Transcriber: @robotchangeling
Austin: Get this backup going. Okay.
Keith: Austin, you are quiet, but it might just be my sliders. Yeah, I have…
Austin: I think it’s you.
Keith: It’s the sliders, yeah.
Austin: I look right.
Keith: I have Sylvia turned up to 150.
Austin: Okay. [someone chuckles]
Sylvia: Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah, I was really quiet earlier, so I turned myself up a bit.
Keith: Yeah.
Jack: Hi!
Keith: Hello.
Sylvia: Hello!
Jack: Hello, all.
Austin: Hmm, hmm.
Jack: What you got there, Austin? [chuckles]
Austin: [with mouth full] Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm.
Jack: [chuckles] Only the crunchiest of snacks for the podcast. [Sylvia laughs]
Austin: [disagreeing] Mm-mmm! Mm-mmm!
Jack: No, chewy? These are chewy?
Keith: Yeah.
Austin: Mm-hmm!
Jack: Oh, excellent.
Keith: Oh, yeah, my snack is crunchy. I have...thunder crisps?
Art: [incredulous] Thunder crisps?
Sylvia: [surprised] Thunder crisps?
Keith: Yeah, they’re called thunder crisps.
Sylvia: Okay!
Keith: They’re the loudest snack. They’re worldwide known as the loudest snack.
Austin: Mmm.
Jack: Yeah, sold especially. They put them in the middle of podcasts in the adverts.
Keith: Yeah.
Jack: Enter code BANG!
Keith: “If you want to ruin the podcast like we have…”
Austin: Which we do.
Keith: Yeah.
Jack: Mmm.
Austin: I have some coffee cake
Art: Honestly, we could all chew the crunchiest things in the world, and I still don’t think we’d have the worst podcast sound on the internet. [mic sound]
Austin: Uh oh! We lost Art.
Keith: Nope. Bad.
Jack: Oh no!
Austin: Art?
Art: Did I—am I here?
Sylvia: You cut out after saying, “Honestly, we could all eat the crunchiest things.”
Art: That’s it. That—
Sylvia: Which like, we could. We do have that ability.
Art: We still wouldn’t have the worst sound on the internet, podcast-wise.
Sylvia: Oh.
Austin: Probably not.
Keith: Right, yeah.
Austin: It’s rough out there.
Keith: Is there another podcast out there where they’re eating, besides maybe like an “eating things on mic” podcast?
Austin: Yes, there has to be. There’s infinite podcasts, right? [Sylvia chuckles]
Keith: But I mean, aside from one that’s meant to be eating on mic. Is there one where—
Austin: No, that’s what I'm saying.
Keith: Right.
Austin: In fact, I think that one is rarer than the one—
Sylvia: Yeah.
Austin: That is just people chewing chips.
Jack: Yeah. Awful.
Austin: Yeah.
Art: I was at a birthday party this weekend for a friend of mine. It was a LA-based comedian. And just everyone talking about their fucking podcasts.
Jack: Oh, wow.
Sylvia: Yeah!
Art: And I feel like I can’t even engage in those conversations anymore, like…
Austin: It’s a bad one, Art. It’s a bad one today, Art. You’re getting that disconnect more than normal.
Sylvia: I have a tweet—
Art: That’s a shame.
Sylvia: I have a tweet I've been wanting to make that’s just “every LA Clippers fan is an LA comedian or a podcaster, [Austin and Jack chuckle] except that’s a circle.”
Austin: Yeah.
Jack: Uh huh.
Sylvia: Like, that Venn diagram is a circle.
Austin: It’s accurate.
Keith: No, some of them just guest on podcasts. They don't all have their own.
Sylvia: Their superfan is Paul Scheer.
Austin: God.
Sylvia: The LA Clippers. Like, Paul Scheer and Billy Crystal.
Jack: Who is Paul Sheer?
Sylvia: He’s the dude who did How Did This Get Made?
Keith: [overlapping] You know Paul Scheer.
Jack: Oh, the podcast…
Sylvia: Yeah.
Keith: He did that sketch show with Aziz Ansari and...right? Human Giant?
Jack: Where they think about how films are...how they made bad films?
Sylvia: They just talk about bad movies, yeah.
Keith: Oh, these are two separate things. I was just listing.
Art: And they have that video game spinoff.
Keith: He was on The League. That’s his big...
Art: Yeah.
Keith: Am I wrong? Was Aziz on Human Giant?
Sylvia: I don’t know.
Keith: I think so. Yeah, he was.
Art: They have their video game spinoff, How Did This Get Played? Which had their big Thanksgiving controversy.
Sylvia: Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Keith: What was that? I didn’t…
Austin: Wait, what was the controversy?
Sylvia: Oh my god.
Austin: Do I already know?
Art: They brought a Native American person to talk about Custer’s Revenge or whatever it is. [someone groans] And then in the middle of the podcast, Joey Clift is the guy, was like “Hey, it’s fucked up that you brought the only Native American you’ve ever had on this podcast to talk about this game.”
Austin: Good!
Keith: Yeah, he—
Sylvia: He wrote about it for the AV Club too. He did a really good article.
Jack: It’s a great piece.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Austin: Like...wait, wait, wait, sorry. In the middle of the podcast this happened?
Sylvia: Yeah.
Art: Yeah, like literally in the middle. Like, they do—
Austin: Holy shit.
Jack: “Let’s talk about it.”
Art: —like a little bit of the normal shtick, and then yeah.
Austin: Wow.
Jack: Mm-hmm.
Austin: Wow, wow, wow, wow. [softly] Boop.
Jack: Fewer podcasts.
Keith: Yeah. When it was new, someone had recommended the show to me, and then was like, but also, they’re not video game people who are funny, they’re comedians who like video games, and they bring on people who even less like video games than them.
Austin: [groans]
Sylvia: Oh no.
Keith: So they end up not really having a lot to say about the games except for “this is wacky.”
Austin: Mm-hmm.
Keith: And so they do games that seem wacky, and then it’s like, eh, it’s kind of fucked up that you think this game is wacky.
Austin: Yeah.
Keith: The less...I can’t remember the specific example, but one of the less egregious ones was like none of them understood Hatoful Boyfriend. They all were like, “How is this even a thing?”
Jack: Oh, brill.
Keith: Well, there’s like four things that you’re not getting to not get how this is a thing.
Sylvia: I…
Keith: And also it was 2019, like… [chuckles]
Sylvia: People who have never played a virtual novel being confronted with Hatoful Boyfriend is so fucking funny. It’s always like, “Oh my god, are all these like…” You’re...just play something else. [Austin chuckles] There’s so much more. You don’t have to play the one for clout. You don’t.
Austin: God. God!
Sylvia: It’s a good game, too. I don’t mind it. Nothing against the birds. I should make that clear. It’s just a…
Austin: No, Hatoful Boyfriend’s fine.
Sylvia: Yeah. It’s just also clearly the gimmicky pick.
Austin: Right.
Sylvia: If you’re gonna play a visual novel.
Keith: Right. It’s the one that’s weird enough to burst through a sort of...like, you see it and you’re like, “This one’s about a bird, let’s play that!” and now it’s a meme.
Sylvia: Well, yeah, and then Dream Daddy came out.
Austin: Yeah.
Sylvia: And that made them like “respectable” in heavy air quotes.
Keith: Right.
Sylvia: You know what I mean?
Keith: Well, it was the first respectable one!
Sylvia: Exactly! It was the first…
Keith: So, now you can make a respectable one.
Sylvia: [sarcastic] It was the first real one. It’s not like it’s a genre that people have been working in for like literally decades or anything.
Austin: That...this is killing me. [Jack groans] I’m almost there.
Jack: Dead!
Austin: That’s where I'm almost at, yeah. Uh huh. [Sylvia sighs]
Keith: Oh, I’m also almost dead! Let’s talk about that!
Austin: God.
Jack: I don’t have snacks. I do have decaf coffee.
Sylvia: I just have water.
Austin: Did you do the thing that Janine suggested?
Jack: What did Janine suggest?
Austin: Janine is really into this...I'm like stealing this bit from her now, but this magic coffee whipped cream?
Keith: Mmm.
Jack: Mmm.
Austin: I'm gonna link it to you. I’ll put it in the Rapid Evening chat now.
Art: Hidden from Janine. [all laugh]
Austin: Hidden from Janine. She won’t know that I've stolen it. It’s three ingredients. Those ingredients are…
Art: Oh.
Austin: Sugar.
Jack: Mm-hmm.
Austin: Water. And instant coffee.
Sylvia: Why?
Jack: Oh my god.
Austin: And you whisk it. And I want you in this video just to jump ahead to like 6 minutes maybe? No, it’s longer than that. 6...I mean, you can see a little bit at 6:30. But when Emmy takes this stuff out, how good it looks. It looks incredible, honestly?
Keith: It does look so good, yeah.
Austin: It looks like the consistency is perfect for a sort of…but it’s a nightmare.
Keith: But it’s unbelievable that it doesn’t have a cream in it or something.
