The PPC is not my creation; that honor goes to Jay and Acacia. I don’t own Harry Potter, and even though I wish I could claim that, it belongs to the amazing J.K. Rowling. I don’t own the fanfic ‘The Marauderette’, as that belongs to quidditchlover of fanfiction.net, and she can keep it. I do, however, own Agent Rina, and one of my friends has graciously agreed to loan me Agent Randa for a partner.
Randa twisted the last strand of hair cord around her yo-yo and held it up for Rina to see. "What do you think?"
"It's hairy good," Rina said dryly.
“Ha ha. You said it yourself—Sue hair is unbreakable. I needed something like that for my yo-yo.” Randa flicked her wrist, sending the yo-yo spinning to the ground. The cord glittered suspiciously when it caught the light. “Perfect for passing time, tying up Sues, and smacking strumpets on the head. I just wish I didn’t owe my first paycheck...”
Rina laughed and motioned for Randa to toss her the yo-yo. At a glance, it seemed harmless, but the longer Rina examined it, her eyes began to water from the urple flecks embedded in the heavy steel. One good wallop could knock out almost anything.
“So, you’re absolutely sure you want to use this as a weapon?” Rina asked. “I mean, if we run into a Sue who uses a sword, you’ll be an easy target…”
“That’s why I have you to protect me, no?” Randa said, taking the yo-yo back and performing a forward pass.
Randa was unable to stop the yo-yo before it hit the large red button on the console.
“You hit it, you answer it,” Rina said, moving to retrieve her crowbar. Randa checked the readout and grinned.
“You’re going to love this. Christ, that’s bad…”
Rina paused. “Am I going to start raging?” she asked warily.
“Well, judging by the title, this Sue becomes the fifth Marauder—”
“What?” Rina darted over to the console to see for herself. Her jaw dropped; the summary alone made her want to claw her eyes out.
What if Dumbledore had a daughter… Ordellya? What if she was friends with the Marauders, Lily Evans AND Severus Snape? Would there be trouble? Uh… DUH! (Marauders: 3RD year Ordellya: first year)
“Ugh! Ugh ugh ugh!” Rina gripped her hair as she stared in dismay at the screen. A faint humming noise behind her barely registered in her mind. “Seriously?” she said, glaring up at the ceiling. “Our first mission, and you decide to give us this? Do you think this is funny?”
“Okay, I think I got the portal working all right, and I set the disguise generator for Generic Gryffindor—uh, Rina?” Randa waved a hand in front of Rina’s face. “Hey, you haven’t snapped already, have you? Those talking plants are freaky, but I don’t think even they can hear you.”
Rina shook her head. “No, I—I’m fine. It’s just—gah!” She gestured at the console.
Randa gnawed on her lip, thinking. “If you want, you can kill our first Sue,” she offered.
Judging by the way Rina’s eyes lit up, that might not have been the best decision. “Oh, yes, please,” she said, a slightly manic grin spreading across her face. She stuck her crowbar in her belt and stepped through the portal, Randa right behind.
They arrived on the Hogwarts Express and Rina immediately got distracted from their mission.
“Randa. Randa,” Rina said, her eyes wide, “we’re in the Potterverse. We’re on the Hogwarts Express! This is—this is—!” She grinned, bouncing in place. “I don’t know why anyone would hate this job; we’re on the freaking Hogwarts Express! Ooh, this is the Marauders’ time—I bet we could find Remus and the others—”
Something in Rina’s coat pocket buzzed. She reluctantly pulled out her Character Analysis Device, glanced at it, and dropped it like a hot potato. Randa stooped and picked it up, wondering what it said.
[Rina Dives. PPC Agent. 2.03% Sue.]
“Um, I think you might want to tone down the stereotypical ‘fangirl finds herself in her favorite fandom’ attitude,” Randa said.
Rina’s face had gone white. “Yeah,” she said shakily. She took the CAD from Randa and shoved it back in her pocket. “Let’s just… let’s go find a compartment.”
