Transcriber: robotchangeling
Austin: For our first segment, we are going to play Standoff, which, again, is a GMless western-themed hidden role game for three or more players by Adam Vass, with additional writing by DG Chapman and published by World Champ Game Co. It was originally part of the Wish You Were Here zine. You can find it on itch.io. It is a one-page short little fun game. You'll need a standard deck of playing cards with jokers removed. I'm leaving the jokers in. If you draw a joker, discard it and ask me for a new card. Second thing I have to do—important—is change Keith to Dre.
Dre: Nope. I’m Keith.
Austin: You’re just gonna keep it. Yeah.
Dre: I can't do a Keith impersonation. I can’t. [laughs]
Janine: Keith Dre Carberry.
Sylvia: It’s just your character name.
Art: [imitating Keith’s soundboard] Hahahahahahaha.
Sylvia: Keith Dre Carberry. Oh my God.
Austin: [laughs] Ohh. Yeah, that's good, Art.
Art: Thanks, thanks.
Austin: Because here's the thing: Keith is going to show up and not know you did the soundboard laugh, and…
Sylvia: Mm.
Austin: You see what I mean?
Art: Yeah.
Austin: And then that's what's gonna happen, so. Anyway, we should get into this. I've changed the name over there, Dre. Everyone. I'm going to read the whole rules, because it's only one page. I'm gonna read them all the way through once, and then when people have questions, we can ask them. Everyone is dealt two cards facedown at the start of the game. The higher the sum of your two cards, the more bad things you've done and the higher bounty you are worth. Jack, queen, and king are worth 11, 12, and 13, respectively. If you have a jack, you are a coward. [quiet laughter] Each player has a gun pointed at another character. You will likely change your aim over the course of the game. You want to kill the most wanted criminal in the group to collect their bounty, while avoiding being killed yourself. On your turn, reveal one of your two cards to the group and explain yourself. You can lie, barter, plead, confess, whenever you like, but no discussion of card values is allowed. Any character may interrupt, ask questions, or antagonize any other character, but each character must make their case to their content [pronounced: CONT-tent]—or make their case to their content [con-TENT], probably—and may do so only once per game. [Sylvia laughs] So you can only make your case…any character may interrupt, ask questions, or antagonize, but each character must make their case to their content and may do so only once per game. After each character has made their case, decide at a whim– nope, decide at whom you will fire. [quiet laughter]
Sylvia: It could be on a whim.
Austin: Decide on a whim, honestly. Just, you know, pull it out of the air. All players then simultaneously reveal their other card. If your second card is higher than that of your target, you successfully shoot and kill them. If there is a tie, they shoot you too. Cowards cannot kill other characters. Players who survive the final shootout are considered the winners and share the collected bounties of the dead. I suspect this might take us one playthrough to like get used to it, you know what I mean?
Dre: Mm-hmm.
Janine: Yeah.
Austin: And I should note, yeah, that 3:33 train is coming soon, so this is gonna get derailed just basically immediately, but I will start by dealing everyone two cards. All players, not offline players, just online players, please. Deal cards to turn…what? Deal cards to turn order? I don't know what that means, so I'm just going to deal everybody two.
Dre: Yeah.
Austin: No one look at the screen. No one on the call look at the screen, 'cause I have to check my own cards.
Sylvia: Oh.
Art: Oh, you have to check your own cards. All right.
Dre: Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Janine: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Austin: So, please, everyone look away. Everyone's looking away?
Art: Yeah.
Austin: Okay. Okay, sure.
Art: Wait, how does…I know that I've only been using Roll20 professionally for seven years now, but how do I look at these cards? [Art and Austin laugh]
Austin: You just click on them once. You left click the thing once, and you go: okay, there they are. That’s what you do.
Art: All right. None of you saw that.
Austin: None of us see it. That's correct.
Dre: I didn't see nothing.
Austin: Yeah. Audience, this means you have to be on my side, because you've seen my cards. Please root for me.
Art: But don't say, in the chat, anything about Austin’s cards.
Austin: Yeah, please.
Dre: Yeah.
Austin: You’ll just straight up get banned forever.
Dre: Jesus. [laughs]
Sylvia: Is it safe to reopen the stream to look at the chat or not?
Austin: It’s safe to look at the chat now.
Dre: I’m gonna pause the stream so I can look at the chat.
Austin: No, you're– yeah. Oh, that's a good idea.
Art: Yeah, I have the chat popped out.
Janine: You can also pop the chat out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dre: Oh, yeah.
Sylvia: I forgot to do that. I just panicked and closed it, because I was like, “Oh no, I'm cheating!” [Janine and Austin laugh]
Austin: Does everybody have their cards?
Dre: Mm-hmm.
Art: Yeah.
Austin: Also, should we agree on how we describe pointing at–? Should we draw little arrows to point from?
Dre: Oh, I like that.
Austin: You know what I mean?
Janine: Yeah, that’s fun.
Art: Oh, can we get that as like an object?
Austin: You can just draw it with your your thing, right?
Sylvia: [brightly sarcastic] Yeah, that’ll go great.
Art: But then it’s two pieces, isn't it?
Austin: That's fine. What’s wrong with that?
Janine: You can draw an arrow without lifting your pen. I believe in you.
Art: Maybe you can.
Austin: Oh, shit. Okay.
Sylvia: You're overestimating my abilities, Janine.
Austin: Yeah. [Janine laughs] I mean, I could look up and see if we have arrows. Let's see.
Art: Wait, this is easier than I thought.
Austin: Okay. Well, that answers that. You just immediately drew at me?!
Sylvia: Damn!
Art: I could only draw it up, Austin. I… [laughs quietly]
Austin: Okay. Fair.
Art: Also, how do I tilt this?
Austin: Click on it with your mouse.
Art: Oh, and just like…
Austin: No.
Sylvia: Welcome to our Roll20 let’s play.
Austin: No. No? No.
Art: How does it rotate?
Austin: Okay, Art, click on it once, and then, do you see the little dot of the…
Art: Oh.
Austin: There's the box around it. Yeah, there you go. There you go.
Art: Got it.
Austin: Yes.
Art: This is a little big.
Austin: Oh my God. [laughs]
Dre: This fucking guy.
Austin: This fucking guy. [Janine laughs] All right. I'm actually just not gonna– I'm gonna draw that differently later. All right. What's turn order? How does turn order start? How do we want to determine turn order? Do we all just want to roll a die or just anybody– do we want to do like a question that's like a good…
Janine: We could just do the order that's on the…well.
Austin: It’s not alphabetical– Dre.
Dre: Yeah? What’s up?
Austin: God damnit, Dre.
Janine: Ah! [Dre, Art, and Austin laugh]
Austin: All right. Well, we can just do the bottom order. So, on your turn, reveal one of your two cards to the group and explain yourself. You can lie, barter, plead, confess, whatever you like, but no discussion of card values is allowed. Remember, your goal here is to kill the most wanted criminal and collect their bounty while avoiding being killed yourself. So, I'm going to reveal this card…and then draw a line on it immediately. I'll put it here.
Janine: How do you not talk about the value of it?
Austin: Well, it's easy. You say: [getting into character] Listen.
Janine: Oh, right. Yes.
Austin: I don't know what y'all’ve been up to, but it's been small things for me. I've knocked over a couple general stores. I was near a train heist, but I didn't wasn’t part– it was kind of like a lookout situation, but I didn't do a lot of real dirt. If you want to collect a big bounty, you should go with somebody else. [out of character] As a reminder, any character may interrupt, ask questions, or antagonize, but each character must make their case to their content and may do so only once per game.
Sylvia: Like, how near to this train robbery were you? Like, ‘cause there's different levels.
Austin: Yeah. I mean, I was within walking distance of the train robbery. I was within horse riding distance. I was within walking distance, I'll be honest. I could walk to the train robbery and walk home from there.
Sylvia: You're very fast. Trains move extremely quickly.
Austin: I was where I needed to be ahead of time.
Sylvia: Oh, okay.
Dre: Oh.
Austin: You see?
Dre: So, like, were you a part of the plan and then you backed out?
Austin: No, I was part of the plan, and I did my part.
Dre: Oh, okay.
Austin: They tossed the money off to me, and I walked it to our hideout.
Dre: Oh, okay.
Sylvia: That sounds like being part of a train heist, as opposed to being near one.
Art: Yeah, that’s…
Janine: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Austin: No, I…no. That's not true. The heist was– if you heist it, you remove it from the train. I removed it from the ground.
Dre: Oh, okay.
Austin: I found money from near a train heist.
Janine: That you knew would be there.
Art: I don't think the bounty writers are gonna see it that way.
Dre: Yeah, me neither.
Janine: You found money that you knew would be there because your friend said, “Hey, we're gonna steal some money and chuck it on the ground for you.”
Dre: Let’s say this.
Austin: Yeah, they could have screwed me off, though. They could have screwed me over.
Dre: They could’ve, but you– okay, but you didn't shoot anybody as part of the train heist. Maybe other people did, but you didn’t.
Austin: I definitely didn't shoot a single soul. Uh, not as part of the train heist!
Janine: Uh huh.
Austin: I shot one other person once ever, and that was part of a card game, and I don't like to talk about it, 'cause I kind of got out of sorts. They’re okay. They lost a finger, but it wasn't a death thing.
Dre: That wasn't a very good shot. No offense.
