The Controversy of Dating Violence

Bailey Chapman

The Controversy of Dating Violence

        Teen dating violence is an epidemic. In a single year 1.5 million teenagers will be abused by their partner. (Love is Respect website, dating abuse statistics^[1]) With so many teenagers being put into these situations, why isn’t this a topic in the elections? Why isn’t it in the media? The truth is that survivors and victims are shamed into silence. There is always some degree of blame placed on the victims rather than the perpetrator. The infamous question “well why didn’t you just leave?” is, sadly, one of the first things victims hear. There are many types of abuse; and with the increase in technology there are even more. There is physical, verbal, sexual, financial, and digital abuse. Also, there is stalking and harassment. With the increase in technology abuse of a partner has become even easier to conduct. Specifically, it is easier to stalk and harass a partner with things like facebook and instagram. Another sad truth is that perpetrators are often not criminally punished for their actions.  It is up to the states to create statutes to enforce penalties for abusers. Dating violence is often left out of these statutes. In the state of Kentucky, dating violence wasn’t included in the list of reasons that qualify one for a protection order until the start of this year. Dating violence is a silent epidemic that needs to be stopped; and to do that, we must educate people on what dating violence is.

        According to Love is Respect, there are six types of abuse. The most well-known type of abuse is physical abuse. Physical abuse is intentional contact that comes close to your body, or comes in contact with your body. An example of intentional contact with someone’s body is punching said person in the face. An example of intentional contact with something close to your body is grabbing said person’s shirt to prevent them from leaving. The important thing to know with physical abuse is that it doesn’t have to leave a mark or a bruise. Any form of intentional contact that is unwanted is not healthy for anybody involved (Love is Respect website, Types of Abuse).

        Emotional or verbal abuse is a type of abuse that is often brushed off as no big deal. It is a huge deal. This is abuse that doesn’t involve physical contact. Stalking and harassment are considered emotional abuse. Some examples of emotional abuse are constant monitoring, name calling and put downs, telling their partner what to do and what to wear, and starting rumors about their partner. Emotional abuse is often hard to prove, therefore most people don’t take it seriously. However emotional abuse can have an immense impact on someone’s self esteem and can make a victim feel as if they are lesser of a person. The danger of emotional abuse is when the victim believes the abuser and starts to think they are really what they say. They then blame themselves for their partner’s abuse (Love is Respect website, Types of Abuse).

        Sexual abuse is another commonly known form of abuse. Sexual abuse is any action that someone into doing something sexually that they do not want to do. This includes rape, oral sex, unwanted kissing or touching, and limiting access to birth control. The important thing to remember with sexual abuse is that both women and men can be victims of sexual abuse. Sexual abuse can occur between a couple who has had sex before. Just because someone said yes before, doesn’t mean they have to said yes another time. Sexual activity with someone who is very drunk, unconscious, drugged, or impaired in any other way and cannot give a clear yes or no is sexual assault. The use of sexual insults is also considered sexual abuse. Sexual assault doesn't have to be some violent attack. Most victims know the person who perpetrated the sexual acts (Love is Respect website, Types of Abuse).

Financial abuse is much less known as a type of abuse. Financial abuse is when your partner controls your money or uses your assets, like your social security card or your credit cards, to gain financially without your permission. Some examples are denying you use of your paycheck, tell you what you can buy and when you can buy it, using their money to hold power over you, or preventing you from going to work. Financial abuse can go unnoticed, but can have a huge impact. This type of abuse usually is happening alongside physical or emotional abuse (Love is Respect website, Types of Abuse).

Digital abuse is verbal or emotional abuse that is conducted online. This includes stalking, constantly using social media to check up on you, puts you down in posts online, pressures you to send sexual videos and pictures, and looking through your phone frequently. Digital abuse has become more prevalent due to the increase in access that social media gives us (Love is Respect website, Types of Abuse). While communication is important in every healthy relationship, new technologies have added another level to communication. How much is too much?

Stalking is the repeated harassment, constant watching, and consistent following of a person. Stalking includes sending unwanted messages, sending unwanted things like flowers or candy, befriending your friends to check in on you. Stalking and harassment often times go hand in hand. Like digital abuse, it has become easier to stalk someone because of social media. Social media is now a powerful tool to harass a partner. Having the ability to “check in” somewhere and have everyone know where you are at, and who you are with, opens the door for a partner to track your moves on a daily bases. (Love is Respect website, Types of Abuse)

The website Love is Respect also details how one goes about protecting themselves. The best thing to do is create a safety plan. A safety plan, according to Love is Respect, is a plan that someone who is being abused creates to keep them safe. The whole goal is to be able to make a personalized plan so you can live your life as safely as possible. One example is a school safety plan. This includes a list of teachers to talk to, the safest way to get to and from school, a list of people who can walk you to your class, and a safe place with faculty around to spend your free time. There are also safety plans that include your emotional safety. This includes listing what your abuser does and how it makes you feel; and what things you can do to make yourself happy (Love is Respect website, Types of Abuse).

