RingmasterJ5: These two fics were collected from MST submissions by the FiMFiction group “Under the Bridge”. Because of their (horribly-written) clop and gore content, they will only be linked in the “Concrit^{[a][b][c][d][e]} Requests” thread of that group.

Fallen Prime: Clop and gore. I have SUCH high hopes for this.

        GelidEnmity: Can’t be any worse than Mykan’s evil creations.

        RingmasterJ5: Oh, just wait. It can be.

        DiStort: Fun times in store.

        Mephy: I can do gore, but I’m a little ick on the clop. Lets see the worst.

(Hello, my name is nathaniel morrow^[f][g][h]

        DiStort: And I already don’t like you. Wow, that was like, 2 seconds.

NaturalGlitch: I’m going to die here, aren’t I?

Drizzel: I die a lot, it’s almost second nature here.

, but you can call me Prometheus.  

Fallen Prime: Right off the bat I’m thinking of Ridley Scott. That shouldn’t be a good sign.^[i]

Mephy: I’m thinking that he stole fire from Celestia. I hope he enjoys bananas.

Drizzel: ON THE MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!

I’m 16 years old, have black hair, green eyes, small goatee, and 5’10 in height.

Fallen Prime: HiE? Really?

Mephy: And a clear description of his human form as well. This is starting off horrid.

NaturalGlitch: Proper pacing? What’s that?

I’m in the 4th legion ^[j]of the U.S army rangers.

        DiStort: Why do so many HiE stories involve soldiers^[k][l][m][n]?

I serve as a combat sniper, i am armed to the teeth with^[o][p][q][r], a MSR sniper rifle with extended magazine, p99 pistol with a flashlight, tactical knife, and etc. ^[s]

        DiStort: I think I hear the sound of no one caring again...

Fallen Prime: He’ll fit RIGHT into Equestrian society.

Mephy: Why do bronies always know so much about weaponry? I could assume that it’s all the “Call of Duty” they (apparently) play but it’s also a bit disconcerting. NaturalGlitch: This is almost a paint by numbers HiE story. How much more cliché is this going to get?

My squad who are my best friends since pre-k, are my teammates.

Fallen Prime: Oh, BULLSHIT they’ve been together that long. In fact, why are there 16-year-olds serving in the military?

Drizzel: World war 2 maybe?

Michael trisby, is the funny jackass of the group

Fallen Prime: Minus the “funny.”

DiStort: Plus the “unnecessary.” ^{[t][u][v][w][x][y][z][aa]}

along my two other friends, Terra plancoff, and Monica beasley.

DiStort: Remember kids, always round out the gender ratio of your group, or you’ll be politically incorrect!

Mephy: Also remember kids both first and last names are capitalized because they are both proper nouns.^[ab]

Drizzel: Now you know! And knowing is half the battle!

Fallen Prime: G.I. STU!

 Monica is the leader of our squad, and we are known as the lunarians, ^{[ac][ad][ae][af][ag]}

        RingmasterJ5: ...Why? That can’t be your official squad name.

yes... we are bronys and pegasisters.^{[ah][ai][aj][ak][al]} 

Fallen Prime: That doesn’t justify the name. At all.

Mephy: I hate the term pegasister so much I’m already ready to rip this story to shreds.

NaturalGlitch: The biggest mistake the squad ever did was wear MLP merchandise as camouflage.

Our current mission is within Hong Kong, we are fighting a war against the korean and european forces^[am][an], china is suspected of joining the koreans so... ,

        DiStort: So, you’re waging a war in Hong Kong due to suspicions. Classy.

our job is to kill the leader, his name is sun tzu^[ao][ap] the 12th.

Fallen Prime: Yeah, I don’t think this is something the US government would entrust to a bunch of teenagers.

DiStort: Clearly you know nothing of giant robot animes.

Mephy: I loved Gundam Wing.

Drizzel: Chicks dig giant robots.

we are armed with the highest tech and weaponry taxpayer dollars can offer,^[aq][ar][as] so we are like the ghosts off of ghost recon future soldier,

DiStort: “I PLAY VIDEO GAMES, PAY ATTENTION TO ME.” That’s all I heard in that last sentence.

NaturalGlitch: I don’t think teabagging is part of the military curriculum.^{[at][au][av][aw][ax][ay]}

 just teenage version. now... let’s get started)

        GelidEnmity: Woah woah woah, hold the FunBus up... How does this work?

Fallen Prime: It doesn’t. And you should never have assumed it would.

Drizzel: Great, now you must be punished.

“whew.. i feel sooo badass right now, huh terra?” mike said to terra with a huge grin.

NaturalGlitch: “What’s that Terra? A shift key? Now you’re just talking nonsense.”

Fallen Prime: The quotation marks REQUIRED a shift key. So the author knows they’re there.

NaturalGlitch: So he just doesn’t use it properly by choice. That’s a whole new level of stupid.^[az][ba]

“.....” ^[bb]

        DiStort: I think I just found my new favorite character.

terra just stayed silent.

        GelidEnmity: She didn’t want to let him know that his fly was down.^[bc]

 my team is right behind the enemy factory where sun tzu

        GelidEnmity: said that. And I think he knows a little more about writing than you do,                 pal because he invented it! And then he perfected it so that no living man could best                 him in the ring of honor!^[bd][be][bf]

 is located, we prepare to move on monica’s call. “allright lunarians, my friends, let’s do this fast and silently, for luna!!^[bg]”

        RingmasterJ5: Oh, that explains the name. ...That’s incredibly dumb.

        DiStort:

Fallen Prime: The standard has been set for the rest of the story.

NaturalGlitch: How bad do you think the other troops laughed at them, all the time or most of the time?

monica said in eagerness to us.

“oh... prometheus, you downloaded the new episode of my little pony yet? cause after the mission i want to watch it.”

DiStort: Maybe it’s cause I’m not a soldier, but I wouldn’t think a team of highly specialized assassin people would really have the time for that.

