Personal Journal: whatimpropriety
aim: skittle thongs
Characters in Game (previously too): Absolutely none. Zero. The opposite of characters.
Name: Terezi Pyrope
Gender: Canonly, Terezi has no problem referring to herself as a girl. Likewise, I use she/her pronouns for her. Despite all this she is a troll and her concept of gender is not always analogous with humans! Since gender is not really touched upon in Homestuck, I play her somewhere between ‘extremely flexible’ and ‘according to various textual and extrapolated guesses about what being female means to trolls’. This is a long, obnoxious way of saying ‘she is a nonhuman lady who most likely meets her own species’ gender norms’.
Age: ~17 earth years. At the beginning of the story, Terezi is 6 solar sweeps old, but that sweep covers the ages between 13 and ~15.2 in years, and it is never specified where Terezi is within that range. I chose to make her closer to 14 at her appearance so she would be 17 by her most recent canon point.
Genitaila: This (please tell me I don’t have to warn that this link is NSFW).
No I am just playing that is too much awesome for even three games combined. I have adopted the bulge/nook theory of troll genitalia. On Terezi, these organs will appear thusly: She has has a vagina analogue, the nook, and a retractable prehensile clitoris analogue which is hidden under a fun bony sheathe when she is not aroused. (I consider the bulge a clitoris analogue rather than a penis analogue because her bulge does not possess a urethra and she ejaculates through the nook.) This ‘bone bulge’ is between six and seven inches long, nothing fancy, and is fluorescent teal. There are bumpy ridges along the underside, for Her Pleasure. We haven’t figured out whose pleasure that is exactly, but she’ll certainly be delighted when we do.
Canon Point: Act 6, Act 6, Intermission 2, page 8720. CW for blood and implied abuse/violence in that panel.
Picture a girl: she’s fairly short--only five foot two--with grey skin and black hair that sits around two spiked orange horns. She has blue undertones and black lips and sharp, pointy teeth, often bared in a manic grin. Her eyes are burned out pits of red, surrounded by scars and thick, wild lashes. Picture this girl as a talented coordinator, a manipulative mastermind with a penchant for schadenfreude, and an adept fighter whose cunning intelligence is used to enhance her already formidable physical abilities. Continue, if you will, to envision scraped and scarred elbows pointy enough to slit your throat if she tried, unbearably bright clothes hosting a respectable amount of chalk dust, the whhhhkch of a banded walking cane slicing through the air to hammer mercilessly against your shins. This girl is obviously a girl who has her shit together; she’s a bag of nails crammed into a tiny silk pouch capable of all the psychological terrorism you’d expect from someone the size of an adorable kitten’s clawtip.
Now picture this girl unconscious and pantsless in a puddle of drool and soda pop.
You have just accurately envisioned one Terezi Pyrope. Congratulations.
Though the nuances of addictive personality may be present in this hysterical teenage alien, they unfortunately cannot shoulder the full blame for this magical and horrifying transition you’re now being forced to witness. Join us on this journey into hormonal young troll psyche, and be sure to keep your arms and legs inside the oh god I warned you. You have no one to blame for this but yourself.
Though she has many flaws, which will assuredly be covered in great detail, Terezi actually tries decently hard to be a good person. She fails miserably, but she tries. Terezi is well liked and well respected within the troll friend group--less so by the kids, though she does manage to build rapport with them as well. Wielding charisma and a wacky, endearing sense of humour, Terezi manages to accrue a respectable friend group despite having no concept of personal boundaries. She is perpetually flirty and often gets way too personal way too quickly, which deals with her generally invasive demeanor. Nobody holds this against her; they mostly pass it off as her not understanding social niceties due to her upbringing. Her passions include art, studying law books, LARPing, and anything to do with dragons, all of which she consumes with vicious enthusiasm that she sometimes exaggerates for the amusement she gets from weirding people out. One of her greatest shortcomings is how, despite being a friendly person who tries to help her friends and do right by them, Terezi falls into the habit of playing with people like toys.