Austin: It’s unbelievable! It makes me scared of instant coffee.
Keith: Yeah. Which is actually not...like, instant coffee’s just freeze dried coffee.
Austin: Right. I know, but...well, so here’s the thing, is she does say in this video it doesn’t work with all instant coffees. She tried it with Starbucks instant coffee, and it’s just like, no.
Keith: Right. Yeah.
Austin: It just doesn’t work.
Jack: So there is something.
Austin: There is something, yes.
Keith: Some instant coffees...like, bad instant coffee is dehydrated coffee. Like, brewed coffee—
Austin: Right.
Keith: But then dehydrate into a powder. And then good instant coffee, which does exist now, they have four dollar a serving single origin instant coffee.
Austin: Ugh.
Keith: It’s very funny.
Austin: That’s very funny.
Keith: And those are freeze dried.
Austin: Just get a coffee machine. Just make coffee.
Keith: Just make coffee.
Austin: Come on, buddy.
Art: I am very scared of the implication that some coffees do and do not work in this recipe. That is legitimately concerning.
Austin: It’s scary! Yeah, right? It suggests something about…
Jack: It’s the glitter article all over again.
Keith: Well, I’ve heard that—
Austin: I literally almost said that, except that now that’s been solved.
Jack: Oh, what? Really?
Art: What?
Keith: The glitter— did you say glitter article?
Austin: I have it— okay.
Jack: Oh, jesus.
Austin: Keith, you know about the glitter article.
Sylvia: Wait, what?
Keith: No.
Jack: Okay, we need a custom music thing for every time we bring up the glitter article. [laughs]
Keith: Is this something from Parliament? Is this a Parliament thing?
Jack: No. Okay, so, there’s a—
Austin: Parliament Funkadelic? What?
Art: Literal glitter.
Keith: There’s a glitter article? [Sylvia laughs]
Austin: [chuckles] God. The…
Keith: Now introducing…
Austin: Go ahead, Jack.
Jack: Okay.
Austin: Explain the glitter article, and I’ll get the link.
Jack: It’s Caity...is it Caity Weaver?
Austin: Uh…
Jack: I always get who wrote this wrong. Someone for the New York Times wrote a profile of glitter, you know, the small plasticky shiny substance, in which she visited a glitter factory and was not allowed to see how it was made?
Austin: It is Caity Weaver.
Jack: Or like hear how it was being made.
Austin: Well...I guess—
Jack: Was she allowed to just hear the sound of the machines?
Austin: I think she was allowed to...was she not even allowed to see it being made?
Jack: I don’t think so, no.
Art: No, because it’s a byproduct.
Austin: Okay.
Jack: No, it’s not that it’s a byproduct. It’s that… [laughs] I had this whole discussion recently with my parents, and we ended up going to the glitter article. Anyway, the centerpiece of this glitter article is a bit where she basically cross-examines this glitter rep about what glitter is used for.
Austin: I'm just gonna read this bit from the article.
Jack: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Austin: [reading] The story’s most tantalizing detail, however, is that one of the glitter industry’s biggest clients doesn’t want the public to know that it’s using glitter in the first place. Why? As Weaver reports, quote, “When I asked Ms. Dyer if she could tell me which industry serves as Glitterex’s biggest market, her answer was instant: ‘No. I absolutely know that I can’t.’ I was taken aback. ‘But you know what it is?’ ‘Oh, God, yes,’ she said and laughed. ‘And you would never guess it. Let’s just leave it at that.’ I asked if she could tell me why she couldn’t tell me. ‘Because they don’t want anyone to know that it’s glitter.’ ‘If I looked at it I wouldn’t know it’s glitter?’ ‘No, not really.’ ‘Would I be able to see the glitter?’ ‘Oh, you’d be able to see something. But it’s—’”
[Timestamp: 0:
Jack: [delighted] You’d be able to see something!
Sylvia: What?!
Austin: “‘Yeah, I can't.’”
Keith: What?!
Austin: Uh huh. So, I haven't—
Keith: And it’s solved. We know what it is?
Austin: Well, I haven’t listened to the podcast yet, but yes, it’s solved. There’s a pod— the Endless Thread podcast. I'm just gonna link this.
Keith: Oh, so this is now a mystery that I have to…
Austin: Well, I can link you the thing.
Jack: [laughs] Thank you, Austin.
Austin: [chuckles] I know what it is.
Art: Austin got you homework.
Austin: Do you want to know what it is? Do you want me to tell you?
Keith: Y— yeah, yes.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Keith: Yeah!
Austin: Do you have guesses?
Art: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Can we get some guesses?
Austin: I’ve already linked it. I've already linked it.
Art: Can we lock in some final…
Austin: No one look. Guess.
Keith: Is it...okay, I won’t look. Okay.
Jack: Okay. I have two guesses.
Sylvia: [sighs] Oh no.
Austin: Yeah. I had a guess, and I was wrong.
Keith: Is—
Jack: Okay. I think we had the same guess, Austin, so I'll just say them.
Austin: Yeah.
Jack: Guess one: meat. [someone laughs]
Austin: That was not my guess. I want the record to show. Not my guess.
Keith: Okay.
Austin: But I get why they wouldn’t want you to know.
Jack: Guess two: cars.
Austin: Cars—
Keith: Cars are glitter? Cars are made out of glitter secretly?
Austin: Well, they have glitter in them or something.
Jack: Paint sheen, yeah.
Austin: Paint sheen, something like that.
Keith: Okay, okay.
Jack: And I think that’s also why it would be used in meat.
Keith: Well, they do have metallic flecks. Is there metal in glitter?
Jack: Nah, it’s plastic, innit?
Austin: I don't know.
Keith: I don't know.
Austin: They don’t—
Art: I don't think glitter sets of metal detectors, so.
Austin: Right.
Keith: Oh, sure.
Jack: Sylvia, what are your guesses?
Sylvia: Uh…
Art: I think it’s a weapon.
Sylvia: I…
Austin: Weapon is—
Keith: I also...my first thought was also weapon.
Austin: Weapon’s a great guess.
Keith: Yeah.
Sylvia: I…
Austin: Weapon’s a great guess. I also had thought weapon. I thought weapon and money. Those were my top two.
Sylvia: I got no idea...my only thing I can think of right now is like, “Oh, they crush up rhinestones. That’s how they make glitter,” which is not how that works. [Jack and Austin laugh]
Jack: The most backwards way of making glitter.
Sylvia: Yeah, I know! Fuckin’...I don't know. That rock from Uncut Gems that Adam Sandler liked. They use that.
Jack: Mmm!
Sylvia: That’s what they make glitter out of.
Keith: Wait, we do know what it’s made out of.
Jack: Oh, no, we know what it’s made out of. We’re...it’s like, what’s it for?
Keith: So it’s just like, who’s buying the most glitter in the world?
Sylvia: Ohh.
Austin: Who is buying it and doesn’t want you to know that they’re buying it?
Sylvia: Oh, fucking...no, I was gonna say like, “adult businesses”, but that…
Austin: Also a popular guess.
Sylvia: But like, I don't think they would be ashamed of it.
Keith: I don’t feel like they would mind. Yeah.
Jack: Why would you hide it?
Sylvia: Yeah.
Austin: Exactly that. You wouldn’t hide it.
Keith: Yeah.
Sylvia: Uh…
Austin: I think this is a—
Sylvia: Food.
Austin: This is exactly one of those stories that like, this conversation is better than the answer, to the degree that I almost don’t want to tell you the answer.
Sylvia: You… [admonishing] Austin.
Keith: Are they—
Austin: It’s boats. It’s boats. It’s boat paint.
Sylvia: [disappointed] Oh.
Austin: It’s boats. They just don't want you to know. They just don't want you to know. But they’re buying— one boat manufacturer is buying something like thirty— sorry. Is bringing in ten thirty-gallon drums of it every week, which is 15,600 gallons a year.
Jack: [disappointed] Why?
Austin: Which is enough to make it...and that’s just one boat company, so across the entire industry…
Keith: And what do they do with it?
Austin: They paint the boats with it.
Sylvia: Ugh.
Keith: So it is...so…
Austin: It’s vehicle—boat.
Keith: Car paint was very close.
Austin: Car paint is very close.
Jack: Also, here’s the thing.
Austin: But boat—
Jack: Following the mermaid treaties of 1840, [Austin and Sylvia laugh] boats have to be coated in glitter, otherwise the kraken will come get them.
Sylvia: That is true.
Austin: Oh, god. God. The podcast that I have up, the transcript, is the Endless Thread podcast from 90...90 dot 9? How do I say radio numbers again? WBUR.
Art: Point, right? It’s 102...yeah.
Austin: 90 point 9.
Keith: Yeah.
Austin: Yeah, point, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Jack: [mocking] “Dot.”
Austin: It’s been a while since I've listened to the radio in that way, so. [chuckles]
Jack: No, I also didn’t… [chuckles]
Sylvia: Yeah.
