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Putting the ”N” in News

  January, 2019

2018 - A Year N’ Review

                                  By Dresden O’Leary


Faithful readers,

2018 Was a crazy year - and I wanted to start 2019 out right, with a quick thank you to everyone who made the Kazoo such a success last year.

Firstly, the Readers - without whom the Kazoo would not be where it is today. It is you the people, that give us the writers the drive and determination to chase down the stories and risk life and limb to get them on parchment.

Secondly, my amazing Staff:

Lord Syruss: Who saw a down on his luck kid with a nose for the news, and gave him a chance to shine. Not only did he start the paper in its infancy and hand it off to yours truly, but he continues to post gritty noir tales, local news updates, and zany comics.

Jean Baptise: For Delivering crisp cider reviews, juicy recipes and other segments that made up the "meat" of the paper

Lady Kindrianna: Despite tremendous personal growth, the once former 'Mouse' still managed to find the time to deliver a fresh outsiders' perspective on Neden culture, and sometimes - to bring a bit of her own culture to the table.

Lady Zarine: Who knew a scathing review on cranberry sauce would lead to one of our most classy contributors to date! Lady Zarine is a welcomed addition who brings a fresh rarified perspective to us mud-dwellers

NAJ: Who took time away from stabilizing portals and magicking that cow back together to put in some great pieces for the Kazoo. I sincerely hope we get to see more of that.

Lastly, All of you who voted the Kazoo as #2 “Best recurring piece"

We're Number 2! WE'RE NUMBER 2! - Ok, maybe I'll think of something better to shout out to celebrate our second place win in this years view awards. How about THANK YOU. Thank you so much for letting us know that you sincerely enjoy what we bring to the table. I promise you, this year will see an expansion in content, bringing even more exciting news to your door. That way when asked we did next year we can say "We went #1, not #2."


I Can't Even 

by Madame Zarine


 

                Well, my dears, it's a new year but it certainly isn't a new me, and there are always things that I just can't with so let's get down to business, shall we?

                Today's article is brought to you by the nation of Rhiassa and their apparent disregard for silverware. Now, none of them seem like the type of folks who regularly eat with their hands, yet apparently they expect us to. From only providing spoons at what we now call the 'tater table' to not providing any silverware with dinner it's a wonder we all survived the chaos that was Leviathan.

                Now, I am sure there are some wonderful groups of people out there who are perfectly fine eating with their hands, or with sticks, or leaves, whatever gets food to their mouths and that's fine. I might not sit with them, or near them, at a dinner party but to each their own. However, most of us prefer the appropriate eating utensil, and even those who don't should be given the choice to eat correctly for a change.

                Anyone who knows me knows that I am always prepared for a fancy dinner, so I had in my basket a variety of plates, bowls, and silverware. Everyone also knows that I give of my forks freely, and by the time the seated dinner came about I had only one fork left to give, which I of course gave to myself. The rest at my table who hadn't traveled with their own mastication equipment had to settle for spoons, and we all know that forking is better than spooning. We did manage to procure some forks from the kitchen eventually, but by then I was already thoroughly annoyed.

                'But they were trying something new Zarine, why you gotta be this way,' you are surely thinking, and quite honestly I am even thinking that a little myself. I mean, who gets upset by silverware, or lack thereof. Well, dear reader, I assure you I can get upset about far less important things than having to ask for a fork. My pettiness knows no bounds. Let's remember that I once wrote an entire scathing article about mismatched salt and pepper shakers.  But don't worry, they solved that problem this year; we didn't get salt and pepper shakers.

                I have racked my brain for reasons for not having place settings for dinner. That they ran out of time and/or forgot keeps popping into my mind, but then I quickly brush it aside as it's hard to be harsh on someone simply for forgetting something, or being too busy cooking all that delicious food. No, no, there must be a reason that I can be more critical of, and where I won't be thought of as a terrible old hag. So, the only logical explanation I can come up with is that they simply do not trust us with these implements. 'But. Zarine, they let us have weapons in the feast hall, so...' No! You shush! It's completely logical and I am sticking to it.

                So, they don't trust us with them, which is for sure the reason, but why not? I mean, it's a feast! Do they think we are uncouth animals? Incapable of controlling ourselves? We're just there to eat, and socialize, and gamble. It's not like anyone just randomly stabs someone at a feast. Like, literally that has never happened, ever. Not even in Rhiassa. Not even at a wedding. Not even... I feel like this is maybe getting away from me a bit. Anyways, the point is, that we are all very well behaved citizens of the Realms, and we should be allowed our tableware. So next year, if we promise to try very hard not to stab anyone with them, might we please have some forks?

                

And maybe bring back the salt and pepper shakers.

                So until next year, my dears!


