Clapcast 78: Dog Fruit
Transcriber: texaschip :)
Segment One - Pre-HxH, desk nostalgia 1
Segment Two (0:07:36) - Old-school D&D classes 5
Segment Three (0:17:40) - Pre-PALISADE, Fargo discussion 15
Keith, Dre, Sylvi, Jack
Keith: Fourthwall is so much better than Spreadshirt that it's outrageous. (Sylvi laughs)
Dre: Oh, what makes it better?
Keith: Spreadshirt feels really, really old as a site. The UI on the backend is really clunky, and it's very difficult to make a storefront that looks good on the frontend for someone who's, like, buying. And they have this weird thing where you can design a product, but you can also sell a logo and then someone can, like, buy the logo and put it on their products that, like — you could buy the Run Button logo on a mug or something without me having made that mug but because they have this weird separation between designs and products, it's like super messy. It's just, there's just no good way of doing anything.
Dre: Mm.
Keith: Oh, something happened to Jack.
Dre: Oh, yeah. (muttering to self) I should stop, I should quit this thing...
Keith: Hello!
Jack: Hello. Now I'm here.
Dre: There's Jack!
Keith: Oh, there we go. Hi Jack. How's the new place?
Jack: I was, uh… Well I don't have a desk.
Keith: Don't have a desk. Okay, so but you do have a mic so that's one of the two things.
Jack: Yeah, although my mic is not...it's on a mic stand but because I'm using a temporary card table as a desk, it is, like, lower than where it should be. So I'm leaning down to talk into my microphone like I'm a radio show host in the 40s.
Keith: Am I wrong that you spent a lot of Friends at the Table recording from the floor?
Jack: I record music from the floor consistently.
Keith: Yeah.
Jack: That's my favorite place to be, but I do not do show recording from the floor. Because I want to be at my computer —
Keith: I thought that you didn't have a desk for a long time.
Jack: I also didn't have a desk for a long time and I went on a recording and said I'm very proud of my desk and sent a picture of it to Ali and she said "this is not a desk." (everyone laughs) This is two tables next to each other...
Keith: So where were you if you weren't on the floor but also not at a desk? You were just at one table?
Jack: I had assembled...I had assembled an L-shaped desk from two different pieces. One TV— three different pieces— one TV console, one nightstand, and one large rectangular piece of wood. (Dre laughs)
Keith: And that was, that was the predecessor to the not-desk desk?
Jack: No, that was my desk in Long Beach. That was where I did all my recording in Long Beach. But now—
Keith: Oh, I'm thinking pre-Long Beach. Wasn't there...wasn't there a UK no-desk time?
Jack: There was a brief America no-desk time where I sat on the floor in front of an Ikea Fjällbo, which is essentially like a small coffee table.
Keith: Okay.
Jack: You know, it's one thing or another.
Keith: Mhm. Mhm. Hey, yeah, for a long time I had a, I did everything— Run Button, Friends at the Table, everything— from, uh, I don't know if anyone remembers the 'large chunk of drywall balancing on a TV tray' era. (Jack laughs)
Sylvi: The fuck?
Dre: Jesus!
Jack: Do you still have the recording setup on the couch for Run Button? I always envied that.
Keith: I do! Yeah yeah yeah, it's great, it's awesome, love it. So yeah, I, uh, we have the mics hooked up to two clips on like, the two tables with the side of the couch. And then the recording stuff on the TV. And then it just gets sent right to the computer.
Jack: If I could do Friends at the Table lying down, like horizontal. (Keith and Jack laugh)
Keith: Doesn’t that produce—
Dre: You gotta get those new goggles that the, uh, the Lenovo Steam Deck has.
Jack: Oh, what is this?
Dre: They're like— now I gotta find them, hold on.
Keith: Like an AR goggle?
Dre: No, they're basically, I mean, it's basically like a VR headset. But not VR. They're just— and they're glasses. I am doing a bad job of describing this. You know the thing in sci-fi movies where you put on glasses and those are just like, monitors over your eyes?
Keith: Yeah, yeah.
Dre: That's what I think this— the Lenovo Legion Go.