Mephy: Hey man, everyone’s gotta have the hobbies. Granted highly trained military assassins would probably bury their PTSD in mounds of drugs but who knows.

 terra said in excitement looking at me.

Fallen Prime: PRIORITIES!

Drizzel: DO NOT WORK THAT WAY^[bh]!

I nodded for my answer, terra gave a nod back and we wait for monica’s call. ^[bi]monica shifts her fingers forward,

Fallen Prime: Inconsistent tenses. I think I’m numb to this after everything else.

NaturalGlitch: My eyes are bleeding. I don’t think that’s supposed to happen.^[bj]

we move out slowly into the factory. we scope the perimeter for any hostiles until i spot sun tzu laying down in front of a strange generator.

        DiStort: Could just be a tanning booth.

NaturalGlitch: “Maybe if I lie still they won't see me.”

 “monica, take a look at this.” i said to her as i stand over sun tzu. monica looks at the body and checks for a pulse, she moves her finger across her neck.

        DiStort: Did Sun Tzu just type /kill or something? Why did he just fall over dead?!

NaturalGlitch: He would rather commit suicide than be assassinated by a group called “Lunarians.”

“so that chinese bastard^[bk] is dead huh?” mike asked with relief in his voice.

Fallen Prime: Wow. Teenagers with absolutely no sympathy for others. Even if the guy was from the other army, you shouldn’t be that desensitized to the fact that you just FUCKING KILLED HIM at sixteen.^[bl]

monica nodded and looked up at the machine. she placed her left hand on the strange generator.

DiStort: And then it absorbed her skin cells, and broke free of its chains to hunt the Doctor and- wait, no. That was a Dalek. My mistake.

NaturalGlitch: I doubt anything even remotely interesting is going to happen any time soon.

on the generator was a green button,

Fallen Prime: That was the start of a new sentence? I couldn’t tell with the lack of capitalization.

Drizzel: GRAMMAR! DO YOU TYPE IT?!^[bm]

monica backed away from it, but mike being a dumbass he walked forward and pressed it.

        DiStort: Hopefully karma will kick in at some point and make him pay for that.

        Mephy: Hopefully the author will suffer as well because of the absolutely atrocious

        writing that is happening here.

NaturalGlitch: I guess Mike just wants to speed up this story so it can end faster.

 The floor began to shake and the generator turned into a blue swirling portal.

Fallen Prime: Where was the orange one? Don’t answer, I’m afraid I already know.^[bn][bo][bp]

We jumped from the shock, mike said two words before he did the dumbest bullshit ever in warfare.

“leeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrroooooooooooooooooyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnssssssssssss!”

DiStort: Aaaaand there’s the sound of no one laughing. It’s like the sound of no one caring, but slightly more painful to the one who it’s directed at.

Mephy: I don’t really understand why people still think Leroy Jenkins is still funny.^[bq][br][bs]

Drizzel: Oh thank God, they ran in.

mike screamed before he fucking jumped in!

        GelidEnmity: But he at least had chicken.^[bt]

        Mephy: Ew, he had Scootaloo?

        GelidEnmity: The innuendos from that are horrifying.

NaturalGlitch: Maybe the portal will send them into Xen.

we jumped in after him seeing there is no where to turn, i passed out as soon as i jumped through, letting “ze darkness” take over. RICHTOFEN

        DiStort: Was that a word?

        Mephy: Apparently it’s a Nazi from “Call of Duty”. IDEFK.

BLACK OPS reference FTW!!!!!!!!!!! ^[bu]

        RingmasterJ5: DESTROYING ANY SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF FTW!

Fallen Prime: HiE almost automatically shoots suspension of disbelief in the face. I don’t know why you’re worried about it NOW.

NaturalGlitch: “Hate” isn’t a strong enough word for what I feel about this “story.”

I^[bv] began to stir awake when i felt soft skin against my face, i open my eyes to see terra smiling. I stand up and look at her, her smile disappears and is replaced with worry. she opens her mouth to speak... but what she said shocked the hell out of me.

        DiStort: Aw, she spoke. She’s not my favorite character anymore.

“prometheus...^[bw] we’re in the everfree forest, that meaning equestria.”

Fallen Prime: How different does Everfree look from ANY OTHER FOREST EVER?^[bx]

RingmasterJ5: She saw a cockatrice, and they were all turned to stone.

Fallen Prime: That would be awesome.

DiStort: I’d settle for mauling by a manticore.

NaturalGlitch: Go Ursa Major!

Drizzel: I’d even take the Timberwolves!^[by]

I was calm but, angry at the same time. “what do you mean we’re in equestria!,

        DiStort: No. Bad author. Learn to punctuate properly.

where are mike and monica!?”

        DiStort: As far away from you as humanly possible? That’s certainly where I’d be.^[bz]

  i yelled at her with rage and worry in my eyes.

        GelidEnmity: ‘Calm’, folks.

 Terra pointed behind her to reveal mike and monica waving at us 12 feet away,^[ca] i looked at terra and gave her a hug. “I’m just glad you all are okay.”

Fallen Prime: You’re the only one.

NaturalGlitch: Terra then takes her knife and stabs him in his neck^[cb] several times.

i said in a apologetic tone and pulled away. terra gave a small nod and walked to mike and monica, i followed her in tow. “okay... prometheus, since you read more fanfics you are in charge from now on, kk.”

Fallen Prime: Flawless logic.

DiStort: Makings of a mighty leader, this one.

Mephy: Being an avid reader of fanfiction does make you a great leader because you have infinite patience for stupidity and lack a gag reflex.^[cc]

NaturalGlitch: How about having the one that knows the most about the show's actual canon be the leader instead?^[cd]

monica said to me with a smile and handed me the lunarian badge.

        DiStort: Oh, god, they made badges ^[ce]for themselves...

 i gave a nod and looked around for a way to ponyville. I spot ponyville over a small ledge,

Fallen Prime: Pick a fucking tense, story!

