Note: The PPC was originally created by Jay and Acacia. The fanfic being sporked (Shades of Dignity) was originally written by Dalektopia before its “untimely” deletion. Super Smash Brothers is copyright Nintendo and Hal Laboratories, Final Fantasy VII is copyright Square Enix, and League of Legends is copyright Riot Games. Florestan and Eusabius are originally property of Robert Schumann, but on virtue of being dead for a hundred and fifty seven years, they now belong to me. Wave Crest originally appeared under the name of ‘Ryan Seapony’ in the fic “My little Pony and the Rainbow Wands” by Edlover23, and was recruited to the PPC by Pretzel. Myrin de Chagny originally appeared in “Shadow of the Opera” by sonicshadowlover13, and was recruited to the PPC by yours truly.

NOTE: THIS MISSION IS NSFW FOR GRAPHIC SEX SCENES. ALSO, IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO THE SUBJECT OF RAPE, IT IS NOT RECOMMENDED THAT YOU READ THIS MISSION.

Mission 11: Dignified, Like a Cockroach

In which a fic fails so epically at psychology it ruins its own message.

Eusabius finished buttoning up his guayabera, looking at Zerenze as he laid on his side in his bed.

“Do you really have to go?” Zerenze asked.

“Unfortunately,” Eusabius replied. “My work calls me to my response center yet again.” He smiled. “But I enjoyed myself greatly, Zerenze.”

The Elite smiled. “I’m glad you did,” he said. “And honestly, I really enjoyed it too. It’s… crazy. Here I am, an Elite who wouldn’t think of things like this. And yet…” He glanced to the side. “Maybe you should actually teach me how to dance salsa one of these days…”

“Perhaps I could teach you other forms of dance as well,” Eusabius said as he walked over to the bed and placed his hand on Zerenze’s head. The DIC agent planted a brief kiss just above Zerenze’s left eye, and then he smiled when the Elite looked up at him with those eyes he loved so much. “That will come on another day.”

Zerenze smiled, his hand reaching up and caressing Eusabius’ cheek. “You know… you haven’t visited Clara in a while…”

“I intend to fix that soon,” Eusabius replied. “For now… I shall see you again, my love.”

“Or I’ll just message you,” Zerenze replied. “That could work as well.”

“Indeed it can,” Eusabius said. “I shall leave you be, Zerenze. I love you.”

Zerenze blushed. “I… I… I l-l-love you too…” he said.

Eusabius nodded, and walked for the door. “You know, you are quite adorable when you stutter.” He paused at the doorway. “I think it is quite cute.”

With this, the DIC agent left the room. This left Zerenze to grip the pillow, where he proceeded to grin a little too happily.

The Elite of course didn’t care enough. The new feeling he was experiencing within him was too pleasurable for him to care about anything else at that moment.

----**----

“So he still isn’t here, then?”

“Oh, shut up, Wave Crest, he’ll be here any second! You know how dates are, you know? He’ll be here soon.”

“Maybe with a funny walk or something. You never can tell.”

Florestan glared at Wave Crest with the intensity of a thousand suns. Of course, the comment caused Shumann to snicker from behind Florestan and the new agent. The pony simply smirked, looking quite satisfied with himself.

And then, the door opened, and in walked Eusabius. He was still dressed in his guayabera, and there was a rather large smile on his face. He looked at Florestan, giving him a very happy smile. However, he paused when he noticed that there was a blue pony in the room, and then looked at the pony in question.

“Ah, I assume we were assigned a new agent in my absence,” Eusabius said congenially. “Well, I cannot say this does not surprise me, but nevertheless my surprise is of the pleasant variety.” He then walked forward, looking over to the now very surprised-looking pony as he held out his hand. “I am Eusabius.”

Immediately, Florestan turned, giving a smirk as he pointed right at Wave Crest. “Ha!” Florestan said. “I told you he was coming! And there you were, not believing me! Ha!” Florestan turned around, raising his arms in the air. “I am the king of this RC!”

Eusabius simply gave a curious glance, before turning his attention back to the blue pony. “I assume you believed I was not going to return,” he said.

“Uh… kind of, yes,” Wave Crest replied. “I’m sorry. I’m Wave Crest. I was assigned here by the Marquis de Sod.” He then gestured to Florestan, who had taken his ‘I told you so’ bit to Shumann. “He said the Marquis de Sod didn’t send a message to you.”

“It is the Marquis de Sod,” Eusabius replied. “Such a thing occurring would not surprise me.” He shrugged as Wave Crest took his hand and shook it. “It is a pleasure to meet a new friend at the PPC, Wave Crest.”

“Thank you,” the pony replied. “And sorry about Florestan.”

“There is no need to apologize,” Eusabius said amicably. “Florestan is simply excitable in that manner. You will find that he will not hesitate to rant mid-mission if he finds something he believes to be wrong.” Eusabius then stood up, and looked to Florestan. “Now, you act as if I was late for a very important date.”

“Technically, you are,” said Wave Crest. “We received a mission notification while you were away.”

Eusabius looked at the console. “Ah,” Eusabius replied. “Why did you wait to go on the mission?”

“Well, first, we’re being partnered with a trainee for this one,” said Florestan. “Technically, the fic we’re going after fits more within Bad Slash’s payload, and the PPC wants him to experience all departments before they assign him, so....” He shrugged, crossing his arms.

“A trainee?” asked Eusabius. “And he is not here yet?”

“You know how HQ is, Eusabius,” Florestan replied. “That trainee’s probably lost or something.”

“Hell, it took me a bit of time to find this RC,” Wave Crest added. “But you, coming back from a date...” Wave Crest sighed. “Sorry about that. I hope it went well.” He then looked up. “Was your date a human?”

“My date… could be called unusual, yes,” said Eusabius. “But he is in a non-action department.”

Wave Crest’s eyes widened at this. “He, huh?” he asked. After a few seconds, he closed his eyes and nodded. “I see…” The pony simply trotted off to the side. “I take it that makes for less crazy dates, the fact that your boyfriend is in a non-action department.”

“It does, apparently,” said Eusabius. “You are not bothered?”

“I haven’t got a reason to be bothered,” Wave Crest replied. “If you’re in love, you’re in love, right?” He smirked. “Besides, I’ll bet that you and your boyfriend probably look cute together.”

Eusabius flashed a broad smile. “I… I truly think you could say that, yes.” He nodded, looking back up to his other partner. “I believe there is a second issue, Florestan?”

“Yeah,” said Florestan. “It’s a Super Smash Brothers fanfic.” He shrugged. “And since you’re the only one who really knows that canon…”

“Ah.” Eusabius leaned back, looking at his two partners. “Are there any other canons involved?”

“Final Fantasy VII and some other game called League of Legends are involved as well,” Wave Crest replied.

“So I see,” said Eusabius as he walked up to the console. “I believe this is a good opportunity to—”

However, before he could read the report, Wave Crest trotted right in front of the console, holding his hoof out. “Uh, no,” said Wave Crest, his eyes wide with fear. “Let’s not.”

“Uh, Wave Crest, you do realize that he’s going to be on the mission, right?” Florestan asked.

“I am going to discover something about this fic?” Eusabius asked.

“Uh… well… I—”

The door to the RC immediately opened. There standing in the doorway was an anthropomorphic wolf dressed rather fancily. Eusabius briefly realized that he was looking at clothes someone might go to the opera in during the 19th Century. The wolf entered, looking at the three agents and nodding.

“Ah, I believe I have sauntered in at a fortuitous time,” the wolf said with a barely-noticeable French accent. “I assume this is Response Center 1810?”

Wave Crest blinked. “You… uh… you assume correctly, yeah.” The pony simply trotted out from behind Eusabius. “So you must be Myrin de Chagny.”

“I am indeed, good stallion,” Myrin said with a bow and a flourish. “It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance.” He then looked up at Florestan and Eusabius. “I assume these two are the humans the report made mention of?”

“You are correct,” said Eusabius. “I am Eusabius. The other human is my partner Florestan.”

“Uh… hi…” said Florestan as he nervously held his hand out to Myrin. “Nice to meet you…”

Myrin simply shook the agent’s hand firmly, perhaps a little more firmly than Florestan expected. “It is a pleasure,” he said, releasing Florestan’s hand and then nodding to Eusabius. “Well, I believe we have tarried enough here.”

“But you only just got here,” said Wave Crest.

“Yes, but I assume you have been waiting a dreadfully long time for my arrival, oui?” Myrin asked.

“Well... we were waiting for Eusabius too, so it wasn’t that bad,” said Florestan.

“Ah,” Myrin commented. “I see. Très bien. Let us begin our mission now, yes?”

“Sure,” said Wave Crest as he went up to the console and began pressing buttons on it. “We’re getting dropped right into a news room at the start of this fic. We’ll be changing disguises a few times, so bring the DORKS with us.”

Florestan nodded. “Already got it covered,” he said. “Eusabius?”

The bulkier DIC agent nodded as a portal opened. “Let us go,” he said.

And with this, the four agents entered the fic.

----**----

For a guy, the prince really was effeminate, considering that he had just come out a week ago.

The four agents entered the fic almost immediately. They looked at the space ahead of them, which remained undefined.

“Um, this author does realize that there are butch gay guys, right?” Florestan immediately asked.

“Wait, there are such a thing?” Wave Crest asked. “Interesting. So now we’re talking about stereotyping with gay people.”

“Well, that’s not even the biggest problem,” said Florestan. “If he’s just going by the stereotype here, why the heck did he word it like that?”

Myrin glanced at Florestan suspiciously, feeling something stirring within his mind. However, before the wolf could comment, the fic continued.

Marth, the Emblem Prince was out with his sexuality. He was gay.

“Thank you, redundant narration,” Wave Crest commented. He then looked at the other agents. “Who’s writing the charge list?”

“I shall take care of that,” Eusabius stated, opening the charge notebook and immediately writing a few charges. He then squinted, and then looked at the charge notebook. “I believe, my friends, that ‘boy bitch’ is not a pleasant way to refer to yourself in the company of women who take you to raves and have you do all their shopping for them.”

“Well, I don’t know about that, Eusabius,” Wave Crest commented. “I’m pretty sure that it’s better than ‘Boy Wonder’.”

Florestan facepalmed. “Really?” he asked. “That was the best you could do? A Batman-related non sequitur?”

“A Superman-related non sequitur would’ve been weird,” Wave Crest commented.

Florestan groaned at this, with Myrin and Eusabius both watching. They shrugged, and then they watched as Marth entered his apartment. The apartment was not too badly described, all things considered, and so they were able to enter a rather tidy apartment. Marth sat on the couch and flipped through channels.

And when he did stop on a channel…

PRINCE MARTH OF ALTEA. GAY AND OUT IN THE OPEN. The screen blares those exact words.

Marth raises an eyebrow, the screen cutting to a few of his fellow combatants in the Brawl tournament. Link, Pit, Ike, Ganondorf, Bowser, Samus and Snake were all lined up, some eager to talk to the camera, others not so much. The news anchor asks them what they thought of the Prince.

Florestan immediately looked to Eusabius, worry clearly taking hold of his expression. “Oh, fuck, tense shifts!”

Eusabius nodded, simply pulling the C-CAD out of the bag of holding. “Be calm, Florestan,” he said. “I shall have that rectified… now.” With this, the world stabilized slightly, and Florestan let out a relieved sigh.

“Good,” Florestan said. “I was afraid that would get to be a problem.”

“I take it you have a weak stomach,” Wave Crest said.

“Yeah,” Florestan replied. “Fic issues do not agree with my body at all.”

“Well… I don’t know,” Wave Crest commented. “This fic doesn’t look too bad in terms of nausea-inducing things.”

“And thank God for that,” Florestan commented. “I wonder what these people are saying about the prince…”

"The man has some balls, I'll give him that," Ganondorf mutters, albeit in a sagely manner, "I am not really into this kind of political stuff or any of those things but I support a fellow man of royal blood…"

"Thanks, my King…" Marth smiles lazily.

"From one throne head to another, I can only say that whatever you do must be for the good of the people and they have to accept what you do and choose," Bowser points out in a 'as-a-matter-o-factly' tone, "If you're gay then people have to see that you're the same person as before, and nothing about you has changed other than your sexuality and your preferences."

"You as well, my Koopa Counsellor…"

“Just so you know, I am coming by later,” Wave Crest added. “I like giving you a blowjob while taking it from behind.”

“Hey, that’s— Wait, you know what that means too?” Florestan asked.

“Yep,” said Wave Crest.

Florestan shook his head. “I’m going to lump that whole sentence about blowjobs and taking it from behind in the category of ‘things I have never heard Earth Ponies say’ and move on with my life,” he stated. “I seriously can’t believe that—!”

“Do my ears deceive me, or are you making jokes of such a frighteningly taboo subject?”

All eyes immediately turned to Myrin as he stated this with a flourish. The three DIC agents looked at each other briefly before turning back to the anthropomorphic wolf.

“Wait, what do you mean, ‘taboo subject’?”  Wave Crest asked immediately.

“As far as I am concerned, it is a perfectly innocuous thing to poke jest at,” Eusabius added.

“Of sodomy?” Myrin immediately asked. “Mon Dieu, but this is strange. This man is flaunting his perversity like it is some trophy head to hang on his wall. Does nobody in this fic contain the strength of character to tell him that he is perverse?”

"I object…" a deep voice mutters from one side of the screen.

Marth raises another eyebrow to find that the voice rang an all too familiar tone. Ike. The other blunette swordsman glares at Bowser and Ganondorf, and then looks towards the screen. He rolls his eyes and crosses his arms.

"Gay people are not to be throne heads, or any people with power…" the swordsman growls, earning looks of disgust from the other Smashers, "I don't think they should even be out in public. Marth was a good man as long as no one knew of his…preference. I mean he has no right to do this to his people. He is a prince. A man of royal blood. And yet he chooses to do this?!"

“Ah,” Myrin said, smiling and lifting his finger. “I am glad somebody understands.”

Florestan and Wave Crest violently started at this. “Wait, hold on,” said Florestan. “You’re saying that being gay is a bad thing.”

“And why not?” Myrin asked immediately. “I should not have to approve of men who chose to debase themselves by laying with other men. Does that not sound like an abomination to you?”

Wave Crest stamped his hoof on the ground. “No,” he said. “I’m pretty sure it isn’t a choice for them.”

