Dear Liisphyra

Episode 39 (S4E9): Following Up

Official Transcript

Written by Katie Siegel

[cheerful intro theme]

Liisphyra: Gooooood morning, Grevelon, and welcome back to Dear Liisphyra. My name’s Liisphyra Lyndambar. And if this is your first time tuning in, on this show I give advice to any folks and creatures who may need it!

Well, Ruvyn. What do you have to say for yourself?

[beat]

Fine, I’ll say it for you. Our station manager Ruvyn…[sighs] has been hiding letters again.

Ever since I found Ruvyn’s hidden potion stash in the ceiling of the main studio, I became convinced that there were other hiding spots throughout the radio station that I didn’t know about. I looked everywhere. The closet, obviously. Cleared that out. Found a hat I’d thought I’d lost, but no hiding spots. I took a sip of a floating potion and pushed on every spot on the ceiling. Nothing. Then I had to wait a while for the potion to wear off so I could tackle the floor. Still nothing.

Then I noticed something Ruvyn had hung on the wall a while back. It’s a painting of all the radio station hosts at the ceremony for the Grevlonian Committee For Giving Out Awards, where we won the Excellence in Radio award. At the time, I thought it was so sweet and sentimental that Ruvyn would hang that up.

But as I was searching for more hiding spots, I thought…hang on. Ruvyn is neither sweet nor sentimental. So why would he hang that painting up? So, I removed the art from its hook, and LO AND BEHOLD, there was a secret compartment hidden behind it. And in that compartment? LETTERS.

For those who don’t know, Ruvyn has a habit of hiding letters from me that aren’t from people asking for advice, because he knows I feel bad not replying to people. These letters are from folks who have previously written or called into the show who’ve sent updates on how they’re doing. And we’re gonna read them.

Ruvyn is grumpily reading his newspaper. Hey, Ruvyn, point out another hiding spot and I’ll just do regular advice this episode. [beat] I already found that one. [beat] Found that one too. [beat] That’s just the first one again. [beat] And he’s gone back to his newspaper. Follow-up letters, it is!

[rustling paper] This first letter comes from Igra. Let me see…oh, yes! Igra is a warlock whose patron uses them to deliver prophecies. Igra’s sister asked Igra to be her maid of honor, but Igra was worried that the ceremony might get interrupted by a prophecy.

Igra writes:

“Dear Liisphyra,

Just wanted to write in to say I took your advice! I requested an audience from my patron, the Abritte, and asked for the day off for my sister’s wedding. The Abritte doesn’t tend to show much emotion, but communicated that they would try to honor my request.

I was feeling good about things the day of the wedding, and the ceremony was going well. Then, right at the end, I felt a prophecy coming on. I was horrified, and considered running away. Before I could make up my mind, the prophecy emerged. And thank the Abritte, it turned out to be a very lovely prognostication about my sister and her fiancée’s happy and long-lasting marriage. There was also a little bit at the end about the Abritte being the “best patron in all of Grevelon” which felt a bit like editorializing rather than unbiased prophesying, but I wasn’t going to complain.

My sister was thrilled, and the rest of the wedding went off smoothly. Thanks so much for the advice!

Best,

Igra”

Oh yay! Oh, I’m so glad to hear that. Sounds like the Abritte definitely deserves a “Grevelon’s best patron” mug. If the Abritte uses mugs. Does the Abritte drink tea? Or…drink at all? Ah, it’s the thought that counts.

Okay, [rustling paper] our next letter comes from…oo! Gevgrin Bottlier! For anyone who’s been living under a rock and never leaves their rock home or takes any visitors or listens to the radio, Gevgrin is a bard who’s really taken off in popularity recently. I was honored to have him write into the show to ask for advice after being named Hottest Man Deceased by Undead Magazine. He felt a bit uncomfortable with all the attention he’d been receiving.

I think I gave him a couple of suggestions. Let’s see how he’s doing!

“Dear Liisphyra,

Gevgrin Bottlier here. I really appreciated your advice about how to deal with my newfound fame. Like you suggested, I started experimenting with some wild outfits for concerts. It turns out I actually have a passion for costuming! It’s definitely helped me feel like my audiences are looking at my outfits and not me. Also started doing more night performances like you suggested, plus having bright spotlights on me during the shows. Both of those help me not see the audience as well while I’m performing.

My career has definitely taken off since I last wrote, and I’m not sure I would’ve been able to handle it without your advice. Thanks so much! Included is a signed portrait, and two tickets to my upcoming concert in the Towering Forest.

-Gevgrin Bottlier”

Wow, incredible signature. I’ll need to find someplace to hang this up. Maybe Ruvyn can put another hiding spot behind it.