In the state of Kentucky a woman is more likely to be abused or fall victim to domestic violence than the national average. House bill 8 went into effect January first of this year. (Melissa K. Slate, RN.org)  House bill 8 allows victims of dating violence to obtain protective orders. The state of Kentucky hadn’t protected anyone who was abused, stalked, or harassed by a dating partner. The state didn’t recognize it as a form of abuse. As stated on the Break the Cycle State Report Cards, in 2010 Kentucky law didn’t specify you could take out a protective order against a minor. There was also not designated a school response to dating violence. While house bill 8 does allow for victims of dating violence to obtain protection orders it doesn’t specifically cover who you can take a protective order out on; nor does it designate a school response to dating violence. However, the state report cards for Indiana and Tennessee indicate they had been doing everything Kentucky wasn’t. Indiana Tennessee also have school implemented programs to educate teens on dating violence.

In Indiana and Tennessee dating violence is covered under state law as a reason to obtain a protection order(Break the Cycle 2010 state law report cards). Tennessee’s department of education is allowed by state law to develop curriculum on dating violence in schools including information on what to do when you are abused(Break the Cycle 2010 Report Card). Indiana guarantees anyone who is stalked, harassed, sexually abused, or physically abused to have access to a protection order(Break the Cycle 2010 state law report cards). While Tennessee only guarantees people who are physically abused to obtain  protection orders(Break the Cycle 2010 state law report cards). Kentucky only guarantees victims who have been sexually abused, threatened, or physically hurt (Break the Cycle 2010 Report Cards).

Based on my experience with teen dating violence and the statistics given on Love is Respect’s website, teen dating violence is an epidemic in the United States. Not only is it an epidemic, it is an epidemic we sweep under the rug. Each state has their own way with dealing with dating violence. There needs to be a high federal standard that states meet when it comes to education and punishment. It should be criminalized, penalized heavily, and victims should have better access to things like guns and protective orders. On the education note, every freshman in high school should not only learn about what abuse and stalking/harassment is, they should learn what to do in a situation where their friend or themselves are being abused.

The idea behind making education on this topic mandatory in high schools and my desire to put a lesson plan in place to educate students at St. Francis is simple. I didn’t know I was being abused. I didn’t know what to do. Not having any control over the situation gives the abuser even more control over the victim. I promised myself that I wouldn’t let anyone else feel that same way. Education is a type of power that nobody can take away from you. Equipping students with the tools to know what to do and what the signs are leaves students with the ability to create happier and healthier relationships. Students will be able to be an “active bystander” meaning someone who steps in when they notice something isn’t right with a friend’s relationship. Also Students will learn types of abuse, nationwide and statewide statistics, What are the hot topics when it comes to dating violence, and what the state laws are.

I do not believe in gun control.  Specifically, I do not believe in restricting a person who is a victim of abuse from obtaining a gun. Many have seen the NRA video featuring the story of Carol Bowne from New Jersey. Carol Bowne had a restraining order against her ex boyfriend. She felt unsafe and had decided to put security cameras in place as a precaution. Those same cameras captured her ex boyfriend stabbing her to death in her driveway. I decided to look into this story; and fox news had an article with some interesting details. Ms. Bowne had applied for a handgun permit. According to Fox News in the state of New Jersey you submit your background check, fingerprints, and your fee. The police department then conduct an investigation. You will be denied or approved in 30 days. At least, that’s what they say. Some reported to Fox News that it takes months in certain cases. Having just a knife, or pepper spray isn’t as effective as a gun. If Ms. Bowne had her gun she might still be alive today. Victims of dating violence should be able to obtain a permit and a gun within 24 hours. By not allowing victims to have access to adequate protection is an example of victim shaming. (Fox News, Chiaramonte; NRA, Freedom’s Safest Place video)

Victims of teen dating violence often face harsh criticisms. “Well why didn’t you just leave?”, “What were you wearing?”, “Why didn’t you say anything?”, “He was drunk.”, “She was drunk.”, “She was asking for it.” Those are just a few examples of the harsh questioning many face when they talk about being abused. According to Love is Respect, there are many reasons why someone doesn’t leave. One specifically related to teens is the idea that teenagers cannot really be in love. Some teens feel like they will not be taken seriously. Also traditional gender roles make it hard for women to admit they are sexually active while for men it makes it hard for them to admit to being abused. Traditional gender role ideas would shame men because it would be unmasculine for him to be abused. Traditionally, women are shamed for being sexually active, therefore if she is being sexually abused it would be hard for her to admit she is being abused (Love Is Respect team). There are many stereotypes surrounding why abuse takes place. Love is Respect emphasises that it is not because someone is drunk. Drunk or not, your abuser’s actions still reflect their personality. While being drunk does put someone at risk of being taken advantage of, it isn’t ever a victim’s fault. Nobody is ever asking for it.

The best way to help victims of teen dating violence, in my opinion, is to spread awareness. Educate teens on these topics, create better laws criminalizing abuse, allowing a minor to take out a protection order against another minor, and putting an end to victim shaming. A survey students took showed the lack of education among peers. This is a growing epidemic in our country. There have been steps towards generating awareness, like February being teen dating violence awareness month. Also, the Teen DV week Love is Respect sponsors the week leading up to Valentine's Day, featuring Wear Orange for Love Day. However, many often focus on other causes in February. This demonstrates how we often overlook this “uncomfortable” topic. If our generation starts the conversation and continues it, awareness can be spread. The more survivors that share their story, the better. Our generation needs to create a welcoming environment for victims. We need to stand together and say “No More” to keeping quiet.