My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientist's Personal Journey 

by Jill Bolte Taylor

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Last annotated on April 29, 2015

INTRODUCTION 

Heart to Heart, Brain to Brain 

Ten years ago, I was at Harvard Medical School performing research and teaching young professionals about the human brain. But on December 10, 1996, I was given a lesson of my own. That morning, I experienced a rare form of stroke in the left hemisphere of my brain. A major hemorrhage, due to an undiagnosed congenital malformation of the blood vessels in my head, erupted unexpectedly. Within four brief hours, through the eyes of a curious brain anatomist (neuroanatomist), I watched my mind completely deteriorate in its ability to process information. By the end of that morning, I could not walk, talk, read, write, or recall any of my life.  Read more at location 68

****  As a neuroanatomist, I must say that I learned as much about my brain and how it functions during that stroke, as I had in all my years of academia. By the end of that morning, my consciousness shifted into a perception that I was at one with the universe. Since that time, I have come to understand how it is that we are capable of having a “mystical” or “metaphysical” experience-relative to our brain anatomy.  Read more at location 93

Ultimately, it’s about my brain’s journey into my right hemisphere’s consciousness, where I became enveloped in a deep inner peace. I have resurrected the consciousness of my left hemisphere in order to help others achieve that same inner peace-without having to experience stroke!  Read more at location 102

ONE

Jill’s Pre-Stroke Life 

I wondered how it could be possible that my brother and I could share the same experience but walk away from the situation with completely different interpretations about what had just happened. This difference in perception, information processing, and output motivated me to become a brain scientist.  Read more at location 110

my brother was officially diagnosed with schizophrenia. Biologically, he is the closest thing to me that exists in the universe. I wanted to understand why I could take my dreams and connect them to reality and make my dreams come true. What was different about my brother’s brain such that he could not connect his dreams to a common reality and they instead became delusions? I was eager to pursue research in schizophrenia.  Read more at location 123

Neurotransmitters are the chemicals with which brain cells communicate. This was important work since the newer atypical antipsychotic medications are designed to influence multiple neurotransmitter systems rather than just one. Our ability to visualize three different systems in the same piece of tissue increased our ability to understand the delicate interplay between these systems. It was our goal to better understand the microcircuitry of the brain-which cells in which areas of the brain communicate with which chemicals and in what quantities of those chemicals.  Read more at location 181

I was in my mid-thirties and thriving both professionally and personally. But in one fell swoop, the rosiness of my life and promising future evaporated. I woke up on December 10, 1996, to discover that I had a brain disorder of my own. I was having a stroke. Within four brief hours, I watched my mind completely deteriorate in its ability to process all stimulation coming in through my senses.  Read more at location 189

TWO

Simple Science 

Through the manipulation of atoms and molecules into DNA and RNA sequences, information could be entered, coded, and stored for future use. Moments in time no longer came and went without a record and, by interweaving a continuum of sequential moments into a common thread, the life of the cell evolved as a bridge across time. Before long, cells figured out ways of hanging together and working together, which finally produced you and me.  Read more at location 203

****  Earth’s molecular brain of DNA is a powerful and successful genetic program-not only because it adapts to constant change, but also because it expects, appreciates, and takes advantage of opportunities to transform itself into something even more magnificent. It is perhaps of interest that our human genetic code is constructed by the exact same four nucleotides (complex molecules) as every other form of life on the planet. At the level of our DNA, we are related to the birds, reptiles, amphibians, other mammals, and even the plant life.  Read more at location 209

The human brain exists in an ongoing state of change. Even the brains of our ancestors of 2000 or 4000 years ago do not look identical to the brains of man today. The development of language, for example, has altered our brains’ anatomical structure and cellular networks.  Read more at location 214

****  Most of the different types of cells in our body die and are replaced every few weeks or months. However, neurons, the primary cell of the nervous system, do not multiply (for the most part) after we are born.  Read more at location 216

That means that the majority of the neurons in your brain today are as old as you are. This longevity of the neurons partially accounts for why we feel pretty much the same on the inside at the age of 10 as we do at age 30 or 77. The cells in our brain are the same but over time their connections change based upon their/our experience.  Read more at location 218

The human nervous system is a wonderfully dynamic entity composed of an estimated one trillion cells. To give you some appreciation for how enormous one trillion is, consider this: there are approximately six billion people on the planet and we would have to multiply all six billion people 166 times just to make up the number of cells combining to create a single nervous system! Of course, our body is much more than a nervous system. In fact, the typical adult human body is composed of approximately fifty trillion cells. That would be 8,333 times all of the six billion people on the planet!  Read more at location 220

Biological evolution generally occurs from a state of lesser complexity to a state of greater complexity. Nature ensures her own efficiency by not reinventing the wheel with every new species she creates. Generally, once nature identifies a pattern in the genetic code that works toward the survival of the creature, like a blossom for nectar transmission, a heart to pump blood, a sweat gland to help regulate body temperature or an eyeball for vision, she tends to build that feature into future permutations of that specific code. By adding a new level of programming on top of an already well-established set of instructions,  Read more at location 226

scientific evidence indicates that we humans share 99.4% of our total DNA sequences with the chimpanzee.  Read more at location 233

As members of the same human species, you and I share all but 0.01% (1/100th of 1%) of identical genetic sequences. So biologically, as a species, you and I are virtually identical to one another at the level of our genes (99.99%). Looking around at the diversity within our human race, it is obvious that 0.01% accounts for a significant difference in how we look, think, and behave.  Read more at location 238

The portion of our brain that separates us from all other mammals is the outer undulated and convoluted cerebral cortex. Although other mammals do have a cerebral cortex, the human cortex has approximately twice the thickness and is believed to have twice the function. Our cerebral cortex is divided into two major hemispheres, which complement one another in function.  Read more at location 241

The two hemispheres communicate with one another through the highway for information transfer, the corpus callosum. Although each hemisphere is unique in the specific types of information it processes, when the two hemispheres are connected to one another, they work together to generate a single seamless perception of the world.  Read more at location 245

When it comes to the intricate microscopic anatomy of how our cerebral cortices are finely wired, variation is the rule, not the exception. This variation contributes to our individual preferences and personalities.  Read more at location 248

The blood vessels supplying nutrients to our cerebral hemispheres also display a defined pattern. The anterior, middle, and posterior cerebral arteries supply blood to each of the two hemispheres. Damage to any specific branch of one of these major arteries may result in somewhat predictable symptoms of severe impairment or complete elimination of our ability to perform specific cognitive functions.  Read more at location 258

The superficial layers of the cortex, which we see when we look at the external surface of the brain, are filled with neurons that we believe to be uniquely human. These most recently “added on” neurons create circuits that manufacture our ability to think linearly–as in complex language and the ability to think in abstract, symbolic systems like mathematics. The deeper layers of the cerebral cortex make up the cells of the limbic system. These are the cortical cells we share with other mammals.  Read more at location 264

The limbic system functions by placing an affect, or emotion, on information streaming in through our senses. Because we share these structures with other creatures, the limbic system cells are often referred to as the “reptilian brain” or the “emotional brain.”  Read more at location 268

our limbic system functions throughout our lifetime, it does not mature. As a result, when our emotional “buttons” are pushed, we retain the ability to react to incoming stimulation as though we were a two year old, even when we are adults.  Read more at location 271

The primary job of the amygdala is to scan all incoming stimulation in this immediate moment and determine the level of safety. One of the jobs of the cingulate gyrus of the limbic system is to focus the brain’s attention. When incoming stimulation is perceived as familiar, the amygdala is calm and the adjacently positioned hippocampus is capable of learning and memorizing new information. However, as soon as the amygdala is triggered by unfamiliar or perhaps threatening stimulation, it raises the brain’s level of anxiety and focuses the mind’s attention on the immediate situation.  Read more at location 278

Sensory information streams in through our sensory systems and is immediately processed through our limbic system. By the time a message reaches our cerebral cortex for higher thinking, we have already placed a “feeling” upon how we view that stimulation–is  Read more at location 284

**************  Although many of us may think of ourselves as thinking creatures that feel, biologically we are feeling creatures that think.  Read more at location 286

when we experience feelings of sadness, joy, anger, frustration, or excitement, these are emotions that are generated by the cells of our limbic system. Second, to feel something in your hands refers to the tactile or kinesthetic experience of feeling through the action of palpation. This type of feeling occurs via the sensory system of touch and involves the postcentral gyrus of the cerebral cortex. Finally, when someone contrasts what he or she feels intuitively about something (often expressed as a “gut feeling”) to what they think about it, this insightful awareness is a higher cognition that is grounded in the right hemisphere of the cerebral cortex.  Read more at location 288

*********  (Note:  sea of energy)  As information processing machines, our ability to process data about the external world begins at the level of sensory perception. Although most of us are rarely aware of it, our sensory receptors are designed to detect information at the energy level. Because everything around us-the air we breathe, even the materials we use to build with, are composed of spinning and vibrating atomic particles, you and I are literally swimming in a turbulent sea of electromagnetic fields. We are part of it. We are enveloped within it, and through our sensory apparatus we experience what is.  Read more at location 295

Each of our sensory systems is made up of a complex cascade of neurons that process the incoming neural code from the level of the receptor to specific areas within the brain. Each group of cells along the cascade alters or enhances the code, and passes it on to the next set of cells in the system, which further defines and refines the message. By the time the code reaches the outermost portion of our brain, the higher levels of the cerebral cortex, we become conscious of the stimulation.  Read more at location 299

(Note: vision)  Our visual field, the entire view of what we can see when we look out into the world, is divided into billions of tiny spots or pixels. Each pixel is filled with atoms and molecules that are in vibration. The retinal cells in the back of our eyes detect the movement of those atomic particles. Atoms vibrating at different frequencies emit different wavelengths of energy, and this information is eventually coded as different colors by the visual cortex in the occipital region of our brain. A visual image is built by our brain’s ability to package groups of pixels together in the form of edges. Different edges with different orientations–vertical, horizontal, and oblique, combine to form complex images. Different groups of cells in our brain add depth, color, and motion to what we see.  Read more at location 304

(Note: hearing)  our ability to hear sound also depends upon our detection of energy traveling at different wavelengths. Sound is the product of atomic particles in space colliding with one another and emitting patterns of energy. The energy wavelengths, created by the bombarding particles, beat upon the tympanic membrane in our ear. Different wavelengths of sound vibrate our eardrum with unique properties. Similar to our retinal cells, the hair cells of our auditory Organ of Corti translate this energy vibration in our ear into a neural code. This eventually reaches the auditory cortex (in the temporal region of our brain) and we hear sound.  Read more at location 311

