CLAPCAST 11: THAT’S NOT HOW SONIC GOES
Transcriber: Cole
Art: Oh my god.
Austin: Yeah?
Dre: Yeah?
Austin: Did you just like, change your mind or-?
Art: Oh, I tried to open time.is and opened Roll20 three different times. [Ali laughs] I opened a tab to get to-
Austin: Alright, so-
Art: -time.is and typed Roll 20 three times.
Austin: Definitely- definitely just uh, character creation today then probably. [Dre laughs]
Art: What are you talking about?
Austin: I- I need to- I need to go run to a- to a mini-mart UPS drop off before 10AM anyway, so-
Art: Fwoof.
Austin: Uh huh. Alright.
Sylvia: Ugh. [sighs] Alright.
Austin: Are we uh- are we ready to clap?
Art: Yep.
Ali: Yeah.
Dre: Yep.
Austin: Uh, twenty?
Ali: Ok.
[5 claps are heard] [Ali, Sylvia, and Dre laugh]
Austin: Did it skip again?
Ali: [inaudible while laughing]
Austin: You good, Ali?
Ali: I tried- I tried to clap- practice clap, and then I do it too soon cause I know it’s coming. [Austin, Dre, and Sylvia laugh again]
Austin: Do you want to do another one?
Ali: [laughing] I’m sorry.
Austin: Do you want to do a forty-five?
Ali: Sure.
Sylvia: Oh god.
[three claps]
Ali: That was fine.
Austin: I think I went a little earlier that time, but that’s ok. Alright.
Sylvia: I almost didn’t clap, but I got it. [Ali and Sylvia laugh]
Dre: Snuck it in there, huh?
Sylvia: Like, I missed when Austin said forty-five-
Austin: Oh.
Sylvia: -and I was like ‘wait, what? Oh shit.’ [Dre and Ali laughing] At forty, I was like, ok. We’re good. We’re professionals.
Austin: Can’t wait- Hm, we’re something. Uh, one second. [thinking noises] chu-chu-chu-chu Ok.
------ [transition music to indicate another recording is beginning]
Janine: Oh, this story’s so good. Why didn’t I read this the first time I saw it?
Dre: [laughs] Wait, what is this?
Janine: Uh, I posted- So, I posted on Twitter earlier cause it’s just like this- it’s one of those new stories that my iPhone was suggesting of like, um- God, what’s- The actual- the actual quote for- the actual thing is ‘I was so scared’ in quotes ‘beaver on the lam after break in attempt.’
Austin: Oh.
Dre: Woah.
Janine: And I was like ‘Ok, this is boring. Whatever.’ until I scrolled down and got to ‘Boyd said she grabbed an ice scraper in case she needed to defend herself from a possible intruder while waiting inside for the officer to investigate.’
Austin: God.
Janine: An ice scraper. [light laugh] Like, I’m assuming-
Austin: It’s not a good defense... weapon.
Janine: If it’s one of two-in-one scraper brushes like, maybe you can get- you can like, swing that like a bat or whatever. But just like, one of those little handheld ones? Like, Fargo style ice scraper?
Austin: Uh huh.
Janine: Mmm.
Austin: Yeah.
Janine: What are you going to do to someone with that? Not much. Why’d they call backup? This is so silly.
Austin: Beavers are scary. [Janine laughs lightly]
Janine: I don’t think they even knew it was a beaver. She calls the cops and then like, a quote ‘big, burly, young RCMP guy shows up’ [Austin laughs lightly] with- and ‘he was a little frightened.’ And then he called for backup. Uh, wow. And then they- ‘they put the flashlights on it, and the hands didn’t come up, but the paws came up, Constable Kevin O’Brien of the Nanaimo RCMP said.’
Keith: Uh, cops scared of beavers.
Austin: You know how it is.
Keith: Yep.
Janine: ‘The suspect was last seen waddling down [Keith laughs] Sun Valley Drive.’
Austin: Oh my god.
Sylvia: The suspect. [laughs]
Janine: ‘Somewhat overweight with a large tail and very large yellow teeth.’
Austin: How do you know?
Keith: Considered to be dangerous.
Austin: Yeah.
Janine: I don’t fuckin’- [light laugh]
Austin: I don’t fuckin’ know.
Janine: Ugh. [sighs] Man.
Austin: Uh, ok. Maybe time.is.
Keith: Sorry, What was the crime that the beaver did? I joined- I joined at the end.
Janine: Attempted b and e.
Keith: Oh, ok.
Janine: Yeah.
Austin: Wait, attempted what?
Janine: B and E.
Keith: Breaking and entering?
Janine: Break and entering. Yeah.
Austin: Oh, b and e.
Janine: Tried to- tried to break in-
Austin: I thought you said beanie, and I was like, ‘is there a statute against beavers wearing hats?’ [Janine and Dre laugh]
Janine: No. No. Um, ‘I heard this horrible scratching sound, she told CTV Vancouver Island on Thursday. It actually sounded like someone was trying to break in through the window.’ Uh, so she called her neighbor and then the cops and then waited with an ice- with a- with an ice scraper.
Keith: Ice scrapers are very dangerous.
Janine: Get the broom. Wouldn’t a broom be better than an ice scraper? Just like- you got more width.
Keith: Well, she didn’t know it was a beaver.
Austin: No, it’s a beaver. Beavers can eat right through wood, so you can’t do broom.
Janine: Aw, shit. Yeah. [Dre laughs]
Keith: Oh.
Austin: There’s the problem right there.
Keith: I was just thinking like, an ice scraper is hard and has like, a point sort of.
Janine: What?
Dre: Wait, does it?
Keith: Yeah, it’s like a flat-
Austin: Are you-
Keith: -it’s like a flat bre- it’s like a flat thing you scrape ice off of a car with it.
Dre: That’s true. Yeah.
Austin: Yeah, you have like an angle- like a hard angle. Maybe.
Keith: Yeah. Yeah, the hard an- Yeah, it’s got a hard angle. It’s got a point-
Janine: You’re gonna have to-
Keith: -where the two angles meet.
Janine: -you’re gonna have to swing it though. And then they’re gonna get in on you. This is the- somehow this is the knife versus bat shit. [Sylvia laughs]
Austin: Yeah. Great.
Dre: I got to fucking save.
Sylvia: Beaver versus ice scraper. It’s the Canadian version. [Dre laughs]
Austin: God. Oh I got you-
Keith: Would you rather be a beaver-
Austin: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait-
Keith: -or have an ice scraper?
Austin: -wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Keith: Ok.
Janine: Keith, make sure you’re recording.
Keith: I am, yeah.
Dre: Ok, good.
Austin: Here we go. This motherfucking thing right here can kill a fuckin’ beaver.
Keith: Oh, for sure that can kill a beaver.
Austin: A Hawkins 80037 quick lock pivoting snow broom. ‘The best ice scraper’, says the wirecutter.com
Keith: That- [everyone laughs]
Sylvia: I legitimately thought that was a gun.
Janine: No one fuckin’ has that.
Austin: It’s the best one. It’s thirty bucks. [Janine sighs]
Keith: It’s only thirty bucks?
Austin: It’s only thirty bucks.
Keith: That’s almost- that’s barely more expensive than a regular one.
Austin: There’s- there’s a solid alternative-
Dre: Damn, I’m like- I’m about to buy this thing.
Austin: See?
Dre: If it’s only thirty bucks.
Austin: Thirty-one bucks on Amazon.
Keith: Honestly mine is really- is really similar to that.
Austin: At the time- at the time of publishing the price was fifteen dollars. She had that it’s fifteen dollar Hawkins 80037 quick lock pivoting snow broom-’
Keith: Oh wow.
Austin: ‘- the best ice scraper,’ says the wirecutter.com.’
Keith: So-
Austin: ‘Efficient at clearing ice and sweeping snow. Sized for everything from subcompact cars to SUVs, robustly built and thoroughly designed- thoughtfully designed [laughs] This is everything you could ask for in an ice scraper.’ I bet that’s how you kill a beaver. [overlapped] Or at least scare away.
Keith: Now, can I say this, and I don’t want to brag.
Austin: Yeah.
Dre: Yeah, you could hold it at bay.
Keith: I don’t want to brag, but mine is- it clearly- it’s plastic. Clearly not as well constructed, but my- I have a snow scraper slash brush that pivots and is telescopic.
Austin: Oh. That’s what you want right there.
Keith: Yeah. Yeah.
Dre: I think this one looks telescopic.
Austin: This one is sixty inches.
Janine: I think-
Austin: So, it must be.
Janine: My problem with the telescopic one is I don’t know that you’re always gonna have the um- the torque that you need… sometimes. You know?
Keith: Yeah, or Saturn in view. [Austin laughs lightly]
Austin: Uh huh. Yeah. [Sylvia laughs lightly]
Janine: Also, it’s not like you’re scraping off a fuckin’ humvee. Like, you’re scrapin’ off your car.
Keith: A Fiat. Yeah. That’s what- [Dre laughs]
Janine: Just switch sides. Just walk around the other side.
Keith: Yeah, I honestly um- I don’t know how- I don't know how many of you have like, been really up close to a Fiat. Austin, you were in my Fiat. I usually use my hands to get the whole roof.
Dre: Oh. Do you have like, one of the new Fiats?
Keith: N- I mean I have a- it’s a 2012 Fiat.
Dre: Ok.
Keith: So, I don’t know if that’s one of the new ones or not.
