COUNTER/Weight 31: Expertize with a Z  (transcribed by Kay @sokratesnikon)

AUSTIN: [narration, over music - “The Long Way Around”] On its first night, students and workers from Mode City pulsed through the Bacchus Biotech Recreational District like hungry blood cells, finally able to devour the nutrients and proteins they’d only seen in the neurovids. Above them, the so-called Pleasure Dome - suggestive, energetic pink - blasted out imported vibrancy. This was the trade Sinner Twelt had made. His opponents said that he’d sold the planet out, his mentors called him arrogant, his workers doubted that their young leader had their interests at heart, but he did. And he silenced his own doubt with the fact that the people of Service-2 had dug themselves out from under a Divine once. A couple of civilians from the Diaspora with good connections were nothing in comparison, and they brought opportunity. Their world will not be the provincial joke it was when he was born on it. It would have culture, it would have a reputation. There would be a way forward.

And so Sinner Twelt bought his opponents, disavowed his mentors and silenced the workers who dared speak out. He took the bastardized name the outsiders used for him, but in exchange he found a new name for the planet. It couldn’t be Service-2 anymore. Instead -  September. And he felt relieved when the outsider took it as her name too, and relieved further when the contracts came, and the shopping centers and the new streets and the university. But now, in the light of that gaudy dome, he realised he should’ve asked for more.

[music end]

AUSTIN: So what are you doing, exactly?

KEITH: Okay, so, if I’m, if I’ve understood the plan correctly, I’m supposed to go upstairs to the woman watching the view, this is the thing that Ali said.

[ALI laughing]

AUSTIN: Yes.

KEITH: And while I’m distracting her with my lies about being a work-study repairman —

AUSTIN: [amused] Uh-huh?

KEITH: — They sneak out through the front door and then walk back in to the front door.

JACK: [laughing] No, I’ve got —

ALI: No, no —

AUSTIN: No one’s walking back in.

JACK: What if— no no no.

KEITH: Okay, I thought you guys were gonna come in.

JACK: Actually why don’t we just— Mako, can’t you just convince her to give us all credentials? [long pause] Maybe this is just the place where we get credentials.

AUSTIN: You’re ge— [disbelieving] what?!

[ALI laughing]

AUSTIN: [faux-seriously] Jack.

JACK: [in the same tone] … Austin.

KEITH: [laughing] Okay, new plan: I go up in the basement —

AUSTIN: Jack, this is— you’re— waitwaitwait I just want to run this by, like, in general. That’s like saying like you’re in— you— you land in your spaceship in New Jersey, and you took a br— you took an underground tunnel into New York into a building and then, ‘Well maybe this is the place where we get— where we get credentials to go into NYU’.

[JACK and ALI laugh]

AUSTIN: ‘This is like an abandoned warehouse, this could be an NYU place.’

[pause where ALI laughs]

AUSTIN: ‘….We’ll just ask her to give us NYU credentials.’

[ALI keeps laughing]

KEITH: So. Just retake the plan. Go upstairs to the one with the view. You guys run outside, I say ‘Hi, I’m with the work study program.’ You guys walk in. ‘These are my friends. Can you give them credentials?’

JACK: No, no-

ART: No, no, no, stop the plan like three sentences earlier than that.

[KEITH, ALI and JACK laughing]

JACK: [trying not to laugh] Okay so, just so I’m clear, are we re-entering the building or...?

ART: No.

ALI: [laughing] No!

KEITH: [laughing] No, nonono.

ART: That’s a one way trip out of this building.

JACK: We’re just standing outside?

KEITH: Not unless you want credentials and then come back in.

JACK: No! This lady is not the credentials lady.

ALI: Is the Liberty and Discovery system still active in this building?

AUSTIN: Yes.

ALI (as Aria): AuDy, can you set like a fire alarm?

JACK (as AuDy): Absolutely, one hundred percent.

ALI (as Aria): Let’s do that.

JACK: Can I— can I set a fire alarm?

AUSTIN: Yeah. Totally.

JACK: Can I set a fire alarm— Wait, hang on, I— Oh, is this one of these fire alarms that’s gonna call the fire department?

AUSTIN: No, AuDy… Or it can be, there’s one that’s like ‘fire alarm: real’, ‘fire alarm… drill’ —

JACK: Oh, because it’s a rebellion system.

AUSTIN: — And fire alarm, like, there’s just that, uh, just like, what would they call it —

KEITH: Double fire alarm emergency.

AUSTIN: Double fire alarm. Yes. You know, panic button. Fire alarm and then in parentheses like ‘panic’.

JACK (as AuDy): I mean, I can set off a fake fire alarm.

ALI (as Aria): Yeah.

KEITH (as Mako): [overlapping Aria] A drill?

JACK (as AuDy): Do you wanna do that now, Mako, or do you wanna do that halfway through while you’re talking?

ALI (as Aria): No, no, this is, this is-

AUSTIN: Wait, do you mean a drill or a panic button?

ALI (as Aria): This is replacing talking to her. If we just set the fire alarm she’ll just leave.

ART (as Cass): Wait.

JACK (as AuDy): I can just set one that just sounds like a fire alarm but doesn’t call the fire department.

KEITH (as Mako): Yeah, the drill. That’s the drill one.

JACK (as AuDy): Yeah.

ART (as Cass): But she might have-

JACK (as AuDy): I can do that.

ART (as Cass): Okay.

AUSTIN: What were you gonna say, Cass?

JACK: [overlapping] But was she a receptionist-

KEITH: We can do a full panic button and draw all of the resources away from the school.

ART (as Cass): Sometimes there, there’re people who are assigned to be the last person out in the event of a fire, and, sometimes those people are the receptionists. But I guess if she goes does like a sweep of the building we can run out then. Okay, it’s fine.

ALI: Yeah.

KEITH (as Mako): I think we should just walk out and when she sees people walking out of the building during a fire alarm, she won’t think anything of it.

ALI: We might be the only people in this building.

ART: Also we’re coming up from a tunnel underneath her.

JACK: [overlapping KEITH] Okay I’m just —

KEITH: [overlapping JACK, inaudible] ...talk to her.

AUSTIN: So you walk —

JACK: Consensus —

KEITH: [inaudible]

AUSTIN: So Mako is walking out of the door.

JACK: Okay, fine, right, let’s just —

KEITH (as Mako): Well, hi there!

AUSTIN (as receptionist): … Hi.

KEITH (as Mako): You have any water?

AUSTIN: She pops her gum and crosses her legs. She has like, rosy skin, and nice purple, like, round glasses. The glasses are also VR goggles and you like see Joy Behar on the insides and they turn transparent so you see her eyes, which are also purple.

KEITH: Jane Austen doesn’t survive but Joy Behar does.

AUSTIN: It’s a very strange world we live in. She’s wearing like a skirt-suit - a skirt and like a suit jacket, that is like... I think it’s like a nice muted, uh, khaki.

KEITH: Okay, you mean it’s not like an mp3 khaki, like other people’s [inaudible]

AUSTIN: Right, not mp3, it’s muted, not playing any music. And she pops her gum and gives you just like, a death glare.

AUSTIN (as receptionist): [sounding bored] Who are you?

KEITH (as Mako): Uhhh, maintenance work study. Just looking for uh — Do you guys have any of those water coolers with the little, like, the conic, uhhh, little water cups?

AUSTIN: Give me a fast talk.

JACK: Can we hear him through the door?

AUSTIN: Oh yeah.

JACK: Okay.

[pause]

ALI: That’s a success.

AUSTIN: Rolled an 8… What’s an 8 do… on fast talk…?

KEITH: Success, nothing— nothing bad happens.

AUSTIN: [laughing slightly] Oh is that what it says? It says nothing bad happens? Uh, ‘NPCs do it but someone will find out. The MC will advance the appropriate countdown clock.’ Okay. She looks at you and says,

AUSTIN (as receptionist): You’re not supposed to be here, honey. What’re you doin’?

KEITH (as Mako): Uh, school sent me, school sent me to check the readings in the basement.

AUSTIN (as receptionist): No, don’t— don’t— you kids come in here all the time. You try to, you think, ‘Oh it’s one— it’s a weird building, nothing in it, I’ll come in and impress my friends.’ Get outta here, I’ll file a report.

KEITH (as Mako): Okay...Can I get my friends too?

AUSTIN (as receptionist): You brought people in here?

