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Girl, I Guess:

A Progressive Voter Guide to the 2022 General Election in Cook County and Beyond

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Table of Contents/TL;DR

  • All Judicial Retention Races, No Commentary Because There are 61 Goddamn Judges

Theis — YES

Smith — YES

Lavin — YES

Connors — YES

Delort — YES

Howse, Jr. –- YES

Reyes — YES

Hall — YES

Evans — NO

Burns — SUPER NO

Kirby — YES

Martin, Jr. — NO

Balanoff — YES

Burke — YES

Kelley — NO

McWilliams — YES

Mikva — YES

Murphy — NO

Ryan — SUPER NO

Wilson — NO

Pierce — NO

Hooks — YES

Lyons — YES

Malone — YES

Kull — NO

Bernstein — NO

Coleman — NO

Collins — YES

D. Gallagher — NO

Jones — YES

S. Sullivan — YES

MacCarthy — YES

Ramos — NO

Duffy — SUPER NO

Loftus — NO

Gillespie — NO

Reilly — YES

Lyle — YES

Esrig — YES

Conlon — NO

Fernandez — NO

W. Sullivan — YES

Lyke, Jr. — YES

Hamilton — NO

Spratt — NO

Allegretti — SUPER NO

De La Rosa — YES

C. Gallagher — YES

Hannon — NO

Jackson — YES

Jones — YES

Kozicki — NO

Link — SUSPICIOUS NO

McHugh — YES

Murray — NO

O'Brien — NO

O'Donnell — YES

Ortiz — NO

Outlaw — YES

Powers — YES

Quinn — YES

Schneider — YES

Who Is Girl, I Guess?

Like a Jewish woman who’s the subject of a conspiracy theory saying that she’s in cahoots with a cabal of Socialist Aldermen and it’s making her Ancestral Pogrom Hackles raise… Girl, I Guess is BACK!! We’re in the middle of a slapdash Election-A-Thon with four different elections in Chicago in a ten-month period soooo… on to number two! Basic human rights are on the ballot! Our Governor might be running for President and is a massive internet meme!! We’re flipping the suburbs Blue, y’all!! Girl, I Guess may have been initially written in Edgewater coffeeshops, but civic engagement and the Ambient Homosexuality of Rogers Park are all the caffeine I need this time around. Written once again during the Jewish New Year, the ninth distinct edition of Girl, I Guess is as semitic, sassy, and methodologically sound as ever, although I’m not loving the global political parallels between 5783 and 1983. Less of that, please. Dear readers, nearly four years ago, y’all helped elect some of Chicago’s favorite Alderpeople. Just months ago, we got progressive candidates across the County over the finish line, including a Golden Shrug win that was hailed as a huge upset. We are a force in Cook County politics, and we should all be proud of ourselves as we go for Round Nine!

Stephanie Skora is a grouchy Jewish trans dyke, and an anarchist with a political science degree. She is one half of the podcast TacoBagel, the COO at Brave Space Alliance, President of the Board of the Midwest Institute for Sexuality and Gender Diversity, and a founding organizer of the Trans Liberation Collective.

Girl, I Guess is Jewish, queer, trans, nerdy and dedicated to helping members of our community navigate a confusing ballot and identify the most progressive candidates. I also recommend you consult with progressive / radical organizers in your community, especially queer, trans, Black, and Brown folks because this guide is currently an individual effort, and I might be a Virgo smartypants know-it-all with a lot of opinions, but I’m far from infallible!

                                 

Putting together this voter guide is an act of love, but it is a lot of work! If you’d like to support Girl, I Guess, my PayPal link can be found here! If you don’t have PayPal, but still want to donate, you can support by donating through my Venmo account, @StephanieSkora, or my CashApp, $StephanieSkora.

This election, trans lives, dignity, and our ability to access basic healthcare are on the ballot. Marginalized people all over the country are under brutal attack by fascists, but few more so than trans young people. I happen to sit on the Board of the Midwest Institute for Sexuality and Gender Diversity, an organization that, among other things, puts on the Midwest Bisexual Lesbian Gay Transgender and Asexual College Conference, which represents the nation’s largest annual gathering of trans youth. This is the conference’s 30th year, and the Institute urgently needs funds to make sure the attendees will be safe onsite in Columbus, Ohio. I’ll be donating 33% of the proceeds of this Guide to the SGD Institute to help make that happen!

*This guide does not represent the political views of my organizations or employer!! Brave Space Alliance and The Midwest Institute for Sexuality and Gender Diversity are both 501c3 organizations, and do not contribute to, or have anything to do with, the writing of this document, or any endorsements, opinions, or content herein!

Why Bother?

Dear reader, when I said in the last General Election Guide in 2020 that whoever is re-writing “We Didn’t Start the Fire” could stop after RBG died… I really meant it. England’s got a new King, COVID is still here, Gorbachev kicked the bucket, socialism is ascendant in Chicago,”Watergate” is now a low-water mark for political scandal, and Henry Kissinger still isn’t dead. But alas, the fated writer of our new song seems to have not listened, and now here we are, back again to do our annual Hebraic duty of performing electoral tashlikh and toss even more Democrats into the flowing waters of Illinois state politics. However, unlike last cycle, when we were rewarded in the Jewish New Year with the apples and honey of a year off of politics… now we have the Chicago Municipal Election barreling down on us all. 40 years in the desert indeed. But I digress.

Once again, I’ve returned as your friendly neighborhood semitic muckraker to convince you to do your civic duty and wait in line (or, if you’re smart and read the end of this section properly, fill out a piece of paper on your couch and stuff it into an envelope) to vote. At the end of the day, this election just like all others, there are myriad reasons why you absolutely must vote in the November election. The sexiest, perhaps, is the Guide’s old favorite: Judicial Retention. Horrible judges run amok in our carceral society, and here in Illinois, we have the opportunity to give the boot to judges who use their positions to be bad actors, and this year we have the opportunity to weigh in on the Chief Justice of the Cook County Circuit Court! Judicial stuff your speed, but not a fan of retention? Well, dear reader, if you live in the Collar Counties, you’ll have an opportunity to vote in a partisan election for a member of the Illinois Supreme Court, and this year, the partisan balance of the Court, and therefore the very fate of basic human rights in Illinois, hangs in the balance. In local politics, we have the chance to triple the number of LGBTQ people on the Cook County Board, flip some General Assembly seats in the suburbs, and weigh in on providing vital mental health services across Chicago.

Y’all, I know. Trust me, I know. The world is on fire, everything sucks, fascism is knocking on our door, drag queens and children’s hospitals alike are being attacked simply for providing affirming spaces and care to LGBTQ children, and nothing seems to be getting any better. Local politics impacts every single facet of our everyday lives, and in Illinois, our ability to live in, and keep improving, the regional safe haven that we’ve got rests on our ability to keep shrugging our shoulders, hitting the polls, and keeping our progressive electeds in office. And you know what? We get shit done. As we saw in June, we have the opportunity to elect bonafide progressives, and kick out shitty incumbents who care more about lining their pocketbooks than they do about taking care of people. We’re sending some amazing people to the Loop, to Springfield, and we’re sending Delia Ramirez to Washington to help set the table for even more progressive wins in 2024. Still not convinced? Well… this last bit will convince you. Workers’ rights, the right to unionize and collectively bargain, and the amazing energy of the powerful unionization campaigns we’ve seen across the country, and across Illinois over the past two years is literally on the ballot. The top item on the ticket is a Constitutional Amendment which would write the right to unionize and collectively bargain into the Illinois State Constitution!!! We already enjoy these rights in Illinois, but it means that we wouldn’t have to be afraid of a future where Illinois becomes a Right To Work state, or a place that forsakes its own history. The birthplace of the modern labor movement happened in Chicago, and this Amendment means that we have the chance to legislatively honor that history, and enshrine it in the definitional document of this State. So come on y’all… show up with me again this time.

And listen up, IT IS NOT TOO LATE TO REGISTER TO VOTE. You can register when you show up to vote on election day! Or at any of the early voting places! Just bring two pieces of ID one of which provides proof of address (e.g., pay stub, utility bill). You don’t need to have an Illinois ID! It’s easy, I promise! If you’re not sure what kinds of ID to bring, check out the Chicago Board of Elections site. You can also register online to request a mail-in ballot at the same website, and in Chicago, you can request to be put on a list to be PERMANENTLY registered to vote by mail!!

If you're planning on voting, MAKE A PLAN TO VOTE! For those of y'all who want to vote early, check here for early voting locations. If you want to vote on the day of the election, check here to look up your polling place. In Chicago, early voting starts on October 7th at the Board of Elections supersite in the Loop, and in all 50 Wards on October 24th.

Most importantly, remember that, if you’re privileged with access, VOTING IS YOUR RIGHT! Sometimes, nefarious foolery on the part of some campaigns, or political parties, interfere with that right. If that happens, call Election Protection at 866-OUR-VOTE! This wonderful service contacted me, and asked to be put in the Guide as a resource, so here they are! They’re a toll-free hotline staffed by nonpartisan legal volunteers who can help you on the spot.  Election Protection is the nation’s largest nonpartisan voter protection coalition whose local efforts are led by Chicago Lawyers’ Committee for Civil Rights.

Methodology:

As usual, the methodology shifts a bit in the General Election. Instead of covering every contested race up and down the ballot, I’ll be focusing on truly competitive races, races that I find interesting, or races where there’s a third-party candidate who’s worth a good giggle. Not every candidate that I endorse in the General Election is the most progressive person in the world, and sometimes they’re even folks that I endorsed against in the Primary for being too moderate. But if I’m giving them the shrug now, that means that they’re the best option on the ballot. If there’s a moderate who you find particularly unctuous and don’t feel like holding your nose and filling in their bubble, that’s also fine! I always make it clear when a moderate is being endorsed because the Republican has a real chance of beating them, versus situations where I’m endorsing a moderate so that the Libertarian Party’s Silly Name Caucus can have a new inductee this year.

This guide is written by using publicly available information from the candidates’ websites and in media outlets, as well as the candidates’ publicly available funding disclosures. I also consult with radical organizers that I trust. Candidates are judged based on the overall progressive nature of their platform, which varies for Federal and State races. Metrics that all non-Judicial candidates are being judged upon include:

  • Support for a free Palestine and BDS
  • Support for Medicare for All/Single Payer for Illinois
  • Stance on workers’ rights and unions
  • Support for canceling Student Loan Debt
  • Progressive policies on Housing Justice, especially Just Cause for Eviction
  • Support for a Universal Basic Income, and/or a higher national minimum wage
  • Endorsements from meaningful progressives, and (some) past Girl, I Guess endorsees
  • Progressive positions on climate change
  • Progressives positions on racial justice and defunding/abolishing police and prisons
  • Support for decriminalizing sex work
  • Support for trans people, intersex people, and the broader LGBTQ community
  • Support for addressing gerrymandering, and voter suppression
  • Stance on term limits
  • Being pro-choice (AKA The Lipinski Rule)
  • And more, depending on the individual races!

Judicial Candidates are evaluated on the following criteria, with help from the excellent coverage provided by the folks at Injustice Watch:

  1. Is this judge a cop?
  2. Is this judge sketchy, suspicious, or have they done bad/controversial things in the past?
  3. Is this judge a dumbass?
  4. Do Bar Associations think that this judge is qualified?

As always, candidates in bold are the ones that receive the disgruntled shrug of a Girl, I Guess endorsement.

THE GOLDEN SHRUG

In the 2020 General Election, I introduced a new level of endorsement to Girl, I Guess, meant to aid folks who only read the TL;DR section of the Guide, and distinguish endorsees who are truly worthy of recognition from those who are just… also running for office and managed to be less atrocious than their co-fuckers who inhabit the neighboring lines of the ballot. That new wrinkle is the Golden Shrug Endorsement.  A small number of candidates will appear with a ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ next to their name in the TL;DR section, and the text GOLDEN SHRUG next to their candidate listing in the coverage of their race, and will also be sent a Lo-Fi, On-Brand, Girl, I Guess endorsement graphic for their campaign social media and website. A Golden Shrug denotes a candidate that I am/would be personally proud to vote for, or whose election I think is especially important. Also, if you are a cishet white guy, you’re not getting a Golden Shrug, no matter how much I like you. I’m a dyke, so them’s the rules. Sorry Will Guzzardi.

In the June Primary, I handed out a slate of 10 Golden Shrug endorsements to candidates up and down the ballot, four of whom were successful in their Primary bids! Delia Ramirez, Lilian Jimenez, and Hoan Huynh all have opponents in the General, but Anthony Joel Quezada was able to emerge from the ballot petition scrum unopposed, and is guaranteed a seat on the Cook County Board in the new term, where he’ll become the first openly gay Latino on the County Board, and just the second openly-gay County Commissioner. For this Guide, the Golden Shrugs are heading back to their previous format, with 5 recipients this time around, including an unopposed appointee who’s earned the accolades, a progressive representing a swing District in the West suburbs, and a slew of potential firsts, including the first Palestinian in the General Assembly, re-electing the first openly gay person on the County Board, and giving him more company with the first Lesbian on the County Board.

The Girl, I Guess 2022 General Election Golden Shrug Recipients are:

Mike Simmons, 7th District State Senator

Karina Villa, 25th District State Senator

Abdelnasser Rashid, Democratic Candidate for 21st District State Representative

Maggie Trevor, Democratic Candidate for 9th District Cook County Commissioner

Kevin Morrison, 15th District Cook County Commissioner

How to Use This Guide:

I recommend that you use this guide as a companion to BallotReady. If you don’t know, BallotReady is a website that will help you fill in your full ballot. Based on your address, they’ll provide you with a tailored ballot with all your unique districts. They’ll allow you to “add” your preferred candidates to your ballot, which you can then print out to take into the voting booth.

