https://www.patreon.com/posts/live-at-table-23030258
Transcribed by: Jackie (@astronbot) [0:00:00-047:06], thedreadbiter
Keith: Hold on, I can’t hear Art.
Austin (extremely exasperated): Oh my fucking god…
Keith (through laughter): I’m kidding! Okay, 20 seconds!
[pause]
[Everyone claps at the exact same time. It’s very crisp.]
[MUSIC - Unnamed track by Jack de Quidt begins — 0:00:08]
[Austin gasps]
(overlapped)
Keith: That was good!
Austin (astounded): That was a good one!
Ali: It was fucking Skype the whole time.
Austin: Of course it was.
Keith: It was Skype the whole time, yeah.
Ali: It was Skype the entire time, okay.
[pause]
Austin: Lasers and Feelings. You— Wait, that’s wrong. We need to do an intro, don’t we?
Ali: Yes, we do. (through laughter) ‘Cause this is—
Austin: I’ll figure out a weird intro later, so… For now, I’ll do— You know what? The pre-intro-music will be this: “You are the crew of the interstellar scout ship Raptor. Your mission is to explore uncharted regions of space, deal with aliens both friendly and deadly, and defend the Consortium worlds against space dangers. Captain Darcy has been overcome by the strange psychic entity known as Something Else, leaving you to fend for yourselves while he recovers in a medical pod.”
[MUSIC - Unnamed track continues until 00:02:53 — It’s a mid-tempo, methodical, synth-filled track. When the chorus hits, drums accompany the synths, as well as a commanding horn section. Jack de Quidt described it on Twitter as a theme to “a ridiculous TV show you found late at night” and "what if it was a cop procedural from really far in the future?"]
Austin: Welcome to Friends at the Table, an actual play podcast focused on critical worldbuilding, smart characterisation, and fun interaction between good friends. I am your host, Austin Walker, joining me for this special, weird, bonus special to fix Ali’s teeth [Ali giggles], Ali Acampora.
Ali: Hi! My name is Alisha Acampora. To explain what this episode is a little bit, if you don’t follow me on Twitter, I’ve kinda had a fundraising thing? ‘Cause two of my teeth were broken and it’s very expensive. So, I had a livestream to, like, raise money for my labor and entertainment? Um, [laughs]. I reached my goal and it was really great! Thank you everyone who donated, it means a lot to me. But then, we still had a little bit time left on that twelve hours and we couldn’t decide what game to play, so we were like, “Okay! Let’s just record a bonus episode of Friends at the Table!”
Austin: “And a game system we never played before, let’s give it a shot real quick!”
Ali (over Austin): Yeah! Uh huh!
Austin: It’s a cool one sheet thing that I’ll get to in a second. Also joining me: Keith Carberry.
Keith: Hi! My name is Keith Carberry, you can find me on Twitter @keithjcarberry, you can find the Let’s Plays that I do at youtube.com/runbutton. I promise that it’s a good channel, with good things on it.
Austin: There’s a good skateboarding video from Zelda.
Ali: Mhmm.
Keith: I did! I just uploaded— It’s my first viral hit!
Ali (over Keith): You might’ve seen it on kotaku.com.
Austin: It’s true.
[Keith laughs]
Austin: Also joining us, my favorite skater-boy, Arthur Tebbel.
[Someone giggling in the background]
Art: Hey, hi! This is actually— This is the first intro since the wedding. It’s Art Martinez-Tebbel, now.
Austin: You’re totally right! [Ali applauds excitedly] It is Art Martinez-Tebbel! (excitedly) The is the first intro—
Ali: I’ve been changing your name on the website, it makes me really happy every time I do.
Austin: That’s really good!
(overlapped)
Austin: Sorry, Jess, I forgot to include your good name!—
Art: We don’t have our— We don’t have our—
Austin: —and also Art!
Art: We don’t have our marriage license back yet, so I can’t change it on anything officially, but I’m doing all the unofficial changes I can.
Ali: Good.
Austin: That is really good! For anyone who wanted to know, let me tell you, Art and Jess had a really good wedding [Ali: Yeeaah]. It was at a really good place [Art: Mhmm], There was good food, and there were antiques everywhere. It was like—the venue was sort of like if you let Jack and I decide to decorate a place [Art laughs], in that it was just a bunch of oddities, like, arranged nicely
(overlapped)
Ali: It was super good—
Art: Yeah, the photographers—
Ali: Me and Jack snuck into an unauthorised area, and took a picture [laughs] to show to Austin ‘cause it looks like something Samot would’ve owned.
Austin: Yeah, and in the process you left me talking with someone I didn’t want to talk to, thanks.
(overlapped)
Art: Did you guys see the crazy clown ride?
Keith: Who was it?! Name names!
(overlapped)
Austin: No?
Ali: No?!
Art: We made them put it away, I don’t know how far away it got—[Ali and Austin laugh]—Thankfully enough. They had this scary-looking, sixties, or maybe early seventies, like, you know those things outside of a supermarket, where you put a quarter in and you go on a little horse or something? [Ali: Mhmm.] This was like, this giant wall with a clown painted on it, and it was a little—
Austin (disgusted): No.
Art: —seat that went into a big circle.
Ali: Super glad that I missed that.
Art: Yeah.
(overlapped)
Keith: That’s actually—
Ali: Didn’t know I didn’t want to see that so much.
Keith: I couldn’t— I wasn’t able to come to the wedding, but I did see that [Ali giggles loudly]. I—[laughs]. I did arrive—
Austin: They put it very far away! They put it in Boston!
Keith: Yeah— No, no no. It was only a mile away from where the wedding was, I just couldn't make it to the wedding, but I did find the ride.
[Ali laughs]
Austin: Weird… Okay—
Art: Keith— Keith was just in, on the east side—
Keith (amused): I was in town, I just couldn’t make it to the actual—[breaks off into laughter].
Austin (playing along): Ugh, the ceremony—just couldn’t make it!
Keith: Yeah, I couldn’t make it.
Austin: So we are playing Lasers & Feelings, which is, apparently, a Doubleclicks tribute RPG designed by John Harper. John Harper, of course, also designed Blades in the Dark, which is the system we that we used for Marielda, our mini-season earlier—er, I guess the middle of 2016. This is a one-page game, it’s simple. It’s pretty simple. So, I’m gonna be able to read you all these rules. I’ll be GM-ing, because that’s the job I have at Friends at the Table, you will be my players. The first thing you need to do is to create a style for your character; Alien, Android, Dangerous, Hot-Shot, Intrepid, Savvy, or Sexy.
Keith: Now, what if I’m having a hard time figuring out how I’m gonna do all the other ones without also being sexy?
Austin: Ugh, fair. That’s fair—
Art: I guess you just pick “Sexy”.
Austin: Yeah that to me— I think you’re picking “Sexy”, sir.
Keith (quietly, pained): No… I’m not…
[Ali giggles, Art chuckles]
Austin: Are you sure?
Keith: I’m sure, I was just kidding.
[Austin makes a sound of doubt]
Ali: [sound of doubt] I think Keith has to be “Sexy”.
Austin: Yeah, mhmm.
Art: Yeah.
Keith: I can do— Yeah, I guess I can do—just the whole time—just the voice leading up to the Vin Diesel impression voice.
Ali: Why…
Austin: Oh my god, don’t do that to me.
[Ali sighs, Keith laughs in response]
Art: You don’t always have to be the thing.
[Ali and Austin laugh]
Art: Like, if you’re “Dangerous” you’re not always dangerous.
(overlapped)
Ali: You don’t know that!
Austin: Right.
Keith: But, if you’re sexy, you’re always— It’s like the one of these that’s like, “oh it’s always.” It’s a constant.
Art: I don’t think you always have to be doing the voice. The sexy voice.
Keith: But that’s just the character’s voice. Like you’re saying—
Austin: No, that just means, whatever your voice is, we have to pretend it’s sexy for the next two hours.
[Ali laughs]
Keith (unattractively): OKAY!
[Ali screams, Austin and Art laugh]
Keith: [laughs] Oh god.
[Ali takes a deep breath]
Austin: Okay, sexy.
Keith: How am I not making more money?
Austin: I—(through laughter) Okay. Well, Keith,
Art: What a sexy thing to say! [breaks off into laughter]
[Ali bursts into laughter]
Austin: What do you—
Keith: I guess I’ll be “Hot-Shot”!
[Ali takes a deep breath, recovering from her laughter]
Art: No, you picked “Sexy”!
Austin: You picked “Sexy”!
Keith (protesting, yet amused): I didn’t! I didn’t pick that!
Austin: Art, what about you?
Art: Um… I’ll take “Hot-Shot”!
Austin: Okay, and Ali?
Ali: Um… I’m… gonna be… “Dangerous”.
Austin: Okay,
Ali: No—
Austin: and then— No?
Keith: Now, how are we gonna do this with two Hot-Shots?
Austin: We’re not! There’s only one Hot-Shot!
Keith: Oh god damn it.
[Ali laughs]
Austin: Two, choose a role for your character: Doctor, Envoy, Engineer, Explorer, Pilot, Scientist, or Soldier.
Keith: This is just one worse than the vole thing [Austin snorts]. This is just the vole thing but one worse.
(overlapped)
Ali: Keith, just, just—
Austin (amused): You said “vole”, son.
Ali: Yeah. You said “vole”, first of all.
Austin: And then you said “sexy”, and now you’re a sexy vole and gonna have to live with that.
Ali: Right, yeah. Keith, you’re just gonna have to step outside your comfort zone a little bit. This is a bonus episode. Anyway, I’m going to be an Alien Engineer. I changed—
Austin: Okay. An Alien Engineer.
[Someone sneezes]
Art: And I’m gonna be a Hot-Shot Explorer.
Ali (in the background): Yesss!
Austin: Okay, and Keith you’re going to be a Sexy…?
Keith (resigned): Doctor.
Ali: Yes!
Austin: Yes, you are! [Austin and Art laugh] Lean in! Three—now this is the game—Choose your number, from two to five. A high number means you’re better at Lasers, and in parenthesis, “technology; science; cold rationality; calm, precise action”. A low number means you’re better at Feelings: intuition; diplomacy; seduction; wild, passionate action. The way the dice system works, when you need to do Lasers things, you need roll under the number, and when you need to do Feelings things you need to roll over your number, and that’s why there’s that split.
Ali: Okay.
Keith: I have a question—
Austin: Yes?
Keith: I might’ve just misheard something. So, it says, “choose your number,”
Austin: That’s it!
Keith: We all have different numbers, I assume. Right, no?
Austin: Eh, you can all choose the same number.
Keith: So, what is the— So, the benefit is if I want to be rolling “Feelings” stuff, then I choose four or five, so it’ll give me a lower chance to be “technology, science, cold rationality”—
Austin: Correct.
Keith: And a higher chance to be, “intuition, diplomacy, seduction, wild passionate action”
Austin: Yeah, so this is literally just built around bad sci-fi trope of like, you’re either a Doctor Spock or a Captain Kirk.
Keith: Right, okay.
(overlapped)
Ali: Wait, I thought a high number means you’re better at “Lasers”.
Art: You’re a Spock or you’re a Bones.
Austin: Right, ‘cause you’re rolling under that number more often.
Ali: Oh...kay.
Austin: High “Lasers” means you’re good at technology, and science, and being calm. And low means you’re better at intuition, and diplomacy, and et cetera.
Keith: Right, so if you always wanna be doing “Lasers” stuff, you would choose a two—
Austin: You’re going to be doing both, but yes. You’re picking what your character is better at doing.
Ali: Wait, no. I thought a five means you’re better at “Lasers”, though.
Austin: Yes, yes.
Art: Yeah, a five is good at “Lasers”.
Keith: Oh, am I getting it backwards?
(overlapped)
Ali: You’re getting it backwards.
Austin: Yeah, you’re getting it backwards
Keith: Ah, okay.
Ali: I’m going to be a three.
Keith: I thought— Okay. Got it.
Austin: Three?
Ali: Yeah.
Austin: Art?
Art: I was also gonna pick three.
[Someone clicks their tongue]
Keith: Four.
Austin: Okay.
Keith: Again, just to be clear, that means two and three… [Austin: Lean,] and four? No, sorry. Two and three lean “Feelings”.
Austin: Right, and four and five lean “Lasers”.
Ali: Yes, yes.
Keith: Okay.
Austin: Um. Then, give your character a cool space adventure name, like “Sparks McGee” or something. Don’t pick that one.
Ali: Uhhh… You sure?
Austin: Uh huh. Sean in the chat, wildvulture, says “All I ever wanted in life is to be good at Lasers”
[Art chuckles]
Ali: [giggles] I know Sean, I know, you’re getting there.
[Ali sighs, pause]
Austin: Welcome to Friends at the Table, a show about trying to figure out names.
Ali: [laughs] If you wanna make sure that Ali could afford the sexiest possible tooth doctor, please donate here [Austin laughs]. Oh my god, (wincing) my dentist isn’t sexy at all, he has, like, really bad hair…
Austin: Oh no…
Ali: And he thinks nobody knows that it’s bad, but it's so bad. He’s really doing his best. Um… I’m in alien. No, I’m not any alien, I’m alien to all of you.
Austin: Right. I mean, you are an alien, right?
Ali: You don’t know. Maybe they’re aliens and I’m human and it’s, y’know, very strange for them.
Austin: They would need to agree to that, I think.
Ali: [giggles] I’m just saying. Also, I don’t have to— I could be like, y’know, could be from a different human planet that’s...
Austin: Um… Yeah.
Ali: ...strange…
Austin: Here’s what I’ll tell you about names. The name that I have to use as the bad guy, because of a different thing I’ve already done as prep, is “Zorgon The Conqueror” [Keith laughs] So, that’s the game we’re playing.
Keith: Okay.
Ali: Okay.
Austin: Lean that way, is I guess, what I mean.
Ali: Okay.
Keith: Astley Spakes.
Austin: I never liked you.
Keith: I know, I know.
Austin: Asley?
Keith: Astley. A-S-T-L-E-Y.
Austin: Astley. And then, last name?
Keith: S-P-A-K-E-S.
Austin: [laughs] Like, as in the German for “speaks”, or “spoke”?
Keith: I’m no German! I’m not fluent in— I know some German.
Austin: [laughs] I’m a sexy doctor, godammit! I’m not a German linguist!
[Ali sighs]
Art: Okay, I think I wanna be Chip Polaris.
Ali: Oooh!
Art: Good hot-shot explorer name.
Keith: Yeah, alright.
Ali: I was gonna be Polar-something because I’m sitting next to a bottle of Polar seltzer, and now [laughs] I don’t know if that’s a good idea.
Keith: Chip— It’s Chipo Laris.
[Austin chuckles, Ali sighs]
Ali: Someone says, “guessing this isn’t COUNTER/weight canon.”
Austin: No, no. [Ali giggles] Very fuckin’ protective of that shit.
Ali: God… This is so hard and I’m so tired [laughs].
Austin: That’s what makes this a good episode.
Ali: Yeah, I’ve been doing this for a while.
Austin: Mm-hmm.
Ali: My name is Whole Foods — no, it isn’t…
[Austin and Keith laugh, Ali giggles in response]
Austin: What a strange alien...
Keith (over Austin, very amused): Shit, I mean you’re an alien, like “Oh on our world that’s a grocery store,” “I don’t know, it’s very common in my world.“
[Ali laughs loudly]
Keith (amused): Whole Foods… I’m so hungry.
Ali: Go get some food!
Keith: Here’s the thing, I learned that there’s a burrito stand, like down the street— like on my street—
Ali: You’ve known that for a while.
Keith: Well, no [Austin laughs]. The part I learned—thank you—The part that I learned is that they’re open until 11:30, except on Saturdays when they’re open until 2:30.
Ali: That’s not good. These are all bad.
Keith: This is bad. But I can’t just go get food, because—
Austin: Uh, Ali? You know people could see this, right?
Ali: [laughing] I know that people can see that these are all bad!
Austin: Okay.
Ali: Um, my name is … Blush…
Keith: Oh, are you not doing “Whole Foods”?
[Ali snorts]
Austin: Blush WholeFoods, got it.
Ali (through laughter): Blush WholeFoods… (normally) Um… Blush Gosling.
Austin: Okay. Boom, got it. Good alien engineer.
