[The following is a nonprofit, fanbased parody.
Harry Potter and all associated characters were created by J. K. Rowling.
Monster Musume (Kala’s home continuum) is owned by Inui Takemaru, AKA Okayado.
The fic, Harry Potter and the Sword of Souls, belongs to BestFanfictions 2015 on Archive of our Own, who can bloody well keep it. The fic is NSFW, by the way.
Valon Vance and Kala Jeng are mine.
Beta readers: Firemagic, SkarmorySilver
Enjoy!]
“... and there’s your new console! You have no idea how hard it was to make a console sturdy enough for Miss Scorpion over here. I’ve also replaced the C-CAD that you broke on your last mission, so I hope you’re thankful.”
After several hours of griping and tinkering, Makes-Things left RC 211, having rebuilt the console and made a new C-CAD for Valon. Kala gave the console an experimental smack; her fist bounced off, but the console was unharmed. Clearly, the new console had more nerve than the last one, and did not appreciate being abused.
[ZEEN! ZEEN! ZEEN! ZEEN! ZEEN!]
Valon rushed over and slammed the acknowledge button. “Well, at least we still have our Psycho alert… let’s see…” He read the report and sighed. “Welp, this was bound to happen sooner or later. We’re going back to the Potterverse, and… uh.” His eyes went wide. “We don’t have Muggle-Use Wands, and no idea where to get them. This is going to suck.”
Kala shrugged. “We still have weapons, don’t we? So long as we can sneak up on them, we should be fine.”
Valon programmed disguises and a portal before replying, “Here’s hoping…”
- Harry potter and the sword of souls -
'Heyyyyy Harryyyyyyy' roneld came running in
'what is it ron' reply hary. roneld says 'Hary doombledoor wants to see you in his offic!'
'bloody hell' replys hary to ron.
Kala looked to her partner to see how he was taking this atrocious spelling. She was not expecting to see him covered in gigantic spiders. “Valon, are you okay?”
“I’m fine; these are mini-Aragogs. Looks like we’ve got Harryyyyyyy, roneld, hary and doombledoor. How anybody screws up Dumbledore’s name that badly, I’ve no clue. Also, charge for making Harry talk like Ron; saying ‘bloody’ is his thing.”
'i will go right now' replys harry.. haery stands up and moves towards the door in one swift movment he also grab the wand on the way out.
hary then gets to perfesser doombledoors office.
he open the door.
'what is it doombledoor!!'
doombledoor turn around fastly
'harry! im not the real doombledoor!'
Two more mini-Aragogs clambered onto Valon’s legs while this happened. “Uh… what?”
“I think we’ll be saying that a lot on this mission.”
Harryyyyyyy nodded in agreement. “Yes, we wills, agentses,” it hissed.
he pull out wand.
he fire spell!
harry scared he run! harry also fire spell exppellarmus he yell v ery loud. it miss and hit the wall. the wall is hyrt.
Valon sighed. “The prose is beige. The spelling’s bad. The wall said ‘ouch,’ make ‘wall sensitive to pain’ a charge. The mini-Aragogs grow more numerous. Not to tempt the Ironic Overpower, but can things get any worse?”
'no!!!!!' doombledoor yell back still firing his wand. harry looks into doomblesdoors eyes. 'who are youuuuu!'
'harry!!!! i am volydermort!'
'no!' harry yell
Kala looked down at the mini-Aragog currently worrying at her foot. “Look, I’m no arachnophobe—I’m a scorpion, we’re kinda better than spiders in every way–OW!” She yanked her leg back as volydermort bit her leg. “Okay, I’m sorry, spiders are cool! But anyway, maybe it’d be better to just keep your mouth shut in the face of the Ironic Overpower. Knowing what we’ve been through over the past few missions, it’ll probably react to anything we say at all.”
volydermort (who is still dress of doombledoor) fire another spepl 'abracadabara!!' oh no it is the spell which kill people
If the agents hadn’t yet learned that bad writing causes strange things to happen, they certainly did at that moment. The fake Dumbledore suddenly transfigured into Voldemort in a dress labeled “doombledoor.” Instead of a flash of green light, his wand fired out a top hat that shot out a rabbit and a flock of doves.
This prompted yet another “Uh… what?” from Valon.
harry doge 'that was close' reply. Volydermort is bold. bun then suddely out of no where comes HARYS PERENETS!!!
'MOM!!!!! DAD!!!!! YOUR ALIVE??'