Randa nodded and led the way down the corridor. She frowned; something about the train seemed off.
“Rina,” Randa said suddenly, “Where are all the students?”
Rina frowned. “I guess the narrative wasn’t descriptive enough to populate the train outside of where the Sue is,” she said. She pinched the bridge of her nose. “Oy vey.”
At least that made finding a compartment easy; Randa just opened the nearest door and plunked herself down on a seat.
Rina claimed the seat opposite, her eyes slightly unfocused as she read the Words. “Hang on—the fic starts in Dumbledore’s office. Why are we on the train?”
“Would you rather we popped into Dumbledore’s office where our Sue could easily see us and point us out?”
Rina harumphed and crossed her arms. Randa was right—and that only irritated her more as she read the prologue.
Ordellya was bounding around her dad’s office, at five years old. Her father was none other, than Albus Dumbledore.
“Whaa?” Randa jumped at the sudden noise from the roof.
“I think this is a comma storm,” Rina said through her teeth. “Oh, great, and now we have tense changes.”
Almost everyone knew of her, but no one has ever seen here, give or take a few ghost and the professors, or people close to her dad.
“Only one ghost?” Randa mused. “Hogwarts must have had a mass exorcism or someth—wait, ‘no one has ever seen here’?” She giggled, which turned into an all-out guffaw when she saw Rina’s baffled and outraged expression.
Ordellya was an outgoing, spunky and cunning girl, even at five years old. She wasn’t spoiled like most people thought of her to be, but she did have her ways of getting what she wanted.
Rina began to beat her head against the window. “You—” Bang. “are—” Bang. “Veruca—” Bang. “Salt—” Bang. “incarnate!” Bang. “And it’s ‘like most people thought her to be’, the of is totally unnecessary!”
“Hey, Rina, calm down,” Randa said soothingly. “Save the righteous fury for when we read the charge list.”
Rina’s only answer was to bang her head against the window once more. “And of course her mother died of a generic cancer! GAH!” The window and her forehead were going to become very well acquainted by the end of the train ride.
Or at least, they would have become very well acquainted had the story, now caught up to the agents, not changed scenes. The agents found themselves standing on the Hogsmeade station platform, both feeling ill.
Randa suppressed a burp. “Oof... that taco was definitely better the first time around.”
“FIRST YEARS! FIRST YEARS THIS WAY!”
“And now she’s butchering Hagrid’s speech,” Rina muttered, her hand twitching to the crowbar hidden beneath her robes. The Sue was at the front of the crowd of first years… it would be easy enough to just push past them and—
No. Rina clenched her fists and shoved them in her pockets. She wasn’t going to screw up their first mission by completely ignoring regulations and killing the Sue without charging her.
Randa, who was growing increasingly worried by Rina’s foul mood, decided portaling them to the next scene would be best. They appeared in the Great Hall near the Gryffindor table. Randa quickly pushed Rina into a seat, realizing only a split second later that this was a mistake.
Rina had gone completely still, her eyes so wide they looked about ready to fall out of her head. “Re-Re—”
“Oh, crap,” Randa muttered. She grabbed her partner’s arms. “ Deep breaths! Count to ten—no, make that thirty—just don’t glomp—!”
With a massive effort, Rina tore her gaze away from the boy (who was completely unaware of the two girls who had appeared out of nowhere) that was sitting next to her. “Randa, that’s Remus Lupin!” Her mouth was stretched into an almost unnaturally large grin and she was breathing in short gasps. “That’s Remus John Lupin, sitting right next to meeemmph!”
Randa had clamped a hand over Rina’s mouth. “Calm. Down!” she hissed. “Here, look at the sky!” She forced Rina’s head up to look at the ceiling, which had manifested a blushing face.
It was charmed.
