JUST WHO ARE THE MEMBERS OF SATIRE CLASS?

Mr. Svab

Mr. Svab was a blindingly handsome man of minimal attractiveness. He was one of the funniest people on campus whose students never laughed at his jokes. His desire to lose weight was only tempered by his ability to eat 27 Krispy Kreme icing-filled, chocolate-covered glazed doughnuts in one sitting. He was always trying to get healthier by playing tennis with Dr. Thornton, whom he idolized. Dr. Thornton despised Mr. Svab’s idolatry, and Mr. Svab hated him for it. Mr. Svab’s resemblance to Tom Hanks was confounding to the students, 47% of whom thought he was Tom Hanks, and 13% percent of whom had never heard of Tom Hanks. He was a pessimistic, misanthropic, emotional shell of a man who strongly believed in the possibilities of humanity and the humble glory of teaching the nation’s youth. His ability to teach English was improved by his complete misunderstanding of basic grammar rules and where, to place a, comma. He was, in short, a confused, exhausted, corpulent, gloomy, distrustful, cynical, glass-half-empty teacher of unknown Communist origin who swore allegiance only to himself. He was the most visible of teachers on campus, since most students had no idea who he was.

Morgan Gutenberger

Morgan Gutenberger is one of the most reliable people. You can always rely on her to not be there when you need her. She is one of the loudest unheard people. You will find her yelling yet no one around her can hear her, or wants to. It is a true mystery why no one wants to listen to her. Morgan has the laugh and voice that's only rival to its utmost beauty is Janice from Friends. She is the most organized unorganized person. Her room has been so perfectly organized that you can not even see the floor on a good day. ADD never inhibited her work. Have you ever wondered why we call it an eggplant? I mean it doesn’t come from us planting eggs.

Cristina Muncy

Cristina is the tallest height-challenged person in her school. Because of her height, she is often underestimated and hates it, but likes to surprise people with her graceful unathleticism. She runs like a gazelle and has failed at basketball, tennis, lacrosse, track, soccer, gymnastics, and field hockey. She tends to trip over her own two feet and has never broken a bone. In her free time she hates playing piano, which she has done for 12 years, and likes to deftly knit her entangled ball of yarn she calls a scarf. Reading has always been a hobby of hers and she tends to read about one book every 2.7 years. She loves to sing for anyone who will listen, but only sings when she is home alone. Her artistic ability clearly shows in all her artwork from the 0 art classes she has taken in high school. Cristina would love to spend all day watching Netflix in a dark room and will go crazy if she doesn’t go outside and exercise at least once a day. When she gets older, she would love to travel to the countries she hasn’t seen (which consist of 196/197 countries in the world).

Mary Ottley

Mary Ottley is the greatest DJ of all time who is always never pleasing a single crowd with her music selections. She has yet to be sighted without the greatest boombox of all time known as the Big Blue Party, weighing in at close to 10kgs, calculating the perfect volume, and causing dance fiestas to break out at any moment. Music constantly is playing from the BBP at the right place, wrong time, and often pleasantly too loud or too silent to be heard. Because she spins every bit of free time she obtains, during the classes, her ability to be one beat ahead of the instructor causes wonderful confusion and envy to riders in every direction. At tennis, her undefeated record is due to her frightful form that no one on the team can seem to mirror correctly. Her weaknesses are many and her strengths are few and far between causing panic and dismay to all of her opponents forcing them to force unforced errors left and right (on both sides of the court). Some would say the Paleo life she lives is the reason for her great success. No one understands the demanding question of “Should I eat this piece of bread?” like she does. She claims that she will eat it if she wants it but if she does not, she will not. If one will ask how she does this, her answer is deeper than the James River before the storm. Paleo is a lifestyle. That is all.

Carson Pinney

Carson Pinney is a mysterious girl who lacks spontaneity, secrecy, and pizzazz. She is often blunt about most of her opinions, refraining from honesty as much as she can. Her mind is confusing, weird, and hard for others to understand. She is the least creative human being among her classmates, follows the status quo, and hates unoriginality. She can juggle almost anything without mass, and often looks to coffee to help her insomnia when she gets nervous for something. Her mom and sister are talented artists, and she gets her impressive artistic ability from her colorblind dad’s side of the family. She likes long and time-consuming walks on the beach and classifies as one of the most impatient people in the universe. In her free time she tends to read books and get ahead in her homework. With a busy schedule and no free time, she spends her days playing sports, hanging out with friends, and sitting in class listening avidly to the lectures as she sleeps with her eyes open. She hates the sound of other people’s mouth noises when they chew, lacks the ability to notice details in all things in life, hates to stop and smell the roses, and tends to get distracted easily. It takes her three licks and a bite to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop and ensures that she stops and enjoys life as frequently as possible. She believes in happy never-afters and happy afters and befores, and she is really talented at finishing things she sta

