For a very, very long time I’ve sat in my own (mostly) silence about my abusive relationship that had started in 2020 and ended in 2023. I’m going to address this firstly, I know I’m not a perfect human in this situation either. I was also toxic in retaliation to his abuse, I no longer could cry and beg him to stop, he wouldn’t listen to that anymore. Somewhere down the line you learn to fight fire with fire. I’ve mentioned bits and pieces of my story verbally, and of course I know anything I say will not change your mind about me and that’s okay. The purpose of this post is me finally being brave and sharing the things I went through. I’m going to talk about our relationship, the dynamics and the abuse that would occur, and ultimately why he ended up doing his “exposing” stream about me. I understand time has passed, but that doesn’t mean I don’t sit with the PTSD and crippling anxiety I formed from the relationship and events after. I know that thankfully I have grown and changed into a completely new person, and I’m hoping the same for my ex partner. This is about healing, this isn’t to set up a witch hunt, what’s done has been done. But I deserve to share my side.

We started dating and like any other relationship we instantly clicked. We were good for a few months until he started to accuse me of dating him for “clout” and began to call me a leech, among other names, this happened multiple times through out our relationship. The fighting had gotten worse and worse, the names more vile like “e slut, whore”.

This screen shot is included bc idgaf, he made me so insecure about my own “friend”

I wasn’t allowed to speak to men in RP, or irl. I wasn’t allowed to go out, because it was Covid so it didn’t matter too much. But I wasn’t allowed to get on the server with my friends, not allowed to play VR chat. Meanwhile I had later found out he was cheating on me since the start of our relationship and I don’t even know how many women total it was. I had only found this out at the end of our relationship. You can call me stupid for not assuming so because he didn’t allow me to tell a single soul we had dated. I felt isolated, scared to say anything to anyone and the one friend I had told about the abuse begged me to leave… as well as my mother when she would hear me throw up and cry at night due to his verbal abuse. He was also on the phone hearing the same thing.

We had gotten an apartment together. He signed the lease and everything, we were to share the apartment and split it even. But, he had offered to pay a larger sum of the apartment because he had been making more money at the time. He never moved in or came to that apartment once because he was actively cheating on me when the lease was signed, unknowingly to me obviously. I found out about one single girl he had cheated on me with. I, as a person who had been cheated on, went insane. Someone who had been putting me through hell for years was also cheating on me. We try to work it out, we aren’t together, and I go to LA. I flirt with a guy at a party, I don’t kiss him, I don’t touch him. I go home. I tell him about it because I had felt guilty, and of course me being bitch made and scared of this man, I’m begging him to forgive me because I’m stupid. I say incredibly terrible things, I threaten things. I do the things he had been doing to me. It’s not right, I regret those words and I’d never leave this earth as long as my mf cats are alive best believe.

As for the texts about money, I was also finding out he had been cheating on me. I was distraught, I was scared, I was fucking furious. THREE YEARS of my life was a lie. We were sharing an apartment and I was in a panic that I wasn’t going to be able to afford it. Should I have gone about it another way? Yes. Was I happy or calm when I did it? Well no he was abusing and cheating on me. I never blackmailed him. I never shared his public information. If that is blackmail then the time he had threatened to leak my nudes on Reddit was also blackmail. This relationship was incredibly toxic, start to finish.

As for his ban from Nopixel, I still had nothing to do with it to this day. I actually don’t know the complete story or truth because Nopixel kept me in the dark and only asked me questions about him. I was only hearing things from him. I was so confused, the amount of messages and things that were going on all the while I had just found out he cheated on me a month or so prior. And then find out there was more. I have genuinely no fucking idea, STILL. I have so many unresolved questions and will always wonder what the fuck happened. I wish Nopixel reached out after everything, maybe asked if I was okay or I needed help. This isn’t me asking to come back, I’ve come to terms with them not wanting me back due to this whole situation which is why silence isn’t an option for me anymore. I’m sharing why he even did that stream in the first place which he has already shared - anon accounts had told him I had gone to the NP admins to get him banned. BUT, also he also had found out that I moved on because a stalker saw I followed a man on Instagram. I had been seeing someone else finally after moving on from him, and he decided to do the entire stream defaming me a few days later.

The words I used that were and still are unacceptable, I will take responsibility every single time and I have apologized and will continue to to the people I’ve hurt.

Our relationship was terrible, but I didn’t deserve the things that I endured.

Thank you for reading, use your voice. You are not small.

Don’t be silenced.