FALL 2013 Hellerious Biographies
C Period Satire
Rives Fleming
Whenever Rives walks into a room, people groan and prepare themselves for his constant lack of chatter. Often, he “flies under the radar” simply because he is so small people cannot see him. His quiet, shy nature drives even the most tolerant of people away. His knowledge of medications designed for fifty year old men is alarming, due to his watching of the PGA Tour, also known and marketed as “a better solution than whale noises for insomnia!” People often compare him to the “Most Interesting Man in the World”, but only on opposite day. Rives loves going to the beach. Rives is scared of water and sand. Rives’ name translates to Banks in French; however, Rives doesn’t trust banks. Being the outgoing person he is, Rives despises telling people about himself.
Alexander Byrd
Alexander Byrd seemed to stand out at Collegiate due to his stereotypical Collegiate appearance and demeanor. His looks were only matched by his attitude. Both were horrible. Being born on February 29th, he only had a birthday every four years. T’was a shame because he could be a great man if he could possibly manage to live through his 20’s. His list of achievements was extensive, including, but not limited to “2012-2013 Fantasy Football Champion” of the 2012-2013 Reality Football team at Collegiate. There are no other accomplishments on the list. Like his great hero and role model Barry Bonds, there is an asterisk next to his only triumph. He cheated his way to victory, but who could blame a four-year old.
His honesty was well known by all. According to himself, he was a man of no flaws, except possibly his modesty. His salacious, gregarious, lewd, gumptious intelligence was displayed by his vocabulary. He enjoyed class participation, especially when he did not have to participate.
Hart Johnson
Hart Johnson has the innate social eloquence that makes women flee from him in terror. The grace that runs in his family is evidenced by his numerous scars. His dedication to doing well in school is outweighed only by his addiction to Youtube. He has many friends, all of whom have eventually come to hate him. He always dresses for the occasion, just not necessarily the one he attends. He is a Jack of all trades who could not change a tire. Hart enjoys team sports, which he shows by not engaging in any. He is an avid political observer set in his ways with a passion for debating. He has changed more of his own opinions than pairs of socks. His love of driving is clearly evident. Hart never drives. He has perspective beyond his years, even though his mind is more twisted than earphones that have been in your gym bag for a week. His sense of humor makes people howl with laughter and then promptly hang themselves. It is darker and more mysterious than a public toilet. Hart rolls through campus in a posse, or he would if anyone enjoyed his company.
Tia Kelley
Tia Kelley is the most talkative person you'll never meet. She speaks frequently in class and is always encouraged by her teachers to participate more. She has been known to drive one of the nicest cars in school that no one has ever seen. Tia is the tallest five foot person you'll ever meet. Her outstanding stature never fails to make those around her feel overwhelmingly superior. Her ability to make others laugh is shadowed only by the fact that she is not funny. Tia loves to have people around her except when people are actually there. She may be one of the whitest black girls you'll ever know. She frequently sports her Vera Bradley and Lily Pulitzer. Tia is never not ashamed that she listens to Taylor Swift, but not really. Her mother once thought that she had byslexia dut she boesn't delieve that. Her hobbies include enjoying the silence of her own home but only when her dog doesn't stop barking. Tia is the most interesting and intriguing person to talk to who has been known to frequently put people to sleep.
Anne Morgan Hunter
Anne Morgan Hunter is one of the meanest girls you will ever meet. She is so mean that on the weekends she volunteers at the SPCA, even though she hates animals. She hates animals so much that she takes in stray dogs as her own. One of her favorite activities is visiting and volunteering at her grandmother’s nursing home, where she often hides residents’ wheelchairs and walkers from them. She recently received the award for Volunteer of the Month at the nursing home. She is even so mean that every year since 5th grade she has won Halo Hirl. Anne Morgan has so many friends but does nothing on the weekends because her friends hate her because she is so nice. On the weekends she is always out doing things with her friends. Anne Morgan loves to stay in on her free nights reading a book even though she hates to read. You can often find her in the library searching for new novels. Her newest project with which she is involved, is raising money for hurricane victims. She hopes to raise enough money to buy a new outfit to wear out with her friends. Anne Morgan Hunter is truly one of the nicest girls you will ever meet.
