Sara Gardner-Heart
Saposnek
Psych 179B
6 June 2013
The Gay Divorce: Existing Research and Perspectives from an Adult Child of Same-Sex Parents
Introduction
In a country where 50% of first marriages end in divorce around one million children each year experience this confusing, sad event. A very small, but important, group of these children were raised in families headed by same-sex parents. The U.S. Census Bureau (2010) estimated that one-third of lesbian and one-fifth of gay male households are raising children. Most of these children are likely the product of a previous opposite-sex relationship, although it is hard to say exactly how many (Gates 2009). This paper focuses on the experiences of children who were born into families with same-sex parents. I will draw from the very limited research on this topic to provide suggestions for increasing a divorcing same-sex family’s resilience. I will also include my own insight as an adult child of a same-sex divorce. For the purpose of this paper, I will refer to same-sex relationship dissolutions as divorces, regardless of the legal standing of the partnership. This is because children view any permanent parental separation as divorce, regardless of the law.
Who are these families and how common is a same-sex breakup? Research has found that same-sex couples divorce at similar rates to heterosexual couples. One study of lesbian couples who created children using donor insemination found that 38% of couples had separated by the time their child reached the age of 10 (Gartrell et al. 2006). An 18-month study by Blumstein and Schwartz (1983) found that for same-sex couples who had been together 10 years, breakup rates were fairly low; only 6% of lesbian couples, 4% of gay couples, and 4% of married heterosexual couples divorced. This study also found that, for couples who had been together less than 2 years, 22% of lesbian couples, 16% of gay couples, 17% of cohabiting (but unmarried) heterosexual couples, and only 4% of heterosexual married couples had separated. This research demonstrates that perhaps being married or being in a marriage-like relationship is correlated with lower rates of separation, but for the most part, same-sex couples experience similar rates of relationship dissolution to opposite-sex couples. Many children with same-sex attracted parents also live with only one parent; in a study of same-sex parented families by Power et al (2010) 10% of respondents listed themselves as the sole parent of their children. In concordance with heterosexual couples, reasons lesbian couples cited for divorce were growing apart, infrequent sexual intimacy, incompatibility, infidelity, and different parenting styles (Gartrell et al. 2011). Beyond the demographics of these families, research must be done on their experiences.
Relevant Research
Unfortunately, research on the experiences of these families is lacking, however, the few studies in existence tell us useful information about the post-separation outcomes of these families. One of the world’s leading (and only) researchers on this topic, Luke Gahan (2012), wrote, “Previous research has shown same-sex couples and parents tend to possess egalitarian relationship and parenting styles. How this transpires after separation is unclear. However, given the findings that the most successful and positive shared care arrangements are those where both parents had active involvement in their children’s care pre-separation, the egalitarian nature of same-sex couples may give them an advantage for success when attempting post-separation shared care.” However, because of adoption issues for same-sex couples, egalitarian parenting after separation may not happen. One small study of five lesbian couples who had separated found that three of the birth-mothers had sole custody of the children after separation because the non-birth mothers were not able to legally adopt the children. Children in this study experienced distress at the family reorganization and felt compelled to defend their mothers’ parenting and sexual orientation to outsiders (Turtletaub 2002). The 2011 study by Gatrell et al. examined the psychological well-being of adolescents in separated lesbian households. This study found that families who had a second-parents adoption or both mothers had legal parenting rights, custody was almost three times as likely to be shared. Also, the lesbians in this study shared custody at a higher rate than heterosexual couples. The study found no differences in psychological experiences of adolescents whose co-mothers had adopted them and those who had not, and found no differences between the groups who had shared custody and those who did not. Adolescents also reported feelings of closeness to both mothers more frequently when their co-mothers had adopted them and the relationships between mothers lasted longer. Overall, the psychological experiences of these families appear to be similar to those in opposite-sex parented families, yet there are some additional factors affecting the resilience of these families.
