[The following is a non-profit, fan-based parody.

The Protectors of the Plot Continuum universe was created by Jay and Acacia.

Harry Potter was created by J.K. Rowling.

Monster Musume (Kala and Publica’s home continuum) was written by Okayado, and I am super-hyped for the anime!

The fic, The Sphinx, was written by WereBunny87 on FFNet, who can bloody well keep it.

Valon, Kala and Publica are mine, though Publica was rescued from a badfic.

The briefly-mentioned Rashida belongs to SkarmorySilver, and is used with permission.

The fic is NSFW, by the way.

Betas: SkarmorySilver, Darkotas, SMF, Firemagic

Enjoy!]

Valon took a step back and admired his new Golden Freddy plushie. Besides being strangely adorable, it fit marvelously with RC 211’s haunted house decor.

[ZEEN! ZEEN! ZEEN! ZEEN! ZEEN!]

Kala smashed the acknowledge button. “Gilgamesh’s biceps, I hate this thing.”

“Well, what’s the continuum?”

“Harry Potter. Apparently Harry is now a… creature?”

“How delightfully ambiguous.”

Valon stuffed a few odds and ends into his vest before opening the portal. His partner looked at him curiously. “How… do you fit all that crap into your vest, anyway?”

“The inside’s lined with bags of holding. Let’s get a move on!”

A/N: Some of you might recognize this from my drabbles and if so yay! If not then this is something new! Woohoo! Where as before i made it a part of my drabbles i think with my longer ones i will make them little one shots all their own. Anyways...WARNING: Sex. Male x Male sex at that. Ron/Hermione/Ministry Bashing. Creature!Harry. Enjoy!

Kala looked around the pre-fic void as the Author’s Notes rambled on. “Valon? Where are you?”

“Uh, over here.”

Kala turned and found herself facing an incredibly pale woman. “...uh?”

The woman looked like Valon with a chest, but no sign of a mustache. She had a short ponytail at the base of her skull, Valon’s blue-green eyes, and Valon’s towering height.

The woman grinned; only Valon could grin like that. “Yes, it’s me. I’ve never really had to use the disguise generator myself, and I’ve always been curious. So yeah, I guess I’m Valerie now.”

Kala sighed; only Valon… Valerie would be distracted by errant thoughts of being a girl, while preparing for a mission. “Whatever… anyway, we’ve got someone bashing Ron and Hermione, we’ve got slash, and we’ve got our fake Harry. Charge for all of it?”

“Yyyep.”

The fic started with Harry in chains. He’d been captured while looking for a book, for some reason, and was bemoaning the fact that not even being the Boy who Lived had helped him. He also had cat ears, for some reason.

With a grunt of frustration he tilted his head back and rested it on the cobblestone walls that surrounded his new cage. He couldn't see anything because a magicked cloth had been slipped over his eyes. From what he had read, only one ancient Egyptian creature (and he was certain that he was one. Especially after finding that Lily had been mated to an unknown male that wasn't James Potter) required their eyes to be covered, because said creature compelled the truth from you if they weren't.

A Sphinx. He was a bloody half-Sphinx.

Kala was confused by this, and her genderbent partner was staring blankly. “I’m just going to say this now for future reference: WAT.”

“Uh, sphinxes can totally mate with humans–”

“Not in Harry Potter, they can’t. Sphinxes in this continuum look like… well, Rashida. Somehow I have a hard time seeing her bedding a humanoid.”

Elsewhere in the multiverse, a certain albino sphinx sneezed.

“They’re not like the sphinxes from your world, which are just Egyptian-themed catgirls. Also, we charge for changing Harry’s species. Because seriously. Half-sphinx?”

Kitty!Harry spent the next two paragraphs moaning and groaning about his imprisonment. He was also drugged to make him feel hot and bothered, which set Valerie grumbling. “If I had a dime for every time I’ve seen ‘instant arousal’ drugs in badly-written adult fiction, I could buy Apple. Charge for that cliché.”

Valerie was interrupted by the sound of opening doors and jangling chains as three ill-defined people materialized. Two of them tossed the third on top of Harry, and then walked away.

"Now let's see if it's true if the ancient Sphinx and the Ember Dragon were really such enemies that they would tear each other limb from limb." drawled one of the captors, drawing an astonished gasp from Harry.

