Transcriber: robotchangeling
Keith: Yeah, they’ve got…they’ve got a bunch of weird stuff in there.
Ali: Mm.
Keith: China.
Ali: [laughs] Who did that?
Jack: Lebanon?
Keith: I don't know.
Ali: They were just like, “You know what? Maine. China, Maine.”
Keith: Yeah.
Ali: “China, comma, Maine is what we need.”
Keith: I think they have a Japan too.
Jack: You're kidding me.
Keith: I'm not 100%.
Ali: Did they see all the English places and were like, “You know…”
Keith: [laughs quietly] Yeah, they’re like, “We’re done with naming… [Ali laughs quietly] We’re done with England. We’re spreading out.”
Ali: Uh huh. But I can't break theme. They weren't brave enough to break theme.
Keith: Yeah. But they’ve even got other U.S. places. Like, they have a Houston.
Ali: Huh.
Jack: They have a Portland.
Keith: They have a Portland. I don't know— I think they were the original Portland, though.
Jack: The original Portland.
Keith: Well, the original U.S. Portland. I can't tell you about another Portland somewhere else.
Jack: Hmm, that’s true.
Ali: Sure.
Jack: Bridgton. They have a place called Sweden!
Keith: They have Sweden. Yeah, Sweden is, like, very central.
Ali: Sweden, Maine is very central to Maine? [Jack laughs quietly]
Keith: Uh, it is, like, around where all the big resort ski areas are.
Ali: Huh.
Jack: What the fuck is going on? Okay, I get on the five. I drive through Sweden. I keep going. I pass through Norway. [Ali laughs quietly] I head north through Paris.
Keith: I know, it’s outrageous.
Jack: Take a brief detour through Dickvale, [others laugh] before entering the town of Peru? What is happening?
Ali: Wow.
Keith: I know, I know. You could take a quick trip down to the coast, see Belfast and Bath and…
Ali: And, you know, you go to Peru, and it’s not even like they have an ironic Peruvian spot, right?
Jack: No, no, let’s see.
Ali: It’s all just hoagies and… [Keith laughs]
Jack: Yeah.
Ali: Mac and cheese, and… [laughs quietly]
Keith: I don't know. I don't know.
Jack: I'm going into Google Street View Peru.
Keith: And if you don't want to take that far up, you could stay closer to the rest of New England and take a dip in the icy waters of Saco Biddeford.
Ali: Sure. Sure.
Jack: Let me just put this in the chat here real quick. Peru. It’s uploading.
Ali: Okay, yeah. We’re all recording, right?
Jack: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ali: [laughs] Also, you just sent us a message that said “Peru.”
Keith: Peru, yeah, just said “Peru.” Okay, so I've got this street.
Ali: Wait, at least screen share.
Jack: Oh, yeah, that’s true. That is very true, Ali.
Ali: I thought you meant to give us a link. That’s why I was laughing at the message.
Jack: No, no, no, no, no.
Ali: Then I realized you were…you were gonna, like, build a twine for us essentially in our Discord.
Jack: Of Peru. [quiet laughter] Well, look, Peru looks very nice here. It’s August 2018.
Ali: It’s very lush, yeah.
Keith: Mm-hmm.
Jack: There’s this, uh, little railway going by.
Ali: Uh huh.
Jack: We can see we’re right next to…oh, fuck. Fuck. [Ali laughs] Tozier’s Autobody.
Ali: Yeah. Okay, sure.
Keith: Nice.
Jack: Well, which way do we want to go? Do we want to go around this corner, or do we want to go this way?
Ali: Well, that looks like a cul-de-sac.
Keith: Yeah, there’s a little cul-de-sac in there.
Ali: I think that we should go around the corner.
Keith: Let’s go around the corner.
Ali: Yeah.
Keith: Have some mystery.
Jack: Yeah. Nice bit of Peruvian mystery going on here.
Keith: Mm-hmm.
Jack: Uh, we got some nice big houses.
Ali: Okay, sure.
Jack: Okay. This is—
Ali: This is Main Street, Peru? As far as we can tell?
Jack: This is, as far as I understand it, Main Street, Peru, as far as we can tell.
Ali: Okay.
Jack: Yeah. This house. I want to see what they got on their porch here. These people have, like, some kids’ play equipment.
Keith: Yeah. Now, this is what’s so funny about Maine is it’s one of the least multicultural places you can go in the country.
Ali: Mm, mm-hmm.
Jack: Except—
Keith: And so it is really just a— it’s, like, deeply rural American in its vibe, and so to have everywhere named after places around the globe is so ridiculous to me. [Ali laughs quietly] It’s so funny.
Jack: I wonder how it happened.
Keith: Yeah, I don't— I couldn't tell you.
Ali: There has to be— somebody had to have written about this.
Jack: Yeah, what’s going on?
Keith: What’s going on in Maine?
Jack: It’s gonna be, like, Annie Rauwerda. I want to see a Defector piece about this. Why has Maine got all these weird names? See, now we’re fully out of Peru.
Keith: Peru does not seem very big.
