Transcriber: Cy @vlasdygoth
Jack (as Melinda): It's work experience, right Mr. Salt? For uh, Eloise and I to go up in the balloon before it, before it starts?
Keith (as Mr. Salt): Dusting the candy is work experience. Balloons is balloons.
Austin (as Eloise): Balloons is balloons, Melinda, he's kinda right.
Jack (as Melinda): Right, but if we— If it's our responsibility during the day to tend the balloon… or to, to draw people to the balloon and stuff, don't you think it's like, prudent of us to travel up in the balloon? What are we supposed to say if someone says to us hey, what's the view up there like?
Keith (as Mr. Salt): Say it's magnificent!
[music begins: “America’s Playground”]
Keith (as Sank): Did you take this watch from your pops?
Art (as mark): Yeah!
Keith (as Sank): Oh.
Austin (as onlooker): That wasn't your watch?
Art (as mark): No, I—
Keith (as Sank): [clicks tongue disapprovingly] You borrowed two watches on credit for…? on faith? Two watches on faith for your gambling?
Art (as mark): I heard that someone can make a quick buck out here.
Keith (as Sank): Yeah. Yeah, me!
Jack (as Melinda): If you take us up five feet, we can see into the hotel swimming pool. [Austin laughs softly]
Janine: [laughs in surprise] What?
Jack (as Melinda): Just five more feet. Like, it's a swimming pool from above. It looks really cool. It's 1900. We haven't invented television yet. [Janine and Austin laugh] Just take us up five feet, Luce.
Janine (as Luce): All right. Yeah. Yeah, sure.
Jack (as Melinda): This is great. You into barrel organs?
Austin (as Mr. Willacker): I did not tell you you could take my photograph! You know I don't believe in the device. I want you to destroy that photograph.
Janine (as Cattie): Well it's on film, Mr. Willacker, so it's in the reel now.
Austin (as Mr. Willacker): I'll tell you what's in the reel! The trouble you'll be in when I talk to your manager.
Janine (as Cattie): My manager sent me out here to get candid photos of patrons and visitors and…
Austin (as Mr. Willacker): Hm.
Janine (as Cattie): Upstanding members of the community.
Austin (as Mr. Willacker): Hm!
Art (as Pomp): Alright, alright, here you go, um, medium powdered sugar, just how you like it, and one cup of coffee.
Austin (as Eloise): You're telling me you got a centennial watch and a Civil War watch and that's not…that's not the big win you've been talking about?
Keith (as Sank): No, this is the stepping stone to the big win.
Austin (as Eloise): What's the big win?
Keith (as Sank): The big win… is a thousand watches, stacked in a box.
Jack (as Melinda): What?
Austin (as Eloise): The same box?
Keith (as Sank): In a truck driving downtown this afternoon.
Austin (as Eloise): What are you gonna do with a thousand— you gonna trade these two watches for the thousand watches? Who's gonna take that trade?
Keith (as Sank): No.
Jack (as Melinda): Nah, they won’t.
Keith (as Sank): I'm gonna take the watches. Take, steal them.
Jack (as Melinda): [laughing] You're gonna…
Art (as Pomp): [too loud] You're gonna steal a thousand watches?
Jack (as Melinda): You’re gonna steal a thousand—
Keith (as Sank): Shh, shhh, shhh.
[music ends]
Austin: Welcome to Friends at the Table, an actual play podcast focused on critical worldbuilding, smart characterization, and fun interaction between good friends, I am your host Austin Walker. Joining me today, Keith Carberry.
Keith: Hi, my name is Keith J. Carberry, you can follow me on twitter @keithjcarberry, and you can find the let's plays that I do at youtube.com/runbutton.
Austin: Janine Hawkins.
Janine: Hey, I'm Janine Hawkins, you can find me at @bleatingheart on twitter.
Austin: Jack de Quidt.
Jack: Hi there, you can find me on twitter at @notquitereal, and buy any of the music featured on the show at notquitereal.bandcamp.com.
Austin: And Art Martinez-Tebbel.
Art: Hey, you can find me on twitter at @atebbel.
Austin: Today, we are continuing our game of Mall Kids, a game about teens and malls by Matthew Gravelyn [grah-vlin], or Gravelyn [gra-vel-in]. We do not have, there's not like explicit lists of principles here, but y'know, play to find out what happens and whatnot. Um, when in doubt, do whatever sounds fun, et cetera, et cetera. We… we'd had a lunch scene, but I don't quite think that we were at lunch. Or I don't think we were at the lunch phase of the game, because that would put us halfway over, and I feel like we have a lot to get done still, in terms of plans we've made. I guess as a reminder we should start by just introducing our characters, going around, giving our scores, our current scores between cred and— cred and? Sellout?
Keith: Corp.
Jack: Corp.
Austin: Corp! Corp and cred, that's what it is. Which I've now realized, some of us have written in different orders, but that's fine. I'm playing… is this true? Is this this character's name? [Keith laughs] No. That's not my— Who is this? Who is Melinda?
Jack: I am. I am Melinda.
Austin: You are Melinda! I was like, that's not me!
Keith: You're the next one.
Janine: You're Eloise Salt, I think.
Austin: Yeah, that's correct. Jack, tell me about Melinda.
Jack: Sure, yeah. I'm playing Melinda Guppy. Her pronouns are she/her, she's tall and thin, she has two tight braids, she's scowling. Wearing a simple navy blue dress and a gray apron. She works at Guppy Inventions, which is an elaborate beachside inventions stall run by her father, selling things like sutpid little periscopes to look at fish in the murky water, sun shades that you can clip over the top of your deck chair, something to make eating food on the beach more sand free that doesn't work?
Keith: I love all this stuff.
Janine: A bag with a hole in it?
Jack: [laughs] Yeah, it has got a hole in it. [Janine laughs] I am uh, very interested in the music scene and the culture surrounding barrel organ performers, barrel organ music, and barrel organ history up and down the beaches of Bluff City. Ultimately I want to quit my job working for my dad, I have no interest in the stupid inventions, and reflecting that, I have two corp, and four cred.
Austin: I—
Keith: Can I ask you a question about Melinda Guppy?
Austin: Sure.
Jack: Go ahead!
Keith: Something I, something I'm not sure about her father. Does her father know that the inventions are stupid? Or does he think he's like, onto something?
Jack: He thinks he's onto something.
Keith: Okay. That's…
Jack: He would be the first to admit that some of them have not been as successful as he would like, but it's very important for him to keep trying.
Keith: Okay.
Jack: And this is something that he would like to instill in his daugher.
Keith: Okay. Got it.
Austin: I am playing Eloise Salt, my pronouns are she/her, she is big, freckled— she has big freckled cheeks, light brown skin, curly hair in a kerchief, was wearing a white blouse with a deep blue skirt with small white dots. I work for Father's Candy Shoppe, I am a nerd slash tryhard, and I would love to slack off, but I'm not very good at it. My corp is four, my cred is two, in our earlier scene, Melinda tried to get me to come ride the balloon with her, I said yes, and I even managed to get the opportunity to, and then I chose instead to stay behind to write the, something about, what did I write? I wrote some bullshit on the candy. Whatever it's—
Jack: Magnificent, or something?
Austin: Something like that, whatever it says on the, on the balloon, I wrote it on the balloon candies, and it took me my whole shift. Or my whole, that whole like, opening sequence.
Janine: I'm playing Cattie Pontecorvo, pronouns are she/her. She looks bored slash tired, she has cropped blonde hair that's sort of pinned up in a style that makes it hard to tell that it's cropped? She has dark eyes, she's petite, has a pale and flushed complexion, specifically I would say like, reddened cheeks. She's wearing a striped dress with a blouse and a necktie underneath, I imagine sort of like a, Victorian, Edwardian dress, but it's kind of like, got a bit of a wrapped element. And also loves a bicycle suit, though it hasn't come up. She works at Arvo and Stacks Photography studio. She is the stoner archetype, with some asterisks. She wants to get promoted. Three cred and three corp. And the things that I've done so far, I've done some like, some uh, sarcastic enabling of other people, [Keith and Jack laugh] and some questionable ideas. I ate some french fries, and I got in trouble with my boss 'cause I made someone's face look big in a picture— [Art laughs] Well, I don't, I guess we don't know that I got in trouble yet.
Austin: Right.
Janine: I was told not to make someone's face big in the picture, and then was told I did a good job making their face big in the picture by the other boss. There's some…
Austin: Right, and he was gonna show your, your work off, which potentially could get you in trouble with first dude.
Janine: Yeah. Yes. It could break bad.
Austin: Yeah. Do you remember which was which, is Arvo the, the one…
Jack: Arvo wants the big faces, and Stacks thinks that big faces is not good.
Austin: And Stacks does not. Okay. So I've been playing Arvo.
Janine: Yeah. Think of it like Stacks of paperwork and Arvo…
Austin: Like, Arvo! Like you're laughing.
Janine: Arvo, arvo, arvo! [laughs]
Keith: It's very Bobo and Kiki of them.
Jack: It is very Bobo and Kiki of them, yes.
Keith: It's very Bobo and Kiki, you can tell, I think, Stacks definitely is the grumpier one with, with the small faces only demand.
[laughter]
Janine: Definitely.
Art: I'll go next. I'm playing Pomp Circumstance, pronouns are he/him, I'm playing the prep archetype. Good hair, bright eyes, narrow build, fair skin, wearing a shirt and tie with an apron and a paper hat because I'm an employee at Funnel Cake by Stand. Um. I don't remember writing that, but there it is. [laughter] Pomp wants to discover a secret, my current stats are corp three cred three, and I've done a lot of establishing exposition for things that are going to happen, I think. [Austin laughs] That's been the tenor of my scenes so far. But we did establish that teacher who uh, doesn't pay for anything!
Austin: Mr. Willacker, yeah.
Art: Mr. Willacker, yeah.
Jack: Oh, yeah!
Art: Big Face Willacker, I think…
Austin: That's what we're calling him!
Keith: Sure is what we're gonna call him after today.
