Silly Synopses of Flintlocks and Fireballs

Episode 1 Fake Beards & Broken Necks

This story is a pirate, sorry privateer, and sorcery, and adventure tale with characters that don’t resemble you or your uncle. Unless, of course you and your uncle are otherworldly creatures who live their lives addicted to dice rolls and having strangers telling them what to do. To each their own, I guess.

We start out in a tavern in a harbor town. Technology is pretty much a no go. Gas lights and wooden sailing ships and magic, yeah, that stuff is around. But don’t look for electricity, or God forbid, cell phone reception. Yeah, nope, not in this universe, sorry.

So, the three main characters meet each other more or less involuntary, because they are bunched up at one table in the crowded tavern. We got Corzin, who is a halfling surgeon sailor pirate swashbuckling tiny dude of a guy. We got Celestia Stardust, who is a purple tall, as you can’t believe how long she is, glittery, carrying all kinds of weird instruments and paraphernalia, oh my God, aren’t I charming, watch out for the swear words, bard. And there is a deeply hooded and bearded fellow of unidentifiable identity with a rather high pitched voice by the name of Scamp.

They drink, they sing, well mostly Celestia does, who has such a heavenly oriented name, that this story really has its own Moon Moon, or more precisely, Star Star. Scamp, who is a weirdy beardy is mostly nervous and Corzin must have the bladder of champions, because he keeps up with everyone and he is literally as tall as Star Star’s head.

Turns out Scamp has reason to worry, because they stole a ring and the owner comes in the tavern, looking for them. Well, the owner is looking for beardy weirdy, but Scamp loses the fake beard and oh look, horns are poking out under the hood and the whole affair is rather pink.

So Short Stack and Star Star decide two things. One, Scamp is a darling demon child and two, they are going to help them. There is some magic and initiative and singing involved (because that is what bards do) and Corzin tells both of his new pals that they can bunk with him on his ship. Maybe, possibly, gotta ask the captain first, well, yeah, sure thing, see you in the morning.

Next thing, Short Stack stumbles ship ward like the drunken elbow-high menace he is and gets stopped by some scallywags. They have a bit of a threat contest, which Short Stack wins. He gets some valuable info out of it, too. Someone is killing people, like not in a sanctioned way. Also someone is creeping along the rooftops in a unfriendly neighborhood spider man like fashion. Seriously, so creepy. Corzin keeps on his way and encounters some evidence of the murdering i.e. a corpse. He figures he can’t do anything for the poor slaughtered soul and goes to sleep in his hammock.

Next day turns into a bit of a bureaucratic nightmare for all the sailors, because they have to deal with a harbor quarantine. Basically, nobody can leave until the murderer is caught. Bummer.

On Short Stack’s ship, both Star Star and Demon Child are considered worthy to come along, once the going anywhere starts again. Which isn’t happening now though, cause bad guy, cause murders and seriously?

Star Star does need to run some errands, too. She needs to get around town and Scamp is better than any navi, leading her wherever she needs to go. After an unsuccessful trip to a Slave merchant, they meet back up with Corzin.

So our three adventurers go out and try to find the murderer themselves. Because, when did the police ever do a good job on their own? Right? Also, apparently all the pertinent information is in Corzin’s head. Creepy dude seems to think the same, because boom, Short Stack gets lassoed from above and pulled up by said rope to the top of a building, which is not a healthy situation all together.

And because the storytellers want you to come back and be on the edge of your seat, the first episode ends here.

Episode 2 Hangmen & Harris Hawks

So, where were we? Corzin dangling high up in the air, having a rope around his tiny stubborn neck. I don’t know how the particular physics work, but he is still alive. Rugged bugger, that.

Thankfully, Celestia and Scamp are of the helping friend variety and clamber up a drainpipe to the top of said roof and after their hoisted Short Stack. They manage to get Corzin out of his asphyxiating predicament and try to rain hell on the ominous attacker.

Whoever or whatever that attacker is, turns out to be rather sturdy. They hack his back open, the shoot him with fireballs, they shoot him with bullets, they entertain him with an astounding feat of puppeteering into disabling laughing fits, they thunder at him (Turns out darling demon child can actually do magic with their stolen precious, who knew?) They try with all their might to end him, but the dude is not fazed and escapes them with the air of a gazelle in spring time, employing some ziplines and counterweights in the process.

Corzin is especially miffed about this development, because for one he recognizes who that dude is, or rather was. And for for two, he just got literally roped into that situation and that was decidedly unpleasant.