(Note: taste / smell)  Our most obvious abilities to sense atomic/molecular information occur through our chemical senses of smell and taste. Although these receptors are sensitive to individual electromagnetic particles as they waft past our nose or titillate our taste buds, we are all unique in how much stimulation is required before we can smell or taste something. Each of these sensory systems is also made up of a complex cascade of cells, and damage to any portion of the system may result in an abnormal ability to perceive.  Read more at location 316

our skin is our largest sensory organ, and it is stippled with very specific sensory receptors designed to experience pressure, vibration, light touch, pain, or temperature. These receptors are precise in the type of stimulation they perceive such that only cold stimulation can be perceived by cold sensory receptors and only vibration can be detected by vibration receptors. Because of this specificity, our skin is a finely mapped surface of sensory reception.  Read more at location 319

neurological disease often involves the higher cognition layers of our cerebral cortex, and because stroke occurs four times more frequently in the left cerebral hemisphere, our ability to create or understand language is often compromised. The term stroke refers to a problem with the blood vessels carrying oxygen to the cells of the brain, and there are basically two types: ischemic (ih-skee-mik) and hemorrhagic (hem-o-radg-ik).  Read more at location 331

With ischemic stroke, a blood clot travels into the artery until the tapered diameter of the artery becomes too small for the clot to pass any farther. The blood clot blocks the flow of oxygen-rich blood to the cells beyond the point of obstruction.  Read more at location 336

Because every brain is unique in its neurological wiring, every brain is unique in its ability to recover from trauma.  Read more at location 339

The hemorrhagic stroke occurs when blood escapes from the arteries and floods into the brain. Seventeen percent of all strokes are hemorrhagic. Blood is toxic to neurons when it comes in direct contact with them,  Read more at location 341

the aneurysm (an-yu-rism), forms when there is a weakening in the wall of a blood vessel that consequently balloons out. The weakened area fills with blood and can readily rupture, spewing large volumes of blood into the skull. Any type of hemorrhage is often life threatening.  Read more at location 343

no two strokes are identical in their symptoms because no two brains are absolutely identical in their structure, connections or ability to recover.  Read more at location 355

WARNING SIGNS OF STROKE 

S = SPEECH, or any problems with language T = TINGLING, or any numbness in the body R = REMEMBER, or any problems with memory O = OFF BALANCE, problems with coordination K = KILLER HEADACHE E = EYES, or any problems with vision  Read more at location 363

STROKE is a medical emergency. Call 9-1-1  Read more at location 369

THREE

Hemispheric Asymmetries

Scientists have been studying the functional asymmetries of the human cerebral cortices for over 200 years.  Read more at location 373

in the late 1800s, Arthur Ladbroke Wigan witnessed the autopsy of a man who could walk, talk, read, write, and function like a normal man. Upon examination of his brain, however, Wigan discovered that this man had only one cerebral hemisphere. Wigan concluded that since this man, who had only “half” a brain, had a whole mind and could function like a whole man, then those of us who have two hemispheres must have two minds. Wigan enthusiastically championed this “Duality of the Mind”  Read more at location 377

******  the two hemispheres perform differently when they are connected to one another than when they are surgically separated.12 When normally connected, the two hemispheres complement and enhance one another’s abilities. When surgically separated, the two hemispheres function as two independent brains with unique personalities,  Read more at location 389

Because our two hemispheres are so neuronally integrated via the corpus callosum, virtually every cognitive behavior we exhibit involves activity in both hemispheres–they simply do it differently.  Read more at location 394

Dominance in the brain is determined by which hemisphere houses the ability to create and understand verbal language. Although the statistics vary depending upon whom you ask, virtually everyone who is right handed (over 85% of the U.S. population) is left hemisphere dominant. At the same time, over 60% of left handed people are also classified as left hemisphere dominant.  Read more at location 401

Independent streams of information simultaneously burst into our brain via each of our sensory systems. Moment by moment, our right mind creates a master collage of what this moment in time looks like, sounds like, tastes like, smells like, and feels like. Moments don’t come and go in a rush, but rather are rich with sensations, thoughts, emotions, and often, physiological responses.  Read more at location 405

Our right hemisphere is designed to remember things as they relate to one another. Borders between specific entities are softened, and complex mental collages can be recalled in their entirety as combinations of images, kinesthetics, and physiology. To the right mind, no time exists other than the present moment, and each moment is vibrant with sensation.  Read more at location 411

Our perception and experience of connection with something that is greater than ourselves occurs in the present moment. To our right mind, the moment of now is timeless and abundant.  Read more at location 415

By its design, our right mind is spontaneous, carefree, and imaginative. It allows our artistic juices to flow free without inhibition or judgment.  Read more at location 418

**********  The present moment is a time when everything and everyone are connected together as one. As a result, our right mind perceives each of us as equal members of the human family. It identifies our similarities and recognizes our relationship with this marvelous planet, which sustains our life. It perceives the big picture, how everything is related, and how we all join together to make up the whole. Our ability to be empathic, to walk in the shoes of another and feel their feelings, is a product of our right frontal cortex.  Read more at location 419

our left hemisphere is completely different in the way it processes information. It takes each of those rich and complex moments created by the right hemisphere and strings them together in timely succession. It then sequentially compares the details making up this moment with the details making up the last moment. By organizing details in a linear and methodical configuration, our left brain manifests the concept of time whereby our moments are divided into the past, present, and future.  Read more at location 423

our left mind thrives on details, details, and more details about those details. Our left hemisphere language centers use words to describe, define, categorize, and communicate about everything. They break the big picture perception of the present moment into manageable and comparable bits of data that they can talk about.  Read more at location 431

Via our left hemisphere language centers, our mind speaks to us constantly, a phenomenon I refer to as “brain chatter.” It is that voice reminding you to pick up bananas on your way home and that calculating intelligence that knows when you have to do your laundry. There is vast individual variation in the speed at which our minds function. For some, our dialogue of brain chatter runs so fast that we can barely keep up with what we are thinking. Others of us think in language so slowly that it takes a long time for us to comprehend. Still others of us have a problem retaining our focus and concentration long enough to act on our thoughts. These variations in normal processing stem back to our brain cells and how each brain is intrinsically wired.  Read more at location 437

****  (Note:   concept of self built in left hemisphere)  One of the jobs of our left hemisphere language centers is to define our self by saying “I am.” Through the use of brain chatter, your brain repeats over and over again the details of your life so you can remember them. It is the home of your ego center, which provides you with an internal awareness of what your name is, what your credentials are, and where you live. Without these cells performing their job, you would forget who you are and lose track of your life and your identity.  Read more at location 442

our left hemisphere thinks in patterned responses to incoming stimulation. It establishes neurological circuits that run relatively automatically to sensory information. These circuits allow us to process large volumes of information without having to spend much time focusing on the individual bits of data. From a neurological standpoint, every time a circuit of neurons is stimulated, it takes less external stimulation for that particular circuit to run.  Read more at location 446

Because our left brain is filled with these ingrained programs of pattern recognition, it is superb at predicting what we will think, how we will act, or what we will feel in the future-based upon our past experience.  Read more at location 451

****  (Note:  judgement as a tool of ego)  From a purely neurological perspective, I like red because the cells in my left brain tell me I like red. Among other things, our left hemisphere categorizes information into hierarchies including things that attract us (our likes) or repel us (our dislikes). It places the judgment of good on those things we like and bad on those things we dislike. Through the action of critical judgment and analysis, our left brain constantly compares us with everyone else. It keeps us abreast of where we stand on the financial scale, academic scale, honesty scale, generosity-of-spirit scale, and every other scale you can imagine. Our ego mind revels in our individuality, honors our uniqueness, and strives for independence.  Read more at location 454

our left hemisphere understands the details making up the structure and semantics of the sentence–and the meaning of the words. It is our left mind that understands what letters are and how they fit together to create a sound (word) that has a concept (meaning) attached to it. It then strings words together in a linear fashion to create sentences and paragraphs capable of conveying very complex messages. Our right hemisphere complements the action of our left hemisphere language centers by interpreting non-verbal communication. Our right mind evaluates the more subtle cues of language including tone of voice, facial expression, and body language. Our right hemisphere looks at the big picture of communication and assesses the congruity of the overall expression.  Read more at location 461

People who have damage in their left hemisphere often cannot create or understand speech because the cells in their language centers have been injured. However, they are often genius at being able to determine if someone is telling the truth, thanks to the cells in their right hemisphere. On the other hand, if someone has damage to their right hemisphere, they may not appropriately assess the emotional content of a message.  Read more at location 469

(Note: spatial orientation of body)  Did you ever stop to consider how it is that your brain knows how to define the dimensions of your body in space? Amazingly, there are cells in our left hemisphere’s orientation association area that define the boundaries of our body–where we begin and where we end relative to the space around us. At the same time, there are cells in our right hemisphere’s orientation association area that orient our body in space. As a result, our left hemisphere teaches us where our body begins and ends, and our right hemisphere helps us place it where we want it to go.  Read more at location 478

FOUR

Morning of the Stroke 

I sluggishly awoke to a sharp pain piercing my brain directly behind my left eye.  Read more at location 502

I felt a powerful and unusual sense of dissociation roll over me. I felt so peculiar that I questioned my well-being. Even though my thoughts seemed lucid, my body felt irregular. As I watched my hands and arms rocking forward and back, forward and back, in opposing synchrony with my torso, I felt strangely detached from my normal cognitive functions. It was as if the integrity of my mind/body connection had somehow become compromised.  Read more at location 510

I felt as if I was trapped inside the perception of a meditation that I could neither stop nor escape. Dazed, I felt the frequency of shooting pangs escalate inside my brain, and I realized that this exercise regime was probably not a good idea. Feeling a little nervous about my physical condition, I climbed off the machine and bumbled through my living room on the way to the bath. As I walked, I noticed that my movements were no longer fluid.  Read more at location 519

It seemed odd that I could sense the inner activities of my brain as it adjusted and readjusted all of the opposing muscle groups in my lower extremities to prevent me from falling over. My perception of these automatic body responses was no longer an exercise in intellectual conceptualization. Instead, I was momentarily privy to a precise and experiential understanding of how hard the fifty trillion cells in my brain and body were working in perfect unison to maintain the flexibility and integrity of my physical form.  Read more at location 524

I was startled by an abrupt and exaggerated clamor as water surged into the tub. This unexpected amplification of sound was both enlightening and disturbing. It brought me to the realization that, in addition to having problems with coordination and equilibrium, my ability to process incoming sound (auditory information) was erratic. I understood neuroanatomically that coordination, equilibrium, audition and the action of inspirational breathing were processed through the pons of my brainstem. For the first time, I considered the possibility that I was perhaps having a major neurological malfunction that was life threatening.  Read more at location 530

