Clapcast 76: November 29th, 2023
Transcriber: Nico (QueerlyDeparted#5059)
[Clapcast theme by Jack de Quidt begins playing]
Keith: Yeah I’m like, I’m in a weird spot with the guitar because I’ve been playing for 20 years.
Art: Alright.
Keith: Which is psychotic.
Art: Yeah.
Keith: And I’ve never really stopped. Ummm. And so the things that I want to get good at are like, really specific. Like I need a teacher to teach me, like, how music works. I don’t need- I don’t need someone to like, show me chords. But like, a lot of the curriculums you’ll find really want you to learn those two things side by side.
Art: Mmm. See I’m at the other side from you. I know how music works, and I need someone to just show me how to- where to put my fingers.
Keith: Mmhm. Yeah. Yeah.
Art: Or I guess it depends what you mean by “how music works.” By- [laughs]
Keith: Ah, yeah.
Jack: Historical schools of thought have differed on that [laughs]
Art: [laughs]
Keith: Yeah I just need one of the schools. I don’t- I honestly don’t care which school. I’m- I- uh you know. As long as I don’t need to get a microtonal guitar because I accidentally learned the ragas then I’ll be fine.
Jack: Yeah it would be tricky to do that accidentally I think. [Keith laughs] Although…
Keith: Yeah I think accidentally learning ahhh [Jack: Oh my god.] y’know, music from the Indian subcontinent but with a guitar that can’t play it would be tough.
Jack: I would love to play a microtonal guitar. I’ve never… [Keith: Yeah same.] I’ve never played a microtonal instrument other than the violin unintentionally. Which is, I suppose, is just playing the violin badly. But the thought- [Keith: Right.] -of being able to properly do that on an instrument. I don’t know, have you ever played a fretless guitar, Keith?
Keith: I’ve played a fretless bass.
Jack: What- is that- is it very difficult for the same reason the violin is difficult?
Keith: In- in that you need to very precisely put your fingers somewhere or it sounds terrible? Yes.
Jack: Yes.
Keith: Yeah.
Jack: Okay, cool. Have you started guitar lessons, then, Art?
Art: No. I missed fall enrollment and [Keith: Mmm.] -am currently [Jack: Ohhh.] looking at spring enrollment.
Jack: Um, there’s a little bit of buzz in the left channel for me, Art. From you. Are you hearing that too, Keith? Or is this my headphones?
Art: Hm.
Keith: Ummm let me turn my headphone volume up there. Art can I get something from you?
Art: Yeah I can talk like this, this is- this is what it sounds like.
Jack: And now it’s gone away.
Keith: Yep, I don’t hear it at all.
Jack: Spooky. Oh well.
Keith: I guess it was- maybe it was like a moving ummm cable somewhere?
Jack: It might have been a moving cable on my end. I’ve had to very slightly change my audio setup. So previously I had- because the headphone jack in my PC was kind of flaky, I’ve been running, um, audio through a Playstation 4 controller on my desk.
Keith: Ohhh.
Jack: A recent Windows update has meant that the Windows will now route any audio that goes through the Playstation controller out of its tiny speakers and not the headphone jack of that controller.
Keith: What about the headphone jack on your mixer?
Jack: [leaned back from the mic] Um it’s um- the wrong size. It’s one of the big ones.
Keith: Ohhh. Don’t you have an adapter from the last time that that was- cause it was- that was also true on the old one.
Jack: Ah, ssssssomewhere.
Keith: Okay.
Art: Hey Jack. What are the uh-
Jack: Hey Art.
Art: What are the strings on my guitar made of?
Jack: Uhhh good question. Um, they are- I have asked myself the same question. ‘Cause the tone on that guitar was so lovely and I can’t remember if I put those strings on or if you gave them to me like that. I tend to use silk and steel strings.
Art: Mmm.
Jack: Um, which are uh- exactly what they sound like. It’s- it’s silk wrapped in steel.
Art: Alright. So I can’t-
Jack: No.
Art: I can’t take this guitar class. They only want to teach me on a nylon string guitar.
Keith: Oh. And you probably don’t even want to learn the kind of music that that class would teach you anyway. Well maybe you do. I shouldn’t- I shouldn’t make that judgment but-
Jack: Uh. That’s like classical guitar.
Art: Yeah.
Keith: Mhmm.
Art: I just want them to tell me where to put my fingers.They won’t-
Keith: Yeah but you need a nylon- you need a whole different kind of guitar to put the strings on.
Art: They won’t- yeah. I’m not gonna, like, buy or rent a guitar for this. I’ll probably just find a different class. I would like to be taught and I would also not like to be taught by someone who’s only teaching me.
Keith: At a time, you mean.
Jack: You wanna be- you wanna learn in a group?
Art: Yeah I wanna learn in a group.
Jack: Oh fun!
Ali: Can you do that for adults?
Art: Yeah. Yeah!.
Keith: Yeah it’s called a class.
[Ali laughs]
[Jack laughs]
Art: [amused] That is what it’s called.
Jack: Why- no offense Art, but this sounds like it would be my nightmare. Like trying to learn an instrument surrounded by other people also trying to learn an instrument. What is it that draws you to like, doing it with people?
Art: I don’t want someone to like- look at me while I’m doing it basically.
[Keith laughs]
Art: I understand that like in the class setting that’s happening. [Ali: Oh.] But I need the somewhat anonymity of like, [Ali laughs] and then we’re gonna move on to someone else, yeah.
Keith: [cross] You want the pressure kind of spread out across 15 people
Ali: [still laughing] But you’re gonna want the teacher to be paying attention to you.
Art: Yeah. But- but not only me.
Ali: [amused] Ohhkay. And you wanna learn from others.
Art: Yeah. I don’t know-
Ali: Like if the guy next to you is like- [Art: Oh yeah.] If the teacher goes to the guy next to you and is like “Move your hands.” You can be like “Oh shit, my hands also need to be adjusted” or whatever.
Art: Yeah.
Keith: And if the teacher were to look at you, what do you think that would do?
[Ali laughs]
Art: Um. Are you familiar with the Greek mythological character Medusa?
Jack: Ohhh!
Keith: Ohhh and which one are you? [chuckles]
[Jack chuckles]
Art: Not Medusa. [laughs]
Keith: Okay you would turn to stone okay gotcha.
Jack: Right.
Art: Yeah.
Jack: Yeah.
Art: They do offer a non-classical guitar class. Beginner guitar.
Keith: Yeah.
Jack: That’s the one you want!
Keith: It- it- it should be. And no judgment to the classical guitarists out there: I owned a classical guitar until my mom stepped on it and broke it. It should be the more popular class.
Jack: Yeah.
Keith: There’s not a ton of market for classical guitar right now.
Jack: But it is beautiful.
Keith: Oh, it’s very beautiful!
Jack: And-
Art: [cross] Well no one’s-
Jack: [cross] Yeah I-
Ali: [cross] Will only be performed with nylon…
Art: Teaching it at this college. It’s in their-
Jack: [cross] Basically, Ali…
Art: -course catalog but it’s not being offered in this academic year.
Jack: Classical guitar is played on- Firstly it’s played on different strings, and then the, um, the like, measurements of the fingerboard and- relative to the strings is different. There’s like- the guitar is set up in a slightly different way. Ummm, the action of playing it is different.
Keith: Yeah.
Jack: Such that you could- In the same way as like, having an electric guitar, because you have those pickups it means that the strings are so much more sensitive, which means you can do so many different things with them than you could do on an acoustic guitar. It’s similar with an acoustic guitar and a classical guitar where it’s like, the way the instrument is built- [Keith: Yeah.] -affords you different ways of playing.
Keith: They sound extremely different because the acoustic guitar that we know was designed at the cost of playability to be extremely loud.
[Jack sighs and laughs]
Keith: And the classical guitar was designed to be easy to play at the cost of being fairly quiet. Um-
Ali: But like wha- what’s- I- what was the gar- guitar material in like, Shakespearian age?
