Transcribed by Meko
KEITH: My, uh, my couch, I don’t—did I talk about my couch when I moved into my current place? We had a really bad couch that was—a friend sold us for twenty dollars and our cats destroyed it, and Isaac’s parents gave us a leather couch, a nice leather couch that they were getting rid of because they were buying new couches for themselves. Like, “You can have this couch, it’s really nice,” and we brought—our living room is upstairs which is weird. And it didn’t fit up the staircase, and so I had to pry the molding off of the bottom of the couch. So it is—I took the pegs off, so that lowered it by like four inches and then it still was too big so I had to pry the molding off with a crowbar and a hammer.
JANINE: It isn’t one of those ones where the backs detach gently, right?
KEITH: No, no.
JANINE: Okay.
KEITH: It’s a full—yeah.
JANINE: ‘Cause we had—
KEITH: Oh, I tried to de-upholster it also, that didn’t work.
JANINE: Oh Jesus, no.
KEITH: No, that didn’t work. And it still didn’t fit even after I took the molding off. So I just kind of like—our friend who was there helping us left before I got it up. I was like, “Don’t worry about the couch, we’ll figure something out,” and out of pure frustration, I pushed it vertically up the stairwell solo and I had Isaac—
JANINE: Oh boy.
KEITH: —guide it back down onto the ground on the other side. And it worked! I scratched the shit out of the walls when I did it, but I did get it up there. And my landlord was very cool about —that I scratched and dented up the walls. He was like, “Yeah, that’s what happens when you move in!”
JANINE: Eh.
KEITH: Which was nice. He was like, “I have spackle and paint, here you go!”
JANINE: Aw.
KEITH: It was just in the basement. He’s a weird guy. He looks like if Mark Ruffalo had a few rough years.
AUSTIN: Jeez.
KEITH: But in like a—
JANINE: So Mark Roughalo, R-O-U-G-H.
[Keith guffaws]
JANINE: Jokes are best, I find, when you have to spell them out.
AUSTIN: Mm.
JANINE: Also, it’s called Home Design, or Home Design 3D. It just says Home Design on the screen which is so vague, but.
AUSTIN: I got it, yeah, awesome.
ART: Can you all hear me?
AUSTIN: Yeah.
KEITH: I can hear you. Yeah.
ART: Alright, great.
KEITH: Just now. I couldn’t before.
AUSTIN: Yeah, before if you saying anything we definitely couldn’t hear you then.
ART: Doesn’t matter. It’s over. This is—
AUSTIN: Great.
KEITH: Nice.
ART: Today is the day.
KEITH: Love that attitude.
AUSTIN: Oh, today is the day?
ART: Yeah. Yesterday—honestly, not even yesterday, three minutes ago—irrelevant.
AUSTIN: Right. Now is the now.
KEITH: Nothing’s mattered before this.
AUSTIN: This is the only moment.
KEITH: Anything you thought your life was, forget it.
AUSTIN: It’s over.
ART: Yeah.
KEITH: It’s over now.
AUSTIN: We live in a new world. A world where we can hear Art [Keith laughs]. A better world.
JACK: Hi.
AUSTIN: Hi.
JANINE: Hey.
KEITH: Hello.
JACK: Are we trying to aim for a better world?
AUSTIN: Yeah, we’re here for [laughs]—we’re in a better world, and you can tell it’s a better world—
KEITH: Where we can hear Art.
AUSTIN: It’s one where you can hear Art.
ART: Hey.
JACK: Oh, that’s always a better world for me. Hi, Art! How’s it going?
ART: Great!
AUSTIN: See! Welcome to the better world.
ART: Nothing bad was happening.
JACK: Is it nice in Los Angeles, the city I just left?
ART: It’s rainy and cold, so—
JACK: Same here, so, you know.
ART: Same hat.
AUSTIN: Let’s trade.
KEITH: Change of pace, it’s incredibly hot here.
[Jack chuckles]
AUSTIN: Yeah, all the East Coasters here are like, “Aughhhhh.”
JACK: I cannot even believe it. I got back to the UK like three days ago and for the first three days, the weather was just gorgeous, just perfect late-spring, early-summer weather. And then it realized I’d got home, and immediately started raining.
[Janine laughs]
KEITH: Oh, damn.
JACK: And it’s gonna be like that for the next week, so, like...thank you.
KEITH: I feel like I missed out on any real sort of good spring weather. It was rainy—it was like cloudy and rainy here for almost three full weeks.
JACK: Oh my God.
KEITH: Then there was a few days where it was nice and then now it’s 92.
JACK: Are you in Rhode Island, Keith?
KEITH: Yeah, mm-hm.
JACK: Yeah, so it’s like East Coast.
KEITH: It’s probably more like 88, but it is very, very hot inside.
JACK: I’m gonna have to learn Farenheit.
KEITH: I can—if we make it hotter I can do Celsius.
[Jack laughs]
KEITH: Anything—
JACK: 31! 88 is hot!
ART: Yeah.
AUSTIN: It is.
KEITH: I—If it’s 70 Celsius and above, I can do it. I know what that is like. But anything below that I don’t know.
JACK: That’s not what you’d expect.
AUSTIN: You don’t know zero? You know what zero is.
KEITH: Okay, I know zero. Zero’s good. And I—yeah.
AUSTIN: You can like, intuit around zero. Where does it stop being intuitive?
JACK: One.
KEITH: Well, Celsius is weird because the conversion isn’t a flat conversion.
AUSTIN: No, it’s not.
KEITH: It’s like a progressive conversion.
AUSTIN: Yeah.
KEITH: So it’s like—
JANINE: Isn’t that ‘cause Farenheit is based on perception or something?
AUSTIN: Um—
JANINE: What are the—something.
ART: No, neither of these are based on perception. They’re both measurable.
AUSTIN: But measurement is perception, right? So all measurement is perception.
ART: I...guess, but this is with a little tube full of mercury.
AUSTIN: Right. What you’re perceiving is how the mercury changes and the mercury is perceiving a change in temperature.
ART: No, the mercury doesn’t have perceptions.
AUSTIN: It does.
JANINE: I mean also the mercury is dependant on—the rate of the mercury is dependant on the little numbers we draw beside it, so that part’s not—like mercury 100 doesn’t mean anything until we put the 100 beside it, so it’s not—you know what I mean? It could still just be we decided 100 is too hot so we put the 100 at the mark where the mercury goes when it’s too hot.
AUSTIN: Right. I understand 100 Farenheit is a number that corresponds to a specific thing happening.
KEITH: Which is that it’s too hot.
AUSTIN: [laughs] Which is that it’s too hot.
ART: Yeah, too hot.
AUSTIN: It’s like, that’s the point at which anyone goes “Eeeeee.”
KEITH: [cross] That’s too hot. We can all agree. We all agree this is too hot.
AUSTIN: Yeah. Yeah, uh-huh [laughs].
KEITH: No one is ever like, “You know what’s great? A perfect sunny 100-degree day.”
JACK: I know some people are! And it’s those worms that live at the bottom of the ocean.
JANINE: Lizards. Oh [laughs].