DiStort: That would require basic writing competence on the author’s part. And if the author had that, we wouldn’t be here.

RingmasterJ5: No, we still would, but for other reasons.

NaturalGlitch: Aw~, I was hoping they would’ve run into some timberwolves or something by now.

it’s the afternoon so everypony

        DiStort: Surprisingly, you’re not even a pony. Why the hell are you using pony words?

        Mephy: Because you instantly forget regular English when you drop into Equestria.^[cf]

 is up by now. i look back to my friends and tilted my head for them to follow. we begin our new journey toward ponyville to start wherever fate leads us.

        DiStort: The gallows, with any luck.

 we approach closer to the town with our weapons in tow ^[cg][ch]

Fallen Prime: That’s the absolute DUMBEST thing I’ve ever seen. Human teenagers, carrying weapons^[ci][cj], just waltzing into Ponyville^[ck][cl] with said weapons in full display.^{[cm][cn][co][cp]} They won’t be alarmed AT ALL.

RingmasterJ5: Shouldn’t Celestia just smite them or something? Bolt of lightning, maybe?

DiStort: Maybe Celestia sees an opportunity for a laugh. She has a weird sense of humor.

until mike speaks out, “hey prometheus, look at our guns they look like the guns off of men in black 3.”

Fallen Prime: Which I highly doubt was out by the time this fic was written.

NaturalGlitch: It was nice that they brought along a special needs person with them.

mike said with a hint of joy in his voice, this caught me off guard as i stop and inspect our weapons, he was right^[cq][cr]. i turned my attention as we were already in the town square. the ponys look in utter horror

DiStort: The ponys were looking on in horror, but the ponies didn’t really care that much.^[cs]

 of the sight of me and my team,

Fallen Prime: And already I’m calling bullshit. They wouldn’t look in horror, they’d just flip their shit and panic.^[ct]

the ponys stare until their attention is averted to the sky. ^[cu]we look up to see a rainbow blur and a brown blur speed toward monica and me.

Fallen Prime: Wait, who’s the BROWN one? Gilda? Why would she be in Ponyville?

DiStort: … is it a flying turd?

Mephy: Silly DiStort, the story can’t fly toward itself.

i grabbed monica and jumped toward the right the blurs missing us by a little. we land on the ground in a awkward position, monica is on top of me in a seductive position,

        DiStort: Dude, it isn’t fanservice if we don’t like your characters.

NaturalGlitch: “This is just like one of my Japanese--” (gets hit in the face)

she jumps off of me and helps me up, we raise our newly designed guns at the blurs, mike and terra follow the gesture. the blurs turn to face us and the targets are identified are... rainbow dash and gilda the griffin.

Fallen Prime: I was right. But you STILL NEED TO ANSWER FOR THAT.

DiStort: Which is probably why the author won’t.

they both take one look at the sight of us and drop in a scared but defensive pose. rainbow dash steps forward a bit and speaks up in a angry tone, “who are you!!, and what are you animals!!!”

NaturalGlitch: Wow, that changeling sucks at impersonating Rainbow.^[cv]

she yells at us, especially me. before i can utter a single word, mike throws a flashbang down blinding them.

RingmasterJ5: REALLY nice first impression, there. What next, grenade the library and decapitate Pinkie?

DiStort: I wonder if Mike used to be part of the team from SWAT 4. That’d explain the horrible misuse of flashbangs.^[cw]

NaturalGlitch: “We’re bronies and pegasisters! We love the show-- OH MY GOD IT’S RAINBOW KILL HER ARG!”^[cx]

i feel a hand grab my neck and pull me into a dark alley, i look up to see my team smiling.

Fallen Prime: Are they PROUD of making a gigantic scene!?^[cy]

as i stand up monica puts her hand behind my neck and pinches, i slap off her hand and start to feel dizzy, i fall face first on the ground and close my eyes, i hear the last of their words before i pass out, “it’s ok, he needs sleep.” monica says in a calm tone.

Fallen Prime: So... tell him to rest. The fuck are you doing?

DiStort: There’s no way these kids have had any real military training.

Mephy: I’m actually completely unsure of what even just happened.^[cz]

I wake up in a cold sweat and look around, my team is sleeping peacefully away from each other. i get up and it appears to be a luminous night, i thank luna for it.

DiStort: I have a really bad feeling that their fanaticism for Luna is going to lead them to try to overthrow Celestia.

NaturalGlitch: Oh, no one could write something that stupid... right?^[da]

 i walk out the alley looking for signs of any civvies, none appear outside... must be sleep.

Fallen Prime: “I FEEL ASLEEP^[db]!”

i walk down a small pathway until i see three stallions dragging something into a near alley, being curious i follow them into a dead end, they throw what they were carrying and the object is no object at all... it’s spitfire from the wonderbolts!^[dc] she appears to be scared out of her life.

Fallen Prime: First of all, I’ve never heard that phrase before. Second of all, of COURSE she’s terrified. You think she’s ever seen humans before?

“p-please don’t rape me!, please!!”

        DiStort:

        Mephy: . . .

NaturalGlitch: This... this is a joke right? This can’t be real.^[dd][de][df]

 she pleaded to one of the stallions who only slaps her flank. “nope^[dg], we’re gonna have fun with you tonight, and after our fun is over... we’ll put you out of your misery.”

RingmasterJ5: ...The hell? Isn’t Spitfire an extremely fast pegasus, able to, i don’t know, FLY AWAY?

Mephy: In addition, as one of the most famous ponies in Equestria wouldn’t she have oodles of bodyguards to keep this sort of thing to not happen?

the first stallion said with a chuckle. ^[dh]i aimed my pistol to his head and fired, a blue plasma shot from the barrel and disintegrated him in a flash.

Fallen Prime: NO. First night in Equestria, and ALREADY you’ve killed something. This is some “Living the Dream” pacing bullshit right here.

        RingmasterJ5: And with some futuristic “blue plasma” shit, too!