The Child’s Experience
Power (2010) discusses three levels of protective factors for same-sex families: individual, family, and community. One important factor affecting the resilience of these children is their families’ access to resources and the amount of discrimination, whether overt or systemic. Luke Gahan commented, “even in places where laws protect both same-sex parents, culture and attitudes often lag behind – leaving some same-sex parents vulnerable or unrecognized as a parent before and after separation.” Existing research shows that in lesbian families, if one parent is the biological mother and the other mother has not adopted the children, she will likely lose custody of the children (Gartrell et al. 2011). This can have serious effects on these children. My birth mother said to me after she and my mother split that she regretted letting my other mom adopt me, thus leading her to have equal custody rights. I believe statements like this and the experience of losing a parent after a separation (usually against that parent’s will) must profoundly affect the child, although there is no existing research to support that statement.
One notable feature of my parents’ divorce was the sense of a loss of identity. I no longer had a family with two moms, I had a broken, fragmented, and unclassifiable family. I could no longer hold myself and my family up as a proud model of a successful same-sex parented family. Gahan (2012) writes, “Same-sex couples and parents are not immune from separation, yet all too often their unique stories go unheard. Campaigns for same-sex marriage and parenting rights focus on happy couple stories. While showing the positive side of same-sex relationships and parenting makes sense in a campaign to gain equal marriage rights, it may inadvertently lead separated parents to feel isolated from friends and community.” In a world where my family is stigmatized, it can feel uncomfortable to talk about the aspects of it that are less-than-perfect, including trauma surrounding a divorce. A desire to present a successful family adds pressure to any adolescent or child in this situation.
Another important thing to keep in mind is that not all same-sex couples who divorce are composed of two lesbians or two gay men. Bisexuals and pansexuals may settle into same-sex relationships only to be with a person of the opposite gender after a separation. One of my mothers is bisexual and has been in relationships exclusively with men since she and my other mother divorced. This is something that may cause added stress to everyone in the family and may further rob the child of their identity as a child with same-sex parents. When this happened to me I felt as though it added another layer of confusion to my family’s story. While this may not be common (I can only think of one other family who has experienced this) its effects should be taken into consideration.
Children may also experience a lack of resources and support from their communities. Some people who disagree with same-sex marriage may not see a break-up of one of these families as a loss or may see it as evidence in the case against same-sex parenting. Many counselors, mediators, teachers, and therapists have dealt with children who are experiencing divorce, but how many frequently deal with same-sex couple divorces? This likely varies according to the area one lives in. Children with same-sex parents may not know many similar families, especially ones that have gone through a divorce. At the time my parents split up and for years after I did not know any other families like mine. Parents too may feel alone in this experience.
The Parents’ Experience
In order to increase a family’s resilience after a divorce, much of the burden falls on the parents. For same-sex couples experiencing divorce, protection at the community level is especially important. Protective factors at the community level include social networks, services, and support from the extended family and the local community (Power 2010). Unfortunately, many same-sex couples experience drift away from the gay community when they become parents (Rawsthorne 2009). This experience can be exacerbated when the couple divorces, leading to potential tribal warfare and a loss of an already small pool of people with a shared background.
Another important aspect of the parents’ situation is the legal issue associated with same-sex parenting. Dr. April Martin (1998) notes that: The situation is especially serious when a gay or lesbian couple with children separates. Their lack of legal recognition as a family creates a real danger that the custody and access arrangements that are made will not be in the child's best interests. The biological mother, for example, in a crisis of anger and hurt, may resort to legal privilege and view the child as solely hers, thereby ignoring the child's need for emotional continuity with his other mother. Family and friends, who are understandably protective of her and feel adversarial to her partner, may pressure her to redefine the family relationships along heterosexist lines. Meanwhile, a nonbiological mother knows that she has virtually no chance of succeeding in a court challenge, and so may just get pushed out of the child's life. The professionals who get involved at this juncture have tremendous power to either exacerbate the problem or to turn it around and support the family to continue co-parenting together after separating, despite a complete lack of legal and societal support for doing so.
