sarah

joe satkowski

i am going to start this off by saying that

i dont know why i am doing this

i dont at all its something

thats beyond catharsis

all that other drivel and pseudo intellectual college entry level bullshit

it seems to matter less and less every day, all of it

and i havent figured out why yet

and i dont promote nihilism

nor do i consider myself a nihilist

but i am stuck here with little motivation for anything

my emotions have evaporated and my mind is disintegrating into a fucking puddle

and i can feel it and ive sought help and got it and these past few years have

taken a huge toll on me

i wont get into specifics

but i keep hearing this voice

whenever i feel the most alone or vulnerable or something along those lines

she speaks to me

and it is in hushed tongues at first

sarah is quiet she does not like to talk too loud

and i recall a time recently

i was washing my hands at the sink and i could hear her

and i could sense that she was there

that they were there and watching and i had to get out of the room

so that happened

and thats how sarah started

anyway

what the fuck else do i talk about

i stopped drinking

i had an alcohol problem for three quarters of a year

i used to do coke

i used to do heroin

i take what i get as far as pills are concerned

i smoke a lot of cigarettes

i listen to a lot of sad music

i enjoy spending time alone

i am extremely sexual sometimes and other times i am almost asexual

i dont know about people anymore though

i just cant grasp it

relationships and all of it

its like i go through the motions but dont feel it and it hurts and i havent a fucking clue why

sex for me at this point isnt even a pleasure as much as a much needed release

what ive began to question is happiness

and it isnt the angsty teenage notion of happiness

but it is more of a pursuit of it

yes i eluded to that shitty will smith movie yes you just read that

anyway it becomes more of whether or not im on the track to finding it

or am i settling for imitation

drugs are just hollow imitation my friend

thats all theyve been for me and thats all theyll ever be

i been thinking a lot about when my dog died six or so years ago

and how he used to be so calm and quiet and lay around with me and watch television

he was my best friend

and then this fucking bug bit him and he died and that was that

i was so upset i vomited for three days and couldnt stop crying

he was an old soul

thats what people say about me

that i am an ‘old soul’

and theres some subtle truth to that

i feel like ive done a lot of this before

i need life to open up for me and show me that i havent

as cheesy as that sounds

you know its funny if you think about

how your mind works

you wake up go to school or work come home jack off take a good shit and go to sleep

and i mean does

rather is your mind capable of more than that? am i who i think i am?

this existential bullshit you know the same suicidal notions and all that

ive turned my life around to an extent

but can i go farther you know

is there more

is there more to all of it than listening to music piss drunk and breaking things or nodding out in the corner after a hit?

id like to believe there is

but i am not entirely sure

can i do more in life or is it just waiting for them to start pushing 80s on the street and me dropping out

it doesnt matter why ive decided to do this to myself all that matters is that i did and i am still

and these cravings are so fucking bad man

i can put them off but i dont know if i can stay in the one percent that dont relapse

people give me compliments but im not all that great

im going to go off the ropes again soon i can feel it

you can still visit me at rockland psych when i do though no worries

i am alive in the middle of a horror

a part of a nightmare

i have been given a good heart but ive fucked it all up

and i am slowly losing parts of my mind that may or may not have been there to begin with

the other problem is that i want everyone to be happy

my own feelings are of very small consequence

i like people

i hate people

im stuck

if anyone looks at this im sure certain out of context portions of it will fit well on your soft grunge blogs so heres some free material

i know the things i do are wrong

because there is no aspect of fairness in life

only right and wrong

and i face the ramifications of what ive done wrong

but its sort of like being punished for pulling your teeth out or something

i have no idea

i cant remember a time without this

all the shit that goes on

and it hurts you know it does

heres another funny thing to think about

there are people that are up

there are people that are down

the thing of it is why

you know i cant figure it out

i think i need to be more simplistic in my thoughts

i look too much into shit and i care too much

but ive mastered showing nothing

what else

i always find myself in relationships where i give give give

i want something back eventually you know

im not sure what i want exactly

but theres something not there that i feel should be

to be quite honest the closest ive come to even a slight bit of actual happiness as of late

