Clapcast 18: Open To Big John Sponsorships (Feb 2019)

Transcriber: Cy @vlasdygoth

AUSTIN: Am I the only one who has— is getting. Like, robot-y sounds?

JACK: Oh. No, I'm not hearing any robot-y noises.

KEITH: [cross] Uh… yeah, I'm sounding— everything's sounding good. You sound good too, so I don't know what's up.

AUSTIN: Okay. Weird.

KEITH: Yeah, it'll probably pass. Let's hope.

AUSTIN: Here's hoping.

KEITH: Is it rainy? You gettin' rain there?

AUSTIN: I'm not. No rain.

JACK: You down a big hole?

AUSTIN: I'm down a big hole.

KEITH: Oh are you down a big hole?

AUSTIN: Yeah. I'm in a bottom of one.

JACK: You down a big hole spiritually?

AUSTIN: Yeah. Oh yeah, definitely.

JACK: [giggles] I love how our map in roll20 of the Isles of Flight is just right now the zoomed in map of, of the continent?

AUSTIN: Listen, I have not had time to do more than that.

[Keith laughs]

JACK: Nah, it's great! It's all we need! We know they're there, and we know that they're floating.

KEITH: [cross] Yeah!

AUSTIN: I have names for them and stuff you can't see yet, but that's it.

KEITH: Map, schmap.

JACK: Map, schmap!

KEITH: Maps, map— although I'm, I feel like I… I feel like I am specifically lacking in, in visualization skills. I feel like I'm just really bad at visualizing.

JACK: You gotta map us at the— you gotta— [laughs] I screwed the joke up! I was gonna say, I was gonna say you gotta back us at the schmapmaker tier? Which is where we make fake maps, but I screwed it up. Badly.

KEITH: Wait, schmaps?

JACK: Well, you just said maps, schmaps.

KEITH: Oh, right, map, schmap.

JACK: It was a, it was a joke. I've explained it now. So it's better.

KEITH: I don't know, Urban Dictionary says that schmap is used when someone is taking a— talking a load of crap, or has been acting stupid all day.

JACK: [sighs] Thanks, Urban Dictionary. [Keith laughs] Hey Keith, what does it say if you put your name into Urban Dictionary? 'Cause I love that Urban Dictionary is full of people either talking shit about other people, or being very complimentary.

KEITH: To themselves.

JACK: Yeah. Or their partners.

KEITH: I'm not— I'm not, I don't wanna read the top one!

JACK: Okay, that also sounds like Urban Dictionary!

KEITH: [laughs] It's not— it's not the worst thing in the world, I just wanna pass over it.

JACK: Fair.

KEITH: How about the second one, "a sweet and caring guy! Beautiful eyes, usually brown." It— that's such a funny thing to say. Keiths usually have brown eyes.

JACK: [cross] Usually.

[Ali laughs]

KEITH: They're always beautiful, and they're usually brown. "Enjoys being bitten on the shoulder, not too hard, though! His smile can light up a room and he can make you feel special without even trying."

JACK: Wow!

KEITH: "Often confusing, and sends mixed signals." Now this is contradictory, I think. "If you're with a Keith, don't break up with him. And don't let him leave you! He is often generous and loving, and would do anything for his girlfriend, he is not usually a wealthy kind of guy, but will use what money he has on the necessities. Keiths are usually very kissable, and will always be memorable. Keep him in your heart forever." [Jack laughs] And then, this one is, hashtag Keith, hashtag Kenny! Hashtag loveable, hashtag sexy, hashtag sweet. Who's Kenny?

JACK: What color are your eyes?

KEITH: Blue.

JACK: Oh, so you're—

KEITH: Very, yeah they're like, real blue.

JACK: [cross] Not even brown!

KEITH: No, not even close to brown.

JACK: Oh… Well, shit. One of the many inaccuracies, but you do have a place in my heart.

[transition music]

[3:30]

KEITH: How's uh, how's everybody's head?

AUSTIN: Not great.

KEITH: Bummer.

JACK: My head's… okay? I just had a cup of coffee, at 1:26.

AUSTIN: That is too late, Jack.

[Jack laughs]

KEITH: I'm— I mean I'm about— I guess yeah, it's much later there, nevermind.

JACK: It's the work coffee. Y'know? To get you going for the day. For the day's work.

KEITH: I uh. There's a really great, I had heard that there was a really great coffee roaster in town that I had not been to that has like, everybody says is the best coffee? And uh, I finally went there because I was buying my dad some coffee stuff for his— for Christmas. And was able to get, do you know when you walk in someplace and you're like, oh, this smells, this whole place smells so good, and I bought three bags of coffee, and they've been here in my office, and now my whole office smells like really good coffee.

AUSTIN: That's worth it.

KEITH: Yeah.

AUSTIN: Just a sort of perfume.

KEITH: Mhm. Coffee perfume.

JACK: This is just instant coffee because I have a, what's it called, like a percolator? Where you like, put the coffee in the bottom, and then it boils up through it?

AUSTIN: Oh yeah.

JACK: But that takes a long time.

KEITH: You don't have a little drip?

AUSTIN: [cross] Wait, you have a bottom percolator?

JACK: Uh.

AUSTIN: You don't have a top percolator?

JACK: Well… It's like…

KEITH: What's a top percolator?

AUSTIN: Well like, when I think of a percolator, it has like, a little thing that goes to the top that you put the coffee in, not at the bottom.

KEITH: Isn't that just a drip? You mean like a drip?

JACK: [cross] Oh, no— You're thinking of like…

AUSTIN: No. no, no, no no.

JACK: Send me a picture of what you think we're talking about, and I'll send you a picture of what I think I'm talking about. And then our pictures can fight.

AUSTIN: This is what we call a percolator.

JACK: Um… let's see.

AUSTIN: It has like, a little spring based metal rod.

JACK:[cross]  Oh, no. No, this is what—

AUSTIN: That has like, a little cup part that you put the coffee in.

JACK: I can see how that would work.

AUSTIN: [cross] Okay, no, okay. These are—

KEITH: [cross] Oh, Jack, Jack, that's a moka pot. I know about those. I have one of those, they're excellent.

JACK: Oh! They're great.

KEITH: Austin— what Austin was, that second one is what I was thinking of.

AUSTIN: [cross] Yeah. A moka pot is m-o-k-a, right?

KEITH: Yeah, m-o-k-a, yeah. It's an Italian thing, I think. That makes excellent coffee, though. It does take a while.

JACK: [cross] It takes a while.

AUSTIN: The moka pot? The moka pot.

KEITH: Oh boy, yeah, the moka pot makes really really fantastic coffee.

AUSTIN: [cross] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Percolators make like, really bad coffee, but I love it.  [Jack laughs] It's like, cheap, it's like the cheapest way to do it?

JACK: [cross] Ah, the good stuff.

AUSTIN: Because you, it just drips the water through again and again and again multiple times?

JACK: Oh, that's great.

KEITH: Yeah.

AUSTIN: And so it ends up being like, it just ends up feeling really recycled and weird, but I like it.

JACK: Yeah!

AUSTIN: I'm here for it.

KEITH: I uh, have you guys seen siphon brewers? It's like way over the top and, but it is so cool. So, you, you have—

JACK: [cross] I'm looking it up.

KEITH: You have a chamber in the bottom filled with water.

JACK: Oh my god.

AUSTIN: Oh, wow. Keith...

KEITH: And then, as you heat it up, the water gets sucked into a top chamber. Yeah?

AUSTIN: [cross] Keith, this is the most you thing I've ever looked at in my life.

KEITH: [laughs] It's so dumb! It's—

AUSTIN: This is where you make potions.

KEITH: I know! It's super how you— ! I mean—

AUSTIN: This is my favorite image, this one right here is the, the one—

JACK: I like this one.

KEITH: Okay. I hope—

AUSTIN: [cross] Let's see if this doesn't post— paste the same one, I hope it isn't, wait wait wait, don't—

KEITH: [cross] I hope that you're posting like, the royal, there's like a royal version of it? That—

AUSTIN: Well, so this isn't, this isn't my favorite one of these, this is just my favorite image. I'm posting it now.

