Between lead nurture 2 and 3.
Context: My client (a gym that offers weight lifting and martial arts classes including muay thai, boxing, jiu jitsu, and MMA) has asked me to add emails to his sequence.
He currently has a 12 email sequence. I am working to create emails to add per his request.
This email would go after the first 2 follow ups after a lead acquisition and another HSO.
Avatar Summary: This gym is not cheap. The avatar is a 40 year old corporate professional. He has a high income and is a high achiever. He was active as a young man (high school, college) but never really got into weight lifting and therefore doesn't really know what to do in a gym.
He wants to get in shape. His pain point is that he knows his health is declining due to poor diet and little physical activity. But he doesn't really know where to start. He doesn't want to just join a typical gym like a Golds Gym because of all the baggage and misinformation that comes with it.
He doesn't want to be around meatheads slamming weights. He doesn't want judgemental looks from others in the gym.
He is an achiever. He doesn't want to look like a total newb or an amateur. He’s not used to that.
He is afraid of embarrassment.
He wants to get in shape and be a role model for his kids.
But he doesn't want to have to take the time to study exercises, read a million online articles about workouts, figure out the mystery behind fitness, etc.
He wants a gym where he can just show up and be told exactly what to do by patient, professional trainers in a class setting.
That is what my client (Phoenix Fitness and Martial Arts) specializes in.
Typically clients monkey branch over to the martial arts side after they have spent some time in the fitness/weight training side for a couple months.
HSO Email - Hook, Story, Offer
Richard,
“I’m on enough meds to se[a]date Short Pump.” He said to us during his consultation meeting. [b][c]
This is a quote from 4 years ago by Kevin, a 43 year old accountant.
Kevin has been a loyal Phoenix client of 4 years.
But 4 years ago his life looked quite different.
W[d]hen Kevin joined the gym he was living the typical suburban human experience.
Wake up. Slurp down some hot coffee.
Drive to work.
Run desk duties all day.[e]
Ge[f]t in the Nissan and head home at 5.
Have some pork chops and mashed potatos for dinner.
Drink a couple beers.
Veg out on the sofa in front of the news.
Hit the hay. Then do it all again[g][h].
Ken was taking a medication for all kinds of issues related to inactivity…
Blood pressure, sleep aids, prednisone for back spasms. [i]
Fast forward one year after joining Phoenix he was off ALL these meds.
Two years later[j] he was in the best shape of his life[k].
But that’s not even the most surprising part.
Click the link below to learn the most shocking aspect of Kens transformation.
<Link to landing page>
Talk soon,
[l]
Ethan
[a]I'm not native so maybe it's just me but I don't have a clue what "sedate Short Pump" means.
If you're certain that your target audience understands it, then it's fine.
[b]Not exactly sure what this means... but maybe it's commonplace for your audiences, in which case, it's good.
In any case, make sure that this is disruptive enough to catch your reader off-guard. If it is, he'll keep reading.
[c]I honestly got confused after reading that sentence. I’m not sure what a “Short Pump” is.
[d]Add the biggest point of despair between these lines, or you'll lose the readers attention.
"Kevin was absolutely done. He was tired with the meds and felt like giving up"
This is a terrible and bland example but just change it up.
[f]Mentioning the Nissan only for the drive back home could create a bit of confusion. Either use it for the first drive or leave it out.
[g]Their entire day in the life can be shortened.
Don't make it too long for the reader
And get the reader through this day with sensory language.
"Stuck hearing the honking from traffic while I'm on the way to run desk duties"
You can mix some of these different elements and add spice to it with a visual example.
[h]Yeah that's a good idea thanks homie
[i]What if your prospects cannot relate to taking meds for inactivity? What if they just want to go to a gym with confidence?
[j]What if you replaced this with just the word, "Now"? Two years sounds like a long, tiring commitment to the average person.
[k]Elaborate on what best shape of his life actually means. What would it FEEL like to them?
Think about why your prospects want to get in shape and include it in your story.
[l]I like this email, good job. Just some minor adjustments.