When I realized that the sensations outside of me, including the remote sounds of a bustling city beyond my apartment window, had faded away, I could tell that the broad range of my natural observation had become constricted. As my brain chatter began to disintegrate, I felt an odd sense of isolation. My blood pressure must have been dropping as a result of the bleeding in my brain because I felt as if all of my systems, including my mind’s ability to instigate movement, were moving into a slow mode of operation.  Read more at location 540

****  (Note:  mystic self-less sense of universal oneness from right hemisphere)  The harder I tried to concentrate, the more fleeting my ideas seemed to be. Instead of finding answers and information, I met a growing sense of peace. In place of that constant chatter that had attached me to the details of my life, I felt enfolded by a blanket of tranquil euphoria. How fortunate I was that the portion of my brain that registered fear, my amygdala, had not reacted with alarm to these unusual circumstances and shifted me into a state of panic. As the language centers in my left hemisphere grew increasingly silent and I became detached from the memories of my life, I was comforted by an expanding sense of grace. In this void of higher cognition and details pertaining to my normal life, my consciousness soared into an all-knowingness, a “being at one” with the universe, if you will. In a compelling sort of way, it felt like the good road home and I liked it. By this point I had lost touch with much of the physical three-dimensional reality that surrounded me. My body was propped up against the shower wall and I found it odd that I was aware that I could no longer clearly discern the physical boundaries of where I began and where I ended. I sensed the composition of my being as that of a fluid rather than that of a solid. I no longer perceived myself as a whole object separate from everything. Instead, I now blended in with the space and flow around me.  Read more at location 548

****  (Note:  mystic awareness)  As I held my hands up in front of my face and wiggled my fingers, I was simultaneously perplexed and intrigued. Wow, what a strange and amazing thing I am. What a bizarre living being I am. Life! I am life! I am a sea of water bound inside this membranous pouch. Here, in this form, I am a conscious mind and this body is the vehicle through which I am ALIVE! I am trillions of cells sharing a common mind. I am here, now, thriving as life. Wow! What an unfathomable concept! I am cellular life, no-I am molecular life with manual dexterity and a cognitive mind!  Read more at location 561

Those little voices, that brain chatter that customarily kept me abreast of myself in relation to the world outside of me, were delightfully silent. And in their absence, my memories of the past and my dreams of the future evaporated. I was alone. In the moment, I was alone with nothing but the rhythmic pulse of my beating heart. I must admit that the growing void in my traumatized brain was entirely seductive. I welcomed the reprieve that the silence brought from the constant chatter that related me to what I now perceived as the insignificant affairs of society. I eagerly turned my focus inward to the steadfast drumming of the trillions of brilliant cells that worked diligently and synchronously to maintain my body’s steady state of homeostasis. As the blood poured in over my brain, my consciousness slowed to a soothing and satisfying awareness that embraced the vast and wondrous world within.  Read more at location 566

For the first time, I felt truly at one with my body as a complex construction of living, thriving organisms. I was proud to see that I was this swarming conglomeration of cellular life that had stemmed from the intelligence of a single molecular genius! I welcomed the opportunity to pass beyond my normal perceptions, away from the persevering pain that relentlessly pulsed in my head. As my consciousness slipped into a state of peaceful grace, I felt ethereal. Although the pulse of pain in my brain was inescapable, it was not debilitating.  Read more at location 574

I was literally thrown off balance when my right arm dropped completely paralyzed against my side. In that moment I knew. Oh my gosh, I’m having a stroke! I’m having a stroke! And in the next instant, the thought flashed through my mind, Wow, this is so cool! I felt as though I was suspended in a peculiar euphoric stupor, and I was strangely elated when I understood that this unexpected pilgrimage into the intricate functions of my brain actually had a physiological basis and explanation. I kept thinking, Wow, how many scientists have the opportunity to study their own brain function and mental deterioration from the inside out? My entire life had been dedicated to my own understanding of how the human brain creates our perception of reality. And now I was experiencing this most remarkable stroke of insight! When my right arm became paralyzed, I felt the life force inside the limb explode. When it dropped dead against my body, it clubbed my torso. It was the strangest sensation. I felt as if my arm had been guillotined off!  Read more at location 586

In the wisdom of my dementia, I understood that my body was, by the magnificence of its biological design, a precious and fragile gift. It was clear to me that this body functioned like a portal through which the energy of who I am can be beamed into a three-dimensional external space. This cellular mass of my body had provided me with a marvelous temporary home. This amazing brain had been capable of integrating literally billions of trillions of bits of data, in every instant, to create for me a three-dimensional perception of this environment that actually appeared to be not only seamless and real, but also safe. Here in this delusion, I was mesmerized by the efficiency of this biological matrix as it created my form, and I was awed by the simplicity of its design.  Read more at location 603

****  (Note:   self as composite)  I saw myself as a complex composite of dynamic systems, a collection of interlacing cells capable of integrating a medley of sensory modalities streaming in from the external world. And when the systems functioned properly, they naturally manifested a consciousness capable of perceiving a normal reality. I wondered how I could have spent so many years in this body, in this form of life, and never really understood that I was just visiting here.  Read more at location 609

FIVE

Orchestrating My Rescue 

the congenital arteriovenous malformation (AVM) that burst in my head was spewing a large volume of blood over the left hemisphere of my brain. As blood swept over the higher thinking centers of my left cerebral cortex, I began losing my skills of higher cognition-one precious ability at a time.  Read more at location 623

(Note: ties to tibetan buddhistic notion of time as discrete moments?)  Without the linearity associated with the constant brain directives of my left brain, I struggled to maintain a cognitive connection to my external reality. Instead of a continuous flow of experience that could be divided into past, present, and future, every moment seemed to exist in perfect isolation.  Read more at location 632

Even though my brain remained lined with filing cabinets, it was as if all the drawers had been slammed shut and the cabinets pushed just beyond my reach. I was aware that I knew all this stuff, that my brain held a wealth of information. But where was it? If the information was still there, I could no longer retrieve it. I wondered if I would ever reconnect with linguistic thought or retrieve the mental images of my life. I was saddened that perhaps those portions of my mind were now lost forever. Devoid of language and linear processing, I felt disconnected from the life I had lived, and in the absence of my cognitive pictures and expansive ideas, time escaped me. The memories from my past were no longer available for recollection, leaving me cloaked from the bigger picture of who I was and what I was doing here as a life form.  Read more at location 641

****  (Note:  mystic view linked to right hemisphere of brain)  As the dominating fibers of my left hemisphere shut down, they no longer inhibited my right hemisphere, and my perception was free to shift such that my consciousness could embody the tranquility of my right mind. Swathed in an enfolding sense of liberation and transformation, the essence of my consciousness shifted into a state that felt amazingly similar to my experience in Thetaville. I’m no authority, but I think the Buddhists would say I entered the mode of existence they call Nirvana. In the absence of my left hemisphere’s analytical judgment, I was completely entranced by the feelings of tranquility, safety, blessedness, euphoria, and omniscience. A piece of me yearned to be released completely from the captivity of this physical form, which throbbed with pain. But providentially, in spite of the attraction of this unremitting temptation, something inside of me remained committed to the task of orchestrating my rescue, and it persevered to ultimately save my life.  Read more at location 650

Feeling cast out of synchrony with the life I had known, I was concurrently disturbed and fascinated by what I was witnessing as the systematic breakdown of my cognitive mind. Time stood still because that clock that would sit and tick in the back of my left brain, that clock that helped me establish linearity between my thoughts, was now silent. Without the internal concept of relativity or the complementary brain activity that helped me navigate myself linearly, I found myself floating from isolated moment to isolated moment. “A” no longer had any relationship to “B” and “one” was no longer relative to “two.” These types of sequences required an intellectual connection that my mind could no longer perform. Even the simplest of calculations, by definition, requires recognition of the relationship between different entities, and my mind was no longer capable of creating combinations.  Read more at location 661

Why didn’t I just call 9-1-1? The hemorrhage growing in my cranium was positioned directly over the portion of my left brain that understood what a number was. The neurons that coded 9-1-1 were now swimming in a pool of blood, so the concept simply didn’t exist for me anymore.  Read more at location 669

All I could do was sit and wait; sit patiently with the phone by my side and wait in the silence. So there I sat, home alone with these transient thoughts that evaded me, almost teasing me as they flitted in and out of my mind. I sat waiting for a wave of clarity that would permit my mind to connect two thoughts and give me a chance at forming an idea, a chance to execute a plan. I sat silently intoning, What am I doing? Call for help. Call for help. I’m trying to call for help.  Read more at location 675

My normal perception of this external world had been successfully established by the constant exchange of information between my right and left hemispheres. Because of cortical laterality, each half of my brain specialized in slightly varied functions, and when put together, my brain could precisely manufacture a realistic perception of the external world. Although I had been a very bright child with tremendous potential for learning, my two hemispheres had never been equal in their natural abilities. My right hemisphere excelled at understanding the big picture of ideas and concepts, but my left hemisphere had to work extremely hard to memorize random facts and details. As a result, I was one of those people who rarely chose to cognitively code a phone number as a random sequence of numbers. Instead, my mind automatically created some sort of pattern, most often a visual pattern, to which I attached the sequence. In the case of phone numbers, I generally memorized the pattern as it dialed on a touch-tone keypad.  Read more at location 691

Throughout my youth, my mind had been much more interested in how things were intuitively related (right hemisphere) than how they were categorically different (left hemisphere). My mind preferred thinking in pictures (right hemisphere), as opposed to language (left hemisphere). It wasn’t until my graduate school years and fascination with anatomy that my mind excelled in detail memorization and retrieval.  Read more at location 699

Although I was consistently distracted by an enveloping sense of being at one with the universe, I was desperate to carry out my plan to get help. Within my mind, I rehearsed over and over again what I needed to do, and what I would say. But keeping my mind tuned in to what I was trying to do was like struggling to hang on to a slippery fish.  Read more at location 724

This process had already taken 45 minutes for me to figure out who and how to call for help. During the next wave of clarity, I dialed the number by matching the squiggles on the paper to the squiggles on the phone pad. To my great fortune, my colleague and good friend, Dr. Stephen Vincent, was sitting at his desk. As he picked up the receiver, I could hear him speak, but my mind could not decipher his words. I thought, Oh my gosh, he sounds like a golden retriever! I realized that my left hemisphere was so garbled that I could no longer understand speech. Yet, I was so relieved to be connected to another human being that I blurted out, “This is Jill. I need help!” Well, at least that’s what I tried to say. What exactly came out of my mouth was more akin to grunts and groans,  Read more at location 729