AUSTIN: Yeah, uh-huh. Yeah.
KEITH: For—just for clear purpose for everyone out there, 100 degrees is 37.7 Celsius.
AUSTIN: Thank you. Seems hot.
KEITH: Seems hot.
JANINE: Wait—
ART: This came up in the—recently, Jess and I have been enjoying the Bella Twins podcast, can’t recommend it enough, and one of the segments—
AUSTIN: I thought that was the name of the podcast, was “Can’t Recommend It Enough.” [laughs]
ART: Can’t recommend it enough.
KEITH: Oh.
ART: That’s not—We should call our podcast that [Austin laughs]. Friends at the Table: Can’t Recommend It Enough. But they do a quiz every week where Daniel Bryan comes and quizzes them on things, and one of the recent ones was like “What temperature does water freeze in Celsius and Farenheit,” and it was a struggle for the Bellas—
AUSTIN: Okay.
AUSTIN: —who have never lived in a cold climate, to be fair. But it—
AUSTIN: Oh, like ever?
ART: Yeah, they grew up in Arizona and now live in California, where water does not freeze on its own. You don’t need to know that here.
JACK: Mm.
KEITH: And also, they don’t use Celsius.
JACK: So, Celsius is very easy when water freezes, that one’s zero.
AUSTIN: Uh-huh.
JACK: That’s the best possible—
KEITH: Water boil is also really easy with Celsius.
JACK: That’s 100. Zero to—I feel like those two are kind of the bellwether by which the measurement scale should go. Now—
AUSTIN: Except I don’t care about anything from like—anything above 40 Celsisus, in my daily life, is meaningless. ‘Cause it’s all the same. It’s all too fucking hot for me. Like—
KEITH: Yeah.
JACK: Yeah.
AUSTIN: 40, I don’t want to be there.
KEITH: It’s like the temperature of water. Like that’s—
AUSTIN: It’s great for scientists, but I’m not one.
JACK: [indignant] Or cooks!
JANINE: What if you want to gently dehydrate some fruit?
AUSTIN: Cooks are scientists! If you’re de—if you’re doing the thing Janine just said, you’re a scientist.
KEITH: If I—yeah.
ART: Congratulations.
KEITH: In my daily life, I use Celsius, grams, and milliliters all the time, and they’re very useful. But the thing that Celsius is not useful for is describing how I feel temperature-wise.
AUSTIN: Right. Right.
KEITH: ‘Cause Farenheit is, you get more options!
JACK: Okay, I’m going to take a guess at when water freezes in Farenheit.
KEITH: You should do boils too, ‘cause it’s nuts.
JANINE: Wait—
ART: Yeah, Jess did not know the boiling temperature of water in Farenheit.
AUSTIN: It’s great.
ART: I was surprised at her because she is a doctor.
AUSTIN: It’s a different kind of doctor.
JANINE: Grams—are grams and milliliters the same, is that the one? Or is that—
JACK: No, it’s...kilograms.
JANINE: Kilograms and—
KEITH: What, no, no, no—
AUSTIN: No.
JACK: One liter weighs a kilogram.
JANINE: Right. Okay.
KEITH: Yeah. So one gram weighs one milliliter.
ART: Of—it should be noted, of water.
KEITH: Of water, right.
AUSTIN: Right.
KEITH: It’s equally—
ART: Not of everything.
KEITH: Right, yes.
JANINE: Yes.
JACK: Wait, no, doesn’t everything weigh—
AUSTIN: Mmmmm.
JANINE: Just because it can be measured—well it’s—
JACK: No—
AUSTIN: Well, because one of those is—
JANINE: If someone tells you you need x weight of this liquid, you can measure the liter and then—so.
JACK: Oh yeah, true.
JANINE: I think with solids you’d get an issue of volume and density and air—
AUSTIN: Right, yes. I think that’s even true with liquids, some liquids are denser than other liquids, right?
ART: Yeah, molten lead is heavier than water.
AUSTIN: Yeah. So a liter of it—the volume of it would be—
JACK: Wait, wouldn’t—hang on.
AUSTIN: The weight and the volume would not be equal, right?
KEITH: Right.
JACK: Wait, but like—isn’t a liter of water the same as a liter of lead?
AUSTIN: No, ‘cause—this is the question—
KEITH and ART in unison: Liter is volume.
AUSTIN: We are truly fucking showing our asses.
JANINE: Mm.
KEITH: I think I—
JANINE: This is a pound of feathers situation.
JACK: Yes, Janine [laughing]! This is what I’m saying! We know that a pound of feathers is the same as a pound of lead, so why isn’t a liter of water?
KEITH: But a liter—a liter is volume so some things—like Austin said, some things are denser than others, so like, alcohol and water weigh different amounts—
AUSTIN: Right, right. Yes.
KEITH: So a liter of alcohol weighs a different amount than a liter of water.
AUSTIN: But they both—if you put an equal amount in a volume—in a liter container—
KEITH: Yeah.
AUSTIN: They would be—they would both be a liter, but they would weigh differently. This is what I believe to be true.
KEITH: But a kilogram or water and a kilogram of alcohol are the same.
ART: We need to check all of this—
AUSTIN: We do.
ART: And if it’s not true, this is never a Clapcast. We cannot—
DRE: This is true, this is why you’re supposed to weigh flour instead of just doing cups when you’re baking stuff.
AUSTIN: Just because people step on it? Like what’s the—wait, why? [laughs]
JANINE: I mean, it’s also kind of that.
DRE: No, because, okay, so baking is the most science of cooking.
AUSTIN: Yeah.
DRE: And people who are very serious about baking say you should weigh your flour by ounces instead of measuring it by cups and tablespoons.
AUSTIN: Because you can’t trust the measurement of the cups and tablespoons?
JACK: Cups?
DRE: Mm-hm.
AUSTIN: Huh.
JANINE: And they’ll also say if you have to measure it by cups, then you should level it with a knife, or like, don’t pack it down. Or like, some people will say—I have a banana bread recipe I really like, and they insist that you spoon the flour spoon by spoon into the cup to measure it.
JACK: That’s great.
KEITH: Love it.
AUSTIN: A volume, just to be one hundred percent clear—you can measure the volume of something by measuring the sides of its container, right? Or by measuring how much of it—
KEITH: Is in a place.
AUSTIN: Is in a place. Not—
KEITH: Yeah.
AUSTIN: Which is different than how much it would weigh on a scale.
KEITH: Exactly, yeah, totally, yeah.
AUSTIN: And those two things are disconnected. Like, you could have one thing—I’m holding a bottle of water; if it was filled with molten lead, it would be the same volume, this volume is whatever this is—16.9 fluid ounces—it would still be...wait, is ounces volume? Ounces is volume. It would still be that, but if was lead it would be way heavier because I’d be, “Woah, it’s so heavy!”
,
ART: I think ounces is volume only in this context. Ounces is also a unit of weight.
AUSTIN: Fluid ounces, right?
KEITH: Yeah, fluid ounces.
AUSTIN: That’s what I said, fluid ounces.
KEITH: Another weight to conceptualize this is that a human person—
JACK: Uh-oh.