Jack: No.
Keith: You said it was a resort town.
Jack: No, that’s Wells.
Keith: Oh.
Jack: Let’s go back down Canton Road, the—
Keith: That’s where I used to live.
Jack: You lived on Canton Road?
Keith: I lived on Canton Ave, when I was in Massachusetts. That was where I grew up.
Jack: Huh. The Sixth Canton of Sangfielle. Oh, here we have a little cemetery. Wow, this cemetery is not populated. Look at how much room these folks have.
Keith: I know. Yeah, I know. Barely anyone dies in Maine.
Jack: [laughs quietly] It’s a problem.
Keith: [laughs quietly] It’s a problem, yeah. It’s overpopulated.
Jack: [laughs quietly] That is not true, as far as I know.
Keith: It’s just you've got, like, an 80% chance of living for 500 years.
Jack: Wow, look at this. This is for sale.
Keith: Okay.
Jack: There is this little stand of pine trees, and there’s a bench under the pine trees.
Ali: Ohh.
Jack: Here. Doesn't that look nice?
Keith: Yeah. Basically all of Maine looks like where I grew up, like the place where my house was.
Ali: Uh huh. I have a paragraph to read.
Jack: Oh, you've been researching.
Ali: Yeah. [clears throat]
Keith: Okay, about Peru and Maine?
Ali: “Maine was being settled in the 18th and 19th century, a particularly rigorous time for revolutions in many of the European colonies. Obviously, many of the newly American settlers of Maine had a particular regard for this revolutionary fervor. So Mexico in Oxford County, incorporated in 1818, was named in sympathy with that of the country's ongoing war for independence, which it won in 1821.”
Keith: Wow.
Ali: “Similarly, the people of Peru—south of Mexico in Maine as in the Americas, although not as far south—changed the name of that town from Partridgetown upon incorporation in 1821, just after the original Peru won its independence.”
Jack: Huh.
Ali: So.
Jack: There’s a sort of…there’s a weird move going on here, right? [Ali laughs] Where it’s like, “We respect your independence so much that we’re gonna name this American town after you.”
Ali: Uh huh.
Jack: Wow!
Ali: They were just like, “Yeah. Kudos, y'all.”
Jack: Wow.
Keith: That’s so odd.
Jack: [laughs quietly] Shoutout to the small town of Partridge celebrates Peruvian revolutionaries. [Ali and Keith laugh] Isn’t that great? Holy shit.
Keith: I guess that’s…I guess that’s a better reason than any reason I could have guessed.
Ali: Yeah. I agree.
Jack: I haven't seen a single person. This is very pleasant. I do like just wandering on Google Street View.
Ali: Yeah.
Jack: To me, it is the cat television of birds that you used to watch, Ali.
Ali: Oh, sure, sure, sure. To me—
Jack: I don't know if you still watch.
Keith: Ali, you used to watch cat television?
Ali: Yeah. [laughs quietly] It used to be a thing that I did either when—
Keith: Oh, this was before you learned about people television. [Jack and Ali laugh]
Ali: Yeah, uh huh. Uh huh. [laughs] Yeah, I did the cat television first. No, sometimes while we were recording and while I had a second monitor, I would watch the bird streams to keep me from fidgeting around in different tabs, and I realized that I…I did that back then because I changed the orientation of my desk and I didn't have, like, a window to look out of anymore.
Jack: Aw.
Ali: And I realize that I've also done that recently, so maybe it’s time to get the bird videos back.
Keith: Bring ‘em back, get a second monitor?
Ali: Yeah.
Jack: Yeah.
Keith: Start watching cat videos.
Jack: They’re good.
Keith: Again, not videos of cats. Videos for cats.
Ali: Videos for cats, yeah.
Jack: Right.
Ali: It’s a single camera on usually some sort of—
Keith: Sitcom. [Ali and Jack laugh] A sitcom. [laughs]
Ali: Some sort of complicated bird viewing setup.
Keith: Yeah.
Ali: Or usually it’s just a bunch of seeds stranded, like, on a log that’s been placed in somewhere that’s very pleasant to look at.
Jack: Yeah.
Ali: And the birds, they come and go.
Jack: Hey, what do you think these things are?
Ali: And they chitter, and they move around.
Jack: It’s lovely. I love cat television.
Keith: Uh, those look like plows. Those are plows for snow.
Ali: Oh!
Jack: Oh.
Ali: Oh, it is!
Keith: Yeah, yeah.
Ali: Just without the car attached.
Jack: Look at this. Here on 85 Peru Center Road. [Ali laughs] Peru Road Department.
Keith: Lot of plowing to get done in Maine.
Jack: Oh yes.
Keith: Lots of back roads, lots of, uh…
Ali: This is really revealing, like, how suburbsy the places that I grew up in.
Keith: Yeah.
Ali: Because I keep on being like, “Where’s Main Street? Where’s, like, the stores?”
Keith: This is— Maine is the country. I mean, do you know— I mean, what is 100 miles north of where Jack is right now?
Jack: Uh, north…
Keith: It’s the Appalachian Mountains.