Austin: Well, I–
Sylvia: Or a really good one.
Austin: That’s right.
Dre: Yeah, that's true. [laughs]
Austin: Yeah.
Janine: I feel like shooting someone's hand during a card game is like petulant in a way that's a little surprising to me, but…
Austin: And this is what I'm saying. My bounty is not that high. I am not going to be the person who you want to come after, because I'm just a petulant little guy. [laughs]
Janine: Ugh. [Dre laughs]
Austin: Anyway, that's my case.
Janine: Hmm, mm-hmm.
Art: What did you say the order was?
Austin: Dre is up next.
Art: Okay.
Dre: Okay. All right, well, I'll be honest. The worst thing I have ever done…
Austin: Oh.
Art: Whoa!
Dre: …was I did not shoot the sheriff, but I did shoot the deputy. [Austin laughs quietly] But he kind of had it coming, and like, it's one of those things where they had to put a bounty on me because of like the principle of the matter, but everybody was kind of glad I did it.
Austin: Mm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Janine: Mm-hmm.
Dre: So, this is my highest card. I'm being honest here.
Austin: You can't talk about card values.
Dre: Oh, I’m sorry. That's the worst thing I've ever done.
Austin: Yeah.
Dre: So, do I have a bounty on my head? Yes, but I’m telling you–
Austin: But a bigger one than me!
Dre: That's true. Well, maybe. Maybe.
Austin: Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait wait. What did the deputy do? What did the deputy do that you shot him?
Dre: Um, he was part of a train heist. He held money for somebody. [Sylvia laughs quietly]
Austin: That's weird. That doesn’t sound like a thing a deputy should do. Deputy should be doing the opposite of that.
Dre: I agree.
Sylvia: Also, why did the sheriff get off scot free?
Dre: [sighs] Here's the thing: the sheriff hired me to shoot the deputy.
Austin: Wait a second. So you're…
Janine: Ooh.
Austin: You're like part of the law?
Dre: No.
Austin: [doubtful] Mm…
Sylvia: Hold on. I need to draw a second arrow. [Austin laughs]
Dre: I was…I was…listen, I'm the victim here, if you think about it. [Sylvia laughs]
Janine: [doubtful] Uh huh.
Dre: I didn't know the sheriff was paying me to kill the deputy until after I killed the deputy and then the sheriff showed up to arrest me.
Janine: Who did you think was paying you to kill the deputy, then?
Art: This is the wildest story I've ever heard. [laughs]
Dre: Yeah, uh huh.
Janine: Who did you think was paying you to kill the deputy, then?
Dre: I don't know. I just rolled into town, and some guy offered me money to kill somebody.
Austin: And you said yes!
Dre: I was really hungry.
Austin: You definitely have a higher bounty than me.
Dre: Well, look, I know I do! I haven't told you that I don't. I'm just saying that I'm not gonna lie about it, whereas who knows what you're lying about. You tried to say you weren't involved in a train heist, and then, the more we talked about it, you seemed a pretty integral part of a train heist. That’s all I’m saying.
Austin: Yeah, you know who does that? You know who does the thing I just did is bit criminals, which is what I am. [Sylvia laughs] I'm trying to get off scot free. You seem to be a walkin’ livin’ mercenary. You're willing to take money from anybody. I know they got money out on you.
Dre: I never said they didn’t.
Austin: Ohh. I'm pointing my gun at you, and it’s staying there. [Sylvia laughs, Janine sighs] We should note, for people who are only listening right now, currently everyone is pointing their gun at Dre.
Janine: Mm-hmm.
Austin: Dre’s gun was pointed somewhere, but I don't know where right now.
Janine: Art.
Austin: Art.
Janine: But like around to Art.
Austin: A roundabout way, yes.
Art: Gonna curve the bullet like in that movie Wanted. [Dre laughs]
Austin: I should take a quick note: we have hit our $15,000 goal. Janine, you're gonna need to start taking some photos.
Art: What’s up!
Janine: I took the pictures before we even started.
Austin: Incredible.
Janine: I'm getting my tweet ready now.
Austin: Incredible. Shout outs to everyone who's been donating. Kira with $1,000.
Art: Whoa!
Austin: Hen WTC with $20. Potatonaught with 50 bucks. A lot of people excited for true false war. Shoxter826???, 100 bucks, says, “true false war.” Filo T Hazard, 20 bucks, says, “Want to return to my boys, the Chime.” “Boys” is asterisked for super obvious reasons. [Sylvia laughs quietly] Aquadrop25, TheFightingDoll. Shout outs to SquirrelGraph and Bethany G. and Brenna and Jordan and anonymous and RenBefore??? and TM Hector who says, “Donating so you can force Rob and Natalie to roleplay.” I think they're itching to roleplay, honestly. Anonymous $10 says, “Damn, the friends really do be at the table.” [laughs quietly] That's true. Shout outs to Haley. Shout outs to Scout. “Does intentionally messing up someone's approach to the dice deck count as a prank for my Boscho card?” What's a Boscho card? Does anyone know what a Boscho card is?
Dre: Nope.
Janine: That's a KB joke.
Austin: Ah.
Janine: That is…
Austin: Oh, right, right, right, right, right! Yes, yes, yes.
Janine: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Austin: Yeah, from the incredible Earthly Delights stream.
Janine: Multiple. There have been a couple, but yes.
Austin: Yeah. Hie…mm, how do I pronounce that first name?
Janine: Hieronymus?
Austin: Hieronymus Bosch.
Janine: That could be wrong. That’s the popular. That's just…
Austin: I think that’s right. Shout outs to…oh, shout outs to Kevin Barrett! Kevin Barrett, 100 bucks. Thank you so much. Kevin is a high school friend of mine.
Sylvia: Aw.
Janine: Nice.
Austin: 50 bucks from Noelle. 50 bucks some Static A???, from PixelMech. 50 bucks from Eric S, “Combating personal despair through collective action. Thank you for the stream.” Let's hecking go. Imperialhare, 100 bucks, “Marielda, let's go.” [sarcastic] Huh, interesting that imperialhare–
Sylvia: Did we just hit 20k?
Austin: No, we didn't. Did we? Do I have to scroll up?
Sylvia: Yeah.
Austin: Oh my god. We hit 20k while I was reading the 15k stuff.
Dre: Wow.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Janine: Jeez.
Austin: Ah, Brett ???–
Keith: 20K. [Sylvia laughs, claps]
Art: 20k, Keith shows up.
Austin: That was the goal. Shoutouts to Brett.
Art: Keith was going to go to bed for less than $20,000.
Austin: Brett ??? with $3,333, “Keep doing all that you do.” Thank you so much, Brett. Fuckupfemme, 100 bucks, “Not a huge Star Wars fan, but I do want to see A More Civilized Age play an RPG.” [laughs] Anonymous with 50 bucks says, “Memphis Longhand versus Dr. J. at halfcourt. Who wins?” [Austin and Dre laugh] Great. RoboticHousewife, 25 bucks.
Art: Well, that’s going to be our $250,000 goal.
Austin: Yeah, at this rate, absolutely.
Art: I’m gonna have to do both parts. It’s gonna be hard.
Austin: Another huge donation came in from Pala Sys, who is named after an excellent Gundam X character, and that's a huge donation also. That's $2,700, if I’m reading this right.
Sylvia: Whoa!
Art: Whoa!
Austin: No, sorry, $2,179.
Sylvia: Still a lot!
Austin: Still a lot of money. It's moving too fast for me to keep up. Trashlord says, “Can we get some Keith sounds from Austin?” Ahem. Yeah, absolutely. Ready? [Keith soundboard: “Hahahahahahaha”] That was from my second Keith… [laughter] That’s extra funny! Oh, it really was funny! Oh! Keith, that was funny for reasons you don't know.
Dre: Yeah.
Keith: What's the reason I don't know?
Austin: Don’t worry about it.
Dre: Don't worry about it. [Austin laughs]
Keith: Okay.
Janine: 35k we’ll tell you.
Austin: Yeah, uh huh. Chat will get there. Where's the donation link? You can go to donate.friendsatthetable.cash to donate. We are at $20,895, and I believe…
Art: Unbelievable.
Austin: I believe that Sylvi was up next?
Sylvia: Oh, okay.
Austin: Keith, are you joining us in the–?
Dre: Yeah, Keith, you showed up right in time for me to like fucking die, and then you can take my place at the table. [laughs]
Austin: Oh, is that what we– do you want to rotate? We want to do a rotating…? We’ll finish out this round?
Dre: Sure. Whoever dies, you can…
Austin: Yeah.
Art: Yeah, we're definitely gonna do a couple rounds.
Austin: Yeah, yeah, for sure. All right. So, Sylvi, make your case.
Sylvia: So, a lot of you are talking about having a bounty on your head. Mine is literally on my head.
Austin: Oh.
Sylvia: You see this fancy new hat I got? [out of character] Oh, I didn't mean to draw that line.
Dre: Oh!
Austin: Oh!
Dre: That’s a nice hat that you just drew.
Sylvia: Yeah! So…
Austin: I will note, just as a reminder of the rules, Aces are worth one.
Sylvia: Yes.
Art: Aces are low. Okay.
Janine: Mm-hmm.
Austin: Yeah, aces are low.
Sylvia: Yeah, I stole a hat. I know, I just needed something– it's sunny a lot lately, and the wide brim sort of just helps keep the sun off my face. And like, no one was using this when I saw it.