“Oh dear Rowling. I can’t handle this,” Rina moaned as the first years, Sue and all, walked into the Great Hall. They stopped in front of the Sorting Hat, which began to sing the song from the first book.
A twitch appeared in Rina’s cheek. “This is 1973, not 1991! And you’re not even copying it correctly!” She dropped her head to the table in despair. Randa patted her back and watched the students be called up by ‘Aunt Minnie’ to be Sorted. The names were… interesting, to say the least.
The two missing periods and the misplaced comma would ordinarily send Rina into an apoplectic rage, but the name ‘Borken’ caused her to snort into her hands. Randa actually had to stuff her sleeve in her mouth to muffle her laughter.
Their amusement quickly died when it was the Sue’s turn.
“Dumbledore, Ordellya,” I looked at Cayleigh as I went up to the stool.
It was rather odd to watch the Sue call herself up to be Sorted, but it was just plain awful when the very loud whispers began to spread through the hall.
“Dumbledore!? That’s her!”
“Is that really her?”
“EK! I might get to meet her!”
“Dude, she’s hot!”
Rina and Randa gagged simultaneously.
“You have got to be kidding me!” Rina growled. “She’s eleven, for the love of Merlin! At best, she’d be ‘cute’!”
“She said EK,” Randa sniggered. “It’s such a beautiful word, isn’t it? EK. EK EK EK—”
Rina swatted her. “EK is right,” she said grimly. “Look what the Sorting Hat has to say.”
“Hmm… I see. You are very brave and daring. Like in the corridor, eh.
“But that wasn’t—she only—nothing happened except for her telling someone to shut up!” Randa wailed quietly.
You love a good challenge. Yet you have a very good mind. Witty and intelligent. You love o learn things. You are also very loyal. You want to stick by your friends through everything, but their is also a part of you that is cunning and sly. You love to do pranks and tricks on people, and succeed in them. Very difficult. Difficult indeed. But what’s this, you want to have friends, true friends, and you would do anything to help and protect them, even risk things. I’ve got the perfect house for you.”
“GRYFFINDOR!” the Hat yelled. Everyone at the table began cheering, more loudly than they had for anyone else, of course. Rina bit back a noise of disgust when the Sue flounced over and pushed Rina aside, freeing up the seat next to Remus.
Randa, meanwhile, seemed to be doing a fairly accurate portrayal of a goldfish. Rina had to force her partner to duck when the rest of the sorting flew by. She shook her head as the Sorting Hat zoomed around the Hall, causing the candles it passed to sputter.
“Alright, newer and older students. Shall we begin the banquet? I think so!” Professor Dumbledore said, sitting back down despite the fact that he’d never stood in the first place. The story amended this by having the poor headmaster keep leaping from his seat, like a repeated scene caused by a scratched DVD.
The Generic Feast appeared on the tables and the Sue screamed, practically in Rina’s ear, “EK! My favorite.” She pointed to a Generic Food.
“Mine too!” Remus said.
Rina went completely still. “No. No. No no no no no...” She turned to Randa in horror, but a sudden dizziness caused her vision to go black for a moment.
“EK! My favorite,” the Sue screeched, pointing to a now-defined Yorkshire Pudding.
“Mine too!” Remus said.
“What the hell?” Randa’s face was an unpleasant greenish tinge.
Rina swallowed down the bile in her mouth and glanced at the Words. “I think we’ve just experienced our first recap,” she said darkly.
The Sue glanced shyly at Remus before looking down at her lap. Rina’s fingernails dug into her palms hard enough to break the skin.
Remus and Ordellya introduced themselves and shook hands, not letting go for at least seven seconds.
Three guys chuckled at me this time.
“I’m James Potter,” the one with black hair introduced, and Hazel eyes.
Rina and Randa stared, revolted, at the pair of eyes (that were named Hazel, for the record) that briefly appeared in the seat next to James.
“And I’m Sirius Black,” the one with the other black hair and black eyes said.