KEITH: Is the same container on Earth and on the moon.
JACK: Oh Jesus. How did you—
JANINE: How much would a human person weigh if they were filled with molten lead?
AUSTIN: This is great! No, this is perfect! We know this to be true. A robot-person weighs more than a flesh-person, probably.
JANINE: I don’t know that to be true!
JACK: No, look. In the Mirage—
JANINE: What if they’re a silicon-based robot?
JACK: Yes! In the Mirage, they can make robots very light.
AUSTIN: [laughing] Well, then the same thing is true! Then it’s lighter than a person! These two things are not the same.
KEITH: I’ve lost the thread [laughing].
JANINE: How much does a liter of robot weigh?
KEITH: [laughing] Sorry, I wasn’t gonna introduce a robot to this. I was—but it still works. I was gonna say that—
[Dre bursts into laughter]
KEITH: I’m the same size. My—I am—I have the same volume whether I’m here or on the moon.
AUSTIN: Yes.
KEITH: But I am—
AUSTIN: But you weigh different. Yes.
KEITH: I weigh a different amount because of the—
JACK: Hey—
KEITH: Weight is different from volume.
JACK: Hey—
AUSTIN: And this is why I say it’s perception still. Because it’s not like it’s—the amount of you has not changed.
ART: Weight is a function of gravity.
KEITH: I still would like Jack to guess the freezing temperature and boiling temperature of water in Farenheit.
AUSTIN: My point is, weight is a secondary characteristic like h—like that is about your p—that only relies—or that demands that we think about perceptive position—
KEITH: Yeah. Otherwise, we’re talking about mass.
AUSTIN: —and not just a true fact. “Keith has x number hairs on his head” is a true statement that is objective, whereas like, the shape of his hair will change depending on your position and whether or not he has gravity around him and etcetera. And weight is the same thing.
ART: Alright, Jack, throw out some temperature guesses here.
JACK: Okay, here we go. Water boils at 137 degrees Fahrenheit.
AUSTIN: No.
ART: No, you’re way low.
KEITH: Do you want me to tell you how wrong you are now or later?
JACK: Let me say—
ART: At a 100-degree day you’re not that close to water boiling.
DRE: Do freezing first
AUSTIN: Do freezing, that’ll help [laughs].
JACK: Okay—
ART: It won’t.
AUSTIN: It won’t.
JACK: Water freezes at...26.
AUSTIN: That’s closer!
ART and DRE, in unison: That’s pretty close.
KEITH: So, water freezing at 32. Do you want to take another guess knowing you were really low? ‘Cause you can get—you can go to Arizona and it can be as hot as what you said.
AUSTIN: Yeah, what did you just say? What did Jack—
KEITH: 130-something.
AUSTIN: 130? Okay.
ART: 107 is a little warm
AUSTIN: I’ve been to 123 or something like that, and that was the worst day. So.
JACK: Okay. Water boils at...400 degrees Fahrenheit [laughs].
KEITH: [laughing] Okay.
AUSTIN: You overcorrected, which is fine. You’re driving a big ship here, you know what I mean? You gotta make big swings.
KEITH: Yeah, yeah. ‘Cause it’s outrageous. It’s—Do you want to know?
JACK: Yeah, totally.
KEITH: Guessing a number is not the best game. It’s 212.
JACK: Bullshit.
KEITH: No, it really is 212.
AUSTIN: Why?
JACK: No, I’m saying that that’s bullshit.
KEITH: It is, it’s dumb.
JACK: 100 is the good number.
AUSTIN: What’s the thing that we figured out—
KEITH: Well, we figured out the freezing temperature of water in Celsius.
AUSTIN: No, okay, that. But also—[laughs].
KEITH: That was the story of the French Revolution, we did that.
AUSTIN: Jack and I recently figured something else out.
JACK: Oh, in Michael’s?
AUSTIN: Which is—was that where that was? Which is—
JACK: Austin and I have had a conversation about temperature comparatively recent.
AUSTIN: Yeah, pretty recently. It’s kind of a shame that neither of us remember any of these facts. That—it skips in a weird way. Like, it crosses twice, right?
JACK: Oh, it’s a curve. It’s a really weird curve, where like—
AUSTIN: Right. So like—
JACK: I found this out because during the last winter, bits of America got like, super, super cold. They got so cold that planes I was boarding wouldn’t take off ‘cause they were having to fly over cold airspace.
AUSTIN: Right.
JACK: And I learned this because the Fahrenheit numbers like, started making sense to me or something?
[Keith laughs]
AUSTIN: [laughs] Right. Yes.
JACK: It entered into an area where I was like, “Oh, I can kind of understand this.” But then we found—didn’t we find that they like—it’s like two parallel lines that cross once and then separate again?
AUSTIN: -40 Fahrenheit is -40 Celsius.
JACK: Yes! [snaps fingers]
AUSTIN: Which is weird, to me.
KEITH: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
AUSTIN: I mean, it isn’t weird, ‘cause that’s just how numbers work, I guess. \
KEITH: Mm-hm.
AUSTIN: There is a formula for this.
KEITH: Right.
AUSTIN: But, it’s just—it’s weird that you—
KEITH: And the further you get from that point, the bigger the difference is, which is why—
ART: Well, it would be true no matter, right? No matter where the points were, the—
AUSTIN: There would be a position at which they would—
KEITH: At some point, they would intersect.
AUSTIN: Yes. Yes, totally.
ART: Because they’re different—the slopes of the lines are different.
AUSTIN: Right.
KEITH: Unless, the difference between it was just like, Fahrenheit is always 10 degrees warmer than Celsius.
AUSTIN: But that would be a [laughing] really silly—
KEITH: I’m just saying, that’s the one case where this would not be true. If it was—
JANINE: That’s just called renaming a scale out of spite.
[Austin, Jack, and Keith all laugh]
AUSTIN: [laughing] Ah, the Walker scale.
ART: Look, I have all these Melsius thermometers, so—
[Austin, Janine, and Keith laugh]
KEITH: Oh boy. “It’s freezing out.” “Oh, you mean it’s 10?”
[Austin laughs]
AUSTIN: “Which direction? I won’t say.”
ART: It’s called freezing.
[Keith laughs]
AUSTIN: Alright, I think that we’re good. I think we’re all warmed up, and everyone is here.
JANINE: Is Ali here?
ALI: Yeah.
AUSTIN: Ali’s here. Sylvia’s[1] here.
JANINE: Oh, Ali is here.
KEITH: Hi, Ali. Hi, Sylvia.
SYLVIA: Hello.
AUSTIN: Sylvia, are you still high on the success of the Raptors?
SYLVIA: I’m fucking buzzing today.
[Austin and Janine laugh]
KEITH: What’s the—
AUSTIN: The Raptors won. The Eastern—
SYLVIA: We’re going to the NBA finals, yeah.
AUSTIN: Yeah.
SYLVIA: For the first time ever.
KEITH: Oh wow.
AUSTIN: The Raptors is the name of a basketball team, in Toronto.
SYLVIA: Yes.
AUSTIN: Which is in Canada, which is where Sylvia lives.