JACK: Okay, I can't post mine, it's not the one I was thinking of.

AUSTIN: [cross] Okay, well.

JACK: My one had a lady in, I like that  one 'cause the coffee is exploding.

KEITH: [cross] Okay—

AUSTIN: That's why I like mine too, I don't know why, but next to this, can you describe what this looks like?

KEITH: Ye— yeah. So, so… you know those old-time phones?

[laughter]

AUSTIN: Yeah.

KEITH: It's sort of like, half coffee maker, half old style phone where you like, take the thing off the rack?

JACK: [cross] But you shouldn't.

AUSTIN: [cross] Hello? Yeah, yeah.

KEITH: Yeah.

JACK: You'll burn your ear.

AUSTIN: You take it off and you go like, like, a Green Bird 7200, please!

KEITH: [cross] [laughs] Yeah!

AUSTIN: And then someone on the other side goes like—

KEITH: One moment!

AUSTIN: [robot noise?] One moment, sir!

KEITH: So, so the, heat heats up— the heat heats up the water in the bottom chamber, which pushes it up into the top, fully immerses the grounds in a bunch of water, and then as it brews, it cools, and when it's cold enough, it gets sucked back down.

JACK: [cross] Damn!

KEITH: And then the bottom chamber is then, you can use to pour the coffee out to get it.

AUSTIN: So, here's what I like to think of it as. It's like okay, imagine an hourglass in your head. A big one, like a big, you could lift the whole thing up with both your hands. Then chop off the bottom half, and put a lightbulb on there.

[Ali laughs]

KEITH: Okay.

AUSTIN: Then, then, hang that up on one of those old telephones, and put like a little butane burner at the bottom! That's what this looks like.

KEITH: Now— now look at this.

AUSTIN: [cross] No.

KEITH: This is like, the royalty version that instead of having to start and stop the fire yourself, it uses the weight of where the—

AUSTIN: You have seventeen servants.

KEITH: The, no, it uses the weight of where the coffee is to like, switch the balance.

JACK: [cross] Oh my god…

KEITH: Which, which is what shuts off the heat and starts the suction from one side to the other.

JACK: Both of these look like they were invented by Paul F. Tompkins?

AUSTIN: Mhm!

KEITH: [cross] This is the, this is the—

JACK: [cross] But the first one looks like you paid him very slightly less.

KEITH: [laughs]  Belgian, the Belgian royal balance siphon coffee maker. Isn't it— isn't the shit that, it's like, 'cause you could really just dump some—

AUSTIN: Right. This is the difference between this—

KEITH: Powder in some water.

AUSTIN: And the percolator.

KEITH: Right.

AUSTIN: Which is just— I don't know, put some coffee in there, boil it.

KEITH: But! But, honestly, it's not even that different! 'Cause—

AUSTIN: No. It isn't!

KEITH: 'Cause, 'cause all it is is you're filling like, it's a really really elaborate way—

AUSTIN: [cross] It's just different ways. Right.

KEITH: It's a super elaborate way to, to make all of the coffee touch all of the water at the same time.

AUSTIN: Exactly. Exactly! Whereas  the percolator's lie, I don't care what order it does it, just get the fuckin' water in there!

KEITH: [laughs] Yeah.

AUSTIN: It's better than just dumping grounds into water and heating it all up, but it's not that much different. Though I will say, it is actually amazing how much, if you like train your palette, these are all incredibly different and produce slightly different and importantly distinct tastes.

KEITH: [cross] Yeah.

JACK: This is the coffee I have.

AUSTIN: What is— this is "Intenso Azera Nescafe." Did you just put this in some water and stir it up?

KEITH: [cross] Yeah that does sound like the worst possible kind of coffee.

AUSTIN: What is this?

KEITH: I bought my dad a pour-over thing, because all that he has to make coffee is um, is a, is a… Keurig? Which, with, which both… it's bad on every front?

AUSTIN:  [cross] Yeah.

KEITH: It's enormous, the machine itself is enormous, it makes bad coffee, and it just produce—

JACK: Bad for the environment.

KEITH: It's expensive, yeah, and it produces a mountain of waste. So I got him a pour-over thing that has like, a reusable metal filter instead of needing paper filters. He also—

AUSTIN: [cross] Does it have like, the, does it have the… um. Burning Man starting kit attached to it the way most pour-over do?

KEITH: [cross] No, this one I got the, I got the one that—

AUSTIN: [cross]  Like the little like, like the… leather with the little string? And like, one dreadlock, you know what I'm talkin' about?

[laughter]

JACK: A 48-foot tall glass sculpture of a greek goddess?

AUSTIN: [cross] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

KEITH: No, it comes, it comes with a guide on how to form your own sugarcubes and then how to trade them for lawn chairs. [Austin laughs] He's, he has— he's moving and has declined to buy a house? And has this, or you know, rent or whatever, and has decided to instead buy a, an RV! And so, I was trying to think of the things that he has that he can't fit in an RV, and I said, oh, how about a new way of brewing coffee.

AUSTIN: Yeah!

KEITH: And the most compact, least in the way thing that I could think of, was like an air press? But I don't think that he wants to ever do that, it's a nightmare.

AUSTIN: No, no, that's too hard.

KEITH: And he drinks too much coffee for that. It only makes like one cup at a time.

AUSTIN: So yeah, I used to have, I used to have a one-hitter percolator? [Keith laughs] Which was… was like the best gift I ever got? Because—

KEITH: Did you ever get a Bripe? Do you want a Bripe?

AUSTIN: What's a— wait, what's a Bripe?

KEITH: [laughs] You don't know the Bripe? You don't remember the Bripe?

JACK: This is sort of a fantasy frog by the sounds of it.

KEITH: Okay, well you might have to—

AUSTIN: [laughs] Oh my— oh my god I remember the Bripe, okay. I'd forgotten the Bripe, I was a fool. I was a fool, this is a terrible device.

KEITH: The brew pipe!

AUSTIN: Uh huh…

KEITH: It's that, it's that muscular old man who says that drinking coffee from a— [laughs] A copper pipe outside, next to a waterfall is the number one way to brew coffee! [dissolves into laughter]

JACK: [cross] We should get started… Oh my god!

AUSTIN: Sixty bucks, it comes with a torch lighter, I feel like that might be worth it by itself.

KEITH: On, yeah, those are pricey.

AUSTIN: Mhm. I'm gonna read the back of the Brew Pipe's instructions real quick.

KEITH: This is the, this is the...

AUSTIN: Created for— [laughs] Bripe— okay. Bripe: Ultra-portable coffee— Hm. "Bripe, ultra-portable coffee brewing system. Torch now included. Quad-jet torch, easy to use!" And then it's a photo of a man with a grey beard, like a, like he plays bass probably in like, some sort of cover band.

KEITH:  [cross] Rush cover band.

AUSTIN: Yeah, a Rush cover band. "Kit included," it's a picture of the kit, it says "Created for the adventurer, this brand new coffee brewing system is designed to make a quick shot of coffee everywhere." Not anywhere— everywhere. "The Brew Pipe is a fun way to make a delicious shot of coffee when you don't need or want to heat water with a kettle or stove. The concept was born in Costa Rica, where adventure is found more easily than coffee shops." Fuck you. "Join the Briping community at www. briping. com, use requires a blue flame lighter, not included." Wait, it says torch now included!

KEITH:  [cross] Wait, now included. It is now included, they have not changed this copy, probably 'cause no one's bought one yet.

AUSTIN: We support the indigenous lands and people of Costa Rica through the not for profit fund-a-rico, see briping .com for current projects.

KEITH: [doubtful] Yeah, right.

AUSTIN: Mmm.

JACK:  [cross] Briping dot com…

KEITH: I bet this is somehow backed to some sort of US Military thing.

AUSTIN: Oh, this goes back to that Pandora fuckin' hat guy. Remember, he—

JACK: Panama hat guy.

AUSTIN: Panama, what did I say, Pandora? Panama.

JACK: Pandora. Yeah, that's from Avatar.

KEITH:  [cross] This is probably, this is—

AUSTIN: [laughs] They got hats there, too!

JACK: Oh, yeah! Should we clap?

