(Alice onstage. The White Rabbit enters stage right running fast in a straight line across the stage.)
White Rabbit: (Panic) I shall be too late! (Exits stage left.)
Alice: (Brilliant) Down! Down! Down! Will the fall never end?
How many miles have I fallen?
I must be getting somewhere near the centre of the earth.
That would be four thousand miles down.
That's about the right distance.
What latitude or longitude have I go to?
Will I fall right through the earth?
I'll come out among people who walk with their heads
downwards.
I'll ask them what country it is.
Is this New Zealand or Australia?
Down! Down! Down!
(The White Rabbit enters stage left, running fast.)
White Rabbit: (Alarm) How late it's getting! (Exits stage right.)
Alice: Even if my head goes through, it would be of very little use
without my shoulders.
Oh I wish I could shut up like a telescope!
I think I could, if I only knew how to begin.
Bottle 1,2,3,4: (Rousing/Raucous) Drink! Drink! Drink!
Drink me! Drink me! Drink me!
Alice: I must be shutting up like a telescope!
Cake 1,2,3,4: (Blazing) Eat! Eat! Eat!
Eat me! Eat me! Eat me!
Yummy, yummy, yummy!
Yum, yum, yum!
Alice: Which way? Which way?
Now I'm opening up like the largest telescope that ever was!
Good-bye feet!
(The White Rabbit enters stage right running fast.)
White Rabbit: (Terror) Oh! The Duchess, the Duchess!
Alice: Sir!
(The White Rabbit starts violently and runs into the darkness of stage left.)
Alice: Have I been changed in the night? Who am I?
Four times five is twelve, and four times six is thirteen, and four
times seven is -
London is the capital of Paris, and Paris is the capital of Rome,
and Rome -
Où est ma chatte?
(The White Rabbit enters stage left running fast.)
White Rabbit: (Horror) The Duchess! The Duchess! (Exits stage right.)
(A Footman with the face of a fish runs on and knocks loudly on a door.
A Footman with the face of a frog opens it.
Both have powdered hair curling all over their heads.
The Frog-Footman hands over a great letter nearly as large as himself.)
Fish-Footman: (Very Grand) For the Duchess: An invitation from the Queen to play croquet.
Frog-Footman: (Pomp) From the Queen: An invitation for the Duchess to play croquet.
(The Footmen bow low and their curls get entangled. The Fish-Footman exits. The door opens and a large plate flies out grazing the Footman's nose and smashes. Walls part to reveal the Duchess's kitchen. The Duchess is nursing a baby and the cook is stirring. A large cat grins.)
Alice: (Sociable) Why does your cat grin like that?
The Duchess: (Uncaring) It's a Cheshire-Cat, and that's why. (Insulting) Pig!
Alice: (Amiable) I didn't know that Cheshire-Cats could grin.
The Duchess: They all can, and most of 'em do.
(The cook throws fire-irons, saucepans, plates and dishes at the Duchess and the baby. The Duchess takes no notice when they hit her. The baby is screaming.)
Alice: (Alarmed) There goes his nose!
(The Duchess begins nursing the child again, singing a lullaby to it, violently shaking it at the end of every line.)
The Cook: Speak roughly to your little boy,
and beat him when he sneezes:
He only does it to annoy
because he knows it teases.
Baby 1,2,3,4: Wow! Wow! Wow!
(The Duchess tosses the baby violently up and down.)
The Duchess: I speak severely to my boy,
I beat him when he sneezes:
For he can thoroughly enjoy
the pepper when he pleases.
Baby 1,2,3,4: Wow! Wow! Wow!
The Duchess: Nurse it for a bit. (She flings the baby at Alice.)
I must go and get ready to play croquet with the Queen.
(The Duchess exits as the Cook throws a frying pan at her.)
Cheshire-Cat: Do you play croquet with the Queen today?
Alice: I would like to, but I haven't been invited yet.
Cheshire-Cat: You'll see me there.
(He vanishes and then reappears.)
Cheshire-Cat: (Polite and curious) Did you say 'pig', or 'fig'?
Alice: Pig.
Cheshire-Cat: (Enigmatic) All right.
(This time the Cheshire Cat vanishes quite slowly, beginning with the end of his tail, and ending with the grin, which remains some time after the rest of it has gone.)
A Mad Tea-Party
(A table is set outside under a tree, and the March Hare and the Hatter are having tea at it: a Dormouse is sitting between them, fast asleep, and the other two are using it as a cushion, resting their elbows on it, and talking over its head. The table is a large one, but the three are all crowded together at one corner.)