KEITH (as Mako): Well, you said, you know, bring them in, impress your friends, I was tryna show them those old computers? ...They’d never seen old computers.

AUSTIN (as receptionist): [sighs] Fine, go get your friends, I’ll-

KEITH (as Mako): [calling back] Hey guys, she said we can leave and we’re not in trouble!

AUSTIN: [sighs] I’m gonna advance a clock…

[muffled laughing from ALI]

AUSTIN: One of these alert buttons [inaudible]

ART: Wait, that’s good. It means it’s not, it’s not exclamation points.

AUSTIN: It’s not exclamation points.

KEITH: No, it’s, [stupid voice] “huh?!?!”

AUSTIN: It’s another, different threat.

JACK: Oh, it’s one of these, these question mark ones.

AUSTIN: Mmhmm.

JACK: Yep.

AUSTIN: Well, do you all come out?

ALI: … Yeah?

JACK: [laughs] I guess?

ALI: So a pop star, a robot, and like … a forty year old—

AUSTIN: And Apostolosian royalty, yeah. Uh-huh!

ART: What is this, a joke?

[AUSTIN laughing]

AUSTIN: Yeah, come out to a woman who is like, deep in pop culture, yes, this is all happening right now.

KEITH (as Mako): Alright guys, time to go back to class!

AUSTIN (as receptionist): Excuse me.

[pause]

KEITH (as Mako): Hi.

AUSTIN (as receptionist): Are you Aria Joie?

ALI (as Aria): No.

AUSTIN (as receptionist): That was fast. She said that fast, it’s her.

ALI (as Aria): No, no, I just - I’m a really big fan so I dyed my hair this way...

AUSTIN (as receptionist): Hmm, I don’t know…

AUSTIN: Give me a fast talk.

KEITH: She burned her face off in a weird fire, got reconstructive surgery—

AUSTIN: Oh my god.

KEITH: — anyway we have to go back to class.

AUSTIN: Give me a fast talk.

[pause]

KEITH: God damn it.

AUSTIN: If it was just you, you could have gotten out, Mako.

[ALI laughing]

ART: Why didn’t we do that other plan?

ALI: [laughing] I don’t know!

KEITH: 8 again…

AUSTIN: No, not you, no, just— just Aria, I was saying —

KEITH: Oh, okay, I thought it was fast talk for me for saying that she got her face chopped off and had reconstructive surgery.

[ART and ALI laughing]

AUSTIN: [disbelieving and amused] No…! No, you didn’t say that. If you said that I would be advancing a clock.

KEITH: Oh, okay. [starts laughing]

JACK: Don’t say that, no, no, Keith…! Oh, actually does Keith get XP for this?

KEITH: [still laughing] That’s a totally reasonable thing to happen in space!

AUSTIN: No. Uhh...

JACK: He- His smartarse mouth got us into trouble.

AUSTIN: Yeah, mark XP.

KEITH: [weakly] Okay…

AUSTIN: Um.

JACK: Hey! A clock just went up anyway!

AUSTIN: Yeah, she rolled an 8.

[JACK makes a distressed but resigned noise]

AUSTIN (as receptionist): Oh… Okay, big fan. What’s with the robot?

AUSTIN: Pops her gum.

KEITH (as Mako): Uh, chores robot.

AUSTIN (as receptionist): What’d you say?

KEITH (as Mako): Chores robot?

AUSTIN (as receptionist): You got one of those —

KEITH (as Mako): We made him in school to do chores for us.

AUSTIN (as receptionist): I see. You be careful out there.

KEITH (as Mako): [simultaneously] Thanks!

AUSTIN (as receptionist): [simultaneously] Leave.

KEITH (as Mako): Oh, yeah, bye.

AUSTIN: You can hear her turn her glasses back on when you leave—

KEITH: It’s just Whoopi Goldberg laughing.

AUSTIN: It’s Whoopi Goldberg laughing — but— ha— AuDy, on the— on the— one of the camera views from the Liberty and Discovery system, you see on the outside it looks like it’s Whoopi Goldberg laughing and on the inside it’s— it’s a couple of dudes in helmets. Or, not dudes, it’s a couple of people, in like military helmets who are like, nodding to something she’s saying.

JACK: Ah. Can I— I’m telling everybody that.

AUSTIN: Sure.

JACK: But like, but like whispering.

AUSTIN: Yeah, you’re out of the building now.

ALI: I’m sure it’s fine.

JACK: Really? We just— are we just— are we just done with this building? We’re not— We shouldn’t go back in there, right.

ALI: No.

ART: No.

JACK: Okay.

AUSTIN: What are you doing?

JACK: Mako, where are we— Mako where are we going to get credentials?

KEITH: Ummm, there’s another option —

JACK: [overlapping KEITH] Also I reject ‘chores robot’.

KEITH: [inaudible overlapping JACK] see if that receptionist can help.

JACK: No...

AUSTIN: That receptionist cannot help.

KEITH: [laughing] I… I think what’s gonna have to happen is that we’re gonna have to go to the September Institute and I’m going to have to get into… their system.

AUSTIN: Uh, I’ll mark the building that used to be like the office of student affairs.

KEITH: Unless I can do a research roll…

AUSTIN: Uh, about what?

KEITH: Somebody who can —

AUSTIN: Anybody who can -

KEITH: — sell us credentials.

AUSTIN:  Oh sure, that wouldn’t even be a research roll that would be like, ‘declare a contact’ and then ‘hit the streets’.

KEITH: Okay, um.

JACK: Do we have the money for that? We can do a favour if needs be, actually.

KEITH (as Mako): Okay, listen, you guys, I have this contact, his name’s Lazer Ted.

AUSTIN: Uh-huh, Lazer Ted.

KEITH (as Mako): Lazer Ted can get anybody into anywhere.

ART (as Cass):  Why’s he called Lazer Ted?

KEITH (as Mako): Because he plays a lot of video games.

AUSTIN: [sighs] God.

KEITH: I know, it’s really annoying.

JACK: Where is Lazer Ted based?

AUSTIN: The Bacchus Biotech Recreational District.

ART: Oh my god, that name.

AUSTIN: Uh-huh.

JACK: It’s so good. Um… Yeah, let’s… Uh, yeah, let’s… I mean, hang on, wait a second, do we all need to be present? ...Yeah, Art in the chat points out we should have assessed —

AUSTIN: Yes.

JACK: — in the, in the um, the weird building.

AUSTIN: For those listening at home, before this game started, I sent a set of messages around. I said, uh, where is it, here. ‘Some preliminary tips slash reminders for tonight: one, use your cyberware. Two, use the ‘declare a contact’ and ‘hit the streets’ moves. Three, use the ‘assess’ move even in combat and high pressure situations.’

JACK: The other message was, ‘Haha, you’re all dead, I’m going to kill you. You’re all dead.’

[ALI laughing]

AUSTIN: Yep, that was it.

JACK: ‘It’s the end for you!’ And then we started playing. Do we —

KEITH: To be fair, I did try the whole ‘assess’ thing and it kinda blew up in my face.

AUSTIN: Sure.

JACK: Do we need to be present in order to get credentials? Like, we’ve got this plan of like, of split up —

AUSTIN: [drawn out] Yes… Like—

JACK: — after we’ve got credentials but we all need to be there right?

AUSTIN: Um…

JACK: We can’t just do this wirelessly?

KEITH: Well, he’s gotta take a picture of you. So that we can source the-

ALI: Yeah...fingerprint. [inaudible]

AUSTIN: Yeah, he needs like a bioprint of you or whatever.

JACK: Sure, okay should we just head for the Bacchus Biotech Recreational District then?

AUSTIN: Yeah, sure. So it’s getting a little bit later, it’s like sunset time here, and the rain is like coming down heavier and heavier as you move through the streets. You’re underneath these giant high rises that are built literally on top of old Apostolosian foundations that have been reinforced with like really powerful metal. So it's this really weird vision of like, the, the bottom six floors or five floors are this really nice sandstone, and then, in this district anyway, on top of that is this, like, sleek heavy metal that just goes up, y’know, dozens and dozens of floors into the air. You kind of, there are a couple ways to do it, I think Mako probably does it the fun way because you know, he used to live here, and that’s just like, you start cutting through the alleys of the rises away from the higher places towards the Bacchus Biotech Recreational District. The BBRD obviously.

