Pearl leaves.

I invite you to go deep inside as you read this story. This brave woman has opened herself up to possible judgment, criticism and blame and is allowing you to see her naked vulnerability in this raw interview. As we all accept, celebrate and honor her decision and send this precious gemstone love, even if we would want to choose differently for ourselves, our collective love causes this gemstone of Pearl to vibrate with healing and it sheds light on all of our paths.  

I left this interview REAL and RAW. I want it to feel almost like you’re getting to read Pearl’s diary. The dialogue is left almost exactly as it unfolded, with some slight changes to make it a little bit easier to read. You may still find it a little bit “clunky” as you learn the speaking style that this Gutsy woman has. There are 2 fonts throughout the interview:

1. I use this same font for my own “voice” and it switches to 
2. this style to represent the voice of Pearl

Kimberly: “Hello Pearl!”

Pearl: “Hello! Hello!”

We start off our interview with warm smiles and a truly warm atmosphere, even though it is over Zoom, it feels like a warm hug.

I begin explaining why I am doing these interviews and writing this book, “You know it is interesting. I went on Amazon and I looked over all of these different books that people have written about staying or leaving. And all of the books seem (I haven’t gone through ALL of them), but they seem to be giving advice. They are advice books. And I am over here thinking, “I don’t think someone should make a decision like that, just by reading a book. It is a very important decision to make.” So I am thinking, what makes THIS book so unique, it’s that I am talking to and interviewing women and getting their stories on how THEY made the decision.”

“Mmmhmmm.”

“And this way, the reader can see herself in how you and the other women have made your decisions. I do think that when some people read some of these stories, they will go, ‘Giiiirl!!! Why didn’t you leave him before?!?’ ”

I really crack myself up in laughter as I over-emphasize the spirited intonation of my sentence.

With a lingering chuckle I begin again,“But you know, it is so much easier to give advice to somebody else, than to take it!”

Still laughing.

She answers with a smile on her face, “It’s so true!” nodding her head, “That’s so true. I look at myself,” and she mirrors back to me as much playfulness as I had just used, “Giiiirl! Why didn’t you leave him before?!” And she breaks out into a belly laugh that accentuates her beautiful dimples.

“Let’s look at your journey. It really starts, I think, when a woman starts to think about divorce. I don’t think that was what you were thinking when I first met you.”

“No. No.” She repeats back softly.

“Exactly. Exactly. So even though he was cheating on you, I don’t remember if he was treating you badly or if he was treating you disrespectfully?”

“He was not.”  

“Maybe that’s a key?”

“As a matter of fact, he never really even let me know what he was doing. Even when I had those feelings, like he was cheating. He would never admit to it.”

“Then why did you go for couple’s counseling to begin with, if not to figure out whether you should stay or go. It was to figure out how to make the relationship work, right?”

“Yes.”

“Which is different. So some people think that if I go to marriage counseling that it’s over, or we have to fix something. But you went, rather to learn how to make it better.”

“Yes.”

Should I leave this marriage?

“At what part did you start thinking, ‘Well, maybe I should leave this marriage.’ ”  

“When I found out it was happening, he was cheating on me. He had been telling me, ‘No, I don’t want to lose my family.’ He sounded like he wanted his family. Then, going through those steps of working on things just to find out it was a bunch of bologna. He still was communicating with her, he still was leaving his job to go see her, he still was doing that stuff. I was getting more numb to the pain. I still didn’t think that we were not going to be together though. It was crazy, Kimberly. Because I kept thinking, ‘Well what’s wrong with me? Why can’t I keep my family together?’ “

She wrinkles up her nose thoughtfully as the memory slides her back into that memory.

“Almost every woman I have interviewed blamed themselves. They believed they weren’t doing something right, or they needed to do something else.”  