Jack: That’s not true, Keith. [Ali laughs quietly]
Keith: Yeah, it is.
Jack: Oh, you mean— right. [laughs]
Keith: Yeah. Sorry, in the Google Street View, not—
Jack: I thought you meant in Los Angeles County.
Ali: Oh, I was like—
Keith: I was like—
Ali: I was like, “No.” I was like—
Keith: I panicked for a second, like I'm an idiot and I don't know where Appalachia starts. [Ali laughs]
Jack: I can tell you it does not start in— oh, look at this beautiful river!
Ali: Oh, wow.
Keith: What a very beautiful river.
Ali: Yeah, this is dense with trees.
Keith: Yeah, this is the country.
Jack: I want to go on Green Island, but it doesn't look like there’s a bridge. I could probably cross here when it’s shallow?
Ali: Oh, maybe.
Keith: Androscoggin River.
Ali: Just get a little boat.
Jack: Get a little boat! Oh my god! Get a little boat, go on Green Island.
Ali: But it would be scary. It would be scary out there. Are you kidding me?
Jack: What, on Green Island?
Ali: Yeah, there’s not— because, like, it’s all— that’s just for animals now.
Keith: Okay, how funny would it be if you found an undiscovered species? [Ali laughs quietly] This is like your Galapagos. [Jack laughs] Just no one had taken the time to look at Green Island.
Ali: But—
Jack: I go to Green Island, and I find, like, the Green Island river dog or something. [Keith laughs]
Ali: I wouldn't know. Right?
Keith: Yeah.
Jack: Right.
Ali: Like, if I—
Jack: How do you know?
Ali: Yeah. If I saw a bird that had never been seen before…
Keith: Not in a million years would that make it into a paper.
Jack: No. I would just see it, and I'd go, “Huh.”
Ali: Yeah. Like, there could be a situation where I'm, like, on Green Island, and I see this bird, and in that moment, I'm like, “Oh, that’s a cool bird. I should try to take a picture of it,” and then, like, I tweet it out, and then my birding friends are like, “Oh, I don't know what this is,” and then they retweet it, and then, like, a real birding person is like, “Oh, I've never— wait, I don't—”
Jack: “I have never seen that before in my goddamn life.”
Ali: “Did you edit this video?” and then, like, it becomes, like, a big sensation. I think that’s the only way that it happens.
Jack: Yeah.
Ali: But that’s based on the, like, 2% chance I take a picture of that bird.
Jack: Right, right.
Keith: Right.
Jack: Right. Now, if the bird has six heads or something…
Keith: Right.
Ali: Oh, sure.
Jack: If it is clearly, you know…
Keith: The Green Island six headed warbler.
Ali: Right.
Jack: [chuckles] Yes. It can sing in polyphony.
Ali: Yeah.
Jack: But if it’s just a regular—
Keith: It’s one bird that can do chords. [Jack laughs]
Ali: Oh. Keep zooming out.
Jack: Keep zooming out?
Keith: Yeah, keep zooming out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ali: Keep zooming out until we feel like we find, like, a mall.
Jack: A mall? [Ali laughs]
Keith: A mall, yeah.
Jack: Okay. Sure. [Ali laughs] Ali. Keith and I have both lived— spent, I think, most of our lives in the country, right, Keith? [Ali laughs]
Keith: I had a weird situation. I grew up in the woods, but I grew up only 25 minutes from a mall.
Jack: What do we think this is?
Keith: Aliens.
Ali: Oh.
Jack: Look at this.
Ali: Well, that’s like a little walking trail.
Keith: It looks like a public park.
Ali: Yeah.
Keith: Yeah, like a hiking trail.
Jack: Can I go there?
Keith: Like a wooded park.
Jack: No. Red. All right, let’s find a mall. Thank you for tuning into Let’s Find a Mall, a new… [Ali and Jack laugh] a new podcast.
Ali: Where are we currently?
Jack: We’re in Peru, Ali!
Ali: We’re above Peru, Maine.
Keith: Yeah.
Ali: Yeah.
Jack: Yeah, although— so, this is really cool. Look at this. This looks like a…oh, wow! This is where the powerlines are, so they’ve had to cut through the forest.
Keith: It looks—
Ali: Oh.
Keith: Oh, I grew up near one of— or not grew up. I lived in my teens near one of those. There was like…when I used to go to UMass Boston, and by that I mean used to skip class and walk two miles to Barnes and Noble.
Ali: Mm-hmm.
Jack: Uh huh.
Keith: And read in Barnes and Noble all day, part of my walk cut through one of those massive— it was, like, two mile long wooded area that was just, like, feeding powerlines through it.
Ali: Wow.
Jack: What’s happened here?
Keith: Little fire, looks like. [Ali gasps]
Jack: [gasps] Okay. Mall hunt! [Ali laughs quietly]
Keith: Yeah. Uh, Jack is good at a lot of things, but one of them isn't zooming out to find a mall. [Ali and Jack laugh]
Jack: I'm getting sidetracked by Dickvale!