As you like, come through this one alley into the main street you just see the giant glowing purple dome in the middle of that district, that is just like, is being pounded by this rain. But you can also see the silhouettes of people inside moving. And he’s like cutting you through the alleys and eventually takes you into this whole like, little area. It’s like, it’s really fascinating. I think Aria, you immediately kinda feel at home here, in that it has that same like, hyper constructed feeling that JoyPark did? It feels like it wants to feel dangerous but really it’s a mall. This whole area is like an outdoor mall, with this big dome in the middle that is like the size of a really big mall but like, there’s a dance club, and there are places that are like, ‘Yeah man, I got the good stuff.’ and then it’s like ‘Oh yeah what you got?’ it’s like ‘I got Budweiser!’ and like ‘Oh… yeah you got Budweiser?’

[KEITH, ALI and JACK laughing a bit]

AUSTIN: Like ‘Yeah! I got it special!’ like ‘Oh… yeah? Okay? Like how much?’ ‘6.99, like that’s expensive!’. And so it’s like very clearly aimed at taking advantage of college students who wanna feel cool. But Lazer Ted lives in the big purple, the Bacchus dome. He doesn’t live there but he works there, he hangs out there in like what is effectively the food court.

[KEITH laughs]

AUSTIN: So like Mako, you lead them through this place, like parts of this place are a big dance club and there’s just like laser lights going all over the place as people dance in the middle of- late afternoon and other parts —

KEITH: I also —

AUSTIN: — are like Constellation Cafes. And then yeah.

KEITH: Just, real quick, I’ve been gone for a few years —

AUSTIN: Yes.

KEITH: — and I just wanna make it clear that Lazer Ted is the type of person —

AUSTIN: Yes!

KEITH: — that I know is still in the food court.

AUSTIN: There’s one difference. He used to work at Guitar Center, now he works at Sam Goody.

[ALI and JACK laughing]

KEITH: [laughing] Oh god, he went down.

AUSTIN: Yeah… Things got rough at that —

ART: Sam Goody [inaudible]

JACK: Does Guitar Center still exist?

AUSTIN: Sam Goody came back. Sam Goody made it like - they were gone for like three thousand years and then they came back and they’ve been going strong ever since.

ART: Like Hydra.

[ALI laughing]

KEITH: It’s like the idea that —

AUSTIN: Yes.

KEITH: — as time moves forward, the things that we can reproduce gets bigger. Like right now we can’t go too far back in terms of like, throwback products.

AUSTIN: Yes. Right like we can’t get like, right now we can’t do like, pilgrim throwback. The buckle hats aren’t gonna be in fashion next year, probably. But like three hundred years from now, fitteds are coming back in style.

KEITH: Yeah.

AUSTIN: Alright.

KEITH: There’s novelty Blockbusters…

AUSTIN: Yes. Yes! Lazer Ted is there and he is played by Riff Raff.

KEITH: [laughing] Oh god.

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): My boy Mako, how you doin’?

ART: Oh my god.

KEITH (as Mako): Hey man, pretty good...

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): I ain’t seen you in a minute.

KEITH (as Mako): Yeah, yeah, it’s been a while, I kind of, uh—

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Like a hot minute.

KEITH (as Mako): — left for a bit. ...Vacation.

JACK: That silence, by the way, is canon.

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Take a seat, who’re your friends?

KEITH (as Mako): They’re— they’re, hey listen—

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Oh, she pretty.

KEITH (as Mako): — they’re prospective students. Listen. Hey. Ted. Shut up—

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): So is he.^[1]

ALI (as Aria): Hey…

KEITH (as Mako): If you don’t shut up, Ted—

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): You know Lazer Ted don’t discriminate. What are you, a fish? What sort of fish are you?

ART (as Cass): Oh my god. I’m—

KEITH (as Mako): [laughing] God, Ted, please! Cool it—

ART: Cass like, takes a lap, he [sic] has to go walk around the food court.

[ALI and AUSTIN laughing]

AUSTIN: People give Cass looks. Cass, like, it’s— Yeah. It’s uncomfortable. Like, this is not— This is like, you know how you— you and I used to talk about, what if we drove down south for a roadtrip, that would be funny and terrifying?

ART: Yeah.

AUSTIN: Yeah.

ART: Mm.

AUSTIN: Not a lot of love —

KEITH: Are you saying the September— September is the south of the universe?

AUSTIN: No… I’m saying that the universe has lots of different souths, and this is one of them.

KEITH: Yeah… This is one of the souths.

AUSTIN: Yeah. Lots of places have a south.

KEITH: Oh, a place where college kids hang out isn’t the coolest place?

AUSTIN: No... It turns out…

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Anyway, what you need?

KEITH (as Mako): Listen— listen Ted. Listen LT. I have —

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Nah, call me Lazer.

KEITH (as Mako): Okay, listen, Lazer —

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Ted.

KEITH (as Mako): Ted.

JACK: Is it with a z, by the way?

AUSTIN: Oh, it literally is, I literally typed it with a z.

KEITH: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

AUSTIN: So yes.

KEITH (as Mako): I’ve got — you know my friends —

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Actually I’m going by Lazy now.

KEITH (as Mako): Lazy? Lazy Ted or just Lazy?

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Either.

KEITH (as Mako): How about Lazy T?

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Lazy T’s all right. Lazed.

KEITH (as Mako): Lazed.

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Laced. — Like, I’m straight laced right now. But with a z, it’s kind of hard to pronounce like that.

JACK: AuDy just leans —

KEITH (as Mako): [laughing] Listen, Laced Ted —

JACK: AuDy just leans over to Aria and goes,

JACK (as AuDy): Everybody here is in tremendous danger.

[ALI, AUSTIN and KEITH laughing]

KEITH (as Mako): Listen, Laced Ted, lil T —

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Not little!

KEITH (as Mako): — we, I got —

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Big Laced Ted.

[ALI, KEITH and JACK laughing]

ALI: That’s my favourite type of chip.

[ART, AUSTIN and KEITH laughing]

KEITH (as Mako): [still laughing and choking slightly] Wavy —

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Oh, you know I’m wavy! You know!

KEITH (as Mako): [struggling through laughter] Wavy, listen, wavy —

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): I thought about being Wavy Ted for a while.

ART: Wavy with a z.

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Wavy with a z.

[ALI, JACK and KEITH laughing]

KEITH: When he started hitting on you guys I was worried that maybe this was a mistake but this is why I hang around Ted, he’s alright.

[AUSTIN laughing]

JACK: [quietly] Oh god…

KEITH (as Mako): [still laughing] Anyway— Bi-Bi-Big LT, I need your expertise.

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Oh, you know I’ve got it. Expertize with a z also. Expertize. ‘Cause I’m a tease, you know.

[KEITH laughing]

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Anyway, you wanna drink? I got some Hi-C.

[ALI laughing]

ART: Expertize with a z would be a pretty good episode title, I’m just throwing that out there right now — [starts laughing]

KEITH (as Mako): Listen I got - Listen.

AUSTIN: Riff Raff is fun to play, by the way.

KEITH: [laughing, weakly] Yeah, yeah…

AUSTIN: He also absolutely is just like a —

KEITH (as Mako): [overlapping AUSTIN] Listen, Bi-Big- Big Lazed Ted, Big LT —

AUSTIN: — white dude with laser dreadlocks, or, not dreadlocks, cornrows. They’re just like, glowy, laser, it’s a- it’s not a good look.

KEITH: [inaudible due to laughter]

JACK: He’s got some amazing terrible glasses on...

AUSTIN: Yes.

KEITH: For a- for a dude that is doing shady stuff —

AUSTIN: He has, he has the same glasses-

KEITH: — there is no way for him to be in the shade —

AUSTIN: No, yes.

KEITH: — with how his hair is.

AUSTIN: He has- he has the same glasses that Amira, who’s the receptionist, had on except on the front are pictures of him doing what he’s doing, like, it’s just video footage of him from your perspective, and you like turn and look behind you, and there’s just a flying drone shooting video of Lazer Ted at all times.

JACK: He’s wearing a t-shirt that says ‘let’s get wild’ and every four seconds the word ‘wild’ changes colour.

ALI: [laughing] Does he have, like, grills?

KEITH: It’s also ‘W’ wild.

AUSTIN: Oh yes, he has grills.

ALI: Grills with like LEDs —

AUSTIN: Yes!

ALI: — that like, have his different catchphrases. [inaudible]

AUSTIN: Yes. When he said ‘you know I’m wavy’ and he smiled it just said ‘wavy’ on the grill.