“Gray, they were gray, dammit! Snape and Hagrid have black eyes! Not Sirius,” Rina hissed.
Peter was mentioned once; he suddenly popped into existence for less than a second before vanishing, never to be seen again save for one line near the end of the story.
About halfway through the feast, the ghost showed up.
Sir Nicholas’ head went through the potatoes. Almost all of the first years jumped. Cayleigh looked really startled and disturbed.
“Hello, Sir Nicholas,” I said to him. He looked at me, and his face brightened.
Randa shut her eyes in time to avoid being blinded by the ghost’s suddenly shining face; Rina, who was still fuming about the Sue going for Remus, was left blinking spots out of her vision.
“Ah, hello ‘Della,” a he said back.
The others looked confused.
“Della?” Cayleigh asked.
“That’s my nickname for him, Della,” I responded.
Randa was now having an extremely difficult time not bursting out into laughter, especially when the ghost’s nickname was changed from Nearly Headless Nick to Della.
“Hey, I’m going to call you Delly, kay?” Sirius said.
The Canon Analysis Device in Rina’s pocket vibrated. Trying to be discreet, she pulled it out and read it under the table.
[Sirius Black. Canon. 47.35% out of character.]
“I’ll call you that too,” Remus said, smiling dazedly at the Sue.
Dreading the result, Rina pointed the CAD at Remus.
[Remus Lupin. Canon. 68% out of character.]
Randa put a calming hand on Rina’s shoulder as the Sue and Remus looked deeply into each others’ eyes.
It was a merciful distraction when Dumbledore made a Generic Speech about staying out of the Forbidden Forest, then asked the ‘Perfects’ to show the first years to their common rooms. The agents waited until the Sue left before Randa opened a portal to the Gryffindor common room. They didn’t move more than a minute forward in the story, but the Marauders (minus Peter) had somehow managed to get to the common room in that brief period.
The agents settled themselves on the hearth rug, staring around the common room. At least, Randa was staring around the common room. Rina was mostly just staring at Remus.
The portrait hole opened after a few minutes and the first years came in. Another ‘perfect’ gave a brief explanation of the dorm arrangements, then just faded out of view, his purpose in the story served. Rina growled when Sue decided to sit next to Remus; he jumped, looking like he was about to bolt.
“Dang, Delly, you scared me,” he said, frightened.
Rina’s CAD began to vibrate alarmingly. [Remus Lupin. Canon/ noncanon/ canon/ whatevenisthis/ noncanon/ canon/ everythinghurtsjustkillmenow/ ERROR—]
Randa grabbed the smoking device and muted it, whistling innocently when the Sue glanced around. She didn’t seem to have noticed anything unusual and promptly resumed her flirting with Remus. Rina began to tremble, her self-control nearly at its end.
“Don’t worry, we have a time warp coming up soon. This won’t be long,” Randa said anxiously.
Rina hissed through her teeth. “Can’t we just kill her now? This is awful!”
“Not yet. Patience, young Padawan.” Randa grinned and ducked Rina’s halfhearted swipe.
The floor suddenly began to tremble; the sky seen in the window changed from black to pale blue and back again before it finally stopped at pale blue. Rina toppled over on the rug, clutching at her head and moaning. Randa crawled over to the fireplace when her stomach decided it had had enough.
“Yeah,” she said shakily when her stomach had emptied itself, “those tacos were definitely better the first time.” She wiped her mouth and checked the Words. She groaned. “She woke up at seven a.m. in the morning. Seven a.m. in the—do we need to call the Department of Redundancy Department?”
“Just send them a note,” Rina said. “You know, just a quick message. Make it brief. Don’t take too long.”
Randa gave her the stink-eye. “You’re still not funny.” She sent a short memo to the Department of Redundancy Department (the department that deals in redundancies, you know) just as the Marauders, still Peterless, came downstairs. They stood in the middle of the room like cardboard cutouts, not even moving when one of the bit characters, Cayleigh, joined them.