Dre: Yeah, I mean they- they stopped like, bringing ‘em over to the U.S. for like, a couple of decades, didn’t they?
Keith: Yeah, so I- I wasn’t sure if there was another new development that made them new. So yeah, I have one of the recent-
Dre: Yeah.
Keith: -Fiats. And I- I can just scrape all of the snow off my car with my hands. [Dre and Sylvia laugh]
Sylvia: Yeah, but those don’t telescope, so-
Keith: Put gloves on. Yeah, my arms don’t tel- I can bend my- I have a- So, I have an elbow.
Sylvia: Oh, just the one? [Janine laughs]
Keith: And that- and a shoulder. [laughs] Well, per- per arm.
Austin: Mm.
Sylvia: Ok.
Keith: I can sort of- Yeah-
Janine: Cool.
Keith: I can- So, I can have my arm sort of down by my side or I can extend it like, pretty far out. Not sixty inches.
Janine: I was- You know, I was just looking at- I was just looking on wirecutter for elbows. Um, and they said the best one was the- the McNaughton-
Austin: [typing] McNaughton H500.
Keith: McNaughton elbow?
Janine: -elbow.
Austin: Yeah.
Janine: Yeah.
Austin: I like this answer a lot on Amazon questions. Uh, so the question is, ‘I was searching for a standard snow brush slash ice chipper combo and came across this. What’s the benefit of the squeegee over the typical models?’ And Matt Kazcy responds, and I’m going to over pronounce the commas here. ‘It’s nice, during the warmer months, to wipe the dew, from your windows.’ [Keith and Janine laugh] And then-
Keith: Hold on.
Dre: Sure, yeah.
Keith: That’s- that’s true.And it’s very relaxing.
Austin: [light laugh] I know.
Keith: But- but-
Dre: Are you sure this isn’t someone doing like, the fucking plum’s Twitter poem meme, but just with dew on their car in the summer? [Austin laughs]
Keith: Yeah. [laughs] The squeegee also helps- Mine also has a squeegee; I don’t want to brag- uh, with the snow cause as you’re scraping it off, it’s leaving streaks of ice and snow-
Janine: Yeah.
Keith: And you just squeegee that off there.
Austin: You squeegee that right off.
Janine: I mean also if you are in a hurry and you do the water trick, um, it would-
Keith: Now-
Janine: -get the slush off.
Keith: -can I- I want- I’m gonna link you this product. Um, I was given this as a gift last Christmas. Not- not the most recent Christmas. The one before that. And I have no idea how to use it, and it just sits in my trunk. I have no idea what to do with it. I have no- [laughs]
Austin: Let’s see. Let’s see.
Keith: Just like, don’t know.
Dre: Oh, yeah.
Keith: I tried one time to just use it as if it was a scraper? Right?
Janine: I think it’s-
Dre: Yeah.
Keith: Like you just sort of pull-
Janine: I think it’s for more like, the roof, the hood, and the trunk-
Dre: Yeah.
Janine: -to just like- If there’s like- You know, especially- [sighs] Using the brush on the hood of your car can be weird. Um, or like the trunk, if you need to like, see stuff- I- This seems like the kind of- Like I don’t know that this would be- You need to have a lot of snow built up on your car for this to, I think, be a practical thing.
Keith: But this- It was kind of flimsy. It wasn’t like I- I tried to pull, and I tried to push, and it wasn’t like-
Janine: Oh.
Keith: It just didn’t feel like it was made for anything.
Janine: This has good reviews which I’m now-
Keith: [laughs] Yeah.
Janine: -confused about.
Dre: Yeah.
Keith: I’m surprised I-
Sylvia: It kind of just looks like a swiffer.
Dre: It does.
Keith: It kind of just looks like a swiffer, and the thing about the swiffer is that you need a pad to put- It’s useless without the pad.
Dre: Yeah.
Keith: And this doesn’t have a snow pad or anything.
Janine: I think they-
Dre: Hey.
Janine: I think they changed it.
Keith: You think they changed the product?
Janine: Some- some of these reviews are very positive, but then some of them are like, ‘why’d you fuck this up?’
Dre: Hey, when did the wirecutter get bought by New York Times?
Austin: Hm.
Keith: ‘Why change in a winning product? Have purchased at least ten of these very dependable snow brooms.’ Ok.
Janine: They can’t be that dependable if you purchased ten.
Keith: Yeah. I got to-
Janine: They just can’t.
Keith: Yeah, maybe gifts? Maybe gift- Mine was a gift. ‘Which were made with a re-enforced-’ See, this is maybe-
Janine: There is someone else here who says they bought three of them for their children for Christmas. [light laugh]
Keith: Yeah. I got- I got one in-
Janine: It must have been grown children. Not like, child children, but- [Keith laughs]
Dre: Hey, ya never know.
Keith: I got one in a-
Dre: You gotta have chores.
Keith: -in a yankee swap, I think is what I did. By the way, the absolute worst Christmas tradition is the yankee swap.
Dre: Is that like a uh, like a white elephant- like, dirty santa gift exchange thing?
Austin: What?
Keith: I- [laughing] Hold on.
Janine: Dirty Santa?! [light laugh]
Sylvia: What?
Keith: You’re- Ok. I think you’re the one that actually has the weird thing. Not me. [Austin and Janine laugh]
Dre: Well, ok. Like-
Keith: Dirty Santa gift exchange. What?
Austin: Uh hm.
Dre: So, it’s- it’s just the thing where it’s like, everybody puts in a gift, and you draw numbers.
Keith: Yes. Yeah.
Dre: And like, you can like, ‘ok, number one, you go.’
Janine: [overlapped] I wouldn’t call that dirty santa.
Dre: ‘Alright, number two, you can take number one’s gift or you can open a gift.’
Keith: Uh hm. Yeah.
Dre: It’s that.
Keith: That’s exactly the same thing.
Dre: I don’t know why.
Keith: And you’re right. That is the- it is a dirty game.
Dre: But like, cause you’re being bad santa.
Janine: That sucks.
Dre: Yeah, see?
Keith: Yeah.
Austin: Why is the- why is it that the person from the north is the one who uses the word yankee in describing that thing? I feel like you two should have the opposite descriptors for this.
Dre: No, we call it uh-
Keith: I don’t know.
Dre: -carpet bagger option.
Austin: I gotcha. Of course.
Keith: I’m- I will say this though. I’m sure that you’re familiar with uh, weird New England conservatives that just consider themselves to be-
Austin: Yeah. Oh yeah.
Keith: -like, country boys. So-
Austin: Uh huh.
Dre: Good ‘ole- [inaudible]
Austin: Next question.
Keith: My family’s- my family’s sort of like that.
Dre: Uh, one last thing on the wirecutter.
Austin: Yeah.
Dre: Their top two things on the health and fitness category are the best portable vaporizer and the best weed grinder.
Keith: Portable- what’s the-
Dre: [overlapped] It’s a vape. It’s a vape.
Keith: Are there non-portable vaporizers?
Austin: Yes.
Keith: No, I know what it is. Is th- I guess there are, right?
Austin: There are.
Keith: There’s the-
Austin: Yeah.
Keith: Like, they fill up those balloons.
Austin: I didn’t know there were balloons.
Dre: Yeah, no. Can you- can you jack up your ohms on a portable vape?
Keith: Yeah, you get a- You get a- you get a nice uh- you get a nice weed, and then you fill up a balloon with weed vape, and then you just smoke it in a balloon.
Austin: Mm. Ok. Ok.
Janine: I think a balloon is still pretty portable.
Keith: It’s like a machine, I think. I don’t really know.
Austin: Mm.
Janine: Oh.
Keith: I haven’t seen one before. I guess machines are not-
Janine: It seems like a waste of fuckin’ time.
Keith: -technically not portable.
Austin: For the record-
Dre: Just- just smoke weed. Just smoke weed. Don’t put it in a balloon.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Dre: Smoke weed.
Austin: You can put it in a lot of things.
Janine: [overlapped] Four twenty.
Austin: Yeah, we’re recording on four twenty.
Dre: Yeah, happy four twenty everybody.
Austin: Yeah. [Janine laughs lightly] Uh, you lea- [overlapped] you left out the best stuff-
Dre: Fuckin’ smoke out your balloons.
Austin: -actually here. Which is the- it’s- on their front page, it’s the best portable vaporizer, and the related things are the best weed grinder, and then the next two are the real champions. The best robes and [Dre laughs] the best inflatable couch.
Dre: Oh, this must be because it’s four twenty, right?
[crosstalking]
Keith: I would love-
Austin: Yeah.
Dre: That’s- that’s why it has to be this. Ok.
Keith: I would love a better robe.
Austin: Well, let me tell you about whatever bullshit robe they say is the best.
Dre: The fuck?
Sylvia: I should get a robe to start recording in.
Janine: I don’t think they should be allowed to talk about things that don’t have wires or never had wires.
Austin: This robe could have had a wire.
Janine: Is it heated?
Austin: I bet you one of these is. They have like, subdivisions of robes.
Keith: I have-
Austin: Like, if you want a crisp linen robe, they got you. If you want a terry robe for after a shower, they got you.
Keith: I found a gif of a guy using a balloon vape.
Dre: Oh, that’s fun.
Janine: That looks stupid.
Keith: Yeah, and not portable, right?
Dre: Is that a balloon or a-
Janine: It looks like a-
Dre: That looks like a condom.
Janine: -it looks like a fuckin’ bread bag. [laughs] Or a condom, yes.
Austin: Yo-
Janine: It looks like either a giant bread bag or a condom.