Hatter: (Bossy, rude) No room! No room! No room!
Alice: (Protesting) There's plenty of room! (Sits down at one end of
the table.)
March Hare: Have some wine. Have some wine. Have some wine.
Alice: I don't see any wine!
Hatter: (Malicious/crowing) There isn't any. There isn't any. There
isn't any.
March Hare/Hatter: (Bullying) Your hair needs cutting. Your hair needs cutting. Your hair needs cutting.
Dormouse: I breathe when I sleep is the same as I sleep when I breathe.
Hatter: (Fantastic) Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly
Like a tea-tray in the sky.
Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle,
twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle!
(Cries out in anguish) It's always six o'clock now. It's always tea-time.
(Shout) I want a clean cup, let’s all move one place on.
(The Hatter moves as he speaks, and the Dormouse follows him: the March Hare moved into the Dormouse's place, and Alice takes the place of the March Hare.)
Hatter: (Mounting Hysteria) Mouse-traps, Mausefallen, and the moon,
und der Mond, and memory, und das Gedächtnis. Lovucshki
myshi i luna, a pamyit! Trappole per topi, e la luna, e le
memoria. Mus in laqueum diaboli, et lunam, et memoria. (Shouts) The Queen! The Queen!
The Queen's Croquet-Ground
(A large rose-tree stands near the entrance of the garden: the roses growing on it are white, but there are three gardeners at it, busily painting them red.
The gardeners throw themselves flat on their faces. The sound of many footsteps.
First come ten soldiers carrying clubs all shaped like the three gardeners, oblong and flat, with their hands and feet at the corners:
Next ten courtiers: these are ornamented all over with diamonds, and they walk two and two, as the soldiers did.
After these come the ten royal children.
Next come the guests, mostly Kings and Queens, and among them Alice recognises the White Rabbit: he is talking in a hurried nervous manner, smiling at everything that is said, and goes by without noticing her.
Then follow the Knave of Hearts, carrying the King's crown on a crimson velvet cushion.
And, last of all come The King and Queen of Hearts.
When the procession comes opposite to Alice, they all stop and look at her.)
The Queen: (Quietly) Who is this? What's your name, child?
Alice: Alice.
The Queen of Hearts: (Pointing to the three gardeners lying around the rose-tree)
Who are these?
Turn them over
(The Knave of Hearts turns the gardeners over, very carefully, with one foot.)
The Queen of Hearts: Get up!
(The three gardeners jump up and begin bowing to the King, the Queen, the royal children and everybody else.)
The Queen of Hearts: Stop.
I see.
Are their heads off?
Soldier: (Quietly) Their heads are gone.
The Queen of Hearts: (To Alice) Can you play croquet?
Alice: (Softly) Yes.
White Rabbit: (To Alice) It's a very fine day.
Alice: (Softly to the White Rabbit) Very.
The Queen of Hearts: Get to your places.
(In the following section, the performers should deliver the text [on piano techniques - see score] as if addressing massed rallies of thousands. Everything is done as in a storm, fighting the elements, declaiming like feverish circus masters, animal trainers, and frenetic auctioneers.
The task is to marry piano techniques to croquet.
The scene should go like the wind, never slower than the speeds indicated.
Players are guillotined randomly.)
The Queen of Hearts: (Tyrannical) Beweglichkeit der Finger bei ruhiger Hand.
Mouvement des doigts enlaissant reposer la main. Action of the fingers, the hand quiet.
Cheshire Cat/King of Hearts: Mouvement des doigts.
The Queen of Hearts: (Cruel) Das Untersetzen des Daumens. Le passage du pouce.
The passing of the thumb.
Alice/Queen/Hatter/Hare/Cat/King: The passing under!
Hatter: (Hysteria) Deutliche Geläufikeit. Volubilité d’exécution.
Clearness in raidity.
Queen/Hatter/Hare: Rapidity.
March Hare: (Light-headed) Leichte Beweglichkeit im ruhigen Staccato.
Mouvement léger, staccato tranquille. Light motion in quiet staccato.
Alice/Queen/Hatter/King: in quiet staccato.
Cheshire Cat: (Monstrous) Gleichheit in Doppelläufen. Egalité dans les
gammes en tierces. Evenness in double passages.
Queen/Mouse/Hatter/Hare/King: double passa-
King of Hearts: (Harsh) Deutlichkeit in gebrochenen Accorden. Clarté dans les
accords brisés. Clearness in broken chords.
Alice/Hatter: broken chords
Alice: (Thrilling) Leichte Beweglichkeit der linken Hand. Agilité de la
main gauche. Light action of the left hand.