Austin: Keith?
Keith: Hi, I'm playing Sank Gettliff, he's a uh, sort of carny slash conman, which is sort of what I've been doing so far today. He runs the carny games at the pier, and we saw him steal some watches, some expensive watches, during a shell game. He has finger-combed brown hair, he's pale almost gaunt, and clean-shaven. He's wearing sort of like, wool suspenders— or wool pants with suspenders and a collarless button-up shirt. And he wants to do a crime, so.
Austin: Well, we're on our fucking way.
Keith: The other thing that I've done is convince all these children that they should help with a major heist. A really serious high level crime.
Austin: It's a very goofy heist. So, I guess we should note. We are working all at or around the Kingfish Pier, which used to be the hot pier on the boardwalk. It is unfortunately not that anymore because of the uh, much larger one down the way. The golden something something? The Gold Standard? No, it's not called the Gold Standard, but that's a pretty funny name! [laughter] That's a pretty good one!
Janine: Well timed.
Austin: Uh huh! But uh, because of that, it has been a rough summer in terms of income for all of our, the places we work. Tourists have not been… visiting as much as normal, and as such, also the ones who are here have higher standards because of the other one? And they're angry at us now. That's our, that was like our obstacle, right? They are, we haven't really seen a lot of that— I guess we saw Mr. Willacker, he kinda sucked right?
Janine: I was gonna say, he counts, he totally counts.
Austin: He counts, he does. He's not a tourist, but yes. Yes.
Keith: [mocking] Everything's free at this shitty pier now!
Austin: The other pier's name was the Golden Fortune, right. In an attempt to get people to come near our shops, the shop owners nearby, and the pier owner have hired a hot air balloon ride. The looshe gooshe? Is the name of—
Jack: No! No!
Austin: La luce goose? Giuce?
Jack: I think it's the Luce Goose.
Janine: That's the balloon, uh huh!
Austin: That's the balloon, yeah.
Jack: I don't think it's the loosh goosh. [laughter]
Keith: I think it's the luge guge.
Jack: I don't think it is!
Austin: We're kids, I don't know French.
Janine: Lush gush.
Austin: There we go. The, this morning, Keith's character Sank, did a shell game with some people— or some Three Card Monty with some people, right, not a shell game, or was it a shell game?
Art: No, it was a shell game.
Janine: It was a shell game.
Austin: It was a shell game, I couldn't remember which. I've had a long couple of weeks. The shell game, and as part of that, one, took two very expensive watches from them, one of them—
Jack: Historically important watches!
Austin: Historically important, one of them from the president during the bicentennial— or during the centennial?
Janine: Wound by the president.
Austin: Wound by the president during the centennial, what was the other one? The other was a World War— or not a world war, a pre-war memorial?
Janine: A watch from the future.
Keith: It was a Civil War memorial that saved his grandfather's life.
Austin: Right, yes, and now you have both of them. And, those two people suggested that there might be a bunch of other watches on their way to town, via an early truck. An early, not in terms of time of day, early in terms of time of history 'cause trucks were just invented, and that they might rob it to get watches.
Keith: Yeah. Art put this gun on the mantle, and then said that's not there for anything, ignore that!
[Janine laughs]
Austin: And we immediately— the last scene that we did was a lunchtime scene where we all got together to buy lunch, to fret about the day, and to be talked into doing a heist. I remember I was in charge of getting rope, potentially to tie down a balloon if it came to that. I don't remember— I don't fully remember what our gameplan was, and I have not had time to go back and listen.
Janine: We had two competing gameplans.
Art: I only remember not saying balloon for as long as possible, that's the only thing I remember about that meeting.
Austin: That was really funny. The highest object, right. [Jack laughs] That was really good. Keith really laughed.
Keith: I don't remember that.
Austin: Oh, weird. Does anyone remember the plans?
Janine: Yeah.
Austin: What are they?
[0:14:59]
Janine: So, plan one— plan A, um, was to unmoor the balloon, and somehow direct it after the truck, and somehow control it in a way that we've established you could not do? [laughs]
Art: I think this is a prejudicial explanation of this plan.
[Janine laughs]
Austin: I don't appreciate this.
Janine: It is, a little bit! Okay, I'll be un-prejudicial— we're going get a balloon and then use the balloon to follow the truck and then somehow steal the watches off the truck, or steal the truck? Unclear.
Austin: I don't think we're gonna steal the truck, that seems unlikely.
Jack: Going a little far.
Janine: And then something, something something, the other guys are… I don't know how they were involved at all, or if we were just going to try and beat them to the truck.
Austin: Oh, let them!
Jack: Let them!
Austin: The other plan was to let them do it, right?
Keith: And steal the whole thing.
Janine: Yes, that was the other plan I suggested, was to enable them, and then since they are goons, screw 'em over at the last minute and get the stuff after they've done the hard—
Austin: I don't know that they were goons.
Janine: They were goons, they were, not, they were rubes, is, they're rubes.
Austin: They're rubes, yeah.
Janine: They're rubes.
Jack: They might be rubes, but they're no goons.
[Janine laughs]
Austin: Yeah.
Keith: I think that you definitely have a case that, upon losing your watch, going "Hey, I know a truck full of watches we can steal."
Jack: Yeah, that's true.
Keith: Definitely puts some stones in the goon pile.
Janine: That's deeply goonish behavior.
Austin: I don't think goons come up with plans. Goons execute on plans on order.
Janine: That's why it's a bad plan. [Austin laughs] Well that's the thing, they don't really have a plan, they just said there's a truck? We could rob?
Art: A heavily armed truck, I think…
Janine: And the idea was—
Austin: I did say it was heavily armed!
Janine: The idea of the second plan was, what if we enable them to have a plan, they do the hard work for us, and then we just like, go up in the balloon to spot them and like, give signs about what's happening, or like, y'know, use our different vantage points across the boardwalk to like, enable this, this thing to happen, and then at the end maybe get Sank to like, scam 'em again, or something, just, feels like it'd work, I don't know.
Austin: Yeah. I don't know. I always thought of them as a couple of shoobies who didn't know better, but I guess if they're gonna rob a truck, that puts them in the goon category, I can agree with that.
Keith: Shoobie?
Art: Great question, Keith.
Austin: A shoobie is—
Janine: [laughs] Yeah, what?
Austin: A shoobie is like a… in Atlantic City, I guess probably other parts of the Jersey Shore, a shoobie is someone who does like a day trip to the shore.
Janine: Oh.
Austin: Not like a multi-day, like someone from Philadelphia who comes down, I guess I'm not sure…
Janine: So it's not like this dog boutique?
Jack: What's the origin of that?
Austin: It's not what?
Janine: This dog boutique?
Austin: N- no.
Janine: When I google shoobie it suggests the Shoobie dog boutique.
Austin: Oh, I found it. Okay. Shoobie, S-H-O-O-B-I-E, "the term shoobie originated in the late 1800s, and derives from day trippers taking the train to New Jersey beaches with their ticket price including a boxed lunch packed in a shoe box."
Jack: Huh.
Janine: Oh.
Austin: "Later it was used to refer to anyone who brought a picnic lunch to beach resorts, either way these day trippers deprived local businesses of the revenue tourists would've spent on food. Homeowners, wether year round or seasonal, often walk the beach barefoot or remove their shoes immediately upon reaching the sand. Similar terms are bennie, with is mostly used in the Monmouth county or northern Ocean county resorts—" I don't know what bennie means. But yeah, as it says here, "shoobies are essentially a mixed blessing for local beach residents, they bring in enormous revenue during the summer months, less so if they bring their own food, but at the same time they add numerous obstacles and annoyances to day to day life, in that sense, shoobies are not unlike the tourists who visit any resort area." Yeah. There you go.
Jack: Huh. Makes sense.
Austin: So. So as a kid, I remember being like, kind of inculturated to feel like annoyed at out of town beachgoers, basically? Because of how, because of how like, they didn't know traffic, and they didn't know, they always asked you bad questions, and always were like, taking up the good spots on the beach. Y'know!
Janine: Yeah, that's..
Keith: Those damn shoobies.
Jack: I mean, I think the fact that we're— oh sorry, go on.
Keith: Oh, that's all I had, I just had these damn shoobies.
Austin: Right, these damn shoobies, yeah, exactly.
Janine: I was gonna make a joke about how one of the shoobie definitions on Urban Dictionary was submitted by Randy Orton. [Jack and Janine laugh]
Austin: The Randy Orton?
Janine: I don't know!
Keith: He's verified on Urban Dictionary.
Austin: That's very funny.
Art: On Urban Dictionary, outta nowhere.
[Austin laughs]
Austin: Alright. Anyway, I think that we're good, right?
Jack: Yeah, I think it speaks to the fact that we have two conflicting plans, and not necessarily much idea of which to follow and how to execute it that we are still in the early stages of four children attempting to rob a heavily armed watch truck.
Austin: Yes.
Jack: And I think—
Austin: I think that we are still in, so. This game has, by default, six phases. Opening, morning, lunch, evening, closing, after hours. If you wanna play a shorter game, you can skip morning and evening, obviously we could do whatever the fuck we want, we could skip one of thsoe things if we decided we wanted to? But we did all of opening. We all did opening scenes. Then we did one morning scene, which was having an early lunch, after our opening shifts, presumably. But, I don't know what we're doing with— are we combining morning and lunch? Are we…
Keith: Well. Because we weren't sure what we were doing when we started that last scene, and it did feel sort of like my scene?
Austin: Yeah.
Keith: I'm, maybe we could do more scenes from morning, and then be like, is this morning, or is this morning-lunch.
Austin: Right sure. So let's keep going in morning, because morning is get to work, learn something new, create a plan. We certainly created a plan. Sort of. So, who has another morning, get to work, or learn something new scene.
Art: Well, we should all try to learn something new, but we all sort of did narrate arriving at work already.
Austin: Well I think get to work is do some work, I think it's like get to work!
Art: Get to work. Get to work! That kind of, okay, not like…
Austin: Yeah, yeah. Get to work! Not like, get to work!