Austin: Mm.
Sylvia: And apparently, like, that doesn't mean that it's free? But…
Austin: They put a bounty on your head for a hat theft?
Sylvia: I mean, you know, this it was an important guy’s hat.
Dre: You know, you could hide a lot of stolen money inside of that hat.
Austin: Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Sylvia: Mm-hmm?
Austin: You stole it from someone’s head?
Sylvia: [laughs quietly] No. I mean…I mean.
Austin: I assumed you stole it from a store window, [Sylvia laughs quietly] and now you said it was an important guy's hat.
Sylvia: It doesn’t count. The window was open, and the hat…
Austin: The window– so it wasn't a store window at all.
Sylvia: I don't understand why we're splitting hairs here. Look how nice I look. [Austin, Art, and Janine laugh] Yeah, I don't know. It just…it seemed like a really easy thing to do.
Austin: And this is the only crime you've ever done.
Dre: I don’t belive that.
Sylvia: Yeah, I’m a sweetie pie.
Austin: Ohoho! [Sylvia laughs]
Dre: I don’t believe that.
Art: Ohh.
Austin: You're a killer. You're a stone cold killer. [laughs]
Sylvia: You need to prove that, because right now I'm just stylish.
Austin: You have someone's head under that hat, someone's head you took.
Sylvia: My head!
Dre: That's what I'm saying.
Sylvia: I’m wearing the hat!
Austin: [laughs quietly] I'm still gonna point the gun at Dre, but…
Dre: Oh, is this like a “one in the hand versus two in the bush” situation for you?
Austin: It might be. [Dre and Sylvia laugh] Any other Sylvi questions?
Sylvia: Yeah, anybody curious about my new accessory?
Janine: Can you describe the hat?
Austin: Great question.
Janine: I don't want to look away from Dre, so you have to tell me what your hat looks like.
Sylvia: Sort of like…I think the guy I took this off was like a grave digger or something. [quiet laughter] It's a very flat wide brim.
Art: Mm.
Dre: Oh.
Janine: Okay…
Art: Why–
Dre: I wonder why you would know a grave digger so well.
Art: Yeah.
Sylvia: [innocently] What? Me? [Janine laughs] I'm just goth. It's fine.
Austin: Virtue is here, everybody. [laughter]
Dre: Now we know we can't trust you. You're just goth.
Sylvia: Listen, I've seen people saying Hazard’s here too. You guys gotta pick one of my self inserts, okay? [Austin and Janine laugh]
Art: Inside you, there are two wolves. One is… [Austin laughs]
Sylvia: I'm not touching it.
Austin: Hmm. Ha. [Dre laughs] Janine, I think that you are up.
Janine: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. So, listen. I pet the governor's horse without asking.
Austin: What is going on in this–
Art: You did what to the horse? [Austin laughs]
Janine: Sorry, what?
Austin: Pet.
Janine: I pet–
Art: I didn’t hear– pet, okay.
Janine: I pet the governor's horse without asking first, and that, you know, you would think is pretty harmless, but apparently that horse spooks a little easier than most horses, which also spook easy, but this one's like particularly apt to spook, and…you know, it was just– it wasn't a good afternoon, you know? It wasn't a good afternoon.
Austin: What type of horse was it?
Janine: Uh, palomino.
Austin: I don't know that means. I don't know why I asked you. I don't know the first thing about horses.
Janine: Palomino is the yellow kind with the white mane and tail.
Austin: You could say anything you wanted about horses to me. I wouldn’t know a damn thing. I know one thing about horses: mine’s named Buster. Serves me right.
Art: Hmm.
Janine: What kind of horse is he?
Sylvia: Can Buster count? I’ve heard horses can count.
Austin: Buster can count to 12.
Sylvia: Okay, so that's something you know about horses.
Austin: Well, that’s a thing I know about Buster.
Art: Can Buster play baseball? I hear that's a thing horses…
Dre: [impressed] Oh.
Austin: Buster knows a horse that can play baseball. Buster can't play baseball.
Art: Mm.
Janine: Does he sell any products?
Austin: [laughs quietly] Buster or the horse that can play baseball?
Janine: Either.
Austin: Nah, neither.
Janine: Endorsement deals? No?
Austin: I guess that's true. The horse that can play baseball has an endorsement deal with the hat company.
Janine: Wow.
Dre: I really feel like I'm being taken advantage of for my honesty here. [Sylvia and Janine laugh]
Austin: I was just as honest as you, my friend.
Dre: Maybe.
Janine: We're all being honest.
Dre: You're not being honest, because otherwise your two cards are aces. Or, your–
Austin: You can't talk about cards! [Janine laughs]
Dre: I know, I know, I know, I know! I just realized it. [Janine and Austin laugh]
Austin: Well, your–
Dre: There's no way the worst thing you have ever done in your life is that you pet a horse or you stole a hat.
Austin: [laughs quietly] And no one in this establishment has done only things as easy as that. We're all hard-nosed criminals, except for me, your little baby boy.
Dre: Listen.
Austin: [laughs] Who has only ever been near a train robbery and shot a guy in the pinky.
Dre: If you thought that I could be good at lying, do you think my cover story would be “I shot a cop for a dirty cop”? [quiet laughter]
Austin: You know…
Dre: I can’t lie! I suck at lying. You know I'm telling the truth, and if you're gonna kill me for that, so be it. But what I'm saying is we could probably make a lot more money shooting one of these…
Sylvia: Call me John Wilkes Booth, because I'm pointing this gun at the honest man. [laughter]
Art: (??? 22:04) everyone.
Dre: I'm just saying: there's probably more money on the table.
Janine: Hmm.
Dre: And if you're willing to let it sit there just because you want to listen to a fanciful story about horse pettin’ or hat stealin’ or hat pettin’ or horse stealin’...
Sylvia: Please don’t pet my hat.
Art: Now, horse stealin’, that's a big deal. Hat pettin’ I don't know about.
Austin: Speaking of big deals, cowboy…
Janine: Hat petting’s a felony.
Austin: Apparently, in this town. What are you here– not “in for,” we're not in prison. What did you do, Art?
Art: I have to like drag this out, is that right?
Austin: Yeah.
Dre: Yeah.
Austin: [laughs quietly] Oh my God.
Art: My mama always said, “Don't take your guns to town,” and I didn't listen. I thought I could be tough like all y'all hardened criminals, but I don't have it in me. I'm just trying to get home.
Austin: So, let me get this straight. We're out here in the wild wild west, and you got in trouble for having a gun?
Art: You're not allowed to just carry guns around.
Austin: In the wild wild west?
Art: Something you might not know, you're so used to breaking the law.
Dre: [laughs] And/or in 2022?
Austin: And/or in– now, listen. This terrible SCOTUS we got here just made a ruling [laughter] that actually… [breaking character] Ugh, fuck. Bad world. Hell world. I don't believe it. I don't buy it. I don't buy it. You came to town with your six shooters.
Art: Mm-hmm.
Austin: And nothing happened?
Art: Yeah, I got intimidated and scared by the local corrupt Sheriff's Department.
Austin: I have heard they’re corrupt. [quiet laughter]
Janine: Uh huh.
Dre: See, I told you.
Janine: You run up to the deputy?
Art: I’m just trying to get home.
Austin: And you're pointing your gun at Dre still.
Art: Yeah! [laughs] Scary guy over there.
Dre: You really think they're gonna let you go home? It starts with me.
Art: Well, I don't think that's how this game goes.
Austin: I should review how the game goes. Now that we've revealed one of our cards, lied, bartered– I guess we haven't really pled or bartered much, because I don't…I guess the only person here who could barter would be like Sylvi and Dre could barter with each other, at this point, right? Because they're pointing guns at each other, so they could try to like come to an agreement about pointing their guns at somebody else. In any case, after each character has made their case—which it feels like has happened—decide at whom you will fire. All players then simultaneously reveal their other card. If your second card is higher than that of your target, you successfully shoot and kill them. If there is a tie, they shoot you too. Cowards—remember, anybody with a jack is a coward—cannot kill other characters. Players who survive the final shootout are considered the winners and share the collected bounties of the dead. Now, what this means is– and let me just raise this in character. There is a chance that Dre is actually the six shootin’-est of us and will kill us all. [laughs quietly]
Art: Well, only kill Sylvi. You still only get one kill.
Austin: No. No.
Sylvia: Oh.
Austin: No. If…that's how I'm reading it, anyway. If your second card is higher than that of your target, you successfully shoot and kill them.
Art: Right.
Austin: I guess you're right. So, we could all miss Dre. [laughs]
Art: And then we'll all just split whatever Sylvi is worth. [laughs]
Austin: Including whatever Sylvi is worth.
Sylvia: Wow.
Art: Or Austin is worth.
Austin: Oh, okay. Well, now Dre’s pointing– [laughs] Dre, I thought I was arguing in your favor!
Dre: No, you were the one who's been trying to get everybody to kill me this whole time!
Austin: Well, I'm saying, in this moment, I was suggesting maybe we were pointing the gun at the wrong person.
Dre: Hmm.
Austin: Because I'm saying you've done worse, and if that's the case, you could shoot my head right off. Whereas, I'm not so sure…Dre, I think we could probably take one of these hat-stealing horse petters.
Dre: Okay. All right.