I was disturbed to comprehend that my left hemisphere was even more disabled than I had realized. Although my left hemisphere could not decipher the meaning of the words he spoke, my right hemisphere interpreted the soft tones in his voice to mean that he would get me help. Finally, in that moment, I could relax.  Read more at location 738

SIX

My Return to the Still 

what a sad commentary that even in this disjointed mentality, I knew enough to be worried that my HMO might not cover my costs in the event that I went to the wrong health center for care.  Read more at location 748

****  (Note: **** fascinating. testament to the idea of learned sense of 3d ‘vision’)  To my astonishment, however, as I looked at the top card, I realized that although I retained a clear image in my mind of what I was looking for, I could not discriminate any of the information on the card in front of me. My brain could no longer distinguish writing as writing, or symbols as symbols, or even background as background. Instead, the card looked like an abstract tapestry of pixels. The entire picture was a uniform blend of all its constituent pieces. The dots that formed the symbols of language blended in smoothly with the dots of the background. The distinctions of color and edge no longer registered to my brain.  Read more at location 754

I was no longer capable of perceiving the mental cues I had depended on to visually discriminate between objects. On top of my inability to identify my own physical boundaries, and in the absence of my internal clock, I perceived myself as fluid. Coupled with my loss of long-term and short-term memories, I no longer felt grounded or safe in the external world. What a daunting task it was to simply sit there in the center of my silent mind, holding that stack of cards and trying to remember, Who am I? What am I doing?  Read more at location 760

The longer the blood from the hemorrhage continued to spill into my cortex, the more massive the tissue damage would become and the more cognitively inept I would be. Although the AVM originally burst near the middle to posterior portion of my cerebral cortex in my left hemisphere, by this point, the cells in my left frontal lobe-responsible for my ability to generate language, were also compromised. It was predictable that as the blood interrupted the flow of information transmission between my two language centers (Broca’s anteriorly and Wernicke’s posteriorly, chapter 4), I could neither create/express language nor understand it. At this point in time, however, my greatest concern was that my vocal cords were not responding to my mental cues. I still feared that the centers in the pons of my brainstem, including my center for inspiration, were possibly at risk.  Read more at location 798

With every moment that passed, I felt my connection with my body becoming weaker. I sensed that my energy was leaking out of this fragile container-deadening the distal tips of my fingers and toes. I could hear the machinery of my body grinding its wheels as my cells systematically manufactured my life, and I feared that my cognitive mind was becoming so disabled, so detached from its normal ability to function, that I would be rendered permanently disabled. For the first time in my life, I understood that I was not invincible. Unlike a computer that could be turned off and then rebooted, the richness of my life was completely dependent on not only the health of my cellular structure, but on the integrity of my brain’s ability to electrically transmit and communicate its directives. Humbled by the direness of my situation, I grieved for the loss of my life as I anticipated the death and degeneration of my cellular matrix. Despite the overwhelming presence of the engulfing bliss of my right mind, I fought desperately to hold on to whatever conscious connections I still retained in my left mind.  Read more at location 808

(Note: again, links mysticism to right hemisphere)  I had stepped beyond my perception of myself as an individual. Without my left brain available to help me identify myself as a complex organism made up of multiple interdependent systems or to define me as a distinct collection of fragmented functions, my consciousness ventured unfettered into the peaceful bliss of my divine right mind.  Read more at location 817

He spoke softly, encouragingly patted my knee, and proceeded to drive to Mount Auburn Hospital. By the time we arrived, I was still conscious but obviously delirious. They placed me in a wheelchair and led us into the waiting room. Steve was clearly distressed with their indifference to the severity of my condition, but he obediently filled out my paperwork and helped me sign my name.  Read more at location 827

****  (Note:   her mystic experience as relating to death)  I understood that, on this morning, I had witnessed the step-by-step deterioration of my intricate neurological circuitry. I had always celebrated my life as a magnificent physical manifestation of my DNA, and oh, what a colorful genetic pool from which I had been spawned! For 37 years, I had been blessed with an agile mosaic of electrified biochemistry. And, like many folks, I had fantasized that I wanted to be awake when I died because I wanted to witness that remarkable final transition. Just before noon, on December 10, 1996, the electrical vitality of my molecular mass grew dim, and when I felt my energy lift, my cognitive mind surrendered its connection to, and command over, my body’s physical mechanics. Sanctioned deep within a sacred cocoon with a silent mind and a tranquil heart, I felt the enormousness of my energy lift. My body fell limp, and my consciousness rose to a slower vibration. I clearly understood that I was no longer the choreographer of this life. In the absence of sight, sound, touch, smell, taste, and fear, I felt my spirit surrender its attachment to this body and I was released from the pain.  Read more at location 839

SEVEN

Bare to the Bone

my body sank deep into the bed like a lump of heavy metal that I couldn’t begin to budge. I could not determine how my body was positioned, where it began or where it ended. Without the traditional sense of my physical boundaries, I felt that I was at one with the vastness of the universe.  Read more at location 861

Simply inhaling hurt my ribs, and the light that flooded in through my eyes burned my brain like fire. Not able to speak, I begged for the lights to be dimmed by burying my face into a sheet. I couldn’t hear anything beyond the pounding rhythm of my heart, which pulsed so loudly that my bones vibrated with ache and my muscles twitched with anguish. My keen scientific mind was no longer available to record, relate, detail, and categorize information about the surrounding external three-dimensional space.  Read more at location 865

response to the trauma. In silent prayer, I reflected, I am not supposed to be here anymore! I let go! My energy shifted and the essence of my being escaped. This is not right. I don’t belong here anymore! Great Spirit, I mused, I am now at one with the universe. I have blended into the eternal flow and am beyond returning to this plane of life-yet I remain tethered here. The fragile mind of this organic container has shut down and is no longer amenable for intelligent occupancy! I don’t belong here anymore! Unencumbered by any emotional connection to anyone or anything outside of myself, my spirit was free to catch a wave in the river of blissful flow. Let me out! I hollered within my mind, I let go! I let go! I wanted to escape this vessel of physical form, which radiated chaos and pain. In those brief moments, I felt tremendous despair that I had survived.  Read more at location 875

I remember that first day of the stroke with terrific bitter-sweetness. In the absence of the normal functioning of my left orientation association area, my perception of my physical boundaries was no longer limited to where my skin met air. I felt like a genie liberated from its bottle. The energy of my spirit seemed to flow like a great whale gliding through a sea of silent euphoria. Finer than the finest of pleasures we can experience as physical beings, this absence of physical boundary was one of glorious bliss. As my consciousness dwelled in a flow of sweet tranquility, it was obvious to me that I would never be able to squeeze the enormousness of my spirit back inside this tiny cellular matrix. My escape into bliss was a magnificent alternative to the daunting sense of mourning and devastation I felt every time I was coaxed back into some type of interaction with the percolating world outside of me. I existed in some remote space that seemed to be far away from my normal information processing, and it was clear that the “I” whom I had grown up to be had not survived this neurological catastrophe. I understood that that Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor died that morning, and yet, with that said, who was left? Or, with my left hemisphere destroyed, perhaps I should now say, who was right?  Read more at location 890

Without a language center telling me: “I am Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor. I am a neuroanatomist. I live at this address and can be reached at this phone number,” I felt no obligation to being her anymore. It was truly a bizarre shift in perception, but without her emotional circuitry reminding me of her likes and dislikes, or her ego center reminding me about her patterns of critical judgment, I didn’t think like her anymore. From a practical perspective, considering the amount of biological damage, being her again wasn’t even an option!  Read more at location 899

****  I had spent a lifetime of 37 years being enthusiastically committed to “do-do-doing” lots of stuff at a very fast pace. On this special day, I learned the meaning of simply “being.”  Read more at location 910

When I lost my left hemisphere and its language centers, I also lost the clock that would break my moments into consecutive brief instances. Instead of having my moments prematurely stunted, they became open-ended, and I felt no rush to do anything. Like walking along the beach, or just hanging out in the beauty of nature, I shifted from the doing-consciousness of my left brain to the being-consciousness of my right brain. I morphed from feeling small and isolated to feeling enormous and expansive.  Read more at location 911

****  (Note:  mystic existentialism)  All I could perceive was right here, right now, and it was beautiful. My entire self-concept shifted as I no longer perceived myself as a single, a solid, an entity with boundaries that separated me from the entities around me. I understood that at the most elementary level, I am a fluid. Of course I am a fluid! Everything around us, about us, among us, within us, and between us is made up of atoms and molecules vibrating in space. Although the ego center of our language center prefers defining our self as individual and solid, most of us are aware that we are made up of trillions of cells, gallons of water, and ultimately everything about us exists in a constant and dynamic state of activity. My left hemisphere had been trained to perceive myself as a solid, separate from others. Now, released from that restrictive circuitry, my right hemisphere relished in its attachment to the eternal flow. I was no longer isolated and alone. My soul was as big as the universe and frolicked with glee in a boundless sea.  Read more at location 916

Clearly, we are each trillions upon trillions of particles in soft vibration. We exist as fluid-filled sacs in a fluid world where everything exists in motion. Different entities are composed of different densities of molecules but ultimately every pixel is made up of electrons, protons, and neutrons performing a delicate dance. Every pixel, including every iota of you and me, and every pixel of space seemingly in between, is atomic matter and energy. My eyes could no longer perceive things as things that were separate from one another. Instead, the energy of everything blended together. My visual processing was no longer normal. (I compare this pixilated perspective to Impressionist pointillism paintings.) I was consciously alert and my perception was that I was in the flow. Everything in my visual world blended together, and with every pixel radiating energy we all flowed en masse, together as one. It was impossible for me to distinguish the physical boundaries between objects because everything radiated with similar energy.  Read more at location 925

****  (Note:  again, mystic self)  Prior to this morning, when I had experienced myself as a solid, I had possessed the ability to experience loss-either physical loss via death or injury, or emotional loss through heartache. But in this shifted perception, it was impossible for me to perceive either physical or emotional loss because I was not capable of experiencing separation or individuality. Despite my neurological trauma, an unforgettable sense of peace pervaded my entire being and I felt calm.  Read more at location 937

there was both freedom and challenge for me in recognizing that our perception of the external world, and our relationship to it, is a product of our neurological circuitry. For all those years of my life, I really had been a figment of my own imagination!  Read more at location 944

****  Wasn’t it interesting that although I could not walk or talk, understand language, read or write, or even roll my body over, I knew that I was okay? The now off-line intellectual mind of my left hemisphere no longer inhibited my innate awareness that I was the miraculous power of life. I knew I was different now–but never once did my right mind indicate that I was “less than” what I had been before. I was simply a being of light radiating life into the world.  Read more at location 951