Jack: God. (laughs)
Dre: But anyway, I think you could hook that up to a regular computer and so then you could lay down and do it.
Jack: It'll be the mic that will be the issue and it would be what it would do to my diaphragm. Like, I think that it would be audible that I was lying down on a recording. Probably.
Dre: I mean, I could lay down on the floor and we could just find out.
Jack: Do you have a headset mic on, Dre?
Dre: No, but I think this is close enough to the floor, I could get close to having my microphone down there.
Keith: I think it's an energy issue. I think it just will promote a bad energy.
Dre: Oh, I'd be sleepy.
Sylvi: Yeah, I would fall asleep.
Keith: Yeah.
Jack: You say a bad energy, Keith, like Mr. Wing having no malicious intent— (Keith laughs)— we're gonna talk about this, but the way you talked about recording with a bad energy— if I projected my Nen to you with a bad energy it would destroy your body beyond recognition.
Keith: (laughs) So I do mean a bad energy like Mr. Wing but I mean it like this (pastes something in the chat) instead of, instead of like the malicious intent. It’s a very disappointed…
Jack: I'm looking at the...Oh, oh right. (chuckling) It's Mr. Wing with his shirt untucked.
Keith: Yeah, and this is him being sort of exhausted by the two...the two fuckin' idiots.
Jack: (laughs) Are you on the floor, Dre?
Dre: No, I am not. Do you want me there?
Keith: No no no, you don't have to go on the floor.
Jack: No no no, it's okay.
Dre: (as if anxious) No, no, no, don't go on the floor, no! (laughs)
Jack: But moving is so exhausting. And I'm actually probably going to talk about this on the episode—
Keith: Sure.
Jack:— because watching these episodes was a trip when you are sort of barely conscious of your place in the world.
Keith: Yeah, yeah.
Jack: Physically and mentally.
Keith: There is something so bizarre about just like the feeling of being in a new home. It's like this weird version of like, being at a hotel, but also you're trying to be like, ‘forever! I'm here forever,’ at the same time.
Jack: Yeah, this is my hotel!
Keith: This is mine, eventually this hotel will feel like my home.
Jack: Yeah. It's a whole thing.
Keith: Yeah.
Jack: Should we hunt?
Keith: Uh, we should hunt. Yeah.
Dre: (plays a jingle on the air trumpet)
Sylvi: Should start recording, I forgot that these start at any time.
Dre: Yeah.
Keith: Do we want, for everyone's peace of mind, do we want to do a clap?
Dre: I don't care, man. This is your—
Keith: It's okay, we'll do a 3-2-1!
Dre:— this is your sick fuckin' show.
Sylvi: We live in your world now, Keith.
Jack: Ali was so mad! (Dre laughs)
Keith: I know, it was really funny.
(transition jingle plays)
Austin, Dre, Sylvi, Janine, Jack
Austin: Can anybody— can anybody guess what the three classes were?
Sylvi: I think I know what one of them is.
Austin: Because—
Dre: Uh...wizard, fighter, and then it's—
Janine: It would be like a knight thing —
Sylvi: I was gonna say elf is its own class.
Austin: One more time, waitwaitwait. Dre, what did you say? You said wizard—
Dre: Wizard, fighter, and then either ranger or thief. I think thief, I'll go with thief.
Austin: NONE of those. None of those are classes by the names you said them.
Dre: Wow! Okay.
Janine: Warrior...fighter...
Austin: No. Sylvi, what were you saying?
Sylvi: I thought there was just going to be one called elf, but I think I'm thinking of a different —
Austin: That is a D&D second edition thing. Second edition elf — well yeah, I think I want to say second edition, or maybe it is like, an expansion—
Sylvi: Because that was just ranger in…
Austin: Because there is— well, there's not rangers in first edition—
Dre: What about mage?
Austin: You're closer to what the wizard is called.
Dre: Magician?
Sylvi: Magic man.
Austin: You're, you're very close at this point.
Dre: Magic caster! Magic user!
Austin: No.
Sylvi: Wait—
Janine: Magicio.
Dre: Magic man!
Austin: 'Magic man' is the closest you've gotten to a class name yet.
Sylvi: Are you for real?!
Janine: Magic users?