He knew that voice.

He'd been sharing a dorm with him for years.

Ronald Weasley.

Kala heard a snap and a quick “Ow!” next to her. When she turned, Valerie’s eye was watering, and only half of her pencil was in her left hand. “Uh… you okay?”

“No, I’m not. It’s frelling Ron the Death Eater, how am I supposed to be okay?” She switched her notepad for the C-CAD as the other figure was defined into Hermione. “Also, there’s no such thing as an ‘Ember Dragon’ in Potterverse lore, so they’re just making up Sue-species.” Valerie pointed her C-CAD at all four of the characters.

[Ron Weasley. Male magical human. Kissed by fire. OOC 97%.]

[Hermione Granger. Female magical human. The bookiest and wormiest of bookworms. OOC 99%.]

[Harry Catter?Potter?Potter. Male humansphinxnekomimiwhat do you want from me!? Gary Stu.]

[(name unrevealed). Male Ember Dragon. Non-canon, Gary Stu. ERMAHGERD DURGON]

Valerie was about to put the device away when Hermione and Ron started talking.

"I hope so. It's so boring that most of these Dark Creatures don't even fight anymore. I mean we put Fenrir and Remus into a cage together and instead of killing each other they curled up like little puppies. It was fun drowning them."

The agents were horrified, but that wasn’t the end of it.

"Well the Minister said that this Ember Dragon was without a mate either way. And supposedly, when they can't find a mate they will rut against anything that moves...so willing or not." there was a definite leer in Ron's voice as it began to grow fainter.

As Harry’s friends walked away, Valerie’s C-CAD suddenly emitted a gigantic burst of smoke. Valerie and Kala were smart enough to duck this time. “Okay, Ron and Hermione frelling drowned Remus Lupin… who gives two halves of an ass about Greyback, though… and also them leaving their best friend to be killed or bleeding raped by a dragon… Now I’m mad.”

Kala grabbed her partner’s shoulder. “Take it easy, uh, Valerie. It’s too early for you to go ballistic! There are still two more chapters, and I can’t finish the mission on my own!”

“Everybody’s either replaced or a Stu, and we have to figure out how to kill four of them! More if this keeps up!”

Kitty!Harry and the Ember Dragon spent a few minutes just leaning on each other. The Stu asked Harry about his friends, gave him some rubs behind the ears, and then pulled the blindfold off of his new cellmate.

He blinked his emerald cat like eyes and tried to take a proper look around him for the first time. The walls of his cage were surprisingly close together, laced with damp mildew that had Harry itching to bring out his Aunt's scrub brush and mop bucket. On the floor, from what he could see, was bits of straw and cloth. A small mat lay in the corner, but it was untouched, as Harry was forced to sleep where they chained him on the other side of the room.

The scene suddenly defined itself as Harry regained his vision; the unexpected appearance of a dungeon sent Valerie and Kala tumbling into each other.

Kala took in the situation for a moment. “Uh… I think the Ironic Overpower’s having a field day with you being a girl now. Aren’t you usually the one with your hands on my chest?”

Valerie leapt off of her partner. Clearly genderbending had given the agent improved blood flow; her face was bright red. “Gack! Why did that hurt? I just got hit in the chest!”

Kala looked curiously at her partner. “Really now?” Clearly, her partner didn’t know that girls were actually pretty sensitive there. She tucked this knowledge away and turned her attention back to the fic.

Finally he spotted the other male that now occupied his cell. His jaw fell slack as he encountered the most handsomely rugged face ever in the history of mankind. Ever. A strong square jaw, framed by dark green hair that closely feathered his face. Eyes that constantly shifted in colour met his own and he shivered with the multitude of feelings they evoked within him.

Valerie dug her notepad and the remains of her pencil from her vest. “Obvious Stu is obvious, nobody in the Potterverse had green freaking hair, nor does anything have bleeding kaleidoscope eyes.”

The dragon revealed that his name was Markus. Apparently, he had heard Harry’s calls for help, and had gotten lost on the way, thus explaining how he had come here.

Valerie twitched. “Harry’s been here for months? There’s a bleeding chargefest going on in my notepad here, as if I needed reminding that we’ve got replacements of Ron and Hermione to kill…”

Kala grabbed her partner again. “Val… I’m just gonna call you that for convenience’s sake, alright?... what in the name of Gilgamesh’s reeking sweat socks is wrong with you? You’re a lot more flustered now, and while you haven’t hit berserk mode yet, you’re still a lot angrier than normal! What’s wrong?”