Keith: Guts. The guts of [Jack: Guts.] sheep.
Ali: Okay.
Keith: [cross] And the nylon is meant to emulate the gut.
Jack: [cross] And the sound is considerably-
Ali: Okay.
Art: And like, don’t serious violin people still use guts?
Keith: Mmhm.
Jack: Yeah! [pause] I mean if they’ve already got horse hair on the bow it’s- it’s just a short journey to another bit of the animal.
Art [amused]: Well you can- you can take hair off the horse and leave the horse.
Jack: No, it kills them, Art!
[Ali laughs]
Art: Does it?
Keith: [cross] Yeah it kills them. Horses are so sensitive!
Art: [cross] Wow, from the- from shame.
Jack: Yeah from sha- It’s much like Medusa. The violin is a deeply cruel instrument but people [Ali laughs] love it so much that- y’know?
Keith: And this is- This is why we have glue.
Jack: This is why we have glue.
Art: [cross] To do something with the violin by-products.
Keith: [cross] Yeah. You take the horse-
Keith: [laughs] Yeah you take the hair off the horse- [Jack: It dies.] -and then you just got a whole rest of the horse to figure out what to do with.
Ali: Hm.
Jack: Yeah. Yeah. Also uh, skulls. Sick skulls for folk horror festivals.
Keith: [cross] Yeah they found the skull of the horse. They had used everything but the skull.
Jack: [cross] Because they found the skull the scariest.
Ali: I apologize to all the horse fans who are [laughs] maybe listening to this.
Keith: Yeah they’re loving it! Finally they’re talking about horses!
Ali: I don’t know what we’re doing. I don’t know what we’re talking about.
Art: [cross] We’re talking about the great, sensitive animal: the horse.
Jack: [cross] The beautiful, sensitive animal: the horse.
Jack: I saw a TikTok this morning, it was the first thing I saw this morning when I- [Ali: Wow.] -when I awoke from slumber. I awoke from slumber- [Ali: You have to be careful.] -phone in my hands, blasted TikTok straight in my face.
Ali: Ope. Oh.
Art: That’s what they say to do.
[doorbell buzzes]
Jack: [gasps] Dinner! And it was of a donkey who was playing with a really large rubber chicken. [laughs]
[Keith laughs]
Jack: This donkey- I have to imagine ‘cause the rubber chicken, when it honks, makes a similar sort of honk to the donkey. Uh, they were kindred spirits, honking it, running around, spinning in circles, the works. [leans back from mic] It was great.
Art: Sounds great.
Keith: Um…anyway when they finally used all the parts of the horse, they had the skull left over- [Art laughs] -and they were like “We gotta crea- this is awesome. We need to create some kind of music for this.”
Jack: Yeah.
Art: Yeah.
Jack: And what music do they create?
Keith: Ummm. Horror folk.
Jack: Ohhh yeah. Yeah yeah yeah. Absolutely nailed it. We want someone playing a mandolin. Janine gave me a mandolin when she came to visit, which was nice. Or loaned me a mandolin.
Keith: That’s a fun one to play.
Jack: Yeah it is a fun one to play! And I did some mandolin stuff in Hieron, I think Red Jack’s theme has a big mandolin part in it. But it’s tuned the same way as the violin, which is really fun to have them, like, next to each other.
Keith: Mmm.
Jack: Um, but very- very- strings are very taut on a mandolin. It’s very sort of, like, physically unpleasant instrument to play.
Keith: Yeah.
Jack: Although I suppose I should be using a pick.
Keith: Yeah. [long pause] A plectrum.
Jack: A plectrum. I hate using a pick so much.
Art: Huh.
Keith: Finger picks? Or flat picks?
Jack: Either. Any. Either. Far as I’m concerned, when you’re playing the guitar, you should use the picks God gave you: Your hands. Ow, ow, why do my hands hurt?
Art: Mmm.
Keith: That’s fair.
Jack: God didn’t give us picks, other than the picks that he gave to the- to the coal miners to enable the great service of the land to us.
Art: Have you thought about maybe growing one really long fingernail- [Jack sighs] -you could use for this?
Jack: Horrible. No, I wouldn’t like that either. [cross] No, cause-
Art: Cause that’s God’s pick.
Jack: That is God’s pick. [cross] God did provide me with those.
Keith: [cross] That is God’s pick.
Jack: Instead I simply suffer. Ummm. Yeah. [laughs] As God intended.
Art: Yeah. Alright, Ali’s not back yet. I’m gonna feed Mabel. Because we’re gonna get going and I’m not gonna want to stop in ten minutes. [pause] No one could say for sure where Ali is.
Jack: Uh the- The bell rang and she went to get her food.
Art: I’ll be right back.
Jack: [long sigh] [pause] Counterweight.
Keith: Counterweight. [pause] Oooh!
Jack: We sure do.
Keith: Do we? [laughs] I don’t knooow.
Jack: We’ve- we’ve- I had a-… Yeah. Ibex hasn’t been born yet. [laughs] He gets born, y’know, early in Counterweight, grows very quickly in sort of a vat somewhere. But weirdly, Kobus, Kobus is actually technically older but is just grown naturally.
Keith: Does- does Kobus Benjamin Button?
Jack: No. [laughs] Neither of these people- [laughs] -neither of these people Benjamin Button. We’ve spoken it into fact now, how it works. You gotta be real careful. Power of stories. It’s not a magic circle it’s a net.
Keith: Yep.
Jack: Oh yeah. Now, if my experience of Counterweight is anything to go by, my recent listen to Counterweight, “these fuckers” is Adler and her crew [Keith and Jack laugh] of Horizon Tactical Solutions mercenaries. Oh God. No. Exciting.
Ali: Hello?
Jack: Hello!
Ali: Oh hi! [laughs] No one was talking, I thought there was a problem.
Jack: No.
Ali: Mmm. Mmhm.
Keith: And I’m just looking at old Counterweight stuff.
Jack: I’m looking at this really useful cheatsheet- The- [Austin: Yeah, it’s good. Shoutouts to-.] -The angels on the earth are the people who make cheat sheets [Austin: Yeah.] for [Austin: Yeah, agreed.] TTRPGs.
[Austin clears throat]
Jack: I do find that my practical method is I read the book and I highlight things with a highlighter pen. And then I close the book and I forget- [Austin: Mmm.] -all of them.
Austin: Mmhm.
Jack: And then I print- [Ali sighs] -out the cheatsheet, and find that they have essentially excerpted all the bits that I highlighted.
Austin: Yeah. Yeah.
Keith: Mmm. Hey, but the act of highlighting, that’s good for your memory anyway.
Austin: Yeah!
Jack: That’s what they say.
Ali: They say.
Jack: Oh! I watched some- I watched some Dragon Ball today Austin.
Austin: Oh how’d that go? How do you like little Goku?
Jack: What a weird little guy he is!
[Ali laughs]
Austin: [cross] He is a little weirdo. He’s a little weirdo!
Keith: [cross] Mmmmm.
Jack: Has he got a tail?
Ali: Uh-huh.
Keith: He does, yeah.
Austin: Mmhm.
Jack: Why?! Why does he have a tail?
Keith: Ah-
Austin: Do you want the- which answer do you want?
Ali: You should read to find out.
Austin: Yeah.
Jack: Okay. [laughs] Okay! Fair enough!
Ali: You should not know.
Keith: You should take your answer on the air.
[Ali laughs]
Jack: Yeah I’ll take my answer on the air.
Austin: Well again- mmm. There’s a production answer that’s different than the lore answer, is- is worth saying.
Jack: Oh really?
Austin: Yeah.
Jack: Huh.
Austin: Yeah.
Keith: Is that true? [cross] I guess I don’t know what your production answer would be.
Austin: [cross] Why do you think he has a tail in Dragon Ball, Keith?
[Ali laughs]
Keith: So that he can turn into the ape.
Austin: Yeah but why- why the tai- what’s the- what- what role is Goku?