Art: Sure, yeah.
Janine: I would, this is… So this is, this is just like a scene that I feel like I should do?
Austin: Mhhm?
Janine: And it feels like I'm gonna want to do it, the earlier the better, 'cause ast he plan develops I'm probably gonna wanna do things in that vein, but I feel like this is also a good moment to get a glimpse of the angry customers? I'd like to do a scene where Catty is taking a family portrait.
Austin: Oh, I love that. Great.
Janine: Uh huh.
Austin: Can we be the family?
Janine: She like gets back from sort of, yes of course, from early lunch. Or like, I guess it's like late breakfast? Like, I think this is also, I wanna say this is the time where like if you're opening, you're probably out the door of your home at like five AM or some shit. You probably don't have time for real breakfast, so, and also during lunch hour, you're probably gonna have a lot of customers, so eat early or eat late, your choice.
Austin: Alright. I am the father. I have a big mustache, and—
Keith: And a bigger head.
Austin: And a bigger head! [Janine laughs] And—
Janine: Most people have heads that are bigger than their mustaches, so!
Austin: And here is the family. The family is my big beautiful wife, Honeybear.
Jack (as Honeybear): Hello.
Austin (as the father): My brilliant daughter, Federati… Ahem, my brilliant daughter, Federati.
Keith (as Federati): Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Austin (as the father): And my beautiful little boy, Muscles.
Art (as Muscles): Hey there!
Austin (as the father): And we would like, a family photograph.
Janine (as Cattie): Alright.
Jack (as Honeybear): I would like to be standing next to my beautiful husband.
Austin (as the father): Of course, Honeybear. You can, you can center us in your photograph, right?
Janine (as Cattie): Yes, so you want everyone all together, or do you want a portrait of the adults and the children?
Austin (as the father): Well, it's a family photograph!
Janine (as Cattie): Okay! Alright!
Austin (as the father): The whole family!
Jack (as Honeybear): Don't we look like a family?
Austin: Smile. Sorry—
Austin (as the father): Smile, everyone! Gimme the ol' family smile
Keith (as Federati): Cheese.
Art (as Muscles): Cheeeeese!
Janine (as Cattie): Hang on, hang on, hang on.
Jack (as Honeybear): Take the picture!
Janine (as Cattie): Do you want just a normal portrait, or do you want costumes?
Jack (as Honeybear): Oh!
Austin (as the father): Oh.
Art (as Muscles): Costumes!
Janine (as Cattie): We do costumes.
Austin (as the father): What type of costumes do you have?
Jack (as Honeybear): These aren't…
Keith (as Federati): And are they better than the costumes that we brought with us?
Austin (as the father): [chuckles] Unlikely, isn't it?
Janine (as Cattie): I guess I don't know.
Austin (as the father): We'll be right back, we're going to go get into our costumes. You have a changing room, of course?
Janine (as Cattie): Uh… yes, I mean if we have costumes, yes—
Austin (as the father): Clan, follow me!
Austin: And I just step into the back, whatever the back room is, I don't know if there's other cameras back there, or?
Art: It's a dark room.
Janine: It's— there'd be a changing room if they have…
Austin: [laughs] It's a dark room… Yeah, sure.
Janine: I'm picturing like, those really tacky like, here's a cowboy costume, here's a whatever like.
Keith: I've absolutely been in one of those when I was three.
[Austin laughs]
Janine: Yeah. They did shit like that back then too.
Austin: Alright, here's what I want family. We all write down privately what our costume is that we brought.
Janine: Oh, good!
Art: How do we do this with this?
Janine: And then put it in chat at the count of five?
Art: Oh, okay.
Austin: And we put it in chat at the count of five, I'm not ready yet!
Keith: In the roll20.
Art: Wait, I'm not ready either.
Austin: None of us are ready.
Jack: I'm not ready yet, I need to figure it out, hold on.
Keith: Yeah, which chat, the roll20 chat or the?
Austin: The roll20 chat, the roll20 chat.
Jack: And then are you gonna announce our costumes, Austin?
Austin: No, you're gonna announce, you're gonna describe— in fact, hoo.
Janine: Okay, how about… a thing I… How about I also do a list of like, I'm gonna type in a couple things that I think are available in that room? [Jack laughs] And then if anyone wants a buyout, then.
Austin: I think we should just, we should have our own— I want the ones that the family brought with them first.
Janine: Okay! Alright.
Austin: Only because the idea that we, at some point this family said we should bring our costumes to the shore, [laughter] and did not decide to connect them at all.
Janine: Y'know, your costume.
Austin: Yeah.
[Keith laughs]
Janine: Just bring your costume. It's like saying bring your dress. Just bring your dress!
Austin: Uh huh.
Keith: Ready.
Art: I'm also ready.
Jack: I'm nearly there.
Austin: I'm, I'm…
Janine: Don't be afraid of getting very specific.
Austin: Yeah.
Jack: Yeah, okay. I'm, I think I'm…
Austin: I think I'm good.
Janine: Everyone good?
Jack: Nearly! Okay, good.
Austin: Alright.
Janine: Count to three and then go?
Austin: Yeah.
Janine: Three, two, one, go. [laughter] Okay.
Austin: Okay!
Janine: Let's read 'em off in order! Keith!
Keith: A vicious grizzly bear, mid kill.
[Austin laughs]
Janine: I want a— I want you to describe the daughter walking out.
Austin: I need description, yeah.
Janine: What was her name? Federal? Federati?
Austin: Federati.
Keith: Federati.
Austin: [laughing] Yeah.
Keith: Federati comes out in a giant matted suit of a grizzly bear that is totally engulfing her, the head, I mean it is true to life of a, y'know, five hundred pound bear. And it has a jaw and sort of the chest fluff area is drenched in a sort of fake blood syrup. Bright red.
Janine: Fresh or dried?
Keith: Disgustingly red.
Janine: Did she apply it in there, or is it part of the, is it like?
Keith: It's dripping on the floor, yeah. And—
Janine: Oh.
Keith: And carrying in one paw, is the sort of, is the like, white-tailed deer prop that looks to be a fully taxidermied deer carcass.
Janine: Eugh!
Keith: Yeah.
Austin (as the father): I love my little girl.
Austin: Pull back the curtain and step out with all of the, the pomp, all of the, the nobility you can, I can muster. Wearing the regular beach clothes that I have, I think I have on a, a one-piece swimsuit, but under that is the best, the best fur you can buy in the year 1900, I have the body of a wolf, if the wolf was standing up on its hind legs, claws and big furry belly and all that. I guess you can't see the belly under the one-piece swimsuit. And then on my head, you can see the, the monstrous visage of a wolf. I am a werewolf. But it doesn't stop there. Because as I twist and twirl back into the main space, you can see that I'm wearing a pretty stereotypical red velvet cape, with the sort of white and black trim, when I say a king, a king's cape, it's that one.
Keith: With an ermine sort of collar?
Austin: With an ermine sort of collar, yeah yeah yeah, and then, a massive crown, I am the werewolf king, here, and I also have a scepter, probably, I think I must have a scepter.
Austin (as the father): It's a prop! It's not a real scepter, it's a prop scepter!
Keith (as Federati): It is a real scepter…
Janine: Okay, that's good.
Austin (as the father): No, it's a prop.
Keith (as Federati): No? Oh. It's so heavy!
Austin (as the father): Yes, well.
Art (as Muscles): You've gotta say it's not a real scepter or they'll come after you.
Austin (as the father): That's right, Honeybear.
Austin: Or are you— you're Honeybear right?
Jack: No, hang on.
Austin: Or are you Muscles? You're Muscles!
Jack: Muscles! Muscles.
Keith: No, I'm Honeybear.
Austin: No, you're Federati!
Keith: Oh, okay.
Austin (as the father): Sorry, the crown, it's tight around my head, I can't quite— and the furry mask, it's hard to see.
Keith (as Federati): It's a prop crown, it's not a real crown.
Janine (as Cattie): Is the crown real or is the crown fake too?
Austin (as the father): No, this is a prop crown, of course. Real cape!
Keith (as Federati): No yeah of course, a real crown would fit better.
Janine (as Cattie): Right, yeah.
Austin (as the father): Real cape, yes of course.
Jack: Behind the curtain, uh, Honeybear says "Please rise for the president!" [Austin laughs] And out she comes, dressed neatly as— [Austin starts humming Hail to the Chief]
Jack (as Honeybear): Thank you, honey! Thank you honey! He's so good!
Jack: You know, like the, the staunch widow's peak and starched collar of former president William Henry Harrison!
Keith: Good old Tippecanoe.
[Austin laughs]
Janine: Uh huh.
Austin: Oh god.
Jack (as Honeybear): And where's our little boy Muscles? Are you back there, Muscles?
Art (as Muscles): [to the tune of Beethoven's 5th symphony] Of course I am, of course I am. [laughter, clapping] Of course I am…
Jack (as Honeybear): Is that the Fifth I hear? [laughter continues]
Austin (as the father): Is that? Muscles, did you bring your…? Could it be?
Art: Muscles— [laughs] Muscles steps out from the curtain, wearing a double breasted suit, a vest, a kerchief, a wide collar, and a wild haired wig, with face covered in white powder in the way that only a small child could apply white powder on their own face in thirty seconds or whatever it was. It's everywhere. It's on the clothes, it's… the effort to make it get on the hands means it's just also just handprints on the thing? This is Beethoven's ghost.
[0:30:18]
Keith (as Federati): Another haunting visage from my good brother Muscles.
Austin (as the father): Oh yes, I'm, I'm so glad that we could have such a range of… cost— costumes, here today.
Keith: I especially, I love— I mean, I'm sure that there's a reason for this, but I like that Jack even knows who president William— William Henry Harrison is, considering he was only president for three months.
[Jack laughs]
Austin: Me too. For like a month or something right, yeah!
Janine: I know who he is but only 'cause of the Simpsons.
Austin: Ah, there you go.
Jack: Ah, oh!