Mouse/Hatter/Hare/Cat/King: Left hand. Agilité de la main guche.
Dormouse: (Wonder) Zartes Hüpfen un Abstoßen. Avec delicatessen, bien
detaché. Delicate skips and detached notes.
Alice/Queen/Hatter/Hare/Cat: Zartes Hüpfen.
Queen of Hearts: (Despotic) Gewandheit im Fingerwechsel. Agilité dans le
changement des doigts. Readiness in changing the fingers.
Alice/Queen/Hatter/Hare/King: agilité
Queen of Hearts: (Fanatical) Die möglichste Geläufigkeit. Pour acquérir la plus
grande agilité. The utmost velocity.
Alice/Hatter/Hare/Cat: Velocity!
Cheshire Cat: (Manic) Accord passagen. Passages en accords. Chord
passages.
Alice/Queen/Mouse/Hatter/Hare/Cat/King: Chord passages.
Queen of Hearts: (Shouting Auctioneer) Schnelle Moll Skalen. Gammes
mineures. Grand vi- tesse. Minor scales in rapid tempo.
Alice/Queen/Cat/King: Gand vitesse.
Dormouse: (Bureaucratic) Doppeloktaven. Octaves doubles. Double
octaves.
Alice/King: Double! Octaves!
Alice: (Vertigo) Der Daumen auf Obertasten bei völlig ruhiger Haltung
der Hand. Exercise du pouce sur les touches noires enlaissant
reposer la main. The thumb on the black keys the position of the hand perfectly quiet.
Alice/Queen: touches noires, reposer
King of Hearts: (Domineering) Geläufige Deutlichkeit. Clarté et precision.
Clearness in running passages.
Alice/Hatter/Hare/Cat/King: Clarté. Running passages.
Alice: (Dizzy) Die möglichste Schnelligkeit in Accord passagen. Le
plus grand vitesse, grand vitesse, dans le passage des accords.
The utmost velocity in chord passages.
Hatter/Hare/Cat/King: Le plus grand vitesse.
Queen of Hearts: (Heated) Leichter Armbei geschmeidigen Fingern. Legèreté
dans les bras pendant l’agilité des doigts. Light arm, the fingers
flexible.
Queen/Hare/King: Legèreté dans les bras é des doigts.
Dormouse: (Inflamed) Gleichmäßiger Aufheben beider Hände. Pour
enlever les deux mains avec agilité. Uniformity in raising the
hands.
Alice/Hare: Deux mains avec agilité.
Hatter / March Hare: (Over-heated) Bravour in Ausschlag und Bewegung. Bravoure
dans l’at-taque et dans le mouvment. Bravura in touch and
action.
Alice/Queen: Bravoura attack!
Hatter/Hare/Cat/King: (Violent) Trillerübung. Exercise de trilles. Trill exercise.
Alice/Queen/Mouse/Hare: Triller! Übung!
Queen of Hearts: (Storm) Oktaven mit Bravour. Octaves de bravoure. Octaves
Bravoura!
Alice/Mouse/Cat/King: Octaves mit Bravour!
Queen of Hearts: (Whirlwind) Bravour im Ausschlag und in Tempo. Bravoure
dans l’attaque e le movement. Bravura in touch and tempo
Alice/Queen/Mouse/Cat/King: Bravoure! Bravura!
Cheshire Cat: (Casual) How are you getting on?
Alice: (Protesting) I don't think they play at all fairly, and they don't
seem to have any rules.
King of Hearts: (Irritated) Who are you talking to?
Alice: A Cheshire Cat.
King of Hearts: (Narcissistic) It may kiss my hand.
Cheshire Cat: (Urbane) I'd rather not.
King of Hearts: (Very irritated) Don't be impertinent, and don't look at me like
that.
Alice: (Helpful and friendly) A cat may look at a king. I've read that in
some book.
King of Hearts: (Imperial) Well, it must be removed.
The Lobster-Quadrille
The Mock Turtle (Queen) /
Dormouse: "Will you walk a little faster?" said a whiting to a snail.
"There's a porpoise close behind us, and he's treading on
my tail. See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all
advance. They are waiting on the shingle - will you come
and join the dance?
"You can really have no notion how delightful it will be,
When they take us up and throw us, with the lobsters out
to sea!"
But the snail replied "Too far, too far!", and gave a look
askance – Said he thanked the whiting kindly, but he
would not join the dance.
Would not, could not, would not, could not, would not join
the dance.
"What matters it how far we go?" His scaly friend replied.
"There is another shore, you know, upon the other side.