AUSTIN: Mhm.

JACK: For the sake of Austin's head.

AUSTIN: Mhm. And your time.

KEITH: Twenty?

AUSTIN: Twenty.

[clap] 

AUSTIN: Alright.

KEITH: Hold on, I gotta Bripe, one sec.

AUSTIN: Alright, you hit that Bripe.

[transition music]

[13:45]

JANINE: But, I can totally see it being a thing if you see it everywhere, like that's the ecosystem. So, like, [sighs]. I, it feels so close to something I would have done if I had had that platform at that age. 'Cause I was totally in the habit of like, telling completely meaningless lies just so people would think I was cool? In grade school, I like told people I had a horse.

AUSTIN: Did— you didn't, is the thing.

JANINE: No, I never— no.

AUSTIN: Not even a little one?

JANINE: We're not horse people, no.

AUSTIN: Okay.

JANINE: I said its name was Biscuit?

AUSTIN: Wow!

JANINE: I had an elaborate fiction.

AUSTIN: Yeah, I appreciate the honesty now, is what I'll say. [Janine laughs] You know, I appreciate… radical honesty.

JANINE: I'm just saying, if I'd had Instagram when I was in like grade seven, I probably would've pretended to have like a, like a Starburst sponsorship or something.

AUSTIN: That's a good one, yeah. 'Cause they're cheap enough for you to buy and like, pretend that you're gettin' them for free?

JANINE: Mhm. And then you can like, do that thing where you make a bracelet of it, of the wrappers and like…

AUSTIN: Yeah. Yeah.

ART: The real trick would be saving up and getting the big box, right?

AUSTIN:  [cross] Yeah, yeah yeah.

ART: The like, here's my big box of Starburst, or even just like, you could fake it where I put some Starburst on the top of a box and something else in it?

AUSTIN:  [cross] They send me one of these a month!

JANINE: That's too much Starburst, though.

AUSTIN: No, 'cause you give them out, right, that's the whole thing is like, you could give them to your friends at lunch or whatever and just be like yeah, I get 'em for free, so I don't mind! But you don't get them for free, you get them for twelve dollars.

JANINE: [cross] I don't think that's how it works. I don't think most of this is… I don't think that's what they're doing.

AUSTIN: They also get stuff, it's both, they get paid and they also get stuff.

JANINE: No, I mean the kids, the kids who are lying about it, though, I don't like, I don't think they're walking around handing out bottles of Fiji.

AUSTIN: I just think they gotta commit.

ART: Yeah, I'm sayin' Austin and I have a better angle on this.

[Janine laughs]

AUSTIN: Yeah.

JANINE: It's definitely more believable and less tryhard.

AUSTIN: It's certainly… yeah, yeah, fair.

ART: On a related topic, I'm gonna start doing fake ad reads on this show.

AUSTIN:  [cross] Can't wait.

ART: Just, in the middle of my turns?

AUSTIN: Uh huh.

ART: So it's gonna be like, rolling here for Ford, the new F150s, the 2019 F150 is uh…

JANINE: Is that how they're naming cars now?

AUSTIN: F150?

ART:  [cross] The F150 is—

JANINE:  [cross] That sounds like a plane.

AUSTIN: It's like a, F150 is like a classic Ford truck.

JANINE: Oh.

AUSTIN: Like, truck-ass truck.

JANINE: Look, I don't fuckin'....

AUSTIN: The F series.

JANINE: I don't— I don't know about cars? I don't like them?

AUSTIN: Trucks do the, the plane name thing a lot. The like… yeah, yeah yeah.

ART:  [cross] Well, these are their—

JANINE:  [cross] So they don't, they don't come like… no, wait, Bronco was a different thing, that was like a… that was like a thing.

AUSTIN: A Bronco is— is a Ford, it's a car, and it's a Ford, it's a Ford truck.

JANINE: No, it is, but it's like a different, it has like, a big part on the back. Is it like an early SUV?

AUSTIN: It's an early SUV, yeah.

JANINE: Yeah.

AUSTIN: Yeah, totally, totally. It's like right between pickup and SU— like, you can see the pickup truck in the Bronco, you know what I mean? You take that back off—

JANINE: I just always think of pickup trucks as like, having… horse names or like…

ART: Well, the Dodge's are rams.

AUSTIN: [cross] Right.

JANINE: [cross] Yeah.

DRE: [cross] The Chevy's a Silverado.

JANINE: Ruminants in general, horses, deer, uh, goats. Uh… cows.

ART: Is Nissan Titan, or is that Toyota, I don't know…

DRE: Yeah Nissan's Titan, I'm pretty sure.

ART: I spent a week in pickup country, so.

DRE: I think Toyota is the—

AUSTIN: [cross] Toyota's the Tacoma, yeah.

DRE: Yeah, and the Tundra, yeah.

AUSTIN: Okay. What's a Tacoma?

DRE: It's a truck.

ART: It's a place.

DRE: They're both trucks.

AUSTIN: No, no, no, but what is it.

JANINE: Isn't it like, a place?

DRE: Yeah, I think so. It's like a… isn't it like a…

AUSTIN: [cross] Yeah, that sounds right. A city in Washington.

ART: [cross] Tacoma is a city in Washington.

AUSTIN: Okay, yeah.

DRE: Yeah.

JANINE: They named it after the space video game.

AUSTIN: Right. [laughs] Right, of course, right.

DRE: And that's where Mt. Rainier is, which I assume is why…

AUSTIN: Ohhh, that makes sense. The Nissan Frontier is the other Nissan.

DRE: [cross] Rainier?

AUSTIN: Rainier, I think.

DRE: Okay.

AUSTIN: The Honda Ridgeline…

JANINE: Blackwall.

AUSTIN: The Ford Ranger— right. The, right, the… Buick Blackwall.

ART: Who the hell is buying a Buick pickup truck?

AUSTIN: What? You cut out.

ART: Who is buying a Buick pickup truck?

AUSTIN: I, y'know.

DRE: I don't know, man.

JANINE: People who work for Buick? Or whose dad worked for Buick?

AUSTIN: Let's see, did Buick ever make a pickup truck. … I love this post. By guest, on Antique Automobile Club: "Someone said that Buick made some trucks. If so, could someone tell me what year and what type of truck it was, or was it some sort of custom, please email me at—" email.

ART: Um, I'm looking at—

JANINE: [cross] Buicklover69 at gmail.

ART: I'm looking at the current Buick lineup, and I gotta say, they have made a spectacularly ugly convertible. The Buick Cascada.

DRE: [cross] Oh, god, all of them are terrible.

AUSTIN: Oh boy.

DRE: And I love that like, the new Buick like commercials for the past five years have been like, "That's not a Buick, that looks too cool to look like a Buick!" Where they're like—

JANINE: That's a bad brand, that they have if that's their, if that's their pitch.

DRE: No, yeah! No, but their whole ad campaign is like,  we know we made some ugly-ass cars, look at these new ones, and they're still pretty ugly.

AUSTIN: God.

ART: Well, it was part of this like, there was a point where like, the average person who bought a Buick was like 68 years old?

DRE: Yeah.

ART: And like, that is not a good…

JANINE: Yeah. that's the thing though, is like, you get the market of people like, "Well, I bought a Buick when I was 20, in 1954, and it served me well for four years, so I bought another one. And now I'm on my 60th Buick, and I love them."

ART: Well, it used to be like, you would like, move up, you would like, I, when I was a kid I bought this Buick— it was Buick, Chevy, or Ford. It was like you bought a Ford and then you got a Buick, and then you got a, whatever.

AUSTIN: Right.

JANINE: Was Buick someone's name, because it's such an unpleasant word.

DRE: Uh, let's see.

ART: [cross] That's a great question, I have no idea.

AUSTIN: [cross] Yeah, it was the last name of the founder, I think.

JANINE: Okay.

AUSTIN: [cross] David Dunbar Buick.

ART: [cross] Jim Buick. Oh.

JANINE: Okay.

AUSTIN: Great name. Scottish-born American.

JANINE: I like the logo.

AUSTIN: Yeah. I agree.

JANINE: It's a nice logo. It looks European.

DRE: Oh man, this guy has a good mustache.