Austin: Why are his glasses so big?
Keith: I don’t know. Why does he have really haunted benders in a poster?
Dre: Bulk bags to the face. [Austin sighs]
Janine: This is why Nardwuar’s brother never got as famous. [Austin laughs]
Sylvia: Oh my god. [Austin groans]
Janine: I also hate Nardwuar. I share that with you. I’m just saying. [light laugh]
Austin: Y’all hate Nardwuar?
Keith: Do I know who Nardwuar is?
Janine: [overlapped] He’s fucking annoying.
Austin: I’m shocked you don’t know who Nardwuar is.
Dre: [quietly and overlapped] I don’t know who this guy is.
Austin: Nardwuar is super annoying, but I can’t bring myself to hate him.
Dre: Wait, how did you spell Nardwuar?
Janine: I guess like, it’s-
Austin: How do you think you do?
Janine: -cool that he’s doing a thing.
Dre: Oh, I found it.
Janine: But I just don’t- I just feel like he was in my face too much when I was growing up.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Austin: Yeah. He- Well, you’re from Canada.
Dre: Oh, it’s a- it’s a Canadian thing.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Keith: Wait, are you talking about Nardwuar, the Human Serviette?
Janine: [dejected] Yeah.
Austin: Yeah, I’m shocked you don’t know who this is.
Keith: I really don’t.
Austin: He-
Keith: Oh boy.
Austin: We don’t have time. We don’t have time.
Keith: Ok. Ok.
Janine: No. No, we don’t.
Austin: But when- but when you’re done- when we’re done, you just need to go to the internet and type in some band names or- or like, musician names and Nardwuar and spend the night watching the most abrasive, but also strangely intriguing interviews. He’s like a very- he’s a very abrasive man. He’s like- like Janine said, in your face-
Keith: Ok.
Austin: -and like, very aggressive and very like, obnoxious music nerd. But he very clearly does know a lot about music and like, the musicians he’s interviewing.
Keith: Ok.
Janine: Uh hm.
Austin: And comes from a place of like-
Keith: Oh, he in- interviews musicians. I thought that like-
Austin: No. Yes.
Keith: -he was covering songs.
Austin: No.
Keith: Ok.
Austin: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Janine: That would suck.
Austin: No. He like, shows up with like, a bunch of vinyls to give to Redman or whoever. Ya know? Or-
Keith: Um, can I shout out my favorite abrasive music interview?
Austin: Yeah.
Keith: There is a- there’s an old Billy Joel interview where the interviewers talks about comparisons between him and other piano playing musicians. And he’s at a piano and will do like a ‘No, no, no, no. They fuckin’ play like this, and it sucks.’ [Austin laughs]
Keith (cont.): And he plays, and then like, ‘I play like this, and it’s cool.’ Then he plays like, in his style. It’s very funny to watch him like-
Austin: That’s so good. We need-
Keith: -do quick piano impressions of musicians.
Austin: Uh hm. Uh hm. Link me to that once we’re done. Alright-
Keith: Got it.
Austin: Happy four twenty everybody. [dre laughs lightly] Let’s time.is. Did you know it’s look-alike day?
Dre: Oh word. Is that what- is that what time.is is saying it is?
Austin: Yeah, look-alike. It’s looks li- [exhales laugh] It look-alike everyone’s smokin’ weed. [everyone laughs] Ya know what I’m saying?
Keith: No, god damnit!
Sylvia: Oh my god.
Keith: For once, I’m the one that didn't say a joke that everyone else had already thought of. [Austin finishes laughing and groans]
Austin: Alright. [laughs again] Alright. [Dre laughs] Let’s clap at uh- twenty seconds- twenty-five seconds.
Sylvia: Twenty-
Austin: Twenty seconds.
Sylvia: Ok.
[three beats of claps]
Austin: I was a little late. Twenty-five seconds.
Janine: Wait, what?
Keith: I’m sorry- You said twenty- twenty-five-
Sylvia: That was super confusing.
Keith: Yeah, I got lost.
Janine: That was twenty seconds late. [everyone laughs hard]
Keith: Yeah, hold on. I gotta- Wait.
Austin: Yeah, I said ‘twenty seconds. Twenty-five seconds. No, twenty seconds.’ And then you said alright.
Keith: Sorry, I was already focused on- on timing right.
Austin: Ok.
Keith: So, let’s do forty-five.
Austin: Don’t- Not forty-five.
Dre: Ok. Forty-five.
Austin: Forty.
[one clap]
Keith: It’s already half of the way to forty! [shouting while everyone laughs]
Dre: Wait.
Sylvia: Forty. [laughs]
Janine: [laughing] What the fuck is this?
Keith: You said- You said- [laughs hard] [someone claps] [Austin laughs hard] You said forty on forty. You said let’s do now.
Janine: Yeah, what the hell is that? [Sylvia continues laughing]
Keith: This is- Hold on.
Janine: I’m refreshing time.is cause I feel like I’m losing my mind.
Keith: Hold on. Wait. No. Maybe Austin is just calling back to-
Austin: I’ve been recording-
Keith: -when we were-
Austin: -for thirty hours, basically. So..
Keith: Ok.
Dre: Mm.
Austin: I’ve lost it.
Keith: I thought you were- i thought you were calling back to the other day when we were recording, you said maybe we should just give zero notice.
Austin: Right, we probably should.
Dre: So, uh, fifteen?
Austin: Yeah.
[four beats of claps]
Austin: I was still a little late.
Keith: Perfect.
Austin: But it should be fine.
Keith: No, no. That was perfect.
Austin: Uh, one second. A work thing just popped. Uh, yeah. That looks right. Perfect. Ok. [typing] Let me look at my notes. [sing-song tone] Gotta get my notes up. There they are. Ok. [Dre and Keith laugh] That’s the character.
[crosstalking]
Dre: I like this new GM voice that you got.
Keith: That was like-
Austin: That’s my character voice. This is it. I’m doing this. [Dre laughs]
Keith: That was like such-
Austin: [sing-song] Gotta get my notes up.
Keith: That was just like, such a- a- like, alone in your room and not recording moment. [everyone laughs]
Austin: Yep [Dre continues laughing] Alright. Ugh.
----- [transition music to indicate another recording is beginning]
Dre: Alright, let me hit record. [Austin yawns] Yeah, I hear you.
Austin: Yeah. No coffee yet.
Dre: Oof.
Austin: It’s good. I’m good.
Dre: I see I fo- I forget that not everybody has this Friday off.
Austin: What is this Friday?
Dre: In Louisville, it’s Kentucky Oaks.
Austin: Oh, Star Wars day? Star Wars day.
Dre: Yes. It is- it is Star Wars day.
Austin: Y’all love Star Wars in Kentucky so much [Dre laughs] that you’re like, ‘Listen. You know Anakin gave his life for- for our freedom. So…’ Uh, wait, what is it in Kentucky?
Dre: Uh, well, so tomorrow is the Kentucky Derby.
Austin: Oh.
Dre: And then the day before is the Kentucky Oaks, which is like another- it’s like-
Austin: It’s like-
Dre: Derby is like, the big fancy thing that only the rich people can go to.
Austin: Right.
Dre: Oaks is the one that like, everybody can go to.
Austin: Oh, that’s wild.
Dre: So like, several decades ago like, it just got so bad with like, nobody was going to work or like, school or anything, and so they were just like, ‘ok, we’re just gonna- we’re just gonna close things on Friday.’
Austin: That’s real funny.
Dre: [laughing] ‘We’re just- we’re just gonna close things.’
Austin: [yawns] That’s great honestly.
Dre: They’re working on a- actu- I think they’re like, trying at this point to also get it extended to Thursday. Because now like, Oaks has become like, a bigger thing.
Austin: Oh, this is very funny. I’m reading this- I’m reading this um, uh… ‘Bringing in one’s own alcohol is forbidden at Churchill Down.’ But then the- the best one here is, you- and- and what- and ‘many locals revel in finding ingenious ways to smuggle in their own libations rather than pay the inflated prices inside of Churchill Downs.’ And then ‘most every school and quite a few businesses in the Kentuckian- Kentuckiana? Kentuckian region-’
Dre: Uh hm.
Austin: ‘-treat the Oaks as a holiday. Perhaps out of self-consciousness for the gambling aspect of the race, none of the region's schools declare that the holiday is explicitly because of the Oaks [Dre laughs] and most simply say it is an "administrative holiday."’
Dre: Uh huh.
Austin: Listen, you can’t go to school if your administrators are all out drinking and gambling on the horses.
Dre: Basically.
Austin: Sounds like a good time.
Dre: Also the beers aren’t- the beers aren’t actually that expensive it turns out.
Austin: Are you goin’? Do you go out?
Dre: Um, you know, I don’t. I haven’t been in a- in a like, a long time. I mean, they- it gets- it gets like- it gets pretty packed and wild out there.
Austin: That’s what I imagine. Yeah.
Dre: Like, it’s not bad once you’re there, but getting in and out of there is- is crazy.
Austin: God, have you fuckin’ read horse names lately?
Dre: Yeah.
Austin: They’re still the best. They’re the-
Dre: Listen. Somebody just names a horse after Rob Gronkowski.
Austin: What’s it called?
Dre: It’s just called Gronkowski. [Austin laughs] It was supposed to be in the derby, but I think it like, fucked up ankle or something.
Austin: I’m lookin’ at the list of the winners since 1875. We have some real fuckin’ good winners. Do you want to know the first winner? Of this-
Dre: I used to know this. Fuck. Tell me.