Rachel Lancaster
Rachel Lancaster was the baby of her family and the only girl. She idolized her two older brothers as they stepped across the stage at Godwin's graduation proudly wearing red and white. She could not wait to follow exactly in their footsteps. Because of this, she had no other choice but to head to Collegiate. Rachel is one of the best athletes you will ever meet. Her hard work ethic never fails to lead her to complain the entire practice. Whether it is at tennis or track, she is always focused in order to complete the entire workout, never letting down her guard for a way to take a break. This incredible gift of steller athletics leads to her being the last on the ladder on the Collegiate tennis team. She excels at hurdles and is proud of her natural talent to hit one at least once a race. As a calm and collected person, Rachel tends to become frantic and nervous daily. As a wonderful public speaker, she stutters at least once during her presentations. When around adults or people she doesn't know well her social skills are impeccable. No one ever notices how high her voice becomes from the nerves. Her keen and acute sense of humor ensures she will never understand the joke. Her sense of direction is unmatched as Rachel can get herself easily lost in her own neighborhood. She is one of most independent people, and constantly needs reassurance to whether she is doing the correct thing. So I hope this is okay. I think it is good but if you think it’s bad I agree.
Peter Mahoney
Peter is the most brilliant, dim-witted student in the grade. Some know him as a shy and reserved person, others think he is too outgoing and awkward. He doesn’t play sports often, but when he does, he learns never to try them again. His actions and features repulse the female gender. He is a ladies’ man. He scoffs at those who attend religious services, yet when in peril, he prays more than a monk. One of his most impressive skills is procrastination, but he puts off practicing it until the last minute. He eyes the world as a beautiful face, and he as an oozing pimple on its surface. He stays very fit and skinny, yet he tries to gain weight at every meal. Peter’s dream is to work on a submarine. It’s too bad that he is claustrophobic. He is funny to those who haven’t killed themselves over his repetitive humor. The friends that he has settle for him, yet he feels he stoops down to their level. Because he spends most of his time regretting decisions already made, he doesn’t have time to make good decisions when choices confront him.
Jack Maraghy
Jack Maraghy lives a life of astounding mediocrity. His 5’10”, Caucasian, brown-haired existence will go down in no history books as the model for average. A raving atheist, Jack attends church every Sunday. He enjoys belittling the other church regulars for believing in God. Little does he know all the regulars at the services were also atheists who came to belittle everyone else. Real Christians are far too busy for church. Jack was proposed to once, but as it turns out it was just a mispronunciation of his last name. He fears he may never find love again. Don’t be fooled though, Jack Maraghy has a wild social life. Some nights he almost texts a girl, and other nights he thinks about almost texting a girl. He is also notoriously flaky. His flakyness is only outshined by his dependability to flake out on you. His flake status even extended to his words, he is known to stop talking in mid-
Jackson Negus
Jackson Negus is a morning person. In fact, he sets his alarm ten minutes earlier each day just to have one more opportunity to hit that beloved snooze button; he relishes the feeling of postponing each horrible morning for another ten minutes. His favorite part of the day is trying to prevent it from ever happening. He spends all day exhausted because he stays up all night excitedly waiting for morning so he can stay in bed as long as possible.
Also, Jackson is a man of many challenges. He challenges himself to see just how long he can put off a creative writing assignment and challenges himself to give as little effort as possible in the weightroom, just as he challenges himself to snooze for as long as possible each and every morning. And it is in trials like these that he excels, because why else, then, would he continue to challenge himself with them? What good is a challenge that requires hard work? Jackson is only ever diligent when it comes to being lazy.