The table of contents above will help you navigate this guide and find the info you need. It also has the TL;DR on candidates Girl, I Guess recommends. But I do recommend reading the why behind those candidates if you have the time.

If you think I’ve gotten any non-Golden Shrug endorsements wrong, please let me know on Facebook, Instagram, or via email and tell me why you think voting for another candidate is a stronger progressive strategy. Girl, I Guess is a living doc and you may notice changes being made from time to time!

Our Towns are Union Towns! Illinois Constitutional Amendment

Explanation of Amendment:

The proposed amendment would add a new section to the Bill of Rights Article of the Illinois Constitution that would guarantee workers the fundamental right to organize and to bargain collectively and to negotiate wages, hours, and working conditions, and to promote their economic welfare and safety at work. The new amendment would also prohibit from being passed any new law that interferes with, negates, or diminishes the right of employees to organize and bargain collectively over their wages, hours, and other terms and conditions of employment and workplace safety. At the general election to be held on November 8, 2022, you will be called upon to decide whether the proposed amendment should become part of the Illinois Constitution.

The Dish:

As I said back in 2020, holy shit, y’all!! This is the second General Election in a row where we’ve had an opportunity to amend the State Constitution to add something really, really amazing. Unfortunately, in 2020, the Fair Tax fell short of the required votes after a massive, $54 million disinformation campaign by Billionaire Mega-Choad and Now-Floridian Ken Griffin. Kenny Boy bamboozled Illinois voters by playing up folks’ distrust of government, and research by ProPublica (linked above) shows that it paid off, because Griffin spent only a little more than he would have had to pay in additional taxes every year to beat back the Fair Tax. But we’ve learned from the mistakes of the Fair Tax campaign, and the Workers’ Rights Amendment seems headed for a better fate. I shouldn’t have to explain how important this Amendment is, or why we need to vote YES. Unions are almost always good (even if the leadership of some big unions is a bit feckless… and of course police unions don’t count as real unions), the right to collective bargaining is extremely important, and Illinois has been the home of so much of Labor and Union history, that it would be extremely embarrassing if we didn’t get this done. Much of my early community organizing was with unions that represented maintenance workers, librarians, graduate students, and non-tenure faculty when I lived in Champaign-Urbana, so this one is personal for me.

Now of course, since we’re being asked to approve an amendment to the Illinois State Constitution, there are some election logistics in play.

State Constitutional Amendments have weird rules, and there are actually two ways to pass them in Illinois. The Amendment needs either a 3/5 approval rate to pass, of the voters casting a vote on the question, or a majority of voters casting a ballot in the election overall. This means that it needs 60% of the vote, or a 50% +1 margin of all people voting in the State regardless of whether or not they vote on the Amendment at all. 

Yes, you read that correctly. If someone casts a ballot in the election, even if they voted on every single other race, but didn’t vote on the Workers’ Rights Amendment, that could effectively count as a “No” vote on the Amendment. You really really really need to vote on this question, even if it’s the only thing you vote for. Even if you hate voting, and are diametrically opposed to participating in the electoral process (in which case, thanks for enjoying the Guide enough to make it this far), you should cast a ballot just to give workers the right to organize their workplaces, and collectively bargain without hindrance. Illinois is a Union State. Chicago is a Union Town. We have a chance to make real, near-permanent positive change here, and eliminate the possibility of Illinois becoming the kind of Anti-Union, Right to Work anarcho-capitalist hellhole that would make former Wisconsin Governor and noted Teacher-Hater Scott Walker cream his Republican jeans. At the end of the day, take it from the most radical Ferengi of them all:

Vote YES on the Workers’ Rights Amendment.

It’s All About the Memes: Governor and Lt. Governor

Job Description:

The executive branch of the State government. The governor’s job is to present a balanced budget to the legislature each year, sign bills into law (or not), and to oversee the operation of state services (e.g., universities, parks, highways, etc).

The Candidates:

JB Pritzker & Juliana Stratton (D) incumbent

Darren Bailey & Stephanie Trussel (R)

Scott Schluter & John Phillips (L)

The Dish:

Honestly, I didn’t think we’d be here four years ago. Dear reader, when JB Pritzker ran for Governor in 2018 and Steph and El’s Progressive Voter Guide (before we were even called Girl, I Guess!) endorsed then-State Senator Dan Biss, pretty much everyone was convinced that a portly Jewish billionaire who was basically buying the Democratic nomination for Governor represented more of the same Very Bad Democratic Politics. And then… well, JB got elected, and he got to work. Looking in the rearview mirror, JB and Juliana have been the dynamite team our State desperately needed, and are by far the best Illinois State Executives of my lifetime. Since taking office in 2019, and with the help of a dynamite coalition in the General Assembly, JB has raised the minimum wage, expanded protections for Abortion and expanded trans healthcare, ended cash bail, protected the environment, brought an elected School Board to Chicago, legalized cannabis, and knocked off Bottom-Of-The-Wish-List items for LGBTQ people. That’s pretty fuckin good for a first term. Oh, and he took a huge swing at passing one of his big campaign promises, the Fair Tax, only to be thwarted by a richer billionaire dropping $54 million to fight against having to pay more in taxes. For my “but the economy!” readers, JB has also taken Illinois from the precipice of financial ruin, and put the state on the path to fiscal stability, with over $1 billion in the State’s Rainy Day Fund for the first time. Pritzker also was a fantastic Midwestern foil to Orange Man Bad during COVID, managing to sneak a stockpile of masks into Illinois from China and hiding them from Trump so he couldn’t seize them for the Federal Stockpile. His progressive accomplishments have made JB a meme ahead of his anticipated Presidential run, with Twitter accounts anointing him The Midwest’s Biggest Boy, a socialist hero, and the future Khagan of America.

Now none of this is to say that Pritkzer has been above criticism; his handling of COVID was far from perfect, and he completely failed to listen to the Stop Ameren Shutoffs campaign. The man is still a Democrat, after all. But as far as Democratic billionaires go… well, let’s just say that when the revolution comes, we’ll eat JB towards the end of the Feast Upon Rich Flesh.

Not to be ignored, Juliana Stratton has been one of the nation’s most badass Lt. Governors, with a heavy focus on social justice in her four years inhabiting the State’s Number Two post.

Darren Bailey is, well, basically the exact opposite of Pritzker. The downstate Republican is running a campaign whose vibe can only be described as a clown fucking a copy of Mein Kampf but regretting it in the morning after winning the Primary. He was endorsed in the Primary by The Rancid Cheeto himself, and has spent basically the entire three months since the Primary bashing Chicago as a crime-ridden hellhole before spectacularly flip-flopping and moving into a luxury apartment in the Hancock building, presumably after pissing off too many Chicago GOP donors with his rhetoric. Darren Bailey insists that he’s a serious candidate, and not some Trumpian Clown, but any amount of scrutiny of his platform, or his past views, reveals a pretty prominent red nose and a pair of floppy shoes. Bailey’s time in the General Assembly has been full of squirting flowers and rubber chickens, with the aftermath of his COVID lawsuit against JB resulting in a hilarious judgment that lifted the State’s stay-at-home order… but only for Bailey himself. He also was on record telling folks to “move on” just hours after the Highland Park parade massacre, while the shooter was still at large. Whoof. In other massive faux pas, Bailey has said that abortion is worse than the Holocaust, sponsored a resolution in the General Assembly telling Chicago to fuck off and become it’s own State, backtracked on that resolution later, and questioned the legitimacy of the 2020 election. Honk honk goes the clown nose, Darren. Perhaps the biggest buffoonery of Darren Bailey’s political career is, well, how it started. Bailey’s initial State Representative run was propped up by the Headmaster of Clown College; Sixth-Place Gubernatorial Primary Finisher, Radio Host, Florida Man, and Noted Racist Shitbag, Dan Proft. Proft is noted for giving platforms to fascists like Jeanne Ives and publishing overtly racist fake-newspaper mailers about Illinois ending cash bail through an illicit deal with the publisher of the Daily Herald… who then abandoned him at the first sign of JB speaking out about the ads. Bailey is joined on the ticket by Person Who Clearly Hates Herself Stephanie Trussel, who really isn’t even worth discussion Clearly Bailey cannot be allowed to become Governor, and he should stick to clowning full-time once he’s booted from Springfield after his defeat.

Not to be outdone, Scott Schluter is also running for Governor. According to Schluter’s website, he’s a father, a veteran, and Chair of the Southern Illinois Libertarian Party, which… bless his heart. Schluter is almost terminally optimistic, noting in a Facebook post that a whole 8% of respondents of a single poll supported him, and then promising he’d cut taxes if elected. Speaking of which, he wants to repeal the income tax, which I’m sure will have absolutely no negative consequences whatsoever. He wants to “settle the question of term limits” by punting it to the voters, restore Muh Freedoms by auditing the State’s COVID statistics (what??), and… has a shockingly good criminal justice reform policy, focused on decriminalizing all drugs, continuing to abolish cash bail, and ending mandatory minimums and civil asset forfeiture. Looks like someone watches John Oliver! Schluter’s running mate, John Phillips doesn’t have a website of his own (or a page on Schluter’s, which is weird), but he does have a Facebook page, where one of his most recent post features a picture of him with a lesbian couple and the caption, “5 years ago I married this couple, and I would do it again tomorrow.  Having said that, government should not have been involved to begin with.” *Chef’s kiss*

The choice is clear: let’s make sure Illinois’s very own meme gets a second term. Vote JB Pritzker and Juliana Stratton.

Sue-Per Trooper: Illinois Attorney General

Job Description:

The AG is the state’s chief lawyer, which means they represent the state in court. They are charged with upholding and defending state law and advocating on behalf of citizens. Yes, those two pieces can sometimes be at odds. Original Girl, I Guess Co-Author Ellen made a podcast episode to explain this job in more detail.

The Candidates:

Kwame Raoul (D) incumbent

Thomas G. DeVore (R)

Daniel K. Robin (L)

The Dish:

The battle for the state Attorney General spot is yet another circus, with incumbent AG Kwame Raoul facing off against The Gay Lovechild of The Hobbit’s Goblin King and The Penguin from Batman, and A Guy Who Thinks We Should Sell O’Hare to cover Chicago’s debts. Yes, dear reader, this is gonna be one of those. Buckle up, grab your popcorn, and let’s get going.

First off, Kwame Raoul. He’s a perfectly good AG, and absolutely should be retained for a second term. Raoul has gotten a ton done in his first term, including fighting ghost guns (homemade guns, not ethereal firearms owned by deceased people), started a groundbreaking Worker Protection Unit, and has significantly modernized the AG’s office… except for a website that’s straight out of 2004. On the other hand, Raoul has one of the most creative logos I’ve seen in a minute from a statewide candidate! Kwame Raoul isn’t going to blow your socks off with progressive policies, but he’s a solid Democrat, and is doing a good job for Illinois. He’ll defend our progressive laws, and not go too far into left field on some of the things that mainline Democrats are shitty about.

After Raoul, the quality of candidates declined precipitously, so let’s send in the clowns. Tom DeVore is the owner of perhaps the worst tattoos in Illinois, and a right-wing nutjob attorney who made his name fighting against COVID protocols and masking in schools. As expected of an Illinois Republican, DeVore’s campaign gets stranger the longer you look at it. For example, his campaign website has no biographical information about DeVore, his background, why he’s running, nothing. It also lacks a specific platform section, and offers only vague platitudes to “law and order” and “ending corruption”. When asked to state his accomplishments, DeVore uses misleading language to disguise that the only thing he’s ever done is fight in court for people’s right to contract a deadly virus if they really, really don’t want to give a shit about any other living humans. He’s mediocre and boring, y’all. But the foolery doesn’t end there! DeVore’s website also features an attempt at grassroots fundraising, called Dollars for DeVore. This appears to be a group fundraising where people can sign up in teams to raise money for DeVore, and if they raise enough, they’ll be entered into a raffle to win a prize, which is, and I shit you not, a fucking pizza party. Imagine raising over $1000 for some chodenugget to run for statewide office and being rewarded with $50 of pizza. I’m not sure whether DeVore fancies himself a Third Grade Teacher, or a boss of some very disgruntled and currently-unionizing employees. Despite being allowed only eight people per team, you can invite a whopping twenty people to the pizza party if you win. Dollars for DeVore also seems to have some suggesting for the participants; it’s split up into three categories — youth, adult (complete with The Three Genders: Women, Men, and Seniors), and groups. And just… well, you should just look for yourself. To get an idea of how well it’s going for DeVore, one of the fundraiser Q&A points is “what happens if I lose money?” and his campaign finance records suggest that most of the money that he’s raised has been donated by… himself. Fantastic.