has been sophie

i love sophie

but i am still sort of just here

you know just hanging on

waiting for some shit to go down and for everything to be new and old at the same time again

ive said it before

ill say it again my life is

a comedy of errors

and i am so fucking tired of unrequited love man

i almost drank myself to death over some girl

and i overdosed on ambien too

heres another one i think about often

i was at my grandparents house and they have a really steep staircase

and i was three or four and i was playing with a rubber duck toy

i went to reach for it on the bottom stair and went face first full front flip

down the stairs and

my grandfather ran in from outside, saw it happening and caught me in his arms

he saved my life if i hit the concrete in the basement i would have bashed my head open

and he and my dog i think were one in the same as odd as that may sound

in terms of soul and spirit in a being

he was a good man

upstanding hardworking family man who loved everyone and enjoyed the simple things in life

hot tea and crossword puzzles were his thing and he would ask me some of the questions and sometimes id know the answer and id be so happy

but you know i went to his wake and funeral and everything

and i remember how he would hug me and pick me up when i was little and walk with me on the beach and talk to me about life

and i remember that warmth

but that day i wanted to touch him one last time

so i touched his forehead while he was in the casket

and i felt death i knew in that moment what it felt like to be dead and gone and for it to finally be over

and all i can say is i hope to at least one person on the face of the planet ive made at least a small positive impact

i want to be a good person and i want to be there for people and its difficult

but if i could tell my grandfather one thing it would be that i loved him and that ill never forget him

i attribute his death to subconsciously influencing my habits as weak and pathetic as that is

someone that good cant go it isnt right

another great facet of life is money

everything has a price

everything

and you pay it every day every hour every second and you might not realize it

you are not private

you are not sacred

you are a dollar sign

you are more of an animal than anyone has led you to believe

the human animal

stop denying who you are and it makes things easier

a life defined by routine isnt much of anything at all

more about sleeping pills though

at a certain point they do everything but make you sleep

and this one night i was feeling really down

i dont recall how many miligrams the pills were but lets say

youre prescribed two a night as needed (which for me was every night because i was addicted)

so i had a few drinks and took maybe fifteen of them, a large handful

and i sat in my bed frozen for an hour or so

like when they try to tranquilize an animal and it wont go down

and i felt really thirsty all of a sudden

so i went downstairs to get some water and thats when i felt it for the first time

the really stiff sensation of paranoia

and that was the first time i heard sarah, thinking about it now i realize that

she knew i was thirsty and she kept calling my name and telling me to get something to drink

so i got some water and i sensed all these shadows around me and they were all moving

reacting to my presence

i havent quite decided yet if this was a full blown hallucination but

there were birds attacking me, large crows more specifically

they didnt want me to drink the water

so i came back upstairs to my room and kept sitting there

and my mother came in at seven o clock or so and asked me what was going on

i explained the whole thing and it was jumbled and disorganized and i was hallucinating and sweating and delusional

eventually i blacked out for a couple hours and woke up not really knowing what happened

that was one of my half assed edgy teenage suicide attempts

the problem of it is that i want to start over but

i either feel like i have so many times before to no avail or

maybe ive forgotten how to

a lot of what ive learned in life so far ive learned from my mistakes

mistakes teach you things thats why theyre valuable

thats the problem with parents that shelter their kids too much during their formative years

they either never make mistakes and learn nothing about life

or they make too many in a short period of time and fuck up everything

do yourself a favor

which impacts me in the sense that if we ever interact id appreciate it if you took this piece of advice

stop

fucking

apologizing

you didnt do anything you arent offending me you arent annoying you arent a burden and i like you

