I didn't want to be using anybody as a middleman this past week, but I have no choice because I'm not in the chat. Perhaps it's  best I just not use skype at all until everything resolves itself... Is what I thought as I started to talk to QB after deeaych stated she lost all respect for me for the second time.

It's clear no matter how much I try any action I take just creates more problems

Even if I was added back to the main chat and we all made up, even if I am making an effort to change, which I am, what won't change is that I create problems, unintentionally or intentionally

Perhaps I SHOULD leave.

I fucking hate myself for causing so much problems. A lot of you might think of my as a tornado or wild animal that causes problems and wrecks everything in it's path with no care except for it's goal, but that's not true, at least not anymore.

Even after I realized how much of a cur I was on the project and tried to change, it's still gotten worse. I indeed cause problems wherever I go, but I am just as much a victim as those who experience those problems.

And now that I think about it, what deeaych said is true, to an extent. I may not be intentionally manipulative, and  I may not have caused interpersonal drama when I was a part of the chat so much as arguments, but once I was removed, it's been nothing but gophering, and me misunderstanding things, and making bad choices

I left /hg/ because I was being lied to to be kept out, but I was being kept out and lied to in order to prevent me from creating drama.  I only get that now. Of course, once i realized this, that drama was created. It's a bit like the people in thread who make a big deal over something they don't' actually care about in order to prevent it from making a shitstorm, but then that itself creates a shitstorm.

I'm learning from my mistakes, but I'm making mistakes at too fast a pace in order to right myself. For every step I take forward towards being a helpful person I end up stepping on two people's feet.

I think if I do end up staying, I'm going to have to be 100% transparent and clear with everything I do and what I am trying to accomplish.  I'm going to have to be super fucking clear about why I do things, to prevent misunderstandings. But that will be annoying. If I stay out of the main chat, but still help, then this drama and misunderstandings will continue to occur. If I rejoin, even if I do change, there's no guarantee I still won't cause problems, I don't have a good track record (That said, there's never been a problem in the mapchat).

 I'm socially retarded, I knew this before, but the depth of what that means is only now hitting me. This is the second time I've cried over all of this. And I don't want this to be interpreted the wrong way (I have no "affection" for anybody in this project, this is purely based on respect)  but just like last time, it's after deeaych tore me a new one. Her words sting more than anybody else's. I think I even said this in skype on the first day she joined the main chat: That I was taking a liking to her quickly. She always responds logically and rationally and listens to people So I guess for her to totally explode means something is really wrong.

I think after I made my initial declaration, QB made a comment that he'll "give me a week before I fuck up again". He was right. One week later, Kirn made a comment in thread that I thought meant something was being hidden from the thread. In my attempt to deal with it without making a shitstorm, I messaged kirn to ask about it, telling him I don't want to shit up the thread. But I got no response. So I talked to numbers. He told me not to worry about it, and give him some time to respond. But I was impatient and asked in thread for kirn to check his IMs, and he posted our skype logs in thread, totally defeating the purpose of me approaching him via skype in the first place.

I then talked to numbers again, and again I misunderstood something, and I thought HE was hiding something. Eventually that got cleared up and I moved on, but still upset I fucked up. I then amended my declaration to include me acting out of paranoia or acting without getting all the details. The next day, I was talking to sketcher about something, and that event came up. She said something, and once again, I misunderstood her, and I accused HER, and then everybody of hiding stuff and not doing their job as surveyors. Once again, eventually I calmed down, and realized I misunderstood. That is 1 strike. It was either that day or the next day I got tired of QB acting like a cunt. I'm not going to hold myself back here: he was acting like a cunt, and he admitted it. Even though I was trying to move on and improve myself and help the project, we was sticking his fingers in his ears demanding I leave, and playing with my emotions to try to get me to do so. It got so bad that I got very close to giving in, realizing that he wouldn't stop until he was made to or I gave in.

In what I thought was an amazing stroke of luck, a miracle, or pawter and moose being amazing at interpersonal skills, pawter talked to QB and got him to apologize to me, and we made up. I thought things were finally improving.

And then that night the majora survey was made in thread, after the shitposter who was playing off of QB's epic "majora needs to leave" meme (I am aware there are people who want me to leave entirely, but it was clear this was shitposting a la bara and shell smash" said he knew about the survey that was done over skype. I thought nothing of the majora survey in thread until I noticed it was on our account. I went to QB, and told him, and then he told me he was going to say the same thing, and I think he used the words "those surveys", in reference to the owl/pengliff/gigaard survey that was also made by a shitposter, presumbly. So I immediately assumed that somebody got access to the SM, and in a split second decision in order to prevent surveys from being deleted, or edited, or from clash's info from being stolen, I changed the password. The only person I told initially was QB. I asked him not to tell anybody, initially because I didn't want the person to know they were locked out, but then because I was worried you all would think I acted out of line, and I did: Because I didn't tell clash right away.