Austin: Sylvi’s now pointing at me. This is fair. I should have just said nothing.
Sylvia: Yeah, you said a lot about shooting me.
Dre: No, you can't trust a goth. I'm telling you. This is what I tried to tell you all.
Austin: [laughs] Wait, when did you make that case?
Art: [laughs] I don’t remember hearing that either.
Dre: Earlier.
Janine: The sheriff is also goth.
Dre: Yeah.
Austin: [laughs] The sheriff is also goth.
Dre: Yeah! Yeah!
Sylvia: I’m… [sighs] Wow.
Janine: The Goth Sheriff of Guntown is my favorite cult novel.
Sylvia: Pride month ends, and everyone’s coming for me. [Dre laughs quietly]
Austin: [quietly] God. All right, well, Sylvi, if you're gonna point a gun at me, I gotta point one back at you.
Sylvia: Fair.
Austin: I wasn't gonna before.
Sylvia: You talked about shooting me!
Austin: Well, I was suggesting that we need to rethink, all of us, where our guns are pointed. I wanted to make sure we were making a thoughtful…
Sylvia: I am suggesting that you be nice to Sylvi with this gun. [Dre and Janine laugh]
Austin: All right, Sylvi, I promise I'll be nice to you with this guns. Where should we point them?
Sylvia: I mean, I can just point it back at Dre again. That was very comfortable for me.
Austin: All right, yeah, let’s do that. Let's go back to that. That seems better.
Sylvia: Oh, I rotated my card too. That's fine. [Austin and Sylvia laugh]
Dre: I can’t believe you got sweet talked here.
Sylvia: It's one of my main skills. [Dre sighs]
Austin: [laughs] Someone in the chat said the gun– yeah, potatonaught says, “The gun says, ‘Be nice to Sylvi.’”
Sylvia: It’s true.
Austin: It's like the guns from Romeo + Juliet that just have, like, “dagger,” but it’s…it's like italicized.
Sylvia: Oh my God.
Austin: It says, “Be nice to Sylvi.”
Sylvia: I need that in real life. [Dre laughs]
Austin: Uh huh.
Sylvia: If I know anyone who can like both get me a handgun and inscribe it, please DM me.
Austin: Uh…
Janine: Uh…
Sylvia: Don't DM me! That seems like a real quick way for both of us to go to prison.
Janine: No.
Austin: No, absolutely no.
Dre: For you to go to jail. [Sylvia laughs quietly]
Austin: Just absolutely no. All right.
Art: Get yourself Signal.
Janine: Prop maker. If you know a prop maker.
Austin: Yes.
Sylvia: Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Dre: Yeah. Has to be an airsoft gun.
Austin: Are we ready to reveal our second cards? [Dre sighs] Are there any final cases?
Sylvia: Just…
Janine: So, wait, we…
Dre: I put my gun on the table, and I crack open the chamber, and there's only one bullet in it.
Austin: Oh, okay. Who's that for, then, Tex?
Dre: [sighs] I don't know. Maybe none of you all, by the time I get to it. I told you, I already killed a man. I don't have many bullets left.
Austin: Well, how many bullets did you take on that one man?
Dre: [sighs] Hold on, I gotta count.
Austin: Oh, boy. Oh, brother.
Dre: Listen.
Austin: Oh boy, oh brother.
Dre: I never said I was good at math. Uh, five.
Austin: All right, six shooter, five bullet, one left. Yeah, okay, that adds up. Checking your math.
Dre: Yeah.
Austin: All right. I think it's come down to it. Janine, you had a question?
Janine: No, I…it’s fine.
Austin: It’s fine. You get it. You ready?
Janine: Mm-hmm.
Austin: Are we ready to reveal these second cards? [Janine sighs]
Sylvia: Sure.
Janine: Sure.
Dre: Can't wait for everyone else to have a jack, queen, or king, and for me to be vindicated.
Austin: Well, a jack would be fine for you.
Art: Jack would be fine, yeah.
Dre: Oh, that’s true.
Austin: Yeah, that can’t…
Dre: A queen or a king and for me to be vindicated.
Sylvia: Mm.
Janine: Are we gonna count?
Austin: Yeah, let’s do a three, two, one. Ready?
Sylvia: Yeah.
Art: Yeah.
Austin: Three, two, one, bang. What did we get here? Okay.
Janine: Well, Dre’s dead.
Dre: Huh. I still was the highest, yeah. Okay.
Austin: Wait, is that true? Wait. Okay, wait, you just drew a four.
Art: Now, Dre’s pull card was a four.
Dre: No, but I meant my bounty was the highest.
Austin: Oh, your bounty was the highest. That is correct. Your bounty was the highest, huh?
Sylvia: Yeah, I could’ve killed any of you guys. [Janine laughs]
Austin: So, I managed to shoot Dre.
Art: Dre and Austin were the highest.
Austin: Wait, are we equal? We're not equal. We're not equal.
Art: You are both 13.
Austin: We are both equal. We are. Yeah, uh huh.
Sylvia: Oh, wait, is it…?
Austin: Yeah, uh huh.
Sylvia: Does the way that– sorry, does the shooting work that it's the second card’s value is highest?
Austin: It’s the second card.
Art: Second card, yeah.
Sylvia: Okay, it’s not total highest.
Austin: Second card, yes. So…
Sylvia: Okay, so I could have killed all of you. Okay, cool. I just wanted to be clear, for my own ego.
Janine: Yeah.
Austin: You could have killed all of us very easily.
Dre: Yeah.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Austin: And in fact, instead, we all just filled Dre, just riddled Dre.
Dre: Uh huh.
Janine: [laughs] Uh huh.
Austin: Uh, Dre, I need you to take the adjective “riddled.” [Janine laughs] Dre, I need you to take “perforated.” Yes. [laughs] Ah.
Janine: Swiss cheese-ified.
Austin: And that means we all split 13 bucks.
Dre: Justice for goths. Justice for goths. That's what happened here.
Sylvia: Right.
Austin: I like to think I wasn't at a shooting, I was just standing kind of near one. [Austin and Art laugh]
Dre: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Janine: I was just petting someone else's gun, so...
Austin: Oh, okay. Uh huh. [Austin and Dre laugh]
Sylvia: I take Dre’s hat.
Austin: [laughs] Oh, wow. You put it on your regular hat, your first hat?
Sylvia: Yeah, well, the first– yeah, and then you guys can see that there is a bullet hole in the first hat. [Austin sighs] I'm tricky like that.
Austin: Uh huh.
Sylvia: Mm-hmm.
Austin: I love that you’re the biggest discrepancy. From ace to eight is the biggest leap we have at the table, Sylvi.
Dre: Mm-hmm.
Austin: Which means you did do some dirt.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Austin: Mm.
Sylvia: No, I knew.
Dre: I told you. I told you.
Austin: Unbelievable.
Dre: I say from the grave. I’m now a ghost.
Austin: But I mean, to be fair, we would have all died if we tried to fire on Sylvi, or whoever fired would have died, and no one else would have won.
Sylvia: Aw, man.
Dre: Yeah.
Sylvia: I should have got you guys to shoot me more.
Austin: That's right. All right.
Sylvia: Things I’m always saying.
Austin: We pick up– we loot whatever Dre has in their pockets, and we go to another card table. Keith, you tagging in? Is Keith still here? Did we lose Keith? [Sylvia laughs]
Dre: Uh, Keith is in the call.
Austin: There’s Keith. Hi, Keith. Keith?
Art: Why’d you say, “There's Keith”?
Austin: Well, I saw Keith in the–
Dre: [imitating Keith’s soundboard] Hahahahahahaha. [Janine laughs]
Austin: Keith said, “BRB.” Keith apparently said “BRB,” and I missed it.
Sylvia: While we're waiting, I think it'd be worth mentioning that this game is now available for pay what you want out of the collection that it was in.
Austin: Oh, amazing.
Sylvia: On worldchampgameco.itch.io.
Austin: Love that.
Sylvia: Figured give them that shoutout.
Austin: Yeah. And I will recall all of these cards and shuffle the deck, and then…can we all delete our our arrows for now? All right. Dre, can I ask you to leave the Roll20? [laughs quietly]
Dre: Oh, yeah.
Austin: So that I don’t deal you cards.
Dre: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Austin: I mean, we could just do a six person game. This game probably does work with six people.
Dre: No, that’s okay.
Austin: Well, wait, why shouldn't we do it?
Dre: Oh. I mean, I just left the Roll20. That's why.
Austin: Damn.
Dre: But I'll log back in.
Austin: Yeah, come back in. I'll put down another piece of paper from this set of weird table things I got that I'm finally getting to use. [Austin and Sylvia chuckle]
Janine: Bilbo Baggins meme: why shouldn't we do it? [Austin and Keith laugh] Play Standoff with six people.
Austin: Ah. Dre, I’ll give you a really ragged piece of paper to represent that, you know, you’ve been through it, you know what I mean?
Dre: Please. Yeah.
Sylvia: Represent that L you took.
Austin: [laughs] Wow!
Art: Wow.
Austin: I wasn’t gonna say it like that.
Dre: Harsh but fair.
Sylvia: Listen, I'm here to play to win.
Austin: That’s true.
Dre: I'm glad that everyone can learn a fun fact about me which is that any game that involves like bluffing like this, I'm the fucking worst at it.
Austin: No, you did well.
Janine: Oh, yeah, me too.
