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I was going to do something to try to differentiate when they’re speaking in a character voice vs. their normal voice, but whatever. They don’t seem to care so I don’t either.
[Terrible Theme Song]
Opening Narration: Today marks the 20-year anniversary of the last reported sighting of the Greenback Guardians, seen defending the streets of River City from the volatile pairing of criminals and crime. Even after many other animal teams have taken up their mission to keep the people of this city safe following the Convergence of 2010, has any team truly been able to fill the void that the Guardians left behind? The citizens of River City say no. But tonight, those same citizens may sleep a little easier. River City has unveiled a shining tribute to heroism: four statues in the shape of those beloved Greenback Guardians themselves: Lamarr, Lovelace, Newton, and Carver. All lovingly rendered in ten-foot-tall golden glory, and keeping eternal watch over the city streets to the north, south, east, and west. The monument is a new permanent addition to River City’s famous entry pavilion, and celebrates not only the heroes of yesteryear, but the opening night of the History of Heroes exhibition in the museum’s West Wing wing, sponsored by Heron Sorkin. The History of Heroes exhibition runs for the next three months, and celebrates the battles of good vs evil in River City. From villains like the Calcugator and Shocktopus, to heroes like Omega Mouse and Jeremy the Badger Man. But the true highlight of the collection? An array of Greenback Guardians memorabilia, that includes their original signature weapons, an unseen cut of their TV pilot, and archival footage of their most famous rescues and victories. I have to say that I, for one, feel a little safer knowing that while the Guardians are gone, they will always be with us in spirit. Coming up after the break, it started as a simple school trip to the beach. But what happened next? We’ll bring you the hilarious ending to that tragic tale. Reporting for River City First News, I’m JJ August. Stay safe out there.
Travis: The newscast transitions to the station’s call letters, and then ads begin to roll. We pull back from the TV display in the window of Brody’s Discount Television Wonder Emporium, and make our way down a side street of River City. Several hours have passed since JJ’s broadcast first aired, and the city sleeps. But this slumber is not entirely peaceful. We return once again to the Arthur Gallery Museum, and find it shrouded in darkness. The streetlights on either side of the entry pavilion have been tampered with – the panels cut open, and the wires chewed through. It seems that someone is up to no good. The Bunny Brood are robbing the museum. Flopsy and Mopsy stand at the top of the steps, directing henchmen carrying boxes labeled “Greenback Guardians Stuff” toward a box truck. We see Cottontail, separate from the others, chewing on the legs of the Guardians’ statues. But we also see one more thing. Across the parking lot, taking cover behind a sensible green sedan, we see three Abnimal heroes. My first, and perhaps most important, question: whose sensible green sedan is it? Which one of you three owns the sensible green sedan?
Griffin: My guy owns a Cybertruck. He’s way into that life.
Travis: Oh boy.
Griffin: Waaaaay into that Cybertruck lifestyle. He –
Travis: What an amazing way to introduce your character.
Griffin: [laughs] There’s a –
Justin: Can I say –
Griffin: You never get a heel turn at the very beginning of an actual play podcast.
Justin: Can I – can I, uh, can I say brief sidebar, Huntington has its first Cybertruck –
Griffin: Oh shit.
Justin: - and it is a city-wide panic, trying to figure out who has the Cybertruck. It’s all anybody’s talking about here, is which dork bought a Cybertruck. You know what? Two, I do wanna say – two independent parties came to Sydnee to ask if I was the culprit.
Griffin: That’s ice cold, man.
Justin: And that is like, my brand is so bad, apparently. [laughs*
Travis: So… does the green sedan belong to Roger, or to Lyle?
Justin: [sucks teeth, raspberry noise] I -
Griffin: I think it’s messed up that you didn’t even offer it to me. I don’t actually own a Cybertruck.
Travis: You just said you didn’t own it! You said you had a Cybertruck.
Griffin: I don’t have a Cybertruck, that was clearly a – [keeps talking but is overtalked by Clint]
Clint: I think it would – I think it would be Roger’s, if it’s part of his cover as a -
Justin: Ohhh.
Clint: - competitive ballroom dancer.
Griffin: That’s good.
[minor crosstalk]
Clint: I think Roger would, would drive a… a, a sedan. It’s - it w- It’s like in the movies where they put him in some junky car–
Griffin: Yeah.
Clint: And it’s hilariously funny -
Justin: This is cool, Trav. We’ve never introduced a characters by saying what they aren’t.
Travis: Yeah.
Justin: That’s so – that’s such an interesting diversion.
Griffin: I think – I think you’ve got an Aston Martin back in the… back in the, the beach house.
Travis: I like the idea of Roger just constantly telling people he has an Aston Martin -
Griffin: Yeah.
Travis: - but he can’t ever drive it or sh—
[crosstalk]
Griffin: There’s a bumper sticker on the sensible green Camry that says “My other car is a Ast – don’t trip. The other car’s an Aston Martin.”
Clint: [laughs]
Travis: All right. So we see Axe-o-Lyle, the extreme firefighter axolotl, we see Roger Mooer, the cow secret agent. We see Navy Seal, the Ross seal… I dunno, beefy boy – and the three –
Griffin: The Ocean. Ocean… Commando… is the title.
Travis: Ocean Commando beefy boy. And you guys can see this heist taking place. Now, you’re far across the parking lot, it’s a good distance away from you, so you have plenty of time to plan an act, between you and this heist you can see the fountains of the museum, and you also can see that in this kind of driveway circle, there’s a manhole to the east, that is between you and heist, there’s also a manhole to the west, which is closer up on the other side of their vehicles, you can see, as I said, a streetlamp to the east and west, but both of them are currently off…
Griffin: Awesome.
Travis: …and, of course, the four statues of Lamarr, Lovelace, Newton, and Carver, surrounding, uh, a large golden plinth, aaaaaand then you have Flopsy and Mopsy, who are on the stairs of the museum while the henchmen are bringing stuff out and loading the truck, and then Cottontail, who is further south, gnawing on the legs of the statues.
Griffin: I turn to Axe-o-Lyle and Roger, and I start doing hand gestures. I start doing, like, two fingers in the air, sorta swirl it around, three taps on my wrist, sort of brush against my face, pointing with my whole fin-hand towards that area. I point at myself, kinda put my head on top of my head [editor’s note: not a typo, he said ‘head’ twice], push down, three more finger-slaps on the wrist, and then I check for confirmation.
Clint: Hmmm. I’m… I am… I’m sorry, fellows, I’m not quite sure I know what… indicating? Uh, [stammers] Lyle, do you have any idea?
Justin: [thoughtfully] Three taps.
[someone nose-laughs, sounds like Griffin]
Clint: It must… it must mean… something. Are you…
Justin: Remind me… three, man.
Griffin: [sighs]
Clint: Are you wanting us to… split up, uh…
Griffin: No! I – I mean, maybe. If that’s what the situation commands, but three taps for three bogeys,
Clint: Ah.
Griffin: Then pushing -
Justin: Oh, yeah!
Griffin: - the head down, discretion –
Clint: Bogeys, yes.
Griffin: When I point with the fin, it’s pointing at the direction of the bogeys –
Clint: Yes.
Griffin: And then –
Justin: Oh, yeah, yeah!
Griffin: And then this is just – and then I brush my face – discretion!
Clint: Oh! I see. Yes.
Justin: Always, man.
Griffin: I asked you guys if you felt comfortable with the hand symbols.
Clint: Well, I know, but we didn’t want to…
[scoffing noise, not sure if Clint or J-man]
Clint: … appear difficult…
Justin: You seem so proud of ‘em, man, none of us wanted to harsh it.
Clint: Yeah, that would… that would… s… you would… you had this glow while you were describing them in-- in our previous meeting, ah… [chuckles] I was… [stammers] it was very hard to disrupt.