Wait. Ruvyn, when was this sent? Did I miss the concert? Ruvyn, I swear to Namrys, if your letter-hoarding made me miss getting floor seats to a Gevgrin Bottlier concert…oh, it’s next week. Whew. Ruvyn, from now on, vet every letter for time-sensitive tickets. That was a close one. Oo, I’m excited. Thanks, Gevgrin!

[rustling paper] This letter is from Skunden. Hm…oh, yes! Skunden was dating a guy who always wanted to duel Skunden over paying the check on their dates. Turned out he had a family tradition of dueling over disputes. Skunden wasn’t comfortable physically fighting this person, so they ended things, but Skunden was unhappy about the breakup.

Let’s see how things are going with Skunden now. Oo, I hope it’s a happy ending.

“Dear Liisphyra,

I can’t thank you enough for your advice.” Okay, promising start, sounds good. “I wanted to keep seeing this guy, but I didn’t want to make him ignore his family’s traditions. Once you pointed out that we could possibly redefine what it means to duel someone, I reached out to him and asked if we could talk.

We met up for drinks, and I asked if he’d consider dueling me in  the game Stone, Moss, Sword to pay for the drinks, like you’d suggested. He was hesitant at first, but he also seemed like he wanted to make things work, so we played Stone, Moss, Sword.

I won the game, but then he demanded we do best two out of three. I won the next game, and he changed it to best three out of five. This went on for another few minutes. I know it’s mostly a game of chance, but he was really bad at it. I finally told him to just let me pay for the drinks, and he insisted we keep dueling. I asked if he just wanted to pay, and he said, “Well, if you’re forfeiting, then I’ll gladly take the win.”

Needless to say, the interaction left me with a bad taste in my mouth (which was impressive on his part, as my drink was delicious). Realizing I didn’t want to be with such a sore loser, I told him I thought it would be best if we didn’t see each other again. Then he challenged me to a duel to see who got to re-break up with the other first, and I just told him he could take the win, and left.”

Aw, man. I thought this was going to be another success story. I’m really sorry, Skunden. At least now you know that he wasn’t the best fit for you.

[rustling paper] Oh, there’s more on the back! Silly Liisphyra.

[clears throat] “I’ve since met the love of my life. We have some differences that would have made me give up on the relationship early on (for one, I root for the C’ordall Crystals, and he roots for the Sundar Squirrels). But your advice about trying to find a compromise has really helped us work through those differences in a way I wasn’t able to do with the original guy. So even though that relationship didn’t work out, your advice still helped me in the end. Thanks so much!

Sincerely,

Skunden”

Oh, what a great ending! I’m so glad things worked out.

He roots for the Squirrels, though? Hey, if you’re able to look past that, you two are ready for anything life throws at you. KIDDING! I’m KIDDING! No one write me any letters about that, I’m just kidding. Go Firefrogs.

[rustling paper] Next letter comes from Rev. Rev…Rev…oh! Rev was a caller—not for Dear Liisphyra, but for when I covered for Rhizla on The Biz With Rhiz! Rev had an idea for a shirt that changes the color of any food that spilled onto it, to prevent the stains from showing. I thought it was a good idea, but had some potential issues, like if someone spilled different colored foods on their shirt.

Let’s see what Rev has to say.

“Liisphyra,

I have to say, I had my doubts about your business prowess. But you had a good point about the flaws in my product, so like any good businessperson, I took the critique and got back to work. Your suggestion for an item of clothing that could just clean itself intrigued me, and after some experiments, I managed to create a prototype.

Last week I called in to The Biz With Rhiz with my new product. Not only did Rhizla love the idea so much that she kicked her socks off, she also asked if I could make a new, self-cleaning pair of socks for her.

I also started listening to your actual show, Dear Liisphyra, and have been moderately enjoying it. Thank you for the advice. Enclosed is a prototype of my self-cleaning shirt.

Regards,

Rev”

Well that is so great to hear! And I love this shirt. Wait, let's test it out with my tea. [spilling liquid] Okay, and…[loud grinding sound and crash] AHHH! Ahhh, ah. Oh, it’s clean. Huh. Well, the cleaning part works really well. Next step might be to make the process a little quieter. But great work so far!

[rustling paper] This next letter comes from Sejfeb. Ah, yes! Sejfeb was babysitting their nephew and telling him an ongoing story every night, and the story seemed to be coming true in real life! Sejfeb was concerned because they’d been setting up a huge battle between the hero of the story and the villain, and Sejfeb was worried they might have to actually fight the villain in real life.

Well, Sejfeb was at least able to write this letter, so that’s a good sign. Let’s see how things went:

“Dear Liisphyra,

Well, I survived. I did as you suggested—gave Eiowan (the main character of my story) a bunch of abilities and powers and weapons to call upon. Honestly, he became pretty overpowered, but I was more concerned for my own life than the narrative of the story. And my nephew only cared about the descriptions of all the powers, so he didn’t mind one bit.