Austin (as the father): You know, it does me good to see the whole family together, I have to say, Honeybear, that when I saw the visage of, William Henry Harrison, it almost made me cry, so much do, do I… do I wish his time in, in the presidency could've gone longer. But the whole family together has— [sighs] has healed me of this wound. And now I am ready for the photog— for the photography to happen.
Jack (as Honeybear): What's your name, madam?
Janine (as Cattie): Uh, I'm, I'm Miss Pontecorvo.
Jack (as Honeybear) Mm, and where would you like us to uh, to stand, and, and, I'm sure that you can guess the theme, so you arrange us how you'd like.
Janine (as Cattie): Okay, um… Well, if I could please get uh, William Henry Harri— sorry, President William Henry Harrison.
Jack (as Honeybear): Thank you, thank you. Hello?
Janine (as Cattie): And the werewolf king seated together…
Austin (as the father): Yes?
Janine (as Cattie): On the settee?
Austin (as the father): Oh, yes. Very proper.
Janine (as Cattie): And you'll see—
Keith (as Federati): Mother, did you bring your John Tyler puppet?
Jack (as Honeybear): Shit! I left my John Tyler puppet!
[Keith laughs]
Austin (as the father): Do you have a John Tyler puppet in stock that we could use to borrow, perhaps we could lease it from you?
Janine: Hang on, I have to— I have to, I have to um…
Austin: Uh huh? You have to find a? A puppet of?
Janine: Well that's not helpful! I was hoping he had like a, he's just some guy.
Austin: They're all just some guy, truly.
[Keith laughs]
Janine (as Cattie): We can tie a really thick ribbon around the neck of a normal puppet?
Jack (as Honeybear): Excellent! Yes!
Austin (as the father): It looks just like the John Tyler puppet you have at home, this is magnificent work!
Jack (as Honeybear): If anything, better than the puppet I have at home, Miss Ponticorvo, I have to say, despite coming in expecting to be an angry customer, me and my family are only extremely impressed by your work so far! You'd better not blow it!
Keith (as Federati): [growls loudly]
Janine (as Cattie): [laughs nervously] Yes, fantastic.
Austin (as the father): Yes, exactly!
Janine (as Cattie): Okay. So the werewolf king and the president are seated on the settee. If I could get Beethoven's ghost to sit on this uh, you see this sort of ottoman footstool pouf thing? If I could have that—
Art (as Muscles): You're gonna have to speak up, I started losing my hearing later in life.
[Keith laughs]
Austin (as the father): Very good! Very good, Muscles, yes.
Janine (as Cattie): It's method, that's really cool. Um. Okay.
Janine: I think Cattie like just moves the, the, footstool over and sets that out. Pulls out a tiny, like a tiny doll's chair for the puppet to sit on.
Jack: Thank you!
Janine: And then, alright, and then… What was the… Feder…?
Austin (as the father): Federati!
Janine (as Cattie): Federati, I was gonna say Federina! [laughs]
Austin (as the father): No!
Janine (as Cattie): Sorry, Federati!
[Jack laughs]
Austin (as the father): A weakling's name!
Janine (as Cattie): That's true. Federati—
Austin (as the father): Not like my…
Keith (as Federati): Please, don't be extremely insulting.
[laughter]
Janine (as Cattie): Federati, if I could have you standing behind the settee with your, with your arms up fiercely? You could even maybe put the deer over the back of the settee if you want it to be seen, I'm not sure if it's, y'know.
Keith (as Federati): [growls loudly]
Austin (as the father): It must be seen.
Janine (as Cattie): Mhm, okay.
Austin (as the father): It was a victim. She killed it with her teeth.
Keith (as Federati): [snorts]
Austin (as the father): After a vigorous hunt!
Keith (as Federati): [roars loudly]
Austin (as the father): Yes.
Janine (as Cattie): It's interesting 'cause I, when I saw the first two I was like, oh is this, are these guys, is this a family of hunters? That's pretty cool, and now I'm not so sure, but I appreciate the variety.
Keith (as Federati): I abhor guns.
Austin (as the father): That's right.
Janine (as Cattie): Hm.
Austin (as the father): Coward's weapon.
Jack (as Honeybear): Teeth is the way to go, isn't it, son!
Austin (as the father): All the great wars had been won with teeth.
Keith (as Federati): Teeth are a giant knife.
[laughter]
Jack (as Honeybear): Yes, that's right!
Austin (as the father): That's the Neighbor family motto, isn't it?
Art (as Muscles): Quite right, quite right.
Jack (as Honeybear): That's the Neighbor family motto, yes, quite right, quite right!
Keith (as Federati): Victory by teeth, or by a giant knife!
Jack (as Honeybear): And teeth are a giant knife.
Janine: Cattie is quietly setting up the camera equipment.
Austin (as Mr. Neighbor): Could you put that on the photograph, please?
Janine (as Cattie): Teeth are a giant knife?
Jack (as Honeybear): Yes.
Keith (as Federati): Yes.
Art (as Muscles): Yes.
Janine (as Cattie): Okay. We can, we can type that in.
Austin (as Mr. Neighbor): Are, not or, I want to make sure you heard us correctly, teeth are a giant knife!
Janine (as Cattie): Yes. [Keith laughs] Yeah. There's really no comparison, so it couldn't be or. No one would ever choose a giant knife over teeth.
Austin (as Mr. Neighbor): Well.
Jack (as Honeybear): What an excellent photographer you are, child!
[laughter]
Janine (as Cattie): Thank you very much.
Austin (as Mr. Neighbor): Should we do a pose from this sitting position, or is the sitting a sort of pose? I'm not very up on, photography.
Janine (as Cattie): Well, it does take—
Austin (as Mr. Neighbor): Photography, I believe.
Keith (as Federati): Photography.
Austin (as Mr. Neighbor): Photography.
Janine (as Cattie): It does take a few seconds to get the shot, so we do like letting people sit, just in a comfortable position so you can hold the pose longer.
Jack (as Honeybear): Can I wave?
Janine (as Cattie): However, uh, if you do it extremely slowly.
Austin (as Mr. Neighbor): [sighs] Oh, the way William Henry Harrison waved. I'd only read about it, he was dead before I was born, of course, but I read he waved like the greatest man could!
Janine (as Cattie): How— here's the, how about, what if, this is just a thought, you could wave like a statue of William Henry Harrison would wave.
Austin (as Mr. Neighbor): Oh, the famous waving statue of William Henry Harrison!
Jack (as Honeybear): Oh, the beautiful statue!
Art (as Muscles): We go there every summer! We just came back, actually.
Austin (as Mr. Neighbor): We just arrived back.
Janine: Should I roll to see how good this picture is?
Austin: Oh, I guess so, what is this? Is this corp or cred?
Keith (as Federati): Quick question, what do you do with the heads?
Janine (as Cattie): What?
Keith (as Federati): Do you make them big or keep them small, or?
[laughter]
Janine (as Cattie): Uh, it depends on the individual and what we believe would be the most flattering.
Jack (as Honeybear): Well, because of course, as a family, we are very particular! Would you like to know which?
Janine (as Cattie): Yes!
Keith (as Federati): Guess! Guess our preference! [laughs]
Jack (as Honeybear): Guess!
Austin (as Mr. Neighbor): Guess! It is a game!
Jack (as Honeybear): Guess! Guess! Guess!
Austin (as Mr. Neighbor): But you better get it right.
Jack (as Honeybear): [coyly] We're not telling!
[laughter]
Art (as Muscles): Until we pick up the photos! [laughs]
[more laughter]
Janine: Is this a roll?
Austin: Oh, this is a roll!
Janine: Is this my roll?
Austin: This is a roll!
Janine: Okay, how do I roll, what am I doing?
[laughter]
Jack: You're taking a photo for some weirdos.
Keith: [desperately] We're never gonna finish this game!
Art: This is gonna go for years!
Austin: Our new campaign, everybody!!
Janine: So I have both three cred and three corp. I, I would say this is corp.
Austin: Yeah, you're trying to do good work.
Janine: Keeping these weirdos happy is deeply corp.
Austin: Yeah, you're trying to do good work, impress a customer, deal with management, or follow the rules, you're trying to impress a customer.
Janine: Yeah. So, but how—
Austin: So you're starting to roll— it's, you're rolling… 1d6? Let's see.
Janine: Is it two because my background is all photography stuff? I'm good at photo stuff?
Austin: Oh, right.
Jack: Oh shit it is, yeah.
Austin: Yes, it is two, yes. You're not getting help, unfortunately.
Janine: No.
Keith: That would be cheating!
Janine: The opposite, even.
[Jack and Austin laugh]
Austin: So yes, it's two, you're trying to roll under the stat to succeed.
Janine: Okay. I got a, I got two fives! So I did not, it's not under.
Austin: Oh buddy. If it's greater than the stat you fail, describe how things go wrong, if you rolled a six, things are much much worse, you did not roll a six at least.
Janine: No. Uh, how did I roll two, that's, man. Okay.
Austin: Uh huh.
Janine: How does this go bad?
Austin: Did you fail—
Janine: Uh, the puppet falls over. The puppet falls over and everyone rushes to save the puppet from hitting the ground?
Austin: That's not, that's not us failing. Or that's not you failing. Or, who said wait?
Jack: No, I just said quick, I was about to make a dash for John Tyler, but.
Austin: Oh, I see.
Janine: I guess, I guess—
Keith: It's ahistorical!
[Austin laughs]
Janine: I guess the other failure choice is that like, I pick wrong. I decide that they want their heads bigger, and then they come back to get their photo and it's like, we wanted small heads!
Austin: Is it funnier if the puppet falls, though?
Janine: I personally think it's funnier if the puppet falls? But then it's a little bit like…
Austin: Why don't we just retake the photo? Right?
Janine: Uh, 'cause they rush off to fix the puppet, I don't know.
Austin: Right. Oh… The puppet falls and—
Janine: [gasps] They rush out to take the puppet to the Salts! Not the Salts, sorry, the, the Guppy, the Guppies.
Jack: Oh!