KEITH: I noticed that you were rooting for a basketball team, I didn’t know that team existed until this year.
SYLVIA: Yeah, it’s kind of like they’re not on American TV that much.
JACK: Holy shit.
AUSTIN: Keith, you just said a lot about how much you dislike Drake.
KEITH: [laughing] It’s not that I dislike Drake, I just don’t know a single thing about Drake.
AUSTIN: You know one thing now.
ART: Vince Carter left town and I think—
KEITH: Yeah, I know one thing is that he would be mad that I didn’t know the Raptors.
[Austin laughs]
KEITH: But is that true of Sylvia?
SYLVIA: No, I don’t care.
KEITH: Okay.
SYLVIA: I’m fine. We’re still friends.
ART: Drake is the Spike Lee of Toronto in so many ways.
AUSTIN: Bluh.
KEITH: Oh.
JANINE: Ugh.
KEITH: I guess I do dislike Drake.
AUSTIN: Yikes.
DRE: That’s a lot. What you just said is a lot, Art.
AUSTIN: I really can’t tell if that’s a—That’s a drag in a lot of different directions, I feel. Alright, should we time.is?
DRE: Yes.
KEITH: Oh, I need to—
JACK: I have to move up.
AUSTIN: I fucking hate Henry Ford.
KEITH: Yeah, fuck Henry Ford.
JACK: What’s the problem with Henry Ford? Beyond the obvious ones.
AUSTIN: “Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again,”
KEITH: Oh, no.
JACK: Oh, what?
DRE: Mm.
AUSTIN: Comma—’cause right now I’m like, you know, okay, that’s cool, failure is simply the opportunity, you know, Henry Ford, I’m with you. Then he finishes, “This time, more intelligently.” Fuck off, alright.
JACK: Hey, Henry Ford—
AUSTIN: Sometimes you fuck up even though you’re smart. It happens!
KEITH: Someone got to tell that guy how stupid his car looked.
[Austin laughs]
JACK: Also, he built a whole city in the Amazon and he, like, fucked it really big.
KEITH: Oh yeah, that guy is a—
AUSTIN: He did!
ART: Also, I was worried it was gonna be “This time with fewer Jews,” that’s just what I—
[Austin laughs]
DRE: Jesus.
JACK: Was Henry Ford super anti-Semetic?
ART: Oh yeah. Henry Ford loved the Nazis.
JANINE: He was in that time period for sure.
AUSTIN: He was—yeah. Uh-huh.
JANINE: All your—I feel like all you faves from that period. I’m not saying Henry Ford is anyone’s fave [laughs].
AUSTIN: Hmmmmmm.
SYLVIA: Problematic fave: Henry Ford.
JACK: Hey, my fave, Henry Ford.
Dre: Hmm.
AUSTIN: Twenty-five seconds? Is that good?
DRE: Sure.
AUSTIN: Okay.
[multiple claps]
ART: Well, I definitely heard someone clap before I clapped.
AUSTIN: Me too.
DRE: Who was that?
SYLVIA: I think I was a little early.
JACK: This is gonna be a eight-person clap.
AUSTIN: It is, it’s so rare. Want to do one more at forty, just in case?
DRE: Sure.
[claps]
AUSTIN: That felt good.
KEITH: That sounded a little tighter to me.
AUSTIN: That did sound tighter.
JANINE: Do we need Craig in here?
AUSTIN: We do need a Craig in here, fuck. We have to clap again. It’s fine.
JANINE: I was wondering.
AUSTIN: We’ll clap at the end.
KEITH: Do we still use Craig?
AUSTIN: We do.
KEITH: I wasn’t sure if that was still useful.
AUSTIN: There he is.
JANINE: Hi, Craig.
ART: Hi, Craig.
AUSTIN: Hi, Craig.
JANINE: Speaking of robots made of silicon that can fit in a liter.
[Dre and Keith laugh]
AUSTIN: How big do we think Craig is?
JACK: Huge. Impossibly vast.
KEITH: I think Craig can fit inside one of those little bear honey jars.
[Janine laughs]
AUSTIN: Ohh. Two different answers here.
SYLVIA: Are we talking liters or grams?
[Austin and Jack laugh]
JACK: Oh, Jesus.
ART: How many miles is Craig?
AUSTIN: That—it may be a lot. If you count everywhere that Craig is deployed, plus every server he’s running on, it seems like a lot.
KEITH: Deployed? [laughs] He’s in ODST.
[Austin laughs hysterically]
JANINE: Do you think Craig likes jazz?
ART: Sergeant Craig reporting for duty.
SYLVIA: Ugh.
AUSTIN: I can’t wait til Craig gets back from tour. [pauses] Alright.
[musical interlude 20:29]
AUSTIN: I thought Alcyon party knew this. Because of what you took back.
ART: Sorry, I’m having a technical difficulty.
AUSTIN: Okay.
ART: And it’s interfering with my ability to participate in this scene.
AUSTIN: This scene which is definitely one we need you for.
ART: Yeah, I’m workin’ on it, I’m sorry.
ALI: You can say that out loud [laughs].
[Austin and Janine laugh]
ALI: [laughing] You’re allowed to.
JANINE: I don’t know if it counts as canon yet or not, is the problem. It’s fine.
AUSTIN: Uh-huh.
JANINE: I did recently change my Hella bond.
AUSTIN: Ooh.
ALI: Oh, I changed mine too.
AUSTIN: We should go over bonds when this scene ends, by the way.
ART: So you can all hear me?
AUSTIN: Now we can.
KEITH: Yeah, yeah.
ALI and KEITH, in unison: Can you hear us?
ART: [hesitatingly] Yeah.
ALI: Oh.
AUSTIN: Oh.
KEITH: Yeah, sounds fucked up.
ART: Um, alright. I can get through this scene and then deal with this.
ALI: What’s happening?
AUSTIN: What’s up?
ART: I have a...I guess mouse problem, I’m not really sure.
ALI: Oh.
AUSTIN: Like a computer mouse problem?
ART: I can’t—yeah, I can’t click on anything.
AUSTIN: Uh-oh.
ALI: Hm.
KEITH: That’s weird.
ART: Or interact with my computer in any way.
KEITH: How about your keyboard? Does that work? Like a keyboard shortcut.
AUSTIN: Yeah, if you alt-tab, what happens?
ART: Um...yeah, I can tab through things. I guess my biggest problem is I have this thing about toggle keys just right in the center of my screen that will not move.
ALI: Oh, did you—
KEITH: That’s weird.
ART: I can’t interact with the window.
KEITH: Toggle keys like sticky keys? Like when you hit shift too many times? And that’s something that I don’t know what that does.
AUSTIN: What if you just hit escape?
ART: No.
AUSTIN: Do you have a Num Lock key?
ART: I do.
AUSTIN: Hold it down for five seconds.
KEITH: Oh, I don’t know about this, what does that do?
JANINE: Me neither.
AUSTIN: I don’t know either.
[Janine and Keith laugh]
KEITH: Just guessing.
ART: Nothing’s happening.
AUSTIN: Nothing’s happening? Okay.
ART: I just have this, like—
KEITH: Oh, my thing beeped when I did that!
