I have avoided talking about any aspects of me and Jay’s relationship for over a year. I never spoke about it mostly because this is horrifying and also because i’ve seen the way women in our community are treated when they try to talk about being hurt by prominent figures. I know he will use his platform and his fame to try and take me down and say this isn’t true because that’s who he is. I’m still scared of him even after all this time so I know this will be hard.

I want to open by addressing things he’s said about me after our breakup and talk about the things he’s going to try and say about me when he reads this.

Not once over the course of our 9 month relationship did I tell him that if he broke up with me I would kill myself. I’m an adult and I know the damage and pressure that puts on a person. I know he has told multiple people I said that but the reality is; I broke up with him because he was ignoring me and because one night when I asked him not to ignore me all day, he laughed at me. This came after months of up and down and fighting. It took an absolutely incredible amount of courage and I still now am proud of myself for doing it. He told people he felt trapped by my mental health and so he left, and while he might have felt trapped, and I’m truly sorry for that, that is not why we broke up. I have the break up text, a roommate sat with me and held my hand while I called him on speaker to break up with him. It was not his choice, it was mine.

After the fact I did want to get back together just because I was a bit dependent on him and I wasn’t sure I wanted to be alone. We fought a few more times and then he blocked me when I made a tiktok making a joke about him dating a girl who was underage, his current girlfriend. It was not intended as malicious whatsoever, and was not in any way shape or form an insult to his girlfriend, but I understand she took it that way and for that I’m sorry.

I have a feeling he’ll try and say that he was just trying to help me and try to blame all of this on my mental health. I am not crazy. As much as he’s tried to convince people I am so that if I ever tried to talk about this, I am not. I struggled with mental health issues but I am not delusional. I was depressed. If anything it just made me more susceptible to his mistreatment because I was scared I would be alone if I wasn’t the perfect, obedient girlfriend. I also don’t believe I deserved what he did to me even if I was as crazy as he makes me out to be. There’s no excuse for his treatment.

We continued talking after our break up for a while and I wasn’t ready to move on or acknowledge the hurt he caused. It took me time and consistent therapy to be able to identify the fact that he was abusive and that the way he treated me wasn’t my fault. I know I said things after we broke up that made it seem like he wasn’t cruel. The thing is, he started being cruel early in our relationship and I stayed with him out of fear of being alone, so my continuing to speak to him after our relationship ended was just a continuation of that fear. I thought no one would ever love me again.

But this isn’t what I wanted to talk about. Just clearing the air about these things that I know he’ll try to say and use against me because he’s already used them to make me afraid to talk about it.

What I want to talk about is the sexual abuse that was prevalent throughout most of our relationship. I never wanted to speak about this and I still have extreme trauma relating to this topic, but I’m incredibly tired of keeping this secret for him.

Warning here for NSFW context and stories of sexual assault.

When I started dating Jay I got an IUD because he refused to use a condom. The first time we ever slept together I told him I wasn’t on birth control and he could not finish in me. He did it anyways, without my consent. This should have been the first red flag but I was a stupid Overwatch League fan excited about the fact that Sinatraa was interested in me and looked past it.

The IUD made it so that sex was very painful for me. Jay knew this and didn’t care. I would say it hurt and I wanted to stop and he’d say “No, no, I’m so close”. As much as it hurt I learned that he didn’t mind hurting me and had no problem with leaving me crying in the bathroom while he slept. Sometimes if I said it hurt early on he’d stop, but most of the time it wasn’t a big concern for him that he was hurting me very badly. And if he stopped it wouldn’t be without a guilt trip. I went to the doctor for this to try and solve it because I knew he wasn’t going to just magically stop anytime soon. He knew it hurt badly enough for me to go to the doctor and still disregarded my pain. He can’t try and say that he just didn’t know. He knew.

Outside of just that I also learned that saying no to sex was not an option for me whatsoever. If he tried to start something and I said I didn’t want to, he would pout and say it was because I thought he was ugly, I wanted someone else, I didn’t love him. He’d say anything that would make me feel guilty. He would throw a fit. I started to learn I needed to give an excuse, “I don’t want to right now” or “it hurts me” was not good enough. So I’d say I had a headache, my stomach hurt, I was too tired, anything so I didn’t have to. I never got away with saying “No” without a guilt trip. Sometimes he’d pretend to be okay with my excuses but then he’d ask just for me to kiss him and I’d say okay and then he just did more and more until we had sex anyways . I’d try and say no again and he’d just push himself on me anyways.

Eventually, I would rather just say yes and lay there until he was done than fight him on the no. I remember one day we were watching videos of this Japanese youtube channel of a man making knives out of random stuff in my bed while at my apartment. He wanted to have sex, I didn’t have an excuse for why I didn’t want to at the time, so I just let it happen and laid there and stared at the ceiling with him on top of me, his weight crushing my chest. I think about staring up at that ceiling everyday.

