Clapcast 13: A Loud F*ckin' Year

transcribed by Max (pine#6681)

AUSTIN: Um, hey.

DRE: Hi.

ALI: Hi.

JACK: Hi Austin. Uh…

AUSTIN: Can everybody hear me this time?

ALI: Uh-huh.

JACK: Yeah.

KEITH: Totally.

JACK: And am I using this microphone? [three microphone taps]

KEITH: Yes.

SYLVIA: Yes.

KEITH: You for sure are.

JACK: Cool, cool.

AUSTIN: Uh, everyone here?

JACK: We ran into some trouble —

AUSTIN: We did.

JACK: — yesterday.

AUSTIN: We did in fact. Alright. [JACK sighs] Everyone should start— should have a file going.

ALI: Mhm.

KEITH: Yeah.

ART: Oh shit, I lost—

AUSTIN: And we should—

ART: I didn't get any of that.

ALI: Oh, it's fine.

JACK: I'll start a new one then, if…

KEITH: Also you were just complimenting and then insulting [DRE: (raising and lowering in pitch) Bah-bah-bah-bah…] Randy Jon Taffer and Nathan Fielder, respectively.

ART: We're just libeling some celebrities.

JACK: It's the—

AUSTIN: Oh that's all.

ALI: As you do.

JACK: Yeah, it's the Clapcast material where you libel celebrities and then talk about television shows.

AUSTIN: (amused) Great.

JACK: It's basically every other podcast.

AUSTIN: Um, and then… we…

ART: Do you still have to eject —

AUSTIN: What?

ART: — external hard drives or is that over?

AUSTIN: Yeah, you should sti—

KEITH: That's over.

AUSTIN: Wait, no?

ALI: Um…

DRE: I think you should—

AUSTIN: You should still eject.

ALI: Yeah.

KEITH: I've never ejected a hard drive in my life.

DRE: Oh, no.

AUSTIN: Okay. Well, don't take—

ART: This is the hard drive with all of my recordings on.

ALI: Yeah. Mmm, just eject it.

KEITH: Hey, man, play whatever games you think you gotta.

[DRE laughs]

ART: How do you— How do you this on Windows? This is a…

DRE: (raising and lowering in pitch) Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh.

ART: I have 120 hours of recording time, so we should just get this session.

JACK: (cross) Yeah, just the bare…

AUSTIN: (cross) Yeah, we should just barely fit it in, probably.

[ART sighs]

JACK: I'm going to run to the loo, I'll be back in a second.

AUSTIN: Okay.

JACK: Are you back, Ali?

AUSTIN: No, I don't think Ali's back yet.

JACK: No. I have a LaCroix question.

[DRE laughs]

KEITH: What's the question? I haven't had the drink but I can give it my best.

JANINE: I was—

JACK: Uh…

JANINE: I truly, truly, not ironically, was going to say, "I think it's pronounced lacrosse."

[KEITH, JACK and DRE laugh]

KEITH: What's your Laxs— What's your Laxs question?

DRE: Yeah.

JACK: My Laxs question is, I have uh, Blackberry and Cucumber flavor which the man—

AUSTIN: Ooh, that sounds great.

JACK: Which the man in the Wegmans, he took— the first thing he said to me was, "You've got the best one."

AUSTIN: That sounds great.

KEITH: Yeah, that does sound great.

JACK: Um.

AUSTIN: I would have that right now.

JACK: So I'm pretty— Right now?

AUSTIN:(cross) I would, that'd be great.

KEITH: (cross) Well we talked about this on Friday. Blackberry, one of the top fruits.

AUSTIN: Blackberry's a great fruit.

JACK: Maybe the— Maybe the top fruit. Yeah, and it's…

AUSTIN: I used to pick blackberries by my grandmother's house, it was great.

JACK: Yeah, blackberries grow up my hill but you can't— I don't know whether or not you know this Austin. You can't have blackberries past September the 29th or else the devil will have spit on them.

KEITH: Does he still do that?

AUSTIN: Is this like a pee thing?

SYLVIA: Hey, what?

AUSTIN: Is that like a…

JACK: Is that like a pee thing?

JANINE: I bet that's like… I bet that's actually like a [AUSTIN: A pee thing.] piece of discard pest related wisdom.

AUSTIN: Yeah, yeah.

JACK: Mmm.

JANINE: Because there are definitely bugs— There are bugs um, that will like burrow in to trees and you can only tell that they're there because they leave like spit. It looks like spit.

AUSTIN: Well there you go.

JACK: Oh yeah, like cuckoo— cuckoo's spit, yeah, yeah, yeah.

JANINE: Little pockets of spit. Yeah, so I bet there's totally like, a bug that like —

AUSTIN: Yeah.

JANINE: — lays rancid shit in blackberries and leaves weird spit behind  [JACK: Alternatively.] so everyone's like "Don't fucking eat them after this time because the bugs'll get them."

JACK: Alternatively, it's the devil.

KEITH: Yeah.

JANINE: True.

JACK: Spit on them.

KEITH: It's really easy to convince someone of something if they believe in the devil and you told them that the devil's gonna be waiting for them.

JACK: I don't believe in the devil and it's very easy to convince me that the devil spit on some stuff.

ALI: Mhm.

AUSTIN: That seems like a very devil thing to do. Alright, are we all here?

ALI: Mhm.

AUSTIN: Alright, let's— [JACK: I'm taking this—] did we time.is already?

ART: Wait, are we? Sound off.

ALI: Wait. Hello.

JACK: Jack.

KEITH: Keith.

JANINE: Ah. Mm.

ART: Keith, did you say "Jack?"

JACK: (cross) No, I said Jack, 'cause that's me.

KEITH: (cross) No, that was Jack. I said Keith.

ALI: Oh no.

KEITH: I said Keith because that's me.

AUSTIN: Dre? Sylvia^[1]?

DRE: Well, we're all in the roll20. Yeah, I'm here.

ALI: Yeah, that's good.

AUSTIN: Alright, okay. Yeah, everyone's here.

DRE: Oh. Wait.

JACK: Sylvia, Sylvia.

SYLVIA: Yeah, I'm here. I'm here. Hello.

JACK: Okay, okay.

ART: Sylvia, Sylvia is in the room.

KEITH: Yeah, they said something earlier, they're just really quiet.

AUSTIN: Um.

KEITH: Oh, also I just have them turned down, way down.

AUSTIN: We should do—

SYLVIA: Glad we didn't clap yet because I accidentally stopped recording!

AUSTIN: Okay.

SYLVIA: I'm back.

AUSTIN: Okay. Let's clap at the top of the minute.

JACK: Oh god, oh god.

AUSTIN: No, let's not, let's do it at five seconds. You have time.

JACK: No, wait, I might be fine, I might be f—

AUSTIN: No, we'll do it at five seconds.

ART: Five seconds. Five seconds.

ALI: Mhm.

JACK: (incredulous) Five seconds.

[mostly unified claps, one slightly late one]

KEITH: There's one late one.

AUSTIN: Yeah, but it was really good otherwise.

ALI: Mmm.

KEITH: It was really good otherwise. That one late one really stood out.

[synth interlude: 0:04:32]

AUSTIN: Apologies. Get ready for me to just fuck up this whole bottom area. Boom. Uh…

JACK: Oh god.

AUSTIN: It's fine. I remember where everyone is.

JANINE: Mmm.

AUSTIN: Actually, this actually worked out fine. Because Echo was first anyway.

JACK: Well.

AUSTIN: One second. Echo.

SYLVIA: Yeah.

AUSTIN: Gig. Uh… And then I'll slide…

KEITH: Now I'm desperate. What's up?

AUSTIN: You're not. You're not…

KEITH: I'll do anything.

AUSTIN: Oh, well yeah, that's actually accurate.

[SYLVIA laughs]

JACK: I'm weird as hell.

[KEITH laughs]

AUSTIN: Uh, Echo, Gig, Siiignet. Wachoo.

JACK: (laughing) I hate this so much.

AUSTIN: What?

JACK: This is so anxiety-inducing.

AUSTIN: Why?

KEITH: That says Gignet.

AUSTIN: I'm fixing it. Gignet.

DRE: Gignet.

AUSTIN: Thank you.

KEITH: Gignet.

AUSTIN: Is that the ship name?

KEITH: It spells…

JANINE: It's the worst ship.

AUSTIN: This not a great ship, I'm not going to lie.

JANINE: I support all ships except that one.

AUSTIN: It's not a great ship. It's kind of a fun ship, though.

JANINE: It's funny but it's like…

AUSTIN: It's kinda fun.

JANINE: You know.

AUSTIN: Even.

KEITH: Gig calls it Gignet no matter what it's actually called.

AUSTIN: Oh my God. Uh…

KEITH: Contempt.

[AUSTIN and JANINE laugh]

JACK: You just took Contempt against yourself?

AUSTIN: (laughing) Yeah, I think so.

KEITH: Yeah, I'm desperate, I'll do anything.

SYLVIA: I mean, you know…

[laughter]

ALI: God…

SYLVIA: We've all been there.

AUSTIN: There we go. Aw, look at that. Now we have a turn order that works. Uh… Tender and then Grand. Boom. Grand. I don't know why Grand got smaller. Small Grand Theory. Um…

[SYLVIA laughs]

DRE: Thanks, I hate it.