ART: We should kill this guy. The universe would be better without him in it.

KEITH: [laughing] Listen, you guys, I’ve never- I’ve never- ‘you know I’m wavy’ is a Friends at the Table t-shirt if there’s ever been one.

[ALI and AUSTIN laughing]

JACK: I feel like we should get to the chase here.

KEITH: You know I’m wavy…!

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): So what do you need, Mako?

KEITH (as Mako): I need you to get- listen- I keep laughing so I can’t do this on the sly. I need you to make fake IDs for these guys.

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Oh, you know I can do that.

KEITH (as Mako): I know you can do that, that’s why I brought you —

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): I’m an expert.

KEITH (as Mako): — Your favourite drink, it’s the throwback Hi-C Ectocooler.

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Yeah. Okay.

AUSTIN: Make a roll. This is ‘hit the street’.

KEITH: Alright.

AUSTIN: ‘Hit the street’ says-

KEITH: Oh there we go.

AUSTIN: It is a- it is a style roll. ‘When you go to a contact for help, roll style.’

[pause]

AUSTIN: ‘7-9, you choose two from the list below. You choose either: your request is gonna cost you extra, your request is gonna take some time to put together, your request is going to attract unwanted attention or your contact needs you to help them out with something. If you turn them down, take minus one ongoing to this move until you make it right.’

KEITH: You mean I take minus one on ‘hit the street’?

AUSTIN: Yes. ‘Cause your reputation is scarred. [Lazer Ted voice] ‘Cause Lazy Ted puts your name in the street. Lazy Ted’ll tell people Mako don’t come through on his promises.

KEITH: People don’t respect…Wavy Laze…

AUSTIN: Nope!

KEITH: I guess- I guess that it’ll cost extra.

AUSTIN: You need two, it’s two. It’ll- it’s —

KEITH: Oh, okay, it’ll cost extra and I’ll help, I’ll help him out.

AUSTIN: Okay, it’s gonna cost… Let’s see here. God I should look at how many credits y’all have.

KEITH: It’s gonna cost Ectocooler and a box of Tang?!

AUSTIN: Yes. Both.

[JACK groans]

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): You know normally I could put you up for the family rate, but Imma have to put you up for like, the married-in family rate. Like —

KEITH (as Mako): Sam Goody ain’t treating you good?

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Sam Goody ain’t treatin’ nobody good! Business is down, CDs ain’t sellin anymore! Even my CDs, I make good music! Ugh, anyway —

KEITH (as Mako): By the way, do you have one of your mixes, can I have one of those?

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Yeah, I’ll- I’ll send it to you right now. Just look in my eyes. I got this new thing it lets me send my music through my eyes.

ALI (as Aria): Oh yeah, that’s neat.

AUSTIN: And he like —

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): You should- you ever make any music?

KEITH: [overlapping] This is— Aria like legitimately considering it—

AUSTIN: He look at you and like crosses his arms, Aria.

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): You ever make any music?

ALI (as Aria): [amused] Yeah, sometimes.

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): You got a look. I could see you could do okay.

ALI (as Aria): Thank you, I appreciate that.

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Mm.

KEITH (as Mako): You should take that into consideration. Lazy— Wavy Laze knows— Ted knows what’s up.

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Yeah. T. E. D. You should see my new lecture series.

[ALI, JACK and KEITH laughing]

KEITH: [still laughing] Art’s thing in the chat - Waze-y Laze.

AUSTIN: [laughing] You can get- you can- Art says ‘You can get him as a voice for your GPS but he’s called Waze-y Laze’. Good. Good.

ART: Yeah, thank you.

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): It’ll cost two credits each, but this is the good stuff. There’s also another little thing though which is, I lost my laminate machine. I gotta get a new one.

KEITH (as Mako): You lost your what?

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): My- like, you know, you get the card but it ain’t laminated. They’re gonna see right through that.

KEITH (as Mako): Oh, okay.

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): So I need you to get me access to the Kinko’s.

[ALI laughing]

KEITH (as Mako): You don’t have access to the Kinko’s?

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Nah, they banned me.

ALI: [still laughing] They laminate things in this universe?

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): So if you can get me back in...You know, that’d be a’ight.

KEITH (as Mako): Yeah, I mean...Can’t you just put on a hat and take off your glasses?

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): No. My brand is my brand, Mako!

ALI (as Aria): Brands are important, Mako.

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Not gonna tell you take off that fur coat!

AUSTIN: You’re not wearing a fur coat.

[ART laughs]

KEITH (as Mako): I’m not wearing a fur coat.

AUSTIN: I don’t think you are.

KEITH: Also he neglected to say this but if he tries to put a hat on the hair then it’ll burn through the hat.

AUSTIN: Yes, it is lasers.

ART: Oh...

KEITH: He would need to wear a, a laser hat and then they would just know right away.

AUSTIN: Also he’s definitely- yeah, oh, god, Riff Raff is just a scary-looking guy.

JACK: We can get him int- We can get him into Kinko’s, right?

KEITH: Yeah, we can get him in.

AUSTIN: You can make that promise.

KEITH: This is like the lowest stakes thing we’ve ever done.

JACK: How close are we to the Kinko’s?

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Y’all don’t know what Kinko’s are like.

JACK: [overlapping AUSTIN, inaudible]

AUSTIN: — says Lazy Waves.

JACK: [overlapping KEITH] I also only have one credit.

KEITH: [overlapping JACK] I like that the only thing this guy is afraid of is the Kinko’s staff.

AUSTIN: Yeah, AuDy also only has one credit. Who’s putting up these two credits each?

ALI: Um, god, how many credits...

JACK: I could try and negotiate with him.

AUSTIN: You could. I think that-

ART: I have four credits, I can cover AuDy.

JACK: Oh, wait, I mean, okay, I mean...I can...I can Ice Man him.

AUSTIN: No, that’d be fast talk, right. Is that what you’re trying to do? Or like what would you be

JACK: Yeah, fast talk but I can roll cool with Ice Man.

AUSTIN: Yeah but what would you be trying to do?

KEITH: ‘Hey man, I’ve only got the one ...credit, give me...’

AUSTIN: Yeah but what’s the lie he’s trying to make? Or the, the, what’s the…

JACK: Are there robots on, on September?

AUSTIN: Yeah, but not that many, you realise. There are some.

JACK: I’m missing an arm...

AUSTIN: You are missing an arm.

JACK: And it’s raining… So my arm… It was… Are we out- we are outside.

AUSTIN: No, now you’re back inside, you’re in the mall, you’re in like the Bacchus dome.

JACK: Okay. Hm. I’m wondering whether or not I can just say ‘I will pay you one credit’ and just try and Ice Man him?

AUSTIN: Is- But is that a threat, like what’s the...what is that thing you’re trying to do?

[27:32]

JACK: I think I’m just trying to threaten him, but I’m not- I’m- this isn’t like playing hardball —

AUSTIN: Okay.

JACK: — I’m not making an actionable threat.

AUSTIN: Okay.

JACK: I think I’m just, sort of...

AUSTIN: Are you taking like a, like a hard stance, are you taking like, like how are you communing, communicating that it is a threat to him?

JACK: Um, oh, I just turn around and just bat the drone, away.

AUSTIN: Okay.

JACK: And say,

JACK (as AuDy): I will pay you one credit.

AUSTIN: You bat the drone and it flies in, it’s weird, like it stays flying but it loops back around so it’s behind him and pointing up at your face. So on his glasses is you looking back.

[ALI and JACK laughing]

AUSTIN: And you look fuckin’, just dope.

[ART laughs]

JACK: Well, do I, because I haven’t made the roll yet.

AUSTIN: Give me that roll.

[ALI laughs]

JACK: Uhhhh, I’m just finding the thing.

AUSTIN: You’re gonna roll cool.

JACK: Yeah.

AUSTIN: Look at that, 10. ‘NPCs do what you want.’ He’s like,

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Yeah, I gotta robot discount, I like robots a lot. Also. ‘Cause robots ain’t got no real family, so I’m like, you’re in my family by default. It’s a big family though, lotta robots.

JACK (as AuDy): It is.

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Okay, one for you, but everybody else gotta pay two.

ART: Can we trade Orth for him? [pause] Like on our ship?

[ALI laughs]

JACK: [horrified] No! No we can’t trade Orth for him!