Janine: Wait. Yeah.
Austin: Oh, the Guppies, to repair it.
Janine: Yeah. Yeah.
Austin: Yes.
Janine: Cause they feel so bad about the puppet being busted.
Austin: The puppet falls, the ribbon falls off, and with it the head. And it breaks on the ground.
Janine: God. Devastating.
[someone gasps]
Austin: Drop to my knees. The tears won't stop coming.
Janine (as Cattie): Oh dear.
Jack (as Honeybear): Husband, husband, it's only fake! It's only a fake puppet!
Jack: Waving at the camera as though the photo's still being taken.
[Janine and Austin laugh]
Keith (as Federati): It should've been you, mother, historically it should've been you!
[Janine laughs]
Jack (as Honeybear): Historically it should've been me! [in tears] And now that I think about it this makes it even worse!
Austin (as Mr. Neighbor): Now who will support state's rights! [Keith laughs] If not John Tyler!
Jack (as Honeybear): Do you want me to wave faster? I can wave faster if it will help with the picture!
Austin (as Mr. Neighbor): Keep waving, Honeybear!
Janine: Oh, god.
Keith (as Federati): Who is going to get kicked out of the Whigs now!
[Austin laughs]
Art (as Muscles): This is a dark day for the country!
Austin (as Mr. Neighbor): What ever will we do? We have to see to this.
Jack (as Honeybear): We have to see to this right now! Beethoven! Pick up the puppet! Muscles! Pick up the puppet's head! My dear husband— [stammers] continue to weep.
Austin (as Mr. Neighbor): I will hold the ribbon! I will hold it, I can do it!
Janine: Beethoven is Muscles.
Art: Yeah! [laughs]
Janine: I think.
Jack: Oh shit, you're right.
Art: Picks up the puppet and in the other hand—
[laughter]
Austin: Wipes the powder off the other hand!
Art: Yeah!
Janine: With this hand I am Beethoven, with this hand I am Muscles.
Austin: I am Muscles! Hey I'm Muscles, how's it going!
Jack (as Honeybear): Is there anywhere— [laughter] Is there anywhere we can take, take this poor puppet?
Janine (as Cattie): I— I mean it's, I can, I can fix it, it's fine.
Austin (as Mr. Neighbor): No!
Austin (as Cattie): We should take this picture again to make sure it turns out.
Keith (as Federati): We could not trouble you.
Jack (as Honeybear): No! No. We trust that—
Austin (as Mr. Neighbor): You've already done so much!
Jack (as Honeybear): You've already done so much, and we have broken your puppet, and besides, we know that the picture you take— [laughs] The picture you took in our moment of collapse will be beautiful!
Art (as Muscles): And the heads'll be the right size! Which is to say, very big.
Austin (as Mr. Neighbor): [distraught] Please make— make the puppet's head as big as you can! [Jack and Janine laugh] Because it will be the last time that we'll see his beautiful visage! Complete! [sniffs]
Janine (as Cattie): I… I guess you could take it to the Guppies…
Austin (as Mr. Neighbor): Right!
Keith (as Federati): To the ocean?
Janine (as Cattie): No—
Austin (as Mr. Neighbor): We send it into the sea!
[Jack laughs]
Janine (as Cattie): No!
Keith (as Federati): Cast off, a proper viking's funeral!
Janine (as Cattie): I don't think those are legal here.
Austin (as Mr. Neighbor): For the viking of America, John Tyler!
Janine (as Cattie): [laughs] Okay! Oh… No, it's a, they're the inventors, they have a stall near the beach.
Jack (as Honeybear): Oh.
Janine (as Cattie): They can, they can probably fix it if you really, if you—
Austin (as Mr. Neighbor): Oh!
Keith (as Federati): Oh!
Art (as Muscles): He would invent for us an unkillable puppet!
Jack (as Honeybear): An unkillable puppet, my son!
Janine (as Cattie): Well…
Austin (as Mr. Neighbor): An immortal puppet!
Janine (as Cattie): I don't know if… if they can do that, I…
Austin (as Mr. Neighbor): Eternal like the country itself.
Janine (as Cattie): Yes…
Keith (as Federati): Miss Pontecorvo, next photograph, I'm dressing up like you!
[Jack and Janine laugh]
Janine (as Cattie): Okay, but you're gonna need way less powder.
Art (as Muscles): And I will be every puppet who ever died before we discovered puppet immortality!
[Austin and Keith laugh]
Austin (as Mr. Neighbor): Such a high concept! Such a high concept costume, my good son!
Jack (as Honeybear): He's so smart!
Austin (as Mr. Neighbor): Both of our children, we are blessed, Honeybear!
Jack (as Honeybear): Both of our children, blessed, blessed with beautiful children! [Austin and Keith laugh] Now, I will dress as William Henry Harrison again.
Austin (as Mr. Neighbor): And I will continue to be the werewolf king! Onward, family. To the stand, or the stall, or the, the Guppies!
Austin: And I open the door for us all, and we leave.
Jack: In a big row, what are these fucking weirdos called, the Neighbor family?
Austin: Yeah, I've written the Neighbor family, and my name is Willam "Big" Neighbor. Big is my nickname. [Jack laughs] It's from the, the English William. It's an abbreviation of William.
Janine: You should probably write that on the, on the card.
Austin: Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Yeah we should write these down, you're right. Write down this family name. Alright!
Art: I'm glad we introduced another big subplot into this. [laughter] I thought it was a little lean!
Janine: Well the good news is is that picture's gonna turn out terribly, and there's no way they're gonna pay for it, so.
Austin: Yeah, yeah.
Jack: I love that we started by introducing angry customers and instead found… these fucking weirdos!
[Austin laughs]
Keith: [laughing] These absolute freaks!
Jack: Who seem to be having a pretty good time.
Austin: Well maybe we're about to get angry at the Guppies instead!
[Keith and Jack laugh]
Janine: Is this the definition of the exceptions that prove the rule?
Austin: Yeah, maybe, maybe.
Jack: Yeah, maybe!
Janine: Like if they're, if this family are happy…
Austin: Yeah, then every other family…
Janine: And they're extremely weird, then, of course they're the only ones having a good time.
Austin: Yeah, that's…
Jack: This is a real—
Austin: There's other normies who are mad.
Jack: This is a real me reaping, me sowing type situation? Because now they're gonna come meet the Guppies? [Janine laughs] Which means I'm gonna have to deal with them!
[Keith laughs]
Janine: We could always put it in the background if you want to use the scene for something else, but.
Jack: Yeah, that's true.
Austin: This is true.
Jack: Yeah.
Austin: They walk up and say, [in Mr. Neighbor's voice] "We need to see your father immediately! We have a presidential crisis!"
[Keith laughs]
Jack: Okay, where now?
Austin: I don't know.
Jack: Yeah, I think I would— I think I would actually like to go and talk to my dad. Um. Potentially, potentially after the uh, doll, the doll construction. The doll repair? Or maybe during?
[0:45:07]
Austin: How about during the doll repair, yeah. Who's playing Mr. Guppy?
Art: I will!
Austin: Have we had a Mr. Guppy yet? Yeah, there we go.
Jack: Yeah, and I think that after lunch, I think that after lunch, Melinda is filled with a wild and powerful energy?
Austin: Hmm.
Jack: I think that, I think that following that conversation, she's still definitely in a very, in a very particular headspace? So she goes back to the, the shop, which is different from the stall, the shop is like slightly further up the beach, it's maybe like across the street or something, it's not, it's not beach-facing. And this is the big workshop where Mr. Guppy— Do you have a first name, Art?
Art: Marlon.
Jack: Okay, cool! Where, where Marlon works on his latest, his latest and greatest inventions. And I think, y'know, I think that Melinda comes in, and it's clear that something is sort of eating away at her.
Art: Of course, Marlon is working on the immortal puppet. [Keith laughs, muffled, then louder] Y'know, just imagine in your own head what that looks like.
Keith: I think you're, you're implainting some sort of ectoplasmic life juice in its core, I think!
[Austin and Jack laugh]
Art: Mm, whereas I was envisioning some sort of like, super stretchy cord.
Austin: Ahh.
Art: That binds all of the pieces together.
Austin: Right.
Art: Like a, like…
Janine: You're just describing how GI Joes are assembled internally. They have elastic.
Austin: Yeah.
Jack: Oh yeah.
Janine: That's…
Austin: Yeah.
Art: Is that right?
Janine: Or also ball-jointed dolls, yes. That's elastic in there. They are not immortal.
Jack: Oh.
Art: I guess it, I guess it's not gonna work!
Austin: We don't know that!
Art: It's gotta be ectoplasm for sure then!
Janine: You gotta, you gotta replace that elastic every few years, it stretches out.
Jack (as Melinda): Father… have you got a minute?
Art (as Marlon): Of course I do! Come over here by the, by the doll.
Jack (as Melinda): You're making dolls now?
Art (as Marlon): Well, I'm… trying to extend the life of a puppet. A very strange family came in.
Jack (as Melinda): Huh. Okay.
Art (as Marlon): And tasked me with creating an immortal doll.
Jack (as Melinda): Huh. Yeah.
Art (as Marlon): So they didn't have to re-live the tragedy of the death of President Tyler.
Jack (as Melinda): Okay. I don't— I don't really follow this, dad, but. [laughter] Dad… is it… is it wrong to steal?
Art (as Marlon): Yeah, mhm. [loud laughter] I think uh, almost everyone agrees on that, yeah.
Jack (as Melinda): Why?
Art (as Marlon): Oh, because that was someone's thing you stole.
Jack (as Melinda): Yeah, but what if it didn't belong to like, someone? At the time that you stole it? I haven't stolen anything. But what if it didn't belong to someone? Cause like—
Art (as Marlon): Good!
Jack (as Melinda): It's good at that point? To steal?
[Keith and Austin laugh]
Art (as Marlon): No, no, good that you haven't stolen anything yet— what, what's a thing that no one… owns? That you could steal? If no one owns it, then no, I suppose it's not stealing at all.