AUSTIN: Alright, boom. So that's going to be the play order. The play order is now what it is at that selection there. Um…

[synth interlude: 0:06:25]

ART: Oh do I—

AUSTIN: You got to pick.

ART: Ow fuck! What the—

JACK: What happened?

ALI: Hm?

AUSTIN: Are you good?

ART: I'm alive.

ALI: Oh?

KEITH: You— Are you okay otherwise?

ART: A bug flew into my eye.

[AUSTIN and ALI yell]

KEITH: Oh boy.

AUSTIN: The Iconoclasts cannot be stopped.

JANINE: Ugh.

KEITH: Was it like a little bug or was it like a huge bug [AUSTIN: I hate this.] the size of your eye?

ART: It was a little bug.

AUSTIN: Okay, well…

ART: Uh, anyway.

[synth interlude: 0:06:55]

AUSTIN: Let's— Can we take a five minute break so I can run to the bathroom and prep for [JANINE: Yeah.] whatever you're about to fucking do?

JANINE: Okay. Yeah.

AUSTIN: Alright. BRB.

KEITH: Yeah.

JACK: Oh…

JANINE: I need that time also.

ART: Can everybody just add an Abundance?

AUSTIN: [laughs] Maybe. I don't know. We'll see.

ART: What a— What a challenging card.

AUSTIN: Well, it's built for a different game, right?

JANINE: Mmm.

AUSTIN: Like, in— in the Quiet Year, the threatening force can be like, "There are some foxes that came raiding our corn," [ALI laughs] or, you could add the Abundance, "Corn," right? Like, when it's Volition and the Rapid Evening, this is a different thing. So…

KEITH: Yeah, yeah. So, the problem with the— the problem with this particular one is that our year is not quiet.

AUSTIN: It's not been a quiet one.

JACK: It's like, "I'd like to remove the tricky farmers in the east."

[AUSTIN and KEITH laugh]

AUSTIN: Uh, Art?

JANINE: I'm also going to go to the bathroom.

AUSTIN: Uh, same, alright BRB.

ART: What a loud fucking year.

[AUSTIN and KEITH laugh]

JACK: Yeah. See you in a bit.

[TIMESTAMP: 0:07:58]

KEITH: Hello?

ALI: Oh god, you're a robot.

AUSTIN: Uh-oh. Someone's breaking up.

KEITH: Hello?

AUSTIN: Is it me? Hello?

[ALI sighs]

ART: Oh, Discord's bad for everyone. Usually, I—

[ALI laughs]

JANINE: Oh boy. (cross) Oh boy.

AUSTIN: (cross) This is great, oh my god.

SYLVIA: (cross) Oh god!

KEITH: (cross, in Flanger's voice) I'm Flanger, can I do…

AUSTIN: (cross) Okay, I'm going to disconnect.

DRE: (cross) Oh no.

KEITH: (in Flanger's voice) Can you all hear me? Hello?

ALI: Hello.

AUSTIN: For a second it sounded like Austin was doing a Flanger impression.

KEITH: Hello.

AUSTIN: I was not.

KEITH: That was me, I did it. It was—

AUSTIN: I left.

KEITH: I also left and came back. When you said Keith disconnected, I had already.

AUSTIN: Okay. Gotcha.

KEITH: Yeah. Can— Can everybody— We should check to make sure everybody can hear Austin before we go on.

AUSTIN: Hey, can you hear me right now?

JANINE: Yeah.

ALI: Mhm.

DRE: Yes.

AUSTIN: Does anyone say no?

KEITH: No.

AUSTIN: Okay.

JANINE: How would they have said no 'cause they wouldn't have heard the question.

KEITH: Damn.

ART: Yeah, why don't we go through. Like, why don't we go through like, Ali.

KEITH: Yeah, Austin.

ALI: I can hear Austin, my name is Ali.

[KEITH and AUSTIN laugh]

AUSTIN: Thanks.

ALI: [laughing] Just get out the whole thing.

AUSTIN: Good.

ART: We know— We know your voice.

AUSTIN: We know.

ALI: [laughing] No… I…

JACK: I can hear Austin and my name is Jack. My mic was muted so no one could hear me.

KEITH: [in Flanger's voice] I can hear Austin and my name is Flanger.

AUSTIN: [rhythmically] I can hear Austin and my name is Jack. De-de-dedede-de-de Discord not Slack.

KEITH: Art attack.

JACK: I thought you were going to say—

AUSTIN: Yeah, that's good too.

JACK: — Austin and my name's Austin.

AUSTIN: That's also good.

ART: So Sylvia and Dre are the people we haven't heard from?

SYLVIA: (cross) Oh no, I'm here, I know, I said that I can hear you.  

DRE: (cross) I'm good, I'm good.

AUSTIN: Okay.

ART: Oh is anyone hearing Sylvia, but very quiet?

JACK: Sylvia, you're very quiet.

SYLVIA: Am I okay now? Was I— I stepped away, I was looking at stuff to make sure it wasn't my connection.

AUSTIN: There you go.

[synth interlude: 0:09:38]

AUSTIN: So that's a pretty big distinction. Um, alright. Let's take a quick break because it's the end of a season. And we will come— Oh, you know what? Let me add clocks and then we'll take a quick break.

[ALI laughs]

JANINE: Mmm.

DRE: Oh, do we want to stop and save this for the…

AUSTIN: Yes we do.

DRE: Okay.

AUSTIN: So let's time.is.

KEITH: You want to add the clocks?

AUSTIN: Let's time.is. I'll add the clocks between recordings.

ALI: Okay.

JACK: Okay.

AUSTIN: Let's time.is at uh…

KEITH: Oh-five?

AUSTIN: Oh— Uh, are we all ready?

KEITH: Okay.

JANINE: Mhm.

ART: Psychopaths will keep time.is open all the time.

AUSTIN: We gotta clap a lot.

KEITH: It's so—

AUSTIN: Ten seconds, ten seconds, ten seconds?

[two groups of claps]

KEITH: It is so much— It's less work to not close—

AUSTIN: It's less work! Did we all clap?

JACK: Yeah.

ALI: Yeah.

JANINE: Yeah. I hit stop so I hope we did.

JACK: Ali, what are we calling this?

[laughter]

ART: Stare at a tab with the time on it, like a… like a…

KEITH: I don't stare at it.

ALI: We have multiple tabs.

JANINE: Move tabs, Jesus.

ALI: What's this—

KEITH: I'm Art, I have one monitor per tab.

AUSTIN: Oh, is this TM Finale name 1?

[synth interlude : 0:10:36]

AUSTIN: Alright, I'm recording. Let's time.is.

ALI: Okay.

AUSTIN: Twenty?

ALI: Oh.

JANINE: Okay.

[two groups of claps]

ALI: I didn't. I'm sorry. I know that I should've.

KEITH: Thirty?

ALI: Um, yeah.

AUSTIN: Yeah.

[three groups of claps]

AUSTIN: Okay. Everybody go? Everybody clap?

ALI: Yeah.

AUSTIN: Okay.

[synth interlude: 0:11:02]

AUSTIN: Alright, uh, let's clap.

ALI: Alright.

JACK: Putting that there.

JANINE: Five after? No?

AUSTIN: Uh, yeah, five after.

[two groups of claps]

AUSTIN: That sounded good.

ALI: Yeah, that wasn't bad.

AUSTIN: To me.

[synth interlude: 0:11:20]

JACK: Yeah, they should put some like…

JANINE: At least they didn't put candles there.

DRE: That's not— Yeah.

JACK: Did something happen?

AUSTIN: Can— What's wrong with candles?

JACK: Or are you just thinking of what would be the worst in a bookstore window?

JANINE: No I was just thinking— I was just thinking about how bookstores in Canada work which is, it's one third books and then two thirds candles.

JACK: Oh it's the same in the UK. Although the worst bookstore experience I've had recently was in Iceland where um, every book…

JANINE: Was herring.

JACK: Every book was herring. It was just fermented shark. No, every book costs thirty dollars. Every book.

JANINE: Ugh.

ALI: Ugh.

JANINE: (cross) I guess they're heavy to sorta like ship them there. The shipping costs.

KEITH: (cross) That's expensive. Like, little soft cover, like mass market, soft cover books?

JACK: Yeah, mass market soft cover books. I thought I was doing the maths wrong, and then when I found that I was doing the maths right, I thought that I was looking at some special book section, but no, the cheapest that I could find a book in an Icelandic bookstore was thirty dollars.

JANINE: I bet it's— I bet it's a transportation thing.

JACK: And also Iceland is just like astonishingly expensive to do everything.

JANINE: Mm, yeah. I mean, again, I bet that's transportation.

JACK: Yeah.

JANINE: I mean, it's the same in the Northwest Territories and stuff, like they— there are a lot— I highly recommend anyone who's interested, there's like an article about how Amazon Prime Service is basically like, integral [JACK: Oh wow.] to the communities in Nunavut [DRE: Yeah.] because they— because like, if you want to get diapers for your baby, it will cost you sixty dollars otherwise.

AUSTIN: Mhm.

JANINE: It's like, blisteringly expensive and like, those communities are not high-income communities.

JACK: Yeah, yeah.

JANINE: They don't have that money. If they just want like fruit juice [JACK: God.] It is— It is, you know, obscenely expensive. One bottle will cost us what one case— would cost them what one case will cost us. So Amazon Prime, because they don't— because it's just Amazon prices, they can just buy the stuff and ship it and Amazon Prime shipping is still the same there, even though it is— it is impractically expensive and there is a lot of concern that Amazon will shut that off because it's impractically expensive. Um…

JACK: Huh. That's really interesting.

