THE AUTHOR’S AUTOPSY

        _____________________

        A Short Play

        by

        Stacey Lane

© 2012

For performance rights, please contact StaceyLaneInk@yahoo.com.        

Cast of Characters

Dr. Owens:                                 Chief forensic pathologist

Dr. Shifflet:                                Resident

Scene

The autopsy suite of a morgue.

Time

The present.

SETTING:        An examination table at a morgue.

AT RISE:        DR. OWENS and DR. SHIFFLET stand over a corpse, tools at the ready.         

DR. OWENS

If you need to vomit in this bucket, I won’t think less of you.

DR. SHIFFLET

This may be my first autopsy, Doctor, but I assure you I come highly trained.

DR. OWENS

Nothing you read in books can prepare you for this. Shall we begin with the standard Y incision of the cavity or the coronal incision of the scalp?

DR. SHIFFLET

The brain, if you don’t mind.

DR. OWENS

Do the honors.

        (DR. SHIFFLET makes the incision

        to the head.)

        DR. SHIFFLET

Hmmmm. Uh…

DR. OWENS

This man was an artist, an author.

DR. SHIFFLET

Awh, that accounts for the abnormalities.

DR. OWENS

Begin your examination.

        (DR. SHIFFLET pulls out a small

        yellow note.)

        DR. OWENS

What did you find?

        DR. SHIFFLET

Some sappy sentiments about a sunset.

        DR. OWENS

Pass me the puke pail.

        DR. SHIFFLET

Pardon?

        DR. OWENS

My apologies. But when you’ve seen as many of these as I have…

        (DR. OWENS pulls out hundreds

        upon hundreds of notes. DR.

        SHIFFLET follows suit.)

        DR. OWENS

Plotlines, premises, possible titles, possible pen names, character descriptions, witty observations about life, rants on religion, questioning of political ideals, unresolved father issues, inkling of genius, overheard conversations at restaurants, clever sayings stolen from friends-

        DR. SHIFFLET

        (Studying a note.)

Hmmmm…

                DR. OWENS

Discover something noteworthy?

                DR. SHIFFLET

An idea for a novel.

                DR. OWENS

Yes, yes. There are plenty of those in here.

        DR. SHIFFLET

But this one’s not bad. I mean I’d read that book.

        DR. OWENS

Yes. Well, you’ll never get the chance now.

        (DR. OWENS measures the notes

        on a scale and writes on the chart.)

For this much material, the volume of work is surprisingly low.

        DR. SHIFFLET

So that’s what killed him then. All those jumbled thoughts wrapped in angst and discontent crashing against each other in a quest for ultimately unattainable fulfillment.

        DR. OWENS

No. No. That’s the norm for these creative types. When there’s nothing up there, that’s when there’s cause for concern. Shall we move on to the standard Y incision?

        DR. SHIFFLET

Yes, Doctor.

        (DR. SHIFFLET makes the incision

        to the body.)

        DR. OWENS

My! My! I’ve never seen bowel blockage of this magnitude.

        (Pulling out gobs and gobs of crumpled

        up notebook paper and typed pages.)

Discarded drafts, abandoned books, neglected novels, rejected rewrites…

        DR. SHIFFLET

What a waste!

        DR. OWENS

Aha. There it is. The cause of death.

        (Pulls out a nicely bound book.)

DR. SHIFFLET

        (Reading title.)

“My Magnum Opus”. 

DR. OWENS

It was pressing on his heart.

        DR. SHIFFLET

        (Opening book.)

It’s blank.

                (BLACKOUT)

                        (END OF PLAY)