Austin: 90 point 9. 90 dot com, right? That’s, you do a dot, right?
Jack: Yeah. Dot org.
Austin: Dot org. 90 dot org. WBUR dot org, actually. And yeah, they just...the end of it is basically like, yeah, that’s kind of...that’s weird. It’s weird that they care that much, huh? My thought here is: car manufacturers are...you know, the car, the auto industry, you know what I mean? Like they don’t...they kind of have...they don’t have that chip on their shoulder in terms of feeling like they need a little mystery. Because what do we do? We make fucking cars. I feel like if you’re in the boat-making industry, [Sylvia chuckles] you want a little mystery in your life, do you know what I mean?
Keith: Yeah.
Austin: [doing a low mysterious voice] “Yeah, I make boats.” And so they care about it.
Art: Well, 'cause no one understands buoyancy.
Austin: No one! [Jack and Austin laugh]
Keith: Well, and there’s also, they...so, this person worked at the glitter factory, and so the things that the glitter factory clients want seem way more important than they do—
Austin: Yes, that’s the other thing. Yes.
Keith: —relative to the rest of the world.
Austin: Yes.
Keith: And so, to this person, the fact that the boat client doesn't want people knowing that boats have glitter—
Austin: Uh huh.
Keith: —is like a big deal. [chuckles] Where really it’s like, who fucking...who gives a shit that boats have glitter? What?
Austin: Yeah.
Keith: I’ll never buy a boat. I'll barely even see a boat.
Austin: [laughs] So, it is— just to be clear, I just double checked—
Jack: Keith Carberry: “I'll never see a boat.” [Keith laughs]
Austin: It is a gel coat, that is both cosmetic and protective, that protects the boat. I don't know why glitter…
Jack: Okay. I'm gonna look at a picture of a boat, now. I'm gonna type “boat” into Google, and I'm gonna see if I can see something.
Austin: [typing] “Boat gel.”
Jack: No, don’t type “boat gel,” Austin. That’s the coward’s search. [others laugh] You want to search boats.
Austin: Okay, but...
Keith: I’m a little loud. I think it...
Austin: Real quick.
Keith: Yeah?
Austin: How did we not know? That’s glitter. [laughs] I just posted a picture of a boat. That’s glitter. It’s obviously glitter.
Jack: Mmm.
Keith: Yeah.
Jack: [laughing] Okay, that’s glitter.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Art: You can’t hide that.
Keith: Well, okay, but this goes to my point that we’re not looking at or thinking about boats very often.
Jack: Right, true.
Keith: They’re not relevant to our lives!
Austin: They are not relevant to our lives.
Sylvia: Yeah, that’s true.
Austin: They are not relevant to our lives.
Keith: And it’s obvious when you think of the things that we guessed. We guessed food, weapons.
Sylvia: [laughing quietly] Hmm?
Keith: Cars. Cars is the boat version of what’s relevant to us. We basically did guess boat.
Austin: I love this sentence. “There’s two main manufacturers of glitter in the United States. One is called Glitterex. The other one is called Meadowbrook Inventions.” [Keith laughs]
Jack: Okay. So—
Austin: Bluff City, Blough City. [laughs]
Jack: [laughs] Yeah, it’s so good. One of these is secretly funding the Umbrella Corporation.
Austin: Yeah, a hundred percent! Meadowbrook Inventions is turning us into zombies as we speak.
Keith: Wait, what was the non creepy scary one?
Austin: Glitterex!
Jack: Glitter fun! Yes! [Sylvia and Austin laugh]
Keith: Okay, it’s Bluff City Blough City, but Glitterex is the Blough City one—
Austin: Right.
Keith: And that’s the one that’s poisoning people.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Austin: That’s the one that’s— yeah, that’s the scary one. God. God!
Keith: Merry Christmas!
Austin: Uh huh.
Jack: [laughs] Merry Christmas.
Austin: Alright. I'm closing this. We should do a time.is.
Keith: It’s funny. Now that I've seen that picture, I'm like, oh yeah, I've totally seen that on a boat.
Austin: Right, totally.
Keith: Yeah.
Austin: But it’s as if it’s camouflage for thought, because I would never think about it.
Jack: It’s like...well, if I had been...if I was on the dock and I was trying to make polite conversation inexpertly, I'd say, “Your boat is very glittery.” And they’d say, “Pfft, no, it’s not glitter.”
Austin: No, no.
Jack: “No. What? No.”
Austin: What? Tch.
Jack: “Surely not.”
Austin: “Wouldn’t put glitter on a boat.”
Keith: It looks like a bowling ball.
Austin: It does look like a bowling ball.
Keith: I guess bowling balls probably also have glitter.
Jack: Oh, it does look like a bowling ball!
Austin: I think if bowling was more…
Jack: How is bowling ball made? [Sylvia laughs]
Austin: If bowling was more popular, bowling balls would probably give a run for boats for glitter money.
Keith: Yeah, probably.
Jack: Yeah.
Keith: And, specifically, obviously we’re talking about big ball bowling. Regular bowling doesn’t have...those are just kind of brown.
Austin: Not doing this again. I'm not. I'm not doing the big ball bowling thing with you again.
Keith: Triple B!
Austin: I'm not.
Art: How much glitter do you think is on Jeff Bezos’s super yacht?
Sylvia: Uuugh.
Austin: Oh my fucking god. I hate him.
Keith: I think it’s gold flake, like they put on stupid expensive burgers.
Sylvia: Fucking bone flakes from people that he had killed. [Keith and Jack laugh]
Austin: God.
Art: Bones aren’t very sparkly at all. That’s a horrible guess.
Sylvia: They’re painted gold.
Art: [laughs] With glitter?
Keith: They’re glitterized— yeah. Obviously, Jeff Bezos has the technology to glitterize the bones of all of…
Sylvia: Amazon workers who die in the facilities.
Keith: Amazon workers who die, yeah.
Austin: [laughs] On his yacht.
Keith: That’s why they die at a much higher rate. It isn’t just negligence. It’s that he needs glitter for his boat.
Austin: [chuckles] Right. Yes. “It’s protective,” he says. [Jack chuckles] “It’s not just cosmetic.”
Keith: That’s just... yeah. It’s dual purpose.
Austin: God. Alright.
Keith: Most bone gels are single purpose.
Jack: But Amazon’s…
Austin: Uh…
Jack: Should we do 10?
Austin: Uh, I'm no longer ready.
Jack: 15.
Austin: Yes.
[they pause, then clap]
Austin: Okay.
Jack: Can we actually do one more? I made a really tiny clap, and…
Austin: Mmm. You need a bigger one than that, Jack.
Jack: I need a bigger one.
Keith: Let’s all do a tiny clap together to bring it up and down.
Austin: No.
Jack: No. No!
Sylvia: No?
Austin: No. 30. 30, 30, 30!
[they clap, extremely in unison]
Jack: Oh, there we go.
Austin: That sounded damn good.
Sylvia: [impressed] Yeah.
Austin: Every time I repeat something multiple times in a row, I remember...it makes me think of that trailer for...was it the Mummy? The new Mummy movie? The one without the sound in it?
Jack: [amused] Where there were no sounds?
Sylvia: Oh, yeah [??? 19:41]
Austin: And the guy goes, “Pan! Pan! Pan!” [laughs]
Jack: Why is he shouting “pan”?
Austin: No idea. No idea.
Jack: You think it was something on set or…?
Austin: I don't know!
Sylvia: Yeah.
Keith: Oh, you could hear like stage instructions?
Sylvia: Yeah, that sounds like they’re talking to the cameraman.
Austin: I don't think it is, though, because it…
[Timestamp: 0:20:01]
Sylvia: Okay.
Austin: He apparently goes “Pan! Pan! Pan! This is November four, zero, niner, niner.” So I think it must be some sort of…
Sylvia: Okay.
Keith: Oh, they were in a helicopter, right? It could be— that could be—
Austin: A plane, yeah, that sounds like—
Jack: Helicopter lingo?
Austin: Yeah.
Keith: Yeah, for like strafing.
Austin: Maybe it was a helicopter. Yeah, exactly. It’s so funny. Alright, I have to close it.
Jack: Fuckin’, Brendan Fraser was robbed.
Austin: Agreed.
Jack: He should’ve been in that movie.
Austin: Agreed!
Sylvia: God, have you...the first Mummy...look. It’s got its problems.
Keith: Sure.
Sylvia: But!
Austin: But it also has Brendan Fraser, who’s good.
Sylvia: Brendan Fraser is like prime hunk in that.
Jack: Yeah.
Sylvia: And like…
Jack: Uh huh.
Austin: He’s incredible. He’s perfect.
Sylvia: Can’t recommend that enough.
Austin: Yeah.
Keith: Whatever. That movie sucks, but tons of movies that suck are awesome. That movie’s awesome.
Austin: That movie’s awesome!
Sylvia: Yeah, it sucks, but it’s awesome.
Austin: [laughs] This is us putting our…
Keith: Almost all of my favorite movies kind of suck.