Austin: You didn't do bad at that.
Dre: [sarcastic] Oh, word?
Janine: No, you did well. It was just–
Dre: Me getting shot five times, we did great. [laughter]
Austin: It was really just the number. It really was just the number.
Janine: Hey, I'm gonna tell you something. So, I had my arrow pointed at you from the start, and I did not change it, because… [Dre laughs] Because, specifically, I thought: Dre is the kind of person who is going to play their highest card first.
Austin: Yeah, right.
Janine: And is going to keep a lower card.
Austin: Mm.
Janine: And I was right. [laughs]
Dre: Yep.
Janine: And that has nothing to do with your bluffing. That was just like, Dre likes playing games in ways that might not be other people's go-to. Like, everyone else might play the game very safe the first time.
Austin: Right, right.
Janine: Dre is gonna take a risk.
Austin: Right. All right.
Janine: That’s not on bluffing. That's not anything.
Austin: We all have cards. Keith, did you hear the rules before? Did you figure out the rules before?
Keith: The higher– yeah, I've read the higher your value is, the worse of a criminal you are.
Austin: Mm-hmm.
Keith: And the goal is to shoot the worst criminal that isn't you [Austin: “Right”] and survive.
Austin: And survive. Correct. No one look at the screen.
Janine: Worst, arguably best.
Austin: Right. No one look at the screen while I check my cards. Please. Thank you.
Art: But do you know the thing about jacks, Keith?
Keith: Oh, yeah. Being a jack means you're a coward.
Austin: Yep.
Keith: And you can't shoot anyone, so you can only like bluff that you can shoot someone.
Austin: Right. That's a good point. We didn’t really think about it.
Art: But it’s a high number.
Austin: It is a high number.
Art: That’s a tricky…
Austin: Yeah. Does the coward–
Keith: Yeah, you're a bad criminal, but you have an empty gun or…
Austin: If a coward points their gun at somebody, and it's higher than them, do they lose because they can't pull the trigger?
Art: Well, the other person just doesn't die.
Keith: I think the idea is they've gotta be…they have to make the case so well that that person should be shot that other people shoot them for you.
Austin: Right, but you know what I'm saying, right? Which is like, if…
Janine: If the other person's gun is pointed at them, they would die.
Austin: At them. Right.
Janine: If the other person's gun was pointed at someone else, they wouldn't.
Austin: They wouldn’t die. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Art: Well, no, but if someone's gun is pointed at them, it's still an 11. Don’t they still have to be killed by a queen or a king?
Austin: I guess they do. I guess it does say higher, right?
Janine: Yeah.
Austin: “If your second card is higher, you successfully shoot and kill them.”
Janine: But also they won’t kill.
Austin: Yeah, okay. All right, I've looked at my cards. Have y'all looked at your cards?
Keith: Yes.
Sylvia: Yes.
Dre: Yeah.
Janine: Mm-hmm.
Austin: I feel like we should go reverse, and Keith should have to go first.
Janine: Hmm. [Sylvia laughs]
Art: [imitating Keith’s soundboard] Hahahahahaha.
Dre: [imitating Keith’s soundboard] Hahahahahaha. [laughter]
Keith soundboard: Hahahahahahaha. [Dre laughs]
Austin: [laughs quietly] I hate it so much.
Keith: Am I– I'll go first. Yeah, I can go first.
Austin: Yeah, you go first.
Keith: Okay. Hmm. Mm.
Austin: Everyone does this, including me.
Keith: What is the, uh…what is the scene here? Because I wasn't just here.
Austin: We’re all playing…the first time, it was at a card table, playing cards.
Keith: Okay.
Austin: And then we just pointed guns at each other. I guess we didn't really set the stage super well, you know?
Keith: Okay.
Janine: Can it be at a pie festival this time?
Austin: Yeah, we’re at a pie festival this time.
Janine: Thanks.
Austin: We're all trying to– so, whenever you start, you have to explain what type of pie you're eating, how it is, and then also begin your…
Janine: Your crime.
Austin: Well, it doesn't have to be a crime. You could lie, barter, plead, confess, whatever you'd like.
Janine: Yeah.
Austin: But no discussion of card values is allowed.
Janine: It's a bounty, though, so whatever your bounty is for.
Austin: Mm-hmm. Right.
Keith: Okay. Oh, so, pie?
Austin: Yeah.
Keith: Name, pie.
Austin: Mm-hmm.
Keith: Crime.
Art: We didn’t do names last time, but…
Austin: We didn't do names. We could do names.
Keith: My name is Dre Stable. [Dre laughs] And I just want to sell my rhubarb pies in peace.
Austin: He didn’t get no bounty for selling rhubarb pies. Why did you get a bounty for?
Art: Unless it’s a powerfully bad pie.
Austin: Powerfully bad pie.
Keith: [pained] Ugh, it was a bad pie. It was a bad pie.
Sylvia: How bad was it?
Keith: I bought rhubarb on the cheap.
Dre: Mm.
Keith: And I baked it up, and I served it and made a whole town sick.
Dre: Oh.
Keith: And now they want me.
Janine: Oh.
Dre: Insider rhubarb trading. [laughs quietly]
Austin: Well, how sick did you get these people? A night of sick, a week of sick?
Keith: A week of sick.
Dre: Oh.
Art: Ooh.
Keith: Five days sick. Rounding up, a week of sick.
Austin: And it's not just the sick, you know what I mean? It's the…
Keith: It’s the smell.
Austin: [laughs quietly] It’s the smell.
Dre: Ooh.
Sylvia: Ugh.
Keith: It was a tourist town, and it killed the tourist industry for…a month?
Janine: It was a rhubarb tourist industry. Decimated it. [Dre laughs]
Keith: It was a rhubarb pie tourist industry. I decimated it.
Austin: What I don't like is–
Art: Down in Rhubarb Town?
Austin: That's right.
Keith: Yeah, it's Rhubarb Town.
Austin: People showed up at your pie to eat it and have a good time.
Keith: Mm-hmm.
Austin: Instead, you got them sick.
Keith: Yeah.
Austin: You got them week sick.
Keith: Yeah.
Sylvia: Was it just a rhubarb, or were there like other ingredients that sort of caused this?
Keith: Uh, well, it was definitely the rhubarb that was poisoned, because the guy that I bought it from said, “Now, I don't know how much longer this rhubarb will last.”
Sylvia: Okay. When you say it's poisoned, it sounds like you did it intentionally.
Keith: Poisoned. Uh, off. It was off rhubarb.
Austin: Yeah, you didn't say bad. You didn't say that it was– yeah. Uh, no, you said poisoned.
Janine: Now, in this– you know.
Keith: Poisoned. Do they say food poisoned?
Austin: I guess they do say food poisoned.
Keith: Food poisoned. Right, yeah, that's…no one ever means that to be like murder.
Austin: Whoa, wait a second.
Dre: Well…
Sylvia: Did someone die?
Janine: Everyone knows that when you mix clams with rhubarb, it preserves the clams indefinitely, so we can all rule that out.
Dre: Mm…
Sylvia: Hmm?
Austin: I gotta draw a second line.
Art: We all know this?
Dre: I'm about to die of sick thinking of rhubarb clam pie. [all laugh]
Austin: I need to know where you learned that one, Janine. Or, sorry, I don't know what your cowboy name is.
Janine: We'll get to it.
Austin: Okay. [Dre laughs] All right, well. I wish you hadn't, you know, ruined the sacrosanct name of rhubarb pie with your antics.
Keith: I also wish I hadn't done that.
Austin: But I’m gonna not point my gun at you quite yet.
Keith: Would you like a slice of the pie?
Austin: Absolutely not.
Keith: This is good pie.
Dre: You should point your gun at him now, probably.
Austin: [laughs] Yeah. I’m pointing my gun back at you now, buddy!
Keith: [laughs] No, no. This one's good.
Austin: Nope.
Sylvia: You take a bite.
Austin: Yeah, you take a–
Keith: I have a test bite. I have a test bite.
Austin: Yeah, I bet those people thought that was a good pie until the next night.
Sylvia: Pointing my gun at Keith now. [in character] Take another bite. [Dre laughs]
Keith: [sighs] Not again. [laughter] [out of character] I take another bite.
Austin: [unconvinced] Mm…
Sylvia: All right. We’ll know in a few hours. [laughs]
Austin: Art. Reverse order in the bottom of the screen. I don't know what your order is, but for me it’s–
Art: No, that’s consistent with my order.
Austin: Okay. Okay.
Keith: Hey, why do we have our guns out? [all laugh] I was just talking about my pie!
Art: My name’s…oh, I'm eating a blueberry pie.
Austin: Mmm, delicious.
Art: Yeah. Solid and underrated pie. We can just go off on a tangent for a moment. Anyway.
Austin: [laughs quietly] No, I agree.
Janine: Bluebarb– is blueberry underrated? That's the best pie. I called it bluebarb.
Austin: Bluebarb pie. [Keith laughs] It's not too late for someone to change their character name to Blue Barb.
Art: Well, I think it'd be weird for me to do it. [laughter] Anyway.
Austin: [laughs] You say 'cause you're eating a bluebarb pie.
Art: Yeah. Name’s James. You might know my reputation as the Soundboard Kid.
Austin: [impressed] Oh, a true criminal.
Art: Yeah. That's what I'm–
Janine: Can you describe an old west soundboard?
