The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia, Once Upon a Time to ABC, and all other mentioned fandoms to their respective owners. The fic, unfortunately, belongs to me. A huge thanks to Desdendelle, Iximaz, and Tira for betaing this, my first mission!
An agent dashed through the halls of HQ. This, on its own, is not uncommon. Many people dash through HQ, for various reasons. Perhaps they’ve run out of Bleeprin. Perhaps they’ve dyed an assassin’s hair blue and are fleeing for their lives. Perhaps they just like running.
This particular agent was running because he was late. Or, rather, he thought he was late. It’s hard to be late in a place with no clear concept of time, but the agent did his best. His name was Michael Green, and he preferred to be called Michael, or Green, but never Mike.
Michael was running through the halls of HQ to his new home—RC 1870. This is why he was afraid of being late: it never makes a good first impression to arrive tardy. The fact that Michael was trying to find RC 1870 with very vague and rather questionable directions did not help his state of mind, which was currently lodged somewhere between “Mild Apprehension” and “All-Out Panic.” Another fact that did not help his state of mind was the ominous shake of the head and pitying expression of the agent he had asked for those directions...
Deep in worry, Michael almost missed his RC. He skidded to a stop, banging his knee on a wall in the process. Grumbling, he hobbled back to the properly marked door. “1870” it said, in proud (if slightly dingy) letters. The door itself was unpainted wood, nice and unremarkable. With a slight tug of nervousness in his gut, Michael knocked.
He became aware of the classical music when it stopped, and a voice yelled, “Come in!”
Michael opened the door and blinked once or twice, taking in the details of his new RC. The first room alone was bigger than most of the ones he had trained in, and the three doors across from him said it was bigger still. To his left was a round table and four chairs, and in the other left corner was a brightly lit kitchenette. To his right was a tall bookcase, absolutely stuffed with the impressive, boring-looking books one normally sees in a lawyer’s personal office, and in the other right corner was a comfy looking red couch. Between them was a console and a black leather armchair.
The far right door opened and a girl stepped out. It was hard to tell how old she was because she was wearing all black, including dark sunglasses, fingerless gloves, and boots that looked suspiciously like they might hold daggers or other pointy objects. In sharp contract was her short, wild golden hair, and pale complexion. The girl looked like the diagram of assassins in all of the textbooks Michael had read. She shut the door behind her.
“You Michael Green?” she said, disinterest clear.
Michael gulped. “Yep,” he said, trying to be cheerful. “That’s me!”
The girl watched him for a moment, inscrutable behind the sunglasses. “Mia,” she said, finally. “You are green, aren’t you?”
It took a moment for Michael to realize what she meant, and then only half a second to make a pun. “In more ways than one!” he said, grinning. Mia was unmoved.
“The left door is your room,” she said. “the middle is the bathroom. Where’s the rest of your stuff?”
Other than the standard kit of tools slung over his shoulder, Michael only had a black drawstring bag. He slid it off and held it up, playing his best sympathy card. “This is all I came with,” he said. “Plothole.”
He barely saw the top of Mia’s raised eyebrow. “I only had a flashlight and some tissues,” she replied.
Dang it, he thought. That always worked...
“Since you don’t have anything, you don’t need my help to bring it in,” Mia said, turning back to her room. “Tell me if—”
At that moment, a sound that Michael had become quite used to during his training shrilled through the RC.
[BEEEEEEEP!!]
Mia paused, cocking her head. “That was quick,” she said. “Stash your stuff, Greenie, then start reading.” She opened her door and slipped in. With a glum feeling settling in his chest, Michael plodded over to his room, and pulled open the door. It was a standard affair—generic without quite being Generic. The bed was a full, covered in a blue bedspread, and there was a desk with a lamp on the far wall. The lights were on. Michael carefully closed the door and set his gym bag on the bed. He opened it, and out popped his disgruntled cat, Oromë. The plothole that had hit him back in the States had gotten his (then) kitten too. It had also done something odd to Oromë’s developing brain, increasing his intelligence. He was still very much a cat, and didn’t really care about anything, but if you stressed how important something was he would stop pretending to not understand you and listen.