Austin: It’s- it looks at first like it’s Vinaigrette. [Dre laughs] But it’s not. It’s just-
Dre: Yeah. Sure.
Austin: Vina- Vinaigrette.
Dre: Yeah.
Austin: We’ve got Belle of Nelson.
Dre: [laughing] That’s how we pronounce it down here.
Austin: Is it- Wait, you just say Vinaigrette? Oh- I gotcha. Yeah, uh huh. Yup. That’s- Yeah, that adds up. Uh, Pure Rye. Pure Rye, what a good name. Pure Rye is.
Dre: Are these Derby winners or Oak winners?
Austin: Der- These are Oak winners.
Dre: Mm.
Austin: I’m only interested in Oak winners. You know what I’m sayin’?
Dre: I mean it-
Austin: Like, I’m not tryin’ to get a derby winner.
Dre: -it is- Hey, listen. It’s the Philly race, so I get it. You’re only interested in the ladies. [Austin laughs] Austin Walker-
Austin: [still laughing] No, that’s not true.
Dre: -out here for the ladies. [laughs]
Austin: That’s not true. What I’m here for is like- What I’m sayin’ is like, the local culture. It’s not all fancy. It’s not too bourgie. You know?
Dre: Yeah, it’s not commercialized.
Austin: I’m just tryin’ to- like, 1896 winner, Soufflé. You know what I’m sayin’? Too bourgie for me. Let’s go up to 1898, Crocket. That’s what I’m talkin’ about. [laughs] You know? [Dre laughs] Some of these are just- some of these are just super hero names. White Frost. That’s just-- I’ve read X-men.
Dre: I like uh, 2014 Untapable. [un-tape-ah-bul]
Austin: Oh, is it is Untap- [un-tape] I was reading that as Untapable. [un-tap-ah-bul]
Dre: No, I think it’s Untapable. [un-tape-ah-bul] Like, you can’t film this horse.
Austin: You can’t film. You can’t see me. [Dre laughs] The John Cena.
Dre: John Cena’s horse.
Austin: [laughs] Oh yeah. 1991’s Lite Light. L-I-T-E L-I-G-H-T.
Dre: Uh huh.
Austin: Absolutely a Friends at the Table name. 1989, Open Mind. I think she’s in this season. [light laugh] Um, I like Bold’n’Determined, with ‘n’ like apostrophe ‘n’ as like, I think that they just invented- like, that just started happening in the culture. Instead- where you abbreviate the word and into ‘n’. So, that’s good. Wistful. These are all so good. These are all so good. Easter Stockings. [Dre laughs] It’s Easter Stockings, you know.
Dre: Uh, 1957 was Lori-El, like spelled like Kal-El. Like, with the dash ‘EL’
Austin: Oh wow.
Dre: [laughing] So, somebody was super into Superman.
Austin: Someone- That’s someone’s Superman OC.[Dre laughs] Also- also- also, the jockey was Lois C. Cook.
Dre: Oh shit.
Austin: So, I think that’s Lois Lane undercover, you know?
Dre: Yeah, that’s actually Kal-EL actually got turned into a filly.
Austin: Into a horse. Into a filly.
Dre: Yeah.
Austin: Into a- into a lady horse.
Dre: And the only way that Lois Lane could save Superman was to ride… the horse Superman and win the Oaks.
Austin: Right. Yep. Yep. [Dre and Austin laugh] Uh… sorry. I said lady horse, and then immediately heard it in Lil Wayne’s voice the way he says lady cop. [Dre laughs hard for a while]
Dre: Ok.
Austin: Anyway, we should record this thing. Now that we’ve done this-
Dre: Should we?
Austin: I- you know… We should do somethin’.
Dre: [laughing] Sorry Ali, but here’s some Clapcast to make it up to you.
Austin: [laughing] This is for you. Here’s a gift, yeah. Alright. Um, and to us warmed up- Get that warm up going. Fwooo-
Dre: Yep.
Austin: Uh, we should still clap. We didn’t do that yet. I just closed time.is.
Dre: Oops.
Austin: Alright, fifty-five work?
Dre: Sure.
Austin: Ok.
[two claps heard]
Austin: Ok.
Dre: It’s easy when there’s only two of us.
Austin: Yeah, seriously. Um, alright.
----- [transition music to indicate another recording is beginning]
Keith: Yeah. Yeah. And uh, have you guys heard of StreamLabs?
Dre: I have heard of StreamLabs.
Keith: Stre- so, if you haven’t heard of StreamLabs, it’s like a- it’s like a system that lets you display like, widgets on your stream. So, it’ll be like, oh this is a viewer count that sources from like if you’re streaming on Youtube and Twitch, it’ll add ‘em together and show people are- Here’s like, a donation tracker. And it pops up with messages and it lets you display the chat on the screen or whatever. But it was so funny cause a lot of their fuckin’ examples used GameWisp where it’s like, you know, John just subscribed to your GameWisp at the five dollar level. And it’s like, how much fucking money did GameWisp pay to get-
Janine: I wonder-
Keith: -to get them to use GameWisp instead of Patreon?
Janine: I wonder if it’s not that they paid, but it’s that like, one of their like, operations officers or whatever started a GameWisp and then like, left to found some other thing or whatever and like, I wonder if it’s- I wonder if it’s like- if it’s that kind of thing. Where it’s like, ‘ah, I love those guys. They- I used to eat lunch with them’ or some shit.
Keith: You know, that’s possible, except for that I can’t imagine anyone loving those guys. [Dre laughs]
Janine: Start up- start up culture is full of the most-
Keith: Yeah.
Janine: -unlovable people-
Keith: No, it’s full of-
Janine: -in the world. That’s where they all are.
Keith: All- They all love each other, yeah.
Janine: It’s all they do is love each other cause no one else will. That’s start ups.
Keith: Yeah.
Sylvia: Even better when you intersect that with video games.
Keith: Mm.
Janine: God.
Dre: [singing] Video games~ Here’s an important question, Keith.
Keith: Yeah.
Dre: What uh- what is your animated gif you’ve set up through StreamLabs when people follow on Twitch?
Keith: Oh, I- I disabled all that stuff.
Dre: Aw, come one.
Keith: By default it’s- by default it’s a zombie-
Dre: Yeah, it is. It’s horrible.
Keith: -that’s like, chomping. Yeah, and I- I took it all off. It actually- I was worried that maybe you weren’t- wouldn’t be able to turn off the gif or the images. There’s another thing that’s wild. People can pay to have image- have videos-
Dre: Uh hm.
Keith: -pop up on your stream. People can just link a video and pay to have it show up.
Sylvia: That’s dangerous.
Keith: Isn’t that terrifying?
Sylvia: Yeah.
Keith: That’s crazy. Obviously we disabled that. I don’t care if you’re paying me-
Janine: That’s-
Keith: -ten cents a second.
Janine: That’s like, prime example of like… shit you implement when you are in a position where nothing really hurts you because you’re so safe and comfortable.
Keith: Yeah. Yeah. Um… glad that they had- they had a little thing that lets me filter people’s messages. So, they have like, a default um- like, a default filter and then you can add whatever you think their filter won’t catch. Which is nice, but then you’ve got to think of like, what’s all the horrible shit-
Sylvia: Yeah.
Keith: -that people might say on my stream? And then you have to type it in.
Janine: Charmy.
Dre: Oh Christ.
Keith: Yeah, people might say Charmy.
Janine: Uh hm. You gotta nip that in the bud.
Keith: Yeah. Bring back Charmy Bee. Like, ‘op!’
Janine: In the buzz. Nip it in the buzz.
Keith: No one- no one tried to say bring back Mighty though.
Janine: Isn’t Mighty back? Is that the thing?
Keith: Mighty is almost back. Mighty’s not- Mighty’s almost back.
Janine: Ugh. [sighs]
Keith: But then only in Sonic Mania.
Janine: Who is asking for-? [sighs]
Keith: Who’s asking for Mighty?
Janine: There are other characters who would be better in that is all I’m saying.
Keith: Literally only Kylie[1], I think, has- is asking for Mighty. The- Well, the problem is they keep including the worst chaotix. Charmy was in for- was in Sonic Forces.
Dre: Oh man, that game.
Janine: Oh, that’s fucking weird.
Keith: Yeah. Charmy Bee was in Sonic Forces. Yeah.
Janine: Why? Oh my god.
Keith: Yeah, and exactly. And so that’s I think why Mighty Bee’s come back because you’ve got-
Janine: When was the- what was the last thing Big the Cat was in?
Keith: Uh, a cameo in Sonic Adventure 2.
Dre: Hm. [Janine sighs] When uh- who- Ok, who’s your favorite chaotix, Keith?
Keith: Um…. Killer Croc.
Dre: Ok.
Sylvia: Yeahhhhhh, it is! I fuckin’ love Vector the Crocodile.
Janine: It’s really good.
Dre: Is- is Espeon the purple one?
Keith: Espeon is the purple one.
Dre: I like Espeon.
Keith: Umbreon is the-
Janine: Pokemon.
Keith: It’s Espio.
Dre: Espio, there we go.
Keith: Yeah, yeah.
Dre: Sorry.
[crosstalking]
Sylvia: That other one’s the guy from Assassin’s Creed 2.
Janine: I don’t know why Mighty- Mighty looks more like a bug than a- than a mammal to me. Mighty to me visually reads as a beetle with a- with like, a rodent face.