AUSTIN: Yeah, he has a good mustache.

ART: I'm so mad at this convertible though, this is not okay.

AUSTIN: Wait, what was the convertible?

JANINE: Can you link the convertible? All I'm seeing are just blocky, I can't even tell these cars apart, honestly.

ART: What the hell…

DRE: Is it the uh...

ART: Here it is the Cascada luxury convertible.

DRE: Cascade? Yeah. Man... This looks like a convertible out of like, Saint's Row 2 or something.

AUSTIN: [cross] Shoulda had a— oh, definitely, definitely.

JANINE: [cross] Yeah, I was gonna say this looks like a video game car.

AUSTIN: Like one—

JANINE: Like an unlicensed video game car.

AUSTIN: Yup. This car crashes real nice 'cause it's unlicensed, like. [laughter] Fuck, we didn't have a Cascada or Cascada in Twilight Mirage to go along with Cascara and Cascabel? It's the, it's the missing link connection.

DRE: Man, yeah.

ART: There's no front of this car!

AUSTIN: No.

JANINE: This car— if you just look at the front of this car, it looks like a truck! Or like, an SUV or a van, even?

AUSTIN: [cross] Like the profile? Yeah. For the…

JANINE: Something about the profile of it, it feels like a van that has been dismembered.

AUSTIN: Right. Yep.

DRE: Well, I mean…

JANINE: Or like, decapitated. It's so bleak.

DRE: [cross] They, I mean, there was a thing for a while where Ford was building its like, sedans and some of its SUVs on like, the same chassis. So… they could be doing something similar.

ART: This, this is… ugh.

JANINE: Human chassis, is that anything? What would the human chassis be, just the skeleton?

ART: That makes sense, yeah.

AUSTIN: We should talk about the game we're about to play!

JANINE: Uh oh.

[Dre laughs]

AUSTIN: We should actually do that, let's time.is. Sylvia^[1], are you here?

SYLVIA: I am, yes, I am just in…

AUSTIN: No car thoughts, no big…

SYLVIA: Like, my big revelation was oh, that's, that's the Buick logo! I've seen that logo before, I didn't know it was Buick.

JANINE: [laughs] Yeah.

AUSTIN: It's a good, it's a good logo.

JANINE: Same, honestly.

SYLVIA: And then I kinda spent a lot of time struggling to get this website to show me the front of this car. So that's, y'know. Didn't have much to add.

ART: This looks pre-crashed into something, honestly.

AUSTIN: Yeah…

DRE: One last important car thought.

AUSTIN: Yep?

DRE: Fuck Car Talk.

AUSTIN: Yeah. Oh, did you say fuck Car Talk? Yeah, fuck 'em.

DRE: Yeah, fuck Car Talk, yeah.

ART: Yeah.

AUSTIN: You already know what it is. We out here.

ART: It's a car.

AUSTIN: Gettin' paid. Big money. Um…

ART: From our sponsors at Ford.

[Austin laughs]

JANINE: And Big John.

AUSTIN: Oh boy. How do I make this look right? Um…

JANINE: Man, if Big John sponsored us, that'd be amazing.

AUSTIN: That would be so good.

DRE: Wait, who's Big…

JANINE: Can you promise me that— I know, we're never, don't wanna do ads and stuff.

AUSTIN: We don't.

JANINE: But if, if like, Big John or like, Mr. Chris or someone—

AUSTIN: Uh huh.

JANINE: Just for some reason came to us like, hey. We'll give you each a necklace, you just have to say our name once, that we'll do it?

DRE: Who— who are you talking about?

AUSTIN: Oh my god, Dre… we have to record a show.

JANINE: [cross] We can't! [laughs]

AUSTIN: We've already done— we've already done this Clapcast?

DRE: [cross] Okay, yeah yeah yeah. Yeah, no yeah.

JANINE: That's true.

AUSTIN: But… one second.

ART: But it got lost, it's the lost Clapcast.

AUSTIN: [cross] Wait, did we— no we didn't, that came out, that—

DRE: [cross] Is this— is this the PBS show Mr. Chris and friends?

AUSTIN: No.

DRE: Okay.

ART: No, we—

JANINE: I don't think it came out because I remember asking what the deal with Pyrex was, and everyone was just like— [sighs] and I don't remember listening to that as a Clapcast.

DRE: Oh boy.

AUSTIN: No way, the episode, the episode where we looked at all the bad jewelry? That definitely was like, one of the first Clapcasts, wasn't it?

ART: No, it didn't come out.

JANINE: I don't think so.

AUSTIN: What?

ART: Like, there was a problem with the audio or something, it's lost forever.

AUSTIN: What?

ART: I'm sorry you had to find out like this.

JANINE: You sound very upset and I don't blame you.

DRE: Man… guys, don't… I want to show you this website for Mr. Chris and friends, but I also don't… want to.

AUSTIN: Don't. We can't, we have to do a podcast.

DRE: Yeah. It's just bad Mr. Rogers and he also plays a ukulele. There. That's the video.

AUSTIN: Uh, here's the only thing I'm gonna—

JANINE: [cross] That's a different Mr. Chris, I think.

DRE: Yeah.

AUSTIN: Yeah, it is, I'm just gonna, Dre, I'm just gonna put this in here for you real quick?

DRE: Okay?

AUSTIN: Just so you can hear Big John the Jeweler introduce— and like, that's the thing I would have to say on this podcast.

DRE: Wait, do you mean Lil Jon, or Big John.

AUSTIN: Nope.

DRE: Okay. 'Cause at one point there was also that Lil Jon like, buy gold ad floating around on there.

AUSTIN: Nope. Yeah, no, that's not what this is.

DRE: Okay. Another Louisville legend. Lil John. The pawn store owner, not the rapper.

AUSTIN: Right.

DRE: Oh.

AUSTIN: Uh huh!

DRE: [[Suh.]]

AUSTIN: Uh huh.

DRE: Oh, that's a good hand pop, wow.

AUSTIN: He does a good hand pop, y'know. Fresher than a motherfucker, flyer than a plane, so like? You know.

JANINE: He's got it down. Y'know?

DRE: Whose jersey is that?

AUSTIN: I can't quite read it.

DRE: [cross] Yeah, me neither.

SYLVIA: [cross] Yeah, I was trying to, but…

JANINE: [cross] Yeah.

AUSTIN: [cross] It is French Montana, so.

DRE: Oh, okay.

AUSTIN: Uh, what is it, it's number 16, I can't—

DRE: Does it just say Montana on it, though?

AUSTIN: No, it doesn't. I thought it said Nightwing, but it probably doesn't say Nightwing.

JANINE: [cross] [laughs] What if it did?

AUSTIN: French Man— French Montana, big Dick Grayson fan. I love two things: Former Robins and football! Mix that shit together!

ART: It's Joe Montana, right, he was 16, he had a red… played for the Chiefs?

DRE: Probably.

AUSTIN: Yeah, but it actually looks like it says Young, so what if it's like a Steve Young wearing… it's what's it say?

DRE: No, it's too long for Young.

AUSTIN: It doesn't say Montana, there's no way!

DRE: I think it does.

AUSTIN: Maybe it does. I see an H in there, I see a T.

JANINE: I think it says Montana.

AUSTIN: It probably says Montana.

JANINE: Or Ventura.

DRE: Montana was 19 for the Chiefs, though, and that has 16.

AUSTIN: Mmm. See? I can figure this out. French—

JANINE: Oh, it definitely says Montana. If you go to like six seconds, it gets kinda close, you can pause—

AUSTIN: [cross] Oh, you get like a good…

JANINE: It says montana.

SYLVIA: Yeah.

AUSTIN: Okay.

ART: Was he 16 for the Niners, that looked like the same.

JANINE: [cross] Or Montish, but definitely Mont-something.

DRE: [cross] Oh, maybe.

AUSTIN: Yeah, I found a good… shoutouts to splishysplash .com.

DRE: Yeah, he was 16 for the Niners, there you go.

AUSTIN: Uh… because this is just an entire spread of French Mont— I keep saying Montagne, and that's wrong. French Montana's jewelry, and you can see, you can see in this image here, that it is definitely Montana.

