45510

Original text by Aka Akasaka

TL by aihoshiino

A treasure trove of texts, images, and videos spanning the past few decades lie archived and scattered across the vast expanse of the internet. And yet, it's astonishing how swiftly it can all slip away – a server outage, a site's services terminated, or an account deletion, and it's as if those digital memories were never there.

If nobody rushes to the rescue, that collection of moments vanishes into the abyss, forever beyond our reach. Some things, it seems, are destined not to be saved. That's something the "me"1 of today is painfully aware of.

"Oh..."

Without meaning to, I let out a soft sound. It was the noise of a girl who'd just encountered a ghost. My heart, which had been dormant for so long, suddenly sprang to life with a vivid intensity I hadn't felt in ages.

It was, after all, a ghost that I was looking at.

A legendary idol, long since vanished from the entertainment world for sixteen years now. What I'd stumbled upon was an archive of a past livestream, apparently saved against the rules by a determined fan.

"Wow, how many years has it been? Someone actually held onto this? Well, I suppose that's the kind of dedication you can expect from fans."

When I glanced down at the description box, I saw the stream's initial upload date had been written there – it was from right around when B-Komachi was only beginning to gain momentum. If my memory served me right, it would have been when Ai had made her return from her hiatus.

Streaming idols are a dime a dozen these days, but back then, it was a rarity. President Saito had cooked up this whole idea on his own and pushed us all to give it a try. I myself had hosted a handful of those streams, but the words I might've spoken during them had faded into a blur.

If there was even a single archived video I could revisit, it might trigger some long-lost memories. But the odds of that happening were next to none. The streaming service we'd used had been slow to adapt to the rise of smartphones. As a result, viewers had migrated to other platforms, and the site had eventually shuttered for good. Even if you could somehow log in, it would be a fruitless endeavor – the data was beyond recovery.

In short, chances were good that this single video saved by a fan was all that remained.

I dragged my mouse to the center of the thumbnail - and hesitated. Once I clicked "play", I knew that a flood of long-buried emotions would surge back to the surface.

Back then, I hated Ai. And being part of B-Komachi's idol activities had been a slog for me.

My private life was fun, of course - being in the entertainment industry meant meeting celebrities, going to fancy dinners with people I idolized, being in the limelight on TV and getting positive attention anywhere I went.

But my private life wasn't B-Komachi. And even now, I didn't know whether I'd enjoyed a single minute of my time there.

Every day revolved around rehearsals or lessons. I was constantly shuttled across the country for events, but there was never a moment for me to indulge in sightseeing of my own. It all added up, and I found myself missing out on school field trips and events even when I was back home.

And perhaps, worst of all...

Worst of all was the star of this video, Ai. Her very presence had cast a looming shadow over everything I did.

The truth was that most of B-Komachi's popularity was, in essence, Ai's popularity. She stood unquestionably at the group's center during every live performance and everyone else was a mere backup dancer, permitted on stage solely to enhance Ai's presence. Management's bias toward her was so glaringly obvious, it bordered on absurdity. Everything B-Komachi did or didn't do revolved exclusively around Ai.

It's not like I didn't understand.

Without Ai, we wouldn't have sold. Without Ai, we would've remained underground idols forever, never graced by the spotlight to the extent that we were.

Understanding that didn't make me feel any better about it. How could I not hate her when everyone fell over themselves to push her to the top?

B-Komachi had started life as a hodgepodge of middle school models from no-name agencies. At the time, younger age groups were all the rage, but girls in their formative years could undergo rapid changes as they matured. Once they outgrew that youthful phase, they were evaluated the same way as "ordinary" women.

Scouting junior idols is an unforgiving ordeal. Auditions went beyond just evaluating the girls; even their parents were scrutinized, all in an attempt to predict how these young talents might look a few years down the road, ensuring they could withstand the test of time.

In the entertainment industry, talent was only part of the equation; appearance played a pivotal role. Most of B-Komachi's members, myself included, fell prey to its unforgiving standards.

Back when I was a model for a middle-school-targeted fashion magazine, I was regarded as a beautiful girl who wouldn't shy away from any camera. But once I became a high schooler and from there an adult, the round face that had once been my charm point began to gradually drag me down - it made me look childish and unrefined.

"What a waste of potential". Such comments were far from rare.

And so I was endlessly jealous when it came to Ai. While the rest of us were changing, she remained constant from start to finish. Right from the beginning, she exuded a maturity beyond her years, and in the end, she retained a fresh-faced, youthful allure.

My resentment for her ran deep and I was certain that the other members shared similar sentiments. However hard we might try to put on a show of camaraderie, that undercurrent of envy persisted beneath the surface and I believe Ai was well aware of it too. There was an unmistakable barrier between her and the rest of us. We’d worked together for years, yet I never once felt she had been open or honest with any of us.