“Look out!” Rina suddenly tackled Randa to the floor as a giant line of text attempted to smash them in the face.
(uniform on profile)
“Oh, that is it.” Rina drew her crowbar and lunged at the in-text author’s note. The instant they collided, the text disappeared, sending Rina sprawling.
The Marauders, of course, didn’t notice a thing, and the bit character might as well have been a statue without the Sue to animate her.
Speaking of the Sue…
The agents dived behind the sofa as the Sue skipped down the stairs. “Aw, did you guys wait for me.”
“Why of course we did. You’re our friend,” Remus said with an unpleasantly familiar sappy smile.
The Sue, bit, and Marauders decided to get breakfast. Rina and Randa followed them, ducking behind suits of armor and statues to remain hidden.
“Y’all want to know a short-cut?” the Sue asked.
“Oh, no, don’t even think about it, don’t even think about it, don’t even think about it,” Rina began chanting.
“We already know all the short-cuts,” James said.
Hyphenating shortcut,” Randa said, raising her eyebrows. “Bah. Well, at least she got something right about them knowing all the—”
“Well, do you know this one?” The Sue walked over to a suit of armor. “Ανοιγμα,” she whispered. Ανοιγμα was Greek for open up. (It really is)
Randa’s yo-yo shot out and hit the second author’s note before it could hit either of the agents. Rina didn’t even notice through her emotional haze of fury.
I looked back at them and the guys mouth had dropped. I smirked and winked at them then looked at Cayleigh. She was looking at them too. I could see a faint smirk on her face too.
The Sue and company disappeared into the noncanon passage and the suit of armor slid back into place.
“SON OF A WERECHIHUAHUA!” Rina bellowed, delivering a vicious kick to the wall. “MAKING THE MARAUDERS NOT MMph!”
Once again, Randa was forced to clamp a hand over Rina’s mouth. Rina’s indignant cries were muffled, but she began thrashing, her feet putting dents in the armor that hid the tunnel.
“Sorry about this.” Randa winced as she clonked Rina on the head with her yo-yo. Rina went limp, her sudden dead weight nearly knocking Randa down. Randa managed to drag Rina behind a statue and propped her against the wall, then held up the yo-yo so Rina could smell the string, which held a residual Sue-scent of lilacs, lavender, honeysuckle, clover, roses, and sunshine.
Rina gagged and began coughing, but at least she was awake. She gingerly felt her scalp and winced when her fingers touched an already growing lump. “Did you hit me?”
“You were going into capslock rage,” Randa said, grabbing Rina’s face and examining her eyes. “Pupils look the same size,” she muttered. “Rina, what’s two plus two?”
“Are you trying to trick me?” Rina asked suspiciously. “Like, if I say ‘four’, you’ll say, ‘wrong, it’s bacon’, or something stupid like that?”
“Okay, you’re fine.” Randa held out a hand and pulled Rina to her feet. “And for the record, two plus two equals fish.”
“Ohhh…” Rina moaned, doubling over and grabbing at her head.
“The Words, Randa—lookit—please kill me—”
The Sue had called Professor McGonagall ‘Aunt Minnie’ again, used ‘ya’ for at least the third time in the fic, forgotten to use quotation marks for one of James’ lines, given the first years Divination as a class, and-
“Double classes are only fifteen extra minutes?” Rina was about ready to cry. Randa, however, suddenly started laughing.
“‘Yay! We have lying lessons tomorrow!’” she quoted, leaning against the wall for support. “And then she ‘grabbed me stuff’!”
The palm of Rina’s hand was introduced to her forehead. “She’s going to run into Snape and Lily in a moment,” she said, grabbing the remote activator from Randa and opening a portal. “Come on.”
They appeared in another Generic Corridor and peered around the corner, watching as the Sue conveniently bumped into Lily Evans. It wasn’t a bad collision by any stretch of the imagination, but the Sue still got knocked back several feet, landing on her butt with a satisfying thump.