Hatter: (Cry out like Laurence Olivier at Agincourt) The further off
from England the nearer is to France.
Cheshire Cat: (Cry out) Plus on s'êloigne de l'Angeterre, plus on se
rapproche de la France.
King of Hearts: (Cry out) Chem dal'she myot Anglii, tem blizhe k Frantsii.
The Mock Turtle /
Dormouse: Then turn not pale, beloved snail, but come and join the
dance? Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you
join the dance?
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the
dance?"
Hatter/Hare/Cat/King: (Viruosic coloratura) Beautiful Soup. Beautiful Soup.
March Hare: (Shout) Chorus again!
Hatter/Hare/Cat/King: Beautiful Soup. Beautiful Soup.
Conductor: (Cry out) The trial's beginning!
Hatter/Hare/Cat/King: Beautiful Soup. Beautiful Soup.
The Trial - Who Stole the Tarts?
(The King and Queen of Hearts seated on their throne with a great crowd assembled around them - birds and beasts and the whole pack of cards.
The Knave stands before them in chains and near the King is the White Rabbit, with a trumpet in one hand, and a scroll of parchment in the other.
In the middle of the court is a table with a large dish of tarts on it.)
King of Hearts: Read the accusation!
(The White Rabbit blows on the trumpet, unrolls the parchment and reads.)
The White Rabbit: (Ecstatic) The Queen of Hearts
(Euphoria) She made some tarts all on a summer day:
(The Queen making the tarts.)
The White Rabbit: The Knave of Hearts, he stole (Joy) those tarts.
And took them quite away.
King of Hearts: (Importantly, to the jury) Consider your verdicts.
The White Rabbit: (Exasperated) Not yet, not yet. There’s a great deal to come
before that!
King of Hearts: (Commanding) Call the first witness.
(The White Rabbit blows on the trumpet)
The White Rabbit: First witness!
(Enter the March Hare with a teacup in one hand and bread-and-butter in the other. The Queen puts on her spectacles and stares hard at the Hare who turns pale and fidgets.)
King of Hearts: (Threatening) Give your evidence!
(Impatient) Call the next witness!
(Enter the Cook.)
King of Hearts: What are tarts made of?
(The King looks at Alice, mystified.)
King of Hearts: (Abruptly) Call the next witness!
(To Alice) What do you know about this business?
Alice: Nothing.
King of Hearts: Nothing whatever?
Alice: Nothing.
King of Hearts: That's very important.
The White Rabbit: Unimportant.
King of Hearts: (Order) All persons more than a mile high to leave the court.
Alice: (Objects) I'm not a mile high.
King of Hearts: You are.
Queen of Hearts: (Grotesque) Two miles high.
(At this the whole pack of cards rise up into the air and come flying down on Alice. She screams in fright and anger and tries to beat them off.)
Jabberwocky in Russian
Alice, The Queen of Hearts, Dormouse, White Rabbit, March Hare, Cheshire Cat, King
of Hearts:
Varkalos'. Khlivkie shor'ki Pyryalis' po nave, I khryukotali
zelyuki Kak myumziki v move.
O bojsya Barmaglota, syn, On tak svirlep i dik! A v glusche
rymlet ispolin, Zlopastnyj Brandashmyg.
No vzyal on mech, i vzyal on schit, Vysokikh polon dum, V
gluschobu put' ego lezhit Pod derevo Tumtum.
On vstal pod derevom i zhdet, I vdrug graakhnul grom: Letit
uzhasnyj Barmaglot I pylkaet ognem.
Raz-dva, raz-dva, gorit trava, Vzhi-vzhi, strizhaet mech, Uvauva,
i golova Barabardaet s plech.
O svetozarnyj mal'chik moj, Ty pobedil v boyu! O
khrabroslavlennyj geroj, Khvalu tebe poyu!
The Garden of Live Flowers
Alice: (Polite) Tiger Lily! I wish you could talk!
Tiger-Lily: (Miffed) I can talk.
Alice: Can all flowers talk?
Tiger-Lily: As well as you can, and louder!
Chorus of Daisies: Bough-wough! Bough-wough! Bough-wough!
Tiger-Lily: (Provoked) They know I can't get at them, or they wouldn't dare
to do it!
(Several of the pink daises turn white.)
(Enter the Red Queen)
The Red Queen: (Inquisition, to Alice) Where do you come from!? Where are
you going!? Look up, (Alice looks up) Open your mouth
(Alice opens her mouth) Wider! (Alice opens her mouth wider)
Alice: I wanted to see the garden.