AUSTIN: Right, yeah.
KEITH: Toggle keys, that’s Num Lock, wow, that’s nuts!
[Ali laughs]
AUSTIN: Yeah, I was—
KEITH: Toggle keys—
AUSTIN: [laughing] I wasn’t just like—
KEITH: Well, you said you didn’t know!
JANINE: Yeah.
AUSTIN: [laughing] Yeah, I didn’t know it would work. I didn’t know—it didn’t! It didn’t work!
KEITH: “Do you want to turn on toggle keys? Toggle keys causes a tone to sound—”
AUSTIN: Oh my God.
KEITH: “—when you press the Caps Lock, Num Lock, or Scroll Lock keys.”
ART: Yeah, I have that window but it won’t go away or go under any other window.
KEITH: If you—
ALI: Do you want to continue this scene or restart? ‘Cause we should make this decision immediately.
AUSTIN: Yes [Ali laughs]. Let’s finish the scene and then we should restart.
ART: Let me see if I—can I interact with roll20?
JANINE: A thing—Have you tried doing the key commands to force quit a thing? Like, to go to the Task Manager or whatever? Because whenever I get stuck on stuff, I do that and it shakes it loose.
ALI: Oh, like—
ART: I got it. It was a second, separate, problem. Which is that I had managed to break my mouse.
ALI: Hm.
KEITH: Hm.
ART: And now that my mouse is fixed, I can click on things again.
AUSTIN: How—
ART: I dislodged by scroll wheel in a such a way that it was breaking my left click.
AUSTIN: Jesus!
KEITH: Wow.
AUSTIN: Wow, okay.
ART: Be gentle with your computer components.
AUSTIN: Please. Let’s continue the scene.
ART: Sorry about that.
AUSTIN: Where were we?
[musical interlude, 23:59]
KEITH: Is this not what break talk is like?
JANINE: Yeah, yeah.
SYLVIA: Yeah, I prefer an ice cream cake, which is kinda like all icing if you think about it.
JANINE: Ehhh.
KEITH: I also preferred ice cream cake. Different kind of ice cream. Totally different ballpark, I think. But that’s why I don’t like cupcakes. Cupcakes are, almost a hundred percent of the time, over-iced.
JANINE: Yeah, the ratio is bad.
ALI: Only if they’re like, professionally made. You can make a cupcake—
JANINE: Yeah, when you do them at home you can just do whatever the hell you want, but.
KEITH: [laughing] All the best cupcakes are trash.
ALI: It’s just—yeah, I don’t know why people do that.
JANINE: The ideal icing to cupcake ratio are those little Hostess whatever cupcakes with the swirl. Where it’s just like, we just got some sort of icing fairy to just breathe across these—
KEITH: Gently kiss.
JANINE: —and a nice soft little dome appeared, and there’s a little swirl, and we just send it out into the world, that’s all I want.
[Ali hums]
KEITH: I think that, like, a homemade birthday cake has the perfect amount of ice cream—uh, icing.
ALI: Oh, yeah. One hundred percent.
KEITH: Like just taking up—spreading it onto a thing like butter, you know?
ALI: Right. That’s all you need. A yellow cake, chocolate frosting? That’s it.
JANINE: We always did—
KEITH: Ugh.
JANINE: We never did sheet cakes for home birthday cakes. We always did the layer cake where you do the two round cake pans and then you do the icing in the middle.
KEITH: Mm-hm.
JANINE: And that’s too much for me. Like, I don’t really—
ALI: Yeaah. Cake doesn’t need to be that tall!
KEITH: I don’t know, I think—I feel like you can cut down on the middle icing and you get a nice, moist cake. I like having a little bit of icing in two different places.
JANINE: Yeah...My dad likes putting jam in there, but I find that just makes it kind of wet and I don’t really enjoy it, to be honest.
KEITH: Get a drier jam maybe?
JANINE: What?
KEITH: Yeah. Like a, you know, jam, is—
JANINE: Like sawdust?
KEITH: No, no. You get a loose jam and like, really thick jam, you know, and maybe a thicker jam—
JANINE: It’s all wet though.
KEITH: Like a strawberry preserve.
JANINE: At that point, just put a bunch of raisins in there that are soaked in some brandy or something.
KEITH: That sounds pretty good.
JANINE: That does sound pretty good [laughs]
AUSTIN: Hello, I’m back.
JANINE: Hey.
KEITH: It’s cake talk.
AUSTIN: Ooh, cake talk.
JANINE: Cake with a bunch of raisins.
KEITH: I made good cookies for the first time in my life the other day.
JANINE: Good cookies?
KEITH: Yeah, I never made cookies that came out well before.
JANINE: Oh.
KEITH: Yeah. And it’s like—
JANINE: What kind of cookies?
KEITH: They were just chocolate chip. The main difference in the recipe was that it used a little bit more salt then I normally see in recipes and you brown the butter.
JANINE: Mmm.
KEITH: I’m not good at baking.
JANINE: If you put a little of—I think it’s cream of tartar? If you put that in your chocolate chip cookies, they do that nice, cracky thing on top.
AUSTIN: Oh, is that what does that?
JANINE: Yeah.
KEITH: Like Tate’s? Like a Tate’s cookie? Like that sort of thing?
JANINE: I don’t know what that is.
AUSTIN: What is a Tate’s cookie?
KEITH: Just a really thin brand of cookies.
JANINE: Do you buy that at Cumby’s?
AUSTIN: Oh, I hate it [Keith laughs]. Still bad.
KEITH: No, you can buy those at a local—at supermarkets. You can go to Day’s Fresh. Go to Day’s Fresh, get some Tate’s.
JANINE: Neither of those are things here [laughs].
KEITH: Yeah, no. Day’s Fresh is local. Tate’s—I don’t know how far Tate’s reach is [laughs]. I don’t know how long his arms are.
JACK: A cookie?
AUSTIN: What is it?
KEITH: Yeah, it’s just a chocolate chip cookie brand. It didn’t seem local.
AUSTIN: Let me see the logo. Let’s see the logo. Mmmm. This is a local—
KEITH: I’m sure you’ve seen things in that same style because thin, crunchy, chocolate chip cookies?
AUSTIN: Yeah, I’m sure that’s true. No, this is a local-to-you thing, I think.
KEITH: Oh, really? They’re really good.
AUSTIN: Mmmmm. I could like—
KEITH: I’m not exclusively a thin, crunchy cookie guy.
AUSTIN: Right.
KEITH: But these are thin, crunchy cookies done really really well.
AUSTIN: Mm.
ALI: Which cookies?
AUSTIN: Maybe they’re not. Tate’s.
KEITH: Tate’s. Tate’s chocolate chip.
ALI: Oh, yeah. Mm...yeah. I like a soft cookie, but they’re pretty good.
KEITH: Yeah. I feel the same way. I’m usually more of a warm, soft cookie guy but Tate’s is my favorite storebought brand. ‘Cause you just can’t get good soft cookies storebought, I think.
ALI: Yeah you can.
KEITH: Oh.
JANINE: I like a thin crispy edge but a thick, chewy middle.