Ali: Mhmm! … [Austin: Okay—] Sometimes you just need to look at like, actors—
Austin: I gotcha. That’s totally— Yep, I’m with you [Ali giggles]. Alright. So now, what you have is; a consortium uniform with built-in vac-suit for space walks; a super sweet space phone/camera/communicator/scanner-thing with a universal translator; a variable beam phase pistol set to stun, usually. What I need is— What your player goal is: get your character involved in crazy space adventures and try to make the best of them, and your character goal is, choose one or create your own: become captain—remember the captain is currently in, like, a medical pod—; meet sexy aliens; shoot bad guys; find new worlds; solve new space mysteries; prove yourself; or keep being awesome, you have nothing to prove.
[Ali mmm’s interestedly]
Austin: So, pick one of those.
Ali: Do we have to communicate it?
Austin: Yes.
Ali: Oh, okay.
Austin: ‘Cause otherwise I can’t [Ali: Right.] build a game around it.
Ali: [giggles] Fair!
Art: I’d sure love to solve some weird space mysteries.
(overlapped)
Austin: Yeah, okay.
Ali: Oh, okay.
Keith: I guess I would like to… meet sexy aliens.
[Art laughs]
Ali: Mhmm.
Keith: Because, that’s what we’re doing. [Ali snorts] Today.
Austin: Uh huh.
Ali: Um, I would like to prove myself.
[Austin makes a sound of acknowledgment]
Art: I would like to say that I think a sexy doctor could wanna become captain.
Ali: Yeah, a sexy doctor can do anything that he wanted to.
Austin: Sexy doctor— Yeah, exactly. There’s no requirements here.
[Keith mhmm’s inquisitively]
Ali: Yeah…
Keith: Listen— I mean, here’s the thing: my goal can be “meet sexy aliens” and then I could still become captain.
Austin: Well, I do like the notion of the sexy doctor’s like, “I—everyone just thinks of me as a sexy doctor [laughs]. I’m a great leader, and I understand all the protocol of being—[laughs], the captain.”
[Ali laughs]
Austin: But you can meet sexy aliens, that’s fine.
Keith: Yeah. I mean— Hmm… Again, I’m not ruling out “become captain”, but I think that uh… if it happens, it happens. I deserve it, but if it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen!
Austin: Alright. Players, create the ship. As a group, pick two strengths for the Raptor: fast, nimble, well-armed, powerful shields, superior sensors, cloaking device, fighter craft.
Ali: Mhmm.
Austin: And then you also have to pick one problem.
Keith: Art, what was your character goal?
Austin: He’s an explorer boy, he wants to solve space mysteries.
Ali (over Austin): He’s solving mysteries.
Keith (over Ali): Solve weird space mysteries? Okay. Can I… I’m just going to put my two out there for what we’ve chosen, we might want to be “nimble” and “powerful shields”.
Ali: I’m going to put my foot down on “grim reputation” and then you guys can choose the other two.
Austin: Mmm… I’ll read what that means, right now, which is: on top of the two good things, you also have to pick one bad thing, one problem, which is: fuel hog, always needs energy crystals; only one medical pod, and Captain Darcy’s in it; horrible circuit breakers, in battle consoles tend to explode on the bridge; and grim reputation, Captain Darcy did some bad stuff in the past.
Keith: I’m fine with grim reputation.
Art: Yeah, that’s the best one.
(overlapped)
Austin: Yes.
Keith: Yeah.
[pause, Austin types on his keyboard]
Keith: Are we, uh— Is there a counterpoint to “nimble” and, uh.... “Nimble” and “powerful shields”?
Ali: Um… Let me look at the—
Art (over Ali): What about “well armed” and “cloaking device”?
Ali: Hmm…
Keith: Hmm…
Ali: Hmm…
Austin: Well, there’s something good you can do there, which is, let me pitch this— You don’t have to, this isn't… What if part of the grim reputation was like, “Oh, you’re a shitty stealth kill-ship, and then Captain Darcy got knocked the fuck out,” and finally you’re free from Captain Darcy’s shitty, like, he’s a bad dude, and the Consortium are bad people, and now you run the ship and have this chance to do something else with it? But you have the reputation of being The Raptor, the greatest attack ship ever in The Consortium.
[pause]
Austin: Which would be why you have cloaking devices and powerful weapons.
Ali: Right.
Austin: Which is not what you need to become a good exploration… like, ship.
Keith: Right, or to meet aliens, or to prove— I guess to prove yourself, I guess, I don’t know.
Ali: Well, I can prove myself in a lot of ways.
(overlapped)
Austin: Right.
Keith: That’s— yeah. That one’s—
Austin: I’m interested in conflict of you not having those things, because that’s how I do [Ali: Right], but I'm totally open— It’s not my choice. You, as a group, should decide this.
Ali: I like the idea of a spaceship being nimble?
[Austin mmm’s in acknowledgment]
Ali: But, y’know.
(overlapped)
Art: Yeah, no, I like—I mean, I was just throwing that out there.
Keith: I mean, it can be nimble and—
Art: We can do nimble and powerful shields, too. I’m not—
Ali: [gasps] Hello!
Keith: Oh? Hello?
Austin: Yeah? We’re all here.
Ali: Hello.
Keith: Hello?
Austin: We’re all here. Hey, Keith.
Keith: Hi, my— Sorry, I was dropping, that was me.
Austin: Uh huh.
Keith: Um… Yeah. Maybe we— I think we could cut it down the middle, with the same sort of premise, we could be “nimble” and “cloaking device”. We cloak, then get in, then blow something up, then get out.
Ali: Right.
Austin: Hmm… You wouldn’t be “well-armed”.
Keith: Which is— No.
Ali: Oh…
Keith: We wouldn’t be well-armed, but it’s like a sneaky bullshit thing, where it’s like, “This isn’t even a powerful ship, it’s just killing everyone because it’s invisible!”
[Austin chuckles]
Ali: Right, It’s— Yeah. So it’s not even—
Austin (over Ali): Or maybe it’s not even shooting anybody with guns, maybe it’s literally dropping people off, or—
Ali (over Austin): Right, It’s like a ground team sort of thing.
Austin: —y’know, dropping off assassins, or something.
Ali: Yeah.
Keith: Right.
Austin: It isn’t dropping out of cloak and then blasting people [Ali: Yeah], it’s something else.
Ali: Right.
Keith: Or even, just like, puncturing the side of the ship real quick and—
Austin: It’s totally up to y’all.
Keith: Yeah.
Austin: I’ve written down “nimble”, because everyone seemed set on “nimble”.
Keith: I like “nimble”. I like “nimble” for our ship.
Austin: I’ve written down “grim reputation”, ‘cause Ali put her foot down and it’s Ali’s night.
Keith: Right.
Ali: [giggles] Um… I like the ground team idea.
Austin (over Ali): I lost everyone.
Ali: Hello?
Keith: No, no, hi.
Art: What?
Keith: We’re here.
Austin (reading what he types out loud): I lose connection.
Ali (reading chat): Oh, maybe.
Keith: Oh, discord maybe having an issue, ‘cause the same thing just happened to me.
Austin: I did, I lost connection.
Keith: Hey, Austin!
Austin: Hi, I’m back.
Keith: Hi.
Ali: Hello?
Austin: Hi!
Ali: Hey!
Austin: I’m back now.
Keith: Hi. We could hear you, it was the same thing that happened to me, I think.
Ali: Yeah.
Austin: Yes, that is what happened [Keith: Yeah]. Okay, have you picked another thing besides “nimble”?
Keith: I think we all like “cloaking device”, right?
Austin: Okay.
Art: Yeah.
Ali: Yeah.
Austin: Sounds good! “Nimble” and “cloaking device” … and “grim reputation”.
Ali: Yes.
Keith: Yeah.
Austin: Okay. So, when you— I’m gonna read off these rules again and we’ll move on to a starting scenario—
Keith: Alright, we’re accidentally piloting “Slave 1”, is what is happening.
Austin: [laughs] Yeah, basically.
Ali: Accidentally…
Austin: Mhmm…
Keith: I didn’t think of it until just now!
Austin: “Rolling the dice: When you do something risky, roll one d6 to find out how it goes. You roll an additional one dice if you are prepared, and roll an additional dice on top of that if you’re an expert. I will tell you how many dice to roll based on your character and the situation. Roll your dice and compare each die to the results of your number. If you’re using ‘Lasers’, then you want to roll under whatever your number is. If you’re using ‘Feelings’, you want to roll over whatever your number is. If none of your dice succeed, it goes wrong. The GM says how things get worse. If one die succeeds, you barely manage it. The GM inflicts complication, harm, or cost. If two dice succeed, you do it well, good job! If three dice succeed, you get a critical success. The GM tells you some extra effect you get. If you roll your number exactly [chuckles], you have Laser Feelings—
[Keith bursts into laughter, Ali gasps and ooh’s]
Austin: “You get a special insight into what’s going on. Ask the GM a question and they’ll answer you honestly. Some good questions: ‘What are they really feeling?’, ‘Who’s behind this?’, ‘How can I get to blank’, ‘What should I be on the lookout for?’, ‘What’s the best way to blank’, ‘What’s really going on here?’. You can change your action if you want to, then roll again. Helping: If you want to help somebody else who’s rolling, say how you try to help and make a roll. If you succeed, give them plus one dice.”
Ali: Okay.
Austin: I have already rolled out a space adventure from this procedural space adventure thing.
Ali: [laughs] Okay.
Austin: Um. I don’t know that it fits the thing we did, but I’ll make it work!
[Ali giggles]
Austin: “GM: run the game. Play what find out how they defeat the threat. Introduce the threat by showing evidence of it’s recent badness [Ali snorts]. Before threat happens to the characters, show signs that it’s about to happen, then ask them what they do, as in ‘Zorgon charges the [laughs] mega cannons on his ship. What do you do?’, or ‘Danela, sorry, Daneela pours you a glass of Arcturan whiskey and slips her arm around your waist. What do you do?’ Call for a roll if the situation is uncertain. Don’t pre-plan outcomes, let the chips fall where they may. Use failures to push the action forward. The situation always changes after a roll, for good or ill. Ask questions and build on the answers. For instance, ‘Have any of you encountered a Void Cultist before? Where? What happened?’ Uh, the answer is “Yes”, and she was in Memorum—Memur… Uh [Ali laughs]. Memoriam College, and whew. That was a whole thing, huh?
Ali: Uh huh, and we recently met some more, depending on—
Austin: Sure, yuh-huh.
Ali: Uh huh!
Austin: Spoilers, please. Um… Alright, so I want to start this not inside the ship. I wanna start this in a place where the ship is docked, and we are in a space bar. Are we on a space station out in space, or are we in a landed, like a planet, thing… Or a moon or something.
Ali: Space station.
Austin: Alright, space station.
Ali: Oh… No. We didn’t get any colonies in COUNTER/Weight and I’m still upset about it. We’re in a space station.
Austin: Wait, you’re mad we didn’t get colonies, and now you’re saying you’re not gonna be on a colony?
Ali: That’s—
Keith (over Ali): No, she’s saying— She’s mad we that didn’t get colonies in COUNTER/Weight and that’s why she’s changing her mind to “we’re on a planet”.
Ali: No!
Austin: No?
Ali: I mean, “colonies” like Gundam colonies, which is like—
Austin (over Ali): Oh! Like those colonies
Ali: —a space station.
Austin: Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got you.
Keith: Oh! Okay.
Austin: You’re talking— In my mind it was a smaller space station. Not like a “side” [Ali: Oh], not like a Gundam side. But we could do those, it could be that. So it’s a massive space colony, that’s big as, like a— A massive asteroid in size— Maybe it’s built into a massive asteroid, actually. You can’t even see any of the asteroid left at this point, and there is a fog all around the asteroid that’s like, being projected up from these huge, silver, uh… Almost like spray cans that come out at different points on the asteroid, that’s constantly aerosoling out a fake atmosphere around this place, so you don’t need to wear your space helmets, but everybody keeps them nearby, just in case.
Keith (sarcastically): Oh, yeah. I bet that’s all that’s in there, just breathable air, totally normal!
Ali (through laughter): Jesus Christ...
Austin: You are at this bar and these space asteroid’s rockets are moving it so it’s moving to it’s sunset phase? ‘Cause it’s just like completely artificially creates a fake day-night cycle on this huge space colony, on this asteroid. And as the sun is setting, the three of you are in this bar. The Captain, again, Captain Darcy is back on the ship, knocked out in one of his medical pods, when Captain Darcy’s biggest enemies walks into the bar [Ali gasps]. What did Captain Darcy do to them?
Keith: Uh, Oh! Scored two points higher on the captain exam.
[Ali laughs]
Austin: Oh, so it’s like a— Okay. So it’s another Consortium Captain, who got assigned a worse ship. Instead of The Raptor, it’s— What are those little dinosaurs called, in Jurassic Park?
Art: Which ones?
Keith: Long necks?
Austin (tiredly): [sighs] I said the little ones and you said “long necks”.
Keith: Oh, Petrie.
[Ali wheezes]
Austin: … (amused) That’s from The Land Before Time, my friend.
[Ali sighs]
Austin (reading what he types out loud): “Small dinosaurs, Jurassic Park?”
Ali: I’m only thinking of the Jurassic Park game where you fight the really little ones? [laughs]
Austin: Me too. Those are the ones I’m talking about! Compys! They’re called “Compys”. The Comps— Compsig—whatevers. I don’t know my dinosaurs.
Keith: Same.
Austin: Um. Comp-sog-nathus. So this guy’s name is Spring Ginger, and Spring is the captain of The Compy, and he comes over and he has like a... The uniforms in The Consortium are color coded, and they’re color-coded by duty, not by rank. And so, you’re all in these dope black uniforms, because you’re from an assassin crew? And he is wearing sort of a pee-yellow uniform [Keith laughs] ‘cause his job is literally to go clean up after any assassinations that The Consortium does. He’s basically the cleaner and literally— Not just like, “Oh, I’m cleaning things up,” but like, paying off the local officials to make sure no one gets in trouble, like collecting evidence, recovering unspent ammo, all of that shit.
Keith: It’s a very important job.
(overlapped)
Ali: Very important.
Austin: It is! It is a super important job.
Austin: But not very prestigious. And he comes over and he’s like— He’s in his yellow onesie. He keeps his helmet on at all times. And he’s like looking at his, uh… He doesn’t have gloves on, ‘cause he’s looking at his fingernails. It’s very important to me that he’s looking at his fingernails, and rubbing back and forth on one of them. He’s like filing one down with a thumb-file he has attached?—
Ali: Ew! In public? Ugh.
Austin: Oh yeah, totally.
Ali: Hate this guy.
Austin: Um…
Austin (as Spring, in a stereotypical cocky rival voice): Heh, Astley Spakes, Chip Polaris, Blush Gosling. You’re not so hot, not with without your captain. What a bunch of you guys doing on The Big A? … That’s the asteroid.
[Ali snorts and laughs]
Austin: We’re leaning into bad sci-fi. We’re doing it.
Ali (through laughter, squeaking): Yup…
Keith (as Astley, unimpressed): Is that what the “A” is? The “A”s for “asteroid”?
Austin (as Spring): It’s for a bunch of things.
Keith (as Astley): Yeah? What else?
Austin (as Spring): Albuquerque.
Keith (as Astley): One.
Austin (as Spring): …Appleton.
Keith (as Astley): Two.
Austin (as Spring): …Afghanistan.
Keith (as Astley): [cross] Three. You passed, nice job.
Ali: [cross] [sound of doubt] That’s two locations.
Art: [cross] Yeah, I think a lot of people call this “The Big Afghanistan”. Um...
[Ali and Austin laugh]
Art (as Chip): I’m not— I think you’re gonna have to talk to a superior officer. I don’t think we’re, uh, we’re allowed to tell you what we’re doing here.
Ali (as Blush): Mhmm.
Austin (as Spring): Well I mean, which one of you— I’ve heard rumors, that your little captain went sleepy-bye. Which means one of you have to start answering for the ship … Or, I don’t know, maybe I could call in a favor with the up—the up—The up and ups.
Austin: That’s what the higher ranks are called.
Keith: Mhmm.
Austin (as Spring): And, huh, get a field transition onto the ship! And take it over and be the new captain.
Keith (over Austin): What’s his name again?— Wait, sorry. Hold on.
(overlapped)
Keith (as Astley): What’s your name again?
Austin (as Spring, cockily): My name’s Spring Ginger.
[Ali snorts]
Austin (as Spring): Thank you.
Keith (as Astley, in a low voice): You’re welcome. Listen, Ginger, I think we got this all figured out. We don’t need your help with anything. (normally) Got our captain, uh, in hibernation, he’s healing up. We don’t know if he’s coming back, but we don't need you,
Ali (as Blush): Yeah. And even if you requested it, they wouldn’t give it to a cleaner.