Valerie stopped gritting her teeth for a moment to think. “Maybe… maybe it’s the disguise? I know that girls react more strongly to emotions than guys do… maybe it’s some kind of whiplash? I mean, I normally shut down my anger and fear and stuff, but I can’t do it now. Either that doesn’t work for girls, or girls have stronger emotions than I’m used to– where’d they go!?”

Markus and Harry had vanished. Kala checked the Words. “Apparently, they went to the dragon’s home. Shall we go?”

Apparently, Markus lived on an island of intelligent dragons, all associated with specific elements. This got Valerie going again. “Okay, dragons in the Potterverse are animals! Big vicious impossible-to-kill animals what spit fire at you, but animals! We can’t stay here; this is house rules country!”

The agents followed Markus and Harry to a big castle. Harry Panther, Super-Sleuth deduced that the Stu lived here.

Who was this guy? The king?

"Not quite, kitten. I'm the prince of this land. My father, the Ebony Knight- an Obsidian Dragon, who made this castle out of the stone his egg was hatched from- is the king here." was the reply, a smile on his rescuer's features.

Harry squeaked again. He was being held by the prince as if he was something special. There was something terribly wrong with that thought. He wiggled to be put down but instead was held tighter.

"Why did you bring me here?"

The Prince, let his eyes shift nervously before he buried his face in the younger male's neck.

"You are my mate."

Valerie went completely red in the face. “Oh… spiky-tailed durgons, I just remembered. This isn’t just a Suefic, it’s a Bad Slash Suefic. What the hell are we supposed to do?”

“Kill ‘em? They’re all Stus or replacements. Regardless, if you don’t want to sit through the slash, I’m not gonna make you do it.”

And so it was that the agents waited awkwardly outside the Stus’ bedroom while Kitty!Harry screamed for more.

Valerie scratched the back of her head, and her blush had not died down. “I honestly don’t know what I was expecting from being a girl. Excessive emotions were not on the list of options, though. I suppose at least there’s no effect on my sexuality; I didn’t find Harry attractive.”

Kala turned to her partner. “You’re still mentally male, so I don’t think that genderbending would affect how you think that much. Anyway, is it just me, or is this sex scene rather… blah?”

“I wouldn’t know, I’m not interested in guy-on-guy.” Valerie pulled a can of soda from her vest and started to drink.

Sated and breathing hard, the elder pulled out of his little mate and curled around the panting form, aware that his kitten's thoughts were centered on sleep and contentment. Tomorrow he would have to show Harry to his father, but he was certain the older dragon would approve. And he knew Harry would love it here. Especially when he told the little sphinx that his kind were able to bear dragon chicks.

Kala got out of the way just in time; she narrowly avoided being sprayed by a mist of lemon-lime soda. Valerie was coughing and sputtering. “Ffft, pfeh! Frelling, ptooh, WHAT!?”

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s bleeding MPREG is what’s wrong! We don’t have a debugger, how are we going to get the Stus without killing the kid?”

The disguised girtablilu shrugged and got out her RA. “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Anyway, let’s skip past the author’s note; it’s really long.”

—————

The second chapter unfolded quite oddly, with Kitty!Harry being made a part of the Royal Family of Speshul Durgons. It described the dragons in overly flowery terms, before suddenly moving Harry to his and Markus’ room with his bodyguard.

"Right. Trystan. Um. Why are you here? Where is Markus? Is everyone ok?" Inquired the sphinx, worry etched in his emerald orbs.

Trystan's eyes widened minutely and he stepped forward to put a reassuring...well...hand didn't quite describe the massive appendage that was rested on his shoulders but...paw wasn't good enough either.

Harry stared into the golden eyes and tried to quell his fear. He didn't need this right now...not with...

"Worry not, young consort. The King and all the Princes just wished for extra protection for you so close to your due date. " was the hurried explanation causing Harry to sag in relief.

Valerie clapped a hand to her mouth. “Ulp… yyyep, MPreg. That should be enough of a charge to end this right here: impregnating Harry the Amazing All-Seeing Kitty.”