Clay Bowden

Claiborne Adams Bowden is the most social recluse known by all mankind. Her rural abode is so close to the city, which is why no one will ever drive to her house to bring her the most desirable and gross Cookout Oreo milkshake. She enjoys playing with birds and deer while breathing in polluted, fresh air and spends about 386 seconds outside everyday. Claiborne loves to sing and intends to try out for American Idol due to her ability to fracture any glass or mirror when she sings, “Travelin’ Soldier” by the Dixie Chicks. Bowden also revels in sharing her talents of her creative and artistic skill and holds weekly exhibits of her new art pieces in her locked room protected by lasers only she can disarm. She holds an exciting life behind her and will continue to retrogress in the years in front of her. Bowden becomes emaciated more and less everyday, as she stuffs her face with uncooked, salmonella free chocolate chip cookie dough, pints of Ben & Jerry's, and her hourly dosage of Dove dark chocolates.

Kelsey Stratford

Kelsey Stratford is often times described as the smallest and leanest person you’ve seen, which has nothing to do with her above-average height and broad shoulders that would compliment that of a 37-year-old man. She is known around campus for her ability to pull herself through the water at the pace similar to a leopard, while on land being able to move even faster equaling the speed of a sloth. Her dream of being an accomplished college athlete quickly fell short when Kelsey realized that her speed of light in swimming and abundance of recognition was simply non-existent. Kelsey is a star at contact sports participating in exactly zero, unless you count having limbs as a contact sport, which lead to all of her black and blue unruly bruises. Kelsey is an avid hatha yoga participant and one of the most-coordinated people who cannot deal with the responsibility that comes with sitting on a yoga ball, trampolining, habitually trips over herself, accidentally falls up the stairs twice a day, and can’t really exist in a world with gravity. Kelsey can also be described as a family girl who just can’t seem to get along with her family. Her favorite brother is not her brother, but her best friend that she happens to spend more time with than anyone in her actual family. The two of them hate nature and take their anger out on it by going hiking weekly.

Toler Innes

Katharine Toler innes was born the most honest liar in the entire world. She can make you believe anything that she says, if only she wouldn’t say everything that comes to her mind all the time. Toler is her friend’s guidance counselor due to the fact that she is really good at giving advice. However, when her own problems arise she can’t seem to figure out what to do and seeks advice from her friends who usually tell her that she always knows best. Toler likes to think that she is funny and tells good jokes but she herself still can’t figure out why the chicken got to the other side of the road. Toler loves to shop so much that her three closets overflow with clothes, but in the mornings she can never find anything to wear. Her favorite word to say is LOL, and, in fact, she says it so much even if things aren’t funny. Toler Innes’s favorite after school activity is to sleep and if you ever need her for anything you can find her lying in bed in her fast food pajama shorts. Toler likes to be unoriginal and develop her own ideas; her favorite color is blue, just like every single person on the entire world… really original! Toler is one of those people who is secretly amazing at singing that’s why she sings in her car with the volume on 37 so that no one can hear her pretending to be Katy Perry screeching at the top of her lungs. She loves to dance, even though she is the only one in the history of after school dance to acquire an injury and have to go home and ice every day for a week. Innes’s most famous attribute is her ability to binge watch tv shows including the hit series One Tree Hill that should take an average person three months to watch; however, it took her less than one month. Toler Innes is very good at telling stories that’s why people stop listening halfway through and slowly walk away. Anyways, Once upon a time…  

John Cantor

John Michael Cantor is named after Michael Jordan due to his incredible athleticism. He is successful when he's alone but prefers to be around other people. His obsession with music forces him to watch a lot of movies. John is a Collegiate student who doesn't live in Mooreland Farms and commutes from the city. He doesn’t drive a Suburban and forgot who Russell Wilson was. John’s natural creativity makes it hard for him to think of ideas. He makes art that isn't good to look at and music that has no sound. His vibrant colored hair is as dull as a pencil. John is as tall as a fire hydrant. He is the most attentive ADD child in school. Nothing distracts John from the task at hand. ↽⇘⇧↵↹⇎☭☭✐✍.🔉🐈🐊🐅🍼🍼🏇🏉🌍🌲💭🐋🐋

Penn Mayhew

Penn Mayhew is a studly jock, that when he has to interact with girls he falls untriumphant. He is so athletic, and his body is so physically superior, that he loves to shop in the husky section of J.C. Penney. He is fantasik at spelleng, and feels he should be the valediktorien. He is making bank at an average rate of $7.25 an hour being a busboy. He is so outstandingly focused that he is watching netflix as he is writing this paragraph. Penn’s natural athletic ability helps him watch football games from the sideline. He enjoys to live on the wild side of life by trying to fly under the radar in classes. He is a true renaissance man who has few talents and little knowledge in many areas. Penn’s motivation is so strong that he feels that he is done with this.  