Austin: Uh huh.
Sylvia: Yeah! Garbage is good sometimes!
Austin: God. Alright.
Keith: You know what’s a wild movie? [Sylvia chuckles]
Austin: What’s that?
Keith: If you get a chance, [chuckles] rewatch Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey. What an outrageously strange movie that is.
Austin: Oh, I bet.
Keith: Like, thinking that that was in theaters is so weird.
Austin: I saw the second one in theaters, which is wild.
Keith: Yeah.
Austin: Bogus, bogus, whatever.
Art: Yeah, I saw Bogus Journey in theaters.
Austin: This is the age diff— this is the generational difference, right here.
Keith: Yeah. Well, I saw it for the first time in like 2001.
Austin: Right.
Keith: Which is way after it came out.
Art: I'm gonna guess too far. [Sylvia laughs]
Austin: Yeah. Uh huh.
Keith: But it didn’t strike me as weird until I rewatched it last year, and I was like, I can’t believe that a movie this strange was in theaters.
Austin: Mm-hmm.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Art: Speaking of age differences, we had KB and Ali over for games and the Oscars yesterday, and we found out that KB had never heard of The Nanny.
Austin: This just happened to me, I think.
Keith: Wait, the what?
Austin: Someone else I know had never heard of The Nanny.
Sylvia: The Nanny?
Jack: The Nanny?
Art: The Nanny. The Fran Drescher sitcom.
Austin: Yeah. Uh huh. Yeah.
Sylvia: I…
Keith: I know it. I've never seen it.
Sylvia: I used to see it because it would come on TV really early before school.
Austin: Do we all know the thing from The Nanny?
Jack: No.
Sylvia: No.
Keith: No.
Austin: Art, you know what I'm talking about.
Art: I don't know if I know what the thing is.
Keith: [chuckles] You’re talking that Fran Drescher was the monster from The Thing?
Austin: [overlapping] Well, if you had to— [chuckles] if you had to like— I mean, basically. If you had to communicate...if you were doing like a game of charades, but the charades let you make a noise, could you give me The Nanny? [Sylvia laughs]
Art: Uh...yes? Yeah, the—
Austin: What would you do?
Art: That super nasally laugh?
Austin: Yeah, you’d do the super nasally laugh.
Art: That [imitates laugh]
Austin: Yeah, that’s exactly it.
Sylvia: That one. Yeah.
Austin: And then I'd be like, “Ah, The Nanny!”
Keith: Okay.
Austin: And everyone else on this call would look at me like I'd lost it.
Keith: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that the thing? Is that what you’re talking about?
Sylvia: No, I'd get that.
Austin: Yes, that’s the thing.
Keith: Oh, okay.
Austin: That is the thing. Fran Drescher is just...
Keith: [overlapping] I know that laugh from Fran Drescher in other things.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Austin: Totally, but it was like, imagine you built a show around that. [Keith laughs]
Art: Well, it’s like, in 2020 you definitely couldn’t make a sitcom where it’s like, “these white people in New York have never met Jews before,” which is like the…
Austin: That’s the premise.
Art: That is what The Nanny is.
Austin: Yeah.
Art: Yeah.
Austin: Yeah, I guess that is the actual premise of that show, yeah. [sighs]
Art: This white person in the entertainment industry [Austin laughs] knows no Jewish people. [laughs]
Austin: [laughing] Right, he was like a Broadway producer!
Art: [laughing] Yeah.
Austin: Oh, god. You have to live in New York, I guess. Anyway. [Sylvia laughs] We should do a podcast. Are we ready?
Art: Yeah.
Sylvia: Yeah!
Austin: Okay.
[musical transition: 0:23:49]
Sylvia: Yeah.
Art: I'm...I don’t wanna take a strong stance on any Star Wars ships, because the end of it all is I don’t—
Austin: I will. I will. I think the Star Destroyer is great.
Keith: I’ll take a strong anti-reylo stance.
Austin: Great ship.
Art: What’s that? Which one?
Austin: Star Destroyer, beautiful ship.
Art: Oh, yeah. What—
Sylvia: Tie fighter.
Art: Yeah, uh huh.
Keith: I like a Y-wing.
Austin: A Y-wing. Mwah! Love it.
Art: Mmm!
Austin: Great bombing vessel.
Keith: Yeah. That yellow? The yellow accents on a Y-wing?
Austin: [overlapping] The yellow. The yellow accents on a Y-wing. What are you gonna do?
Art: I've always been a B-wing person, which I feel puts me at odds with the Y-wing.
Austin: You know what I like?
Sylvia: Oh, there’s— okay.
Austin: You know what I like doesn’t get a lot of love?
Keith: I also like a B-wing.
Austin: Z-95 Headhunter. I like the Z-95 Headhunter.
Art: Mmm.
Austin: It’s not quite an X-wing, but it’s sharp. It’s kind of rustic.
Keith: Yeah.
Art: It’s weird that you would build that ship and be like—
Keith: Yeah.
Art: “You know what this needs. Those wings need to split in half.”
Austin: [laughs] I’m gonna need two of— [Keith laughs] Just, blop! There you go.
Sylvia: Yeah, that’s just the normal Star Wars ship.
Austin: Mm-hmm.
Sylvia: But…
Keith: Can I give a shoutout also to specifically Anakin’s Y-wing is very good.
Art: Anakin has a Y-wing? When did Anakin…
Keith: Yeah, Anakin has a Y-wing.
Art: The Y-wing is that old?
[pause]
Keith: Yes.
Austin: I dunno, that’s a good—
Art: I don’t understand manufacturing in Star Wars.
Austin: Well.
Sylvia: [amused sound] I don't understand manufacturing, end of sentence. [Austin laughs]
Keith: Neither does anyone who’s ever made a Star Wars movie, so it’s fine.
Austin: The BTL Y-wing starfighter was rolled out in...let’s see. [pause] In the Clone Wars, it looks like.
Keith: Yeah. It says— so, they say 40 years BBY, and someone’s like, “What does BBY mean?”
Austin: Before...before Y-wing.
Keith: [laughs] I just. All of the—
Austin: Didn’t they change it? Didn’t they change the timeline, I read? Did you hear this? They changed the calendar.
Keith: I don't know. I just mean all of the things...all of the things people use to denote time, like most of Star Wars takes place before.
Austin: Yes, well...yes, that’s...yeah. Mm-hmm.
Keith: So it’s like, there’s no…
Austin: It’s 22 BBY when the Y-wing rolled out, which is Before the Battle of Yavin. But I heard, recently, that they have changed the calendar to be before the battle of Starkiller Base.
Keith: Oh no.
Art: What?
Austin: Uh huh.
Keith: No, because that doesn’t make sense, because you have ABY is after the battle of Yavin. That’s how...it’s an important middle point where you can say things happened before and after it.
Art: I mean, the logical time point is actually Palpatine taking control, right?
Austin: Yes.
Art: That’s when the actual in-universe calendar would have been set.
Austin: That is when it should have— yes. A hundred percent.
Keith: Yeah.
Austin: Yeah, no, before Starkiller— BSI, Before Starkiller Incident, and After Starkiller Incident.
Sylvia: Okay.
Austin: Is what the new art book uses for everything.
Art: I hate it.
Sylvia: And Starkiller’s a name, right?
Art: No, Starkiller’s the…
Austin: Starkiller’s a place.
Art: A place.
Sylvia: Okay.
Keith: Starkiller...well—
Austin: Well, it’s a base.
Keith: Starkiller was the original Luke Skywalker name—
Sylvia: Okay.
Keith: —that they then used in Force Awakens.
Sylvia: That’s what I know it from.
Austin: So there is a Starkiller.
Art: And they used it in those games, right? You played as Starkiller in those...
Austin: Yes.
Keith: Yeah, yeah, sorry.
[many contributing Force Unleashed, the name of the game]
Keith: I meant Force Unleashed, yeah.
Art: So, is Starkiller Base named after that guy?
Austin: That guy’s not canon. That guy’s nothing.
Keith: They are both— no—
Sylvia: [chuckles] Wait.
Keith: They are both named after the original Luke Skywalker last name. He used to be called Luke Starkiller. They are both references to that.
Art: I know that, but—
Sylvia: You’re telling me the guy who killed Darth Vader isn’t canon.
Austin: No, no, no, no, Luke is.
Sylvia: No, I know.
Keith: Luke— okay.
Sylvia: But you can kill Darth Vader in that game!
Austin: Can you?
Sylvia: And become him. Yeah!
Austin: What? Is that a thing?
Keith: Yeah, yeah.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Keith: That game’s like— yeah.
Austin: Wow.
Keith: Yep, yep.
Sylvia: I’ll get the…
Keith: Yeah, that game’s not canon.
Austin: You like replace him?
Sylvia: It’s like the bad side ending.
Austin: That’s wild!
Sylvia: Yeah. And then you get like a...an alt costume. This is one of the few Star Wars things I actually know about. I feel really…
Austin: That’s cool.