(Note: mystic removal of judgment)  In the absence of my left hemisphere’s negative judgment, I perceived myself as perfect, whole, and beautiful just the way I was.  Read more at location 955

although I was mentally disabled, I was not unconscious. Our consciousness is created by numerous programs that are running at the same time. Each program adds a new dimension to our ability to perceive things in the three-dimensional world. Although I had lost my left hemisphere consciousness containing my ego center and ability to see my self as a single and solid entity separate from you, I retained both the consciousness of my right mind and the consciousness of the cells making up my body. Although one set of programs was no longer functioning-the one that reminded me moment by moment of who I was and where I lived, etc., the other parts of me remained alert and continued processing instantaneous information. In the absence of my traditional left hemispheric domination over my right mind, other parts of my brain emerged.  Read more at location 958

EIGHT

Neurological Intensive Care 

I experienced people as concentrated packages of energy. Doctors and nurses were massive conglomerations of powerful beams of energy that came and went. I felt rushed by an outer world that did not understand how to communicate with me. Because I could not speak or understand language, I sat silently on the sideline of life.  Read more at location 984

Although I could not understand the words they spoke, I could read volumes from their facial expression and body language. I paid very close attention to how energy dynamics affected me. I realized that some people brought me energy while others took it away.  Read more at location 990

Paying attention to what someone was saying took an enormous amount of effort, and I found it to be tiring. First, I had to pay attention with my eyes and ears, neither of which were working normally. My brain had to capture the sound and then match that sound up with a specific lip movement. Then, it had to search and see if there was any meaning for those combinations of sounds stored anywhere in my wounded brain. Once I got one word figured out then I had to search for combinations of words, and with an impaired mind, that took hours! The effort it took for me to pay attention to what someone was saying was like the effort it takes to pay attention to someone who is speaking on a cell phone with a bad connection.  Read more at location 1011

Since I was thinking in pictures, I had to start with a single image and then expand upon it. I could not start with the general and find the more specific without exploring the billions of possibilities-which was draining.  Read more at location 1028

When using pictures to navigate my way back into language, it was impossible to go from a general file to a specific detail.  Read more at location 1032

Imagine, if you will, what it would feel like to have each of your natural faculties systematically peeled away from your consciousness. First, imagine you lose your ability to make sense of sound coming in through your ears. You are not deaf, you simply hear all sound as chaos and noise. Second, remove your ability to see the defined forms of any objects in your space. You are not blind, you simply cannot see three-dimensionally, or identify color. You have no ability to track an object in motion or distinguish clear boundaries between objects. In addition, common smells become so amplified that they overwhelm you, making it difficult for you to catch your breath. No longer capable of perceiving temperature, vibration, pain, or proprioception (position of your limbs), your awareness of your physical boundaries shift. The essence of your energy expands as it blends with the energy around you, and you sense that you are as big as the universe. Those little voices inside your head, reminding you of who you are and where you live, become silent. You lose memory connection to your old emotional self and the richness of this moment, right here, right now, captivates your perception. Everything, including the life force you are, radiates pure energy. With childlike curiosity, your heart soars in peace and your mind explores new ways of swimming in a sea of euphoria. Then ask yourself, how motivated would you be to come back to a highly structured routine?  Read more at location 1043

NINE

Day Two: The Morning After 

Making the decision to recover was a difficult, complicated, and cognitive choice for me. On the one hand, I loved the bliss of drifting in the current of the eternal flow. Who wouldn’t? It was beautiful there. My spirit beamed free, enormous, and peaceful. In the rapture of an engulfing bliss, I had to question what recovery really meant. Clearly, there were some advantages to having a functional left hemisphere. It would allow me the skills of interacting with the external world again. In this state of disability, however, attending to what I perceived as chaos was pure pain, and the effort it would take for me to recover, well, was that my priority?  Read more at location 1083

Honestly, there were certain aspects of my new existence that I preferred over the way I had been before. I was not willing to compromise my new insights in the name of recovery. I liked knowing I was a fluid. I loved knowing my spirit was at one with the universe and in the flow with everything around me. I found it fascinating to be so tuned in to energy dynamics and body language. But most of all, I loved the feeling of deep inner peace that flooded the core of my very being. I yearned to be in a place where people were calm and valued my experience of inner peace. Because of my heightened empathy, I found that I was overly sensitive to feeling other people’s stress. If recovery meant that I had to feel like they felt all the time, I wasn’t interested.  Read more at location 1087

TEN

Day Three: G.G. Comes to Town 

Essentially, I had to completely inhabit the level of ability that I could achieve before it was time to take the next step. In order to attain a new ability, I had to be able to repeat that effort with grace and control before taking the next step. Every little try took time and energy, and every effort was echoed by a need for more sleep. By day four, I was still spending most of my time sleeping as my brain craved minimal stimulation. It was not that I was depressed, but my brain was on sensory overload and could not process the barrage of incoming information.  Read more at location 1191

I struggled with finding the right word and frequently confused meanings. I remember thinking water but saying milk. Cognitively, I struggled to comprehend my existence. I still couldn’t think in terms of past or future so I burned a lot of mental energy trying to piece together my present moment. Although thinking was very difficult for me, I was making cognitive improvement.  Read more at location 1203

Andrew came for his daily visit and one of the games he would play with me to assess my cognitive aptitude was to ask me to count backwards from 100 by sevens. This task was particularly difficult for me because the cells in my brain that understood mathematics had been permanently destroyed. I asked someone for the first few answers to that question and the next time Andrew asked me, I spewed three or four of the correct responses! I immediately confessed that I had cheated and really had no clue how to begin this task. But it was important to me that Andrew understand that although certain portions of my mind could not function, other parts of my brain, in this case my scheming mind, would compensate for lost abilities.  Read more at location 1213

ELEVEN

Healing and Preparing for Surgery 

It was as if I had an infant brain again and had to learn virtually everything from scratch. I was back to the basics. How to walk. How to talk. How to read. How to write. How to put a puzzle together. The process of physical recovery was just like stages of normal development. I had to go through each stage, master that level of ability, and then the next step unfolded naturally.  Read more at location 1229

A lot of stroke survivors complain that they are no longer recovering. I often wonder if the real problem is that no one is paying attention to the little accomplishments that are being made. If the boundary between what you can do and what you cannot do is not clearly defined, then you don’t know what to try next. Recovery can be derailed by hopelessness.  Read more at location 1251

She was considerate and let me sleep and sleep and sleep some more. Again, we both trusted that my brain knew what it needed in order for it to mend itself. As long as I was not sleeping due to depression, we respected the healing power of sleep.  Read more at location 1255

Neurons either thrive when connected in circuit with other neurons, or they die when they sit in isolation without stimulation. G.G. and I were both highly motivated to get my brain back, so we took advantage of every moment and every precious ounce of energy.  Read more at location 1281

****  (Note:   learning to notice color and infer 3d)  G.G. took me on a tour of my life. We began in the art space as I had an entire room set up for cutting stained glass. As I looked around the room, I was amazed. All of this gloriously beautiful glass! How delightful! I was an artist. And then she took me into my music room. When I strummed the strings on my guitar and then my cello, I marveled at the magic in my life. I wanted to recover.  Read more at location 1287

It still blows my mind (so to speak) that I could not see color until I was told that color was a tool I could use. Who would have guessed that my left hemisphere needed to be told about color in order for it to register? I found the same to be true for seeing in three dimensions. G.G. had to teach me that I could see things in different planes. She pointed out to me how some objects were closer or farther away, and that some things could be positioned in front of others. I had to be taught that items, which are positioned behind other items, may have some of their parts hidden, and that I could make assumptions about the shapes of things that I could not see in their entirety.  Read more at location 1313

As it turns out, the only neurons in my brain that actually died on the morning of the stroke were the ones capable of understanding mathematics. (How ironic it was that my mother had spent her entire life teaching mathematics!)  Read more at location 1321

Together we embarked upon the most arduous task I could imagine: teaching me to make sense of the written word. It befuddled me how she could think these squiggles were significant. I remember her showing me an “S” and saying, “This is an ‘S,’” and I would say, “No Mama, that’s a squiggle.” And she would say, “This squiggle is an ‘S’ and it sounds like ‘SSSSSS’.” I thought the woman had lost her mind. A squiggle was just a squiggle and it made no sound. My brain remained in pain over the task of learning to read for quite some time. I had a real problem concentrating on something that complicated. Thinking literally was hard enough for my brain at this early stage, but jumping to something abstract was beyond me. Learning to read took a long time and a lot of coaxing. First, I had to understand that every squiggle had a name, and that every squiggle had an associated sound. Then, combinations of squiggles-er-letters, fit together to represent special combinations of sounds (sh, th, sq, etc). When we string all of those combinations of sounds together, they make a single sound (word) that has a meaning attached to it! Geez! Have you ever stopped to think about how many tiny little tasks your brain is performing this instant just so you can read this book?  Read more at location 1335

Broca’s area in the front of my brain was having problems creating sounds while Wernicke’s in the back of my brain was confusing my nouns. There seemed to be a serious gap in my information processing and often I could not articulate what I was thinking. Although I would think that I wanted a glass of water, and picture a glass of water in my mind, the word “milk” would still come out of my mouth.  Read more at location 1349

I needed to be taught that the lines in the cement on the sidewalk were not significant and that it was okay for me to step on those. I needed to be told that, because otherwise I didn’t know. Then I needed to be taught that the line on the edge of the sidewalk was important because there was a dip there into the grass and if I was not careful, I could twist my ankle. Again, I didn’t know that and I needed to be told. And then there was the grass. I needed to be shown that the texture of the grass was different from the texture of the pavement and that sinking down into the grass was okay-I just needed to pay attention and adjust my balance. G.G. let me feel what it was like to walk on snow, and she held me while my foot slipped on ice. If she was going to exercise me outside, I had to relearn that each of these textures had different features, characteristics, and their unique hazards. She kept reminding me, “What’s the first thing a baby does with anything you give it?” The answer, of course, is that it puts it in its mouth to feel it. G.G. knew I needed to have direct physical contact with the world to learn kinesthetically.  Read more at location 1355

The greatest threat surgery posed was not only the loss of the language I had recovered, but also the loss of all future ability to ever become linguistically fluent. Since the golf ball-sized blood clot abutted the fibers running between the two language centers in my left hemisphere, it was possible that language might be excised during the surgical process.  Read more at location 1401