Terezi started her life with no source of a moral compass. Her guardian, an unhatched dragon, was only able to do so much to care for a learning grub from inside a fucking eggshell. Little is explained about how Terezi survived Alternia’s many trials and dangers without the protection and supervision of a monstrous she-beast, but that can either be chalked up to Terezi being a colossal badass, or the psychic powers held by her lusus, whose albeit limited abilities probably warded off the worst of the dangers without Terezi realizing. Although textbooks do indeed confirm that Terezi is a badass, it is more than likely the psychic dragon had something to do with her survival as well.
Without a lusus to guide her, Terezi made her own morality. If anyone in the audience knows anything about trolls, anything at all, they already know what a horrible fucking idea this is. Terezi is obsessed with the law--or was, before all of her predictably horrible and uninformed decisions lead to the unequivocal destruction of all her staunchly held morals and basically her entire worldview. It goes like this: Terezi once thought herself, a vicious little borderline-sociopathic grub, to be capable of ORCHESTRATING THE DEMISE OF THE WICKED. The capitals make it sound dramatic or something. Under these delusions of grandeur she helped her troll sister, Vriska, slaughter anywhere between hundreds and thousands of young trolls, mostly for shits and giggles. While Terezi had sincerely convinced herself that they were enacting justice, it eventually became evident that Vriska was a lying liar, causing Terezi to break ties with her. Further down the line, when Vriska’s obstinance and hubris threatened to put their entire friend group in jeopardy, Terezi took it upon herself to kill the fuck out of her.
The audience finds it completely shocking that this triggered a dramatic upheaval in her life. It’s like killing someone you loved like a sister is a big deal or something.
The first actual exposure Terezi had to the grey area of Real Justice was when, in a particularly brutal battle of one-upmanship with the then-still living Vriska, she sustained a severe injury that left her completely blinded. That night would be the first in which she communed with her lusus--speaking to her in a dream--and subsequently realized what a jackass she’d been.
Alas, it was too little, too late. Despite Terezi’s attempts to be a better person for her mother, she would go on to ORCHESTRATE THE DEATHS OF SOME PEOPLE WHO DIDN’T ACTUALLY DESERVE IT AT ALL. Even then, Terezi initially feels vindicated in trying to kill John (due to believing he was responsible for the trolls’ wrecked session--although it was also a bizarre compulsion to, in her own words, “mess with [the timeline] and taste what happens.”) and blows off both him and Davesprite, even if she apologizes and tries to make them feel better about the situation. This could indicate that while she felt bad, she was more interested in manipulating them into forgiving her than she was seriously reconsidering her behaviour.
The time when sincere remorse finally hits her is when she becomes complicit in Dave’s death during another ill-advised pissing contest with Vriska--a situation in which she still initially believed her actions were justified. It’s then that she finally becomes distressed about her absolutely inexcusable and creepy as hell behaviour. Despite all of the aforementioned genuine remorse, that still wasn’t enough to stop her from killing Vriska.
These events set up the baseline for the eventual total and complete annihilation of Terezi’s self esteem, but wait! There is more.
Being blind is one of Terezi’s big CHARACTER TRAITS. This one is not capitalized because of drama, or even because it’s important to the story at large, but because it is important to TEREZI HERSELF. She views her blindness as a metaphor for her personal evolution; it was the gateway to communication with her lusus and her subsequent attempt at seeking the elusive True Justice. Being blind gave her a new way of perceiving the world, one that she believes makes her extremely cool and unique. Because it’s convenient, Terezi often uses blind jokes to make people uncomfortable, tricking them into accidentally misspeaking about her disability so she can jump on them. While people do genuinely mock her about being disabled, Terezi consistently laughs it off.
It’s clear at this point that Terezi gains a lot of pleasure--even if it’s swiftly followed by regret--out of screwing with people. In many of these scenarios she is the equivalent of the five-year-old who puts the family parakeet in the microwave just to see what will happen. Crying, as she finds out, doesn’t bring anyone back, nor does it change anything about the decisions leading up to whatever death she’s crying about.
Curiously enough, for someone so intelligent, Terezi is surprisingly susceptible to being the victim of her own game.