Griffin: Okay, so… I brush my face again, three taps, thumbs up?
Justin: Wait, now, the thumbs up… hold on a second about these thumbs up, where… where we at with that?
Griffin: I just kind of shake my head, and I do a little somersault roll… I’m gonna try to sneak up towards the fountain.
Justin: Now the head shake.
Travis: Okay, uh… you’re sneaking up towards the fountain, let’s see –
Griffin: Yeah, I wanna get into the fountain, splash down, and sort of do an aquatic approach, Rambo-style.
Travis: Okay. Give me a… just straight 2d8… I’m gonna say this is an abs roll, because seals I don’t think are inherently sneaky…
Griffin: No, once we get in the water, though…
Travis: Oh, yeah!
Griffin: …it’s, we’re made in the shade. That’s a 3, but then an 8, which is the highest number you can roll on an 8-sided dice.
Travis: Okay, yes. That is going to be a success, but…
Griffin: Okay.
Travis: Um, so you are able to sneak over there,
Griffin: Yeah.
Travis: Um, and you’re trying to make it to the fountain, correct?
Griffin: Yes. I’m trying to make it to sort of the south side of the fountain here. For – far away – from the, uh, from the foes.
Justin: In the rules of this game, the Success Butt appears above you if you get a—
Clint: [laughs]
Griffin: It’s humiliating.
Justin: -- a mixed success.
Travis: You are able to do it, but… you’re hidden, right? You’re not spotted, but it makes a little bit more noise than maybe you were anticipating, maybe than you were going for, so Cottontail has paused their chewing on the legs of the statue and they’re a little more aware now.
Griffin: Can I have my control of my token, please? In Roll20?
Travis: Oh, yeah. I… I don’t…
Griffin: I’ll… aw, man. Gimme… gimme the toy, Trav.
Justin: Damn, you got a toy—look at that.
Griffin: We all got little –
Clint: Aw, cool, man!
Griffin: – toys down here, but you won’t let us play with ‘em.
Travis: Hold on, hold on. I can do “controlled by”…
Griffin: Set me loose, set me free. [pause] Yeah!
Clint: [laughs]
Justin: Let him clear his throat…
Travis: Look, don’t make me take that control—
Griffin: Whoooooaaaaaaaa!
Travis: --away, Griffin.
Griffin: Whoa, he’s spinnin’ around! He’s goin’ crazy, guys!
Travis: [sternly] Griffin…
Justin: Griffin…
Travis: I’ll take control away…
Justin: This is bad audio, bud.
Griffin: You’re right.
Travis: Um, okay. What are the other two of you doing?
Justin: I would like to activate my Nocturno-sense.
Travis: Ooh, okay.
Justin: In a darkened environment, and when not in active peril, Lyle can use sound and chemical detection to understand more about his environment, enemies, et cetera.
Travis: Okay, what are you trying to determine?
Justin: I’m trying to determine, uh, places where I might not be seen, like, cones of vision, that kind of thing? Like…
Travis: Oh, okay.
Griffin: Nice.
Travis: Excellent.
Justin: And also, like any…
Griffin: Big glowing weak points.
Justin: Explo—
Griffin: On their backs.
Justin: Yeah, I was gonna say weak points, but like, explosive barrels, now [stammers] that’s, like, probably not…
Travis: Huh.
Justin: You know what I mean. Just, like, any kind of adventure stuff.
Travis: Okay, yeah.
Justin: [laughs]
Griffin: Travis, I do just wanna say… this is… if you do put explosive barrels in the first encounter of your, like, campaign, we’re gonna expect them in… in all of ‘em.
Justin: He’s… Lyle… is… has an ability to… he’s exceptionally skilled at improvising melee weapons in his environment, so he gets his weapons around him. So I need to kind of know what I have at my disposal.
Travis: Okay, excellent. Roll 4d8.
Justin: 4d8??
Travis: Yeah.
Justin: How… [sighs] okay.
Travis: Four. D8. Not forty-eight.
Justin: Oh. Ey, man. My nocturno-sense goes wild –
Travis: Yeah.
Justin: -- with 8, 7, 5, 5.
Travis: Okay, all successes.
Griffin: [simultaneously with Travis] ALL PASSES.
Travis: Yeah, that’s perfect. Okay, yeah, first, you can see that along the side of the road closest to you, there are some vehicles parked, probably, you know, maybe courtesy vehicles from the museum, or a transport that they use, and so that’s going to give you some pretty good cover to get up pretty far along the line, but you can also see, just ahead of you, in kind of the garden, you can see the, like, greenery and landscaping area. It seems that they were kind of in the middle of redoing some stuff, so you can see that the landscapers have left behind sets of shovels, and… some, like, rakes and hedge trimmers, and stuff like that. A leaf blower, even.
Justin: Okay, and what kind of enemies do we have? Am I seeing--
Travis: We’ve got the three Bunny Brood, who are, you know, about, like, pretty tall, but ranging between, like, 5’10” and 6’5”… bunny… people.
Griffin: Those are bipedal rabbit men, yes?
Travis: Correct.
Griffin: Excellent, great. I was just checking.
Travis: As well as their three henchmen, who just seem like… pretty standard dudes.
Griffin: Human dudes?
Travis: Yeahhhhh.
Griffin: Okay.
Justin: And then, um—
Travis: Just your run-of-the-mill …
Griffin: What’s a normal—
[crosstalk]
Travis: Boilerplate…
Griffin: Describe a normal, average dude to me.
Travis: Me.
Griffin: Well…
Justin: Isn’t that interesting.
Griffin: That’s so fascinating to me.
[crosstalk]
Griffin: But not surprising!
Justin: Speaks volumes, doesn’t it.
Travis: They have different facial hair, though. So you can tell the difference.
Griffin: Cool, dude.
Justin: Yeah.
Clint: Good.
Travis: Oh, and they’re all wearing fake bunny ears. To, uh, indicate their allegiance.
Clint: Oh, that’s good.
Griffin: Yeah, that’s good shit.
Clint: That’s a good henchman move, right there.
Travis: And they each have little cotton balls glued onto their butts.
Griffin: Aww.
Travis: Yeah.
Justin: All right, I’m gonna use the… right side, outside the… the line of… of… cars there…
Travis: Mm hmm.
Justin: To move up closer in a discreet way, and uhh, maybeee… grab myself a rake.
Travis: Okay, yeah, and with all those successes, you are able to navigate that incredibly easily, and you’ve got your rake. Um, I’m gonna say you’re up—yeah, right about there, right by the streetlight east.
Justin: Perfect.
Travis: Okay, what about you, Roger?
Clint: Roger is going to rely on his natural, uh, dancing skills and just… make a beeline for… which one of them is gnawing on the legs? Of the statues?
Travis: That would be Cottontail.
Clint: Cottontail. Pretending to be a mime.
Griffin: Normal stuff.
Travis: Huh!
Clint: Well, you know, relying on his natural… you know, he’s gonna be pretending to be a street performer, a mime. And he’s --
Justin: Oh, okay. Got it. Okay.
Clint: And he’s doing the old “pulling yourself along with a rope”...
Justin: Oh, that will… that will be very distracting. Excellent job, man.
Griffin: [giggles]
Justin: Super job.
Griffin: Do you maybe want to go around the other side of the street than the one we are on?
Justin: [sing-song] Let’s not be too hasty… [normally] I think Dad’s got a plan, and I think [laughs]
Griffin: [laughs] To draw attention directly to where the two of us are hiding.
Justin: Yeah, you gotta… Dad, just go to a different place.
Clint: Well… I’m not…
Griffin: [laughs]
Clint: I’m going about halfway between…
Justin: Yeah.
Clint: That way, I can distract for both of you.
Justin: [snort laughs]
Griffin: Okay.
Clint: Yeah.