Which brings us to a Classic Libertarian Campaign, run by retired attorney and Lover of A Single Clip Art Image Dan Robin. Dan’s love of liberty is his qualification, but somehow he’s also an attorney with 45 years of experience, and he wants us to know that not only did he write a book about how Libertarian economics work (spoiler alert, they do not), but also that he really isn’t into this whole “campaigning for office” thing, and would rather be playing tennis or gardening. Dan’s “about me” section also includes such gems as “bad stuff happens to all of us,” and “I am qualified for this office… because I am a Libertarian.” He also is the only political candidate that I’ve ever seen openly admit to still using an AOL email address. I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried, y’all. Robin’s platform is similarly batshit, as he seemingly wants to abolish public education (????), bemoans the fate of the downtrodden landlord in his poverty plank, and is absolutely thrilled about how COVID has been great for Libertarianism (at least he’s vaccinated?). Credit where credit is due, Robin is also in support of explicit Open Borders, and decriminalizing Victimless Crimes (although this, obviously, needs a bit of a closer look), which, in a true Stopped Clock moment, are pretty good stances. As if to backtrack on his only good ideas, Robin then laid a doozy of a line out in a Facebook post, “the heart and sole (sic) of the constitution is the Declaration of Independence,” a document that was written a full eleven years before the Constitution. Dear reader… a Libertarian. A+, no notes, no votes.

If you couldn’t tell from the comparisons, you should vote for Kwame Raoul for Attorney General.

Y’all Fell for the Himbo Smile: Illinois Secretary of State

Job Description:

The Secretary of State oversees one of the largest State-level bureaucracies of any individual elected official in the country, comprising 21 departments and over 4000 employees. It’s not just the DMV, y’all! The Secretary of State oversees everything from the Inspector General, to the Court of Claims (a special Court involving claims specifically against the State or about State employees), to the State Archives. The scope of the Secretary of State’s job is absolutely batshit, and it’s only expanded in recent years.

The Candidates:

Alexi Giannoulias (D)

Dan Brady (R)

Jon Stewart (Libertarian, Misleading Name Caucus)

The Dish:

Oh, Illinois. Folks couldn’t bear to listen to my criticisms of our state’s favorite empty suit, and boosted the shambling political corpse of Alexi Giannoulias through the Primary, over the better and much-more-qualified candidate in Chicago City Clerk Anna Valencia. Giannoulias is now facing a tough General election battle, with the State’s largest labor union, the Illinois Education Association, already jumping ship and endorsing Republican Dan Brady in the General Election. Yikes. Giannoulias has the personality and charisma of a grocery store potato, and the ambition of the same potato with an “organic” label slapped on it; folks don’t really believe that he wants to be Secretary of State and the wide assumption is that Alexi is most likely trying to rehabilitate his own image in preparation for a run for Federal office. Readers of the Primary edition of Girl, I Guess will remember me ripping Giannoulias a new one over many things, but especially his egregiously cheesy use of his tiny professional Greek basketball career in several TV and online ads. Well, I regret to inform you that Giannoulias released at least four more basketball ads since the release of the Primary Guide. And honestly, this is worthy of an additional aside, so if you’ll humor me for a moment, I’m going to deep-dive into Giannoulias’s basketball career. I will remind you, for those who may think that my coverage on this matter is getting extensive, or unkind, that Giannoulias opened this door, and I’m simply walking through it.

To start with, I scoured the internet, high and low. I trekked across the Information Superhighway. I surfed the whole net. Giannoulias’s basketball stats for his seasons at the University of Chicago, and his single season on Panionios B.C. in Greece do not exist on the internet. They’re simply not findable. The UChicago Men’s Basketball digital archive starts the year Giannoulias transferred. Other teams go much further back, with soccer, for example, going back to the 80s. The only record of the lineup I could find for his Greek basketball team from the 1998-1999 season doesn’t have his name on it. I did, however, find Giannoulias’s records on Sports Reference, for the two seasons he played at Boston University. And based on those stats, unfortunately, I am forced to conclude that Alexi Giannoulias sucks at basketball. In two seasons at BU (1996-1997, and 1997-1998) Giannoulias played in twenty total games, and scored all of eighteen points (six 2-point shots and two 3-point shots). In the 1996 season he played in seven games and made one basket. One. In seven games. Now, I’ll admit, there’s no record of how many minutes he played in those games… but still. Dear reader, I am a fat Jewish Lesbian. I am in, at best, mediocre shape. I am no athlete, and recently played a homosexual game of baseball wearing not athletic shoes, but Docs, because I do not own gym shoes, because I do not go to the gym. I will posit to you that I could probably do what Giannoulias did in his first season at Boston University. I could score a single basket in a season of D1 college basketball, if I were allowed to play in 7 full games. Now Giannoulias made his one basket in only five attempts, and I will admit it would likely take me far more than that, but still. This is a man who is hanging his political career on a campaign largely composed of a smile, a business suit, and a slew of ads trading heavily on his, by all available records, putrid post-high school basketball career. I’ll also grant you that Giannoulias was better in his second season at BU, scoring sixteen points on seventeen shots, and I likely could not do that. BUT STILL. This is the man choosing to run, as of this writing, no fewer than six basketball-themed ads because he was B-Ball Buddies with Barack Obama. Oy gevalt. I’m also calling on Giannoulias to #ReleaseTheStats and let the public know his statistics from his two seasons at U Chicago and his one season in Greece. The voters have a right to know!!

Anyway, back to politics, Giannoulias is still endorsed by every moderate under the sun, a huge number of unions, and a bunch of other folks. I do find it notable, and suspicious, that the progressives who endorsed Anna Valencia in the Primary have declined to line up behind Giannoulias for General Election purposes, and left his progressive credentials resting on the endorsements of folks who he hopes cancels out the endorsements of every single terrible Alderperson and a couple of scandal-ridden State Senators, among others. Alexi’s platform is admittedly quite good, with a focus on increasing voter registration and access (pre-registering 16 and 17-year-olds is still one of the best ideas of this cycle), modernizing the office and creating common-sense digital programs like appointments and remote services, expanding library access, and increasing services while reducing costs. Alexi Giannoulias is the wrong candidate for this job, but he’s the candidate we’ve got. I’m giving him a firm “meh,” an endorsement, and really hope he doesn’t fuck it up 2010-style this time.

Dan Brady is the man working to make sure Giannoulias fucks it up again, and has already made inroads with his aforementioned IEA endorsement. After besting a lesser-known candidate in the Primary, Brady is likely Republicans’ best shot at winning a statewide race in Illinois in 2022. As such, Brady’s campaign is almost suspiciously innocuous, with a sparse platform featuring vague promises to focus on library development, modernize the office, and increase organ donor registration. Brady’s platform, though, causes more questions than it answers. If elected, will Dan Brady kowtow to anti-LGBTQ fascists and start supporting book banning campaigns statewide? Will he roll back the progressive gains that Illinois has made in self-attestation for gender on IDs and scuttle the X gender marker rollout? Will he curtail ballot and voting access, like Republicans across the nation? The risks are too great, and Dan Brady is hardly trustworthy. Despite hiding behind a moderate platform, Brady’s endorsements and voting records show a significantly right-wing views. Brady voted against, among others, prohibiting housing discrimination based on source of income, supporting reproductive freedom, giving teachers COVID sick days without penalty, ending cash bail, expanding civics education, birth certificate changes for trans people, same-day voter registration, same-sex marriage, preventing school bullying, civil unions in Illinois, providing free public transportation for Seniors, stem cell research in 2007, a smoking ban in vehicles… you get the picture. Dan Brady is a nutjob masquerading as a moderate, and he cannot be elected, no matter how unctuous Giannoulias is.

Also running is the Libertarian Party’s first member of the Misleading Name Caucus, Jon Stewart.

Alas, not that Jon Stewart. THIS Jon Stewart, a former pro wrestler and North suburban car salesman doing his best impression of Dr. Phil on LSD and replacing fellow member of the Misleading Names Caucus, Jesse White. Stewart is no stranger to politics, having run for State Rep in 1998, US Senate in 2000, Congress in 2009, and Governor in 2018 (losing in the Libertarian Primary to Original Silly Name Caucus Inductee Grayson Kash Jackson, formerly known as Benjamin Adam Winderweedle). According to his Ballotpedia page, Stewart has also already launched a Presidential run for 2024, despite having not yet lost his Secretary of State bid. Way to bet on yourself, Jon! He has no campaign website, no campaign social media that I can find, and is running for Secretary of State because he has extensive DMV experience as the owner of, and son of, a car dealership. In true Brady Bunch style, Girl, I Guess is saying “Ok, Jon.”

Alexi Giannoulias is meh, he’s bad at basketball, and he’s potentially going to lose, but we’ve gotta stop that from happening if we can. Hold your nose and vote for Alexi Giannoulias in the General Election. 

Vote the House Down: US House of Representatives

Job Description:

Creates and approves legislation for the US House of Representatives, represents their districts on the national stage for fiscal and civil development purposes where appropriate. The Illinois Congressional Map was just completely redrawn, with some Districts being fundamentally altered, and some barely being changed at all.

Illinois 3rd Congressional District

The Candidates:

Delia Ramirez (D)

Justin Burau (R)

The Dish:

Primary Election Golden Shrug-ee Delia Ramirez is trying to take care of business and clean up against extremely sunburnt-looking Justin Burau… whose candidate website makes it sound like he’s trying to run against Sean Casten instead, because he couldn’t get treatment for a specific kind of brain tumor covered under Medicaid (a state program). It’s always weird when Republicans talk about healthcare access. He has a platform, but… eh, whatever. No surprise that he’s tough on crime (fearmongering about the Safe-T Act) with a “Safer Communities” page literally titled “Back the Blue,” and that he’s pro-War On Drugs and wants to bring back the ineffective DARE program. Burau almost has some decent views on Immigration, Healthcare, and Education, but they each get ruined by right-wing nonsense. It’s clear Burau is a fool, and seems absolutely absurd that Delia could ever-brining up up. Meanwhile, if you haven’t read about Delia Ramirez before, feel free to check out her campaign website and Girl, I Guess’s coverage of her in the Primary race. Vote for Delia Ramirez to finish the job, and sent the first Latina to Congress from the Midwest!

Illinois 5th Congressional District

The Candidates:

Mike “Quiggles” Quigley (D) incumbent

Tommy Hanson (R, Yes, this guy again!)

Jerico Matias Cruz (Independent)

The Dish:

I love when Congressional elections are so banal that my work is done for me. In this case, my work was done by me! Last cycle! When THE EXACT SAME TWO CANDIDATES ran for election! Yes, you read that correctly, the 2020 General Election was a matchup between Quiggles and Tommy Hanson. Hanson is apparently on his fifth Congressional run for this exact seat, having run in 2008, 2009 (a special election), 2018, 2020, and again in 2022, which means that he gets his sixth campaign for free! A true snoozefest, and although devoted Girl, I Guess readers know that I don’t care much for Mike Quigley, he’s getting the endorsement because he’s a living, breathing, competent human being, and not a total disaster.

Once again, Quigley is appearing in Girl, I Guess because he’s attracted a truly batshit third-party opponent, this time in the form of Jerico Matias Cruz. Now, the ballot lists him as an “Independent,” but apparently he does belong to a political party. Which he founded in February of 2020. It’s called the New Family Coalition Party (seemingly no relation to the two Canadian political parties which used similar names). The only evidence that this party exists is an archived Wikipedia page about the party, boasting a membership of 1001, and already several factions (politics, am I right?). This is a whole new kind of deeply weird third-party candidate, so let’s jump right in, shall we?

I’m not even sure where to start on Cruz’s campaign website. Perhaps the fact that he’s trying to crowdfund for his campaign on Indiegogo? Maybe it’s his campaign headshot, which can only be described as “giving business mugshot”? What about the extremely extensive internet autobiography, which discloses what can only be described as a very unwise amount of personal information about Jerico’s past, family, schooling, and career? I also submit for “wow, this is really something” consideration the 75-minute unreleased documentary, titled Independent Candidate, which is as-of-yet unreleased… save for a trailer that features the candidate taking his glasses on and off for a full minute. Cruz’s campaign features a hodgepodge set of principles that include some good things (support for free college and vocational school, and legalizing the Devil’s Lettuce), some truly awful things (being pro-life, gun-happy, supporting term limits), and some truly bizzare things (reinventing Medicaid? Supporting Civil Unions in the Mayor’s office for transactions?? Advocating for “medium-sized” government, but then not defining what that means???). All in all, I came away from Cruz’s website more confused about his candidacy than when I initially Googled him, and that’s… not great. Maybe the folks at the NFCP will give their founder a little more prep work for his next run. Because of the whole cult-sounding new party thing, I looked into Cruz’s campaign finances, half-expecting to see some conservative weirdo bankrolling him and the candidate just doing a terrible job at capitalizing but… nope. Nothing. According to Cruz’s FEC filings, his campaign has basically always been broke, with just over $8300 total raise, and most of that in loans. Oof.

Anyway yeah vote for Mike Quigley.

Illinois 6th Congressional District

The Candidates:

Sean Casten (D) incumbent

Keith Pekau (R)

The Dish:

Avid readers of Girl, I Guess will remember Sean Casten as the moderate who wound up on top of an incumbent-on-incumbent redistricting tussle with Golden Shrugee Marie Newman in the Primary. I wasn’t a fan of Casten back then and my impression of him hasn’t improved much. His platform is much more progressive than his actual voting record, which shows him as pretty middle-of-the-pack. Especially distasteful was his deepy currying of favor with the right-wing Israel Lobby in the Primary, although Casten did return $50,000 in contributions from one of the most egregious of those groups after ousting Newman in the Primary, perhaps in an effort to win back favor with some of his new Palestinian constituents. Casten has retained his slew of endorsements from Primary, as well, mostly featuring established politicos and moderates, along with unions, pro-Israel organizations, and big PACs that endorse Democrats running against Republicans. Speaking of which… the reason why we’re here isn’t because I’ve had some thundering change of heart and now care about the electoral well-being of Sean Casten. No, dear reader, I’m covering this race because for the second time in four years, the Republican running in this area is a batshit insane, unrepentantly awful, straight-up Nazi fuckwad.