“Oh my gosh. I’m so sorry. I wasn’t watching where I was going,” Lily said in a monotone.
“It’s fine. I wasn’t looking where I was going either, so it’s not just your fault,” the Sue said. For some odd reason, Lily grabbed the Sue’s bag before helping its owner to stand.
“I’m Ordellya Dumbledore,” the Sue said.
“Oh, I’m Lily Evans, and that over there, is Severus Snape.”
The agents both winced at the misplaced comma.
“So, your in Gryffindor, of course,” Lily continued in the same dead voice. Rina began to twitch again; her already-thin tolerance for it’s/its, they’re/their/there and you’re/your mixups was almost used up. The only reason she’d lasted this long was because mistakes like that were pretty much inevitable in badfics.
The Sue answered Lily before she turned her attention to Snape. “Yes, I am. What house are you in? I didn’t see you at the table, so I assume your not in Gryffindor,”
“You are correct. I’m not in Gryffindor, i’m in Slytherin,” He answered.
“Bad capitalization, wrong you’re/your, lack of periods and quotation marks—is there anything still sacred in this story?” Rina asked, her lip curling.
Randa grabbed hold of Rina’s arm for balance just before another poorly-executed transition could make them lose their balance. The transition dumped them at the entrance to the Great Hall just in time to see the Slytherins suddenly decked out in ‘tutu’s’, with a sign hanging above the table:
Why don’t you dance for us?
sincerely, The Marauders.
Rina took a deep breath, walked calmly to the front doors, and stepped outside before shrieking like a banshee.
“THAT WAS THE MOST GOD-AWFUL PRANK I’VE EVER SEEN IN A FIC!”
I gaped at them. That was a pretty good prank.
“NO IT WASN’T!” Rina dropped to her knees in the grass, sobbing hysterically when the ‘marauders’ randomly decided to tell Ordellya who they were. Randa put a comforting arm around Rina’s shoulders.
“It hurts s-so m-much,” Rina wailed, burying her face against Randa’s neck.
Randa patted her on the back, thinking to herself that they’d be better off not taking any missions involving the Marauders for a while. Maybe they’d stay away from Harry Potter in general.
When another parenthetical author’s note zoomed over their heads, disappearing into the Forbidden Forest, Rina coughed, hiccuped several times, and stood, only to dive for cover as more commas rained down around them.
I fell, once again, on my butt, and looked up to see, none other than, Severus standing there.
At that point, the story decided to warp back and repeat that last line, which caused yet another punctuation downpour. Rina shook her head—bad idea; it only made her throbbing headache worse—and focused on the Words.
“Well, she has a stupid and pointless exchange with Snape, then she- WHAT THE HELL IS PROFESSOR TRELAWNEY DOING AS DIVINATION TEACHER IN 1973?!”
Randa jumped at Rina’s outburst. “...could you please explain at a normal volume?” she asked carefully.
Rina’s fingernails dug into her palms. “In Half-Blood Prince, Dumbledore told Harry he hired Trelawney after she made the prophecy about the wizard destined to defeat Voldemort,” she said. Her voice trembled despite her best efforts to keep it steady. “That prophecy is what caused Lily and James to go into hiding, and we know they were in hiding for about a year before they were killed, which happened on October 31, 1981. Professor Trelawney, therefore, would have been hired in 1980. She’s teaching at Hogwarts seventeen years before she should be.” Rina rubbed her face and glanced at Randa. “I know there are only two chapters left, but I think I’ll go flamethrower-crazy if I have to watch her prank the Marauders, drive a bulldozer over Latin and mangle Italian in the process, change the POV to Remus’, kiss him on the cheek, integrate herself as the ‘Marauderette’, and make the Marauders Animagi two years too early. She needs to die.”