ALI (as Aria): How about we pay you no credits but you join our family?

JACK: [laughing] No, don’t say these —

KEITH (as Mako): We have a real good family, we have a spaceship.

ALI (as Aria): Yeah!

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Yeah but y’all got a family plan? ‘Cause I only got like 70 minutes a month.

KEITH (as Mako): Yeah, same..

JACK (as AuDy): We are going to Kinko’s now!

ALI: [inaudible]

ART: How is that still a thing? How does he have minutes?

[everybody laughing]

KEITH: He has 200 texts a month!

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): It was weird, they deleted all my messages!

[KEITH laughs]

KEITH: When the text messages had to be interplanetary they brought back, they brought back minutes and text limits.

AUSTIN: God.

JACK (as AuDy): Let’s go the Kinko’s.

AUSTIN: Alright. It’s like a, it’s like a... It’s actually doing real good business because like, nobody at the September Institute has a printer? Like everyone got one their first year and then it broke, and like ‘I’ll just go, I’ll just go to the mall Kinko’s and print out my term paper.’ It’s also probably not a Kinko’s, it’s probably a Minerva Mining Mechanics like, shop? It’s —

KEITH: We just call those Kinko’s now.

AUSTIN: Yeah, it’s like a xerox machine, it’s just called a kinko machine.

ART: I mean that makes sense —

AUSTIN: People —

ART: — because Kinko’s have been gone for like a decade and everyone still calls them Kinko’s.

AUSTIN: Do they? Have they been gone —

ART: Oh, yeah.

AUSTIN: — Are they like fedex copy shops or something? Yeah. ...Alright. So who’s going up there?

ART: I’m going.

JACK: Well we’re looking at - Cass?

AUSTIN: Cass is doing a lap!

[ALI laughs]

ART: Wh- how big is this food court?

KEITH: [overlapping ART] If we- if we’re doing fast talk, I definitely…

ART: [overlapping KEITH] I thought I just like strolled off —

AUSTIN: Oh it’s so...

ART: — and came back.

AUSTIN: You’re only allowed, you’re only allowed to come back right this second if you come back with a funny food court food.

ART: Uhhh, funnel cake.

AUSTIN: Alright, Cass comes back with funnel cake.

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Oh damn, you didn’t bring me none?

JACK (as AuDy): He’s coming with us?

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Yeah I gotta get in the Kinko’s!

JACK (as AuDy): Right n- oh jeez.

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Hmm. Your robot don’t listen too good.

KEITH (as Mako): He’s^[2] eighty thousand years old and he’s cranky and a liar.

JACK (as AuDy): Hey hey, hey hey-!

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Oh damn!

KEITH (as Mako): [overlapping Lazer Ted] Yeah, it’s fucked up.

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): [overlapping Mako] You probably seen some shit.

KEITH (as Mako): He’s seen a lotta shit. [inaudible overlapping]

AUSTIN: He like, he like, is like moving his body around your body now AuDy, and like looking you up and down like —

KEITH: Like, inspecting.

AUSTIN:  — inspecting style.

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): You probably got some good hardware in there.

JACK (as AuDy): [deadpan] Once I destroyed a planet.

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Yeah, me too. Yeah.

[ALI, JACK, KEITH and ART laughing]

JACK: Ah...Okay, I’m going to talk to the Kinko’s person.

JACK (as AuDy): Hello.

AUSTIN (as Kinko’s person): Hi, how’s it going?

JACK (as AuDy): My name is- my name is Automated Dynamics.

AUSTIN (as Kinko’s person): Which, uh, student are you attached to?

KEITH (as Mako): Hi, he’s attached to me.

JACK (as AuDy): This man.

AUSTIN (as Kinko’s person): Let’s see [typing noises] Mr. ...Trig?

KEITH (as Mako): Yeah, that’s it, nailed it.

AUSTIN (as Kinko’s person): You still have two papers in the system, would you like those delivered to you?

KEITH (as Mako): No, I used a friend’s printer… You know, I’ll take ‘em.

AUSTIN (as Kinko’s person): Okay, they’ll be at file number one. Okay. is there anything else I can help you with?

JACK (as AuDy): My useless friend would like to use your laminating machine.

AUSTIN (as Kinko’s person): Mr. Trig is in good standing with us, I don’t understand.

JACK (as AuDy): Not that one, the one with the hair that looks like it’s on fire.

AUSTIN: She like, looks past you.

[ART laughs]

AUSTIN (as Kinko’s person): Oh he’s… [whispering] He’s not allowed in. Here. Anymore.

JACK (as AuDy): I can vouch for him.

AUSTIN (as Kinko’s person): He…

KEITH (as Mako): I...I can vouch for him, for this one thing.

AUSTIN (as Kinko’s person): I need to talk to a manager to get him— [whispering] he printed a printer once. That’s not— you can’t —

[ALI laughing hysterically]

KEITH (as Mako): He… Sorry, he printed a printer?

AUSTIN (as Kinko’s person): I’ll be right back.

KEITH (as Mako): Hold, wait, hold on.

AUSTIN (as Kinko’s person): Uh-huh?

KEITH (as Mako): Did you have a rule against that?

AUSTIN (as Kinko’s person): That’s not allow- that’s the whole business.

KEITH (as Mako): But did you have a rule against it?

AUSTIN (as Kinko’s person): Yeah you can’t -! C’mon, if you -

KEITH (as Mako): You said that you can’t do it but did you have a specific rule against it?

AUSTIN: She like, points up and like, you look up. ‘Five rules-’

KEITH: [laughing] Don’t print a printer...is the only one.

AUSTIN: It’s the only one, five times.

[ALI, KEITH and JACK laughing]

KEITH: Don’t talk about Kinko’s, don’t print a printer, don’t print a printer.

AUSTIN: Yes… He has a hot new song too and that is the hook. [in a rap-esque rhythm] ‘don’t talk about Kinko’s, don’t print a printer, don’t print a printer‘ and everyone thought he said ‘dope printer printer’ which is where he got the the reputation for being a drug dealer and like [Lazer Ted voice] ‘No, you can’t- I meant you’re not allowed to print printers!’

JACK: Hey, Austin.

AUSTIN: Uh-huh?

JACK: Am I connected- am I networked to this building?

AUSTIN: No.

JACK: Aw, boo.

AUSTIN: Sadly.

JACK: Um, okay...

AUSTIN: She’s like, she’s gonna go get a manager.

JACK: I feel we’ve probably got a better chance with the manager. Oh no, wait, hang on —

ART: While...while-

JACK: — Let’s just fuckin’ do it!

AUSTIN: There are other reps in the building, in this-

JACK: Aw.

ART: While she’s gone fog the system and put in- undo it like ‘oh I heard they let him in’.

AUSTIN: That’s not a bad idea.

ART: I’m [inaudible]

AUSTIN: I will also say, I do just wanna say, it is strange that there are people working in these places. Like that feels- again... You are not used to like, people. The last time someone said-

KEITH: [overlapping AUSTIN] Right, we’re used to dealing with like, like, faces on a robot.

AUSTIN: The last time someone said ‘I need to get my-’, the last time someone said ‘I need to go get my manager,’ the screen blinked for a second and a new fake person appeared. And now there’s a person who’s like, going into a back room and like, you smell that someone’s eating a sandwich back there. It’s a very...it’s jalapeños, it smells good though. So yeah, do you wanna fog something, is that what I’m hearing?

KEITH: Yeah, yeah I wanna fog the thing.

AUSTIN: Give...log in.

KEITH: Log in…

AUSTIN: It’s a synth roll.

KEITH: Yeah… um… could I get… [pause] Nah, I’ll just do it.

[pause]

JACK: Oh…

AUSTIN: Mako failed the roll. I’m gonna read log in and make sure that there’s no...nothing… Okay, you’re in but I get to choose two- excuse me, two things. So you’re going to have...there’s an alert triggered when you log in-

KEITH: Okay.

AUSTIN: [absently] I’m gonna move you back with the clocks...

KEITH: I also- I get to roll console cowboy to see if I can negate any of these effects.

AUSTIN: Go ahead and roll console cowboy…[pause] So you get one hold.

KEITH: Okay.

AUSTIN: So you can...spend one hold to prevent a construct from, from triggering an alert, you can avoid an ice routine executed against you, your deck or your programs and you can increase your hold over compromised security and manipulated systems by one. So which of the one of those are you gonna do or are you gonna hold that hold?