youre worth my time, or the borrowed time that all of us have left

you are talking to me so make the most of it

i stopped apologizing for myself a long time ago

if you dont like it walk away if you dont get it fuck you i dont need you

one thing ive seemingly come to a conclusion about is sadness

depression has turned into this angsty adolescent teenage notion of not fitting in in their little lunch groups and girls wearing the wrong kind of panties or some shit

i mean real flow blow shit with manic lows

im unipolar in the sense that im crushingly low all the time and never really get too happy

what ive found, and maybe its from years of the sadness being attached to me

that im content with it, not happy, apathetically content if that makes sense

it is here and i try my best but despite my efforts its still here

and it is entirely the only thing filling a part of me

id be half of the man i am without it i suppose is what im getting at

im high right now

and i explained to my mother today

because she knows ive been smoking weed for a while, doesnt want me to fall back into old habits etc

i said that smoking marijuana for me at this point is hardly enjoyable

i dont even like talking to people or even smoking with people unless they want to smoke me out then thats cool

but it isnt a novelty or even a pleasure anymore

its a nescessity

less than an addiction

i need it to function and put up with stupid shit every day i need to be high at least a little high while i go through it

goddamn life is some shit let me tell you

summers getting warmer

winters getting colder

a tree falls in the forest and the entire forest is gone

this is the world we live in

i dont understand what ever separated me from other people

i was a junkie they were business man

take that fucking suit off and swap a syringe with me and now

we are the fucking same

theyll bury us all in the same grave when we’re done man

it never actually ends because you dont exist

i had a thought today

my grandmother is currently living with my aunt and my two cousins

its a very long story, and in turn one that i will not entirely get into

because its a waste of our collective time

my grandmother is a miserable old woman now

her husband (my grandfather) died nearly a decade ago now and she still hasnt fully gotten over it

and i dont think she ever will

and that doesnt matter all that much to me i havent really entirely either to be completely honest with you

the thing about her is that her entire existence has become something like this, at least from my gathered perspective

sleep

wake up a lot during the night and be incredibly loud with her walker while getting food for herself in the kitchen

sleep

sleep

sleep

wake up eat

complain

make snarky comments to every family member present and even about those who arent there

shes been rude and mean to me about drugs and whatnot in the past

she loves me but she think im ‘dirty’

im one of her favorites; she chooses favorites

sleep

sleep

sleep

tv complain watch more tv complain racist comment complaint

rinse and repeat

and what the question becomes for me is

is her entire existence founded on real pain

or is she faking it? i know she does but is some of it real

i remember at her old condo in florida id sleep in a room where the connecting wall was to her bathroom

and id have to listen to my mother bathing her, completely undressing her, watching her, sponge bathing, and helping her go to the bathroom and do her hair

and

really? really now, is this what it all comes down to?

i should just keep running from myself and die young

they deserve to do to you whats been done to me

you smug naive motherfucker

you deserve every stitch of it you get

i hope it wakes you up in the middle of the night all alone and you shake and vomit and sob and sweat like i did

i wish i could make you feel it

you should be made to feel it

i am weaker than you

but i am smarter than you

you fucking bastard

one other brief thought before i go out for the night

two actually

i feel awful stealing money from my parents for drugs

and

a lot of people asked me at first why i would give sarah a name

that i would thereby be embracing something i should try to forget

but by embracing it and allowing her to talk to me

maybe she will go away

thats what im doing it for

making it more of a reality is frightening but i feel as though i have to

couple things

i talked to my shrink today and

told him about paranoia, the voices all that

so i might be on a very low dose of an anti psychotic

enough about that shit

i went to get a hair cut today and i

 dont understand the people there

i think its a part of my paranoia and social phobia generally

i was never even awkward socially (and i fucking dislike the word awkward)

i certainly had my moments but for the most part i was either there or i wasnt, in a social sense

in my mind it used to be a fear of society generally, now its something else entirely

when i see these little girls with their hairdryers and their red hair and pounds of makeup and sleeves of tattoos drinking mimosas while cutting peoples hair (which i think is illegal)

its sort of

i mean

how seperate am i from these people?