Keith: Yes. Yes, I know.
Jack: Okay. That’s a quarry. This is just graveyard. [laughs quietly] Temporarily closed.
Keith: This is now, like, 100 square miles or maybe 200 square miles?
Ali: Uh huh.
Jack: Something like that.
Keith: Of woods. This is all the woods.
Ali: Wow.
Jack: Yeah, it’s beautiful. Lewiston is where we’re gonna go, right?
Keith: And there we go. I think we’re starting to see the mountain. Oh, no, this is ocean. Mountain’s maybe— maybe we’re just not in the right part of Maine.
Jack: Ocean is sort of a bit like mountain, sort of.
Ali: Sure.
Keith: It’s the mountain of the sea. [Ali laughs]
Jack: Maybe the mountain is the mountain of the sea. Ocean is the mountain of water.
Keith: Well, the sea is the hill of the ocean.
Ali: Mm, mm-hmm.
Jack: The…yeah. Yeah.
Ali: I'm seeing a Mcdonalds.
Jack: Uh, is a Walmart Supercenter good enough for you, Ali?
Ali: Okay, yeah. Sure.
Jack: Do we want to go inside?
Keith: And do we know how many miles that was from where we were?
Jack: Uh, let’s find out. Yep. [Ali and Jack laugh]
Keith: Yep, that looks like a Walmart anywhere. We could now be in any state in America.
Ali: Uh huh.
Jack: Uh, we are not on the West Coast. These trees do not look like LA. We could be on—
Keith: Well, sorry, I mean just look at the Walmart. Here, this view here.
Jack: Oh yeah, wham, there we go.
Keith: Wham, that’s a Walmart. [Ali laughs quietly]
Jack: And that’s their slogan: “Wham! That’s a Walmart.”
Keith: Wham! That’s a Walmart.
Jack: All right, let’s see. So, we are at the Walmart.
Keith: [voice] You've been Walmarted. Bew bew bew bew bew!
Jack: [laughs quietly] That’s what they say when they turn someone into a Walmart using dark magic.
Keith: Yeah. [laughs]
Ali: Mm.
Keith: What city is this?
Jack: Lewiston. Lewiston, Maine.
Keith: Okay. I'm sure there’s a mall in Lewiston.
Jack: And I want to go to Peru, Maine.
Keith: Right. Peru—
Jack: There’s a Peru, Massachusetts and a Peru in Vermont?
Keith: Wow. Wow. [Ali laughs]
Jack: Wait, Peru tour! [laughs quietly] Okay.
Ali: Oh.
Jack: Peru, Maine. We are…that’s by bicycle. We are 32 miles away from a mall.
Ali: Okay. 41 in a car.
Keith: And it doesn't look like there’s a significantly better option, at least at this view. Maybe instead of going south, you could have gone southwest— southeast, I mean. There was another little city.
Jack: Maybe Waterville? I don't know, but even when we get to, like, Sherbrooke, no way.
Keith: Oh, that’s way further away, yeah.
Ali: Oh, yeah, that’s way too far.
Jack: Yeah. Well, so, now I—
Ali: All just trees, huh?
Jack: It’s all just trees. It’s amazing. Okay, now I want to search for Peru…there’s a Peru in New York? [Ali laughs] And a Peru in Massachusetts. Well, I'm just gonna go down the list.
Keith: I guess Peru is not one of the weird ones in—
Jack: Peru in New York is comparatively close. Whoa, Peru in New York is just across whatever this lake is.
Keith: Wait, so hold on. Ali, you were saying that they were naming the towns in Maine after places that had revolutions because of the revolutionary spirit of the Maine settlers.
Ali: According to mainepublic.org.
Keith: Okay.
Ali: Unverified. They could've just said that.
Keith: That’s— and it was on unverified.org? That’s such a weird place to go for… [all laugh]
Ali: No, I'm just saying I have not— I have yet to cross-reference…
Jack: Right, do your due journalistic diligence.
Ali: Yeah. Uh huh.
Keith: Right.
Ali: I'm just quoting mainepublic.org.
Jack: Mm-hmm. Written by Steven King.
Ali: Anyway, where were you going with that?
Keith: Um…I just, I want to know where they’re getting their information. Like, there’s no…
Ali: Oh.
Keith: There’s not a lot of information about the world available to a 1780s Mainer.
Ali: Well, they were getting it enough—
Keith: I guess they have a newspaper. You know, you got a newspaper
Ali: To be like, “Listen, we’re Peru now.” [Ali and Jack laugh quietly]
Keith: We’re Peru now. We’re China now. [Ali laughs]
Jack: Okay. Time for the next Peru. That was Peru, New York. Where are we going?
Ali: Wait, I thought you were gonna do directions.
Jack: Oh my god.
Ali: Like, if we were doing a Peru road trip.
Jack: Yeah, okay. Sounds great, Ali. This is not what we signed up to do this podcast for. It’s worth saying, in case this shows up anyway.
Keith: This actually is what I signed up to do.
