DEVIL’S DICTIONARY - SUMMER 2013 SATIRISTS

Love of Learning- a Collegiate student’s love of cyclically memorizing and regurgitating information for grades and then forgetting it entirely.

Instagram- a social networking site that promotes the world’s most thoughtful photographers: teenage girls.

Shoulders- a part of the body that should always be covered for fear of disturbing the learning environment because of their indecency.

Triangle- an instrument for the “sub-par” musician.

Grades- a scale used to discover what type of mood your parents will be in when you get home.

Computer- machines whose sole purpose is to cause distractions.

Dominion Power: A multi-million dollar organization completely disabled by a slight breeze.

Twitter: The impending downfall of many politicians.

The Bachelorette- The reality show where the female lead “looking for love” (or attention) never fails to cry within the first five minutes.

Facebook- An excuse to take pictures of yourself with your friends, no matter where you are so that you can show everyone how social you are.

SparkNotes- a diabolical website that you are NEVER allowed to even look at.

Soccer- n., a real sport where the goal of the participants is to make it as fake as possible.

Pro Wrestling-n., a fake sport where the goal of the participants is to make it as real as possible

Internet-n., Al Gore’s greatest contribution to America

Apple-n., formerly a fruit, now a company with way too much money

Trail of Tears-n., in the eyes of the people, a blatant violation of the rights of Native

Americans: in the eyes of the government, their greatest achievement

Milk-n., what gives farmers the right to molest cows

Die-v., to be blown to smithereens by a drone

BuzzFeed-n., one of the three reliable news sources

The Colbert Report and The Daily Show- n., the only other two reliable news sources

God- a less controversial version of surveillance.

Cars-in the eyes of a dog, an adventure box.

Satire- a class in which one cannot know whether or not the teacher is serious or satirizing the topic at hand, making the class and information unreliable and useless.

Water Country USA- a more fun and exciting way to go to the bathroom.

Busch Gardens- a more luxurious and culturally diverse version of King’s Dominion.

King’s Dominion- a more fun and exciting way to throw up

Reading- *see below*

Success- you did it!