Austin: They are called fighting-men? Fighting-hyphen-men— (Sylvi laughs)
Janine: Shut up! Fuck off!
Austin:— magic-hyphen-users, and clerics. Clerics is just here.
Janine: (cross) But that's magic! That's using magic!
Dre: (cross) Oh, that rules. I love that. I love this.
Sylvi: (cross) I fuck with that so hard!
Austin: Nope. It's different. Y'know?
Dre: You know, fighting-men.
Jack: Fighting-man!
Janine: That's dumb. That's weird.
Austin: (reading) There is no theoretical limit to how high a character may progress, i.e. 20th level lord— Oh, so wait, there are— this says 20th level lord, 20th level wizard, et cetera.
Dre: Oh, are there, like, subclasses?
Janine: Level Lord's here?
Austin: Level Lord is here. Maybe there's, let's see...Top level magic users are perhaps the most...da da da...How many times does the word 'wizard' show up in this book? Only 39.
Dre: That's it?
Austin: Only 39.
Dre: Hey, do a ctrl-f for magic missile.
Austin: Oh, it's probably in here— no, it is not in here.
Dre: Wow!
Austin: Let’s see spells.
Janine: Well, maybe it's just called something stupid like 'magic arrow'. I guess that's kind of the same thing.
Austin: Yeah. Spell books, let's see here… (cross) Let me roll for one spell, after I find where the spell is.
Sylvi: (cross) Now, okay. After we figure this out, I don't want to be too much of a downer, but we all did just come into this call and be like, 'oh, I'm so tired'.
Janine: What are we rolling again?
Austin: Well, I’m gonna find out, here. Here we go. Let’s sneak a peek here.
Sylvi: Am I coming through?
Austin: All right, we got some, give me a— first off you have to tell me, are you a magic-user or are you a cleric?
Dre: Uh, you know, I'll be a cleric.
Austin: All right, cleric. Give me a d5 first.
Dre: Okay. Interesting.
Austin: Yeah. This is five levels of—
Dre: Oh, okay, sure.
Austin: Oh, wait, sorry, sorry sorry sorry. This isn't true.
Dre: Do I need to pick my god first?
Austin: Mmmm, good question, I don't know. Now wait a second… oh, okay, I see.
Dre: Wait, they want to charge me $10 to get the PDF for original D&D? (scoffs) That's dumb.
Austin: I mean I’ll just send it to you, it’s fine.
Dre: No, yeah, I know.
Austin: Go ahead and give me d5 because there's like, five lists basically. So go ahead and give me a d5.
Dre: A two.
Austin: Alright, now give me a d4.
Dre: Okay...a one.
Austin: Okay! You got Bless!
Dre: Oh nice! Yeah!
Austin: Bless— reversible, cleric two, duration: six turns. Range: see below. During any turn, the prospective recipients of a Bless spell that are not in combat, the cleric may give them this benison: a blessing raises morale by plus one and also adds plus one to attack dice.
Dre: Yeah, no, I cast that in Baldur's Gate 1 and 2. (Janine chuckles)
Austin: By the time we get to Baldur's Gate, we ain't talking about morale scores anymore though.
Dre: No.
Austin: All right. Who's next?
Dre: I think that might still be in Pathfinder though.
Janine: I'll be a magic-user.
Austin: Blessing — You'll be a magic-user? One to six.
Janine: Yeah. Magic man.
Austin: Or give me a roll, rather, roll 1d6.
Dre: (falsetto singing) The magic man...
Janine: I got a one.
Austin: Alright, give me one to eight. Yeah, roll a d8.
Janine: I got a three.
Austin: Okay, that's Hold Portal, of course.
Janine: (impressed) Oh!
Dre: Oh, nice.
Austin: Hold Portal, of course, says: magic-user one, duration: see below.
Janine: Is that the one you can put stuff in?
Austin: Range: one. A spell to hold a door, gate, or the like. It's similar to a locking spell (see below) but it is not permanent. Roll two dice to determine the duration of the spell in turns. Dispel Magic (see above) will immediately negate it, a strong anti-magical creature will shatter it, and a Knock (see below) will open it.
Dre: That's sick! That's sick as fuck!