because i strive hard to not be that kind of person but did i miss something along the way?

i cant decide yet

wow right now a lot of things are happening

or have happened

the tense doesnt really matter

im high and i took a lot of xanax

well today i told my mom about that one time i tried to kill myself with

sleeping pills and she never understood how bad it had gotten

i dont want to talk about it right now i will later shes upset right now

well i went to a diner today and the waitress was talking to my mother and i about school

and i thought it was really charming and nice and i felt special? i dont know

but she was going on and on about her daughter and something about her living in a bad part of newark (all of newark is pretty dirty)

the way she set the whole thing about was ultimately completely and entirely racist

but subtly so, i mean my mother and i both took the hint

but as we got up to go i realized that she was delivering food to one of the tables

near us and she started rambling off the exact same story

and i thought about it and in the end her talking about her hard times and daughter and all the rest would get her a twenty percent tip

this is what i was talking about before

people arent bad but theyre cheap

my skin is crawling right now and

my hands are shaking a little

but i can still smoke a cigarette

its the stiff crawling paranoia and it wont go away

sarahs here

sarahs gone today now i am stoned

they are upping my zoloft and i am starting an anti psychotic soon

this could help

i want something sometimes

and i want it to be here

i need it to

i cannot describe

sometimes i just smoke a lot of weed and think about nothing at all

well goddamn

what i am really compelled to do is start popping pills again

but two things become an issue

availability without prescription and interaction with my other meds

they keep me warm inside ive always loved percocet

itchy and warm but mostly warm and relaxing

nice headrush

so theres a problem

what else for right now

nothing i dont think

oh yeah some of my friends in real life dont know the extent of how it gets mentally for me sometimes

they have only seen maybe half of what it is

today has been obnoxious

these cravings just its

in my fucking head i know it is thats the only thing keeping me sane or grounded in any sense

if i lost a hold of the fact that its in my head im going to fucking lose it im that close

christ it hurts man

i mean back when i was using keep in mind that i used to a point of full social function

i handled my highs as i had to where i needed to and i somehow turned out this way

i dont know how i did it really

but that giving in aspect of it

just letting it go and letting that  shit just consume your existence

i think thats a much easier route than trying to maintain some level of social interraction

thats not to suggest that thats the case with homeless people or users out there chose an easier route at all

i cant stress that enough

sarah hasnt talk to me today

i havent been this alone in a while

not lonely

just alone

and im not so sure that i mind whether or not it shows anymore

but am i alone in here

i want to shed my corporeal form

shed the platonic shell

and do something

oh wow im very sad

very very sad

the kind of sad that

makes your stomach turn and you wish you were less of something

i cant

i can feel it slipping away

part of me is dying

maybe it was already dead

but i think it wanted me to move on

i came home and cried today

because i cant do this anymore

i dont even want to die

actually thats the problem

if i wanted to die i wouldnt be typing this to you now

id do it right this time

theres the issue

i want to pursue life but what do i want to pursue

i watched these old videos from high school today

and it made me realize how much i fucking resent all those people

or most of them

useless fucking parasites

wasting my air

get the fuck out of my way you inferior pricks

are you that hopelessly misguided by your inflated sense of worth

you are nothing

nothing

nothing

fucking nothing

you dont matter

if you died

right now

i would throw your worthless ashes into the fucking dumpster you pathetic half assed fratboy

every cigarette i smoke every brain cell i lose and every vein thats closed in my arm is a subtle reminder to me that i wont walk among the planet youve polluted with your existence much longer


you are less than an animal

some people deserve to suffer

i dont have much to say today

i feel really sad

just very very sad because

the medication makes you feel this sort of

feigned happiness

a thin layer of material that if removed would bring me right back to where i started