I also gave the evil King Afbej multiple weaknesses, as you suggested—nearsightedness, a stiff knee, and a juyberry allergy, just to name a few.

When I told the story of the final battle to my nephew, I tried to keep it exciting while still making sure that Eiowan was never truly in danger. He seemed to enjoy it, but I was more focused on what was to come the next day.

Sure enough, I was out weeding the garden when dark clouds rolled in, and a man who fit my description of the evil King Afbej appeared on horseback to challenge me to a fight. I was a little shaky on my feet, but all of the story elements I had set up helped me survive the battle. As soon as I defeated the king, everything was suddenly back to normal. The dark clouds were gone, as was my sword. And I could no longer jump to incredibly tall heights. I would’ve wondered if I’d imagined it, if my nephew hadn’t watched the whole thing through one of the windows of the house.

Now he’s insisting I make up a new story, but I’m going to stick to reading to him from books for the time being. I think I’ll start with Morvan’s Dull Walk Home. Just to be safe.

Thanks for the advice!

All the best,

Sejfeb”

Whew, what a story! I’m glad you were able to tell the story in a way that your nephew enjoyed, while still keeping yourself safe. This power sounds so exciting, but I understand you maybe wanting to take a break from it for a while.

Also, just wanted to remind you about Chapter 14 of Morvan’s Dull Walk Home. If it turns out this power works with other people’s stories, you miiight want to skip that one. Unless you’re fireproof, then it’s probably fine.

Wow, I loved hearing these updates! It’s so nice to hear that my advice is actually working for some people. I hope my advice has been helpful for everyone I give it to, even if I don’t get updates from them. At the very least, I don’t think I’ve ever gotten any letters complaining about the result of my advice. Either that, or Ruvyn has an even better hiding place for those letters…

We’re gonna take a quick break to hear from a sponsor, and so I can look for that hiding place. I’ve been told we have a caller on the vine who has previously called into the show, so after that, we’ll take that call. But first, a word from our sponsor.

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Liisphyra: Aaaand we’re back with Dear Liisphyra. I did not find Ruvyn’s hiding spot for letters from people complaining about my advice not working, and he insists it doesn’t exist. I’m choosing to believe him…for now.

And we have a repeat caller on the vine. Hello caller, you’re on the air!

Neboolee: Hi Liisphyra! It’s Neboolee, from the Fairy Kingdom!

Liisphyra: Oh, hello Neboolee, of course, I remember you! Thanks for doing this follow-up.

Neboolee: Happy to be here!

Liisphyra: Would you like to remind the Liisteners of the last time you called in?

Neboolee: I’d love to! So, I had this silly little crush on Prince Laeres Isledone. I spent all my time learning everything there was to know about him, and made all his favorites my favorites. I had plans to go to his coronation with my friends, and was trying to decide between holding up a sign that said, “I LOVE YOU PRINCE LAERES!” or bringing a book and pretending not to be interested so he’d notice me out of all his other adoring fans.

Liisphyra: Right, right.

Neboolee: But you had the incredible idea to hold up a sign with some words of support! So I made a sign that said, “You’ve got this, Prince Laeres! I believe in you!”

Liisphyra: Aw, yay! That was very sweet. I’m sure if he saw the sign, he really appreciated the supportive message.

Neboolee: He did! And now I’m engaged to a prince!

[long pause]

Neboolee: Hellooo? Liisphyra?

Liisphyra: Did you…w—I’m sorry. What did you say?

Neboolee: He really appreciated the words of support!

Liisphyra: Right, and then you said something else after that.

Neboolee: Oh, right. I’m engaged!

Liisphyra: In combat?

Neboolee: No, silly! To be married!

Liisphyra: I don’t know why combat was more believable. Um, how did this happen?

Neboolee: Prince Laeres saw my sign, and me and my friends got invited to the coronation after party! Which, if you remember, Liisphyra, is exactly what I thought would happen.

Liisphyra: [weakly] You did say that.

Neboolee: But we didn’t dance all night, as I’d predicted. Turns out Laeres isn’t much of a dancer, despite what I’d read about him in magazines. I danced a lot with his younger sister, Feliah, who was very nice, but I was distracted waiting to see if Laeres would cut in. But he never did. I left without talking to him.

Liisphyra: So how did you go from that to being engaged?

Neboolee: Well. A few weeks later, I was at my job (I work for a tailor), when suddenly, Prince Laeres burst into the shop, yelling, “Hide me!” I was so surprised—not so much to see the prince, since I knew our fates were intertwined, but because I never thought he’d be the kind of person to run from danger.

But then I realized he was being chased by a pack of adoring fans, and I instantly understood. Those fans can get so obsessed, it’s scary!