I never asked clash. Admittedly, I had a good reason: He takes a while to respond to my IMs. But I didn't even NOTIFY him until I went to go give him the new password, by at which point he already changed it himself. I told him not to tell anybody what I did. This was a huge mistake and flaw on my part. I always pride myself and request everybody is brutally honest with me, but in that moment I broke my own rules.

So, after 1 week of doing well, I fucked it all up again.  I started this drama train, unitentionally, but I started it. I could argue kirn did by making a joke, but I am the outlier: Everybody else understood it was a joke, it was on me that I took it seriously and overreacted. So, now I am at 2 strikes. It might not matter, I think I might leave on my own accord. I don't know what I should do.

Contrary to what deeaych says, I really did try to change. And I think i did good on my initial promise of causing less arguments, but I still fucked up with time management, and then with trust and communication.  So despite my best efforts, I am starting to think I can't change.

Ive always been pretty comfortable with who I am, and my faults. I've always been of the opinion that my personality, the aspergers, the OCD, etc, the combination of it all, was a blessing and not a curse. I thought other people were beneath me, and were hield back by their desire for socialization, and etiquette, and social norms, by smalltalk, etc.

"Why does it matter what clothes I wear, it doesn't affect who I am"

"Why should I bother, it doesn't effect anything!"

I realize by this point this is starting to sound overly dramatic , almost like an anime, but I very honestly felt, and I think it would be dishonest for me to say I don't still feel, that I wasn't mentally human and I was above human, mentally. I felt like I was unshackled by the things others were. I'm sure you've seen the XCKD comic of the stick figure on the bus, thinking he's the only person among a world of sheep, with everybody else thinking the same thing. Yes, I was aware that my feelings were probably not unique, but I still felt that way. I have been acutely aware that because of this I am egotistical, but perhaps because of that in combination with my personality, I strive to be objective. Anyways...

Now instead of feeling like I am above everybody else, I feel like I am below them. In the legend of the monkey king, there's a part where, the monkey king (sun-wukong, or son goku), who is a shapeshifter, proclaims himself the supreme deity of all of creation, after outsmarting the gods, making himself immortal, and so on. And perhaps rightfully so, that proclamation was, in his eyes. But the buddha approaches him, and challenges him to jump across a canyon or something of that nature. So, he boasts, and leaps. And he leaps so far, he exits the planet, beyond the stars, out of the universe itself, into whatever the cosmological structure of that myth is from is. But when he lands, he finds himself in a vast desert. That desert, that incredible, universe defying leap he made, was merely from one wavy line of the buddha's fingerprint to another.

 I feel like sun-wukong. I have been disillusioned into thinking I am great and mighty, precisely because I am not. A goldish in a fishbowl thinks it is the center of the universe, as does the child that owns it, as do the parents, etc. I've always liked that one line in the phantom menace, where qui-gon jiin, anakin, and obi-wan escape from damn near every predatory aquatic animal on naboo, and one of them says "There is always a bigger fish". I've previously thought I understood that statement and respected it, but I can now say I understand it a bit more: In that I realize I understand it less than I thought I did. The expert thinks himself a novice, the novice thinks themselves the expert, yet I am still no expert.

All of that said, I don't know what I should do from here. I love this project with all my heart, and I see the pain and problems I am causing it. But I also don't want to let it go on without me, or rather, I don't want to let myself go on without it. I don't know if I should just take a break for a few days (but then what of plot? As it is deeaych is now done with me, as is EJ), try to learn from this mistake (But I did that last time, and fucked up again), or leave willingly. And I don't know if I can take a break: As I said, I am a bit like an on off switch: I can either fully commit myself, or have no interest, it is unfathomably hard for me to go in between.

And I don't know what I would do I were to leave. I've been with this project for over 7 months now. I joined when I was still volunteering at places, keeping myself busy. But I stopped that because my life is a bit of a wreck, and I couldn't commit to it anymore. I joined the skype once I left /hg/, in order to fill the void left from that skype chat. If I leave now, I don't know what I will do with myself. I don't know if I CAN leave. I'd always be wondering what is going on, if I made the right choice, if you all were indeed better or worse off without me. I wouldn't be able to just pop in every once in a while, again, the whole on off switch thing.

As I said, I am at 2 strikes right now. The sword is at my neck. For many of you, you probably have already mentally decapciated me.

I previously asked all of you to IM me how you felt about what I did, and I messaged some of you and asked myself when nobody did that. I am now asking again. It's clear that my own thoughts and decision making processes when it comes to interpersonal affairs SUCK FUCKING ASS. So I am asking all of you now:

What should I do? What am I able to do, what will you allow me to do? What were my mistakes, what did I do right but fell apart due to circumstance?

What should we ALL do now?