Summer Satire - 2015 - Hellerious Biographies

Mr. Svab

Mr. Svab was a blindingly handsome man of minimal attractiveness. He was one of the funniest people on campus whose students never laughed at his jokes. His desire to lose weight was only tempered by his ability to eat 27 Krispy Kreme icing-filled, chocolate-covered glazed doughnuts in one sitting. He was always trying to get healthier by playing tennis with Dr. Thornton, whom he idolized. Dr. Thornton despised Mr. Svab’s idolatry, and Mr. Svab hated him for it. Mr. Svab’s resemblance to Tom Hanks was confounding to the students, 47% of whom thought he was Tom Hanks, and 13 of whom had never heard of Tom Hanks. He was a pessimistic, misanthropic, emotional shell of a man who strongly believed in the possibilities of humanity and the humble glory of teaching the nation’s youth. His ability to teach English was improved by his complete misunderstanding of basic grammar rules and where, to place a, comma. He was, in short, a confused, exhausted, corpulent, gloomy, distrustful, cynical, glass-half-empty teacher of unknown Communist origin who swore allegiance only to himself. He was the most visible of teachers on campus, since most students had no idea who he was.

Kevin Cross

        Kevin Cross is equivalent to an appendix; the most useful useless thing you will ever have the pleasure of being forced to deal with. Conversations with him typically begin with a statement about how cold it is, as his visible sweat stains radiate from his body like light shining down from a celestial sun. His social skills are astounding, as he rarely speaks to anyone and keeps to himself, while the only sounds he makes are his loud, high-pitched guffaws whenever his only friend Ben decides to open his gaping maw to excrete a sentence so mind-numbingly idiotic his own brain can only be compared to a hot stack of oatmeal without any brown sugar. His slight skinny stature is similar to Wilford Brimley’s, as his diabetes is progressing to a point where his feet will be hanging on only by a few threads of sinew and tendons. His physical abilities are that of a puffer fish, with his record of seven combined minutes playing in all three of his sports. He is team captain of all his sports, and he rarely does anything in any of them. His 1987 Ford Pinto is an absolute behemoth, with its amazing 4.57 miles per gallon, and he can get anywhere he needs instantly. Just give him a few days. His mental capabilities are that of a red Swingline stapler that’s stored in the second drawer of Steve from accounting’s standup desk.

Bo Little

        Bo Little is one of the smartest people; he was so smart he skipped his freshman year. Bo always has a pirate’s favorite treasure, a sunken chest. He is on the field the longest during sport activities, because Ben Stein always throws him to the ground. He was the coolest person when he had hypothermia. Kevin and Ben would make a beautiful baby, but Bo as a baby looked like Macho Man Randy Savage raped the Grendel.

Zachary Moelchert

Zach Moelchert is one of the most intelligent, doltish beings at Collegiate School.  He is an only child with two brothers, is the captain of many sports teams, and starts at right bench every game he is chosen for, which is none.  Zach is a straight A student who gets all C’s.  On weekends he parties hard and can often be seen with his friend.  He enjoys tickling the ivories, but occasionally he tickles poison ivy by mistake. He hates everything about the past, but enjoys going to his favorite class, history.  Having a conversation with him when there is somebody else nearby is as disappointing as having to drive around in a rusty old 1997 Toyota Prius when there is a 2016 not yet released Lamborghini that is both a car and helicopter sitting in the driveway.  He hopes to one day live up to everything his parents had ever wanted him to be, which is nothing, because he wasn’t wanted.

Grace Hourigan

Grace Hourigan is truly one of the most incredible people you will ever have the displeasure of meeting. Her sizable stature leaves many cowering in fear when she enters a room, standing five feet two and a half inches tall. Her entrancing eyes are reminiscent of two pools of mud, bounded and dissuading. Her impressive ability to deter others from wanting to be her friend is directly correlated to her admirably platitudinous nature. The number of thoughts that fill her capacious mind is comparable to the number of fans in the stands at a WNBA playoff game. In fact, her remarkably average GPA is one worthy of praise, and her name holds high merit among many prestigious colleges and universities; to name just a few: Princeton, Cornell, Brown, J. Sargeant Reynolds, John Tyler, EducationConnection.com, and many others of equally impressive regard and notoriety. She has two older brothers whom she loves dearly and is very close with. When the boys’ friends ask them if they have any other siblings besides one another, they say no. She enjoys doing community service and had intended to volunteer at retirement homes, daycares, and animal shelters around the Richmond area in the coming months. She ultimately chose to resign after being bitten by nearly all of the dogs in the shelter, as well as a few old people in the retirement homes. Currently, you can find her in the background of pictures by herself because nobody actually wants her in their pictures.

Ben Stein

Ben is the dumbest person to be in Honors classes. He radiates the perceived intelligence of a pinto bean. He has many great qualities of an imbecile. He was a bright child who would bask in the darkness of his vivid imagination. He always demonstrates endless verbal skills and is always able to speak what he wants. Conversing with him is akin to the experience of spilling a full gallon of hot milk on an imported carpet in front of a world leader. He is as tall as a small, flat, pancake-shaped skyscraper. Just as his sentence-writing ability has potential and disappointment, so does his physical ability. As tenacious and determined a worker he is on the football field, it seems as if every stumble of a step he takes, he rolls an ankle. He uses dexterity to make quick cuts with the sharpness of a banana, yet ends up at least seven moles from his object of pursuit. Everyone loves to hate him.

