How to Live the Covenant

Discrimination, which includes harassment, occurs when any person is denied or limited in the ability to participate in or benefit from Congregation Har HaShem’s services, activities, or opportunities on the basis of sex, gender, gender identity or expression, sexual orientation, parental or marital status, disability, race, ethnicity, color, national origin, age, class or social background, or religious or political belief.

Certain forms of discrimination are obvious; others are less so. Below we provide examples of discrimination, harassment, and unwelcome behaviors related to a variety of groups so that we as a community can recognize harmful words and acts. Sometimes, even if a comment or gesture is made with good intent, the impact of that comment or gesture can be hurtful. To help our community become a place where all can feel a sense of belonging, we must further our understanding.

Regarding sex/gender/sexual orientation/gender identity based discrimination, harassment, or unwelcome behavior

Discrimination based on sex, gender,sexual orientation, gender identity or expression, transgender status, pregnancy, parenting, or marital status occurs in all contexts, including congregations Such discrimination, harassment and unwelcome behaviors may include a range of subtle and not-so-subtle behaviors and may involve individuals of the same or different sex, gender, gender identity, or sexual orientation. Depending on the circumstances, these behaviors may include, but are not limited to: 

• Unwanted sexual advances or requests for sexual favors
• Sexual jokes, noises, remarks, and innuendo, against an individual or one gender in general (e.g. making offensive remarks about women in general)
• Sex/gender stereotyping, such as when conduct or personality traits are considered inappropriate simply because they may not conform to other people’s ideas or perceptions about how individuals of a particular gender should act or look
• Intentionally misgendering (referring to a transgender or non-binary person using a word, especially a pronoun, that does not correctly reflect their gender identity) (e.g. “I just don’t get the they/them.” “I can’t use they.  It’s incorrect grammar.”)
• Using a transgender or non-binary individual’s birth or other former name instead of their chosen name (often referred to as “deadnaming”)
• Assuming a person would be dating someone of a different gender (e.g. “Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?” as opposed to “Are you in a relationship?”)
• Bullying or verbal abuse of a sexual nature, whether a single act or a series of repeated incidents. It can include verbal behavior (e.g., making threats, inappropriate sexual or other comments, and taunting), social misconduct (e.g., spreading rumors and exclusion), physical behavior (e.g., harming a person’s body or possessions), or cyber bullying (similar conduct using electronic media). Bullying often involves a real or perceived power imbalance, such as using physical strength or access to embarrassing information, a position in an organization, or popularity to control or harm others.
• Asking a person invasive questions (e.g., “Have you had surgery?”)
• Asking a person how they know what their gender is
• Comments about attire or clothing or appearance
• Asking a person to remove or commenting on their use of a yarmulke if they do not appear as male
• Making fun of the acronym that encompasses a diverse population (e.g. “LGBTQXYZ”)
• Commentary about an individual's body, attractiveness, sexual prowess or sexual deficiencies
• Leering, staring, catcalls or touching
• Insulting or obscene comments or gestures
• Repeatedly asking someone for dates or propositioning
• Display or circulation of sexually suggestive objects or pictures in any format (including through email or social media)

• Contacts of a physical nature between adults in an unequal relationship that may involve inappropriate touching, embraces or assault, verbal suggestions of sexual involvement or sexually demeaning comments, or sexual relations
• Activity such as dating during the course of a counseling relationship between a Har HaShem employee and a congregant
• In the employment context, treating someone (an applicant or employee) unfavorably because of that person's sex, gender, gender identity or expression, or sexual orientation, etc.
• Sexual contact of any nature with a minor or legally incompetent person
• Rape or sexual contact by force, threat or intimidation
• Other generally unwelcome behaviors or unwanted attention of a sexual nature, including hugs and kisses

Regarding disability-based discrimination, harassment or unwelcome behavior

Disability discrimination occurs when someone is treated less well or put at a disadvantage for a reason that relates to their disability. The treatment could be a one-off action, the application of a rule or policy or the existence of physical or communication barriers which make accessing something difficult or impossible. The discrimination may not be intentional.  Likewise, unwelcome behaviors may not be intentionally harmful but demonstrate a lack of awareness that can cause those with disabilities to feel unwelcome, undervalued, and/or unsafe within the congregation. Examples of disability discrimination, harassment and unwelcome behaviors include, but are by no means limited to:

• Disability jokes, remarks, inappropriate questions and innuendo diminishing a person’s full humanity
• Bullying or verbal abuse focused on a person’s disability; teasing, name-calling
• Staring or inappropriate touching
• Insulting comments or gestures (e.g., use of terms like “cripple,” “retarded,” “moron,” “crazy,” “skitzo” “dumb” etc.)
• Moving, leaning on or holding onto a person’s wheelchair or mobility assistance device (cane, walker, etc.) without permission
• Pushing or pulling a person with visual impairment
• Petting or distracting a service animal
• Speaking to a companion, as opposed to the individual with a disability
• Talking down to individuals with disabilities and/or not treating them according to their age (speak in a normal speed, tone and diction unless asked to do otherwise)
• Lavishing praise for a person’s “courage”
• Assisting someone without inquiring first whether they would like help
• Ignoring or excluding individuals because they have a disability
• Pressuring someone to engage or participate in something that is uncomfortable
• Offering unsolicited advice about a person’s mental illness or diminishing their illness (e.g. “Everyone feels that way sometimes.” “It could be worse.” “We’ve all been there.”)

Regarding race/color/national origin/ethnicity-based discrimination, harassment or unwelcome behaviors

While there are, unfortunately, far too many examples of race/color/national origin/ethnicity discrimination and harassment to recount here, there are several examples of harassment and/or unwelcome behavior specific to the congregational setting experienced by many Jews of Color. These behaviors may include, but are by no means limited to:

• Treating a person as an outsider or seeing them as exotic
• Questioning whether a person is Jewish
• Treating someone unfavorably because they are married to or associated with a person of a certain race/color/national origin/ethnicity
• Asking a person “How are you Jewish?” or “Are you really Jewish?”
• Asking a person to speak on behalf of all Jews of Color
• Mistaking a person as a member of the maintenance or event staff
• Displaying racially-offensive symbols or slogans
• Being disproportionately and aggressively questioned by security
• Showing surprise that a person knows a great deal about being Jewish and/or Torah

NOTE: A 2019 Stanford Graduate School of Education study last year estimated that Jews of color represent 12% to 15% of the American Jewish population, or about 1 million people of about 7.2 million U.S. Jews overall.

Regarding age-based discrimination, harassment or unwelcome behaviors

Ageism includes stereotypes, myths, outright disdain and dislike, avoidance of contact, and discrimination based on a person’s age. Examples of ageism that may occur in the synagogue include:

• Automatically talking loudly to an older person without knowing if that is helpful or needed
• Talking to a younger person accompanying an older person instead of directly to the older person
• Talking slowly or with “elder speak” (similar to baby talk) to an older person
• Ignoring or overlooking an older person who might contribute to conversations, committees, events, etc.
• Assuming someone’s characteristics due to generational stereotypes (e.g. xyz generation is apathetic)
• Limiting an older person’s ability to participate in events, classes, services, etc. due to technology challenges

Regarding discrimination, harassment or unwelcome behaviors based on class or social background

Class or social background discrimination and harassment includes individal attitudes, behaviors, systems of policies and practices based on a person’s wealth, income, education, occupation or social networks. Examples of discrimination, harassment or unwelcome behaviors based on class or social background that may occur in the synagogue include:

• Limiting a person’s ability to participate in programs or activities based on their ability to pay
• Making negative assumptions about a person’s knowledge or abilities based on their level of education or occupation
• Insensitivity to individuals’ or families' different economic challenges or circumstances

Regarding discrimination, harassment or unwelcome behaviors based on religious beliefs

Religious discrimination involves treating a person unfavorably because of their religious beliefs. It can also involve treating someone unfavorably because that person is partnered or associated with an individual of a particular religion. While religious discrimination takes many forms outside of faith communities, it can exist within a faith community as well. Examples of religious discrimination, harassment and unwelcome behaviors that may occur in congregational life include, but are not limited to:

• Negatively commenting on or questioning a person’s stated religion
• Negatively commenting on a person’s religious attire or practices
• Expecting a non-Jewish person in an interfaith family to abandon their faith tradition and/or spiritual expression
• Poking fun at or denigrating other religions and associated customs

Regarding discrimination, harassment or unwelcome behaviors based on political beliefs

Discrimination based on political beliefs occurs when a person is treated adversely because of their political beliefs or activities. In the congregational setting, the more likely experience is one of harassment or unwelcome behavior. Examples of such include, but are not limited to:

• Publicly criticizing a person’s political beliefs or activities
• Aggressively sharing very partisan beliefs
• Engaging in personal attacks as opposed to arguing for Jewish values