Keith (as Astley): Listen, big Afghanistan is... really big, and ... I’m sure there’s someone better suited for the job than you.
Austin (as Spring): [scoffs, sighs].
Austin: He, like—[scoffs], and tosses some of his nail file clippings on the ground at your feet,
Ali (as Blush): Ew!
Art (through laughter): That’s fuckin’ gross.
Austin (as Spring): Yeah, we’ll see who’s laughing when Zorgon comes.
Ali (as Blush): You might want to clean that up, buddy.
Austin (as Spring): Nah, this isn’t my territory.
Keith (as Astley): No, littering, we don’t… abide that here. You’re gonna have to pick that up.
[pause]
Austin: He’s just like [Ali laughs],
Austin (as Spring): [inhales] Nah.
Keith (as Astley, in a low voice): Hey, Ginger. Live green or die.
[Ali squeals in laughter, Art laughs]
Austin: And he’s like:
Austin (as Spring, through clenched teeth): Damn it!
Austin: And then he kneels down and picks it up, because you said the thing!— [Ali wheezes] You’ve said the thing that we all— This whole culture agrees with!
[Ali shrieks in laughter, Art and Keith laugh]
Austin: You’ve reminded him of his patriotism! And he—[sound of frustration], picks up each of the individual—[sound of frustration].
(overlapped)
Art: I appreciate that you said that in a sexy way.
Keith: Have you guys seen Wet, Hot, American Summer?
[Ali laughs]
Keith (to Art): Thank you [laughs]. (to everyone) I don’t know if anybody seen Wet, Hot, American Summer, but if you have, just the scene where Paul Rudd is picking up pieces of waffle off the floor? [Austin laughs] That’s the thing.
Austin (as Spring, mumbling vindictively): Wish you weren’t so sexy…
[Ali shrieks in laughter, Art laughs]
Austin: He walks— He, like, stomps away. But it does stick with you that he did mention Zorgon The Conqueror, who you’re pretty sure you dealt with already. Like, the last mission that you were on was to get rid of one of Zorgon’s lower lieutenants, ‘cause like they were the only ones left from the huge alien crime syndicate that Zorgon had built. You’ve taken out Carlt—It’s like “Carl” but with a “T” at the end [Ali giggles]—and Zorgon, at that point, Zorgan had been killed. You killed Zorgon like a year ago as far you’re sure he is— far as you and Captain Darcy were concerned. And then, you’ve been cleanup duty yourself, in a sense, of killing all the other heads of the crime syndicate. So now, as far as you know, that shouldn’t be worrying you at all. The only thing that you know is that the next mission is to go get the last of the Zorgonites, who is named Flexion, who lives deep inside sort of a subspace tunnel? Like a quantum tunnel, on another space station that’s permanently caught between two warp zones basically—er, like gates, y’know? … And you can go there as soon as you want, or you could, y’know, Captain Darcy is still knocked out so, it’s— I guess that’s my question. Are you doing the mission, or are you just gonna hang out here or what?
Keith (as Astley): [stretches and sighs] I’m not worried,
(overlapped)
Art (as Chip): I think we have to do the mission—
Keith (as Astley): Flexion’s half the—
Ali (as Blush): I think we have to do the mission.
Art (as Chip): If we stick around here, he’s gonna get that field promotion, like… If we stay here we’re gonna be working for that—for Spring Ginger.
Ali (as Blush): Yeah! What are we gonna do? He wakes up and then we’re working for another guy? That’s gonna be horrible.
Art (as Chip): Yeah.
Keith (as Astley): Alright.
Austin: A waiter comes over and leaves the bill. Astley, the waiter’s number is on that bill, with a little winky face.
Keith: I wink back.
Austin: The number is also incredibly long because it’s the future [Ali giggles]. It’s like 3312—
Keith: Um, I—
Austin: —5557 and then an alien numeral, and then another 12 characters.
Keith: I take it, I pay the bill, and instead of writing my number back I just write, “Thanks.”
Austin: [laughs] God…
Ali (through laughter): That’s so good…
Art: Breaking hearts at every port!
Ali (through laughter): That’s so good! [wheezes]
Austin: [sighs] Okay. So you head back to the ship?
Keith: Yeah.
Ali: Um… Yeah!
Austin: What’s the ship look like from the outside? Also is the cloaking device on now? [laughs]
Ali: No…
Austin: Okay.
Keith: No, we don’t get into an invisible ship?
Ali: We’re like ported at our home base.
Austin (over Ali): Yeah. You’re at The Big A.
Art: Yeah, not now we don’t, but in the opening credits [Ali: Yes], there’s definitely a shot of us jumping into an invisible ship, absolutely.
Ali: Right.
[Austin giggles]
Ali: From a dangerous planet, not just this bar that we’re at.
Austin: Uh huh. Okay, so you get back in— What does it look like from the outside?
Ali: Um…
Keith: Invisi— It’s invis… It’s invisible.
Austin (in slight disbelief): We just said—
(overlapped)
Ali (exasperated): Literally—
Keith (amused): Yeah, I know, I know, I know!
Austin: God damn it!
Keith (amused): I just wanted to say that, come on! (normally) Uh…
Ali: I think it’s, like, more round than it is hard edges?
Keith: I was gonna say the same thing. That’s—
Austin: Okay. I’m good with that.
Art: I was gonna say the opposite [Keith: Well, okay], but I’m here with the majority, here.
(overlapped)
Keith: I’m saying—
Austin: It’s how democracy works, right? So—
Keith: Smooth is stealthier than jagged corners.
Austin: What color is it? [Ali: Yeah.] Is it like, silver?
Keith: It’s the same color as the suit, I bet.
Austin: So, it’s black.
[Ali ooh’s]
Keith: It’s black with accents, do we have accents on the suit or is it jet black?
Austin: You tell me.
Keith: I’m gonna say it’s white— Like, bright white, but really small accents, so they really stand out.
[Ali ooh’s]
Austin: Okay. Nice. I like that.
Art: Like piping, right? It’s like lines, it’s not like—
Keith: Yes [Ali: Yeah]. Exactly that.
Ali: And our, like, squad symbol is really big on our chest ‘cause we’re important.
Austin: Right.
Art: Yeah, and on the ship.
Ali: Yes.
Austin: Alright, you get back in. Is there more crew or is it just you three? Like, was the crew four before the captain got overcome by this strange psychic entity known as “Something Else”, or is there a crew of another 5 people, or—
Keith: I think it’s— yeah. I think it’s a full crew.
[Ali mmm’s doubtfully]
Keith: Right?
Ali: So, I think—
Keith (over Ali): It is like the most— It’s one of the most important ships, right? [Austin: Yeah, but its—] It’s probably pretty big.
Ali: I think—
Austin (over Ali): Like, what are they doing, is my question.
Keith: Okay.
Austin: Go ahead, Ali.
Ali: I think it’s a full crew, but we’re the only people who touch ground? ‘Cause we’re the people who do all the dirty work.
Austin: Oh… Okay.
Art: Except like, probably at a stop like this, right? This is where people, like…
Austin: Mhmm.
(overlapped)
Austin: So, what we’re seeing is a bunch of people—
Art: Oversee supply changes, and like— Yeah.
Austin: Like, coming back in and there’s like, whatever the shitty sci-fi empire equivalent of “all aboard” basically? I think what happens is someone shoots a flare gun into the air, which ignites a stripe of color in the fog I described before. There’s just this sudden black line, that runs through that dispersed mist, that inside of that black column, now, there’s another— There’s a slim white line inside of that. And so, that’s the call signal for your ship. And so, over the next— I think there’s that great, like “boop!”, almost like shooting a grenade out of a grenade launcher from Terminator 2, do you know what I mean? That’s the sound it makes, and over the next fifteen minutes it does that two or three times, and the crew returns. So, what are your roles on the ship itself? In terms of like, while the ship is in flight.
Keith: Uh, I’m a doctor.
Austin: Yeah, you’re in the doctor quarters, I gotcha. Art and Ali? Sorry, Chip and Blush?
Ali: I was an engineer.
Austin: Mhmm. … So are you just in engineering, or are you in the flight deck?
Ali: [sighs] I think… I think I’m on the flight deck and mostly what I do is, like, while we’re in transportation I check on the ship’s.... It’s status, basically.
Austin: Yeah, totally. And then, Chip?
Art: Yeah, I think I’m on the bridge. I think it’s almost like a navigational role, like—
Austin: Okay. Like, not pilot, but—
Art: I’m advising the pilot and the captain.
Austin: Gotcha, cool. So then, the pilot’s name is Orange, Orange Promise.
Ali (in the background): That’s so good.
Austin: And then… Is there anybody else you need to know here? I don’t think so.
Art: Sounds a little bit like a cleaner, though, right?
Austin: A little bit, yeah. [crosstalk from Ali and Art] They used to be, Orange used to be a cleaner, and then they got an upgrade. They were the pilot of a cleaner vessel that the— Y’all did a previous mission on a planet where your original, Raptor Mark 1, was destroyed, and you got— The cleaner vessel arrived and everyone was captured, except Orange Promise hid inside the ship, and then saved the day and part of that, got promoted and joined the crew on the Raptor Mark 2. So, you like Orange a whole bunch. (reading what he’s typing out loud) “Did I disappear again?”
Keith: No, you’re good.
Ali: No, you’re here.
Art: You’re just internalizing that.
Austin: Okay.
Keith: Yeah.
Austin: Whew, whew. Okay, the other thing—
Keith (imitating Austin): Whew, whew, whew!
Austin: Whew, yeah, whew, hah. I think that’s probably the only person you need you know here. There are obviously lots of other people. Blush, what do you— What does everyone look like in general, but also, Blush you’re an alien engineer, why are you— What type of alien are you?
Ali: Um… I am… [giggles] I was gonna say some words that I’ve had saved for a while, um [laughs].
Austin: Oh! Uh huh?
Ali: [laughs]. No— I. Okay—
Austin: You have to save that for season six.
Ali: I know, I know. I just wanted to say it, (amused) I just wanted everyone on the recording to know what I’m talking about but not anybody else.
Austin: Uh huh! I got you!
Ali: Um [laughs]. I think that I… man. It’s so hard to not lean into sexy alien species, though?
Austin: Mhmm.
Ali: Especially with the setting? I think that I … I’m kinda like, lilac-skinned?
[Austin hmm’s in acknowledgment]
Ali: Um… I think that— Okay, so you know… You know a fighting fish?
Austin: Yes.
Ali: I think that my head situation is their fin situation? But like, it kind of floats,
Austin: I need to look up a fighting fish again.
[Ali laughs]
(overlapped)
Keith: You don’t know what a betta fish?—
Ali: Where it’s all like—
Austin: No, I do! But I’m trying to picture how that’s a— Their fin situation is your head?
Ali: Ye— well, no. My hair.
Austin: Oh, okay! Yes, got you.
Ali: Where it’s like— It looks as if I’m underwater all the time [Austin: Yeah], but not? Like—
Austin: I just need you to know that I’ve written this down and it just sounds like RiFF RAFF lyrics? (RiFF RAFF voice, rapping) “Lilac skin, betta fish hair,” Like—
[Keith laughs, Ali shrieks in laughter]
Ali: I think I’m mostly humanoid features? I think I’m a foot taller than everybody else?
Austin: Mhmm.
Ali: That’s all I got.
Austin: Those are all good things.
Ali: Yeah.
Austin: And then what do Chip and Astley look like?
Art: I think I wanna let— give Keith a second.
(overlapped)
Keith: Thank you!
Austin: [laughs] Okay.
Art: But I think I’m just gonna lean into the cliche here, and I’m just gonna have that, like… Chip is that straight— y’know, he’s wearing his uniform, but he’s personalized that uniform a little bit, right? Like, y’know, instead of the regular collar, he’s like, one button less than regulation, right?
[Art and Ali laugh]
Art: And, uh… Y’know, his hair probably— He probably should’ve gone and gotten his regulation haircut put in, like probably two weeks ago. Average build.
Austin: Yeah, okay.
[Ali giggles]
Austin: And Astley. Spakes.
Keith: Okay, Um… I think that… Okay, so Astley Spakes, I think best characterized by a man leaning back with his arms crossed has sort of a third day’s worth of not shaving,
Austin (amused, as if to say ‘go on’): Uh huh.
Keith: slightly tanned, not very. Sort of [Austin: This motherfucker.] thick black hair with… You can tell—- He’s older, he has a slightly receding hairline—He’s not self-conscious about it—
Austin: That’s what makes it good [Keith: Right]. That’s what makes it work.
Keith: Right, and it’s short, but not very short. It’s not like a buzz cut or anything, but it’s about an inch, maybe an inch and a half, black, sort of spiked up in the front, 80% black, 20% gray, more gray in the beard.
Austin: [Mmm’s in acknowledgment] Got you. Okay… I’m just writing down “space George Clooney”, got it. [typing] Okay.
Keith: Oh no, not like George Clooney.
Austin: Okay. Not space George Clooney.
Keith: Does not look like George Clooney.
Austin: [typing] I’m going to add that here… “Not”... put it in parenthesis also.
Keith: I do wanna say, when I was describing that in my head I was not— The thing I’m picturing is does not resemble George Clooney. Way more angular of a nose,
Austin: [typing] Uh huh?
Keith: Way bigger forehead,
Austin: [typing] Big ol’ forehead.
Keith: Not big old forehead, but bigger forehead.
Austin: [typing] Big forehead. Yeah.
Ali: George Clooney’s got a forehead on him.
Keith: Does he?
Austin: That boy got a forehead.
Keith: Let me see.
Austin: That boy got a five-head, yeah?
[Ali giggles, Keith laughs]
Keith: It’s— Ah, it’s like that but it’s not— He doesn’t have a coif like that, it’s not “up” like that. It’s sorta like, forward up.
Austin (over Keith): I desperately wanted Keith to look at a picture of George Clooney and be like, “Oh, yeah. Uh huh, yeah. Uh huh.”
[Ali and Keith laugh]
Keith (amused): No, no, I know what George Clooney looks like, It’s not like that, if anything it’s more— (normally) Imagine a sliding scale and one end is “Brad Pitt” and one end is “George Clooney”, it’s definitely closer to a Brad Pitt look.
Austin: I see. I got you.
Ali: Okay.
Austin: You’re good now. I gotcha now.
Ali: So, like the main character of Burn Notice.
Austin: Yeah! That’s exactly what I had in my head, Ali!
Keith: Like— You know what, he’s really clean cut.
Austin (over Keith): What’s that guy’s name?
Ali: Um…
Austin: Yeah, but he doesn’t have to be. There’s probably a season where he got less clean cut.
Keith: It is sort of like—
Ali (over Keith): Michael Donovan, I think is his name?
Keith: It is kinda like this guy, but not as the worst [laughs] as his look. This looks like the worst!
Ali: Yeah, I like always remember him more attractive than he is [laughs].
Keith: Yeah, so it’s like Ali’s memory of this guy, [Ali explodes into giggles] instead of how he actually is.
Austin: [laughs] Okay, great. So—
Art: This guy’s fine, everyone [laughs] stop being so mean to Jeffrey Donovan.
Ali: Oh, I love him in that show.
Austin: Yes, Jeffrey Donovan—
Keith (over Austin): Wait, hold on! Have you seen Burn Notice?
Ali (incredulously): Yes!
Keith: Okay, that’s great. I’ve never met anybody— I know that it’s popular, we have to talk about it later.
Austin: Oh my god...
Ali (through laughter): Okay.
Keith: I’ve never seen it—
Austin (over Keith): We only have an hour and a half to get this episode in the can, let’s keep moving.
[Ali giggles]
Keith: Yeah, yeah, yea noh. Not now, I don’t wanna talk about it now, but eventually.
Austin: Okay. So you all take off, and leave the Big A behind, and slip into the nearest space gate, and begin to explore the quantum tunnels, and you’re heading on your way to the mysterious space station, where Flexion, the final of Zorgon The Conqueror’s lieutenants remain. Your understanding is, because of the way these space stations and the quantum tunnels work, Flexion probably doesn’t even know yet that Zorgon has been conquered. Zorgon The Conqueror is the one who’s been conquered and killed. He’s just like, off the grid in that way? Unless there’s someone from Zorgon’s group actually goes and tells him, but you killed the all rest of those people, so no one has gone to tell him yet. But on the way, through the quantum tunnels, [laughs] Ali, thanks for bringing up the picture of the guy from Burn Notice. As you’re going through the tunnels, Chip, you sense a strange physical force that’s shoving this ship around. You’re not quite sure where it’s coming from. What do you do?