6th District Republican candidate and Orland Park Mayor Keith Pekau looks like the evil version of Henry Winkler Remember how I said that Republican gubernatorial candidate Darren Bailey’s campaign was the ideological spawn of a one-night stand between a clown and a copy of Mein Kampf, only the clown regretted it in the morning? Well Pekau is what would happen if the one-night stand happened, but the clown came back for seconds. Not only is he endorsed by noted bigot Jeanne Ives and a slew of identical white dude suburban Mayors, but he spends quite a bit of space on his campaign website crowing about his ethics and fiscal responsibility. Now of course, as a morally upstanding conservative, there’s no way that Pekau’s manufactured image could be misleading in any way, right? Everyone, please join me while I laugh evilly and open many, many tabs.

Far from being a squeaky clean public official, and an upstanding citizen, Pekau is a quagmire of scandal, Trumpish behavior, naked corruption, and just obscenely ridiculous bullshit. Despite railing against the very existence of Cook County, and bragging that Orland Park was named the “safest city in Illinois” in his platform Pekau was caught on tape saying that he won’t go to the mall in Orland Park without carrying a gun.  Oh, and that “safest in Illinois”? It’s from a real estate website called safety.com and is essentially meaningless. A different, more reliable website said that Orland Park rated in the bottom half of Illinois cities for safety. Pekau’s claims of fiscal responsibility are equally bullshit, especially because he swept into office after criticizing the former Mayor for wanting to make the Mayoral job full-time and raise the salary, a move that would have actually been cost-efficient, because it would have stopped the village from hiring two administrators at nearly double the cost… but when Pekau was elected he took the full-time salary anyway, to the tune of $600,000 during his first full term. Oh, and Pekau also wasted $70,000 in taxpayer money on a frivolous lawsuit fighting Governor Pritzker’s COVID protocols because he thinks masks are unconstitutional and is a COVIDiot. Oh, and Pekau also unilaterally awarded no-bid Village landscaping contracts to a company he formerly owned and founded. Then got sued for defamation by the Village Manager that he fired while being investigated for these bids. Then spent taxpayer money investigating the investigation. Oh, and Pekau also used taxpayer money to literally sue a fucking church over opening a homeless shelter. As a long-dead meme from the 2010s would say, so responsible, much oversight, wow. Well, what about Pekau’s upstanding moral character or whatever? He literally shouted down and used procedure to prevent a Village Board member (17th District County Commissioner endorsee Dan Calandriello) from speaking during a meeting… and then deleted the recording of him doing that, so that he could cover it up. Oh, and if that isn’t enough? Pekau pals around with the scumbag leaders of the fascist group Awake IL, even accepting an award from the group at one point.

Pekau is an objectively putrid individual, and would be a horror as a Congressman. Vote Sean Casten to kick this asshole to the curb.

The Blue, The Proud, The Illinois State Senate

Job Description:

Represent the interests of their constituents, write, and pass legislation. Approve a budget each year. A lot like the regular Senate, except super different, and a functioning legislative body rather that one that should be simultaneously abolished, and remains the Democrats’ best chance at holding a Federal legislative chamber this cycle. Gosh, those Founding Fathers totally knew what they were doing when they created Congress (eye roll).

IL Senate District 7

The Candidates:

Mike Simmons (D) incumbent GOLDEN SHRUG

The Dish:

Avid readers of Girl, I Guess will remember that initially, I was skeptical of Mike Simmons when he was appointed to the 7th Senate District seat in February of 2021. Well, I’m pleased to say that in the 18 months between then and now, my opinion has completely flipped. I Like Mike!! Since taking office he’s truly hit the ground running, sponsoring a slew of bills, and passing incredible legislation like the Jett Hawkins Act, which prohibits discrimination against natural hair in Illinois schools, a bill expanding student mental health access, and championed a bill in the Senate that was introduced in the House by inaugural Golden Shrugee Kelly Cassidy which allowed PrEP and PEP to be available over-the-counter in pharmacies. When you consider Mike has only been in office for eighteen months at the time of this writing, that’s pretty solid work! Mike’s impact has been felt far beyond Springfield; as Illinois’s first openly LGBTQ State Senator, he’s been active at fighting for residents of his District, actively protesting gentrification, standing up for bodily autonomy, and hitting back at Illinois companies who cave to right-wing bullshit.  Mike has been endorsed by the CTU, Equality Illinois, Planned Parenthood, Personal PAC, the Illinois Education Association, Network 49, One People’s Campaign, and I’m thrilled to be able to add a Golden Shrug to the list. I’m proud to be represented by Mike Simmons in the 7th District, and look forward to him kicking ass and taking names alongside fellow Golden Shrug-ees and District-mates Kelly Cassidy and Hoan Huynh in Springfield for years to come!

IL Senate District 20

The Candidates:

Cristina Pacione-Zayas (D) incumbent

Patrycja “PR” Karlin (R)

The Dish:

A dynamic progressive facing a re-election fight against a dog-whistling Republican, Cristina Pacione-Zayas should be a shoo-in to win a second term in the General Assembly and remain amongst the ranks of prolific badasses in the State Senate. CPZ, as she’s affectionately referred to in the political world, comes to the table with stellar positions on public safety, education, and healthcare access. If prioritizing violence prevention and community restoration, equitable, funded, and community-led public schools, and affirming, expansive, culturally-responsive healthcare access for all isn’t worth a Girl, I Guess endorsement, I don’t know what is! CPZ has the background to prove that all this policy talk matches her walk; the child of community organizers, she worked extensively in her community and earned a PhD (fancy!) from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. Pacione-Zayas’s extensive experience led to a pair of quick-hop appointments, first in 2019 to the Illinois State Board of Education, and then in 2020 to fill the State Senate seat vacated by Anti-Chuy and Girl, I Guess Villain, Iris Martinez upon her election as Clerk of Court. Now, Iris Martinez did sing CPZ’s praises at the time, essentially singing her praises as the Pro-Cop Baddie’s chosen successor, which I really don’t love. However, Pacione-Zayas has shown herself to be far more progressive than her predecessor, and has earned the support of progressive voters in her District.

PR Karlin, who is running against Pacione-Zayas is… eww. Karlin, whose website portrays a person who can only be described as Easy-Bake Ivanka, is a true horrorshow. She’s essentially a walking poster-fash for the Red Scare, shaping her campaign around her family’s “escape from Communist Poland” in the 80s, and making the Democrats sound much cooler as a Party than they actually are. In Karlin’s world, “woke” Democrats want to force children to have bodily autonomy, learn history, not be forced into a religious cult, and be indoctrinated into thinking America is evil. Gross. Maybe Patrycja’s family should have stayed in Poland, I bet they’d love what folks have done with the place. Doubling down on her boring fascist stances, Karlin’s website features a platform as flat as her hair, riddled with antisemitism, transantagonism, and spelling errors. I’d list them all off, but honestly I can’t be bothered. She’s one of those Republicans who says that they’re “pro” a bunch of things which actually mean that they’re anti-anyone who isn’t exactly like them. Karlin can report to Darren Bailey after her November shellacking to turn in her clown costume, because this campaign, just like its candidate, is a joke.

This race, much like the Republican candidate, is a no-brainer. Vote Cristina Pacione-Zayas.

IL Senate District 25

The Candidates:

Karina Villa (D) incumbent GOLDEN SHRUG

Heather Brown (R)

The Dish:

For our next Golden Shrug, we’re going waaaaaaaay out to DuPage and Kane Counties to uplift a State Senator holding down a District that’s deep in Republican territory. Spreading from south of Elgin to the northern part of Aurora, the 25th Senate District was held for years by right-wing idealogue and Dairy Douchebag Jim Oberweis, who was beaten in the 2020 Congressional race by inaugural Golden Shrug recipient Lauren Underwood. Karina Villa is that State Senator, and she’s been an ascendant force in Springfield since she flipped a Republican State Representative seat in 2018. Villa is a bonafide progressive whose values come from her working-class upbringing and her many years as a school social worker, and hoo boy, Karina did not come to play with her platform in this District. Karina supports single-payer healthcare for Illinois, a common-sense fix for school funding and a significant increase in school social workers and mental health professionals in schools, fighting back against elder abuse in the District, and making public services and citizenship more accessible to immigrants. Y’all. This is a woman representing a District that, under Bovine Bastard Jim Oberweis, was going for Republicans by margins of 9 points or more. Karina Villa could easily be a moderate, and play to the Center in this District, but she isn’t taking the easy way out. Karina Villa is a progressive because she knows that progressive policies are best for people, and because she wants to do what’s right as a State Senator. She’s been endorsed by the Illinois Education Association, the Illinois Federation of Teachers, and now she can add a Girl, I Guess Golden Shrug to that list.

Standing in the way of a second term for Villa is Republican  and Living Embodiment of a Daytime Radio Talk Show Host’s Loogie, Heather Brown, who I’m not entirely sure knows what office she’s running for. To start with, the logo button on Brown’s website isn’t her campaign logo… it’s the logo for the US House of Representatives, and I couldn’t find the words “State Senator” on her website anywhere outside of an image of her logo. We’re really off to a great start here. Dear reader, this is truly one of the most unhinged websites I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen… a lot of campaign websites. Heather’s biographical section wants to make sure we know she took an oath to uphold the Constitution (Illinois? United States? Both? I don’t know. I’m not sure Heather does, either), before discussing her childhood sports career and making one of the hardest 9/11 pivots I’ve ever seen. Ever. Behold, the quote: “Her passions included swimming and competing in Chicago Triathlons. She attended the US Open in Swimming at the age of 13, just months after the Twin Towers had fallen. Seeing the destruction first hand, with the buildings still smoldering, had a profound impact on her life. She deeply respects our nation’s first responders.” Whoof. Now, for journalistic purposes, I did look it up, and the US Open in Swimming was on Long Island that year, but STILL. 30 miles away, several months later, at the age of 13, and that just had to make it into her campaign website. At first, I couldn’t put my finger on where I’d felt that kind of energy before, but then I remembered. It’s from here:

Dear reader, that overcompressed gif of Family Guy character Lois Griffin is the digital embodiment of Heather Brown’s campaign vibes. She’s got a bit of everything going on, from the line that says she has “Close Relations” with City and County police, to an endorsement page featuring Woman Who Was Propped Up By A Pedophile-Funding Billionaire Jeanne Ives, Milk Motherfucker Jim Oberweis, “Nurses” (how many?? Which ones??), the Illinois National Guard (all of them??), and a literal police biker gang. Girl. Come on now. Her issues page is somehow even more unhinged, sounding like something ghost written by Donald Trump himself, and I’m not going to spend extra time on it because Heather Brown is clearly a nutjob, and about a sneeze away from being an explicit white nationalist.

Illinois needs folks like Karina Villa, and she deeply deserves to be re-elected against any opponent, but especially against someone like Heather Brown. I’m proud to give Karina my Golden Shrug endorsement!

Hold the Line: Illinois House of Representatives

Job Description:

Represent the interests of their constituents, write, and pass legislation. Approve a budget each year. And, in the case of one candidate in particular, flip a heavily Republican seat from a horrendous incumbent.

IL House District 4

The Candidates:

Lilian Jiménez (D)

JD Sloat (R)

The Dish:

Lilian Jiménez is a name that 4th District voters will hopefully remember from a few months ago, as she emerged from the Primary sporting a Golden Shrug endorsement and a commanding win over her other, lackluster Primary opponents. In June I wrote about Lilian, saying that she was a badass immigration attorney working to make her community better every day, and sporting an endorsement slate that matches up well with her fantastic policy platform. Lilian is the real deal, and as a Golden Shrugee from the Primary, I wanted to give her an extra shoutout here, even though her opponent, JD Sloat, appears to be nothing more than a ballot ghost. If you’re in the 4th District, count yourself lucky and vote to send Lilian Jiménez to Springfield.

IL House District 13

The Candidates:

Hoan Huynh (D)

Alper Turan (R)

The Dish:

My guy Hoan Huynh is a fired-up progressive fresh off a Primary victory where he took down a slew of machine candidates to become the Democratic nominee for the 13th House District. Hoan’s win generated a ton of publicity, and proved that grassroots can still beat big money in Chicago. The son of Vietnam War refugees, Hoan grew up working class, and worked to give back to his community through community organizing, volunteering, and helping Uptown’s small businesses survive the pandemic. Sporting a policy platform that’s chock full of progressive priorities, and touting meaningful Primary endorsements including a Golden Shrug from yours truly, Hoan Huynh is poised to become the first Vietnamese person to serve in public office in Illinois, as well as the first refugee to serve in the General Assembly.

Poor, poor Alper Turan really doesn’t have much of a chance in this race, but wow he seems to be having fun with his campaign website, which looks like it was made by an eighth-grader in 2003. Complete with background sparkles, big movie-font lettering, side-panning animation, Turan’s MySpace aesthetic continues, a circle for a cursor, and literal ClipArt, Turan’s website is wiggity wiggity wack. On the issues, Turan would seem right at home in the first Bush administration; he supports school choice, lowering taxes, and I guess… doing something about crime but not saying what it is that he’d do? I assume he’d make everyone that was ticketed for jaywalking watch the Cubs blow their lead in the 2003 NLCS, and then listen to Matchbox Twenty, and hope that that served as a deterrent. Turan’s “news” section links to several far-right websites, and fascinatingly, he doesn’t name himself as a Republican anywhere on the site. Is it strategy, or did he forget that he’s running under their party line? Who knows.