I want to be clear that while towards the end I did just let him do what he wanted and wait until it was done and sit in the shower in pain; I started off saying “No”. “No” was said countless times and ignored. It just wasn’t worth the fight after a while when it was obvious stopping wasn’t possible. I knew if I really physically fought him on it he’d leave me. And as easy as it is from outside of a relationship to say, “If he was sexually assaulting you, why wouldn’t you just break up with him?”, it’s never that easy in actuality. It was like my mind just glossed over it in effort to pretend like it wasn’t happening. He used to love bomb me all the time and I just wanted someone to care about me, so I blocked it out. It’s just that over time it’s become increasingly apparent that I didn’t block it out well enough because the memories keep popping back up and torturing me even when I try to pretend it didn’t happen.

There’s a few recordings of us having sex, the recording being consensual. At the end of one of these recordings I get off of him and you can hear me say I don’t want to have sex anymore five times in 15 seconds. He laughs at me and says he’s close and tells me to stop saying no. I’m talking in a baby voice because that’s how I used to talk to him, but let me be clear: I was saying no. I meant no. My tone of voice does not make the fact that I said no five times, not mean no. The video ends with him moving towards me.

We did not stop having sex after that video. We stopped when he was done.

I’ll attach the audio of the video, but if you’re a survivor of sexual assault I’d advise you not to listen to it.

I do not want anyone to have any chance to say that the only proof I have is that I’m saying he did it, like the community does to all the girls who don’t have a video like I do.

 I’m sure you can recognize his voice.

Clip of the audio from the video.

This is one clip of audio from a conversation and situation that happened countless times. Countless. It’s just the only one I have proof of. In the video itself, which obviously I will not be showing anyone, he is physically moving me to get me to still have sex with him while I’m saying no. When I say “I don’t wanna” I get out of his hold on me and move away.

If you don’t want to listen to it I completely understand.

Transcript:

Me: “I’m tired.”

Jay: “No. More.”

Me: “Nuh uh.”

Jay: “I’m close.”

Me: “No.”

Jay: “I’m close.”

Me: “No!... I don’t wanna.”

Jay: “Stop stop stop st..”

I should have fought him more. I should have physically pushed him. But he was my boyfriend. I loved him. I knew if I stood up for myself he’d leave me so I didn’t fight hard enough.

I also want to talk a bit about the emotional abuse I faced at his hands. I’m going to attach a few screenshots of texts, but there’s plenty that didn’t happen over text. He learned that he would yell at me and I would apologize even if I wasn’t in the wrong and he used that pretty frequently. If I ever wanted to bring up something I thought he was doing wrong he would turn it around and make it something I was doing wrong and make me apologize for even suggesting he was doing anything incorrectly. I just learned not to say he was doing anything wrong, just easier than arguing with a narcissist. I’m only including a few screenshots. If I included everything this document would be 15 pages long.

He used to check my location to see where I was, which was fine, but sometimes it would glitch and he’d instantly accuse me of cheating. This isn’t even the first time this happened. He will probably try to say he was joking here and in the messages above, but he was not joking. If I didn’t play his game he would get more and more upset. The other time it happened he wanted to break up because my location wasn’t at my house while I was taking a nap after work. He said I was lying and said I was cheating. He was so insecure that he would push me into a corner and make me beg him not to break up with me, send him paragraphs about how much I loved him etc., until he randomly decided to believe me after making me beg until he was satisfied.

For reference I made a tweet after the first map of Shocks loss to Outlaws that read, “Good for Outlaws for learning how to not play goats”. It’s since been deleted due to the above. I told him I needed him because my friends and I had been fighting and in making the tweet about the Outlaws I was trying to appeal to them. They were still mad at me and he was also then angry with me and that was upsetting to me.

Proof that I have been scared of him since long before our relationship ended and I’m not just disgruntled because we broke up.

These are a few days before we broke up and I was talking to one of his friends about how he treats me. The friend acknowledges the fact that Jay turns all my complaints around and makes them my fault because Jay refuses to back down even if he’s not in the right. This isn’t incriminating. I'm just showing that I’m not the only person who knows that he can’t take criticism and I’m not lying about his character, as it is acknowledged by his close friends as well.

I lived in constant fear that he would find something to be mad about and I’d have to play his game of begging him not to leave. He cried and called me a liar and fought me and wanted to break up with me for having casual conversation with one of his friends while we were at an event. Countless small things that I had such a hard time navigating. It was like he was weaving me through hoops and testing me constantly and I’d fail the tests all the time.

In the past year he’s also allowed his girlfriend to spread multiple lies about me like saying I make twitch accounts to make hateful comments in her stream, make reddit accounts to make fun of her, make fake twitters etc. I’d never do this. I’m worried about her, I don’t hate her. If he treats her anything like he treated me I’m genuinely quite worried for her. I don’t blame her for what she has said whatsoever. She believes her boyfriend and there’s nothing wrong with that, I used to believe him about everything too.