KEITH: Uh [coughs] [overlapping AUSTIN] what was the two things you were going to do to me?

AUSTIN: There’s an alert going to be triggered and there’s a minus one forward with everything else you do in this system.

KEITH: [overlapping AUSTIN] Okay, I’m gonna negate the alert.

AUSTIN: Or, not a minus one forward, a minus one ongoing, which means every move you make in this system will have a minus one.

KEITH: Okay…

AUSTIN: And I wanna be clear, this system is not the Kinko’s system, it is a thing called the Slate Mesh Architecture.

KEITH: ...Sounds more important.

AUSTIN: It does. You like, I think you— you— you move over to like a printer to, as like your entry point, and like touch the screen and it does the brrrrrrrr, like it does a scan really quick or like, that’s what your perception of it is and then like the world around you comes into like, a-ha Take on Me-style, sketched out on paper vision. And it’s as if you can see that there was another drawing here that was hastily erased. For this one to be placed here. So that is the- but you cancel the alarm from being set out but you are just like really uncomfortable in here

KEITH: Okay. Is there...is there a way to in the system remove the ongoing minus?

AUSTIN: Yeah you’d have to get a little bit deeper in and then— and then do a— a compromise security. Or, no, is that-

KEITH: Wouldn’t it be like— I would have to compromise security and then manipulate systems.

AUSTIN: Yes, you’d have to compromise security to get that minus one removed.

KEITH: Okay.

AUSTIN: But you’d have to manipulate systems to get his name removed. But you also— each of those things is in a different place and each is protected differently.

KEITH: Okay.

AUSTIN: And you have limited time, in that, even though you’re moving at like, hyperspeeds, there’s still the— like— in slow motion, there’s also that woman going to get her manager.

KEITH: Okay. Um, is there a way for somebody outside of the matrix to… aid me?

AUSTIN: No.

KEITH: No...okay.

AUSTIN. No. Unless someone can make a really incredible case for this because like, again, this is happening at super rapid speeds.

KEITH: The only case that I can think of is that somebody notices that.... like, I’m having a hard time and then becomes like, a lookout so that I can take more time.

AUSTIN: Like, no-one’s gonna spot you doing this, is the thing

KEITH: Yeah.

AUSTIN: Unless you fuck up internally.

KEITH: Okay so what was the…. What was the path to removing the… I guess if I have a limited time I’ll just go straight for— straight for— what’s it called...

AUSTIN: To remove… Yeah.

KEITH: The name, yeah, which was manipulate systems you said?

AUSTIN: Yeah. So there is, there’s… You can make a manipulate systems roll. You’re like, in your mind flipping through the pages of this place and seeing all the customer— um, all of the customer data. And then it appears to you as if a different sketch flipbook is happening for each one. There’s a moment where you see young Mako Trig coming in to print out those two papers that you never printed out, and there’s just this huge line in front of you and you’re like “ugh, forget it, I’m just not— ugh” and you leave. And then you see— you see Lazy Ted, on the like, on— running six different printers at once and there’s a big line up behind him and he’s like, he prints out the paper holder and then he prints out the like, the scanning device on a different one and he like clunks them together. He’s like doing it in this really dance-y way, it’s a whole performance art piece.

KEITH: Oh... [inaudible overlapping]

AUSTIN: Anyway give me a manipulate systems. [small pause] Actually sorry, he’s there, you cannot just do a manipulate systems ah, right now. Or, you can, but there’s a risk which is, you see that there is, as you’re flipping through, there’s just like a kind of like, a burly lady in a short sleeve shirt and like, straight black pants, a short sleeve button up shirt and a little black tie who is in every one of the drawings that you’re flipping through.

KEITH: Okay.

AUSTIN: And she is like, she has her eyes on you and she is watching you very carefully for what you do. So you can make that roll, but you are being watched.

KEITH: Hm. Can I— can I talk to the lady?

AUSTIN: Yes, she is ICE. Um, that’s not her name [laughs]

KEITH: Right

AUSTIN: But that is what she is, she is —

KEITH: Hello ICE

AUSTIN: — She is a representation of a certain sort of ICE. [pause] Oh shit, you get to roll synth instead of style here, by the way, if you’re going to try to fast talk her. Because you definitely have a recognizable avatar here on September.

KEITH: Yes, I do. Yeah, yeah, okay.

KEITH (as Mako): Uhh, hi!

AUSTIN (as ICE): Mr. Trig.

KEITH (as Mako): How… I didn— hi, have we met?

AUSTIN (as ICE): Years ago. I have a very good memory.

KEITH (as Mako): … How good?

AUSTIN (as ICE): [bluntly] Very good. What do you want?

KEITH (as Mako): Oh, I was just— I’m just doing some research, got a little bit uh... turned around…

AUSTIN (as ICE): You’re not supposed to be in this system, Mr. Trig.

KEITH (as Mako): I got, uh... permission from the manager.

[pause]

AUSTIN (as ICE): I’m not sure that’s true.

KEITH (as Mako): … Yeah.

AUSTIN (as ICE): My records don’t indicate that. I have no memory of it.

KEITH (as Mako): … No?

AUSTIN (as ICE): And I have a very good memory.

KEITH (as Mako): I heard that, but, here’s the thing about good memories, is you can never remember if you’ve forgotten.

AUSTIN: I think that’s a fast— I think you’re trying to like, confuse her?

KEITH: [laughing] Yeah, ‘kay.

JACK: Worked on me.

KEITH: Rolling synth, right?

AUSTIN: Yeah go ahead and roll synth, which would be, I guess that would be— alright well, you’ve convinced her that she could have maybe —

KEITH: [inaudible, overlapping AUSTIN]

AUSTIN: Uh, she says,

AUSTIN (as ICE): [grudgingly] Alright, maybe you have permission. I’m still going to need to make note of what you’re doing.

KEITH (as Mako): Yeah, that’s fine.

AUSTIN (as ICE): Okay.

KEITH (as Mako): Yeah he just— he just told me I could go do this thing real quick.

AUSTIN: She like, does like, the thing that— that disinterested security guards do which is just like, ‘go ahead’.

KEITH: Alright… Disinterested security guard sounds a lot like interested security guard.

AUSTIN: I worked in a lot of malls by the way. As a kid.

KEITH: What’s that?

AUSTIN: I’ve worked in a lot of malls as a kid. By the way.

KEITH: Yeah...

AUSTIN: So, so to be clear —

KEITH: So now I can [inaudible overlapping]

AUSTIN: Yeah, you can manipulate systems. You will advance a clock when you do this.

KEITH: I will?

AUSTIN: Yes. She is going to take note of it. She’s not stopping you from doing it but it will advance a clock where we’re at right now.

[pause]

[JACK sighs in despair]

AUSTIN: Now she’s going to do more than advance a clock —

ART: Wait, isn’t this —

KEITH: Yeah, a lot more.

AUSTIN: — because you rolled a 6.

ART: — isn’t this getting us our credentials, isn’t this the plus one from the plan?

AUSTIN: ...Sur- uh...

JACK: No, no— uhh…

AUSTIN: [unsure] Yeah…?

KEITH: ...Yes, because I had to— I had to fo— that was part of the plan, was me using my hack ability.

AUSTIN: It was, but also I think he just— don’t you also just have that plus one hold, so it doesn’t even come to that. You have this plus one —

KEITH: Yeah, yeah I do have that.

AUSTIN: — hold from console cowboy. Oh no, no, no you spent that, never mind —

KEITH: No no, I used— I used that up.

AUSTIN: — but you do have— you do have— ‘cause I’m not sure this falls under the nature of the plan, which was like about— I don’t know, maybe it does, you get it, you get a 7 here. Actually, let’s make sure you didn’t get higher. So you get plus one from the plan, and then you get another bonus from one of your programs, I think.

KEITH: Yeah….

AUSTIN: Whenever you manipulate systems hold one. Alright. So. You can spend that hold to, to, you actually have two hold at this point over the manipulate systems in this— in this entire system, in the Slate Mesh Architecture.

KEITH: Okay.

AUSTIN: Or whatever I called it before.

KEITH: In the Slate Mesh Architecture.

AUSTIN: Yes.

KEITH: Okay, I think that’s what you called it.

AUSTIN: Yes, so hold that, remember you have not just— not just the one you’re about to spend to open this, but you have another manipulate systems hold.

KEITH: Okay.