Sylvia: very [??? 27:40]
Austin: I never got around to it.
Sylvia: It’s alright. It was a pretty standard Devil May Cry ripoff, [chuckles] from what I remember.
Austin: Right, yeah, uh huh.
Sylvia: But I like his weird hands and the way he holds his lightsaber backwards like that.
Austin: Darth Vader: He is dead. Palpatine. Sorry. “Darth Vader: [imitating Darth Vader] ‘He is dead.’ Palpatine: ‘Then he is now more powerful than ever!’ Darth Vader and Palpatine lament his death.”
Sylvia: Right, yeah, I think you get—
Austin: Is that one of the...
Sylvia: In the good version, you get killed—
Austin: Oh.
Sylvia: And then you get cloned in the sequel?
Austin: You get martyr-cloned?
Sylvia: And that’s how he’s back in the sequel.
Austin: Yeah. Good. Love to be cloned.
Keith: He’s back!
Sylvia: Yeah.
Austin: All that shit’s fake now.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Austin: So.
Keith: Yeah It was fake then, too.
Art: I didn’t know that those games were part of what was made fake.
Austin: Everything was made fake.
Keith: Every— yeah. Yep.
Sylvia: I have— I actually have news about Star Wars for you guys.
Keith: There was a couple things that they exempted.
Austin: Wait, what news? What—
Sylvia: It’s all fake.
Austin: No. [Sylvia chuckles]
Art: [doubtful] Mmm.
Austin: Uh, no. I think what you mean is it’s old.
Sylvia: Mmm.
Austin: It happened a long time ago.
Sylvia: Okay.
Keith: Right.
Austin: It’s not relevant to like my day-to-day life.
Keith: And very, very far away.
Austin: Right. Right. And sometime between then and now, all of the Whills were killed.
Sylvia: Right. I forgot about those.
Austin: And that’s why the Force is gone, 'cause there aren’t any more Whills.
Keith: Yeah.
Sylvia: I could not give a summary of any Star Wars movie, but I could tell you what Whills are—
Austin: This is— yeah.
Sylvia: Which is the— the internet’s ruined me.
Austin: Yes.
Keith: Yeah, I think that maybe this is why you think that Star Wars is dumb.
Sylvia: Yeah!
Keith: It is dumb, but it’s dumb in a good way. Not like the Whills, which are dumb in a bad way.
Sylvia: It’s like, I only know like, fuckin’ the Whills and jizz. I only know the worst stuff in Star Wars. Well—
Keith: No, jizz is great.
Sylvia: [suggestively] Tell me about it.
Keith: [sings Star Wars Cantina song] [Sylvia laughs] That’s great.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Austin: [laughing] Any female born after 1993… [Sylvia laughs] can’t cook. All they know is the Whills, jizz, [Keith laughs] charge they turbo-engine, twerk—
Sylvia: Oh my god!
Austin: Be bisexual, drink blue milk, and lie!
Sylvia: And Jedi mind trick.
Austin: [laughing] And Jedi mind trick.
Keith: The Whills are impressive because it takes pretty much the worst bit of lore about Star Wars and makes it...look actually really good in comparison.
[Timestamp: 0:30:05]
Art: I'm so afraid to admit that I have no idea what any of you are talking about right now.
Keith: No, it’s fine. It’s relevant to about zero percent—
Austin: Wait, what? The Whills?
Art: Yeah.
Austin: You don’t know about the Whills?
Art: I don’t—
Austin: What do you think the Whills is?
Keith: It’s relevant to about zero percent of star wars. Whills are little bugs that—
Austin: [overlapping] Wait, wait, wait, don’t say, dah dah dah!
Keith: Oh, okay. Okay.
Austin: Art.
Keith: Okay.
Austin: I'm gonna ask you a series of questions.
Art: Okay.
Austin: One, I just want a base level. If you could guess what the Whills are based on context clues, what would you think they were?
Art: Um, I assume that it’s...I mean...I assume that...I mean, well, I hadn’t heard you say “The Whills” before.
Austin: Ah.
Art: So I was assuming it was some sort of gumption, some sort of metal. People don’t have “the Will” anymore.
Austin: Right. Right. No. What if I told you it was spelled W-H-I-L-L-S?
Art: Mmm. Is it a name?
Sylvia: Hmm?
Austin: Like...yeah! But not like a person’s name, but it’s a name. It’s a proper noun.
Art: Mmm. So it’s not like...'cause in Star Wars, people got some strange names.
Austin: [laughing] We can’t do “Who’s On First” in Star Wars, which I see you teeing up.
Art: [feigning ignorance] I don't know what you’re talking about.
Austin: [laughs] Who’s on, first. “Who’s on” spelled...eh, some weird Star Wars way.
Sylvia: H-U-Z-O-N?
Austin: Yeah, uh huh. So, the Whills.
Keith: Zed Oh En is also a Star Wars name.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Austin: [laughs] That’s a bounty hunting droid, I think. [Keith laughs] Z-ON. They are a group of people. Does that help?
Art: No. I don't know who they are. [Sylvia struggles not to laugh]
Austin: How do you think the Force works? [Sylvia and Keith laugh]
Art: Well, that’s easy. The Force is a living energy that binds all things.
Austin: Living in what way? [Sylvia laughs]
Art: Um...I think sort of like...it’s like a collection of the human spirit. And this is a space thing with aliens, so I use “human” to...human is how I would say it on Earth. I assume they have a more…
Keith: Humanoid.
Art: Graceful ways…
Austin: Like creatures of a certain degree of intelligence is what you mean.
Art: Right, yeah.
Austin: Okay.
Art: Maybe even not. Maybe just creatures.
Jack: Hi.
Austin: So, is it— is the force a— hi, Jack. How is the Force alive, would you say?
Jack: Great question. [Sylvia laughs]
Austin: Like, is it alive the way a cow is alive?
Art: No.
Austin: Is it alive the way algae is alive? Is it alive the...like, what’s it Alive like?
Art: I think it’s alive like a metaphor is alive.
Austin: No.
Sylvia: Yeah….
Keith: Bad news.
Austin: Terrible news for you, bud.
Keith: The Force is microscopic luck that little men called the Whills carry around inside people’s bodies.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Art: Is this midichlorians?
Keith: They’re—
Austin: Well—
Keith: No. Midichlorians is microscopic luck, and the Whills are how it delivers it to you.
Sylvia: I could quote George Lucas on this.
Austin: Thank you.
Sylvia: “The midichlorians are the ones that communicate with the Whills. The Whills, in a general sense, they are the force.” George Lucas.
Austin: There you go.
Art: This is a—[incredulous] George Lucas said this?
Sylvia: Yeah!
Austin: George Lucas conceived of them as being like...there were these little tiny baby microscopic creatures called Whills. Some of them were shamans. And those shamans are the ones who helped create the Jedi order on Jedha, I believe, right?
Keith: Right.
Jack: What does a Whill look like?
Austin: No.
Sylvia: No one knows.
Keith: No one knows.
Sylvia: Okay, so, in googling this, in trying to find out, people seem to have just like, Snoke, and like…
Austin: No.
Sylvia: What if that was small? And I'm like, that’s not right.
Austin: No. Wrong. Incorrect.
Keith: There’s another...there’s like a little fire men that people think they might look like?
Austin: Baby.
Keith: What are those called? Austin, you know the little fire men?
Austin: No, I don't know the little fire men.
Sylvia: That’s the picture I keep seeing on Google.
Art: What is this from? When did this…?
Austin: Star Wars.
Art: No, but like...no one in a movie ever says this, so where is it…
Austin: Does anyone know this?
Jack: What was it originally called? Like the Whills...have a good time? The working title of Star Wars was like Revenge of the Whills or something.
Sylvia: I think…
Austin: Uh, it was...fuck, there was...
Sylvia: James Cameron put out a book that George Lucas had a segment in.
Jack: Oh, yes!
Sylvia: And talked about how the...or maybe he didn’t talk about it there, but the sequel trilogy was supposed to involve this in some way.
Austin: Yes, a hundred percent.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Austin: “Originally, I was trying to have this story told by someone else. An immortal being known as a Whill. There was somebody watching the whole story and recording it, and someone probably wiser than the mortal players in the actual events. I have actually dropped this idea, and the concept of the Whills turned into the Force, but the Whills became part of the massive amount of notes, quotes, background information that I use for the scripts—”
Jack: Lore. [chuckles]
Austin: “The stories were actually taken from the Journal of the Whills.” [Jack sighs]
Art: Why?
Sylvia: 'Cause it’s George Lucas!
Austin: ‘Cause it’s George Lucas.
Keith: He’s just George Lucas. Although, technically, that does mean that it was an idea that he threw away, 'cause it wasn’t as good.
Austin: No, they’re in books—
Keith: They’re in books?
Austin: They’re in contemporarily still-canon books. They’re in…
Keith: Since...
Austin: Yes.
Keith: But like from George Lucas era.
Austin: Both. Both eras now.
Keith: Both, okay.