Art: I try to get a readout from the sensors— the scanners, whatever, uh….
Austin: Alright. That, to me, sounds like “Lasers”. So you’re going to roll your dice and hope to go under your “Lasers”. You are… Let’s see what your stats are.
Art: I’m a three.[1]
Austin: Uh, but then you’re gonna — so you’re gonna roll one from trying to do it. I’m going to give you one more for being an explorer. So that’s 2d6… You are not prepared for this, so just roll 2d6.
Art: Okay, I have one that’s under 3.
Austin: Okay, so that means that you barely manage it, the GM inflicts a complication, harm, or cost. You know what? Roll one more, because you’re nimble, and I’m gonna give you — that, to me, counts as a preparation, so roll one more and we’ll see where we’re at.
Art: Too high.
Austin: Too high, so you get one success. One die succeeds. Um. Okay. The thing that you notice is that the — Flexion’s base deep in the quantum fields is putting out some sort of like… force wave that is coming in and knocking the Raptor off course, and you can do one of two things. Either you can try to charge it in, head on, and risk taking damage, but get in before Flexion has a chance to actually prepare, because now he will have noticed you. Or you can go the safe way, let him prepare, but not risk getting the ship damaged anymore. The interim — who’s the interim captain? Is there an interim captain, or is everyone just kind of — like who’s stepped up in this scenario?
Art: Um.
Austin: Actually, this is actually a really good thing.
Art: Am I cutting out, or are other people cutting out?
Keith, Ali, Austin: Uh.
Keith: [cross] No one’s cutting out, for me.
Ali: [cross] I’m not cutting anything out.
Austin: No one’s talking, yeah. Uh. No one — at this point no one knows what to do, like everyone turns to look at the empty seat where Captain Darcy once sat. And everyone is getting incredibly nervous.
[Keith sighs]
Ali: Wait —
Austin: The pilot is freezing. Uh, Orange Promise — who, again, they are a fantastic pilot — is just like.
[as Orange]: [voice shaking] Uh… Someone’s gotta give me a command!
Ali: W —
Art [as Chip]: Push through!
[Ali snorts]
Austin: Uh. Give me a Feelings roll. Bye, Sean. Sean’s leaving. Go to bed.
Ali: Bye, Sean!
Art: Aw, bye, Sean.
Austin: And for this I’m gonna give you also two dice. Because you are a hotshot, which is going to give you a bonus one. So 2d6.
Art and Austin: Boom!
Art: Wait, was this — this was low, right?
Austin: Oh, wait. This was Feelings, you wanna roll over your number. Boom, bad.
Art: Aw.
Austin: Uh-oh. [laughs] Uh, Orange shakes his head, and he goes.
[as Orange]: Listen, Chip, you’re a good guy, but you’re no captain! I can’t do anything without the captain. Oh, this was a mistake! I should have stayed a cleaner!
Chip: Oh, that’s not true.
Austin: And begins to —
Chip: You’re great at this.
Austin: Begins — aw.
Ali [as Blush]: Relax, buddy.
Austin: He begins to veer to the safer route, but because he’s hesitated, he does it slowly, and a second wave slams into the side of the ship, and the cloaking device begins to act up. You’re flickering in and out of visibility, both to sensors and sight. In fact, the whole interior is flickering in and out of visibility. It goes to being like, oh yeah, I’m on the bridge to, the bridge is gone and I’m floating by myself in the quantum fields.
Ali: Can I… like move some of the power to — like, nonessential parts of the ship to the cloaking whatever?
Austin: Sure, give me a Lasers roll.
Ali: Okay. That’s 1d6?
Austin: You are an Engineer, so take another one, you’re an expert.
Ali: Okay.
Austin: But you are not — there’s no other bonus, so yeah, just 2d6.
Ali: Okay. That’s an 11. [cross] That’s a 6 and a 5.
Austin: You wanted those to roll under your number. And your number is 3, so neither of those work.
Ali: [dismayed noise] Whoa…
Austin: It’s all happening so ffast that you can’t see the screen. You’re an alien. You’re always translating things anyway. You already have to read their weird space language that’s different than your intuitive alien language — or whatever your alien language is, maybe it’s not intuitive, maybe it’s the opposite — and because the screens are flickering in and out because of the way the cloaking device is fucking up, you can’t get a read on it in order to correctly move stuff around, and instead of moving stuff from the inessential systems, you move them over from the essential systems. And so eventually the entire — the ship stops flickering in and out, and is kind of hovering there for a second, like it goes like [powering down] “bwwooo.” And everyone can see the bridge again, and then like, [alarm] “bwamp bwamp bwamp bwamp — “ as all of the air begins leaving through an airlock. And the gravity — whatever the zero — what am I thinking of? The artificial gravity stops working and things start floating through the air. Immediately, someone slams themselves into a wall. And this is all happening right outside of your office, Astley. People are screaming and yelling. What do you do?
Keith: I was — I was just about to say,
[as Astley]: I’m going to come out and fi — are you guys messing things up out here?
Keith: And the zero gravity, by the way, makes my hair look actually even better, more in place.
[Austin laughs deeply]
Keith: It’s like floating in exactly the right spot.
Ali: Mine too, actually.
Austin: Everyone looks great out here. Actually, that’s weird, because —
Art: Dashing hair all around.
Austin: Blush, your hair is already floating all over the place, so is it doubly floaty right now?
Ali: Yeah, the fake gravity isn’t fucking it up now.
Austin: Um. Astley, the thing that you notice is that Orange is completely, like, locked up.
Keith: [cross] Uh, I’m going to float —
Austin: [cross] Their hands — mm-hm.
Keith: I’m gonna float over abd buckle myself into the captain’s chair.
[someone holds back laughter]
Austin: Okay! Astley’s just buckled himself into the captain’s chair. That doesn’t do anything by itself.
Keith: No.
Austin: More waves are coming soon.
Keith [as Astley]: Orange. Keep going forward.
Austin: [frightened voice] Give me a roll. This is a Feelings roll. Which means you want it to be higher than your number. Your number is 4.
Keith: Sure. Yeah. Wait, hold on. I think that you’re telling me the opposite of what I picked based on.
Austin: If you are using — oh my god. We were so clear.
Keith: I didn’t — it was not clear. Because that’s what I said originally. You wanna roll lower than your number for Feelings, is what you said. ‘Cause I originally said higher, then you said no, you have the opposite.
Austin: You wanna roll higher than the number for Feelings. You want a low number.
Keith: All right then, well, my number’s 3.
Austin: Okay, well, now you’re number’s 3. You haven’t rolled anything, so I’m letting you do this.
Keith: I haven’t rolled anything. Yeah.
Austin: Okay.
Keith: This is not my fault, I was told that I was wrong when I was right.
Austin: I was reading from the book.
Ali: [croaking] You were wrong…
Austin: GIve me one die.
Keith: One die?
Austin: Yeah, cause you’re not — you’re a doctor, you’re not a captain, and you’re not being sexy to do this, thankfully.
Keith: You — wait, hold on, I might be.
[Ali laughs]
Austin: Okay, are you?! How are you being sexy with Orange?
Keith: I winked at him.
Austin: Okay… Give me the roll. Give me two. Two dice. [pause] Hey! You got over the number. Good job. [cross] You would have even gotten over them if they were 4s.
Art: [cross] Such a sexy mutiny.
Keith: Yeah.
Austin: So you get 2, and Orange goes like —
[as Orange]: Yes, Captain! Of course!
Austin: And they —- this thing has a wheel, in my mind, for some reason, even though it’s a big old spaceship, and they just start like hand-over-hand turning it back towards the waves, and they pull up just as the next wave comes, and they catch it, as if it’s a wave in the ocean, and like do like a surf jump off of it. Good news, you’re gonna make it to the space station before Flexion can get their like remaining military people together or whatever. Bad news, you’re still flying through space with no — gravity, which means that like everything is — you’re still all floating around, except for those of you who’ve strapped yourselves into chairs. On the way in, enough people get injured that like you’re not able to man whatever weapons you have on this ship. You’re down half staff. But you’re able to make it to the space station successfully, and Blush, you’re able to get the cloaking device back activated. So eventually you make it in close enough that you now have — you’re kind of orbiting the station. In my mind, the station is like a needle floating in space, like it’s a thin, tall structure where the waves were emanating outwards, and the closer you get to it, it’s almost like a shoreline in reverse, where the closer you get to the shore — the closer that you get to the center of where the waves are coming from, the calmer it is. So it’s almost as if you’re going to the shore, and the waves are kind of like not a big deal anymore. And you’re now orbiting the Flexion’s space station. What are you doing?
[Art sighs]
Ali: What was our mission here again?
Austin: Ah, come kill this dude.
Ali: Okay.
Keith: Come kill this dude.
Ali: Okay. Hm.
Keith: So is there like — are there injuries on board, are people fine?
Austin: Oh, yeah. No, there are definitely — there are lots of injuries on board.
Keith: All right, so how bad is it? Do I have doctors or like — [cross] nurses or assistants?
Austin: [cross] You are the doctor on board. Uh, you probably have an assistant.
Keith: I have an assistant? Okay. Um.
Austin: Uh, your assistant’s name is Burton Shayde.
Keith: Okay.
[as Astley]: How bad are the injuries?
Austin [as Burton]: [sighing] Oh, man…
Astley: Burton, do you have this?
Burton: They’re bad, Astley —
Astley: Is this you, or is this me?
Burton: — no, this is — gonna be both of us and a couple long nights.
Astley: Are they stable, or is like — if I go…
Burton: All right, let me go through the list.
Austin: And Burton pulls up like a space iPad, which is just like a regular iPad except you can see through it. But then Burton hits the mode that changes it so you can’t see through it, so you can actually read it. And the list is like. How big is the crew?
Keith: Twenty… eight.
Ali: Fifteen.
Art: Yeah, I though it was like — I though we were in the fifteen… range.
Keith: Yeah! I’ll go — yeah, fifteen!
Austin: Okay, then eight people have life — no. There are eight people injured, three of them have life-threatening injuries that Burton is convinced that he can stabliize. Then there are another four people with injuries that he is not convinced he can stabilize and could get way worse. And then there’s one person who has like a bruised knee but is like kinda being a baby, and is like, [weird voice] I need a — [Keith laughs] — give me the health spray! Spray the health spray on my knee!
Astley: Yeah, yeah, whatever, Hank! No, you’re fine! You’ll go last!
Austin [as HANK]: I’ll wait.
Astley: Even admitting that you can wait is enough for me to know that you were faking.
HANK: You’re right.
Austin [as Burton]: So — yeah, man, I — [sighs]. If you go out there… We might come back to some, yknow, some empty chairs.
Astley: Hey, no.
Burton: ‘Cause they’ll be — [quieter] they’ll be dead.
Keith: I put — this is Burton?
Burton: It’s me, Burton. Burton Shayde.
Keith: Burton. I put my hands on Burton’s shoulders.
[as Astley]: [sincerely but quietly] Burton. You and I? We got this. We can do this.
Burton: Why…? [whispers] Sir, you can — why are you whispering?
Astley: [very quietly] We can do this.
Keith: And then I —
Austin: Give me three dice. [laughs] And you wanna roll high here, remember. You’re gonna roll over your number, of 3.
Keith: Where’s got — so I should roll…
Austin: 3d6.
Keith: Oh, I’m trying to — [laughs] I’m trying to type it into Twitch, I was like, why isn’t this working! [Austin and Ali laugh loudly] It was like, unrecognized command, I was like, what?! [Austin laughs] 3d6. [Art laughs dryly] So that’s one success.
Austin: That’s one success. Which means he goes.
[as Burton]: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we got this, don’t even worry about it, everything’s gonna go great! You just go ahead out there!
[Ali sighs]
Astley: Oh, I go ahead? I was saying — I’ll stay. But — you’re saying I can go out?
Burton: Yeah — yeah, yeah. I got it! I’m gonna prove myself as a real doctor.
[unhappy noises from Keith and Ali]
Burton: I didn’t just that doctor…ate — uh — in school for nothing. Yknow, sure it wasn’t in medical science. But I’m gonna show them I got what it takes.
Ali: Mm-hm.
Astley: All right. We’re all counting on you.
Burton: Of course!
Art: What do you think his doctorate was in?
Astley: Me, mostly. And then these two. And then the dying people. Are also counting on you.
Burton: In that order.
Ali [as Blush]: Uh-huh.
Burton: [nervous] Okay.
Astley: I trust you.
Burton: [quietly] Come back safe.
Austin: And then he tries to wink at you, but he closes both of his eyes—
Austin: — at the same time.
Astley: [supportively] Nice try.
Ali: It’s fine, Rihanna does that and it’s fine.
[Keith laughs loudly]
Austin: She’s really good at it — that’s true. [laughing] Let me tell you, Burton Shayde, Shayde spelled S-H-A-Y-D-E, is no Rihanna! [Ali laughs] [pauses] Um, so how do you get from this ship into the space station?
Art: Um, how far are we?
Austin: Keith got Laser Feelings!
Art: I thought his number was 4.
Ali: Oh!
Keith: No, ‘cause my number was 4.
Austin: No, didn’t you lower it — because you wanted to focus on emotions?
Keith: Oh! You’re right! We did change it, yeah!
Austin: [cross] We changed it! Keith, you got —
Keith: [cross] I still got a better — I got Laser Feelings!
Austin: You got Laser Feelings! Throw it all out! Thank you —
Keith: Throw it all out!
Austin: Time and patience, Laser Feelings. ‘Cause I had written down — see, this why you can’t change your number, ‘cause I get all fuckin confused.
Keith: You’re right. No, you’re right. I just got — I got all confused because everybody said I was wrong, but actually I was right, so it’s fine.
Ali: [cross] Oh my god, you were wrong.
Austin: [cross] Ask me a question!
Keith: Okay. I’m going to say… All right. What is the best way to save all of the crew?
Austin: The best way is… This is gonna sound risky, but the best way is to land the whole ship inside of the Flexion zone, and get — let Burton lead them to a medical bay there. There’s always, on all of the other Zorgon operations, there’s always been a medical bay right near the docking port, the docking bay, like right connected to it, and their medical equipment is incredible. It’s weird, like Zorgon the Conqueror pretty much specializes in medical equipment. And so like all of his stuff has just been really good, and so you can probably just take all of those people there and get them all patched up.
Keith: Okay.
Ali: Ooh.
Keith: I… I look at — Burton. Right?
Austin: Yeah.
Keith [as Astley]: Okay. Barton.
Austin [as Burton]: It’s Burton, but that’s close.
Astley: I said Burton.
Burton: You said Barton, sir.
Astley: I know you can do this.
Burton: Okay.
Astley: But. You need better equipment. We’re taking this ship, we’re gonna go to the medbay on the space station.
Burton: That sounds so dangerous!
Astley: And that’s where you’re gonna help these people. It’s fine.
Burton: Okay, [nervous laugh], well, if you say so!
[Ali laughs]
Austin: All right. Um. I think Chip is the one who has to figure out how to get into the — I guess Chip, or Blush — one of you, you two are like staring — you’re orbiting this thing and staring at the challenge, which is, there is the docking bay that has a shield on it. Like there’s like a blue flickering shield on the Flexion station. The Flexion stati… I can’t rhyme those two words, those aren’t words that can rhyme.
[Ali laughs]
Austin: And Orange is just like.
[as Orange]: [uncomfortable] I don’t know how we can get the ship in there… Shields like that, they’ll just, bzzwammp. Which is the sound of like a ship being disintegrated.
Astley: But you gotta go slow. You gotta take it easy.
Art [as Chip]: Okay. Um.
Ali [as Blush]: No, we do the opposite of that. Which is… we go through so fast, and I hack their shield, for just a second, so nobody knows.
Astley: Hey. I just strapped myself into this captain’s chair. I didn’t say I was captain.
Austin: You are in the doctor zone! You can’t be on the doctor zone and also on the bridge, we’re doing two different scenes!
Keith: No no no, sorry, hold on. Is it two different scenes? I thought this was all happening on the bridge.
Austin: No. You’re —
Keith: [cross] Okay. I left to go back — okay.
Austin: [cross] Burton was in the doctor zone —
Ali: You just had time, Keith!
Keith: That’s fine! I was just saying, I was about to relinquish captain’s spot to you, that’s what I was in the middle of doing!
Ali: [amused] Okay. Well, I sit down in the chair. I don’t need you to give it to me. I take it.
Keith: If — well, if I had been in the chair like I thought, you would have needed me to give it to you.