DRE: Yeah.

AUSTIN: And yeah, I'd say that's, that's less Chiefs red and more 76er's red. Yeah.

DRE: 49er's.

AUSTIN: What'd I say, 70? I said 76er's?

SYLVIA: Yeah.

AUSTIN: Jesus Christ. Listen, the Eagles are playing right now, I got Philadelphia on my mind, so.

DRE: Yeah.

AUSTIN: That incomplete pass fumble thing was the weirdest thing I've ever seen in my life. Anyway! We should do a clap.

DRE: Mhm!

ART: Ain't no quarterback ever been a good basketball player. Except Charlie Ward.

DRE: So uh…

ART: Forty? Forty five?

JANINE: Forty.

AUSTIN: Forty. Forty.

[clap]

AUSTIN: Sounded good to me. Alright. Are we ready? Deep breath. [everyone takes a deep breath] Any questions before we begin? Shake it out. Alright. We let this one go for a while, and so it's, it's gonna be, it's gonna be one of those. Alright.

[transition music]

[26:46]

AUSTIN: And so it's almost like, you know who I'm imagining him as almost a little bit right now is that hyper-tight cut of— this is, I'm all the way on my shit this game— fuckin, the… what was the name of him in the Old Republic? Um… not the hand of the emperor, what was the… do you know who I'm talking about?

ART: Mara Jade?

AUSTIN: No no no, in the Old Republic, not Knights of the Old Republic, the Old Republic MMO.

DRE: Oh…

AUSTIN: Um, the emperor. The, the like, the bald kid? [sighs] Maybe I'm the only one who remembers this character, I swear to god.

DRE: I feel like I have an image of who you're talking about.

ART: [cross] The bald kid…

AUSTIN: [cross] Oh, this is gonna kill me. Is it… oh my god, it's been so long that you can't even look this up anymore because it's been too long. I know how to find it, 'cause the Jedi knight lets—

ART: That game still exists.

AUSTIN: Yeah, exactly, but it's also, he, that character doesn't matter anymore, there's like seven expansions.

JANINE: They added like three super-emperors.

AUSTIN: Right, exactly, they literally did that exact thing.

ART: Is that real? I wish I knew—

AUSTIN: [cross] Yeah, dude.

ART: I wish I could play that game, I wish I could find that game entertaining enough to play anymore.

AUSTIN: I know, me too. Same.

DRE: Are you talking about the actual— the emperor?

AUSTIN: Is it just the emperor?

DRE: I don't know. There's a guy named uh…

AUSTIN: Not him, that's one of the new emperors! That's the problem!

DRE: Alright. Yeah.

AUSTIN: It's upsetting 'cause I'm trying to find it, 'cause I wanna show you this picture of him.

JANINE: [laughs] Can you find it in like a newbie guide, like a beginner guide?

AUSTIN: [cross] That's what I'm looking for!

JANINE: Just like, here is the baby emperor for babies that you have to deal with.

AUSTIN: I think it's just the Emperor in that game, and I'm not gonna find it, I'm gonna give up— Wookieepedia, I'm gonna search this one last thing. Um and it's…

ART: Have you tried Wookieepedia?

AUSTIN: Uh, that's what I'm, I'm on Wookieepedia, fuck, this is the wrong one again!

JANINE: I was gonna say can you— can you filter your search results by like, pre-2012 or something?

AUSTIN: [cross] By date? Can I just do it, can I just be like hey internet, oh— it was, it is the Emperor's Voice? Is that what that character's name is? Cut all this, Ali.

JANINE: Just, Alan Rickman.

AUSTIN: It's Alan Rickman, you got it.

ART: Togashi Satsu, sorry, I don't know.

JANINE: Is Alan Rickman there now?

AUSTIN: [cross] Yeah, basically, do you see him?

ART: No.

AUSTIN: It is, it is Togashi Satsu, like?

ART: You didn't link it anywhere, I can't see anything.

AUSTIN: I just did, I put it in spring.

ART: Oh.

AUSTIN: It's just bald. It's just like… it's just like…

DRE: [cross] Oh, that guy.

AUSTIN: Yeah, that guy. Who—

ART: Oh, it's a very close crew cut.

JANINE: Was all that just for like oh, he's bald?

[Sylvia laughs]

AUSTIN: No, there's better— there's a better picture of him somewhere that I can't find, but because none of this shit matters anymore, so it's just gone. Anyway. He's… it's… gone, whatever.

JANINE: All the fan artists are gonna hate you, give them a reference they can't even fuckin' find.

ART: [cross] Look, just download the Old Republic, play it for…

AUSTIN: [cross] I know, just, Ali, cut this. Ali, put all this in a Clapcast, 'cause it doesn't matter! Seriously. Keep that pacing tight. So—

[transition music]

[29:45]

DRE: Oh, god. Oh, god, Austin. Just look at what's happening in this Philly game.

ART: So it's probably good? You're saying it's very good?

JANINE: Sounds good. Sounds like they've got some horses on the field and everyone's having a good time.

ART: I mean the, the headline when I went to nfl.com was "Eagles Retake the Lead".

SYLVIA: [cross] Oh, wow.

ART: They didn't tell me the score, but. Oh, it's 16 to 15 with 56 seconds left. Very safe lead. This is how I stay on the Clapcast, I just give sports scores to games that were gonna be six weeks ago at this point. No one else is here, I'm talking to myself!

JANINE: I'm here, I just don't have anything at all to say. [laughs]

DRE: I'm gonna be right back.

ART: I thought you had left, I was just…

JANINE: Damn, this is a good suit! And cape…

ART: What is? What are we looking at?

JANINE: Where do I put this? I guess Twilight Mirage, but that's so unfair it has to be relegated to the past.

ART: We don't have a season six chat yet.

JANINE: That's true.

ART: We should probably just be renaming Twilight Mirage, right? We don't really need a Twilight Mirage chat anymore, do we?

AUSTIN: We don't.

ART: I understand that it's sentimental.

AUSTIN: I mean, wait, did we not, did we get rid of it?

ART: No, it's there.

AUSTIN: Oh, yeah. ...That's good. Save that for six.

JANINE: Yeah…

AUSTIN: Did I put that thing in that I liked for six in general chat? The, yeah, I did. The like, sleeves that are like, terrariums?

JANINE: Yeah.

AUSTIN: Yeah. Lots of—

JANINE: Those are based on uh, Filipino national dress.

AUSTIN: Oh, really? That's really cool.

JANINE: Yeah. The… I wanna say Imelda Marcos, she was really famous for wearing, for wearing those dresses? They originally were like, two pieces and devised by uh, colonists, colonists so that the women would wear tops.

AUSTIN: Mm.

JANINE: It was a sheer sort of top layer with the big sleeves. Because they didn't want all those topless women running around. Very godless.

AUSTIN: Ah, right, of course.

JANINE: They are very beautiful dresses though, they also— Filipino mens' suits are fucking amazing, I— barongs, I think?

AUSTIN: Mhm.

JANINE: They're just like, highly embroidered, usually partially sheer like, suits with mandarin collars? They're very nice.

AUSTIN: Mhm!

JANINE: They have fantastic fashion.

ART: So…

AUSTIN: What hap— what is happening in this Eagles game, Art?

ART: It's apparently 16 to 15 with less than a minute left.

AUSTIN: So that did stand, okay. There's like, I'm looking at the NFL Timeline, and they sent two videos out of order in a way that confused me a lot. There was a touchdown 33 minutes ago for Chicago that, there was a flag, but it was past interference defense, so that was declined, and then the next video is from the score— before the score changed? So. Very confusing for me.

ART: I'm watching this music video right now, because um… I was thinking about this country song about uh. Bargaining with god. Um, I mean only the third chorus is about bargaining with god, but like, I was getting there. And this 1994 music video is like, the cheesiest thing I've ever seen? And this is fuckin' Tim McGraw, he, this was his second number one hit, you'd think he would have access to just anything. But like… this looks like—

JANINE: Isn't that how like, every music video looked before like, 1998, though?

ART: I don't know, I'm gonna link you to this, it's, it's… I could do better than this like, over the weekend, I feel like.