DiStort: Yeah! Everyone knows plasma weaponry doesn’t work on ponies. Wait. I think I might be losing my mind.

Fallen Prime: I haven’t lost mine. I kept it somewhere it wouldn’t be hurt by the story.

DiStort: A jar of pickles? That’s where I’d keep my mind safe.

Mephy: All shittiness of the story aside, I applaud the disintegration of a rapist.

the other two turned to see who just killed their friend, they took one look at me and cowered before me begging.

        DiStort: Well? Was he begging or cowering?

 i step in front of them both pointing my pistol at one and aiming my knife at the other.

        DiStort: Unless that’s a ballistic knife, I don’t think you’re using that thing right.^[di]

 the second stallion begged, “p-please don’t kill us d-dude.” he stuttered his last words before i ended him and his pal. ^[dj][dk]

Fallen Prime: Okay. Let me ask, just for clarification... this guy’s sixteen?

RingmasterJ5: Yes. And he just killed three ponies. I know they were obviously bad, but hasn’t he ever heard of “innocent until proven guilty”? They didn’t do anything worthy of the death penalty yet.

DiStort: Its Celestia’s job to vaporize ponies! The nerve^[dl][dm][dn]!

i holster my weapons and approach spitfire, she looks past me to see the stallions gone, then she looks at me. “y-your the one that saved me?”

Fallen Prime: YOU SHOULD NOT BE THAT CALM ABOUT A TRIPLE HOMICIDE THAT HAPPENED RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.

NaturalGlitch: Wasn’t there a scene before involving Rainbow and something about nerve pinching, or did I dream that?^[do]

she asked still scared a bit. “yes mam i saved you, are you okay?” ^[dp][dq]i ask her making sure. she flares her wings and stares at me at eye level, “my names spitfire

DiStort: “Nice to meet you, giant hairless talking ape wielding a thing that vaporizes things, with which you just murdered three ponies!”

what's yours?” she asked me moving closer. “it’s prometheus and your welco-!” my sentence was broken when she had me on my back pressing her lips against mine in a heat of passion^[dr][ds].

Fallen Prime: WHAT?

RingmasterJ5: Er, no. No, story, stop that.

DiStort:

Mephy: And the story is back to having all of my hate.^[dt]

i tried to break free but... it felt right.

Fallen Prime: WHAT!?

RingmasterJ5: Seriously, stop. You’re just going to embarrass yourself, story.

Mephy: Of course, it’s horsefuckers. What else would anyone want to read about? ^[du][dv][dw]

i wrapped my arms around her and she deepens the kiss,

        DiStort: For somepony so opposed to rape, she sure is coming on to him forcefully.

Mephy: And for somepony who was just about to get raped she’s very willing to be intimate with a complete stranger.

NaturalGlitch: I can’t stop vomiting.

 she moans in my mouth and wrestles with my tongue, i felt my member grow so fast it almost busted through my pants,

Fallen Prime: WHAT!?!?^[dx]

NaturalGlitch: “My member got crunched because of my pants, causing me to empty my bladder all over myself.”

spitfire must of felt it because she pulled away and looked down. she smiled and placed her head between my knees and nudged my pants.   (“CLOP ^[dy]INBOUND,

        DiStort: ^[dz]

        Mephy: Why would she put her head at your knees to nudge your dick? WHY AM I

        ASKING THAT QUESTION^[ea]?!

 if you wish to skip move the page down until you see safe zone.”) ^[eb]

Fallen Prime: DON’T YOU DARE-

Mephy: I’ll resist the urge.

NaturalGlitch: There was a safe zone? You already screwed everything else before this.

i pulled down my pants and underwear in one quick motion, she stared at my rock ^[ec][ed]hard member with wide eyes,

Fallen Prime: GODDAMMIT!

DiStort:

Mephy: At least it wasn’t “weeping cock”.

NaturalGlitch: I now wish more than ever that a giant rock would impact the earth right now.

“woah!!, whatever you are, you bring colts and stallions to shame... very badly, poor colts and stallions... they would kill to have your size.”

GelidEnmity: Which is funny, because if I know my anatomy, theirs are usually a foot or longer. So, what, this sixteen year old is superhuman too?

NaturalGlitch: Huh. (smiles) I guess the stallions are “little ponies” in more ways than one! (laughs for a bit, then face gets serious)  Someone kill me now.^[ee]

she said to me breathing on it making me moan a bit. she began to lick my member from the tip down to the my testies, i moaned again and she giggled.

Fallen Prime: It’s been ONE DAY. This is a WONDERBOLT. He’s a fucking HUMAN. IN NO WAY IS THIS ACCEPTABLE.

RingmasterJ5: Humanxpony ANYTHING should never exist in any way.

DiStort: What about a human and a pony in a game of Scrabble?

Mephy: I’m more disturbed that this guy thinks it’s possible for a human to have a penis bigger than a horses. Obviously the author has never seen a horse penis.

NaturalGlitch: I was told by “Dirty Jobs” that it’s usually half of the length of their legs -- WHAT AM I SAYING WHAT’S HAPPENING TO MY BRAIN?!! AHH~!!^[ef]

she then wrapped her mouth around it and bobbed her head up and down rapidly, ^[eg][eh]i moaned louder as she slowed down trying to take it all in, my member was 10.7 i^{[ei][ej][ek][el]}n length

Fallen Prime: NO ONE WANTS TO KNOW THE SIZE OF YOUR DICK.

DiStort: I think it’s more to convince himself than us.

Mephy: What is with men and bragging about the size of their dicks? Women don’t stick rulers in their vaginas and brag about how deep they are.

GelidEnmity: I wouldn’t say that...

NaturalGlitch: I’m learning so much today.

so she had a lot of trouble with it. she slowed down and she proceeded deeper she had about 8 inches ^[em][en][eo]of my length in her mouth, she gagged a couple times and i saw her throat bulge.