Grayson Richmond

Grayson Richmond is the most boring person that ever died. He lives in the present as someone who is currently doing something that does not involve any Xbox because he loves to game. He will probably be out doing sprints trying to gain weight from four in the afternoon to twelve all day, every day, seven times a year. Clearly the best athlete to ever faceplant the football field, he plays Right Guard, left bench, and Old Spice. Although Grayson is tall, he is always dunked on by his 6’9” nemesis, English class. When trying to increase the comic nature of the situation, Grayson uses his moist, non-fetal mind to conjure up crusty words or nugget-sized images, such as a Prius. Sometimes, Grayson can be found buying the grayn, white, blue, orange, ankle-pronating, brand-new New Balance shoe from the New Balance store at the Long Compress Mall.

Olivia Jacobs

What do the words marvelous, prodigious, stunning, and wonderful all have in common? None of these describe Olivia Jacobs. She is the most athletically-inclined student on Collegiate’s campus. She has quit every sport she has ever played and even played a lengthy two minutes over the course of her 21 volleyball games last season. When playing sports, she can be compared to a squirrel trying the get out of traffic but gets confused and keeps switching  directions until it is finally crushed by a beige 2002 Honda Odyssey. She is the most Aryan Jew that has ever existed, frequently being asked “Really? You’re Jewish?” Although she has never actually watched the show, Olivia can rap some of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme song. Her biggest accomplishment in life is that time Harry Styles from the boyband One Direction may or may not of waved to her. He probably didn’t, but don’t tell her that. Her sunny demeanor may fool you because she can probably beat you up. Just kidding! In a fight she would most definitely lie in fetal position and stick out her hand in hopes that Thor’s hammer will find it’s way to her. Olivia suffers from foot-in-mouth syndrome, one can find her congratulating people on awards they didn’t win and singing along to her teacher’s generic, instrumental ringtone anytime their phone goes off during a test. In short, Olivia is an unathletic and Jewish goofball.

Thompson Oney

Thompson is one of the nicest, most outgoing people you will never meet. He is witty and entertaining, and if given the opportunity would never say a word. He is an outstanding and outspoken student that takes pride in complaining about work he will probably never do. He is quite involved in his academics, so much so that it causes his social life to suffer. The former actually may not have much to do with the latter, sadly. His social skills are matched only by his athletic ability. He played a pivotal role on the varsity baseball team, leading the team from the bench all the way to a state championship loss. He is also a fan of extreme sports. Whether it is delving to the deep, dark depths of Youtube, spelunking into the vast cavities of the couch in search of the tv remote, or performing feats of endurance such as sitting motionless in one position, staring at a flickering screen playing video games, deprived of the basic necessities of life such as food and water, Thompson leads a healthy and active lifestyle, and you really shouldn’t get to know him.

Austin Jupe

He was a tall, lanky existence with luscious blonde hair and a strong jawline that looked as though they could be used to cut the appendix out of a young teenage boy named Dylan who enjoyed rapping, airsoft, and Bahama Mamas. Unfortunately, he had been blessed with the athletic abilities of a spastic giraffe that, combined with his beanstalk stature, made him the perfect specimen, which every coach he ever had felt they could forge an athlete out of; only to see him later on as a mark of shame upon the failure of their coaching abilities. The discouragement he received through sports was rejuvenated luckily in his quick-witted puns, scorching scorns, and superiorly established lexicon, which was exponentially above that of his lacking peers and colleagues. His character, however, fluctuated erratically depending on how he was on that particular day; he could either approach with a welcoming smile or back hand ready lash them for possibly breathing too heavily. Often highly opinionated in his heightened periods of stress, he took any chance he could to express his lack of tolerance for obnoxious Texans and idiotic hippie Democrats. In short, he was an under-medicated jerk; his greatest quality was his ego, which seemed larger than Mel Gibson’s racist vocabulary.

Ann Hammond Gift

Ann Hammond was the definition of a hard-core partying night owl, which is why she got up every day at 3:40 am to swim. She was known as personable, enthusiastic, and gregarious because everyone avoided being in her lane. When swimming, she thought of herself like a Michael Phelps and would always swim butterfly, followed by getting out of the pool yelling she “Phelpsed” someone when they beat her by .01 seconds. She was such a team player that she even painted a bright orange poster for herself, when, in fact, their team colors were blue and white. She always surpassed injuries, which are shown by the three scars on her shoulders due to arthroscopic surgery. When asked in an interview by Matt Lauer how she planned on winning her event in the Olympics, she replied with, “It’s simple; I’ll just win” as she was watching a TODAY show special when Matt Lauer was interviewing Missy Franklin. In short, Ann Hammond was a fantastic swimmer who lost each race, was known as an amazing person by all of her imaginary BFF’s, and loved above all to play lacrosse.

George “The Perdicament” Grattan

George Stuart Grattan, Jr.’s imaginary friend wants some space. He always succeeds at what he doesn’t put his mind to.  His reading skills are the best when compared to his own reading skills. His mixtapes are hot, but he is still cool. He is a narcissist who suffers from a mildly severe case of spectrophobia. Merely interacting with him and his writing is like trying to stop an armadillo with Downs Syndrome from drowning in a can of chicken noodle soup. He is tied for the the world record for the least world records. He doesn’t like turtles. He is canny, amiable, whimsical, accomplished, athletic, and a really good liar who can’t not tell the truth. He is more athletic than an amoeba. Ask him any question about his intelligence, and the answer will always be “watermelon.”