Our three lovelies decide to chase after the malicious git through the streets of the town. They end up at in a dilapidated warehouse and factory district. Scamp and Star Star want to get filled in on the deets by Corzin. As in: Who are we chasing, why do you know him and was he alive, dead, or somewhere in between the last time you saw him?

Short Stack reluctantly shares that undead dude used to be part of the ship’s crew. They lose sight of undeady again and Celestia talks to a gnome girl and drops a load of coins on her to get info and supplies. The girl points out the most likely place, among other helpful hints.

After that encounter, the three amigos decide to check out a stomach turning place that has horrid vicious dogs as guards and stinks to the heavens. Basically a place that any sane person would have noped out of like Speedy Gonzales at first sight, or smell. But heroes be heroeing, I guess.

They get inside and discover a horror cabinet that has 21 hanging corpses with parts missing. As in something cut or gnawed off body parts. Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!

There is also a dragon born child still alive and bound up in a corner. Saving commences!

Scamp encounters Newtonian physics and hangs foot first in the air. Undead dude is there too and uses some Tarzan moves to go about the place. He gets taken down by the group and is finally (Finally! We were getting giddy! Finally! Hold up, that’s Galavant and a whole different story. Sorry.)  finished off for good. Yay!!!

Scamp gets retrieved from the ceiling and the dragonborn unmuzzled. Apparently the dragon born’s name is Hero, even though they were not involved in the current heroeing of the heroes. Well, can’t have everything, can you?

The guards show up. Of course, now they do when everything is already done. There is just a decapitated villain to mop up. No more action is needed and they can just stand around and wax poetic. Interviews happen and we learn that the thing that’s finally dead now was a Ghoul. As for how the Ghoul came to be living in a former shipmate of Corzin? There is a lesson to be learned. That is: People are not food!

So, if you don’t think that people are not food (meaning that you think that people are indeed food), you might end up being inhabited by a Ghoul after you croaked and while you are still living, don’t be surprised when everyone tells you that ya nasty! Or if a determined halfling murders you and carves his initial into your belly.

After the whole Ghoul business is done, Star Star, Demon Child and Short Stack can finally go a sailing. They set off and for a while they have a good time. Well, most of them do. Celestia is not really made for the ocean and has many a Ke$ha moment, gracefully hurling glitter over the side of the ship into the sea. Between barfing bouts she still manages to charm the captain’s and the other mates’ pants off. (Not literally. At least I think not. Ahem. Moving on…)

Scamp is mostly fine, aside from a disappearing mishap or two. Corzin is at home.

You’d think they could get somewhere, and make landfall at another place, but no. Something comes at them first out of the sky. Too bad they don’t have Legolas with them, because they only become aware of the horror once it is already upon them. It’s murder birds! Large, screeching murder birds! They fly at the ship and pick off people to take home and peacefully devour them in their nests. Well, peaceful for the birds, not the people.

A wild and many a dice rolling battle ensues that involves canon shots, halfling slice and dice action, encouraging singing, electric shocks, and tactical decisions. Both Scamp and Corzin get carried off by the birds. The luck of short people, am I right? The rest of the crew still fights a stupendous fight.

Luckily the murder birds have a release mechanism. So whenever a bird is hit, it falls into the water and lets go of its prey. Both Corzin and Scamp get out of their predators’ clutches that way, because bird is down! I repeat, bird is down! One of the supporting privateers gets carried off though (Bye bye, we hardly knew you! Which was kinda the point. Again, moving on…) The battle ends. The ship and the remaining crew need patching up and it is decided to get to the nearest harbor.

Everyone decides to have a beer, or rum, or whatever suits otherworldly sailors and glittery creatures. So, to absent friends! Cheers! See you next time!

Episode 3 Truth & Beauty

We’re back on the ship after the battle.  The victory celebration is over though.

Corzin is doing the job he actually gets paid for after the battle and is surgeoning the injured crew mates. It’s a nasty business involving amputations, a profound lack of modern medicine amenities, and a stray bit of magic that comes from a fishy spirit and just happens to manifest itself through him. Weird, but helpful.

Next day the ship makes port as Peeders March and Celestia is barf free for the first time in a long time. They get on land, well ‘land’, because the place is a murky bog would be Venice for poor people and they decide it’s shopping time! Star Star is blind as a bat in sunlight and wants some sunglasses, damn it, and Scamp is a little, currently bearded bibliophile. They come to a shop of a bloke who is both a cartographer and a lens maker. How convenient!

