by Meggz Hope
"- shall thunder from the deepest pits to the very clouds above! Quail, brief and insignificant mortals, quail and cower before -"
Cassandra slammed the door behind her. "Honey, I'm home!" she shouted. By the console, Alison rolled her eyes.
"You'll give us a bad reputation, Sandra," she said. "There's enough rumours about us without you starting more."
"It was just a joke, Freckles," (Cas)Sandra replied. "The only person in earshot was Frederick, and somehow I don't think he was listening. A bit too busy pronouncing doom upon us all."
"He'll get distracted and lose his train of thought before long," Alison - or "Freckles" to her friends - said. "Did you get it?"
"Of course," Sandra replied, and threw the bar of chocolate across to her partner. Freckles snatched it from the air and tore it open.
"Come to Alison, you sweet, sugary-
Freckles launched herself down the length of the console and slapped the red button. "Not fair! Not fair you stupid machine! I hadn't even taken one bite! I should at least-"
"I think it might be right for once," Sandra cut in. "Her mother's the queen of Mirkwood's mountains, and she-"
"Marries Legolas and has lots of sweet elf-loving with the incredible hotness that is the Prince of Mirkwood?" Freckles suggested. Sandra gave her a distasteful look.
"You're going to drool on the console, Freckles. And as it happens, no."
Freckles' eyebrows shot up. "No? Then she's Legolas' sister and gets beaten by her evil father while-"
"She's going to marry Legolas," Sandra interrupted. "But it doesn't get that far. It's really short - I don't know why the Flowers gave it to us so early."
"Better not to ask," Freckles muttered. "They'd probably start spouting riddles again. So what're we being?"
Sandra glanced over the story summary. "It's in Mirkwood, so spiders would be the obvious choice, but..." She smirked. "The Sue was nearly killed by orcs once. What do you say we finish the job?"
"I'll take my bow."
Some Agents find the moment their disguise takes hold to be disorienting, even dizzying. Not so Freckles, who leapt out of the portal with an arrow already in her bow. Sandra followed her through to the dark clearing beneath the shadow of Mirkwood. The ground was covered with incongruously long grass, and what seemed to be the forest's effort at wildflowers. They were small, black, and seemed to have thorns on their stems.
"I skipped the flashback," Sandra commented. "I didn't think four or five events in the space of a paragraph would be good for us. If you want to write the charge list, you can check the Words."
Freckles pretended not to hear her. "So the Sue's coming to see Legolas here?" she asked, looking around the meadow. Sandra sighed.
"I guess I'll do it," she muttered, pulling out her notepad. "You've got your CAD?"
Freckles dropped her bow to the floor and brandished her Character Analysis Device. "Armed and ready!" she announced. Then she squeaked and dropped the device as it gave an unexpected [Bip!] before joining her bow in the long grass. "I think the Sue's coming," she said, dropping to her knees to collect her equipment. Sandra was already on the move, ducking out of sight behind a tree. Freckles, unfortunately, was still scrabbling for her bow when the Sue walked into the clearing.
The Agents' target for this mission was curiously ill-defined. She was definitely female, elven, and possessing of hair, but other than that, she was lacking in any distinguishing features. From her prone position in the grass Freckles could see both the Sue and the CAD readout.
[Marilla. Elf female. Non-canon. Mary-Sue.]
"No kidding," Freckles whispered, and then bit her lip as Marilla glanced in her direction. Fortunately, the grass seemed to be long enough to keep her hidden (possibly the canon was helping the PPC Agent out, as it sometimes did), and Marilla resumed her wait.
About an hour later, a glance at the Words showed Freckles the reason for her continued immobility and aching back. Legolas had left Marilla 'a note later to meet him at the meadow finally came'. The 'finally' was responsible for the long gap between the start of the story and its continuation. Freckles' thoughts turned to Sandra, who she figured was probably relaxing against a tree playing cards or something. She envied her.
Finally (as the fic had said) Legolas showed up, and Freckles had difficulty containing her laughter. He was wearing a skirt. A long, flowing, emerald-green skirt. It seemed the author had very little idea of how to describe Legolas, and Freckles alternated amusement and fury, as is usual for a Legoluster in the PPC.
"Hello Marilla,"he said walking through the lillys and reaching out to me and squezing me his arms.
"Hello,ugh Legolas you crushing me "I said laughing as he leaned down and kissed me.
"Don't we wish," a soft voice muttered nearby, and Freckles rolled over to see Sandra crawling towards her through the grass and newly-appeared lilies (black, of course - this was Mirkwood). The other woman waved at her. "Were you planning on staying out here for the entire scene?"
"- it's fun?" Freckles offered. Sandra shook her head slowly.
"Come on, Freckles, get with it. You're going to miss Legolas' epic leap."
Indeed she was. Peering through the grass, the Agents watched the elf amble over to a nearby tree and then, without so much as a pause, leap some twenty feet vertically to sit on a branch.