'yeh hary we are'
'ohshit' reply volydermort
Harry suddenly turned into a Shiba Inu for a moment, but the real surprise was Lily and James Potter appearing out of nowhere.
Valon frantically pointed his C-CAD at each character in turn.
[Harry Potter. Titular character, male wizard. Canon. OOC ∆2 x 3% and rising. I don’t know what that means either.]
[Tom Marvolo Riddle. Wizard Hitler, male Horcrux construct. Canon. OOC 14%. WTF is he doing in a dress!?]
[Lily and James Potter. Deeeaaaaaad parents. Female and male wizard. Fanfic constructs. Non-canon. Murder their faces in.]
Valon stowed the device. “Well, we’ve learned one thing from this.”
“That our equipment has an attitude?”
“... okay, two things. First, sarcastic equipment. Second, our targets. Lily and James should not be alive in any form, so we should probably get rid of them. Also, Voldemort does not curse. I mean, he doesn’t say curse words… Oh, to hell with it, just charge for incorrect speech patterns.”
harys dad takes harys hand 'no homo' he whispers in his ear. and then they fly away.
TO BE CONTINUE
“And man, do we wish it didn’t…” Valon opened a portal to the next chapter, which opened with Harry waking up.
Kala gave him a look that practically screamed, “What did I tell you?!”
he dad was standing there. harry look up 'dad wat you doing' he say to the dad.
'harry come closer' harry dad say harry comes closer
harry dad kiss harry on the lips very hard.
Valon swiveled around as quickly as his anatomy would allow him. “Nope, nope, do not want, absolutely not! Parental incest is ick to the eleventh power. Charge please, don’t wanna look.”
harry blushes. harry looks up harry say 'dad what r u doin?'
' i love u so muchly' say harry dad
harry mom comes into room. harry dad quikly pull away
'lets go sweety, says harrys mom'
Valon checked the Words and recoiled. “Oh, Lord… this is not our beat.”
Kala looked at him strangely. “What? What’s wrong with it?”
Valon looked rather frightened. “This is Bad Slash. That is something I don’t have any knowledge in, nor do I particularly want to because James/Harry is just no no no no no!”
'how are we going to kill voldyermorty?' saying harry 'we need to get the sword of souls' says harrys mom
'ok' says harry
they leave to get the sword
“And we have our MacGuffin. A Mysterious Wall Chicken says that it’s forgotten in exchange for creepy incest.”
“No bet.” Kala looked disgusted as the chapter ended.
The third chapter began… and since it started with James groping his son’s behind, Kala swiftly decided to portal ahead. She didn’t quite get far enough, though, and they still had to bear witness to the final moments.
Valon looked rather green as the incestuous and incredibly beige lemon ended. “I… I need an adult…”
“I’m an adult. You’re an adult.”
“Don’t care. Still need one.”
lidney comes back in and says 'i fOUND IT!!!!!!'
'where is it' reply harry
'its stuck inside the lava piyt!!'
Valon rallied as the third chapter ended. “Okay, we’re dealing with replacements, at least with James and Lily. Harry seems to just be possessed; he worshipped his father, so while this is way, way out of character, it’s still just that half a nanometer short of a character replacement.” Valon paused. “We seem to be dealing with a lot of replacements, come to think of it…”
Chapter Four started while he was lost in thought. Apparently, the “sword of souls” was buried within a lava pit, and the three Potters were wondering how to get to it.
comes DOBEY THE KITCHEN ELF! ' i will get it becus u gave me tht slimey sock k'
dobey jump in. he get sword. he give it to harry
but then
DOBEY TURNS INTO VOLDEYMERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Valon’s jaw hung open for a moment, then threw his hands up in the air. “I give up! Voldemort was never shown to have shapeshifting powers in canon!”
'WHAT THE FUCK" SAYS HARRY DAD HE LOOK SCARED
but then harry stab the dobbey look alike and he die. but voleymord didnt actually die
it was a trick!
Valon stared at the rapidly growing swarm of mini-Aragogs behind him. “You keeping up with this? I’m not. Although… this many minis, I wonder, I wonder…”
harry was rly sccared becus voldyermort tried to kill hIM AND HIS PERENTS AGAIN LIKE HE HAS SOME SORT
OF GRUDGE AGAINST WHAT EVEN IS HIS PROBLEM WHY DOES HE HAVE TO BE SO MEAN IM GONNA SPIT ON HIM.
Valon looked up as Spit From the Heavens™ fell on some distant location.
“WHO DARES!?”