Austin: Yeah, hold down a door, y'know, lock it down with some magic.
Janine: Yeah!
Jack: I'll be a fighting-man, please.
Austin: Fighting-man doesn't have spells, Jack!
Dre: Yeah, Jack, c'mon.
Austin: Fighting-man doesn't do anything in this game. Fighting-man — okay, I'll tell you—
Jack: It doesn't do anything? Oh, it wallops people with a sword.
Austin: Fighting-men. I mean, I guess you could get a magical weapon? You could use a magical weapon if that's exciting to you.
Dre: Yeah!
Austin: But you don't start with one.
Jack: Okay, who do I need to be to choose between to get spells again?
Austin: Magic-users, or— I'll read you what fighting-men says. (reading) All magical weaponry is usable by fighting-men and this is in itself a big advantage. In addition—
Jack: This is because we're versatile.
Austin: Right. Well... (continues reading) In addition you gain the advantage of more, quote-unquote, "hit dice". They can use only a very limited number of magical items of the non-weaponry variety however, and they can use no spells. Top level fighting-men, lords and above, who build castles are considered 'barons'. (chuckles)
Jack: (amused and baffled) Ha! Ha! Wow! Uhh...
Austin: (excitedly) Okay, this is— now I understand. Wizard is a level of magic-user.
Janine: Ahh.
Jack: I see, and if I—
Austin: A level zero magic user is a medium, then they become seers, then conjurers, then theurgists, then thaumaturgists— that's you, Dre— then magicians then enchanters then warlocks then sorcerers then necromancers then wizards. And then it's wizard 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18.
Jack: If I build a castle, I'm a baron.
Austin: Only if you're a fighting-man.
Jack: Of course I am.
Austin: Yeah. Fighting-men go veteran, warrior, swordsman, hero, swashbuckler, myrmidon, but that's the highest level dwarves can— Oh wow. Elves and hobbits can only get up to hero. Also hobbits is just in here, huh? Y'all just put a hobbit in here? That’s…
Sylvi: Well isn't that the whole thing of like, why halfling is the word? They got sued?
Austin: Yeah, that’s why. Yeah, they got sued. Yeah.
Jack: Cowards.
Dre: Wait, I see elves in here, Austin.
Austin: Yeah, there are playable elves.
Dre: Oh, okay!
Austin: But that's not the elf class.
Sylvi: It's just not a class, yeah.
Dre: Ohh! This is — hm.
Austin: That's what I'm saying, elves can be heroes. (pause for effect) Just for one day. (Janine stifles a laugh)
Dre: I'm looking at something that says it's the 1974 version, and it has elves under classes.
Austin: (identical tone to Siegmeyer from Dark Souls) Mmm...Hmm...
Dre: I see fighting-men page eight, magic-users page eight, clerics page nine—
Austin: Yeah, but read what it says under elves, Dre.
Dre: Okay, all right, hold on.
Austin: Elves can begin either as fighting-men or magic-users.
Dre: Oh! Okay. So even though they— okay. Yeah, no, you're right. You right. My bad, my bad.
Austin: They have special stuff going on.
Dre: Ah, hobbits can only be fighting-men.
Austin: That's right. Oh, hang on a minute, we need more spells.
Dre: They can't progress beyond fourth level? That's bullshit...
Austin: Uh huh.
Jack: (defeated) Okay, I will be a cleric.
Austin: Give me a roll from whatever I said to whatever I said. One to five.
Jack: That's a two.
Austin: Give me a one to four.
Jack: That's a three.
Austin: Oh, well, this is an easy one. You can guess what this is. This is Hold Person. It's right before Hold Portal.
Jack: Oh, this is just a binding spell. Lock someone in place.
Austin: Yup, you got it. One to four persons.
Jack: One to four persons?! Wow!
Janine: Wow.
Austin: If it is cast at only a single person, it has the effect of reducing the target's saving throw against magic by negative two. That's pretty good. Uh, Sylvi?
Sylvi: What am I rolling again?
Austin: Magic-user or cleric.
Sylvi: I'll be magic-user.
Austin: Give me a d6. Hope you get something cool.
Sylvi: Me too!