Back when we’d first debuted, we’d all hung out and gone for food and tried to be friendly but Ai’s breezy aloofness kept anyone from getting close and none of us had the slightest idea of what she was really thinking or feeling.

Then came the day when one of the girls in our group, fed up to the brim, decided to unleash hell on Ai. She stole makeup, spread venomous gossip, and stirred up all sorts of nasty rumors behind Ai's back.

The moment President Saitou caught wind of it, he axed her without a second thought. No graduation concert, no fond farewells – just a cold announcement of her departure. It was a blatant proclamation of where the management's favoritism lay.

In that very instant, it became painfully obvious that if we had any hopes of sticking with B-Komachi, we'd better shut our traps and continue playing second fiddle to Ai.

"What absolute bullshit." I’d thought at the time - and wisely kept it to myself.

I took a deep breath and held it, trying to get my emotions back under control. And when my heart had finally settled again, I pressed play.

"Helloooo! Is everyone picking up what I'm saying?"

Ai's voice came blaring through the speaker. There were no words to convey the gut-wrenching feeling it dredged up in me.

"'It's still kinda quiet'? Well, why don't you crank it up, everyone?"

No hesitation whatsoever in putting others out. Yet, she did it with such an air of grace, as if she couldn't fathom any other mode of communication. That was Ai through and through.

Even so, the Ai on screen before me was even more breathtaking than I had remembered. It seemed that the passage of time had somehow dulled my appreciation of her, and even the younger me, who had been hyper-aware of her allure, had unintentionally underestimated her beauty over the years. No matter who was looking at her, she was exquisitely, undeniably gorgeous.

"So! What should we talk about? I don't have a topic prepared or anything... the President said I should come and have a chat with you all, but about what? ... Oh, I can just read the comments? Alright, let's see..."

The comment section from the original video hadn’t been preserved so until she started reading them out loud, I had no idea what people were asking her.

"‘What’d you eat today?’ I haven’t eaten anything. ‘What brand are you wearing?’ This? It’s just Uniqlo. ‘What books are your fave?’ That’s my little secret. ‘Where do you like to get away?’ That one too, sorry!"2

Her answers were infuriatingly vague and I couldn't figure out the dividing line between questions she answered and questions she brushed off. Is it really that hard to tell your fans what your favourite book is?

She'd been the secretive sort right from the start, come to think of it. No matter what you asked, she'd find a way to flee. Maybe that was what made her so effortlessly charismatic in the fans' eyes - a mysterious charm that left you eager to find out more.

"‘Any food you hate?’"

That seemed to throw her off a bit. Ai let out a thoughtful hum, her gaze drifting upward and away from the camera. It didn't return even when she continued.

"Nothing in particular, but white rice isn't really my thing."

Inside, I immediately fired back, "Liar."

During B-Komachi's location shoots, when we were handed those pre-packed bento boxes, Ai was the only one who ever polished the whole thing off  – and then she'd swoop in for everyone else's leftovers so she could take them home too. I'd lost count of how many times I'd seen her scarfing down white rice.

But I understood her game. An off-beat answer like that was bound to catch the viewers' attention and cement her character in their minds.

"It's not that it tastes bad or anything, it's just like... so rice is soft, right? And if you bite into it expecting that and instead there's something gritty or crunchy like sand, doesn't it really throw you off?"

I can't say I've ever gotten sand in my rice but I could see where she was coming from. There isn't a person on this Earth who wouldn't understand the dread of crunching down on something gritty when you were expecting a soft bite.

"It's like, you know, what if you took a bite and suddenly there's glass or something in there? Ouch, that'd hurt, right? So, it's not really about liking it or not liking it, it's more like... a bit of fear? Yeah, that's it... I'm not really into it because it kind of freaks me out. But if someone serves it, I can eat it. I just have to mentally brace myself, you know?"

She was smiling nonchalantly as she said all this - the exact same smile she always wore. However nice it might look, I couldn't see a single hint of real feeling in it. Not then and not now.

"'Any plans on getting married someday?' Um, probably not?"

This time, her answer was immediate.

"I don't really get it, to be honest. I can't picture myself getting married. I mean, you guys might be like 'Ai, let's tie the knot,' but how serious would you be, you know? I mean, if you love someone, I get wanting to be with them, but what's marriage all about? Is it just like a way to show your love? Is it about being together all the time? Or is it about being together forever, maybe? I guess if it's something like that, I can kinda wrap my head around it."

Her expression was a little more open than I was used to seeing it. Her confusion seemed genuine, as did the way she was visibly trying to connect the dots.