and thats where im at for now

i havent caught a voice in a week or so now but

ive noticed music is starting to sound different to me

little sounds and syncopations here and there scared me

its very odd

i keep having these very bizarre half asleep hallucinatory dream type stuff

very very odd shit

im afraid i cant talk right now but how are you

hi

last night i saw a bunch of deer on the side of the freeway

and i noticed that when the headlights were flashed on the car they would

look up and not move for a few seconds

but they get this certain gleam in their eyes

is that an adaptation

an adaptation passed down through deer because they dont like cars

thats pretty funny to think about but in an awful way

well shit what else

ive had suicidal ideations all day

and its fucking depressing

i really dont want shit to go back to the way if it was

i was afraid to go out of the  house at a certain point and god that was terrible

i feel ambivalent about everything and i have no idea

i do not intend to be funny here so if you are looking at it for that reason dont

im not going to do it but i really want to

fuck you

i cant do it too much longer

the road that i walk on is wearing out and i cant do much to stop it

of course because this is how most of my life works

i could so easily let go of all of it and i really couldnt tell you why i feel

like staying but i do i have to i owe it to a few people to stick around

otherwise no one would give a shit

id return to the earth and fertilize the graveyard with my flesh and let the maggots teear into my fucking worthless skull

i mean nothing anymore i mean nothing i am nothing i was never here to begin with

let it be known that time is not your friend

let it be known that i am running out of it

and the road that i walk on will collapse underneath me again

and ill be right back where i started

return to dust

i might be made of star parts

but if my insides are stars i am going to fucking implode soon

no beauty no feeling

total and complete catatonia

the stars in my stomach will produce rays that compete with the sun

light beams

hyperviolet

names dont dance in the wind for me anymore

and i am the king of nothing

im fake

im a thorn

alcohol heroin cocaine marijuana nicotine uppers downers laughers screamers

all of it has formed a shell

and its cracking to pieces inside of me

put a plastic bag over my head and end it

parade me about and promote me as this martyr of a dead cause

let the last tendrils of whatever conscience and perception fade

slowly

let it burn but dont make it too long

i need to feel it

ill cut myself on pieces of you until you put yourself together

but im an error all my own

a cosmic entity a thinking being and maybe even a semi rational one

but just say yes and make it easier

its never fucking easy

i told you its a process

i survive between my ups and downs but ive learned to do that throughout my existence

what im getting at here in a metaphorical sense is

if youre going to pluck fruit from a tree

dont disregard the seed

yea i know lifes hard regardless

i really couldnt tell you why im here

ive tried to do myself in so many times

and it hasnt worked

settling for the mediocrity means nothing to me anymore

none of it

even the subtle euphoria of substance does nothing for me anymore
waste me through your needle until i nod

spare me your fear

because ive seen it all or most of it in and out and around it out of it inside of it

if my body is a temple its a really shitty one

she hung herself from the highest branch so only i could see and

i stood tall in terror and paranoia and fear

ive had enough to force three quarters of it out of my mind

the twenty five percent that remains is me

i havent kicked it yet

still here but not fighting just smoldering

the first flower that grew in the dirt that spring i tore from the ground and ripped it to pieces

i submitted it for everyone

and if you want me to run it had better be away from something greater than myself

if not i have no reason to run

a very potent gastropod

with limbs attached

and a golden eyeball

and a set of teeth that offered him phantom tooth syndrome

crucified in lavender and gold

if you are an american you better learn how to shop

shopping is important and will allow you time to acquire all of your most necessary accessories

as an american you ought to be a good shopper

because as i submit this text to you i am currently shopping

always shopping i am always shopping for something

cannot window shop

nope cannot do it

must consume for i am american

i am the always open mouth

the other part of it is that we are a creature

animal

we are all

you can draw the water from a puddle or a golden chalice

either way it can get hot in a spoon

everyone wanted me to believe that something else was going on

i knew that it was going to be this way

i have spent most of my life wasting my time

but i will be fine

can you love me for what i think i am

because i cannot pin it down yet i am not sure about much anymore

but i do know enough to say that
i saw a ladybug today and i am really slowly killing myself