Annie Morgan
Annie Morgan is known for her outstanding grace and perpetuating coordination. It shines through her tall exterior each time she cascades flawlessly down the hardwood staircase, or stealthily rolls to the floor, abruptly yet smoothly resting her head on the concrete surface. Her exuberantly boring personality coincides with her enthusiastically lethargic manner. When meeting her for the first time you are flabbergasted by her series of wittily humorous side notes throughout a typical day. Annie’s elaborately comical sense of humor more often than not leaves all those around her with blank faces of astonishment almost as though their bodies are accumulating so much infectiously building laughter that not even the mildest of giggles can escape their wide mouths; but in turn, embodying the sharing and caring Collegiate community, they generously end up transferring their overwhelming spurts of energy and laughter all to Annie who in turn takes on the challenging task of letting it all out for everyone in a concentrated euphorically chuckling manner. By around 3:20 she is amazed at the countless amount of people she has managed to scare off purely due to her intimidating ability to incorporate humor in any circumstance. However, it is her fantastically, incoherently dynamic stories that leave everyone begging for more. They applaud her in disgust, seemingly admiring the stellar way in which she exquisitely leaves out significant parts of her stories, almost as though she’s playing a guessing game. It leaves people in the back of their seats, reclining pensively in pure irkfull amazement. It even perplexes her that her peers will reply post story everytime without fail, the famous words “Good story!” in an enthusiastically playful way that then creates a contagious giggle train throughout the room as if everyone is in agreement with the generous complement.
While she is the perfect company to be away from just to get a good laugh, she’s also the handiest navigator in the vicinity of her bedroom. She was once asked to place herself in a vehicle with the most intricately juvenile list of directions to prove her developed skill. To any bystander’s amazement, she reached her destination so efficiently that she got out of the car and had less than four hints of no clue in the city as to where she might not be. Dumbfounded, she patted herself on the shin and kept on dancing.
Camille Boler
Camille Boler will be the dumbest smart girl to graduate from Collegiate. She’s never late for school, but she loves gossiping with her BFF, Julie Miller, at 8:12 every morning. When Camille isn’t busy with all her college applications, homework, standardized tests, and chores, she plays basketball. Because of her prowess on the court, consistent average of 0 points per game and ability to never talk to her teammates, she was named captain, awarded the team award, and Most Valuable Player. When she’s tired she generally likes to run marathons. People refer to Camille as the most reliable person they know since she never does her part in group projects and always makes sure to pay people back. On her college applications, she writes her best characteristic to be her humble attitude. Every day she writes songs about herself, sings the songs about herself, and never stops talking about herself. Oh yeah, she also hates bowling and shes real good at speling and grammer.
Caroline Pollard
Caroline Pollard’s winning smile blinds people when rays of sunshine reflect off of her braces. Her amazing fonetic capabilities allowed her to win the spelling bee two years in a row. Her dedication to swimming is only surpassed by her frequent attempts to avoid swim practice. She awaits the day that she comes eye to eye with a shark so that she can put all of her hard work to use and swim the hell away from that thing. But, let’s be real, shark attacks are less frequent than being struck by lightning, so why the hell does she swim? She doesn’t know. The only explanation for her ability to make that decision is supported by her indecisiveness. This also explains why she loves, I mean hates, reading. Especially fiction, I mean nonfiction. She tries to forget about her hatred of hypothetical situations by trying to imagine a world without hypothetical situations. When she found out that she was voted to be most successful, she had just woken up from her daily nap during physics class. She then celebrated this award with a fiesta-siesta during her next class. Caroline is the sweetest girl--so sweet that she attracts flies. Also, her vocabulary is very expensive. It’s so big that she drowns in it. So much for her swimming career.
Clara Davis
Clara Davis lives is a virtuous life, guided by unflinching principles that lead her to always take the most righteous course of action no matter what the cost. She is bravely willing to confront her enemies when she comes across them, and her favorite mode of confrontation is to never come across any in the first place. When she spots one of these loathed rivals approaching her, she often will boldly and defiantly run as far as possible in the opposite direction. Clara is a pious, devout, reverential Christian who attends mass dutifully on some Sundays. The rest of the year she is a rational clear-thinker, except when on planes, trains, trucks, roller coasters, vehicles in general, before taking and receiving tests, prior to, during, and after any routine or nonroutine medical procedure, while running, when passing a cemetery, if reading/viewing something emotionally engaging, or during thousands of other everyday occurrences. Clara is an avid distance runner who, like all distance runners, passionately works towards a goal. Her goal is to put the least amount of effort possible into distance running. During practice, she often smirks at the non-distance runners she passes with an air of maddening superiority, or at least until the pain screaming from every particle in her body forbids her from smirking. In her first weight room, she astounded Coach Moss, who told her to “not use any heavy weights, until you get the hang of Collegiate performance training”. She continues to astound Coach Moss to this day, three years from that first meeting. The happiest day of Clara’s life was the day that she passed her driving test with Mrs. Burwell, because it meant that she would never have to get in a car again. However, she eventually did get in a car again, and enjoyed the exhilarating rush of freedom and liberty felt by teenagers everywhere who finally are able to understand the majestic salvation of paying for gas, risking their lives on the highway, and watching their insurance gradually rise. Yes, Clara Davis is indeed a person of principle, and the most important principle that she abided by was that one must always finish what one sta-
Allie Diemer
Allie Diemer is the biggest bada** you will ever meet. She loves taking risks, which is why she frequently drives a whole two miles over the speed limit. She loves senior speeches and performances, but only when she is seated safely in the audience. Her love of learning is evident daily, when she chooses to do everything BUT homework until 11. She hopes her 4.0 personality will get her into Harvard with ease. Her favorite thing to do is eat, but her biggest fear is getting fat. Her spelling skills are immakulate which is why she couldn't spell stewped until the tenth grade. She is totally calm, cool, and collected for a strong 10 minutes of the day. She feels totally comfortable home alone, which is why she keeps the camera of her laptop covered up with a blue sticky note.