Austin: [snorts] Oh my god!
[Ali laughs near-silently]
Austin [as Orange]: Blush, that sounds really dangerous!
Blush: What does this team do? We take risks.
Chip: We take risks.
Blush: Darcy took every risk… that he could, and it took us this far.
Orange: Yeah, but now he’s like… in the medbay, dealing with something else.
Blush: When he wakes up, [laughing] do you want him to know that we failed this mission?
Orange: Good point…
Blush: Mm-hm.
Orange: I’ll take that under consideration.
[Ali laughs]
Austin: And he just like — er, they just grip the wheel a little tighter and go like,
ORNAGE: Mm-hm!
Austin: So do you wanna try the thing that youre saying?
Blush: Listen. All you have to do is go straight. I’m not asking you for that much.
Orange: All right…
Austin: This sounds like a thing that you could help each other with.
Ali: Okay.
Art: Yeah, I was gonna ask if I could help.
Austin: Yeah. How are you helping?
Art: Um. I think I’m trying to like — I’m there to make sure the timing goes right. She’s going to hack this shield, Orange is going to fly toward the thing for the moment, and I’m gonna be there to be like: Now!
Austin: Right.
Ali: Yeah.
Austin: All right. So give me —
Art: ‘Cause neither of them can look at each other. They’re busy.
Austin: Right. Chip, you give me your helping roll first. I’ll give you… I’ll give you two. Hotshot, to me, this sounds like a Hotshot thing to me. So 2d6.
Art: [cross] Well — if I was going low —
Austin: [cross] Yeah, this is Lasers for sure.
Art: I have Laser Feelings, and I either have a success or I don’t.
Austin: Well, if you have Laser Feelings, you have Laser Feelings. Which means you get special insight into what’s going on, and then you can change your action if you want to and roll again. So ask me a question. And I think that this is — I guess that it’s up to you in this sense, like is the thing that you’re doing, you’re waiting for the perfect moment, ‘cause that’s Lasers. If the thing that you’re doing is being inspirational when you shout, that’s Feelings.
Art: Um.
Austin: And I know we already have the dice, so we should have figured that out first, but.
Art: Yeah.
Austin: But we have Laser Feelings no matter what, which means you can reroll anyway, so it doesn’t really matter.
Art: Sure. So I do think it is low, I think it’s about the timing, I think it’s about getting it right.
Austin: Okay. So what’s your question? Anything, anything you want I’ll answer honestly.
Art: Um, yeah, uh. This is a bad question. My first instinct question is like, is this worth it?
[Ali snorts]
[Ali and Austin laugh in surprise]
Austin: Fuck. Man! Try to answer that damn question for a long time.
Art: Yeah, that’s … Yeah, that’s not a — that’s — it’s not a super objective question, either. Uh. What should I be on the lookout for?
Austin: Um, you notice it. One of the stations that’s been unmanned in the last like hour of approaching, ‘cause they got injured, was the communications array, and you see that there’s been a large amount of data sent into the ship and downloaded. Through the waves. And you have no idea what that is.
Art: Okay. Um. What the hell does that mean?
Austin: Uh, so at this point you can change your action if you want to and then roll again. Or you can just say that you do this with the one success that you had before. One success? One success.
Art: Uh, but does the Laser Feelings count as a success?
Austin: …I guess it doesn’t, actually, so you would have to reroll, yes.
Ali: Laser Feelings isn’t a success? Wait.
Art: [cross] Yeah, I’d have to reroll anyway.
Austin: [cross] Laser Feelings gives you a chance to reroll — yeah. Gives you a chance to reroll, so.
[pause]
Art: So I have to reroll anyway, I don’t know that I — ugh — I don’t know that I can… Like, what can — ‘cause this is like a helping roll, there’s no like — changing my helping by going over and doing something unrelated isn’t helping anymore, and this is really more like the next thing i do.
Austin: No, this could interrupt the current state of action, if you wanted to be like hey, stop it, or something like that.
Art: Yeah, maybe hey, stop it. Let’s see what all this data is, what if it’s fuckin our shit up?
Austin: All right, so then give me a feelings roll to see if you can stop it, stop people in time.
Art: All right.
Austin: I will, again, give you two for this.
Art: All right. And Feelings is — I’m trying to go high?
Austin: Trying to go high over 3, so you need a 4, 5, or a 6.
Art: Hey, I got Laser Feelings again, and a success!
Austin: Ah, so this time you definitely got a success, you can ask me another question. Again, you can ask me anything and I’ll answer honestly.
Art: Um. Is Orange up to this?
Austin: Yes. Orange will not be what screws this up, if it goes bad.
Art: All right, great.
Austin: And so if you get one success, that means you barely manage it, the GM inflicts complication, harm, or cost, or you could reroll again. Or you could just go with it there.
Art: Uh. I think one success is about what I should be getting on this roll.
Austin: Sure. So… You… Here’s the complication or cost, is… So what do you yell out to stop them?
Art: Um.
[as Chip]: Hang on, there’s something weird over here.
Austin: Ding! And the second you do that, the communications thing very quietly in the distance just says like: Download complete.
Keith: Hm.
Art: Uh. Okay.
Austin: Blush, how are you responding to all of this?
Ali: Um. I’m annoyed. [laughs] But, um, hm. I guess if the action is stopped anyway, we should check out what’s going on with that comms thing, can I try to translate it at all, can I recognize it?
Austin: Yeah, give me a Lasers check.
Ali: Okay.
Austin: So you’re trying to roll under your 3. You need a 1 or a 2.
Ali: Okay.
Austin: Unless you have some other way of doing it with Feelings, but I don’t think that that’s true.
Ali: I feel like I’m just doing it to get it done, ‘cause I’m like frustrated that this is…
Austin: Yeah. Oh, I guess this isn’t risky. It’s just a time thing, really. The question is like are you trying to do it quickly, or are you trying to just do it? ‘Cause if you just do it, you’ll be fine, it just means there’s gonna be time spent.
Ali: Right. No, that’s— I mean, it’s not a time-sensitive thing, I think the frustration is that I came up with a really good idea, and then… he was like no, let’s do this other thing, and that’s really frustrating. [laughs]
Austin: Yep.
Ali: As someone who wants to prove themselves.
Austin: Totally.
Ali: So that’s my argument for Feelings being the thing here.
Austin: Um, you see that the file is sent in a language that is — like, the file comes in and it is a machine-translated — it is like… What its original meaning was is already g — like you go to translate it, and you realize it’s already been translated, but it’s been translated through like 2006-era Babelfish translation. [Ali laughs] Basically. Right? And it’s just like a long string of words and ideas, and like it just feels like someone dumped a dictionary or something down. Like, but it’s massive, it’s like a million pages long.
Ali: Hm.
Austin: And it’s protected. What happened once it came on, like you try to track it through the system and it’s protected, and finding out where it’s gone, that will be a roll.
Ali: Okay, yeah. That feels like the thing that I do.
Austin: Okay.
Ali: Right?
Austin: So then give me — yeah, totally, then give me a Lasers check.
Ali: Okay. Um. Yeah, ‘cause I think that I’m like curious about it now.
Austin: So give me a… what are you, you are an Engineer, so that’s bonus one, um… and I’ll give you another bonus ‘cause you’re an alien. Which is like, oh yeah, you’ve dealt with weird translation things before, so give me 3d6.
Ali: Okay. That’s…
Austin: And that’s… [cross] You got Laser Feelings, and a success.
Ali: [cross] Laser Feelings, plus a success.
Austin: So what’s your question?
Ali: Um. [long sigh] Mm. Okay, I feel like my question is — ‘cause I feel like the success with the roll gets me who it was sent by — I’m more curious about what the intention is?
Austin: So are you asking what the intention is?
Ali: Yes.
Austin: All right. So the question — or the intention is, um, to… Hm. I’m gonna answer honestly, so I have to figure out what the actual — um, the intention is to corrupt Captain Darcy’s body and mind. It is uploading that file to Darcy, through — it’s like hooked into the something else that was already in Captain Darcy. It’s as if like the something else, the psychic entity that had knocked Captain Darcy out, was a port that was installed. And you know, I’ll say that Astley, for the last couple of weeks, had been studying this thing. And you recall, Blush, now that you’re on this console that Astley, you previously had studied it and the thing that was strange was like, well, there’s definitely an addition here, in that there is part of a consciousness that was not here before, is here now, but there’s nothing here, it’s empty. It’s like an empty — it’s like a pit that’s been drilled into this guy’s head. And that’s a weird addition, like that’s not what you expect — you’ve dealt with psychic entities before. Normally they’re parasitic or symbiotic, or something, but this was just like nothing. And now, you see, Blush, that it was a port. It was like a USB port had been installed into Darcy’s consciousness, and this is the USB key being plugged in.
Austin: And with one success, you manage to track — what was the actual thing there? You were trying to track where it was —
Ali: Came from.
Austin: Where it came — all right, so it came from the needle. It came from the — you’re able to — you get like a cool overview of the needle space station, the Flexion space station, and that does like, here’s this long cylindrical sspace station that comes to a point, and it does like — the screen blinks, and there are all these squares with zoom-ins on the different sections of the space station, where it’s like, yknow, this is where people eat, this is the fighter station, this is the bridge, this is the research department. And then, at the very very very very bottom, there is a single [laughs] like radar dish, and it says… It says… “Central Backup Broadcast Array”. And that’s where it came from.
Ali: Okay. Can I communicate —
Austin: When you — but the thing is, you got a 1, which means you barely manage it, the GM inflicts a complication, harm, or cost. And at that point, the blue shields on the docking bay…
Austin: They go away, and you see the lights of a number of fighter ships begin to appear as they begin to move out, to hunt you down. But you’re invisible right now, so they might take a second to find you, but they’re coming for you now. Hey, Astley, there’s movement — or not — there’s like light movement in Captain Darcy’s medbay.
Keith: Light movement? You mean like flickering…
Austin: No, like Darcy’s like shaking in their bed.
Keith: Oh. Hm… I gotta go examine! Darcy.
Austin: Okay, what sort of tests are you running? Like what’s the future-test sci-fi bullshit look like?
Keith: Well, I guess the first thing is there’s like a — to check to see if the tank itself is malfunctioning, and I assume that that’s a quick test, to just to like…
Austin: Yeah, sure.
Ali: Can I communicate what I know to him?
Austin: Yeah, totally.
Ali: Okay.
Austin: You like go over the speakers, the ship’s comms or whatever. Right?
Ali: Yeah.
Keith: What exactly — which part of this am I being told?
Ali: That they just… they — mm, they sent like a download into his brain? [slight laugh]
Keith: Okay…
Ali: I think it’s like a quick message where it’s like hey, the needle fuckin just installed something into Darcy’s brain.
Keith: Okay, I can check that. Um. I think I’ve got — okay, I’ve got…clipped onto the inside of my pocket, I’ve got a little…it looks sort of like a first-aid kit, and I unzip it, and there’s a few different vials. I take the first vial, and I sort of… Is Darcy — in an enclosed tank, or is he sort of strapped into something, what do we think?
Austin: Uh, what do you think? It’s up to you.
Keith: Uh, well, it would help if he’s not in an enclosed tank, so he’s not in an enclosed tank.
[Ali laughs]
Austin: [laughing] Okay, that’s fine.
Keith: So I guess — I mean, I could have just described something else, but I think I put — I think I put the tube up to his ear, and I sort of press one of the three buttons on there, and something comes out of the end of the tube, into the ear, into Darcy’s ear…
Austin: Eugh!
Keith: Yeah, and it’s sort of — like, I can picture Spake sort of holding it in sort of one of those gyrospocic toys where you can — when you turn your wrist you can feel it moving against it. I feel like there’s some sort of force that I’m having to, you know, hold on, make sure that it doesn’t slip out of my hand, and then a reading pops out the other end, sort of on like a meat thermometer.
Austin: Right. Give me a 3d6 so that we can stop hearing your gross medical equipment that I shouldn’t have ever asked you about. [Keith laughs] And you’re trying — this is Lasers for sure.
Keith: Uh, three failures.
Austin: Okay — [laughs, sighs]. Oh, buddy. Wha — ah — yeah, and none of those are Laser Feelings, huh?
Keith: Hello?
Ali: Hi.
Austin: Yeah, I’m here.
Keith: Ah, I heard a [mimics electronic noise].
Art: [resigned] That was me.
Austin: [cross] Okay, welcome back.
Keith: [cross] Hi, Art. Is everything okay?
Ali: Oh, I changed servers again —
Art: My connection is not doing well.
Austin: Oh no.
Ali: It’s at the west now, so it should be best for you?
Art: Yeah.
Ali: Okay.
Art: I mean, it hasn’t cut out since we switched, but it’s only been thirty seconds.
Ali: Right.
Keith: [cross] Okay!
Austin: [cross] Well, we’ll see.
Keith: If not, we can always go back to Skype, I guess.
Ali: True.
Austin: Yeah, it’s not gonna be better, but yes. We could.
Keith: [cross] It would be different! At least!
Ali: [cross] You never know!
Austin: Y — yes. Ah. There is a… a really bad — okay, so here’s the thing that actually happens. You are doing that procedure, and then you realize that the second that you’re doing anything even minorly invasive, you see that the data has begun to spread to all of the eight other people who are in medbay units, who are hooked up to the system right now. Whatever that information is, is now being dispersed not only to Captain Darcy but to everybody else who’d been injured before.
Keith: Okay! Um.
Austin: And that is not going through weird brain, like, psychic, something else. They’re just now all part of the same med network. So it’s going through that way. Which is gonna take a little bit more time, but that’s a lot of people who are hooked up to it.
Keith: I disconnect Darcy from the whole thing.
Austin: That will kill him.
Keith: Okay.
Austin: All right. You’re gonna kill him. Give me a Feelings roll. This is a hard thing to do.
Keith: Yeah.
Austin: And you won’t be able to do it if you don’t succeed. So — and that’s… But I’ll give you a… 2d6 on it.
Keith: Okay!
Austin: [cross] That’s Laser Feelings!
Keith: [cross] That’s a Laser Feelings and a success.
Austin: All right. Give me — what’s your question?
Keith: Uh, I guess my question is — is there any way to save the crew and Darcy?
Austin: Um. Yes. Of course.
Keith: Okay.
Austin: This is a game about space adventure, so yes. It’s going to require a different roll. That this will not be. You will need to put them all in like a… Basically freeze them all in place. You’re gonna put them all in like stasis and behind a — like in quarantine blocks that will prevent the rest of the…
Keith: Right. Sort of like each unit is in its own like safe mode?
Austin: Exactly.
Keith: Okay. Okay, I can do that!
Austin: Yep. You have to give me — that’s definitely a Lasers roll. Because that’s like super intense, hard, like…
Keith: [cross] Yes. I am very —
Austin: [cross] Almost programming?
Keith: — So good at Lasers.
Austin: Mm-hm.
Keith: All right. Uh, how many d6?
Austin: That’s also gonna be 2d6. Your sexiness is not helping you here.
Keith: Yeah, good point.
Austin: As much as I would love for that to be the case.
Keith: Two success — oh wait, a success and a Laser Feelings.
Austin: Awesome. Laser — ask me a question and then we’ll decide if you wanna roll again. Or if you wanna stick with that 1.
Keith: Okay. Is there — okay. Um.
Austin: Laser Feelings is really cool.
Keith: Yeah. Is there anything here that’s useful to me? In helping do this. Not just in general.
Austin: Yeah yeah yeah, totally. Um. You could get another bonus die if you, and like do another roll on this, so you’d go up to a 3d6 but you’d have to reroll, you’d lose this one success, and have to reroll, if you hook… let me think of another way of like a weird bullshit — there’s — this is a Star Trek game. Basically. We’re in like weird, dark Star Trek world. If you reverse the polarity of the incoming space virus, the data virus…
Keith: [laughs] Okay! Yeah, welcome to Dark Trek!
Austin: Uh-huh, we’re in Dark Trek. Um. Then you can, you like totally do one of those ridiculous shitty space metaphors.
Keith: Okay, I totally — I rerolled the 3d6, I got two failures and a Laser Feelings.
Austin: Okay, ask me a question! Spiralling Laser Feelings!
Keith: [laughs] Just like everything I try is just like not quite working, like I just keep —
Austin: I figured out the actual space metaphor that you — the thing that you tried to do here, was you realized that because it was a translation, you could set all of the brain data ports to require things to appear in their original language, which slows the — the transmission time, because it has to translate first.
Keith: Okay. And that’s the newest bit. I figured that out now.