AUSTIN: But I am still going to move up a clock really quick. I’m gonna move that back over… Oh wait, you’re on the clocks already. I was not on the clocks.

KEITH: I probably should have just told her that she was Larry.

[AUSTIN laughs]

ALI: You… He still has Larry right?

AUSTIN: Yeah, he still has Larry. Alright, Lazy Ted, whose name is like… What’s his name… What’s his real name. [pause] Uhh...

JACK: What’s Riff Raff’s real name?

KEITH: [answering AUSTIN] Ted Durst.

AUSTIN: Yeah, what is Riff Raff’s name?

ALI: Oh my god.

AUSTIN: I used to know this, this is bad that I don’t.

ART: No, no it isn’t, it’s not bad.

ALI: Is it bad?

KEITH: It’s not bad that you don’t know Riff Raff’s name.

AUSTIN: It’s so good… it’s Horst Christian Simco.

ALI: God…

[KEITH laughing]

AUSTIN: Let’s call this guy Ted Horst. He is the horst.

KEITH: Well, that’s why he changed his name to Lazer Ted ‘cause people were calling him Ted Worst.

AUSTIN: Yes, exactly.

KEITH: Oh god, our Riff Raff’s a mess.

AUSTIN: Uh-huh. So like you do this and it’s as if Ted notices. Like, immediately, like, so for everyone else in this room, it’s like ‘I’m gonna go get my manager,’ and then like three seconds later Ted’s like,

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): I can go wherever I want!

AUSTIN: And he steps inside.

KEITH: Can I, real quick, can the thing that I did, be I made it so his thing expired, like his ban like, expired.

AUSTIN: Yes.

KEITH: Like hours ago.

AUSTIN: Yes, totally, that’s fine.

KEITH: [quiet] Okay.

AUSTIN: The manager comes back and it’s the security guard lady, in the same uniform, just like working here now.

AUSTIN (as manager): Mr. Horst, you are not allowed in these premises. How many times do I have to tell you?

AUSTIN: And he like walks up and says,

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): It’s taken care of.

[ALI laughs]

KEITH (as Mako): Ted— what he means is— he’s not— you guys said that his ban expired today.

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Yeah that’s right, my boy took care of it.

AUSTIN: And he puts his arm around you.

KEITH (as Mako): That’s not— yeah, I—I took care of remembering that you guys said his ban expired.

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Yeah, he’s got a good memory.

AUSTIN: And he winks at her.

[KEITH laughs]

AUSTIN: Remember that this is a planet filled with strati.

KEITH: Yeah.

AUSTIN: God, I can’t believe Ted has the same fucking abilities you do, it’s amazing.

[KEITH laughs]

KEITH: I mean I’m sure he’s not as good.

AUSTIN. Yeah. He would be better at very specific things.

ART: [overlapping AUSTIN] Fogging clothing, for instance.

AUSTIN: [overlapping ART and KEITH] They check the system—

KEITH: [overlapping AUSTIN] [inaudible] ...I also could have convinced Larry that he was Ted.

AUSTIN: [laughs] Yes. They do, uh, they check the system and they see that Ted’s name has been removed and she’s just like…

AUSTIN (as manager): It’s strange.

KEITH (as Mako): It’s okay, he bought a printer, so he’s not gonna...

AUSTIN (as manager): Alright, just be careful with everything, I’ll have my eye on you.

AUSTIN: And then like, Ted lines y’all up as if it was a— what do you call those, like a lineup, like a police line up, and he like, whistles and the— his drone flies in and does a bioscan on each of you and then sends that data into— he like, he pulls up his like, scan— his like, portable computing device, whatever that is, like a holographic screen and does like some tapping and stuff and you can hear the woman who helped you first whispering to the manager, she’s like,

AUSTIN (as Kinko’s employee): Is he just making… Is he making fake IDs?

AUSTIN: And she’s like,

AUSTIN (as manager): [sighs] It’s not our business, privacy regulations say we can’t ask what our customers do with our machines outside of printing other printers.

AUSTIN: And —

KEITH (as Mako): [loudly] Hey Ted, do you got those real IDs?

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Yeah! The realest. I just gotta laminate them. [calling out] Sarah, it’s alright if I use the laminator right?

AUSTIN: And the security guard slash Kinko’s employee is like,

AUSTIN (as manager): [grudgingly] ...Yes, you can use the laminator.

AUSTIN: And he laminates your cards.

KEITH (as Mako): [condescendingly] Sarah’s a nice lady.

AUSTIN: Yes. And he hands them to you, and now you’re all enrolled at the September Institute.

JACK: What does mine look like?

AUSTIN: It is a picture of… [amused] Huh. Do I want to go depressing or funny?

KEITH: [overlapping] He did a bio reading of AuDy!

AUSTIN: Yeah. I think it does like the scan and then like it— it chirps at him during the bioscan, it chirps at Ted and he’s like,

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Don’t worry about it, I got somethin’.

AUSTIN: And now I just have to figure out what he has. Oh, I know what he has. He’s like

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): You need to come with me though.

AUSTIN: And he like, leaves and asks AuDy to follow him.

JACK: Okay, let’s go.

KEITH: Alone, or we can all go?

AUSTIN: You could all go, but it was like, he was just looking at AuDy. He handed everybody else their cards.

KEITH: I’m gonna go because —

JACK: Yeah.

KEITH: — I feel like I’m Ted’s responsibility. Or, sorry, Ted’s my responsibility.

AUSTIN: He- [laughs] Oh, boy. So, he walks into a— he walks you through the mall, past the Hot Topic, past the— you know, a second food court, past at least three Gamestops —

[ALI laughs]

AUSTIN: He like, waves at a dude in there, he’s like,

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): I’ll be in there later!

AUSTIN: And then takes you to a real nice store that’s like, it has just serifed fonts of two different letters… I think, just for the sake of being hilarious and good, it’s L and D, and it’s just— it stands for something else, it stands for like, you know, Lewis Designer or something like that, and it’s a suit store. And he walks up to somebody and gives like a [with clap sounds] clap clap hug, and he’s like,

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): What’s up Berenice, guess what, I got a man [sic] who needs a suit, I know you owe me a suit, you gotta put this boy [sic] in a suit.

AUSTIN: And he just gives— gives AuDy a look and gives Ted a look and gives AuDy a look and then Ted is like,

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): It needs to be a big suit.

[JACK and KEITH laugh]

AUSTIN: And then Berenice nods and is like,

AUSTIN (as Berenice): Alright, come in the back.

AUSTIN: And they give you a really nice suit. And then when you come out, he hands you a card, and he says,

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): I gotta put something on your collar real quick.

AUSTIN: And he like attaches a little, like, a button, like a lapel pin and it projects a holographic face over your face —

[ALI laughs]

AUSTIN: — But it doesn’t really fit all the way? Like parts of— your antenna is poking up through it? And he’s like

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): [tuts] Hold still.

AUSTIN: And he like combs your fake holographic hair, also you just look like a Republican, you look like Rubio basically. [laughs] And just like ‘get-!’ and he’s like,

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Alright that looks pretty good, just don’t get too close to nobody.

JACK (as AuDy): Thank you for your assistance.

AUSTIN: And then he kisses you on your holographic cheek.

JACK (as AuDy): Never do that again.

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Yeah.

[ALI and KEITH laugh]

JACK: I’m back on team ‘kill Lazer Ted’!

[ALI, AUSTIN and KEITH laugh]

JACK: I was on joi- ‘he can join our crew’ for a while but I’ve changed sides.

AUSTIN (as Lazer Ted): Y’all need anything else?

KEITH: I love— I like— Austin, I think that your most accurate Riff Raff thing about Lazer Ted is his sort of, indifference or agreement to people rejecting him?

[AUSTIN and ALI laugh]

KEITH: Like, ‘fuck off Lazer Ted, you’re the worst!’ [Lazer Ted impression] ‘Ha, yeah, what’s up.’

[ALI, JACK and AUSTIN laugh]

AUSTIN: [Lazer Ted voice] ‘Yeah, you know.’

ART: What I’m most excited about is, because this is like, most of an episode and this is clearly the most, you know, compelling thing about this episode, is Austin’s really dramatic narration of something about Lazy Ted that’s gonna-

AUSTIN: Lazer Ted’s life, yeah.

ART: — come right now, it’s gonna be like ‘from the journal of Lazer Ted’.