“It is not a choice? Sodomy?” Myrin scoffed, throwing his head back. “I suppose you are part of the madness that has overtaken some parts of this place. No matter.” He looked to Eusabius. “I believe this is a charge, Eusabius, flaunting their perversity in such a manner.”

Eusabius looked down at the charge pad. “It is not, and to suggest anything else is horribly wrong, particularly according to the rules of the PPC,” he replied. He then pointed back to the TV screen. “However, I do believe that there is a rather tense argument on-screen.”

Myrin and everyone else looked to the screen to see that indeed, it was true.

"Ike, that is enough," Samus hisses.

"No, it isn't. Marth has now also become a weak man. He deserves to be thrown from his throne and replaced, if not by force."

"Ike, be quiet," Link spits, Pit clenching his fists trying not to hurt the man.

"Am I not allowed to say what I think? Marth isn't the man people think he is."

"Shut up, asshole!" Snake barks, "Everyone thinks of the guy as the same person as he was before and yet you do this to him? After he welcomed all of us, the newcomers, to the Tournament with open arms?"

“Hmm...” Myrin hummed. Myrin looked back at the TV as Marth turned it off and began to cry. The wolf blinked in surprise, and then looked at the other agents.

Finally, he sighed. “The modern day is very strange indeed…”

With this, Myrin turned away, looking away from the other agents. Before anybody could say anything more, however, the scene shifted to the TV studio. The agents watched as the argument between the Brawlers reached a heated level.

Wave crest glanced at Myrin, noticing the way Florestan was glaring at him before turning his attention to Eusabius with a goofy nod. “Well, it looks like they could use some ways to ease the tension, don’t you think?” Wave Crest asked.

“Much like what we need,” Eusabius muttered under his breath, glancing to the side. Nobody seemed to hear this, however, though the fact that it was covered by Florestan’s frustrated growl at Wave Crest’s comment helped quite a bit.

And then, Ganondorf breaks from Bowser's restraints, crashing onto the ground with armoured feet.  This was enough to break the agents out of their reverie, and they watched as he [Ganondorf] looks at Link and Pit who get his plan. They restrain Ike, the swordsman now trying to get away. He looks into Ganondorf's now cold amber eyes but remains ever vigilant to his belief.

"Humiliating you here would be against my moral as a King," Ganon booms, "Tomorrow, we shall meet in the Bridge of Eldin. Then we'll see who is higher…"

With that, the Gerudian royal leaves, along with the other Smashers aside from Ike.

As Ike left the TV station, the agents shrugged and followed him, noting all the dirty looks he was being given. “You know, there doesn’t seem to be a lot to charge for right now,” Wave Crest commented.

“I am glad that I am not the only person who has noticed this,” Eusabius said. “Apart from the two narration charges, there is nothing seemingly bad right now.” A crowd had begun gathering by Ike at this point, with everyone vilifying the man. Eusabius looked to the crowd, sighing. “Also, this may be pertinent, but am I the only one who notices that all of these men are out of character?”

Myrin frowned. “Actually, now that you mention it, they are not acting like themselves,” he added. He looked at the other agents. “Perhaps a CAD reading is in order, gentlemen?”

“One step ahead of ya,” Florestan said. He took the C-CAD out of Eusabius’ bag of holding and then pointed it directly at Ike. The C-CAD beeped rather loudly, and then they beheld this reading:

[“Ike”. Beorc Male. Fire Emblem canon: Greil Mercenaries Leader. Character Replacement. Kill the spare.]

“Ah, he’s a character replacement,” said Wave Crest. “What’s that supposed to mean again?”

“When a character is replaced by one not of the canon, I believe,” Myrin supplied. “It is funny how that works, actually…”

“You were a character replacement?” Eusabius asked.

“Of one Raoul de Chagny,” Myrin said. “It was… interesting. Even I was warped to suit the needs of that particular set of events.” He frowned immediately. “I should say it would be a pretty bad day when I turn into a… how was it the Marquis put it? An ‘arrogant jerk’?”

“Like that doesn’t describe you now?” Wave Crest replied just soft enough that Myrin did not hear it.

Florestan, who had heard that comment, smirked at Wave Crest. However, the smirk vanished rather quickly as he looked over to Myrin. “Is that how it was?” he asked. “It’s crazy that you were a replacement recruited to the PPC.”

“Mine was a special circumstance,” Myrin commented. “It would take too long to relate here, but like these replacements I was not.”

Florestan shrugged as they followed Ike. “I’ll bet,” he added. “I mean, these kinds of replacements can get wildly out of character… ” He frowned as Ike picked up a note that had been left for him. “Especially in this.”

“Why?” asked Eusabius.

“Uh…” Florestan glanced to the side. “Let’s just say there might be some off-screen gay bashing involved.”

“Gay bashing?” Myrin asked. “I do not believe I am familiar with this term.”

“Gay bashing is what happens when homophobes beat the crap out of gay people,” Florestan said, glancing at Ike to see that he was reading a note Marth had left for him. “Usually, they beat the guy until he’s either near death, or he is dead.”

Myrin frowned. “You mean…” He stepped back, his face contorting in horror. “People actually beat sodomites? To death?”

“We do not use such terms to label it so, but yes,” said Eusabius.

“Well, that is certainly… brutish,” Myrin stated, looking visibly disgusted. “I do not believe that such sin should be endorsed, but I should think that beating a man until he dies would be far worse a crime.”

“Unless you do it with a trout,” Wave Crest commented.

Myrin’s nose wrinkled a little. “Why would anyone have the gall to think that beating a man with a rather fetid-smelling item of food would be a dignified idea?” he asked. “And how does it relate to…? I…” He shook his head. “Is modern humor always this ridiculous?”

Florestan smirked. “Oh, you have no i—”

AUTHOR'S NOTE

And just like that, Florestan was interrupted by the coming author’s note.

“Whoah,” said Wave Crest, looking up with a bewildered expression on his face. “Was that…?”

“Yep,” said Florestan. “Brace yourself!”

Well here's another Yaoi fic for you. This time, a bit angsty but I'm full of surprises...but it'll still be angsty.

“And a bit of a gay Aesop, I believe,” Eusabius added.

“Gay Aesop?” Myrin blinked, confusion setting in on his face.

“You know, that kind of story where it says ‘it’s okay to be gay’ or something like that?” Florestan asked, shrugging.

He shook his head. “I cannot understand why modern people have such an insistence on lionizing sodomy,” he said. He finally waved his hand dismissively. “You know, I do not think it is even worth questioning anymore. Modern people are so… strange in other ways as well…”

“Yeah,” Florestan said. He looked up. “At least this author’s heart is in the right place. It’s just… holy hell, does it get bad…”

“And we’re not gonna find out how just sitting here,” Wave Crest commented. He squinted. “Um… this is how you check the Words, right?”

“It is, yes,” said Eusabius. “Anything noteworthy?”

“Uh… Well… No, that’s… Ah, there they are!” Wave Crest smiled as he then concentrated on a spot in the wall. “Anyway, there isn’t really anything at the start of the scene, no. Basically, Marth interrupts something between Link and Pit, and—”

“Something between Link and Pit?” Myrin asked. “Does that pertain to more… ehm… private topics?”

“Yes,” said Wave Crest. “Not important.”

“Well, it is something more private, right?” Florestan asked.

“Well… yes, but again, that’s not the point,” Wave Crest commented. He glanced at Myrin, but the wolf simply stayed silent. At not receiving a comment, Wave Crest continued. “Anyway, Marth walks in after having been gay-bashed by Ike, and Marth bitches about it to Link and Pit.”

“And why should he not?” Eusabius asked, looking up as the scene shifted to—

"Mph, oh yeah. My little Angel, just like that…" a soft masculine voice sounded over the dark recesses of the room, "You're getting good at this."

"Mph, j-just for you, my Hero," a softer, more boyish voice whimpers, "Ngh? You're bigger…"

"I'm almost there…just a bit mo-"

“What in the name of the L—!?”

The other agents immediately slapped one hand each over Myrin’s mouth before then retreating behind a wall. Unfortunately, it was too late, for Myrin’s exclamation caused Link and Pit to pause in their ministrations and look around the dark room. The PPC agents held their positions in fright, watching as Link and Pit’s gazes swept the room.

Thankfully, the agents were spared a sighting by the knock that came from the door soon afterwards. Upon hearing the knocking on the door, the two canons shrugged and went back to what they had been doing before Myrin’s interruption.

"Eh…c-can I finish you off, Seme?" the boyish voice mumbles.

"Of course…whoever that was can wait."

Some slurping sounds now join the moaning and mumbling of the Hero, the boyish voice now being silenced by the large amounts of masculine groans.

Florestan let out a sigh. “Oh good,” he said, releasing Myrin’s mouth. “Thank God for Marth.”

“Are they…?” Myrin asked in shock, pointing at Link and Pit as the angel… serviced the Hero of Time.

“Yes,” said Florestan. “Yes, they are.”

Myrin shuddered. “I... I do not believe... Have we...” He shook his head. “I wish not to say anything more.”

Wave Crest rolled his eyes. “Then don’t say anything,” the pony commented. He shrugged. “Anyway, where was I?”

“You were referring to when Marth came to Pit and Link to talk about the gay bashing,” Eusabius said.

“Ah, right,” said Wave Crest as another two knocks sounded from the door. “Anyway, Marth angsts about the gay bashing for a bit.”

“And why shouldn’t he?” Florestan asked. “He just got really badly injured by the man he loved because it turned out that said man wasn’t gay.”

“Yeah, he gets a pass on that,” said Wave Crest as Marth entered the apartment, with Link and Pit talking to him. “Actually, I think we get that right…” And the pony waited a bit, pointing his hoof at the proceedings as Marth, Pit, and Link moved around.

And then…

Marth tries to hold in welling tears as he lifts his turtleneck to find deep red marks upon his neck. Link and Pit's eyes widen at the scars upon the fair skinned Altean as he lifts up his sleeve to show scars. Recent slashes to his forearm. Marth clenches his fists and tears now start to fall from his eyes. Link and Pit immediately come to his aid, holding the Prince close to their bodies, keeping him warm.

Florestan immediately frowned. “Hey, wait a minute!” he stated, pointing at the scars. “How the hell did those slash marks heal so fast!?”

“I don’t know,” said Wave Crest. “Maybe it just… I don’t know, I’ve never seen anything bleed like that.”

“Well, let me inquire this of you, then: the prince received those marks rather recently, no?” Myrin asked.

“Yes,” said Wave Crest, watching as Link and Pit began asking Marth what had happened.

“Then those wounds should still be bleeding, particularly if they are of a certain size” Myrin commented.

“Yeah, they totally should!” Florestan immediately said. “Well, I guess it keeps Link and Pit from having to treat Marth, since they don’t take care of that here. The only way this could be worse is if-”

"I-I just don't know what to think!" Marth mumbles in between sobs, "I…I've done everything for him and this is how he repays me! Slashing my arms open with his own so called 'blessed sword' and choking me half to death with his belt…"

"That sick bastard!" Pit growls in rage, his cursing surprising Link greatly.

Myrin shrugged. “I must say that I agree with Pit’s assertion of Ike being a ‘sick bastard’.”

“Yeah, at least the characters react to it with something resembling realism,” said Florestan. “Well, at least that isn’t too bad.” He glared to the side. “If only a certain other action had been greeted with the same horror.” He rolled his eyes. “Eusabius, charge for bad medicine.”

“Of course,” Eusabius replied, writing this charge down. “Anything else, Wave Crest?”

“Not much,” said the pony. “Marth asks if he can spend the night there, and Link says that’s fine. So then they walk off, and Pit is bothered by some voice or something like that, I don’t really know. And then the voice leaves him alone, and Marth then basically cries himself to sleep.”

“I would too,” Florestan commented. “I mean, going through something like that…”

“Yeah,” said Wave Crest. “We can skip the rest of this chapter, basically. We can actually also skip the next chapter, in which we’re introduced to… Samus and Meta Knight?”

“Ah,” said Eusabius. “I assume the topic is only tangentially related to what occurs later in that chapter?”

“Yeah,” said the pony. “And then it cuts to the battle.”

“I assume we shall be going to that, then,” said Myrin.

Florestan nodded, pulling the RA out and keying in more coordinates. “We are,” he said. “To the fight?”

“To the fight we go,” Wave Crest commented. He looked up as the portal formed. “And am I the only one who’s noticed that our disguises aren’t exactly set?”

“Mm…” Florestan nodded, pulling out the C-CAD. “I think we should rectify that through the portal,” he said. “Come on. Let’s go through and change disguises there.”

With this, Florestan, Wave Crest, and Myrin stepped through the portal. Eusabius looked at Myrin, however, and his expression seemed to falter ever so slightly once the wolf’s back was turned to him. Eusabius glanced to the side, sighing sadly. The DIC agent’s eyes watered briefly, but he blinked them away and took a deep breath.

With this, the large agent stepped through the portal, following the others as Florestan changed their disguises.

----**----

“Ouch! That’s gonna leave a mark!”

Florestan said this as he watched Ganondorf and Ike battle. The battle unfolded rather well, actually, though the agents could have sworn that there was the occasional spark of urple that seemed to appear at every other blow.

Of course, they were all in a royal room. Off to the center of the room sat Prince Marth, who was attended to by other characters in the fic. The four agents had settled towards the back, watching the fight as it was projected on a TV screen. The room was a small Royal Chamber that apparently existed in the Pokémon Stadium stage as it appeared in Brawl. Peach and Zelda were off to the side, as were Link and Pit.

Wave Crest simply shrugged, looking at his human hands as he ate some popcorn. “Well, I’ve got the popcorn right here,” he said. He glanced at the others, gesturing to his human form, which, true to his origins, looked remarkably like Ryan Seacrest.

Eusabius nodded. “Thank you, Wave Crest,” he said, reaching into the bag of popcorn.

“Pray tell, how do you take this so nonchalantly anyway?” Myrin asked, rubbing a grey-colored goatee as he watched the large agent and the Ryan Seacrest look-alike.

“It is Super Smash Brothers,” Eusabius replied. “The fights are intentionally made to be quite over the top, I am afraid.”

Myrin frowned, brushing some of his long gray hair out of his face as he looked to the others. “Then do tell me, what is this?” He asked this right as he gestured to the fight.

Ganondorf grabs Ike's head violently, and smashes it onto the metal floor of the stadium. Again and again the Gerudian does this, crashing Ike's head onto the floor, making the man bleed heavily.