After a moment, she realized what she had just said and turned to Kala. The two were grateful to have a moment where they could just burst out laughing at something silly.

Alas, the cheer was not to last, as Kitty!Harry started getting contractions. Valerie went wide-eyed. “Oh, hraka, childbirth of any kind is NOT my beat, what do I do, what, what, wha–”

She was floored when Kala slapped the back of her head. “Get ahold of yourself! The baby will probably be born without a problem, it’s a Sue-baby. We can nab it later.”

Valerie rubbed her nose to make sure it wasn’t broken. “Okay, fine. But we’re not adopting it.”

One twenty-four-hour timeskip later, the baby was born without a hitch.

Little Xan was born, his already deep blue eyes staring widely at his surroundings. Harry held the little one close, smiling happily at the fact his little cub was born. And when he looked into his mate's eyes he teared up even more. Markus looked so proud.

Markus leaned forward and placed his forehead against Harry's as she stroked his son's head lovingly. He loved them both so much...and he knew the same love flowed through his mates veins.

Valerie drew her own Remote Activator from the recesses of her vest. “Right, one more chapter, and we can burn this all to the ground. Dance, fire, dance for me…”

—————

Markus let out a roar of pure rage as he ran down the path that took him from his home. How could she?! He would rip her. Tear her to shreds! No one came after what was his and lived to tell the tale. His eyes began shifting colors rapidly in his anger, never staying on one color long before flipping to another. Dark green hair trailed back from his face as he picked up speed before morphing mid-stride into his dragon form and launching into the air.

Valerie stared after the transforming dragon. “Methinks someone could give Edward Cullen lessons on being hyper-possessive.”

Apparently, Kitty!Harry and the baby had been kidnapped by, of all people, Ginny. Who was still evil.

“Alright, friggin’ hell, let me just read the Words.” Valerie’s eyes glazed over. “... yeah, I’m sick of this, Markus just goes to Fred and George to arm himself. Howzabout we get this show on the road?”

Kala retrieved the DORKS, currently in the shape of an antique calculator. In a moment, she was in her natural form. “Gladly.”

When they reached the Hogwarts dungeons, Kitty!Harry was separated from his child and held captive by Ron, Hermione, Ginny, and Dumbledore. Psycho!Ginny was attempting to seduce him, with the help of an ineffective love potion. Eventually, she reached the brilliant conclusion that they’d have to make Harry human again.

Then chaos happened. Psycho!Ginny blew up (“One less replacement we have to kill, I guess”), Markus showed up, and Dumbledore Disapparated.

Valerie pulled two wine bottles from her vest. “We move now! Kala, get the kid!”

Eight legs and half a life of hunting paid off. Kala sped past the fighting Sues, retrieved the child from his cell, and vanished into the darkness.

Before the Sues could react, Valerie leapt out and brandished the bottles; both now had burning rags dangling from their mouths. “Ron, Hermione, Harry, and Markus! You are all charged by the Protectors of the Plot Continuum with being Gary Stus and a Mary Sue, with replacing the canonical characters of Harry, Ron and Hermione, with making Harry half-sphinx, with making him a complete uke, with having intelligent dragons in a world where dragons are basically animals, with implying that sphinxes can breed with humans in the Potterverse, with being super-speshul and making Harry gay, with impregnating the Amazing All-Seeing Kitty, with having a super-bland sex scene, with completely mucking up the canonical biology of Harry Potter, and with disgusting my partner and me, you are all sentenced to burn!”

With that, the maniacally grinning agent threw the Molotov cocktails.

The sound of three burning replacements was satisfying, but one voice was missing. Valerie barely had time to register that something was wrong when she found herself slammed into a wall by the throat.

Markus looked infuriated. “You killed my kitten… You stole my son… I’m going to rip you apart, you little bint!”

Valerie tried to pry the Stu’s claws from her throat, but she wasn’t strong enough to break free. I guess this is how I die, huh? Not even in my own body… The grip on her neck was just getting tighter, and her vision was shrinking to just the Stu’s kaleidoscope eyes...

“GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY PARTNER!”

All at once, the pressure on her throat was gone, and she could see and move again. Valerie took a few gasping breaths, and then looked down the corridor. Kala had charged Markus, and even he wasn’t strong enough to shift four hundred pounds of enraged scorpion from his chest. The furious girtablilu’s clothes and hair were smoking from her mad dash through the fire.