Art: Uh, yeah. I got my…it's a board, and I make sounds on it. I got like the little like clip clop. [faint tap]
Austin: Uh, one more time? [Art makes another quiet sound] That's not– nope, mm-mm.
Dre: Mm-mm.
Austin: This crisp air [laughter] here at the Discord pie festival is getting in the way of me hearing your clip-clopping. Hmm.
Art: Uh, we got falling down a flight of stairs, the: [several rapid taps]
Austin: Yeah, this…you're gonna have to edit your…you have to change how your voice works here, partner, if you're gonna want any of these foleys to come through. [Austin, Dre, and Keith laugh]
Art: Well, I don't know how to do that! [Austin laughs]
Keith: I'm hearing something very faint. Is it just a very faint soundboard?
Austin: Maybe you've gotta turn up the volume, then.
Art: Well, I’m here at the pie festival today! I don't have my whole board! I just have my travel one, which, as you can see, is only four inches long.
Austin: Okay.
Janine: It’s a tiny washboard with a few walnut shells hanging off of it. [Austin and Keith laugh]
Art: Yeah, for traveling!
Austin: Uh, this isn't a crime. What's your– why do you have a bounty on here?
Janine: I disagree.
Austin: Yeah. Did you make someone mad with the soundboard?
Art: There's some uptight folks down east of here, in, uh…
Keith: I must concur about the folks east from here.
Art: Yeah, down in East Rhubarb Town.
Austin: Is this where– oh my god. The two of you did a number on this town. Everyone was weeklong sick, and bad–
Art: No, I’m sorry. You're mistaken. East Rhubarb Town and Rhubarb Town are separate municipalities.
Austin: I see.
Art: They're on opposite sides of the Rhubarb River.
Austin: I thought you were saying eastern Rhubarb Town.
Art: No, no. East Rhubarb Town.
Keith: Ah! More guns are coming out! Why?
Janine: I forgot to draw my original one.
Sylvia: [laughs] I didn’t say anything yet.
Janine: I forgot to draw my original one! I just didn’t have it.
Dre: People got feelings about rhubarb. [Sylvia and Austin laugh]
Austin: Currently, I am pointing a gun at Art. Sylvi is pointing a gun at Art. Keith is…is that Keith’s?
Keith: No, no, no.
Art: That’s my gun.
Austin: That’s Art’s gun across the table at Janine, and Janine pointing at Sylvi currently for some reason.
Janine: Just because I…don't we all have to be pointing at someone all the time?
Austin: I think we do. I think we do.
Janine: Yeah.
Austin: Yeah, guns are out at the pie count.
Art: They don't like my antics down there, and they put a bounty on my head to make sure I didn't come back. And I'll tell you, I ain’t never been back there.
Austin: Hmm. Who's up next? Janine.
Janine: Uh…
Austin: [disbelieving] Never heard of anybody getting a bounty for antics.
Janine: So, my name is, uh, Cathy Clamato.
Art: Oh. [Keith laughs]
Dre: Ooh.
Janine: That’s the worst name I’ve ever come up with in my entire life.
Sylvia: Oh, no, it's the best. [Austin laughs quietly]
Dre: Oh, man.
Janine: Cathy Clamato is like a season one Bluff name.
Austin: Uh huh.
Janine: Specifically gotta be season one.
Austin: Uh huh.
Janine: So, I got– okay, so I have one of those pies with the fish sticking out of it.
Austin: Do you mean a stargazy pie?
Janine: A stargazy pie, yes.
Austin: Yeah, uh huh, uh huh.
Janine: I didn't want to be too inside pie baseball.
Austin: Mm, mm.
Janine: I wanted to make a really accessible pie. But yes, it's that one.
Austin: Gotcha.
Janine: And, you know, so, my crime…if you can call it a crime. I wouldn't call it a crime. It's just a thing I do, right? It's just a thing I do where sometimes I sneak into kitchens and I put fish in stuff.
Dre: Ugh.
Austin: Ew.
Janine: Or clams, or shrimp.
Art: [laughs] These are horrible crimes.
Janine: Sometimes, if it's been a good year, it'll be lobster, and everyone loves lobster. Lobster is great! I’ve never had lobster, but everyone seems to love it. [Janine and Sylvia laugh quietly]
Austin: Mm…
Keith: Wait, you put fish into…sneakily put fish into things.
Janine: Yeah, like I’ll break into a restaurant, and, you know, breaking in is a crime. Like, they obviously don't want me there.
Austin: That's a crime.
Janine: But I’m giving them free food.
Austin: Hmm.
Janine: And it's good food. It's very nutritious. It has a lot of omega-3s.
Dre: What if they have shellfish allergies?
Janine: I do background checks and research in advance to make sure.
Austin: What?
Dre: Mm-hmm.
Janine: [laughs quietly] You know, I check.
Austin: You do background checks?
Janine: [laughs] I…
Dre: Yeah, using that ol’ wild west internet.
Janine: So, before I go to the restaurants, I'll go to the town doctor's office and just check through the records of allergies to see if anyone has a fish allergy, and if they have an allergy, then I won't tamper at the restaurant.
Austin: Mm.
Janine: But, provided that everyone at the restaurant is free and clear of any shellfish allergies or anything like that, then, you know, it's just…like, it's a good dietary enhancement. Omega-3 is like good for, I want to say, your skin and hair and stuff and…
Austin: This is how it starts. This is how it starts, and next thing you know, you've made a pie that kills a town.
Janine: I’m a hero.
Austin: This is…you're on step one to getting to whatever that other guy's name was. Uh, Dre Stables.
Keith: Yes, thank you.
Austin: Yeah, of course. Poisoning a whole town. How do you know the fish isn't going to poison everybody?
Janine: I know how everything interacts. Like I said, clam and rhubarb: immediately safe.
Austin: You know how everything interacts?!
Janine: Fishwise, yes.
Austin: If I knew how everything interacts, I wouldn't be at a pie contest.
Keith: Fish doesn’t need to interact to give someone food poisoning. It just needs to sit out for three hours.
Janine: Yeah, it totally– you know, there's like if you put salmon in a dish with oranges, it's going to make someone gassy, so you want to use like a trout. Like that.
Austin: Why do you know this?
Keith: No.
Janine: It's like alchemy but fish. [Austin sighs] We're into it in the East Coast.
Austin: I oughta point my gun at you for the principle of it.
Keith: Have you ever been to Rhubarb Town? Were you in Rhubarb Town in April? [Janine, Sylvia, and Austin laugh]
Austin: Yeah, wait a second. I think Dre Stable might be innocent.
Janine: I’m all over the place. I’m all over the place.
Austin: I think maybe we might have a situation of false accusation on Dre. Stable, not other Dre, who’s dead.
Dre: Mm-hmm.
Keith: I’ve made thousands of rhubarb pies. I've never made anyone sick, and all of a sudden I make a whole town sick just because I bought some rhubarb from a slightly shady source? I think maybe I’m innocent.
Janine: So, listen. I remember your pie in Rhubarb Town.
Austin: So you were at Rhubarb Town!
Keith: So you were at Rhubarb Town. [laughs]
Janine: Listen. Listen to me. Listen to me. I remember the pie at Rhubarb Town. The filling? Was fine. The rhubarb? Was fine. The clams? Fine. Everything? Fine.
Keith: Wait. There was no clam.
Janine: But the crust? The crust on that pie? Do you remember the crust on that pie?
Dre: The clams!
Keith: I remember it not having clams.
Janine: Do you remember the blue-gray tinge to that crust?
Austin: Ugh!
Janine: Do you remember the way…perhaps you didn't notice this, because you were busy socializing with all your pie fans that you were expecting.
Keith: Oh, so I’m popular. Sue me.
Austin: Are you some sort of socializing puritan? What's happening?
Keith: No, I don’t remember a blue-gray tinge.
Janine: Sitting in the window was attracting a great number of rats before I had anything to do with it. So I think you maybe need to look at home for what was wrong with that pie and not look at me and the clams that I put in.
Keith: But you did put clams in the pie.
Janine: Yes, and they might have saved lives.
Keith: That's never happened. I don't think there's a case of that happening.
Janine: There's a first time for everything.
Keith: What is the interaction of rhubarb and clam?
Janine: We're in the Age of Enlightenment. Anything could happen right now. [quiet laughter]
Austin: We gotta get more guns on this. This is… [Janine laughs] Also, what was your character's name, Art?
Art: The Soundboard Kid.
Austin: The Soundboard Kid. Of course, right. I was keeping my notes straight. Sylvi?
Art: Garbagewitch666, “Janine’s made the worst character in FATT history,” and maybe, yeah.
Austin: Maybe.
Dre: Maybe.
Art: Yeah, maybe.
Sylvia: So, I'm sure everyone here is familiar with the concept of a cattle rustler, correct?
Austin: Yeah. You see some cows, you go, “What if those ones were mine?” and then you take ‘em. You rustle them.
Sylvia: Now, similar concept. Has anyone here ever heard of a cattle hustler?
Dre: Okay.
Sylvia: Because this was my gig for a little bit.
Austin: Are you running a–
Keith: Is that when you say, “These cows are yours,” and then you sell them the cows, get the money, and then they realize, “This isn't a cow.”
Sylvia: You'd think.
Keith: Okay.
Austin: It’s not that.