Although I failed miserably at reading and writing with a pen (left hemisphere/right hand), I could sit at my computer and type a simple letter (both hemispheres/both hands) that followed my stream of thought. It took me a very long time as I hunt-and-pecked at the keyboard, but somehow my body/mind connection made it happen. The most interesting thing about this experience was that after I finished typing the letter, I was not capable of reading what I had just written (left hemisphere)! G.G. edited the letter and sent it out the night following my surgery, along with a handwritten note. Since my recovery, I have heard of many stroke survivors who, although they could not speak (left hemisphere), they were capable of singing their messages (both hemispheres). I’m amazed at the resiliency and resourcefulness of this beautiful brain to find a way to communicate!  Read more at location 1406

TWELVE

Stereotactic Craniotomy 

Upon awakening, I realized that I felt different now. There was brightness in my spirit again and I felt happy. Up to this point, my emotions had been relatively flat. I had been observing the world, but not really engaging with it emotionally. I had missed my childlike enthusiasm since the hemorrhage and was relieved to feel like “me” again.  Read more at location 1427

THIRTEEN

What I Needed the Most 

Recovery was a decision I had to make a million times a day. Was I willing to put forth the effort to try? Was I willing to momentarily leave my newly found ecstatic bliss to try to understand or reengage with something in the external world? Bottom line, was I willing to endure the agony of recovery?  Read more at location 1446

****  (Note:   mystical access ascribed to right hemisphere)  In order for me to choose the chaos of recovery over the peaceful tranquility of the divine bliss that I had found in the absence of the judgment of my left mind, I had to reframe my perspective from “Why do I have to go back?” to “Why did I get to come to this place of silence?” I realized that the blessing I had received from this experience was the knowledge that deep internal peace is accessible to anyone at any time. I believe the experience of Nirvana exists in the consciousness of our right hemisphere, and that at any moment, we can choose to hook into that part of our brain. With this awareness, I became excited about what a difference my recovery could make in the lives of others-not just those who were recovering from a brain trauma, but everyone with a brain! I imagined the world filled with happy and peaceful people and I became motivated to endure the agony I would have to face in the name of recovery. My stroke of insight would be: peace is only a thought away, and all we have to do to access it is silence the voice of our dominating left mind.  Read more at location 1452

I desperately needed people to treat me as though I would recover completely. Regardless of whether it would take three months, two years, 20 years, or a lifetime, I needed people to have faith in my continued ability to learn, heal, and grow. The brain is a marvelously dynamic and ever-changing organ. My brain was thrilled with new stimulation, and when balanced with an adequate amount of sleep, it was capable of miraculous healing. I have heard doctors say, “If you don’t have your abilities back by six months after your stroke, then you won’t get them back!” Believe me, this is not true. I noticed significant improvement in my brain’s ability to learn and function for eight full years post-stroke, at which point I decided my mind and body were totally recovered.  Read more at location 1460

****  (Note:   very cool analogy: brain to children)  I think of the brain as a playground filled with lots of little children. All of these children are eager to please you and make you happy. (What? You think I’m confusing children with puppies?) You look at the playground and note a group of kids playing kickball, another group acting like monkeys on the jungle gym, and another group hanging out by the sand box. Each of these groups of children are doing different yet similar things, very much like the different sets of cells in the brain. If you remove the jungle gym, then those kids are not going to just go away, they are going to mingle with other kids and start doing whatever else is available to be done. The same is true for neurons. If you wipe out a neuron’s genetically programmed function, then those cells will either die from lack of stimulation or they will find something new to do. For example, in the case of vision, if you put a patch over one eye, blocking visual stimulation coming into the cells of the visual cortex, then those cells will reach out to the adjacent cells to see if they can contribute their efforts toward a new function. I needed the people around me to believe in the plasticity of my brain and its ability to grow, learn, and recover.  Read more at location 1468

(Note: importance of sleep)  When it comes to the physical healing of cells, I cannot stress enough the value of getting plenty of sleep. I truly believe that the brain is the ultimate authority on what it needs to heal itself. As I mentioned earlier, for my brain, sleep was “filing time.” While awake, energy stimulation poured into my sensory systems and I was rapidly burned out by photons stimulating my retinal cells and sound waves beating chaotically on my tympanic membrane. My neurons could not keep up with the demand and quickly became incapable of making sense of any incoming information. At the most elementary level of information processing, stimulation is energy, and my brain needed to be protected, and isolated from obnoxious sensory stimulation, which it perceived as noise.  Read more at location 1476

I know various methodologies are practiced at rehabilitation facilities around the country, yet I remain a very loud advocate for the benefits of sleep, sleep, sleep, and more sleep interspersed with periods of learning and cognitive challenge.  Read more at location 1486

I needed people to love me-not for the person I had been, but for who I might now become. When my old familiar left hemisphere released its inhibitions over my more artistic and musically creative right hemisphere, everything shifted and I needed my family, friends, and colleagues to support my efforts at re-inventing myself. At the essence of my soul, I was the same spirit they loved.  Read more at location 1489

I had given a major presentation that had been professionally videotaped at the National NAMI convention just a few months prior to the hemorrhage. My primary strategy for recovering my speaking skills was to watch that video over and over again. I studied how that woman (me) on the stage worked with the microphone. I watched how she held her head and body and how she walked across the stage. I listened to her voice, the melody of how she strung words together, and how altering her volume moved her audience. I learned how to do what she did by watching her. I learned how to be me again, how to act like me and walk and talk like me again, by watching that video.  Read more at location 1529

Reading for comprehension was a disaster. On my first meeting with my speech therapist, Amy Rader, I was to read a story that had 23 facts in it. She had me read the story out loud and then answer her questions. Out of 23 questions I scored two right!  Read more at location 1544

linearly. As long as every moment existed in isolation, then I could not string ideas or words together. From the inside, I felt as though the reading part of my brain was all but dead and was not interested in learning again.  Read more at location 1548

For a successful recovery, it was important that we focus on my ability, not my disability. By celebrating my achievements every day, I stayed focused on how well I was doing. I made the choice that it didn’t matter if I could walk or talk or even know my name. If all I was doing was breathing, then we celebrated that I was alive-and we breathed deeper together.  Read more at location 1554

a few weeks after surgery, my left brain language center started to come back online and talk to me again. Although I really loved the bliss of a silent mind, I was relieved to know that my left brain had the potential to recover its internal dialogue. Up to this point, I had struggled desperately to link my thoughts together and think across time. The linearity of internal dialogue helped build a foundation and structure for my thoughts.  Read more at location 1559

My successful recovery was completely dependent on my ability to break every task down into smaller and simpler steps of action.  Read more at location 1576

I really needed people to take responsibility for the kind of energy they brought me. We encouraged everyone to soften their brow, open their heart, and bring me their love. Extremely nervous, anxious or angry people were counter-productive to my healing.  Read more at location 1593

****  (Note:  self control with emotions)  One of the greatest lessons I learned was how to feel the physical component of emotion. Joy was a feeling in my body. Peace was a feeling in my body. I thought it was interesting that I could feel when a new emotion was triggered. I could feel new emotions flood through me and then release me. I had to learn new words to label these “feeling” experiences, and most remarkably, I learned that I had the power to choose whether to hook into a feeling and prolong its presence in my body, or just let it quickly flow right out of me. I made my decisions based upon how things felt inside. There were certain emotions like anger, frustration or fear that felt uncomfortable when they surged through my body. So I told my brain that I didn’t like that feeling and didn’t want to hook into those neural loops.  Read more at location 1596

****  (Note:  exactly!)  Nothing external to me had the power to take away my peace of heart and mind. That was completely up to me. I may not be in total control of what happens to my life, but I certainly am in charge of how I choose to perceive my experience.  Read more at location 1609

FOURTEEN

Milestones for Recovery 

The number one question that I am most frequently asked is, “How long did it take you to recover?” My standard response, and I don’t mean to be trite, is, “Recover what?” If we define recovery as regaining access to old programs, then I am only partially recovered. I have been very fussy this time around about which emotional programs I am interested in retaining and which ones I have no interest in giving voice to again (impatience, criticism, unkindness). What a wonderful gift this stroke has been in permitting me to pick and choose who and how I want to be in the world. Before the stroke, I believed I was a product of this brain and that I had minimal say about how I felt or what I thought. Since the hemorrhage, my eyes have been opened to how much choice I actually have about what goes on between my ears.  Read more at location 1613

Walking became a very important part of my routine. When you feel like a fluid it’s impossible to know where your physical boundaries begin and end. Walking helped me become strong again, and within the course of that first year I managed to average three miles a day several times a week.  Read more at location 1656

Post-stroke year two was spent reconstructing, as best I could recall, the morning of the stroke. I worked with a Gestalt therapist who helped me verbalize my right hemisphere experience of that morning. I believed that helping people understand what it felt like to experience the neurological deterioration of my mind might help caregivers better relate to stroke survivors.  Read more at location 1671

Prior to the stroke, I had been an avid Free Cell player (solitaire) but it was three years before I could wrap my mind around this card game again. On the physical plane, it took four years of walking with my hand weights, three miles a day, several times a week, before I could walk with a smooth rhythm. During the fourth year, my mind became capable of multitasking-even simple things like talking on the phone while boiling pasta.  Read more at location 1685

To my amazement, however, by the fourth post-stroke year, my brain was ready to tackle addition again. Subtraction and multiplication came online around post-stroke year four and a half, but division eluded me until well into year five. Working with flash cards helped me drill basic math back into my brain.  Read more at location 1692

By the end of the fifth year, I could jump from rock to rock along the beaches in Cancun without looking at where my feet were landing.  Read more at location 1695

The highlight of my sixth post-stroke year was the fulfillment of my dream of having enough oomph in my body to climb steps two at a time. Imagery has been an effective tool for regaining physical functions.  Read more at location 1697

For the first seven years, my dreams had been a bizarre reflection of what was going on in my brain. Instead of having dreams with people and a storyline, my mind scrolled tiny unrelated bits of data. I presume this reflected how my brain pieced pixilated information together to form a complete image. It was shocking when my dreams started featuring people and a storyline again. In the beginning, the scenes were broken and nonsensical. By the end of that seventh year, however, my mind was so busy during the night that I felt little refreshment upon waking. During the eighth year of recovery, my perception of myself finally shifted from that of being a fluid back to that of being a solid.  Read more at location 1710

I confess that although I celebrate being a solid again, I really miss perceiving myself as a fluid. I miss the constant reminder that we are all one.  Read more at location 1716

FIFTEEN

My Stroke of Insight 

The question I faced over and over again was, Do I have to regain the affect, emotion or personality trait that was neurologically linked to the memory or ability that I wanted to recover? For instance, would it be possible for me to recover my perception of my self, where I exist as a single, solid, separate from the whole, without recovering the cells associated with my egotism, intense desire to be argumentative, need to be right, or fear of separation and death? Could I value money without hooking into the neurological loops of lack, greed, or selfishness? Could I regain my personal power in the world, play the game of hierarchy, and yet not lose my sense of compassion or perception of equality among all people? Could I reengage with my family and not hook into my issues related to being a little sister? Most important, could I retain my newfound sense of connection with the universe in the presence of my left hemisphere’s individuality?  Read more at location 1742