Just before the Vriskabob incident, there is a peculiar scene involving Gamzee, later revealed to be him twisting details in order to trick Terezi into believing the only way to save their group was to kill Vriska. This opens the subject of Gamzee’s influence in Terezi’s life. From the very beginning, Terezi’s manipulative bullshit did not work on him. This actively bothered her. After that, she wrote him off, but he didn’t write her off. When Gamzee went sober he slaughtered several of the trolls, but he messed with Terezi’s head instead of fighting her. This would eventually build up to a black romance between them, after Terezi figured out on some level that he’d gotten the best of her. In response to that she felt obligated to ‘win’ at a relationship with him, leading to her being trapped in an abusive and dysfunctional situation because she felt like breaking up with him would be admitting failure.
Dating Gamzee is the beginning of the end. Terezi, who was once flirty and social and vivacious, slowly begins to isolate herself. Her early canon hijinks--licking people without permission and otherwise invading personal space due to lack of boundaries, eating chalk, enjoying funny pictures and drawings--peter out into irritation, embarrassment, and defensiveness. Her upbeat attitude becomes a façade.
When Terezi encounters her descendant/ancestor (dancestor), her self-hatred compounds into the worst decision she could have made: healing her blindness. More specifically, allowing someone to trick her into healing her blindness. Crushed by how accepted and admired Latula is, Terezi thinks she needs to change herself in order to compare and in doing so eliminates what she considers to be “the only thing cool and unique thing about [herself].”
While all this is going on, guilt from Vriska still plagues her. Guilt from all of the deaths she’s responsible for begins to take its toll, to the point where she states that she would rather fade away into nothingness, lost in a doomed timeline, than continue dealing with her bad choices. Whether this constitutes as a suicidal ideation or not, the fact that the statement is followed by her sobbing on the floor in her underwear in front of two of her exes does not bode well for anyone involved.
At the end, Terezi forces herself to overcome her depression, deciding to get revenge on Gamzee for all he’s done to her. Explaining that he debased her, deceived her, and made her “feel like rancid circus trash,” Terezi once again sets out to commit a murder that she swears is justified this time, for real guys. This one goes about as well as the rest. Gamzee, unresponsive for the beginning of the attack, wakes up from being mind controlled and immediately appeals to Terezi to stop hurting him. The depth of her guilt and fear of Gamzee becomes immediately evident in her response, illuminating how deeply he is under her skin when she instantly drops her weapon and apologizes, opening herself up to be savaged by Gamzee’s highblood rage (which is implied in her previous dialogue to not have been the first time he’d beaten her nonconsensually). None of these pages will be linked to because the scene more or less illustrates the most graphic violence in Homestuck and it makes lots of people uncomfortable.
Pardon me as we take a brief intermission for bathroom breaks and bike tricks. Ramp your bike off the halfpipe and do a frontflip for style.
Anyway, where were we?
At the point in which Terezi enters the game, she will more than likely be suffering from some variety of post traumatic stress, plus whatever the emotional response is to getting your ass beaten in front of a lot of people you trust and respect, thus airing what Terezi views as her entire arsenal of shortcomings for her whole fucking social circle to see. Her last memory of her universe will be falling to her death at the hand of her not-quite-ex-yet boyfriend, which understandably inspires some trust issues.
Fear not--her personality is not completely trashed. Even in her darkest moments Terezi still has a sense of humour, if a slightly bitter one, and is able to smile and laugh on occasion, though not anywhere near as often as before. Terezi is resilient, as one must be when growing up an orphan in the middle of a forest. She’ll be putting that to good use soon, trying to survive in this place.
abilities; Terezi has mastered all nonvisual senses. With perception bordering on synesthesia, she can taste and smell colours, and uses scent and colour as a type of echolocation to create a blurry view of the world around her. As such, she is actually benefitted from losing her eyesight. She fights with a number of trick canes, though her most commonly used cane is one that conceals two long stiletto blades in the shaft, which she wields using a technique that involves a number of high jumps, flips, and turns. From the game, Terezi has the ability, as Seer of Mind, to perceive potential timelines that could result from actions, and thus can steer people in the right direction to avoid unfavourable outcomes. In addition to this, she has a number of physical advantages as a troll. These are not expressly specified and are mostly left up to headcanons; in general it is established that they are physically hardier than human beings.
weaknesses; Though it isn’t a physical weakness, one of Terezi’s biggest weaknesses is being emotionally susceptible. She is easily influenced by her relationships (Vriska, Gamzee), to the point where it can affect her better judgment and cause her to make big mistakes that seriously harm her quality of life. Just as her sense of smell and taste is a strength, when she gets her eyesight back this actually negatively affects her and sends her senses haywire. She counteracts this by wearing a blindfold and covering her eyes.