Keith: Oh, right! Because it’s a- it’s a- [Jack: Oh!] -basically direct retelling of Journey to the West is why.
Austin: Direct retelling of Journey to the West, yeah, exactly.
Jack: Shit, okay, that makes sense.
Austin: Yeah.
Keith: So I guess that’s the- yeah- that is the answer that- [Austin: Yeah.] is easy to re-give to you later- [Austin: Mmhm.] -with the longer answer.
Austin: Yeah.
Jack: Yes.
Austin: But if you’re like “Why is there a pig?” “Why is there a monkey?” This is why.
Keith: Right.
Austin: Y’know.
Keith: “Why are there capsules that turn into spaceships?”
Austin: Just like in Journey to the West.
Jack: [laughs] He rides a cloud in Journey to the West, right?
[Ali laughs]
Keith: He sure does!
Jack: No, no, he’s-
Austin: Is that not in these episodes? [laughs]
[Ali still laughing]
Keith: Uh, it happens to not to be- [Austin: Okay.] -because he meets a friend that he…
Austin: Gets a ride with?
Keith: Wants to get on an airplane with.
Austin: Yeah. Okay.
Jack: I cannot believe that one of the few things I know about Dragon Ball is that he rides a little cloud-
Austin: [cross] You not- okay. Oh okay.
Jack: -and I had never put together that- [Austin: Yeah.] I never combined the elements to be like “Oh shit, this is Journey to the West!”
Austin: Mmhm.
[Ali laughs]
Keith: He’s even got the pole staff thing.
Austin: He even has the pole staff. He even has the little- the extendable staff.
Jack: Does Journey to the West have a Kame House?
Austin: Y’know I don’t know. It probably has a perverted old man, though.
Jack: That guy! That guy!
Keith: Yeah.
Austin: Uh-huh!
Jack: He was fuckin’ funny is this episode.
Keith: [laughing] So funny! He sucks but he’s funny.
Jack: He, like, spins around and shit. He’s got- he’s got acrobatic moves. That old man.
[Austin chuckles]
Keith: Yeah.
Austin: Hell yeah.
Art: I’m here. I- We can…
Jack: Hello!
Art: Hi.
Austin: Welcome back. Hi. Uhhh-
Keith: Do you like Goku, Art?
[Ali laughs]
Art: Goku’s pretty okay!
Austin: Yeah shoutouts to Goku.
Keith: Yeah.
Art: Definitely my- [Art pauses] [Ali coughs] -in my top tier of Dragon Ball protagonists.
Austin: Yeah!
Keith: That’s a small tier.
Ali: Yeah.
Jack: Per time.is, today is International Day of Solidarity with the Palestinian people, and also International Jaguar Day.
Art: Mmm.
Austin: Huh.
Jack: [cross] Both good days. I don’t know that I would-
Art: [cross] Do you think it’s the animal or the car?
Austin: [cross] I bet it’s the Jagua- I bet it’s the- Ehhh, y’know, I don’t-.
Keith: Nope, it’s the animal.
Austin: Okay.
Ali: D-
Austin: What’s up?
Ali: What’s up with that first one? [chuckles]
Austin: Eh.
Ali: Did they, like, just decide that?
Austin: [cross] Eh I’m sure it’s- I bet it’s-
Jack: [cross] Yeah I don’t know.
Austin: 1977.
Jack: It’s per the UN, yeah.
Ali: Oh.
Austin: Yeah, mmhm. [amused snort]
Austin: [cross] Mmm- ah- what it really-
Jack: [cross] Everyone’s favorite- the UN.
Austin: What the thing is. This is a classic “Uh-oh, we fucked up today, let’s turn it into the other thing.” ‘Cause 1947 is when the assembly adopted the partition originally.
Keith: Mmm.
Austin: Yeah.
Jack: Oh! So it was the classic piece of colonialism. [Austin: Yes.] We will- uh- uh-
Keith: Make a day for our mistake and also not say-
Austin: Columbus Day becomes Indigenous People’s Day, etc. Right.
Jack: Yes.
Ali: Mmm. Hm.
Austin: Yeah. Mmhm.
Jack: Cool. But it is however International Jaguar Day.
Austin: It is.
Jack: And that is uncomplicated and to be celebrated.
Keith: Actually 100 years before today, they were out killing jaguars for their pelts.
Jack: That is probably also true. [Austin snorts] What a horrible Earth!
Art: Jaguars are rad though.
Austin: They are.
Keith: They are yeah. In my- [Ali: What if-] -top tier of big cats.
[Ali laughs]
Jack: [amused] Yes Ali?
Ali: I’m imagining a situation where we’re all having this conversation and then realize that National Jaguar Day was for the car.
Austin: Yeah, that’d be great.
[everyone laughs]
Austin: [cross] We’d be confused. It would be- Yeah, yeah.
Ali: [cross] And then- oh we’d be upset. Yeah, um. [laughs]
Jack: I don’t think cars should have a national day. But I do think every animal should have one.
Ali: Oh yeah sure.
Jack: But the nice thing is, because there are more animals than there are days…
Ali: Mmm.
Art: For now.
Jack: For now.
[everyone makes noises of displeasure]
Jack: They just sort of stack up. Randomly assign an animal to a day.
Austin: [sighs] What’s the thing that you say about an animal out of context?
[Jack laughs]
Austin: Alright, time.is. We’re already there cause we’re looking at the days that it is. Top of theee minute?
Keith: Mmhm.
Austin: Give people some time, do a little stretch. [makes a stretching noise]
[everyone claps in succession]
Austin: Alright.
Austin: [cross] That’s an important thing.
Art: [cross] Hey um-
Austin: Is that the people there know about the rest of the galaxy. And they choose that.
Keith: Oh, I forgot about that.
Austin: This is how it becomes on-cycle eventually, right? [Art: Um.] That’s- that’s the- they decided it would be better to live in this fucked up, [snorts] broken, backwards ass system. Anyway.
Art: Ev- We should probably take a minute because we’re about to have an all-time great “Being on Twitter” moment ‘cause Henry Kissinger is dead.
Austin: [cross] Let’s fucking goooo [this continues for a long time]
Jack: [cross] Woah! Yeah!
Keith: [cross] Woah. Holy shit.
Art: [cross] Let’s fucking go.
Austin: [cont] -oooo-
Jack: [cross] The Counterweight- Counterweight- being back- [laughs]
Art: [cross] [laughing] The Counterweight prequel killed Henry Kissinger.
Austin: [cont] -ooooooo- I could do this foreveeeerrrrrrrr!
[Art laughs]
Jack: Rot in hell you piece of shit!
Austin: Let’s gooooo.
Jack: Wow!
Keith: That’s one of the all time best deaths!
Jack: Yeah!
[Ali laughs]
Austin: All time best death.
Jack: That’s a real top death. Gosh, roll out the red flaming carpet for that piece of shit.
Austin: Absol-utely.
Art: Yeah.
Jack: Wow! Goodbye and no luck to that- [laughs] [Austin: Wow.] -sack of shit.
Austin: Twitter’s good again.
Jack: “Henry Kissinger, a foreign policy thinker and statesman whose influence rivaled that of presidents’, has died at 100,” says the New York Times.
Austin: Incredible.
Jack: And then it says, “His complicated legacy [laughs] still resonates.”
[Keith laughs]
Jack: Yeah, resonates in the fucking grave. Bounces around in the dirt and worms.
[Art chuckles]
Austin: God. Incredible.
Art: I’m so happy I was able to be here with you all for this moment.
[Ali laughs]
Jack: [cross] Yeah. We did this on purpose.
Austin: [cross] Yeah. “RIP Bozo” is trending! [laughs]
Keith: [cross] Yeah. [laughing] “RIP Bozo!”
[Art and Ali losing it]
Keith: I opened Twitter and the first thing I saw was the account “Is Henry Kissinger [Austin: Yeah same.] Dead Yet?” tweeting “Yes.” That was great.