Katie Berdichevsky
Katie is the smartest nerd whose grades no one is jealous of. Katie’s outstanding, hard-working attitude complements her laziness and highlights her inability to do everything besides nothing. Every night, her tireless internet browsing leaves her too exhausted to do homework, so she goes on Youtube instead. When the procrastination becomes tedious, Katie likes to give up and go to bed. She loves doing homework even more than she hates sleep. Katie loves to sleep. Katie sleeps so much that she has become tired of it, and is currently boycotting the senseless activity.
Katie’s social incompetence is the key to her being so popular. When Katie walks into a room, everyone swarms around her, only to find that she has quietly escaped to the corner desk in the back of the room. In a school where fighting virtually doesn’t exist, students claw each other’s eyes out to snatch the seat next to Katie. Then, she moves. People like to argue with Katie, because they tend win. Katie is always right. Don’t argue with her logic.
Michael Richmond
Michael Richmond, the most obnoxiously quiet kid in the school, is all about saving the environment. He has invested a lot of money into making his truck the most fuel efficient vehicle in Virginia. No one knows which truck is his and no one knows who he is. He competes in racing motocross every weekend which is not classified as a sport. A real sport, such as soccer, is way more life threatening than any other sport. Michael’s family has the best reputation of being talented in the comedy category. He is also known to be best in Mr. Svab’s English classes. He interacts more than anyone and always has something to say about the books the class is reading. He hates camouflage and loud cars, so if everyone could make their cars more environmentally friendly, it would greatly be appreciated.
Daniel Hamner
Daniel Hamner was the most outgoing extrovert, who avoided human contact at all times. No one could look at him, either because he is blindingly handsome or because he was blindingly pale, and he always wore a shirt because he had the most stunning six pack known to man. He was a fantastic student who had to repeat his French class. He despised physics with every fiber of his being, yet he voluntarily took several physics classes. He is a sailor and a fisherman who hated being anywhere near the water. He was an atheist who believes in the Christian God. He was the most American man there was who loved communism and hated apple pie. He loved camouflage, which he believes explains his lack of a social life, friends and the fact that he was ever invited anywhere, since how could people see him in camouflage?
Matt Glover
A shining light blessed the earth on his birth, yet somehow everything seemed to get a little darker. If Brad Pitt and Channing Tatum had a baby that would be awesome, he was a nasty looking thing. As a child, Matt Glover, had many friends. Just because no one else could see them doesn’t mean they didn’t exist to him. He was always a beefy, bulging, bovine roly poly who lacked athletic ability, as well as intelligence. He loved to talk to people, but no one liked to listen. When he walked into a room, everyone seemed to be on their way out. Matt Glover was credited with being tallest midget, one of the many accomplishments that he never achieved. Being amazingly mediocre, Matt didn’t really do anything with his life, except steal oxygen from people who actually did something. Now Matt Glover can be described as a fun-sized, metal-mouthed, voice-cracking kid, who yes, in fact has graduated middle school.
