While We Still Can

        “What…?” Quinn stared at Ryuki with wide eyes in complete disbelief. Complete silence fell over the room. There wasn’t even a retort from Tama or Corin. They both knew better than to interrupt, no matter how shocking Ryuki’s words were.

        Ryuki gazed down at the floor, refusing to look at Quinn. This was already hard enough as it was, seeing their expression would just make it worse. “I…” He clenched his fists at his sides. “I said that… I think we should break up.” His throat felt dry as he said the words for the second time.

        Tears immediately began to well up in Quinn’s eyes. There was no use fighting them. They were heartbroken hearing those words, of course, but beyond that they were confused. Where did this come from all of a sudden? “Why…?” Their voice cracked a little as they choked out the word.

        “I’m sorry… Quinn, I’m so sorry.” Ryuki didn’t say anything beyond that. He still refused to look at Quinn, choosing instead to awkwardly shift his weight as they sat on the sofa. His expression was clearly pained. This was obviously extremely difficult for Ryuki to do, which just furthered Quinn’s confusion.

        “Why?” The word was more clear when Quinn repeated themself. The tears continued to fall down their cheeks, showing no sign of stopping anytime soon. Ryuki still didn’t utter a word, but Quinn refused to take his silence as an answer. “I… I need to know why.” The past couple months were some of the best in their life, and they thought that Ryuki felt the same way. “Do you not like me anymore?”

        “No!” Ryuki instinctively looked up at that. Big mistake. Seeing Quinn’s bewildered and heartbroken expression made his stomach drop. He wanted nothing more than to take it all back, to wrap his arms around Quinn and tell them it was all a mistake. He immediately glanced away, trying to forget that expression. “That’s not it at all…”

        “Then what is it?” Quinn wasn’t going to give up until they got an answer. They had to understand Ryuki’s reasoning. “If you still like me, then why do you want to leave me?”

        Ryuki’s chest tightened at Quinn’s words. He doesn’t want to leave them at all. “It’s because…” Ryuki scratched his head as he answered. “You deserve somebody better than me. I’m just holding you back. You deserve someone that can make you happy.”

        “You make me happy.” Quinn reached out to touch Ryuki’s shoulder, but he flinched away the moment he felt their fingertips brush against him. “I don’t want somebody that you consider ‘better’. I want you.” Quinn’s tears still refused to stop, and they were sniffling whenever there was a pause in the conversation. Dammit, they really wish they had a tissue right now. “I’ve always wanted you. I thought you knew that…”

        Ryuki continued to avoid looking at Quinn. “It’s better this way.” He didn’t even believe his own words. “You’re better off without me.” He really did think that he’s not good enough for Quinn, that they deserve somebody better. Then why did it feel like he was lying when he said that it’s better this way?

        Quinn shook their head at Ryuki’s answer. “That’s not true! I… my life’s gotten so much better since I met you.” They've probably told that to Ryuki a hundred times by now. Did he really not believe them?

        Yeah… Mine too. Ryuki thought to himself, not daring to say the words out loud. He had to follow through with this. He didn’t deserve someone like Quinn. He remained silent, unsure of how to respond to Quinn’s words.

        “Ryuki…” Quinn took a deep breath before continuing. “Do you really want this?”

        Ryuki hesitated a moment, but he still answered. “Yeah… As I said, it’s better this way.”

        Quinn let out an irritated huff at his response. “No, look at me!” They placed their hands on Ryuki’s cheeks, turning his head so that he was facing them. “Do you really want this?”

        Ryuki felt a lump in his throat as he looked at Quinn’s tear-stained face. He couldn’t lie to them while making eye contact like this. “I…” He felt tears begin to well up in his eyes as well, but he tried his hardest to hold them back. The words were completely caught in his throat.

        An exasperated sigh escaped from Quinn as they let go of Ryuki’s face. “I knew it.” Alongside their sadness and confusion, they began to feel anger as well. “You’re full of bullshit!” Ryuki didn’t deny it at all, once again choosing to remain silent. “What’s the real reason then? Don’t lie to me!”

        “That’s…” Ryuki hesitated for a moment. He thought it was because he wasn’t good enough for Quinn. He thought that he’d break up with them so that they can find someone better. That’s what he’s been telling himself, anyway. But while looking at Quinn and listening to their words, he could finally admit to what he was denying to himself. “It’s because I like you so much. Quinn… I like you so much that I don’t know what to do with myself!” He couldn’t hold back the tears anymore and they finally began to spill over.

        There was confusion in Quinn’s eyes. “Then why-”

        “Because it’s terrifying!” Ryuki couldn’t hold back his real feelings anymore. He tried to bury them deep inside, but he couldn’t hide them any longer. He wasn’t going to look away from Quinn again, he wasn’t going to run away anymore. “Every moment I spend with you, I like you more and more. I… I’m falling for you, Quinn. And it’s terrifying. I’m… afraid.”

        Finally Quinn could believe his words. They knew that he was telling the truth this time, even if they still didn’t fully understand it. They gently took Ryuki’s hands in theirs, and this time Ryuki didn’t move away, allowing himself to touch Quinn. “What are you afraid of?” They asked him in a gentle but determined voice. They genuinely wanted to understand where this was coming from, they wanted to understand him.

        Ryuki closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath before answering. “I’m afraid of losing you.” He gave Quinn’s hands a gentle squeeze. “I thought that… if we broke up now then it wouldn’t hurt as much as losing you later.” His voice began to crack a little bit. “It wouldn’t hurt as much as… if you died later.”

