The V.I.P. Room
Date: September 18, 2017
Good evening gentlemen! The velvet rope has been dropped, you made the list (with a Franklin for a tip), so come in and enjoy the top shelf life of the MOF. Welcome to the 1st installment of the VIP Room for season 42 and I know the masses have been chopping at the bit to sip from the golden chalice and feast on bounty from the penthouse. Let’s settle in for another edition so without further ado, here we go.
First let’s tip the cap to EA Sports who have managed to take the purest form of love, Madden Football, and turn it into a Kardashian-esque slow train wreck of beauty and misery mixed with rich black athletes. We, the Madden faithful turn out every August to throw our money at GameStop, Walmart, of whatever video game emporium we frequent in hopes they finally get it right and inevitably they don’t. Yearly. So this current installment gave us the option to play like it is NBA Jam with payers scoring TDs off the scoreboard catching the ball their pelvis, play like it is Madden 16,15,14,13,12,11,10,09, or play like it is 1999 on Super NES. EA Sports has mailed it in the last few years of Madden and I blame....US. That’s right, us the Madden faithful is the reason EA Sports doesn’t give a damn about improving the quality of their game because no matter what corn kernel laced steaming log they poop out each year, we buy it. This game has gone the way of money grabs with MUT and they have totally left the novice, casual fan in the dust to long for days of corded remotes and non-midnight release date. I will say this for Madden, they can dry up enthusiasm like a gym teacher chaperoning the high school dance and for that, I say….what a douche move.
Now we move to an exciting part of the season. One that deserves a WWE style promo tease before we go to commercial………………IF YA SMELLLLLL, WHAT JP, IS COOKIN’!!!! Yes boys and girl (looking at you Roc) the Goon of The South that CLEARLY outkicked his coverage on the lady front is back in the MOF. Seriously, that girl is way too hot for him. I mean he is a 6.5 at best, maybe 7 if it is a slow winter but come on, she is AT LEAST an 8.5!!! am glad to have my man JP back taking snaps and giving some out too with the boys of the MOF again. JP has taken over the moist chewy Brownies after their last coach got a botched gender reassignment surgery and ended up having female genital surgically placed on his forehead; leading to him constantly trying to f**k his own head. The AFC North just got a shot of energy as JP is back and roaming the sidelines looking to steal W’s.
Lastly, we issue a huge congrats to el Jeffe as he welcomed the future commissioner of the MOF into the world. All jokes aside, we are super proud of your lady for being able to stomach you jumping up and down on her until you got one past the goalie and lit the lamp. Seriously though bro, congrats and welcome to the Daddy Club. Cherish these moments brother because they grow up fast. Now get that a set of dumbbells and get those calves pumped up like the old man.
So last call has been made, the bar is shutting down and security has turned on the lights so that means the upper room is closing for the night. Settle up your tabs gents, the V.I.P. Room is closed. Shut it down boys.