Austin: [sighs] Goddd.
Art: [amused] Uh the things are trending: It Finally Happened, RIP Bozo, and Anthony Bourdain.
Austin: That’s fuckin’ right. Shoutouts Anthony Bourdain the all-timer, uhhh. Very happy to have, y’know, him looking down. Do I believe in Heaven? Not really, no. [Ali laughs] [cross] But if there was a Heaven, Anthony Bourdain [laughs]
Jack: [cross] Do I believe in Hell? Abso-lutely. [laughs]
Austin: Anthony Bourdain lookin’ down.
Art: [cross] Ohhh my god, it’s gonna be s-
Jack: [cross] I’m- I just- it’s a shame — that he made it to 100. Y’know?
Keith: Did he really?
Jack: Yeah he was- he was 100 years old. [Keith: Wow.] And it might’ve been- I feel like it would’ve been good if he had been denied even the three digits.
Austin: Yeah, it’d be great. [Keith: Yeah.] It would be great.
Art: But the good news is he gets to be in Hell forever!
Austin: [cross] Ohhh. That’s how that works.
Jack: [cross] Yeah, you can’t escape there!
Keith: [cross] Right.
Jack: Ummm. Only go deeper, they’re digging a 10th circle.
Keith: Yeah.
Austin: Yeah.
Jack: Ummm.
Austin: Y’all wanna just call it off and just, like, go celebrate?
[Ali and Keith laugh]
Jack: I think I’ll let off a firecracker!
Keith: Oh, I wish I had a firecracker.
Jack: I saw a TikTok, earlier, of people putting different fireworks under a large metal pot and seeing how far it shot the pot into the air. Aaand that’s the way I wanna celebrate Kissinger’s death. [Art laughs] Blast a cast-iron skillet 500 feet into the sky. [Austin laughs]
Austin: Uh, Blowback Season 4 tw- Blowback Pod just tweeted “With the passing of Henry Kissinger, we would like to announce that Season 5 of Blowback will be about Cambodia.” And then- and then, Brendan James, one of the co-hosts of Blowback, said, “Not a joke, although Noah and i did joke that he would die this year to help promote this season. Thank you Henry.”
[Keith, Jack, and Ali laughing]
Austin: Incredible.
Jack: Oh my goddd. Ayesha Siddiqi just quote tweet the “Is Henry Kissinger Dead Yet?” [Austin chuckles] with the phrase “hell is patient…” [Ali chuckles] and then a link to this incredible t-shirt. And I’m just gonna post in the Chime chat…
Austin: Ahhh. Twitter user- [Jack: It’s just-] -DoinkPatrol [Keith: It’s a great shirt] says “thank you, nicki. thank you” [Ali laughs] and then quote tweets a tweet from Nicki Minaj 6 hours ago that says “The fact that y’all have no idea what’s about to happen” [Ali laughing while he tries to read the tweet] [Austin laughs]
[everyone laughs]
Art: Do you think she did it?
Austin: She did it! [Jack: Yeah!] She was in the room!
Jack: Unquestionably!
Keith: She did it.
Austin: Yeah.
[Austin and Jack sigh]
Jack: [cross] The best! Yeah Art has-
Austin: [cross] God. Increeeedible.
Jack: Art has tweeted “What a great day” and then screencapped “It Finally Happened. RIP Bozo. [Keith coughs] Anthony Bourdain.”
Keith: [cross] RIP Bozo is great.
Austin: Uh-huh.
Art: God.
Keith: It happened so fast, too.
Art: [laughing] Live your life so that no one tweets “RIP Bozo” when you die.
Austin: That’s kinda it, right? I mean- no no no wait. Live your life so that the right people say “RIP Bozo” [Ali chuckles] [Keith: Yeah.] -but not enough that it gets trending. Right?
Art: Sure.
Keith: Yeah.
Ali: Mmm.
Jack: Yeah. Yeah.
Austin: ‘Cause some people-
Keith: Well, maybe, maybe trending.
Austin: Iii think you- the people who- I think the “RIP Bozo” over indexes to cool people. You know what I mean?
Keith: Mmhm.
Austin: More- wh- I don’t think the people who hate me would say “RIP Bozo,” I think that they would say like-
Keith: Oh okay, specifically the phrase “RIP Bozo.” They would say something else.
Austin: Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. They would say like [irritated grumbling noise]
Jack: Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.
Ali: Mmm.
Art: Yeah.
Ali: Mmhm.
Austin: Yeah.
Art: [cross] I mean now- now that we’ve had this conversation-
Jack: [cross] It’s like- I don’t like to speak ill of the dead but-
Art: -if you want- [Austin: Right.] -to tweet “RIP Bozo” when I go, y’know. Honestly I hope I outlive Twitter.
Austin: [cross] But we mean it in a good way. Can we mean it in a good way? Like in like a-
Keith: [cross] Can you imagine?
Austin: In like a, Bozo’s actually Bozo the Clown, hero to all, RIP Bozo.
Art: Yeah. Yeah honestly this is really a disservice to Bozo.
Austin: Yeah. Totally.
Keith: [laughs] Sh- Yeah yeah.
Austin: There’s this line in the- in- in- the last, uh, Book of the New Sun books, the fourth Book of the New Sun books that’s like, “When you compare something to the rain or the sun, what you were saying is the rain or the sun is better than that thing.” Uh, because otherwise you wouldn’t say it that way. You wouldn’t say that your eyes are as beautiful as the sun, y’know, you’re saying- you- you- you would be insulting otherwise. And I think this is not the case with Bozo. [Jack laughs] I think when we’re saying RIP Bozo, you’re saying “RIP” and then in parentheses, “You’re not as good as Bozo, the world’s most famous clown. Y’know, that’s-
Jack: Yeah, a franchised clown.
Austin: Right. Exactly. Exactly.
Jack: Oh my god what a delight! Wow!
Keith: Can you imagine like, how many journalists are gonna be not embarrassed to write something like [Art chuckles], really non-specific about his [Jack chuckles] li- I’m just- I’ve already seen three screencaps of headlines where it’s like wow. If these people had any shame they would be really embarrassed of this headline being attributed to them.
Austin: Yeah. Can I tweet that we were recording this while this happened?
[Ali laughs]
Art: [cross] I- I- Yeah, I almost did.
Keith: [cross] Yeah.
Austin: Yeah.
Ali: Go ahead.
Jack: Let ‘em know. Y’know?
Austin: I’m just gonna do a screenshot, and it be Roll20 with Counterweight up on it. Y’know?
Jack: Ah, I also- I also wanna shout out a tweet from Snufkincore cohost.org/keithjcarberry [Keith laughs] 6 hours ago- [Austin: Mmm!] -and he tweeted-
Art: Love that! Hope I find out who that is someday.
[everyone laughs]
Jack: He- he tweeted, “if i were a god i would be a wrathful god. extremely lucky that when i see the wickedness in the world i just have to live in it still instead of flooding it.” Keith, maybe you killed Kissinger.
Austin: You killed Kissiniger?
[Keith laughs]
Keith: Ummm…
Austin: Alright, banger- [Keith: No!] -obituary ah header here from Rolling Stone. I’ll give this one it. I’ll give ‘em this one. “Henry Kissinger, War Criminal Beloved By America’s Ruling Class [Keith chuckles] Finally Dies.” [chuckles]
[Keith and Jack laugh]
Keith: [amused] Okay. That’s a good one.
Art: I’d like to shoutout the Twitter account Springfieldians, which tweets just still pictures of characters in the Simpsons, who have a picture of when Henry Kissinger was on the Simpsons. Not the actual Henry Kissinger. “good riddance to the monstrous piece of shit that was henry kissinger. hope you drop your glasses in hell's toilet for all eternity.” [snorts]
Jack: [laughs] What- um- what was that awful obituary that uh- accidentally called someone useless? Like the AI called them useless when they died.
Art: Yeah, I know what you’re talking about.