After Celestia is successfully sunglassed, Scamp pulls out a treasure map, trying to figure out where in the blazes the general area of that map is. The clerk is most helpful. Apparently the map Scamp has is of a place that experienced genocide by fish people. So, like just an ordinary thing, really.

Next they go to the tavern to get absolutely sloshed, as one does. They meet an ugly orc with a weird accent. The orc tells them the tale of the handsome mayor of the place and how he wasn’t always like that. The orc talks about a witch named Olga, who might have had something to do with it and a mirror that works in a rather Dorian Gray way.

Naturally the orcs wants our three lovelies to steal said mirror and help him with his revenge. There’s some magical shot in the offer as well. They decide to think about it and get outside to sober up. They talk options and off to the pharmacy they go! Might as will title this episode drugs, drug, drugs, and more drugs.

The alchemist there wants them to hunt paralyzing large cocks, ahem, chickens for her and will give them a potion made of the poison of the chickens’ beaks as payment. The hunting would be in the swamp. Which makes total sense. The alchemist also neither confirms nor denies the bog witch, because that just goes against her professional ethos to advertise the competition.

After a sobering up break, the three finally check out the pretty boy, sorry the very honorable mayor of the town. And the day drinking continues. Jimothy! (It’s not a name) is mentioned for some reason. The mayor now asks them in no uncertain terms to kill the witch called Olga. So a) Just like the yellow M&M, she does exist! And b) the mayor also knows exactly where to find her and how to dispose of her.

After some drunk decision making they head to the swamp to kinda check out the witch and kill some cocks on the way. Once in the bog they manage to get sucked into it. Celestia can get out of the quicksand all right. Corzin and Scamp have a rather sinking experience. Scamp scampers out, smart demon child that they are, but Corzin goes under and has to be dramatically saved by his long, starry friend.

All this doesn’t go unnoticed by the natives. The natives being deadly attack plants in this case, because why only be afraid of the flora if the fauna can do you in just as well? Thankfully our Star Star recognizes them and knows how to beat their leafy asses. Celestia and Scamp rain fire on them, which enrages the mean twigs into slashing them. Corzin is more pedestrian about it and hacks them to death with his swords. They get rid of the twiggly menace and patch themselves up.

Once on the move again, they encounter the cockatrices, which are a lot more threatening than the pharmacy lady had let on. Our lovelies attack them with blades, rock music and weather, of all things. With quite a lot of fighting, some electricity and the feat of deadly words, they manage to kill the cocks. Both Scamp and Celestia acquire some really cool scars in the process. Corzin is just too wiggly to get any.

Good old Olga Gristlegums observed the fight. But did she help? Nope. She just decides to bother them after. Still, she is hospitable enough to invite our lovelies into her house, even though they just killed her source of eggs.

She takes a liking to Scamp, can’t stand Celestia and is quite indifferent to Corzin. They ask her about the deal with the mayor and she agrees to forgo her payment, which is the mayor’s daughter. She also makes a point about herself always telling the truth. Everyone is rather skeptical about that and her proclaimed good intentions. Like, literally, everyone.

Olga writes a contract, promising not to kill anyone and to not take the girl, if our three adventurers let the mayor know of her change of heart in time. Scamp pulls a total Star Wars move of mentioning that they have a very bad feeling about this. The others are totally on the same page (whatever that page might be made out of).

They still agree to do the witches bidding. Not a smart move, if you ask me, but again, heroes be heroeing. Then Olga gets into a bartering mood on top of that. Celestia is left of all good reason and barters away one day of her looks for thirty seconds of looking into finding someone named Leah. Seriously Celestia? What are you thinking???? Gah!

Then Corzin, to not be left out of the stupid, barters to swallow an unknown egg, that is rather bitter, slimy and awful as payment for an underwater breathing potion. Seriously people, has nobody taught you that shady creatures be shady? Ingest something willingly from a witch? You better sit down with a copy of Grimm’s next time you got a few moments of free time!

Scamp follows in their friends’ footsteps and also barters. Well in for a penny, in for a pound, why not also ingest something from the witch? In their case it is a disgusting ‘sweet’ they have to put under their tongue which will make them tell the truth seven times. They get a storm in a globe for that. Then they learn just when those truths will come out.

There ended the episode and yes, we all still have a very bad feeling about that. Mick Hucknall might as well just be standing in the off, singing “I should have known better” for each and every one of our brave, but incredibly stupid friends. So, let’s just hope the fallout is not too terrible and meet them back next time around in the swamp, after a fight, under a witches influence, in the dark. Yes, what could possibly go wrong?