"I guess she forgot how tall the trees are in Mirkwood," Freckles said. Sandra nodded.
"She also forgot why it's called Mirkwood," she said. "The gloomy waterfall and falling leaves are very atmospheric, but not quite as romantic as she was hoping."
"Not that it seems to be stopping them," Freckles muttered with thinly-veiled disgust. She was watching the Sue and Legolas. Marilla had walked over and rested her head on Legolas' shoulder (adding to her brief list of features a twenty-foot neck), and they were engaged in possibly the worst dialogue Freckles had seen in, oh, at least two days.
"Well its or wedding day tomorrow I don't want to spoil anything"I said pulling his face toward me .
"You wont,and tomorrow we will be one and i will have you forever,"he said leaning over to take my hair and twist it around his fingers
"I love you Legolas Greenleaf,"I said as I took hold of his hand
After that he took my chin in his palm and brung me to his mouth
"I wish Sues would be consistent," Freckles complained. Ignoring Sandra's stare, she explained, "They call Legolas 'Greenleaf', so they ought to call Boromir 'strongjewel' too."
"And maybe they could have Gandalf Wandelf and Elrond Stardome," Sandra agreed. "But it's not going to happen. We just have to keep writing it down. Speaking of which..." She flipped her notebook open and added to an already-lengthy list of charges. Then she glanced up at the Words.
"With all my heart and soul my love,"He whispered in my ear as he pulled my hair back and kept kissing
"Oh, Manwe. Scene change!"
The next day..
It wasn't just one scene change. The Agents were dragged to the Sue's bedroom where she awoke to a vision of floricide which would have given the Sub Rosa an apoplexy (or would have, if the author hadn't referred to white rose pedals instead), and were then whisked to what appeared to be a small English country church, where they watched the arrival of several million people ('almost all of Middle Earth') in fast-forward before the Sue's friend, referred to in the Words as Vanessielcame, burst into the room.
"Whats wrong why are you upset?" Marilla asked as Freckles and Sandra tried to stop their heads from spinning. Sandra recovered first, and headed for the door as fast as she could.
"Wait!" Freckles shouted, but Sandra just threw the charge list at her before disappearing.
"The groom isn't even here Marillia the wedding is off," she said looking at me like I was freaking out
"No he is here he is ......,"I said as I looked down the aisle and .. he wasn't there ugh!
Suddenly legolas father-
-did not come from outside. The story jerked to a grinding halt as it tried to deal with the absence of the next speaking character. Freckles leapt into the gap - quite literally. There was a gasp from the assembled multitudes as an orc appeared in front of the bride (although there were at least a million other orcs attending the wedding). Marilla stared at Freckles.
"Who are you what are you going here?"
"I'm from the PPC," Freckles said brightly, "and I've got some charges for you. Let's see..." She looked down at the notebook. Her cheerful expression (somewhat out of place on an orc) fell into a frown. "Is that an e or an i?" she muttered. Marilla, realising that orcs, even ones with notebooks, were probably a bad sign (wedding guests notwithstanding), started to back away. Freckles looked up with narrowed eyes.
"Forget the list," she said. "Marilla, you are charged with wanton alteration of the character of Legolas Thranduillion, consistent abuse of the English language, rampant ignorance of the nature of Mirkwood, and generally being an annoying Mary-Sue. Do you have any last words?"
"Last words?" the Sue repeated. "You can't kill Legolas will save me"
"I don't think so," Freckles said, and reached over her shoulder. Her frown deepened. "Now, where did I put my bow?"
There was a loud Twang! from the door of the church. Marilla, Vanessielcame and Freckles all stared with equal astonishment at the arrow protruding from Marilla's chest. The noise repeated itself, and Vanessielcame sprouted a second, matching arrow. Marilla's hand came up slowly to touch the fletching on her own.
"But this is Legolas arrow," she said, and promptly collapsed. The millions who had gathered to witness her wedding realised they weren't meant to be there, and swiftly wavered and blinked out. The chapel followed them, passing into nonexistence and leaving Freckles standing on the bank of the Forest River with two corpses and one approaching partner.
"He didn't really need that one," Sandra called, addressing the Sue. "I snitched it from his quiver while you were waiting for him earlier - I thought it seemed appropriate." She came to a halt in front of her partner, who nodded approvingly.
"You blocked Thranduil from coming in," she said. "Did you hurt him?"
"Ducked behind a tree and shouted for help," Sandra said with a shrug. "I figured by the time he'd done searching, you ought to be finished up here. Oh, you can have your bow back." She held out the orc weapon. Freckles glared at her.
"She should have been my kill," she said. Sandra smiled faintly.
"You got the last one," she pointed out. "But haven't we had this discussion before...?"
Disclaimer: The PPC is the creation of Jay and Acacia. ‘promise ring’ is the sole property of Meggz Hope. The agents and mission are mine.