JANINE: Yeah.

JACK: I was surprised to… When we went to Iceland, there are no trees, anywhere, at all. And um…

KEITH: What did they do with them?

JACK: Well, I believed— I'd believed it was like… It's just volcanoes and trees don't grow. But the actual answer, Keith, is that the vikings chopped them down. They deforested—

KEITH: Ah, there you go.

JANINE: What?!

JACK: Yup.

JANINE: Oh.

JACK: They deforested the entire island to build longships.

AUSTIN: Sure.

JANINE: Wow.

KEITH: Not such a silly question now, huh.

JACK: Yeah, it is not such a silly question. The answer is vikings.

JANINE: I would've thought it would've been like a root thing because the soil would've been really hard.

KEITH: (cross) They never— See, here's my understanding is that—

JACK: (cross) It's been heavily deforested…

KEITH: My understanding of vikings is that they were awhile back. And so no one was ever like, "You know, we should plant some trees again."

[DRE laughs]

JACK: They're trying but Iceland is both like, wildly inhospitable and like we talked about, it's difficult to get stuff there. Um, the—

KEITH: I thought Iceland was the— was not as— not that inhospitable.

JACK: There's no— There's no—

ALI: Yeah, isn't Greenland the ice one?

AUSTIN: (cross) No, they're both—

JACK: (cross) Greenland is a lot worse. Iceland is still pretty bad.

AUSTIN: They're both bad.

KEITH: They're both bad? Okay.

JACK: I went there in…

JANINE: Iceland is called Iceland.

JACK: (cross) Yeah, that is— that is also true.

KEITH: (cross) Bad in terms of—

ART: (cross) Aren't seeds small and light and…

KEITH: Bad in terms of terrain, not just like a bad place, right?

AUSTIN: No, Iceland's a great place.

JACK: Not in terms of— What were you saying, Art?

ART: Aren't seeds small and light and easy to ship? I mean, I don't…

JACK: I suppose they are small and light and easy to ship, but I guess it's like a weird thing where… if you don't have any trees, there are no wind breaks.

AUSTIN: Mmm.

JANINE: Mmm.

JACK: Um, so saplings find it hard to settle. Like, the vikings kinda really did a number um, on Iceland.

AUSTIN: (cross) Do you think it's every year…

JANINE: (cross) But you'd think that those trees would've been particular adapted to— [JACK: To a tundra.] to living on Iceland and now all the trees that are good for Iceland are dead so it's like, Russia trees?

AUSTIN: (cross) Do you think every winter was colder— Jack can't hear me. Jack can't hear me.

JACK: (cross) Yeah, they gave the minister in the nineties…

AUSTIN: Jack can't hear me at all.

KEITH: Yeah, no.

JANINE: Jack, you can't hear Austin, can you?

JACK: Nope.

AUSTIN: Okay.

DRE: Oh weird.

AUSTIN: How 'bout now?

JACK: Oh, I was wondering where Austin was. Hello Austin.

AUSTIN: I've been talking and…

JANINE: Yeah.

AUSTIN: I was like, "Wow, Jack really wants to tell this viking story, I can't get a word in edgewise."

[laughter]

JACK: [over laughter] Oh my god, Austin, I'm so sorry. I feel really bad. I feel really bad about this, I just couldn't hear you.

AUSTIN: No, it's fine. It's fine. My joke about the wind— It's not even. The moment has passed.

JACK: No, if you want to—

AUSTIN: No, I'm good.

JACK: No, go for it.

AUSTIN: I'm good. 'Cause it's not a good joke. It's not a good joke. [JACK: I thought you were just really—] In the moment, there would've been a rhythm to it but now it's gone. The moment has passed.

JACK: It's really hard to do comedy when you can't hear the other person.

AUSTIN: It's impossible. Are we uh… How we feeling? Are we ready to do this show?

[Jack sighs]

ART: I'm not getting any more ready.

AUSTIN: Okay.

JACK: Yeah, exactly.

JANINE: True.

DRE: Yeah, basically.

KEITH: I'm actually getting more ready. As time goes on, I'm getting more and more ready.

AUSTIN: Okay, well, this has left me with a choice. Do we just wait?

ART: Keith can go and we can just put all of his stuff in as pick ups…

ALI: Oh yeah.

AUSTIN: Mhm, mhm, mhm.

JACK: Ali would love that.

AUSTIN: [laughs] Uh, alright. Let's uh…

KEITH: Yeah, the reason I'll be so ready that that's even a totally fine option.

AUSTIN: Let's uh… Let's clap. Let's do a clap. A time.is clap.

ALI: Oh right, open this. Is everyone recording?

AUSTIN: I am.

JACK: Mhm.

DRE: I am now.

ART: How would I miss lightning time?

{0:16:34}

JACK: It's international tiger day!

AUSTIN: What was that? Ooh.

JACK: It's international tiger day.

SYLVIA: Oh this is a good sign.

AUSTIN: Ooh. That's a good sign. That's a good sign.

DRE: Tiger blood? Was that the thing?

ALI: Did we say a time?

AUSTIN: No, no. We didn't say time, but it's nev—

ART: Five seconds?

ALI: Five seconds?

AUSTIN: Five seconds.

[three groups of claps]

KEITH: That sounded tight.

ART: Instead of clapping, we should've all yelled "Tiger Blood."

[KEITH laughs]

AUSTIN: Oh my god.

JANINE: I was going to suggest the tigeriest time, which would've been eleven.

ALI: Oh.

JACK: 'Cause it's stripes?

JANINE: Yeah.

SYLVIA: Ooh.

AUSTIN: That's good. That's good. That's clever. I like it.

JANINE: It's not— No.

ART: I see what you were going for, there.

AUSTIN: Okay. Are we— Are we feeling good? Are we feeling ready to do this— I'm going to start.

KEITH: (cross) I actually feel ready to go.

JANINE: (cross) We better be feeling good.

DRE: (cross) I feel pretty good.

AUSTIN: (cross) I'm going to start, is what I'm going to say. Okay.

[synth interlude: 0:17:20]

AUSTIN: Totally. Okay. Oh, Sylvia's power got knocked out.

JANINE: Oh. Uh-oh.

DRE: Oh, that's bad.

ALI: It's the opposite of sun.

KEITH: Like uh…

JANINE: I mean, it's still daytime but…

JACK: (cross) Volition has moved.

AUSTIN: (cross) I'm recording a back up, but…

JANINE: Oh?

KEITH: Oh, it is back up?

AUSTIN: No, I said I've been recording a back up.

KEITH: Okay.

ALI: Whew.

KEITH: Okay. It is back, though.

AUSTIN: It seems like it.

KEITH: Um, also it seems um, they should have uh… they should have a crash protection on Audacity so…

AUSTIN: Mhm.

JANINE: Fingers crossed.

AUSTIN: Very happy with that scene. That was good.

ALI: Yeah. It is.

JANINE: Yeah.

KEITH: God, recording this has been like pulling teeth.

AUSTIN: Uh-huh. It really is.

JANINE: Turn three.

AUSTIN: Uh-huh.

KEITH: I'm doing more Green Day.

AUSTIN: Oh, goddamnit. [KEITH laughs] Oh. I don't even— I'm not even a big Green Day. [JANINE sighs] I'm not a big Green Dayer.

ART: Um…

JANINE: We sang a Green Day song at my grade six graduation.

KEITH: Really? That's weird.

ART: The Time Of Your Life?

AUSTIN: Yeah, Having the Time Of Your Life, that's…

KEITH: Yeah.

JANINE: Yeah, they made us sing Having the Time Of Your Life.

ART: I think that's been literally every graduation since that song came out. I'd be more surprised if you were like, "I've never been to a graduation that played that song."

JANINE: It was grade six though so I just want to underscore that…

AUSTIN: That's very funny.

JANINE: This is a long time ago.

ALI: Sang what song?

AUSTIN: Time Of Your Life. Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life).

ART: Good Riddance, parentheses, (Time Of Your Life).

JANINE: This would've been in 1997 or 1998.

AUSTIN: I just love it because like, sixth grade, man, "Another turning point, another fork stuck in the road."

JANINE: [laughing] Yeah.

AUSTIN: "Time grabs you by the wrist, (cross) directs you where to go."

JANINE: (cross) [laughing] "Directs you where to go."

[ALI laughs]

ART: (cross) Man, who wouldn't…

KEITH: (cross) To be fair, that's never more true than when you're twelve.

ALI: Hmm.

JANINE: It's good because it did— It did um— It did resonate with me because I had just gotten my ears pierced, for that day.

AUSTIN: Oh, fair okay.

DRE: Oh yeah.

JANINE: So, growing up.

JACK: Hmm.

ART: I guess this is like if—

AUSTIN: I guess this is like growing up, classic Green Day lyric.

ART: If grade school was the time of your life, I really hope you find a more satisfying adulthood.

AUSTIN: Oh man, it's tough out there, you know?

ART: I know, but you know, I'm hoping for people.

AUSTIN: So you really— At sixth grade, you were stood in front of people and were like, (singing) "Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial."

JANINE:  Yeah.

AUSTIN: Is really? Okay.

JANINE: On stage.

ALI: Wow.

JANINE: I'm 90% sure it was grade six. It might've been grade eight but I think it was grade six.