Austin: Oh, you’re right.
Janine: Which is the worst thing in the world.
Keith: I mean, he’s an- he’s an armadillo, and they’re not the most mammal-looking mammals.
Janine: I- I know- I know they’re- they’re special, but like-
Austin: Wait. Wait. You’re saying Espio? You’re talking about Espio?
[crosstalking]
Sylvia: No, we’re talkin’ about Mighty.
Keith: Espio- Espio’s the Chameleon.
Janine: Mighty.
Austin: Espio’s the Chameleon.
Keith: We’re talking about Mighty. Yeah.
Janine: Yeah.
Austin: Oh, who’s Mighty?
Keith: We’re talking about Mighty the Armadillo.
Austin: Mighty the Armadillo?
Keith: Mighty’s the fuckin’ guy. Mighty the Armadillo.
Janine: Mighty’s the comeback kid.
Austin: I didn’t know Mighty was an armadillo.
Keith: Mighty is the guy that Kylie has been dying to return and finally is now in a DLC pack for Sonic Mania.
Austin: Along with a new character.
Keith: Along with the other character who is not new. Is-
Janine: Was Kylie just dying for him to return because she[2] wanted a thing- she wanted a thing to push that would never ever happen, but then it happened, and now it’s just kind of sad.
Keith: No, I really-
Austin: Can I read from-
Keith: -I really think-
Austin: Can I read about Mighty for you?
Keith: Yeah, you- Yeah, totally can. Yeah.
Austin: Really quick. Just this one section. I don’t need the whole thing, you know. It’s not- it’s not like that. Mighty is described- This is from the Sonic wikia- Mighty-
Janine: Can we get a milkshake duck Mighty? Ok. [Sylvia laughs]
Austin: Mighty is described as ‘a gentle pacifist who detests violence and roughness. However he is willing to use his strength and fighting abilities when there’s trouble afoot and when there’s no’-
Keith: That’s not what a pacifist is.
Austin: It’s not. ‘And when there is no other option. He loves to travel, and his aim in life is to journey to all the places in the world.’ [laughs] Which is a lot. ‘Some of the things Mighty enjoys include forest bathing, peace, and nature.’ And forest bathing is a link out.
[crosstalking]
Keith: Sick. What is the link to?
Janine: Isn’t forest bathing when you walk naked in a forest?
Keith: Oh, you mean like, absorbing the earth’s energies through your feet? Through your bare feet?
Austin: Yes, it looks like that is it.
[crosstalking]
Keith: Ok. I- cause I thought that it was like a nice-
Janine: It seems related to like, dew baths.
Dre: Huh.
Keith: Oh, cause-
Austin: Uh, let’s not call it that. [Janine laughs]
Keith: Cause at first I thought it was just like, ‘oh, he likes to wade in a vernal pool’. Um, but yes-
Janine: Austin, I hope to god you’re recording right now.
Austin: Oh, I am.
Dre: Good.
Janine: Good.
Keith: I believe that the reason that Kylie want- wanted Mighty to come back so bad is because she genuinely likes Mighty and because she’s sick of seeing the lesser-
Janine: [interrupting] What is there to like?!
Keith: She- I don’t- Well-
Janine: He’s just round shapes- There’s no-
Keith: -maybe play more Knuckles Chaotix.
Austin: Yeah, Janine.
Keith: Yeah.
Janine: Where’s the- I watched you play that. [laughs] There is no Knuckles Chaotix lore-
Austin: Yeah, Janine.
Janine: -that would justify passion for any of those characters. But there’s-
[heavy crosstalking]
Keith: Well-
Austin: Mighty-
Sylvia: I mean, Vector is pretty good. That-
Keith: Yeah, that was such a good-
Sylvia: I justify passion for Vector the Crocodile.
Janine: Yeah, it’s cool. Vector is cool looking.
Keith: Vector’s a huge-
Janine: That’s fine. I get that. Mighty is just nothing.
Austin: Vector has golden chains and he’s good.
Sylvia: And he’s a musician.
Keith: He’s good, but- but I mean-
Janine: I’m on team Vector here. I’m not not on team Vector.
Sylvia: Ok.
Keith: I mean, but here’s the thing. When you- when you see Charmy Bee show up, and you’re like-
Austin: Right.
Keith: -but where’s Mighty? They keep- they keep bringing the chaotix back, and for some reason Mighty’s not there. It happened in Generations
Austin: Oh.
[heavy crosstalking]
Keith: It happened in Sonic Forces.
Austin: I see what you’re saying.
Keith: Yeah.
Austin: You’re saying- you’re saying-
Janine: Oh.
Keith: Right, so where’s Mighty? You know?
Austin: Where’s- #WheresMighty.
Janine: Maybe he was sick.
Keith: #WheresMighty.
Austin: Where’s Mighty strength?
Janine: Maybe he was-
Keith: Maybe he was sick every- every time?
Janine: Maybe someone in his family was sick, and he was taking care of them.
Keith: You’re right. That’s-
Janine: Cause he’s- he’s gentle and doesn’t like roughness.
Keith: If you read the fucking- if you read the booklet-
Janine: And also they live in Europe so two birds, one stone.
Dre: Mm.
Austin: Does he have a family?
Janine: Every- everyone has families.
Keith: Oh my god, does Mighty not have a family? Mighty-
Austin: Oh, he’s affiliated with Moss the Sloth.
Sylvia: Oh, ok.
Janine: [shouting] Who the fuck is that? [laughs]
Austin: I gotcha.
Keith: Oh, you don’t know Moss the Sloth?
Janine: No.
Austin: You’re not familiar with the Sloth- Moss the Sloth?
Keith: [overlapped] I found out Mighty’s-
Janine: Sloths can’t be in Sonic. That’s not how Sonic goes.
Austin: What? Why can’t sloths be in-
Janine: Sonic is fast things.
[crosstalking]
Austin: Yeah, that’s Moss the Sloth.
Sylvia: Oh, I don’t like this sloth.
Keith: I found Mighty’s family.
Sylvia: Oh, I don’t like this sloth at all.
Austin: What’s wrong with this sloth?
[crosstalking]
Janine: Ohhh, he’s racist. Is that what’s happening here?
Sylvia: Oh, I don’t- His design is making me uncomfortable.
Janine: Is that?
Austin: No, he’s horny.
Sylvia: No, yeah. He’s horny.
Dre: Oh, that is a horny sloth.
Sylvia: He’s got real horny eyes.
Austin: Wait, is he tiny?
Janine: Something about him looks-
Austin: What is this image?
Keith: Which one?
Austin: Why is [small laugh] he so tiny?
Janine: Why- why are you saying he’s tiny? He looks average sized in-
Dre: Oh, here we go.
Sylvia: I think that’s just-
Keith: I believe-
Janine: He’s in the background. Sonic’s in the foreground.
Dre: It’s a weird perspective.
Keith: Yeah.
Janine: Yeah.
Austin: No, that’s a tiny sloth.
Janine: No.
Keith: [laughing] No, it is-
Austin: It’s a little baby.
Janine: I’m sorry-
Keith: Sonic is quinting to look at the very tiny sloth man. [laughs]
Janine: Right, and also off- offscreen here, what you can’t see is that Sonic also has a weave in, and he’s swinging on a bit of the weave.
Austin: Uh hm.
Keith: And he- That’s why Sonic is calling him a fortune cookie because he’s so- he’s the size of a fortune cookie.
Austin: Is that racist?
Dre: Probably?
Keith: What? You lost me for-
Austin: ‘Moss is typically a very laid back, zen-master individual’-
Keith: Oh, yeah. Probably.
Sylvia: Hm.
Austin: -’filled with wisdom and eager to impart it.’
Keith: Yeah.
Janine: Yeah, no the first- the second I saw this sloth meditating I was like, there’s gonna be some shit in here. This is gonna be some bullshit.
Austin: He’s the mentor of Mighty. He’s Mighty’s mentor.
Keith: Oh, this is what- Now this is probably why Sonic- why Mighty is half a pacifist.
Austin: Right. Because he has this fuckin’-
Keith: He’s a- cause he has this-
Janine: Why does Mighty have extra head nubs?
Keith: He has this fucking sloth.
Austin: Well, Mighty is from the Qui Err, so-
Janine: Mm.
Sylvia: God damn.
Austin: I think those are ears.
Janine: His ears grow directly out of the tops of his eyes?
Austin: Yeah. What- what’s- Wait, what’s wrong with th- what’s wrong with that? That’s where my ears- Is that not where…?
Janine: Well, his sisters have gaps between their spa- between their eyes and their ears?
Austin: Wait, what sisters? Where do you see sisters?
Keith: I gave- I linked his family.
Janine: Yeah, Keith linked like, his whole- Is this real or is this a fan thing?
Austin: That’s not real.
Keith: No idea. Literally no clue.
Sylvia: Oh man.
Austin: Who is that man?
Keith: Loving the jacket though. Love the jacket. Very good denim jacket.
Austin: That’s not Mighty. [Janine laughs] That’s Mikey. That’s Mikey the Armadillo.
Keith: That’s- ‘Hi, I’m Mikey the Armadillo.’
Janine: I like that he has pecks in this picture. [light laughing]
Austin: It’s bad…
Dre: Man, he does.
Keith: Yeah, it’s Sonic fan art.
Janine: He’s got a bit of cleavage, but still no pants.
Keith: It’s- Listen, it’s very-
Austin: Or- or counter. He’s wearing an all black bodysuit that has a big hole in the middle of his chest. [Keith laughs]
Dre: Yeah, I think that’s what it is. I think that’s what it is.