“Right. And it wasn’t until after we moved away, moved to a new city and there was the same behavior with another female. When that was happening, I knew it. I didn’t want to believe it, but I think up until then I was more afraid of change. You know, I had these two little girls. I think I was afraid of not having that family dynamic. But, you know what made me change my mind was, about three years after we had moved, I had received a phone call from a female that he was seeing. And that is when it just clicked. ‘Like you know what, I’m done. I’m done’,”

a pained smile pasted on her face eases into a growing sense of peace.

“What did she say to you?”

“She actually was hunting. She had found a picture of him and I at a ball. She was looking online, and she found me! She found me!” 

She laughs and throws her head back in amusement!

“She was looking for the truth, too.”

“This other woman was looking for the truth, yes. When she got a hold of me, what she said was, ‘Are you Pearl?’ I can’t even remember her name! Haha! There were so many! Anyway, she said, ‘Are you ______’s wife?’ And I replied, ‘I am.’ She said, ‘Well you don’t know me, but I know you. I have been dating your husband for the past 6 months.’ I said, ‘Holy Moly!’  She started crying. SHE was crying. SHE was hurt. And I was kind of crying with her”,

she exclaims with her eyebrows pulling upwards and her shoulders raising in disbelief! 

“You know, I felt her pain!”

“What was her pain about?”

“He had led her to believe that they were going to start a family.”

“Oh my goodness!”

“He had even met her father, her mother. He had spent time with her four year old son.”

“Ohhhh! Is that the woman that he is with now?”

“No!” Shaking her head again. “No…” her voice trails off with a sense of sadness. “No.”

“I can understand how you would feel for her.”

“Yeah. I definitely felt for her.”

“Something bothered her. Like something really concerned her, huh? “

“Yeah! She found me! I think something popped up. She was looking for me on Facebook, I believe. I think it was a memory that came up. And you know how you see memories of people. Anyway, I don’t know how it happened that she found me, but it happened!”  

“She probably could have even Googled or put his name in Facebook and the photo could have been posted someplace else, and he was tagged in it?”

“Could be. Absolutely.”

“I mean, nothing gets erased on Facebook anymore. You put it on Social Media, it’s there forever!”

“Uh oh!” She responds, laughing!  It’s good to see her laughing.

“When you said, ‘It clicked.’ Tell me more about that. You see, we can talk ourselves into a decision. How did you talk yourself into the decision that, ‘It’s Over.’ ”

It just happened. Divinely Guided I Am.

“I didn’t talk myself into it. It just happened.”

“What do you mean, ‘It just happened?’ ”

“Kimberly, for me, when there is something on my mind, I like to talk about it, right? I want to fix it.” 

The warmth spilling from her voice is so genuine. 

“After I got that phone call… mind you, it was crazy.”

She goes on to tell me about how her husband had been snoring really bad that night, and so she had slept in the guest bedroom! She had gone into the guest bedroom and had just fallen to sleep to get away from his snoring when her phone rang. She answered it, and it was this other woman!

“I was thinking, ‘How crazy is this? Because uncharacteristically I wasn’t in bed next to him. So it was kind of meant to happen that way.”

“It was meant to happen. Divinely Guided I Am.”

“Right!! I remember getting chills on the right side of my body,” she gestures gracefully down her side with her hand. 

“Like goosebumps. Like, ‘Here we go again.’ The goosebumps.”

“Another phone call?”

“No, it was the same one. But I am saying, ‘Here we go again with the cheating.’ So I got those goosebumps and did you know I hung up the phone at the end of the conversation, I laid back down and I went to sleep.”

 I laugh. “Like, ‘I’ll deal with this in the morning?’ ”

“Yes. I will deal with this in the morning! Right!”

“He left for work. I had a doctor’s appointment for one of the girls that day. I remember texting him, telling him that we needed to talk. I just told him, ‘We need to go our separate ways. We need to put the house up for sale.’

She shrugs her shoulders and bites her lip, “We need to go our separate ways.”

“Over a text?”