Florestan frowned, leaning forward. “Wait, yeah,” he said. “That is a bit graphic a detail for a Smash Brothers fic, isn’t it?”

Eusabius nodded, opening the charge notebook and jotting it down. “Yes, that is quite needlessly graphic for a video game which uses more, shall we say, cartoony visuals,” he said.

Wave Crest shrugged. “Well, I’m just glad it’s a kind of well-described fight,” said the disguised pony. He munched on his popcorn, looking at Florestan. “I’m guessing worse-described fights get weird.”

“Oh, believe me, they do,” said Florestan, looking back at Wave Crest. “I’ve seen some pretty crazy shit, I’m not gonna lie.”

“Figures,” said Wave Crest. He glanced over at Eusabius briefly before looking back to Florestan. “It doesn’t mean we won’t see anything crazy here.”

“Except for... the scene,” Florestan commented.

Eusabius glanced at Florestan. “The scene?” he asked.

“Yeah, the scene,” said Florestan. “There’s a really bad scene later on.”

“There is?” asked Eusabius. “What of it?”

“It involves—”

“It’s best if you don’t know right now,” said Wave Crest. “Trust me, you don’t want to know.”

“He’s going to find out eventually,” Florestan replied.

“I think, Florestan, that this is one of those things he needs to see for himself...” Wave Crest glanced to Myrin and then to Eusabius, cringing slightly in fear as the veteran DIC agent looked at him.

Eusabius leaned back against the wall. “It is of no trouble,” Eusabius said. “By now, Florestan, you know I am not fazed by very much.”

“That’s what I’m worried about,” Florestan muttered under his breath. He glanced at the ceiling with a forlorn expression, and glanced at Wave Crest. The glance was cold, and it was enough to make Wave Crest recoil slightly. Florestan then flicked some of his hair out of his face before turning his attention back to the agents. “Say, we never did perform a C-CAD reading on some of these characters, did we?”

Eusabius, Wave Crest, and Myrin all blinked at around the same time. “We didn’t, actually,” said Wave Crest.

“Well, I suppose now would be a rather splendid time to perform a reading on Marth,” Myrin suggested.

Eusabius nodded, grabbing the C-CAD and pointing it at Marth. “I suppose that is true,” he said. He then activated the C-CAD, and looked at the readout.

[Marth. Human Male. Fire Emblem Canon: Prince of Altea. 99.99% OOC. Potential higher-level Sue-Wraith detected. Exorcise with extreme caution.]

The disguised pony frowned. “Higher-level Sue-Wraith?” he asked. “Should I be worried?”

Florestan frowned in turn. “I think… Yeah, this might be a problem.” He turned to Eusabius. “Do you think we might be dealing with an Impetus Miserabilis here?”

“Potentially,” Eusabius said as he stored the C-CAD. “Marth does angst quite a bit in this fic.”

Wave Crest frowned. “I don’t know,” he said. “I’m guessing an Impetus Miserabilis is something that causes people to be sad, right?”

“Well, technically it creates so much angst that everyone around it cannot help but sympathize with that person, but it is not so dissimilar,” Eusabius replied.

“Then why is it that we’re seeing an Impetus Miserabilis show up when Marth has a good reason to angst?” Wave Crest immediately asked.

Florestan and Eusabius paused, looking right at the disguised pony. They both gave each other confused glances, before Florestan rose his finger in the air. “You know, that’s actually a good point,” he said. “Yeah, why is the C-CAD giving that—?”

“Well, this… cock-fight seems to be going rather well, it seems.” Myrin’s comment grabbed the attention of the three other agents, who looked up at the screen again. They watched Ganondorf’s tactics became more brutal, right up until a Smash Ball appeared floating over the arena. The two smashers chased after the glowing ball, and once Ganondorf had broken it and transformed into his beast form he began to prepare to charge at Ike. Ike’s expression was obviously quite afraid at the intimidating form of Ganondorf’s beast form, though the partly-well written prose did not help at all.

“Is it only I, or is this a great deal more intimidating than it ought to be?” Myrin asked, while rubbing his goatee. “It seems odd for this story to make him do such a thing when it claims that he is more ‘accepting’.”

Florestan glared at Myrin almost immediately. “That’s not the point,” said Florestan.

“Au contraire, Florestan,” Myrin replied, walking around the agents. “For was Marth not complaining of the beating Ike gave him which left irremovable scars on his arm? I should think that Ganondorf giving Ike a similarly brutal beating would seem quite hypocritical of anyone who expresses what this fic calls ‘acceptance’, particularly when Ganondorf’s challenge came before the ‘gay bashing’ incident.” He gave a flourish with his hand. “Truly, I—”

"STOP THE MATCH!" the intercom blares, "STOP IT NOW!"

The loud shouting from the intercom immediately stopped Ike and Ganondorf’s fight. This also effectively interrupted the argument between the agents, and they looked up in shock. However, the source of the shout itself turned out to be even more shocking for the agents.

Eusabius stepped forward, looking at the prince of Altea. The prince in question had stood up from his chair, looking far more desperate than he should have.

“Has… Has Marth just defended the man who attempted to kill him?”

"The match has been ceased. Brawlers return to the Mansion."

Ike's eyes widen at the sound of the voice. Beast Ganon's as well. Marth had just stopped the match.

Florestan immediately looked right at Marth. “Are you kidding me!?” he asked. “What the hell did you do that for!?”

“Florestan, chill,” said Wave Crest. “Do you want to be discovered so early?”

“But this makes no sense to me!” Florestan said. “Ike tried to kill him!”

“Well, perhaps it is not so nonsensical,” Eusabius suggested. “Perhaps Marth is not the kind of man to wish revenge on someone.”

Florestan gave Eusabius a look. “Hm... I guess that’s a good point, but—”

“I think there is something else at play,” Myrin began. “Even though the man beat him, Marth’s lust has dominated him.”

Wave Crest blinked. “Whoah, hold on there, buddy,” he said. “What in Celestia’s name makes you say that?”

“Did Marth not elucidate in his letter that he felt feelings for Ike?” Myrin asked. “Perhaps those feelings of lust resurfaced?”

“Oh, I’d hotly contest that,” said Florestan. “I’m confused, but I don’t think that’s why it happened!”

“I believe it is,” Myrin continued, interrupting Florestan with a single hand motion. “I believe that in my day, science proved that most participants of sodomy maintain a higher amount of lust. It would not surprise me that such lust would resurface at a time like this.” With this, the wolf sauntered off to a corner, leaning against the wall as the action came to an abrupt stop.

Wave Crest turned to Eusabius, noticing that the veteran DIC agent was looking visibly stressed. “Are you okay, Eusabius?” he whispered, giving a side-long glance to Myrin.

“I have weathered worse storms,” Eusabius said, though Wave Crest noticed that Eusabius was gritting his teeth. “I shall live through this one.”

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OH! What has Marth done! Well you get to see what happens later on, eh? Ahaha, I'm evil since you don't get to know what happens between Ike and Marth.

Wave Crest frowned. “Is the author’s note trying to be disingenuous?” he asked.

“I believe so,” Myrin said. “I must say, I do not understand why this author would think it would be ‘evil’ to make us not know what happens between Ike and Marth. I thought cliffhangers were generally an overused literary device?”

“I wouldn’t call it ‘overused’, but yeah, it is kinda common,” Florestan commented. He then looked behind him, right before he read through the Words and pulled the RA out. “That said, it’s getting ridiculous. I mean, look at this,” he said, manipulating the RA. When the portal appeared, he grabbed Eusabius’ arm and pulled him through. Wave Crest followed immediately after to see Ike grab Marth’s shoulder. The narration went on about some pseudo-psychological musings on the situation before Ike took his hand off of Marth.

"M-Marth…" Ike stutters, "Why?"

Wave Crest frowned. “Yeah, that is a good question, isn’t it?” said Wave Crest. “Why didn’t Marth have a more violent reaction to getting touched by Ike?” He sent a pointed glare at Marth as he left the room, shedding exactly three tears.

“Yeah, I’m with the pony on this,” Florestan said immediately. “I’m pretty sure that he should at least have a more violent reaction to being touched in the shoulder in that way, considering that Ike strangled him with a belt!”

“Well, perhaps he sees it the way a domestic violence victim might look at it,” said Eusabius. “Perhaps even despite the fact that Ike mistreated him, he still feels an attachment to Ike and would still not wish Ike to be harmed.”

“Oh, that’s bullshit,” said Florestan. “He got gay bashed by Ike, and immediately went to Link and Pit complaining about how horrible it was and how Ike is a horrible person. I don’t think that anyone would have any residual feelings for someone else after that.” Florestan shook his head in disbelief. “And besides, didn’t Marth stay with Link and Pit in that chapter? Don’t you think that he stayed there exactly because he didn’t want to bump into Ike in the halls? You’d think that you wouldn’t try to save the person you’re supposed to be scared of!”

“Hm… That is a rather good point,” Eusabius stated as they saw Myrin follow them through the portal. The disguised wolf looked around, watching as Ike was approached by Meta Knight.

“For now, we must follow Ike,” Myrin commented as he looked to the other agents. “I assume the plot follows him for this chapter.”

“It does,” said Florestan. He then cringed. “And I don’t think any of us will like where this goes…”

----**----

The four agents portalled to a nearby alley, keeping just out of sight. Two seconds later, Ike walked right by them into the alley, Myrin looking up in surprise.

“Is it… snowing?” he asked.

The other three agents looked up, noticing all the snowflakes falling to the ground. “It is…” said Florestan.

Wave Crest rose an eyebrow. “It does make me wonder—”

Not one step deeper in, a pair of gloved hands wrap around Ike's mouth and eyes. Another grab onto the man's arms and another onto his legs. The three pairs cause Ike to fall down onto the alley floor as the hands start to dig into his clothing. The swordsman curses and screams as the hands work thoroughly.

"I SWEAR I WILL KILL YOU ALL!" Ike screams, "LET ME GO! I WILL HURT YOU ALL SO BADLY!"

Florestan covered his ears. “I’m sorry, could you increase the size of your font a little?” he asked sardonically. “I don’t think you made it clear enough that you were screaming.”

Wave Crest frowned. “This guy gets tackled to the ground by three guys who are probably going to mug him, and you’re concentrating on an all-caps joke,” he commented.

“Hey, why not?” asked Florestan. “Having all-caps is a charge! Right, Eusabius?”

“It is indeed,” the older agent replied, writing it down on the charge notebook.

“They charge for the use of all capital letters?” Myrin asked. “Some of these charges are rather capricious, I must say…”

“But all-caps isn’t technically good grammar in a language where capital letters have specific uses,” Florestan replied.

“Ah, that is very true,” Myrin conceded.

“But c’mon, we’ve got something crazier here!” said Wave Crest. “Don’t we—?”

"Oh? Like you did to the Prince?" a suave voice mutters over Ike, "And as if you can beat me…again. But this time, I've brought along my friends here."

"Again?" Ike growls.

"Let's leave that out of the question, shall we?" the voice mutters, "I have a special surprise for you, Greil."

"W-What are you?!"

“Our mission is to stand and watch,” Florestan replied. He then cringed. “And God damn it, I don’t like that we’re going to have to…”

Eusabius looked directly at Florestan. “You do not mean that this scene…?” Eusabius asked.

Florestan nodded nervously. “I do mean that this scene is… the scene,” Florestan commented, cringing as he looked back at the proceedings.

The hands start to grope around Ike's midsection and upper legs. They find the start of his beige pants and tear them off, leaving the man in his briefs. Ike screams as the cold pierces his body. Now he knew what was up.

Myrin cringed. “Mon Dieu!” he exclaimed.

Wave Crest couldn’t help but react in kind. “Sweet Celestia!” he said. “This is the scene!”

Eusabius cringed. “Three men raping Ike…?” he stated. “What in...?” His voice was uncharacteristically high in pitch, his eyebrows arched in a way that Florestan did not even think they could arch as his eyes widened quite noticeably. “This is what...?”

Wave Crest nodded. “Yep,” he said.

Eusabius immediately turned to Florestan. “Are you sure this does not demand our intervention?”

“Yeah,” said Florestan. “Trust me, this is hardly the worst it gets, Eusabius...”

Ike starts to struggle out of the hand's grasp even further, trying to at least escape with his body undefiled. The voice snickers as the hands work upwards, pulling off Ike's remaining clothing, rendering him in his skin tight briefs and his toned body. He starts to shiver.

"He's getting cold, boys," the voice snidely mutters, "Let's keep him warm. Cloud, you take the front. Ezreal, the middle. I'll take him from the back."

“And there’s our crossover,” said Wave Crest. “Cloud from Final Fantasy VII, and Ezreal from… from…”

“Something,” Florestan said. “I’ve never played League of Legends.”

“Really?” asked Wave Crest. “The crazy Mass Effect guy has never played this... um... League of Legends?”

“It is not so senseless, Wave Crest,” Myrin commented. “Not everyone has the time required to play every game in existence, particularly in our occupation.” The disguised wolf then turned his attention to the action, watching as… “Oh, dieu, must they make their intentions so… grotesquely obvious?”

The other three agents turned, and let out a gasp of shock to see that all three men were standing above Ike with their flies open.

The one on the right was familiar. He used to hang out with Link often, people mistaking them for brothers. Cloud Strife. And his sword wasn't the only thing large about him. From his body jutted his 10 inch member. He smirks as Ike's eyes move from him to the other blonde standing in the trio. He was dressed in what looked like an aviator's clothing, a mechanical hand on his left arm. He stood right over Ike, his member the same length as Cloud's. He seemed familiar. He was Ezreal.

The third in the group was a shock. Ike looked at the boy's already large thirteen inch monster, then up at its owner. His eyes widen even more as He struggles to move, only to be bound down by rope. The third one was a red head, and a fellow swordsman. He smirks as he orders the other two to their positions. It was Roy, the one who Ike had beaten to get into the tournament; thee one who Marth had cared for and loved as much as he had for Ike before he became known to him. Roy was, by definition, Marth's loving ex.

Myrin then frowned. “Hold,” he said. “The main rapist is Marth’s… ex…?” The disguised wolf paused. “Do people in the modern day truly use such a terminology for such relationships?”

“Yes, they do,” said Florestan. “Well, they use it for straight relationships too, but still.”