“Hey, ‘Romë,” Michael said. “Thanks for keeping quiet in there. I don’t know what Mia’s going to think of you yet. Listen, I have to go—mission already. I’ll make sure you’ve got food and water when we get back, all right?”
Oromë meowed quietly, and with a flick of his white tail he turned and walked over to one of Michael’s pillows. He proceeded to knead it down, purring. Michael smiled ruefully and left his room, making sure the door was shut.
Mia was already at the console, looking at the words. “Took you long enough,” she said. “Have you done any missions in the Once Upon a Time continuum?”
Michael brightened. “Yes!” he said. “A few! Mostly crossovers. Really, really weird crossovers. My family and I used to watch the show, back in Wyoming—”
Mia waved a hand to cut him off. “I didn’t ask about that, Greenie,” she said. “I need general premise and pertinent info.”
“Uh— basically, all of the fairytale characters existed in one realm, the Enchanted Forest,” Michael began, walking over to the console and beginning to read. Mia moved away a few paces. “The Evil Queen was frustrated that she never got a happy ending, so she made a curse to send them all to the real world—Earth, I mean—and make herself and all the other villains happy. The episodes are a mix of current action and flashbacks to before the curse in the Enchanted Forest. The Sue is a mermaid, so… mermaids… They’re mostly like in Disney, really. All this stuff about needing to go to the surface at sixteen is baloney. In fact… yeah, absolutely everything she says about mermaids is false, besides the fact that they have tails and gills.”
“Sounds fun,” Mia replied, “Do you know how to program disguises?”
Michael nodded. “Yes,” he said. “What should we be?”
“Generic townspeople... circa... 1700. Put me in a dress and you’ll find yourself at the bottom of the HQ Pool.”
Michael gulped. “Got it,” he said, and began tapping the screen.
Mia backed away, sitting on the edge of the black leather armchair. She matched it perfectly. “This fic is small, Greenie. We’re going to have to assemble the charge list quickly— we’ve only got ‘round fifteen pages to go through.”
Michael gave a low whistle as he finished up the disguises and grabbed the remote activator. He had noticed the brevity of the fic, but hadn’t bothered to count. “I don’t think I’ve ever done one that short,” he said. “Do you want the activator?”
“Keep it,” she said. Michael shrugged and opened a portal. He went ahead and walked in, though not letting Mia go first would have made his mother mad. If she was going to be determinedly unpleasant, he didn’t have to be unfailingly polite.
Unfortunately, the first five pages or so were set at the bottom of the ocean, so Michael and Mia appeared on a Generic beach, hidden by a rock from the mermaid!Sue emerging from the waves. Well, “waves.” The mermaid was in a pocket of dead calm, as the Suethor hadn’t described breakers of any kind. Mia appeared a moment later, and to his surprise she still had sunglasses on. He shot her a quizzical look, but she didn’t reply. Her clothes, thankfully, had come out as Michael had intended—concealing. To a casual observer, Mia looked like a young boy. She began muttering under her breath, and Michael recognized various things from the beginning of the fic. She’s assembling the charge list, he realized. That’s nice of her.
While the Sue walked slowly around a boulder, already perfectly dry due to speshulness, Michael let his eyes drift out of focus and looked at the Words.
Annelle was rather normal. At least, as normal as she could be, taking into account that she was a mermaid. She had white hair, though she was only sixteen years of age. She was about five six. She had a nice smile when she showed it, and two blue-green eyes that made you feel like you were staring into the depths of the sea. Rather apropriate, considering the mermaid thing.
“Ick,” Michael said softly. “She starts off with a description? That’s just sad...”
Mia grunted in what Michael took to be agreement.
Michael looked a little further ahead, skimming, his eyes picking out particular details.