“You are additionally charged with trying to murder my fucking partner.” Kala Jeng grinned psychotically. “I don’t get to cut loose often enough in this job. How about you be my rage outlet?”

Valerie looked away; it was bad enough what she’d done to that Jinx replacement on a previous mission. She didn’t need to see her partner rending the Stu limb from bloody limb, screaming all the while.

After a full minute, the savagery ended. Valerie turned back toward her partner.

Kala’s arms and pedipalps were completely covered in glitter, and more had painted the floor, walls and ceiling of the dungeon. As she scuttled back, it became obvious that Markus’s upper body looked more like it had been run through a wood chipper than two hands and two pincers.

She turned back to Valerie. “Val? You okay?”

Then the enormity of what she had just avoided hit the human agent. Valerie collapsed.

Kala scuttled over and caught her before she hit the ground. “Val?”

“I thought… I thought I was… I was gonna die…” Valerie clung to her partner, and Kala could feel her shaking.

The girtablilu dug out her RA and opened a portal to FicPsych. “Look, Valon… get to FicPsych, alright? I know you were scared. If I hadn’t come back to check on you, I might have lost you! I was scared too, alright? I didn’t want to lose my partner!”

Valerie nodded dumbly and shambled through the portal, transforming back into Valon the moment s/he passed through.

Publica Kurusu was enjoying the company of a few agents’ children when she heard a knock at the Nursery door. “Hm? Who could that be?”

She shooed the little ones away and walked over to the door. When it opened, a huge grin spread across her face. “Well, hi there, Kala! Fancy seeing you here! I was starting to think you’d forgotten about me.”

In spite of everything that had happened that day, Kala found herself smiling. “Hello again, Mrs. Kurusu. It’s nice to see you actually have an appearance now!”

Indeed, Publica had looked rather generic when she had been rescued. Now she resembled an older, female version of Kimihito Kurusu, complete with spiky black hair and blank white eyes. “Who’s that little one in your arms, there? Don’t tell me that your partner got you pregnant that quickly!”

Kala blushed furiously. “No, no, nothing like that! We rescued this guy from a Harry Potter badfic; he’s an MPreg baby. His name was Xan originally, but he needs a new name. One of his parents was half-sphinx, and the other was a dragon, if that helps.”

Publica raised a hand to her chin thoughtfully. ”Hmm… how about Leyuu? It’s the Latin word for ‘lion’ mixed with the Japanese word for ‘dragon.’ Are you going to adopt him?”

“The name sounds nice, but no. Valon doesn’t want children. You can have him if you want.”

Publica smiled and took the baby from Kala’s arms. “Thank you so much! Where is your partner, anyway?”

“He’s in FicPsych after our last mission. I really have to go see him, and make sure he’s not traumatized or anything.”

“Oh, dear. Well, tell him I said thank you for the new family member!”

Publica found herself talking to thin air; Kala had already scurried off down the corridor.

—————

Valon was alone in his room in FicPsych. The unfortunate agent still hadn’t seen a nurse or doctor yet, and he was curled into a tight ball, rocking back and forth.

Why am I alive? By all rights I should have died. Why did Kala save me? I’m just the dude she works with. Why couldn’t I do anything? Why was I so scared? Am I a coward? Am I worth all of this effort? Why–

Valon’s thoughts were interrupted as the door opened. He’d been expecting a nurse; he had not been expecting Kala Jeng, with all eight of RC 211’s minis hitching a ride on her back. “Kala? What–”

He didn’t get a chance to say more, as he was immediately swamped by Kala and the minis. The minis were worrying at his feet, his hands, anything they could reach, and Kala had wrapped him up in her arms. “Please, please, please tell me you’re okay! I don’t want to face any of these things alone!”

Valon hesitantly returned the hug, quite an accomplishment with the mini-Bonnie and mini-Suu currently hanging from his arms. “I haven’t even seen a doctor yet… But I do feel better with you guys here.”

The populace of the RC of Terror remained exactly where it was until Doctor Freedenberg arrived.

[Voyd’s Notes: Uh… yep. That fic happened. Valon almost died, Kala went berserk.

Also, remember Publica? I needed an excuse to bring her back, and having a Nursery worker adopt a rescue baby seemed like a good fit.]