Austin: That’s the newest bit.
Keith: Okay. So. Is there a — okay. Is there a way to get it so that it’s not going through a translation and I can just do it without that time being lost?
Austin: No, that time being lost. That time is being added.
Keith: Oh, okay!
Austin: That’s how you — I was coming up with what the quote-unquote “reverse polarity” thing is, that’s the actual bullshit sci-fi nonsense. [cross] Is that the thing that you learned how to do is flip it.
Keith: [cross] Okay, so here’s what I can do.
Austin: Yes.
Keith: Here’s what I can do. I can fill the queue of what it has to translate with total junk, so that you know how someone will say something gibberish on Twitter and it’ll be like — this has already happened yesterday. Ali tweeted out a bunch of letters, and it said, “Translate from Indonesian?” And then you click on that and it was like, couldn’t translate! And it was like yeah, of course you couldn’t — so, I wanna do that.
Austin: Mm-hm! Go ahead, and give me another 3d6.
Keith: Uh, two fail — two success, I mean.
Austin: Two successes! That’s a success.
Keith: Yeah. Yep.
Austin: Boom! You got it. Everyone’s locked in stasis, and the transmission couldn’t get through all the way. Everyone on the ship is safe from whatever this weird thing is.
Keith: And I didn’t kill the captain on purpose!
Austin: And you didn’t kill the — exactly. Good work! Okay. Back on the bridge. Hotshot explorer, alien engineer. Those alien fighter vessels, which they are all… This is like the stupidest thing I’m ever gonna fucking say. They are all threaded back to the Needle. [Keith laughs evilly] They are not long-range fighters, they are literally — they all have threads that are like fuel threads that connect them to this station. It’s really pretty. They’re like ribbon floating around in this like purple like quantum void. Which is a phrase that doesn’t mean anything, but evokes a certain something, and so I said it anyway.
[Ali laughs]
Keith: Can I say this about you saying that this is the stupidest thing you’ve ever said. I just want — like any time you have that feeling, just remember that — just remember the full URL of fuckdads.com. [Austin and Keith both laugh] And that you’ve said that plenty of times.
Austin: [laughing] That’s fair. All right. That’s… true… That’s true. All right. Um. [laughs] So these fighters are now looking for the Raptor. And it’s only a matter of time before they see you. At the same time, hey, because the shield has to be down, the docking shield has be down ‘cause they’re ribbon-tied to the interior of it. So that’s an option, like, I dunno. There’s all sorts of things happening right now. Totally up to you. But what are you two doing?
Ali: I want to… convince Orange that if they just went forward really carefully in between them, we would be able to sneak in.
Austin: Mm. Okay, what’s that sound like? What’s the thing that you say?
Ali: I think that I’ve recognized that Orange is kind of, you know, nervous about all of this.
Austin: Mm-hm.
Ali: And like needs someone who’s like able to kind of guide them? But it’s more of like a… It’s more of like a comforting sound than it is like a leadership one? Where it’s like — it’s more of a friend talking to you than a captain, where it’s like, you’ve definitely got this, like.
Austin: Okay.
Ali: Yeah.
Austin: Give me a roll.
Ali: Okay. What roll is that? [slight laugh] 2d6?
Austin: That’s 2d6.
Ali: Okay.
Austin: I’m giving you that one because of your rationale is like being prepared, is that you’ve done that right — you know, you’ve done the read on them.
Ali: That’s a 2 and a 6?
Austin: And you’re trying to get over your number, which was a 3, so you got one!
Ali: Okay, cool.
Austin: Which means that you succeed but there’s a complication, harm, or cost. And so, Orange nods their head and says like.
[as Orange]: Yes, ma’am. All right. I got this. Just gotta… whoa, I’ll never wear that yellow again. Yeah, I’m gonna be a fuckin hero!
Austin: And goes slow, until suddenly, they go a little too fast, and the back, like, pylon — is that a word? Is that a space word? Is a pylon a thing that’s on a ship?
Ali: Mm-hm.
Keith: Yeah.
Art: Sure.
Austin: Okay, I’m not just making that up? Um. Catches one of the ribbons and cuts it. And one of the fighters, the tethered fighters, just like, [foley of quick, jagged movement] off into the void. And you come — the Raptor lands safely in the pod bay, or in the fighter bay, but the other fighters have now all noticed that that’s happened, and are on their way back, just as you’ve touched down and can like open the doors and start to go down into the actual docking bay. [ALi sighs] They will be landed momentarily. What do you do?
Ali: Can I lift the shields to stop them?
Art: Uh — oh — um.
Ali: Oh, no, Art.
Art: That’s a better plan that mine.
Ali: Okay! [laughs]
Art: Much better plan than mine.
Austin: [amused] For the record, I’m curious what Chip’s plan was!
Art: Uh, I was gonna be like, we should get out of the ship and try to be like, really like — try to convince them that we’re all that was on this ship and run where they can’t shoot us, [Austin laughs] so they won’t shoot the ship.
[Ali tries and fails to hold in a laugh]
[Austin laughs again]
Art: Not a good plan, but it was what I had.
Austin: [laughs] Let’s try the shields one first.
Art: And… Yeah.
Austin: Ah…
[Ali laughs]
Art: Good call. But it’s what a hotshot explorer would do.
[Austin laughs]
Art: That’s definitely Space Indiana Jones’s plan, I’m just saying.
Austin: Uh-huh. The, um… There are a bunch of consoles here that might control the shield, so it’s about quickly figuring out which one is the right one to go to, which is definitely Lasers.
Ali: I was gonna hack into it before, I know exactly how to do this.
Austin: Oh, okay! Then give me a 2d6.
Ali: Right. This is me trying —
Austin: Oh, give me 3d6, you’re an alien! You know all sorts of weird alien — again, being an alien doesn’t necessarily just mean like, oh yeah, I know this one, it means that you are for — you’re an alien in the Consortium, which means you are often forced to deal with things that are not in your language, and you have a certain skill at dealing with that. It’s a really great benefit, frankly.
Ali: Okay.
Austin: It also means you have to work twice as hard for half as much, which is frustrating.
Ali: Yes… yeah. Um.
Austin: 3d6, Lasers, you wanna get under a 3.
Ali: I could argue for Feelings, but okay [laughs].
Austin: [doubtful] Mm. Uh, yeah, I could see it, if you’re like going by intuition, I guess.
Ali: Yeah.
Austin: What’s that physically look like, like paint me that picture and I’ll give you Feelings.
Ali: Um, I think that I have [laughs]... I’m just gonna say this. That I think like that cool space communicator that we have is actually just like the omnitool from Mass Effect?
Austin: Oh, sure.
Ali: [laughing] And it’s like, really quickly pulling that up, and like first it’s like the ship’s data, but then she has to like type in a bunch of shit, and then it’s like hacking into the communications — not the communications bay, but like the system for the Needle?
Austin: Gotcha.
Ali: And then like getting to the ship thing, and getting to the bay, first of all, and then getting to the shields, and then being able to bring them up.
Austin: Okay. Give me a 3d6.
Ali: I — wait, that’s the roll that I just did [slight laugh].
Austin: Oh, I didn’t realize that you did the roll already.
Ali: Yeah!
Austin: My bad. Okay.
Ali: I did the roll, but I was arguing that it was a Feelings check and not a Lasers check.
Austin: I thought I was still setting the parameters before the roll, now I understand.
Ali: Okay, yeah [laughs].
Austin: So that’s two successes.
Ali: Okay.
Austin: [yawns] You pull it off. The first two fighters that are coming back in, their tethers are cut, and they tumble forward into the shield, where they are incinerated. Not just, like, destroyed or crashed, they go through the shield and burn up all the way in. The remainder of the fighters get dethered and go flying out in the void still, it’s great, you’ve killed a bunch of people today. But you do that every — that’s your job, right? [Ali laughs quietly] So now you’re on this alien space needle.
Keith [as Astley]: [low and husky] My job is saving people, not killing people.
Austin: [snorts] Fuckin real close to killing people, though. All right.
Astley: [in the same voice] That’s our job.
Austin: All right, who is getting off the ship — I guess it’s the three of you. Is anybody else getting off the ship? Burton tells you that he’s afraid of moving the bodies now. Because of the… uh, no, fuck it. Burton takes the people off. It’s sci-fi bullshit. Burton slides the — but he has to move the entire pod, like the entire like, everyone including bruised knee guy is just laying on a medbay, like — what’s the word I’m looking for? Bed? A bed?
Keith: Gurney?
Austin: A gurney. Thank you. And has to like, one by one, slide them down towards the medbay of the actual bigger space station, and because he doesn’t want to deal with a bunch of weird aliens that he doesn’t know and that he’s afraid of, he gets all eight — plus nine, ‘cause one is the captain — on the gurneys, rolls them all out of the ship one by one and there are just nine bodies on gurneys standing under the medbay door [slight laugh], or like resting right outside the medbay door.
Astley: Hey, Burton. Burton.
Austin (as Burton): Yeah.
Astley: They hover.
Burton: Ohhh… Yeah!
Austin: And then Burton hits the hover button on one of them. Is like,
[as Burton]: [enthusiastic] Yeah!!
Astley: Yeah.
Art: This would be like someone our age not knowing that something was like electric, right, this would be like…
[Keith and Austin laugh]
Austin: Burton’s new! Burton — you know! We’ve been through this, Burton didn’t go to med school.
Art: No.
Austin: Burton voices concern that there might be alien doctors in that medbay.
Burton: You guys have to go take those out or something.
Ali [as Blush]: Mm.
Art [as Chip]: No problem.
Astley: Oh. I’ll take ‘em out.
[Ali laughs]
Keith: And then I wink.
Burton: You’re a doctor! Wait! Oh, you mean like on a date. Wait.
Astley: Yeah…
Burton: [disappointed] Hrm. I’m never gonna get that date. [sighs]
Art: Oh, I forgot that Keith’s goal was to like bang aliens.
[Austin and Ali laugh]
Austin: Oh my god.
Keith: It didn’t say bang, it just said meet!
Austin: Um. It does just say meet. It does just say meet. Uh, so Astley and Chip are going into this room — Blush, are you going, too? Is it the whole crew?
Ali: Um, yeah.
Austin: Okay. The door is opened with like a hand wave, there’s a certain hand wave. You’ve seen this now, and all of the rest of…
Keith: Yeah, I’ve seen it in Star War Episode II, Clone Wars?
Austin: Uh-huh. It’s that. It’s that hand wave. And inside is a — it’s basically a hospital wing that’s mostly automated, but you can hear one — there’s like one non metallic sound of — a like non-robotic sound happening, and that is the sound of something like big and slimy like falling over itself as it moves from room to room here, and the light in this dark — it’s kind of a dark hallway with lots of blue lights. It’s lit with blue as if… You gut instinct is oh, it must be lit blue for a reason, and then you see that it is this slime being at the far end of the hallway, you remember that they can only operate with very certain types of light, and this blue light must be one of those types of light. And it is like a slime doctor, who is taking care of a number of people who are on this space needle station, going from room to room, like, working on the robotic medbay doctors, the kind of robot doctors that don’t have any personalities, they’re just like automated arms and stuff that administer drugs. And it’s just kind of like [foley of wet splatting and blurping] as it goes around. And it has not yet noticed you. What do you do?
Keith: Hm. How many people are— how many patients are there in here?
Austin: There are like thirty rooms, and I’d say there’s just a sign, like a big bright light-up sign that says “Currently Serving Seven Patients” [laughs].
Keith: Okay. Oh, so like this is a doctor in the hallway, the patients are all in their rooms.
Austin: Yeah, patients are all in their own little rooms.
Keith: Um. I shouldn’t be the one that does something.
Ali: Ah — hm.
Keith: Because it won’t work.
[Ali laughs]
Austin: Womp womp. This doctor’s just going to go about their business.
Ali: Am I familiar — I guess I can ask, but am I familiar with these species at all?
Austin: Yeah, loosely. They’re not part of the Consortium, ‘cause the Consortium — because there was a vote. And the members of the Consortium voted against including them, because their local constituencies didn’t like them. Their local constituencies didn’t like them because they’re big slimeballs, not because they’re bad, or dangerous, or — I mean, some of them are! Right, like they’re people, so some slimeballs are shitty! But like, they’re not from a culture that has especially oppressive practices, they don’t have cultural beliefs that are, you know, notably divergent from the central Consortium belief system, outside of a few weird things, right, about like how they bury their dead and like, what foods you’re allowed to eat and… You know. There was definitely some conflict in the past.
Ali: But — mm. [Art vocalizes] Should the assumption here — oh, Art should talk.
Art: I mean, I think that this is the time for our sexy doctor.
Keith: Oh, you think it’s now, at the very start of an infiltration.
Ali: Well, is…
Art: You guys have a lot in common. You’re doctors.
Keith: That’s true.
Art: You’re both, I assume, sexy. I don’t know what —
[Ali snorts]
Keith: Now, here’s the thing.
Art: — what makes a sexy slime person, but…
Austin: What’s your question? Mm-hm?
Keith: It’s not a question. This is a meta discussion.
Austin: Sure.
Keith: I could say a thing and roll the dice and seduce the slime doctor, but [laughs] I don’t think — hey, by the way, we’re infiltrating, also, [sexy growl].
Ali: Well, I mean, is the assumption here that everything that we encounter on the space station… an enemy?
Keith: I think that maybe the engineer should try to change the lights to make it so that the slime just doesn’t work.
Ali: Um. I was gonna try to communicate with them. To just be like hey.
Art: And you don’t need to seduce the — you can just be like hey, you know, you’re a doctor, I’m a doctor, I have patients that need help, this doesn’t have to be like, wanna get a drink.
Keith: Don’t tell your boss — don’t tell your villain boss, Zorgon the Conqueror!
Ali: [very amused] Yeah, being sexy just means that you’re confident, you’re not like constantly trying to fuck everything. You can just be like —
Keith: Well, hold on — to be fair, Art did say “I think it’s time for the sexy doctor [Austin laughs] to meet a sexy alien”, like, that was how it was pitched to me.
Art: That’s just a thing I think you have in common.
[Ali sighs]
Austin: I’m waiting to hear what y’all do!
[Ali laughs]
Keith: All right. I’m going to —
Ali: I would like to translate your flirtation, or whatever you would like to do, if you wanna just be like, hi, we’re just gonna… can we just use some of the stuff…
Keith: Uh, well. [stammers] Okay. I am going to walk up to the alien.
Ali: I’m right behind you.
Keith: Facing away from me? The alien is?
Austin: Yeah, sure.
Keith: The slime doctor? I tap them on the shoulder.
Austin [as Slime Doctor]: [curious noise]
Austin: Which means like, huh? And they slowly turn around.
Keith [as Astley]: [low, sexy voice] Hey. I’m a doctor too.
Slime Doctor: [burbling noise]
Austin: Which is them saying like, oh no, you’re one of the ones who wear black.
Astley: Yeah. But we’re just here to help our friends.
Slime Doctor: [several sentences worth of burbling slime noises]
Austin: Oh, yeah, okay, that makes sense.
Astley: Can we use, uh, your medical stuff? Is that cool?
Slime Doctor: [shy slime noise]
Austin: And it turns like a slightly more red shade of slime, as it blushes. As they blush. Give me a roll, a Feelings roll.
Keith: All right. What’s my —
Ali: I’m assisting with this, ‘cause I’m helping translate.
Austin: Oh, okay. I should have been telling you the things to say and making you say them. [Ali laughs] So this is Feelings for suresies.
Keith: Yeah.
Austin: But give me — I almost said Hella. Blush, give me your help roll first. ‘Cause that can color this scene really well.
Ali: [amused] Is it just 2d6?
Austin: Uh, it is — [cross] just 2d6.
Keith: [cross] It’s 1 — it’s 1d6…
Austin: No, it would give you 1d6 if you succeed.
Keith: Oh, it gives me one, okay, so am I rolling — how many am I rolling? Do I get 4?
Art: [cross] No, Ali rolls first.
Ali: [cross] We’re gonna settle this roll first!
Austin: Yeah, first Blush has to roll to see if there is —
Keith: Oh, I don’t just add 1d6 —
Austin: [cross] No no no.
Ali: [cross] No, I’m assisting you.
Keith: [cross] Okay, I understand. Yeah.
Ali: There’s no bonuses here?
Austin: No, it’s 2d6. I have given you an extra bonus, I’m giving you a bonus for being an alien.
Ali: Oh, okay.
Austin: Base is 1d6, and then alien is giving you a little bonus.
Ali: Okay, fair. I got a 5 and a 6.