Annelle was a very smart girl, or mermaid I should say… A curious fact about mermaids that seems to have been forgotten in all other fairy tales, each mermaid has two gifts… Now I am sure you are wondering, what is Annelle's gift? Annelle was a very special case. Never before had a mermaid like Annelle been born in the Queen's palace. As soon as her hair touched the salty water it bled to white, and her eyes opened. Normally a mermaid child does not open her eyes for three weeks, it gives time for the inner eyelid to solidify… Her mother, the Queen herself, was quite startled by this… The citizens of Atlanta (not the one in Georgia) loved Annelle… Annelle was always doing something to help others, to brighten their lives...
That was where Michael stopped, slightly nauseated. “Ugh,” he said. “Could she get any more textbook? There is no city of mermaids in the canon, let alone one so… bland. She didn’t even have the imagination to not rip off of Atlantis!”
Mia grunted again.
Michael went back to skimming over the pages, holding back a sigh. She was a genius, of course. Beautiful, beloved, and a dreamer. Of course she was friends with dolphins, why wouldn’t she be?
After the boring and trite account of the Sue’s journey to the surface, Michael was caught up with reality. She was still learning to walk around the boulder, and boy, was that interesting! Bored to death, Michael pulled out his CAD, pressing the mute button before turning it on the Sue. The screen glowed faintly in the darkness.
[Annelle. Mermaid female. Non-canon. 100% Mary Sue.]
Not a surprise, he thought, and tucked the device away. The Sue, though still moving slowly, was already proficient enough at walking to not fall. She took a “mermaid map” out of her bag and looked at it for a few moments, determining where she was, then started walking towards “Jamestown”.
Next came a bizarre blur of scenery, due to the Suethor not adequately describing her Sue’s journey. Michael felt seasick and had a headache when they finally lurched to a halt. The Sue was curled up inside a large, hollow tree, which was surrounded by Generic Forest, even more boring than the fic itself. Michael thought he smelled a bog nearby, but it was too faint to tell. Thankfully, before he could even remark to Mia on what a bad fic it was, the sun rose, very hot, and the Sue woke up. The agents hid themselves behind a Generic Tree, and there was another quick journey that, in the fic, lasted for six hours, but in reality only took a few seconds.
The dizzying trip plopped them down a few yards behind the Sue as she stared down at Jamestown. The seaport, although rather sparingly described, was described, and therefore a refreshing spot of color in an otherwise completely Generic world. The Sue started down towards it, somehow managing to look immaculate despite having emerged from sea water less than twenty-four hours ago and then slept in a tree.
Once the Sue was out of earshot, Mia growled. “I hate her already,” she said. “With her speshul white hair and her speshul eyes and her speshul dress and her speshul books. Do you realize that she’s also a super genius? Ugh! Suefic...”
This long and emotional proclamation took Michael by surprise. “You—don’t like Sues then?” he said, then immediately cursed himself.
Mia shot him an unbelieving look. “No, Greenie, I love Sues! That’s why I’m in the DF, where Sues come every day and I assassinate them for a living! Gee, they sure are my favorite things in the whole wide world!”
Even with the sunglasses, Michael could tell that she gave him a contemptuous look before starting after the Sue. “That’s not what I meant!” he protested weakly, but she clearly wasn’t listening. With a sigh, he plodded after her.
Just before the two reached the gates of Jamestown, which were “gaurded” by two sleeping British soldiers, there was another sickening time jump. Mia growled, and Michael felt his headache flare back up. “Week later,” she muttered, “And more coming. I’ve got the charge list.”
“I know,” Michael replied. Mia didn’t acknowledge him, and in retrospect he thought he should have said something more like “Thanks!” or “Really? How nice of you!”
Just then the next jump hit—small, this time. It still caused a throb in Michael’s temple.
“Come on,” Mia said. “The Sue is in her little book shop, and I want to get a reading on her love interest and her employer.”
Michael nodded, the pain in his head making him clench his teeth, and the two agents started towards the gates. They passed the guards with no trouble, and entered into Jamestown.
“It’s so... grey,” Michael said.
“Very descriptive,” Mia said, jogging towards the book shop. “Now hurry up, or the big jumps will hit before we can get there!”
