As I forgot to mention: I am Fiona Maeve Geist (@coilingoracle on Twitter)

I believe women—including Mandy Morbid, Jennifer, Hannah and Vivka—who have come forward in the last 120 hours with accusations of abuse, assault and coercion. This believing of women also includes that I believe Zak Sabbath (who goes by Zak Smith and Zak S) feels safe to women who have rallied to his defense. He certainly has historically felt safe to me. Zak is a charming person, engaging, witty and knowledgeable—I quit a job that I spent 12 years smashing my head into a wall trying to succeed at and in RPGs was almost immediately lauded by someone whose blog was a major part of my keeping sane in a bad time, who took me seriously, who said nice things to me, who asked for my opinion. These are not mutually exclusive statements, the complicated thing about abuse is that people are neither wholly Monsters nor wholly Angels and people who have done harrowing damage to me in the past are integral parts of the support networks of other vulnerable people. Zak was very good at being conscientious about pronoun use, complimenting and promoting vulnerable people (I can only speak through the lens of being trans) and also capable of turning on people in anger (he frequently derides Anna Krieder for being a confused asexual with children, for example).

I have no idea if Zak considers me a friend but I did work for Demon City on spec, I did extensive playtesting for I am the Weapon and I, at times, argued his defense on the internet. Zak reduces the world into a crude binary of people who are well adjusted (and agree with him) and “crazy” who don’t.

The fact that he wishes to establish a counter narrative to wholly dismiss all claims of his abuse and violation is disheartening, it’s also horrifying because he wishes to provide a total replacement narrative using women who feel/experience his actions differently.

Responsibility would entail saying that he feels differently about those actions and seeking appropriate therapy to work on dynamics it is well established that many of his friends and supporters observed.

Apologizing, trying to make amends, admitting wrong, working on himself. These are all responses and promises that would not engender rancor. Zak has occasionally stated that he fears being prosecuted (in a court of law) or losing his access to work, a thing that is incredibly unlikely and the other of which would be rectified if it behooved him to take responsibility for his actions—even if he disputes particulars. The most damning thing for me is the total lack of reflection, Zak has immediately worked to create an discourse that paints him as a wronged party.

Zak owes me nebulous favors for unpaid work I did, here is what I would like: a retraction of the hit piece on the accounts of the women who came out with accusations and some serious soul searching and attempting to do better—such as seeking appropriate therapy and attempting to make amends.

I doubt these things will happen and I do not think I can do anything to make Zak do otherwise, I am sure that writing this will cause him to denounce me as yet another person falling into mob mentality and “nerd panic.” However, I feel that remaining true to my principles, I cannot go without making a statement. this has been an experience that has felt profoundly violating because I have a history of abusive partners, most of whom have blamed their behavior on my being mentally ill. Since such a crude binary exists for the terms of this debate: I am mentally ill, it doesn’t affect my evaluation one iota but if you want to dismiss me, that is your prerogative. I have always tried to comport myself with exceptional transparency and I worry my prolonged association with Zak will leave me a pariah in a community that has been extremely meaningful to me. I worry, because of my placating personality, that I am doing wrong and harming someone who has shown me kindness.

I can only trust in the principles that I take to be self evident when it comes to the complexities of abuse—further, I suggest people read Betrayal (a zine analyzing dynamics of abuse in sub-communities).

As a wider point to address: I suggest people analyze what they are bringing to this conversation and also, if you have a soul, that you not use this as an opportunity to carry out grudges, to gloat—especially people who carried out harassment of Mandy as detailed in her account—and instead take this as an opportunity to undo a Balkanized landscape produced by years of pointless bickering. I would like to issue an apology to some individuals I argued with on the internet. I would like to also condemn individuals that so often brought it upon themselves to perpetuate an endless and pointless argument that broke down the capacity to take seriously allegations of harm—our defenses as a community failed because of a siege mentality cultivated in years of conflict.

Finally, I believe women, I believe abuse is a serious and devastating experience with the capacity to be deadly, I believe hand waving it as personal conflict or attempting to avoid hard questions is a monstrous decision shaped by the darkest of materials.
I have spent the last 120 hours taking anti anxiety medication, crying and playing games with people who are also hurt by these proceedings.

I have considered quitting RPGs for good when I clear my current workload and I remain unsure if I can be trusted as a judge of character. Zak often jokingly referred to me as a sock puppet given the symmetry of many of our opinions, that was once a point of pride. Currently, it makes me feel nothing but a yawning chasm of self doubt.

Be good to each other.

If you have any questions for me I can be contacted by Discord.