“Ah, so it is a general term,” Myrin commented. He maintained the frown, scratching his chin before shaking his head. “Your modern day is very strange. Are there no fiancées or husbands and wives anymore?”

Florestan shrugged. “Well, there are, we just don’t get to it as quickly as you probably would,” he replied. “When they’re able to marry, people usually wait a bit to do that in today’s age.”

“Ah, I see…” Myrin nodded, closing his eyes in thought. “I suppose that makes sense. Wait a few years, and see if it shall work out. That is a rather… sound philosophy, I believe. So long as it remains chaste, anyhow.” He then paused, looking back to the scene playing out before them. “But I still do not understand the motivation behind this scene. This… ex-boyfriend is raping Ike as revenge for this supposed gay bashing?”

“That’s what it looks like, yeah,” Wave Crest commented. “It’s really stupid, I think.”

“No no, it really is that stupid,” Florestan said.

“I doubt that,” said Myrin.

“Oh, don’t you start with that!” Florestan rebuked immediately. “It’s not smart in any way, believe me!” His attention returned to the action right as Ezreal pulled Ike’s boxer shorts dow. The excitable agent frowned. “Hm… my memory on this is a bit fuzzy, actually. Did they wear boxers in those times, Myrin?”

“No,” Myrin stated. “They did not.”

“I shall mark it as a charge, then,” Eusabius stated as Cloud forced his member into Ike’s mouth. Ike let out a scream shortly afterward as Ezrael began to go down on…

“Is his penis trying to decide if it’s hard?” Wave Crest asked immediately.

Florestan and Eusabius both looked at where Ezrael’s mouth was, as Ike’s penis phased in and out of hardness. It was not a gradual phasing, either: the changes were instantaneous, almost as if two rapidly alternating slides were being shown through a projector.

The older agent frowned, and looked at the prose. “Ah,” he said. “I believe we have our problem.” He then gestured in the air, pointing to a certain sentence in the Words:

Ike holds in the pleasure, trying not to moan out as Ezreal licks every crevice of Ike's not hardening cock. The blonde adventurer smirks as he deep throats the man, making Ike grimace.

“And?” asked Wave Crest.

Eusabius glanced down to the side. “One cannot ‘deep throat’ a man’s cock if it is not erect,” he stated.

Myrin looked Eusabius in shock, even as Wave Crest cringed in slight disgust. “That is a thing one can do sexually?” the disguised wolf asked in confusion.

“Oh yeah,” said Florestan. “My girlfriend actually deep-throated me once.” He rolled his eyes. “It was… interesting. And really good.”

Myrin wrinkled his nose in confusion, before snorting and glancing to the side. “I assume oral sex is also a common thing for couples in the modern day, as is sex before marriage...” he said. “The more I hear about the sexual escapades of modern people, the more I wish I had never been recruited to this pIace.”

“Well, it’s better than rotting in a badfic, that’s for damn sure,” said Florestan. He shook his head. “Let’s not get on to that sort of thing immediately, though, because I think the problem with this scene is showing itself.”

The other agents blinked, and turned to look at Ike right as Roy smiled evilly.

The redhead immediately plows his member deep into Ike, making the Crimean scream once again, his bottom squeezing Roy tightly.

"You're tight, Ike," Roy coyly grins, "How's his dick, Ezzy?"

Ezreal looks up at Roy and gives a reassuring smile, fondling Ike's balls, stroking his shaft, letting all of Ike into his mouth until he can barely nuzzle the small bit of pubic hair growing at its base. Ezreal gives off a small moan as he strokes his own member. Roy then looks forwards to see Cloud forcing Ike's mouth onto his own dick. He pulls his head back in pleasure, Ike now just going with the flow. Somehow a part of him liked the sensation, the pleasure of a man doing this to him. The excitement.

Eusabius frowned, a fire burning in his eyes that Florestan knew was uncharacteristic of him. “Am I right to assume that this will enter… that territory?” he asked immediately.

“What d’ya mean?” asked Wave Crest.

“As I understand the wording, this is not written as a rape scene,” Eusabius said. “Do you believe it will go to that point?”

Before anyone could reply, Cloud came in Ike’s mouth. Florestan promptly braced himself against the crate.

The swordsman shakes his head as Ezreal and Cloud start to clean themselves up. The two blondes look at Roy who still had his member in Ike. Roy smirks, and lets them leave. As the two disappear in the shadows, Roy pus his hands onto Ike's arms, feeling his toned body and licking every crevice. Ike simply takes it all in, letting pleasure take over the situation. He didn't care anymore if Roy did this to him. He now only wanted pleasure.

"J-Just fuck me…" Ike manages to mutter.

"Oh? So now you see?" Roy grunts as he thrusts hard into Ike, "You see why Marth had been like this?"

"Ngh? Pleasure?"

"Sure. Let's go with that."

Roy then began to really go to town on poor Ike, though Ike seemed to enjoy it quite a bit when Roy came rather hard. Myrin visibly gagged at the sight, watching as semen seeped out of Ike’s ass. He squeezed his eyes shut, his hand holding his mouth as he watched Roy pull out.

“I…” Myrin shook his head. “Mon dieu... I do not know if I could stomach this, even with a pair of… um… ‘straight’ people? Is this a modern terminology?”

“Yeah, you used it right,” said Florestan. “And of course, it’s not rape if he enjoyed it, right?”

He gently takes himself out of Ike and cleans himself up. Roy stands over Ike, and helps the taller swordsman up. Ike cringes at the pain now racking his body as Roy hands him his clothes. Soon, reality strikes Ike. He was raped.

Wave Crest’s head turned to the side. “That’s... that’s not how it’s supposed to work, is it?”

“Well, I dunno,” said Florestan. “It didn’t go down the route of ‘it’s not rape if you enjoyed it’, which some people will use for that.”

“That’s not a justification, is it?” the pony asked.

“Nope,” said Florestan. “But even then, that was not written the way you might expect a brutal rape scene to be written...” He shook his head, glancing down at the ground. “Either way, it’s over.”

“Oh, thank Celestia,” Wave Crest said as he wiped his forehead with his hand. “I thought it would never end!”

“Well, it did,” said Florestan as he opened a portal to the next scene. “Come on. Let’s get moving.”

Florestan entered the portal first, followed by the other agents as they jumped right to Ike’s home. More specifically, they were standing in the bathroom, which actually didn’t look too bad as far as blankly-described bathrooms went.

“So what happens now?” Myrin asks.

Florestan frowned as Ike stepped into the shower. “Well…” he said, glancing to the side.

He groggily gets into the shower, turns on the water, and lets the warmness soak his body. The tiny droplets stick to his ever muscular body, cleaning away any of the grime and muck of the alley, and even some of the excess dried cum that Cloud, Ezreal and Roy left on him. He imagined them still doing him senseless, letting him touch him where no one had done before until he co-

"WHAT AM I THINKING?!" Ike screams to himself, his body physically aroused. Ike looks down at his erect member, the result of thinking about his encounter.

"This is wrong…this is all too wrong." Ike mutters, "I can't be like this! This is totally wrong. I mean I'm not…gay. I'm not like Marth! NO! He must've put Roy up to this. I mean like, he must've! No one has connections to that red headed freak since the last tournament except for Marth! That must be it…"

Eusabius immediately looked at Ike. “Hold a moment,” he said, his voice colder and harder than it normally was. “This man has just been sexually assaulted by three people for revenge. They forced him to take fairly large erections—which, I may point out, can be quite painful for men who bottom for the first time, even with sufficient lubrication—and they performed those actions on a homophobe. By all accounts, Ike should be feeling a rush of strange emotions, almost all of them negative and self-loathing.” The agent then looked into the shower. “Not only does this fic want us to completely ignore the fact that Ike should be severely traumatized after such a vicious sexual assault, but Ike is acting as if the worst thing to come out of this sexual assault is that it might mean that he is gay?”

“Pretty much,” said Florestan.

“Hm.” Myrin looked to the others, rubbing his chin. “I assume that you are going to say that this behavior is not typical of people who are driven by—”

“No, you shut your mouth right now!” Wave Crest replied, turning to Myrin and pointing a threatening finger in his face. “I don’t care what other homophobic thing you’ve got to say, that’s not the point! I don’t know much about humans, but I can tell trivialized somethings when I see them!”

“And this right here is a severe case of trivialized rape,” Eusabius replied, writing the charge down. “I trust it does not get any better.”

Florestan sighed, opening another portal to Marth’s door. “It gets worse,” he said as he stepped through. “Oh dear Lord, does it ever get worse.”

The other agents followed to find Ike speaking at Marth through the door, right as Marth finished complaining about being tormented by Meta Knight as well as Ike.

"And now that you brought Roy back up, I remember what he did to me back in the last tournament. That bastard used me just for the sole purpose of pleasure and sex! Nothing more and nothing less! He used me as a sex slave, bondaging me, at times it even felt like he was raping me!"

"R-Rape?"

"Yes. And that is why I wanted him out of the tournament, and I wanted you in.

Myrin looked taken aback at this. “Sex slave?” he asked. “One can be made a slave for sex?”

“Yeah, and it’s generally considered a form of non-consensual sex, too,” said Florestan.

Myrin frowned. “I can understand being upset at being beat by an overreacting brute, but his… ehm… ‘ex-boyfriend’ also abused him in such a manner?” He crossed his arms. “Does this not seem excessive?”

Florestan blinked, Eusabius looking right at the disguised wolf. Florestan glanced over to Eusabius, who nodded. “It… does…” Eusabius commented with slight hesitation.

“Then that would explain the impetus miserabilis, if that’s the kind of Sue-wraith we’re dealing with here,” Florestan commented. He looked through his bag of holding. “I hope you brought a copy of the game with you, because—”

“I have,” Eusabius said, writing down another charge in the charge notebook. “I assume we—”

Now, I'm starting to regret my decisions…again."

"Marth…I never…"

"No, you never did ask me for what I had to say. You called me out on live television in front of millions. Now, I don't even think all of the support I get is true. Half the mansion is now divided between your cause and mine."

“This, despite the fact that you’ve only ever shown two people who’ve gone against you in any way,” Wave Crest was quick to point out.

“Oh, but Wave Crest, don’t you know?” Florestan asked sarcastically. “The guy who said ‘show, don’t tell’ totally didn’t know what he was doing!”

Wave Crest smirked, picking up on Florestan’s obvious sarcasm almost immediately. “Really?” he asked in a sing-songy tone. “I hear that laziness is so in right now…”

“Well, you know how it is,” Florestan said, patting Wave Crest on the head. “I—”

"Marth, please…I want to talk to you face to face. I've…had some changes."

"Like you're ever going to get a chance to talk to me, Greil. You beat me senseless the last time I spoke a sentence right in front of your face. You tried to kill me."

"But I've changed! Really!"

"Oh yeah? What made you change?"

"I…can't answer that."

"Greil, you were once the kindest, most gentle person I know. Now, you've turned into something even worse than what Roy could ever be."

"Don't say that! I am not something like that monster!"

"You're not, huh? At least Roy didn't attempt to kill me. Go back to your room, Greil. I don't want to talk to you."

"Marth! Please! Trust me for once! I've had a change of heart! I don't want to live in a world where you aren't there! Please…like…"

Immediately, Eusabius frowned as Ike then told Marth about how Roy raped him. “Have I just heard such things from Ike’s mouth?”

“I… You did, yes,” Myrin commented, his hand covering his mouth in shock. He then looked as Marth opened the door and promptly told Ike not to touch him. “Does this mean to imply…?”

“I don’t think so, but...” said Florestan. He glared at Myrin, but then promptly shook his head. “No, that’s not why we’re here.”

"Why'd you stop the match?"

“That’s why,” Florestan commented.

“So why did you stop the match, Marth?” Wave Crest asked as he leaned against the wall.

Marth's eyes widen, his cheeks turning red. He tries to look up at Ike with a straight face.

"I…I didn't want you to get hurt anymore…"

Did he actually say that? Marth actually said that. Even through all the abuse and torture Ike had put on Marth, the older yet shorter teen still indeed did care for Ike. Marth mumbles something incoherent.

"You of all people…didn't want me to get hurt?"

"Yes…"

“Yes, we know that,” said Florestan, giving Marth a gesture to go ahead. “Now why didn’t you want Ike to get hurt?”

"Why?"

Marth turns even redder.

"I…I just…"

"What?"

"I thought you were a better person. I thought you were a great guy and a person who indeed cared for others. But the events leading up to that match killed all those feelings. Those feelings I had for you. But no. You had to grind them up and throw it back at my face. You had to fuck everything up for me and you. Truth is, I don't think I see what I loved about you anymore, Greil."

"W-Whoah, there. You loved me…"

"Yes I did!" Marth screams, "Now you just ruined it. And if you said you've 'changed' then you have a lot to go this time. You just destroyed what I had for you that would give you a chance with me."

Florestan glared at Marth. “Then why didn’t you want him to be hurt!?” he asked. “Seriously, if you’re going to get all pissed off about Ike throwing your feelings in your face, then why did you want to make sure he was still okay? I mean, sure, Marth mentioned that he had a crush on Ike, but he has just told Ike that he doesn’t have those feelings anymore. If he doesn’t have those feelings, why the fuck did he stop Ganondorf from pummeling Ike? And if it’s not related to love, maybe you could, oh, I dunno, explain that shit! Don’t just say ‘I was motivated by love’ and then be all ‘oh, but I don’t have those feelings for you anymore’! You just sound confused now!”

Wave Crest blinked, looking at Eusabius. “Wow, you weren’t kidding about the ranting bit,” Wave Crest said.

“I rarely kid,” Eusabius stated plainly as he wrote another charge in the notebook.

“Really now?” Wave Crest asked as he rose one of his eyebrows. He then shook his head. “Well, no, I can actually see that.”

"Wait! I'm not gay!"

"Really, Ike? Are you really not gay?"

"W-Well…"

"Exactly. Self doubt. Come back when you actually can get some balls to formally apologize for what you've done, and find out that you can publically say that you're gay. Until then, stay away from me."

Marth slams the door right in Ike's face, leaving the taller man alone.

Eusabius frowned. “Oh no…” he said. “You do not mean…”

“I do,” said Florestan as he opened the portal to the next chapter. “Come on. We’ve got more to see.”