Valon nodded. “Okay, the real Riddle’s somewhere over there. This author, man, real mature there…”
harry look to dad then rub his willy. lindley look at them. ' hot' 'i ship it ;))' harry and harry dad make out fastly.
hot.
dobbey was dead and it made everyone sad, except Lindely who had necrophillia
At this final assault to his mind’s eye, Valon could take no more. He turned around and threw up, violently and loudly. The noise, unfortunately, was enough to get the attention of the Potters, who immediately locked on Valon and Kala.
“OkaHLORF! Okay then, let’s jusBLAARGH! Oh, great two-faced Nethys, make it stoHOOLEFFH!”
Kala took over from her incapacitated partner, who had scribbled down as many charges in their notepad as he could. “Lily and James Potter, you are hereby charged with the following. Replacing the canon characters of Lily and James Potter, being Lily and James when they should be dead, inserting… insecting… Gods, Valon, your handwriting’s awful… incest-ing it with your own son, using incredibly beige prose, making a wall sensitive to pain, creating more mini-Aragogs than I can immediately count, misspelling Voldemort’s signature spell, and thus causing him to shoot out a crappy magic act, creating a sword that you don’t even do anything with, planning to do an unwarned Pokémon crossover flooded with Japanese, killing Dobby, having a chapter with only two words, with being a necrophile, and finally, I charge you with making my partner throw up. You two are hereby sentenced to die.”
Valon stopped reversing his digestive tract long enough to point at the replacements and say two words.
“Zerg Rush.”
Eighteen mini-Aragogs surged toward the fake Potter parents. Their screams didn’t last very long, as the swarm devoured them. Valon turned to Harry as he ran out of bile, and pulled out a copy of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.
“Okay, Hahoof, Harry. Good lord, I’d be happy with the power to stab out my mind’s eye right now… anyway, this is for your own good.”
Kala watched in bemusement as Valon began smacking Harry upside the head with the book. She was decidedly more startled when Valon’s voice suddenly changed. Clearly, Valon would do very well in a death metal band.
“In the name of Joanne Rowling, I cast thee out! In the name of canon, I cast thee out! Avaunt, avaunt! Begone from this vessel, Sue, and do not return! Avaunt!”
As Valon continued to roar at Harry, a sparkly pink mist emerged from Harry’s mouth and nose. The mist solidified into a monstrous shape resembling a nude James Potter. An anatomically correct nude James Potter.
“Oh, gods, my eyes!” Valon held the book up to his face.
“whathe fuk you want I sad no hating or I delte accont”
“GET. OUT.”
Valon hurled the book at the wraith, which instantly dissipated without much more of a fuss. Harry’s look of confusion turned to horror as he remembered the events of the fic. Valon sighed as he opened the second portal to FicPsych in as many days. He shouted into the portal as he shepherded Harry through it: “Oi! I know I was just here yesterday, but Harry here was forced into a slashfic with his dad. Yes, his dad. No, I don’t wanna talk about it.” He closed the portal and turned to Kala. “Right, all that’s left is to neuralyze Voldemort, get Dobby to Medical and get outta here.”
“What about the minis? We are not keeping a swarm of spiders in our RC!”
“Oh, right. Off to the HFA with you!” He opened a portal, and the mini-Aragogs swarmed through. Valon grabbed the last one before it could cross. “Hello! What’s your name, little guy?”
“Our names is harys!”
“Okay, harys, you’re coming with us.”
—
Back in the RC of Terror, Valon tried to clear his head from the horrors of what he’d just seen. Specifically, he had taken to playing one of the numerous video games he’d kept around the RC, and was now trying to clear a stage without taking damage. He’d already restarted five times, and sadly, it didn’t really help his mental state that much.
“Valon?” asked Kala. “I know you like minis and all, but… do I really have to do this?”
He looked over his shoulder. The girtablilu’s back was currently covered by the five minis living in RC 211, all of whom looked very excited about the ride.
Valon was certainly happy to forget about his very bad day, if only for a moment. “D’aww, you look like a mama scorpion with her babies!”
“Just shut up,” his partner grumbled.
And for the rest of the evening, the only sounds coming from the RC were from Valon’s game and the clamoring minis. “Faster,” cried harys, “we wantses to go faster!”
[Voyd’s notes: Yeah. I don’t know what else to say about this one. It was gross, beige, and incredibly weird.
As for why nothing in this resembles the standard procedure for trollfics… well, Valon and Kala didn’t know that. They don’t even know what a Badfic Troll is, as shown at the end there. They thought it was just an oddly shaped Sue-wraith, not a unique creature.]