Jack (as Melinda): Have you ever stolen anything?
Art (as Marlon): No.
Jack (as Melinda): You've never stolen anything?
Art (as Marlon): No, I, I went to school, I studied hard, I went to the invention academy, and then I opened this shop, I never, I never did.
Jack (as Melinda): I do not believe that you've never stolen anything, Dad.
Art (as Marlon): I don't know what to tell you!
Jack (as Melinda): Are you some kind of nerd?
[laughter]
Art (as Marlon): Um. I wasn't gonna… I wouldn't say it like— I run an inventions shop?
[Austin laughs]
Jack (as Melinda): Would you—
Art (as Marlon): I'm currently trying to make a puppet that can't die. [Austin laughs harder] These are things nerds do is what I'm— yes, uh huh.
[Janine laughs]
Jack (as Melinda): Have you ever wanted to steal something?
Art (as Marlon): Of course!
Jack (as Melinda): 'Cause that's not— that's not a bad thing, right? To want to steal something?
Art (as Marlon): I mean I'm, I'm not, I'm not an ethicist or anything, but no, probably not?
Jack (as Melinda): And if you really wanna steal something that isn't owned by anybody. It's like, it doesn't, it's not anybody's thing.
Art (as Marlon): I don't, I think you might be right that you, you can't steal something that doesn't belong to anyone, but again I'm really not sure what you're talking about when you say that.
Jack (as Melinda): Like a truck full of watches.
Art (as Marlon): Someone owns that, yeah, uh huh.
[Austin and Keith laugh]
Jack (as Melinda): I don't, I don't—
Art (as Marlon): Whoever paid for the truck probably owns the watches, I think that's…
Jack (as Melinda): I don't think someone can own that many watches, Dad.
Art (as Marlon): There's no legal limit to the number of watches you can own.
[Keith laughs]
Jack (as Melinda): Maybe there should be.
Art (as Marlon): Like— like a watch store has many watches.
Jack (as Melinda): Right, but I'm not robbing from a watch store. Okay, when it gets to the store— [stammers] Listen, Dad, I'm not robbing from anybody. We've established this, right? Right?
Art (as Marlon): We have established— I'm not sure that I believe you at this point, but we have established this, yes.
Jack (as Melinda): So, when they get to the shop, the shop owns them. And when you go to the shop and you buy them, you own them.
Art (as Marlon): Mhm.
Jack (as Melinda): What if you could— what if you could steal them, like before they got to the shop?
Art (as Marlon): I mean, someone owns them in that time—
Jack (as Melinda): I don't think they do!
Art (as Marlon): The watch factory, or the…
Jack (as Melinda): No, I don't think they do.
[Keith laughs]
Art (as Marlon): Um.
Jack (as Melinda): I don't think your math checks out, Dad. How can you own it if it hasn't got to the shop yet?
Art (as Marlon): Well, the, some, the shop buys it from someone else.
Jack (as Melinda): Dad, if I was dying.
[Austin laughs]
Art (as Marlon): Yeah. A horrible thought.
Jack (as Melinda): And I said to you, my dying wish is for you to steal a load of watches from a truck, would you, would you steal it?
Art (as Marlon): Um. … I, I really… are you feeling okay?
Jack (as Melinda): What if I was— no, no, I'm just asking you like, if I was dying, Dad—
Art (as Marlon): Yeah.
Jack (as Melinda): And it was like, dying wish. I'm not dying, I'm fine. I'm like, I'm a little tired. But if I was like, [weakly] Dad… before I go, show me you're not a big nerd and steal that whole truck of watches! [normally] Would you do it for your daughter? Would you?
Art (as Marlon): Do you— should we call the doctor?
Jack (as Melinda): No! Would you do it for love, is what I'm saying, Dad.
Austin: Is this a roll? Are you trying to win acceptance from your father of the crime you're about to do?
Jack: [laughs] It might— it might be! I'm trying to, this, to me, the thought of going out and stealing a truck full of watches definitely feels morally wrong? And I'm hoping for some sort of absolution.
Austin: Still, let's roll it. This seems like a cred roll, to me, right? I guess? Or is asking permission to steal a corp roll?
Jack: I'm not even asking permission, right? I'm saying, I'm trying to construct— I'm trying to construct a cosmology in my head in which my dad thinks stealing a truck full of watches is permissible.
Keith: And you're willing to abstract that out as much as you need to.
Austin: Right, but is that doing good work, impressing a customer, dealing with management, or following the rules, or is it fitting in with other employees, doing something sneaky, abusing your power, or breaking the rules?
Keith: I think uh, I think that's a good case for cred, actually.
Janine: I'm gonna say…
Art: I think it's dealing with management.
Keith: Or is it corp? Rolling for corp.
Janine: No, I… look, my feeling on this is definitely, if you say to this, to this guy who's your dad, hey, would, are you sayin stealing is still wrong even if I was dying? That's kind of an abuse of power.
Austin: That's an abuse of power.
Jack: [laughs] Yes, it is.
Janine: There's manipulation there that I don't think really quite fits in with corp.
Jack: I am also trying to do something sneaky, right? There's like a sleight of hand, a very stupid sleight of hand that I'm attempting to perform here. I don't think it fits in with being a scene kid barrel organ fan, though? Remotely?
Austin: No.
Jack: So this is just one d6. No, it's…
Austin: Yeah.
Jack: Yeah. It's 1d6, and I want to roll under four.
Austin: Four. yeah. Pretty good chance.
Jack: Oh!
Austin: Three! That's a success!
Jack: Yes, I rolled a three!
Austin: Right? Yeah yeah yeah. Describe how you get what you want.
Jack (as Melinda): Dad? If I stole 600 watches. You'd still love me, wouldn't you?
Art (as Marlon): Of course I would! I'd love you no matter what.
Jack (as Melinda): Great. Thanks Dad!
[Keith laughs]
Art (as Marlon): Alright. Listen, if you come up with any ideas to make a puppet immortal, you come back here.
Jack (as Melinda): I don't think that's possible, Dad!
Art (as Marlon): Well, I think it might be!
Austin: [laughs] Jack, do you believe that you have found success in chaos or impulsiveness or by breaking the rules?
Jack: I think, I think if we made an argument for rolling cred for that last one, I can't make the argument here. I don't think I'm breaking—
Austin: You're making the rules in some ways.
Jack: In this case, I am asking my dad— yeah.
Austin: Yeah. Fair, okay.
Jack: So I don't think there's a move there. I have, however, morally squared it.
Austin: Speaking of stealing things. Uh, I'm gonna do a scene. Someone can join me— Sank, can you join me for this? I know you've already done a scene this cycle, but.
Keith: Yeah, sure.
Austin: I'm going to try to get a long rope. The longest rope I can. Now I remember I said last time that I was going to go get them somewhere, and I don't remember where. I think I said—
Keith: You wanted to get four medium long ropes instead of one mega long rope, is basically…
Austin: Right. Do you remember where I was getting them from? I remember it being a shop of some sort.
Keith: There's just a chicken wing down here, I don't know.
Austin: I don't know. Yeah, so we're gonna get it from the chicken wing stand, is my guess?
Jack: Yeah, I don't remember why there's chicken wings out there?
Austin: We're gonna go to the chicken wing shop that's off the boardwalk by a block. So it's like where there's like, dirt roads and stuff, y'know?
Keith: Mhm. Maybe there's a boating store?
Austin: That's a good idea, a boating store. Yeah, let's do that, let's do… Hellmann sister's boating store.
Keith: And we're just gonna walk into a chicken wing stand and say do you guys have four hundred yards of rope?
Austin: Yes! Alright, so we're gonna go to the Hellmann Sisters Boating Shop—
Keith: And Mayonnaise Emporium.
Austin: And, no that hasn't happened yet.
Keith: Oh, okay.
Austin: They haven't gotten to that yet. That, that's in the future. That can't be the future— Hellmann's must already exist, right? When did that start?
Jack: Not in Bluff City! Actually…
Austin: I guess not. 1913, it hasn't happened yet!
Keith: Wow, they're right on the cusp of perfecting their recipe!
Jack: Oh wow! 1913?
Austin: Yeah, this dude's alive, yeah yeah yeah… Uh huh!
Art: Do you know in the west that they don't have Hellmann's?
Austin: Do they have Best Foods, is that the same thing?
Art: They have Best Foods, yeah.
Austin: Yeah, so this, 1903, Richard Hellmann emigrated from Prussia to New York City, 1904 he married Margaret Vossberg, whose parents owned a deli, and then he opened a deli, and that's where he made mayonnaise, ready-made mayonnaise, in 1905, so it has not happened yet.
Keith: Oh. Enormously, unfairly maligned sauce.
Austin: I don't like it very much, but that's fine.
Keith: It's a king— it's the king sauce.
Austin: I'm not here to… it's not maligned, it's incredibly popular, are you kidding me? It's mayonnaise.
Keith: I think it's— it's both, I think it's both, it's one of the things that's both? Where like everyone's— it's super popular but everyone's like, fucking mayonnaise is gross.
Austin: Hellmann's— what do you think Hellmann's is worth?
Keith: [sighs] Thirty… eight billion dollars.
Austin: Okay. That's… y'know. Let's see. Oh this is the wrong Hellmann's, this is a private equity firm!
[laughter]
Keith: Okay, 380 billion dollars.
Janine: Do they also make mayonnaise?
Austin: I'm trying to see if they also make mayonnaise. No, not connected to the mayonnaise company, it explicitly says that! [Keith laughs] Which is extremely…
Janine: They will promise to get you the sauce, but…
Austin: Yeah, yes, exactly.
Art: They are, funnily enough, connected to Best Foods, it's a weird…
Austin: Yeah. Oh well, Hellmann's is owned by Unilever, so the number cannot have a cap, unfortunately, right?
Keith: Yeah.
Austin: 67 billion assets, in assets.
Keith: [whistles] Wow.
Austin: So. In euros! So higher, actually!
Keith: I think when I said 38, I think there was a vibe that was like, that's too high, but.