He entered first, with Wave Crest and Myrin both following. Eusabius hesitated as he went through the portal, looking at the others. The older DIC agent briefly thought about what would happen if he snuck away from the others and decided to sit this scene out. Eventually, Florestan would find him, he was sure…

…but then he would miss a charge on the notebook. And when he saw Ike sitting across from Samus talking about pseudo-psychiatric musings, his curiosity was strangely piqued.

And so, he stepped through the portal just before Florestan closed it.

How'd you even realize you're gay?" [Samus asked.]

"I…that's…th-that's not a subject I like to touch on." [Ike replied.]

"Pedophilic Uncle?"

"No…"

Eusabius’ jaw dropped. “Did this fic just imply that you can discover your homosexuality by undergoing abuse perpetrated by a relative of the same gender?” he asked.

“Yeah,” said Wave Crest as he looked at Eusabius. “Yeah, it did just imply that.” He shook his head. “Dear Celestia, this is bad psychology!”

“And that’s really saying something when you have that be said by someone from frickin’ My Little Pony, with talking horses that don’t really talk about this kind of thing,” Florestan commented. He then glanced at Wave Crest, holding one of his hands up apologetically. “No offense.”

“No, I’m with you!” Wave Crest replied.

"Caught Dad having sex with a guy? No offence to him."

"None taken, and no..."

"Rape?"

"Y-Yes…"

"Well…uhm…well…you can't just turn gay because of one incident. Just because you took it up the butt doesn't mean that you can turn gay with one thrust." Samus frowns, "Or find out. I mean gays just aren't in it for pleasure, Ike. They also have this one thing called romance."

“Are you serious?” Wave Crest asked. “Did this self-proclaimed ‘psychiatrist’ just brush off the ‘I got raped’ thing!? I just...” He snorted derisively, shaking his head. “I don’t know much about how you’re supposed to deal with... this, but the way Florestan made it sound you’re supposed to be hurting a lot more than this!”

“It is supposed to hurt much more,” Eusabius stated. “I cannot believe that this could be any more... messed up.”

“Yeah, this is super fucked up!” said Florestan. “And after this? Jesus Christ on a pikestaff...”

"I know…but when I got into it, I actually started to like it. I actually wanted them to fuck me. I wanted them to do whatever. I liked the taste of a man in me. I liked the thrill of having one pound me and suck me dry...It just was awesome..."

Samus cringes at Ike's...'detailed' description, but soon regains her composure. "So do you actually like like Marth or do you just want to fuck him?"

Ike looks down to his feet. The worn out leather seemed ancient in comparison to Samus' Gunship, yet it seemed all too homey. Sure there was technology eons ahead of what Ike had, but it was already decorated for the Holiday Season. Tinsel, ornaments, even an actual living Christmas Tree sitting in a corner all laced Samus' home. Ike sighs in contemplation as he looks back up at Samus, who now was tapping her foot.

"I don't know."

"Well find out, Ike." Samus beams, "I can't do much to help you today. I got another client in shortly."

Ike rolls his eyes as he walks over to the exit to Samus' ship. "Easy bucks for this 'psychiatrist' gig?"

Samus giggles as she waves her friend goodbye as he steps into the snow.

“Do you speak of the implication that Ike has essentially been raped into being homosexual?” Eusabius immediately asked.

“Yeah!” Florestan said. “What the fuck is this, with the closeted homophobe finding out he’s gay and then completely embracing it!? That’s not how the psychology of a closeted homophobe works at all! Closeted homophobes know that they’re gay, and they’re ashamed of themselves because of it; thus, they take their shame out on other gay guys who are not in the closet! That’s how it works! It’s not… ‘oh, hey, look at me, I’m hating you, but that’s okay, because a trio of douchebags will rape me into being gay and I won’t be a homophobe anymore’!” Florestan began gesticulating wildly, his voice increasing in volume as Florestan’s fury increased. “If anything, this should be the part where Ike starts being more homophobic! But instead, he’s just all ‘oh, look at me, I think I love Marth now’, and on top of all that he’s saying that instead of going through the psychological trauma that rape victims go through! I just...! I can’t even...!”

“What did you expect from a lustful person?” Myrin asked.

Wave Crest rose his hand, pointing it at Myrin. “Don’t you even—!”

“Why are you so offended?” Myrin asked. “Ike is clearly a creature of lust if he is able to enjoy having sex with a man after having it forced upon him. Is that part not obvious?”

Florestan frowned, his earlier fury immediately quieting down into shock. “Wait…” He leaned forward, looking at Myrin. “You’re not saying…”

Myrin looked at the words and pointed at some words he was sure everyone had already read. “Do you not remember when Ike said this?” he asked. As the other three agents saw that he had pointed at this:

Roy grunts as he thrusts hard into Ike, "You see why Marth had been like this?"

"Ngh? Pleasure?"

"Sure. Let's go with that."

Florestan frowned. “You are saying…”

Myrin nodded. “Creature of lust,” the disguised wolf replied. “Which does not surprise me, as this is a sodomite we speak of here.” He looked up. “To be honest, I expected something such as this to happen at some point. After all, one can only affirm that sodomites are inherently different in that they are driven by lust, correct?”

Florestan frowned. “Wait… You’re saying this fic only affirms that gay people are driven by lust… Which is not something you want anyone to say to themselves in a Gay Aesop…” he muttered.

“…Meaning that this fic only reinforces certain negative stereotypes perpetuated by centuries of misconceptions within the Western world,” Eusabius finished. He frowned, and then wrote it down in the charge book. “I believe that this fic has failed to live up to its admittedly admirable message in the worst way imaginable.”

“Yeah, that’s what it looks like,” Florestan said.

“You see why I didn’t say anything?” Wave Crest asked. “I just thought...”

“Yes,” said Eusabius flatly, his neck tensing slightly as he spoke. “Yes, I do.” He looked at Samus as Pit took a seat on the couch. “Is there anything more we must see?”

“Well… basically the only thing that happens after this point is that suddenly the characters’ motivations become completely confused,” Florestan said. “And unfortunately, some stuff happens that is so crazy that it kind of needs to go onto the charge list.”

“Oh, come on!” said Wave Crest. “We already know why this fic sucks!”

“Well, I hate to say it, but this is only a part of how truly awful this fic gets,” Florestan replied. “I mean, it’s a fairly big part, but still.” He then opened a portal to a later chapter. “We can skip this scene. It’s basically Pit going on about a certain plot element that comes into play a little bit later. And we can also skip other scenes, so we’ll jump immediately to another chapter.” He nodded, passing the disguised wolf as he walked up to the portal. “Oh, and Myrin… I’m not one to complain about the things other agents say, but in your case, and with your attitude that you’ve shown throughout this mission… I would avoid Bad Slash like the bloody plague.”

“But did you not catch on to—?” Myrin asked.

“We grappled to the fact that your comment points out a larger problem with the fic,” Eusabius said abruptly. “We did not agree with your message. Now come. We have work we must do.”

Eusabius stepped into the portal immediately, with a slight speed to his step that Florestan noticed and was quite surprised by. Wave Crest did not notice anything, however, and so he followed Eusabius into the next scene. Myrin and Florestan both stood there, looking at the portal with wide eyes. The disguised wolf turned to Florestan, an uncertain expression on his face.

“Did I say something to offend him?” Myrin asked.

Florestan gave Myrin an angry look. “At this point, it’d probably be easier to ask what you didn’t say to offend him, with all your talk of ‘sodomites’ and all that.” Florestan immediately turned to the portal.

Myrin blinked in shock. “You do not mean to imply…” he said.

The DIC agent paused as he was about to step into the portal. “Figure it out, Frenchy,” Florestan said. “And then think about it.”

Florestan stepped through the portal shortly after this, leaving Myrin to ponder on Florestan’s word choice as he stood there thinking about what was said, what the fic had said, this new revelation that Eusabius was one of these lustful ‘sodomites’ that he had been decrying despite the fact that Eusabius did not display any such qualities…

“I believe this has been a most… peculiar mission,” Myrin commented.

With this, he walked through the portal.

----**----

The restaurant stops for a second at the shriek, but then continues through the night.

As the agents portalled to the restaurant, they suddenly noticed that the restaurant had sprouted chicken legs for no discernible reason. It had begun moving, but stopped right as they heard a shriek from someone else, before it resumed moving.

“Wait, there are restaurants that run on chickens’ legs now?” asked Wave Crest. “What the hay?”

“I cannot help but feel we stepped into a piece of Russian mythology just now,” said Eusabius as he wrote this down in his charge notebook.

Ike glares daggers at the man sitting across from Marth, the Prince only twiddling his thumbs innocently. The Crimean ruffles his own hair, his hands clenched tightly into fists as he pounds the table. He stares at the man, sky blue eyes into piercing, cat like amber ones. The man flicks a hair out of his vision, smirkinf underneath the cloth.

"Well, well," the long haired man scoffs, "isn't this a fine evening to reveal one's secrets to. Ah, well I think me and my boyfriend's night is ruined.

"No! You don't deserve him! I do!" Ike roars as he firmly grasps the man by the neck, " you don't know what we've been through."

"Oh I fully know," the man growls, "You tortured and caused so much misery for my poor Prince. You hurt him and broke his hopes of ever wanting to be with the man whom he loved so dearly, only for him to not give him the same hospitality and love. You called him out in front of millions, just because his sexuality is different. You are your own wolf, Ike Greil."

"Shut up!"

“And now, Ike has decided that he loves Marth,” Eusabius commented.

“You know, because there was so much chemistry between these two,” Florestan commented sardonically as he sat down at a nearby table. “Didn’t you see how lovingly they yelled at each other in every scene before this one?”

“Oh, I did,” said Wave Crest. “You can tell that Ike has the hots for Marth from the way he suddenly decided that they were in love!”

“Yeah,” said Florestan. “Pfft, this doesn’t make him look like a bipolar stalker at all!”

“Why does he insist on saying such… strange things?” Myrin asked.

Eusabius shrugged. “It is… one way to deal with intense stupidity within a fic,” the experienced DIC agent commented. “They must not be faulted, for they do have a point.” With this, he wrote a new charge in the charge notebook as Ike went on about his sudden, unexplained attraction to Marth.

"And now that everyone knows you're gay, the press will be hot on your trail."

"No one else knows that!"

The being takes a peek behind the swordsman to see a Koopa with a tape recorder. The turtle smiles and scurries away, leaving Ike in a state of shock and the man laughing underneath the cloth that covered his mouth.

Marth sighs to himself and looks up at his alleged boyfriend and smiles weakly.

"We...should go..." Marth mumbles, "We can eat at our place, Kuro-senpai. I invited Link and Pit."

"Agreed, sweetie, since this place has been ruined by a Self concieted moron. I'll do the cooking tonight! Don't you worry. Unless, of course Link brought some of those yummy dumplings he makes! Oh gosh those are so good."

Myrin frowned, suddenly realizing something. “Hold,” he said. “Ike has realized he is a sodo—is gay.” He paused, glancing away from Florestan as he continued. “Because of this, the man whom he bashed decides to humiliate him by telling the world that Ike is gay with... uh... whatever a paparazzi group is? What is a paparazzi group?”

“It’s a media thing,” said Florestan. “Basically, it’s a bunch of people who are paid to take records of what famous people do in their day to day lives.”

“Ah,” said Myrin. “I assumed that was what ‘paparazzi’ meant. It is good to see that my original point still stands, then.”

“Oh yeah, that it does,” said Florestan. He then frowned, looking at Myrin. “Wait, what is your point?”

“My point is this: does this situation not seem a trifle counter-intuitive to anyone?” Myrin asked. “If these people were accepting of Marth’s homosexuality, would it not stand to reason that they would accept Ike’s as well?”

“Well, except for the part where Ike was all ‘ah, gay guys are the devil’ and all that,” said Florestan. “They’d probably ostracize him for turning his back on his own kind, or something like that.”

“Is that so?” asked Wave Crest. “Humans don’t really forgive much, do they?”

“Not exactly, no,” said Florestan. “We don’t like to forget things.”

“Do they move on, though?” asked Wave Crest.

“Eh… it depends.” The impetuous agent shrugged.

As Florestan and Wave Crest continued talking about human nature, Eusabius shrugged, looking over to Myrin. “They certainly seem to enjoy themselves.”

Myrin nodded. “That they do,” he said. He frowned, looking to Eusabius. “Is it true, about a girlfriend of Florestan’s?”

“Maria?” Eusabius asked. “Yes, of course. They met on a mission in which we were partnered with a different RC.” Eusabius frowned immediately. “Why?”

The disguised wolf shrugged. “Curiosity,” he said. “I admit I was rather intrigued when he mentioned her…” The wolf paused, wondering if he was encroaching on any territory by asking. In the end though, he breathed in deeply as Ike motioned to some shadowy-looking Pit clone to sit at his table.

“And what of you, mon ami?” Myrin asked. “Do you have a… significant other? Is that the term?”

“It is,” said Eusabius, though Myrin noticed that his hands had balled up into fists. “And yes, I do.”

Myrin nodded. “What is…” He paused, looking down at the ground. “What is your special friend like?”

“My friend is… wonderful.” Eusabius looked away from Myrin, such that the wolf had to step forward. “This friend is a really sweet person, you understand. H—” Eusabius paused, Myrin blinking at how he stopped at the pronoun. “She works in DoSAT. We actually went on our first date just before this mission. She…” Myrin got the sense that the pause that occurred was not because he was trying to think about what had transpired. “She can be nervous at first. With time, however, she can become quite sociable. It is strange how many topics can be discussed with someone not of your species.”

“So your significant other is…?” Myrin asked.

“An alien from the Halo continuum,” Eusabius replied. “H—… she is not used to romance. It is a cultural thing with her. But when we have been together… it’s the happiest I’ve felt in many years. And I get the sense that my dear Zer—… Z, loves it very much.” Eusabius looked up at the sky, and for just a brief moment Myrin thought he could see Eusabius’ eyes water. Eusabius looked a little tense, and while most people wouldn’t have noticed it Myrin saw when Eusabius’ right shoulder seemed to twitch stiffly.

The disguised wolf glanced to the side, suddenly feeling a strange rush of emotion. At first, the disguised wolf could not place it, but... overall, it was an uncomfortable feeling. And then, he realized that he had done something wrong when he said ‘sodomites’ the number of times he did. Whatever the cause, he had clearly put Eusabius at unease, and the rage Florestan felt earlier...