KEITH: I like the idea of the school being like, "You guys should sing Good Riddance to us."

[JANINE and AUSTIN laugh]

ART: No one's ever called that song Good Riddance.

KEITH: I know.

AUSTIN: Yeah.

KEITH: I— Yeah. But they had to have to like, looking up lyrics, they had to at least seen it.

ART: It was released in 1997, that still plays, right?

JANINE: Yeah. It would've been a new song.

AUSTIN: "Vocalist and guitarist Billie Joel Armstrong wrote "Good Riddance" after a break-up with a girlfriend who moved to Ecuador. Billie Joel said in Guitar World, 'In the song, I tried to be level-headed about her leaving. Even though I was completely pissed off. So I named it "Good Riddance" just to express my anger.'"^[2]

ART: Oh my god. Ugh, so the— I hate that like Green Day became like the 9/11 band.

KEITH: Did they?

DRE: What?

ALI: Excuse me?

JANINE: What the hell does that mean?

ART: Oh, American Idiot (AUSTIN: Yeah.) is like, about 9/11.

DRE: Oh my god.

JANINE: Oh…

ALI: Oh, is it?

AUSTIN: Yes.

ART: And like then, so is the musical of the same name.

KEITH: Wait, what about it is about 9/11? I remember…

AUSTIN: George Bush is the American Idiot in question.

KEITH: Right, I knew that.

ART: Wake Me Up When September Ends.

AUSTIN: Yeah.

KEITH: Oh, okay, I guess that one tracks.

ART: Boulevard of Broken Dreams. Less clear but the idea, right?

AUSTIN: Homecoming. Letterbomb.

KEITH: I— That album came out like —

AUSTIN: Governador?

KEITH: — when I was eight.

ALI: Jesus of Suburbia.

JANINE: Okay.

KEITH: What does— What year did that album come out again 2000 —

AUSTIN: 2004.

KEITH: — 2? 2004?

AUSTIN: It took some time.

KEITH: So I was 12.

ART: Yeah, Bruce Springsteen was the only one who really hit the 9/11 iron while it was hot.

AUSTIN: Yeah.

KEITH: Um… That was— That was the last CD I ever bought was…

AUSTIN: Wow.

ART: Wow.

ALI: Wow.

KEITH: Was Boulevard of Broken Dreams. Yeah.

DRE: Quit buying CDs early.

KEITH: Yeah, I got…

JANINE: Just knew they weren't going to get any better.

KEITH: Yeah, no.

JANINE: Top through.

[DRE laughs]

KEITH: Well, to be fair, it's the last CD I remember buying. But I'm— Like I remember listening to like that on like a school bus on a CD player.

ART: I think the last CD I bought was Yeezus which is…

ALI: Oh boy.

ART: Yeah.

AUSTIN: That's a… cool looking CD at least.

ART: Yeah.

ALI: I think the last CD I bought…

DRE: Man… That also might be mine, Art, actually now that I think about it.

ART: After that I was done with CDs.

[AUSTIN laughs]

ALI: I bought the Weekend's first album and Janelle Monae's album [AUSTIN: Oh, sure.] from Target when they released them on the same day and those are the last two albums that I bought.

KEITH: Yeah. Pretty good. Oh, the—

AUSTIN: I get my parents CDs a lot for Christmas so I bought one like, months ago.

ALI: Oh, yeah, yeah.

KEITH: Oh, actually, sorry. I have bought CDs like, in the last five years, but it was the last CD that I bought before buying an iPod— or getting an iPod mini as a gift, and then not buying CDs for like ten years.

ALI: Oh, right.

KEITH: Um. iPod mini came out in 2004 so that tracks.

ART: God, fuck Green Day.

AUSTIN: Yeah, fuck Green Day.

ART: I just don't care for that.

KEITH: That one album's good. That's a good album. I don't— I don't even care about Green Day but I do think that that album's good.

DRE: Yeah, you just gotta take the Longview on Green Day's discography.

AUSTIN: Right. That's all.

KEITH: That's another— That's another song.

DRE: Pretty sure.

KEITH: It is. It is.

DRE: I think. Okay.

KEITH: Also from Dookie.

AUSTIN: Hey. Still waiting on Sylvia. I'm actually going to run to the bathroom again. BRB.

KEITH: Listen, everybody here that doesn't know the full track listing of uh, Dookie is a chump. Track three, Chump. [laughs]

JACK: What's— What is the full track listing?

KEITH: Uh, Burnout, Having a Blast, Chump, [JACK: Oh my god.] Longview, Welcome to Paradise, Pulling Teeth, Basket Case, She—that's a good one—Sassafras Roots, When I Come Around—Also a good one—Coming Clean, uh, uh, Emenius Sleepus, In the End, and F.O.D.

JACK: Okay. Well, I don't know what I was hoping for when I asked for the full track listing but I —

KEITH: Yeah.

JACK: (cross) We got it.

KEITH: (cross) You got it.

JACK: Yeah.

[ALI laughs]

KEITH: Yeah. You've also got bonus track, All by Myself, written and performed by Tre Cool.

DRE: Okay.

KEITH: Tre Cool is the drummer of Green Day.

ALI: Can you guys hear that?

KEITH: Yes.

JACK: Mhm.

JANINE: Yeah.

ALI: Okay.

JANINE: Is that like a music box?

ALI: Yeah, I stood up 'cause I was like, I've been standing for a little bit and then I remembered I had a music box on my shelf and it was like…

JACK: You just opened it.

JANINE: I had… Um, I once, on a whim, got these like… Strapya used to sell these like, it's like an egg, it's like painted up like a cat and it has these metal contacts on the bottom that you're supposed to be able to like put it in your hand and it'll meow. But it really just meows whenever it sort of moves back and forth. Um so I— I got one because I thought it was cute and then it was like inviting a curse into my house because it was like, whenever it got nudged, it'd just go "Mew, mew." [ALI gasps, JACK laughs] For like a minute. [ALI gasps] And I was in college and moved twice a year and it was the most annoying thing. It was just— It taught me such an important life lesson about buying garbage. Um…

ALI: Mhm.

JANINE: Yeah.

ALI: That time in your life where you don't have to own everything that you think is cool.

JANINE: Yeah. Like I don't need a bunch of plastic shit that screams at me whenever I move a box. [DRE and JACK laugh] Huh.

KEITH: Um. Speaking of plastic that screams…

JANINE: What?

KEITH: My sister had um, mini clips?

JANINE: Mmm.

KEITH: Do you guys remember mini clips? With the little…

AUSTIN: I'm back.

KEITH: With the little…

JANINE: Weren't they HitClips?

ALI: Oh, maybe.

KEITH: HitClips— I think there's two. I think that —

AUSTIN: No.

KEITH: — MiniClips were the thing that HitClips played.

DRE: Wait.

AUSTIN: Austin is back, Sylvia is not back.

ALI: Okay.

JANINE: Um…

KEITH: Um, and so she just had these little, like a hundred little plastic shit that played a minute of a song and she…

DRE: Oh, they didn't play like the whole song, right? It was just like…

KEITH: No, they only played like a minute of the song. And they were big too. They were like the size of a… They were like the size of a quarter but square. Like if you squared the edges of a quarter. Um… And it played a minute, or maybe like a minute and twenty seconds of a pop song and then that was it.

AUSTIN: We have an important update.

ALI: Mm?

AUSTIN: Um, the front cover of my fan, which some of you from the COUNTER/weight finale maybe recall is called the Vornado, has broken off. I have it reattached, it's fine. But, at any moment, this Vornado could be done, and…

KEITH: Wait, what's this Vornado that you have?

AUSTIN: My Vornado, is my fan. It's the fan.

KEITH: Yeah, you said that. Oh your fan?

AUSTIN: It's the fan that I've had for at least the last two years 'cause it came up during the COUNTER/weight finale.

KEITH: Oh, and it's called— That's the brand name.

JANINE: Has someone already made the joke about like, eating a lot of people? Like, vore-nado?

ART: While spinning around?

AUSTIN: Yeah, no, yes. That was—

JANINE: Has that come up before? Okay.

AUSTIN: Two— Yes. During— During that recording. I guess we didn't have Clapcast at the time.

ALI: Oh yeah.

KEITH: Is it a soft Vornado or a hard Vornado?

ALI: What?

SYLVIA: What did I come back to?

AUSTIN: You know?

JANINE: [laughing] Is that—

AUSTIN: I couldn't know.

JACK: [sighs] Um…

KEITH: Well a soft vornado would be a fan that like —

JACK: Oh no, here we go.

KEITH: — slowly devours a person whole.

JACK: This is— I hate this.

JANINE: Ohhh. Yeah, that's a gore.

KEITH: A hard Vornado would be a fan that devours bits of people [JANINE: Yeah.] and tears them apart and kills them.

ALI: Shut— Where— Okay, Sylvia. Hi, hey Sylvia.

AUSTIN: Hi Sylvia.

KEITH: (cross) Just be— Hard vore is a lot bloodier and gorier than soft vore.

SYLVIA: (cross) I tried recovering my file.

AUSTIN: Uh-huh.

ALI: Okay.

SYLVIA: I'm going to talk over the Vornado.

ALI: Thank you, good.

AUSTIN: Thanks, good.

SYLVIA: I tried recovering my file and it just gave me an error so I lost it.

AUSTIN: Uh, let's— Let's clap.