“No!” (Laughing.) “Over a phone call,”

she answers with an undeniable tone of delight in her voice! And she holds up her hand like a phone, laughing to show off that lustrous smile again. She repeats with her voice affected by the sheer empowering rebelliousness of it, “A phone call!”

“So when you say, ‘We need to go our separate ways. We need to put the house up for sale.’ What does he say?”

“He didn’t argue at all.” She says, her eyes capturing the sorrow that had decorated her during her years of wishing it could be different. She raises her shoulders in an exaggerated shrug, “I think he knew! So what had happened is, after the conversation that this other female and myself had, she turned around and called him.”  

“Oooohhhh! Yeah!!!”

“She asked him, ‘Why did you lie to me?’ You know, ‘Your wife is such a nice person, and blah, blah, blah, this and that.’ 

Her eyes twinkle in the revelry of how it had all unfolded. 

“So in the interim when we hadn’t spoken all day, he knew. He knew that I knew. So, he was waiting for it. And it happened really quick, you know. There were no arguments in regards to staying together, nothing like that.”

“In a lot of ways, you really didn’t go through that laborious, ‘Do I stay? Do I go?’- the process of a questioning period that so many women go through.”    

“I did go through it, prior. Now remember that he has been a cheater from Day One, and we were together for thirteen years! This was the last straw, and it didn’t matter. It didn’t hurt. It didn’t hurt anymore. I had gone through so many hurts and so many disappointments with him. I had believed that you try, and you try, and you try to make things work.”

How did you stay so calm? Why didn’t you rip his eyes out?

“So, women who are reading this are probably asking, ‘How did you stay so calm? Why didn’t you rip his eyes out? You know, why didn’t you just... scream at him?’ Why do you think you handled it the way you did?”

“I think it's my personality. I think it's my makeup.”

“What were you telling yourself? Because whatever we believe, we then feel and behave that way. So, women have told me that they lost respect for themselves, and when their husbands treated them badly, they thought they deserved it. You know, that kind of stuff. And then when it happened they raged.”

“I don’t think I felt like that. I felt like I had made a decision. I had children. I needed to make it work.”

“That was your reasoning to stay?”

“I believe so, yes.”

“I have kids. I am going to make it work. I will stay.”

“Yes.”

“And I know this about him. You kept going numb.You kept just going, ‘Ok, as long as he treats me well…’ You see, in a lot of other interviews I’ve done, the men started treating them badly, but in your case, he didn’t go there.”

“No. No.”

“He wasn’t a mean cheater. He wasn’t an ugly cheater.”  

“No. He never called me outside of my name. He never put his hands on me. It was more so the communication kind of died out. There wasn’t really anything for us to talk about.”

“Because he didn’t share his life with you?”

“No. He didn’t.”

“He had this secret life that he shared with other women.”

“Yeah.” Her mouth forms an expression of distance.

“The thing is we fall in love. We have feelings that we call love, when we share ourselves with somebody. When someone has an affair partner, they open themselves up to that person. That new partner often knows everything about them, about the wife, and the kids, about everything! Where the wife doesn’t know ANYTHING about the affair partner.”

“Right,” she says sweetly, slightly nodding her head.

“What happens is they then fall out of love with the person that they keep the secret from.  Isn’t that interesting? So all of the sudden he’s going to go, ‘I don’t love you anymore Pearl. I’m just here because I want my family. And I love this other woman because I am sharing myself with her. She knows everything about me, all my secrets, all my dirty secrets.’ ”

“Right, right. Yeah.”

What did it take for you to get a divorce?

“What would you say it took for you to decide to get a divorce, then?”

“It took-  time, a lot of time! After we had come to you for counseling he had been continuing to have affairs. At the time that woman called me, he was seeing three women simultaneously. We were married for thirteen years,” her voice trails off as her mind fades far away into another reality. 