Justin: [laughing] Pull the focus to both of us.
Clint: Uh…
Travis: Yeah.
Clint: How close can I get to him?
Travis: Well, that’s a great question--
Justin: Now they’re just kind of looking at both of us, Griffin.
Griffin: We’re in both their periphery now. That’s awesome.
Justin: [laughs]
Travis: Yeah. A bold choice, Dad, to go ahead and move yourself up there. I’m gonna have you…
Clint: Oh. Okay, sorry.
Travis: This is… I would say…
Justin: [laughs]
Travis: Movement is your strong suit.
Clint: Right.
Travis: So go ahead and roll 3d8 for me…
Clint: A 1, an 8, and a 1.
Travis: Okay, yeah. I’m gonna say that with that kind of mixed success, you are able to move up, and Cottontail does not immediately attack… Cottontail’s not the brightest of the three, but it… Cottontail is going to move to kind of meet you in the center, and, like, is investigating what you are doing.
Clint: Mkay.
Travis: But so far, everybody is kind of still… more or less, in cover, but now, Roger, I’m gonna have you… perform this mime routine, and know that, like, Cottontail is already pretty suspish.
Clint: Mm hmm.
Griffin: I don’t know why he would be suspish, he’s just keeping watch outside of the heist and a mime came up. That—
Travis: Yeah.
Griffin: If that raises… stop being so jumpy, Cottontail.
Travis: Well… one, it’s a rabbit. Two, um, I would point out…
Griffin: I know, bro. That was the goof. I thought it up.
Travis: Oh, okay. But maybe my thing was a goof in which I was pretending I didn’t know…
Justin: Okay—
Griffin: But this-- me reacting this way to it is also a goof. We’re three layers—
Travis: Oh my god.
Justin: You’re gonna make a show that families can listen to, you can’t spend so much of it arguing about goofs.
Griffin: [laughs]
Travis: Okay.
Justin: Kids hate that.
Travis: Uh, give me… give me another 3d8 performance check.
Clint: Me?
Travis: Yeah.
Clint: Very well.
Travis: A 4, a 5, and a 4. So that 5, uh… works… Cottontail gets into it, and with that mixed success, isn’t gonna attack you, but does start doing it with you, by like, holding your hands and doing it at the same time, and—
Clint: Oh, like a tug-of-war.
Travis: Yeah, yeah yeah yeah.
Justin: Competitive dancing.
Travis: A competitive mime interaction.
Justin: Full contact.
Clint: But he does have a hold of me, correct?
Travis: Yes, correct. Mopsy, also, with that mixed success has started to notice something is going on with Cottontail, it’s pretty dark though, and so where Mopsy is she can’t see what’s happening? But is aware that something’s going on over there, and is gonna move a little bit this way to figure out what’s happening. What are you doing, Lyle and Navy?
Justin: Uh, I wanna… I wanna let Navy take the lead, because, uh, kind of in a point man position there, I’ll see what Navy’s doing first.
Griffin: Um, I wanna approach a little bit up the fountain, just so I can get a better look. I want to get an idea of how much they have already stolen, what part of the heist process it looks like we’re in…
Travis: Mmm.
Griffin: …if it looks like these henchmen are gonna peel off and go back into grab more stuff, or if they are about to make their getaway.
Travis: Okay. As we established, uh, in the water, I’m gonna say you don’t even... for this, lights off, no one’s paying attention to you…
Griffin: Yeah.
Travis: You’re in the water, it’s so easy for you to get close to there, but do give me, umm, give me, yeah, just a 2d8 check to see if you can scope out how it’s going.
Griffin: I do have a skill, “Bug-Eyed,” and…
Travis: Mmm.
Griffin: Ross seals have gigantic eyeballs, uh, that enhance Navy’s powers of perception.
Travis: Oh, sick. Okay, yeah, give me a 3d8.
Griffin: Uh, double success. 7, 2, 7.
Travis: Okay, yeah, so at this point…
Justin: Whew. Nice.
Travis: …the truck is pretty loaded…
Griffin: Okay.
Travis: You can see lots of boxes in there, and you can overhear a little bit, maybe like you see them talking, like, Flopsy’s starting to give some congratulatory, like, thumbs up, like “hey, we’re almost done, good job everybody.” So you can tell, like, it’s starting to wrap up. You don’t have long here. And I want to remind you, Lyle, especially where you are now, next to this street light, you can see, like, the panel that was pulled off to access the wires inside, and you can see, like, where they’ve been gnawed through, and it’s pretty, like, green wire is cut and there’s a green wire, you know, underneath the red wires, right, so it wouldn’t be hard to figure out, like, how to wire these back together.
Justin: [pause] Wire the… streetlight back together?
Travis: Mm hmm.
Justin: Or wire the alarm system back together? What is the panel?
Travis: Yeah, panel goes with the streetlight. The alarm system, you assume, is inside. But they don’t… for… maybe obvious reasons, don’t give access to the alarm system outside—
Griffin: Outside of the building, yeah.
Justin: [laughs] Outside of the building, that makes perfect… that makes perfect sense, Trav, I shoulda gotten that through context clues. For sure.
Griffin: I mean, I’m ready to pop this thing off. I don’t know… if you guys… if you guys are feeling like this is—
Justin: Yeah, this is good. I’ll, uh, push the streetlight over.
Clint: [chuckles]
Travis: Huh. Okay.
Justin: Onto the red, uh… the red one.
Travis: Onto Mopsy.
Justin: I can’t see that name.
Travis: Mopsy.
Justin: Yeah. Mopsy. It looks like that would work, so I’m gonna do that.
Travis: Hey, [singing to himself] ba-da-ba-ba-ba… okay—
Griffin: And then you can play it off as an accident, like a Final Destination whoopsie that happened.
Travis: What are you using to do this? Is there anyth—uh, skills you have, or…
Justin: Yeah, Trav. I’m using a rake.
Travis: You’re using a rake…
Justin: I said I grabbed it earlier, so I’m using that as a lever to make it easier.
Travis: Okay.
Justin: With my incredible strength.
Travis: So you’re… so I’m picturing this correctly: you’re wedging, like, the rake end…
Justin: Shovel. Not a rake, a shovel. Let’s all…
Travis: Yeah.
Justin: Let’s be sensible men.
Griffin: [laughs]
Justin: It’s a shovel.
Travis: Okay.
Justin: A big shovel.
Travis: Well, now I get it. Okay.
Justin: Now you get it. I’m using the tip of it underneath the bolts, and I’m knock… I’m, I’m knocking it over with that, with my incredible strength.
Travis: Amazing. Okay. Give me, uh, 3d8 strength check assisted by your shovel.
Justin: 2, 1, 6.
Travis: Okay, yeah, um, so I will say that with a 6, um, that mixed success, you are able to get it going, um…
Justin: Yeah.
Travis: It is making a fairly loud noise, as it goes,
Justin: [laughs] Yeah…
Griffin: [laughs]
Travis: So… it doesn’t hit Mopsy, but it does, like, they throw themselves backwards, and, like, she’s on the ground, right, very disoriented with what has just happened. But it did draw, well, some attention thataway. So Henchman #1 is headed that way to investigate, Flopsy’s heading over to help up Mopsy, and be like “what the… what was that?”
Justin: Oh, and when—after I notice all of them looking at me, I say “Yeah, I’m… I’m here for, uh… streetlight repair.”
Clint: [chuckles]
Travis: [I think he’s doing a voice here, but it’s just Slightly Lower-Pitched Travis] Okay. Sorry. Just to clarify, and this is—
Justin: [doing a voice all of a sudden?] Trying to get to the ackshesh panelsh.
Travis: Okay, just… so…
Justin: Y’shee, yeah, I gotta ackshesh the panelsh.
Travis: So you… first of all, it’s like, two o’clock in the morning.
