Helpful Resources

The Bible! - Helpful bible verses to build into your heart and your children

www.healthychildren.org - More helpful advice for parents

Communication and Discipline - Good advice on a variety of subjects related to this

Disciplining your Children - Discipline tips

American Academy of Pediatrics - Helpful Advice on Childhood Development

Covenant Eyes - Internet Filtering

Additional Sermon Resources

Some material sourced from the Christian Research Institute at www.equip.org and the following article in particular: http://www.equip.org/article/christian-families-on-the-edge/

Other material sourced from the AAP - see links above.

Sermon Notes

A lot can be said about discipline, but I’d like to touch on a 3 of the more sensitive subjects for a few minutes:

• Authority vs. Authoritarianism - I believe it is important to know the difference and avoid the pitfalls of authoritarianism.

• Parents who live as the authority in their children’s lives will help them understand right from wrong, and their children will recognize them as the wise and godly parents they are. They are open to nurturing dialogue within appropriate limits.

• Parents as “authority” figures are characterized by a few things (list not inclusive): “No” is not a bad word, if appropriately placed. Questions are allowed if done in a respectful way. Discussion is appropriate and welcomed, especially as the children get older. Conflict is resolved without the use of shaming, guilt, or other more condemning, submissive expectations. Feelings are considered and discussed.

• Authoritarians really don’t like to be questioned. They are threatened by individuality. They need to be known, recognized and listened to. It goes beyond healthy discipline to the point of expecting submission.

• Authoritarians are characterized by (list not inclusive): Dialogue is not welcome. “No” is not an acceptable word. Matters of feelings are secondary to submission and obedience.

• “At some level, parents must become, for the child, models of humility instead of models of sovereignty. Parental overidentification with God’s authority confuses the child who eventually witnesses the parents’ imperfect/sinful humanity. This absolutizing of authority fails to recognize nuances and variables in human communication and situations and ignores possible emotional control issues and sinfulness within parents.” (Professor Rachel Ramer - IUE)
• For parents of young children it is usually pretty easy to hide our sinfulness to our children. They don’t pick up on it quickly or easily. They’re too wrapped up in their own worlds.
• For parents of older children - the veil has been torn! The little OZ himself becomes painfully obvious even to the most oblivious children. When we’re exposed, if we’ve lived that authoritarian mindset, our children will struggle and their image of God can become warped in the process.

• Try to avoid shame and guilt as a tool

• Children generally want to please. When we belittle them, or constantly put them down, or speak negatively without any positive reinforcement, our children develop character and perspectives that are rooted in self-doubt, insecurity, shame and guilt. Oh that we could reverse that trend in our society.
• Shame is often rooted in the need to control others. Not allowing your children to say “no” or express disappointment, or express their emotions at all is not healthy for them. They must be able to express an appropriate feeling at an appropriate time. This is all circumstantial, but allow your children to feel, and nurture that development.
• In avoiding shame, be careful to avoid making them feel bad as much as you make them aware they are wrong. That’s how our heavenly father treats us. So many adults are stuck today, trapped in shame and guilt, likely from these types of tapes that are playing in their heads where they’re taught to “feel bad” about their disobedience rather than simply recognize it as wrong and fix it. Before God, it is such a limiting factor in our lives. The issue is good behavior, right living, confident in our lives to tell the truth and live it. There is no “condemnation” or shame for those who are in Christ Jesus. (Rom 8:1)
• An appropriate amount of remorse is good. It lets us know that we recognize the gravity of the situation. But, we should never layer on more guilt or shame to make our remorse worse.

• Spanking and corporal punishment:

• American Academy of Pediatrics does not recommend spanking - Research has shown that, when compared with children who are not spanked, children who are spanked are more likely to become adults who are depressed, use alcohol, have more anger, hit their own children, hit their spouses, and engage in crime and violence. These adult outcomes make sense because spanking teaches a child that causing others pain is OK if you're frustrated or want to maintain control—even with those you love.
• But Scripture is very clear that we are not to spare the rod:

• Prov 13:24 - Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.
• Prov 22:15 - Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far away.
• Prov 23:13-14 - 13 Do not withhold discipline from a child,  if you punish them with the rod, they will not die. 14 Punish them with the rod and save them from death.

• Death is in this context is referring to a spiritual death.
• Remember that healthy discipline is a modeling of what God needs to do in our lives. God is concerned ultimately with our eternal destiny. He will not spare any expense if He thought it would encourage you to avoid eternity in Hell. Even death on the cross - the ultimate form of punishment - gruesome and horrific - and yet he did it though a 1000 other means were at his disposal. Healthy, appropriate discipline is one small price to pay for eternal hope.
• Let’s clarify a couple of things: the bible’s references to a rod are a thin stick, or a switch that is used to inflict minimal pain, but never physical damage. However, there is also a need to see the term rod in its context as being a more encompassing term for many forms of discipline.
• I think that corporal punishment can and should be a very last resort, and usually only from a repeated and willfully disobedient child that ignores all other forms of intervention. As the child becomes older, it is much less effective as a tool. And - it is never to be done in anger or out of frustration. Appropriately administered, it can be effective. Inappropriately administered it can cause long term and in some cases irreparable physical and emotional damage.

• Alternatives to corporal punishment - there are many. Let me offer several suggestions, these particular ones are pulled from the AAP as well.

• Natural Consequences - if a child repeatedly drop a cookie, no more cookie

• Don’t give in because they’re cute

• Logical Consequences - if Tommy or Susie don’t pick up their toys when they are told, they are warned that their toys will be put away for the day

• Mean what you say
• Follow through

• Withholding Privileges

• Never withhold something they need (like meals)
• Try to relate to the misbehavior and something they value
• For children younger than 6-7, must be done right away or it loses its impact

• Time Out - many ways to make this effective - see website for more details.

• Tips for making discipline more effective (healthychildren.org)

• Be aware of their abilities - don’t equate frustration with not being able to do something with disobedience
• Think before you speak
• Don’t give in
• Work toward consistency
• Pay attention to their feelings
• Learn from mistakes, including your own

Specific application to your family

There so many specific questions for which there are numerous God inspired resources for parenting. Issues ranging from “am I spoiling my child” to “how much should they eat” to how much should they be involved in” and “what to do if their friends are being bad influences”, “is it ok if they sleep so much” and on and on. As they get older, issues of drugs, pornography, smoking, “hanging out” and significant others come into play. All of these issues are very unique and specific to your family and are influenced by the way you have parented up to now, or by the way you will parent. If you want some specific help with a specific issue, please contact a pastor or another family you trust so we can work through it prayerfully and find a good plan together.