Austin: Oh my god—
Sylvi: I got a two.
Austin: Okay that's fine because we haven't done this one yet. Alright, now give me a d10.
Sylvi: Okay...that's a six?
Austin: Oh, you got Knock. We already know what Knock does, right? Does everybody know what Knock does?
Sylvi: Does it knock? Is it I do Knock and then the genome soldiers from Metal Gear Solid go 'What was that?'
Austin: 'What was that?' No, it's not that. It is a spell which opens secret doors, held portals, doors locked by magic, barred or otherwise secured gates, et cetera.
Jack: Right. Held portals.
Austin: Yeah, held portals. And Knock will open up a held portal.
Jack: Huh.
Austin: Yeah. Mhm. There's some wild shit in here.
Jack: Well, we decided to put dice into Realis.
Sylvi: No. (laughs)
Jack: I know you might be thinking, oh, we didn't really play it for very long. Dice. Needs dice. (Dre and Janine chuckle)
Austin: Pass Wall, a spell which opens a hole in a solid rock wall. It is man-sized… ten feet in length.
Dre: Oh!
Jack: Oh, a hammer!
Dre: That's true. That is just a hammer.
Austin: That's a hammer.
Sylvi: Do we wanna time.is?
Austin: We do wanna time.is.
Dre: We probably should.
Sylvi: 'Cause we were all like, oh I'm so tired, and then we started talking about this. (giggles)
Austin: (baffled) The quote today...
Sylvi: Oh no.
Dre: Oh no...
Janine: Oh wait, I still have the old one.
Jack: It's fucking garbage!
Dre: Oh, who is this? I gotta google this asshole.
Janine: (disgusted) Oh...ugh...
Sylvi: Sapiosexual man...
Jack: The quote is "I don't fancy colors of the face. I'm always attracted to colors of the brain."
Janine: This is a serial killer thing. This is like, that's what Dahmer would say.
Austin: Only attracted to colors of the brain…
Sylvi: This is what Sylar from the first season of Heroes would say.
Jack: Ohh, yeah.
Dre: Wait. How old is this person?
Austin: A child. I'm looking at this person, and...
Dre: Yeah, he looks baby.
Austin: He's baby. He also seems to have put out thirteen books this year, so...yeah.
Dre: Yeah, he's only 29 years old.
Jack: Is this an existing person?
Austin: Yeah. You know—
Jack: Bullshit!
Austin:— It's very easy to get on time.is apparently.
Dre: Apparently!
Austin: They let anybody on there.
Jack: These days... (deep sigh)
Austin: Alright. 35?
Sylvi: Mhm.
(several off-beat claps, transition jingle plays)
Keith, Janine, Ali, Sylvi, Austin, Dre
Keith: Yeah. He’s shit-eating.
Ali: Hmm...
Sylvi: Yes! They use that— he's really good in that type of— he's shit-eating in Fargo season four in a very good way as well.
Keith: I should get into Fargo. I haven't seen any Fargo.
Sylvi: I think you'd like it.
Austin: (mumbling) Wait, which one’s season four…
Ali: Oh...which season was the most recent one?
Sylvi: Five—
Ali: Ooh.
Keith: I love the movie.
Sylvi:— which I liked. I liked season five. I think the only one that I'm like, actively not into was three. But even though it had some, like, fun bits.
Austin: I've seen one and four and that is it, believe it or not, so. (Ali chuckles) Some of two, we started two—
Sylvi: Two is— two is fun. I think two is kinda probably my favorite.
Keith: Is it an anthology thing? Is that why we're jumping around seasons?
Sylvi: Kinda, yeah.
Austin: Sort of. Yeah, it's one world but like, there's some time jumping.
Janine: They're like, True Detective-ing it, right?
Austin: No, it's more connected than True Detective is.
Keith: Okay.
Austin: But you know, season four mostly doesn't take place in Fargo, it mostly takes place in Kansas City in the 1950s.
Sylvi: Yeah, they tend to connect it through the same way they do in the movie, right? With the Fargo, like, criminal syndicate as the throughline.
Austin: Right. There is like, an overarcing, like, criminal Midwest world where, you know, there's some families that are connected out there in different ways, but really self-contained stories.