[long pause]
Justin: Electrishity doesn’t sleep, and I can’t either!
Griffin: [laughs]
Travis: You can’t sleep at all?
Justin: No. [pause] I don’t shleep. We’re a sher—I mean, as a shervice, we don’t sleep.
[editor’s note: I just realized that the way I’m typing Justin’s dialogue makes it look like maybe he’s doing his Snowden voice. He is not. This one is like a cross between Vincent D’Onofrio in Men in Black and a community theater drunk character.]
Travis: Oh, okay. I understand. And… to fix the streetlight…
Justin: Yeah.
Travis: You had to pry it from its…
Justin: Yeah, I gotta get to the ackshesh panelsh, man.
Travis: Okay, yes, um… Okay, give me a 2d8, unless you have something that makes this very believable, give me a 2d8 and it’s… it’s gonna be a tough one, Justin.
Justin: Um, [laughs], two…
Griffin: Two big eights. Here we go.
Justin: Two big eights.
Griffin: Nope.
Clint: Mmm.
Justin: There’s a three and a three.
Travis: Yeah, no. Justin, that’s, uh, that’s a fail.
Justin: Yeah, that’s a failure [keeps talking but is overtalked by Travis, I couldn’t make out what he said]
Travis: Yeah, now, you do get to mark a point in your experience? Your advancement points?
Justin: Yeah, dude!
Travis: Practice makes perfect, dude!
Justin: [laughs] Point marked.
Travis: Point marked, and… Flopsy is gonna come charging at you… and attack you.
Justin: Wow.
Travis: Okay? Well… they’re a… a bad person…
Justin: No, I know, Trav. It’s just…
Griffin: Thought they had, like, a…
[crosstalk]
Travis: Oh, but luckily, uh, they do miss you on both, both of those were misses, um, so the battle has commenced. Now, so far, the only… well, Cottontail’s pretty aware of Roger, at this point, but the only--
Griffin: Yeah. They’re dancing, Trav.
Travis: Okay, yeah, in the beautiful mime dance. Um, Henchman 1 and 2 are also going to move in to you, uh, Lyle. So, Henchman 1. [pause] Uh, an 8 does hit, uh, so you’re going to take one point of damage from them, and Henchman 2… uh, another hit. So you’ve taken two points of damage, because you don’t currently have any, uh, natural armor, umm…
Justin: Okay.
Travis: Now Navy, since you are still undiscovered…
Griffin: Yeah.
Travis: …and undercover, it is your turn to act…
Griffin: Yeah.
Travis: And you can act, and then once you’re engaged, or whatever you do, um, you can take a surprise round if you…
Griffin: Okay, cool.
Travis: If you wish.
Griffin: I am going to use a Mondo Move.
Justin: Whoa.
Griffin: I… I think in this scenario, the most important thing is not even my life. It is that these precious cultural treasures, uh, these relics of the Greenback Guardians, cannot be… cannot be stolen. So I am going to use Torpedo. When submerged in water, Navy Seal can launch himself at a foe at tremendous speed, closing large gaps and dealing huge damage. I’m gonna say, not a foe. I’m gonna charge up the Splash Pack, this huge aqua jetpack I have on my back, and I’m going to launch myself like a… like a… a missile from God at just the side of the truck.
Travis: Ooh la la! Okay, give me a 4d8 roll against the truck.
Griffin: That’s an 8, 7, 8, 4. I think double 8s…
Travis: What you’ve got right there? That’s a Mega Cowabunga, my friend.
Clint: Yeah, my friend.
Justin: WHOA!
Griffin: That’s very good. That’s the best thing you can get in this game.
Travis: Yeah, it works. And. Um… so you… you impact the truck.
Griffin: I shout, as I fly through the air, I yell “munch blubber!”
Justin: [laughs]
Travis: Yeah. I love that. You slam into the truck in such a way that your naturally protective blubber takes the impact, so you don’t take any damage from this, but you hit it perfectly, right, so that the connection that connects the cab of the truck with the cargo area snaps loose.
Griffin: Oh, nice.
Travis: Right, so right now, there would be no way for them, uh, to haul that away, unless it is repaired.
Griffin: Yeah. And the Truck Nutz just go flying…
Travis: The Truck Nutz go flying.
Griffin: Like, they fly and they smash… they slap up against the front door of the museum.
Clint: Oh, stop. You’re making me nauseous.
Travis: Normally, it would be funny, but in this circumstance, because of the severity of the situation [couldn’t make this part out] mistakes…
Griffin: It’s scary.
Travis: It’s kinda scary that the Truck Nertz are going flying so violently.
Griffin: [laughs] That was the, uh, added effect of that move, is the intimidation factor.
Travis: Yeah, that was the “and.” Well, the “and” is, uh, you didn’t take damage, it’s not just damaged but broken, and Henchman 3 is so surprised by this impact, he was moving over, but he is, like, knocked down.
Griffin: Nice.
Travis: So you can act on him as well.
Griffin: Um, hmm. We haven’t really discussed the level of violence [laughs] that we are willing…
Justin: Isn’t that interesting.
Griffin: …to bring to bear.
Justin: Yeah. I mean, I think… Here’s where I’m at. Axolotls gotta be able to lose limbs.
Griffin: Yeah.
Justin: But I don’t think there’s gotta be blood.
Travis: Nooo.
Justin: So, what I’m thinking is, no blood. [laughs]
Griffin: Yeah.
Travis: Yeah, I think no blood is where we’re at.
Clint: No blood, no foul.
Travis: Lots of uh… getting knocked out.
[editor’s note: I was sure Travis was going to make a fowl joke here but he didn’t. Good restraint, bud]
Griffin: Okay.
Justin: But you can lose limbs, right?
Travis: YeahyeahyaeAEYAYAYEAH. You can.
Justin: Yeah. You can get sliced up and stuff, but like, you’ses just… it never blee--, there’s no blood, don’t worry about any blood.
Griffin: Yeah. Uh, okay.
Travis: Everybody’s very blasé about limbs getting removed.
Griffin: If Henchman 3 is just laying down on the ground, I’m just going to, like, sort of walk clo—
Travis: Not laying down. Don’t make it sound like he just is taking a nap, he fell backward. He’s surprised.
Griffin: Yeah, but he’s prone, right? He’s down, he’s on the ground?
Travis: Yes.
Griffin: I’m just gonna walk over here to start checking out the situation, and then very casually just kinda lay down on him. Just kinda, very casually—
Justin: [sputters]
Griffin: Just sort of flop over to the side, like I’m just sl—
Travis: ‘Cause you’re a big dude!
Griffin: I’m hopping int—onto the, onto the loveseat at the end of a long day at work. Like, that… that energy of… of casualness.
Travis: Yeah, and you’ve got the skill of Bulky Boy.
Griffin: Yes, that’s… that is true.
Travis: Um, so give me, uh, a 3d8 roll.
Griffin: Oh, that’s bad. That’s worse. I got double ones on that one.
Clint: Mmm.
Griffin: A 1, 2, 1.
Travis: Yeah. Uh, you go, but… you sit down upon him, um, but you maybe sit down in kind of an awkward way, and you end up rolling backward,
Griffin: Yeah.
Travis: Um, so now the two of you are kind of laying prone, uh, next to each other, as the one observes the other one like “what just happened?”
Griffin: This is nice.
Travis: That was weird. Okay, um…
Griffin: I landed on my keys.
Travis: [laughs] Oh no. I hate when that happens, man.
[long pause]
[Ads here]
Travis: Uh, okay. Up next, so, Roger…
Clint: Mm hmm.
Travis: Cottontail, having observed both of these attacks, is now on the defense. But, you still get to act first, um, because they had not, maybe, caught onto you quite yet.
Clint: K.
Travis: So you have, like, one chance to do something here. What do you do?
