Plot
Ken gets mad after finding out that the raffle he won was purely for charity, after hearing ridiculous ideas on how to get back at them, Mick suggests hiring a thief to help them break into the centre.
Scene 1. Int. House, Day
Ken
Fuck me, fuck me man!
Mick
Wow Ken, keep it in the bedroom.
Ken
I got ripped off by some thieving scumbags!
Mick (laughs)
You dope, how?
Ken
I got a raffle ticket and I won but they gave my prize to some kids without even telling me!
Jack walks in
Jack
What's the craic?
Mick
Ken's crying
Ken
I'm too hard to cry
Jack
Yeah we all know how hard you are, especially at night
Mick chuckles
Ken
I got robbed man!
Jack
So what? It was probably a charity man, let it go.
Ken
No way! I planned on going to Ibiteya
Jack
Ibiza*
Jeremy walks into the room
Jeremy
What's up?
Mick
Go be gay somewhere else
Jeremy
Ok
Jeremy walks back out of the room
Mick
Chap can't take a joke. Ken, you know where their headquarters are?
Ken
It's hardly a corporation, they have an office at the community center
Mick
Why don't you dress as Santa with a bandolier and tunnel your way up.
Jack
Best idea I heard since outdoor daytime-only lights.
Mick
That’s a great idea.
Scene 2. Int House, kitchen, evening.
Ken is seen reading the newspaper looking at the sports section. Jeremy walks in.
Ken
I'm harder than him, and him, and him, he looks like a total puff
Jeremy
Yeah, so how you feeling?
Ken
Fuck off, Oprah
Mick
I did it!
Jeremy
You clogged the toilet?
Mick
No you did with your Kleenex and tears, gayby. Ken! I found someone who can help! He's a thief for hire, his rates are dirt cheap and apparently he once stole the moaning Lisa
Jeremy
You mean Mona Lisa
Mick
No.
Ken
Yeah I never saw that because I actually get women y'know. So where'd you find him?
Mick
Craigslist, he calls himself xxxMasterThief69xxx so he must be good.
Ken
When do we meet him?
Mick
Asap
Ken
Where's that?
Mick
Just follow me, come on Jeremy, we need a lookout.
Scene 3. Ext. estate, night.
Mick looks around, he sees a man all dressed in black and they approach him
Mick
Sup man
Guy
What's the craic?
Mick
Not much, you ready for this?
Guy
Sure, how'd you want it?
Mick
I'll let you decide
Guy
Okay, you can get on all fours and see that really gay looking guy? (points to jeremy) you 69 him while speccy there throws stones at us
Mick
What are you on about?
Guy
What are YOU on about?
Mick
You masterthief?
Guy
No, I'm Jacque, Jacque Oph (off)
xxxMasterthief69xxx
Lads!
Ken
Thank fuck, I just can't be gay like, Jeremy can though.
Jeremy
Piss off!
xxxMasterthief69xxx
Alright lads, here's the plan, specs, I need you to help me force the lock, I have a condition where I can only use this hand
Ken
You're left handed.
xxxMasterthief69xxx
Yeah, Mick, you keep watch, make the sound of a sexually repressed chipmunk at a Blink182 concert if gards show up and you, Jesus fucking christ you look gay! You have the most important job, I need you to go to the chipper and strip off, that will help distract the gards and help you get cock.
Jeremy
What? Im not doing that!
Ken
If ya do it, it will show Denise you actually got some balls, literally! Trust me, stripping always works, or I can take your balls and make you fetch them in a minefield.
Jeremy
Fuck me what am I doing....
Scene 4
Ken and Masterthief inspect the lock, Mick is sitting down in the background, Jeremy is gone and Jack’s still in bed.
Ken
Hurry up man, these are new trainers.
xxxMasterthief69xxx
Yeah yeah, what’s your favourite film?
Ken
I dunno, hurry up man!
xxxMasterthief69xxx
Mine would be Jaws, very symbolic, of how sharks are dangerous.
They finally get the door open and start looking through the centre.
Ken
Crooked bastards, where’s my money?
xxxMasterthief69xxx
You know why the movie was symbolic of dangerous sharks? Because the shark in the movie was dangerous.
Ken
Come on, l think the money’s around here
xxxMasterthief69xxx
I’m not an expert of robbing charities but this looks like a charity organisation
Ken
Yep.
Masterthief
Soo, you knew this was a charity?
Ken
At the time, no, fuck orphans though, why do they need new shoes? Not like they’re going anywhere.
xxxMasterthief69xxx
Alright, that’s it, I’ve worked with some douchy fuckers before but honestly? I’m out. Mick! Give me my tenner.
Ken
Whatever, I’ll find it myself.
Ken goes through everything and finds nothing, he spots a bike with a bow in the corner and takes it.
Ken
Haha free bike!
Scene 5
The lads except Jeremy are sitting on the sofa, watching the news
Newscaster
We have a bizarre story to report today, a young man was arrested at a local chipper last night for stripping in front of the customers, the workers pelted the man with greasy chips but could not remove him from the premises until Gardai arrived on the scene, in other news a local charity organisation was robbed last night, the criminal got away with a brand new bike intended to be donated to a local orphanage, no suspects are yet to emerge from this case and gardai are appealing for any witnesses to come forward.
Jack
Get out, Ken.
Ken
Ah come on, I didn’t think they were actually gonna donate a bike to an orphanage!
Jack
Don’t come back until that bike is gone.
Ken
Ugh!
Ken ends up selling the bike to Jack’s co worker Doc, Jack sees him cycling in.
Jack
What the--