Austin: They are in books and stories. Like, they’re in like the Revenge of the Sith novelization, which is George Lucas era. Because they are who taught Qui-Gon Jinn how to become immortal.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Austin: You know Force ghosts?
Keith: Yeah.
Austin: A little Whill shaman, a microscopic shaman, taught Qui-Gon Jinn how to do that. Which is how Obi-Wan learned how to do that, eventually.
Sylvia: Apparently it was originally— I'm look— I'm on Wookieepedia, 'cause of course.
Keith: Yeah.
Austin: Yes.
Keith: That’s what I know them from, is from that.
Sylvia: I didn’t realize that the Whills were in the script from Revenge of the Sith, like mentioned in it, but were scrapped from the final movie. [chuckles]
Austin: Wow. Well, and they’re in Rogue One, right? Like the Guardian of the Whills, that order that the monk is from.
Keith: Yeah.
Austin: Is that’s—
Keith: That was a movie that we heard, not listened to, so nobody knew what he was talking about.
Austin: Exactly. And then in the most recent...in one of the recent short story collections, From a Certain Point of View, the one that has a bunch of authors in it, you know. But there is a story just called “Whills” that is about Whills talking about Star Wars. It’s infuriating to read about. It’s upsetting to read about. It’s about...an unidentified Whill opens with the exposition, “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.”
Jack: No! [Art groans]
Austin: A second Whill criticizes his choice of the words “far away.” Just a note, I guess these…
Keith: Because they live there.
Austin: They live there. And also, I just want to note—
Keith: We live here.
Austin: —that the Whills definitely have gender, apparently, because of course they would.
Sylvia: Well, of course! Like, you know.
Austin: They are the intrinsic beings of, yeah.
Keith: Look, everybody has the midichlorians communicating with the Force inside them, and sometimes the Force is people, and it’s having sex and having gender and babies.
Austin: [overlapping] Sometimes the...and they’re boning. Yes. “The first Whill asserts his authority and points out to the rest of the Whills appointed him to write the journal.” This continues in general. This just keeps...they’re talking about what evil is. Is the empire actually evil? Why are we not telling the story of the Clone Wars? This is bad.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Keith: How much power does a baby Whills have?
Austin: I think it’s a baby Whill.
[brief pause]
Sylvia: Baby will what?
Austin: Third base! [Sylvia laughs]
Keith: Yeah, baby will what? [laughs]
Art: Yeah, now who wishes they had done [Austin laughs] Star Wars Who’s On First?
Austin: [laughs] Ah. Alright. We should figure out what we’re doing.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Austin: I did a bunch of math. I think we should at least finish off this little bit.
Sylvia: Mm-hmm.
Austin: And then we’ll see what we want to do. Does that sound good?
Sylvia: Yeah.
Jack: Yeah.
Austin: Alright.
Keith: Wisties! They’re called Wisties.
Sylvia: They are not called Wisties.
Keith: No, no, the fire people that I was talking about?
Sylvia: Okay.
Austin: I don’t—
Sylvia: I th—
Keith: “Wisties, also called firefolk, flutterglows, or fire spirits—”
Jack: [exasperated] Of course.
Keith: —were sentient species native to the moon of Endor.”
Austin: Those are fireflies. Fireflies.
Sylvia: I thought you meant the baby was called a Wistie, and I was about to just like leave.
Austin: God.
Keith: [laughs] No. Some people...people who have, I guess, nothing better to do, have been like, “maybe the Wisties are like—”
Austin: Are the Whills.
Jack: The Whill-adjacent, yeah.
Keith: Or maybe they look the same.
Jack: Uh huh.
Austin: The Whill of the Wisties.
Jack: This is bullshit.
Sylvia: Yeah. It is.
Keith: I'm so glad that’s not the part of Star Wars that I care about.
Sylvia: All bullshit.
Austin: Me too.
Keith: Is whether or not the Whills are similar to the Wisties. [Sylvia laughs]
Austin: I feel like they can’t be. Wisties are big enough to see. I feel like you can’t see a Whill.
Keith: Yeah.
Sylvia: But—
Keith: The thing is—
Jack: What if you can’t see a Whill because they’re gigantic?
Sylvia: We can see Whills well enough to know that they are binary gendered. [Austin and Jack laugh] We do know that.
Art: What’s a Wistie?
Austin: Here, I'm showing you a Wistie.
Jack: Oh, fiery!
Austin: Here’s a picture of a Wistie.
Jack: Little fiery thing.
Keith: That’s a Wistie. Well, so, Wisties are also made of energy [Jack chuckles] and are also probably immortal.
Austin: Immortal? Fuck off, immortal!
Jack: What breed is your dog? Oh, he’s a Wistie. [Austin and Jack laugh] I got him from… [Austin and Art sigh]
Austin: Okay.
Keith: They had a form of government! They had a queen.
Austin: Stop. We have to keep going.
Keith: Wisties have a queen. I’m the queen Wistie. [Sylvia sighs]
Austin: So, at this point—
Keith: [imitating queen] Hellooo!
Austin: Stop. [Jack and Keith laugh]
Sylvia: I swear to god!
[musical transition: 0:39:45]
Art: I mean, on some level, I wish that Mabel would learn the cause and effect of eating stuff that’s poison and having to spend all day in the vet’s office, because she does not like going there. But on the other hand, at this point, maybe she would have learned that she’s indestructible and would only get more brazen.
Janine: I bet the cause and effect’s not immediate enough, right? Like, she’ll eat the thing and then go on living her life for a bit until it’s noticed that she ate the thing.
Art: Mmm.
Janine: And then to her it’s just like, “What? I had to spend all this time at the vet because I was sitting on the floor?”
Art: Yeah, uh huh.
Janine: That’d be my guess, is pets don't have a good sense of like...Annie cannot put together when I kick her out of my room the second after she scratches my very expensive chair, that that is attached somehow. She thinks I'm just going to the bathroom and then decide not to and then close the door in her face or something. I don't know. Pets.
Art: Yeah, it’s a shame that we’ve decided it’s unethical to keep the kind of animal that could make those connections.
Janine: [laughs] That’s true.
Sylvia: [chuckles] Hey.
Art: Hey.
Sylvia: How is everybody?
Art: Great, how are you?
Janine: Hey, I just found a picture I don’t understand. A dog and a microwave and a treat. I don’t understand what this...does.
Austin: “After your dog enjoys the chew, take the end piece away and put end of chew in microwave on high for 45 seconds—”
Art: Mm-hmm.
Austin: “And cool for 2 minutes. Once cheese is puffed…”
Art: Yeah, this is the best part of the yak cheese we give Mabel, is that…
Sylvia: Okay.
Janine: Okay, so this is related. Okay.
Art: Mm-hmm.
Janine: What?
Art: Once it becomes a choking hazard.
Janine: Oh, right, choking.
Art: You know, it gets too small, you take it and—
Austin: You puff it up.
Art: 45 seconds seems a little long. But it puffs up, and then it’s a new unchokable chew. I mean, not...I don't know about unchokeable...
Janine: Like a cheeto? Like a Yak cheeto?
Art: Yeah, cheeto adjacent.
Austin: Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Art: I think it’s a little denser than a cheeto.
Austin: I feel like I'm missing...do they eat the cheese?
Art: Mm-hmm.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Art: It’s hard. It’s like a smoked…
Austin: Okay.
Art: And then you puff it. And I guess it’s— that’s why it’s harder than a cheeto, is because it starts very hard.
Austin: Okay.
Art: And I've learned that you can’t do it in advance. You have to give it to her immediately, because if you leave it out on the counter overnight, it will get too hard for her to chew.
Austin: Oh, I see.
Art: And then she just like tries to bite it and cries.
Janine: [sympathetic] Aw!
Austin: Aw! Mabel!
Art: Yeah, and it takes her a couple—
Austin: Is Mabel okay? Is everything alright?
Art: Yeah, she’s fine. I mean, we’re— I don’t think we’ve gotten the final X-ray results back, but she’s fine.
Austin: Okay.
Art: She ate a bunch of hard plastic. It’s not causing a blockage. We have to give her bland food for three days, which is…
Janine: You’re burying the lede. She ate an entire drinking straw out of one of those water bottles, like reusable…
Art: Mmm, yes, yes
Janine: One of those hard-ass straws.
Austin: How?
Art: She ate like an eight inch plastic straw. [Janine chuckles]
Austin: Yikes! [brief pause] Alright, we are officially live. I haven’t sent the— I haven’t made a tweet or a post yet, but we are live, just so people know.
Janine: I gotta be honest, I am a straw chewer. I'm not as bad as I used to be when I was little. I was a very bad straw chewer. But one of the things that I...when I look for reusable plastic things with straws and stuff is I need to make sure that straw is sturdy. I never actually had a problem with a flimsy straw, because those things are always so fuckin’ sturdy. I can’t imagine eating a whole one of those.
Art: No.
Janine: Even the softest one I've ever used. I can't imagine.
Art: No, it’s rough. And in California it’s all paper straws now. We...