Jack: We arrived today to do a Gathering Information, but it turns out that we’re gathering information about Peru. [Ali laughs]
Keith: Right.
Jack: Okay. Peru, uh…where did we start? Maine. Peru, Maine.
Ali: Okay.
Jack: Then, I want to drive—
Ali: And then go to Vermont. Right?
Jack: No, I'm gonna start Peru…yeah, Peru, Vermont, which is just across the river. That’s gonna take me four hours to drive. Put it on the map, please.
Ali: Mm-hmm.
Keith: Okay. I have a great answer for—
Jack: Now we’re going to Peru, New York. I'll arrange these in a different way, because we can figure out a good way to do this.
Ali: Oh, I see. Okay, yeah.
Jack: Then I'm going to Peru, Massachusetts. No. I want Peru, Massachusetts, which is down there, and then I want Peru.
Ali: Oh, right. Okay, right. [Ali and Keith laugh]
Jack: So, let’s go to…
Keith: Last leg’s a bit of a hike.
Jack: Let’s go to Lima. [Ali laughs]
Keith: Uh, couldn't do it.
Jack: Okay, well, so, let’s start…oh, that’s gonna fuck this all.
Ali: What’s the northmost Peru?
Jack: The northmost Peru is Peru.
Keith: Oh, okay.
Ali: Uh huh.
Jack: It’s Peru, Maine. No, Peru—
Keith: No, no, I think the other one’s northern, more north. Look at that. I think that’s the—
Jack: That’s Peru, New York. So, you want to start—
Keith: That’s the northerliest Peru.
Jack: Okay, so we could make a sort of spiral if we wanted.
Keith: Yeah.
Ali: Sure.
Jack: We could start in—
Keith: This sort of looks like an alien, like, music notation. This is like a weird clef that doesn't exist. [Jack and Ali laugh quietly]
Jack: It looks like a kitty cat, Keith. That’s its left ear.
Keith: No.
Jack: That’s its right ear. [Ali laughs quietly]
Keith: This looks like a cat— maybe a cat that, like, a two-year-old would draw.
Jack: Yeah, Keith, they draw it by drawing correct lines for the shortest possible route between the three Perus of the Northeast.
Keith: I have a sentence about China, Maine, where I was like, “Did they really name China, Maine after some, like, dynasty change in China? That sounds so odd.” No, that’s not what they did. “In 1774, a family named Clark settled in the area and established Jones’ Plantation. Jones' Plantation was incorporated into Harlem. The area's name was provided by Massachusetts legislative member Japheth Wasburn. On June 25,” that’s my birthday, “1818, the Town of China was incorporated by combining Harlem, Fairfax, and Winslow. The name was chosen by Japheth Washburn. He wanted to call it Bloomville, but the people from the town of Bloomfield objected, saying that the similarity of the names could cause confusion. Mr. Washburn settled on the name China, because it was the name of one of his favorite hymns.”
Ali: Oh.
Keith: “This widely sung hymn was written by Timothy Swan of Northfield, Massachusetts in 1790 and was published in Swan's ‘New England Harmony’ in 1801.”
Jack: The hymn is called “China”?
Keith: I guess so.
Jack: That’s almost certainly going to be racist, right? [Ali laughs]
Keith: It could be about, like, porcelain.
Ali: Sure.
Jack: Uh, just doing some quick research.
Ali: Jack, can you do me a favor?
Jack: Ali.
Ali: Can you grab the Vermont stop and drag it down to be above the Massachusetts stop?
Jack: Let’s see. The Vermont stop is— where is that to? That is— oh, here. You want me to drag it down— drag this one.
Ali: No, no, no. On the list of doing them.
Jack: Oh. Take the Vermont one down below Massachusetts like this?
Ali: No, put— no, no, no, above Massachusetts.
Jack: Like that?
Ali: Oh.
Jack: Oh, we made a T. [laughs]
Ali: How do you cut the…? How do you make it better?
Jack: What are you trying to do here?
Ali: I'm trying to make it the most efficient. We lost an hour doing that, you see. Because you don’t have to go up.
Jack: Oh, yeah.
Ali: You don't have to swirl, right? You just go straight. You go down.
Jack: Right, right, right. Shit. Yeah. Okay, so, where do we want to start?
Ali: Do we start in Maine and then go to New York?
Jack: We could start in Maine, which would be here. Then, we could—
Ali: Oh, and then you're not crossing— yeah.
Jack: Then we got to Vermont?
Ali: Then we go to New York. We go through Vermont to go to New York. We don't hit…oh.
Jack: No, but then we have to cross our path here from…
Ali: Right, yeah, yeah.
Jack: Ooh.
Ali: Put Vermont back down.
Jack: Oh, uh…
Ali: Yeah. Now it’s only nine hours!
Jack: Is this good?
Ali: We saved three hours from how it was originally. [laughs]
Jack: How—?
Keith: We saved three, but the whole— but isn't the point to see the Perus?
Jack: Why—?
Keith: And the spaces between them?
Ali: Well, that’s— but still.