Third Person Prose;
When awareness dawns on her, Terezi wonders if they wouldn’t mind taking it back.
It’s like waking up from the dead, or at least it would be if Terezi had ever been dead outside of the implausibilities of paradox space. On that same note, she can’t exactly guarantee from experience that it’s not what it feels like to arrive at the afterlife, but Terezi’s intuition tells her that this is something else.
...Yeah, because her intuition is so fucking reliable. Hahahahahaokay.
She tries not to move, squishing her eyes closed and focusing on her other senses, but her thinkpan is a swollen, throbbing space inside her cranial dome; it’s the loudest thing in the room, a pulse that comes surging back every time it leaves, giving her no relief. Unable to focus, she huffs a breath out of her nose and attempts to rationalize the situation.
It fills her with regret almost immediately. The last thing she remembers is… lava. Plummeting toward-- real molten rock, not the fake video-game kind. She could feel its heat, suffocating and enveloping and waiting to swallow her, leaking teasing little wisps into the holes of her shoes to tickle at her feet in a split second’s threat that in just a moment more, she’d be dying in agony. Terezi could deal with all of that, yes, but then there’s the leering shadow of a painted face, a sharp-toothed rictus, and the colour of teal blood staining his clothes and face. She’d reached out on reflex, but he hadn’t twitched a hand to stop her fall.
You don’t fucking kill your kismesis.
(Then again, you don’t do a lot of things to your kismesis that Gamzee did. Terezi tries not to dwell on it.)
The pain Terezi finds when she lifts her hand to her face is not physical, but emotional. In fact, her body doesn’t hurt at all, strangely. Even more curious, because touching her own flesh reveals the swollen, broken carnage that being punched repeatedly tends to produce. It doesn’t hurt, though. The blood and tear tracks, too, have been cleaned away.
Shit. Maybe she really is dead. Did she really have to go to the afterlife looking like a damsel from one of Karkat’s palerom flicks? She’d always thought that genre was creepy. Bluh.
Interrupting her lukewarm memories of Alternian cinema is a sudden jab in her side, one that makes her shriek from surprise and a considerable amount of pain. Her eyes fly open, trying to locate the wound site, but it’s dark underneath her blindfold. Trembling, she inches her fingers toward the source of the pain, her horror increasing exponentially as she realizes that she is not wearing any clothes anymore. The air is so warm and damp, she didn’t even realize.
Her sponge is still killing her.
Something shifts in the darkness. Instinct pulls her head toward that direction, which is when Terezi realizes that her eyes aren’t covered--why would they be, if the rest of her isn’t?--it’s just really fucking dark. From the black fog, something lets out a considering hum. Her skin prickles with useless fight-or-flight. Even when she’s not blind, she’s still helpless in here, naked and unable to concentrate on smell. Weaponless. Even her claws broke when she was fighting Gamzee.
“You,” creaks a voice that is neither human nor troll. The subtones are all wrong. “sshould not be awake yet.”
“Perhapsssssssss we misscalculated a dossage,” suggests another voice. Terezi’s instinct is to run, to find a weapon, but she doesn’t even know if she can. She shakes, paralysed with fear. “Check again the amount for undersssized mammalss.”
Without even thinking, Terezi croaks out, “I’m not a mammal.”
Silence falls. All she hears is contemplative clicking.
“Retrieff the giant barbed leech intesstinesss. We haff a correction to make.” She opens her mouth to speak but is suddenly seized by the horn, used then to hold her still as the mysterious alien-things violently shove something down her protein chute. Consciousness beyond that point is only a suggestion.