Austin: [cross] Uh, it was a- it was a sports player-
Jack: [cross] That’s what should’ve happened with Kissinger deliberately.
Austin: It was an athlete- it was an athlete who died. It was called “utterly useless” or something in the headlines.
Jack: Yes. It was very sad but it would’ve been very- it was sad and funny [Keith: Oh.] and it would’ve been joyful and funny [Austin: Yeah.] if that had happened now.
Keith: The uhhh. I wish I could find the really shitty one that sucked but the- uh- Huffington Post one is “The Beltway Butcher War Criminal Kissinger Dead At 100” which is- [Austin: Let’s go.] -also pretty good.
Austin: Y’know people had this ready to go. People had this in [Keith: Yeah.] the chamber, you have to hope. Right.
Keith: You can’t- I mean I can’t imagine not wanting to- ‘cause it’s such an easy dunk. Like it’s almost not worth giving someone credit for standing up to dead Kissinger.
Austin: Right. Right.
Art: No. I want people doing fuckin’ NBA dunk contests. [Jack and Austin laugh] Bouncing off the backboard, jump over a car. [Keith: Right.] I don’t care. Do- do your most elaborate dunks [Austin: Yeah yeah yeah.] this week.
Keith: Yeah. Here’s one that I- “Henry Kissinger, Who Shaped World Affairs Under Two Presidents, Dies At 100. The diplomat exercised an unparalleled control over US international affairs and policy making. He was also the target of relentless critics who deemed him unprincipled and amoral.” [Jack: Which he was.] That from Thomas Litman, which of course he was, yeah.
Art: I think he was too principled and too amoral.
Austin: [amused] I got an update. It now uh- RIP Bozo has been replaced on the trending with “Rest In Piss Bozo.”
[everyone laughs]
Austin: A little more clarity, I really appreciate this. Uh, I really appreciate it.
Art: I still have “RIP Bozo,” “Anthony Bourdain,” then “Rest In Piss Bozo.” Then… “Congressman Trump?” [Austin: Ugh.] Then “Ryan Dunn.” Then, “He’s Dead.” [Austin chuckles] Then “#LetsFuckingGoMets.” [Austin laughs and claps] [Jack laughs] And if the Mets were involved in this, [Austin: If the Mets were involved in this!] [Keith laughs] I want to say- [Austin: Ohhh.] [laughs] -great work.
Austin: You don’t have “It Finally Happened?”
Art: Uh that’s above-
Jack: [cross] I have “It Finally Happened,” yeah.
Keith: [cross] I have “It-” Yeah, I have “It Finally Happened,” yeah.
Austin: Love it.
Keith: Congressman Trump?
Austin: Y’all don’t have “AEW Dynamite?” [laughs]
[Ali laughs]
Keith: No.
Austin: [laughing] Do you think- Do you think- Do you think Mox came out to announce this like when John Cena [Art laughs] announced Bin Laden?
Ali: [cross] Ohhhhhhh.
Jack: Goddd.
Austin: [laughing] Caught- caught and compromised to a permanent end: Henry Kissinger.
[Jack laughs]
[Art laughs]
Jack: Ah. “To a permanent end.” That man was alive once but he will never be alive again.
Austin: Sorry I have to tweet the thing I just said.
[Art chuckles]
Keith: Now we just have to wait for everyone who was ever influenced by him to die.
Austin: Uh-huh.
Jack: Hell is patient!
Austin: Yeah, it’s true.
[Jack chuckles]
Art: Oh you didn’t- I thought you meant the whole thing with the- [starts laughing] -Jon Mox, I thought you were gonna tweet the whole…
Austin: Oh no just this part. Just the part that other people would- yeah no. No no no. You can draw that- people can go with it themselves… I- Y’know I’ll do a follow up that says, “I thought about-” [chuckles]
Art: I’m not trying to police your Twitter, but I-
Austin: [narrating while typing] “I tweeted this only because I saw that Dynamite was trending and imagined Moxley [chuckles] coming out and saying this.”
Art: Oh, I haven’t felt- This is- this is like the “Trump getting COVID” day.
[Jack laughs]
Austin: It is like that. [pause] He should get that again.
Art: I’m sure he has. It just isn’t news anymore.
Jack: Yeah just have another go.
Keith: That one was anticlimactic though.
Austin: Yeah.
Art: Yeah.
Austin: Yeah.
Art: But it was a great night.
Austin: It was.
Keith: It was, yeah.
Art: It’s about the friends we made along the way.
Austin: Alright. Wanna try to get this thing off the ground? [Keith: Mmhm.] Are we too high on…Kissinger death? [chuckles] To do this?
Art: [amused] Nah I mean I think…I think we could try.
Keith: I can do it.
Austin: Okay. Ali, do you want a clap?
Ali: Sure!
Austin: [amused] So you have when we ended this?
Ali: [amused] Uh-huh.
Austin: Three-
[someone claps]
Austin: W- okay.
Ali: Oh. [laughs]
[Art and Jack laugh]
Ali: I would just see it. ‘Cause I…really didn’t talk that entire…
Austin: [cross] Yeah you would just see it. Is that fine?
[someone claps]
Ali: [amused] Yeah yeah yeah. I’m good.
Austin: There we go. Don’t line those up, those aren’t line-up claps.
Ali: [amused] Mmhm. Mmhm. Mmhm. Mmhm.
Austin: Um… [someone clears their throat] Okay. Where the fuck were we?
Austin: How’s it going? Anybody back? Just me? [pause] Just me. Bought that t-shirt. Talking to myself now. But I did- I did buy it.
Ali: Hello.
Austin: Hi.
Ali: I’ve been here, I was just muted [cross] because I was eating Chinese food.
Austin: [cross] Oh cause you’re eating food. Oooh what’d you get?
Ali: I have some beef with broccoli here.
Austin: Hell yeah.
Ali: As you know.
Austin: Hell yeah.
Ali: Ummm… But yeah I love Ayesha’s, um, designs. I have one of her, um… “The ones we love are enemy-” uh- “the ones we love are enemies of the state” t-shirts.
Austin: Oooh. That’s banger. That’s good.
Ali: It’s truuue.
Austin: [noise of agreement] Good size variety here.
Ali: Uh-huh.
Keith: My office is, like, an addition off of the- this apartment complex.
Austin: Mmm.
Keith: And so unlike every other room in the building, uhhh, it, like, doesn’t have another apartment next to it. Aaand it’s…worse construction, because the rest of the building is an old mill. Uhhh. And it’s- in the summer it gets really hot in here, and in the winter it gets really cold. I finally- it got so cold that I had to take the air conditioner out of my window. But it’s still like, oh my god it’s like 48 degrees in here right now. So I just let- I just let the, uh, the door open, and there’s a vent from the central air that blows in to here from out there. There’s no central air in here, ummm. And I’m making some tea ‘cause it’s so- too- just too cold to…act. [amused] It’s too cold to make pretend.
Austin: Yeah. That’s- that’s a nightmare dude. Yeah. Sorry I was not laughing earlier at you, I was laughing at someone who responded to me posting the Counterweight map [amused] by responding, “When the bells chime you’re out of time.”
[Art, Ali, and Keith laugh]
[Keith coughs]
Austin: Someone did that thing- you know that thing that people do on Twitter when, uhhh, people go, like, uhhh. Someone will post, like, an image of the person posting to be like, “You look like this.” Like to insult them?
Ali: [cross] Mmm, mmhm.
Keith: [cross] Yeah.
Austin: Someone did that with me, ‘cause I said “Let’s fucking go” about Henry Kissinger dying. [Ali: Mmhm.] Uh, and then [amused] someone replied to that and said, “That’s Austin Walker!”
Ali: Um, I instead have a much better tweet for us to focus on- [Austin: Thanks, yeah.] -I’m now posting, which is- [breaks off laughing] [Keith starts laughing] -a picture of Nicki Minaj from Call of Duty [Austin: Oh good!] saying she got him. [Jack, Austin, and Art laugh] And if everybody can give me 5-7 minutes, I would like to listen to the, um, video of all of the voice clips- [laughs] -of her from…[trails off laughing]
Austin: [cross] Of her, yeah yeah yeah. It’s good for getting into the Aria space.