JANINE: Did you see that Ace of Base video where they're just flying in the air? But like, standing? For three minutes, like?

AUSTIN: It was a different time. People thought that was cool.

DRE: Hello.

AUSTIN: Flight. Hey.

DRE: God, this, I just saw the score of this game.

AUSTIN: I don't wanna talk about it. Except that I'm trying to find an illegal stream right now.

JANINE: Right, this is— this is also the period of music videos where everyone was like bloom! Brightness! They all had to make things, they had to make their footage look like a fuckin', 2011 MMO.

ART: Yeah, he's just standing on this little like, disc as like, bad Dateline reenactments of the thing he's talking about happen?

JANINE: Dateline doesn't… Dateline doesn't skew their camera like this.

ART: Well, maybe they should.

SYLVIA: Whenever I see him with the hat on, it's just so big compared to him that I am like oh, somebody shrunk the Undertaker.

[laughter]

JANINE: This girl's gonna die, right, is that where this is going?

ART: It's, it's inconclusive?

AUSTIN: I'm gonna watch this Eagles play and see if it's… okay.

DRE: [cross] Oh boy. Oh boy.

AUSTIN: [sighs] It's coming down to a field goal, and after this is over, we can finish this game.

ART: Oh, I though Philly had the ball.

AUSTIN: No, no, it's a field goal, ten seconds left on the clock. Freezing the kicker.

DRE: Mhm. You've gotta ice him.

AUSTIN: Gotta.

ART: You see that the, the… Seahawks yesterday their kicker got injured and they like, didn't trust the punter enough to even like, try it?

AUSTIN: Oh jeez, no.

DRE: Fucked up.

AUSTIN: Oh my god!! It bounced off the upright! [Dre groans] They fuckin' lo— [groans]

DRE: See? I didn't wanna say it…

AUSTIN: I'm so sorry to Patrick and Rob! Unbelievable!

DRE: I didn't wanna say it, Cody Parkey has kinda been ass this year.

AUSTIN: Unbelievable! Unbelievable!

SYLVIA: Um… A friend of mine tweeted before the kick a screencap of him going up, with just the caption "this man is literally going to be murdered tonight." Like, either way, kinda, yeah. Holy shit.

AUSTIN: Holy shit!

DRE: Welp. My sister in Philly will probably send me some ridiculous pictures and videos later.

AUSTIN: Are you, oh yeah, of course.

[Dre laughs]

[transition music]

[36:25]

AUSTIN: It is cold…

ALI: Yeah.

JACK: I saw the other— is like, it's like um… it got down to like…

AUSTIN: It's under freezing now.

JACK: 21?

ALI: Yeah. Oh, is it?

JACK: Not right now, but like yesterday it was like 21 in Brooklyn, apparently. So I'm…

AUSTIN: It's 25 right now, here.

JACK: Jesus. That is… -3!

AUSTIN: It's, yeah, it's low, it's too low.

JACK: Nearly -4. Right now, it is… let's see. I've been really disappointed because it hasn't been sunny.

AUSTIN: That's not how California's supposed to be.

JACK: It's… 55 right now.

AUSTIN: That's… I could live with that, honestly.

JACK: Yeah…

AUSTIN: God, I extremely just wanna be in a bed.

ALI: Aw…

JACK: Oh, Austin!

AUSTIN: It's fine, it's fine. It's fine.

JACK: We'll just do Friends at the Table, slumber party edition.

AUSTIN: That's it.

ALI: Oooh.

JACK: Where we all, one of my favorite things about doing the Nancy Drew LPs was that I just had like, Apple headphones and could sit wherever I wanted?

AUSTIN: [cross] Right. Right. Yeah.

JACK: It'd be really good to do like, a fuckin' Bluff City or something.

AUSTIN: Mhm.

JACK: We just lie down.

AUSTIN: [sighs] I got a weighted blanket, my mom got me a weighted blanket.

JACK: Oh, how are they?

AUSTIN: Really good.

ALI: [laughs] Oh no.

AUSTIN: It's really good. I'm not under it right now.

JACK: Damn, should I get a weighted blanket?

AUSTIN: Maybe! It's really good.

ALI: I really want one.

JACK: What's the— what's the weight on your weighted blanket?

AUSTIN: 20 pounds. Of weight.

ALI: Oooh!

AUSTIN: Yeah.

ALI: I know that it comes in like, different weights, and like…

AUSTIN: Yeah… It's um. It's uh, it's really good. It's like little, I don't know if it's like ball bearings or something in there, but it's like comfortable.

JACK: They're glass beads, apparently?

AUSTIN: Wow. I believe it. [yawns] It feels great. That's what I know.

JACK: Yeah, I, I… I was moving some mattresses around before Christmas.

AUSTIN: Like you do.

JACK: [laughs] Like you do, and I wanted to see what it would be like if I lay on one mattress and had the other one on top of me like a duvet? And the answer is great.

AUSTIN: Yeah.

JACK: It feels like a sandwich!

AUSTIN: Yeah. I would love it. Just, you know those lead, those lead things from the dentist? Lead blanket type thing?

JACK: Oh, yeah, to stop you getting all fucked up when they do the x-rays and shit?

AUSTIN: Honestly, just put it on top of me and let me finally, finally sleep.

JACK: Yeah…

[laughter]

ALI: Yeah, the, the reason I want a weighted blanket is 'cause of when the um, dentist puts like an x-ray thing on you, it's like oh, this is.

AUSTIN: [cross] Yeah, that's what I'm talking— it's great!

ALI:The most comfortable I've ever been.

AUSTIN: It really is! Same, exactly!

JACK: And you're about to be told that your mouth's all fucked up.

AUSTIN: Yeah!

JACK: Could they, do they keep it on when they do all the surgery and shit?

AUSTIN: No, I wish. God, I wish. That would make it all so much better.

JACK: [cross] I bet they would if you— I bet they would if you asked them.

AUSTIN: I bet they would. It's big, it's in the way.

ALI: You should ask. No!

JACK: It's not in the way for them, right?

ALI: [cross] They could— yeah.

AUSTIN: Everything about being at the dentist makes me feel like I'm in the way. So… Which is like the worst human feeling.

ALI: [cross] [laughs] I don't like your dentist.

AUSTIN: Yeah, me fuckin' either. I need to call them tomorrow and schedule a thing.

JACK: And, and, and fire them.

AUSTIN: And fire them. And pay them a lot of money.

ALI: I feel like my dentist is close enough to the train station that you should just be taking that train to— [laughs]

AUSTIN: [cross] Yeah… God…

ALI: Um, just being with that weirdo, 'cause he is a weirdo, but at least you just went in there and do what you need done.

JACK: My, my dentist is also a weirdo, but I like him. He used to, he was training to be a vet.

ALI: Oh!

JACK: Like a long time ago? I don't think there's any risk of him sort of getting confused, but. But he was, he, you know, he was at that dentist point where he had his hands in my mouth and he said "I, you know I was a vet before, and then I decided dentistry was the thing," and I don't know if that's comforting or not to hear? But it was like, you know. It was a bonding moment.

AUSTIN: Yeah. That's something. I don't know, I wouldn't mind that.

JACK: [cross] I guess lions and shit?

AUSTIN: [cross] I feel like my dentist is gonna tell him, he used to be in imports exports and like… You know, you know what I'm sayin'?

JACK: Mm. There's that great bit in Fargo where it's revealed that Malvo was pretending to be a dentist.

AUSTIN: Yeah, that's  a great bit.

JACK: Successfully, for like six months!

AUSTIN: Yeah, a long time! It was surprising.

JACK: The worst dentist.

AUSTIN: [sighs] Dentists…

JACK: A friend of mine's cat had seven teeth removed the other day?

AUSTIN: How many teeth do cats have?

JACK: How many teeth do cats have? Hey google?

KEITH: [singsong, rising in pitch] Hello, hello, hello! Hey everybody!

JACK: Hey! 26.

KEITH: Oh— oh.

AUSTIN: Hey, Keith.

JACK: Hey Keith?

KEITH: Hey, sorry, hold on. Here we go, headphones weren't plugged in.

AUSTIN: [cross] That's a problem right there, hi.