Janine: Also, his- his entire family is completely dressed head to toe like, Adaire-style like covered from the neck down. [Austin laughs] And he’s just wearing a shoe and jacket and gloves.
Keith: It’s very common for- for female Sonic characters to be fully clothed. What is not common is for this grandpa to be clothed. [Austin laughs] That is rare. Usually-
Sylvia: I don’t like anything going on with this grandpa, if I’m being honest.
Janine: He might not be wearing pants cause if you look at his face fur, it’s the same color. So, that might be the thing.
Keith: It’s actually his dad, but it- You know when you have a friend and we’re like, we’re in second grade, but your dad is like, seventy-four?
Austin: Yeah.
Dre: Yep.
Janine: Uh hm.
Keith: It’s that. I think it’s one of those.
Sylvia: [overlapped] I think like [inaudible]
Austin: Yeah. Wow, he actually has a closer- Ray the Flying Squirrel. Is tha- that’s the new one. Ray the Flying Squirrel-
Keith: Yeah.
Austin: -is the new- is the new one. That’s-
Keith: I believe that- that- I thought that that character was in other stuff.
Austin: Um, the comics.
Keith: Yeah.
Austin: Yeah.
Keith: Yeah.
Austin: Accurate.
Janine: I'm actually surprised they didn’t have a flying squirrel really early on considering how many animals they made-animal characters are in there for like, babies to like, glide.
Keith: No, I’m waiting for when they add Bean-
Janine: Like, echidnas don’t-
Austin: Echidnas don’t glide.
Janine: -glide in nature, for sure.
Keith: No.
Sylvia: Yo, Mighty fought the Werehog, you guys.
Keith: Oh, but- but-
Austin: What?
Keith: Hedgehogs do have an attack.
Sylvia: Yeah, Mighty fought the- Sonic the Werehog during one of the comics.
Austin: Hey, no matter-
Keith: Yeah, but they didn’t have the courage to put him in the actual game. [Austin laughs]
Sylvia: Yeah, I know.
Austin: Cowards!
Keith: Uh, yeah.
Austin: Alright, we should-
Keith: I’m just waiting for them to bring back Bean the Dynamite and Bark the Polar Bear.
Sylvia: Dude.
Dre: Oo, Bark the polar bear’s good.
Austin: Ooo. Well, Bean the Dynamite also has another name. Right? Bean is also known as-
Dre: Oh, that’s right.
Austin: Oh, no. I’m thinking of- I’m thinking not of- thinking of Bean. I’m thinking of Dingo?
Keith: You’re thinking of famous- famous sniper, I think.
Janine: Yeah.
Austin: Fang. Fang the Sniper aka-
Janine: Fang.
Keith: Also called Nack the Weasel.
Austin: Nack the Weasel.
Janine: Dingo the Shooter. Is that where you’re-
Keith: Yeah, aka the Weas. Fang the Sniper aka Nack the Weasel aka the Weas.
Austin: Is Dingo the shooter of something?
Janine: No, you just called him Dingo, and it just sounded off brand and funny.
Austin: Oh, well. Is he not a dingo?
Dre: Woah, wait. Hold on. [overlapped] Who’s Jet the Hawk?
Keith: Um, he is a- I thought he was a weasel.
Austin: I guess he is a weasel. I always assumed he was a dingo cause he-
Sylvia: Oh.
Janine: No. No, he’s not a weasel. What are you fucking talking about? He has a dog face.
Keith: His name is Nack the Weasel.
Austin: [laughs] He has a dog face. He has an Australian accent.
Janine: He’s Fang. Fang.
Keith: Well, he’s-
Austin: Hold on.
Janine: Fang, right? Aren’t we talkin’ about-?
Keith: Yeah, we’re talking about Fang.
Sylvia: Yeah.
Austin: But his other name is Nack the Weasel.
Keith: Nack the Weasel.
Sylvia: Ok, but it does say his species a jerboa wolf. [Austin laughs]
Keith: Ok, second des- Yeah, ok. They- Hold on. The sales department of Sega decided on him being half jerboa and half wolf.
Austin: Yeah, wait. Cause a jerboa is a little mouse.
Keith: But-
Sylvia: Yeah.
Keith: Yeah.
Janine: Those things-
Keith: But in North America-
Janine: One of those just eats the other one. Those don’t-
Keith: But in North America was marketed as a weasel.
Janine: Those don’t mate good.
Austin: That’s not a weasel.
Sylvia: [laughing] Those don’t mate good?
Keith: He’s said it’s a weasel. According to Sega of America.
Janine: A mous- [laughs] This is biology. Mouse plus dog equals weasel. [Sylvia and Keith laugh]
Keith: Honestly that’s pretty close.
Austin: I don’t give a fuck what Jeremy in the sales department has to say about Nack the Weasel aka Fang the Sniper.
Keith: I don't know if it was- I don’t know if it was Jeremy. I don’t know if it was Jeremy.
Austin: It was some mother-fucker who was like, ‘Hey, can’t be that.’
Keith: Any- Also, I do think-
Janine: I found a picture of Fang drinking a Pepsi. I just want to-
Sylvia: Ooo. That sounds fun.
Janine: I think it’s- I think it’s fan art.
Austin: That’s-
Janine: It’s not bad though. I don’t hate it.
Austin: That’s alright. That’s alright.
Keith: That’s alright.
Janine: He definitely does not have weasel ears is the thing.
Keith: Well, this is a fan art.
Janine: Yeah, it’s- it’s- This is- this is AngelaBlue18’s fannon and she did a very good job.
Keith: Listen- Listen, all I’m saying is that maybe he doesn’t look like a weasel, but you’re the one that said Mighty the Armadillo looks like a beetle. So, I don’t think they’re going for full accuracy.
Janine: He fuckin’ does. I don’t know. He looks like a bees- beetle with a mouse face, you know? That’s-
Keith: Also, Big the Cat looks like a monster rabbit.
Dre: Yeah, that’s fair.
Sylvia: Mm.
Janine: Yeah, actually they-
Austin: Is Big the Cat a cat?
Janine: Now that I’m…
Sylvia: Yeah, Big the Cat rules.
Janine: Fang- The jerboa thing with Fang actually explains the- Fang’s tail has always bothered me. But the jerboa thing makes the tail make sense.
Keith: Uh hm.
Austin: [overlapped] Are there other cats?
Janine: Although in a lot of this art, he’s posed like a kangaroo, so-
Austin: That’s what I’m saying! He’s Australian.
Janine: Yeah.
Keith: Well, that’s the jerboa thing. Jerboas have those fucking kangaroo legs.
Austin: Mm.
Janine: That’s true, but they don’t really like- they don’t use their tail to lean back and stomp.
Keith: No, no- well, they do have a- Well-
Janine: And a lot of these- a lot of these Fang things are- are kind of like-
Keith: Hold on.
Janine: -an implication of some stomping. There’s a lot of- there’s a lot of bottom of the foot art.
Keith: Well, look at this incredibly cute jerboa.
Sylvia: Oh my god.
Keith: That’s some tail shit.
Janine: Yeah, but they don’t- They don’t like- they don’t- Their tail’s not thick enough for them to like, kick back on, ya know? That’s what I mean.
Austin: Right, but that’s the dog part.
Janine: Oh.
Keith: Is that- is that real? Hold on. I have to find out if something is real before I link it. A pygmy jerboa. Is that real?
Austin and Janine: [simultaneously] Probably.
Keith: It’s so little, and it looks wet always.
Austin: Maybe you’re just looking at pictures of it wet.
Keith: Yeah, maybe all of these pictures are of a wet one.
Austin: We should go to time.is.
Sylvia: Probably. [someone yawns]
Janine: Prob- probably.
Dre: Probably.
Sylvia: Oh good.
Austin: This is not gonna be a long recording. We just need to doc it out. Uh, you want to clap at fifteen?
Sylvia: Sure.
[three quick claps are heard]
Austin: That sounded good to me. [Sylvia laughs]
Keith: That sounded good to me.
Austin: What is this thing you’re- Is that the pygmy jerboa?
Keith: That’s the pygmy jerboa.
[crosstalking]
Austin: That could be real.
Sylvia: That’s not real.
Dre: It’s so small.
Janine: Oh, it’s like, torso went away, so I could- I believe it.
Keith: It’s- it’s so small.
Austin: It’s very small.
[crosstalking]
Sylvia: Someone made that out of pipe cleaner. [Dre laughs]
Keith: And I learned that it was real.
Austin: Here’s the thing is if you told me it was fake, I would be like, ‘yeah.’
Keith: Yeah, it’s- Yeah, see? That’s why I needed to check.
Janine: Like that little bear. That little like, quote-unquote baby polar bear picture you see where it’s like, ‘no, someone just made that. That’s just a craft.’
Keith: See… And this is from India Today, the- the one I’m about to like- This is the one that I saw where I had to make sure it was fake. And I still think this one might be fake.
[crosstalking]
Austin: Yeah, that one’s-
Janine: I think that one’s fake.
Austin: -super fake.
Janine: That looks like felt.
Sylvia: I don’t like it.
Janine: That looks made of felt.
Keith: Looks super fake.
Janine: That’s extremely- extremely needle-felted.
Keith: It look- Yeah, it looks very- It looks like someone collected-
Dre: Yeah.
Keith: -a bunch of hair from a cat and just made it look like this.
Austin: Oh my god. These are real.