Michael, grumbling under his breath, followed her. The Suethor, for some reason, had not described how the street looked, but she had described how it smelled. The scents of bread and spices and flowers surrounded the agents; it wasn’t unpleasant. Michael found himself breathing deeply, and smiling.
The pair reached the book shop, by sheer luck, just as the employer and the love interest stepped out. As soon as they left the presence of the Sue, they became lifeless, eyes dull. Michael, who still had his CAD in his pocket, took a quiet reading.
[Benjamin Darcy. Human Male. Non-Canon. Bit character.]
[Mrs. Darcy. Human Female. Non-Canon. Bit character.]
“Do you think either of them is worth recruiting?” Michael whispered as the two bits walked jerkily down the street.
Mia turned her head toward him, and probably regarded him flatly. “Why would we need a grandma?” she said. “We’ve already got Grammer, and she’s enough. The love interest is just hopeless.”
Michael grimaced at the rebuttal. “So what’re we going to—”
“Get down!” Mia commanded suddenly. A moment later the first of a series of time jumps hit, catapulting them ahead.
Suddenly, a voice boomed through the air. “It was June 30th, 1682, when Benjamin first asked Annelle to dinner.”
Michael fell to the street, ears hurting; Mia managed to keep her footing. Barely. “I’m going to kill that Sue!” she growled. Michael got up, wishing ruefully for a good pair of earplugs. “Let’s move out of sight,” Mia said, walking behind a Generic Stand full of grey cloth. “They’ll be coming quick after this. Oh, there’s lover boy, with his blatant-rip-off name...”
Sure enough, Benjamin Darcy was walking down the street, eyes blank. Poor guy, Michael thought as the bit went into the Sue’s shop. It’s not like he asked for this.
A moment later, he rushed back out, looking far more lively when Suefluenced. The Sue herself emerged a moment later.
"I would love to go with you, Ben." she said. He grinned and hugged her with an oddly quick motion. Then came the next jump. The agents were flung from the street to the wharf, quicker than a Sue falls in lurv.
It was April 19th, 1684, when Ben proposed to Annelle.
Michael groaned. Now he ached everywhere. He looked up, and saw that he and his partner had been dumped on the dock behind the Sue and her twu wuv. It was night, with a nice breeze. Even in the darkness, Michael could see an utterly besotted look on the bit’s face, as if...
Almost against his will, Michael looked at the Words.
It was a cool, starry night, and a light breeze played with the young couple's hair. Ben was laughing, as usual, and Annelle was smiling. He loved it when she smiled. Every little curve of her mouth felt like a victory, and he won often.
He then proceeded to gag.
“You reading this too?” Mia asked as Michael pulled himself across the wood until his mouth was over the water.
“Urgh,” was the only answer she got.
Michael sat up in time to see the Sue weep a Single Tear in response to her betrothal. Mia muttered something indistinct, and added it to the charge list.
They were suddenly ripped away by another time jump, which was less egregious than the others—only to the next day. The agents, suddenly in bright sunlight, scrambled for cover as the Sue stood on the shore, waving to her lurv’s ship, until her arm ached almost as terribly as her heart. Unfortunately for Annelle, that hurt would not be healed for a long, long time. But then, what hero was ever happy?
Michael read the Words, then growled, both because his head was pounding and because of how stupid they were.
“Don’t worry,” Mia said, massaging her forehead. “I’m charging for it.” Suddenly, her eyes widened. “Get d—”
Too late. A massive time jump hit the agents like a hammer, sending them careening one year ahead. They were still on the docks, but everything hurt. Michael thought his head had hurt before, but it hadn’t. That had been pleasant compared to this. His body ached all over, and a groan from Mia said that she felt the same.
I hate this fic... he thought, clutching his temples. “How long till we can leave?” he whimpered.
“Soon as possible,” Mia said heavily. “But that’s the last bad time jump. We’ve got an hour after this, and she’s out for an unspecified amount of time, but that’s it. I say we nab her just as she falls unconscious. We’ve got enough without getting into her Sue-per powahs, I think. Plus she only has them for a few paragraphs before the fic ends.”