JACK: [cross] Hey, you made it!

KEITH: I made it! Sorry I'm a little bit late.

AUSTIN: [cross] No worries, same.

JACK: [cross] No, don't worry about it! Is everything okay with your computer?

KEITH: Yeah, it, every once in a while it takes a little while to, to boot, um, and I think it's because I was working with that broken case for so long? So I'm just gonna have to figure out which— nothing's wrong with the computer except for like every fifth time I turn it on, it takes… fifteen, twenty minutes?

AUSTIN: Yeah…

JACK: Hm.

KEITH: And it's usually not a probably, 'cause I usually don't shut the computer off, and there's no side effects to that, it seems. It wakes up from boot— from sleep mode totally fine? But when I've got some extra cash I'm just gonna try and figure out which, which piece is broken and replace it. It's probably my motherboard.

AUSTIN: [cross] Right. That's a problem. As someone who has the same situation…

KEITH: Motherboard? Ah, nah, it's like, there's like a billion, hundred fifty bucks, everything.

AUSTIN: No, but like, but then you gotta get the rest of the stuff.

JACK: You gotta get one of those—

KEITH: No, you just gotta get a motherboard that's compatible with all the stuff I already have, I have an, an A3 plus motherboard.

AUSTIN: [cross] So you've just gotta replace it with the same one.

KEITH: Yeah— I'm just gonna get a better version of the same compatibility, I think it's A3 plus compatible is what I have?

AUSTIN: [cross] So I— So I am at the top end of what my like, RAM and chipset are? I got, I can't— a new motherboard for me means starting fresh. Except for…

KEITH: I did that the last time I replaced my motherboard, I was in that boat. And I had to replace everything, yeah.

AUSTIN: I wanna do it before Anthem, and…

KEITH: Although, I still have DDR3.

AUSTIN: That's the RAM you have.

KEITH: Yeah…

AUSTIN: They're on four now.

KEITH: They're on four now, right?

JACK: You gotta get one of those laptops.

KEITH: Or is that just for… Is that just, laptops? I have a laptop.

JACK: With the little screen in!

KEITH: Oh, one of those laptops!

AUSTIN: Oh, the one with the little screen in.

KEITH: Did you all see that? The Intel…

AUSTIN: Oh we saw, we saw.

[Jack laughs]

KEITH: Oh my god.

JACK: Oh, it's so fucked up!

KEITH: So funny, it's like such—

JACK: [cross] It's great!

KEITH: It's like um, it's like when you watch, it's like when you see like someone that, it's— one of those tweets that's like we taught, we did machine learning to teach someone how to figure out what kind of computer to build! And it's like, okay, I see how a machine could think that this would be a good idea. But I presume that there's human people at Intel that did this.

AUSTIN: Yeah…

JACK: Who knows!

KEITH: Or I guess ASUS, it's an ASUS— ASUS Zenbook.

JACK: I would be— I would be equally surprised if I looked down there and there was a little fuckin' fishtank within it? [laughter] And that's not good!

KEITH: [cross] That would be great! I would love that! You'd have to get small enough fish. 'Cause I want them to have enough room.

JACK: Ali and I will, will be able to help you out.

[Ali giggles]

KEITH: Oh yeah? How long will it take do you think to figure out the best fish for this?

ALI: Okay, figuring out the best fish are only— it's only gonna take about a week or so.

JACK: Yeah.

ALI: 'Cause there's a lot of them, but not that many.

KEITH: Okay.

ALI: But figuring out how to get them in there and cared for is gonna be another month.

JACK: [cross] [laughs] Yeah.

KEITH: Okay.

AUSTIN: Mhm. How do you get food in? That seems tough.

ALI: USB.

KEITH: Sliding door.

AUSTIN: It's USB. USB, not sliding door.

[Ali laughs]

KEITH: [cross] Oh, USB works.

JACK: [cross] Fish, fish feed USB.

AUSTIN: It's a USB key that has a sliding door on it so you put in the USB key, then you open the sliding door that's on the top of the USB key.

ALI: [cross] Right.

AUSTIN: The water comes in, you just, you put in the, it's like a plunger, you put in the fish food, then you depress the plunger and it injects it in there.

JACK: Wow, Morning's Observation, Morning's Observation showed up!

[laughter]

AUSTIN: Yeah.

KEITH: I just got a, I got a new notification, a new radion software updates are available! I bet they are.

AUSTIN: Mhm.

KEITH: I bet there's something new to install onto this machine that just took twenty minutes to turn on.

JACK: Jesus.

AUSTIN: Hey, you know, you guys know that um, that thing that I loved a few years ago that was garbage? The Yoga book?

KEITH: [cross] Which one?

AUSTIN: Yeah, uh huh.

KEITH: [cross] Yeah, yeah, yeah, the one with the um, the screen as a keyboard. The whole…

AUSTIN: Yeah, that one.

KEITH: The whole keyboard was a screen.

AUSTIN: The whole keyboard was a screen, the Yoga Book, it just won best innovations computer hardware and components at CES?

[laughter]

ALI: Oooh!

JACK: Did it really?

AUSTIN: It did, but here's the thing, I bought it two years ago! So how… how is it all that innovative?

KEITH: And returned it, also two years ago.

AUSTIN: Also, yes, instantly. Loved it for three days, and went—

KEITH: It looked great, right? It looked really cool.

AUSTIN: It's the coolest thing I've ever seen.

KEITH: Maybe that's the thing was that they made a new one, and they said this time you can't touch before you judge.

AUSTIN: Yeah, no touching.

KEITH: You have to just look at it.

AUSTIN: Give us the award.

JACK: Did they make a sequel? Is this Yoga Book 2 that we're thinking of?

AUSTIN: [cross] It's the Yoga Book c930.

KEITH: [cross] Yeah, it's the, it's the Bikram yoga book.

AUSTIN: Yeah— god.

JACK: The Bikram, the hot yoga book. [Keith laughs] The c930?

AUSTIN: c930.

JACK: Oh yeah! This looks fucked up!

AUSTIN: Do you— do you know what Lenovo's slogan is, per their website?

JACK: Don't buy it!

[Keith laughs]

AUSTIN: No, just like, their general… If I just, I did a search and it says Lenovo Yoga Book c930, and there's like the bar, like the little line, and then next to it is the logo, or the slogan.

JACK: [cross] Oh. What's the slogan?

KEITH: Take a step into tomorrow!

AUSTIN: That's way better than what it is.

KEITH: Wow.

AUSTIN: Keep, keep trying.

KEITH: Ta— stand still.

JACK: [cross] Computers!

KEITH: [laughs] Stand still! Don't move forwards.

AUSTIN: [laughs] Oh, that'd be a good one. It says here, it says "We make the deals exclusive!"

KEITH: What, wait, what?

[Jack laughs]

AUSTIN: We make the deals exclusive! Lenovo.

JACK: God, the Deals Exclusive is a great hitman name.

AUSTIN: Oh, the Deals Exclusive, that's a good, that's a good spaceship, also? The Deals Exclusive.

JACK: I'm writing that in my ships document now, the Deals Exclusive.

KEITH: We make— we make the deals exclusive—

AUSTIN: [cross] We make the deals exclusive!

KEITH: Is an excellent uh, slogan for any business from Blough City.

AUSTIN: Oh absolutely! A hundred percent!

JACK: The problem with we make the deals exclusive is it has the exact same cadence as trip the light fantastic? And it's fucking me up!

[Austin laughs]

KEITH: Okay, so I went to lenovo.com, I don't see it there!

AUSTIN: It's not spot— it's not there, but look, look, I'll send you the picture, I'll send you the picture here. And then I'll send you some other stuff also, hold up. 'Cause there's this—

KEITH: We.

AUSTIN: We.

KEITH: We make the deals exclusive.

AUSTIN: We make the deals—

JACK: No, we make the deals exclusive.

AUSTIN: No, we make the deals—!

KEITH: It does say that! Yeah, just on like the, the ad like, when you search Lenovo, google's like you probably want an ad for Lenovo!