“It took me, I guess you could say that it took me thirteen years. Because it started from the very beginning. I saw the red flags. I thought that if I loved him enough, you know, that he would love me in return. If I respected him, he would respect me. You know, you always think that somebody is going to be who you are to them, and Whew!” She exclaims, two octaves higher. 

“That is NOT true!” She shakes her head back and forth. 

“That is not true”, she repeats as if to herself.

I thought that if I loved him enough, you know, that he would love me in return. If I respected him, he would respect me. FULL PAGE QUOTE

“You’re right! You’re right! You know what I have also seen is that someone will change who they innately are, their nature, for the other person. You could have turned ugly, but you didn’t. You could have turned nasty, but you didn’t. You stayed true to your nature. You did!”

How did you not become bitter?

“I am telling you there are going to be women who read this that are going to want to know, how did you do that? How did you not become bitter? How did you not become ugly? How did you not become revengeful? Because other women will feel like, ‘I just want to kill him!’ ”

“Well you know Kimberly, you helped me so much! When I lived there, I was going to church and I was coming to see you. I realized that everyone has their own loves, wants, needs. You can’t put yourself on somebody else. You can’t make them feel the way that you do. So, you know, initially when he and I had gotten together, I was much older than him! Fifteen years! So, maybe he really did feel like he was missing out. Maybe I really wasn’t who he wanted or needed. You know, I think as we go along we meet people, we fall in love, we grow, but we can grow apart. Our wants, our needs, our desires all change. You know, I can’t blame anybody for that. I can’t blame him for that. If I am not what he needed, then I have to be ok with that. So I think that’s why I didn’t blow up. I would take it out on myself. You know, I would cry. I would try to get through it, but it was more so with being sad and crying and getting it out. But in regard to that, I don’t want to be with anyone that doesn’t want to be with me. And it’s ok.”

“A lot of times women will use the phrase, ‘But I love him. I stayed with him because I loved him. He treated me badly, but I loved him.’ But in your case, he didn’t treat you badly. Was there ever a time where you thought, ‘I don’t love him?’ ”

“To tell you the truth, right now… I don’t think I ever was in love with him.”

“Really?”

“Yes, I don't think I ever was in love with him.”

“Did you think you were in love with him, and now you realize that maybe you never were in love with him?”

“I thought I was, but I know now for sure, that I wasn’t.”

“Please say more of that, that’s really interesting. Why do you now say empathically, ‘I was not in love with him?’ ”

I was not in love with him because I didn’t know him. FULL PAGE QUOTE

“I was not in love with him. I didn’t know him.”

“And now you know that you weren’t in love, because now you do know him?”

“That could be a huge added bonus to add to the clarity! Because I know him now, but even going through the marriage, I didn’t know him. And I don’t think you ever really know anybody, but there was just something about him where there was nothing that he said that I took as truth. Because, nothing ever added up. Nothing really ever added up. Even our daughters now will say, ‘I don’t know him.’ Like, for instance, I don’t even know his middle name. I don’t know what his favorite color is. He’s just very guarded, like he doesn’t want people to know who he truly is.”

She states all of that, then silence ensues as she blinks several times.

“My guess would be that he thinks, ‘If you knew me, you would not love me.’ ”

“That is absolutely true.”

“It’s interesting. I wonder how many women say, ‘I love him, I don’t want to leave him. I will stay with him.’ And yet, they THINK they know him. They know him to be cruel, or they know him to be mean, or they know him to be a cheater, but they really don’t KNOW him. Because he didn’t want to be known. How can you love someone that doesn’t want to be known?”

“Do you think it’s like, they’re so secretive and they don’t want to be known so then we feel bad for them? So we think that if I loved them, then we are the savior, so to speak. You know, like we can be the ones to love them up enough to come out of their shell?”

“Exactly, Yeah! Ha ha!”

Pearl’s melodic laugh decorates the Zoom space as she nods and looks down as if with wonder as to why we do that. Her smile spreads so wide that it stretches out her lovely face,  she adds,

“I think that’s exactly what I did!” her voice still in a laugh of amusement.