Myrin sighed, rubbing his temples nervously. It was then that the disguised wolf realized just how out of time he was.

With this, he turned to the agent. “Eusabius,” the disguised wolf began. “I think you and I—”

"Fuck!" Ike roars, interrupting Myrin rather abruptly. Everyone’s attention turned to Ike almost immediately. "This just can't get any worse...I have a re-"

"Guys!" A horrified Ganondorf barges into the building, "Marth's been stabbed!"

Florestan blinked uncertainly. “Well, that came out of nowhere,” he said.

Wave Crest was less certain. “Don’t we have to get him to the Medical Department?” he asked.

“We might, but he won’t be close to expiring for the next two chapters, so we’ll be okay,” Florestan replied. “Besides, we’ll probably be wrapping things up here.” He nodded, looking up as the author’s note began.

Aw darn. Just before Valentine's Day and I stab Marth...well, I'mma be depressed too. I just found out one of my best friends is gay and well, he's not into me, but I like him...a lot...as in holy Goddesses, I love him enough to blow up Planet Zebes over and over until the remains are shaped like a heart.

Myrin rose an eyebrow. “Is that our author’s note?”

“It seems like it,” said Wave Crest.

“He loves a man enough that he is willing to destroy planets…” Myrin glanced to Florestan. “I imagine that, even were he to arrange the fragments of this ‘Planet Zebes’ into a heart, this person the author has feelings for would probably be disturbed by the fact that a planet was destroyed to make this display.”

Florestan nodded. “And I think you’ve just summed up what’s wrong with this whole fic,” he commented, winking at the disguised wolf. He then opened a portal. “Come on, let’s go.”

Wave Crest and Florestan both walked through the portal, ending up in the next chapter. Myrin nodded to Eusabius. “I assume we will discuss this later,” the disguised wolf commented. “Come. Let us go.”

Eusabius nodded, following Myrin through the portal as they stepped into a hospital in time to see someone block Ike and a shadowy Pit clone disguised as a demon by the name of Kuro from following Marth into a room.

"LET ME IN! I NEED TO SEE HIM!" the young demon shrieks.

"No," the man sighs, his long hair flowing as he walks past the two, "I can't let you two compromise the sterility of the room beyond that door.

Florestan immediately snorted. “Compromise the sterility of the room beyond that door?” The DIC agent shook his head. “Good luck operating on Marth, then: he could compromise the sterility of the room just by himself.”

“Well, wait a minute,” Wave Crest replied. “Don’t you know that operating on a patient while said patient is wearing a hazmat suit is a legitimate medical procedure?”

“Really?” Florestan asked. “Is it one of those rare procedures you can get if you go to Bali?”

“It was developed by… actually, what is Bali?” Wave Crest paused, looking uncertain.

Florestan shrugged. “Some country in southeast Asia,” he replied. “It’s where most people go to get psychic surgery.”

“People do that?” asked Wave Crest.

“Well... No.” Florestan sighed. “It’s complicated. We don’t have time to talk about it here, though, so...”

Wave Crest frowned. “Okay...” he said. “But I have the feeling I’m not going to like where that goes...”

Please. If you want Marth to recover then you just can't get in there without the proper outfit."

"Says who?!" Ike roars, taking the man and Kuro by surprise, "And if we need the proper outfit then just give it to us!"

The man looks at Ike, then at Kuro. He furrows his brow, massaging his temples. "I'm sorry, boys. I just can't."

"You have to! We need to see him!" Kuro growls, "Isn't there anything you can do?!"

The disguised pony looked up. “I thought there were other reasons why people weren’t allowed into operating rooms in human hospitals…” he observed.

“There are,” said Eusabius. “Namely, that anyone apart from the doctors inside the room might compromise the operation. Space concerns, you understand.” He shrugged.

Myrin stepped forward. “Is medicine truly so regimented in the modern world?” the disguised wolf asked.

“Yeah, it kind of is,” Florestan observed. “And it’s also way ahead of where you were in that regard. Sterilizations are part of it and everything.”

“Ah, so I understand that Monsieur Pasteur’s ideas of infection being caused by micro-organisms gained traction leading up to the modern day,” Myrin commented.

“They… did, actually,” said Florestan. “How’d you—?”

"We-"

"Doctor Sephiroth!" a blonde haired nurse barges out of the Operating Room doors, eyeing Ike. "He's getting less stable. I suggest you come in and help."

"Right away, Cloud." Sephiroth nods. He pauses to take a look at Ike and Kuro, who at this point are on the verge of tears.

“Whoah, Doctor Sephiroth!?” Florestan asked. “Jesus Christ on a pikestaff, what is this, ‘pick a random canon and insert him here for no reason whatsoever day’?”

Wave Crest blinked. “Never mind that: did one of Ike’s rapists just pass Ike without either one of them making a single comment about it?” he asked.

Florestan looked at the doctor, and then at Cloud, who just stood there acting as if nothing had happened between them the other day.

“Holy shit, he did,” said Florestan. “Oh, I call bullshit!”

The man sighs once again. "Fine, you may come in. but don't touch anything."

“Oh yeah, and I call bullshit on that too!” said Florestan as they all followed Dr. Sephiroth through the doors. “Yeah, never mind that this is an emergency room or anything!”

“Well, look at the bright side,” said Wave Crest as they wheeled Marth into a smaller room. “At least they’re not operating out in the hallway.”

Florestan sighed. “Yeah, at least there’s that,” he conceded. He squinted, reading the words. “I don’t know about instant-clotting liquid, though. I think there’s a charge in there.”

“I shall write a general charge for bad medicine,” Eusabius stated calmly. “Perhaps we should find some samples of that?”

“Yeah, Medical would love to get their hands on that,” Florestan commented.

“Indeed they would,” Eusabius replied. “Should we ask about the stab wound and how long it would take a man to bleed to death?”

“Well, that depends on the stab wound,” said Myrin immediately. He then peeked into the room, frowning. “Though, it is quite a monstruosité, seeing a stab wound move all over a person’s body.”

Florestan blinked in shock, looking inside to see that indeed, Marth’s stab wound was moving all over the royal’s body. “Well, there we go,” Florestan said. “This wound is now moving thanks to the properties of bad prose.” He frowned, looking at the grey-haired doctor. “Also, someone should really tell the doctor not to do anything that says ‘hey, look at me, I’m this character, duh’.”

The other three agents leaned forward as Cloud finished telling Sephiroth to get back to work. "Okay, okay. I'm on it. If the police calls, though, I'll need to speak to them." With that, Sephiroth walks over to the operating table, leaving Cloud with the two mourners. "Estuans interius ira vehementi...estuans interius ira vehementi..."

“Estuans interius… Is that Latin?” Myrin asked immediately. “I thought it was a dying language...”

“Not if your name is Nobuo Uematsu,” Florestan replied. He then glanced to the side. “Or Karl Orff, for that matter.”

“Plenty of people see it fit to set Latin text to music,” Eusabius elaborated. “I personally wonder of the size of scalpel he uses during surgery.”

Myrin frowned. “Whatever do you mean?”

“Well, Sephiroth wields this giant sword in his canon of origin,” said Florestan. “In fact...” He peered into the operating room. He then snorted, and turned away while trying to stifle a laugh.

Wave Crest walked up to the surgery room in confusion. “What are you laughing at?” he asked, opening the entrance. “What are...”

And then Wave Crest looked in to see that there, leaning against the wall of the room, was a pair of giant scalpels. The doctor looked at them both before resuming his check of Marth.

Wave Crest also snorted. “Okay, that’s kinda—”

"Don't worry. He's a good doctor…" Cloud reassures Kuro and Ike, the latter a bit sceptical of the man's word. "Sorry for what happened a few weeks ago too…I wasn't really myself."

"No matter, Strife…apology accepted." Ike mutters.

“Nooooooooooooooooooo, no! No! NO!! I… No! No! No no no no NO!!!”

Florestan’s little shouting rant immediately caused the action to stop all around them. Everybody in the room looked directly at the PPC agents, including Ike, Cloud, and this Kuro character. They all looked at the agents in surprise.

Immediately, Eusabius jumped in. “Ah, you will have to pardon my friend here,” Eusabius said. “Someone… told him a joke.”

“And, um... as you can likely tell, this joke was in exceedingly poor taste,” said Myrin, giving a nervous smile to the alerted characters.

“Who the hell are you?” Cloud asked immediately.

“Visitors,” Eusabius replied.

“We actually got lost on our way to finding a friend,” Myrin added. “I shall assume that we are in the wrong part of the hospital, oui?”

“You… are…” said Ike uncertainly. “The other hospital rooms are over that way.”

Eusabius looked up at the ceiling, but then decided it was not worth pointing out that Ike should have no idea what the geography of the hospital was. “Ah, I see,” said Eusabius. “Thank you, good sir.”

The agents walked in the direction Ike had indicated, with Wave Crest looking behind as the action resumed. They then ducked into one of the empty rooms, with Florestan shaking his head the whole way. When they were in private, the impetuous agent immediately threw his arm out, almost hitting a heart monitor with quite a bit of force.

“What the hell was that!?” Florestan asked immediately. “I mean, I’ve heard of easy forgiveness, but that was just… Gah!” Florestan walked straight up to the wall and started banging his head against it.

Wave Crest immediately rushed forward. “Hey, hey!” The disguised pony stopped Florestan’s head banging. “Dude, calm down. It’s stupid, but it’s no reason to hit your head against a wall!”

“Why not?” asked Florestan. “It’s just… how does Ike easily forgive one of the guys who raped him? Cloud says literally one line, and suddenly Ike is all ‘okay, that’s fine’. No, that is not how this shit works!”

“And I understand that,” said Wave Crest. “But you don’t need to get this angry about that, you really don’t. Seriously, is it worth it to lose some brain cells over this fic? It’s so dumb I don’t think you need to lose brain cells over it. Don’t you?”

Florestan sighed. “I… I guess not,” he said. He sighed. “Yeah, it’s not worth it for this fic. Sorry.”

“Oh, it’s fine,” said Wave Crest. “Trust me, I see where you’re coming from.”

Eusabius showed some genuine surprise as Wave Crest did this. “I must say, I did not think anyone could calm him down like that,” Eusabius commented.

“Well, it always works when you appeal to one’s brain cells,” said Wave Crest. “I think. That’s what they’re called, right?”

“Yeah, that’s what they’re called,” said Florestan, as he peeked his head out from beyond the room they were in. They watched as Sheik ran in rather quickly, berating Ike for his former homophobia. “Well, I guess this fic can’t get any stupider.”

“We’re approaching the end of this mission, aren’t we?” Wave Crest asked.

“We are indeed,” Florestan commented. “I think we just need to see a couple more things, and—”

"IKE!" a baritone voice echoes from behind him.

"Wow, you're popular tonight," Kuro elbows the Crimean.

The two turn to see Dr. Sephiroth running towards them, his cellphone in his hand.

“Great,” Florestan said. “So not only does Sephiroth as he appears in this fic have absolutely nothing in common with his canon counterpart, but he also has a cellphone, a technology that has no place in Final Fantasy VII. Wonderful.”

“Well, wait: don’t forget that Cloud and Ezrael also had nothing in common with their canon counterparts,” Wave Crest commented. “Why even bother making it a crossover if you’re not going to even adhere to their respective canons anyway?”

“Potential Rule of Cool abuse, perhaps,” Eusabius said as he wrote another charge. “It would only be logical, after all.” He then looked to Myrin. “Perhaps you would like the cell phone?”

“I would choose not to use one,” Myrin replied. “You can take it if you wish.”

“Very well,” said Eusabius.

His long hair flows behind him as usual, Zelda noticing the fine, masculine structure that was speeding towards her. She blushes.

"Ike, important news," Sephiroth mutters, "You too, Kuro. Oh…and good evening, Princess Zelda."

Zelda swoons as Sephiroth takes her hand and kisses it.

“Hm...” Myrin said, rubbing his chin. “I must ask: who is this Zelda character?”

“She is one of the Smash Brothers,” Eusabius replied. He then wrote down another charge in the notebook. “Not that it is important since she was not truly introduced in any capacity until now, and with such little character at that…”

“I take it she is not so… insipide in the games,” Myrin commented.

Florestan frowned. “I don’t think so…” he said. “Well… not if that means what I think it means, anyway.”

"Now, onto more pressing matters. Ike, Kuro. The police need to have a word with you two. They have leads as to who may have committed the assault on Marth. They've already talked to every Smasher in the tournament, as well as the people at the restaurant and myself."

"What do you have to do with this?" Ike cocks his head.

"Well, this type of assault has been done before. And the last victim had quite a lethal wound…she lived, though. Not because of me, but because of the Chaos Demon within her. Anyways, because of that incident, I was commissioned to identify the wounds and trace it to the perpetrator. I may have a clue as to who it is."

“Forensic science fail!” Wave Crest immediately exclaimed.

“And coming from the guy who doesn’t know much about crime scene investigation, that says a lot,” Florestan added as Eusabius wrote this charge down. “I mean, seriously, that’s like saying that you’re going to find out who shot a gun by only looking at how the bullet entered the person!”

“Yeah, that’s really stupid,” said Wave Crest. “Let’s hope it doesn’t get any stupider.”

“Oh, if I know the Ironic Overpower, it’s already working on that,” Florestan replied.

"Well? Who do you think it is?"

"Roy."

Myrin frowned. “Hold,” he said. “Was Roy not Marth’s possessive ex-boyfriend? If so, why would he stab his own ex-boyfriend?”

“Hell if I know,” said Florestan. “Either way, it’s official: nothing about anything the characters do makes any sense. Now, we’ve just entered the point where characters do things because the plot says they have to.”

“I still find this fic utterly mystifying in that regard,” Myrin commented. He looked at Florestan as he opened a portal to the next chapter. “Should we attempt to conduct a reading on Roy?”

“Of course,” said Eusabius as he took the C-CAD out of his bag of holding. “Let us go, yes?”

Florestan nodded, stepping through the portal as they were transported to the Bridge of Eldin. Roy simply stood there, kneeling on the ground with his sword in hand, as if expecting something wild to happen.

“Is he kneeling there for no reason?” asked Myrin immediately.

“I do not know, but this is a perfect opportunity for a C-CAD reading,” Eusabius replied, pointing the C-CAD right at Roy and pressing the button. All four of the agents crowded around the C-CAD immediately, looking at the readout.