AUSTIN: It's not just there! There's like other ads that say it, if you just search—

KEITH: [dissolving into laughter] We make the deals exclusive…

AUSTIN: Over on encyclopedia.com there's an ad running that is for a different Lenovo product.

KEITH: I can't tell— I can't tell what they mean?

AUSTIN: We either! What's it mean!

[laughter]

KEITH: What does it mean! I thought I had more, but yeah, I just don't know what they're talking about! Is it we make— is it, do you think that exclusive is like… is, was added by accident? Is it supposed to be "we make the deals"? And the ad is exclusive?

ALI: So you go to—

AUSTIN: Go ahead.

ALI: If you go to lenovo.com, it says "We are Lenovo", so maybe they're doing this whole like we advertisement?

AUSTIN: [cross] We, yeah, I got you.

KEITH: We are Lenovo, and we make the deals exclusive.

ALI: Right.

AUSTIN: Um, I did a search, a search for just we make the deals exclusive, an image search, and the top hit is for someone searching for T-Series, and it's a Lenovo T-Series thing, and it says, T-Series business sale, we make the deals exclusive, and at the bottom, someone has just written in text, "Lenovo was not on our side. This is not epic."

KEITH: Oh my god.

ALI: So— [laughs] On Lenovo's about us, culture section, it says—

AUSTIN: Thank you.

ALI: "We are Lenovo, we do what we say."

AUSTIN: Ooh.

ALI: "We own what we do. We also like to cap— constantly wow our customers." Which is a little out of left field and not as good as the first two, but sure.

AUSTIN: [cross] Yeah. That one's just kinda rolling with it I guess.

KEITH: This is not epic.

AUSTIN: Not epic.

KEITH: Did I ever tell— did I ever tell on this show what uh, Kyle, my co-host from RunButton, when he realized that calling things epic was done for forever?

AUSTIN: No, what was the time for him? When did he put that together?

KEITH: It was during E3 like a decade ago? Or, it was when they were announcing like, the second generation of Xbox 360s, and uh, whoever was onstage at the time, whoever was, I guess the CEO of uh, of, or the Xbox division head or whatever, said that the new Xbox 360 came in three all new, epic SKUs!

AUSTIN: [laughs] Oh, no…

KEITH: It's like, okay, alright, no one, we're not, it's never coming back, epic is done, SKUs are now epic.

AUSTIN: SKUs are now epic. S-k-u's.

KEITH: Yeah, s-k-u-s.

AUSTIN: Oh my god. Keyboards—

KEITH: Three epic SKUs.

AUSTIN: "Keyboards stretching from early typewriters to contemporary desktop PCs offer a fixed configuration, demanding that people adjust their typing style to whatever device they use. Small hands? Get ready to stretch those fingers. Big hands? Brace for cramps! Just imagine using the same keyboard as a ten year old student as a twenty-five year old basketball player, professional basketball player. Even with Lenovo's wide range of hardware solutions, it can be hard to find the right fit." I like that they wrote that whole paragraph and then someone was like, listen, shoutouts to the keyboard people, they're trying their best in the keyboard department, just put in a, put in a sentence that says like, we're trying our best on keyboards. Anyway, this whole thing is about how the shitty laptop I like has a virtual e-ink keyboard that is adaptive? And they use the phrase, the term "more inclusive."

JACK: Now— [sighs]

KEITH: An all new, diverse keyboard.

AUSTIN: Finally.

JACK: Is your keyboard feminist?

[Keith laughs]

AUSTIN: Dammit…

JACK: Jesus Christ. Should we clap? Should we get this show on the road?

ALI: Uh, well, are y'all on roll20?

AUSTIN: [cross] Oh wow, this gif is great, actually wait one second. Sorry.

JACK: [cross] Oh, I am not in roll20 Ali, that is a great point.

KEITH: [cross] Oh, I'm like one click away.

AUSTIN: Oh wait that's not a gif, that's a, that's a ping. This is a gif.

JACK: That's not— oh, here we go.

KEITH: A ping?

AUSTIN: A pin— a ping.

JACK: Yeah, that's what everyone calls them.

AUSTIN: A pinge.

JACK: N— mmm. That's not what people call them.

AUSTIN: That gif load up?

KEITH: I like pinge.

AUSTIN: look at the keys.

JACK:No, I don't.

KEITH: I just say png, but I like pinge. It's not loading for me.

AUSTIN: [cross] Click through.

JACK: [cross] Wow…

ALI: [cross] [gasps] They animate!

AUSTIN: They animate now, they animated they keyboard, the virtual keyboard.

JACK: [cross] They animate… With a kind of frightening latency.

ALI: [cross] Wow…

KEITH: [cross] Wow, and there's only, yeah, there's only a little bit of delay, like I don't know, half a second!

AUSTIN: [cross] It's really bad!

ALI: [laughs] That O isn't doing well.

AUSTIN: It's really bad! Oh boy…

KEITH: What, what I want is, do you remember when, I think it was maybe Blackberry was like, we're tryin' again! And they put out a phone that um, you could feel the screen click when you pressed on a key?

JACK: Oh yeah, like fucked up haptics.

AUSTIN: Yes.

KEITH: Yeah, like super fucked up haptics. Like, like localized haptics. Where you could feel it like, under your finger. I want it to do that. I want it to do that.

AUSTIN: Same! It does not do that. Oh wait! It does say that! It does say that.

KEITH: Oh, really? Well, I'm buying one. [laughs] I liked it, it looks like it has like a small, like electric fence between the two where the hinge is supposed to be?

AUSTIN: Oh yeah, it's great, they're not allowed to touch. It's just a great-looking device, it really is just pretty.

KEITH: It really is very pretty.

AUSTIN: Look at this thing I just popped in here.

KEITH: I mean yeah, it's like two, it's like two beautiful sleek tablets connected by a very small electric fence.

AUSTIN: [cross] An electric fence, yeah. [Keith laughs] God. Alright, we should clap.

ALI: I like the watch thing they do.

AUSTIN: I do too!

KEITH: The thing I really love about it is the idea—

ALI: [cross] Anyway, it's time to clap.

KEITH: It is time to clap. I, but I just need to say, I wanna read a book on my keyboard.

AUSTIN: [amused] Well, I've got a different computer for you.

KEITH: But not as much—

AUSTIN: 'Cause there's this one that instead of a mousepad, just has a window screen.

KEITH: But that's, I don't think that's e-ink though, right?

AUSTIN: Oh, probably not.

KEITH: Probably not, I think that's LCD— LED probably.

AUSTIN: Yeah. That's the thing is that's an e-ink keyboard. Which…

ALI: [cross] But that's a perfect device!

KEITH: [cross] I wanna, I wanna read a magazine— [laughs] Yeah, no!

AUSTIN: It's perfect, that's what I'm saying.

ALI: 'Cause you have everything else on one side, and the books on the other!

AUSTIN: And the books on the other, that's where I want my book to be.

ALI: Wow…

KEITH: Yeah. How does it know that you're not trying to… interact with the screen and instead you're trying to use the mouse?

JACK: [cross] Don't—

KEITH: No, okay, yeah, good point. Sorry!

[laughter]

ALI: Uh, 05?

AUSTIN: 05.

JACK: 05.

ALI: Clap at 05?

AUSTIN: That feels so far away.

JACK: We're just giving ourselves a nice run-up time.

AUSTIN: I like it.

[clap]

AUSTIN: [cross] That sounded good to me.

KEITH:  [cross] You know, now that 05's come and gone, it felt like no time at all.

AUSTIN: Yeah. Ali, did you forget to clap?

ALI: I did clap.

AUSTIN: Okay, then we're good!

KEITH: [cross] I clapped.

AUSTIN: I think we're good.

JACK: [cross] I clapped.

ALI: I heard my clap and then everyone else's so I thought I fucked up.

KEITH: No, no, that's how it's supposed to go.

ALI: Oh!

KEITH: Yeah.

AUSTIN: Nice, nice, nice. Alright. What's this thing we do?

ALI: I don't know.

KEITH: What do you mean?

AUSTIN: What's the, what is the… podcast? What is this?

KEITH: A podcast.

JACK: Those are the words, the magic words to invoke Friends at the Table.

AUSTIN: Gotcha. Alright.

[exit music]