Michael sighed and dragged himself into a sitting position. There was a crowd gathered on the shore, but without the Sue it was as grey and lifeless as the town. They might as well have been statues.
“What do we do till then?” he asked, rubbing his face and hoping his head would heal, someday.
Mia shrugged, then began a series of stretches. “Just wait,” she said, touching her toes. “Waiting is the better part of assassination.”
“The best part is going home,” Michael said, following her lead and stretching his sore muscles.
Mia snorted. “You mean the RC?” she asked, now working her arms. “That’s no more home than this fic is.”
“It’s where we live, isn’t it?” Michael said, popping his back luxuriously. “I mean, it’s the closest thing to home we have.”
Mia might have rolled her eyes. “Whatever, Greenie,” she said, sitting back against a crate with a sigh. “Once we’re ready, we’ll go to the fort thing on the other side of town—that’s where she’ll be once she gets back from warning her twu wuv on his ship.”
“Warn him about what?” Michael asked, flopping back onto the wood.
“Pirates,” Mia said nonchalantly. “It’s meant to be Captain Hook, I think. The fic ends before he actually appears.”
Michael frowned. “That’s wrong, though,” he said. “Captain Hook became Captain Hook just before he went to Neverland. He was never Captain Hook when he was a pirate on Earth; he was just Killian Jones.”
“Hmm,” Mia said. “I’ll add it to the charge list. He supposedly attacks at the end of the fic. There’s cannon fire, at least. Nothing’s shown. What realm is this supposed to be, anyway?”
“Earth,” Michael replied, rubbing his eyes.
Mia frowned. “But then how is the Sue here? Mermaids are from the Magic Wood thing, aren’t they?”
“Enchanted Forest, and yes,” Michael said. “But mermaids, canonically, can travel between realms. Since the location of the city isn’t specified, we can’t charge for it. I doubt the Suethor really thought about it.”
“Judging by the fic, I’d say she didn’t think much of anything,” Mia growled.
Michael let the subject lapse, and went back to lying down on the dock.
A while later (Michael’s time sense had always been bad, even before HQ), Mia jumped up quickly. “Come on, Greenie,” she said. “We’ve been lying long enough. The Sue visits the Designated Misogynist at the ‘garrion,’ whatever that is. We can get a charge out of the guy and the other bit there if we go now.”
Michael griped, but got up and followed her through the Generic Jamestown. During the short, and completely unnoteworthy trip, he peeked in on the Sue.
She pulled her dress up to her waist, and tilted backwards so her tail glinted on tob of the water. Ben gaped, and for a terrifying moment Annelle thought he wouldn'y love her after this new development. But his shocked face spread slowly into a grin, and he called, “I always knew you were special, Anna! Mr. Briggs, lower the bosun's chair for my mermaid-to-be!”
“Oh gosh,” Michael gasped, stumbling over his own feet. “He just accepts it!?”
“Suefic, Greenie,” Mia said, not looking back at him. “What, did you expect it to make sense?”
“More than this,” Michael grumbled, but by then they were in front of the “garrion.” It was Generic, like everything else.
“The Sue arrives in about fifteen minutes,” Mia said, leaning against the wall of the structure.
Michael heaved a sigh and flopped on the ground, which was neither stone nor dirt. “How’re we going to kill her?” he asked. “She doesn’t seem very powerful to me.”
“She’s not,” Mia replied, not looking at him. “She doesn’t get any form of power till the end, and we’ll kill her before then.” There was a beat of pause. “Who the heck is ‘Rumpelstiltskin’?”
Michael sat up, surprised. “He’s the Dark One from OUAT,” he said. “Immensely powerful, immortal, and an… anti-hero? I guess? He’s also the Beast from Beauty and the Beast, so he reforms somewhat, but he’s always struggling to keep the evil in him contained.”