The Red Queen: (Superior) I've seen gardens compared with which this would
be a wilderness.
Alice: I wanted to reach that hill.
The Red Queen: (Scornful) I could show you hills, in comparison with which
you'd call that a valley.
(For some minutes Alice looked out in all directions over the country.
There were a number of brooks running straight across it from side to side, and the ground between was divided up into squares by a number of green hedges, that reached from brook to brook.)
Alice/Queen/Tiger-Lilly/Daisies: It's a great, huge game of chess that's being played
all over the world!
It's a great, huge game of chess that's being played
all over the world!
The Red Queen: (to Alice) When you get to the Eighth Square you'll be
a Queen.
(They begin to run hand in hand.)
The Red Queen: (Shout) Faster! Don't try to talk! Faster! Faster!
Alice: (out of breath) Are we nearly there?
The Red Queen: (Amazed) Nearly there!? We passed it ten minutes ago!!
(viciously!) Faster!
(The wind whistles in Alice's ears, almost blowing the hair off her head.)
The Red Queen: Faster! Faster! Now! Now! Now!
Don' try to talk!
(Shout) Tais Toi! Tais Toi! Now! Now!
Noooooooooow!
Faster! Faster!
Alice: (Shout) Are we nearly there?
The Red Queen: Now! Now! Now!
Faster! Faster! Faster! Faster!
Now! Now!
Rest!
(Calmly) At the end of two yards, (puts a peg to mark the
distance), I shall give you your directions - have another
biscuit.
At the end of three yards I shall repeat them - for fear of your
forgetting them.
At the end of four, I shall say good - bye, and at the end of
five, I shall go.
(She'd put all the pegs in by this time, and Alice looks on as she returns to the tree, and then begins slowly walking down the row.
At the two-yard peg she turns round and says:)
The Red Queen: A pawn goes two squares in its first move, so you'll go very
quickly through the Third Square by railway, and you'll find
yourself in the Fourth Square in no time.
That square belongs to Tweedledum and Tweedledee - the
Fifth is mostly water - the Sixth belongs to Humpty Dumpty.
The Seventh Square is all forest - however, one of the
knights will show you the way - and in the Eighth Square we
shall be Queens together.
(At the next peg the Queen turned again, and said:)
The Red Queen: Speak, in, French.
Jabberwocky in French
Alice: Il brilgue: les tôves lubricilleux
Se gyrent en vrillant dans le guave,
Enmîmés sont les gougebosqueux,
Et le mômerade horsgrave.
(Ecstatic) Garde-toi du Jaseroque, mon fils!
La gueule qui mord; la griffe qui prend!
Garde-toi de l'oiseau Jube, évite
Le frumieux Band-á-prend.
Alice/Queen/Chorus: (Roar) Ahhhh
Chorus (Men): Son glaive vorpal en main il va-
T-à la recherche du fauve manscant;
Puis arrivé à l'arbre Té- Té,
Il y reste, réfléchissant.
Alice: Pendant qu'il pense, tout uffusé,
The Red Queen: Le Jaseroque, à l'oeil flambant,
Alto: Vient siblant par le bois tullegeais,
Alice: Et burbule en venant.
Chorus (Men): Un deux, un deux, par le milieu,
Le glaive vorpal fait pat-à-pan!
Le bête défaite, avec sa tête,
Il rentre gallomphant.
Tenor 1: (Tenderly) As-tu tué le Jaseroque?
Tenor 2: (Loving) Viens à mon coeur, fils rayonnais!
Baritone: (Rough) O jour frabbejeais! Calleau! Callai!
Bass: (Rough Il cortule dans sa joie.
Jabberwocky in German
Chorus (Men): (March) Eins! Zwei! Eins! Zwei!
(With increasing hysteria) Eins! Zwei! Eins! Zwei!
Und durch und durch und durch und durch
Sein vorpals Schwert zerschniferschnück, zerschniferschnück,
(Screaming) zerschniferschnück, zerschniferschnück,
Da blieb es todt! Er, Kopf in Hand,
Geläumfig zog zurück.
Tenor 1: (Hushed) Und schlugst Du ja den Jammerwoch?
Tenor 2: (Tenderly) Umarme mich, mein Böhm'sches Kind!
Tenor 1: (Joyful!) O Freuden-Tag! O Halloo-Schlag!
The Red Queen: Remember who you are! Goodbye.
Alice: (With great excitement) I want to get into the Third! Square!
(She runs down the hill and jumps over the first of the six brooks into a train.)
(Guard puts his head in at the window of the carriage.)
Guard: Tickets please!