KEITH: Oh that— If you still have—

AUSTIN: Let's everyone— Let's everybody else clap real quick, I want to save and upload this backup immediately.

ALI: Okay.

KEITH: Do we want— Do we want to stop this file and start a new one?

AUSTIN: Once we clap, yeah.

KEITH: Oh, once we clap. Yeah.

DRE: Yeah, we've got three hours or so.

JANINE: Oh, oh we all do, okay.

ALI: God.

DRE: Mhm.

AUSTIN: Uh-huh?

ALI: I feel so rude.

AUSTIN: I'm sorry. Let's do twenty seconds.

JANINE: Wait, hang on, I have to restart stuff.

AUSTIN: What do you mean restart stuff?

JACK: Wait, no we're clapping to finish the—

JANINE: Didn't— Oh, fuck, I just— I just hit stop.

AUSTIN: If you already stopped, don't— Let's not clap, let's not clap, let's figure out where we're at.

JANINE: That's cool, that's on me.

AUSTIN: Who's still recording?

JACK: Me.

AUSTIN: Everybody who's still recording let's clap at thirty.

ART: Okay.

[two groups of claps]

AUSTIN: Okay. I'm going to stop this. I'm gonna save it.

JACK: Now we're— Now should we stop recording or do we just…

AUSTIN: Everyone should stop.

JACK: Okay.

KEITH: Yeah.

AUSTIN: Let's just stop and let's just get this out—

JACK: Okay.

AUSTIN: It's a three hour recording already, so…

ALI: Mhm.

ART: And this is Finale…

ALI: 3.

ART: 3 okay.

AUSTIN: 3A, right? Or are we just doing 3. We're just doing 3.

JANINE: Isn't it A only if you're— If you're— Yeah.

AUSTIN: You're right. You're right. We're just going to do 3. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

JACK: Just do 3.

[synth interlude: 0:28:19]

[a video is playing in the background with muffled voices]

JACK: The little rolling guy?

AUSTIN: The little roller. Ham-Hams— Hamtaro. Hamster. Hamstar. Hamstar. Is Hamstar illegal? Or would Hamstar be a pig?

ART: Every player who has ever played on the London Spitfires is from South Korea.

AUSTIN: That— Yeah, that makes sense. (cross) Lots of South Korean.

ART: (cross) Like every— Every one of them.

DRE: (cross) That might not be the only team with that stat, though.

JACK: And like, you know, as someone who follows like English Football, it's like super cool when teams have a lot of people from different places on them.

AUSTIN: Right. I will say, [JACK: Um.] that let's be clear, that's only if you count the players. Because the owner and president and general manager are all American.

JACK: Oh fucking cool, great. Alright, see I've got beef with that.

[ART laughs]

AUSTIN: Tom Stuwart, though, is on the team as the British Consultant, so…

JACK: As the what?

AUSTIN: British Consultant.

DRE: No.

JACK: What is a British Consultant?

JANINE: That's what Jack is, here, for your press.

JACK: Screw all of you all.

KEITH: What?

AUSTIN: Uh, there's an article in the Daily Mail about this. Uh, "Stylosa explains what a 'British Consultant' is (JACK: Oh my god.) and describes what the London Spitfire Overwatch League players are like behind the scenes. (JACK: What is a—) Stylosa says he is one of the people in charge of London Spitfire content creation. The team is using him as a bridge between the players and their British fans. He describes the players as— He describes the players as respectful, and hugely professional in their craft."^[3]

ART: There—

AUSTIN: Uh, I'm going to give you the photo of him and you will not be surprised.

ART: Their minor league team is completely European and I'm just going to guess by name that the following people are English. (JANINE: Yeah.) Daniel Hathaway. Cameron Bosworth. [KEITH and JACK laugh] And I'm taking a flier on this one but Finley Adisi.

JACK: Mmm.

AUSTIN: Could go either way.

JACK: Mhm.

KEITH: Um…

JACK: This guy— This guy look likes he sucks.

AUSTIN: Yeah.

KEITH: Yeah.

ALI: What's going on here?

JACK: Uh, we're ranking the— (DRE: [laughs] I'm sorry.) the various members of the Overwatch League winning team, the Spitfires.

JANINE: It's— It's good that no one has trained him on how to hold a [laughter] beer bottle while showing the label.

JACK: Oh boy.

JANINE: And he's just got it from the bottom there 'cause he just doesn't know what to do. He just doesn't have media training in that way. He just doesn't know…

AUSTIN: No…

SYLVIA: That's the expression of someone who doesn't know how to hold a beer bottle.

ART: There's two Los Angeles teams?

JANINE: That thumbs up isn't even his hand, that's someone else.

AUSTIN: Are there?

ALI: Is there two Los Angeles teams?

JACK: Yeah, there are two— There are two LA teams.

AUSTIN: The fuck?

ALI: That's so weird. Ugh.

JACK: Can't remember what they're called.

ART: They're Gladiators and the Valiant.

ALI: Wait, is actual sports like that too? Doesn't— Wait.

AUSTIN: Sometimes, yeah.

SYLVIA: Yeah. Sometimes.

KEITH: Yeah, you live in New York. New York is the capital…

AUSTIN: New York Yankees and Mets.

ALI: I know, I know, it's— [laughs]

AUSTIN: Giants and Jets.

DRE: There's two football teams in LA right now, too.

ALI: Yeah, I— Full disclosure, I was having a conversation with someone yesterday, where we were comparing esports to sports 'cause he was like— he was like, I have another Philly team to root for 'cause he roots for Philly teams. And I was like—

AUSTIN: This is Sean. For people who…

ALI: Yeah. My friend Sean. Um, so yeah…

JACK: Who does Sean root for?

ALI: The— The Philadelphia whoever.

AUSTIN: Fusion?

JACK: Okay.

AUSTIN: Is that right?

JACK: Okay, yeah. I was just curious.

ALI: [laughs] I don't know if there was an end to that story, but then I was like, "Oh." 'Cause doesn't… LA just have two football teams?

ART: Two football teams, two basketball teams, two baseball teams if you count the Anaheim Angels renamed themselves the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim but didn't move into [KEITH laughs] LA city or county.

ALI: Jesus fucking… No, that doesn't count.

AUSTIN: That's— Doesn't count. Why?

ALI: Yeah, they have two basketball teams.

KEITH: But that's still California. California— Los Angeles isn't a state.

AUSTIN: Oh, California— California's huge.

ALI: Yeah.

AUSTIN: California has seventy sports teams, right?

ART: I mean, I don't know but that number sounds about right.

DRE: They have many. They have a lot.

KEITH: Um…

AUSTIN: I've got it.

JACK: There's so many sports teams that Art is in one of them.

AUSTIN: Los Angeles—

ART: Yeah, I have to leave from this and go straight to a Minor League Baseball Game and I'm like —

[KEITH laughs]

JANINE: I was going to say, when—

ART: — I hope to ever make it to the majors but I guess.

AUSTIN: So, LA Angels, LA Dodgers, Oakland Athletics. San Diego Padres, San Francisco Giants, five baseball teams. Chargers and Rams from LA in the NFL, plus the Oakland Raiders plus the San Francisco 49ers. Four NFL teams. LA Lakers, LA Clippers, Golden State Warrior and Sacramento Kings for basketball. Uh, Anaheim Ducks, Los Angeles Kings and San Jose Sharks for the NHL, for hockey, and then the LA Galaxy, the Los Angeles Football Club and the San Jose Earthquakes for the soccer. Don't be the— the California Earthquakes. How 'bout don't be that.

ART: Mm, yeah. Then the LA Gladiators and the LA Valiant for the Overwatch teams.

AUSTIN: For Overwatch, right, I was getting there, that was next. And then the LA Aviators, the San Diego Growlers, the San Francisco Flamethrowers and the San Jose Spiders for the American Ultimate Disk League teams. So…

JACK: The Flamethrowers?

DRE: I bet these minor league baseball teams [AUSTIN: (to JACK) Yeah.] and your lower tier soccer teams…

AUSTIN: Mhm. The Flamethrowers.

ART: Yeah, there must be just a metric ton of minor league baseball teams.

DRE: Yeah.

AUSTIN: One, two, three, four, five, six —

DRE: And probably, honestly, minor league soccer teams.

AUSTIN: — seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen minor league baseball teams.

ART: Best names. Give me the best—

KEITH: That's a lot.

ART: The best one.

JANINE: Are we still waiting on (ALI: Yeah, that's a lot.) ESports and stuff?

AUSTIN: I'm recording a backup and my real one now.

ALI: Okay.

JACK: Oh, should we clap now?

AUSTIN: Lancaster JetHawks.

KEITH: Be-Before we clap, I do— I have one. I left, but I remembered one GrubHub thing that's actually useful to say. Even if you order GrubHub and then go pick it up, they still get the twenty percent. Uh, so you know, you should order through the actual restaurant's website if you can.

AUSTIN: Orange County Novastars. That's a good one. The San Diego Sockers.

DRE: Hell yeah.

JACK: What did that say?

DRE: That's the best name.

AUSTIN: S-O— S-O-C-K-E-R-S. What do they play? Jack!

JACK: [laughs] Should we clap and start the podcast?

AUSTIN: Yeah, we should clap.

JANINE: We really should.

AUSTIN: Let's clap. Uh, five seconds?

JACK: Oh, no, I'm sorry, I biffed it.

