BACKGROUND

“Grace Church is not a group of people who all believe exactly the same things about the Bible or its teachings. In fact, we believe that how we choose to explore areas of disagreement is more important than having all the right answers. We believe that relational and loving challenges to our concepts of God, man, and the world around us generate thought, growth, and ultimately a closer walk with the Lord.”^[1]

We serve an amazing God whom we consistently strive to better understand. God relates differently to each one of us, and yet, He is still the one true God. (1 John 1:3)  As the excerpt above indicates, eventually we may interpret the Bible or various life situations differently than others. This conversation may include a fellow partner of Grace Church or anyone with whom you interact about a difficult situation. 

The purpose of this document is to provide Grace Church partners with suggestions on how to have Rich or tough conversations of any kind in a God-honoring manner.  (Phil 2:3)

The guide is broken down into 4 parts:

1. Guiding Principles for Rich Conversations
2. What to do before a Rich Conversation
3. What to do during a Rich Conversation
4. What to do after a Rich Conversation

This document is our best effort to support healthy conversations, but we know it will be better if you offer improvements. Please direct any improvement ideas to anyone on the Grace Elder Team.

In addition, if you have any questions about the approach or scriptural references, please direct these questions to the Grace Elder team as well.

GUIDING PRINCIPLES FOR RICH CONVERSATIONS

We believe:

• God cares about our relationship with Himself and one another more than he cares about who is right about any specific topic.  (2 Chron 30:18-19; 1 Sam 16:7)
• We cannot control the feelings of another person, but we can assess our own heart and check for pure, Godly intentions.  (Col 3:12-15)
• God should be invited into every conversation and situation through a humble submission of the situation and the conversation to him.  (Phil 2:3; James 4:8)
• The goal is relationship and understanding one another, not winning the conversation

In every Rich conversation there is a what and a how. The what is the topic being discussed and the how is how we approach the conversation (Col 3:23). How we treat one another, how we talk to one another, how we respect one another during the conversation. (Luke 6:31; Rom 12:10)  The following guidelines should help you carry out the “hows” in a tough conversation:

1. There is truth, and we can know it. The Bible is true, and we are seeking to know God’s perspective more fully. We should lean heavily on Scripture to prepare our hearts for loving conversation. (John 14:6; 2 Tim 2:15)
2. I communicate by:

• Focusing on issues, situations and tasks (Col 3:17)
• Being specific
• Tailoring my communication to the situation

3. I work towards understanding, acceptance and support by: (Phil 2:3-5)

• Listening, listening, listening  (James 1:19-20)
• Validating the other person’s feeling - not telling them how they should feel
• Checking out facts and feelings - not making assumptions
• Closing the loop on one idea before going on

4. I speak for myself, and express my perspective versus defining the way it is for everyone:  (Matt 5:37)

• What I see, feel, know or believe
• How what is happening affects me
• What I want from others (Luke 6:31)
• What it means to me
• What I hope for as a result of the conversation

5. I commit to listen without judgment and envision honoring God and mutual understanding for each conversation.  (Matt 7:1-5)

BEFORE YOU HAVE A CONVERSATION - The Heart Check

1. Pray - Ask the Lord for his help in relating to another person in a way which will glorify the Lord and bring both of you closer to the Lord. Pray for the concerns and needs of the other person. Ask the Holy Spirit to help guide the conversation and fill the thoughts of each person. (Prov 15:18, 16:28, Mt 5:23-24; Heb 12:14)

2. Consider the Setting

• Is this the time and place for this conversation?
• Have you taken enough time to prepare for a God-honoring approach?

• If not, pick a time and place that is conducive to the best conversation possible.

3. Ask yourself…

• Am I purposefully showing the Love of God? (Gal 5:22-23)
• Do I have a desire to listen or am I more interested in telling? (Jas 1:19)
• Can I, or will I relate to the other person’s point of view in a real way? (Col 4:6)
• Would an outside or third party be helpful? (Mat 18:15 -17)
• Am I trying to become more like Christ or am I more interested in proving the other person wrong? (Jas 4:10)

4. Determine the heart of all parties involved. (Luke 11:37-54)

• If the intent is not mutual growth and new shared understanding, the conversation should instead focus on the core motivations or heart condition of each person and not the original topic (a test, a trap, a particular belief, etc.).
• Consider asking the person to communicate what they are hoping for from the conversation prior to the meeting via phone, email or text.
  (Note: don’t have the conversation via phone, email or text, just ask for clarification on the definition of success for the person to feel heard)
• There will be times when conversation and mutual growth is clearly not a person’s goal or even an option. It is advisable and scriptural to avoid this type of discussion and consider the involvement of an unbiased third party.

5. Consider the weight of the conversation. Most topics can be simply classified as “Essential to Salvation” or “Non-essential to Salvation”

• For topics concerning Salvation Essentials, we suggest referencing the “What We Believe” section of the Grace Church website to review key scripture relating to essentials
• For Non-essential topics, we encourage an open heart and a willingness to learn about the passions and interests of the other person. This document should have value for conversations of all types and conditions.

DURING A CONVERSATION

1. If possible, begin by praying together - ask the Lord to bring His peace and unity into all of your dialogue. (Mark 11:22-25; Rom 8:26; Jas 5:13)
2. Verbalize your intent

• Speak out loud your desire to grow in relationship with the other person.