Jack: [cross] Oh my god I didn’t even realize there were also-
Art: Are you gonna- are you gonna post it in here or-?
Ali: Oh let me try to find it actually.
Art: We can all- we can wind it up and everything.
Ali: ‘Cause I have this and I- I-
Jack: I have seen a tweet, uh, Chris Kindred has reposted a tweet, um, showing a clip from a movie in which Henry Kissinger seems to be dragged to hell [Austin snorts], with that caption by Ash Parrish saying “He will be baked soon, [Austin laughs] alhamdulillah.” [laughs]
[Keith laughs]
Austin: Oh my god.
Keith: “Chris- Chris Kindred,” that sounds familiar.
Jack: Chris Kindred?!
[video playing faintly in background]
Austin: Chris Kindred. Yeah, Chris Kindred. Do you not know Chris?
Keith: Yeah.
Austin: You don’t know them.
Keith: I- sounds familiar.
Austin: [cross] They’re an artist, and a fan. They did, uh, some of our Sangfielle postcards.
Jack: [cross] Chris is fuckin’ great.
Ali: Uh, yeah.
Keith: Oh, okay.
Jack: He will be baked soon.
Ali: I think they were just at New York Games?
Austin: They-
Keith: Okay I do know Chris.
Austin: [cross] They were- they were at the Games Center, they announced- Yeah yeah yeah.
Art: [cross] Yeah Chris Kindred is in the, uh, extended…
Keith: Yeah.
Austin: They did the One Song Only cover art, years ago, also.
Art: Yeah yeah yeah.
Ali: Yeah yeah yeah.
Austin: I just ran into them, I was at- they were at No Quarter a couple weeks ago. Ah, they were-
Jack: Oh nice!
Art: I mean with the way that that show was a jinx, we should have done a “One War Criminal Only.”
Austin: Oh yeah, uh-huh. Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.
[Ali laughs]
Jack: [amused] “One War Criminal Only.”
Austin: I don’t want to do that- that one, maybe! I don’t know!
[Ali laughs]
Austin: [cross] That would be a wild one. Are we looking for the worst?
Art: [cross] It’s- it’s for- it’s for people.
Austin: Wait, who’s-
Jack: Wait.
Art: We’re doing it for the people.
Jack: Isn’t One War Criminal Only kind of Blowback?
Austin: Yeah it is kinda. [laughs] It kinda is.
[Ali laughs]
Keith: I gotta catch up on Blowback. I’m on season 3.
Austin: You gotta catch up. I think season 4 is better than season 3, for what it’s worth.
Jack: [cross] Okay, I’m gonna listen to…yeah.
Art: [cross] Alright, I have to listen to the Nicki Minaj “all voice lines from Call of Duty.”
Austin: [cross] Yeah this is more important.
Austin: Are we counting in? Are we all listening together?
Art: Sure yeah.
Keith: Sure.
Jack: [cross] Wait, give me a second.
Art: I’m- I’m queued up.
Jack: I need to- to just bypass the ad blocker here, ‘cause I’m cool. Alright.
Austin: Wow, hacking. Fogging the system.
Jack: Yeah.
Keith: Yeah. You’re a Stratus.
Jack: Oh yeah. [laughs]
Austin: Alright. Alright.
Ali: [laughing] I’m just gonna say: This is the second time in my life I’ve sat down and dedicate 6 minutes to just- [laughs]
Austin: 6, uh, minutes, 21 seconds. Alright ready, are you guys ready? We all good?
Ali: Uh-huh.
Jack: Yeah.
Keith: Yeah.
Austin: 3, 2, 1, go.
[Transcript of Nicki Minaj’s lines below. The cast is laughing at some lines.]
Nicki Minaj: They got my ass I'm down. This bitch is dead. Throw it back baby! Throw a grenade! Time to tell this bad bitch where your squad's at. To the east. To the north. To the northeast. To the northwest. To the south.
Art: [cross] Those are all the places her squad is at.
Nicki Minaj: To the southeast. To the southwest. To the West. Took out their ammo box. Took out their armored boat. Took out their recon drone. Trophy system’s up. Trust me you want this bad bitch on your side.
Austin: I do.
[Ali laughs]
Nicki Minaj: Visual on a boss bitch.
Austin: [cross] Visual on a boss bitch!
Nicki Minaj: Visual on targets. Watch for movement. Wax that sniper. Wilson deploy! Yeah I see him. Yeah you know the queen got your back. You know I got your back. You know I'm your ride or die. Yo you can get with this or you can die alone, it's up to you.
Jack: [cross] This one’s serious, yeah.
Nicki Minaj: You a baddie. You got that Nicki Minaj cheat code. 718, sit your ass down! Activating DDOS! Advanced infantry here. Affirmative.
Art: [cross] [inaudible]
Nicki Minaj: Ain't got no time for haters. Almost out of shells. Alright let's get after it. Ammo depot here. Ammo here. Armor satchel here. Armor's up. Assault rifle here. Back in this bitch. Back like I never left.
Keith: [cross] Hey she’s taking this serious.
Austin: [cross] Yeah.
Art: [cross] Yeah.
Jack: [cross] She’s a good performer.
Nicki Minaj: Below you. Body bitch. Body bagged him. Bomb drones up. Blat, you dead bitch! Buystation marked. Buy me back boo! Cancel that. Changing mags. Check fire, you about to be on a queen's bad side. Cluster mine destroyed. Cluster mine out.
[Ali laughs]
Nicki Minaj: Check your fire, don't you know who I am?!
Austin: [cross] The Call of Duty-ness of it all.
Ali: [cross] I know!
Austin: [cross] “Buy me back, boo” only makes sense in Warzone.
Keith: [cross] Yeah.
Nicki Minaj: Come here let Nicki fix you all up. Contact! Contact! Contract phone here. Copy. Copy that, got eyes on ‘em. Copy, let's show these bitches how it's done. Copy, vehicle. Counter UAV destroyed! Cover me while I get right!
Jack: [cross] “Counter UAV destroyed.”
[Ali laughs]
Nicki Minaj: Deploying cover. Deploying decoy. Deploying portable radar. Deploying smoke wall. Downed one. Drop Zone marked, send that shit! Elimination target marked. Enemy! Enemy airdrop here. Enemy airstrike. Enemy air support.
[Ali laughs]
Nicki Minaj: Enemy APC is down, HAH!
[everyone laughs]
Art: [cross] “HAH!”
Nicki Minaj: Enemy ATV down. Enemy bird down. Enemy camera destroyed. Enemy cover’s down. Enemy decoys down. Enemy dog tag here. Enemy drone destroyed.
Ali: [cross] One of my favorite techniques.
Keith: [cross] How do you- how do you think they picked which ones they should tell her to like, “Can you Nicki Minaj it up a little bit?”
Austin: [cross] It’s a talent, right? It’s a whole skill set.
Keith: [cross] Yeah.
Nicki Minaj: Enemy field upgrade here. Enemy fighter here. Enemy gun turret. Enemy gunship destroyed. Enemy Hilo destroyed. Enemy here! Enemy infantry. Enemy JLTV destroyed. Enemy killstreak. Enemy lethals. Enemy mortar team. Enemy personal watercraft is down.
Austin: [cross] Oooh.
Jack: [cross] Personal watercraft!
Austin: [cross] Is down.
Nicki Minaj: Enemy recon's active. Enemy sentry down. Enemy Special Forces. Enemy Special Mission Unit. Enemy attack insert destroyed. Enemy tactical gear here. Enemy tactical shield.
Austin: [cross] She has a lot of opps.
[Ali and Jack laugh]
Jack: [cross] She has a lot! She has 99 opps.
