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Orcs Will Eat You

Orcs will eat you

Trolls will too

Dafydd Illian sat bolt upright in bed as the deep, gravelly voice echoed through the room. "What."

Goblins beat you

Into goo

Dafydd peered into the darkness, trying to discern the source of the voice. "Seriously. What."

The light came on abruptly, revealing three long-haired figures dressed in white. One was Huinesoron, one of the oldest DOGA agents. One was an elven woman he didn't recognise. And the third was… "Tanfin?"

The trio beamed at him, and started to sing, pitching their voices high and cheerful:

But elves are vegetarian, we like our fruits and grains

We think we’re extra civilized ’cause we don’t eat things with brains

"What? No." Dafydd tugged the sheets in around him. "That's not right, we're hunters, we-"

That’s why we’re better

We’re better better better better better than you

"Tanfin, no, you don't think that-" Dafydd shook his head rapidly. "I don't understand what's going on."

Oh better, better… better better better better better better bet-

A huge dark figure lunged out of the shadows, shoving the trio out of the way. They shrieked as they tumbled to the floor, and Dafydd tried to untangle himself to go to his son, but the newcomer glared him into submission.

Orcs will eat you

Trolls will too

It was an Uruk, one of Saruman's creatures from the movieverse: a hulking great creature with a voice made of hate and slime.

Goblins beat you

Into goo!

There was a cough from the other side of the bed, and Dafydd rolled over to see, first, that his wife was not in her place, and second, that there were four people waiting by the window. All four wore false beards; three of them were kneeling, including DOGA's Agent Takua and his old partner Selene; the fourth was his daughter Jasmine, who was holding an axe and wearing a rather disturbing expression.

But dwarven folk are bravest, there’s no food we won’t try

We think if you can catch it, you should put it in the pie

"That… is really not how dwarves work," Dafydd said. He managed to drag himself out of the sheets, then caught the glint in Selene's eye and hastily wrapped one around himself. "Dwarven cuisine is as intricate and painstaking as everyth-"

And that’s why we’re better

We’re better better better better better than you

"For having no taste? Even if you were-"

That’s why we’re better, we’re better better better better better better bet- URK!

The Uruk - Dafydd recognised him now as Jareth, Takua's partner - had stomped round the bed, and now shoved the 'dwarves' over as he had the elves. He swung towards the bed and lunged forward, sending Dafydd scrabbling backwards uncontrolledly.

Orcs will eat you

"Ow." Dafydd picked himself up off the floor and glared at the Uruk now leaning on his duvet.

Trolls will too

"I suppose you think this is somehow funny? You-"

Goblins beat you

"Will you stop singing while I'm talki-?"

Into goo!

Dafydd grimaced, then turned in bewilderment at the sound of giggling from behind him. Neatly dressed in matching waistcoats, he saw Maly the Sprout leader, a bouncy-looking woman with black hair, and his other three children.

We Shire-folk eat anything that’s fried in butter first

"... I admit that's not far wrong," Dafydd said. "But why are you-?"

Especially mushrooms…

"And that's definitely right."

Mmm, mushrooms…

Dafydd coughed, noting the glazed look on Maly's and the other woman's faces. "Aren't you meant to be singing?"


"I mean, it's not that I want you to, but that was kind of the theme-"


Jareth leapt across the bed, crashing to the ground in front of the five 'hobbits'. Maly and her friend tumbled backwards, Bella grabbed Oleander and pulled him back, while Daphne (of course) grinned and tried to poke the Uruk.

Jareth ignored her, which Dafydd felt was probably wise.

Orcs will eat you!

"Not if I have anything to say about it."

Trolls will too!

"They like doing that."

Goblins beat you...

"No 'goblin' has ever beaten me, into-"

Into goo!

"Thank you, goo or otherwise." Dafydd folded his arms and glared - then scrabbled to keep his sheet from falling down. "Is there a purpose to all this?"

"Oh, I think so."

Constance stepped in from the next room and waved at the far corner. Dafydd squinted into the shadows lingering there. Was that… "A camera?"

"Correct! Well done." Constance beamed. "This has been your April Fool's episode of Ardolindi: Songs of Arda. Special thanks to the Department of Geographical Aberrations, and the Department of Out-of-Character Hobbits. And now," she concluded, looking at her husband's expression, "I think we all need to run away. Quickly."

Orcs will eat you

Orcs will eat you…

Disclaimer: Orcs Will Eat You belongs to Heather Dale. Middle-earth and everything in it was created by J.R.R. Tolkien. The PPC is the work of Jay and Acacia. Dafydd and his family belong to me and Kaitlyn; all other agents in this story (Huinesoron, Takua, and Jareth of DOGA, Maly, Dagger, and Maethorwen of the DOOCH, Kaitlyn and Selene of the DF) are mine or Kaitlyn's.

Author's Note: Merry April to Dafydd - and to you! This is a canonical episode of Ardolindi, in case there's any doubt. Constance has contacts in HQ.

Orcs Will Eat You is not, necessarily, about Middle-earth. But it's clearly inspired by it, and this idea was just so fantastic I had do to it. The song comes from Heather Dale's latest album Imagineer, which I highly recommend.