“He speaks into the Sue’s mind before she mysteriously passes out and wakes up in a random shanty,” Mia said. “The fic makes it look like he gave her the Sue-per powers, somehow…”
Michael scowled: Rumple was one of his favorite characters, and he didn’t like him being messed with. “He’s never done that before,” he said. “Add it to the list.”
“I’m the one making demands, Greenie,” Mia said. “And it’s already added.”
Michael blinked, unsure what to say to that. Mia didn’t supply anything, so he lay down again.
A little while later, the Sue showed up, back from her love interest’s ship. The two agents scrambled out of her line of sight, and watched as she pounded on the door. A boy opened it. Apparently, he was a mute genius, and the Sue had taught him sign language.
“Was sign language even around in this time period?” Michael asked as the door swung shut behind the pair.
“Don’t know,” Mia said, walking out of their hiding spot and pulling the doors open quietly. “Come on, I want a reading on the kid and the misogynistic colonel fellow in the next scene.”
The partners crept silently through the building, which was less than sparingly described. They hid behind the conveniently large oak door, and Michael took readings in the space between the hinges while Mia listed charges.
[James. Human Male. Non-canon. Bit.] it said of the mute boy. Michael turned it on the colonel. [Colonel Davies. Human Male. Bit?] Michael showed Mia the reading, and she mouthed, “Recruit.”
Michael nodded. The colonel’s simple dislike for the Sue made him a-okay in Michael’s eyes, even if he was simply the Misogynist.
After the colonel, to the Sue’s shock, repeated exactly what her twu wuv had said on the boat (that there were no soldiers left in the “garrion,” and that none could be brought back in time to stave off the pirates), he marched to the stables, which appeared to be right outside the hall through a door that hadn’t previously existed. The agents nodded to each other and dashed after him while the Sue was distracted with the bit. The colonel, who was already on his horse (creatively named Medal), was surprised by the two teenagers who suddenly grabbed onto the bridle.
“Whatre you doing?” he said. Michael could sense the missing apostrophe.
“You hate Annelle, don’t you?” Mia asked bluntly.
The colonel’s jaw tightened. “Yes,” he said. “She makes me act… I can’t explain it! Hateful. I’m fine, normally, and then she comes ‘round and I’m…” he trailed off, staring moodily at the neck of his horse.
Mia stood up on tiptoes, and lowered her voice, as if they weren’t the only ones in hearing range. “We’re going to kill her,” she said. The colonel’s eyes widened. “Do you want to help?”
The colonel hesitated for a moment. “I won’t stop you,” he said. “But… I can’t help you. She’s so young, hardly—”
“Pity,” Mia said. Before Michael could stop her there was a dagger in the colonel’s heart, and he was toppling off of his horse.
It took Michael a second to comprehend what had just happened. Looking down at the dying form of the colonel was like looking at one of those hidden image pictures—the kind that you have to stare at for a while before you can find the true picture. Michael stared, but for a moment his brain didn’t comprehend what he was seeing. The colonel, lying on the ground, blood spilling out of a small but deep wound, was as alien to him as as one of the hidden images. Then it all snapped horridly into place, but it was too late. The colonel was already dead, eyes glassy.
“You didn’t have to do that!” Michael exclaimed, falling down beside the colonel and ineffectually trying to stem the blood flow. Mia tugged her dagger out and wiped it carelessly on the colonel’s shirt. “He would have disappeared after the Sue dies, like the town will!”
“Unlikely,” Mia said, sheathing her dagger beneath her coat. “Face it, Greenie— we’re going to have to kill any named bit. The crowds should all disappear; they’re practically furniture. But we’re getting rid of everything else.”
Michael looked down at the colonel’s body, shocked and sad. He’d killed bits before, of course, and the agents he had trained with had as well, but it always seemed… bad, to him. They weren’t the problem, after all, the Sue was. They hadn’t asked for this.
“Come on,” Mia said, stepping over the body. “The Sue and the bit are going down to the wharf, and there’s another bit down there to kill.”
Michael found himself shaking. He looked back down at the colonel. It didn’t seem right to leave him, unburied, uncovered. He found himself reaching for the activator, even though his hands were soaked in blood.