Evie Taylor

Evie Taylor is the most well informed ditz in the school. Talk to her about things such as politics and current affairs, and she will have absolutely no idea what you’re saying. She loves going on long walks on the beach but hates sand, and she enjoys being taken out to a nice dinner, but breakfast is her favorite meal. She loves picking flowers, but is severely allergic to pollen, and she spends most of her time hanging out with her abundance of friends (her mom and her dad). Evie loves animals but hates four legged creatures with fur, and her favorite sport is watching football on tv. She is extremely unorganized but manages the football team, and she loves thinking about going to the gym. She is a health freak who hates fruits and vegetables, and she is on the track team, where she is well known for being the fastest walker on the team. Evie hates travelling but loves airports, and her favorite color is rainbow. Evie is super outgoing but fears talking to others. Evie never compares herself to other her classmates (is Emily’s Stallings’ bio better than mine???) and she always gets her work turned in promptly two days after it’s due. Evie is super unique and likes to stray from the crowd, this is why she aspires to attend UVA. She loves writing and can write for hours, but she doesn’t know what else to say because she has a very complex and dynamic personality than can be summed up into one paragraph.

Emily Stallings

Emily is extremely good at any sport she tries and leaves her opponents and peers shocked at her athletic capability. Her incredible field hockey career lasted a solid week, and she spent the greater part of her four year Collegiate basketball career on the bench until the last game of her life this past winter when her coach let her start the game for the first time ever, only to pull her out seconds after the game began. This was clearly because having a D1-quality athlete on the court was too much for the other team to handle, and her coach felt bad for putting the opposing team through that. Her athletic ability might have something to do with how graceful and agile she is. Her natural grace was recognized early on, especially in sixth grade when falling off her bike while carrying a backpack and lacrosse stick which got stuck in the spokes of the wheel, catapulting her through the air and breaking her arm with such precision and finesse that the doctors knew immediately she was a star, for only an able-bodied sportsman could have done such fine work.

Stephanie Webb

Stephanie's favorite question is “Do you know where you want to go to college?” and specifically when asked by adults making small talk. She has the GPA of yours minus 4.0 and is planning on applying early decision to the most academically rigorous school on her list, The University of Alabama. When it comes to school, Stephanie has such a “go getter” attitude that she puts everything off until the very last minute. She is such a morning person that she loves arriving to school at nine and is most likely the first to leave around ten because she has bad migraines that she has never actually experienced. She hates the rule about arriving late and not being able to participate in after-school activities so much that she usually ends up crying in her car because she can’t run the half-marathon warm up with her track team. She truly thought she would be captain this year because everyone knows she is a great leader, even though she refuses to stay throughout meets to “socialize” and “bond”. Her favorite track meet is at FUMA because of its beautiful campus and the fact that you are forced to stay there and receive bronchitis from the air circulating the indoor track. She loves when it snows outside because she is usually inside. Stephanie would even consider herself an avid lover of nature but hates all bugs, plants, and humans. She calls the spring her favorite season because it means she gets to spend everyday after school at lacrosse practice crying about how badly she wants to quit. Again, she was surprised to see that she did not receive captaincy of this year’s team. Based off of her pure athleticism and ten cumulative minutes played the entire season, she believes that the system was rigged. Stephanie strongly advocates for getting at minimum eight hours of sleep at night and is basically nocturnal. Her best friend is also nocturnal; he is a hamster, and she loves him most when he isn’t trying to squirm out of her death grip while she pets him.

Chris Christian

Chris strictly governs herself with the most logical of insanities. Recklessly knitting fifteen stitch red scarves through her young age. It takes her the eternity of seven days to knit a short, nine-foot scarf. All the time she is in constant battle with the temperature. Her neck freezes and her hands burn, making her too cold to ever wear the scaves. Her life is dedicated to the sole task of knitting, but only on weekends and holidays. On her days off from the needle work she does quite similar tasks, like play video games and soccer. Chris sits in front of the giant monitor for hours. When she finally turns it on, she has to squint and lean in to make out the tiny figures. As a true gamer, she worked hard to earn herself the title of novice at Tetris. That title took her eons to earn. Her accomplishment of losing every match without gaining a point took her to the national level, where she would win every tournament, but forgets to enter any. In soccer she had equal finesse. Her position is benchwarmer. From there she scored every goal. If only it wasn’t in her team’s net. For the twentieth year she is even voted most valuable snack bringer for her rotten orange peels. It has been a great short time on the team, yet she hates every moment of it.