Austin: This is… I think this is probably — we need to keep deciding these ahead of time. It is late and we are all tired.
Ali: It’s definitely Feelings.
Keith: Well, you said Feelings.
Austin: Yeah, it’s Feelings.
Keith: Is that right.
Ali: Yeah.
Keith: Yeah.
Austin: Oh, good. I don’t remember saying that —
Keith: You did.
Austin: But I believe it. So then, yeah. You do a good job not only translating the words back and forth, you manage to translate the nuance, right, like the tone. I dont know how you — you know what, maybe you use your hair as a way to like communicate a little extra, a little extra somethin-somethin?
Ali: Mm-hm.
Austin: You’re an alien. Okay. So now, yes, Astley, you can roll, uh, 4d6. This is the highest roll we’ve seen! This is definitely Feelings.
Keith: Uh, I got one success and a Laser Feelings.
Austin: All right, what’s your question?
Keith: Um. [sighs] What is the… oh! How can I get them to let me use the medical equipment without telling on me?
Austin: Oh, that’s a good follow-up. Um. They… So what you notice is, at the doorway to like the medbay leaving, there are a bunch of super bright white lights pointed up all around that, which means that the slime being can’t get through that door. You could take them with you.
Keith: Okay! So [stammers] I’m gonna reroll.
Austin: oOay. Cause yeah, now — and again, still 4d6. ‘Cause it’s a reroll, it’s not a…
Keith: And I’m basically gonna do the same thing except I’m also gonna take the lights, is the… Wow! One success and a Laser Feeling. Okay.
Austin: Okay!
Keith: How do I get… I can I get the slime doctor to actually help Duncan — Durstan — Dar…
Austin: [huffs] Excuse me?
Art: Burton. It’s Burton!
Keith: Burton. Burton.
Austin: Burton. Uh-huh. Uh, I think if you emphasize the number of people who are injured, the slime doctor, whose name is [pronounced spree] Sp’r’ee — well, it’s S-P-apostrophe-R-apostrophe-E-E, your human tongue can’t pronounce it. But most people just call them Sp’r’ee. Uh. They, if you emphasize the number, that will overwhelm them, and they’ll be like [sad burbling]!
Keith: Uh… Okay, yeah, so I’m going to — I’m going to put my d — okay, does Sp’r’ee have shoulders? I’m going to put my hands where Sp’r’ee’s shoulders are or would be.
Austin: Blushes immediately, that was not the shoulder.
[Ali and Keith laugh]
Keith [as Astley]: I need to help my friends, there’s — is it eight?
Austin: Nine if you count the captain.
Astley: There’s nine people. We have one other doctor besides myself, and he’s not a real doctor. Sp’r’ee. I need you.
Austin: [strangled voice] Give me the roll.
[pause]
Keith: Um. Two successes!
Austin: Two successes, there it is. Sp’r’ee goes:
[as Sp’r’ee]: [very short burble]
Austin: Which — and then does the little translation, or does the little like shimmy, and then you know, Blush, that that means like, um..
[as Sp’r’ee]: It is, of course, our duty as doctors to take care of anyone who is injured, and when I find the request from someone as beautiful and brilliant as you, how could I ever deny it? Please, bring in Burton Shade, your protege, and all of the injured people, and I will take care of them. And in exchange, I can’t wait for the ability to leave this
Sp’r’ee: — terrible station, and once again see the wonders of the universe by your side, as your new protege, and — I just — I love you.
Astley: Hey.
Ali: This is very awkward for me to translate.
Austin: Right. [laughs] Yes.
Astley: That was really special. [whispers] I’ll be right back.
Keith: And I go get Bink — Bart — Burton?
Austin: Bink. Yep! You got it, Bink!
Keith: [laughing far away] Bink. Bink!
Austin: [laughing] You go hey, Bink, and Burton goes,
[as Burton]: Yeah?
[Keith laughs in the distance]
Burton: What do you need?
Astley: Bink, bring ‘em in. You and the slime doctor are gonna help each other out.
Burton: Uh, there’s — [whispering] there’s a slime doctor?
Astley: Yeah, they’re cool.
Burton: [unsure] Okay.
Austin: I’m gonna count that as meeting a sexy alien, by the way!
Keith: Yeah. I agree.
Austin: That’s a sexy slime doctor, whose name is Sp’r’ee.
Keith: I’m also gonna say,
[as Astley]: Blush, I could not have done that without you.
[Austin laughs]
Ali [as Blush]: Thank you.
Austin: All right. You’re now on this space station. We’re on this space station, and there’s fifteen minutes on this stream left. We can do it, we’ll get there.
Ali: [laughs] Okay, um.
Art: All right. I mean, I feel like the real centerpiece of this was that moment with the slime doctor, like.
Austin: Well, you’re here to kill someone!
Keith: Yeah, we didn’t just come here to save the people who got injured coming here. [laughs loudly]
[Austin laughs too]
Art: Well, and we made a new friend.
Keith: That’s true. It’s about the friend we made along the way, the one friend.
Austin: Mm-hm. Uh, I guess I will make this… So you leave to go get the remaining nine people, right? Who are like out on the thing? Were you talking to Burton, Burton “Bink” Shayde over comms, or did you go out to talk to him direct?
Keith: Oh, I went just close enough to be able to shout to him.
Austin: Okay. So then you all leave to go get the bodies? Or not the bodies, the injured people [laughs].
Keith: Humans?
Art: The patients?
Austin: [laughing] Patients. It’s late! It’s been a long week! Um. And you open the door to reveal that Flexion is there, along with like twenty armed guards.
Keith [as Astley]: Flexion! Damn you!
[quiet laughter]
Austin [as Flexion]: [nasal voice] Got you! Fools! He he!
[both laugh]
Austin: Flexion is like a fish person. Each of the group of… Zorgon the Conqueror’s — all of his lieutenants have been a different animal. This one is the same alien species as you, Blush.
[Ali gasps]
Art: Ah!
Austin: A fighting fish head… thing. [Keith laughs in the distance] And they have… on… [starts laughing] I’m very tired!
Ali: [laughing] What!
Keith: [amused] That’s incredible, that’s incredibly offensive.
[Austin laughs]
Ali: Water just poured out of my mouth.
Keith: A fish head alien thing?!
[a moment of quiet laughter]
Austin: Technicality no down boo over?![2]
Keith: Technicality no down boo over?
[pause]
[Austin sighs]
Ali: [trying not to laugh] I’m so mad. [sighs]
Austin: It’s — you never gave me the name of your species!
Ali: I know, I don’t have names…
Art: It’s weird, but it literally translates to fighting fish head alien thing. [all laugh] They’re not a very proud culture.
[loud laughter]
Austin: They’re just not very focused on that part of their identity!
Keith: Which is why they — by the way, it’s why they also go by Betta[3].
[Ali laughs just once]
Austin: [incredulous] Oh my god!
[Ali screams]
Austin: Bad!
[Ali sighs]
Art: Oh my god. The memes on space reddit about them are not kind.
Austin: The worst! Oh my god.
Ali: Lord…
[everyone is sighing and calming down]
Ali: Anyway, this dramatic moment.
Austin: I mean, was it? Because I started it by going nnyeh, I’m the bad guy. Like, no. It wasn’t a dramatic moment. [Ali laughs] Um. Anyway, this one’s the same fish-inspired species as you, Blush. Um. I can’t believe we did two sci-fi games on this fucking show and both of them have fish people. God damn it! [Ali laughs very quietly] And. There are twenty guards with them, and they have on like [laughter getting louder] big, bulky armor, with like super heavy round rifle gun things. We’ve lost Ali, Ali’s just gone.
Ali: [laughing] I’m very tired.
Austin: Me too.
Ali: Keith.
Keith: What? What, hi, what’s up?
Ali: [struggling to talk] Keith said that…
Austin: Oh, Keith… [starts laughing] Keith in the chat said: “one fish, two fish, red fish, blue pill” and….
[all laughing]
[Ali scream-laughs]
Austin: God damn it! I can’t believe you. [Ali and Keith laugh quietly] Oh my god… [sighs]
[slowly quieting]
Austin: Goodbyemisery in the chat says “Austin really stuck his foot in his mouth talking about those fish aliens! Sticking feet in your mouth can really screw up your teeth. Youcaring.com/badteethali.”
[pause]
Art: Ah, okay, we can do this, guys.
Keith: Oh, by --
Ali: Yeah. The home stretch.
Keith: I will say, if somebody donates 9 dollars, you’ll be at 69.69.
Austin: Nice.
Ali: [sighs] Boy howdy.
Keith: Yeah.
Austin: Ah, oh. What is this character’s name, how did I — where’d all my notes go? Ah… Zorgon… Flexion! [nasally] Flexion.
[as Flexion]: Blush, why do you —
Keith: [low voice] Flexion! Damn! Sorry. That wasn’t me saying it.
Flexion: Blush, why do you waste time with the Consortium? They’ll never respect ourrr kiiind.
Ali: [laughs quietly] Mm.
[as Blush] They don’t respect you. Because you sound like a fucking idiot.
[Keith laughs]
Art: Yikes.
Austin: I have to get inside of Flexion’s head now!
[as Flexion]: You’ve stolen —
Austin: Oh, so you can’t see me, but I’ve reached my hand out upwards, so I can claw —
Ali: [laughs] I heard it, no, I heard it!
Austin: Okay.
[as Flexion]: You’ve stolen so much from me! I’ve downloaded the data from your ship. [breathing heavily] You’ve killed him! Zorgon! [sadly] All he wanted to do was to destroy the Big A. And the solar system therein. Through the collapsing of this quantum tunnel. A series of events that Austin rolled three hours ago on this table, and then never got the chance to bring up.
[a strangled laugh from Ali]
Keith [as Astley]: Listen, Flexion —
Art: You rolled a lot of ones.
Austin: I rolled three 1s and a 4, my dude. I rolled Zorgon the Conqueror wants to destroy or corrupt the quantum tunnel which will destroy a solar system. And that has not come up because it just — all of my opportunities to get Zorgon involved did just not happen.
Astley: Albuquerque will never fall to you, Flexion.
Flexion: No, but maybe Afghanistan will.
Blush: That’s the same place!
Astley: It’s the same place, he’s never been there, we don’t let him there!
Art [as Chip]: Oh my god, he’s not —
Blush: See, this is why you don’t get it!
Flexion: [cross] [unintelligible][4] Write that down!
Chip: [cross] [unintelligible] go there to destroy it.
Astley: [cross] He doesn’t even get — you’re trying to blow it up, you don’t even know what it is!
Flexion: Right! That’s the same place! Put that in the notes!
Astley: Albuquerque! Afghanistan! The third one that it is! It’s all the same one.
Flexion: Appleton. We got that one already.
Astley: Appleton! Okay.
[Ali laughs quietly]
Flexion: [fed up] Kill them!
Austin: And the guards —
Chip: Wait, which ones?
[Austin and Ali sigh]
Austin: [amused] The guards lift their guns up to fire. What do you do~?
Keith: I intervene —
Art: I take my variable-beam phase pistol —
Keith: Yeah, that’s fine.
Art: — out of my quick-draw holster and shoot. [Austin gasps] Let’s just go big, let’s just go for, uh… Vision, Fict — Friction —
Keith: Flexion.
[Ali laughs]
Austin: Yep! Fission — Fishing. Yeah, Fishing.
Keith: It’s Buckley, it’s Buckley, his name’s Buckley, he’s in the medical bay.
Ali: [laughing] I’m wondering if I should release this now.
Art: Furton? Is it Furton?
Austin: Oh, we are absolutely r — it’s Flexion!
Art: [laughing] Flexion…
[Keith laughs loudly]
[sighs all around]
Austin: Give me a — give me a three… Hotshot — uh, no, give me a two. Hotshot, explorer, explorer doesn’t help with this. Hotshot does. Uh, this is definitely… [cross] throw that roll away, I haven’t looked at that —
Art: [cross] I have Laser Feelings and I’m gonna need to reroll it ‘cause it’s too high.
Austin: Oh, but you got a — [stammers] —
Ali: Lasers.
Keith: Laser Feelings.
Austin: Laser Feelings.
Art: Yeah.
Austin: So, uh — I guess, I think this is Feelings, for sure. This is like, [macho] boom! I shot you in the head!
[Ali snorts]
Art: Oh, okay, that’s Feelings…
Austin: I’m trying out for Duke Nukem, by the way.
Art: What?
Austin: That’s my improv Duke Nukem.
Ali: Oh yeah, you played it in [1:54:10] and it was like yeah, that’s a really… really you…
Austin: Fuck.
Keith: My betta joke was — that was me trying out for Duke Nukem.
Austin: Yeah, you’re on your way.
Ali: Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
Austin: Um, what’s your question, Art?
Art: What should I be on the lookout for?
Austin: Um. The lights on the ship, on your ship, on the Raptor, have come on by themselves.
Art: Mm.
Austin: Behind ev — like, no one’s on the ship at this p — there’s a couple of people on the ship, I guess, but most of them are here in front of you on these gurneys, and then the rest are you. And the lights have come on, and the like — there’s a laser cutter that is like the main close-range weapon, has like come out of like a cabinet — not a cabinet, like a — wow, it’s late. [background laughter] Um. A — not a console, um, a compartment on the bottom of the ship, and this like little laser beam cutter comes down and like starts to charge up.
Art: All right. I’m still gonna roll my original roll over again to try to get more than one success.
Austin: Mm-hm.
Art: It went badly, I have another Laser Feelings though. [slight laugh]
Austin: Uh-huh? What are your — this is all like, super slow motion.
Keith: Wait, that’s —… That is one success, though.
Art: [cross] No, you have to roll over because it’s Feelings, yeah.
Austin: [cross] No, you have to roll over his Feelings.
Keith: Oh, I thought you were doing Laser ‘cause of the gun, sorry.
Austin: No. I know you would think laser gun, Laser, but no, in this case I think it’s passion. Um. So —
Art: Who’s behind this thing with our ship?
Austin: Um. The… it all clicks to you. You solved this mystery that you haven’t been able to put together yet. It’s all added up. It all adds up! The data that they were sending, that was none other than Zorgon the Conqueror himself, a backup! An old collection of thoughts and ideas and feelings, and they were trying to upload it directly to the mind of Captain Darcy, the man who killed Zorgon himself.
[Art gasps]
Austin: And now, it seems, with no bodies left to try to infect, it’s taken over the Raptor!
[Ali gasps]
Art: Oh shit. Well now I just failed.
[Austin laughs]
Art: I had one success and I got myself down to zero [laughs].
Austin: You pull the gun up, and then — I’m not gonna make you look like an asshole, I could, I could really make you look like an asshole. You go to shoot and then the laser cutter from the bottom of the Raptor like goes like [powering up] brrrrp and then the laser just like sweeps across the entirety of the docking bay, aiming for you three, but like forcing some of the other soldiers to duck,a dn a lot of them get hit, and then the… You are all now under fire from this thing. And then you hear a familiar voice coming over the loudspeakers on the outside of your ship, which it definitely has, ‘cause like, they cost a little extra but what are you gonna do, not have dope loudspeakers? And it says, uh.
[as Zorgon]: [deep and rasping] I am reviveddddddd! [pause] It’s me, Zorgon.
Keith [as Astley]: Zorgon! Damn!
[someone snorts loudly]
[laughter from all]
[gasping for breath]
[still laughing]
Austin: Timeandpatience says, “If you want Ali’s Zorgon teeth to get fixed, donate here…”
[pause]
[Ali sighs]
Keith: [laughs] So I think that you guys are like having trouble talking and stuff and that’s how the lateness is affecting you. For me it’s that I just never know whether I’m looking at Twitch or Roll20. I’m just like, I’m like, these are all numbers, this isn’t timeandpatience saying anything.
[all laugh]
Austin: There is now this ship — thankfully, you didn’t pick Well Armed. Um. Zorgon does activate the cloaking field. But there’s just — you know where the ship is. [laughs] So it’s just a laser firing from nothing, but you know where the ship is. Um. And it’s like blasting at you. Zorgon shouts like,
[as Zorgon]: This may not have been the body I intended to take over, but — it’s still pretty good!
Ali: [laughs] Can I try to override the ship?
Austin: Yeah, how do you do — you have to get close to do that. So first you have to like close the distance, because Zorgon — this actually, that’s part of — Zorgon did turn on the cloaking device, which does make it hard to hack in from a distance.
Ali: Can I…
Austin: ‘Cause sensors or whatever.
Ali: Can I use one of the ribbons to like…
Austin: To do…
Ali: To like run to the edge of the thing, right.