 

‘N’ Local News
Investigative Reporting from The Man himself Lord Syruss O’leary


Neden coin aficionado is looking for of the rare Rhaissian 25 pieces that went out this past weekend. If you are looking to make a trade please contact Jayce of Neden>

Cabby Neden’s finest Guber Kart Driver stopped a robber in progress by trampling over the would-be criminals in the street. “That was robbers I thought it was a speed bump, I really need to stop scrying and driving.”

Dith’s
Rowdy Ruffians school for MMA is doing great. He is hosting their first tournament from rival school Black Mamba Ka. He is busy sweeping the arena and doing all the legwork for the required forms and waivers.

Zodiark
 Neden’s newest full N member has been helping petitioner Danikine “Ditch” Maloy
select a color for his own N. “Ditch” has been traveling with Neden for sometime now and the powers at be are starting to groom him for his final trials.

Gumbo of NEDEN is a DADDY!!!!!
 You read that right. Gumbo just gave birth to his new baby boy and couldn’t be more excited. A naming ceremony will be taking place in Neden soon!!1

Also Expecting is Sir Naj. Neden’s first Prime Minister. Naj is patiently awaiting the birth of his first child in Neden’s Maternity ward….YEs we have one of those.


            From the Lords Desk

“Not everything that is hungry is evil”

By Lord Syruss O’Leary



This past Feat of Leviathan I did something uncouth to some. I ate someone's pet, or more importantly to them their child (NO it was not their real child just a thing they found that they grew attached to...but more on that in a second)

You see in Neden awhile back we had a florist who sold a plant that was similar to a venus fly trap, we named it Audrey 2. It was a special creature from space no less, that had an insatiable appetite. Well Danikin not knowing better kept feeding the creature until in grew and grew and turned its appetites towards larger meals such as whole cows. It wasn’t until it start eating people that we knew we had a problem on our hands. As it turned out this creature was fully aware of what it was doing as it had plans to terraform our planet to be a host for its spawn using all life forms as it food source. But that was then, and I should have been wise enough to know that not all creatures are the same.

A few months ago a Celestial Squid landed in some chaotic lands. What we learned about this sentient creature was that it was from a race of consumers. It consumes energy to be specific. A fellow adventurer and friend (maybe he might hate me now) Thorill found said creature and proceeded to feed it  magical energy in mass amounts.

I told him that it was dangerous as we did not yet fully understand why it feeds the way it does. I told him the dangers of how a consuming creature if feed at a rate like it was would eventually adapt and require more, and more and more until it was uncontrollable.
Granted a few people tend not to believe me at face value, that’s fine, I have learned to live with such prejudices, being a demon. However, I told him i would eat that creature before it ate me. The next 6 months would be a cheeky back and forth between Thorill and I about me wanting to eat that creature.
“Syruss can you help me with X” Thorill would say.
“Give me that squid and sure.” I would respond
“Not going to happen” was the reply I received. It went on and on all the while the creature was being fed.

I told many heroes of the realms my concerns and my goals. All of which was usually met with a chuckle or a “O Syruss, classic you eating celestials..” But I don’t think my friends took the threat to our world serious. But again I am use to not being believed.

Then the feast came. I knew Thorill would be on guard for me so I asked a friend if he would see if Thorill would lend him the Squid. To which he did!! Hooray!! They then proceeded to give me the squid and you can guess what happened next… I ATE IT.


Two things happened when I ate it.
1. I was reminded how much I hate SeaFood
2. I could feel the presence of a God happily scurrying around my insides (not good).

After seeing how visibly upset my friend Thorill was and talking with my dear friends Twen and Maliki we decided their had to be a better way to contain and study the creature.

Maliki being the quick thinker shoved his hand down by throat and pulled out the squid who was shocked to say the least.
It then said it is cutest voice...Goodbye and thanks for all the Magic and it returned to space.

We have since learned that the Squid is alive and well orbiting us now roughly the size of a Large Sack of potatoes.  Which you know can’t possibly end well right?!?!

It was then that someone explained something profound to me. As they were gorging themselves on delicious food from Rhiassa. “A lion isn’t evil because it eats a antelope. A shark not evil for consuming a seal. For some moral alignments do not matter when it comes to food source.”

They were right. This squid was not that evil plant, it was in fact a hungry small god looking for a meal. My actions to do what I deemed best was hasty and could have cost me a friend or two in the process( people don’t like when you eat things they are attached to.)
So I learned an important lesson no matter how much warning you give when you eat someone's loved one feelings always get hurt. But maybe more importantly is don’t judge an eating machines morality based on it’s appetite.

January Puzzles

Take the results of this crossword and submit them in the wordsearch! can’t figure out an answer? Maybe you’ll see a familiar word in the wordsearch that will fit in the crossword. I MADE IT SO EASY THIS MONTH. No reason I shouldn’t get a ton of entries!Take the results of this crossword and submit them in the wordsearch! can’t figure out an answer? Maybe you’ll see a familiar word in the wordsearch that will fit in the crossword. I MADE IT SO EASY THIS MONTH. No reason I shouldn’t get a ton of entries!