“Woman to the rescue!” I declare! Raising my arm like a superhero!

“Yes! Yes! You know, you hear him say, ‘My father wasn’t there for me. I had to teach myself how to be a man.’ ” You know, you hear all this stuff, and at first you feel sorry, when you don’t know what to do.”

“Oh poor baby, let me help you.” I say in jest as if talking to an infant and patting an invisible baby.

“Yeah, yeah! Like, ‘Let me make it better.’ And that was part of it also. I remember when he went to the military, and he was graduating. He hadn’t spoken to his father in years so I took it upon myself to find his dad and talked to him. They talked twice and he said, ‘I don't want to talk to him anymore.’ I was thinking, ‘Wow!’ I think there is just a lot of trauma in his life.”

“I honestly think, taking the time to get to know somebody before you make big decisions about marrying them is definitely a must.”

“I am really curious because you know women do throw that word around, “Love”. You know, ‘But I loved him. I love him.’ And here you are saying, ‘I don’t think I was ever in love with him!’ How are women ever supposed to know? How are women supposed to understand love as a feeling versus love as a verb? Love as an action. Do we SHOW them, we love them. Do they SHOW us they love us? And is that what is more important than the feeling?”

“I think we as women use the word or think we love somebody way too soon.”

“Do you think it's because we are looking for somebody to fill something within us?”

“It could be? As children growing up, we want that husband with children and that white picket fence. From the time that we are growing up, that’s what we are looking for. We are looking for love.”

“I started observing when people are deciding to get married, that they are choosing to get married as a solution to a problem. So I started asking, ‘What was the problem you were experiencing that you thought getting married would fix?’ Most of them said,

‘Being alone.’

‘Being lonely.’

‘Feeling alone.’

‘Struggling with kids.’

‘Being alone.’

‘Feeling alone.’

And all of them mention loneliness, that they thought getting married would fix that problem.”

“No, absolutely not! I think that is the worst feeling! Having somebody next to you and Still. Feeling. Alone.”

“Oh yes! So true!” We share an unlikely laugh, “So true, we never solved that problem!”

“Yes! It made it worse. Because now you have somebody here, and you’re blaming them because they’re not making you feel, not alone.”

“Right. Right. Right. When we expect them to do that for us.”

“Yes! And on top of that, we’re making them feel inadequate, so they’ve got somebody else that makes them feel adequate!” 

Laughter peppers every sentence.

“So now, we’re alone next to somebody being cheated on and lied to. You know?!” At this point she is laughing so hard at the absurdity of it all, reflecting that she got married hoping it would solve the problem of feeling alone only to end up even MORE lonely. Her eyes are watering through the laughter as her head tilts up as if she were watching a movie replay of the paradoxical drama of it all, all the while laughing.

The Ultimatum

“Did you know that when we got married, and this is my fault, because I was pregnant with our oldest and I told him, ‘If we are not married by the time the baby is born, I am not giving the baby your last name.’ ”

“Ooooohhhhhh.”

“So I gave him an ultimatum. He fell for it and it is not a good reason to get married…”

“Not a good reason to hook a guy?”

“Not a good reason. Absolutely not. I think when you become friends, you can laugh about things, you can talk about things. You can argue. And over a certain amount of time, you know, years, it can take years. Then you can know that person, then you are truly connected to that person. Then you truly love that person. And you like that person because they are still in your life. But when you meet somebody and it’s like, ‘Oh! He looks good! And you start doing things, and it feels good. And you’re like gaga… that’s it! You know, we have to get married. And then you realize, oh darn! He’s already married! Or, you find out something.’ ”

“Was your ex already married when you met him?”

“No, but he did have a girlfriend though, of many years.”