If you’re in the 13th, help Hoan Huynh bring home the win in November.

IL House District 21

The Candidates:

Abdelnasser Rashid (D) GOLDEN SHRUG

Matthew J. Schultz  (R)

The Dish:

It seems like Adbelnasser Rashid’s third bite at the apple will be his best one, with his Primary round victory over incumbent Michael Zalewski positioning him as the clear favorite in this Southwest suburban District. Rashid would be the first Muslim and first Palestinian in the General Assembly if elected, and as a former staffer for David Orr, Chuy Garcia, and the Illinois Coalition for Immigrant and Refugee Rights, you know his progressive values are coming from the right place. Rashid’s platform showcases his grassroots politics and the anti-corruption themes of his campaign, focusing on taking down public utility and corporate corruption, protecting abortion rights, passing commonsense gun laws, and expanding tax credits for working families. Abdelnasser is going to be an institution in progressive Illinois politics and a force in Springfield, and I’m proud to give him one of this cycle’s Golden Shrug endorsements!

Standing in Abdelnasser’s way is 26-year-old Matthew Schultz, the first Republican candidate in the District since 2008. Schultz runs a Weirdo Anti-Tax Group, and those politics feature heavily in his campaign platform. Alongside wanting to cut taxes, Schultz is seeking to create an independent commission to review District Attorney decisions (you mean… judges?), repeal the Safe-T Act (boo hiss boo), and a shockingly good selection of Electoral Reforms. Aside from term limits, which longtime Girl, I Guess readers will know this Guide opposes for essentially empowering lobbyists over legislators, Schultz’s electoral reforms focus on curtailing lobbying, enabling ballot access, and reforming legislative caucuses. Schultz may be keeping true to his “moderate” label, but he’s still a Republican, and Illinoisians know that GOPers can go off the deep end at any time. Let’s not give him a chance.

Vote for Palestine, Progress, and a man who’s going to create real power in Springfield, Abdelnasser Rashid.

IL House District 39

The Candidates:

Will Guzzardi (D) incumbent

Anthony Curran (R)

The Dish:

I’m honestly thrilled to be able to cover this race… not because ballot ghost Anthony Curran (apparently no relation to Republican State Senator John Curran OR former GOP 2020 Senate Candidate Mark Curran) is interesting or brings anything to the table that’s worth mentioning, but because it includes Will Guzzardi, the best cishet white guy in the General Assembly! The namesake of the Golden Shrugs’ Guzzardi Rule, Will Guzzardi is truly a progressive force to be reckoned with in Springfield. He’s also one of the original anti-machine champions of the new wave of progressives in Springfield, having stormed into office in 2014 by ousting the daughter of Cook County’s most corrupt sock puppet, Joe Berrios. According to Guzzardi’s Ballotpedia page, this is actually the first time that he’s faced an opponent since his initial Primary victory 8 years ago, which is a testament to his values, and his service to the District that he represents. Known for spearheading progressive bills, taking on tough fights against long odds, and truly working the grassroots of his District to fight for increasingly progressive causes, Will Guzzardi is deserving of every accolade, and I’m proud to give him my most enthusiastic non-gilded endorsement here. Plus, he’s Jewish! What’s not to love?

Down for MWRD? Yeah You Know Me! Metropolitan Water Reclamation District

The What Now?

Longtime Guide readers will know that The Metropolitan Water Reclamation District (MWRD) is a favorite of the Guide, and apparently a race where Girl, I Guess has an outsized impact on the vote. It’s an elected bureaucratic position that’s extremely downballot, with little voter education on the role of the Commissioners, so name recognition is king in this election. It’s also one of the few races in Cook County where it’s worth taking a serious look at Third Party candidates. Whereas most Green Party candidates come off as aged hippies or concerning kooks, GPIL usually does a decent job at finding qualified, thoughtful individuals to field for the MWRD race which makes sense because if the GREEN Party is going to be good at anything, it better be the elected environmentalist job.

MWRD oversees water-based infrastructure for the Cook County region. The Commissioners are responsible for safeguarding our waterways, treating wastewater, and preventing flooding and contamination. It seems like this weird niche little governing body, but it’s important!  The MWRD is in charge of the Stickney Plant which is the largest water facility treatment center in the world. It controls 9,500 acres of land in Cook County, mostly alongside waterways and reservoirs, making them the second-largest landowner in the County. And they lease out a lot of that land, sometimes to polluters like oil refineries, asphalt plants, and antifreeze manufacturers. Which seems … troubling! And yes, sometimes those polluters pollute! Into our waterways! That we use to drink and bathe and do aquatic things!! So there is some feeling that the people in charge aren’t actually doing a great job of protecting our water.

Other troubling things about the MWRD: they’re known for corruption, trafficking in clout, lacking transparency, and other generally Bad Behavior. And that’s not great when they also control a lot of taxpayer money.

How does it work?

There are 9 elected commissioners on the MWRD board. They serve 6-year terms but those terms are staggered. Three commissioners get elected (or re-elected) every two years. Sometimes, a commissioner leaves halfway through their term (in this case, Aquatic Lesbian Debra Shore got a fancy Federal gig at the EPA), triggering an additional election for the remaining years left on their term.

Full Term

The Candidates:

Mariyana T. Spyropolous (D) incumbent

Patricia Theresa Flynn (D)

Yumeka Brown (D)

R. Cary Capparelli (R)

Mark E. Buettner (G)

The Dish:

Perhaps the most interesting part of this primary is serial party-flipper R. Cary Capparelli, who has run for office in four consecutive even-year elections… twice as a Republican and twice as a Democrat. I’ve heard of flip-flopping in politics but this is truly ridiculous. He’s also got a 4.8 out of 5 on Rate My Professor for his online Geography classes as South Dakota State University, which is pretty impressive! My advice to Capparelli… don’t quit your day job.

As I noted in the Primary, Mariyana Spyropolous is an easy endorsement; she’s a scandal-free incumbent with an endorsement list a mile long, including nods from more than half of the City Council, which is more impressive than it is meaningful on an individual level. I see no reason why Spyropolous shouldn’t keep her job.

This is where things get sticky, as the other candidates are either weak, concerning, corrupt, or more than one of those three.

Mark Buettner, the essentially campaign-less Green Party candidate would otherwise be easy to dismiss, and we could hop on down to the Two-Year Term. However, according to his bio on the Green Party website, Buettner is actually pretty qualified for the job. He’s got a degree in water technology, and has 14 years of work experience in the field, 9 at the MWRD specifically, which is… a hell of a lot better than a random political post, as Girl, I Guess has always considered MWRD an elected bureaucratic seat first and foremost. However, the issue is that Buettner has literally no campaign beyond the GPIL website listing and this short profile on WTTW. No social media or website that I could find, no community backers or donations, nothing. I don’t hit Third Party folks as hard for not having their shit together because they usually have less than zero money of their own outside their miniscule party apparatus, however the lack of effort is striking. While Libertarians often mail it in, the Green Party is known for being… shall we say overly earnest, so this campaign smells funky.

Patricia Theresa Flynn and Yumeka Brown are the Democratic carryovers from the Primary, and mostly seem to be hoping to ride Spypropolous’s incumbency coattails to secure seats of their own.

Flynn, who ran unsuccessfully in 2020, has stepped up her game in a major way since June. She’s revamped her website, added a slew of endorsements, an educational section about the water treatment process, fleshed out her biography, and added a blank “mission” page, which seems… appropriate, given my existing skepticism about her candidacy. Flynn’s updated biography notes her 12 years of experience as a Village Trustee of south suburban Crestwood and her prior work experience at the MWRD, which does make her qualified to hold the MWRD post. She’s done nothing to assuage my Primary round concerns, however, chief among which are her ties to the police (she gushed about the Illinois State Police in a Facebook post and has since added an endorsement from the FOP, which is a major red flag), her links to Iris Martinez as a member of her Primary candidate slate, and her deep ties to trade unions, which benefit from having their toadies on Countywide Boards like the MWRD. I have major clout and corruption concerns about Flynn, which are borne out by a deep dive into her political donations. She’s accepted a slew of donations from union PACs, and corrupt politicians like Tony Munoz, who pulled a ballot switcheroo to empower a relative into the State Senate, and Emil Jones and Mark Hastings, who at the time of this writing were being nailed to the wall in scandals of their own. A red flag is a red flag is a red flag, and Patricia Theresa Flynn has done nothing to prove that she’s trustworthy, despite a handful of progressive endorsements, including from Golden Shrugee County Commissioner Kevin Morrison to balance out her candidacy.

Yumeka Brown, on the other hand, seems to have added little from her Primary campaign, which raises a different kind of concern for me. As I said in the Primary, Brown’s story is compelling (she’s running with a desire to clean up the County’s water system after her son was stricken with a serious environmental illness in 2018,  though thankfully he later recovered), and she seems to have the political and professional qualifications to serve on the MWRD Board as an environmental lawyer, and the incumbent Village Clerk of Matteson. Brown’s website lists endorsements from the County Party and the Chicago Federation of Labor, and that… honestly might be it? Her campaign causes more questions than it provides answers, which is a concern.

However, Brown seems trustworthy, is scandal-free, and appears to be as independent as someone slated by the County Party can be.

Clearly I can’t endorse Capparelli, and I genuinely don’t think he’d know what to do with the job even if he did get elected, and with Spyropolous already shrugged, that leaves the trio of Buettner, Brown, and Flynn. I’m choosing to endorse Mark Buettner and Yumeka Brown, in equal parts because of their qualifications, and because Patricia Theresa Flynn’s campaign has far too many red flags to ignore.  

Unexpired Term

The Candidates:

Daniel “Pogo” Pogorzelski (D)

Toneal M. Jackson (G)

The Dish:

The race for the Unexpired Term on MWRD is actually a pretty easy decision. Daniel Pogorzelski, who bested Girl, I Guess endorsee Chakena Perry in the Primary, is wildly qualified, apparently extremely-well-liked, and has absolutely no chance at losing this race. My only reservations are that Pogorzelski doesn’t seem to have much experience in Water Stuff, despite his extensive experience and Chicago Chops elsewhere, and that he once accepted a donation from City Council’s very own Knife-Wielding Ne’er-DoWell, Nick Sposato.

Green Party nominee Toneal Jackson, on the other hand, seems wholly unqualified to hold the role. Her campaign seems wholly focused on raising awareness about the MWRD, which is needed but certainly not enough for a candidate to hang their political hat on. She’s a Green Party devotee, and is an author, podcaster, and community organizer, and I see absolutely no reason why she’s the right person to serve on the MWRD, or what she’d do beyond publicity for the Board if she got there. A very Third Party Hard Pass from me on Toneal Jackson. Daniel Pogorzelski is endorsed.

Toni vs The Hair: Cook County Board President

Job Description:

The President of the Cook County Board of Commissioners is one of the most powerful local executives in the United States, presiding over the governmental functions of the 2nd-largest County in the nation. The Board President oversees the County-level agencies and commissions (Forest Preserve! Heath and Hospital Services! Justice and Human Rights!), and proposes the County budget for the Board of Commissioners to approve. The office also has wide powers to provide services to folks in the County, things like CountyCare (the Cook County-specific Medicare plan) and Universal Basic Income. They also serve as The Lorax (President of the Cook County Forest Preserve District). This is a big, big job with broad powers, and a huge set of responsibilities, so no wonder connected folks are always running for it!

The Candidates:

Toni Preckwinkle (D) incumbent

Bob Fioretti (R)

Thea Tsatsos (L)

The Dish:

It’s deja vu all over again in the race for Cook County Board President, where Woman That I’m Still Upset Isn’t The Mayor Right Now Toni Preckwinkle is facing off against now-perennial candidate and Donald Trump Hair Afficionado Bob Fioretti, and Libertarian Nutjob Thea Tsatos.

Avid readers, and at this point even casual readers of Girl, I Guess know that I’m a big fan of incumbent County Board President Toni Preckwinkle, and even though she’s repeatedly running afoul of my Smarm Sense by being involved with assorted Democratic Party and Machine foolery, she’s also genuinely progressive, and has championed progressive causes from trans rights, to labor, to universal basic income. Y’all can read about Preckwinkle’s campaign and history here, as well as Girl, I Guess’s coverage of her Mayoral Campaign, and her Primary run here. But by now, y’all know Toni.

Tsatos seems to be a standard-issue Libertarian; an economist whose political views haven’t evolved since the 90s. She hates workers, pandemic safety, and must hate herself, too, for running this campaign in the first place. Hard pass.

Ahhh, Bob. Bobby The Hair. Ol’ Failed Candidate Fioretti. Bob Fioretti used to be a progressive, believe it or not! Apparently he worked with the Harold Washington administration, and was a post-conviction attorney for wrongfully convinced folks… but now he’s a Republican. Whoopsie! Fioretti was elected to City Council in 2007, and was a fierce opponent of Living Embodiment Of Chicago’s Shame, Rahm Emmanuel. After the 2011 election, redistricting forced Fioretti out of his original Ward. So, Fioretti figured he’d challenge Emmanuel for the Mayoral post, and ran in 2015. He finished fourth, behind Willie Wilson, and pulled the endorsements of both the Progressive Caucus of City Council and the Green Party. Then he thought he’d run against Toni Preckwinkle for County Board President. He lost. Then Mayor again, in 2019! And lost! Again, finishing twelfth! Then, continuing the descent into madness, he ran for State’s Attorney in 2020 with the FOP endorsement! And now, here we are, with Fioretti running as a Republican. What a goddamn electoral mess. At the time of writing, Fiorettie’s website is pretty devoid of real content, so hopefully he’s thought better of his life choices and to make a move. Fioretti can consider himself yet another member of Darren Bailey’s Red Nose and Floppy Shoe Brigade.