Modern neuroscientists seem satisfied intellectualizing about the functional asymmetries of our two hemispheres from a neurological perspective, but there has been minimal conversation pertaining to the psychological or personality differences contained within these two structures. Most commonly, the character of our right mind has been ridiculed and portrayed in an extremely unflattering light, simply because it does not understand verbal language or comprehend linear thought.  Read more at location 1753

****  (Note:   self of right hemisphere as self-less)  The two halves of my brain don’t just perceive and think in different ways at a neurological level, but they demonstrate very different values based upon the types of information they perceive, and thus exhibit very different personalities. My stroke of insight is that at the core of my right hemisphere consciousness is a character that is directly connected to my feeling of deep inner peace. It is completely committed to the expression of peace, love, joy, and compassion in the world.  Read more at location 1763

just about everyone I speak with is keenly aware that they have conflicting parts of their personality. Many of us speak about how our head (left hemisphere) is telling us to do one thing while our heart (right hemisphere) is telling us to do the exact opposite. Some of us distinguish between what we think (left hemisphere) and what we feel (right hemisphere). Others communicate about our mind consciousness (left hemisphere) versus our body’s instinctive consciousness (right hemisphere). Some of us talk about our small ego mind (left hemisphere) compared with our capital ego mind (right hemisphere), or our small self (left hemisphere) versus our inner or authentic self (right hemisphere). Some of us delineate between our work mind (left hemisphere) and our vacation mind (right hemisphere), while others refer to their researcher mind (left hemisphere) versus their diplomatic mind (right hemisphere). And of course there is our masculine mind (left hemisphere) versus our feminine mind (right hemisphere), and our yang consciousness (left hemisphere) countered by our yin consciousness (right hemisphere). And if you are a Carl Jung fan, then there’s our sensing mind (left hemisphere) versus our intuitive mind (right hemisphere), and our judging mind (left hemisphere) versus our perceiving mind (right hemisphere). Whatever language you use to describe your two parts, based upon my experience, I believe they stem anatomically from the two very distinct hemispheres inside your head.  Read more at location 1773

I believe the more time we spend running our inner peace/compassion circuitry, then the more peace/compassion we will project into the world, and ultimately the more peace/compassion we will have on the planet.  Read more at location 1786

From a neuroanatomical perspective, I gained access to the experience of deep inner peace in the consciousness of my right mind when the language and orientation association areas in the left hemisphere of my brain became nonfunctional. The brain research performed by Drs. Andrew Newberg and the late Eugene D’Aquili15 earlier this decade have helped me understand exactly what was going on in my brain. Using SPECT technology (single photon emission computed tomography), these scientists identified the neuroanatomy underlying our ability to have a religious or spiritual (mystical) experience. They wanted to understand which regions of the brain were involved in our capacity to undergo a shift in consciousness-away from being an individual to feeling that we are at one with the universe (God, Nirvana, euphoria). Tibetan meditators and Franciscan nuns were invited to meditate or pray inside the SPECT machine.  Read more at location 1789

****  These experiments identified shifts in neurological activity in very specific regions in the brain. First, there was a decrease in the activity of the left hemisphere language centers resulting in a silencing of their brain chatter. Second, there was a decrease in activity in the orientation association area, located in the posterior parietal gyrus of the left hemisphere. This region of our left brain helps us identify our personal physical boundaries. When this area is inhibited or displays decreased input from our sensory systems, we lose sight of where we begin and where we end relative to the space around us.  Read more at location 1797

SIXTEEN

My Right and Left Minds 

I do believe that the consciousness we exhibit is the collective consciousness of whatever cells are functioning, and that both of our hemispheres complement one another as they create a single seamless perception of the world.  Read more at location 1808

our minds are highly sophisticated “seek and ye shall find” instruments. We are designed to focus in on whatever we are looking for. If I seek red in the world then I will find it everywhere.  Read more at location 1830

My right hemisphere is all about right here, right now. It bounces around with unbridled enthusiasm and does not have a care in the world. It smiles a lot and is extremely friendly. In contrast, my left hemisphere is preoccupied with details and runs my life on a tight schedule. It is my more serious side. It clenches my jaw and makes decisions based upon what it learned in the past. It defines boundaries and judges everything as right/wrong or good/bad. And oh yes, it does that thing with my brow.  Read more at location 1835

My right mind is all about the richness of this present moment. It is filled with gratitude for my life and everyone and everything in it. It is content, compassionate, nurturing, and eternally optimistic. To my right mind character, there is no judgment of good/bad or right/wrong, so everything exists on a continuum of relativity. It takes things as they are and acknowledges what is in the present.  Read more at location 1839

In the consciousness of my right mind, we are laced together as the universal tapestry of human potential, and life is good and we are all beautiful–just the way we are. My right mind character is adventurous, celebrative of abundance, and socially adept. It is sensitive to nonverbal communication, empathic, and accurately decodes emotion. My right mind is open to the eternal flow whereby I exist at one with the universe. It is the seat of my divine mind, the knower, the wise woman, and the observer. It is my intuition and higher consciousness. My right mind is ever present and gets lost in time.  Read more at location 1847

My right mind understands that I am the life force power of the fifty trillion molecular geniuses crafting my form! (And it bursts into song about that on a regular basis!) It understands that we are all connected to one another in an intricate fabric of the cosmos, and it enthusiastically marches to the beat of its own drum. Freed from all perception of boundaries, my right mind proclaims, “I am a part of it all. We are brothers and sisters on this planet. We are here to help make this world a more peaceful and kinder place.” My right mind sees unity among all living entities, and I am hopeful that you are intimately aware of this character within yourself.  Read more at location 1865

Our left brain truly is one of the finest tools in the universe when it comes to organizing information. My left hemisphere personality takes pride in its ability to categorize, organize, describe, judge, and critically analyze absolutely everything. It thrives in its constant contemplation and calculation. Regardless of whether or not my mouth is running, my left mind stays busy theorizing, rationalizing, and memorizing. It is a perfectionist and an amazing housekeeper of corporation or home.  Read more at location 1877

Our right brain perceives the longer wavelengths of light. As a result, the visual perception of our right mind is somewhat blended or softened. This lack of edge perception enables it to focus on the bigger picture of how things relate to one another. Similarly, our right mind tunes in to the lower frequencies of sound that are readily generated by our body gurgles and other natural tones. Consequently, our right mind is biologically designed to readily tune in to our physiology. In contrast, our left brain perceives the shorter wavelengths of light, increasing its ability to clearly delineate sharp boundaries. As a result, our left mind is biologically adept at identifying separation lines between adjacent entities. At the same time, our left hemisphere language centers tune in to the higher frequencies of sound, which help them detect, discriminate, and interpret tones commonly associated with verbal language.  Read more at location 1890

During the process of recovery, I found that the portion of my character that was stubborn, arrogant, sarcastic, and/or jealous resided within the ego center of that wounded left brain. This portion of my ego mind held the capacity for me to be a sore loser, hold a grudge, tell lies, and even seek revenge. Reawakening these personality traits was very disturbing to the newly found innocence of my right mind. With lots of effort, I have consciously chosen to recover my left mind’s ego center without giving renewed life to some of those old circuits.  Read more at location 1918

SEVENTEEN

Own Your Power 

I define responsibility (response-ability) as the ability to choose how we respond to stimulation coming in through our sensory systems at any moment in time. Although there are certain limbic system (emotional) programs that can be triggered automatically, it takes less than 90 seconds for one of these programs to be triggered, surge through our body, and then be completely flushed out of our blood stream.  Read more at location 1924

(Note: for Riley)  Within 90 seconds from the initial trigger, the chemical component of my anger has completely dissipated from my blood and my automatic response is over. If, however, I remain angry after those 90 seconds have passed, then it is because I have chosen to let that circuit continue to run.  Read more at location 1928

By paying attention to the choices my automatic circuitry is making, I own my power and make more choices consciously. In the long run, I take responsibility for what I attract into my life. Nowadays, I spend a whole lot of time thinking about thinking just because I find my brain so fascinating. As Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” There has been nothing more empowering than the realization that I don’t have to think thoughts that bring me pain.  Read more at location 1937

I recognize that mistakes will be made, but this does not mean that I need to either victimize myself or take your actions and mistakes personally. Your stuff is your stuff, and my stuff is my stuff. Feeling deep inner peace and sharing kindness is always a choice for either of us. Forgiving others and forgiving myself is always a choice. Seeing this moment as a perfect moment is always a choice.  Read more at location 1959

EIGHTEEN

Cells and Multidimensional Circuitry 

My good friend Dr. Jerry Jesseph lives his life by the philosophy “Peacefulness should be the place we begin rather than the place we try to achieve.” I interpret this to mean that we should stem from the peaceful consciousness of our right mind and use the skills of our left mind to interact with the external world. He has also coined the phrase “dual interpenetrating awarenesses” to describe the relationship between the two halves of our brain. I think this is a profound and accurate perspective. Thanks to our corpus callosum, our two hemispheres are so intricately interwoven that we perceive ourselves as a single individual. However, through our understanding that we have two very distinct ways of being in the world, we can deliberately choose to have much more power over what’s going on inside our brains than we ever imagined!  Read more at location 1964

Neuronal loops (circuits) of fear, anxiety or anger, can be triggered by all sorts of different stimulation. But once triggered, these different emotions produce a predictable physiological response that you can train yourself to consciously observe. When my brain runs loops that feel harshly judgmental, counter-productive, or out of control, I wait 90 seconds for the emotional/physiological response to dissipate and then I speak to my brain as though it is a group of children.  Read more at location 1996

I whole-heartedly believe that 99.999 percent of the cells in my brain and body want me to be happy, healthy, and successful. A tiny portion of the story-teller, however, does not seem to be unconditionally attached to my joy, and is excellent at exploring thought patterns that have the potential to really derail my feeling of inner peace. This group of cells has been called many things; some of my favorites include the Peanut Gallery, the Board of Directors, and the Itty Bitty S#*?!y Committee. These are the cells in our verbal mind that are totally resourceful in their ability to run our loops of doom and gloom.  Read more at location 2008

I’m a devout believer that paying attention to our self-talk is vitally important for our mental health. In my opinion, making the decision that internal verbal abuse is not acceptable behavior, is the first step toward finding deep inner peace. It has been extremely empowering for me to realize that the negative story-teller portion of my brain is only about the size of a peanut!  Read more at location 2018