Sylvi: Yeah.
Austin: Each season is kind of self-contained— you could watch any season by itself.
Sylvi: I like that they jump around in time period a lot too. Season two is like, set in the 70s. And then I think season four is the 50s, right?
Austin: Four is the 50s. Four is like, Chris Rock goes to Kansas City to get a...to do his own stuff there and like ends up intersecting with a bunch of other established Midwestern crime families. It's good. Jason Schwartzman is there being an absolute...putz.
Sylvi: I love him in it!
Austin: He's great. And Jessie Buckley—
Keith: You said Nick Swardson?
Austin: No, Jason Schwartzman.
Keith: Oh, Jason Schwartzman! I was like, I haven't heard anyone talk about Nick Swardson in a long time. (Ali laughs)
Austin: Jessie Buckley is just fucking incredible as a...nightmare nurse.
Sylvi: Oh my god! Yeah, she's terrifying.
Austin: She's so good. Anyway, hi.
Sylvi: Hello.
Keith: Hello!
Austin: Are we ready to try to do a podcast?
Dre: Yeah!
Austin: Truly would love to just...kick it off today, even if we don't get deep in.
Dre: Yeah! Let's fuckin' bang it out!
Austin: It’s been a minute.
Dre: I'm ready to go!
Austin: Okay! Damn.
Keith: It has been a while.
Sylvi: Yeah! I'm like, excited, but, I'm nervous, but excited, you know?
Dre: Yeah!
Austin: It's been a while...
Dre: Oh, wait, hold on. I'm not ready to go. I need to change the battery on my headphones…(excitedly) then I'm fuckin' ready!
Ali: Wow…
Austin: Alright!
Sylvi: That's crucial. You kind of need to hear to do a podcast.
Dre: Yeah.
Ali: I'm sick today, but I feel like that's gonna work for me.
Austin: I can hear. Is Brnine gonna be sick?
Ali: Well Brnine, y'know, struggles. So. (Keith and Sylvi laugh)
Sylvi: I was gonna say, it's Brnine-coded, like, you're already there!
Keith: It's been a long run of Brnine being sick.
Dre: Alright, I'm juiced up.
Ali: Whoa.
Sylvi: Okay!
Ali: (dogs start barking in the background) Whoooa.
Sylvi: The dog's celebrating.
Janine: Someone else is juiced up too. (Dre and Ali laugh)
Keith: Dog's also juiced, yeah.
Sylvi: (like a dog barking) Juice! Juice! Juice! That's what—
Dre: Aw, I don't think dogs can have juice.
Ali: Wh…
Janine: I disagree. C'mon....
Dre: Can dogs have juice?
Sylvi: It's gonna be like, well, it depends on what it's the juice of! Because like...
Dre: Okay, it says a small amount of fresh fruit, ideally squeezed yourself, can be a refreshing treat for your dog.
Sylvi: Okay.
Keith: Dogs love carrots. You can make carrot juice for your dog.
Dre: Mm. My dog does not like carrots.
Keith: (whispering) what? (Ali laughs)
Dre: She's very picky.
Sylvi: My dog loves ice cubes.
Janine: Does your dog love broccoli? I've heard a lot of dogs love broccoli.
Dre: No, I tried because I love broccoli.
Keith: What about beets? I've heard dogs love beets.
Dre: I've never tried because I hate beets.
Janine: Pineapple?
Sylvi: They make headphones for dogs? (Dre and Ali laugh)
Janine: Only for Dre. (a pause while the joke kicks in — everyone laughs)
Dre: God fucking—
Keith: I bet… if the dog doesn’t love carrots…
Austin:— Like a volleyball smash back on the fucking ground—
Dre: Swish!
Sylvi: We're doing the Lebron/Dwayne Wade alley-oop picture—
Austin: You literally are, that's exactly right— (laughing) the little shrug, hands apart, yeah! Ah.
Dre: God, I could — I've never shown that to y'all. When I asked my friend Don to be my best man for my wedding, I commissioned a friend of mine to draw us doing the Lebron James/Dwayne Wade alley-oop. (laughs)
Austin: Oh hell yeah.
Sylvi: (laughing) Oh, that rules!