        Mephy: WHAT?!

NaturalGlitch: This just proves my theory even further that these ponies are changelings. That’s the only way any of this is even remotely possible.^[ep]

 i was close to the edge and i let out a mild moan of pleasure, “s-spitfire i’m gonna uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” she took all my length in and i shot a load of my hot seed into her begging mouth,

Fallen Prime: GET THE RUSTY SAWBLADES. THIS STORY MUST BE FUCKED SIDEWAYS.

RingmasterJ5: *hands sawblades to Fallen*

Fallen Prime: (violently destroys everything the story holds dear)

DiStort: No, no, no. You guys are doing it wrong. (Pulls out gravity gun) Sawblades are much more effective when launched by SCIENCE.

NaturalGlitch: How about The Ripper? Not only does it make saws that can cut through diamond, it even fires them out at high speeds^[eq][er][es]!

i heard her gulp three times from the amount i ejaculated. she spat out my member with a pop, my member was still hard as rock,

        Mephy: That’s not how penises work. Has any erotic fiction author ever heard the term

        “refractory period”?

spitfire noticed and climbed onto my chest and positioned her dripping pink marehood over my member.

Fallen Prime: I already killed everything this story loves. I can’t do anything more to it that could answer for THIS.

RingmasterJ5: First LTD^[et][eu], now this? “Marehood” just makes everything creepier.

DiStort: I never knew it was possible to have a reverse boner. But now I do. And I sincerely wish I didn’t.

spitfire rammed her marehood on my member ^[ev][ew]with all her force and we both cried out in pleasure,

NaturalGlitch: Then Spitfire tears off her face for her to be unveiled as a dinosaur-werewolf from Mars and kills him?^[ex]

the pleasure i felt from her warmth was unexplainable, this felt 3x better than when i had sex with terra,

        DiStort: We are opening doors here that really ought to remain closed.

        Mephy: Seconded.

NaturalGlitch: What’s the rest of the squad doing during all this? Wouldn’t Terra be a little bit... wait, what am I saying?

 me and terra did it as a dare from mike one time, sorry terra... but spitfire feels so much warmer.

Fallen Prime: You know this is the last thing anyone wants to read about, right? And it only hurts more that it’s more descriptive than LTD.

GelidEnmity(Also LTD): I feel a ponychan name change is in order^[ey].

i thrusted like there was no tomorrow and i was close, spitfire already came twice and i was about to cum. “ i’m about to cum again spitfire!” i said as i continued thrusting. “yessss, cum inside me prometheus!!” she said in excitement. i shot the biggest load ever in my entire my life into spitfires womb, she cried in pleasure as my hot seed settled inside her not leaving.

Fallen Prime: PLEASE tell me it’s over. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell me it’s over.

Mephy: Why does every fanfiction author think that you can get a penis past the cervix and into the uterus? Female reproductive organs don’t fucking work that way.

NaturalGlitch: I want to hurt this fanfic, but I’ll never be able to torture it the way it damaged me.^[ez][fa]

i pulled out of her and she lowered her head next to my ear, “do you believe in ^[fb]love at first sight...

        DiStort: In real life and proper literature, yes. In fanfiction, fuck no.

        Mephy: Especially fanfiction written by horsefuckers.

because when i saw you, i fell for you, i love you prometheus.”

Fallen Prime: ...I’m going to take that as a yes, but I’m still infinitely raging at this.

Mephy: That’s the first thing you expect a victim of attempted rape to do, fall in love.

she kissed my cheek and nuzzled my chest. i could only say the word out of true feeling, “i love you to spitfire. (“SAFE ZONE, you are now safe”.) ^[fc][fd][fe]

Fallen Prime: No. No we are not. Because we already started reading.

NaturalGlitch: This will be a safe zone when the characters fall on their own live grenades.

i pulled my pants and underwear back up

Fallen Prime: Did he pull his pants up BEFORE his underwear? Is he trying to be a superhero?

and said goodbye to spitfire, but she stopped in front of my path, ^[ff]“wait!, take me with you... i feel way safer with my coltfriend.”

Fallen Prime: Okay, not even “LIVING THE DREAM” moved this quickly.

NaturalGlitch: She’s referring to the colt .45 he’s caring. She just wants all of this to end quicker.

she pleaded with the trademark sad puppy dog face.

DiStort: I... don’t seem to recall Spitfire doing that enough for it to be considered trademark.^[fg]

 i hoisted her up in my arms which caught her by surprise,

        Mephy: A 5’10” 16 year old just picked up a horse. What is this bullshit.^[fh][fi]

i began to walk back to my team and our alley. when we reached the alley my team was still asleep, spitfire saw my friends and asked me about are they my friends, i told her the story on how we got here and she absorbed it like a sponge.

Fallen Prime: Note how the word used is “absorbed” rather than “believed.”

NaturalGlitch: Oh, she was a sponge the whole time. Now this is making sense.

i lay next to my new marefriend and we wrap up in each others embrace, we kiss for a good two minutes and let sleep take over... little did we know, my team seen EVERYTHING!!, ^[fj]even the sex!!!, ^[fk]

Fallen Prime: That’s HORRIBLE. These characters are despicable.

DiStort: (Holds up small rock) This represents the small amount of pity these characters will receive from me for having to witness that. Enjoy it, for it is all you shall receive.

so... tomorrow they're gonna call me on it for sure.

        Mephy: I’d certainly call you out on being a horsefucker.

NaturalGlitch: Right after they finish throwing up.

Author notes: I seriuosly don't give a fuck anymore,

        DiStort: Clearly.

 and i just do it calm depression,^[fm] so i simply thank you.

Fallen Prime: Is this the end of a chapter, or is this stuck in the middle of the story?

Mephy: I didn’t know fucking horses was an effective means of treating depression.

I awaken to something warm and wet, i open my eyes to see my new marefriend spitfire licking my face trying to wake me up.

Fallen Prime: Spitfire is now a dog.