[two groups of claps]

JACK: I'm sorry.

AUSTIN: Oh, okay. That's okay.

JACK: Sorry. I wasn't recording. Now I am.

AUSTIN: Rancho Cucamonga Quakes.

JACK: No! Clap at uh, twenty seconds.

DRE: This is your punishment, Jack.

AUSTIN: Uh-huh.

[mostly unified clap]

AUSTIN: Okay. I didn't do a great clap but it's fine. The Modesto SuperKats. Kats spelled with a K. Alright.

JANINE: People who are singing this song, what's happening?

[synth interlude: 0:34:48]

AUSTIN: And it is the end of autumn, or the end of uh… It is the end of that. It is the end of— of Meridian and we're moving into twilight.

ART: So it's time to start a new file.

AUSTIN: It sure is. Lets time.is.

ALI: Oh.

AUSTIN: And take a break— And take a break.

JANINE: Mmm.

DRE: Yeah.

AUSTIN: I'm going to draw the first card before we take the break but…

DRE: King.

AUSTIN: Or actually, no I'm not. Let's wait. Let's wait. 'Cause now I want to not lose the reaction so let's do a clap at ten seconds. Is that enough time?

JACK: Mhm.

ALI: Yeah.

[a clap with three layers]

AUSTIN: Okay.

KEITH: Tight clap.

AUSTIN: That was a good one. [ALI giggles] And stop.

[synth interlude: 0:35:35]

DRE: Is uh… It's like a foam spray insulation.

AUSTIN: I hate this.

JANINE: So wait, these are like… card. [AUSTIN: I'm going to start recording.] I was thinking of these as like, oh shit.

JACK: Oh god. What am I looking at?

AUSTIN: [singing] Clam pearls.

JACK: Oh. It looks like— Oh god, it looks like a toenail had its own ideas. [AUSTIN and KEITH laugh] It's bullshit! I hate this!

JANINE: Oh dear.

JACK: Oh…

JANINE: I was— I was reading these images as, you know when the pearl comes kinda like embedded in the meat a little bit sometimes?

AUSTIN: Yes, yes.

JANINE: I was looking at all of these, being like, oh this is just what the pearl looks like inside the meat. I—

AUSTIN: I think you may—

JACK: Mmm.

AUSTIN: That might be— I don't know. No?

KEITH: (cross) No, I think that they're—

JANINE: (cross) But are they just hard like this?

AUSTIN: I don't want to know.

JANINE: Because meat will be softer in her hands. [KEITH: Well…] It wouldn't stack up that high, it would kinda mellow out a bit.

AUSTIN: Right.

KEITH: They shape the pearl. They shape the pearl anyway, right? Like, they don't pull a pearl out of an oyster and pop it into a necklace, like they, you know, smooth it out, right?

JANINE: I get— Are those pearls— Are those clams or the oysters that you buy in cans, and then you open up the can and then you open up the pearl inside— Is that a scam? Do they like polish up a pearl and then put it in there?

AUSTIN: What are you talking about?

JANINE: You never got one of those?

AUSTIN: No…

JACK: I think—

JANINE: Ali, do you know what I'm talking about?

ALI: I think I know what you're talking about.

JANINE: (cross) So there's these—

KEITH: (cross) Can you describe these again?

JACK: (cross) Can you genetically modify them—

JANINE: You can— Okay, so there's a thing you can do. You can get them— They're often like souvenirs at like tourist places.

AUSTIN: Is this a wish pearl?

JANINE: I don't know.

ALI: Oh, yeah, I know what you mean.

JANINE: It's— But it's like you get a can and then you can open up the can and then there is like an oyster inside [AUSTIN: Yeah, got it.] and then you pop open the oyster and there's a pearl in there and you get to pull the pearl out yourself and then like, usually they'll sell it with a necklace that has a little cage pendant and you can pop the pearl in there.

JACK: Oh, I'm looking at this.

JANINE: Yeah.

JACK: It's basically a pearl in an oyster in a can.

KEITH: Oh hold on.

JANINE: Yeah is that just a scam though? I thought they just put the oyster in there.

KEITH: So I'm looking at— I'm looking at etsy and they're selling saltwater, bulk oysters with pearls for jewellery making.

AUSTIN: Yeah.

KEITH: For eight dollars.

AUSTIN: Uh.

JACK: Ah, here's the truth about wish pearls, and I'm going to read this and I'll let you know.

AUSTIN: Yeah, I'm on that same. Go ahead, please, please, please. Tell me what Ashley over at PurePearls.com has to say.

JANINE: Who died for it? I don't wanna know, do I?

JACK: [chuckles] "The pearls in a wish pearl oyster have already been harvested, no exceptions." The 'no' is bolded. "Process of pearl factory—" Sorry. "Processed at a pearl processing factory overseas, color-treated / dyed or not, I have seen some natural color lavender freshwater pearls pulled out of an an Akoya oyster wish pearl tin my friend purchased at a Sea World visit, LOL you never know what you're gonna get. And then reinserted back into a baby mollusk and placed in the wish pearl tin for buyers to open."

AUSTIN: Yes.

JACK: "The shells are submerged in a mix of rubbing alcohol and formaldehyde to keep the insides from decomposing while it waits for a buyer. My take on them: They're a fun gift idea or little tchotchke to pick up while you're on vacation as long as you know what you're buying."^[4] Okay.

KEITH: So—

JANINE: I didn't know that shit was formaldehyde, that's not great.

KEITH: So this—

ART: Gross.

KEITH: Yeah, don't try to eat that after, I guess. This etsy listing, first of all it says, "Faceted, No Carve, No Lab Created, No uh Ca-Cabochon No…" I don't know what that is…

AUSTIN: Cabochon… let's see. What's cabochon?

KEITH: And then, so it's a— it's a bunch of pearls, it's a bunch of oysters in a bag.

JANINE: I know what cabochon is…

KEITH: But the pearls are like—

AUSTIN: So it's polished but not faceted so it's not— it's a non-polished.

KEITH: They look like little marbles and they're just crazy colors. This one's red, these ones are blue. It's like, these didn't come out of these oysters.

JANINE: A cabochon is like a little— It's kinda like a flat backed charm that you can attach to something. If you look on etsy for cab— I feel like etsy is ninety-nine percent cabochons, or was a few years ago. Um…

[AUSTIN laughs]

KEITH: Look at this— Look at the pictures that they have here and like, you are trying to sell me a bill of goods and the only thing on that bill of goods is fake oyster pearls.

[laughter]

ALI: Are we all here?

AUSTIN: I think.

JACK: I've got some root bear.

AUSTIN: Hell yeah.

ALI: Is that everyone?

KEITH: I've got some strawberry fanta.

ART: I've got a cupcake.

AUSTIN: Hell yeah, also.

ALI: Okay, Art, what's your situation?

ART: Um, we should just— We should try to get through this as fast as possible.

ALI: [laughing] Okay.

KEITH: Yeah.

ART: Um.

AUSTIN: I'm going to clear the deck. I'm going to clear the uh… that's the wrong one. I pulled back the wrong one. We were in autumn before, right? I have to clear this.

ART: Yeah.

KEITH: Yeah.

AUSTIN: Let's recall that.

ART: And like, if absolute worst case scenario, I could go for a couple hours and come back and we could finish it up.

AUSTIN: Let's— No we couldn't. Uh, let's see where we're at at eight, and you have until nine, right.

ART: I have until nine.

AUSTIN: Let's see where we are at eight, and see if we feel one way or the other and we can make some hot gametime decisions.

KEITH: Okay, so…

AUSTIN: Uh… let's time.is.

ART: So we—

JACK: Oh yeah, we should start recording.

AUSTIN: Um…

JACK: I need to make a new Audacity file.

AUSTIN: Uh, I also have the power to just GM shit. I can peek at this deck right now and see where we're at and see where we're at. Uh…

KEITH: No.

JACK: No. Let's—

AUSTIN: Okay.

JACK: Let's rock and roll and then if we really— if we need that power, let's invoke that on a recording.

AUSTIN: Sounds good.

DRE: yeah.

AUSTIN: Alright.

KEITH: Clap at fifty-five?

AUSTIN: Yeah, sounds good.

[two-layered clap]

AUSTIN: All of our claps today have been very good in my ears.

KEITH: Yeah.

JANINE: Mmm.

AUSTIN: So, that's a good sign.

KEITH: Um…

[synth interlude: 0:41:00]

AUSTIN: So, alright. We all want to clap?

KEITH: Yeah.

JACK: Let's do it.

ART: Yeah.

ALI: Okay. Thirty-five.

JACK: I closed time.is like, a minute ago and I don't know why. Alright, here we go.

AUSTIN: Forty-five…

KEITH: Wait, I'm sorry, hold on, my thing said that the time was wrong, hold on.

DRE: Yeah, forty-five's fine.

KEITH: Forty-five? Okay yeah, I can do that.

[two-layered clap]

ALI: Another beautiful clap.

AUSTIN: Every clap today, unbelievable.

KEITH: It took us a couple years.

AUSTIN: We got there though, in my opinion.

ART: I just want to hear the Clapcast of all of these claps secretly being terrible.

AUSTIN: Yeah, uh-huh. Probably. Almost certainly.

ART: Great clap everyone, and just like…

SYLVIA: That's why I don't say anything afterwards.

AUSTIN: Uh-huh.

[synth interlude: 0:41:44]

JACK: It's a churro and…

JANINE: It's a cherpumple, made of pies.