In the face of a weird clown and a wacky clown, choose the adult in the room. Vote for Toni Preckwinkle.

Elect! These! Gays! (And Accompanying Heterosexuals): Cook County Board of Commissioners

Job Description:

The Cook County Board of Commissioners is a sneaky-important legislative body that legislates for the entire Cook County area. Yes, even Chicago! County-level laws make a huge impact on our day-to-day lives, and shape everything from property taxes, to the forest preserve, and from healthcare access, to human rights of marginalized people in the 2nd most populous County in the nation.

Cook County Commissioner, 9th District

The Candidates:

Maggie Trevor (D) GOLDEN SHRUG

Matt Podgorski (R)

The Dish:

Honestly, I’m not often completely wrong about a candidate, but wow was I glad to have egg on my face about Maggie Trevor, who emerged victorious over the much-better-funded Sam Kukadia in the Primary. I endorsed Kukadia in the Primary, thinking that Maggie wouldn’t have much of a chance on her third try for public office, and somehow I missed that he picked up an FOP endorsement after the Guide came out… embarrassing. BUT, I’m here to correct my mistake in time for the General Election, and wow can Cook County really come out on top in this race. We’ve got an opportunity to flip a previously Republican-held County Board seat in the Northwestern suburbs after incumbent Peter Silvestri announced that he would retire after this term after being the only person to represent the District since the 1994 reorganization.

Maggie Trevor knows how to take on tough challenges, coming within 43 votes of taking down Arch-Fucker Tom Morrison in 2018. She’s a Lesbian nerd after my very own heart, with a PhD in political science, and years of experience in healthcare and environmental work. But Maggie doesn’t stop there: she’s got solid commitments to expand mental health services in the County, protect the Forest Preserve system, expand Metra and Pace, and coordinating street repairs between all levels of government (thank fuck, honestly). Now, I very much don’t love Maggie’s statement that cops don’t have the resources and training that they need, but Trevor has repeatedly talked in public about being a “data person,” and I’m hoping that the very conclusive data that throwing more taxpayer money at cops doesn’t do anything for communities helps move her along on that issue. Regardless, Maggie Trevor ticks a ton of boxes, would be the first Lesbian elected to the Cook County Board, and is endorsed by fellow Golden Shrugee Kevin Morrison (more on him below!), Sierra Club, Equality Illinois, the suburban IFT Local, and a slew of gun violence prevention PACS. This District is vitally important, as it would flip one of only two Republican seats on the County Board, and I think Maggie Trevor is the person to fill it, which is why I’ve given her one of my General Election Golden Shrugs.

Running against Trevor as the successor to Peter Silvestri is Matt Podgorski, who is the son of a cop (eww), a law-and-order candidate (EWW), and a beneficiary of $12,000 in funding from Pedophile-Loving Billionaire Richard Uihlein. That’s not the only interesting thing that can be found in Podgorski’s campaign financials! Apparently Matty Pods has run for Commissioner before… but as a Democrat in 2008, when he lost in the Primary. I wonder what happened after 2008 that could have made a white Polish guy whose dad is a cop become a right-wing Republican… hmmmmm. Not to be outdone by a billionaire who’s ok with Senate Candidates diddling kids, local clowns Tom Morrison, Anthony Napolitano, and Willie Wilson have also given thousands to Podgorski. Also one of Podgorski’s top donors to the tune of $22,000? 41st Ward Republican Committeewoman and CPD Seargeant known for making homophobic Facebook posts. Kessem got a slap on the wrist for the posts, but apparently she’s got a history of violence against other folks, with more Use of Force complaints than 81% of other CPD officers dating back to 2000. Seems like an upstanding human being and totally not a probable Nazi at all. Absolutely love that Podgorski is linked to some of the most violent and hateful people in Chicago. Unsurprisingly, Podgorski’s platform follows this trend. We’ve got all the Republican classics in here: whining about Kim Foxx, demanding more funding for cops while promising to cut taxes, and lowering costs under the Gas Tax (you mean that thing that JB did?). Honestly, I’m surprised that Podgorski isn’t going further on the culture war garbage, but I guess he’ll let his supporters do that for him.

Clearly Cook County can’t afford a Republican like Matt Podgorski. If you’re in the 9th District, vote for Maggie Trevor, who more than deserves the Golden Shrug endorsement while facing off against a joker like this.

Cook County Commissioner, 11th District

The Candidates:

John P. Daley (D) incumbent

Declan Smithi (R)

Brandon Sizelove (L, Silly Name Caucus)

The Dish:

Dear reader, I do not give a single, solitary, semitic fuck about John Daley. He’s a Daley (son of Richard M. and brother to Richard J. for those of y’all who keep up with the lineage of Chicago’s most corrupt electoral family), and is the longest-serving member of the County Board. He’s been around the block several times, having also served in the State House (1985 - 1989), and State Senate (1989 - 1992) before landing his current seat. In fact, he’s been on the Board so long, that he was an incumbent when the Board reorganized in 1994! Eww.I could talk about how he’s so deep into Chicago’s business underbelly that he can barely vote on the County Board without running into conflicts of interest… buuut I’m not here for Daley. He’s getting the epitome of a Shrug because he’s the Democrat, and therefore better by default than the other jokers running. And oh. Do we have some jokers.

No no, my friends, we’re here for a 2022 nominee for the Libertarian Silly Name Caucus, Mr. Brandon Sizelove. Let’s ignore Republican ballot ghost Declan Smith for now, because Sizelove. Caught at the crossroads of Brandon memes and the pure wonder of “Sizelove,” this wonderful man is running a classic Phone It In Third Party Facebook Page Campaign. Unfortunately for the comedic value of his campaign, Sizelove’s Facebook page seems light on substance, but I was able to learn that he likes disc golf, is married, grew up in Greyslake and Chicago, and has two (admittedly adorable) dogs, so at this point I’ve got about a 33% chance of just guessing some of his security questions. This, for some reason, doesn’t seem particularly Libertarian to me. Poor Brandon. Perhaps we’ll add to the ongoing meme and coin the term Beige Brandon for, well, whatever this whole thing is.

Anyway vote John Daley, or save yourself the moral compromise and skip this race, Daley will be fine with or without you, trust me.

Cook County Commissioner, 13th District

The Candidates:

Josina Morita (D)

Andrew Border (R)

The Dish:

The 13th District is bound for new management as longtime Commissioner Larry Suffredin announced his retirement in May of last year. Suffredin, patriarch of an Evanston political family in which his son Tom is a suburban Alderman, had held the seat since 2002.

Facing off to fill the seat is one-term MWRD Commissioner Josina Morita, and Man Who Was Clearly In a Punk Band Before Finding God, Andrew Border. Morita would be the first Asian-American woman to serve on the County Board, a distinction she’s no stranger to after achieving another first as an Asian-American elected to a countywide position. She’s qualified, powerful, and clearly assuming that she’ll sweep into the seat without much difficulty, as her platform is a tad bit sparse. Morita’s qualifications are stellar, and she’s got a self-professed eye for racial justice as a suburbanite married to a Black man, with two Black kids. She’s also grabbed the endorsements of Toni Preckwinkle, and Jan Schakowsky, among others, upping her progressive cred. I wish there was more out there about Morita, whose scandal-free time on MWRD produced little information, and fewer broad-ranging policy priorities.

On the other side is Border, who has the distinction of actually being a Libertarian. He sports a classic Libertarian platform of slashing government spending on salaries and staff (yes, make sure the County Commissioners have no staff. That’ll be great for constituent services), opposing tax increases while funding generic “small business” grants, and spending big, big bucks on the only part of government right-wingers truly love… the police and the prisons. He also wants to prevent Great Lakes water from being bottled or shipped out of the region, which honestly isn’t the worst idea. You know what they say about stopped clocks! At the end of the day, Border is little more than a GOP dweeb with a ballot line, and a shocked face.

Vote Josina Morita, and hope that she lives up to her own hype!

Cook County Commissioner, 15th District

The Candidates:

Kevin Morrison (D) incumbent GOLDEN SHRUG

Chuck Cerniglia (R)

The Dish:

The final Golden Shrug of the General Election Guide goes to the first openly gay member of the Cook County Board, Kevin Morrison!

Kevin has made extending LGBTQ rights and protections, especially for trans people, and has gotten a shitton of stuff done in his first four years on the County Board. Seriously, this list is a smorgasbord of progressive agenda items. Creating a specific Countywide Department of Mental Health? Check. Standing up for renters against shitty landlords? Check. Promoting inclusive language and championing trans rights? Check. And that’s only the beginning, as Kevin has been pushing progressive politics since he was elected. Term two seems like it’ll be more of the same, as he’s committing to continue expanding the work he’s already done if re-elected. I, for one, am a fan of that idea. Plenty of folks seem to agree with me, as Kevin has been endorsed by AFSCME, Equality Illinois, Personal PAC, Sierra Club, the Cook County Farm Bureau (an unusual thing for a Democrat to be endorsed by!), and a slew of progressive electeds including Toni Preckwinkle, Fritz Kaegi, and Golden Shrugees Karina Villa and Delia Ramirez. Cook County Government needs more people like Kevin Morrison, and I’m proud to give him a Golden Shrug!

Opposing Kevin is Chuck Cerniglia, who was honestly the least outrageously bad candidate Republicans could have put up in this District, considering the other guy running in their Primary was a long-bearded fuckwad who’d been convicted of a hate crime against a Lesbian 20 years ago. Sounds about right for Cook County Republicans, as we saw my coverage of Maggie Trevor’s opponent in District 9. Chuck is mostly self-funding, as three of his four donors are members of his family, including himself. I wasn’t able to find much about Cerniglia, showing that after the shitshow of their Primary, I guess that the County Republicans really jumped ship on fielding a real challenger against Kevin. I was able to find a questionnaire by the Daily Herald where Cerniglia comes out… against COVID restrictions, in favor of police, and in support of a gas tax holiday (which is already happening). Also I guess Cerniglia was a Republican Precinct Captain before running, which explains where he came from. Let’s send him back there, shall we?

It’s no contest (pretty much literally) in the 15th District, vote for Kevin Morrison.

Cook County Commissioner, 17th District

The Candidates:

Daniel T. Calandriello (D)

Sean M. Morrison (R) incumbent

The Dish:

This race is a doozy, as lawyer, former State’s Attorney and Orland Park Trustee Dan Calandriello tries to cash in on the work of Golden Shrugee Abdelnasser Rashid from four years ago, and knock off the Cook County Republican Party Chair, Sean Morrison. Rashid, a progressive Palestinian candidate, came within 1400 votes of getting it done, so the more moderate Calandriello is betting that his tack to the middle will be just the trick in this race.

Calandriello has pulled in a slate of moderate endorsements to make that case, going alongside a platform (Dan’s Plan!) that’s equal parts boom (expanding mental health services and protecting the environment) and bust (explicitly stating support for cops and term limits). In the end, this is much less about how decidedly mediocre Calandriello is, and much more about how Sean Morrison is a total horrorshow.

Morrison was appointed to the County Board in 2015 to replace the resigning Elizabeth Ann Doody Goodman, and was (barely) elected to serve a full term in 2018. He’s gunning for his second term this year, and wow is this dude awful. He takes credit for the 2017 repeal of the Cook County Soda Tax (which later research done by UIC shows was actually effective) when folks who follow the County Board know that the key opponent was actually bitter Primary loser Richard Boykin, and touts his support of cops, which avid Girl, I Guess readers will know is a big NO for me. But Morrison’s stances are just a small part of why he’s terrible. The real stank in his Suburban Republican boots is how goddamn corrupt this man is. For example, in June WBEZ uncovered documents that showed Morrison’s house in Palos Park was patrolled by local police 415 times since he took office in 2015. This is after Morrison repeatedly railed against Lori Lightfoot for having an extensive security detail which used government dollars, and attempted to sass Toni Preckwinkle for having a similar detail. All this from a man who touts his commitment to curtailing government spending, while WBEZ records showed that the Palos Park police gave him special attention specifically because he was an elected official. But this was far from Morrison’s first dalliance with ethical scuzzery and moral ain’t-shittery. In 2013, Morrison’s security company, aptly named Morrison Security, covered and vouched for a top executive who was caught by Orland Park police being a pedohile, and attempting to sext a minor. Despite the man being a literal pedophile, Morrison let him keep his top management job, and only fired him after he was caught doing the exact same fucking thing later in Colorado. Just… fantastic. A Republican, a hypocrite, and a person who protects sex predators. Oh… sorry. I just wrote the same thing three times.

He may be boring, but he sure as shit isn’t as bad as the other guy; say “See ya, Sean,” and vote for Dan Calandriello.

I Am the Lorax, I Vote For the Trees: Cook County Referenda

“Shall the limiting rate under the Property Tax Extension Limitation Law for the Forest Preserve District of Cook County, Illinois, be increased by an additional amount equal to 0.025% above the limiting rate for levy year 2020 for the purposes of conserving and restoring land to good health, protecting the water quality of rivers, lakes, and streams, providing natural flood water storage, protecting wildlife habitat, protecting forests to improve air quality, improving and maintaining existing forest preserves and trails of said District, and other lawful purposes of the Forest Preserve District of Cook County, with public disclosure of expenditures, and be equal to 0.076% of the equalized assessed value of the taxable property therein for levy year 2022?”