Clint: Uh… Roger looks at, uh, Cottontail, and says, um… “Pardon me, may I have this dance?” and does his Mondo Move, the Whango-Bango Tango.
Justin: Hate that.
Griffin: [laughs]
Clint: And…
Griffin: The name’s… yeah.
Clint: When someone grabs Roger or attempts to grab him, and he’s already been grabbed, he can countergrab the opponent, and put them into a disorienting spin. And I think he’s gonna try to spin him around, disorient him, and throw him into Mopsy.
Travis: Ooh, okay. Excellent. Yeah, give me a 4d8 roll.
Clint: 7, 7, 8, and 1.
Travis: Yeah, that double 7 there is gonna be a, uh, is gonna be a Cowabunga as well. Um, so you are able to not only successfully throw them into Mopsy, but Mopsy and Cottontail go rolling into a tangle of bunny, and they are both knocked prone. And, uh, Lyle, you are up.
Clint: Oh I-- wait, I have to say my, uh… my… my stereotypical bon mot.
Griffin: Oh, I thought—
Clint: He has to make some remark—
[crosstalk]
Clint: You know, like, um… um… “Don’t peter out.”
[long pause]
Travis: Oh, I get it.
Griffin: I don’t. I really don’t.
Travis: It’s like, I think, Peter Cottontail? ‘Cause he just threw Cottontail…
Justin: Yeah. “Don’t Peter out?”
Griffin: I get you now.
Travis: Yeah. Okay. Yeah.
Griffin: I’m just saying—
Clint: And that’s probably the best one of those I’m gonna do.
Travis: Hold on, let me look at the judges… yeah! The judges say it plays.
Clint: All right!
Travis: So… nice, Dad. All right, Lyle, you’re up. To remind you, I have Henchman 1 and Henchman 2 as well as Flopsy.
Justin: So… I don’t undershtand hashlin somebody who’sh just here to fix the electrishity.
Griffin: [laughs]
Travis: No… I… I’ve already seen through that clever ruse.
Justin: Oh. Well, in that cashe… and I’ll, uh, swing the shovel in an arc, hitting all of them.
Griffin: Holy crap!
Travis: Hmm. Okay.
Justin: Didn’t see that coming, did I?
Travis: Wait, did you?
Griffin: [laughs]
Justin: You’ll never know.
[crosstalk]
Griffin: It really did feel like you were putting that sentence together as… like, plank by plank as you crossed the bridge.
Travis: Yeah.
Justin: This is the way we need this arc to go.
Clint: [faintly, in background] Yeah.
Travis: Okay. Give me a 3d8 roll, because you do have the skill “Anything’s a Drum,” so you’re very good with improvised weapons, um, so give me that 3d8 roll and we will determine how well this swing goes.
Justin: Huh. Got an 8… and then a 4 and a 1.
Travis: Okay. So, I’m gonna say that you make contact with one of them. I’ll let you choose which one you want.
Justin: Uh, let’s say Henchman 1, ‘cause that’ll definitely get hit into Mop… Mopsy.
Travis: Well, I mean… it’s a lit… it’s a little beefier than that, but it does claaaaang right off of his head—
Griffin: Whoa.
Justin: Cool.
Travis: Um, the bunny ears go flying, and he is knocked unconscious. The henchmen aren’t… very tough, guys.
Griffin: Yep. Hence the name.
Travis: Whee… so he’s off the board. He’s unconscious.
Griffin: Holy crap, he knocked him, like, 20 feet away.
Clint: Man.
Travis: Yeah, I don’t know how to mark… I don’t know how to make it clear, like, “that guy’s unconscious.”
Griffin: But…
Justin: I don’t like him! Just make him go away! I don’t wanna see him anymore!
Griffin: Yeah, send him to the Phantom Zone.
Travis: There we go, wait, I got it. Boom. Little sleepy face there.
Justin: That’s good, Trav.
[crosstalk]
Clint: …a little King Cobra island.
Travis: Um, okay. So. Flopsy is going to attempt, um, to kick you real good, uh, by dropping back on his butt. [pause] It’s a 6, so you’re gonna take a point of damage for that. How are you looking, as far as damage goes?
[long pause]
Justin: I…
Travis: You’ve taken 3 so far.
Justin: Okay, well let me… that’s 3, then. Let me mark those… uh, 1, 2, 3. Got it.
Travis: Uh, and then the Henchman 2 is also gonna… just take a swing at you with big meaty [mumbles] Ooh.
Griffin: Oh, jeez.
Travis: That’s a double 6, so it’s 2 points of damage, there. You’re gonna need to eat something radical soon.
[Griffin and/or Clint laugh]
Travis: Uh, okay. Up next, we’ve got… so Henchman 3, laying next to you, is going to attempt to get you pinned down, so they are attempting a strength competition against you. So, they rolled 1 success, but you are a bulky boy, and you’re hard to knock down, hard to pin down. So you can roll 3d8s…
Griffin: Three successes.
Travis: Well, there you go. You… you not only beat it, but you, uh, Cowabungaed it…
Griffin: Yeah.
Travis: …with the double 5s. So now you have him pinned down—
Griffin: Nice.
Travis: -- the way you had originally intended to, but maybe not as permanently as when he was first knocked prone, but you are def – you have the advantage here, and it is your move.
Griffin: Um… okay. I mean, if I’m on top of this dude, I consider that pretty well neutralized. He is … I’m big, and he’s not… as big, and so that’s gotta be bad for him. Instead, I’m gonna look directly up at the two bunnies that have just collided here, Cottontail and Mopsy. As long as they are sort of stacked up like that, I’m gonna try to take this opportunity, uh… I’m going to, uh, look up at them, target ‘em with my big old eyes, uh, and then sort of twist the nozzles of my jetpack the opposite way, so that they’re pointing up, and try to, uh, blast them with a high-pressure jet of brine.
Travis: So you’re remaining sitting on Henchman 3…
Griffin: Yeah.
Travis: And you’re blasting…
Griffin: Mopsy and Cottontail.
Travis: Mopsy and Cottontail. Okay. Umm, give me, ‘cause you’re using hydro propulsion, you’re using your Splash Pack, so give me a 3d8 attack.
Griffin: 2, 7, 7.
Travis: That is a Cowabunga with those double sevens. Excellent maneuver.
Griffin: The Cowabungas are off the charts this ep.
Travis: Yeah. Um, so you blast them, and what are you hoping to accomplish with this [something that gets talked over by Griffin]
Griffin: Um, I dunno, knock ‘em back into the crowd of bad guys that are… [laughs] actively killing [laughs] Ly—Axe-o-Lyle?
Travis: Yeah, that’s pretty good, yeah.
Justin: [noise that sounds like a horse whinny?] They’re killing me!
Travis: The two of them go rolling, um, and they impact uh, into Flopsy, so the three of them are now in a soaking wet bunny bundle.
Griffin: Yeah, yeah.
Travis: And they’re gonna get knocked, uhh, far enough away that there’s a little more breathing room, uh, for Lyle there.
Griffin: Okay.
Travis: Um, it’s your turn now—
Griffin: I tap my wrist again, looking exasperated. Three times. Bunny ears on the head. Pushing down on my head. Nodding?
Clint: He… I think he wants us to take our pulse.
Justin: I’m more dead than alive, [something I can’t make out].
Clint: Oh, good point. Um… I don’t know much about the axolotl circulatory system. [clears throat]
Travis: Roger, you are up.
Clint: Can Roger get to the wet rabbits?
Travis: Yeah! I mean, Roger is, y’know, a bull, pretty well known for charging.
Clint: K.
Travis: So I’m gonna say that movement, yeah, very easy to reach.
Clint: K.
Travis: For you.
Clint: Uh, the plan is to use his, uh, cattleprods. When he gets up to them, he kinda does, like, a, uh, a breakdance move, like… like the worm, and…
Justin: It’s a funky breakdance move.