i am not afraid

ill face every part of it alone

as i have and will undoubtedly do again

they can tell you things and facilitate you feeling a certain way

but they cannot take away memories

they cannot make you forget what it felt like before

and it makes the juxtaposition between that and how all of us feel now to make us realize that nothing happened in the first place

if you give me permission to crawl inside of you i will

but i need to know your intent

action without intent is meaningless

do not read this

you do not want to read this

im thinking of going back again

i hit rock bottom several times now and

its gone up and down up and down up and down and now i find myself stuck somewhere in the middle of two extremes

a very painful and harsh junction that ive no doubt once again arrived at somehow

i do not care how

it just matters that i recognize that im here

i keep putting cigarettes out on my forearms

i stopped self harming a while ago but im burning myself here

when i think about it if i wanted badly enough i could entirely take my life very easily

i do not fully feel as if i need to right now but

if i want to die i know the right people to call

i have sores on my forearms

i brush my teeth every fucking day

but i can never get the taste of it away

and it may be presumptuous of me to say

that i have not in course deceived myself

if youve given me the honor of judging you

know that i did it carefully

but know that i will throw myself away

i am not beautiful

i am not an idea

i am not innate

i am vapid

indubitably so

this is my damnation

and i only regret being born

so let me sacrifice you

but give me the wood back after i nail you to the fucking cross

i need it to set myself on fire

this always cuts both ways

the blade is always double edged

i read some of your words

the ones you wrote about me the ones you wrote for me

the letters you wanted to send me and your artwork and pictures of your face

and i cried for an hour

and youre beautiful and warm and im ugly and cold

i think that no matter how hard i try to get you out of my head

and i dont want to

but it has to be this way

and how we knew there was something there

but your heart and your blood

and your bones are sweet

mine are sour

i have aged improperly

i am so sorry

i do not say things i do not intend to say

i

am

so

fucking

sorry

i want to be in a circus

the main attraction

poke me and prod me

make me bleed

let it burn

a captive audience bearing witness to my final moments on earth

when they bury me they better dig a deep hole

who am i

to do anything to anyone

what position am i in

what is my purpose

i have lost my center again and i am orbiting away

away from the image i created and the footprints i left

alcohol is a wonderful thing

anything to keep me down

i will not drink anymore though

its been about 3 or 4 months since i quit drinking

i cried a lot today

i have been very sad today

i do not like myself for now

all of these fucking dreams ive been having are useless

they prove to me only that subconsciously i feel too weak to help other people as much as they help me

and that realization of weakness or rather admitting that i am weak although i try to deny it is the most terrible part of all of it

i do not believe in wishes but if i could have one wish i cannot say that id know how to use it properly

see i am not worth a wish

hardly even worth a thought

it hurts badly

it cuts deep

it twists

it separates

pain

and

you

and in the end that may in fact be all that is left but i am not sure

we feel it differently

but after all it is the same and it always was to begin with

i forget when that was

your glow

is something i forgot

completely and entirely forgotten

gone forever or at least for a very long amount of time

you understand fully that it may not ever go away

you understand fully that this may be the way you live your life forever

you understand fully that it is not something you want to do

you understand fully that you are killing yourself

unwillingly yes

but

im not the only one

there used to be a crawlspace for my

head and my heart and my ears my entire face if i wanted

but its full of rats now

and i cant sit in this fucking tear gas anymore

she hung herself

from the highest tree

in the woods

across from my house

they thought the vultures got her

but i knew

even every single ever loving almighty god is still a master

and he controls you and me and everything

your concept of freedom is that within constraint

that constraint being that you are held backwards

instead of going any way you want to

all any type of god does is constrain you really

the god wants you to act in his way

i masturbated to pictures of you at the birthday party
christ it hurts

i drove out to your house with an open bottle of jim beam in the car

and i took three jars full of gasoline out of my trunk

doused your house and lit it on fire and watched the red and orange mix

and i put a cigarette out on my arm because i thought i would never do this again