Sylvia: Far, far goofier than that. So–
Austin: Is it when you do like the three card monte but against a cow?
Sylvia: So, kind of. So, it’s billiards, and I've made pool cues for a cow to use.
Austin: Billiards.
Sylvia: Yeah, and I play really poorly the first time, and the cow wins.
Janine: Oh, I love this.
Sylvia: And then I bet with the cow’s owner that if I beat the cow at pool that I get the cow, and then I beat the cow at pool, because I'm a person.
Art: Wait, you go and you train someone else's cow how to play pool so that you can then beat that?
Sylvia: No, I just play really poorly the first time.
Dre: Oh.
Keith: Oh.
Art: But every time you find someone whose cow happens to be able to play billiards?
Sylvia: I made custom-made tools for this.
Dre: Oh.
Austin: What are they? Tell me more about these cow tools. [quiet laughter]
Sylvia: Okay, hold on. [out of character] I'm gonna take off one of my hats and pull a little bag out.
Austin: Also, wait a second. What’s your name and what type of pie?
Sylvia: Oh, I’m Tammy Two-Hats!
Austin: [laughs] Oh, you're Tammy Two-Hats!
Sylvia: Yeah. [laughs quietly]
Austin: What type of pie are you eating, Tammy?
Sylvia: Uh… [laughs quietly] I can only think of cow stuff right now.
Austin: Yeah, you can only think of like a beef pie, like a…yeah.
Sylvia: It’s really fucked up, but that's what it is. [in character] It's just sort of like, so you just kind of like…so, it's less complicated than you think. [out of character] And I pull out just a very regular pool cue with a specially– another hat attached to it. [in character] It's like, I put this hat on the top of the cow's head, and I just get the cow to sort of just like, errr, and just hit it a little.
Austin: Now, wait a second. One more time. I gotta close my eyes and imagine the scenario with the sound effects and whatnot.
Sylvia: Yeah. Errr.
Austin: Ah, okay.
Sylvia: And then the balls go like, bonk, and… [out of character] I'm not Keith. I can't do this. [laughs quietly]
Austin: No, you did– that was fantastic. You're Tammy Two-Hats, and you do your own sounds. [laughs quietly]
Sylvia: Exactly.
Dre: Mm-hmm.
Sylvia: Yeah, and anyway, someone kind of caught on pretty quickly that this isn't a very common practice out west like I told them it was. And anyway, do you guys need any cows? I've got a few.
Keith: Was it because they were also out west?
Sylvia: No, like the west…like wester. Like, further.
Keith: Wester. Okay.
Sylvia: Like, Pacific Ocean.
Austin: Like the ocean.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Austin: [laughs] Yeah, you meant they do this under the sea. The sea cows.
Sylvia: International waters is a wild time.
Austin: In this scenario, what you're saying is you go to a recently arrived cattle raiser.
Sylvia: Yes.
Austin: And you say, “Now, hello there. Did you know cows play pool?”
Sylvia: They're very talented at it.
Austin: Intuitively.
Sylvia: They have great spacial awareness.
Austin: Right, right.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Austin: And then you give them the cow– you give them the pool hat, the pool cue hat.
Sylvia: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Austin: I have a very important question. Where does the billiards table come from? You carry that around with you?
Sylvia: I mean, I carry the balls around, and we just kind of find a table.
Dre: Yeah.
Austin: You just find a table on the ranch.
Dre: I think this was how snooker was invented, I’m pretty sure.
Sylvia: If you tape some cups…just tie some cups to the end of a table, and…
Austin: Tie some cups. Okay, sure.
Sylvia: What’s the difference?
Austin: I mean, well…okay.
Keith: I have a question.
Sylvia: [laughs] Yeah.
Keith: How often does, you know, one of these ranchers agree to watch a second game of pool in a row?
Sylvia: [laughs] Well, usually the first one is so engaging that they're like, “Well, shit, I gotta see that again.”
Keith: Okay.
Dre: Tellin’ me you wouldn't watch a cow play pool two times in a row?
Sylvia: You wouldn't watch a cow win pool two times in a row? Because that's what they're expecting. They're expecting me to lose again.
Keith: Huh, that does sound good.
Sylvia: I get really dramatic with it. [Keith laughs]
Austin: You gotta put on a whole show.
Sylvia: Yeah, yeah.
Austin: “Oh, I almost gotcha!” and then you don't.
Sylvia: Yeah, I got one of my friends to pretend to shoot me one time during it.
Austin: That seems excessive.
Sylvia: That's where I got this other hat in this hole– uh, the other hole in this hat. [out of character] And I take the hat on.
Austin: I have another very important question.
Sylvia: Yeah?
Keith: Tammy One-Hat-Two-Holes.
Sylvia: [sputters] Don’t call me that!
Austin: Do not. [Sylvia and Austin laugh] How do you lose the first match?
Sylvia: Literally, it's actually pretty easy. You let the cow sorta like you do their thing for a little bit, and like, you miss a couple…
Keith: [laughs] You just let the cow play pool. [laughter]
Sylvia: Yeah, yeah. You miss a couple times, and then–
Austin: Then where’s the scam?
Janine: Natural aptitude.
Austin: Yeah! This seems to me like you shouldn't have a bounty on your head at all.
Sylvia: Well, no, because then on the second game…
Art: The game’s gonna take so long.
Sylvia: [laughs] The first game is really easy to lose, because I just need to sink the eight ball at some point, and that's pretty easy when you've got a cow sort of mashing stuff around.
Austin: Ah.
Dre: Mm, mm.
Sylvia: And the second time… [confident] I'm actually pretty decently at pool, so usually…like, I've only lost one time.
Austin: So you're not good enough to be a regular poor hustler, 'cause if you were, you–
Sylvia: Oh my God, no. That’s so hard.
Keith: [laughs] How many–
Dre: Pool hustling’s hard.
Sylvia: People have opposable thumbs and stuff.
Keith: How many cows do you have?
Sylvia: With a cow, they just have their neck mostly, with the way that I sort of have this going.
Keith: How many cows have you hustled like this?
Sylvia: 15.
Austin: 15?
Keith: So you have a 15 herd?
Sylvia: I mean, like…
Dre: That's a lot of cows.
Sylvia: Sometimes I lost the third game, and I didn't get to keep them, but…
Keith: Third game?!
Dre: So, I mean, your bounty’s from stealing all those cows, right? To teach them how to hustle.
Sylvia: [laughs quietly] Yeah, double or nothing. Sorry, what was that?
Dre: Your bounty’s from stealing all these cows that you taught to hustle, not actually the pool hustle.
Sylvia: I mean, like, it's sort of a multiple charges situation.
Dre: Go hand in hand.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Keith: It’s all on the poster.
Austin: Why don't you simply train a cow to play pool and do this hustle with the cow? You’d get more money that way.
Sylvia: Where’s the fun in that?
Austin: You're having fun?
Sylvia: People know the name Tammy Two-Hats. [Keith and Janine laugh] People don't know the pool playing cow.
Austin: You're getting like joy from scamming people with the cows.
Sylvia: Hey, you know what they say. Like what you do and you won't work a day in your life, you know?
Art: This sounds like a lot of work.
Austin: Yeah, this is…
Keith: I’m in the old west, and I've never heard that.
Sylvia: It’s really that…listen. Do any of you guys have a cow?
Austin: Not for you.
Keith: No.
Art: No, I wouldn't tell you about it.
Sylvia: I was just gonna say we could…I can demonstrate. But if you're not interested, then I'll just…
Keith: Can you demonstrate twice and raise the stakes on the second game? [Austin laughs]
Sylvia: Oh, yeah, no, that's easy. If you really want, I could demonstrate three times, and we could do double or nothing on the third time.
Austin: Oh, this is how you lose all your money. I wouldn't mess with this.
Dre: Mm-hmm.
Keith: Yeah.
Sylvia: Listen! Only once.
Austin: I wouldn’t do it.
Sylvia: And now I've got a bunch of cows.
Austin: All right, I'll come back to these in a little bit, but we need to finish this game off. Dre, what is your character name? What type of pie are you eating? Talk to me about your bounty.
Dre: I tilt back my black wide brim hat [Austin: “Uh oh”] that's covered in veils, because I'm Artemus Gravemaker, the outlaw goth sheriff.
Austin: Oh no!
Keith: Oh no!
Sylvia: [laughs, claps excitedly] Oh, I’m so happy.
Keith: There’s someone worse than the clam person.
Austin: One more time with that name?
Dre: Uh, Artemus Gravemaker.
Austin: Artemus Gravemaker.
Janine: Amazing.
Sylvia: Let’s fucking go.
Art: That’s a fantastic…
Keith: [laughs] The outlaw…
Art: Is it intentionally the guy from Wild Wild West? [Austin laughs]
Dre: No. I didn't know that. That's awesome. Love that.
Art: Not Gravemaker, but yeah.
Keith: Artemus?
Austin: Artemus.
Dre: Now, I should point out I'm the outlaw goth sheriff, because I'm no longer a sheriff, because I quit.
Austin: You lost your– you quit. You didn't get fired.
Janine: Mm.
Dre: I quit.
Austin: You didn't…you resigned.
Keith: You're sort of the anti-sheriff.
Dre: Well, I mean, they said they fired me, but I quit first.
Keith: Oh, you quit. Okay. You're not an anti-sheriff.
Dre: I killed my deputy, and they tried to fire me for it, but I quit.