Austin: Mmm.
Art: That’s the only plastic straw, I think, in our whole house. We have that and we have some...we have like a metal reusable and we have a silicone reusable.
Janine: [overlapping] Even for reusable straws? Mmm. I have a metal one, but it’s...I don't know, something about it bothers me. Also that lady died with a metal straw, and that’s scary.
Art: Yeah. I appreciate the efforts to save the Earth, but I think that places that sell milkshakes should be exempted from paper straws, because paper straws are not suitable for milkshakes.
Austin: Mmm.
Janine: No.
Art: Can you link the screen on the…
Austin: Yes, I can. There we go.
Janine: Man, what happened— what do they do about boba?
Art: I haven’t been. I have to—
Janine: You can’t do a paper boba straw. That’s nothing.
Sylvia: Yeah, I think they still do plastic at places I've gone to.
Austin: They must break the law.
Janine: Illicit boba straws.
Austin: Mmm.
Janine: That’s my new racket.
Austin: I'm looking at articles here. This group began using a nine inch long corn boba straw made by Lollicup.
Art: Oh, terrible name.
Austin: I didn’t name it. Don’t look at me. [Art chuckles]
Janine: Is it bioplastic or is it corn? Like is it crunchy?
Austin: It’s probably bioplastic.
Janine: Okay.
Austin: Oh, they got— that company got bought by a place called Karat, I think, and—
Janine: Do they make carrot straws now? Or is that unrelated?
Austin: No, Karat with a K.
Janine: Like, carrot starts with a K now?
Austin: Like diamonds.
Janine: Oh.
Austin: They— no.
Janine: [chuckles] Do they make diamond straws?
Austin: I don’t think they make...I don't know that they make these straws at all, because it’s just redirected to the main page and said “No, we don’t have that anymore,” so. Oh, wait, wait, wait, here we go. They have a sub— they have a whole tea zone, and I bet this tea zone is all about tea straws, boba straws. There are alternatives, is the thing I'm seeing. Oh, wait, maybe not. I don't see them here. Hmm. Anyway, I promise you people are gonna try to make money on this. This other place—
Art: Definitely. I mean, people are gonna—
Austin: —has metal reusable straws that they use? That must only be for in-house boba.
Art: Yeah, that can't be…
Janine: I don’t want a restaurant straw, a restaurant reusable straw. Those things are very hard to clean, and like I don't even trust myself to do it right, and I have a tiny little brush.
Austin: Yeah… Okay, what about this? What about you buy your own reusable straw, and then that is like your card for bonuses?
Janine: Oooh.
Austin: That’s what this company, this one place does.
Janine: That’s cool.
Austin: They sell reusable metal boba straws that earn customers free add-ons each time they’re used.
Janine: I hope they’re not expensive, though.
Austin: I bet they’re expensive. I mean, what’s expensive?
Janine: I mean, reusable straws are...it depends.
Art: A boba-sized straw would be easier to clean, though, right?
Austin: Yeah.
Janine: That’s true. That is true.
Austin: You can get a pipe cleaner in there or something, right? That’s…
Art: Yeah.
Janine: You can get a pipe cleaner in a normal sized straw.
Austin: That’s fair.
Janine: That’s what they’re for, basically.
Austin: I thought they were for pipes.
Janine: Small pipes.
Austin: Eh. Fair. We should do a time.is. I don't think anyone is in the chat yet, except for us. It’s live. I posted it. I did post it.
Sylvia: What the hell?
Janine: I should retweet it.
Art: Did we add— did we say it was gonna happen?
Austin: No. Yesterday, I did, during my Drawing Maps I did, but that’s not real adververtising.
Sylvia: Discord?
Austin: Yeah, I'll link it in the Discord.
Sylvia: Yeah. Okay, people are starting to show up.
Austin: Okay. Just give it a second, you know.
Janine: There’s the tweet.
Austin: Test? Okay. I think I'm back. I think I'm better. I think I'm back and better.
Janine: You’re a little noisy.
Art: You’re a little...yeah. And a little percussive?
Austin: Hmm. Alright. Well, I was just...how about now?
Art: Better now. Yeah, that’s better. Yeah.
Austin: That was just I turned my mic up too high. And the noise is a fan, because my room is really hot. Should we just hop into it? Do y'all just want to go?
Art: Yeah, I…
Austin: We gotta do a time.is. That’s what we gotta do. We gotta do a time.is.
Janine: Mm-hmm.
Art: Yeah, we gotta clap.
Austin: Phew.
Art: Did they change the font back?
Austin: Oh my god. Maybe you changed the font back.
Art: Mmm. That doesn’t sound like me.
Janine: It’s not a day! It’s not a day.
Austin: [sighs] It’s a Wednesday.
Janine: [laughs] No, it’s not a special day. There’s no thing.
Austin: Yeah. There’s no thing.
Janine: It’s not International…
Sylvia: Damn, the quote is from unknown, too.
Janine: Mute Day.
Sylvia: This is ominous.
Austin: This is a dark day.
Janine: Spooky.
Austin: Listen, I went to holidayscalendar.com, and it’s telling me [Art laughs] that today is National Lash Day.
Sylvia: Okay. Yeah.
Janine: What kind of lash?
Sylvia: I’ll celebrate that.
Austin: False eyelashes.
Janine: Oh.
Sylvia: Oh, okay.
Austin: It’s an opportunity to benefit— to explore the benefits, the fashion of lashes.
Janine: Yeah, okay.
Austin: Even Smithsonian Magazine says this is true. Ooh, and they have— oh. I went “ooh,” and then I read the title. I went “ooh,” because it was like cool art deco ads for fake eyelashes, and then I read the headline, which was “Three Horrifying Pre-FDA Cosmetics,” so that sounds like it’s gonna be terrible. Lash lore: pretty packaging, but bad news for wake up— wake up. For makeup wearers. It’s also...uh...National Chocolate Mint Day.
Art: Like an Andes mint?
Austin: Like an Andes mint. I bet the entire chocolate mint industry came together for this one. I don't know that it’s really doing it. I don't know that it’s really gotten over, you know? This is the first time I'm hearing about it.
Art: If they can’t make time.is, what are they even doing?
Austin: Yeah, if you can’t get time.is. This also says National Vet Girls Rock Day.
Sylvia: Yeah!
Austin: I'm guessing that means…
Art: Veterinarian or veteran, do you think?
Sylvia: [disappointed] Oh. Never mind, then.
Austin: I think it’s veterans, unfortunately. I mean, listen.
Sylvia: It— no. Mmm.
[Timestamp: 0:50:00]
Austin: More women drone pilots.
Sylvia: Ugh. I was excited for all the horse girls, and never mind.
Austin: No. Not horse— it’s not National Horse Girls Day. That’s a different day.
Art: Which day is that?
Austin: [slowly, as if typing] National Horse Girls Day...uh, National I Love Horses Day is July 15. [Sylvia laughs] But National Horse Girl Day, the internet says, is June 9.
Art: No it doesn’t!
Austin: It does. But also, National Horse Day is December 13.
Art: Well, that’s for the horses.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Austin: Yeah, that’s not for the girls, it’s for the horses.
Janine: Mine says December 13.
Austin: You’re in Canada.
Janine: Oh, yeah.
Austin: Google knows.
Art: Different nation, yeah.
Austin: Different nation, different horse girls.
Janine: Also it’s a leap year, so.
Austin: Yeah. Throws everything off. We should actually clap, [Janine chuckles] before I forget that that’s a thing we have to do.
Janine: 55?
Austin: 55.
Art: I wish I could remember the name for the sport of having horses jump.
[they clap]
Sylvia: I think it’s dressage.
Janine: I think dressage is the—
Art: Dressage is the dancing.
Janine: Yeah, it’s the one where they dance.
Sylvia: Oh, okay, it’s dancing. Damn.
Janine: That’s the…
Austin: [googling] Horse jumping sport. Horse jumping. Show jumping. It’s just called show jumping—
Janine: Oh.
Austin: —or stadium jumping or open jumping or jumping.
Sylvia: Okay.
Art: So it’s a show jump year?
Austin: It’s a show jump year. Uh huh. Yes. It’s also...apparently there’s a subdivision— okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay, so. Show jumping is a part of a group of English riding equestrian events that also includes dressage, eventing—which is...that seems broad—ah, hunters? Hunters is the name of the event, and equitation, which is a great word.
Janine: Is that horse swimming?
Austin: I closed the page. But no, it’s the practice of horseriding or horsemanship. Equitation or horsemanship. I feel like that’s, again, a little broad. Alright.
Janine: There’s a really good...I just, shoutouts— I want to shoutout— there’s a Lucy Worsley documentary that’s all just about how the fashion in horse sport—
Austin: Mmm.
Janine: —in England changed because of warfare, basically? Like, jousting fell out of favor, because the way warfare changed made it so that dressage and extreme control of horse movements made more sense than just charging straight on.
Austin: Sure.
Sylvia: Oh.