(Everyone holds out a ticket about the same size as themselves. The tickets fill the carriage.)
Guard: (to Alice) Show your ticket, child!
(During the following, the Guard looks at her, first though a telescope, then through a microscope, and then through an opera-glass.)
Passengers: Don't keep him waiting child! His time is worth a thousand
pounds a minute!
Alice: I haven't got one. There wasn't a ticket-office where I came from.
Passengers: There wasn't room for one where she came from. The land
there is worth a thousand pounds an inch!
Guard: Don't make excuses. You should have bought one from the
engine-driver.
Passengers: The man that drives the engine! The smoke is worth a
thousand pounds a puff!
Alice: Then there's no use in speaking.
Passengers: Better say nothing at all. Language is worth a thousand pounds
a word.
Guard: (to Alice) You're travelling the wrong way!
Passengers: So young a child, so young a child, so young a child
(The train engine screams and jumps over a brook.)
Alice: It's taking us into the Fourth Square!
The Wood of No Names
Fawn: (Quiet) What do you call yourself?
Alice: (Quiet) Nothing
(They exit the Wood of No Names)
Fawn: (Shock) You're a child!
Chorus: (Triumphant) You're a child! You’re a child! You’re a child!
Alice: If I could only get to the Eighth Square before it gets dark!
It's getting so dark.
Tweedledum and Tweedledee
Alice: (Points at Tweedledum) First Boy!
Tweedledum: The sun was shining on the sea,
shining with all his might,
And this was odd, because it was
the middle of the night.
Alice: (Points at Tweedledee) Next Boy!
Tweedledee: You could not see a cloud, because
No cloud was in the sky:
No birds were flying overhead -
There were no birds.
Twwedledum: O Oysters, come and walk with us!'
The Walrus did beseech!
A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
along the briny beach!
Tweedeldee: Four other Oysters followed them,
And yet another four;
And thick and fast they came at last,
And more, and more, and more -
Tweedledum: All hopping through the frothing waves,
and scrambling to the shore.
'But wait a bit' the Oysters cried,
'Before we have our chat;
for some of us are out of breath,
All: And some of us are fat!'
Tweedledee: Now, if you're ready, Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed.'
All: (Terrified Oysters) 'But not on us!' the Oysters cried.
But (Scream) not on us!
(Tweedledum and Tweedledee exit and the White Queen runs in wildly.)
The White Queen: (Energy) Bread and butter, bread-and-butter.
(to Alice) I’ll take you.
Two pence a week, and jam every other day.
Alice: I don't want any today.
The White Queen: You couldn't have it if you did want it. The rule is jam
tomorrow, and jam yesterday - but never jam today.
Alice: It must come sometimes to jam today.
The White Queen: No it can't. It's jam every other day: today isn't any other day.
(screams) Oh! Oh! Oh! My finger's bleeding! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Alice: Have you pricked your finger?
The White Queen: I haven't pricked it yet. But I soon shall - Oh! Oh! Oh!
Alice: When will you do it?
The White Queen: When I fasten my shawl again. Oh! Oh!
(The brooch flies open, the Queen clutches wildly at it and pricks her finger.)
The White Queen: That accounts for the bleeding, you see. (Smiles)
Now you understand how things happen here.
Alice: But why don't you scream now?
The White Queen: I've done all the screaming already. (Exits)
Humpty Dumpty
Humpty Dumpty (Meditative, pleased): If I did fall off - which there's no chance
of - but if I did. If I did fall, The King has promised me - the
King has promised me - with his very own mouth -
Alice: (Pleasant) What a beautiful cravat you've got on!
Humpty Dumpty: (Urbane / suave) It's a present - from the White King - and
Queen. They gave it to me, they gave it to me as an unbirthday present.
Alice: What is an un-birthday present?
Humpty Dumpty: (Superior) A present given when it isn't your birthday of course.
Alice: (Innocent) I like birthday presents best.
Humpty Dumpty: (Patronizing) You don't know what you're talking about
(Condescending) How many days are there in a year?
Alice: (Polite) Three hundred and sixty-five.
Humpty Dumpty: (Disdainful) And how many birthdays have you?
Alice: One.
Humpty Dumpty: (Patiently) And if you take one from three hundred and sixtyfive,
what remains?
Alice: Three hundred and sixty-four, of course.
Humpty Dumpty: (Importantly) I'd rather see that done on paper.
(Alice writes out the sum for him. The sum is projected onto a screen.)
(Humpty Dumpty and Alice look a the sum on the screen.)
Humpty Dumpty: That seems to be done right.
Alice: You're holding it upside down!