KEITH: Yeah.
JANINE: That’s what I’m here for.
KEITH: Yep. We were talking about—when we were talking about vol—you know how we were all dying to talk more about volume?
AUSTIN: Yeah.
[laughter from the table]
DRE: Glad I’m back. Please start again.
KEITH: The cookie recipe—one of the things was a cup of brown sugar, packed. It said specifically packed.
JANINE: Yeah, yeah.
DRE: Mm-hm.
AUSTIN: Right.
ALI: Oh yeah.
KEITH: And I did it and it ended up having just slightly too much brown sugar in it.
AUSTIN: Mm-hm.
KEITH: And it’s like, well that’s ‘cause, like how fucking much do you pack it?
AUSTIN: [laughs] Uh-huh.
KEITH: How do you—you can pack brown sugar really, really tight. It’s the coolest substance in the world.
JANINE: I mean, usually packed means with like a silicone spatula, and not with your foot. Not like you’re trying to stamp the trash down.
KEITH: I lightly pressed it down with my hand, is what I did.
JANINE: That should have been fine.
KEITH: It was only very slightly too much. Isaac did not think it was too much, but.
ALI: Keith—
KEITH: Yeah?
ALI: Do you not like the Pepperidge Farm soft-baked cookies in the little bag?
KEITH: Nnno.
ALI: No?
KEITH: I don’t like those. I think they’re fine—
ALI: Right, yeah.
KEITH: —but when I get Pepperidge Farms, I get Brussels.
ALI: Brussels? Wait, what are those?
KEITH: Brussels are like Milano but good.
ALI: Milano are already good.
KEITH: Okay, well you’ll try some Brussels ‘cause that’s the shit [Ali giggles]. It’s like crispy, round Milano instead of like, the shortbread-y thing.
ALI: Ohh.
KEITH: It’s a sort of crunchier, almost glazed, cookie.
ALI: Okay, wait. If you go to their website [giggles], the only description for them: “There’s a reason these classics have endured so long. They’re really good.”
KEITH: They’re really good. They’re really good. They’re one of the best cookies you can buy in a b—in a Goldfish container.
ALI: Mm.
[Dre laughs]
SYLVIA: Oh!
KEITH: Out of anything you can buy that comes in a Goldfish container, Brussels are the best.
DRE: And by that, you mean a fish tank.
KEITH: Yeah. Either, fish tank or Goldfish cheese snacks.
DRE: Ah, fair.
KEITH: Yeah. They take—they soak up liquid really well, like hot chocolate or coffee.
ALI: Mmm.
KEITH: Or milk, because they’re crunchier. So they keep a little bit of crunch when you soak em up and they don’t fall apart. Ah, what a good cookie.
AUSTIN: Um—
DRE: Man, now I want cookies. Thanks, Keith.
KEITH: Yeah, sorry.
AUSTIN: I think—Are we all back? Or are we missing people still?
KEITH: I think Jack is gone?
JACK: I literally put my headphones on to hear Austin say, “Is everyone back?”
SYLVIA: Wow.
JACK: That was amazing timing.
ALI: Ooh.
AUSTIN: Amazing.
JACK: I haven’t even sat down yet.
[Austin laughs]
SYLVIA: Woah.
JACK: Okay, now I’ve sat down.
AUSTIN: Is Art back?
ART: Yes.
AUSTIN: Okay.
KEITH: Is Sylvia back?
SYLVIA: I am here.
KEITH: Okay.
JACK: Is Dre back?
DRE: I am here.
AUSTIN: Yeah!
KEITH: Janine?
[Jack laughs]
JANINE: Yeah.
JACK: Ali?
KEITH: Zreg?
JACK: Zreg, are you here?
ALI: Mm-hm.
JACK: [deep voice] Hello.
AUSTIN: [deep voice] It is—[normal voice] yeah, just a different voice entirely.
[laughter from the table]
[musical interlude, 30:40]
ALI: Is it just us?
ART: Yeah, this is it.
KEITH: Just us.
AUSTIN: This is it. Um, the—
ART: Can we change Dre’s name to Keith’s name on the slides?
AUSTIN: I already did.
ART: Oh, look at you.
AUSTIN: Mm-hm.
ALI: There we go, sorry.
AUSTIN: Oh, thanks Craig. I forgot about Craig, which is a shame. Did you see the thing that was like a series of—it was like a Tweet, a Twitter video, of like, “Here’s some stuff that proves that food—like, mass-produced food is bad.” And it was like, “Real cheese melts but processed cheese turns black when you put fire in it! If you put rice in a stove—or, uh, on a pan—and turn up the heat, you can see that they’re actually filling the rice with plastic to keep it cheaper!” It was like ten of these things, and none of them were true.
KEITH: Yeah. Some cheese just don’t melt!
AUSTIN: Some cheese don’t melt.
KEITH: Like paneer cheese doesn’t melt.
AUSTIN: Also, plastic is more expensive than rice.
ALI: Yeah, uh-huh. Uh-huh.
[Keith laughs]
AUSTIN: [laughing]: Like—
KEITH: Yeah, people fucking get away with all this shit when they say like, “I know it sounds nuts but did you know actually....” And, like, saying that they know it sounds nuts is cover for saying something that’s fake.
AUSTIN: Mm-hm.
KEITH: I was—I don’t know if this was pre-recording for people, but someone recently was telling me about how boiling water freezes faster.
AUSTIN: Right.
KEITH: Which is something I’ve heard several times, and like, yeah, it does sound like it’s wrong, and that’s ’cause it’s wrong. It’s not true.
AUSTIN: right. Right. I’ve linked this video, because it’s so frustrating to me.
ART: Oh yeah, no, Jess’s cousin shared this video today and it made Jessica so mad. She’s like, “I want to say something but if I say something it’s going to be about the fact that I went to college and have a PhD and none of them did, and like, I just don’t have the energy for this but it’s infuriating.”
AUSTIN: Yeah, don’t do that. That’s not the play. But it’s infuriating!
KEITH: I can’t speak to Jess’s friends, but like...anti-vaxxers need something else to do!
[Austin guffaws]
ALI: Mm, yeah.
[Keith laughs]
ART: The person who shared this did just have a baby, so, yeah, I hope that they get mad about their ice cream and vaccinate their child.
AUSTIN: The one with the ice cream is the most infuriating one.
KEITH: I can’t—it’s the thumbnail, I don’t know what it is ‘cause I’m not watching the video, but someone is squeezing half a lemon on ice cream—
AUSTIN: What do you think happens?
KEITH: Does it like curdle or something?
AUSTIN: [worked up] Yeah, of course it curdles! That’s what happens! That’s the thing—
KEITH: Yeah.
AUSTIN: That’s the thing that happens!
KEITH: Yeah.
AUSTIN: And they’re like “Ughh.”
KEITH: I have a message for the whole world: food is nasty. All food is gross.
AUSTIN: [laughing] The premise of this video is that the reason it curdles is that it contains washing powder for shine and lightness.
KEITH: What?
ART: I’m not even sure washing powder is a thing.