The Dish:

As I’ll address again later in the Guide, I’m generally against raising property taxes when not completely necessary. Increasing property taxes hurts marginalized and vulnerable homeowners the most, and it also hurts renters, who often see any increase in property taxes reflected in their rents. The County also has plenty of money floating around, and the Sheriff’s department looks pretty juicy at over $619 million for 2022. But, as much as we should defund the police, redistribute their assets among other government offices and the communities that they’ve harmed, and never, EVER allow them to become empowered again… that isn’t likely to happen anytime soon. Cook County is essentially built on a giant swamp, and we love our giant, swampy, nature-fiilled home. It’s important that we protect it, and fully fund its protection. Vote YES to protect Cook County’s nature preserves.  

Oh Shit Oh Fuck Oh Shit Oh Fuck: Illinois Supreme Court

Job Description:

The Illinois Supreme Court has largely the same job as the US Supreme Court, namely: hear appeals from lower courts and may exercise original jurisdiction in cases relating to revenue, mandamus, prohibition or habeas corpus. Its members also have the authority to appoint trial judges to the appellate court on a temporary basis.

Dear reader, I am duty-bound to inform you that this, officially, blows. After dealing with the unelected rule of a Council of Elder Clerics illegitimate nightmare that is the US Supreme Court, Illinois has our own impending disaster on the horizon. When a vacancy arises on the Illinois Supreme Court, it must be filled by a partisan election, and we’ve got two this year. Horrifically, these elections could cause the partisan balance of our Supreme Court to flip if Republicans were to win both of the open seats. That would have the potential to hurtle our beloved state back into the dark ages of, well, everything bad that we used to have in the 1990s, and get rid of all the fantastic, progressive legislation that we’ve passed over the past several years by encouraging Republican State’s Attorneys to file lawsuit after lawsuit to overturn them. That absolutely cannot happen. If you’re a reader of Girl, I Guess and you’re from one of the Collar Counties, this is for y’all. Vote for our lives!!

Supreme Court District 2 and District 3

The Candidates:

Just vote for the Democrat, so either Elizabeth M. Rochford or Mary Kay O’Brien

The Dish:

These races are uniquely difficult to cover on a candidate-by-candidate basis, because the Supreme Court elections are partisan… but as judges the candidates aren’t allowed to run on a specific platform, because they’re not allowed to make rulings in advance on specific issues. Essentially what’s at stake in these two races is the partisan balance of the Court, and given recent national events, we all know what that means. I encourage readers who find the Illinois Supreme Court on their ballot to vote for either Elizabeth M. Rochford or Mary Kay O’Brien as the Democrats on the ballot who are a lot less likely to want to strike down all of the laws that make Illinois worth a damn legislatively.

Who Judges The Judgemen: Judicial Retention

Back in June, we were all voting for candidates to fill vacancies in Appellate Courts, Circuit Courts, and many, many Subcircuit Courts, as well. Now, however, every single one of those races is uncontested, or is boring, so we won’t be covering them.

Instead, we’ll be talking about everyone’s favorite Up-Or-Down voting opportunity… Judicial Retention!! This is both weird and confusing, and profoundly cool! In Cook County we get to vote on whether or not to retain a judge every six years. In other words, we get to decide whether a judge should keep their job. Muahahaha ha haha ha.

Judicial retention votes are incredibly important because judges have a profound impact on people’s lives every day, particularly low income Black, Brown, queer, and trans folks who disproportionately come in contact with the criminal justice system. Historically, judges have almost always been retained because voters didn’t have any easy way to learn about the judges they were voting on, and judges had absolutely no interest in educating voters, because then they could be held, *gasp* ACCOUNTABLE. Plus a lot of people just skipped the judges section on the ballot because it is long and confusing, and nobody knows who any of those people are. But, dear reader, things have changed and it’s way easier to access information about judges and make decisions about who should stay or go. The low rate of voting on these races also means that your ballot can have an outsized impact, and you’re more likely to help kick out a shitty judge!

As always, the amazing folks at Injustice Watch are hard at work on their Judicial Voter Guide, which is out NOW at injusticewatch.org! They cover every single judge, and the foolery that they may, or may not, have gotten up to during their terms. Injustice Watch’s guide is out the week of October 10th, so check the links above to see their coverage on the Bastards of the Bench in a couple weeks!

Below I’ve highlighted a few judges that I feel strongly should be ousted. I’ve done this based on initial Bar Association coverage done by VoteForJudges.org, my own research, and, for the first time, an anonymous source who’s given me some inside information from the County Court System, which has influenced my coverage on a few of the judges. Remember, Judges need to get 60% of the vote to be retained!

Anna Loftus

The Dish:

Given the Evans situation, where Loftus was denied parental leave for no real reason, my impending NO recommendation is also a bit awkward, but wowza is it for a good reason. Apparently Loftus has an issue screening her staff, because she hired an open Trump supporter, who is pro-vigilante murder and anti-Critical Race Theory (read as: actively racist) as a Law Clerk, as evidenced by these public Facebook posts. Yikes. That’s a HUGE vote NO from me.

Alison C. Conlon

The Dish:

In a bit of good, old-fashioned Salacious Courtroom Drama, my source in the Daley Center reports that although Conlon is a good judge in terms of her knowledge of the law, she doesn’t have much regard for ethics and disclosure rules. Specifically, Conlon has apparently been dating a Sergeant in the Sheriff’s office for several years, and has gone to lengths to hide the relationship. Canoodling with a cop might be gross, if not illegal, but my source reports that Conlon’s relationship also got in the way of her protecting her employees from harassment by other Sergeants. A secret relationship, and a penchant for protecting weird workplace behavior? Sounds like a NO vote from me.

UPDATE:

A suburban reader reached out to me to let me know that Conlon is meddling in local library functions in favor of wackjob conservatives out in Niles. Boo hiss boo, and a further reason to vote NO on Conlon.

Daniel James Pierce

The Dish:

Apparently Pierce completely declined to participate in the Bar Association evaluation process, which strikes me as strange, and also strangely lazy. Not a great quality in a Judge. On top of that, Pierce voted to deny a Certificate of Innocence to a man who had already been exonerated of a crime, based on a legal technicality. That makes him an asshole, and we don’t need assholes on the bench. Vote NO.

UPDATE:

Pierce announced his retirement, but may still appear on the ballot. Vote NO anyway, because he won’t be around to have the vote impact him!

Ann Finley Collins

The Dish:

Apparently Collins also completely declined to participate in the Bar Association evaluation process, which remains absolutely wild to me. Given that Bar Association ratings have such a heavy weight in the decisions of many voters, automatically signing up for a “No” is a mind-numbingly bad decision, and in my opinion, makes any judge who does that a dumbass. Vote NO.

UPDATE:

Several people have reached out to me to express that Judge Collins is hardworking and should be retained. I’m including that in this update here because it’s important that folks are vouching for her as a Judge, including one individual who I’ve endorsed in a Judicial race before. But with little other information to work off of, I’m not able to change my endorsement based on her lack of participation in the Bar Association ratings. If anyone is able to tell me why she chose not to participate, that might sway things, but barring that information, I don’t have enough to change my mind.

UPDATE to the UPDATE:

After hearing from a number of individuals about Judge Collins, including from the Judge herself, I’ve got a good enough picture of what happened here to recommend that folks vote YES to retain Judge Collins. Apparently she decided to retire and then pulled a Jordan and un-retired, so she didn’t submit for review to any of the Bar Associations. Weird, especially because Cook County judges make upward of $200,000, so you think you’d be able to plan pretty far out for that retirement, but whatever. The DUI rulings are suspicious, but based on the information that I’ve received, it’s less that Collins is soft on drunk drivers and more that she’s a hardcore Fourth Amendment person, which… cool. It’s murky, as many of these are, but I’m saying Vote YES.

Rossana Patricia Fernandez

The Dish:

Fernandez is also a complicated case. According to all accounts, she’s a capable judge who knows the law, can do the work, and has held a number of impressive leadership positions throughout her career… and also according to the Illinois State Bar Association, the Chicago Council of Lawyers, and an anonymous website where litigants and attorneys can review judges, she’s got some serious problems with her temperament, and has been reported as condescending and disrespectful to attorneys and litigants alike. Bar Associations are split on Fernandez because of her impressive qualifications, but I’m not inclined to give a break to a Judge who should treat people better from the bench. Vote NO.

Carrie E. Hamilton

The Dish:

Hamilton has done some impressive work fighting against corruption in Cook County, with prosecutions against former Governor Rod Blagojevich, former Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert, and red light camera companies on her record. However, Hamilton has also been dinged by accusations of Islamophobia from several individuals who have contacted me independently. While I investigate those to see if anything is there, Hamilton’s endorsement is Under Review.

Based on the conversations I’ve had with several families, I’m still investigating whether I can definitively call Hamilton an Islamophobe… however, the things that I’ve heard establish enough of a pattern for me to personally vote NO on Hamilton. My research is ongoing and unlikely to be completed before Election Day (if it is, obviously I’ll publish it), but I’ll personally be voting not to retain. If you, however, want to vote to retain Hamilton based on her anti-corruption history, there’s a case to be made for that vote, and I can’t blame you for making it.

William H. Hooks

The Dish:

Speaking of Judges who are apparently huge assholes, Hooks is apparently a misogynist who created such a hostile work environment for his colleagues that he was referred to anger management training in 2018. The Illinois State Bar Association doesn’t recommend him for that reason, and calls him a Big Jerk in Lawyer-ese. On the other hand, all the other Bar Associations recommend him, and the Chicago Council of Lawyers praised him specifically for calling out cops who lie on the stand, but holy shit, dude. I can only imagine how awful you have to be to get referred to anger management as a Judge, and I’m not about it. Vote NO.

UPDATE:

A trusted source reached out to me with more context on Hooks’s anger management stint, and it very much changed my mind on this endorsement. Evidently, what went down is that Hooks called out a shitty, ex-cop judge for throwing out the cases against the cops who covered up the murder of Laquan McDonald in 2014. He called her a bitch and a bunch of other things, and she reported him to the presiding justice at the time, so he got sent to anger management classes! Holy shit! Throwing out cases against cops who covered up a murder for a disgraced former Mayor absolutely qualifies someone as a bitch, and Hooks has been on the side of victims of police violence for years internally to the courthouse.

UPDATE to the UPDATE:

Many people have reached out to me regarding the 2013 case of a drunk driver killing cyclist Bobby Cann. I’m currently reviewing more information about Hooks, including relevant information about that case, and evaluating whether this endorsement will be changed. For now, as I place an extremely high premium on anti-cop Judges, Hooks remains a YES for me as I conduct this review.

After spending several days researching Hooks, the Bobby Cann case, and the sentence handed down in that case, I ultimately haven’t found enough to change my endorsement for Hooks. Yes, the Cann case was a horrific instance of the entitlement and carelessness of bad drivers, and a classic example of the irreparable harm that a drunk driver can cause. However, the idea that Hooks handed down the 10-day sentence that Hamel received unilaterally is, evidently, false. Injustice Watch’s profile of Hooks actually reveals that, rather than imposing the sentence himself, Hooks accepted a plea deal that was agreed to by the prosecutors and defense attorney, and noted that Cann’s family didn’t object to the deal at that time. Now, would I have accepted that plea deal myself? Ehhhh… probably not. And although it is rare, judges do have the power to reject plea deals if they feel like they’re unfair, or egregious. However, I think that there’s a huge difference between actively deciding on a sentence of 10 days for a DUI homicide by yourself, and accepting a shitty plea deal.

On top of that, Hooks is actually profoundly anti-cop for a Judge. He’s been a crusader for the Jon Burge torture victims from the bench for years, and anti-cop judges who take an active role in pushing back against police and prosecutorial fuckery are pretty damn rare, especially in Chicago. Accepting a plea deal in the Cann case is… not ideal. But as I’ve said, there’s a world of difference between imposing the sentence yourself, and accepting a plea deal that neither the prosecution nor the family of the victim had an issue with at the time. I’m maintaining that folks should Vote YES for Hooks.

FINAL UPDATE:

Folks have sent me a couple of articles showing that Cann’s family did, in fact, voice at least some objection to the plea deal during the sentencing, and have certainly spoken out against the sentence after it was handed down. This complicates things a little, as accepting a bad plea deal is one thing, but accepting a bad plea deal that the victim’s family objected to at the time is much more of a dick move. Not being a fan of Judges that are dicks, I’m downgrading Hooks’s endorsement to a COMPLICATED YES. However, I still maintain the YES, on the grounds of Hooks’s work fighting for the Jon Burge torture victims. Criteria One for evaluating a Judge for me is “is this Judge a cop” for a reason, and Hooks is the opposite of that. He has, admittedly, run afoul of Criteria Two, “Has this Judge done bad/controversial things in the past,” and that’s where the complication comes up.

The prevailing argument against giving Hooks credit for his anti-cop stances seems to be (on Cyclist Twitter, at least) that the Jon Burge cases were such huge national news stories that any Judge would have been on the side of the torture survivors, and that taking that stance is the bare minimum. I’m not quite sure that I buy that argument because, while yes, ruling in favor of victims of police torture is indeed the bare minimum, continuing to take that stance, over and over again, for years, is pretty far beyond what most Judges do in this town. This is Chicago, after all, and a Judge letting a cop get off easy or scot-free for even the most heinous of crimes (see Servin, Dante and Van Dyke, Jason) is far from unheard of. It’s an ugly situation, and Hooks doesn’t come off looking great, but given the circumstances, and given that at least twenty of Burge’s victims are still incarcerated based on false confessions and evidence, having Hooks on the bench is better than rolling the dice on a Judge who might have a more pro-cop bent.