I genuinely do not have it out for her and I was really confused as to why she thought I did. I would’ve shown her proof of why I didn’t like Jay from the beginning, but she called me crazy and said I had a victim complex. Jay made me out to be this awful person to her and other acquaintances so they’d think I was a monster. He made her believe that I had malicious intentions so that if I tried to talk about the mistreatment I faced at his hands she would think I was crazy just like he’d made her think. I know she won’t believe this still, and that’s okay. I truly hope he treats her better than he treated me. I have no need to make assumptions about the way he treats her even though she did the same about me and my current relationship and then shared it on tiktok. She thinks I hate her because I made one tiktok, joking about Jay's role in their relationship. She’s made multiple tweets, tiktoks, talked about me on stream etc., but I don’t feel the need to lash out at her whatsoever. I hope that helps her see that I understand her and don’t want any bad for her.

I know she’ll try and stand up for him and say this isn’t true, but it’s not up to her to make that statement. She didn’t know him then and she doesn’t know me outside of the statements made by someone trying to paint me as insane. He’s fantastic at making himself the victim in situations where he was not that whatsoever. He’s an incredible actor. She’ll never know the man he was with me. And she doesn’t understand that I will live with the pain from it for the rest of my life. The amount of lies he has told about me are innumerable. I didn’t want to stand up for myself until now and just kept that secret for him. I allowed him to make people believe these things about me because I was way too scared to fight back.

I just know he’s going to play the “I was a caring loving boyfriend and she was a delusional crazy girl who I tried to help” card. This is simply untrue and I wasn’t crazy and I’m still not now. I don’t know how many times I’ve said this in this document and I equally don’t know how many times I had to say it to myself after hearing the things he’s said about me over the past year. Incredible how someone can continue to abuse and manipulate someone else even after the relationship ends.

He’s never apologized for anything he’s done to me, I don’t think he even acknowledges that he’s done anything wrong. I guess he thought I just deserved the way he treated me. I guess he thought it was okay to make it so that “No” was never an option when it came to him. The way he treated me and the way he spoke to me lives in my head everyday, even a year after our break up.

So Jay might treat his new girlfriend differently, but what he did to me will never, ever change.

It might be a year later but I’m still dealing with the damage he did to me every single day. I’ve had to give up interests and loves in an attempt to not see his face or hear his voice. I’ve called sexual assault survivor hotlines countless times. Talked in anonymous groups for women who’ve been assaulted. Spent over a year of my life in therapy trying to heal myself and get back what he took from me. Had nightmares about it, and countless nights where I lay in bed and wonder what I did to deserve what he did to me.

Seeing people I love praise him regularly while I am still dealing with trying to heal from his treatment is wearing me down. But until now no one knew that he wasn’t this incredible person that he pretends to be. He’s not “reformed”. He didn’t stop being toxic, he just moved on from bullying kids in game to putting down someone who loved and supported him. Everyone used to know how toxic he was and hurtful, but it seemed like everyone forgot. If you knew that kid then this shouldn’t come as a surprise to you. He is a liar. He is a manipulator.

If you’ve read all this, hi. I know it’s long. If this isn’t proof enough I’m not sure anything ever will be to get you to understand the hurt that has been done to me by this man.

It’s not his word against mine. It’s his word against multiple points of proof and an audio of his voice not allowing me to say no to having sex.

Also to everyone who says, “Why didn’t you just go to the police”. I thought about it for weeks. I stood outside a police station and stared at it for like 20 minutes, then walked home. I didn’t physically fight him. I wasn’t scared of him killing me or anyone I loved. I wasn’t unconscious. And that’s what legally constitutes rape. I said no countless times but because I gave in due to the fear of emotional abuse rather than physical abuse it’s harder to get a conviction, even with proof. But fear is a very powerful emotion and for a lot of survivors of sexual abuse it looks like freezing up and just letting it happen in the hopes that it would be over faster.

You all always say that there’s no proof so you can’t believe a woman accusing someone and I’m begging you to realize I have that concrete “proof” you’re looking for and to believe me and hear me. This is the scariest thing I’ve ever done and I wouldn’t risk having thousands of people hounding me to just be lying.

He’s too established for me saying he harmed me to do any real damage, and I know that. I don’t want to make him feel anywhere near the way he made me feel. I just don’t want to keep this secret for him for any longer. Up until now I was doing him the favor of keeping my mouth shut and allowing him to say whatever he wanted about me, but I don’t want to do that anymore. And he himself might not have been too publicly vocal about it, but I refuse to blame his girlfriend for her actions based on his words. So I say that he was saying what he wanted about me because he was facilitating that rumor spreading.

Trust me, I know he’s charming. I know he’s funny. I know he’s very significant in esports. But if he can just say “That’s not true” and everyone goes to his side after everything I’ve shown it truly goes to show that y’all just don’t believe women and would rather ignore your idols misgivings than stand by a victim. If you can convince yourself I was joking in that audio, if you can tell yourself “she wasn’t physically fighting him enough”, “she didn’t say no hard enough”, then you weren’t gonna believe me at any point. And please don’t try and tell me I’m ruining his reputation. I’m making it more accurate.