Austin: Uh-huh. Yeah.
Ali: And then like I fuckin grab onto it and there’s no gravity ‘cause this is a space station, obviously, and I like run to the edge of the thing and like kick myself off of it, and then like hold onto it to try to get onto the ship.
Austin: …Sure. Yes.
Ali: [laughs] Because if I’m like on the outside of the ship, [cross] then I can hack into it.
Austin: [cross] Right, then you’re not gonna get shot. Totally.
Ali: And I’m not gonna get shot.
Austin: Give me a passion roll, or Feelings roll.
Ali: Okay. [laughs] Just 2d6?
Austin: [weakly] Uh, yeah.
Ali: [laughing] Okay! That’s not…
Austin: Hey!
Ali: Oh! Okay.
Austin: No, that’s good, you rolled two success, totally did it. You have now climbed on top. Uh, Blush is now standing on top of an invisible ship. Um. Which is probably a pretty big ship, if fifteen people live inside of it. Um. The group of soldiers is like, [shouting] Broahhh! and running away, the, uh… What’s the other guy’s fuckin — Flexion, Fiction. Flexion…
Austin: Has also —
Keith: Barkley.
Austin: Barkley [laughs], yeah. Covers his head and is running toward the ship and is shouting like,
[as Flexion]: Zorgon, you are reviiiived!
Austin: My hand is still in that claw shape, just pretend it always is whenever I’m talking as Fiction. Flexion. Um. And.
Art: Furton.
Austin: Furton. Burton. [laughs]
Keith: Bink.
Austin: Flied. Phil. Uh. I think it’s probably still Blush’s thing, you’re trying to hack this thing, so give me that. That’s Lasers, though.
Ali: Oh. Kay.
Austin: This is like, this is the hardest — this is definitely Lasers. There’s no like — you’re trying to hack an invisible console, you can’t see it. So maybe that is intuition! That is intuition. ‘Cause like, you just have to get — it’s the same thing as before, where it’s invisible, like you can’t see it, but you have to trust your instincts to know where it is.
Ali: [whispering] Yeahhh.
Austin: So give me, and that’ll be three. No, thatll be two. Engineer and the previous thing gives you, eh, the previous thing gives you a prepare, so I’ll give you three. 3d6.
Ali: Oh, three? Okay. I’m just gonna roll one more ‘cause I got two successes…
Austin: Oh. Okay! Go for it.
Ali: 1d6… that’s another success.
Austin: Boom, three successes! You get a critical success.
Ali: Yeah!!
Austin: The GM tells you some extra effect that you get. Um.
Ali: Bam.
Austin: All right, you — it goes like [powering up] Brrr. Except, two things happen. One, you’re able to — you see the laser moving towards — three things happen. Classic Austin Walkerism. Starts to say a thing, then rewinds and says three things happen. One. Um. Sp’r’ee… One. Sorry. One. Astley, you’re right in line with the laser. It’s gonna cut you in half. But Sp’r’ee shows up and pushes you away with their slimy body and shouts like,
[as Sp’r’ee]: Blrr — blrrr — blrrr!
Austin: And is like slow motion pushing you away. Two. Now Sp’r’ee is in the way. And the laser starts to heat up their body, and you can see — also, they’ve run through the terrible white light, they’ve suffered to save you! And then the laser’s gonna cut into them, but! But! Blush takes command of the laser just in time and pulls it up and around Sp’r’ee’s body and then cuts it back down and just slices the target, Flexion, in haaaaaalf.
Ali: Mm-hm. Mm-hm. That’s what I do. I’m very happy about this.
Austin: [exploding] Pshhew! And Flexion has his hand out in this claw, and then the hand falls off, because his arm got cut off by this laser thing, and then the rest of him falls down too. And you can feel the… consciousness of Zorgon try to like — you can feel it bubbling around the circuitry of the ship, and then you hear the engines come on. And Zorgon says,
[as Zorgon]: I don’t need this station! I have the ship! And the whole universe!
Austin: And it turns, and the shields drop, and it begins, it’s trying to take off. What are you all doing?
Keith: Um.
Art: Um.
Austin: [cross] I’m curious —
Keith: [cross] Well, first I say —
Austin: Yeah, go ahead.
Keith: I say this.
[as Astley]: Blush, you’re really proving yourself today!
Austin: Nice, good, you did it.
Art: Yeah.
Ali: [laughs]
[as Blush]: Thank you.
Astley: But Zorgon, I’m afraid you won’t be taking off that quickly.
[pause]
Austin: Because?
Astley: Because!
Keith: I’m thinking.
Astley: Because! Because!
Austin [as Sp’r’ee]: Bwwmm?
Astley: I’m! Coming on board.
Keith: And I make a r — beeline right for the ship! Right for where the ship is, probably.
Austin: The doors are closed.
Keith: The doors are closed? I can get through them.
Austin: Yeah it’s — you get through them?
Keith: With a scalpel.
Art: [laughing] You get through the doors?
Austin: [calmly] With a scalpel.
Art: The space doors.
Keith: A space scalpel —
Austin: It’s a laser scalpel, first of all.
Keith: It’s obviously a laser scalpel.
Austin: [exhausted] Give me a Feelings roll.
Keith: How many Ds?
Austin: That’s a two. It’s a scalpel.
Keith: Nine. Two successes!
Austin: That’s two successes. [sighs] Fuckin, Astley’s cutting the door open, everyone. Like, the door to the spaceship.
Ali: Yeah, I’m helping him.
Austin: Okay!
Ali: Yeah.
Austin: Y’all are both trying — Chip, Astley and Blush are tearing the door of the Raptor off, and going back inside.
Ali: Well, I’m trying to attack it.
Art: If they’re — if they’re at the door, can I figure where the — viewing area is, can I figure out where the windshield is?
Keith: Bridge?
Austin: Yeah. Wait, the what is?
Art: Like, whatever the sspace — whatever we call a windshield on this…
Austin: Yeah, the windshield, this — yeah, this thing has a windshield, yes.
Keith: For the space wind.
Art: If they know where the door is and I know where that is, can I just try to dive through there?
[pause]
Austin: Oh, through the windshield??
Keith: Yeah, we’re just —
Art: [laughing] Yeah.
Keith: Yeah, through the windshield.
Ali: Ooh.
Austin: [laughs] Yeah! That’s definitely a Feelings roll! I’m glad you’ve committed to ruining your spaceship!
Keith: Eh, we can get it repaired!
Austin: All right, if this succeeds, I’m gonna tell you what it looks like, it’s gonna be dope. Uh, so it’s Feelings for sure, two.
Art: All right. That’s one success no matter what it is.
Austin: Yeah. You have a thing on your jacket that has, like, there’s a patch and you [taps] tap the patch twice, and it reveals like a big metal shoulderpad that you charge through the plexisteel whatever fuckin bullshit clear transparent steel thing, and it breaks all the way through, and you come to a tumbling halt on the bridge, where you see a holographic version of Zorbulon or fuckin — Zorgon, whatever his name is. [laughs] Uh.
Keith: Bink.
Austin: Sitting on the ship. He’s just all dots, like floating in place, that’s being projected from the hologram maker in the bridge. Uh. And he starts clapping. [slow claps] But it’s out of sync with the hologram, because it’s not great — this isn’t what this technology’s built for, it’s for like looking at maps and shit, not like a live person. And he says,
[as Zorgon]: [in a Flexion voice] All you’ve done —
Austin: Wait, this isn’t his voice.
[as Zorgon]: All you’ve done is ensure your own death. Because I’m going to go to space, where there’s no oxygen for you to breathe.
Art [as Chip]: Yeah, but there’s, uh, there’s a billion stars out there, and I’m going to make sure you don’t know what any of them are.
Art: And I try to just like destroy the navigation system.
Austin: [sighing] Oh, man. Give me a Feelings roll. [pause] Uh, I’m gonna give you 3d6 on this. This is like hotshot explorer, exactly, so. It’s a reverse of your traditional.
Keith: Nice.
Austin: Boom!
Keith: Three successes.
Austin: Three successes, critical success. You…
Keith: Crit succ.
Austin: Yeah, crits are the whole thing. You blast through the navigational computer, your laser beam bounces around the bridge and takes out the not just the navigational computer but also just like the thrust and pilot station, you know — Orange manages not to get shot in the head, which is useful. And then the last shot like bounces around the room and goes right into the holographic thing that’s presenting Zorgon, and then I think the — actually, I think maybe the thing that actually happens here, which is the coolest thing and we could end it on this — is that Orange says like,
[as Orange]: Nice work, boss!
Austin: And slams the thrust as hard as they can, so that it goes full speed into nothing, like out into the quantum waves or whatever the thing is I said three hours ago when I could still find words, and all of you are able to grab some stuff off the ship and jump out just in time to send the Raptor out into space, where it will crash into the quantum tunnel, um, hopefully not destroy the Big A. But will, you know, destroy Zorgon once and for all, leaving you to live on the needle station, previously known as Flexion Station, um, to live out whatever lives you want. There is the problem of like, I’ve already established, according to the rules of the fiction, that no one gets here, there’s no like communication in or out except for when people show up, and there aren’t other space — there aren’t other ships here, other than the fighters that were tethered here, and then you destroyed all of the tethers. So, I hope you like it here.
[someone snorts]
[Ali laughs]
Austin: [weakly] It’s pretty cool, I guess. [pauses] Nice work, everybody. I’m Austin Walker. You can find me at @austin_walker on twitter, at waypoint.vice.com, and you can listen to our — our — this at FriendsAtTheTable.net. That’s mostly for the people who are listening on Twitch.
Ali: [softly] Uh-huh.
Austin: Ali, how are you doing?
Ali: Hi, uh, my name is Alisha Acampora. You can find me at @ali_west. Thank you, everyone, for joining us and listening to this, and for supporting me and being here today. [emotional] It’s like really humbling, and it’s kind of a weird thing, and it’s really cool, and I appreciate it, and thank you. I hope you enjoyed this special episode of Friends at the Table. I hope you enjoyed this ridiculous stream that I did today. I definitely did. And.. yeah.
Austin: Thank you for doing it, and thank you for supporting.
Ali: Yes. Yeah.
Austin: Keith Carberry.
Keith: Hi, my name’s Keith Carberry, you can find me on twitter at @KeithJCarberry. You can find the Let’s Plays that I do at youtube.com/Runbutton. And if you’ve got any money left, you can go to contentburger.biz and subscribe to contentburger.biz!
Austin: And Art Tebbel. Art Martinez-Tebbel.
Art: Thank you very much. You can find me on twitter at @ATebbel, you can read stuff I write at ComicMix.com. Shoutout to the two different people who tried to get this fundraiser to end at 6969. [Austin laughs] Unfortunately because they both gave 9 dollars, it’s at 6978.
Austin: Nice. Still nice.
Art: So we’re just gonna push on to 69 thousand dollars.
Austin: Can I —
Art: Which is gonna be a real struggle, honestly, but. So thank you everyone.
Austin: [laughs] We’ll see what we can do. That’s a lot of teeth.
Ali: [weakly] No, please stop giving me money. [laughs]
Austin: Shoutouts to pseudonym on twitter, who has already done fanart of these characters.
Ali: Oh, good.
Keith: Wait, where? Where? It’s fine.
Austin: I’ll link you. I’ll link you.
Keith: Okay, thank you.
Ali: Boy howdy.
Austin: It’s very good, so shoutouts all the way. These are all really good character designs. White on black was a good decision. All right, everybody. Sweet dreams. We’ll be back to regular Hieron stuff soon. I have no idea when or where this episode comes out, Ali.
[Ali groans]
Keith: Yeah, who knows.
Art: Or Hieron’s been over for weeks now.
Keith: Can I plug one more thing real quick?
Austin: Yeah, of course!
Keith: I started a new Let’s Play for Run Button, it’s us doing Resident Evil 7. I’m a big baby —
Austin: Spooky. Me too!
Keith: — and we don’t — yeah, we don’t like horror games, but it’s like turning out really funny and good, which is good, because I was worried that I would be too scared for it to be good. We’re only three episodes in right now, so you have time to catch up real quick.
Ali: Yeah.
Austin: Do that.
Ali: It’s also, you should definitely watch it ‘cause it’s been a big labor for Keith, ‘cause he’s been too scared to edit it.
Keith: It’s true, I literally like have to like — I have to make sure other people are home, I have to like make sure it’s during the day, like I can’t do it too late at night.
Austin: [sympathetic] Keith.
Keith: Yeah. ‘Cause it’s too scary to edit. Because when I’m —
Austin: Can I — while we’re — go ahead.
Keith: Well, when we’re playing it, I can like make jokes and not play it, but when I’m editing it, I have to like, watch it. And like watch the spooky monsters.
Austin: I wanna do, what’s the opposite of a shout out, a call out? I wanna call out my local Chinese food place today, ‘cause I ordered chicken broccoli and they just didn’t send rice? So I just got chicken —
Ali: What?
Austin: Yeah. [cross] They just didn’t send any rice.
Keith: [cross] Does it usually come with rice?
Austin: Yeah, it always comes with rice. I didn’t order anything different. I didn’t order — I wasn’t just like, oh, don’t send rice — who would do that? [cross] My throat hurts.
Keith: [cross] A house [unintelligible][5] rice.
Ali: We should go to Outback tomorrow.
Austin: Oh, that sounds good as hell.
Keith: We could get a Bloomin’ Onion.
Austin: Well, is there a race this weekend?
Ali: [claps] There’s a race every weekend, but I don’t wanna put my…
Austin: What are his chances?
Ali: I don’t wanna put my Bloomin’ Onion fucking — fate in the hands of this dipshit!
Keith: What is the race? Wait, what’s the race?
Ali: Okay.
Austin: What don’t you get?
Ali: Okay. So like.
Austin: We should time.is.
Ali: Yes. [on the verge of laughter] You don’t want this on the show.
Austin: No, I do, but go ahead, get talkin, and we’re gonna get time.is up also.
Ali: Okay. So like Kevin somebody —
Austin: Harvick.
Ali: Harvick.
Austin: Which is a registered trademark, what?
Ali: What? [slight laugh] He has a deal with Outback right now where if he gets in the top ten — he only has to get in the top ten. On Sunday night’s race, on Monday there will be —
Austin: He’s the driver of the number four f — the number four Ford Fusion.
Ali: He only has to be in the top ten, and then on Monday it’ll be Bloomin’ Monday, and you tell your server, hey, it’s Bloomin Monday, and they’ll give you a free Bloomin’ Onion.
Keith: Can I — I mean, I know it doesn’t make as much sense, but I wish it was called Bloomin’ Monion.
Ali: [laughs] No.
Austin: Motherfucker.
Ali: ‘Cause that’s close to Minion, and it’s bad.
Austin: [sighs] Here’s a thing I want to point out about this. [Art laughs shortly] If you go tot he webpage for this, it says the rules, which is that any time Kevin Harvick, driver of the number four Ford Fusion, finishes in the top ten at a Monster Energy NASCAR cup series race, you’ll get a free Bloomin’ Onion for the Monday, blah blah blah. And then underneath it just says “A FREE” and then there’s a picture of a Bloomin’ Onion with an arrow pointing to it, and then in a very light font, it says [soft voice] Bloomin’ Onion.
Ali : [laughing] It’s so good — oh my…
Keith: Um.
Austin: [cross] Anyway. We should —
Keith: [cross] By the way, for the people watching this stream, I’ve got four more followers to hit three thousand. I don’t care, but [whispering] come on, I care so bad.
Ali: [laughing] He cares so much.
Keith: But I don’t care. I don’t care about it! I don’t care about it, [quietly] but I just care so bad. But I don’t care.
Keith: I’m just saying, I don’t care.
Austin: Do it for us, let’s go to time.is and clap.
Ali: Okay.
Austin: And then we’ll go to bed, because we’re all tired people.
Ali: Yes. Uh-huh…
[pause]
Keith: What’s that?
Austin: You’re only four off, we should get those four followers. We can buy those followers.
Keith: Yeah, I’m only four off! But I don’t care, but I’m just saying, it’s just four. But I don’t care. …Just that it’s four.
Art: So like 55?
Austin: 55.
Ali: How am I gonna get this fucking Bloomin’ Onion on the screen? Anyway.
[pause]
[clap]
[synth music by Jack de Quidt cuts in, continues to end]
[1] Transcriber switches over here.
[2] A Comedy Bang! Bang! reference.
[3] Which sounds identical to “beta”.
[4] [1:52:30]
[5] [2:13:00]