Randa didn’t think it would be that difficult for Rina to get her hands on a flamethrower, and considering how much she loved the Marauders, there was a very good chance that she would start running through the halls of HQ screaming “Mr. Rogers! Mr. Rogers!”
That really wouldn’t make for a good ending of their first mission.
“Okay, let me just set the portal—” Randa yelped when something large, brown, and hairy scuttled over her foot.
“Oh, you’re so cute!” Rina squealed, scooping up the spider. “Look, Randa, our first mini-Aragog!”
“Mini-Aragogses, yesss, preciousessss, we are,” the mini hissed, sending chills up Randa’s spine.
“What’s its, uh, name?”
“We’s called Mcgonagoll, preciousss,” Mcgonagoll answered. He climbed up Rina’s arm to her head and perched there like an ugly toupee. His brown fur blended almost perfectly into her hair.
“Can we keep him?” Rina asked, giving Randa her best Bambi eyes. The effect was kind of ruined by the giant spider on her head, but it didn’t stop her from trying.
Randa suppressed a shudder. “Uh… sure. Just keep it away from me, okay?”
Mcgonagoll clicked his pincers at her as she opened a portal back to HQ. As soon as the spider was through, Randa killed the connection and allowed herself to finally shudder.
“Don’t worry, you won’t even know he’s there,” Rina promised, hefting her crowbar. “Now then…”
Another portal was opened, this one leading to the end of the fic. The agents stepped through before Randa realized she had it set for a moment too early. They arrived just in time to see the Sue give Remus a long kiss on the cheek.
With a roar, Rina dived at the Sue, tackling her to the ground. The Sue’s power over the story lessened when she was attacked, causing Peter to pop back into existence and the Marauders to all blink and shake their heads.
Randa pulled out her yo-yo and tied up the Sue while Rina stepped forward, pulling a pair of sunglasses from her coat and putting them on.
“Marauders, could I have your attention, please?”
“What the hell just happened?” Sirius demanded, giving the Sue a disgusted glance. “That prank on the Slytherins sucked. And who are you guys? What’s going on?”
Randa, her hands full of struggling Sue, squeezed her eyes shut.
Rina activated the neuralyzer, silently apologizing when the Marauders’ eyes glazed over. “Sorry to bother you,” she said. “Prefect business, nothing you need to worry about now.”
Randa finished tying up the Sue and Rina opened another portal, this time to Dumbledore’s office.
Dumbledore reached for his wand but was stopped by the neuralyzer flash. “You had an extremely bizarre dream that you had a daughter, okay? Have a nice term!”
Another portal took them to the top of the Astronomy Tower.
Randa dropped the Sue on the ground and planted a foot on her chest, holding her in place. Rina grabbed a fistful of the Sue’s robes.
"Ordellya Dumbledore," she spat, "You have been charged with being the uncanonical daughter of Albus Dumbledore and a woman, having an unnamed mother who died of Generic Cancer, pretending you're not a spoiled brat when you'd make Veruca Salt ashamed of you, ruining Hagrid's speech, saying All Slytherins are Evil, calling Professor McGonagall 'Aunt Minnie', and using the 1991 Sorting Hat song in 1973, somehow managing to butcher said song even though that could have been easily avoided.
"You are also charged with having boys lusting after you and calling you 'hot' even though you're eleven—do you realize how freakin' creepy that is?—allegedly having qualities of all four Houses (that's Houses with a capital 'H', by the way), calling Nearly Headless Nick 'Della' and turning him into a flashlight, immediately becoming best friends with the Marauders and completely forgetting Peter's existence, capitalizing random words for no reason, using 'EK' and 'ya' way too many times, and using 'EK' and 'ya' in the first place.