Keith: Oh my God. What did your deputy do to deserve such a thing, such a fate?
Dre: Uh, he was a deputy. [quiet laughter]
Austin: Wow.
Keith: Wow.
Austin: No love for deputies, huh?
Dre: Nope.
Sylvia: Weren't you one at some point?
Dre: No.
Sylvia: Oh. Just fast tracked. Okay.
Dre: I was the first person in town, so I got hired as the sheriff, and we didn't have a deputy.
Keith: If you were the first one in town, who hired you to be the sheriff?
Dre: Uh, three other people. It was an election.
Austin: Did you run or did they just nominate you?
Dre: They just nominated me.
Austin: They looked at you and said, “Now, that's a sheriff and a goth.”
Keith: That’s a sheriff.
Dre: Yep.
Austin: Wait, were you a goth at that point in your life, or did that come later?
Dre: Yes, I was, absolutely.
Keith: So there was a point where you were Artemus Gravemaker, goth sheriff, legally.
Dre: Yeah, and I'm not proud of it.
Keith: Because of the…because now you're an outlaw, through and through.
Dre: Yes.
Keith: Okay.
Austin: Why did you resign?
Dre: Because I… [sighs]
Keith: Ooh, this is tough for you to say.
Austin: I’m pointing my gun at you.
Keith: This is very emotional.
Dre: It seemed like it was a lot more fun to not be a sheriff than to be a sheriff.
Austin: You were just watching us and going, “Now, they're having a good time.
Dre: Yeah, yeah. I hired a man to kill my deputy, and then I was like, “Damn, I should have done that myself.”
Austin: Oh, you're the guy who hired the guy.
Dre: Uh huh. And I'm here to get revenge.
Austin: On who?
Keith: On…?
Dre: I don't know. How many of you all shot my boy?
Austin: Oh, you–
Sylvia: I haven't shot anyone ever.
Keith: [laughs] I have no idea who your boy is.
Dre: That's true. You're safe.
Keith: Also, I've never shot anyone.
Dre: You're safe, Dre Table.
Keith: Thank you. [laughter] Stable. Dre Stable.
Dre: Now, the rest of y'all…
Janine: It was Stable. It was Stable.
Dre: Oh, sorry. I thought I said Dre Stable.
Janine: [laughs] Dre Table.
Keith: People make that mistake all the time.
Dre: I'm a cowboy. I drop the S sometimes.
Austin: You drop the S.
Janine: That’s true, yeah. That’s authentic.
Austin: Listen. I was with you for a minute, but now I gotta point my gun at you.
Dre: Mm.
Austin: I feel like the sort of no-good Sheriff we heard about from that other fellow, you know, uh…
Dre: Were you the ringleader? Were you the ringleader who got my man killed?
Austin: I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I damn well was. [laughter] And I'll kill you again, just like I killed him.
Dre: You can't kill me again.
Austin: Well, you're a goth. I assume you already went through some sort of death and rebirth process once, in the process of…
Sylvia: That is typically how it works.
Austin: That is how it works, except your gothness…
Dre: I don’t talk about puberty anymore. [someone sputters]
Austin: Yeah, uh huh. Well, you're dealing with Calabaster Selery-Salt, two S's in Selery-Salt, and I'll just tell you straight up: I'm a killer. I invited you all–
Keith: Two S’s in each Selery and Salt? So, four total S’s?
Austin: No, just two S's in Selery-Salt, just two total.
Keith: Okay.
Austin: You can figure out where they go.
Keith: C-E-L-E-R-E-R-Y-S-S-S…
Austin: I am eating a cherry merengue pie with no fish or fish products in it, thank you, or shellfish or mammalian aquatic animals or any other thing you're gonna try to sneak into my food.
Keith: Should I accept rhubarb?
Austin: And I hold pie contests to invite people with bounties to get ‘em close, and then I get ‘em.
Dre: Mm.
Austin: And sometimes people get caught up in the crossfire. That's why the bounty.
Dre: Oh, I’m eating a blackberry pie.
Austin: That sounds pretty good.
Dre: Yeah.
Austin: That sounds pretty good.
Sylvia: The gothest berry.
Dre: The gothest pie I could think of.
Keith: So this was a setup? This six person pie festival was a setup?
Austin: It was a setup from the beginning. And I got the guns I need to back it up, so I would not point your guns at me.
Keith: I actually am going to point my gun at you.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Austin: I wouldn't do that because of how my gun is bigger.
Sylvia: Well…
Dre: You sure about that, cowboy?
Austin: A hundred percent.
Keith: It doesn’t matter how big the gun is. It still points at only one person at a time.
Austin: Yeah, but I mean, that's fine. You can point it at me, but then you would be missing the opportunity of increasing how much our take is. If you think your gun is good enough to shoot somebody, and you're all shooting it at me, and you get me, that's only one little take you have to split all the way. But if a few of us point at a few of the other folks, we can get all those bounties and split them ourselves.
Sylvia: That’s a really good point. I'm pointing my gun at Art now.
Austin: There we go.
Keith: Yeah, and I’m pointing mine back– I have personal beef with the Clamato one. [Janine laughs]
Austin: Yeah, I gotta tell you, Cathy Clamato…
Janine: It’s not beef. It’s not beef. It’s not beef. [Austin and Keith laugh]
Austin: Cathy Clamato is an all time villain. It's hard for me not to point my gun at Cathy.
Janine: Listen, I wasn't gonna say anything about your pie, but… [out of character] and at this point, I pull a little…it seems like a salt shaker, but it's full of like sort of dark forest green powder.
Austin: Ugh. I cannot believe it.
Janine: And I slide it across the table, and I say: algae.
Austin: You fucking kelped me. You alged–
Janine: It’s good for you.
Austin: Mm…
Janine: People pay good money for this in their smoothies, in their skincare.
Austin: [laughs quietly] Their wild west smoothies.
Dre: Uh huh.
Janine: You get a rainbow algae retinol. That's a good cream. [Sylvia laughs] You should thank me.
Dre: That’s true. I've used them. How do you think I keep my alabaster skin? [Austin snorts]
Keith: Oh, it is pearlescent.
Dre: Thank you.
Austin: All right, let's get on with it. It’s time to pull the trigger. Ready?
Art: Janine, you're shooting me too?
Austin: Yeah, is Janine– where is Janine? Janine is shooting Art? Okay. My gun pointed at…sorry, ahem. Calabaster Selary-Salt’s gun is pointed at the Soundboard Kid. Is that correct? No, the Soundboard Kid is Art. It’s pointed at, sorry, Artemus Gravemaker, the former goth sheriff.
Dre: Yeah.
Austin: The goth former sheriff.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Dre: The outlaw goth sheriff.
Austin: Thank you. Outlaw goth sheriff. Where is your gun pointed, outlaw goth sheriff?
Dre: At you.
Austin: At me. Correct. Then let's go to Cathy Clamato. Where's your gun pointed?
Janine: Mine is pointed at Art.
Austin: Art, the Soundboard Kid. Jake.
Art: Soundboard Kid.
Janine: Yeah.
Austin: Jake, the Soundboard Kid.
Keith: James?
Austin: James.
Art: James.
Austin: [laughs quietly] James the Soundboard Kid. Where's your gun pointed, James?
Art: At Tammy Two-Hats.
Austin: Tammy Two-Hats, where's your gun pointed?
Sylvia: My gun is pointed right back at Jake James the Soundboard Kid.
Austin: Jake James the Soundboard Kid. And that leaves us with Dre Stable, whose gun is pointed at…?
Keith: My gun is pointed at Cathy Clamato.
Austin: And on three, we're gonna pull those triggers and see what happens. Ready?
Janine: Mm-hmm.
Art: Uh huh.
Austin: Three, two, one, bang. Oh, you got me!
Dre: I got you. [Austin groans as if shot]
Janine: Ah, I’m got too.
Austin: Oh, all right.
Dre: I had a shotgun under the table pointed at you.
Art: I’m also got.
Austin: So, Dre, you had a 10. That beats my nine, so that's easy. You get my 18 bounty. Who’s up?
Art: Well, the total bounty is split by everyone.
Austin: Right, true. Right, right, right. So it's 18 in the bounty pool now. Art, what were you…did you get got or do you get?
Art: I got got. I got got.
Dre: Yeah, Art got got.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Art: And my 13 goes in the pool.
Austin: Oh, damn! Okay, so 18 plus 13. Then, who’s next? Uh, Keith?
Art: Janine got– no one shot Keith.
Keith: No one was aiming at me.
Austin: No one– [laughs] Keith got off scot free. Keith played this perfect.
Janine: Yeah.
Keith: Yeah.
Dre: Uh huh.
Art: But Keith got Janine, and that’s one more bounty.
Janine: Mm-hmm.
Sylvia: The pie guy.
Austin: Oh, okay. I see, I see, I see. The second card was the eight and the nine. Right, okay.
Janine: Yeah.
Austin: Yeah. And so that's…so, Janine’s gone, so that means Art. You're gone too, right? Yeah, so it's Sylvi and Dre and Keith walk away with everything?
Art: Yeah.
Dre: Two goths and a pie maker.
Sylvia: You guys want to go play some pool? [laughter]
Keith: Sure, you want to sling some pie?
Sylvia: We need a fourth, I’ve got a cow.
Dre: You know what? I would love to.