Humpty Dumpty: (Gaily) Ha! To be sure I was! I thought it looked a little queer.
(They look again at the screen with the sum projected right way up.)
Humpty Dumpty: (Loftily) That seems to be done right - (assured) though I
haven't the time to look it over thoroughly just now.
(Hushed) In winter, when the fields are white,
I sing this song for your delight -
(Matter-of-fact) only I don't sing it.
(Hushed) I took a kettle large and new;
Fit for the deed I had to do.
My heart went hop, my heart went thump:
I filled the kettle at the pump.
Then someone came to me and said
'The little fishes are in bed.'
I said to him, I said it plain,
'Then you must wake them up again!'
I said it very loud and clear:
I went and shouted in his ear
.
But he was very stiff and proud:
He said 'You needn't shout so loud!'
And he was very proud and stiff.
He said 'I'd go and wake them, if - '
I took a corkscrew from the shelf:
I went and pushed and kicked and knocked.
And when I found the door was shut,
I tried to turn the handle, but
All: (Delirious) My heart went hop, my heart went thump:
I filled the kettle at the pump.
Then someone came to me and said
'The little fishes are in bed.'
I said to him, I said it plain,
'Then you must wake them up again!'
I said it very loud and clear:
I went and shouted in his ear.
But he was very stiff and proud:
He said 'You needn't shout so loud!'
And he was very proud and stiff.
He said 'I'd go and wake them, if - '
I took a corkscrew from the shelf:
I went and pushed and kicked and knocked.
And when I found the door was shut,
I tried to turn the handle, but
(pause)
Alice: (Curious) Is that all?
Humpty Dumpty: (Sings privately to himself, as if trying out the question.) Is it
all? That is all? It is all. That is all.
(public, cold, brisk) That's all. Goodbye.
Alice: (Friendly) Goodbye, till we meet again.
Humpty Dumpy: (Disdainfully) I shouldn't know you (sneering) again if we did
meet, (gives her one of his fingers to shake): you're so, exactly
like other people.
(A heavy crash shakes the forest from end to end. Soldiers come running in through the wood, at first in twos and threes, and then at last in such crowds that they seemed to fill the whole forest.
Alice goes behind a tree for fear of being run over, and watches them go by.
They trip over something or other, and whenever one goes down, several more fall over him, so that the ground is soon covered with heaps of men.
Then come the horses. Having four feet, these manage better than the foot-soldiers; but even they stumble now and then, and whenever a horse stumbles, the rider falls off instantly.
The confusion gets worse every moment, and Alice escapes the wood into an open place where she finds the White King seated on the ground writing in his memorandum book.)
The White King: (Delightedly) I've sent them all! Did you happen to meet any
soldiers, my dear, as you came through the wood?
Alice: Yes, several thousand.
The White King: (Joy) Four thousand two hundred and seven, that's the
exact number. I couldn't send all the horses, because two
of them are wanted in the game. And I haven't sent two
messengers, either. They've both gone to the town. Just
look along the road, and tell me if you see either of them.
Alice: I see nobody.
The White King: I wish I had such eyes! To be able to see Nobody! And at
that distance too! It's as much as I can do to see real
people!
Alice: I see somebody now! But he's coming very slowly - and
what curious attitudes he goes into!
(The messenger keeps skipping up and down, and wriggling like an eel, as he comesalong, with his great hands spread out like fans on each side.)
The White King: Not at all. He's an Anglo-Saxon - and those are Anglo-
Saxon attitudes.
(To the messenger) Who did you pass on the road?
Messenger: Nobody.
The White King: Quite right. This young lady saw him too! So of course
Nobody walks slower than you.
(The Messenger exits. Alice and the White King walk along in silence.
The White King: Ten minutes for refreshments! (Trays of white and brown
bread are handed around.)
Alice: (Shouts) Look! Look! There's the White Queen -
running across the country!
The White Queen Running Across The Country
Alice She came flying out of the woods!
The White Queen Flying out of the Woods
Chorus: Ah! Ah!
Alice: How fast these Queens can run!
The White Queen Running Fast
Chorus: Ah! Ah!
(Enter a Knight in crimson armour.)
Red Knight: Ahoy! Ahoy! Check! (Gallops down upon her brandishing a
great club. The horse stops suddenly.) (to Alice) You're my
prisoner! (He falls off his horse. He gets back up.)
You're my -
(A White Knight gallops in)
White Knight: Ahoy! Ahoy! Check! (He draws up at Alice's side and falls
off his horse just as the Red Knight had done. He gets on
again and the two Knights sit and look at each other for
some time without speaking.)