        Everything began to fall into place. Quinn finally understood. With all of Ryuki’s trauma, it made sense why he’d feel that way. He lost his parents when he was a child, he lost his brother that meant everything to him, he nearly lost Tama to Tearer, and he thought for six years that he lost Date. Pushing away Quinn now was his defense mechanism. If he distanced himself from Quinn, then he wouldn’t have to experience the pain of someone close to him dying again. Quinn gently stoked the back of his hand with their thumb in an attempt to comfort him. “It’s okay, I’m not gonna die any time soon, alright?” Their voice was soft, even though they were still crying.

        Ryuki shook his head at Quinn’s words. “You don’t know that!” He squeezed their hands tightly. “Things happen. Accidents, sickness… not to mention how dangerous our job is.” Ryuki himself has almost died on the job before, and he has the scar on his stomach to prove it. “Most people don’t plan on dying.”

        “I guess that’s true…” Quinn couldn’t promise their own safety, no matter how badly they wanted to. “But… are you really ok with just giving up like that?”

        “Huh?” Ryuki looked a bit surprised at Quinn’s words.

        Quinn paused for a moment to gather their thoughts before continuing on. “Yeah, I will die one day, and you will too. We have no idea when it’ll happen… but isn’t that more of a reason to enjoy life while we can?” Their tears had finally dried up, and there was a determined expression on their face. “We only have so long to live, so we should make the most of what time we have, right? We should spend our lives doing the things we enjoy, and…” they scooted a bit closer to Ryuki before giving his hands a gentle squeeze “...spending time with the people we care about. So… you can either run away because you’re afraid of getting hurt, or you can take the risk and make both of our lives filled with happiness while you can.”

        Their words got through to Ryuki because of how sincere they were. Maybe it was a bit cliche, but you really do only live once. “You’re right.” His expression turned into one of resolve. “I don’t want to give up. I won’t run away. I want to be with you, Quinn.”

        “And I want to be with you too.” The couple squeezed each other’s hands, as if making a promise to each other to enjoy their time together, no matter how long or short it may be.They were going to make the most of this relationship.

        After a few moments it dawned on Ryuki how much of a mistake he made, how much he upset Quinn. “God, I’m such an idiot.” He wrapped his arms around Quinn and pulled them in tight, as if he never wanted to let go of them again. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry Quinn. I don’t ever want to hurt you like that ever again.”

        Quinn reciprocated the hug, enjoying the warmth of holding Ryuki close like this. “Yeah, you are a little bit of an idiot.” They pulled away from the hug to gently kiss Ryuki’s cheek. “But we’re all idiots sometimes.” They smiled at him softly for a moment before their expression turned into an exaggerated pout and they crossed their arms. “I don’t forgive you yet, though! If you want to make it up to me, take me out for ice cream!”

        Ryuki scratched his head out of habit. “Really? Ice cream? Isn’t that a little childish?” Despite his words, he couldn’t stop himself from smiling fondly at Quinn.

        “‘Childish’ says Mr. Half-Might.” They both chuckled a little before leaning in and sharing a gentle kiss that was full of their feelings for each other. As they pulled away they both had small smiles on their faces.

        So, that whole thing’s over now? Corin finally spoke up from Quinn’s eyesocket. I wasn’t going to interrupt, but god there were moments I really wanted to.

        Yeah, no kidding. Tama chimed in. ‘Kind of an idiot’ doesn’t even begin to describe it. Ryuki, you’re a fucking dumbass!

        Ryuki let out a sigh. “Yeah… I know.”

        You didn’t even bring this up to me beforehand! Tama huffed angrily. Why didn’t you tell me you were gonna try to break up with Quinn!?

        “Because you would’ve talked me out of it!”

        And now…?

        “...And now I wish you talked me out of it.” Ryuki sighed again. Quinn couldn’t help but smile a bit at their usual banter. It was comforting.

        Corin spoke again. Yeah, I wish I were bigger so I could’ve smacked some sense into you!

        Quinn laughed a bit at Corin’s threat to Ryuki. “We all know you wouldn’t have done that.”

        N-no! I totally would have! Corin said in a tone that confirmed that they, in fact, would not have smacked Ryuki. Corin likes to pretend to act tough sometimes, but really they’re a huge softie.

        Quinn was smiling at the banter, but Ryuki could still see in their expression that they were still a bit hurt. Of course they still hurt. An attempted breakup isn’t exactly something that someone can get over that quickly. Ryuki brought a hand up to gently stroke their cheek before planting a soft kiss on their forehead. “I really am sorry, Quinn.”

        “I know, and I forgive you.” Quinn slowly ran their fingers through Ryuki’s hair. “I can’t lie, it does still hurt a bit, but that’s because it just happened. I understand now why you tried to do that. I’m just glad I could talk you out of it.”

        “Yeah, me too.” Ryuki closed his eyes for a moment, enjoying the feeling of Quinn playing with his hair. When he opened his eyes, he looked at Quinn with a sincere expression. “And… thank you. For not giving up on me.” If it weren’t for Quinn’s determination, Ryuki definitely would’ve continued to bury his real feelings and run away from getting attached to others.

        “Of course. I’ll never give up on you. You’re too important to me.” Quinn stopped stroking Ryuki’s hair and held his hand instead. “I wasn’t kidding about the ice cream by the way, it always helps heal emotional pain.”

        “I guess that’s true.” Ryuki smiled fondly at Quinn and gave their hand a gentle squeeze. “Alright, lead the way.”