Liisphyra: …uh huh.

Neboolee: I threw a cloak over him and had him pose like a mannequin. No one who entered the shop noticed him. Once they all left, he thanked me for my assistance. I thanked him for the invitation to his coronation after party, and he played it cool, like, [deepens voice] “Oh, of course, glad you could make it.” [regular voice] And then he left.

Liisphyra: He left?

Neboolee: Yup!

Liisphyra: Well then how are you engaged?

Neboolee: A week later I was summoned to the castle! Well, my boss was summoned, and was encouraged to bring all the help she had. The royal family needed new clothes, and my boss was told that one of the family members had spoken highly of her shop. I knew it had to have been Laeres, and he was finally taking this opportunity to see me again.

But when we got there, Prince Laeres wasn’t around. I was disappointed, and was assigned to get the measurements for his sister Feliah, who I danced with at the coronation after party. Her coronation to become a prince was in a few months, so she required extra garments, and was asking me a ton of questions about what kind of clothes she should wear.

We turned out to have a lot in common—same favorite foods, favorite books, favorite flowers. Of course, most of my favorites were Prince Laeres’ favorites. At least, what I thought were his favorites at the time. Did you know magazines sometimes just make stuff like that up? Prince Laeres hates sweet mushroom pie! That was a relief to find out—I was sick of eating it all the time.

Liisphyra: Engagement, Neboolee.

Neboolee: So, I got to know Feliah more as I worked on her wardrobe. Then, she revealed to me that she was the one who’d gotten us the invitation to her brother’s coronation after party!

Liisphyra: Wait, wait wait wait. You said Prince Laeres invited you.

Neboolee: Well, I assumed he had. A royal guard came over to us after the ceremony and gave me a royal invitation for me and my friends. Who else could it have been from except Laeres?

Liisphyra: Feliah?

Neboolee: That’s right. Turns out Laeres pointed the sign out to her, thinking it was nice, and she thought it was so nice that she got a little crush on me. She began learning everything there was to know about me: where I worked, my favorite things…can you believe a person could be so obsessed with someone?

Liisphyra: Mind-boggling.

Neboolee: Well, I thought it was cute. Soooo we started dating, and she had her coronation, and now I’m engaged to a prince!!

Liisphyra: Ohhhhh. You’re not engaged to Laeres, you’re engaged to Feliah.

Neboolee: Engaged to…[laughs] You thought I was engaged to Laeres? That’s hilarious! Why would you think that?

Liisphyra: You were…you said…[sighs] I don’t know.

Neboolee: No, my little crush on Laeres is long gone. I’m in love with Feliah!

Liisphyra: That’s great, Neboolee. I’m really happy for you.

Neboolee: Any words of advice for me?

Liisphyra: Well…I’d say, make sure you and your fiancée are honest to yourselves and each other about the things you like and dislike. Sounds like she found out your favorites and made them her favorites to feel closer to you, like you did with Laeres. It’ll probably be good to make sure everyone’s being true to themself so you two can love each other for your true selves.

Neboolee: That’s great advice, Liisphyra. Most of my favorite things are still things I read about Laeres in magazines. I need some new favorites. [gasps] I know! I should convince Feliah to tell me all of her true favorite things, and then make them my favorite things!

Liisphyra: That’s not exactly what I meant—

Neboolee: Thanks so much, Liisphyra! Keep an eye out for a wedding invitation!

Liisphyra: Oh, thank you. I just want to make clear—

Neboolee: Goodbye!

Liisphyra: Wa—oh, okay, bye. Well…you can give advice, but it doesn’t always mean people are going to take it. At least Neboolee seems happy. That’s what’s most important, I suppose.

Well, this walk down memory lane has been wonderful, but I think it’s time to wrap up today’s show. Thank you so much for listening to Dear Liisphyra. Next up we have…[rustling paper] “Someone trying to drink water from a canteen but most of it ends up missing their mouth.” Alright.

I’ll talk to you all again real soon. In the meantime, keep your chin up, and…remember, you can make almost anything happen if you really put your mind to it. Or if you have a power that makes any story you tell come true. Bye!

[chill guitar outro theme]

Nicole: Thank you for listening to Dear Liisphyra, which was created, edited, and written by Katie Siegel. Liisphyra and the sponsor were voiced by Katie Siegel. Neboolee was voiced by Maya Mitterhoff. And I’m Nicole. Hi!

If you enjoy the show and want to help it grow, please take a minute and leave a kind review on the Apple Podcasts app. If you do, Katie will help you search for hiding spots in your local radio station.

For more Dear Liisphyra, check out @DearLiisphyra on TikTok, Instagram, and Twitter. You can also join The Chattering Grove discord. The link to that is in the description. Or don’t, live your life. Bye!