JACK: Oh, I hate this.

DRE: It's a churro and a pumpkin, what else?

AUSTIN: No, it's not. It's not right. That's not what it is.

KEITH: It's a churro and a pimple.

[DRE yells]

JANINE: A— So you see—

AUSTIN: How do I remove someone from this podcast? [JANINE sighs, KEITH laughs] Do we have bylaws?

DRE: You're admin, you can uh…

JANINE: Oh my god.

AUSTIN: Yeah, add mods. Um…

[SYLVIA laughs]

JANINE: A cherpumple is like, you get an apple pie and a cherry pie and a pumpkin pie [DRE: Oh, okay.] and then you bake those pies into layer cakes so you bake the apple pie into like a spice cake and make a—

AUSTIN: This is hideous.

SYLVIA: Such an unappetizing name for that.

JANINE: There's like a white cake and like a vanilla cake and then you stack them all together and then it's—

AUSTIN: Just wait until you see it 'cause it's actually gross to look at.

JACK: [horrified] Oh!

JANINE: Yeah.

JACK: Oh, no. [DRE: Awful.] It doesn't help, I don't think, Austin, that the wikipedia image for this like a true cursed image. [laughter] It's like— It's like— It's got a fraternity logo on the top. It is…

AUSTIN: [laughing] That's not a fraternity logo.

SYLVIA: It's pi day!

AUSTIN: [laughing] That's pi.

DRE: Yeah, that's just the pi. [laughing] It's not a fraternity logo.

JANINE: That's a joke— They're making a joke 'cause there's pi.

KEITH: Oh wait but it could be— It also could be a fraternity logo.

DRE: I mean, yeah, there is like Beta Theta Pi and Pi Kappa Alpha…

AUSTIN: Yes, sure.

JACK: It looks—

JANINE: Sure.

AUSTIN: I like the little name tag in the back that presumably just says "Cherpumple" as if it's trying to [DRE: 'Hello, my name is Cherpumple.] meet and greet other pies, yeah.

KEITH: So the reason I don't like this is because I just want pie.

DRE: Yeah, what's the singular reason, Keith? [laughs]

KEITH: I just want the pie.

AUSTIN: Yeah.

JACK: Hang on, hang on, sorry. Sorry. Is it possible to take a photograph of this thing without it being a cursed image? Because there's also this one.

AUSTIN: I'm excited.

KEITH: That— This one does have the number one…

JACK: I posted it in the Twilight Mirage chat.

AUSTIN: Oh, okay.

DRE: You know, that…

JANINE: That one's a fucking condominium.

AUSTIN: That's a lot—

ALI: You could live there.

AUSTIN: Yeah, I can't afford that.

KEITH: The middle one looks angry.

SYLVIA: Yeah, that's a— that's a set piece from hereditary.

AUSTIN: Oh. [laughs, sighs]

KEITH: Dre, that one looks nice. That's not bad.

AUSTIN: That's an alright one, Dre.

JANINE: No, I don't like that one…

AUSTIN: I wouldn't eat it, but I'm not grossed by it.

KEITH: Here's the thing…

DRE: Uh… this one…

JANINE: Too wet, no.

AUSTIN: Ew.

KEITH: Ugh, I like any cake that looks like it's given up.

[DRE and AUSTIN laugh]

DRE: You like—

ART: You like the tv show, Nailed It?

JANINE: This—

SYLVIA: My problem with the top layer, the like, the cherry, that's what it is. Yeah, totally. That looks like a mouth to me. It looks like it's smiling at me.

AUSTIN: (goofy voice) 'Hi. Hey guys, it's me, Cherpumple.'

JANINE: It's like a mouth and it has a belly and the belly has been cut open.

JACK: No!

KEITH: The one that Jack—

SYLVIA: It's a gory pie.

KEITH: The last one that Jack posted because it's really like— The cake technically looks really well decorated.

JACK: [laughing] Yeah.

KEITH: And the inside, it doesn't look like they messed it up, but it does have the classic cursed image, really bright foreground, really dark background.

AUSTIN: That is cursed. That's the part that's cursed.

JANINE: Imagine… Imagine like—

AUSTIN: Look at this happy man who has a cherpumple.

JACK: Oh.

JANINE: Imagine thinking you just got a nice tall cake. Your friend just made you this really tall, really fantastic cake (JACK: [laughs] Wow Janine.) And then you cut into it and it throws up on you three times.

JACK: It's great because the only reaction I can think of to cutting open that cake would just be to go, "No!"

[laughter]

DRE: It's not on!

JANINE: How dare!

KEITH: Oh, I like this one?

SYLVIA: The process of cutting it, too, is really— it's very dramatic 'cause it's big, you've gotta kinda work your way through it so you cut through the first layer and like…

JANINE: You probably have to chill, right?

KEITH: Hey, like this one has like, alternating smiles and frowns.

ALI: Hi.

JACK: Oh, Ali.

AUSTIN: Ali, you sound good.

JACK: Yeah.

DRE: You sound much better, Ali.

KEITH: Yeah.

ALI: It's weird, when I go onto the settings, it's like, "Oh, you're not talking," (AUSTIN: No, you are.) but I'm speaking into the right microphone and…

JACK: You're picking up—

AUSTIN: You're still a little roomie but…

JACK: But you sound so much better.

AUSTIN: Yeah.

ALI: Okay.

AUSTIN: Are you close? Are you using your headphone mic or what are you using?

ALI: I'm using a headphone mic.

AUSTIN: Okay. That's fine then. That's fine. Uh, I really like this DIY Cherpumple which I like because it's separated from the terrible store bart— store bought cherpumple you're used to.

DRE: Store bart.

AUSTIN: Store bart. Store like bart.

JANINE: I really, really hate the one that Keith posted for a really specific reason.

DRE: Is it the bottom layer?

JANINE: It looks like when you—

AUSTIN: Uh-huh.

JANINE: It is the bottom layer.

AUSTIN: Uh-huh.

KEITH: Yeah.

JANINE: Which looks like when you go to Kanojo Toys and they show you the cross section —

AUSTIN: Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

JANINE: — of the toy.

AUSTIN: You know, [laughing] when you go to Kanojo Toys?

JACK: What is Kanojo Toys?

AUSTIN: Don't worry about it, you perfect being.

[JANINE and SYLVIA laugh]

JACK: I don't need to know, it's fine.

KEITH: Kanojo Toys offers the best selection (AUSTIN: Okay, here we go.) of Japanese sex toys for him and her. Masturbatos (DRE: Oh, okay.) Onaholes, Japanese sex dolls, vibrators, dildos, anal toys." It says, "used" something —

AUSTIN: Nope.

KEITH: And then it cuts off.

AUSTIN: Good.

ALI: No.

JANINE: Never.

KEITH: Used what?

ALI: Panties, probably.

JACK: We're learning a lot today.

KEITH: Used what?

AUSTIN: Used panties, that's actually it. That's actually— Ali has it.

KEITH: Okay.

DRE: Oh…

JANINE: That is— Yeah, yeah.

AUSTIN: Yeah.

ALI: That's 100% what it is.

AUSTIN: Yeah, uh-huh.

DRE: Yeah.

AUSTIN: It had to be. How could it not be. Alright, on that note.

JACK: What a great segue from cakes.

[laughter]

KEITH: There's— By the way, there are a few (???) that you can find.

{0:46:35}

AUSTIN: Thank you, Janine. Let's uh, do a clap.

JANINE: For what?

ALI: Oh, hold on.

AUSTIN: Uh, Ali, I feel like you might be— Maybe, oh, you know what I've just turned you up too high on my side.

ALI: Okay. This isn't going to be ideal. I'm like wondering if I should like grab his fucking— But then I would have to disman— No, I'm not going to…

JACK: If you have a—

JANINE: If you have a pillow or something you can lean on a wall…

AUSTIN: What type of— What type of input is it?

ALI: What do you mean?

AUSTIN: Does it have a USB input or does it just have an XR cable?

ALI: It does have a USB input but when I plugged it in, and was just like talking, the microphone was just hearing me.

AUSTIN: Oh.

JACK: Oh.

ALI: And I'm not going to fuck around with this dude's like whatever. I should text and be like, "Hey, I have a podcast."

AUSTIN: Can I use this microphone? No.

ALI: No.

AUSTIN: Here's what I'll say is, can you just talk at like room volume really quick?

ALI: Hello. Hi, hey.

AUSTIN: I think that that's probably fine.

ALI: Okay.

AUSTIN: It gets— I mean—

KEITH: I think that that's probably fine.

AUSTIN: Yeah, you can see your own waveform so you know what these are supposed to look like, so…

ALI: Yeah. Yeah.

AUSTIN: Okay. Are we ready to time.is?

ALI: Uh-huh.

JACK: Mhm.

DRE: Indeed.

KEITH: Oh, I should op— I need to open it.

AUSTIN: Yup. [ALI sneezes] Bless you.

KEITH: Alright, just give me a— alright I'm good.

AUSTIN: Alright, fifty-five.

[a three-layered clap followed by a second clap]

JACK: I wasn't feeling that.

AUSTIN: Less good than yesterday's [JANINE laughs] but it's the end of the day.

JACK: Can we do it again?

AUSTIN: Let's do one more. Let's do one more. I want to go out on a bang, so ten?

[one clap followed by a second clap]

AUSTIN: God, it was so close.