"Furthermore, you are charged with having a better knowledge of the castle than the Marauders, driving me insane and forcing Randa to knock me out with a yo-yo of all things, attempting to beat your readers over the head with in-text author's notes, using Greek for no reason other than to show you're Speshul, having the Marauders pull a lame prank, being friends with the Marauders and Lily and Snape, having Professor Trelawney be the Divination teacher seventeen years earlier than canon, having first years take Divination as a class, having more time warps than the Doctor would ever approve, causing myself and Randa to be sick from a particularly bad one, sending Remus to Way the Hey Out of Character Land, making up stupid spells like 'Verita 2 ora', and misspelling McGonagall as Mcgonagoll and spawning a mini.
"Finally, you are charged with pulling a lame prank on the Marauders and making them all look like idiots, making the Marauders Animagi in their third year—for the love of Merlin, Remus says it very clearly in Prisoner of Azkaban that they didn't manage it until their fifth year!—and not making Animagi/Animagus proper nouns, switching to Remus' point of view for no reason, using apostrophes to form plurals, not using apostrophes and unintentionally creating plurals, constant abuse of the words its, it's, there, their, they're, your, and you're, and having a really, really stupid name. For all of these crimes, you have been sentenced to die."
Randa blinked as Rina cleared her throat and pulled her crowbar from her belt. “Did you seriously recite that from memory?” Randa asked.
Rina tapped her head. “Semi-eidetic memory, Randa. If it’s important to me, it’s very hard to forget.” She frowned. “That doesn’t mean I’ll do this all the time. This one just made me so damn angry—”
“I get it,” Randa said quickly before Rina could start ranting again. She ungagged the Sue. “So, do you have anything to say for yourself?”
Ordellya began to blubber. “It’s n-not my fault I’m special! My d-dad is the m-most powerful wizard in the w-world and he’ll make you p-pay—”
“That’s enough of that.” Rina swung her crowbar and hit the Sue over the head, knocking her out instantly. “Set a portal to the next full moon,” she ordered.
Randa’s eyes widened. “You wouldn’t make Remus—?”
Rina flinched. “Oh, God, no! No, I was thinking we give her to Greyback.”
“Now that’s evil.” Randa fiddled with the remote activator and opened a portal that overlooked a moonlit forest. A blood-chilling howl made the agents shiver.
Meanwhile, Rina had untied the Sue and neatly coiled the yo-yo. The moment the portal was active, she grabbed the Sue by the ankles and gleefully flung her through.
Randa had had the foresight to open the portal several yards above the ground so the werewolves were unable to reach them. It also gave them a very nice view as the Sue was ripped to pieces by a dozen or so slavering beasts.
“Oof,” Randa muttered, turning away. “I can’t watch.”
Rina sighed, but she closed the portal and opened another to HQ.
RC 3-Apple-14 looked the same as it did before, though its gray Generic Surface walls and floor looked even more drab after the color of the Potterverse (something even the Sue couldn’t entirely suppress). Rina went to toss her crowbar on her bed before heading to the console to type up the mission report. Randa went to lie down on her own bed, only to find it was already occupied.
“We likes this bed, preciousss,” Mcgonagoll hissed. “This is ours now, yes it isss.”
The offending mini was quickly scooped up and set on Rina’s bed. “You can stay here until… um, well, I guess until you get a web spun?” She glanced at Randa, but all she got was a shrug and an accusing glare.
“You said I wouldn’t even know that thing is here,” Randa said, swatting at her blankets like she was expecting more minis to emerge.
“Sorry.” Rina gave Mcgonagoll a stern look. “Don’t bother Randa, okay?”
“No botherings the fat hobbitses,” Mcgonagoll promised. Bad choice of words. Rina swung around and jabbed a finger at what she thought was Mcgonagoll’s face.
“Randa is not fat,” she said, her voice dangerously low. “She is huggable, got it?”
Mcgonagoll clicked his pincers angrily and burrowed under Rina’s blankets.
“You’d better get a nest spun before I go to bed,” Rina warned. There was no response other than what was probably a rude clicking.
“Not so cute now, is he?” Randa asked smugly.
Rina swatted her. “Oh, shut up.”