Keith: Right? It looks like- It looks like- They’re real, right? And it’s wild.
Austin: I hate this.
Keith: There’s one that’s like- That’s the thing. That’s why I was surprised that all the other ones looks so wet cause this one looks so dry. [Keith and Janine laugh]
Sylvia: This- this one you just linked look- is low-res enough that the like, foot closest to the camera look too human to me.
Austin: It does look like a human foot.
Janine: Yeah, it looks so human.
Keith: It does look really human. It looks like a size five. [Sylvia laughs] Aw, it’s moving. What?!
Austin: Yeah.
Keith: Oh, I do like it when it’s moving.
Austin: It’s so small.
Keith: It’s so tall. [Keith and Austin laugh] I mean, it’s tiny, but in proportion, its legs are very tall. It’s-
Austin: Here’s another little one right here.
Janine: Do you think they’re wet or they’re just like, really oily?
Keith: I think that they use product.
Janine: Oh.
Sylvia: Lot of pomade?
Keith: Oh, I like this like, rascal music that’s goin’ on in this one.
Austin: Yeah, this one- this one’s like, ‘oh, it’s up to no good. It’s out here. It’s livin’ its best life.’
Keith: ‘I’m running up and down an arm. What?’
Austin: Thing has huge fuckin’ whiskers.
Keith: Yeah. Very thick.
Austin: You know what? The videos don’t look wet. They look dirty. They look like they need a bath.
Keith: They do look kind of dirty. Maybe they take like, those dirt baths, yeah. Like a chinchilla.
Janine: Those would have the opposite effect though. Like, a dust bath- I mean it- it’s possible that like, people are keeping them as pets and don’t realize they need to have dust baths. That would make sense to me. Dust baths generally do a good job at making a thing look not-wet and oily though. [light laugh]
Keith: Hm, yeah. I bet all the dust absorbs the- Aw, they have little hair on their feet to protect their toes from the warm sand.
Austin: That makes sense. Oh no, this video is called desert fox hunts a lesser jerboa. Which one, rude.
Keith: Rude. Lowly worm. Rude. [Austin laughs]
Sylvia: Oh Jesus. I accidentally opened Premier. Oh no. Go away.
Austin: Oh.
Austin and Janine: [simultaneously] Uh oh.
Sylvia: I got it. I got it. I killed the process.
Keith: Good.
Austin: None of us- your- Our computers are gonna get laggy.
Keith: Yeah.
Sylvia: [laughs] Yeah.
Austin: Alright.
Keith: If you don’t do any video editing, you might not know that if you accidentally start Premier, then you um- you get- you get really sick. [Austin and Janine laugh]
Austin: That’s it. That’s what happens.
Sylvia: We’ve got about an hour before I start violently vomiting everywhere.
Austin: We- If we go for an hour, we have fucked up. We need to go for thirty minutes. I have a- I have a bullet-pointed list of-
Sylvia: Ok. [Sylvia and Dre laugh]
Austin: -of facts I need to get out. And that is it.
Janine: Ok. Shit.
Sylvia: How many of them are related to jerboas?
Austin: We’re not playing a session. They’re all related to jerboas- Well, that’s not this season, so…
Dre: Um, oh.
Austin: Yeah, no.
------ [transition music to indicate another recording is beginning]
Austin: My food is here also. I will be right back. [Janine and Dre laugh] And then we will finish wrapping.
Keith: What kind of food do you think it is?
Sylvia: I don’t know.
Austin: [in the background, getting food] Yeah, that’s me. Thank you.
Keith: I think it’s Chinese food.
Dre: Ooo.
Sylvia: I could go for that right about now.
Dre: That sounds good.
Keith: I’ll bet it’s eggrolls and lo mein.
Sylvia: Sounds nice. I’m just hungry, honestly. So, like, I’m just thinking about what I’d order right now.
Keith: Yeah. I’m kinda hungry. [Sylvia and Dre laugh] [Sylvia sighs; someone yawns]
Austin: Alright, I’m back.
Janine: Welcome back.
Keith: What did you get? I had a- a guess.
Austin: I got- I got- What did you- What do you think I got?
Keith: I… My guess was that you got Chinese food.
Austin: Correct .
Keith: And then my secondary guess was that it was eggrolls and lo mein.
Austin: Not eggrolls and lo mein. Chicken and broccoli. [Keith sighs] Keepin’ it basic. Alright.
Keith: Ok.
------ [transition music to indicate another recording is beginning]
Austin: Ok. Uh, when you all want to clap?
Ali: Thirty?
Austin: Sure.
Dre: Thirty’s great.
[three claps heard together]
Austin: Happy golf day.
Ali: Mm.
Sylvia: Oh, happy golf day. [Dre laughs]
Art: Happy golf day to us all.
Sylvia: I got to let my mom know. It’s her- She’s born on golf day.
Ali: Aw.
Sylvia: I don’t know if she- I don’t know if she- how she feels about golf. I should really ask.
Ali: Happy birthday to your Ma.
Sylvia: I’ll let her know. [Ali laughs]
Ali: Guess who- [inaudible]
Sylvia: I was like, well, how- I don’t know how to say it. Like, thank you. [Ali laughs] But like, she’s- she’s- [louder] she’s gone to bed. So, I’ll have to let her know tomorrow.
Dre: If you’re Captain Trash, is she… Duchess Trash? Like, how does this work?
Sylvia: How dare you call my mother trash.
Austin: @captaintrash
Art: Captain is a military rank. That’s not hereditary. Come on. [Austin and Dre laugh]
------ [transition music to indicate another recording is beginning]
Keith: That’s bad, but- so people groaned at a hundred seventy questions, and I bet that your hundred and seventy questions were harder than these questions, but one time I tried to get for nine dollars an hour a job at Shop- Stop and Shop, and that was like, two hundred and forty questions. That sucked. Yeah, it was like a whole personality test for nine dollars an hour you had to take [Janine groans] where you had to be like, ‘yeah, I promise that if anyone steals anything, even if it’s really inexpensive, I’ll report them’ is basically what they want you to say.
Austin: That sucks.
Keith: Yeah.
Art: Yeah, it’s like, how many ways can you be like, ‘I won’t steal from Stop and Shop?’
Keith: I won’t steal and I- and I promise I’ll report anyone that steals. By the way, I will steal, and I will never report someone for stealing. [Austin laughs]
Dre: Did they make you do math questions? I remember when I applied for jobs-
Austin: Yeah, that’s a thing.
Dre: -in like, high school, they made you do like, math showing that you could like, give change and stuff.
Keith: Um, no. This didn’t have any math questions cause I- I don’t know about uh… Every job I’ve ever had that needed you to use a cash register just told you exactly what to give them on the screen.
Dre: Right. Yeah.
Janine: Yeah. I mean I guess you need to like, figure out how many- what coins do I use to make twenty-three cents, but that’s- You should have that down probably.
Art: Oh, I don’t know. When I was working at the- I worked at a movie theater concession stand for like, six months, and as the person there who was good at math, I was like…
Dre: You were the god?
Art: Yeah, like when we were like, doing inventory at the end of the night and I could like, subtract two digit numbers in my head, I was like- [Dre and Keith laugh]
Janine: Ohhh.
Art: ‘Art, you figure- you make the candy work.’
Keith: I’ve worked jobs like that.
Art: ‘We’re gonna go mop the floor.’ And I didn’t like mopping the floors, so that worked out.
[crosstalking]
Keith: There’s two kinds of-
Janine: Some people have led tough lives.
Keith: There’s two kinds of retail jobs. There’s retail jobs where at the end of the night, they have a change counter, and there’s retail jobs where they do not have a change counter.
Dre: Yeah. God.
Keith: And you have to count everything by hand. And that’s bad. They have- It’s thirty dollars-
Janine: Oh, yeah. We had to do that at the pizza place. You had to just sit at the back of the fuckin’-
Keith: Fuckin’.
Janine: -place when it was all locked up-
Keith: Attention.
Janine: -and just count shit manually.
Dre: Yeah, count out your drawer.
Keith: Attention small business owners and managers of retail stores. For twenty dollars, you can go get a thing that will automatically tell you how many dollar bills you have. And it- it’s good.
Janine: Yeah, but some fifteen year old dumbfuck’s gonna break it. That’s my manager voice.
Keith: No. It’s- but it’s way-
Janine: That’s my- that’s my hypothetically manager voice. That’s not me saying that.
Keith: Is- But isn’t it ch- isn’t it cheaper- isn’t it cheaper to have like, real accuracy counting the dollar bills and every once in a while have to get a new twenty dollar machine that just- counting everything- that same fifteen year old counting everything by hand?
Dre: True.
Keith: Yeah, right?
Janine: Maybe- maybe- maybe like- Maybe teens steal them cause they think they’re cool.
Keith: I mean-
Janine: To- to be honest, I prob- I wouldn‘t- I wouldn’t have stolen it-
Austin: You would have stolen it. I getcha.
Janine: -but I would have thought it was really fun. But-
Keith: Yeah.
Jack: Is this a machine that counts things for you?
Janine: Yeah. Like, a change-
Keith: It’s a machine that counts money. Like, change and also dollar bills.
Janine: You can also just- you can also just like, make those. Like, I’ve seen-
Austin: What?!
Janine: I have seen and considered making one out of cardboard. You just- Yeah, cause it’s all just- Everything is just different sizes, right? So, you have to basically make a thing that is different size slots, and it will sort the coins.
Dre: Oh shit.
Janine: You know.