KEITH: Wow. Someone really threw that one off.

AUSTIN: It was so close to being amazing.

JACK: That was me, I think. I think I threw—

AUSTIN: No, that was Ali.

AUSTIN: Oh honey.

ALI: It was absolutely me.

KEITH: Sorry, Jack was counting the vitamins again.

[laughter]

AUSTIN: Are we good Ali? Do you want one more or are we good?

ALI: No, no. I'm good.

AUSTIN: Okay. Are we ready to pick back up? Are we ready to do this thing?

ALI: Mmm.

KEITH: I'm yeah, I'm ready, yeah.

AUSTIN: Okay. Everyone's putting fucking hashtags in the chat. I can't believe that's what you're doing right now. So that's the end of midnight. How are you all feeling?

KEITH: I'm good the Space Cops don't have the minority report machine anymore.

AUSTIN: They don't.

JANINE: I just want to point out, we finished midnight at twelve AM on the dot Eastern.

AUSTIN: Literally on the dot.

KEITH: That's true, yeah.

DRE: It is.

JANINE: Yeah.

[synth interlude: 0:48:48]

AUSTIN: Yes. Sylvia, yes in the chat. If we're invoking Mission: Impossible, you can in fact steal the arm reload thing that Henry Cavill did for Echo.

ALI: Same.

SYLVIA: Alright.

AUSTIN: Yo, that movie was really good, by the way.

ALI: Yes.

JACK: Really excited.

AUSTIN: I really fucking enjoyed it.

ART: That's a scene, I don't know man. We can't begin to ruin the whole store here.

{0:49:04}

KEITH: Now, I have— I haven't seen the last couple. Am I going to be confused?

AUSTIN: Are you sure? 'Cause I thought I hadn't and then I checked and I absolutely had.

KEITH: So I've definitely seen Ghost Protocol, I think.

AUSTIN: Uh-huh. Yeah.

ALI: Okay, then you'll be fine.

KEITH: That's the most—

SYLVIA: That's the most recent one, right?

DRE: That's the most recent one.

KEITH: Oh is it?

ALI: Yeah.

AUSTIN: No.

ALI: There's also— So I haven't seen any of the movies and there's a very helpful eight minute like, refresher that you can watch in a Starbucks across…

[laughter]

KEITH: Okay, so I have seen— I have seen Ghost Protocol but not Rogue Nation.

AUSTIN: Right. You're fine.

ART: Nothing important happens in literally any of these movies.

AUSTIN: This one has some callbacks stuff, but they do a good enough job of setting it up.

KEITH: For the fans.

ALI: Yeah.

AUSTIN: For the true—

KEITH: Just for the—

AUSTIN: Actually, there is a Mission Impossible 1 callback that's wild. That's like really fucking cool in it that references…

DRE: Ooh.

KEITH: The first couple Mission: Impossible movies are really cool 'cause they're like, not really even action movies.

AUSTIN: The second one is 'cause the second one is John Woo.

KEITH: Oh yeah. Oh…

ART: The second Mission: Impossible movie is a 100% terrible action movie.

KEITH: Is it just the first one that's just a spy movie?

AUSTIN: One is fucking— One is so good. Alright, we can't do this.

KEITH: It's a great movie.

JACK: Feel like we're on a midtrack.

KEITH: Mission Impossible one—

AUSTIN: We should do— We should do— [whispering] We should do Mission: Impossible Bluff City. Oh my god.

DRE: Uh-huh.

JACK: Alright, back on track here we go.

DRE: Yup.

AUSTIN: Okay.

[synth interlude: 0:50:18]

JACK: Hang on.

AUSTIN: Uh-huh?

JACK: Ali. Can you just run me through what you're about to do real quick?

ART: For posterity, just— just sum up.

JACK: Yeah, like, like, like, please sum up your position in a slogan. [laughter] Ali?

AUSTIN: She became part of the internet, just like that.

KEITH: Yeah. She's gone.

ART: Wow. That's…

KEITH: This wasn't just a game.

JACK: Goodbye, Ali.

AUSTIN: A-ali?

SYLVIA: She's connected still, we just can't —

DRE: Yeah.

SYLVIA: — hear her, so…

JACK: She'll be able to edit so fast.

AUSTIN: Uh-huh. [laughs]

[DRE laughs]

AUSTIN: Ali?

KEITH: Maybe she's just really method.

AUSTIN: Could be.

JACK: Goodbye Tender.

KEITH: Can somebod— I mean we don't have— The problem, we don't have the Splice.

ART: If— If Audacity is still working, Ali, you can just say your thing and we'll all react.

[AUSTIN gasps with surprise]

ART: And then you'll—

AUSTIN: (thoughtful) Hmm.

KEITH: You'll have to do a couple different reactions. Can we do like a one of understanding?

AUSTIN: Ah.

JANINE: Ah.

DRE: Ah.

KEITH: Yeah.

JACK: Hi.

AUSTIN: Hey Ali.

JACK: Wait, did Ali come back?

AUSTIN: No.

KEITH: No.

ALI: Hi.

AUSTIN: Oh, there you are.

JACK: Oh.

DRE: Oh…

JANINE: Hi.

AUSTIN: How was your time in the Sp—

ALI: This laptop just fucking died.

AUSTIN: No.

JACK: Oh no.

ART: I guess Ali.

ALI: I'm good. It was still recording when it went down so…

AUSTIN: Okay. Okay. Okay.

ALI: Deal with that in three weeks.

AUSTIN: Okay.

KEITH: We should do a clap just in case it was— it kept recording but froze and locked.

AUSTIN: It de— A hundred percent, let's do that really quick.

ALI: Okay, yeah.

KEITH: Oh, nope, don't want to search.

ALI: And now I have to stand in this kitchen, hell yeah.

AUSTIN: Were you—

JACK: Ali, you'd be pleased to know that we made about as many Ali has joined the Splice jokes as we could.

[AUSTIN and ALI laugh]

AUSTIN: Uh, what seconds are we doing?

JACK: Fifty?

ART: Fifty?

AUSTIN: Fifty.

ALI: Yeah.

[two close claps]

AUSTIN: Yo. That was incredible.

ALI: No. No.

KEITH: Great. Clap. Good ass clap.

AUSTIN: What a good clap that was.

ALI: Oh, was it?

KEITH: It sounded good to me.

JANINE: Wait, sorry. Who all needed to clap there, I didn't clap.

AUSTIN: Okay.

ALI: Okay, that's fine.

JANINE: Oh, okay. I assumed just 'cause it's for Ali.

ART: Oh, well then I—

KEITH: Yeah, no Janine's is fine.

ALI: Yeah, no.

AUSTIN: Janine's fine.

KEITH: Yeah.

JANINE: Okay, okay. Just double checked.

AUSTIN: So did you hear Jack's question before your computer died?

ALI: No.

AUSTIN: Jack do you want to restate the question?

[synth interlude: 0:52:33]

AUSTIN: Um, I'm not going to repair Gumption. This is a whole fucking thing. This is hard to do.

KEITH: Like you mean physically on the map.

AUSTIN: On the map, yes. It—

KEITH: I think you could get it.

AUSTIN: The face is hard.

DRE: You're doing real good.

AUSTIN: Ope, that's—

SYLVIA: You're doing a good job.

AUSTIN: Mmm. I was.

KEITH: The hands are a little crooked.

DRE: Oh boy!

SYLVIA: Got a watering can in there?

KEITH: Oh yeah, that's a little. Oh, that looks great.

AUSTIN: Can I just straighten the— Oh.

JANINE: Was that it's original arm?

KEITH: Oh that looks so good!

JANINE: Was that the original Gumption arm or is that a different part?

AUSTIN: That's all the original parts.

JANINE: Okay.

AUSTIN: Mmm. Mmm. Okay.

ALI: Maybe it still works.

KEITH: Yeah, can you not tell that that's an arm?

JANINE: It just seems like one of those [laughing] extra strong arms. [KEITH laughs] It just— Not quite as strong as the other one.

KEITH: Yeah, you know when you have like one real good arm?

AUSTIN: Yeah.

JANINE: Yeah.

ALI: Yeah, I've seen what they do in the water.

SYLVIA: (excited) I was about to say that!

[AUSTIN laughs]

ALI: [giggles] High five Sylvia.

AUSTIN: Oh my god. I can't seem to get—And this is not a bit—the smile back. In fact, here, that looks right.

SYLVIA: Mood, Austin.

AUSTIN: There you go.

[synth interlude: 0:53:40]

AUSTIN: We are here. We are in the Twilight Mirage. There is nowhere like this. And it is beautiful and terrifying and overwhelming and there is too much of it. But it is ours, and we are its. And that is the Twilight Mirage. Whoo, time.is, we did it.

ALI: Jesus Christ.

KEITH: Welcome to the eighteen hour finale.

[AUSTIN laughs]

ART: (cross) I mean. We recorded twenty-one hours.

JANINE: (cross) I have a question about Gooey Gus.

KEITH: Yeah, what's your question about Gooey Gus?

JANINE: Is Gooey Gus an ahegao?

AUSTIN: Oh my god, I hate you.

KEITH: What is that?

ALI: We're clapping.

AUSTIN: Don't— No. We're clapping right now.

ALI: We're clapping at thirty-five.

AUSTIN: Thirty-five seconds.

[three sets of claps]

AUSTIN: Damn good clap.

[MUSIC: Outro]