Many gay men and lesbians experience the (false) beliefs of others that one parent must be the “real” or primary parent, especially if one parent is the biological one (Gartrell 2006). This is simply not the case, especially as same-sex couples are well-known for their egalitarian parenting (Patterson 2004). This misconception may be psychologically harmful to these families. I recall the exasperation I felt as a child when explaining that my moms were BOTH my real mom; my birth mom does not have a better connection with me or deserve more credit for parenting me. However, many states do not allow both second-parent adoptions or same-sex adoptions, putting one parent in a very precarious legal situation.
Conclusion
My first recommendation for easing the divorce process for same-sex couples and their children is institutional change. Powers (2010) notes: In the case of same-sex parented families, legal recognition of relationships has also been shown to support resilience. The increased legitimacy that comes with legalization enables the family to access more formal economic support and also opens opportunities for developing social connection. Same-sex unions experience the added drama of having fluctuating divorce proceedings. However, at present, most separating same-sex couples are most likely not legally married, as same-sex marriages are only granted in 12 states. Under current law, if a couple is married in one state and lives in another where their union is not legal, they may not be divorced unless they move to a state where same-sex marriage is legal and establish residency. This is clearly impractical. Allowing same-sex marriage and, therefore, same-sex divorce will reduce the stress placed on these families. I also recommend equal rights and equal treatment of both parents in a same-sex parented family. This includes allowing second-parent and same-sex adoption rights everywhere. The psychological impact of treating one parent as the “real” parent in this situation is clear: it harms everyone in the family.
I also suggest that any professionals working with these families also treat both parents as equal, regardless of who is biologically related to whom. Professionals should take into consideration the added pressure these families experience to maintain the “perfect family” in the face of discrimination and stigma. Any suggestions a professional might have for community building and finding resources for these families would also be useful. Lastly, anyone working with these families should remember that although their experience is unique, it does not save them from any struggle a heterosexual divorcing family would experience.
Works Cited
Gahan, L. (2012, February 16). What happens when our “modern family” breaks up? Work, Love & Play. Retrieved from http://work-love-play.blogspot.com/2012/02/what-happens-when-our-modern-family.html
Gartrell, N., Bos, H., Peyser, H., et al. (2011). Family characteristics, custody arrangements, and adolescent psychological well-being after lesbian mothers break up. Family Relations. 60:572-585. doi:10.1111/j.1741-3729.2011.00667.x.
Gartrell, N., Rodas, C., Deck, A., Peyser, H., Banks, A. (2006). The USA National Lesbian Family Study: Interviews with Mothers of 10-Year-Olds. Feminism and Psychology, 16, 175-192.
Gates, G. J., & Romero, A. P. (2009). Parenting by gay men and lesbians: Beyond the current research. In H.E. Peters & C. M. Kamp Dush (Eds.), Marriage and family: Perspectives and complexities (pp. 227–243). New York, NY: Columbia University Press.
Martin, A. (1998). Issues for lesbian- and gay-parented families. Parenthood in America. Retrieved from http://parenthood.library.wisc.edu/Martin/Martin.html
Patterson C., Sutfin E., Fulcher M. (2004). Division of labor among lesbian and heterosexual parenting couples: correlates of specialized versus shared patterns. Journal of Adult Development, 11, 179-189.
Power, J.J., Perlesz, A., Schofield, M.J., Pitts, M.K., Brown, R., McNair, R., Barrett, A., & Bickerdike, A. (2010). Understanding resilience in same-sex parented families: the work, love, play study. BMC Public Health, 10(115), doi:10.1186/1471-2458-10-115
Rawsthorne, M. (2009). Just like other families? Supporting lesbian-parented families.
Australian Social Work, 62, 45-60.
Turtletaub, G. L. (2002). The effects of long-term primary relationship dissolution on the children of lesbian parents. Dissertation Abstracts International: Section B. The Sciences and Engineering, 63(5-B), 2610.
U.S. Census Bureau. (2010). Same-sex couple households. American Community Briefs. Retrieved from http://www.census.gov/prod/2011pubs/acsbr10-03.pdf