“Come on, Greenie!” Mia snapped, grabbing him by the collar and hauling him up. “We have to go!”
“But what about—?”
“Time skip!”
There was a bump that sent Michael sprawling, but compared to the others, it was hardly anything at all. Mia, however, was not happy. “We’ve missed the bit down by the wharf,” she said angrily, stomping off towards the town gates. Michael scrambled up and followed her, still slightly numb from the bit’s death. Mia suddenly switched direction, heading for the center of town. “The Sue’s already been a good little girl and helped the elderly pack their stuff before the pirates arrive. She should be talking to Stiltskin right about now, then we’ll skip again and she’ll be in the poor sector. Then we’ll kill her. Hopefully, the town will disappear and the bits we have to kill will be left behind. Come on!”
Michael followed her towards the poor sector. He couldn’t get the image of the colonel’s death out of his head— the wide eyes, the gasp. It had all been so… cold. He looked at the back of Mia’s head and found an odd emotion welling up inside him. Fear.
In a few minutes, they skipped. The agents were tossed right in front of the correct door, and Mia, disregarding the latch, kicked it open.
The Sue, who had been sleeping peacefully on the bed, bolted upright, looking at them with wide, sea-bleen eyes that made Michael’s head hurt. But the pain was welcome—it gave him something to focus on.
“Annelle,” Mia began, bending down and slipping two daggers out of her boots. “You are charged with being a blatant Mary Sue, giving mermaids a culture hitherto unknown in the Once Upon a Time continuum, creating not one but two cities, spawning five bit characters, overusing Generic Surface, causing enough time jumps to nearly kill a Time Lord, using poor grammar and poor spelling, wall-of-text, being an unrealistic genius, conspiring to give yourself Sue-per powahs, having an unrealistic twu wuv story, using the Single Tear, having speshul hair, speshul eyes, a speshul name and, finally, you are charged with annoying me immensely! Do you have any last words?”
“I— I read Machiavelli for fun!” the Sue cried, standing and flinging herself at the door. Mia’s dagger caught her in the jugular and she died fairly quickly. Michael felt a disturbing sense of instability as the building around him flickered, then disappeared entirely, along with the rest of the town. Mia and Michael were left standing over the Sue’s body, which was leaking glittery blood, next to a normal Earth beach, with seagulls flying overhead and the sound of the sea crashing. Away to the left was the colonel’s body, and to the right was the Sue’s love interest, standing and staring blankly at nothing. The rest of the bits were nowhere to be seen.
“What do we do with the bodies?” Michael asked, the colonel’s face once again flashing through his mind, as the pair walked towards the last remaining bit.
“Any canonical human-eating monsters in Once?” Mia asked, tugging a handkerchief out of her pocket and cleaning the glittery blade of her dagger.
“No,” Michael replied mechanically.
“Too bad. Portal to wherever you want, then.”
Michael’s stomach roiled, but he calmly opened the portal over the middle of the sea. He did this beneath the living bit, the Sue, and lastly the colonel, his hand shaking as he did.
He opened up another portal and peered through, watching with a sense of cold detachment as the bodies sank. The living bit didn’t even seem to notice.
“You gonna portal us home, Greenie?” Mia prodded him. He did so.
Once they were back, Mia walked into her room and pulled the door shut, without so much as glancing at Michael. This was absolutely fine with him. Still feeling like his insides had been emptied out, he plodded back to his own room, stopping on the way to grab two bowls from the kitchenette and fill one with water. In his room, Oromë was still lying on the pillow, but jumped up when Michael poured food into the other bowl.
He collapsed onto the bed while the cat ate, curling up like he had since he was a kid. The time skips and the emotions had left him feeling drained, and in no time he was asleep.
In her room, Mia was changing into pajamas. She pulled off her sunglasses last, and looked in the mirror.
Urple eyes stared back at her, shining and gorgeous in their horrible color. With a small smirk, Mia flopped onto the hammock that she used for a bed, and dropped off.