D Period
Jordan Max Joseph
Jordan Joseph from birth was a peculiarly good-looking child. If there were anything interesting to stare at he was great at looking at it. He hated reading. Indeed, one day his loathing for books surpassed all else and he choose to rebel against literature by reading an entire book in five hours. He hated literature so much that he read fantasy as others read the Bible, little or not at all. Jordan was unusually short and from age six was the best at reaching high objects because of his exceedingly long legs and arms. If anyone ever wanted to learn what would happen if Leonardo DiCaprio and James Franco adopted a child they would look at Jordan and find out. Jordan considered himself terrible at school, which is why he opted to enroll in the easiest classes of all. Honors and AP ones, that is.
Jordan has enjoyed consuming corn syrup since a young age. In fact, for his third birthday he decided to eat as much cake and ice cream as his miniscule little body could hold and promptly went to the ER after a severe allergy attack. He was so elated about venturing to the hospital that he decided to spend a night there floating in and out of consciousness Afterwards the doctors informed him what no one could guess, that he had very mild allergies. Since he was a boy Jordan was absolutely disgusted with politics and government, so disgusted that he recently interned at the Terry McAuliffe for Governor campaign. Jordan is such an uncelebrated rapper that one time while on an airplane he was asked if he was performing for a Vitamin Water commercial. Jordan is the least intelligent person you will never meet, because of this he chooses to seclude himself in a school with other genius savants.
Cindy Spratley
Let’s just say you don’t want to get on her bad side. When passing Cindy in the hall, make sure to not make any eye contact or who knows what she’ll do! Around school she’s basically known as the hardcore bully. She tends to express emotions of toughness and grit, in her outfits as she struts through school in her dresses and hair bows. One time she high-fived her teammate so hard they laughed at her effort. She gets her intimidating arm strength from the impressive 2.5 pound weights she uses in Cross Country weight room. In her free time she enjoys choosing her next target to tease and attack with words of encouragement and conversation starters. If Osama Bin Laden and Cruella De Ville had a love child it would be Cindy. She is as monstrous and ferocious as the Cookie Monster. Cindy is such a rebel that she wrote a novel called “Life on the Edge” explaining the Y.O.L.O. moment she had where she rolled down her car window and stuck her hand out. Cindy is acutally a fantastick spellur! She even got out on the first round of the spelling bee because it wasn't fair to the other students who didn't stand a chance against her. On the weekends she gets her party life on as she and her friends go to Jumpology and then hit the movie theater to see Despicable Me 2. To get Cindy to like you, you have to follow the complex rules of being yourself.
Jaclyn Raper
Jaclyn is one of the loudest, most outspoken introverts you will ever talk to. She is often caught screaming down the halls to perfect strangers and teachers have to beg her not to speak in class. Her participation grades are always so stupendous that they often drop her and entire percentage point. Contrary to her extremely artistic sister and father, Jaclyn has the artistic ability of a four-year old, often unable to even color in between the lines. Jaclyn’s desire to learn more math and science and her A+ average in the those classes makes her grandfather, the rocket scientist, very proud.
Jaclyn has known what she has wanted to be since she was five years old, and all her closest friends could tell you word for word what the rest of her life is going to be like. Jaclyn is an active feminist who desires for women to progress in the workplace, yet she still feels as though her niche is the kitchen. She strives to go to one of the top southern schools, but not to become a PhD in biochemical engineering, but to find a beautiful, intellectual, lacrosse playing prep boy. Jaclyn’s friends often refer to her as a bohemian hipster, as she struts around with her personally monogrammed rain boots and customized Frat Collection T-Shirts from the lair for hipster items - Tweed.
Anne Marie Dickinson:
Anne Marie Dickinson is an extremely social, gregarious, extraverted person who hates all people. She celebrates the rare times in which she can sit alone during class and can go days without talking to people. Her outfits are known throughout school to be consistently stunning. She is Collegiate’s trend setter. In fact, if Anne Marie is ever holding a cup with no lid, people often throw spare change in it as if to say: “Wow, you’re outfit is truly beautiful.” Anne Marie will most likely get best dressed in the upcoming yearbook. That, or hobo of the year. Her radiant green eyes make her look possessed at any given moment, which unfortunately cause unannounced exorcisms. Her intelligence is so impressive that even her science teacher has strongly encouraged her to get a math tutor. Her vocabulary is so extensive that she can amaze any six year-old with her vernacular . Anne Marie’s non-judgemental personality is seen daily through her never-ending glares and up-downs.