I keep a handy list of three things available for me to turn my consciousness toward when I am in a state of need: 1) I remember something I find fascinating that I would like to ponder more deeply, 2) I think about something that brings me terrific joy, or 3) I think about something I would like to do. When I am desperate to change my mind, I use such tools.  Read more at location 2030

I have also found that when I am least expecting it-feeling either physically tired or emotionally vulnerable-those negative circuits have a tendency to raise their hurtful heads.  Read more at location 2032

If I want to retain my inner peace, I must be willing to consistently and persistently tend the garden of my mind moment by moment, and be willing to make the decision a thousand times a day.  Read more at location 2035

Our patterns of thought are grounded in rich multidimensional circuitry that we can learn to scrutinize. First, each thought pattern has a subject–something that I am cognitively thinking about.  Read more at location 2037

Second, each thought pattern may or may not be accompanied by an adjoining emotional circuit of which I am cognizant.  Read more at location 2040

Finally, these specific circuits of thought and emotion may also be linked with some of my more complex physiological circuitry, which upon stimulation would result in predictable behavior.  Read more at location 2042

Finding the balance between observing our circuitry and engaging with our circuitry is essential for our healing. Although I celebrate my brain’s ability to experience all of my emotions, I am cautious about how long I remain hooked into running any particular loop. The healthiest way I know how to move through an emotion effectively is to surrender completely to that emotion when its loop of physiology comes over me. I simply resign to the loop and let it run its course for 90 seconds. Just like children, emotions heal when they are heard and validated. Over time, the intensity and frequency of these circuits usually abate. Really powerful thoughts are perceived as powerful because they simultaneously run multiple circuits of emotion and physiology.  Read more at location 2056

From my perspective, the focused human mind is the most powerful instrument in the universe, and through the use of language, our left brain is capable of directing (or impeding) our physical healing and recovery. My verbal left ego mind functions as the head-cheerleader of my fifty trillion molecular geniuses, and when I periodically encourage my cells with You go girls!, I can’t help but think this induces some sort of vibration within my body that promotes a healing environment. I’m a believer that when my cells are healthy and happy, I am healthy and happy.  Read more at location 2079

I do believe that all symptoms of severe mental illness stem from a biological basis: which cells are communicating with which cells, with which chemicals and in what quantities of those chemicals.  Read more at location 2084

NINETEEN

Finding Your Deep Inner Peace

****  (Note:   existential self-less peace)  Based upon my experience with losing my left mind, I whole-heartedly believe that the feeling of deep inner peace is neurological circuitry located in our right brain. This circuitry is constantly running and always available for us to hook into. The feeling of peace is something that happens in the present moment. It’s not something that we bring with us from the past or project into the future. Step one to experiencing inner peace is the willingness to be present in the right here, right now. The more aware we are of when we run our loop of deep inner peace, the easier it is for us to purposely choose to hook into that circuitry.  Read more at location 2101

if you are having difficulty accessing the consciousness of your right mind circuitry, then it is probably because you have done a stupendous job learning exactly what you were taught while growing up. Congratulate your cells for their successes, and realize that, as my good friend Dr. Kat Domingo proclaims, “Enlightenment is not a process of learning, it is a process of unlearning.”  Read more at location 2107

(Note: wow, same idea I use for myself)  The first thing I do to experience my inner peace is to remember that I am part of a greater structure-an eternal flow of energy and molecules from which I cannot be separated (see Chapter Two). Knowing that I am a part of the cosmic flow makes me feel innately safe and experience my life as heaven on earth.  Read more at location 2114

(Note: mindful existentialism)  In order to come back to the present moment, we must consciously slow down our minds. To do this, first decide you are not in a hurry. Your left mind may be rushing, thinking, deliberating, and analyzing, but your right mind is very m-e-l-l-o-w.  Read more at location 2120

To help me find my way back into my peaceful right mind, I look at how my body organizes information into systems and capitalize on those already established circuits. I find that paying attention to sensory information as it streams into my body is a very helpful tool. However, I don’t just focus on the sensory information, I consciously hook into the physiological experience underlying that sensory circuitry. I ask myself repeatedly, how does it feel to be here doing this?  Read more at location 2136

One of the easiest ways to shift just about anyone’s mood (for better or for worse) is through stimulation of their nose. If you are overly sensitive, life in the real world can be unbearable. Capitalizing on our noses to shift ourselves back into the present moment is easy. Light a scented candle and let vanilla, rose or almond lift you up beyond your recollections of stress.  Read more at location 2154

When it comes to vision, there are basically two ways you can use your eyes. Take a moment right now to look at the view in front of you. What do you see? Your right mind takes in the big picture. It sees the view as a whole where everything is relative. It observes the entire expanse and does not focus on any of the details. Your left mind immediately focuses in on the contour of individual objects and delineates the specific entities making up the view.  Read more at location 2164

Our largest and most diverse sensory organ is our skin. Just as our brain runs various circuits that think, experience emotion or involve specific combinations of physiological reactivity, our skin is stippled with very specific receptors capable of detecting very specific forms of stimulation. As with our other senses, we are all unique in how sensitive we are to light touch, pressure, heat and cold, vibration, and pain.  Read more at location 2183

for many of us, if our left mind cannot smell it, taste it, hear it, see it or touch it, then we are skeptical as to whether or not it exists. Our right brain is capable of detecting energy beyond the limitations of our left mind because of the way it is designed. I hope your level of discomfort about such things as energy dynamics and intuition has decreased as you have increased your understanding about the fundamental differences in the way our two hemispheres collaborate to create our single perception of reality.  Read more at location 2211

we are energy beings designed to perceive and translate energy into neural code may help you become more aware of your own energy dynamics and intuition. Can you sense the mood of a room when you first walk in? Ever wonder why you seem to be content one minute and then fraught with fear the next? Our right hemisphere is designed to perceive and decipher the subtle energy dynamics we perceive intuitively. Since the stroke, I steer my life almost entirely by paying attention to how people, places, and things feel to me energetically. In order to hear the intuitive wisdom of my right mind, however, I must consciously slow my left mind down so I am not simply carried along on the current of my chatty story-teller. Intuitively, I don’t question why I am subconsciously attracted to some people and situations, and yet repelled by others. I simply listen to my body and implicitly trust my instincts.  Read more at location 2214

If you are involved in sports, you have the power to choose how you want to perceive yourself in relationship to your target or goal. You can see yourself as separate–you positioned at spot A and your target at spot Z, or you can see yourself at one with the target and in the flow with all the atoms and molecules in the space between.  Read more at location 2225

****  (Note:   right brain and mystic wholeness of self with universe)  Our right brain perceives the big picture and recognizes that everything around us, about us, among us and within us is made up of energy particles that are woven together into a universal tapestry. Since everything is connected, there is an intimate relationship between the atomic space around and within me, and the atomic space around and within you–regardless of where we are. On an energetic level, if I think about you, send good vibrations your way, hold you in the light, or pray for you, then I am consciously sending my energy to you with a healing intention. If I meditate over you or lay my hands upon your wound, then I am purposely directing the energy of my being to help you heal. How the arts of Reiki, Feng Shui, acupuncture, and prayer (to mention only a few) work remain pretty much medical mysteries. This is mostly because our left brains and science have not yet successfully caught up with what we understand to be true about how our right hemisphere functions. However, I believe our right minds are perfectly clear about how they intuitively perceive and interpret energy dynamics.  Read more at location 2228

Lots of people use movement and exercise to shift their minds. Yoga, Feldenkrais, and Tai Chi are awesome tools for personal development, relaxation, and growth. Non-competitive sports are also a great way to get you back into your body and out of your left brain. Walking in nature, singing, creating, and playing music, or getting lost in the arts can easily shift your perspective back to the present moment.  Read more at location 2240

If I had to pick one output (action) word for my right mind, I would have to choose compassion. I encourage you to ask yourself, what does it mean to you to be compassionate?  Read more at location 2261

Generally, most of us are compassionate with those we see as our equals. The less attached we are to our ego’s inclination for superiority, the more generous of spirit we can be with others. When we are being compassionate, we consider another’s circumstance with love rather than judgment.  Read more at location 2263

If I had to choose one word to describe the feeling I feel at the core of my right mind, I would have to say joy. My right mind is thrilled to be alive! I experience a feeling of awe when I consider that I am simultaneously capable of being at one with the universe, while having an individual identity whereby I move into the world and manifest positive change. If you have lost your ability to experience joy, rest assured the circuitry is still there. It is simply being inhibited by more anxious and/or fearful circuitry.  Read more at location 2268

Ultimately, everything we experience is a product of our cells and their circuitry. Once you have tuned in to how different circuits feel inside your body, then you can pick and choose how you want to be in the world.  Read more at location 2289

physical pain is a physiological phenomenon that is specifically designed to alert our brain that tissue damage has occurred somewhere in our body. It’s important we realize that we are capable of feeling physical pain without hooking into the emotional loop of suffering.  Read more at location 2299

Death is a natural process we all must experience. Just realize that deep inside your right mind (deep within your heart’s consciousness) rests eternal peace. The easiest way I have found to humble myself back into a state of peaceful grace is through the act of gratitude. When I am simply grateful, life is simply great!  Read more at location 2305

TWENTY

Tending the Garden

I have learned so much from this experience with stroke, that I actually feel fortunate to have taken this journey. Thanks to this trauma, I have had the chance to witness firsthand a few things about my brain that otherwise I would never have imagined to be true.  Read more at location 2310

I always end my e-mails with a tag-line quote from Einstein. I believe he got it right when he said, “I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what I will be.”  Read more at location 2316

my ability to be in the world is completely dependent on the integrity of my neurocircuitry. Cell by beautiful cell, circuit by neurocircuit, the consciousness I experience within my brain is the collective awareness established by those marvelous little entities as they weave together the web I call my mind. Thanks to their neural plasticity, their ability to shift and change their connections with other cells, you and I walk the earth with the ability to be flexible in our thinking, adaptable to our environment, and capable of choosing who and how we want to be in the world. Fortunately, how we choose to be today is not predetermined by how we were yesterday.  Read more at location 2317

our DNA is not a dictator, and thanks to our neurons’ plasticity, the power of thought, and the wonders of modern medicine, very few outcomes are absolute. Regardless of the garden I have inherited, once I consciously take over the responsibility of tending my mind, I choose to nurture those circuits that I want to grow, and consciously prune back those circuits I prefer to live without.  Read more at location 2326

Your body is the life force power of some fifty trillion molecular geniuses. You and you alone choose moment by moment who and how you want to be in the world. I encourage you to pay attention to what is going on in your brain. Own your power and show up for your life. Beam bright!  Read more at location 2336