“Yeah, he would tell me that he was going to work. He used to work at the clubs at night. And he would leave the house at about 10:00 and he wouldn’t come home until about 3:00 in the morning, because that’s when the clubs are open. I came to find out, he would drive out of state to go see his girl, turn around and come back in the 5 hours, or whatever amount of time he had.”

“Wow! That’s dedication!” I add with a note of sarcasm.

“Haha! Yes!” She throws her head back and laughs again!

“But I tell you, she dodged a bullet. She dodged a bullet!”

Advice

“So is there anything else that you would advise women who are in this purgatory of decision. Trying to figure out, stay or go? How do I make that decision?”

“In my opinion, you know the person that you are with, down deep inside. You know that, if they are saying they are going to work and you are questioning if they are actually going to work… Well, if you question more than you don’t question, you are probably right to question. So, fighting back and forth on whether I should leave or not (should I stay because of the kids? Should I stay because of my home? Should I stay?), you’re just prolonging the inevitable. And that’s in MY opinion. Because if I would have gone with what my gut said, I wouldn’t have been married for thirteen years with this person. I could have gotten on with living life a little earlier. I am not going to say that I regret it. I don’t regret anything that I’ve done because I believe that’s my path.”

“But if you’ve got that nagging feeling, ‘Should I stay or should I go?’ You probably shouldn’t stay. You probably shouldn’t.”

The knipple

“When I married Steve, my mother-in-law pulled me to the side, and said, “You need a knipple”. (That is a Jewish word for a bag of money). I said, ‘What for?’ She said, all the Brenner women have always advised that you have to put aside money, in case you have to leave so that you never feel stuck! And I jokingly looked at her and I said, ‘I am married to your son!’ And she said, ‘I don’t care.’ ”

“Right!”

“And I had a suitcase with $3000. You know, back in 1972 that was a lot of money!

$3000 in the suitcase, in cash and clothes. And my husband knew about it. It was in the closet for three years before I felt comfortable enough to dismantle that knipple.”

“It was really interesting. It wasn’t because of him, it was because of how many problems we had with raising his daughter. I didn’t know if I could do it. I didn’t know if I had the strength to take on this challenge. But after three years, she calmed down, and things got better. Because she didn’t sleep for a full year! She would whimper all night! I would be one eye half open all night. I felt like I was with a newborn. I didn’t sign up for that. I didn’t know if I could handle that. Steve did everything he could to make sure that I was taken care of. That he would not lose me.”

“Awwwwww….”

“Yeah, that’s when I realized that he’ll always take care of me. He didn’t want to lose me.”

“But that would be MY advice to women, my mother-in-laws advice. Make sure you have a bag of money, that if you had to go, you can. And nowadays, I would say you need to put aside $5000- $10,000 at least. You can get an apartment, you can get a car, you can make car payments, whatever it’s going to take. You don’t have to be stuck.”

“That’s true. That’s very, very true.”

“We’ve got to empower women, we’ve got to empower each other! Nowadays, divorce is so common. And women don’t have to put up with men who aren’t grown up yet. That’s how I look at it. If they’re not grown up, then why did we marry them? What are we doing with them?”

“And you know it! You know if they are grown up or if they’re not! You don’t need somebody to tell you that!

“Women kid themselves. ‘I’ll change him. I’ll fix him. I’ll grow him up. Just let me get him. Love will conquer all!’ ”

“Yup, Not true. Not true.”

“I love you my darling, thank you for this.”

“I love you! Thank you!”

“Lots of laughs, lots of laughs. This was a great interview.”

Kimberly’s notes: From a Therapists Perspective

These notes are not in any way intended to reflect on what was “good” or “bad” about each gemstone’s story. My perspective is intended for inviting the reader of this book to borrow my point of view with a broad history of working with relationships. I stand by Pearl’s decision to leave as the absolute right thing to do, because it is what she chose. My notes are an offering of wisdom that comes from experience. Perhaps by seeing things from a Therapist’s perspective, you will find your way to your own Gutsy decision, and guess what? I know it will be the right decision, because it will be YOUR Gutsy decision.