Keith: Okay, that’s fair. Would you like to hear the lyrics to “China”? [Ali laughs]
Jack: Yeah, go for it, Keith.
Keith: “Why do we mourn departing friends,
Or shake at death’s alarms?
‘Tis but the voice that Jesus sends
To call them to his arms.
Why should we tremble to convey
Their bodies to the tomb?
There the dear flesh of Jesus lay,
And vanished all the gloom.
Thence he rose, ascended high,
And show’d our feet the way:
Up to the Lord our souls shall fly,
At the great rising day.”
That’s it. That’s the whole thing.
Ali: Thank you for blessing this recording, Keith. I would like to invite everybody to go to time.is. [Jack laughs]
Keith: So, but the thing is: not racist, but also not about China.
Ali: Mm-hmm.
Keith: Or I cannot make a connection between the two words.
Ali: Maybe he wrote it while he was there? He was doing, like, a missionary or whatever?
Keith: Maybe.
Ali: Were they doing those back then?
Jack: I’m just trying to sight read it. [laughs quietly] It sounds exactly like you think it is. It’s a waltz. It’s in…it’s got B flat and E flat in it, which means it’s in…uh, I don't know what key that’s in. I'm good to time.is.
Keith: Okay. [Ali laughs]
Jack: Okay. It’s Bastille Day!
Ali: Oh, wow.
Keith: [sarcastic] Shoutout to the Bastille.
Jack: Shout— no! No, Keith! Shoutout not to— Keith, I think you've misunderstood Bastille Day.
Keith: No, Bastille’s the day that we all cheer for the Bastille?
Jack: Keith, no. We do not all cheer… [laughs quietly]
Keith: And its important role in being a sort of minor prison?
Jack: [laughs] Okay, when are we clapping?
Ali: 15?
[they clap]
Keith: I went to one of those places where everyone puts on Old West gear and then you take an expensive picture.
Dre: Mm.
Keith: Yeah. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Jack: Oh, did we?
Sylvia: I've never been to one of these, but I am Canadian, so…
Keith: Right.
Sylvia: They probably just don't have them here.
Dre: Sure.
Janine: That’s not an excuse, though. I think maybe it’s, like, a thing—
Sylvia: Oh, have you been to one?
Dre: Yeah, there’s Canadian cowboys, I bet.
Janine: No, my…well, that’s a whole other conversation. [Sylvia laughs] But my parents went to one, so I have pictures of them dressed as cowboys, like old-timey sepia pictures.
Dre: Mm. I have a question.
Janine: Yeah.
Dre: Are trappers just French Canadian cowboys?
Sylvia: Mm…
Janine: No.
Keith: No, because we had trappers too.
Janine: We have a whole thing—
Dre: That’s fair.
Janine: A whole event that I think is going on right now called the Calgary Stampede. We have a whole— half our country, geographically—
Dre: Oh, yeah, the football team.
Janine: Oh my god. Half our country geographically is, like, prairie and stuff.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Dre: Yeah.
Janine: I guess not half. I guess, like, a third?
Sylvia: A good chunk. I said it—
Janine: And then, like, a third is snow, and then the other third is trees.
Dre: Sure.
Sylvia: I said the Canadian thing, and then I realized how wrong I was, like, immediately, because like… [Jack laughs]
Janine: Uh huh.
Jack: Because everybody dunked on you.
Sylvia: I'm just…I’m one of those Ontario elitists.
Dre: Isn’t the Calgary Stampede…? That is a sports team, right? I'm not just…? Okay.
Janine: I think it’s probably— I think it’s named after the event, though. Yeah.
Austin: No, you're right.
Dre: Gotcha.
Austin: It is the Canadian Football League team also.
Dre: Okay.
Austin: Sorry, they’re the Stampeders.
Dre: Okay, all right.
Austin: Mm-hmm.
Keith: Oh, they are the ones who stampede.
Austin: Mm-hmm.
Keith: They are not the stampede.
Dre: I know that, and I know the Argonauts, and that’s all I got.
Austin: The Argonauts?
Janine: Who are the Argonauts?
Dre: I believe that’s Toronto?
Jack: That’s a good name.
Sylvia: The Argonauts are the Toronto team.
Dre: Yeah.
Austin: Ah.
Janine: Oh.
Austin: The CFL Toronto team.
Sylvia: The Argos, yeah.
Dre: Because my dad brought me a Toronto Argonauts sweatshirt home when he had a business trip to Canada when I was, like, seven.
Janine: Like, as a joke?
Dre: No, just as—
Janine: Oh.
Austin: When you're a kid, you want—
Dre: My dad isn't very good at buying gifts sometimes.
Austin: Yeah, well, and also just, like, whatever. You were in a place. You got a thing. You like football.
Dre: Yeah, totally.
Austin: You're a little kid.
Dre: Yeah.
Janine: That’s true. That’s fair.
Jack: I feel like that’s a primo “dad comes back from a business trip” gift.
Keith: Mm.
Austin: Yeah.
Keith: I always got Jelly Bellys.
Austin: Hmm.
Keith: That’s an airport gift.