[Roy. Human Male. Fire Emblem Canon: Prince of Pherae. 99.99% OOC. Potential higher-level Sue-Wraith detected. Exorcise with extreme caution.]

Florestan and Eusabius both gave each other knowing looks as soon as they finished reading this. “Conflictus creatrix,” they said at the same time.

“And I shall assume that all the others are character replacements,” Eusabius added.

“How do you defeat an entire canon of replacements?” asked Myrin.

Florestan frowned, shrugging. “Normally, you don’t,” he said. “But then again, this isn’t a normal situation.” He frowned. “Are we even sure all these characters are replacements?”

“With the possible exception of Ganondorf, they must be,” Eusabius commented. “Nearly all of the characters featured in this fic could be replaced with original characters, and it would not affect the story in any way.”

“Is that a way to tell if a story has tons of replacements?” Wave Crest asked.

Florestan nodded. “That it is, Wave Crest,” he said. He then squinted, reading the words. “Which begs the question of how we’re going to kill those guys. Though… now that I think about it…” He smirked. “You see this?”

The mix of anger and fear filled him, as the Jury debated upon further punishment. And it was given to Roy. Execution by Brawl. The man now had to face a horde of creatures, brought to This World from every corner of the multiverses. He had to face the hardest hitting Fighters, with no items. He only had the sword he wielded, and the clothes upon his back. He was condemned.

“Execution by Brawl?” asked Eusabius. “Pray tell, when did this become Mortal Kombat?”

“Beats me,” said Wave Crest.

“Well, it might come to our advantage, actually,” said Florestan.

He [Roy] gulped as the hordes massed on the other side of the bridge, the thousands of Bokoblins, Moblins, Stalfos, Skulltulas, Lizalfos, Keese, Deku Babas and even the Guardians of the Silent Realms; all led by the Dark Lord himself. Ganondorf. And a flash of diamonds. Roy inspects the pale man who just appeared beside the warlock. Another appeared through a dark, geometric patterned portal; one that led directly to the Realm of the Twili.

Myrin blinked. “Does this not seem… excessive?” he asked.

“Yeah, it is,” said Wave Crest. He then looked at Florestan. “You’re not thinking…”

“I am thinking that,” Florestan said as he prepared the RA. “Okay guys, brace yourselves. As soon as Ganondorf charges, we move.”

The agents crowded around Florestan, looking at the large crowd of enemies from Legend of Zelda. “Okay,” said Wave Crest. “Is this gonna be easy?”

“Depends,” said Florestan. “But no matter what, we’re gonna do it anyway.” He looked to Roy. “Let’s get to Roy first. We need to get Marth and Roy into the same room. And then, we need to go look for Ike.” He then looked to Eusabius. “I hope you have a charge list.”

“I do,” the DIC agent replied, holding up his notebook.

“Then we’re all set,” said Florestan.

Ganondorf roars out, the creatures behind him screeching in a blind fury. They all charge, marching in a rhythmic manner, the ground shaking with every footstep.

And right as the pale man mentioned before warped behind Roy, Florestan nodded. “Showtime.”

With this, Wave Crest and Eusabius both tackled Roy to the ground. This abruptly caused the execution to stop where it was, with everyone looking at the two men that seemed to appear out of nowhere. Florestan nodded, opening a portal within the floor. Roy, Eusabius, and Wave Crest all fell through immediately, with Myrin and Florestan following before Ganondorf and anybody else had a chance to react.

Immediately, Eusabius got to work binding Roy to Marth’s hospital bed. “W-what—!?”

“Long story,” said Florestan. “You’re gonna be okay.” He then nodded to Eusabius and Myrin. “You two stay here. Since wraiths don’t have to be charged and you know who to invoke with all that, you can probably do the exorcism right here.”

Eusabius handed the charge notebook to Florestan. “Then perhaps you should handle executing Ike’s replacement,” Eusabius replied. “All of the charges should be marked down. If you must add any charges from reading ahead, you have my permission to do so.” He then handed Florestan the C-CAD. “And take this, just to be sure. If there is a wraith involved--”

“Which there probably won’t be,” said Wave Crest.

“Perhaps, but all the same it cannot hurt to be prepared for that possibility,” he stated. “Ike did undergo a rather radical personality change partway through the mission.”

“Yeah, he did,” said Florestan. “You think a wraith might be behind it?”

“Perhaps,” Eusabius replied. “Even character replacements do not change personalities so quickly.” He reached into the bag of holding immediately. “In the event that there is a wraith, you are to invoke the name of Shouzou Kaga.” He then pulled a copy of Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance out of the bag of holding. “I brought this just in case. We are dealing with a replacement, but you never can be too careful.”

“Thanks,” said Florestan as he took all three of the items. “I don’t know about Ike being posessed by anything, but we’ll see.” He then turned to Wave Crest. “All right, Wave Crest, you’re with me. Myrin, you’ll be helping Eusabius with the exorcism.”

Wave Crest nodded. “You got it,” he said.

“Very well,” Myrin stated. “We shall see what occurs, oui?”

With this, Florestan opened another portal to where the remaining Smashers were standing, Wave Crest following him through. The portal closed behind them, leaving Eusabius and Myrin alone with the two men.

The disguised wolf turned to Eusabius, rubbing his hands together. “Well, I assume we shall begin preparations?”

“Of course,” the DIC agent replied, pulling some candles out of his bag of holding. “Let us begin, shall we?”

----**----

[“Samus Aran”. Human Female. Metroid Canon: Bounty Hunter Turned “Psychiatrist”. Character Replacement. Kill the spare.]

“Okay then,” Florestan said, shoving Samus into the portal to the bridge of Eldin. “Have fun!”

Wave Crest looked around. He had reverted back to his original pony form at some point during the portal hopping looking for the Ike replacement. Florestan didn’t complain, so Wave Crest assumed it was all right. “Am I the only one who notices that it’s a little weird how we’ve bumped into every replacement but Ike?” he asked.

“No,” said Florestan. “I’m sure we should’ve run into him by now.”

“We should’ve, but we haven’t,” said Wave Crest as he jumped around. “Are we ever going to find him?”

“Who, me?”

Florestan and Wave Crest both turned around immediately. Behind them stood Ike, with Ragnell drawn. He stared the two of them down, glaring at them in hate.

Florestan nodded, grabbing the charge list. “Just the guy we’re looking for,” said Florestan. “Hello, ‘Ike’.”

“What do you want?” he asked. “I just want my Marth!”

Florestan rose his eyebrows. “What, after finding out you’re gay?” asked Florestan. “Do you really want him because you love him?”

“Yes!” said Ike. “I want Marth! He loves me, damn it, I know he does!”

“Listen to yourself!” Florestan replied.

“Uh, Florestan, hate to burst your bubble, but I don’t think he’d do that if he’s holding a giant sword,” said Wave Crest.

“I’m just saying,” Florestan replied.

“Because I think we all look forward to watching you say that while trying to dodge sword slashes,” Wave Crest replied. “Which he hasn’t started yet, but—”

“Quiet!” Ike’s exclamation immediately got Wave Crest to shut up, with pony and human alike looking right at the swordsman. “I want his love for myself!”

Florestan shook his head. “You’re confusing love with lust, idiot,” he said. “It doesn’t matter, though. That’s not the only problem you’ve got.”

“Is it?” asked Ike. “I just want his love! And I will do anything for it!”

Wave Crest frowned. “Uh, Florestan…” he said. “Does it seem odd to you that all he can seem to think about right now is getting in bed with Marth?”

Florestan glanced to the side. “Actually, Wave Crest, now that you mention it…” He frowned, slowly taking the C-CAD and pointing it at Ike. “It looks like Eusabius might’ve been right.”

Ike frowned. “What’s that?” he asked. “Some kind of device?”

Florestan didn’t reply, instead pressing the button. He then looked at the read-out, and was suddenly very surprised when he saw this:

[“Ike”. Beorc Male. Fire Emblem canon: Greil Mercenaries Leader. Reanalyzing… Character Replacement. Higher-level Sue Wraith has also been detected. Exorcise the wraith, and you figure out what to do with the spare.]

Florestan frowned, tilting the C-CAD to the side. “Huh,” Florestan said. “This thing is now giving me something about “Ike” being possessed by a Sue-Wraith…”

“Looks like Eusabius was right,” Wave Crest replied. “Well, I guess this means we’re doing an exorcism.”

“Sure looks like it,” said Florestan. “So... invoke Shouzou Kaga, huh?”

“That’s what Eusabius said,” Wave Crest stated.

Florestan smiled. “Then let’s get started.” He then approached “Ike”, the swordsman too confused by this point to do anything other than stand there. He then patted both game packages together, before whacking “Ike” over the head with both of them.

“Avaunt, spirit of bad writing!”

----**----

Myrin immediately rang the bell, watching as both Marth and Roy convulsed in place.

“Avaunt, spirits of needless angst and directionless conflict!” Eusabius shouted as he hit both Roy and Marth again with his copies of Fire Emblem: Ankoku Ryū to Hikari no Tsurugi and Fire Emblem: Fūin no Tsurugi . “Leave these souls in peace! The power of Shouzou Kaga compels you! The power of Masahiro Sakurai compels you! Leave these forms, wraiths, and show your true faces!”

Myrin rang the bell a final time, and that was when both Marth and Roy screamed, opening their mouths. The wraiths exited the two swordsmen, manifesting as various creatures above them. Myrin stepped back, suddenly feeling conflicting feelings of depression and wanting to hurt Eusabius rather badly.

“Damn,” said the Conflictus Creatrix that hovered over Roy. “We nearly had them too…”

“Two deafening blows in a war that has just begun,” the Impetus Miserabilis added immediately.

“And a war that will soon end,” said Eusabius as he looked up at the two wraiths.

“I think not, sodomite,” said the Conflictus Creatrix immediately.

Eusabius blinked, taking a step back as he looked at the wraith in surprise. “Sodomite?” he asked, nervously glancing right at Myrin. “Why do you say that?”

“See the rays of sunlight, they shine upon your scars,” the Impetus Miserabilis continued.

The DIC agent immediately glared at the wraiths, but he already felt a pang of great sadness within him. “I…” he said. “It is not a sin…”

“Is it?” the Conflictus Creatrix asked. The wraith in question turned to Myrin immediately. “I seem to recall that there are certain parties here who say otherwise. In fact, he may think to kill you…”

Myrin blinked in shock. “Hold, wraith!” said the disguised wolf. “What are you to claim that I am a killer?”

“Who are you to claim you aren’t worse than I am?” the wraith asked.

“Someone who did not decide that attempting to rape a man and to kill your ‘ex-boyfriend’ simply as a method to introduce more tension was good, I believe,” Myrin stated angrily. “I am no brute, as you will surely find.”

“But beneath that in the core, there's a Demon,” the Impetus Miserabilis added.

“A demon that must be exterminated, no…?” the Conflictus Creatrix added, looking directly at Eusabius.

The wolf took a look at the DIC agent and immediately felt a rush of anger fill him. “The sodomite, you mean…” the wolf stated. “The sinner…”

The Conflictus chuckled. “Yes…” it said. “The sodomite must be destroyed…”

Myrin blinked, but by then, he felt a rush of anger. “He must be…” Myrin stated with a strange monotone. “Il doit être détruit…”

Eusabius blinked, watching as Myrin’s eyes widened. However, the rest of Myrin’s body moved along. “What are you doing to him?” asked Eusabius.

“Only what his heart asks for,” said the Conflictus Creatrix. “He believes all sodomites must be destroyed.”

Eusabius frowned. “No, that is not correct at all,” said Eusabius.

“I vomit, cringing from the poison you injected into my heart so long ago,” the Impetus Miserabilis replied, seemingly offended at Eusbius’ suggestion.

“That is not correct?” asked the Conflictus Creatrix. “I think otherwise.”

Eusabius turned to Myrin, but before he could react, he saw that the disguised wolf had bent down and picked up Marth’s sword. The DIC agent immediately took a step back. “Hold,” Eusabius stated immediately. “Did you not call Ike a brute worse than the… sodomites over the bashing?”

“It’s amazing to me how cruel love can be to someone who has been through it all just to fall,” the Impetus Miserabilis intoned. “All shall be burnt black to my left and to my right.” The wraith paused, looking at Eusabius. “How can you lie to yourself?”

“Lie to myself?” asked Eusabius. “You cannot mean…”

“Yes, it does…” The Conflictus Creatrix smirked. “Why do you convince yourself that your sexuality is good? Is it not a sin?”

“I… I…” Eusabius glanced to the ground in shame.

“Slit my throat, cut out my heart, leave me here, tear it apart,” the Impetus Miserabilis intoned.

Eusabius looked down. “Perhaps…” He paused, looking down at the ground as tears welled in his eyes. “I was… I thought it was…”

“Yes…” said the Conflictus Creatrix as Myrin walked closer to Eusabius.

The DIC agent then fell to his knees, looking down at the ground as Myrin seemed to smirk. The disguised wolf’s eyes widened in terror, but his body moved on autopilot, raising Marth’s sword above his head.

“Submit to fate…” the Impetus Miserabilis said quietly.

With this, Eusabius closed his eyes shut. The DIC agent tightened his hands into a pair of fists, looking at the ground in shame. All he could seemingly think of was the great shame of his homosexuality. And so, he simply knelt there, awaiting his fate at Myrin’s hands.

Myrin let out a yell, bringing Marth’s sword down on the DIC agent. The wraiths watched with great glee as the blade came down on Eusabius.

This, of course, caused both wraiths to pause in confusion when the blade plinked harmlessly off of Eusabius’ neck. The blade simply bounced off of his skin, leaving Myrin to stand there looking rather confused, and the two wraiths to look up in confusion.

“What?” the Conflictus Creatrix asked. “What is the meaning of…?”

Eusabius opened his eyes rather quickly. Immediately, the tears seemed to vanish somehow, which caused the two wraiths quite a bit of confusion. The DIC agent looked directly at the wraiths, standing up as Myrin took a step back.

It was only then that the two wraiths realized that Roy’s sword was held in Eusabius’ right hand.

Neither wraith had any time to react, for by the time they could, Eusabius had already slashed at both of them. The Impetus Miserabilis vanished into thin air almost immediately, though the Conflictus Creatrix was able to dodge. However, he could not dodge Eusabius’ next slash, and with a loud scream the Conflictus Creatrix was no more.