Red Knight: (Courteous) She's my prisoner, you know (pause)
White Knight: (Suave) Yes, but then I came and aam rescued her.
Red Knight: (Quietly) Well, we must fight for her, then.
(The Red Knight puts on his helmet - something the shape of a horse's head.)
White Knight: (Polite) You will observe the Rules of Battle of course?
(Puts on his helmet.)
Red Knight: I always do.
(They bang away at each other with fury. When one Knight hits the other , he knockedhim off his horse; and if he missed, he fell off himself.
They hold their clubs with their arms, as if they were Punch and Judy. They always falloff with a great noise, like a whole set of fire-irons falling into the fender.
The horses are quiet letting them get on and off as if they were tables. They always fall on their heads; and the battle ended with their both falling off in this way, side by side.
When they got up again, they shook hands, and then the Red Knight mounted and galloped off.)
White Knight: I'll see you safe to the end of the wood - and then I must go
back, you know. That's the end of my move.
(Violent) I hunt! I hunt!
For haddock's eyes
Among the heather bright,
and work them (Raving) ha ha ha ha into waistcoat-buttons
in the silent night.
I weep! (Shrieking) Ha! Ha! Ha!
For it reminds me so
of that old man I used to know
Whose look was mild, whose speech was slow,
Whose hair was whiter than the snow,
Ha! Ha! Ha!
Whose face was very like a crow,
(burning) With eyes like cinders all aglow,
Who seemed distracted in his woe,
who rocked his body to and fro
and muttered mumblingly and low,
as if his mouth was full of dough,
Who snorted like a buffalo -
That summer evening long ago.
(As the Knight sings the last words of the ballad, he gathers up the reins, and turns hishorse's head along the road by which they had come.)
White Knight: (to Alice) You've only a few yards to go.
Down the hill and over that brook, and then you'll be a
queen!
(Alice turns with an eager look in the direction to which he pointed).
White Knight: But you'll stay and see me off first?
I shan't be long You'll wait and wave
(Clamour of bells)
White Knight: When I get to that turn in the road! I think it'll encourage
me, you see.
Alice: Of course I'll wait. And thank you very much for coming so
far - and thank you for the song - I liked it very much!
White Knight: (Savage, cry out!) I hope so, but you didn't cry so much as
I thought you would.
(Alice watches the horse walking leisurely along the road, and the Knight tumbling off, first on one side, and then on the other.)
Chorus (Men) (Wild) Without the frost, the blinding snow,
The storm-wind's moody madness -
Within, the firelight's ruddy glow,
And childhood's nest of gladness.
The magic words shall hold thee fast:
Thou shalt not heed the raving blast!
(After the fourth or fifth tumble the Knight reaches the turn and then she waves to him,and waits till he's out of sight.
A very few steps brought her to the edge of the brook.)
Alice: The Eighth Square at last!
(She bounds across and throws herself on the ground and a crown is suddenly on her head.)
Alice: If -
(The Red Queen and the White Queen are sitting close to her.)
The Red Queen: (Severe) Speak when you're spoken to!
Alice: (Protesting) I only said 'If' -
The Red Queen: (Mocking) She says she only said 'if' -
The White Queen: But she said a great deal more than that! Oh, ever so
much more than that!
The Red Queen: A nasty vicious temper.
What's the French for fiddle-de-dee?
All: Italie! Italie!
The White Queen: (Inquisition) Can you do addition? What's one and one and
one and one and one and one and one and one and one and
one and one and one and one and one and one!
Alice: (Panic) Ah!
The Red Queen: She can't do addition. (Brutal) Can you do subtraction? Take nine from eight.
Alice: Ah!
The White Queen: She can't do subtraction. Can you do division? Divide a
loaf by a knife - what's the answer to that?
Alice: Ah!
Red and White Queens: Bread-and-butter!
The Red Queen: (Roar) Fan her head!
(The Red and White Queens blow Alice’s hair around.)
The Red Queen: What is the cause of lightning?
A Roaring is Heard
Alice: The cause of lightning is the thunder - no! No! I meant the
other way!
The Red Queen: It's too late to correct it, too late! too late!
(Alice strangles and kills The Red Queen.)
Alice: Down! Down!
Chorus (Men) (Wild) Without the frost, the blinding snow,
The storm-wind's moody madness -
Within, the firelight's ruddy glow,
And childhood's nest of gladness.
The magic words shall hold thee fast:
Thou shalt not heed the raving blast!
Still she haunts me, phantom-wise,
Alice moving under skies
Never seen by waking eyes.