Austin: That’s an airport gift. I wasn't gonna say it.
Keith: That’s a low-effort, last-minute…yeah. [Ali laughs]
Austin: Keith, I wasn't gonna say it, but that’s in duty-free.
Sylvia: I also got the low-effort airport gifts, so.
Austin: Yeah.
Janine: I got Red Baron french bread pizzas and a glass bottle coke.
Austin: Mm-hmm.
Ali: Mm.
Dre: Oh, this makes so much more sense now that I know your dad used to be a trucker.
Austin: Right.
Janine: Uh huh.
Keith: To this day, love popcorn Jelly Bellys.
Austin: Sure.
Jack: Really? You like them?
Keith: Oh my—
Jack: I can't stand them. [Dre laughs]
Janine: Ugh.
Austin: They’re fun. They’re fun.
Keith: Not only do I like them, they’re one of my all-time favorite tastes.
Austin: Hmm.
Jack: That’s incredible.
Janine: I don't like things that taste like they’re supposed to be hot but they’re not hot.
Ali: Mm, mm-hmm.
Dre: Mm.
Austin: You can have cold popcorn.
Keith: It helps that these don't taste like buttered popcorn at all. They taste like some weird other thing.
Janine: [unconvinced] Mm.
Jack: What’s the drink, Ali, that tastes like biting into an apple?
Austin: Snapple Apple.
Ali: Snapple Apple
Jack: Is that just Snapple Apple, or is it—?
Austin: Yeah.
Jack: It’s Snapple Apple? Yeah.
Dre: Ooh, it rhymes.
Keith: There’s also the Nantucket Nectars Red Plum that tastes like [Dre: Mm.] biting into a delicious red plum.
Ali: Oh, yeah?
Janine: Ooh.
Keith: It’s really good. It’s really good. We've talked about it before on Friends at the Table. [Jack laughs] Like, you know, six years ago.
Austin: Right. I'll be right back. One second.
Keith: I think this is a COUNTER/Weight conversation is me being like, “People should try the Nantucket Nectars Red Plum. It’s really good.”
Janine: I bet I can't get that up here.
Sylvia: I do remember the name Nantucket Nectars being brought up frequently for a bit there.
Dre: That is a good name.
Keith: Yeah.
Dre: It’s a good brand.
Sylvia: I mean, it’s memorable.
Dre: Yeah.
Keith: It’s memorable.
Sylvia: Hey, did you know that there were American CFL teams?
Dre: No. That’s fun.
Janine: Are they, like, from Wisconsin and Michigan or…?
Sylvia: No, there’s—
Dre: No, one’s definitely in Buffalo would be my guess.
Sylvia: No, there isn't.
Austin: [quietly] I'm back.
Dre: Oh.
Janine: Hmm.
Sylvia: I have the list. We can make this a little game while we wait. [laughs quietly]
Austin: I'm back. I'm back. I'm back.
Dre: Okay, yeah.
Sylvia: Oh, okay.
Dre: Are they only in northern states?
Sylvia: No, there’s one in Vegas. There’s Memphis, Vegas, Sacramento, San Antonio. There’s a Shreveport, Iowa team.
Austin: Is this the XFL team? The XFLs?
Sylvia: CFL.
Austin: CFL.
Keith: These are American CFL teams.
Sylvia: These are CFL USA teams.
Austin: Interesting.
Sylvia: Defunct now.
Dre: Yeah.
Austin: Interesting.
Keith: Oh, all defunct?
Sylvia: Yes, yes.
Keith: Oh, wow.
Sylvia: This was, like, when I was two years old.
Austin: God.
Sylvia: Wait, no, this was before I was born.
Janine: This feels like we want to play in a league, but we can't get in the big one, so [Dre: Yes.] what if we just join this one.
Keith: Right.
Sylvia: Yeah, it was very much like a minor league.
Austin: Well…
Keith: You're big enough—
Dre: Welcome to every football league that’s not the NFL.
Janine: Mm-hmm.
Austin: I mean, that’s most sports have that ability.
Keith: Yeah.
Janine: Yeah.
Austin: And then the NFL is just a nightmare, so it’s been hard to break in.
Sylvia: To close this off, I'm gonna send the proposed logo for the Miame Manatees, because it’s pretty good.
Austin: Ooh, I'm excited.
Dre: That’s very good. That’s a good name.
Austin: Oh, that’s fun.
Sylvia: It’s in scheduling chat.
Austin: That’s fun. I'd wear that on a shirt.
Keith: Wow. Yeah.
Sylvia: Yeah, I would import that into a Madden game to make that my logo.
Austin: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ali: Oh, that’s a baseball. Okay.
Austin: Nope.
Janine: No. [laughs]
Keith: No, that’s football.
Ali: Oh, that’s a football. Well, it’s…
Keith: Football.
Ali: Yeah, it’s…yeah.
Janine: Ahh. [Sylvia laughs]
Keith: Oh, yeah, well it’s a football, yeah.
Ali: I was like, “Is this a face, and that’s like a weird mouth? Like, is that an eyeball?”