Austin: Okay...
Ali: Clapping?
Austin: (low energy) Let's do a clap...
Janine: That was a very enthusiastic prompt.
Austin: (more lively) Let's do a clap!
Janine: (dejected) Let's do a clap...(sighs)
Dre: Clap it up!
Austin: (sadly) I'm making it clap...(Ali laughs)
Janine: Monsters Inc. secretary voice...(Sylvi laughs)
Dre: I'm so excited to get this clap.
Ali: Oh, JK Rowling quote tonight! (Sylvi and Austin groan) Let's get off this website! Let's clap!
Austin: Let's go quick! Are we ready to do the clap? Are we all here? Are we all here?
Keith: Yeah.
Janine: Yeah yeah yeah.
Austin: 40 seconds. We're gonna clap at 40 seconds.
(a very impressive clap in unison)
Janine: Ali, I thought you were gonna say JK Rowling died. (Ali and Keith laugh)
Sylvi: Oh, I wish!
Dre: God.
Austin: If we were recording when JK Rowling died—
Dre: We just have to stop recording, start a stream—
Janine: Within only months of Kissinger!
Austin:— it would be so fucking good.
Ali: Oh boy.
Sylvi: Just the idea of that's got me so jazzed!
Ali: Yeah...
Janine: Queen Liz, Kissinger, JK Rowling. Death working overtime.
Keith: The king has cancer now.
Sylvi: We might get the king.
Austin: The king has cancer and is trying to cure it...with potions.
Dre: With potions!
Keith: No way. Wait, what?
Sylvi: Feudalism is back, baby.
Janine: Is he actually doing that?
Austin: That is what we — this what he —
Ali: ...what potions?
Dre: He has refused chemo because he wants to try natural remedies.
Janine: Oh my god, I can't believe—
Keith: Oh my god.
Austin: Yes. He wants to use herbs and potions.
Janine: I was so sure, I was so sure this is gonna be a thing where he couldn't walk the walk. Like, because he's been talking up these remedies, and I thought as soon as he was the one with his ass on the line he'd be like, "actually, chemo's okay." (Ali laughs)
Dre: Like when he had covid?
Keith: Wait, has he been talking up remedies?
Austin: He is a remedies boy.
Janine: Oh yeah, famously. Famously. He's part of why like, homeopathy is in the NHS and shit now, I think.
Keith: Really?!
Janine: Yeah. He's like a big alternative—
Keith: Wait, homeopathy is in the NHS?
Austin: No, no, that's not the case. Right? You can't get homeopathy through— can you?
Janine: I think it's something like that.
Dre: I mean, I don't know. My insurance doesn't cover PT but covers me going to a chiropractor. So...
Sylvi: Ew!
Keith: Jeez.
Janine: Yeah. He's a patron of a homeopathy group and has an appointed homeopath.
Austin: Right. This I believe. Yeah.
Sylvi: I did put the quote in ‘dog pound’.
Keith: Yeah there are NHS homeopathic services, yeah.
Janine: Yeah, yeah.
Dre: Jesus christ.
Austin: “The king will not be one for chemotherapy. He has always argued against it, he's a great believer in natural herbs, potions, and things like that.” (Sylvi laughs)
Janine: Die then.
Keith: It's insane because can you think of something that feels more like a potion than chemotherapy? (Austin and Sylvi laugh)
Janine: It's definitely more of a potion than water that someone said the word 'rutabaga' into.
Sylvi: I'm putting my Nen into this water to make it get rid of your cancer! (everyone laughs)
Dre: Y'know what, I feel better about that than homeopathy.
Austin: Truly. Yeah, I would too.
Dre: There's rules.
Ali: I got presented this video on Instagram recently of this this woman who was like, "you should never drink Liquid Death water because this doctor said that words have meaning— (Sylvi and Keith laugh, Janine groans) — and ice crystals change when words are next to them, and you can't have death in your life," and I was like, alright ma'am!
Janine: This ice crystal thing is like, tentatively related to actual research that's very annoying because people love to trot it out to mean things it doesn't mean. It's really stupid.
Austin: I hate it.
(“No Crisis” by Jack de Quidt plays)