"I guess I've kinda started to get that feeling recently, you know, wanting to be with someone forever. But it's a pretty recent thing."

A chill passed over me. Like the long buried instincts of my idol self had caught the telltale scent of a scandal.

"I've got a relative with babies that are just too darn cute. I wish I could be around them all the time."

I could easily picture the comment section breathing a collective sigh of relief. Hardly any aspects of Ai's personal life had ever seen the light of day, especially when it came to her romantic involvements. Plus, this was an archive from the past, so the odds of any shocking revelations were about as slim as they come.

But, despite being well aware of all this, a swirl of complex emotions washed over me as I heard her response.

"'What kind of guys are you into?' Hmm, that's a tricky one. Wouldn't it be a downer if you found out you weren't my type? ...Well, if you're really curious..."

By the looks of things, that day's topic had ended up being Ai's opinions on love and romance - and despite myself, I was hooked. I fumbled a little with the volume on my headphones and turned it up.

"I guess I'd like to be with someone who doesn't lose their cool with me when I mess things up, ‘cause that happens a lot! Someone who gets all worked up over every little thing would probably get tired of me pretty quick. It’d be unfair for them, so I'd rather be with someone who's not like that."

I was no stranger to Ai’s laundry list of blunders. She was one of those people who hadn’t quite fit into everyday life, or to put it differently, she had never been given the tools to do so.

Developmental disabilities3 aren't at all rare among idols and Ai was a prime example.

Ai had a habit of not using people's names and on the rare occasions that she did, she usually got them wrong anyway. I distinctly remember a time when she had mistakenly called President Saitou by the wrong name and earned herself a scolding.

One of the members of B-Komachi, a girl who was always engrossed in video games and typically had a portable console at her fingertips, had once made a snarky remark. She suggested that Ai probably couldn't distinguish people from each other because everyone must have seemed rather unremarkable to her. It was as if, in her eyes, she was the hero of an RPG and all other humans were just generic NPCs. Instead of encountering distinct individuals, she only saw Villagers A and B chatting away whenever anyone tried to interact with her.

It had been a snide little quip, but it had rung so true that it had remained in my memory to this very day.

"Love is all about trust, isn't it? They call it... recipricity4, I think? Like, if someone showed me they love me, I'd feel the same way about them. But, I'm a bit of a scaredy-cat. It's tough for me to really believe in words like 'love' and 'like.' I've never actually fallen in love with someone before, so I'm not even sure what it means, you know?"

People evaluate others based on their own understanding of the world. Someone who lacks an understanding of love might struggle to believe it when others express their affection, just as a habitual cheater is more inclined to suspect their partner of being unfaithful. It’s one of those things you grow into understanding as an adult.

"This feels kinda weird. I'm not really good at opening up about myself. I hope I'm not freaking anyone out with all this stuff. I don't want anyone to hate me. But it's not like I don't want to talk about myself, even though it might sound a bit contradictory. I want people to know. I want them to know about the dirty parts, my rough edges, and all the rest, and I want them to say that it’s okay. That they accept me."

For the first time in my life... I felt as though I'd heard Ai's true feelings.

It was almost like reading a diary. Sure, on the surface, it seemed like Ai was having a conversation with the comments, but deep down, it was as if she was talking to herself.

Now, it all came back to me. I had done something similar back in the day. I'd use the comments as a starting point, but I'd often end up just sharing my thoughts. On slow days where I had to make up for a lack of comments, I'd inevitably find myself talking about whatever was on my mind. Sometimes, when the comments got really busy and took me away from what I really wanted to discuss, I'd feel strangely disappointed about having to change the topic.

Of course, at the end of the day, the main goal was always to connect with the audience on the stream, even if it meant saying things that didn't entirely match my true thoughts or feelings just to boost engagement. But there were times when you didn't want to pretend, especially when it came to your own sense of self.

"Come to think of it, I–"

That was where the video ended.

There was a "1" in the title, so I assumed there must have been a second half of the video but when I made my way to the uploader's page, there was nothing. Had it been deleted? Or was it just never posted in the first place?

A feeling of anticlimax nagged at me and so I pulled up a search engine. Maybe by following B-Komachi's footprints, I would be able to find Ai.

Of course, I'd already seen most of the B-Komachi videos that were still floating around the web and the Ai in all of them was wearing the same mask she always did for TV.

But now that I think of it…

Back in the early days when B-Komachi was just starting out and we were all getting along swimmingly, we had chatted among ourselves about setting up a shared blog account. Four kids, gathered at a fast-food joint across from a train station, filled with innocent dreams of the bright future awaiting us.

It was eventually decided that only the official account created by the management would be operated and the account was abandoned. But I was sure that Ai had written a few entries there while it was still running.