Nicky DeMarco

Dominick DeMarco III. He, for some reason, goes by Nicky and is too good for a middle name, though he has always felt incomplete without one. His first name means something close to “holy day” in Italian, and because of that, he avoids going to church. Nicky’s favorite mode of transportation is the horse-drawn carriage, which is why he drives a Lexus. Being the athletic prodigy he is, Nicky tends to spend his free time indulged in literature. He always forgets to wear sunscreen, and consequently never gets tan, causing him to become as white as the night sky. Nicky is a big fan of the Yankees, and has been rooting for the Red Sox so far this baseball season. His great sense of rhythm in his younger days made him one of the worst guitarists in his class and since then, has rebounded is starting to pick up the chips he spilled on the floor. Nicky’s passion for hip-hop/rap has enabled him to idolize Billy Ray Cyrus as a life coach. Because he is known for his aquatic skills, Nicky hates going to the pool and tries to avoid being within five miles of any body of water. He feels very obligated to write a lot, so he will end this here.

Bennett Hayes

If you give Bennett a penny for his thoughts, you would get change. Bennett well known for his intelligence; he has a 4.0 GPA and, coincidentally, a 4.0 iq as well. He is adept at splelling, which is allways spote on. Mr. Hayes is the most humble student at Collegiate; he is so amazingly humble that he sometimes feels the need to shout it from the top left corner of the North Science building so that everyone will know. Not only is Bennett is the sharpest spoon in the knife drawer in regards to his academics, but he also happens to have the most awards in the Collegiate weightroom. Bennett was the first person to get kicked out of golf weightroom for wearing long golf pants, a collared shirt, and golf shoes. He has also worn a bathing suit and Sperrys to weight room. Given how humble Bennett is, he made sure everyone knew of the greatest award he had received in his life. Bennett is a weight room rat, in that he rarely lays his eyes on a weight room. This most likely contributes to his fit, potato-like shape. If you ever need to find Bennett, the first place I wouldn't look is in the gym. Bennett’s claim to fame is his golf game. He is one of the greatest most terrible golfers in the state. He seems to always fall short one stroke short in golf. His impeccable talent landed him one stroke short of all state, one stroke short of winning the Wintergreen quota game, etc. Much of this has to do with his astounding amount of luck, that of which he has none of. He is constantly reminded of his pure and natural talent in regards to golf when freshman Caroline Curtis beats him nearly every time they play, (even though Bennett hits the ball nearly twice as far). In conclusion, if you see two people talking, and one of them looks bored, he is the other one.

Abigail Winfree

Abigail Winfree holds the slowest land speed record, and her parents have aptly nicknamed her “Flash” for this remarkable feat. In her free time, Abigail loves to walk or run with her lazy, feisty, 30-pound cat, who is a stronger runner than she is, despite his pear-like appearance. She is a quite cheery all the time, unless it’s morning, noon or night, when she resembles an exceptionally curmudgeonly Grumpy Cat on a particularly terrible day. She is known for her jubilant attitude, which she shows through disgruntledly hissing at people if she is disturbed during her sleep.  She loves a fresh salad, unless a cinnamon roll, pudding, or Cheetos are available. Abigail is also an extremely focused person, unless there is a shiny penny laying heads up on the sidewalk. She fits in well in most situations, aside from when she has to interact with other members of her own species. Her socially awkward nature causes many of her thoughts to end with the literary genius that makes up the common teenager’s go-to phrase, “so, like, yeah.”

Chris Carr

Chris Carr was a simple man of complex beliefs. He enjoys reading despite his ongoing battle with a mixture of illiteracy and stupidity. He looks incredibly young for someone who is often mistaken to be a twenty seven year old employee at Cookout, despite being in high school. He is a man of luxury as represented by his rusty 2000 Dodge Dakota he drives when deciding not to utilize his bike. He has often been quantified as an athletic weapon for his incredible ability to participate a lucratively average level in all phases of sports. His 5 and 21 varsity wrestling record as a sophomore is another piece of evidence of the fact that he was on the wrestling team as a sophomore. His humbleness can only by rivaled by that of Donald Trump and Ric Flair. His brain is full of more useless knowledge than that of an incredibly successful Jeopardy contestant who is now employed as a gas station attendant. He has the luck of a man who gets attacked by a mountain lion in the middle of the ocean; despite the odds being stacked against him, he will end up being on the news.