• This will impact your heart and the heart of the other person more than you may think. (Jas 3:1-12)

3. Check your emotions and body language^[2] (Prov 15:1)

• You may be sending unintended messages. To reduce the chances of unintended messages…

• Pay attention to your breathing. This helps your mind and body relax. When you are relaxed, you have more space to process thoughts, reflect and allow the Holy Spirit room to work in the conversation.
• Check your facial expression. Work to establish a neutral approach to the conversation.
• Assume positive intent.
• Actively listen

• Repeat and clarify what the other person is saying (without contradicting)
• Don’t interrupt
• Honestly ask yourself if you are respecting what is being said or just waiting to correct the other person or justify yourself

4. Some things to try if you feel stuck:

• Ask clarifying questions, with a true intent to understand (Phil 2:3, Rom 12:10, Eph 4:2). Some examples are:

• “This is what I hear you saying. Am I hearing you right?”
• “I don’t understand this part of what you said. Can you clarify for me?”
• “I am sensing [insert emotion] from you in this conversation. Is this off base?”

• Switch perspectives

• Present the point of view of the other person, and vice-versa. This may help you to see some of the underpinnings of a perspective you are struggling to respect.

• Consider bringing another party into the conversation (Mat 18:15-16)

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AFTER THE CONVERSATION

1. Spend time in prayer with the Lord (Gal 5:22-23; Jas 4:8; 1 Thess 5:17; Phil 4:6)

• Reflect with the Holy Spirit whether or not what was shared in the conversation should result in a new understanding of the truth of scripture
• Ask the Lord for a heart filled with the fruit of the Holy Spirit

2. Set a time to care for yourself: (Eph 4:21-27; Prov 11:2; Isa 41:10; Matt 11:28-30)

Having a deep and difficult conversation can leave you feeling drained, both physically and emotionally. This is normal and it is okay if you feel that way.

• Make time to reflect on how the conversation went.
• Identify what was and wasn’t helpful to say or do for future conversations.
• Try not to be overly critical of yourself and/or the ones you’ve had difficult conversations with. This might be the first time either party has heard about certain concepts and you never fully know what is going on in the other individual's life.
• Acknowledge your efforts and treat any mishaps as a learning opportunity.
• Regardless of how the conversation went, take the necessary time to inventory how you’re truly doing. This should be a common practice, like washing your hands! Remember, resting in the Lord is never wasted time.

3. Consider Debriefing with your mentor or Grace Church support (Prov 11:14; 12:15; 17:17) 

• Debrief with someone you trust. This person can help offload and deal with emotions, thoughts and memories that can surface with difficult conversations. This person can also help you to reflect on the talk as a whole, and discuss what went well and what didn’t and make a plan for how to follow up with the other person together (if a third party is needed).

4. Make time to check in and follow-up with the other person to express gratitude and continue the conversation (if needed) (Rom 13:8-10; Phil 2:3-5; Eph 4:31-32)

Difficult conversations can involve hard-to-process information, following up at a later time (we suggest no longer than 1-week) can give each side time to digest what has been said, yet still indicates a care for the other person.

• Check-in emotionally with yourself and the individual you’ve had a hard conversation with.
• Keep the check-in relationally focused. Make a point to focus on the emotional health of each party as a priority, but don’t ignore the prior conversation.

• If a follow up to the original conversation is needed, consider making a plan for this to happen after the relationship has been prioritized.

• Some ideas for follow up:

• If the issue was unresolved, suggest you use the phone or have an in-person follow up. Electronic communication can be easily misinterpreted.
• If the issue seems resolved or there is peace, a follow up text, phone call or email can help emphasize your thankfulness for the person being brave enough to enter into the conversation.

5. A couple reminders and encouragements (Col 3:1-12; Prov 16:32; 2 Cor 12:9-10)

• Regardless of whether the conversation goes north or south, remind yourself of this: your experiences and challenges in ministry/life and the emotions that arise during hard conversations are valid. The way we express these emotions is often the cause of problems.
• We are all human and part of being human is experiencing feelings and emotions. It is okay to experience the feelings that arise after these conversations, regardless of whether it’s positive or negative. It’s okay to ‘feel our feelings’ rather than trying to suppress them.
• It’s okay to be vulnerable. Contrary to popular belief, being vulnerable does not make you weak, it’s actually a very courageous thing.  
• It’s okay to express our emotions in healthy ways.
• Be mindful of the post conversation thoughts that may run through your mind as “Self-talk”. Are these thoughts true? Are these thoughts realistic? Are these thoughts helpful? Becoming aware of hurtful thoughts is an important step towards replacing them with more meaningful and helpful thoughts. (Col 3:2; 2 Cor. 10:5) If absolute statements are part of your self-talk, you are likely deceiving yourself ex. Things like “...always…”, “...never…”, etc.

Self-talk examples

                        Unhealthy examples:

• “I can’t do anything right. I shouldn’t even try.”
• “I’m so dumb.”
• “I always make a mess of things.”
• “Nobody likes me. I’m going to stop trying to make friends.”

                        Healthy examples:

• This conversation may have gone badly but that does not mean I am a failure.  
• This conversation may have gone poorly but I am not going to forget that God is at work in the midst of it all.  
• It’s okay for me to be experiencing these feelings. I am human and feelings are part of being human.  
• It’s okay for me to express my feelings in a kind and loving way. This does not mean I’m weak or less than human.