Austin: Mm…mm.
Dre: Oh man, this is—
Ali: What’s happening here?
Austin: Mm-hmm.
Janine: I love that you went to baseball and not basketball even. [Ali laughs]
Austin: Incredible.
Ali: I'm batting a thousand today. This is gonna be…
Janine: Mm-hmm.
Austin: In baseball, which this is.
Janine: A thousand footballs.
Ali: Yeah. [laughs]
Janine: Batting a thousand footballs.
Austin: Right.
Janine: They’re really easy to hit. [Dre laughs]
Austin: Right, right.
Keith: My favorite non-professional, like, sub-pro league team name and logo is the Greensboro Grasshoppers. I love this grasshopper man.
Austin: Yeah!
Sylvia: That’s so cute!
Janine: Yeah, he’s fun.
Austin: That’s very cute.
Ali: Oh, wow.
Austin: If you told me that, like—
Dre: Oh, that’s a good little guy.
Janine: Is his face split in half?
Austin: What? No, no, no.
Keith: No, he’s just got, like, a little weird grasshopper face.
Janine: Oh, it’s his eye. I thought he had teeth in the middle of his face.
Keith: Oh, okay.
Austin: Oh.
Janine: But it’s his eye, his second eye.
Dre: New beginnings.
Ali: Oh.
Sylvia: I want, like, a t-shirt with this guy on it.
Austin: Yeah, this guy’s great. Who made this?
Keith: I've wanted a hat of this guy for a long time.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Austin: Who designed this?
Keith: I don't know.
Austin: What else have they designed?
Janine: Walt Disney.
Ali: Do they make these hats?
Austin: They gotta.
Keith: Yeah, yeah. You totally can buy a Greensboro Grasshopper hat.
Sylvia: It’s probably just one of those things— can you order them online, or is it, like, a you have to go to Greensboro to get them?
Austin: His name is Guilford.
Keith: I think you can order them online. His name’s Guilford?
Austin: Yeah, it’s the name— it’s Greensboro’s county name.
Dre: Oh.
Keith: Guilford, the Greensboro Grasshopper.
Austin: Yeah, fans selected the name Guilford.
Dre: Grasshopper I'd Like to Fuck. That’s what I'm saying.
Sylvia: Jesus Christ! [Keith and Dre laugh]
Ali: Excuse me?
Austin: It’s with a U. It’s with a U?
Dre: Oh.
Austin: It’s G-U-I. [Keith and Ali laugh]
Dre: Uh, Grasshopper U'd Like to Fuck, then, I guess.
Ali: Yeah.
Austin: U-I, though.
Ali: Yeah. Oh, yeah, put it on us, Dre. [Austin and Dre laugh]
Keith: Grasshopper User Interface Fuck.
Austin: Uh huh. That’s right.
Ali: Gee.
Dre: Anyway, there’s the website, if you want to…
Ali: Yeah, these are great hats.
Austin: Mm-hmm.
Keith: Yeah, yeah. [Ali laughs] I just broadly had my eye on that orange colored hat for a long time and just not bought it yet.
Ali: Mm-hmm.
Austin: I'm just saying: when I was like, “I feel like ABO is a thing you'd be familiar with, Dre…” [Sylvia, Keith, and Ali laugh] And now you’re out here trying to fuck grasshoppers and putting that on me.
Janine: Mm-hmm.
Dre: That’s really just a— that was more of— you said something that sounded like “GILF,” so.
Austin: Yeah, uh huh. [Ali laughs]
Sylvia: Damn.
Janine: No, we know. It’s just…
Sylvia: It’s just, also…
Dre: Yeah.
Janine: Additionally.
Austin: Mm-hmm. Who designed…
Dre: Man. I'll never beat the allegations. [Austin, Ali, and Jack laugh]
Sylvia: ABO, which of course stands for the American Baseball Organization.
Dre: Yeah, exactly. [laughs]
Jack: Right, right, right, right, right.
Austin: Mm-hmm.
Keith: Look at this. Look at this! This cap’s great.
Austin: Sugar Mascots Inc., out of Toronto, Canada.
Dre: Oh, that’s a great hat.
Sylvia: Toronto mentioned!
Janine: Oh, that hat rules.
Keith: This is an amazing hat!
Ali: Yeah.
Austin: Oh, this hat rules.
Ali: There’s a lot of good hats.
Janine: It’s like an Animal Crossing hat.
Austin: This hat fucking rules. Okay. Time.is.
Dre: Yeah.
Janine: Uh oh, one second. Let me get it open. Okay.
Ali: Is Jack— oh, Jack’s on the call.
Sylvia: Yeah!
Austin: Uh huh.
Jack: Hi.
Austin: Don't worry about it.
Keith: Yeah, no one’s worried.
Ali: Get out of here.
Janine: I'm sure it’s fine.
Austin: 35?
[they clap]
Dre: Ooh, I missed it.
Austin: Okay, 45.
[they clap]
Austin: All right.
Janine: You all wake up in a ditch.
[“No Crisis” by Jack de Quidt plays]