I made my way to the login screen.

I knew that the email address I'd used had been my side account but I couldn't remember exactly what order the password went in.

Was it 1 first or 55?

It took a few tries but eventually I had it.

45510.

Takamine, Nino, Ai, Watanabe. The names of the four founding members of B-Komachi, as you’d type them on a phone keyboard.

7 posts. Just 328 views. The latest entry was an announcement of our move to more official channels. It was so old and obscure that even our long-term fans probably hadn't heard about it.

Which was a relief, given the terrible choice in blog host we'd gone with. A cutesy avatar accompanied each entry, making the words of our younger selves look appropriately juvenile.

The whole thing was so cringy I could barely stand it and the actual content of the articles wasn’t much better.

It was clear that none of it had been reviewed by the management. Everything from the self introductions to the pages of fangirling about favourite celebrities were liberally sprinkled with emojis. It was the kind of content that only brats devoid of professionalism could bring themselves to post

I groaned out loud in sheer embarrassment and as quickly as I could I made my way over to the entry management page to wipe this thing off the face of the net.

But before I could, I noticed there was one single entry that had been made private.

It was tagged with the author's name. Ai.

So I opened the preview screen to see what she had written.

"To Takamine, Nino-chan, and Watanabe5,

Wow, this old page sure brings back memories, doesn't it? I was surprised to find it still hanging around, too. We were such good friends back in the day...

Things are pretty stiff in B-Komachi these days, huh? I know it's mostly my fault, but…

I feel really awful about it, and I take responsibility for it. I'm being honest with you. I get that it might be hard to believe, but…

I've always wanted to be friends with everyone. It took me a while to say it, but these are my true feelings.

I know you guys don’t like me, but I’ve never once hated any of you.

If it were possible, I'd like things to go back to how they used to be. Instead of feeling scared and holding back, feel free to tease me or scold me as much as you want.

Say whatever you need to say.

Maybe you're here reading this blog because you also feel that way. If that's the case, will you tell me the next time you see me?

Say something like "Ai, you dumbass."

And I'll say "sorry for being such a dummy!"

I really want to patch things up with you.

And then I have something to tell everyone I've been meaning to tell you for a long time. I want to have a proper talk with you all about—"

I hit the back button and returned to the menu before I could read the rest of it.

And then I deleted Ai's entry. Permanently, so nobody would ever read it again.

That wasn’t right. That wasn’t "Ai".

"Ai" clung to no one. She was uninhibited, untamed, independent and strong. She was invincible and irreplaceable and harbored no regrets.

Ai was nothing like this clingy girl writing mopey messages to her friends.

She wasn't like that. This is not Ai.

This is not my Ai.

I don't need to know which Ai is the real one. And I don't need to find the rest of that video. I remember now. I'd already seen it before.

I'd watched all of Ai's streams, after all.

Thinking back, there was only one time Ai had ever shown any weakness on camera. It was this episode. The talk of glass and white rice. And the story it had led to, of Ai's mother hiding shards of broken glass in her rice. And as she’d told it, Ai looked weaker than I had ever seen her, before or since.

I couldn't help but wonder if the person who shared this video was just like me. Someone who cherished the idol in our hearts and minds. Someone who couldn't bear to acknowledge her vulnerability.

So, we erased it. Swept it away into the abyss, forever beyond our grasp. Some things were just destined not to be saved.

Just like the blog. I deleted that too. Perhaps that entry had been Ai's only cry for help, but now it would never be heard again.

I powered off my computer and stared at my reflection in the darkened screen.

The woman gazing back at me from the monitor was a true devotee of the idol ‘Ai’.

She was an unwavering believer.

TL Notes

1.  Like Viewpoint B, the 45510 narrator is unnamed and never identifies herself - she simply refers to herself as 「私」(watashi, occasionally wrapped in quote brackets) in Japanese. Based on additional information later provided by the manga, it’s highly likely that she is Nino.

2.  If these lines and a few others ping you as seeming familiar, you’re correct! The first verse of IDOL by YOASOBI (the anime’s first opening song) pulls its lyrics from this exchange in particular and the song in general is largely based on this short story.

3.  "発達障害'' literally ‘developmental disorder/disability’. As in English, this term is used in Japanese to refer to neurodivergencies such as autism, ADHD, Tourette Syndrome and various other learning disabilities.

4.  Not a typo, I promise! Ai says へんぽーせー (henpose) in Japanese here which is her misremembering the phrase 返報性の原理 (henpo-sei no genri), the Japanese term for "the norm of reciprocity". To emulate that, I had her mispronounce ‘reciprocity’.

5.  Interesting note: even in Japanese, ‘Nino’ is only one of the three that Ai refers to with an honorific here.