i fell asleep among the tall weeds

so nobody could see me and i

awoke in three different colors

all three being primary

and i listened to the end of a hank williams greatest hits record while i drank myself to sleep in my car

i thought for a few days, the days being several and almost a week

that i would miss you

that it was over

that you are over and i always have been over

but walking through this desert has made me realize one and one thing only

i am out of water

and less but still equally importantly i am out of time or losing time or maybe

existing somewhere else that is indubitably not here

no longer here

by the time you got home i was too fucked up to notice your headlights in the driveway

and i took the gun out of my mouth and kissed you with the same mouth that held the weapon

i am a weapon

i was a weapon inside of you

and we fucked and cried for three hours

you sucked my cock and asked me to stay as i opened the blinds

i finished and told you i had to go but did not want to

and in that one precious moment i hated myself more than i ever have before

it took so long for me to fucking figure out what i wanted

and it took even more time for me to not pussy out of making the decision

i seek so much approval from others sometimes its fucking disgusting

i am a deeply sad individual

but i am an okay chit chatter

i can chit and chat bullshit for an entire month of sundays until you feel better

i can never put you out

an inexplicable permanent piece of my brain, you are

you can walk or run away

your choice, i know

you are bad at making choices, choices dictate a lot of life so they can be frightening

the prospect of making a mistake holds you back

but without mistakes

you will never learn

and

your

body

will

be

wasted

vacant empty vapid

a mechanism void of substance and soul, impervious and unchanged by any conceivable feeling of expression of outward emotion

i guess it does not matter that i bought these roses for you

because of the car crash

they buried you in rose petals and crucified you in lavender and gold

i saw it today i witnessed it and

similar to you i was unchanged, unmoved

unsettled, uncomfortable, anxious

and i could no longer control it

i feel as if

i am the sun of my own universe

and one day i will burst into an almost unfathomably incessant amount of stars

so much so that you might get annoyed or uncomfortable

and ask me to stop blowing smoke in your face while we kissed around the firepit in my backyard

i still remember and hold on to small memories and i need

to stop that it has not proven itself significant thus far

you are farther and deeper into it than you think you are

you do not have to give it a second thought or reconsider it

take my word

i do not want to be near you or associated with you

ever again

ever again

never again

i do not know what to make of my current situation?

sometimes i am just a little bit too unsure of where i am

opened the door to her house

and the flood hit me

and i vomited and ejaculated

and it was beautiful and terrible at the same time

i am glad there was not an audience because at that point

they would have had not known how to properly feel

the question still remains

where did your love capacity go

where is it?

are you sure it still belongs to you?

your knives are too dull to hurt me

would it matter if i was king

king of any one thing in particular

i do not think it would

there is a big difference between

a lot of things here but

the one you need to keep in mind is that of syntax versus semantics

my bones are dry enough to kindle a fire

and i do not believe that in this moment

my blood would be thick enough to douse it

i would burn alive

the smell of burning flesh tends to come and go, she said

so bury me in gold with your mother’s necklace and your grandfather’s cane

i might be reminded of you upon death

the notion terrifies me

more than death itself

the entire summer was dry

and the asphalt was black and we took your magnifying glass outside

and we burnt grasshoppers in half with sun rays

on the hottest days

and

you would take me back to your room and tell me

that you loved me and

i had entirely formed the delusion that i was the grasshopper

no purpose no reason

burned in two and forgotten

that is how i felt

when i did not know how to feel

my skin is more of a vessel that captures steam

rather than that of an actual human being

count down the days until i evaporate

and you fucking loved me

and i tried

believe me i did or do not believe me it is of no consequence

do as you feel but

always remember that