AUSTIN: Ted Horst… Yes… An excerpt — [laughs]

[ALI laughs]

AUSTIN: ‘An extract from the journal of Melinda Horst: “Oh, what a beautiful baby boy I have.” [laughs] “His eyes reveal hopes and dreams like any others.” ’

JACK: Ah dear… Lazer Ted goes back and looks at photos from his childhood… Um… Can I check in with Orth and Jacqui?

ALI: Yes.

JACK: Or try to?

[~51:00]

AUSTIN: Sure, so like, where— let’s move forward a little bit. Where are we at now in terms of like, we’re not in the suit store anymore. Point on this map —

JACK: No, so I —

AUSTIN: — where you are.

JACK: Ummm are we — I think we’re probably like, here?

AUSTIN: Okay so. [Pause]. This. This big weird triangle building is— a security— is part of the security checkpoint that leads into the September Institute. So probably— I mean you can stand there all you want and nothing’s gonna hap- eh, there are ‘no loitering’ signs there.

JACK: Okay.

AUSTIN: So you passed through the rest of the Bacchus Recreational District, and I will say that by the time you leave the dome, the district does take on a sort of different tone at night, especially in the rain where, the kind of faux danger is replaced by what happens when people in faux dangerous places get a little too drunk. And like, y’know, there are even fights at bars in Disneyland every once in a while. And when that Disneyland is just a college town and like, the nice, mid afternoon sun is replaced by like, rain and the pressures of finals season, there’s definitely like, a couple of people who are like, just— you don’t wanna deal with them. Not ‘cause they’re— not because they’re strong or tough, because they think they are, and people who think that they’re dangerous are dangerous, even if not in the way that they think they are. But you manage to make your way out of that area and towards the school, I guess. Um, you wanna contact Orth and Jacqui… That will be a roll of some sort because of the storm. [pause] It is raining hard by the way. Your suit is not looking good, AuDy.

JACK: Do I have an arm, or am I a Republican senator missing an arm?

AUSTIN: You’re a Republican senator missing an arm. Your suit is pinned— in fact I think— I think Ted pinned that arm for you.

[JACK makes a drawn out sigh of despair]

KEITH: [laughs slightly] At least he knows how to pin a suit.

AUSTIN: Yeah, yeah he knows.

[ALI laughs]

JACK: Yeah…. Okay, so —

AUSTIN: [overlapping JACK] He only had one arm for a while, he’s been there.

JACK: One of my —

KEITH: I like [inaudible] when he goes home to his parents, he basically is a young Republican.

AUSTIN: Oh, totally.

JACK: Oh my god, yeah, totally. Tell you what he is, he’s one of those people in the— the Guardian article recently of like, secret Trump voters —

AUSTIN: Mmhmm!

JACK: — of just like, people who are like ‘oh yeah, I actually vote Trump’. Um, what am I rolling?

AUSTIN: [overlapping JACK] I think it is a research… No, it’s not a research check, I think we just need to make a move really quick for what this is. But I wanna… Hmm..

ART: It’s not like ‘act under fire’ but with like, a different —

AUSTIN: But like with synth or something?

KEITH: [overlapping AUSTIN] Synth?

AUSTIN: I think it is, yeah, I think it’s ‘act under fire’ with synth.

JACK: My synth is...

KEITH: Who has the highest— I think I have the highest synth.

AUSTIN: AuDy said he^[3] was doing it so he’s doing it.

KEITH: Oh, okay.

JACK: My synth is… Zero…

AUSTIN: That is correct.

KEITH: Okay.

JACK: Let’s go.

ALI: [questioningly] You’re a robot.

AUSTIN: Yeah but he was a robot who was not hooked into the system for a long time.

ALI: that’s true….

KEITH: Can I aid?

JACK: Well, that’s all out the window.

[AUSTIN laughs]

JACK: Sure, do you have— do you have, um, things with me?

KEITH: I think— I believe that I have … plus one with you, let me check.

AUSTIN: [overlapping] How are you helping him — how are you helping him connect?

KEITH: Ummm I —

JACK: Oh I know, I know what he’s doing.

KEITH: I can boost the signal like a wireless bridge.

JACK: Nonono it’s not even that, it’s that like… Mako… This being a university town, fate dictates that the network signal is patchy? And Mako is just saying, ‘No, stand over there, no, go over there, stand on that corner.’

KEITH: Oh yeah, I know the one area of the mall that has signal.

AUSTIN: Yeah.

JACK: ‘It’ll be fine.’

KEITH: I do have a plus one with AuDy.

AUSTIN: Yeah, go ahead and make the roll.

JACK: I’ll take that.

KEITH: Oh, I —

AUSTIN: 2d6 plus one is nine, so that means yes, but you are now open to… uh, retaliation or harm.

KEITH: [inaudible overlap]

JACK: And I am just rolling synth ..

AUSTIN: Synth, plus one.

JACK: Yeah. Okay. [pause] Five.

AUSTIN: Plus uh… Yeah. Good. No. That’s bad.

KEITH: Alright, way to go, stuck my neck out there with the —

AUSTIN: Alright

KEITH: — the robots I thought was a different robot.

[JACK groans a bit in resignation]

AUSTIN: Uh-huh! So I’m gonna advance a couple o’ clocks.

KEITH: A couple?! That’s a lot! … Two.

AUSTIN: Yeah well, you failed— AuDy failed and also you were exposed to harm. So.

KEITH: … Shit.

AUSTIN: Um...

ALI: But they’re okay?

JACK: What does this failure look like?

AUSTIN: What does what? I will tell you, I will tell you.

JACK: What does this failure look— oh.

AUSTIN: In a second. [pause] So, you call through to them and their signal is like, incredibly bad in this rain. And the rain is heavier than the rain on other planets that you’ve been on? Like it’s denser, maybe the water isn’t the way we think of water, maybe it’s some other… I don’t know, I don’t know enough about chemistry, but it’s heavier water, like physically, it’s not just the drops are heavier—

KEITH: It’s like a gel?

AUSTIN: It’s a— yeah, exactly, it’s like thicker —

KEITH: It’s raining gel?

AUSTIN: — And it’s— it— I don’t think it’s sticky, like it’s gel, but when it hits you, it runs off of you the way water does, it’s— it just hits you with a velocity or— or a mass. And you can hear, you hear Orth and you— you like connect to Orth and Jacqui for a second. And you can hear one of them is out of breath.

AUSTIN (as Jacqui??): [heavy breathing] That was close-  how’s it g- [cuts out] -seems good. How ‘bout you guys?

JACK (as AuDy): We’re good.

KEITH (as Mako): Yeah, we met our laser friend.

AUSTIN (as Jacqui??): I can’t- Okay, whatever you do just-

KEITH: [aside] We gotta find them.

AUSTIN (as Jacqui??): Zadiq, they’re called the Zadiq. (sp??)

AUSTIN: And then the signal cuts out.

KEITH: [overlapping AUSTIN] Do you —

ALI: Oh..

KEITH: Well, we’ve gotta go find them, right?

ALI: No, can we just tell them to go back to the base?

AUSTIN: The signal’s… gone.

JACK: [overlapping KEITH] No, the signal’s gone.

KEITH: [overlapping JACK] No, they didn’t just hang up.

ALI: Well… When it comes back up…

AUSTIN: It’s gonna be raining for a while. It’s gonna be raining for the length of their operation.

ALI: Right...

JACK: Is this just like, a seasonal thing on September, does it sometimes just rain for ages…?

[AUSTIN sighs thoughtfully]

JACK: Or is this unique?

AUSTIN: It’s funny.

ALI: Is it September on September?

AUSTIN: In the background like behind you, you’re standing in front of a— like a electronics store, it’s having a really good sale right now actually, for finals week. And… on the, on the screen, one of the kinda like, holographic television displays - it’s— it’s also the worst ‘cause it’s— it’s a display model, so it’s just like showing off all of the things it can do, so it’s like picture and picture, and then like, it can, it can go to any resolution, it can be as big as the window or tiny and can fit in your pocket. But rotating through that, it shows the like weather system. And there’s the— the bit that you’re getting hit with now is like the storm before the real storm hits?

[music starts - “The Long Way Around”]

Storms on September are like earthquakes in— on Earth. In that, there are tremors and then there are like, the big storm and then there are after effects. And the big storm comes tomorrow. And there’s something weird about it, which is that it’s not just rain like it normally is. It’s snow. A blizzard is coming to September.