Austin: Oh, you’re talking about coins.
Keith: Yeah.
Janine: Yeah.
Austin: I thought you were talkin’ about bills, and I was all like, mmmm….
Art: Yeah.
Janine: No, no, no, no.
Dre: Also-
Austin: I’ve been to Canada. Your bills are not-
Janine: In Canada, we have colorful bills, too. So, we don’t have to like, squint at the number and then put it in a-
Sylvia: Yeah.
Keith: Yeah.
Janine: -you know, like we can just go ‘ba-ba-ba ok, fifteen.’
[crosstalking]
Keith: So-so the ones that I’m used to using-
Art: I haven’t ever had trouble reading the number on a bill. I just want to get that out in the world. [Keith laughs]
Janine: Someone-
Dre: American bills are also all the same size because we’re not very smart about our money.
Sylvia: We don’t have pennies either. Suck it.
Dre: God.
Keith: Wait, hold on. Does- Canada does not have different sized bills.
Austin: No.
Sylvia: No, different colors.
Janine: No.
Dre: Oh, ok.
Austin: Just different colors.
[crosstalking]
Keith: Yeah, they’re different col-
Jack: We have different sized bills, I think.
Janine: Actually-
Keith: That would be wild. Imagine having like, three different wallets. You go, ‘this wallet’s for my ones. This wallet’s for my fives.’ [Austin and Keith laugh]
Dre: No, but like-
Janine: I- I think one of them… I feel like I’m shouting. [laughs] I feel like we do have a smaller one now. Or like a larger one or something?
Austin: I mean you have the- the whatever- the oney and tooney, right?
Janine: The plasticy one.
Austin: The looney and the tooney.
Janine: The oney and the tooney. Wow.
Keith: Wow. Oh, the coins are different.
Austin: Alright, I haven’t been there in a while.
Keith: It’s been- Yeah, sorry. You lived there for years, and you- you already forgot the only thing [Dre laughs] everyone knows about Canada which is looneys and tooneys.
Austin: I remembered tooney.
Dre: Excuse me. It’s Wayne Gretzky.
Janine: I think you might have duc- about introducing a threeny and a fourny.
Keith: Ohhh wowwww, I would love to have some fourneys.
Sylvia: People have some words about this.
Austin: I’d love to have a threeny.
Dre: This-
Janine: No, they're not- I looked that up cause I-
Austin: Fourney is a lot-
Dre: Yeah.
Austin: -is way too close to horny. [Janine laughs]
Sylvia: Everybody on Twitter is-
Dre: Threeny and Fourney sound like pornhub tags, not like coin names.
Austin: Uh huh. Yes, a hundred percent. Um, apparently according to time.com, Canada is the only other major currency other than the U.S. which bank notes that are all the same size.
Dre: Yeah. No, everybody else does it different.
Austin: Everybody else has different.
Jack: Yeah.
Keith: Wait, hold on. Hold on. Time.- wait, is time.com taking over for time.is?
Sylvia: No, that’s the magazine, Keith. [Keith laughs]
Dre: Yeah, I was gonna say. Did you go to the wrong website, Austin?
Austin: Yeah, sorry. I just happened to come here, and they’re tellin’ me that the Australian dollar makes larger denominations, not simply longer- larger, but longer. [laughs]
Ali: What do you-
Janine: I mean good.
Dre: Yeah.
Janine: Like, if you- That’s-
Austin: Put me in control of your thing.
Janine: That’s a- that’s a thing that- that like, honestly really bugs me to think about of just like, if you can’t see…
Austin: No, I- Yes-
Janine: You have to just like, hand your money over to a stranger and just trust they’re gonna fuckin’ do shit? Like fuck that.
Austin: Totally. I think that- I definitely think that we need to have situations so that we can- so that if you can’t see, you can tell what denominations of bills that you have. There are other solutions though than making like, the- the equivalent of that long- long man Japanese candy commercial for your money. [Jack laughs]
Dre: Well, no, but like-
Janine: Right. Scratch and sniff.
Dre: -one is gonna be smaller than what you’re thinking of.
Keith: I-
Dre: Like, it’s not that their twenty is longer, it’s that their one, five, and ten are shorter.
Ali: Yeah.
Austin: Right, but that’s the part that I don’t- I don’t want it to get tiny- I- I have- I really love it when all the bills are the same size.
Janine: We need to go to Europe.
Dre: No, it’s- Ugh, I hate it.
Janine: I need to go to Europe.
Dre: I hate it.
Austin: Why?
Ali: Why?
Dre: I hate it. I loved being in Ireland the past summer and being- like, just being able to like, look and be like, ‘oh, this is how much money I have.’
Janine: Yeah.
Dre: I don’t have to like-
Janine: Did you-
Austin: Yeah.
Dre: -shuffle through everything.
Keith: Do you know no- Zero money is also the same- [Jack and Ali say hello and hi quietly in the background] all the same size, but-
Austin: I just like- it’s like-
Keith: Hey, Ali. How’s it going?
Ali: It’s great.
Austin: It’s like having a stack of- of like, eight by eleven like, printer paper. I like being able to like, ‘Oh, look- all of it comes- Oh, look. Boom.’
Keith: Yeah.
Austin: That just feels good to me in my shoulders.
Keith: Imagine if every page- How am I gonna tell that all the pages of this book are different pages if they’re not all different sizes? [Austin laughs] How am I gonna know what page I’m on if it’s the same size as the last page.
Austin: I think we’re fighting a losing battle here, Keith.
Keith: Hey, no, I don’t mind. Hey, listen.
Janine: Did you hear that-
Keith: How ‘bout just no money?
Janine: Did you hear that um… I think it technically counts as an urban- No, it’s not an urban myth. I- There’s a thing- there’s a lot of people who are convinced that the new Canadian money smells like maple syrup. [Dre laughs] I- I one hundred percent as not kidding. This is a serious thing.
Keith: A lot of Canadians think that? Or a lot of like-
Janine: Yes.
Keith: Ok.
Janine: A lot of Canadians-
Ali: But didn’t the old money just melt?
Janine: People… what the fuck? Oh. Oh, the plastic. [Ali, Dre, and Janine laugh] I was thinking the paper, and it’s just like, in someone’s hand melting.
Ali: I heard that when it was really hot, it would like get sticky or it would melt.
Janine: I don’t think that. If you put it in the washing machine, it doesn’t do great, but it does better than paper money, so…
Ali: Mm. Yeah.
Austin: That’s true. I definitely washed some- some bills while I was in Canada. Was shocked they came out pretty ok.
Keith: I washed my w-2 this year.
Ali: Ooook.
Dre: Oh.
Janine: What?
Keith: Yeah, but luckily I was able to salvage enough of it cause they repeated on both sides.
Austin: That might be a crime.
Keith: I was able- [laughs]
Austin: I’m pretty sure that’s what money laundering is. [Keith laughs harder]
Ali: Mm.
Janine: Give men purses.
Jack: What is a w-2?
Ali: Oh, Jack.
Keith: Oh, that’s at ax- That’s the tax form for-
Janine: It’s a water- it stands for water closet. [Austin laughs]
Jack: Ooh. Thanks. [Janine laughs]
Keith: If you have to go and- If you have to go and do like a job at a place, then at the end of the year, they give you a w-2, and that’s what you use to do your taxes.
Jack: Oh.
Ali: Yeah, and then-
Jack: Right.
Ali: It’s very easy. It’s just the one form. [laughs] And then that’s it.
Austin: It’s super easy.
Jack: It doesn’t sound like the sort of thing that should go in the laundry.
Ali: Uh un.
Austin: No. [Dre laughs]
Keith: No, it was an ac- it was an- I made a mistake. Oh, did I not say that part? I made a mistake. I’m sorry. [Jack laughs]
Dre: You goofed it.
Austin: Yeah, you left that part out somehow. Yeah. Alright.
Keith: I am ready to do the clap. You know what I like about having everybody here is it’s insane [Austin laughs] for everyone to be all talking at once.
Dre: Yep.
Austin: It’s a lot.
Janine: It sucks.
Keith: It’s a lot.
Janine: [laughing] It is.
Keith: I do like it. It ‘s almost like everyone has an audience that’s here. [Ali laughs]
Austin: Very excited. Very excited for the finale this year. Uh, let’s clap at uh, twenty-five?
Ali: Yeah.
Janine: Yeah.
Sylvia: Oh shit.
Austin: Ok…
[four claps can be heard nearby]
Dre: Oh.
Austin: Did anyone miss?
Keith: No, I was good.
Ali: Yeah.
Art: Yeah.
Austin: Alright.
Art: It didn’t sound good to me, but I’m far away from everyone.
Austin: Uh, we kind of sounded really good to me, so…
Keith: It sounded- Yeah, it sounded fine. You know, there’s eight of us, so there’s a little bit of wiggle room, I guess. [Janine groans]
Art: Ha! I tricked Austin into saying the clap sounded good. That always makes it onto the clapcast. [Jack laughs]
Austin: Fuck! God damnit. [Ali, Keith, Dre, and Jack laugh] I’ve been owned.
Jack: It’s a long game.
Keith: Oh wow. [Dre still laughing] I wasn't- We’re not even- We haven’t even started and someone got owned already.
Austin: I know. Alright, here we go.
------ [elongated transition music indicates the end of the clapcast]
[1] The name in the audio recording is no longer in use, hence the audio/transcript discrepancy.
[2] The pronoun in the audio recording is no longer in use, hence the audio/transcript discrepancy.