Ballot Measures

The intrigue, the mystery, the utter kerfuffle that are Cook County and Chicago Municipality ballot measures. Depending on where you live, and even depending on which precinct you vote in, there might be a metric fuckton of these on the ballot in November. Luckily, they’re all yes or no questions. Mental health is on the ballot this year, with a whopping ten of the sixteen City ballot measures focusing on the Treatment, Not Trauma campaign, or reopening the closed mental health centers. These are incredibly important questions, and deserve your vote if they appear on your ballot. However, as all of the questions are largely the same, I’ll just be copy/pasting the answers for all of the individual ballot measures that cover establishing and funding mental health services. The 6th Ward has a wacky collection of overlapping and identical questions on the ballot, so I’ve consolidated them into one section here. Other folks in the City will have the lovely and whimsical opportunity to vote on a dog park, or yet another petty liquor license dispute involving a specific precinct 

Here is the thing: most—if not all— of the measures will be “non binding” which means that the government doesn’t actually have to do anything if a certain measure “wins.” They’re just a way for politicians to gauge public opinion on something. That being said, sometimes a popular ballot measure really does become a law later on. So it can still be valuable to vote on these.

Below, I’ll cover each ballot measure and suggest a vote.

Establishing West Town & Humboldt Park Mental Health Area

Shall there be established, to serve the territory commonly described on this ballot or notice of this question, a West Town and Humboldt Park Expanded Mental Health Services Program, to provide direct free mental health services for any resident of the territory who needs assistance in overcoming or coping with mental or emotional disorders, where such program will be funded through an increase of not more than .025% of the equalized assessed valuation of all properties within the boundaries of the territory?

The Dish:

This precise question was on the ballot for Bronzeville in 2020, and my feelings on the matter haven’t really changed much. The entire City is in desperate need of mental health services, and it seems like Mayor Lori Lie-foot will officially fail to make good on her promise to re-open the City’s mental health centers, and may not get a second term to try and let us down again. Last time mental health was on the ballot, I was very adamant that the City should re-open the centers, but not increase taxes on residents to do it. I still feel strongly that the City should take the money from the existing budget; there’s plenty of money to go around, and the police won’t miss 27.5% of their daily allocation, especially if it’ll fund mental health services for a full year for part of the City.

However, we also know that politicians love an opportunity to look good, and .025% of an increase in assessed valuation is… really not all that much. I’ve come around on this methodology, and think both that the services are worth it, and that the City Council and Mayor are both unlikely to do the right thing on this one (unless next year goes extremely well for us Girl, I Guess types). Vote YES on this measure.

Funding West Town & Humboldt Park Mental Health Area

Under the Property Tax Extension Limitation Law, may an aggregate extension not to exceed $1,100,000 be made for the West Town and Humboldt Park Expanded Mental Health Services Program for the 2023 levy year?

The Dish:

Vote YES, see above for reasoning.

Establishing Southeast Mental Health Area

Shall there be established, to serve the territory commonly described on this ballot or notice of this question, a Southeast Expanded Mental Health Services Program, to provide direct free mental health services for any resident of the territory who needs assistance in overcoming or coping with mental or emotional disorders, where such gram will be funded through an increase of not more than .025% of the equalized assessed valuation of all properties within the boundaries of the territory?

The Dish:

Vote YES, see above for reasoning.

Funding Southeast Mental Health Area

Under the Property Tax Extension Limitation Law, may an aggregate extension not to exceed $650,000 be made for the Southeast Expanded Mental Health Services Program for the 2023 levy year?

The Dish:

Vote YES, see above for reasoning.

Mental Health Response Program W20

Shall the City of Chicago reopen all of the closed Chicago Department of Public Health mental health centers in support of a city-wide crisis response program that dispatches mental health professionals and an EMT to mental health emergency calls instead of police officers?

The Dish:

This is a ballot measure spelling out the strategy for the Treatment Not Trauma campaign that has been platformed in City Council by Alder-bae Rossana Rodriguez, among others. This model is a massive improvement on the Mayor’s plan, which calls for sending mental health professionals to people in crisis… alongside cops. Which really just defeats the purpose of having the mental health professional there at all. The TNT (oof at the acronym) plan is smart, supported by community, and the right thing to do. Y’all should support it, too, so vote YES if this is on your ballot.

Reopening Mental Health Centers W33 — Vote YES

Shall the City of Chicago reopen all of the closed Chicago Department of Public Health mental health centers in support of a city-wide crisis response program that dispatches mental health professionals and an EMT to mental health emergency calls instead of police officers?

The Dish:

This is a ballot measure spelling out the strategy for the Treatment Not Trauma campaign that has been platformed in City Council by Alder-bae Rossana Rodriguez, among others. This model is a massive improvement on the Mayor’s plan, which calls for sending mental health professionals to people in crisis… alongside cops. Which really just defeats the purpose of having the mental health professional there at all. The TNT (oof at the acronym) plan is smart, supported by community, and the right thing to do. Y’all should support it, too, so vote YES if this is on your ballot.

Reopening Mental Health Centers W06 P13,15, 17, 18, & 25

Shall the City of Chicago reopen all of the closed Chicago Department of Public Health mental health centers in support of a city-wide crisis response program that dispatches mental health professionals and an EMT to mental health emergency calls instead of police officers?

The Dish:

This is a ballot measure spelling out the strategy for the Treatment Not Trauma campaign that has been platformed in City Council by Alder-bae Rossana Rodriguez, among others. This model is a massive improvement on the Mayor’s plan, which calls for sending mental health professionals to people in crisis… alongside cops. Which really just defeats the purpose of having the mental health professional there at all. The TNT (oof at the acronym) plan is smart, supported by community, and the right thing to do. Y’all should support it, too, so vote YES if this is on your ballot.

Lakeview Dog Park

On July 12th, 2019, the Park District approved an application to explore development of a fenced, off-leash dog park and proposed a site the size of 2 tennis courts where Briar Pl. runs into Inner Lake Shore Dr., currently a grassy area by an on-ramp. Since that time, the Lakeview Dog Park Council incorporated as a non-profit to advance the process. The Council has completed all necessary steps and collected over 5000 signatures in support, yet the project has stalled due to lack of support from local elected officials. Should our local elected officials form a public/private partnership with the Lakeview Dog Park Council and the Park District to advance to construction of the park in 2023 at the site proposed by the Park District?

The Dish:

This seems reasonable?? And totally fine?? Dogs are cool?? Dogs deserve parks, too, so they have somewhere designated to shit?? I honestly love the coalition of tiny-dog-owning gay men and medium-sized-dog-owning white moms that must have come together to be so petty towards Tom Tunney that they put him on blast in a ballot measure demanding the completion of a four-year dog park project. Tunney sucks, he’s retiring, and I don’t see a reason to vote against a dog park. Vote YES.

Preserving Trees in Parks

Shall the City of Chicago and the Chicago Park District stop cutting down trees in Jackson Park and preserve the trees in South Shore Cultural Center Park?

The Dish:

A version of this question has been on the ballot a few times, specifically as a swipe at the currently-under-construction Obama Presidential Center, which has already permanently changed the face of Jackson Park. Trees are good, they help us breathe, and cutting down trees is bad. Chicago is lucky to have beautiful natural parkland, and folks should absolutely reconsider changing and damaging it just to add a fancy building. Vote YES to save the trees.

Prohibiting Sale of Liquor W39 P19

Shall the prohibition of the sale at retail of alcoholic liquor be continued in this 30th Precinct of the 39th Ward of the City of Chicago? (as such precinct existed as of the last General Election)

The Dish:

This ballot measure, like all others that seek to prohibit the sale of alcohol in any part of the City, is stupid. It appears to be an attempt to create a dry district around the NEIU campus, which is both insulting to the students and useless for the residents of the area. There are only a handful of places to buy alcohol in the area, and as we learned when a similar ballot measure popped up in 2020, all of those places would be exempt from this prohibition anyway, because they were pre-existing businesses. Absurd. Puritanical. A waste of everyone’s time. Someone please contact me after the Guide is out so I can get the undoubtedly Karen-ridden backstory for this! In the meantime, Vote NO.

UPDATE:

I was contacted by the folks who pushed to get this measure on the ballot, and they gave me the low-down! Apparently, despite the confusing wording, this measure is intended to remove the dry district around NEIU, which is a good thing that I support. However, upon further examination, this ballot measure seems to have been taken off of the most recent sample ballot that I could find on the Board of Elections website! If it shows up on your ballot, Vote YES to get rid of a useless dry district.

City of Evanston, Ranked Choice Voting

Do you want Evanston voters to use ranked choice voting (also known as instant runoff voting) to elect the City?s offices of Mayor, Clerk and City Council members beginning with the April 2025 Consolidated Election? 1) If approved, this proposal would allow voters to rank candidates in order of preference in elections for Mayor, Clerk and City Council members. 2) If voters still want to choose just one candidate, they can. 3) A candidate who receives a majority of first choices would win. 4) If there is no majority winner, the last place candidate would be eliminated. 5) Any voter who had that candidate as their top choice would have their vote transferred to their next choice. 6) This process would repeat until a candidate receives a majority of votes in a round of counting, making them the winner. 7) This proposal would eliminate the separate primary election for Mayor, Clerk and City Council members.

The Dish:

I’m generally in favor of electoral reforms like Ranked Choice Voting (RCV) because they give more options to voters, increase knowledge about candidates, and make sure that folks’ votes actually count when they’re showing up to the polls. Evanston is no different, and things that empower voters are always good! There is some concern that RCV might doom progressive candidates like Devon Reid, who was opposed by two conservative candidates in his last election bid, but RCV may also have the effect of increasing turnout to prevent candidates like Reid from getting popped during vote reallocation. Regardless, RCV for Evanston is endorsed by a bunch of reputable Evanston folks… and also the Libertarians, which is a true Stopped Clock moment for them. Vote YES on this measure.

Village of Skokie, Nonpartisan Elections

Shall candidates for Mayor, Clerk, and Village Trustee of the Village of Skokie be elected at nonpartisan primary and general elections, beginning with the Consolidated Primary and the Consolidated General elections to be held on February 25, 2025 and April 1, 2025, respectively?

The Dish:

In one of those truly wacky suburban quirks, Skokie doesn’t have either Democrats or Republicans on the ballot. Instead they have independents, and something called the Skokie Caucus Party. That sounds innocent enough, until you find out that they’re made up of Democrats and Republicans, and have been in power for over 50 years. Yikes. There are some serious shenanigans afoot in Skokie, and a half-century electoral monopoly is more than enough to call for change. The group behind this ballot measure (and the next two), has some good information at their site here. Vote YES for nonpartisan Skokie elections, which force candidates to run on their name recognition and educate voters, rather than benefiting longstanding political institutions. Unlike Chicago referenda, ballot measures in Skokie are binding, so if voters choose this reform, then it happens. If you’re a Skokie-ite (Skokesian? Skoke Folk?) reading this coverage, your vote counts, so use it wisely!!

Village of Skokie, Staggered Terms

Shall the Village of Skokie adopt a system of staggered four-year terms and biennial elections for Village Trustees, beginning with the Consolidated Primary and the Consolidated General elections to be held on February 25, 2025 and April 1, 2025, respectively?

The Dish:

Advocates for this ballot measure say that staggering terms will increase candidate and voter turnout in local elections, and bring Skokie into line with other nearby Villages, who all stagger their terms. Advocates also note that almost all other elected Boards in Skokie already have staggered terms, so it makes sense to bring the Village Board in line. I agree, and think that this is a small, but important change for their municipal system. Vote YES.

Village of Skokie, Hybrid Elections

Shall the Village of Skokie adopt a system of hybrid elections for Village Trustees, in which 2 of 6 Village Trustees are elected at-large and 4 of 6 Village Trustees are elected from districts, beginning with the Consolidated Primary and the Consolidated General elections to be held on February 25, 2025 and April 1, 2025, respectively?

The Dish:

Of the three electoral reforms proposed for Skokie on the General Election ballot, this is the one for which I have the most skepticism. On the one hand, electoral reform advocates in Skokie make the point that a hybrid election, where four Village Trustees would be elected from Districts which represent a quarter of the Village and two are represented at-large from the Village as a whole, would lead to better representation from elected officials and make it easier to run for office. On the other hand… I’m really not in love with Hybrid election models. Our most prominent example of this model is the US Congress, which is famously dysfunctional (or rather, in most cases, non-functional) due to the archaic, stuffy, and poorly-representative nature of the Senate. A more local example would be the Cook County Board of Commissioners, which until 1994 was elected through a hybrid model, which voters chose to ditch in 1990 in favor of Single-Member Districts. The Chicago Tribune says that this vote actually decreased candidate turnout, and it is indeed suspicious that several members of the County Board held their seats from 1994 until this year. However, the voters made this choice for a reason. My personal case against Hybrid elections on the local level is that, especially in the case of an electorate as small as Skokie (just over 63,000 people), the at-large electeds face a serious disempowerment problem. With no dedicated constituency to hold them accountable, or for them to gain buy-in from, they end up as mini-mayors with only a fraction of the power, which leaves little point for their positions at all. It’s much better, in my opinion, to have a fully District-based system, and I don’t buy into the War of the Wards narrative of different areas competing for resources. Ultimately, though, if the folkie in Skokie don’t like how Hybrid Elections suit them, they can always make another change, and I’m of the mind that the electoral reforms should pass as a package, so they have the chance to work as intended. Vote YES.