[Austin laughs]
Nicki Minaj: Enemy tank is down! Enemy transport helo destroyed. Enemy trophies down. Enemy truck is down. Enemy UAV down. Enemy vehicle. Enemy vehicle destroyed [laughs]. Expo helo marked.
Nicki Minaj: Extraction balloon here. Fall the fuck back it's gonna blow! Follow the queen. [trilling noise] Found a buy station. Found a field upgrade. Found a gas mask. Found a radio.
[everyone laughs]
Nicki Minaj: Found a self-revive.
[everyone laughs more]
Nicki Minaj: Found a sniper rifle.
Art: [cross] She’s not trying as hard here.
Keith: [cross] -in a row.
Nicki Minaj: Found an airdrop killstreak. Found some armor. Found some lethals.
[Ali laughs]
Nicki Minaj: Found some loot. Found some rockets. Found some tacticals. Friendly airdrop here. Friendly kill streak here. Friendly recon overhead. Friendly tacticals marked. Geiger counter here. Get the cargo to the LZ. Get to the LZ. Go! Gettin’ me some high tier loot here, baby. Give me a weapon. Give me that big gun. Got a custom weapon here. Got a pistol here. Got a strange looking gate here, boo.
[everyone laughs]
Nicki Minaj: Got a valuable here. Got air support here. Got an airstrike here. Got eyes on an enemy stronghold. Got eyes on this area. Got recon here. Got some cash money. Got some hunters here. Got that rover. Grenade!
Austin: [cross] Grenade!
[Art laughs]
Nicki Minaj: Hostile Wilson neutralized. I just finished that stupid ass.
Keith: [cross] Woah!
Jack: [cross] Woah!
Nicki Minaj: I need a gas mask. I need a kill streak. I need an f-r-e-a-k-47. I need launcher ammo. I need mid-cal rounds. I need rockets. I need shotgun shells. I need some large-cal rounds. I see an enemy. I took out their armor box. I took out their bike. I'll handle the stick. I'll take that, baby. I'll take the key. I'll take the key card. I'll take the wheel. I'm down! I'm holing up here. I'm low on ammo! I'm reloading. I'm running low. I'm taking fire! I'm the alpha, the omega, and everything in between.
Austin: [cross] Damn!
[Nicki trills]
Art: [cross] Woah!
Nicki Minaj: I'm using AP rounds. Intel here. Kill streak marked. Large caliber here. Last mag. Launcher here. Let me drive, boo. LMG marked. LMG rounds here. Loadout drop inbound. Loadout marked. Located a hostage.
Jack: [cross] Kind of calming at this point.
[Ali hums in agreement]
Jack: [cross] There’s something meditative about this.
Austin: [cross] Yeah.
Nicki Minaj: Look high. Loot cash here. LZ is marked. Let's take it to him. [trills] Making you part of the bomb squad for that.
Keith: [cross] It’s funny- I don’t know how much warzone any of you have played, but they don’t shut up. It is like this.
[Austin, Jack, and Ali laugh]
Nicki Minaj: Man I ain't got no time for that shit! Marked an SMG. Marked our extract point. Marked our field upgrade. Marking contract. Marksman rifle here. Melee weapon here. Mmmmmhm, I see him. Mortar support incoming. Moving here. Multiple targets. Multiple threats here. My location. Need a field upgrade. Need armor. Need large cAliber rounds. Need lethals. Need pistol rounds. Need recon overhead! Need some cash money, baby. Need some mid-cal rounds. Need tacticals. Need to find medical. No one treats my fans like that! Not today motherfucker! Oh shit! Oh yeah, put the Juggernaut in the ground.
Austin: [cross] That raises the idea that she’s playing with her fans.
[Ali laughs]
Austin: [cross] That you’re her, [Keith: Yeah.] -and the rest of your crew is Nicki Minaj’s fan group.
Ali: [cross] Uh-huh
Nicki Minaj: On me. [trills] On my last mag! Out there! Party’s over, fire the MGB payload. Queen of rap’s all fixed up. Recon drone active. Regroup on my mark. Reloading. Request encounter UAV. Requesting support. Riot shield here. Roger that. Roger, visual on the LZ. RPG! [trills]
[Austin and Art laugh]
Nicki Minaj: Running out of pistol rounds. Save me that weapon. Secure.
Keith: [cross] I wonder when that triggers.
Austin: [cross] Great question.
Nicki Minaj: Sentry gun deployed. Shit, that was close. Shotgun here. Shotgun shells. Shut up, fool. Small-cal rounds. Sniper! Sniper here. Snipers on me! Solid hit, enemy Vita coming down. Something’s fishy over there. Sometimes you gotta be Beauty and the Beast. Statue here. Sunk their boat.
Austin: [cross] Sorry, statue?
Art: [cross] Yeah!
Nicki Minaj: Suppression mine out! Switching mags. Tack cam set. Tack insert out.
Art: [cross] They have boats?
Austin: [cross] Yeah they got boats, they got boats in this thing.
Keith: [cross] Yeah, they got boats.
Nicki Minaj: Taking effective fire. Taking the fight here. Target area marked, you're cleared hot. Target’s here. Thanks boo! That armor’ll be good on me. That motherfucker got me, I'm down! That shit was fetch. That's no good.
Keith: [cross] I just realized this is in alphabetical order.
Austin: [cross] Ahhh.
Ali: [cross] Is it?
Art: [cross] Ohhh.
Keith: [cross] It is, except for the subgroups. [Austin: Right.] So it’s, like, probably titled- [Austin: Yeah.] -after the subgroup that it is.
Nicki Minaj: That's one of my fans, don't shoot! That's our lethal equipment. The queen needs air support now. The queen will take that ammo. Their suppression mine's down. There's a hardened fighter. There's a vehicle. These fools got all that good shit.
[end of video]
Austin: That’s right.
Jack: Wow, Nicki.
Austin: Y’know what’s weird? Is that this account has the audio for all of the other ones, or at least some of the other ones, and the mix of Skeletor…
[Ali laughs]
Austin: Laura Croft from Tomb Raider, Nicki Minaj obviously, 21 Savage [laughs], Alucard from Hellsing, Lillith from Diablo. It’s not- it’s a weir- It’s a weird mix, is what I would say.
Keith: It’s- Hey, this is post-Fortnite. It’s all just paint thinner. Dump it in, let it melt.
Austin: I know, I know, I know, I know. I- yeah, you’re right. [pauses] But it’s just-
Jack: Wow.
Keith: It’s insane.
Austin: It’s insane.
Jack: Wow.
Austin: Anyway. Okay.
Jack: Now let’s do The Most Unwanted Song.
Austin: [exasperated] Okay. Well we’re just in this mode now.
[Keith laughs]
Austin: Sometimes a war criminal dies and you just lose- You lose it for the night.
[Ali laughs]
Art: Yeah.
Jack: There are so many worse reasons for a recording to go off the rails than Henry Kissinger dying.
Austin: [cross] Yes.
Keith: [cross] Yeah.
Austin: Yes.
[Ali laughs]
Keith: This is- Hey- I mean it’s like it’s own- This could be its own special Clapcast.
Austin: I mean, it is!
[Ali laughs]
Keith: Is all of the extra stuff from- [Austin: I-] -the day Henry Kissinger died.
Austin: Yeah!
Art: Yeah.
Austin: That’s still content.
Art: It doesn’t get as close-
Jack: [cross] Jaguar Day! Whoo!
Ali: [chewing] The good news is this is gonna be released tomorrow. Or Friday. So.
Austin: This one is? This Clapcast?
Ali: I could.
Austin: You could.
Keith: Yeah. Mmm.
Art: Well I mean, this is one you would bump up, right? I mean-
[Ali laughs]
Austin: Yeah, it’s- [Keith: Yeah.] It’s newsworthy.
Keith: How often do we get, like, a really time- [Austin: Yeah, it’s timely.] -A timely, uh-
Ali: Yeah!
Austin: Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.
Art: Yeah, we never get to break news on the Clapcast. [Ali laughs] I mean it’s not breaking news by Friday, but I mean…Sometimes we’re talking about stuff that happened 20 years ago.