Austin: Yeah.
Keith: Turns out I was off by thirty billion less.
Austin: Yeah. it's 78 billion USD. So. Anyway. Jesus Christ. So yeah, we're going to the Hellmann Sisters Boating Emporium. And I, I don't know how I'm gonna get this rope, 'cause I don't think we have money. Um. Does anyone wanna play the Hellmann sisters?
Janine: I'll play a Hellmann sister.
Austin: Okay.
Jack: I'll play another Hellmann sister.
Austin: Great… ding ding ding, walk into the boating shop.
Austin (as Eloise): Ah, um. Hello.
Austin: Looking around for rope.
Austin (as Eloise): Um… do you have rope?
Keith (as Sank): Excuse me?
Austin (as Eloise): Hello?
Keith (as Sank): Hello?
Austin (as Eloise): Is anyone here?
Keith (as Sank): It smells like eggs in here, what is that scent? [Austin laughs] It's salty, vinegary… It's, it's oily…
[Art and Jack laugh]
Jack: It's eggy…
Keith (as Sank): I've never smelled anything like that!
Janine: Jack, did you have like a bit you were thinking of doing specifically that you were waiting for me to start a thing?
Jack: Here's the thing— no, I was just gonna be a supporting secondary sister. I was just gonna be there to be an additional sister.
Janine: I was also thinking similarly!
Jack: Oh we both— [laughs]
Austin: Ah, well.
Jack: Ah well! I think you—
Austin (as Eloise): Sank, I don't think anyone's here!
Jack: You were the sister that picked first, Janine, you have to be lead sister, I'm afraid.
Keith: Hey, you could just be two sisters that both think the other sister is the lead sister, that's a kind of…
Janine: I was just gonna pitch that this argument is actually happening in the back.
Austin: Yeah, uh huh!
Janine (as Hellmann sister 1): Like, you're the lead sister, you go out there, you do it, I don't wanna do it, I'm working on the, I'm working on the sauce.
Jack (as Hellmann sister 2): Fine, okay, don't…
Janine (as Hellmann sister 1): I can't leave it unattended.
Jack (as Hellmann sister 2): Yes. Don't let anybody see it again! Remember what happened last time? It nearly got stolen, and it's not ready yet. I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound sharp, but this is really, this is gonna, this is gonna make our fortune, I really think you're onto something.
[1:00:03]
Janine (as Hellmann sister 1): I know, I know, it's fine.
Jack (as Hellmann sister 2): Okay, so you want me to go and, and see what these weirdos want?
Janine (as Hellmann sister 1): Yeah. Go see what they… go see what they want.
Jack (as Hellmann sister 2): Yeah, okay. [to Eloise and Sank] Um, hello?
Austin: When you come out I'm just covered in ropes. I'm buried under rope.
Keith (as Sank): Smells almost… too oily.
Jack (as Hellmann sister 2): Woah! Woah! Hey! Who are you?
Austin (as Eloise): Um, I think I have too much! Take it off, please? Please please please?
Jack (as Hellmann sister 2): An adult that's wearing—
Keith (as Sank): I'm helping, I'm helping I'm helping I'm helping!
Austin (as Eloise): It's too hea— [sighs]
Jack (as Hellmann sister 2): Okay. Why did you put all that rope on you?
Keith (as Sank): We're here to have it. We're here to take it.
Austin (as Eloise): We'd like to have the rope, please.
Jack (as Hellmann sister 2): Why do you want, why… oh! For boats?
Keith (as Sank): …Yes.
Austin: Hey, I have a question about the Hellmann sisters, did you steal this shop? Cause it sounds like you don't know anything about running a store!
[Keith laughs]
Jack (as Hellmann sister 2): You, you want the? For the, right cause this is a boating shop! Yes. [Austin and Janine laugh] You… want to buy the ropes. Yes.
Austin (as Eloise): We'd like to have the ropes, yes.
Keith (as Sank): Are you, are you cooking something unctuous back there?
Jack (as Hellmann sister 2): No.
Janine (as Hellmann sister 1): [loudly] No!
Jack (as Hellmann sister 2): This is the only room. No.
Austin (as Eloise): Whose voice— is there another…?
Keith (as Sank): Is there a second…
Jack (as Hellmann sister 2): [annoyed] Did you read the sign? It says Hellmann sisters.
Janine (as Hellmann sister 1): Sisters plural!
Keith (as Sank): It took so long for even one to come out.
Austin (as Eloise): We, I was so shocked.
Jack (as Hellmann sister 2): We were… putting together the boat— oh Jesus Christ, okay.
Keith (as Sank): Are you the main sister, or? Cause you seem…
[Austin laughs]
Jack: Before you can say anything, I scuttle back into the back room, and say:
Jack (as Hellmann sister 2): Sister, I'll stir it, I can't do this, you have to go out there.
Janine (as Hellmann sister 1): Okay, okay, okay.
Jack (as Hellmann sister 2): Okay. I'll keep an eye on it.
Janine: I step out. I, I put a picture in Bluff of like, two identical victorian twins who… something about them looks like—
Austin: Oh, they're fake people.
Janine: I'm sure this isn't true—
Jack: Oh, yeah!
Janine: But their dresses to me look like, they're inspired by old timey diving suits?
Jack: Yes they really do!
Austin: Yeah they do!
Janine: Right?
Austin: Yeah, this is fantastic!
Jack: These are the Hellmann sisters.
Art: Those are immortal puppets.
[laughter]
Janine: I googled "victorian twins" and then scrolled down a bit.
Austin: Okay. Yeah there is a tumblr post, wow, this post is incredible! "Photographs of Victorian and Edwardian girls wearing glasses, so cute!" Says godonthemoors, from a year, from a year ago, so that's a thing you can search to find this whole set of photos, including these twins, just sitting here.
Janine: It's pretty good.
Keith: The, the layered sleeves almost look like armor?
Austin: It does look like armor, also. It's like a diving suit, right?
Janine: Yeah, it's, it's fantastic. Anyway.
Art: The glasses make their eyes look fake.
Austin: Yes.
Janine: I'm gonna say that—
Austin (as Eloise): [whispering] That one look the same!
Janine: I'm gonna say that these women look identical, so the thing that she does is she just comes out of the back acting like this is normal, acting like she just went back for a second and then came back and it's the same person.
Keith (as Sank): Didn't you say you're gonna get your sister?
Austin (as Eloise): I thought your sister was coming out…
Keith (as Sank): Yeah.
Janine (as Hellmann sister 1): She's busy.
Keith (as Sank): We don't need the main sister, we can talk to either sister.
Janine (as Hellmann sister 1): Well, good.
Austin (as Eloise): The backup sister would be fine.
Keith (as Sank): Yeah.
Janine (as Hellmann sister 1): Good. Now what can I help you with, what's the problem?
Austin (as Eloise): Rope.
Keith (as Sank): There's a lingering vinegar…
Janine (as Hellmann sister 1): You need rope? Maybe it's you. You need rope?
Keith (as Sank): Yes, we do, sorry—
Austin (as Eloise): Did you say that my friend was vinegary?
Janine (as Hellmann sister 1): I don't know, you only just came here, and you're expecting me to know all of these things about you, you need rope, I'll sell you rope.
Keith (as Sank): Okay. It's for a boat, it's for normal—
Austin (as Eloise): Now wait a second, did you say that Sank was vinegary?
Janine (as Hellmann sister 1): I don't care what it's for.
Keith (as Sank): [quietly] I like vinegar…
Austin (as Eloise): Because I take it— I was just here to buy rope, but now you're insulting a good friend of mine—
Keith (as Sank): It's okay, it's a little vinegary…
Janine (as Hellmann sister 1): We don't need you to buy the rope. We have other irons in the fire if you're not gonna buy our rope.
Keith (as Sank): Is that what that smell is? Is that an iron in the fire?
Austin (as Eloise): Is there an iron in the fire?
Janine (as Hellmann sister 1): Yes.
Keith (as Sank): That smells way too eggy to be an iron in the fire.
Janine (as Hellmann sister 1): How much iron have you put in fires?
Keith (as Sank): Enough.
Austin (as Eloise): You don't know.
Janine (as Hellmann sister 1): Bullshit! I've seen you down at the cards, at the shell swapping game, you don't put iron in fires!
Keith (as Sank): I have a rich life outside my job.
Austin (as Eloise): I might! You don't know, you don't know how candy gets made! You gotta stir it!
Keith (as Sank): Cast iron, over the stove!
Austin (as Eloise): That's right! And you know what, Sank is right, something does smell a little vinegary here!
Keith (as Sank): Right, it smells vinegary like eggs, oil, and salt.
Austin (as Eloise): That's exactly what it smells like!
Keith (as Sank): Yeah!
Austin (as Eloise): It sounds like something I would be grossed out by if I had to see it!
Jack (as Hellmann sister 2): [whispering] Sister, get back in here! Sister!
Janine: [laughs] She goes back…
Jack (as Hellmann sister 2): [whispering] What the hell are you doing, they're onto us!
[laughter]
Janine (as Hellmann sister 1): They're only on— it's not, look. Just—
Jack (as Hellmann sister 2): And they're buying the rope? This is a complete setup! They've come back, and they want the recipe!
[Austin laughs]
Janine (as Hellmann sister 1): It's okay.
Jack (as Hellmann sister 2): They sent children this time, what are we gonna do!
Austin: Ding ding ding ding ding! At the counter.
Janine (as Hellmann sister 1): One second! Hang on, hang on, I have to—
Austin (as Eloise): It smells like there's something gooey back there, something you could spread?
[Art laughs]
Keith (as Sank): And it smells like it could use citrus!
Janine (as Hellmann sister 1): What?
Austin (as Eloise): A little lemon would go a far way.
Keith (as Sank): Yeah.
Jack (as Hellmann sister 2): What— they, they're onto us! What're you gonna do?
Janine (as Hellmann sister 1): I— look, look, look. Just, you just do— I'll figure it out.
Janine: And then she, going back out front.
Jack (as Hellmann sister 2): Don't let them get— come back here!