NaturalGlitch: It was Winnona in a Spitfire costume the whole time! I almost made myself retch a little there.^[fn]

i smiled and gave her a hug, “morning spitfire.” i said still hugging her, “hey babe, last night was amazing huh?”

        DiStort:

she asked me in a begging tone.

Fallen Prime: “Nope. You sucked.”

NaturalGlitch: “Who are you again?”

i nodded my head, she smiled and hugged me this time, but our embrace was broken when two figures grabbed me and spitfire and pulled us away^[fo][fp]. i grabbed my captor and flipped him over my shoulder, i pull my hand back to deliver a blow to his neck but... it’s terra.

Fallen Prime: You were grabbed. The only thing tall enough to grab you would be a human, MAYBE a Diamond Dog. But I think you’d assume it was one of your squadmates.

i look up to see spitfire okay she is just sitting down next to monica and mike. terra got up and punched me in the face, i held my chin in anger, “what was that for!!!”

DiStort: Being an insult to your race, playing off the panic of an innocent pony rape victim, being a generally unlikeable dickhead, and the list goes on...

NaturalGlitch: I’ve made a list; he's got about... one hundred and four problems so far^[fq].

 i yelled at her with my clenched fist ready to punch her back, “that's for flipping me, and spitfire!!... i thought you would go for rainbow dash or pinkie pie!!, but spitfire!!! she’ll just ditch you... i would be better!”

        RingmasterJ5: I have no clue what’s going on anymore.

        DiStort: Welcome to the club. We have jackets.

Fallen Prime: They have “WTF AM I READING” sewn onto the back.^[fr]

Mephy: She’s jealous of a magical talking pegasus? And not completely grossed out by the fact that he just fucked a horse? She even suggested two other horse that she’d prefer he’d fuck. What a warped mind the author has.

she yelled back at me, i stare at her for a moment with eyes full of hate,^[fs][ft] until i just let go. “ FINE!!!!, you think your better!?, then prove it.” ^[fu]

Fallen Prime: Are you inviting her to have sex with you? After you just bedded Spitfire the night before? You’re BEYOND awful.

i yell back as i pull of my lunarian badge and drop it on the floor. “ Because i quit!!!!”

Fallen Prime: ...no, you’re still the worst kind of person.

DiStort: Times seven.

Mephy: I think he’s bigger and times eight.

NaturalGlitch: Oh, the drama. Can the hero ever win back the trust of— I WANT ALL OF THEM EATEN BY CTHULHU!^[fv][fw][fx]

i turn around and storm off to god knows where, i hear spitfire call my name but i just run off quickening my pace to get away from it all.

NaturalGlitch: He runs off a cliff, somehow landing in the mouth of an ursa minor, and he is then eaten alive.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I stop and collapse on some grass and began to think over my life,

Fallen Prime: Wait. A character in a bad fic... actually stopping everything and looking at all their shitty choices?

DiStort: Don’t get your hopes up for something introspective.

(“wow, all my friends hate me, i’m a killer of men, i’m 16 and in the military... how the fuck did that happen?

        DiStort: Boy, ain’t that the million dollar question.

 all i remember is graduating as a student of class 2014

        RingmasterJ5: Wait, wait, wait. 2014? Wouldn’t that make the author...14 now?

Fallen Prime: No, 16 sounds more right if it was written this year.

RingmasterJ5: Actually, from the author’s bio: “i'm 14^[fy][fz][ga] and love writing and watching MLP: FIM”

Mephy: He forgot the “and fucking horses” bit.

and receive a call from a guy like fucking sergeant hartman and bam!, trained and already killing people.

        DiStort: I wonder if there’s a record for fastest/least necessary enlistment.

NaturalGlitch: He was enlisted to a group called “Cannon Fodder.”

 My mother was killed and i just cried... i’m a bitch.

Fallen Prime: You’re a bitch for crying about your mother’s death? I thought that would be, you know, typical human compassion.^[gb][gc]

I suck at writing ^[gd]even though i gave others good ideas, but i suck ass at my own.

Fallen Prime: Yeah. I can see that.

I wish i can just destroy everything, and to top it all off, everyone hates me and i just let my mother down of being a soldier... fuck it, fuck it all!!!!!!!!”)

Fallen Prime: No. PLEASE keep in your pants for the rest of the story.

NaturalGlitch: “♫Crawling in my skin...♫”

I pull out^[ge] my pistol and put it to my head,^[gf]

        DiStort: DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT.

 i struggle to pull the trigger, i just drop my gun and lay back down.^[gg][gh]

        DiStort: FUCK.

 i throw up the middle finger to the sky

        DiStort: Letting the preps know the score, huh?

 and flip off everybody and everything back home... “fuck all of you.” i say as i close my eyes, as a failure to life and others, i just drift off to sleep.

        RingmasterJ5: And now, dumb Cupcakes-revenge. Completely different fic.^[gi][gj][gk]

Fallen Prime: THANK GOD. I think the gore will be the lesser of two evils.^[gl]

Mephy: Gore is always a good time, but with a title like “Cupcakes-Revenge” I think it’s doomed to suck.

In the bakery, Pinkie Pie was making cake. "OH NO!" She yelled "I ALMOST FORGOT TO MEET EPICBLOOM^[gm] 

Fallen Prime: ...what? Who the fuck is “Epicbloom?”

DiStort: Either a typo or a retarded nickname for Apple Bloom, I guess.

AT SWEET APPLE ACERS!"

Fallen Prime: OBJECTION!

DiStort: Um, do you have any evidence warranting this objection? Not that I mind, I’m just curious.

Fallen Prime: “Fuck this story” is my evidence.

DiStort: Groovy. Sustained.

And ran out of the bakery.When she got to sweet apple acres Epicbloom

DiStort: Maybe Applebloom legally changed her name to Epicbloom in the hopes it would get her a cutie mark in epic-ness.

was bucking apple trees with Applejack. "Oh hi pinkie!" ^[gn]Applejack yelled. And walked into the house.