Pearl leaves

Pearl went to couple’s counseling not to fix the marriage or to make it better. Yes, she suspected that he was cheating, but she had to have real proof that he was cheating before she acted on it. And we don’t get from her that she was obsessing about needing to find proof either. Pearl stayed true to herself, kept being herself, did not lose her peace. When things were difficult and she could sense that the marriage was struggling she sought out counseling and she attended church to get the support that she needed for herself.

Even though Pearl felt alone in her marriage, she stayed for the family ideal.

She had the belief, “He will treat me the way I treat him.” She learned that was not true.This belief was one that had her holding out hope that things would eventually change if she was loving enough. She had some evidence that he would treat her the way she treated him in that he was not unkind or demeaning, and perhaps that is what kept her there. She didn’t have the connection that she wanted in her marriage and she felt alone, but he wasn’t being cruel and she did not have proof of the cheating. She worked on herself and did not become bitter even when she was hurting.

Her husband never let her know him. She didn’t know him in the way we long to know our partners. It is true that secrets are powerful at creating bonds between people, and when he would have these affairs and he would talk with these other women about things and sneak around secretly letting these other women know him, those bonds were compelling. For whatever reason, he did not open up at home and according to Pearl he still doesn’t open up with his daughters either, and they are also left with the feeling like they don’t really know him.

If I love him enough, I will save him

“If I love him enough I will save him.” It is Pearl’s nature to nurture. It is a beautiful quality to be so nurturing. The belief that our love will save another person doesn’t usually work in a marriage. Typically men and women alike have to save ourselves first and know ourselves intimately before we can let someone in. We often go on a quest or a pilgrimage of pursuing our dreams where we learn what we want and need and how to provide that for ourselves. THEN we are able to truly connect in an intimate and rewarding relationship, THEN we have something to share, because we know who we are. Love isn’t about either partner saving the other.

Another thing I see women will do is we will ask, “Do I have real proof? If I don’t have proof then I will believe him instead of my gut instinct. I will turn off the nagging internal “knowing” that I have, and I am going to love him.” Some women embody the All Powerful, “I’m going to make it work,” and will stay blind to the fact that their partner isn’t making it work. We can stay blind to the fact that we are not getting what we need when we are focused on being what we think they need.

After the first time that she discovered and had proof of the affairs, he had said he would work on it and that he wanted to maintain their family. She did her part and he went through the motions, but over time she recognized the same behaviors. When she finally had proof again, she was able to let go quickly. She focused on her girls. She knew that he wouldn’t stop. She stopped blaming herself.

The confusing part is that he never treated her badly. That is hard to understand. Often a man that is cheating will treat his wife poorly, driven by guilt for what they are doing.

Pearl tolerated what was going on because her value of having a family was more important than what he was doing. Pearl stayed a WOMAN. She was able to walk away from him and is absolutely fine, she didn’t change herself or become bitter in trying to change him. She doesn’t miss him. She doesn’t think about him.

What about Pearl’s story was interesting to you? Did you find yourself having reactions different from what Pearl had? I hope that you are beginning to see that every single person will handle things a little bit differently. How are you handling your situation and are there any lessons that you can take away from Pearl’s strategy? Here are a few other things you could consider as you continue to make your own decision.

• What caused you to start to wonder if you should leave your marriage?
• Do you know him? Are you in love with him or were you ever in love with him?
• Do you think of love as a feeling or as a verb?
• What if you believed that God/Source/Universe was supporting you and working everything out for you? Would that make your decision easier?
• Are you able to stay a WOMAN even when you are hurting? If the answer is no, what would you need in order to keep your peace and to step into being that WOMAN who is OK even when things are not OK around you?
• What would it take for you to decide to divorce?
• Have you been believing that if you love him enough that you can save him and your marriage?