Janine (as Hellmann sister 1): Oh, they won't. [Austin laughs] Listen. Listen. I need you guys to keep this to yourselves, because if you don't keep this to yourselves, you're going to just, you're gonna bomb the entire fuckin operation here. There's been… a lot of difficulty.
Austin: My eyes go wide when you curse.
Janine (as Hellmann sister 1): There's been a lot of difficulty getting salad dressing out here this season. Okay? And there's a lot of reasons for it, you're kids, you wouldn't understand, it's a lot of adult stuff, a lot of the, a lot of the production lines for the oil and the herbs and stuff are all, they're all messed up. For obvi— I mean, look around, you can see why, I don't need to explain it even if you are kids, I— so, we've been mixing up just some, just some basic, y'know, some vinaigrettes and things like that for the hospitality industry. However, if it was known that this was happening, then it might, it might sour the relations with the providers normally, with the normal salad dressing providers, it could cause a whole thing, we're just trying to keep it quiet while we make completely normal salad dressing for the hotels, for the restaurants, it's fine, you don't need to worry about it, do you want to buy rope or not?
Austin (as Eloise): Give us the rope.
Keith (as Sank): Yeah. We'll take it for the— our silence for the rope. And I won't tell anyone about the egg. As if there would ever be egg yolk in a vinaigrette, I can smell it clearly. This is like 90 percent egg yolk.
Janine (as Hellmann sister 1): Again, I think this might just be a you thing.
Keith (as Sank): Okay, prove it. Show us the bowl.
Austin (as Eloise): Are you saying my friend Sank smells like an egg?
Keith (as Sank): Yeah, cause I don't smell like an egg, I smell like vinegar, I smell like onion pickles.
Janine (as Hellmann sister 1): I'm just saying… Some people— what?
Keith (as Sank): I smell like onion pickles and I know it! And I know I don't smell like an egg yolk.
Janine (as Hellmann sister 1): Okay, hang on, you just admitted to smelling vinegary, and you were mad at me earlier for saying you smelled vinegary?
Keith (as Sank): No, no. That, I admitted to it right away. I do smell vinegary, I know.
Austin (as Eloise): The point is—
Janine: She looks angrily over at Meli— sorry, at Eloise.
Austin (as Eloise): The point is, I think if you give us the ropes, we'll get out of your hair, and we'll stop talking about whatever sort of egg goo you're making. And we won't tell anybody.
Austin: [in Eloise's voice] And I'm gonna make a roll to see if you agree.
[Janine laughs]
Keith (as Sank): Yeah, or we could tell a lot of people.
Austin (as Eloise): Right.
Austin: I don't think this is slack off or nerd slash tryhard, but I do think, I do think Sank is helping me, so I think i could get two dice. This is cred, right?
Keith: This, uh… I don't know, I think this is definitely not… playing by the rules.
Austin: Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Keith: We're extorting the rope.
Austin: Yeah, that's, that's cred. Not corp, right?
Keith: Oh sorry, did I just misunderstand what you said? Okay.
Janine: Yeah.
Austin: Yeah, cred is breaking the rules or abusing your power, et cetera.
Keith: Got it.
Austin: Alright, I have to roll under a two, this is a nightmare.
Janine: Uh huh!
Austin: So. Not very— Eloise is not good at blackmail.
Janine: You're getting help, though.
Austin: Oh!
Janine: Well. Does two count?
Austin: I got equal! Equal to the stat, things get complicated, describe a messy situation! [Keith laughs] What your success costs you—
Keith: I can think of one thing!
Austin: Or how you need to compromise, what're you thinking of, Sank?
Keith: I think a glob of mayonnaise explodes out of the kitchen in the back, and into the front, and onto the people!
Janine: How, what?
Keith: It said messy!
Austin: You overheated it! It said messy.
Keith: There's a very clear mess available to us.
Janine: Ah.
Austin: Yeah. Do we just—
Jack: "Fuck!" From the back room.
[Austin laughs]
Keith: Stirring— it's stirring too vigorously because of nerves.
Austin: right.
Keith: Caused a flung, y'know, glob of mayonnaise.
Austin: Completely covered. Grab the ropes. Begin to, just immediately break out into a run, out the front door with all the ropes, and I think here is the double complication is, how do we pronounce this mall cop's name? Hanke?
Janine: Hank Crystal?
Austin: Hank Crystal? It's Hank? Yeah, I guess so.
Janine: I think it's Han-ke? Or Henke?
Austin: Hanke… Henke? Henke Crystal.
Janine: I don't know.
Keith: Hunka Crystal.
Austin: Hunka Crystel. Uh, sees us running away with all these ropes, and smells the mayo on us, giving him a very obvious odor to track as this story continues, but we do get away with the ropes. I'm crying, Eloise is crying covered in hot mayo.
[Keith laughs]
Janine: Ew.
Keith: Why is it hot!
Austin: I don't know!
[Jack laughs]
Janine: I don't think it gets cooked!
Austin: Cause it exploded!
Janine: I think it's, I think it's, isn't it a cold process?
Keith: It is a cold, yeah.
Jack: We're still trying to figure out the recipe, sister!
Austin: Then how did it explode— yeah, exactly!
Janine: That's what I was asking, I was like, how's it exploding? Through a door?
Keith: Just, extremely vigorous nervous stirring.
Janine: I mean here's the thing, I don't know that they're actually onto mayonnaise. If that's the thing that happens is have they—
Austin: Right.
Janine: What have they done here that's…
Jack: Yes.
[Austin laughs]
Janine: They've like got the basic components of mayonnaise and they were like…
Jack: They think they're trying…
Keith: Yeah.
Janine: Yeah, they were like, well this tastes really good cold, but what if we superheated it and then also—
Austin: Superheated it!
Keith: Put it in the eggs.
Janine: Put it in like a pressure cooker for a bit, and like…
Austin: Yeah.
Janine: Carbonated it or something.
[laughter]
Austin: Eugh! Ew!
Jack: Except, this is in a world where mayonnaise doesn't exist, right?
Austin: Right!
Jack: Like, they've managed to invent mayonnaise and then—
Janine: Yeah.
Keith: Yes.
Jack: Moving past the obvious moneymaker, are insisting on refining it.
Keith: A world where mayonnaise wasn't invented in France in the 1700s, but was invented by the Hellmann sisters in a boat, Jack.
[laughter]
Janine: Okay, that was…
Austin: Listen, aioli exists, but mayonnaise? Y'know?
Jack: Also, they're presumably being—
Janine: They're trying to up the mayonnaise game. That's what happened, trying to upgrade it.
Keith: Oh well aioli is many centuries older, I believe.
Jack: Oh, right, right.
Austin: That's what I'm saying, yeah yeah yeah.
Jack: And there are competitors who are trying to, trying to pull one over on the Hellmann sisters.
Austin: Right.
Keith: Well it's such an easier—
Janine: It is very funny that… it's very funny that we defaulted to, oh Hellmann's invented mayonnaise!
[laughter]
Austin: Well, okay, the thing is, the thing that Hellmann— this actually makes sense, is the thing that Hellmann did that made a bunch of money was like, premade, bottled mayonnaise.
Janine: Yeah. yeah, yeah, yeah.
Keith: Right.
Austin: Right? So there's a difference between I can make it at my house, and we can bottle it and sell it, right?
Janine: Yeah.
Keith: Although the revolution of mayonnaise is that egg and oil is a much easier emulsion than egg and garlic.
Austin: Sure. Right. That makes sense.
Keith: I mean sorry— oil and garlic. Not egg and garlic.
Jack: Now however, the Hellmann sisters do want to carbonate it.
Austin: Right. Well like, this is part of the how do we bottle it, and y'know, well they bottle sodas! And that has carbonation, so?
Janine: Yeah!
Jack: They bottle sodas, don't they?
Austin: Maybe the carbonation will make it so that—
Janine: We can get a soda bottling machine, but just pump some mayo through it instead of soda!
Austin: Oh, god. Commercial mayonnaise sold in jars originated in Philadelphia in 1907 apparently, so there you go.
Jack: Huh!
Austin: Yeah. Around the same time as when Hellmann opened the delicatessen featuring the homemade recipe, in salads and then started selling it in wooden boats that were used for weighing butter!
Keith: As for not being ready, I did—
Austin: So there is a boat connection to the Hellmanns, that's very funny!
Janine: That's very funny.
Keith: It is called helm.
Janine: I love the idea of someone… ooh.
Austin: Helm-man. Yeah, sure.
Keith: Yeah.
Janine: I love the idea of someone being like, honey can you get a boat of mayonnaise at the store, please?
[Keith and Austin laugh]
Keith: I did try to work in that there was too much vinegar and that it needed citrus, so, that's my, that is my it's not ready yet sort of…
Jack: Mhm.
Keith: Also I guess Sank Gettliffe has a really good nose?
Austin: Yeah, we've learned this, yeah.
Janine: But also smells like vinegar, which I feel like should cancel it out.
Keith: Maybe I've gotten so used to the smell of pickled onions that sort of all other smells become very transparent.
Austin: Right. I'm going to slide a point back into cred, because I believe that… we, I guess I didn't blow off— I guess this is kind of blowing responsibility, I should be working right now, right?
Janine: Yeah, probably not stealing rope.
Austin: Sorry, sorry. We found success in chaos or impulsiveness or by breaking the rules, so yeah, that's an easy yes to slide it back to three three.
Keith: Yeah, definitely.
Austin: Okay.
Keith (as Sank): Good job back there.
Austin (as Eloise): [sighs] I stink!
Keith (as Sank): Hm. I like it.
Austin (as Eloise): [grossed out] Bye.
Keith (as Sank): I think it would be good on several different kinds of sandwiches, and as a base for many other sauces.
[music begins: “America’s Playground”]
Austin (as Eloise): … I don't agree. As a principle. I gotta go get cleaned up if I can.
Janine: No, you're gonna be like this forever.
Austin: Yeah, out damn spot, but it's the smell of experimental mayonnaise.