Travis: Now, is it like the worm, or is it the worm?
Clint: Let’s say it… well, he has to be able to touch his—I want him to touch his horns to one of the wet rabbits to give a shock—
Travis: And the only way to do that is the worm.
Clint: Yeah—is the worm.
Griffin: That’s…
Travis: Hmm.
Griffin: Basic physics.
Clint: He—
Griffin: That’s science.
Clint: He busts into the worm, and uses his cattleprods, which are metal caps on the ends of his horns that act like a taser, and since everybody’s in a wet tangle, I figure that will transmit to all three of them.
Travis: Yeah! Give me, uh, that 3d8. We’re gonna see how effective that is.
Clint: Uh, 4, 2, and 6.
Travis: Uh, so with only one success, I’m gonna say it… is gonna be super effective on one of them, moderately effective on another, and doesn’t touch the third. So which one are you hoping to knock unconscious with this taser?
Clint: The… whoever is the healthiest. Um…
Justin: [laughs]
Clint: No, let’s [stammers] uh, let’s start off with—
Griffin: You do a quick vet check.
Justin: [laughs] Get a doctor in here!
Griffin: You put a thermometer…
Justin: Hey, guys? [laughs]
Travis: Make sure none of them have any kind of, like, heart irregularities that this kind of shock–
Justin: What about your family history?
Clint: Um, I… Mopsy. Let’s… let’s… let’s go with Mopsy. No, uh, no, Cottontail!
Travis: Okay, yeah.
Clint: He started with Cottontail, let’s go on with Cottontail.
Griffin: I would love to continue the trend of Dad accidentally electrocuting and killing an NPC in the first handful of episodes of the, of the campaign.
Clint: Well, this is non-lethal shocking.
Griffin: Okay, cool.
Travis: Yeah.
Griffin: Non-lethal wet shock.
Travis: Uh—
Justin: It’s funny shocking.
Travis: With the combination of the soaking wet fur and, uh, the… the, uh, tasers here, you are going to knock, um, knock Cottontail out for at… at least a round, if not more. We’ll see how well they do. Now, Mopsy gets some of it, and is definitely not looking as hale and hearty as they were before. Flopsy is able to dampen the impact of it, uh…
Griffin: Got rubber soles.
Travis: enough that you… yeah, rubber-soled shoes. Big, y’know, big, rabbit-sized rubber-soled shoes. Um, so they, they are n-- looking untouched by this. Um, let’s see. Uh, next is you, Lyle. You got one more henchman on you, the other henchman currently unconscious, um, yeah.
Justin: All right.
Travis: So you just… you just got the one henchman.
Justin: I’m gonna, um… [sighs] I gotta heal myself. I’m gonna u—I’m gonna re—which of my limbs am I missing?
Travis: How many limbs does an axolotl start with?
Justin: Well… when a mommy axolotl and a daddy ax—I actually don’t know… if that is even accurate.
Travis: You know—okay, wait, hold on. You know that you can put iodine in an axolotl to turn it into a salamander, but you don’t know how many legs it’s got?
Justin: Four, man!
Griffin: And the tail, and the head. That’s six limbs.
Justin: And the tail, and the head! There’s six limbs.
Travis: Okay… um, I’m going to say that your tail, uhh, has been damaged in this fight. That’s where we are seeing the bulk of your damage.
Justin: Okay. I would like to he… [sighs] heal my tail.
Travis: Okay. So you’re currently missing how many hit points?
Justin: Five.
Travis: Okay. Um, give me a… roll, uh, let’s see here. Yeah, give me, uh, a 3d8 roll, and we’ll see how effectively you recover those hit points.
Justin: Okay.
Griffin: Oh no.
Justin: Oh, beans.
Travis: Well, those are…
Justin: That’s three—
Travis: Those are three failures.
Griffin: How busted is the tail that comes out? How busted and wrong is that new tail?
Justin: I don’t even know what—what happens, Trav?
Travis: Um, the, the tail just kind of… as you’re trying to push it out—
Griffin: [laughs, groans]
Travis: It… you’re making the noise, the [grunts] whatever your basic noise for a single limb is…
Justin: Okay.
Travis: And the henchman’s, like, looking at you, uh, curious, waiting to see what happens, and nothing happens, and there’s a look of concern on the henchman’s face that just doesn’t sit right with you at all. It doesn’t make you feel good about yourself or your abilities.
Justin: Okay…
Travis: But you do… hey, practice makes perfect, dude! That’s two—a second point of advancement.
Justin: Okay. But no healing has taken place. [laughs]
Travis: No, sadly, no healing has taken place.
Justin: You might say I’ve suffered more emotional damage.
Travis: And the henchman says “Listen, man, I’m gonna try to hit you again, but are you okay?”
Justin: Hey… that’sh actually sho cool of you. Thank you for checking in on me… yeah, I’m… I’m… I’ve been better. I mean, I feel like I’m learning a lot today.
Travis: Oh, sorry ‘bout this. And they punch you for one more point of damage.
Justin: Nertz.
Griffin: [laughs]
Travis: Up next is Henchman 3—
Griffin: We only have eight hit points, right?
Travis: Uh, yeah…
Justin: [laughs]
Griffin: So, Lyle’s almost… cashed in… cashed in his chips. FYI.
Travis: Yeah, three-quarters of those hit points are –
Griffin: Awesome.
Travis: Henchman #3, still sitting on top of you, sa—or, you’re still sitting on top of him—says, “Uh, listen, I just wanted to say… even though you’re squishing me, and… it’s… like, my job to uh, stop you… I just wanted to say, thank you for your service.”
Griffin: Oh. Uh… s- sorry, I should make clear: I am not, nor have I ever been an active duty service member in our armed forces. Maybe you heard—
Travis: Then why do you call yourself a Navy seal?
Griffin: Oh! W—um, well, I didn’t actually know about that being a thing when my color was assigned to me. I was a member of the Royal Seals—you’re familiar with them, I hope—and, um, so I was n—
Travis: They punch you twice, you lose two points, um, and with it being, uh, two successes on [mumbles] I’m also gonna say, like, you… you get not quite knocked off of them, but knocked back enough so it’s like, maybe your legs are on top of them, still? But they’re able to, like, breathe again, and they start to try to get up.
Griffin: Okay.
Travis: But you are up. It’s… it’s your turn there, Navy Seal.
Griffin: I, as they’re standing up, I look at them, enraged and hurt, and I say “I have nothing but the utmost respect for our brave heroes fighting our important wars overseas!”
Travis: It just kinda sounds like a practiced response to somebody asking you about it—
Griffin: Well, I’ve had to say it a bunch of times! And I blast him full force with the h-- with the Splash Pack. Double barrel.
Travis: Gimme 3d8.
Griffin: 5, 7, 4. Two successes.
Travis: Yep, yep yep yep. He goes flying backwards, bonks against the back of the truck. You hear a—you know, a “bonk,” uh, and he is knocked unconscious. Flopsy is gonna take a… big old kick swing at you there, Mac, Roger—
Griffin: Oh geez.
Travis: Oh boy. That’s three successes, a 5, a 7, and an 8. That’s three points of damage on old Roger there. And then Mopsy is also gonna take a swing at you… and that’s only one point of damage, an 8. So that’s four points of damage on Roger, there. Um… and… and then… Cottontail’s gonna try to wake up… ahh, but not good enough. Doesn’t wake up, they’re still knocked unconscious, I’m gonna say they remain so. Lyle, you have one henchman on you, you’re not looking great… Roger, it’s your turn.
Clint: I’m going to, uh, use my, uh, fighting skill, Moo Thai…
Travis: Okay. Uh-huh.
Clint: And I’m going to… kick. Cottontail.