Fallen Prime: The word “and” shouldn’t be used like this to start sentences.

"Hi Epicbloom, Sorry im late." Pinkie apologized. "Oh, Its okay. You were gone long enough for me to make a sample cookie just for you!" Epicbloom replied.

Fallen Prime: This grammar is all kinds of stupid.

DiStort: And stupid of all kinds. And dumb.

Mephy: And the Epicbloom^[go] thing is really getting on my nerves.

Pinkie pie took the cookie and stared at it... long and hard. "This isnt some prank cookie is it?"

DiStort: Yes, it’s a prank cookie. As soon as you bite it, a bunch of plastic snakes are going to shoot out of it.

Pinkie asked not believing Epicbloom. "Why dont you trust me!" Epicbloom yelled.

Fallen Prime: Because I see little reason to believe this is a character we know and trust?

Just then Big Mac walked over and said "What are you fighting about this time." "She made a cookie but i think shes trying to prank me!" Pinkie said with a hoof facing Epicbloom. "IM NOT PRANKING YOU!" Epicbloom yelled in frustration.

        DiStort: Boy, is this a riveting exchange or what?^[gp]

"Why don't ah try the cookie to prove its not a prank." Big Mac offered. "NO!" Epic bloom yelled.

Fallen Prime: That’s not incriminating at all.

"Why not?" Big Mac and Pinkie Pie said together. "Because I made it for Pinkie Pie!" Epic bloom protested shoving the cookie in Pinkies mouth. Then her coworker-Crystal-who was hiding behind the tree

Fallen Prime: Wait, who?

DiStort: Y’know, Crystal? That pony who lives behind the tree?

Mephy: I think it’s a nickname for her imaginary friend that appears when she takes crystal meth^[gq][gr].

bucked an apple onto Big Macs head. Then when he went to see who did it Epic bloom  kicked Big Mac causing blood to flow endlessly from his head.

        RingmasterJ5: ...Endlessly?

Fallen Prime: That’s the ONLY part of this you question!?

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR!" He exclaimed angrily,

DiStort: I think the proper reaction would be “Oh dear Celestia, I’m bleeding out, somepony get the medkit out before I die.”

Fallen Prime: Stop trying to tab proper reactions onto these dumbasses.^[gs]

 Then Epic bloom took a frying pan from Crystal,

        DiStort: Who... had a frying pan taped to his butt or something.

 who was now standing next to her and hit Big Mac with it knocking him uncouncious.^[gt][gu] Then she dragged Pinkie into the Apple celer ^[gv]with Crystal following closely behind.

Fallen Prime: Okay, is this supposed to be “Cupcakes” or “Sweet Apple Massacre?”

RingmasterJ5: Something dumber.

DiStort: That’s saying something^[gw].

Authors note: Epicbloom and Pinkie Pie do not get along... At all.

Fallen Prime: And THIS is an author’s note in the middle of the story. This thing will never make EQD. Not that it ever had a shot before...

Pinkie Pie opened her eyes enough to see what was happening and where she was. She was strapped onto a table in a room that she recognized as the apple celar. Epicbloom was leaning over a plate with a variety of knives while Crystal paced back and forth in front of a yellow pegasus known as Fluttershy,

Fallen Prime: Oh, you wouldn’t dare.

who was trembling in a corner begging the blue alicorn

        RingmasterJ5: Oh of COURSE he’s an alicorn.

        DiStort: As if we needed further sign that this story is a hunk of shit.

to not kill her. "fluttershy?" Pinkie gasped. "crystal! epicbloom!" Crystal turned away from Fluttershy and stared at Pinkie Pie walking slowly towards the table with a mad expression on her face.

Epicbloom handed Fluttershy a knife and whispered "kill the pink one or shell kill you."

DiStort: So, kill Pinkie Pie or be murdered by a shell? Well, that’s not much of a threat. Shells are pansies^[gx].

 So Fluttershy followed Crystal and stuck the knife in Pinkie leg. "FLUTTERSHY!" Pinkie yelled struggling to break free. "IM GONNA KILL YOU!" "Thats why im gonna kill you first." Fluttershy said in her normal soft voice and proud smile.

Fallen Prime: I don’t know if this is better or worse than actually killing her.

Mephy: It’s certainly stupider than both options.

Epic bloom then walked next to Crystal

        DiStort: Who’s just kinda... hanging out, I guess.^[gy]

and handed her a knife then all three of them started to stab and cut Pinkie Pie.

Blood went everywhere.

Fallen Prime: I wonder why^[gz].

On the walls, the ceiling, the table, and the three happy ponies. When they were done Pinkie was nothing but a doll with huge gaping holes, steep cuts, and horrible stab wounds all over.

        DiStort: What exactly have we accomplished here?

note: i love short chapters they make a longer story!

Fallen Prime: Which is what I’m afraid of.

Mephy That’s complete and utter bullshit.

When they went to clean up Vynil Scratch walked in.

        DiStort:

Fallen Prime: “Vynil?” Oh, that’s gonna get annoying...^[ha][hb][hc]

When she saw Pinkies lifeless body she screamed. Her ear peircing scream bounced off the walls of the cellar. Everypony heard it. Not one missed it,

DiStort: Probably because they all heard it. It’s a good thing not one of them missed it. But that was probably because they all heard it.

Mephy: What is Vinyl Scratch doing at Sweet Apple Acres?^[hd]

And they all came running into the cellar to find Vynil standing on the stairs mouth wide open, Pinkies body with horrifying wounds on the table, but worst of all...

Fallen Prime: There was a spilled glass of milk!^[he]

They saw Epicbloom, Crystal, and Fluttershy standing the blood spattered room, Knives in mouth and blood on hooves, backs, flanks, everywhere they looked they saw the three murderous ponies, blood, and poor Pinkie Pie on the table.^[hf]

Vynil was the first to say something "W-What happened?"^[hg]

        DiStort: Well, they WERE filming a music video, until you guys walked in on the shot!