[Ali and Jack laugh]
[Austin makes stretching noises]
Keith: Sometimes the files are themselves seven months old.
Ali: Uh-huh.
Austin: Sorry, I saw the ADL’s tweet about it, and I died.
Jack: Oh no.
Keith: What did the ADL say?
Austin: “Henry Kissinger was a towering intellect, diplomat and practitioner who [Jack: Hah!] - not without controversy - helped shape American foreign policy with a lasting impact worldwide. A refugee from Nazi Germany, and the first Jewish Secretary of State, he was unapologetic [Keith: Yep.] about his heritage and his embrace of the importance of American global power and democratic values.”
Keith: Just- just one of-
Art: Oh, hating anti- handing- Hating Henry Kissinger is gonna be anitsemitic by tomorrow morning.
[Austin sighs, exasperated]
Keith: J- Uh- The ADL is one of the worst organizations out there.
Austin: It’s…
Keith: I mean, they sometimes are doing things that are fine. [Austin: Yeah, no.] But the stuff that- [Austin: It’s-] -they do is bad is so bad.
Austin: Uh-huh. Phew! [exhales]
Art: This is gonna be an example of, like, the antisemitism on the left. Immediately.
Austin: Oh, immediately. Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. Uh-huh.
Keith: [laughs] And it’s going to- That’s gonna go over about as well as that stuff always goes over. [cross] Which is that all the people that are gonna buy it are gonna buy it.
Art: [cross] Except for like, your parent’s generation, yeah. Mmhm.
Keith: But, like, how? I mean you can’t sell, in 2023, you can’t sell Henry Kissinger to people.
Austin: No. We’re all too fuckin’ smart about this.
Jack: RIP Bozo!
Austin and Keith: RIP Bozo.
Art: [amused] You’re giving a lot of people too much credit.
Ali: Mmhm.
[Ali laughs]
Austin: Yeah. Yeah, you’re probably right.
Keith: Yeah. But those people would bu- The people that would buy it would buy anything.
Ali: Sure.
Austin: Right, those people suck.
[Art hums in agreement]
Keith: Um, yeah.
Art: They’re the real bozos if you think about it.
Austin: [cross] Uhhh, shoutout to Danny O’Dwyer. Someone said “Tweeting your delight at an old man’s death won’t win you converts or repulse potential allies, at least not on a large enough scale to matter. It will however make you a worse person- [Keith: Yeah.] -which is why you shouldn’t do it.” [Keith: It’s like-] And Danny said: “I dunno mate I’ve spent a decade drinking in Thatcher’s death and it’s done nothing but mature like a fine fuckin whiskey.”
[Ali and Jack laugh]
Keith: Imagine, like, the fucking, like, um. The Eye of Sauron melting off the top of the mountain, and someone is like- Someone in uhhh- Uh, whatever the steward, what’s the city the steward is from? [Jack: Gondor!] “Is like you really shouldn’t be celkeith,aebrating” yeah. [Austin: Yeah, 100%.] “You shouldn’t be celebrating because a man died.”
[Jack and Austin laugh]
Keith: That guy wasn’t a man, he was an eyeball that floated on top of the death mountain.
Austin: [laughing] Please, it was a tower.
Art: He was an angel, Keith.
Keith: [laughing] Yeah.
[Jack chuckles]
Austin: Uh, Topher Florence, who’s great says, uh, “kissinger death is official series finale of twitter the sequel "twitter: shippuden" starts tomorrow.”
[everyone laughs]
Jack: Pol Clarissou reposted: “Do you think it's a coincidence that Utena was on the front page of Wikipedia the same day Henry Kissinger died?
[Austin laughs]
Austin: Ohhhhh. [spluttering laughter] Eric van Allen @seamoosi said “smash cut to The Game Awards social media intern, frantically googling to see if Kissinger was in a video game.”
[Ali, Keith, and Jack laugh]
Keith: Do- Was Kissinger in a video game?
Austin: [cross] Yeah. Almost certainly. Yeah. Uhhh. Assass- Assassin’s Creed mention.
Keith: [cross] Almost certainly was. It- it- If they can get John McCain for The West Wing, they can get Henry Kissinger for a Call of Duty game.
Austin: Yeah. Assassin’s Creed mention at the very least. I bet also a Call of Duty, right?
Jack: Yeah, I fully bet a Call of Duty, yep.
Austin: Yeah. Black Ops or whatever?
Ali: Mmhm.
Jack: I could see them-
Ali: At least quoted.
Austin: [cross] Oh yeah, like his death quote? For sure.
Jack: [cross] Or one of those, like-
[Jack laughs]
Jack: Yeah.
Art: Godddd.
Jack: Of course, uh, he- he- he doesn’t actually have a death quote, ‘cause in death he will remain silent forever.
Austin: Right, right, yeah. Right right right. Yes.
[Ali chuckles]
Jack: Uh, where do we want to come back in here?
Keith: A death knell, maybe. Love a death knell.
Austin: I don’t know, I don’t know. I don’t know. I- I- I feel like we should get- I like, y’know. I don’t know how much longer I have—
Jack: [cross] We should get boots on the ground.
Austin: [cross] But I wouldn’t mind getting an opening sequence, you know?
Jack: Yeah. I agree.
Austin: Um.
Keith: Um.
Austin: I’ll come back in- [Keith: I’ll-] I’ll do another clap, Ali, so we have it.
Ali: Please.
[clap]
Austin: Uh, I got an MLB update here. Uh. Um.
Art: Oh is this about the Mets and Kissinger?
Austin: Uh, [chuckles] it’s not. I wish it were. I mean it is- It is- It is, uh- It says here, “Henry Kissinger has been eliminated from post-season contention.” [amused] Eliminated.
[everyone laughs]
Austin: Henry Kissinger.
Jack: Bad year for him.
[Austin laughs]
Austin: Alright. Uhhh. Twenty…five?
Art: Sure.
Jack: Yeah.
Ali: Oh wait, no no no no no.
Austin: No, not 25. Okay, 30. 30. 30.
Ali: Yeah.
[out of sync claps]
Austin: Booo, that was bad. Let’s do one more.
[Ali dying in the background]
Art: Yeah that sounded freakin’ bad.
Austin: Let’s do one more. 40! Four Zero.
Ali: Mmhm.
[out of sync claps]
[Austin and Ali dying]
Art: Woof!
Keith: Hey, like always, my claps are totally on point. I got great claps.
Austin: [amused] [cross] One more! One more at 55!
Ali: [amused] [cross] This is killing me. I can’t figure it out. I don’t know what happened!
Austin: Ali! 55!
[out of sync claps]
Art: Nope!
Keith: That sounded even worse.
Ali: [trying to keep a steady voice] It’ll be fine.
Austin: Okay.
Jack: Bozo!
Art: We got a fuckin’ drumroll going on here.
Ali: Uh-huh.
Austin: Oh my god, we’re back.
Art: Back, baby!
Jack: Good to be back. Alright what are we calling this?
Art: It’s 2016!
[Jack chuckles]
Austin: What is this? This is “Chime Name 1.”
Art: 2015?
Ali: Oh-One.
Austin: Oh-One.
Ali: Well we’re not doing ten of these so you can just- [laughs] -you can just name it one.
Austin: We are not doing ten of these. Uh-huh.
Keith: Nine. Nine’s my limit.
[Ali laughs]
Austin: If we do ten of these we have fucked up.
Ali: Uh-huh.
Keith: We fuck up all the time!
[Ali laughs]
Jack: Or. Or. Or. [cross] We found something amazing.
Austin: [cross] Season 8.
Keith: [cross] This is one of the-
Art: I named my file “Chime Name 9.”
[Ali and Austin laughing]
Keith: This is one of those things where fucking up can only work deeply in our favor.
Ali: [laughing] No, no it couldn’t.
Austin: [high-pitched] I don’t know that that’s true!
[End music]