[Austin laughs]
ART: No, it makes me so mad. It’s so, it’s so—
KEITH: And there’s so many, like, real awful things happening with food too.
AUSTIN: Yes! Yes! Yes! One hundred percent!
KEITH: Like—[sighs]
[Austin sighs]
ALI: Do we have a Patreon post and all the—
AUSTIN: [dejected] We don’t. I don’t have one yet. I’m going to do it right now this second.
ALI: Okay.
AUSTIN: I’m so frustrated.
ALI: No, no, no, you’re good.
AUSTIN: I’m so frustrated. I’m going to make it right now, and I’ll have a YouTube video...Tips at the Table....da da da [typing]. Join Ali, Keith, Art, and Austin as they take your questions about getting players invested in your game...What are the other questions here? Um—
ART: Oh man, the premiere of Marriage Rescue is tonight!
ALI: [gasps] Ohhh.
KEITH: Who are Hobbs and Shaw?
[Ali laughs]
AUSTIN: Hobbs and—well, they’re friends and they’re not family as far as I’m concerned.
ALI: Well, they have families of their own.
KEITH: Okay so they—
AUSTIN: They do.
ART: They’re friends.
AUSTIN: I hate that they play the family card in that fucking trailer.
ALI: Yeah.
AUSTIN: I hate it. It’s infuriating to me.
KEITH: Okay. You’ve answered my question. ‘Cause, like, I thought “Are these people I’m supposed to know from Twitter or something?”
AUSTIN: [laughs] I mean…
KEITH: That like you all want to grab dinner with or something? And I just don’t know them.
[Ali laughs]
KEITH: Or I do know them and I forgot about them?
AUSTIN: That’s very funny.
ART: That is very funny.
AUSTIN: That’s conceptually very funny.
KEITH: But I now know from context clues that this is a new Fast & The Furious movie.
AUSTIN: What’s the clue that gave it away?
KEITH: Friends and family.
[Austin laughs]
ALI: Mmm, you don’t say.
AUSTIN: You should watch those movies, Keith.
KEITH: I’ve seen two of them!
AUSTIN: Oh, okay! Good.
KEITH: I’ve liked the ones that I’ve seen. I saw Five and Six.
AUSTIN: Good ones!
KEITH: Or maybe Four and Five. I think—
AUSTIN: Mm.
KEITH: I definitely saw Five.
ART: How many was the Rock in?
KEITH: The Rock was in...both of them?
ART: So it was Five and Six.
AUSTIN: And Six.
KEITH: Five and Six. And had one of the funniest lines that I’ve ever heard in a movie. And it’s when someone was giving him bad news and he said, “Give me the veggies.”
[Austin and Keith laugh]
ALI: Yeah [snorts]
AUSTIN: It’s good.
ALI: Best. Ohhh that’s so good. That’s so good.
KEITH: That was so funny.
ART: This is a Dwayne Johnson respect zone.
KEITH: It’s like, you don’t like—
ALI: That’s the—[laughs]. As an introductory scene for that character, it’s incredible.
AUSTIN: Mm-hm.
ALI: The writing is good. It’s fantastic.
KEITH: Oh, I actually watched that with Ali.
AUSTIN: Oh!
KEITH: And I’m now remembering that I also laughed so fucking hard at—there’s just some line of Vin Diesel’s where you—I couldn’t understand a single word he said. I had no—he just sounded like he mumbled for, like, eight seconds. Do you remember what this was?
ALI: Was—did we watch it together?
KEITH: It was near the end of the movie. Yeah. Like forever ago.
ALI: Oh, was it when he was in the back of the car after his friend dies?
KEITH: I think—I think so.
ALI: And he was like [makes blubbering noises].
[Keith laughs, Ali laughs]
AUSTIN: [amused] What was that? One more time.
KEITH: Yeah, he said [makes gibberish noises]
ALI: [makes gibberish noises] Yeah.
KEITH: And no one was like, “We need to take that again.”
AUSTIN: [laughs] Good enough.
ALI: Well, he was saaaad.
KEITH: [laughing] It’s about—it’s about the tone of his voice. The words here weren’t important.
AUSTIN: It’s about feel.
ART: Vin Diesel does not do two takes.
ALI: Yeah, well.
ART: Amateurs like you do two takes [laughs].
[Austin laughs]
KEITH: Or maybe that was the second take, and they didn’t feel comfortable saying “We need to take that again because you didn’t say any words.”
AUSTIN: No, maybe—I think was like that Home Movies scene where they did like thirty takes and each time the director was like, “I need more emotion. I need you to just be [Ali and Keith] groveling at the screen. Sobbing.”
KEITH: More emotion—at some point, more emotion does mean fewer words.
AUSTIN: [laughing] Yeah. Let’s do a clap, and do it at...twenty five?
ALI: Sure.
[pause, claps]
AUSTIN: Got a mic stand hit, I hear—I heard a mic stand hit. Are we good?
KEITH: I heard—I think we’re probably fine.
ALI: That was the speaker. That wasn’t my mic stand.
AUSTIN: Okay.
ALI: I have my speaker on top of my power supply, which is not the number one idea [laughs] but it works for me.
[Keith and Austin laugh]
KEITH: You want to put the things that get hottest on top of each other.
ALI: Yes.
AUSTIN: Yeah, really bring all the—Keep the heat away from other stuff.
ALI: My power supply is smooth and cool to the touch, so no issues there.
KEITH: No, yeah, you’re probably fine. These things do not take a lot of power at all.
ALI: Yeah.
AUSTIN: And yet, they still have a gigantic power brick [laughs].
ALI: Well, yeah.
KEITH:Yeah, they do, I don’t understand it.
ALI: Well the power is in there.
AUSTIN: Mm.
KEITH: Mine has that—my picture has that built into it so I forgot how big and cumbersome those are for no reason.
AUSTIN: I want to clear off my desk. I want to just throw everything away. I want to like, start fresh...in my life.
KEITH: You—with—
AUSTIN: Everything.
KEITH: —Sound recording? Oh, everything.
AUSTIN: Just everything. Not this. This is good, I’ll keep this. But, like, this bed, this desk.
ALI: Yeah.
AUSTIN: This room. You know?
ALI: You just need a cleanse. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
KEITH: Getting a new bed is a really great idea.
AUSTIN: Yeah, I’ve had this one for four years now, I guess?
KEITH: Oh, that isn’t so bad.
AUSTIN: Which is not long. It’s fine. It’s a fine bed. It’s past the prime—it’s past the honeymoon phase of like, “Wow, I got this new bed.”
[Ali giggles]
AUSTIN: You know? So.
KEITH: Yeah.
ALI: Maybe just get a new frame, some new sheets, and then you’ll feel like, “Oh, I—”
AUSTIN: Yeah, I am about to get new sheets.
ALI: Hell yeah.
AUSTIN: I’m like—I’ve been thinking about it for like, a month.
ALI: Oooh, are you researching sheets?
AUSTIN: I—no. So I got really good sheets last time.
ALI: Ooh.
AUSTIN: And I loved them so much, so I’m gonna get them again.
ALI: There you go.
