REGRET – BAGGY_NSFW

This is not an easy thing to write, much less to post publicly, but by the advice of my therapist, and for my own mental health, I’ve decided as I believe it to be something that will be for the better in the long run.

Without bells and whistles, I wanna apologize publicly about the many problematic pieces of art (and behaviors) I made spanning the years 2022-2025, mostly comprising of lolicon, but also of other problematic subjects such as incest, raceplay, non-con among other taboo subjects. I look back at these in disgust and regret, as I’ve come to realize thanks to my amazing partner, who I started dating a year ago, but also thanks to taking counseling of friends, and my own change of mind and ideals.

There’s nothing I can really do but apologize and talk about how I’ve stopped producing and interacting with this type of content for a while now, I’m not seeking forgiveness, as, yet again, this is mostly to set the record clear for myself and for others who might find this absolutely foul pieces out there in the wild.

I know also many people have told me that I shouldn’t do this, that this is just bringing attention to the matter, attention I could very easily avoid, but I disagree, as this is less about protecting “my image” or “my brand”, but rather my own mental sanity.

PART I – CONTEXT

I always hated seeing mental health being used as an excuse to just deny any responsibility from bad or evil actions. This is not that, this is an explanation, a reasoning, which doesn’t seek to justify, but rather explain why or how I acted a certain way, even when it was wrong.

At the age of 13 I was groomed on an online relationship. I wanna clarify the person who did this I do not believe to be evil, as over the years he also sought out help to change his behaviour, and by the time we were adults (and were still dating, more on that later) I would swear with my life that this person is NOT a pedophile, at least has not been ever since he made that very grave mistake (which we both agreed it was, a mistake, a blunder, not the norm).

This event really changed my perception of sexuality, not immediately in the “desiring pedophilic content” but rather by trying to cope with the trauma. In many of the disgusting art pieces, the topic of the matter is child sexual abuse, in fact, particularly one of the pieces (from 2024) depicts exactly the feelings of trauma I had experienced because of that. (See Part II)

In my mind, these drawings were a coping mechanism, a way of me to let out my sexual frustration of having been victim of stumped regular teen development, something I believe affects me to this day.

In 2024 I started a new relationship after having been with my first partner for over 8 years, the problem is, not only did this relationship also had a problematic age gap (though of course we were both adults at this point) but the person I started dating, along with other issues, also liked lolicon and other proship/taboo topics. This only furthered me getting into the rabbithole of this sort of content. It’s been a year since I broke up with this person, which started this whole journey of self reflection.

PART II – THE ART

I will proceed to show some of the problematic pieces in question. You can skip this chapter if you so desire, again, no explicit content will be shown (because it’s censored), some of these were commissions, but most of it was personal art made for no other reason other than being fap material for myself. When first writing this, I was going to censor some of it, mostly cuz I didn’t want to “show them off” in any sort of positive light, but I’ve chosen not to, because to do so would be to slightly sugarcoat how terrible these were. Some are still censored cuz shortly after I begun writing these, I deleted all of it lol, I could only recover some of these from an archive that’s still on the wild

Some of the most prominent content I made featured underaged versions of the characters from “Dick Figures” as little girls, with extremely coarse dialogue (extensive use of the word “pedo” and similar stuff).

Some other were just regular drawings. (They would often include incest along with other shit)

One of the more explicit and vent-y drawings, depicting my trauma in a very fucked up way. I couldn’t find an non-censored version of this one

RACISM

Another thing I used to do, was make “raceplay” or well, racist edits of some of my own artwork. At first I ignorantly didn’t see what was so wrong about it, but of course, now I see just how disgusting I was for this. (This behavior also extended onto RPs and DMs with some people, whom, even If I had their explicit consent, them being black people themselves, doesn’t excuse this behavior in the slightest, at all). This important to note as, even while being vile doing this, I am very much against all forms of discrimination, I should’ve known better at the time.

I lost the original files to these as well, so excuse the censoring, imagine extensive use of the Hard R among other disgusting fucking shit, it was THAT bad..

                                                And so on…

As if that wasn’t enough, as I mentioned, I also used to write very disturbing, disgusting and abhorrent stuff in my DMs with other people while roleplaying (all of whom were adults and were explicitly doing this by desire to RP fiction), these are honestly so unbelievably hard to look at now, but again, I want to come clear with everything, or as much as I can without repeating myself too much. (redacted here are the n-word and the word “r*pe”)

Again, the only reason I am showing this art and DMs is because I want to set the record clear, there are many more pieces and messages like this but not only can they be found online (I think) but also it would take many pages as it’s about 3 years’ worth of content).

PART III – HOW IT AFFECTED ME

I fucked up, there’s no way around it, but I don’t seek to hide skeletons on my closet, I’m done doing that. Once my last relationship ended, it made me realize that I was on a terrible path. My ex was like a mirror of what I would’ve become in 10 years if I didn’t change, if I didn’t turn my life around. This change of course was not only because of all that stuff, but afterwards I realized how absolutely fucked up this stuff can be and how it can lead you to very dark places. No I’m not saying consumption of CSAM, I never consumed such a thing, even at my deepest and darkest moments, I found the idea of that absolutely vile, despite how much there was explicit drawn or text content about that. Especially being a victim of grooming this hits hard, seeing me enjoy these depictions of the very thing that still brings me problems to this day is very depressing now. Same goes for the racist stuff, how I could convince myself it was somehow right to engage in such behaviors is beyond me now, but porn addiction will do terrible things to your brain (not trying to be a puritan, but it is real, anything can become an addiction).

Now the thing is, am I an “anti”? I don’t fully believe in policing people for their art, I might heavily disagree with the art or the people that make it but it would be hypocritical of me to not expect myself to forgive and or understand why people do the things they do. Recently I found out one prominent member of the community was indeed grooming minors in a discord server thanks to a friend who often times does investigative work about this, him and the server as a whole were reported to the authorities immediately. My friend is proship, he absolutely despises the idea of CSAM and child abuse IRL, both things can be true, which is why I believe it’s not as white and black for some people.

It is for me. I absolutely do not want to interact, see or of course produce this type of content, I am done with drawing problematic and taboo subjects, as it led me to be very addicted to it in the first place, leading to many problems on a mental level.

PART IV – FINAL WORD

There’s not much else to say about the subject. Again I don’t really expect any type of reaction, positive or negative, I just wanted to clear my mind and my soul about this, to come clear and for this to be a daily reminder to never fuck up again, to stand by my morals and keep upholding my worldviews as long as I live. I know it might seem dramatic and innecessary to some but hey, it’s very important to me.

And if you’re wondering, about half of the foot community I met is sadly into this type of thing, even if they explicitly say they’re not, some of them just lie, shame on them, some people openly admit to it, which IMHO is better as then people can choose if they want to support/associate with them or not, instead of lying through their teeth. I could be here listing a bunch of, but that would be worthless, I’m not here to expose anyone but myself and what led me to this.

And lastly, if you’re struggling with something similar, I advise you take counseling, whether it be through therapy or at least talking to friends about it, the first step is realizing you don’t like something about what you do or say, and that is possibly the hardest thing.

I believe people can forgive others and themselves to improve for the better, certainly not all people as I sadly come to learn, but most will, they have to, life will show everyone if they are doing something wrong, it did for me, at least.

“My mercy prevails over my wrath…”

I cannot thank my precious boyfriend enough for his incredibly eye-opening views and encouragement to be better every single day, me changing in this way is mostly thanks to him, to the way he actually wants me to improve, to become something above my sins. Thank you, my love…