Travis: No, Cottontail’s unconscious…
Griffin: That’s brutal, dude.
Travis: Mopsy is weakened, Flopsy is full.
Griffin: Oh.
Clint: Mopsy. I’m going to hit Mopsy.
Griffin: He could make Cottontail more unconscious.
Travis: That’s not… a mechanic…
Clint: Ahh, let’s just try to make Mopsy unconscious.
Travis: Yeah, there we go. Gimme that 3d8 roll.
Clint: Sweet 3d8. 4, 1, and a 7.
Travis: Yeah, on that one hit, that’s really all you needed, ‘cause she was already looking… uh, pretty… woozy. So on that hit, yeah, she’s knocked unconscious. Lyle, you are up, you’ve got the one henchman on you… we got, basically, one henchman left, two unconscious bunnies, and Flopsy is still up.
Justin: Um… I w-- [sighs] I don’t wanna try to heal again, that’s boring. I’m gonna… so wait, one of the henchmen is under the streetlight still.
Griffin: The one that is still up, I believe.
Travis: Uhh…
Justin: Yes. I’m gonna… [sputters]
Griffin: Finish the fight! Guardian.
Justin: Yes. [laughs]
Griffin: [laughs]
Justin: Shorry, darlin’, looksh like I’m back for sheckonds! And I push the… pole again. I’m gonna—I’m gonna knock that person out. I’m gonna knock that henchman out.
Travis: Okay. Gimme a… 3d8 roll. This one is a lot easier, um, because it’s already pretty loose, uh, so yeah. [pause] Yeah. All I needed, really, was one success on that one, ‘cause you’d already done it once. That’s gonna fall over, you hear a loud bonk, um, and that henchman is knocked unconscious as well. At this point, Flopsy is gonna panic, the only one left, and he kinda shakes Mopsy and Cottontail and the henchmen just awake enough for them all to go running away.
Justin: [laughs]
Griffin: Hmm.
Travis: Um, and you have, you have won this battle—
Justin: Wait a minute, no way! Absolutely not!
Griffin: Now Juice, we talked about this. The—the—the only victory condition in The Adventure Zone: Abnimals is, all the bad guys run away. Or—
Travis: They have to run away. There can’t be any permanent damage made to any of these people.
Griffin: Or they get sent to [I cannot understand what he says here. All 3 bros are interrupting each other and it sounds like one collective BLUGH]. But like, I’m not about… I’m not about that.
Justin: [whose character voice now sounds like a community theater old man character for some reason] Let me help, hold on, lemme help… I see. So, fella stuck under the post, lemme move… there ya go, fella. You can go ahead and…
Griffin: [laughs]
Travis: Thank you.
Justin: Skedaddle.
Griffin: I think all the henchmen should have to make, like, wounded baby animal noises as they scamper back off into the…
Travis: Yeah, there’s a lot of like, squee! Squee!
[Travis and Griffin make overlapping high-pitched noises]
Justin: Now, let’s see what these guys were so desperate to get their hands on.
Travis: Um, when you look in the back of the truck, you are surprised to find that someone has beaten you there. There’s a shadowy figure, you know, in—wrapped in a coat, and a hat pulled down low, who is going through the boxes.
Griffin: It’s a mummy! Look… look out, fellas.
Travis: What?
Griffin: I start charging up the Splash Pack.
Travis: [doing a vague Mutt-ish character voice] Naw, man.
Griffin: I’m not messing with no mummies today.
Travis: Naw, hey. Hey. Thanks for taking care of my light work and everything, but this is, um… this is kinda where your job here ends, so you all can… go.
Griffin: [scoffs] M—
Clint: Uh, and who might you be, my good man?
[pause]
Travis: Oh. Okay, yeah. Um… I’m the guy who just told you to leave? Um… and…
Justin: Hey listen, people tell us to leave all the time, man. You gotta be more shpecific.
Travis: Wait. You’re… wait. Hold on. You’re an axolotl, right?
Justin: I’m Axe-o-Lyle.
Travis: So that’s a yes?
Justin: W… well, I mean, I’m Axe-o-Lyle. Axolotls are a lot smaller than me, but yeah.
Travis: Okay. And a—
Justin: Yeah, I’m– [he trails off here but Travis is already talking]
Travis: And a… cow and a seal? What’s the theme you guys are going for?
Griffin: We’re still figuring that out.
Justin: I’m pushin’ for growth and connection.
Clint: Yeah. That is our motif.
Travis: The… the theme… so… while some people might have the theme of, like, all birds, right, or, like, all barnyard animals, your theme is growth and connection?
Griffin: We’re about growth and connection in an equal measure.
Justin: [laughs] I… Listen, we’re still workshopping it… we’re… weren’t necessarily, uh, gonna go—
Griffin: We’re thinking about the name “Grow Connectors.”
Clint: Ooh.
Griffin: With a side… with a side of respect.
Travis: Okay. You guys should also think about, like, getting armor and not getting hit as much, because you all look rough.
[overlapping weak protests from the other 3]
Justin: Y’know, well… you think that now, but watch this.
Griffin: [laughs]
Travis: Yeah, gimme that roll, Justin.
Clint: [laughs]
Justin: Whi—which one i—what is the roll? 3d8?
Travis: 3d8.
Clint: C’mon, baby. [pause] Yeah!
Justin: [laughing] Stop calling me baby. I got two successes. 7 and an 8.
Travis: Yeah, with the two successes, um, out of your five hit points, you recover three, um, your tail regrows… not to full, um, but is… eh… listen. You… you know that, given time, it will be back to your impressive, uh, tail once more. [pause] Okay, listen… I’m not gonna lie, man, that was… absolutely wild.
Justin: [weakly] Yeah.
Travis: You regrew your butt.
Justin: You should be inside of it.
Griffin: [laughs]
Justin: S… seein’ this… seein’ it from the inside out a… ain’t, ain’t no treat either, partner.
Clint: [laughs]
Travis: What does it--
Justin: I’m livin’ it! I’m livin’ that experience.
Travis: Okay… this whole time, um, this figure has still been looking through boxes, and you see this figure… their whole body language shifts as they reach into a box, and they pull out Carver’s signature baseball bat. And they start, like, spinning it around, um, and you know, kinda getting a feel for it…
[editor’s note: Travis drops his character voice somewhere around here]
Griffin: I shout… I shout “Hey, mummy! That belongs in a museum!”
Travis: [long pause] Well… no, actually it doesn’t, it belongs to me.
Justin: And who are you?
Travis: They turn, and they’re still shadowed, but they’re like, I… it belo—okay. It belongs to me, right, and whose—okay.
Justin: I, uh, I connect the streetlight. You said it was easy to connect, so I’m gonna go ahead and connect it, and then the light from that… to… illuminate this person.
Travis: The light flips on, and you get enough light to see the face that has been hidden in shadow underneath this hat. And it’s the face of Carver, the hotheaded loose cannon –
Griffin: OH.
Travis: …of the Greenback Guardians.
Griffin: Oh!
Justin: Wow… man…
Griffin: I…
Travis: Well…
Justin: Carver?
Travis: Okay. [muttering] Um, could I knock all three of them unconscious in such a way that they’ll forget… that they saw me.
Griffin: Oh, no need, Carver! Please! This is your bat. This is your bat. This is a… victimless crime.
Justin: He’s gonna be so embarrassed.
Griffin: And, and, and, and I… Car—
Travis: Yeah, but I really need you guys to, like, not tell people we d—like, we disappeared 20 years ago, and I really need it to stay that way.
Griffin: Oh, we can be so discreet, Carver. I pro—I’m such a huge fan, I would… I promise you, I can keep a huge secret.
Clint: Who are we talking about, even? Or… who are you talking to?
Griffin: Exactly.
Clint: I don’t see anybody [something I can’t make out].