Janine: And then when stuff evolved further, dressage kind of fell out of favor, because it was like, why the fuck...who the fuck cares if your horse can walk fancy? Cannons.
Austin: Right. Yeah. Okay, cannons, yeah.
Janine: Yeah. I don’t remember what that documentary was called, but I'm pretty sure there’s only one Lucy Worsley horse documentary, so you’ll figure it out. [chuckles]
Austin: I’m doing my research.
Janine: Also, she spends that whole thing flirting with the guy. She’s learning to ride a horse during that— [Sylvia laughs]
Austin: Oh, Janine—
Janine: And she just flirts with the dude constantly. I love her.
Austin: Do you mean Lucy Worsley’s Reins of Power: The Art of Horse Dancing?
Janine: Yes. Yes.
Sylvia: Oh my god. [Austin laughs]
Janine: She’s just hitting on the dude constantly, because she’s Lucy Worsley and she can wear as many vintage dresses as she wants.
Austin: Perfect. Good for Lucy, honestly. More like Lucy Horsely.
Janine: Eh.
Austin: ‘Cause she did a horse documentary. I'm tired.
Sylvia: Eh, it’s all right.
Austin: Alright. Ready to do a show?
[musical transition: 0:53:33]]
Janine: I just logged into Roll20 and I saw the last thing that Keith said in the chat was “militarito.”
Austin: I don't even know what that’s a reference to.
Janine: And that’s my Final Fantasy XIV Lalafell OC [Austin laughs] that I am inserting into the story.
Dre: No, that’s your...you can make that your...oh, fuck, what are they called? The people who sell things for you.
Austin: Retainer.
Dre: Retainer, yeah.
Austin: Yeah.
Janine: I would never have a Lalafell retainer in my entire life ever.
Dre: Wow.
Austin: Militarito is Zechs Merquise’s real name.
Dre: Mmm.
Austin: Militarito Peacecraft. [chuckles] [Janine laughs]
Dre: That’s not true, Austin.
Austin: It’s close!
Janine: It’s funny, though. It is very close.
Dre: It is uncomfortably close. [Dre and Austin laugh]
Janine: Well, he’s a Lalafell, so.
Austin: [laughs] Yeah, Zechs is a Lalafell. No, Zechs is just Estinien.
Dre: Don't...I mean, you’re not wrong—
Janine: Mmm.
Austin: We can’t go down this path. We can't go down this path, but...
Dre: [sighs] You’re not wrong. Well, no—
Austin: I know!
Dre: You are wrong. You are wrong.
Austin: I know.
Dre: But, like…
Janine: Zechs has money. That’s a big thing.
Dre: The Estinien you know, you’re not wrong.
Austin: Uh, I know a different— I beat Stormblood this week. [laughs]
Dre: Mmm.
Austin: I saw the end of that— I mean, maybe Shadowbringers Estinien makes another turn.
Dre: Yeah, yeah.
Austin: But, right now, he finally did the thing that he should have fuckin’ done at the end of that last one, Heavensward.
Dre: Mm-hmm.
Austin: [sighs] God.
Janine: Don’t spoil it for Ali.
Austin: I'm not. I bit my tongue.
Dre: Please.
Austin: I was gonna say some more, and I didn’t say shit.
Janine: [laughs] Estinien’s an important character in Ali’s storyline.
Austin: Sorry. Apologies to Ali.
Dre: Please don't be mean to my problematic Final Fantasy boyfriend.
Austin: God.
Dre: Please don't be mean to him.
Austin: Yeah.
Janine: I still like Amerith more, but I've warmed up.
Austin: Mm-hmm. Ali, yeah, the other crew, are you looking at the clocks on the map?
Ali: Yeah.
Austin: It’s fine.
Ali: [laughing] Also, guess who’s still in A Realm Reborn post-game.
Austin: Oh, no. How far in are you?
Janine: It’s…
Ali: I haven’t played for a bit, in my defense and in that game’s defense, but…
Dre: No, it’s bad. [Ali chuckles] There’s no defending it.
Janine: That’s not— no. Yeah, no, there is no defending that part of the game. [Ali laughs]
Austin: Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.
Dre: Yeah. I got...
Austin: There’s stuff in it that I think is cool, and I think it ends well.
Dre: Mm-hmm.
Austin: But there’s too much of it.
Dre: Yeah.
Janine: Yeah.
Ali: Mmm. Yeah, I bet. Anyway.
Austin: We—
Ali: There’s no day today.
Austin: This is the second one of these in a row where there hasn’t been a day.
Janine: Did they start like hiding the days or something? Did they…
Austin: They got rid of days.
Janine: Did they catch us sassing them and…
Austin: Maybe. They felt bad. What if they’re listening? Who owns this site? [Ali laughs] Like, genuinely? [Janine exhale-laughs] Who is…
Ali: We should try to get like an endorsement. [laughs]
Austin: A time.is—
Dre: Mm-hmm.
Austin: They’re the only— yeah, absolutely.
Ali: The only one we’ll say yes to.
Dre: It’s a good quote for today, though.
Austin: What is it?
Dre: “If time flies when you’re having fun, it hits the afterburners when you don’t think you’re having enough.”
Austin: [confused] What? Okay.
Janine: I think the opposite, actually. [Ali laughs]
Austin: That’s the opposite of true, Jef Mallett.
Dre: Who’s Jef...
Janine: Jef with one F.
Ali: What’s that mean?
Dre: Jef with one F. Who is Jef Mallett?
Austin: I don't know. He’s a creator and artist with a nationally syndicated comic strip Frazz.
Dre: I've never heard of that comic in my life. [Dre, Janine, and Austin laugh]
Ali: What is he trying to say?
Austin: I think he’s saying like…
Janine: I bet that’s about cats or businessmen, either one.
Austin: I think he’s trying to— I think it’s about a little kid.
Janine: Oh, okay.
Austin: This is like offbrand...this looks like offbrand a lot of different things. Wait—
Dre: This looks like offbrand Calvin and Hobbes.
Austin: This is like what if Calvin grew up and had a kid.
Dre: Oh.
Austin: That’s what that looks like to me. Wait.
Dre: It does look like that, and I…
Ali: Yeah.
Dre: It looks so much like that, I'm surprised he has not been sued by Bill Waterson.
Austin: [typing] Frazz comic?
Janine: Oh my god. Whoa!
Austin: Right?
Janine: Whoa!
Austin: Right?
Janine: That’s like…
Austin: “Because of similarities to calligraphic style, Frazz’s physical appearance, station in life as a brilliant underachiever, and his relation— wait, sorry, his age relative to Calvin of Calvin and Hobbes, jokes and rumors arrive that Mallett was actually Bill Waterson, as well as accusations that Frazz was an unauthorized sequel to Waterson’s strip and that Frazz is Calvin as an adult. Others, who—says Wikipedia [chuckles]—compared Calvin and Hobbes’s Miss Wormwood and Susie Dirkins to Frazz’s Mrs. Olsen and Miss Plainwell, citation needed. In a 2006 series of strips, Frazz and Caulfield invented a game called Bedlam Ball, that like Calvinball has apparently no rules or scoring.” You can't just do that! You can’t just put—
Dre: Yeah, this is fucked up.
Austin: “Mallett was flattered by the comparison and acknowledges Waterson’s influence, but denies that he is Waterson or Frazz is intended as a copy or replacement of or sequel to Calvin and Hobbes.”
Janine: But also, if I was gonna be a secret comic artist to do a secret sequel of my other comic, [Austin sighs] and I had to pick a name, I would probably pick Jef with one F, because that’s definitely like an anagram for something.
Austin: Yeah.
Janine: Like flamelit.
Austin: Just eh funnin’...
Janine: Flamelit is the only—
Austin: What?
Janine: That’s the only one that’s valid on Scrabble, so that doesn’t really say much, but.
Austin: Flamelit?
Janine: That’s an anagram.
Austin: For what?
Janine: Except for there’s no J.
Austin: Oh, for Jef Mallett.
Janine: There’s no complete anagram.
Austin: I see what you’re saying.
Janine: So maybe his name is like...I don't know. It’s not gonna be clean, but…
Austin: [chuckles] I think...I’m now in conspiracy theory mode. I'm gonna close this. What if it’s him? [Ali laughs]
Janine: I think it’s him.
Dre: I’m with you, a hundred percent.
Janine: Look at the faces!
Austin: I know.
Janine: Look at the faces.
Austin: I know.
Janine: What publication, what comic syndication whatever the fuck, would see those faces and be like, “Oh, you’re just some guy? Yeah, okay.”
Austin: Yeah, come on.
Janine: Like, no, these are the guy’s faces.
Dre: Or how has he not been sued by Bill Waterson?
Austin: Exactly.
Janine: Yeah. Those are his faces.
Austin: Those are his faces. Alright. We should clap.
Dre: Okay.
Ali: Sure. [Dre chuckles] 25?
Austin: 25.
[they pause, then clap]
Austin: What were we doing?
[end music plays]