Connor Jones
Connor Jones was so lazy he had to work hard to maintain that level of laziness. He enjoyed reading the AP US History textbook so much it bored him to tears. His hatred for the game of golf kept driving him back to the course day after day. Connor’s adulation for healthy food made him crave a McDonald’s Big Mac for dinner every night. He found nothing more exhilarating than taking a bath in the shower. Doing a fantastic job on his homework was always Connor’s first priority, only second to watching that night’s football game on TV. Connor’s athleticism shined through every year during fantasy football season. Though he struggled playing actual football, nobody could log onto the internet and set a weekly lineup better than he could. Connor hated the attitude of those “rich, country club people”, but found himself at Hermitage Country Club enjoying their company at least a couple of times a week. Next year he could lead his grade in community service hours, if everyone else completes zero. Connor loves the plethora of little blue whales on the sides of people’s shorts so much that the only type of shorts he owns are khakis.
Kristie Turkal
Kristie wakes up every morning from a gloriously perfect slumber, exhausted, and to her delight discovers twenty dollars just waiting by her bed. Whenever she reaches into her pocket, she surprisingly retrieves her favorite piece of candy. Which is always putridly disgusting, so she never eats it. It’s common knowledge that when Kristie walks across a field of grass, four-leaf clovers spring up from her trodden path, but that is only when she walks across grass. Kristie has never lost a bet in her life, and she is willing to bet anyone on it. She is always at the right place at the right time. Whether it be a surprise giveaway, a concert, a sale, a robbery, or a murder, she is found wherever there is a window of opportunity. When she walks down the hallway people are constantly giving her thumbs-ups, but she never responds because she thinks they’re just pointing at the ceiling. Everyone adores her because she is always making funny remarks like “Enough about the ceiling!” and “Yes, I’ve seen it too!” They all think she is impersonating someone and clap, but everyone is afraid to ask who. Kristie is persistently given prestigious awards for doing absolutely nothing at all, and she wins the lottery at least twice a week. Needless to say, she was given more than her fair share of luck, which is why it’s such a shame that she is such an unfortunate person.
Kelsey Mathern
Kelsey’s positive attributes were numerous, yet few and far between. You could hear her coming from three miles away with her excellent alarm system of patent leather heels and inappropriately timed exclamations and laughter. Most would run for cover, but the brave don’t realize the train wreck that is about to roar over them. Under her two-ton backpack and hiding behind several binders piled on top of a laptop, she affects the gait of a laden donkey. Kelsey is always that one kid that speed trudges into the classroom a few seconds after the bell has rung so that her entrance is met with the glaring eyes of students already imprisoned in their desks. Oh, how they despise her for gaining those extra seconds of freedom. Her favorite hobby of cross stitching is her chaperone; any potential suitors fear the possibility of being stabbed with a tapestry needle at any moment. Her favorite music styles are anything but country and rap, which leaves all other students at Collegiate wondering what she could possibly listen to.
Robert Scible
Robert Scible was the favorite kid in his family by wide margins, because he was an only child. You could tell, because he never received a gift on Hanukkah from his strong Christian family, even after waiting up all night to see his grandfather slide down the chimney. His ability to charm others was only thwarted by the fact that his mom had just recently bought him a stuffed animal, which accounted for his 2nd friend. Due to his increasing attentiveness in skool his grades shooted earnin his D- average. With this academic prowess; it was no wonder that the stutter that he learned to cease, and ensured bullying i...i…i...in middle school forged his future as a public speaker. His nightmares beginning at age 16 about talking in front of people were only supported by the fact that he hated when people stared at him. This math genius, and athlete of the year captained the summer weight room squad attended an astounding 0+0 workouts. Although mostly known as the future valedictorian of his class by his peers, his ability to complete homework during the five minutes before class was astonishing...so don’t check the print time at the bottom of any assignments he has turned in.
Nicholas Kickzales
Nicholas kickzales wait how do you say your last name again Is the smartest of his bible study class In reality he is so smart he has been accepted into the J Sarge college early decision His athletic ability has also made him so Truly Blessed that he is playing football and lax for them He also loves english homework assignments where you have to write about yourself those are his favorites Nick also did all of the summer reading just like every other collegiate student It is really hard to get nick mad not even people who make thousands of comments in one class period drive him over the edge He is also really fast So fast he got placed in the middle school girls first heat and still lost! He is also anorexic He only eats lettuce and small pieces of bread He is also very shy If you had trouble reading this that s because Nick kickzales is also really bad at grammar
David Romer
David Romer was an avid reader and literature enthusiast who enjoyed everything from Hobbes to Calvin.