Justin: You don’t know Carter, man? [editor’s note: not a typo]
Clint: No, no… I’m play… I’m playing along.
Justin: He’s like a huge… like, a huge deal.
Clint: I’m… I’m… I’m playing along with his…
Travis: Yeah, that’s my statue. Did you see my statue? The one that the… chewy one was kind of gnawing on? That was me.
Clint: Well… that’s…
Justin: Looks exactly like you.
Clint: That’s what I’m looking at.
[crosstalk]
Griffin: I run over, I start polishing off the chew marks. P-pl-please, sir, let me… let me take care of this for you, sir. This is… I’ll have this looking, uh, shiny and new.
Travis: Carver… comes over and… give me, all three of you, um, and if you have anything that gives benefits to this, like… you’re trying to, like, check his body language, see what you can tell from… from this look, this… that… that he’s giving the statue.
Griffin: Uh, I got double successes. A 6, 6. A ‘Bunga.
Travis: Yeah. With that double success, um, you can see, like, the look, uh, that crosses through his eyes, the body language… he’s staring up this statue of himself that is… him, but at least 20 years younger. Um, the… the Greenback Guardians haven’t been seen, but this was probably modeled after, like, you know, 25 years younger, and here stands before you a hero in their, at least, late-mid-50s? And there is… nostalgia mixed with, kind of, sorrow, mixed with, like, a certain amount of loss, that you can see in his look.
Griffin: Oh, I… that is completely lost on me. So in… tell me real quick. In “Greenback Guardians Surf the Moon,” um…
Justin: [starts cackling in the background]
Travis: Yeah…
Griffin: It seems like there was a little bit of tension happening between you and Lamarr, and a lot of people were saying, like, maybe it was happening off-camera, too, and that you guys were sort of building off of that. Uh, and I’m like, no way, these are friends—best friends for life, that is just how good of actors they are. Uh, do you have… do you have anything that I can take back… to the fan page.
Travis: [long pause] Well, not… okay, once again—
Griffin: Oh, no, no, but it’s quiet--
Travis: …not to the fan page.
Griffin: Like, secret quiet. Secret quiet.
Travis: Okay. Um, let’s see, which one was that, “Surf the Moon,” you said?
Griffin: Yeah, “Greenback Guardians Surf the Moon.”
Travis: Oh, yeah. Lamarr was being a jerk about, like, it was a craft service thing… where he was like “you ate all the Twizzlers” and I was like, “I don’t even like Twizzlers,” and… yeah. That was… that went on for, like, six weeks.
Griffin: [chuckles fondly] God, you’re amazing.
Clint: Uh, m… Mister Carter… [ed: not a typo here either]
Justin: So where are the--
Clint: Yes. Lyle had a question.
Justin: Oh, go ahead.
Travis: Carver. Carver?
Clint: Lyle had a question.
Justin: I… where are the other guys? Are they running around, too, or…?
Travis: I mean, I’m sure they’re somewhere. I haven’t talked to those dudes in, uh, lemme check… yeah, 20 years.
[pause]
Justin: Oh. Well… why did you pop up here now? Just to get your bat?
Travis: To get Slugger? Yeah, man. He’s been bouncing around in, like, private collections, and all this stuff. I had no idea where he was. And then I saw the news report and they said that our signature items were gonna be here, so like, I was like, aw, I better go get Slugger, I bet he misses me… um, I missed him…
Justin: Well… can we have the other ones, or…?
Travis: No, man!
Griffin: They belong in a museum.
Clint: Well, technically—
Travis: They belong—
Justin: But that… shouldn’t that [something I can’t make out]
Griffin: Yeah, but he’s here, and he’s… can do anything he wants. He’s…
Clint: Uhh, still, though…
Travis: Okay.
Griffin: …above the law.
Travis: You guys—
Justin: Yeah, you know what, I don’t think it’s right. I, I think, I think you should put it back… man.
Clint: Mmm.
Travis: Okay. Do you?
Justin: Yeah.
Clint: I… I might agree with Lyle… I think that, you know, it’s…
Justin: You know, you guys have been… you’ve put in a lot of work, and we’re all really grateful, but we’ve been the ones cleaning things up around here lately, and I, I don’t see why you just waltz in here, let us do all the hard work, and then you take the bat.
Travis: [suddenly doing a gravelly Batman voice for unclear reasons] Okay, so just to be clear, right? Um, I’m looking at you saying you’ve been cleaning up the streets and everything. So… are you guys AmphibiForce, or Code Name: Bird, or The Royal Seals…
Justin: I’m former… I’m former Force. Uh, we… we had… some differences, uh, uh, but, you know, I’m, I’m, I’m, I’m figuring things out. I’ve, uh, I’ve heard from them, uh, a few times… it’s been a little bit, but you know, so kind of off and on, I guess. Off and on. That’s what I… yeah, man. Off and on.
Clint: And I’m still in my 90-day probationary period with the organization, so I… I’ve been operating as kind of a lone cow, on my own. Uh, just recently joined these two.
Griffin: I was a Royal Seal before I was dishonorably discharged. From The Royal Seals, not the actual military. Of which I have never been…
Travis: Got it.
Justin: I don’t know why they gotta say “discharge.”
[long pause]
Travis: So you guys aren’t even, like, a real… team. Okay, got it. Yeah.
Griffin: Now hold on.
Travis: I’m gonna go.
Griffin: Wait. Wait. Wait! Wait. Wait. In… um, in “Greenback Guardians: Pepperoni Slumber Party”…
Travis: Yeah.
Griffin: It seemed like the romance arc that was happening between you and Kylie Minogue’s character?
Travis: Yeah.
Griffin: It felt like that also was real behind camera. And I was also just wondering if you could spill the T on if you had an off-offscreen romance with Kylie Minogue during the making of that motion picture?
Travis: Not during the making of it, no.
Justin: What are the other signature items that are here?
Travis: Uh, we have Carver’s bat. We’ve got… Lamarr has a spiked shield, Lovelace is hook and chain…
Griffin: Just a normal gun. [that’s what it sounded like but I’m not positive that’s correct]
Travis: And Newton’s…
Justin: An envelope of poison.
Clint: [laughs]
Travis: And Newton’s was a boomerang.
Justin: [snort laughs] Okay.
Travis: So a boomerang, a spiked shield, and a hook and chain.
Justin: Okay. I’m gonna, uh, uh, pick over and… walk over and pick up the hook and chain.
Travis: But… hey… what are… no. No. That’s Lovelace’s.
Justin: But I thought we were… we’re all having some fun here, right?
Travis: All right. You know what? You know what? I’ll make you guys a deal. You…
Justin: Let’s put our stuff down first, though, right?
Travis: Mmm. You put your stuff down.
Justin: I’m… I start swinging the hook. Now, you don’t know me… my name’s Axe-o-Lyle. I’m an extreme firefighter. And if you’re wondering if I’m gonna be able to hit this shot with this hook, and this rope, I’ve hit way longer on way smaller toeholds, partner.
Travis: Okay. All right.
Justin: And I… I toss the hook at the bat.
Griffin: Whoa.
Travis: Okay. Let’s do this.
Clint: [laughs]
Travis: And he throws off his coat, and you can just see, though he is in his 50s, still quite in shape.
Clint: Darn it!
Travis: Scars across his body, armored underneath his coat, and he squares off for a fight.
Griffin: It’s not fair that you didn’t take that off before we fought.
Fin
—------------------------
Secret Bonus Content: Hey kids, Sgt. Salamander here with another amphibifact from the AmphibiForce. Ever jumped off the last step on your way to get to school? Well, over 90% of stair-related injuries occur on the last step of the staircase. Why put your foot in your mouth when you could stay on your toes? Let’s hang ten on that last step every time, and your heel turn will stay flat-footed. ANKLES!
Next: Ebpisode 2