 She stuttered fear stinging her voice. "Fluttershy? Ah didnt know you were a murder."

Fallen Prime: Wait, you DID kill her!?^[hh][hi]

Applebloom said calmly.

Fallen Prime: Okay, is she Applebloom (which SHOULD be Apple Bloom) or Epicbloom? PICK ONE!

RingmasterJ5: No, Epicbloom’s the blue alicorn.

Fallen Prime: Then who the fuck is Crystal?

RingmasterJ5: I don’t know^[hj][hk][hl].

The smile that had been on the ponies faces were now gone. "THEY MADE ME!" Fluttershy yelled but it was no use. Scootaloo and Sweetie belle ran out of a dark corner of the cellar blood on there faces. "WE SAW EVERYTHING!" They yelled.

        DiStort: They were filming extra footage for the director’s commentary.

" Epicbloom dragged Pinkie down her and Crystal strapped her to the table. Fluttershy came down to find us. I quess we didnt choose a very good hiding place

Fallen Prime: Who the hell’s talking? And why is it even first-person now?

because when she did Crystal cornered her and Epicbloom picked out knives. When Pinkie woke up Epicbloom scared Fluttershy into killing her. All three worked together and now shes dead!"

Princess Celestia and Princess Luna walked into the cellar

        DiStort: I guess they had nothing^[hm] better to do that day.

with three guards. One guard took Epicbloom and put her in a cage. The second one took Crystal and injected poison into her^[hn]. The third guard took Fluttershy in the back to clean up. The princess' thanked Scootaloo and Sweetie belle for the information and used there magic to clean there faces of blood.

Fallen Prime: Again, PRIORITIES!

All the ponies started cleaning the cellar. When they were done the guards buried Pinkie pie next to the cellarentrance, left the caged Epicbloom in the cellar, Sent Fluttershy, Scootaloo, and Sweetie belle to therapy. Nopony knows what happened to Crystal after that

        DiStort: Nor did anypony particularly care.

        Mephy: Seeing as she was injected with poison I guess she died^[ho].

 for when they went to get her body she dissapeared. Nopony heard from her or Epicbloom they dont even go in the cellar in fears that Epicbloom escaped the cage.

A year after the murder, Starchase

Fallen Prime: Who are these ponies?

went into the cellar because she was curious why nopony would go in there. ^[hp]When she got into the cellar she found the green pegasus Epicbloom

Fallen Prime: Okay, so I think that means Crystal was the stupid alicorn.

with a insane smile on her face holding a dead rat in her mouth. When Epicbloom saw Starchase she dropped the rat, licked her lips,^[hq] and said "Dinners here!"

"W-WHAT!" She yelled terrified. "Im gonna eat you!" insane epic yelled. "What are you doing down here anyway? You have obviously been down here for way to long. But i can tell you one thing im not a cookie^[hr]!"

        DiStort: Did she... say you were one?^[hs]

 Starchase yelled with increasing panic. Just then a blue alicorn walked in. her mane flowing, and a knife in her mouth.

Fallen Prime: Oh fuck no. NOT LUNA.

DiStort: Actually, I think that’s Crystal.

Fallen Prime: The fact that I’m able to mistake the two is unacceptable^[ht][hu].

Starchase was in full panic mode now. She was so panicky, that she didn't notice when a blur of green flew by her. She felt a sharp pain in the back of her head, then everything went black, and she collapsed to the floor.

                                                                                      --------------------------

  When starchase awoke, she was bound to a table with thick leather straps holding her limbs down tight.

        DiStort: I’m sensing a pattern here.

        Mephy: I’m sensing that this story should have ended a long time ago.^[hv][hw]

There was a dim light above her, and Epic bloom and Crystal were standing above her. She screamed at their wicked smiles, holding knives in their mouths. "W-where am I?" asked a panicked Starchase. "Oh, well were gonna make you into cookies!

DiStort: Y’know, cupcakes I sorta get, but I’m not sure how one would incorporate flesh into a cookie.^[hx]

Mephy: Don’t you know what chocolate chips are made out of?^[hy]

 we ran out of the special ingredient." Before Starchase could respond to Crystal, She jabbed a knive into her flank. The scarlet blood

Fallen Prime: As opposed to fluorescent yellow blood.

dripping into a bucket Epic bloom was holding. She placed the bucket down as Starchase screamed in pain.

   Then, Epic bloom made a wide Y shaped insicion on Starchase's chest. She pulled the flapps back and started taking out her organs. ^[hz][ia]

Fallen Prime: What, no shitty organ puns? I’m disappointed in you!

She put them in the blood filled bucket one by one. Blood was everywhere but Starchase was still alive. "Your tough!" Crystal said. "But can you stand this!?" She put the knife in Starchase's eye and turned until eye juice

        DiStort: As opposed to blood and/or tears.

        Mephy: I’m pretty sure the author meant vitreous humor.

dripped into the bucket. Then she did the same with the other eye and took them out.

Starchase screamed in pain but Epic Bloom and Crystal didn't stop. One by one they took turns stabbing, scarring, and prying at Starchase until all the blood was completely strained from her. Crystal took out Starchase's brain

Fallen Prime: So they’re zombies now?

and put it in the bucket. Then they disposed of her body and went to make cookies.  ^{[ib][ic][id][ie]}

        DiStort: What a fun, productive day that was.

Fallen Prime: These stories are stupid. And you’re stupid for making me read them. And now I’m stupid.

RingmasterJ5: I think this entire F/F/T3K group has made us all either stupid or insane.

Fallen Prime: …“or?”

RingmasterJ5: It depends on what you do with the fics. You can either just riff them, or take your complaints to the author and his fans, like we did with Mykan.

Fallen Prime: That’s less stupid or insane, and more just plain ballsy.

RingmasterJ5: I didn’t say which one was which.

Fallen Prime: Neither did I.