He laid low in school, only surfacing to lead class discussions and head up meetings in his 17 different clubs. He truly was a Renaissance man with only one skill: having none.
He constantly complained about the cafeteria while saying thank you for his Asian Orange Zest Chicken.
Davis Owen
Davis Owen was the first and last child born to his kind and loving parents. Naturally he was their least favorite child. Once he started school the young lad was always on time, nice to his teachers and, of course, the worst student in his class. He became the most religious person, praying every Sunday that he didn’t have to go to church. He had to quit playing basketball his freshman year of high school because of a physical disorder called being bad at hand-eye coordination. I guess that’s why he plays soccer so much. Some seniors say high school has gone by too fast, but not him. He always says, and I quote, “#YOLO”. He’s been called the songbird of a generation, causing people to clap as loud as they can to drown out his singing. While reading words in books is his strong suit in his English curriculum, a even stronger attribute have been the grammar skills of him.
Jackson Lacy
Jackson Lacy could quite possibly, maybe, sometimes be considered the most average human on the planet. His ability to have abilities was an ability of note. While his athletic prowess led him to great feats of an unimpressive nature, it was undeniably and unequivocally his ability to use a thesaurus that distinguished him from his peers. For this ingenious, abundance, of superfluous syllables created the semblance and apparition of a superior intellect where the protracted statement would appear as though it has some sort of intensified meaning. But nobody likes looking up words. So he received poor grades. The copious amount of money that he didn’t have was useless as well. Yes, it was the good life. He had it all, the average awesomeness, his insufficient amount of “swag”, and of course, his, oh so smooth unlikability. He truly was the best of the not so good.
Meg Sheehy
The girl’s name is Meg Sheehy. Actually, we aren’t quite sure whether Meg is a she or he, but for now we’ll just call Meg a boy. Meg is your average white girl who enjoys a variety of music, ranging from violinist Biggie Smalls to flute player Tupac Shakur. She is also incredibly athletic, as she gets all of her sports credits through Outdoor Collegiate. She is very popular and can often be seen hanging out with her friend. She is really a fun boy to spend time with. Most say hanging out with her is similar to falling down a several flights of stairs. She is a dog lover who kicks puppies in her free time. Did I mention how incredibly lovely looking she is? She has hair similar to Britney Spears’s hair after her major haircut, a body type similar to Chris Farley’s, and the mannerisms of Miley Cyrus. Meg is truly an outstanding young man.
Alex Neilson-
Alex Neilson was a rich white child born into a low middle class family. His mother, Michelle, was as perfect as they came. As a child, she was never once scolded, and was a straight “A” student all the way through high school. She was so smart; she didn't even have the wherewithal to go to college. So she opened up her own business instead: Michelle’s Ice Cream Parlor and Bakery. It literally burnt to the ground. Soon later, God blessed her with a little baby boy named Alexander. Michelle, despite her perfect ways, was now a single mother. The child was so sweet he did not even cry as a baby. Little did the mother know what a shit he would soon become.
On the other hand, his father had a bit of a different upbringing. Darrel was the second of ten children in a Catholic family that lived in the Midwest. As a consequence of such a big family there was very little patrol over what he did. But if he did do something bad enough to get the attention of his parents, there was no scolding. He was most likely spanked; such a forgiving Christian family. Darrel skated along through school barely moving grade to grade. Soon something changed and he realized he wanted to go to college. Darrel got his act together and was able to bullshit himself into Michigan State University. After years of working and building his business, he met a single mom and her son, Alex. Oh the joy of a new beginning with people that are already dysfunctional. He couldn’t wait.