Eusabius held his stance for a few seconds before nodding and dropping Roy’s blade on the ground. “Well, I suppose events could have unfolded a little more smoothly for us, but it shall do,” he stated plainly. He then rubbed his neck. “That may leave a bruise, now that I think of it…”

Myrin blinked, looking at the sword in his hands. “I… Are you speaking verily, Eusabius?” the disguised wolf asked. “I could very well have killed you, and yet you treat it as there was no threat.”

“There was not a very large threat,” said Eusabius. “It seems the wraith forgot one fairly important detail: only men of a certain bloodline can use that sword.”

Myrin looked down at Marth’s sword. “You do not mean to imply…” Myrin began.

“Yes,” said Eusabius as he looked at the blade. “This is the holy blade Falchion. It is Marth’s signature weapon, and it cannot be used by anyone not of his bloodline. As you were not a descendant of Marth, you cannot use this blade.”

“I see…” Myrin nodded, lowering the sword so that it fell to the ground as well. “Well, I am very glad for it,” he said. “I would never have forgiven myself if you were to be slain by my hand…”

“I appreciate your concern, my good friend,” said the DIC agent. He then glanced to the side. “Though… I suppose…”

Myrin sighed. “Yes, about the ‘sodomite’ issue,” the disguised wolf said. He looked right at Eusabius. “Actually, I…” Myrin then looked around the room nervously, one of his hands picking at his sleeves before looking back to the DIC agent. “I believe I owe you an apology.”

Eusabius blinked. “I… you do?” he asked, his voice rising in slight surprise.

“Yes,” said Myrin. “I… I apologize for offending you.”

Eusabius looked at Myrin. “Only for offending me?” Eusabius asked.

“It is clear that this world is very different from what I have seen before,” Myrin stated. “I still believe that what I am seeing here is... not very wholesome.” He glanced to the side. “However, I am not... whatever that wraith was. I am much more courteous than that, and for me to have said such things indicated a clear lack of decorum on my part.” Myrin bowed. “Hence... I apologize for offending you. I shall try not to do so in the future.”

Eusabius sighed, glancing to the side. He felt some amount of disappointment in Myrin, but... at the same time, it was still progress. Eusabius recognized this much, at least. And so...

“I forgive you.” Eusabius glanced up, looking at the ceiling of the small hospital room they were in. “I do hope you will come to see things how we see them, but for now, I forgive you.” After a few seconds passed, he turned his attention back to Myrin. “I assume Florestan hinted at my sexuality.”

“He did, yes,” the disguised wolf said. “He seemed a little furious, too. I can understand why after seeing your discomfort.”

“That does not surprise me, Myrin: Florestan is certainly a loyal friend,” Eusabius said. “Remind me to enliven you of the time I was shot during a mission.”

Myrin blinked. “You? Shot?” He took a small breath as he realized what Eusabius implied. “Are you—?”

“Well? It happened some time ago, so of course I am well.” The two agents heard groans come from both Roy and Marth. “We can speak of this later. For now, we must deal with what the wraiths left.”

Myrin smiled, grabbing the RA from his own bag of holding as Eusabius pulled out the neuralyzer. “Of course,” Myrin stated. “After you, Eusabius.”

The DIC agent nodded, approaching the two confused canons as they both looked at Myrin and Eusabius.

----**----

“The power of Shouzou Kaga compels you! Leave this form, wraith, and show your true form!”

As Florestan hit “Ike” over the head a final time, the swordsman let out a silent scream. The wraith exited the replacement’s mouth rather quickly, hovering up in front of them. The wraith took an unusual form, though, and when the wraith hovered over Ike, it assumed a pose, seeming to lay on a divan that did not exist.

Wave Crest frowned. “Are we in the middle of a ‘draw me like one of your French girls’ moment?” he asked.

“I know not what you speak of, but that doesn’t matter,” the wraith replied in a booming voice. It then floated down to Wave Crest, stroking the pony’s chin. “You are quite easy on the eyes, mister. I think it could be used for… other pursuits.”

Florestan frowned. “If you’re talking about blowjobs, that’s off-limits, wraith,” he said. “What the hell do you—?”

“Oh, so uncouth,” the wraith replied. “Did your mother not teach you how to treat one such as myself?”

“But you’re not even a—!”

“At least you’re cute,” the wraith continued. “I think… Yes, a threesome is definitely in order.”

“No it’s not!” said Florestan. “I just—” He growled, grabbing his geth plasma rifle and aiming it at the wraith. “Now get out of—!”

And then the wraith seemed to pulse. Florestan immediately was taken aback by how beautiful the wraith looked in a certain form, though it was a form only he could see. It remained nebulous, but something about it... Something about it was attractive to him.

He also felt himself harden down there.

“…Our…” Florestan watched, mesmerized as a strange feeling bubbled up within his breast. “Place…”

The wraith smiled. “Yes,” it said, as Florestan dropped the rifle and both he and Wave Crest approached the wraith. “Come to me, my darlings…” The wraith smirked. “I think it is rather… cold here…”

Florestan blinked, walking up to the wraith. Almost immediately, the wraith shimmied its hips against his, which only aroused the DIC agent more. He let out a subconscious moan, closing his eyes and wrapping his arm around the wraith. He ground his hips into the wraith’s form shortly after, feeling a strange rush of a pleasant sensation going through him. Briefly, he thought he could feel the wraith’s form pass into his slightly, the wraith’s arm gracing a certain part of his subconscious and controlling the groping of a certain part of the wraith.

“Yes…” the wraith said. “Give yourselves to—”

At that moment, the wraith screamed in pain. Florestan immediately snapped out of his mood, looking at the wraith as he took several steps away. The two agents looked up, seeing that “Ike” stood there, with his version of Ragnell drawn. The replacement had slashed at the wraith, looking up at it in hate. Florestan briefly wondered how he hadn’t been affected by the wraith, before he noticed that a part of Wave Crest’s mane had been chopped off and had fallen to the ground, and that the Ragnell replacement was actually embedded in the wraith’s torso… or what could be called the wraith’s torso.

“Keep away from them, thing,” the replacement said. “I will not let you do to them what you did to me!”

“No!” the wraith replied. “I will not be—!”

But by this time, Florestan had already run over to his geth assault rifle. “Silenced?” Florestan asked. “Sorry, I’ve heard that one before, and we’re not falling for it again. Adios, wraith!”

And with this, the more experienced DIC agent opened fire, with Wave Crest jumping to the side. The wraith let out one final scream, before suddenly dissipating in a show of bright lights.

Florestan blinked, pausing as he processed everything that just happened. “Did we just get seduced by a slash wraith?”

“No, we didn’t,” Wave Crest immediately replied. “And if anyone asks, we never mention this again.”

Florestan nodded. “Yeah…” He glanced to the side nervously. “I especially think Maria won’t want to find out about this.”

“So she’s real,” said Wave Crest.

“Shumann can attest to that,” Florestan replied. “He’s actually made an attempt or two to eat the bedsheets after a particularly… intense session…”

“I… see…” said Wave Crest nervously. He then looked over to the replacement Ike as he slumped against the wall. “And now there’s—”

The pony paused mid-sentence upon seeing the sad expression on Ike’s face. The swordsman had placed Ragnell down on the ground, and had pulled his knees as close to his chest as he could. The replacement looked down at the ground, breathing a little more heavily as his shoulders began to heave. Florestan and Wave Crest looked at each other in surprise upon seeing the replacement looking so vulnerable. The pony shrugged, trotting over to him. Florestan followed, kneeling next to “Ike” as the swordsman looked at both of them.

“You… you know, don’t you?” the swordsman asked weakly. “You know about…” He swallowed, unable to continue.

Florestan simply nodded, placing a hand on the replacement’s shoulder. “We do,” said Florestan.

“Ike” tilted his head forward dejectedly. “I…” He shook his head, swallowing hard again. “They… they just used me… Like I was some thing… And then that other thing came, and…” He couldn’t bring himself to finish the sentence without sniffling. “I was screaming at it the whole time… I couldn’t resist at all… and then… I just…”

Florestan pulled the Ike replacement into his arms, right before the replacement burst into tears. “Ike” grabbed the front of Florestan’s shirt, his tears almost immediately staining the black material. The DIC agent could only pat the replacement’s back comfortingly, Wave Crest sitting on the ground watching.

The pony nodded sadly. “I think this one is better off going to Fic Psych,” he said.

Florestan nodded. “That he is,” he said seriously, patting “Ike”’s back. The agent closed his eyes, sighing sadly. “That he is…”

The character replacement spent several minutes crying, both of the agents only able to sit there and physically comfort the replacement.

----**----

When Myrin and Eusabius had returned from dealing with Marth and Roy, Florestan and Wave Crest had brought them up to speed on what had happened to “Ike”. It was decided that after finding the original canons and fishing them out of the plot holes, they would bring the Ike replacement to FicPsych.

Thankfully, this did not take long, and now all four of the agents were sitting outside of Dr. Freedenberg’s office. Wave Crest sat on the floor, while Florestan and Myrin sat at two chairs. The wolf was back in his original form, and was now scratching at the fur behind his ears. Eusabius stood close to the door of Dr. Freedenberg’s office, glancing at the other agents every so often. The four agents displayed varying degrees of antsiness, though Myrin seemed to show this most of all.

Finally, the door of Dr. Freedenberg’s office opened, and out stepped the old FicPsych doctor. Immediately, the four agents turned to him.

“Dr. Freedenberg,” said Florestan.

“Florestan,” the FicPsych director said. “Your latest… ‘catch’, shall I say, is a very interesting one indeed.”

“Is everything okay?” Wave Crest asked.

The doctor shrugged. “I will admit, this case will be difficult,” he said. “Dealing with a physical rape is one thing, but physical and mental rape combined would certainly cause him great distress.” He paused, looking at Florestan. “Thankfully, this replacement is not beyond help. Some of the questions I asked him provided some pretty conclusive answers. He won’t be a threat to anyone in the PPC.”

“So you’re thinking he might be recruited, then,” Florestan said.

“I will see if I can’t get him to help in FicPsych once he has recovered,” Dr. Freedenberg replied. “His rehabilitation will certainly take a while, however, so I cannot speak for what will happen to him once he has left treatment. If the Flowers have any sense, however, he will be put into a non-action department.”

“Thank you most kindly, doctor,” Myrin said.

“Always a pleasure,” said Dr. Freedenberg. “Now, I have other cases I must tend to. Good day.”

The FicPsych director then turned around, going back into his office. The door closed definitively, and it left the four agents standing outside.

Florestan nodded, looking to the others. “Well, I guess that’s it for this mission, then,” he said.

“Indeed it is,” said Myrin. He nodded. “Well, I must return to my Response Center, I suppose.” He nodded. “It was a pleasure to work with all of you. Perhaps we shall meet again, oui?”

“Yeah, maybe we can,” said Florestan.

“You take care of yourself, Myrin,” said Wave Crest.

“And you as well,” the wolf replied.

The wolf then exited FicPsych, leaving the three DIC agents standing there. They shrugged, looking at each other before they too left FicPsych, walking back to their RC.

“Well, that’s that,” said Florestan. “Another fic dealt with, a replacement recruited to the PPC, and other things.”

“I would say today was a good day,” said Eusabius.

“Well, except for the whole rape bit,” Wave Crest commented. “I still think we should’ve gone in to help.”

Florestan sighed. “Yeah, we should’ve,” the agent agreed. “Well… at least it looks like he can get better. Dr. Freedenberg is a miracle worker, you know.”

“It seems that way,” Wave Crest replied. He then looked up to the other two agents. “So this is what I’ve got to look forward to?”

“Not quite,” said Eusabius. “Missions rarely ever become so trying on a person’s soul. And most of our missions have been rather innocuous.”

“We’ll see, I guess,” Wave Crest replied. He then looked up. “I have to say, it’s interesting work. I’m glad they saw me fit to be an agent.”

“Well, you know how it is,” said Florestan. He shrugged, looking to his two friends. “I don’t know about you two, but I’m starving. You guys up for getting some bratwurst?”

“Sure,” said Wave Crest. “Though, let’s hope they’ve got salads there, ‘cause I don’t eat meat.”

“I am certain they will have vegetarian options there,” said Eusabius. “Come. Let us go.”

And with this, the three agents returned to their RC.

----**----

A/N:

Phew. I’m glad that’s done. Before I say anything else, I would just like to thank Outhra, EileenAlphabet, and Neshomeh for being the most amazing beta readers on the face of the planet!

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I’m back. I’m back, and this time I think I’ll be here to stay. It’s been too long since the last time I wrote a mission, it really has. Let’s just say I missed this a lot.

And boy, did I find the perfect fic with which to do a mission. Truth be told, this fic actually really pissed me off when I first read it, partly because of how it trivialized rape and mostly because of how said trivialization involved Ike being raped into gayness. There are so many unfortunate implications there that, in all honesty, it’s actually worse than homophobia in some ways. Really, the way rape was trivialized in this story was eight different kinds of disgusting. It’s one thing to employ rape for cheap shock value, but it’s another thing entirely to employ rape the way this fic does: honestly, this fic’s use of rape is even more disgusting than rape employed purely for shock value. That was ultimately what pushed me over the edge to write a mission on this fic, though the fact that the entire canon is replaced and character motivations become confusing and very unclear after that point also didn’t help.

But you want to know the worst part? The worst part has to be that I don’t believe the author meant to be offensive with this fic. I wasn’t exaggerating with how this author’s “Planet Zebes” bit in one of the author’s notes summed up the fic as a whole: that literally does summarize every problem with this fic. Dalektopia’s intent was admittedly quite noble: here was a gay Aesop about a man who is homophobic and also gay. There’s a good message in there about accepting who you truly are, there really is. The problem, then, is that Dalektopia resorts to such extreme and highly unrealistic measures to make his character come to terms with his own homosexuality while completely misrepresenting the psychology of homophobia. By going too far, Dalektopia loses us on the message front, and ultimately only reinforces some of the negative stereotypes people might still have about gay people while also trivializing some things that are very serious and very traumatic. That is not something that a gay Aesop should do.

But if you asked me if I thought this author was being malicious? No. I don’t believe he is. I think this was just a severely misguided fic, rather than anything written out of malice. It ultimately doesn’t excuse him, however: if he’s going to employ such a thing to get at his intent, he should know better.

So yeah, that’s my two cents on this. I hope you guys enjoyed!

-Herr Wozzeck