AUSTIN: And I’m gonna get them so that they’re delivered this week [Ali gasps softly], and I’m gonna put them on before I go to E3 and I’m not gonna sleep on them once.
ALI: [whispers] Oh my God.
AUSTIN: And I’m gonna come home and they’re gonna be fresh. My bed is gonna be made, I’m gonna get home from E3—
ALI: Wow.
AUSTIN:—I’m gonna be like, “This is the fucking best.”
ALI: Woww.
KEITH: I read this whole thing about how thread counts in sheets are bullshit.
AUSTIN: Yeah, they are.
KEITH: And at the end of the article—
AUSTIN: Oh.
KEITH: Well, I got to the end of the article and it was some fucking sheets company that was telling me.
[Ali gasps, Austin laughs]
KEITH: Like, “Don’t worry, low thread counts are actually great!” [laughs]
AUSTIN: Alright, well that’s—The thing I realized was the sheets I ended up really liking did not necessarily have a high thread count.
ALI: Mm.
AUSTIN: But it was about the material they were made with and shit like that, and that ended up being a much more important thing. I’m trying to find the name of the sheets that I have.
KEITH: Yeah, I think that’s probably true. I mean—
AUSTIN: I’m sure it matters a little bit, you know what I mean?
KEITH: Yeah.
AUSTIN: Uh, these are—
KEITH: It’s wild like—people just latch on—like, ah, this is how we sell the sheets now is thread counts.
AUSTIN: Right. This is—what I got were the Mezzati Luxury Bed Sheets Set—.
ALI: Oh my gosh.
AUSTIN: —Soft and Comfortable 1800 Prestige Collection - Brushed Microfiber Bedding. And I really like it. It’s just like—
KEITH: “1800 Prestige”?
AUSTIN: I don’t—yeah, it’s like you beat Call of Duty multiplayer, you get to level fifty 1800 times, and then you’ve prestiged 1800.
KEITH: Wow.
AUSTIN: I don’t even—
KEITH: The symbol is so big at that point that your emblem takes up most of the screen.
AUSTIN: It’s the whole screen, it’s why it’s such an achievement ‘cause you can’t see anybody [laughs].
KEITH: Yeah, all you can see is your P90 and that is it.
AUSTIN: And that is it. I don’t think this has a—I don’t know that there’s a thread count listed here ‘cause it’s microfiber and I don’t know that that’s how microfiber works. I don’t know. Anyway.
KEITH: Oh, microfiber sheets, that sounds like it gets hot.
AUSTIN: Well, no. They are, quote, “warm and cuddly in the winter and cool in the summer, like a cozy T-shirt.” That is exactly right.
KEITH: Damn, you got both ways.
AUSTIN: Yeah. Yeah. Anyway. We should do a podcast. About Tips at the Table, right?
KEITH: Yep.
ALI: Mm-hm.
AUSTIN: Is that a thing we should do?
ART: Tip One: get a good night’s sleep [Ali laughs] on some nice sheets from, uh, whatever 1800—
AUSTIN: Whatever the fuck I just said.
ART: —Call of Duty sheets.
AUSTIN: [laughs] Yeah. Don’t do that, don’t give—mm [laughs]. Are there—are there Call of Duty sheets?
ALI: Oh, there’s gotta be. Go to a Target.
AUSTIN: Call...of...Duty...bedding.
ALI: There’s Metroid sheets for sure. Like, absolutely.
AUSTIN: [laughing] Ali, I just need you to know I typed in “Call of Duty bedding”. Top hit was amazon.com, that was an ad though, the top natural hit, organic hit: “Call of Duty bedding - Target”
ALI: Listen, I’ve bought sheets from Target, I know that they [laughing] have a teen section. It is what it is.
AUSTIN: I don’t see any—oh yes I do.
KEITH: “Call of Duty modern sleepwear.”
ALI: Ohhh,
AUSTIN: “Call of Duty Black Ops 5 Duvet Cover”, “Call of Duty Broken Skull Cover Set”...
ALI: Hmmm.
AUSTIN: These are bad. I’m gonna close these.
ALI: Hmmmm.
KEITH: Yeah, if the cool franchises I like don’t have good merch, the ones that I don’t like aren’t gonna have good merch.
[Austin laughs, sighs]
KEITH: If I can’t even get a good Mass Effect hoodie, I’m not gonna be able to get good Call of Duty bedsheets.
AUSTIN: There used to be good Mass Effect hoodies.
KEITH: There was maybe one that was fine.
ALI: There was a horrible one, then there was a good one, then they just kept coming out with good ones. And now, none.
KEITH: Really?
ALI: Yeah, yeah, the first generation Mass Effect hoodie was not good.
KEITH: That’s probably the one that I’m remembering.
AUSTIN: Mm.
ALI: Yeah.
AUSTIN: Okay [Ali giggles].
KEITH: No good Star Wars hoodies.
AUSTIN: What? Shut up, yes there are.
ART: Yo, go to Galaxy’s Edge—
KEITH: They’re very hard to find.
ART: They’ve got all the good merch.
KEITH: It’s got all the good—well, I just find—
ALI: Well, there’s no good hoodies.
KEITH: Well, I feel like the stuff that I see is always like, “Here’s a really—you know, here is this character’s famous jacket, and then also it has a big Star Wars logo on it.”
ALI: Noo.
KEITH: I hate that.
ALI: Keith, we’ll go. If you need a [laughs] Star Wars stylist—
[Ali and Keith laugh]
AUSTIN: Oh, finally, Ali, your calling.
ALI: [laughing] I consider myself a little bit pro in this area, I look at a lot of the things that are out there and I can get some stuff for you together—
AUSTIN: Congrats, by the way, on bringing your OC with you.
ALI: I also do this for houses. Just putting it out there.
AUSTIN: [snorts] Good.
KEITH: Star Wars houses or just any kind of house?
ALI: Any—well, any kind of house [chuckles] but with Star Wars film goods.
[Keith laughs]
AUSTIN: Is—Can I get an update? How was Galaxy’s Edge? How’d it feel?
ALI: It was good.
AUSTIN: Yeah?
ART: It was—I thought it felt great.
ALI: Yeah.
AUSTIN: Uh-huh.
ART: It’s so immersive, you don’t feel like you’re in Disneyland.
ALI: Mm-hm.
ART: It’s really something.
ALI: Yeah.
AUSTIN: I’m very happy for both of you. I’m very happy that you both picked the same Holocron and Kyber Crystal.
[Ali giggles]
KEITH: I—I made a stink about the Kyber Crystal, ‘cause I think that they’re fake and not real, that’s not how lightsabers work—
AUSTIN: Keith, what? Okay.
KEITH: But then I learned that’s how you make the Holocron work, is with the Kyber Crystals.
AUSTIN: Right.
ALI: Yeah.
AUSTIN: Right. The Kyber Crystal is for the—right.
ART: Also, I don’t think you get to tell Star Wars how lightsabers work.
KEITH: I do, or should.
ALI: [exhales] Yeah.
KEITH: i.e., if I don’t, it should be me.
[Outro music plays to end]
[1] The name in the audio recording is no longer in use, hence the audio/transcript discrepancy.