Alex was nothing like his parents, yet he looked exactly like his mother and acted exactly like his father that actually wasn’t his father. Alex was an entitled rich kid who went to a swanky private school on the west end of Richmond, Virginia. He was a very worldly kid. He was so worldly that he actually participated in Community Service. Although, the community service was school-enforced in order to move onto your next grade level, he did it with pride. He was so proud that every year he saved his community service hours until the final two weeks before school would start back up, just in time to get his schedule to order his books. He was a scholar as much as a humanitarian. Like his father, he was doing enough to move from grade to grade. The key to that was the ability to bullshit. Although Alex knew something that everyone else didn't. He once heard from another rich, entitled, Collegiate kid that, “C’s get degrees.” This line of mediocrity changed his life and sculpted him for the remainder of his time. With his entitlement, private school education, bullshit ability, and pledge to mediocrity, he was bound for one thing and one thing only: Politics.
Jonathan Headley
Jonathan Headley is one of those kids that just doesn’t have what it takes to make it in this world. His body can sometimes be confused with a string bean, although he is known to be a brick wall in the lacrosse goal. He has been awarded the nickname “string bean” by his social crowd not because of his body structure, but for his love for broccoli. He once ate so much broccoli that he started to grow red hair and millions of little freckles began to show up on his gorgeously tan skin. And don’t even get me started about his tremendous grades in high school, ranking him respectably as one of the dumbest students in his class. I doubt he could even write anything as funny or well thought out as this biography. May God have mercy on his soul.
Brooks Doxey-
Brooks Doxey is by far the coolest girl in the world. Her temperature never rises above 47 degrees fahrenheit. She is sometimes called the female version of Michael Jordan because of her very tall stature and her ability to dunk on anyone. Brooks was a sub as a sophomore on the JV basketball team. Her healthy diet consists of breathing the air. In her free time Brooks enjoys competing in hot dog eating contests; she once ate 172 hotdogs in two minutes. Being the favorite daughter in the family, Brooks gets whatever she wants whenever she wants. She is an only child. Her talent and love for playing the violin is unmatched. If she could smash her violin on the ground then grind it up in the garbage disposal, she would. Her amazing talent for the violin is shown by the fact that after 12 years of playing, she is still placed in the back with all the bad people. Known for her articulation and enunciation, Brooks speaks in such a manner that no one can tell what she is saying half the time. Brooks’ friends adore her laugh and usually tell her to “shut up and stop cackling.” Her intelligence surpasses everyone. She thought Mexico was a state in America until last year.
Faith Reed:
Faith Reed is a happy-go-lucky, easy-going individual who is so irritable in the mornings that her entire extended family refuses to make contact until at least 11:30am. Her empowering stature intimidates fellow students every time she passes, when they’re not accidentally stepping on her 5’3’’ self because they don’t see her. Faith also has an identical twin brother. Her penmanship is so incredibly neat and precise, with perfectly circular, looping y’s and g’s, that no one is ever able to read anything she’s writing. Widely remembered by the overwhelming stack of bracelets on her left wrist, people frequently forget her name and simple know her as the girl with the overwhelming stack of bracelets on her left wrist. As she has the echoing laugh of a post-pubescent male, middle school boys often strive for a deep, booming laugh like Faith’s in hope of increasing their masculinity. A dancer for her entire life, Faith’s gracefulness and flexibility are regularly put to good use by disguising frequent trips over her own feet and public falls down stairs. But don’t worry, her bracelets always soften the landing.
Mr. Svab
Mr. Svab was a blindingly handsome man of minimal attractiveness. He was one of the funniest people on campus whose students never laughed at his jokes. His desire to lose weight was only tempered by his ability to eat 27 Krispy Kreme icing-filled, chocolate-covered glazed doughnuts in one sitting. He was always trying to get healthier by playing tennis with Dr. Thornton, whom he idolized. Dr. Thornton despised Mr. Svab’s idolatry, and Mr. Svab hated him for it. Mr. Svab’s resemblance to Tom Hanks was confounding to the students, 47% of whom thought he was Tom Hanks, and 13 of whom had never heard of Tom Hanks. He was a pessimistic, misanthropic, emotional shell of a man who strongly believed in the possibilities of humanity and the humble glory of teaching the nation’s youth. His ability to teach English was improved by his complete misunderstanding of basic grammar rules and where, to place a, comma. He was, in short, a confused, exhausted, corpulent, gloomy, distrustful, cynical, glass-half-empty teacher of unknown Communist origin who swore allegiance only to himself. He was the most visible of teachers on campus, since most students had no idea who he was.